1 00:00:54,903 --> 00:00:56,404 Thank you. 2 00:00:58,407 --> 00:00:59,884 When I say hey, you say ho. 3 00:00:59,908 --> 00:01:01,002 Hey. Ho! 4 00:01:01,026 --> 00:01:02,387 Hey. Ho! 5 00:01:02,411 --> 00:01:04,196 That's basically how Hitler Rose to power. 6 00:04:19,307 --> 00:04:21,392 "What up, Jamal?" 7 00:05:14,663 --> 00:05:16,114 Thank you. 8 00:05:29,261 --> 00:05:30,404 Thank you. 9 00:05:30,428 --> 00:05:32,406 My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. 10 00:05:32,430 --> 00:05:34,325 She used to like to dress up as herself 11 00:05:34,349 --> 00:05:36,801 and then act like a fuckin' bitch all the time. 12 00:05:42,724 --> 00:05:44,619 But you know, they say if you wanna know 13 00:05:44,643 --> 00:05:46,603 what a girl's gonna look like, look at her mother, 14 00:05:46,645 --> 00:05:48,405 you know, so I'm so glad I broke up with her, 15 00:05:48,647 --> 00:05:51,125 'cause she would've been, you know... 16 00:05:51,149 --> 00:05:52,650 Dead. 17 00:05:55,871 --> 00:05:57,405 I want your baby! 18 00:05:57,906 --> 00:05:59,407 I'm keeping him. 19 00:06:02,410 --> 00:06:04,962 Guys, I'm a realist! I'm a realist. 20 00:06:05,547 --> 00:06:08,025 I try not to romanticize reality. 21 00:06:08,049 --> 00:06:10,027 You know, like when life gives you lemons, 22 00:06:10,051 --> 00:06:12,553 you probably just found lemons. 23 00:06:14,222 --> 00:06:15,783 But at the same time, 24 00:06:15,807 --> 00:06:17,785 I don't deny the beauty in the world 25 00:06:17,809 --> 00:06:19,811 'cause there is so much beauty, because life 26 00:06:20,312 --> 00:06:21,789 can be so symmetrical, 27 00:06:21,813 --> 00:06:23,791 it gives birth to this almost silent poetry, 28 00:06:23,815 --> 00:06:26,794 you know, like a hermaphrodite playing the keytar, 29 00:06:26,818 --> 00:06:28,880 or a young amish boy trying to blow out the light bulbs 30 00:06:28,904 --> 00:06:30,322 on his birthday cake, 31 00:06:30,655 --> 00:06:33,240 or a girl... a girl who's terrible at grammar 32 00:06:33,742 --> 00:06:35,720 saying, "mama, you raised me good." 33 00:06:35,744 --> 00:06:39,223 And then being pushed down a well. 34 00:06:39,247 --> 00:06:40,364 Symmetry. 35 00:06:42,417 --> 00:06:45,179 Here's some racial humor for you. 36 00:06:45,203 --> 00:06:47,038 White people are like this... "eh." 37 00:06:47,539 --> 00:06:49,016 Black people are like this... "what?" 38 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:52,043 We're destined to fight forever. Blood in the streets. 39 00:06:58,016 --> 00:06:59,076 If I had a dime... ha! 40 00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:01,579 If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy 41 00:07:01,603 --> 00:07:04,105 asked me for change, I'd still say, "no." 42 00:07:05,106 --> 00:07:06,974 No. Nope. 43 00:07:11,279 --> 00:07:13,174 Yo' mama so fat! Yo' mama so ugly! 44 00:07:13,198 --> 00:07:14,508 Yo' mama so stupid! 45 00:07:14,532 --> 00:07:15,843 Your mother's breasts sag with such severity 46 00:07:15,867 --> 00:07:18,369 that the late great surrealist artist Salvador dali 47 00:07:18,870 --> 00:07:20,872 mistook them for clocks. 48 00:07:32,634 --> 00:07:34,111 Um, thank you. 49 00:07:34,135 --> 00:07:37,281 I... I believe... 50 00:07:37,305 --> 00:07:40,785 I believe firmly that women are always right. 51 00:07:40,809 --> 00:07:42,811 I do. I do. 52 00:07:45,931 --> 00:07:47,959 Oh, I should rephrase that. 53 00:07:47,983 --> 00:07:49,961 I, uh... 54 00:07:49,985 --> 00:07:50,986 Don't. 55 00:07:56,324 --> 00:07:58,326 This song is called "men and women"! 56 00:09:09,431 --> 00:09:10,849 It's cute. 57 00:09:21,860 --> 00:09:23,862 What? 58 00:09:31,002 --> 00:09:33,597 I don't. 59 00:09:41,629 --> 00:09:43,130 It's true. 60 00:10:29,844 --> 00:10:30,928 Thanks. 61 00:10:40,605 --> 00:10:42,083 Thank you. 62 00:10:42,107 --> 00:10:43,441 Pick that wedge! 63 00:10:53,168 --> 00:10:55,062 I'm 19 years old. I'm a young comedian. 64 00:10:55,086 --> 00:10:56,564 I hate that term "young comedian." 65 00:10:56,588 --> 00:10:58,566 I prefer "prodigy." 66 00:10:58,590 --> 00:11:01,602 And people pigeonhole me, 67 00:11:01,626 --> 00:11:04,688 you know, as a comic, which is so disingenuous. 68 00:11:04,712 --> 00:11:06,190 'Cause I'm not a comedian. I'm an artist. 69 00:11:06,214 --> 00:11:08,692 And I don't do comedy shows. I do one-man shows. 70 00:11:08,716 --> 00:11:12,196 I've been doing them... 1998 was my first one-man show. 71 00:11:12,220 --> 00:11:14,698 It was a show about Jews in Nazi Germany 72 00:11:14,722 --> 00:11:16,667 called "under the floorboards." 73 00:11:16,691 --> 00:11:19,620 No, no, no, watch and then judge. 74 00:11:19,644 --> 00:11:22,146 This is a scene from "under the floorboards." 75 00:11:23,364 --> 00:11:24,708 Hey. 76 00:11:24,732 --> 00:11:27,568 Shh! 77 00:11:27,869 --> 00:11:30,454 Then in '99... 78 00:11:37,378 --> 00:11:39,258 '99, I did a piece called "the catholic orgasm." 79 00:11:39,631 --> 00:11:41,582 I'll do a scene from that. 80 00:11:46,387 --> 00:11:50,451 2000... um... 81 00:11:50,475 --> 00:11:56,457 2000, I did a piece called "the inappropriate musician." 82 00:11:56,481 --> 00:11:58,409 Mike... 83 00:11:58,433 --> 00:12:00,911 Mike, back off the ledge, Mike. 84 00:12:00,935 --> 00:12:01,912 Mike, think about your kids. 85 00:12:01,936 --> 00:12:03,414 You want them to grow up without a father? 86 00:12:03,438 --> 00:12:05,638 Is that what you want, Mike? Mike, please, listen to me! 87 00:12:05,940 --> 00:12:08,419 I'm your friend! Mike! Mike, no, Mike! 88 00:12:08,443 --> 00:12:10,278 No, Mike! 89 00:12:13,248 --> 00:12:15,750 He's saved. 90 00:12:16,167 --> 00:12:19,180 And then in, um, 2001, 91 00:12:19,204 --> 00:12:21,732 I did John steinbeck's "the grapes of wrath," 92 00:12:21,756 --> 00:12:23,234 except I adapted it into a story 93 00:12:23,258 --> 00:12:25,093 about an intergalactic sexual predator 94 00:12:25,343 --> 00:12:26,927 called "the rapes of grath." 95 00:12:30,215 --> 00:12:31,525 2002, I did a piece... 96 00:12:31,549 --> 00:12:33,589 If you're familiar with the piece "the elephant man" 97 00:12:34,052 --> 00:12:36,030 I did a piece based off that called "bulldog man" 98 00:12:36,054 --> 00:12:40,058 and I'll do a monologue from that right now. 99 00:12:52,453 --> 00:12:55,466 2000, uh... 100 00:12:55,490 --> 00:12:58,469 2000... thank you. That was a good one. 101 00:12:58,493 --> 00:13:00,971 I got a danza nomination for that. 102 00:13:00,995 --> 00:13:03,998 It's right after the Tonys. 2000... 103 00:13:04,499 --> 00:13:05,476 2003 I did a piece 104 00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:08,002 called "the native American in the magic show." 105 00:13:08,503 --> 00:13:10,505 How? 106 00:13:12,006 --> 00:13:17,988 2004, I did a piece called "smeagol from lord of the rings 107 00:13:18,012 --> 00:13:20,457 having sex with a black girl. 108 00:13:20,481 --> 00:13:22,483 Oh! Precious. 109 00:13:24,819 --> 00:13:26,654 Two thou... 110 00:13:33,194 --> 00:13:35,673 2005, I did a piece called 111 00:13:35,697 --> 00:13:37,699 "Charlie brown getting molested." 112 00:13:40,585 --> 00:13:43,120 What are you doing? Hello, is anybody here? 113 00:13:45,590 --> 00:13:47,568 What are you doing? Let go of me! 114 00:13:47,592 --> 00:13:49,093 What are you doing? 115 00:13:53,181 --> 00:13:54,658 Good grief! 116 00:13:54,682 --> 00:13:57,444 So, 2000, um.. 117 00:13:57,468 --> 00:14:01,722 Thank you. Yeah. 118 00:14:02,056 --> 00:14:04,118 That was a good one. 119 00:14:04,142 --> 00:14:06,144 2005, 6? 5? 120 00:14:06,644 --> 00:14:08,088 Doesn't matter. I'm lying. 121 00:14:08,112 --> 00:14:12,149 2000... 122 00:14:12,650 --> 00:14:17,154 2006, I did a piece called "the figure skater's father." 123 00:14:20,658 --> 00:14:22,136 My son? What does he do? 124 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,661 He's a, uh... 125 00:14:27,165 --> 00:14:29,800 He's an athlete. 126 00:14:30,385 --> 00:14:31,862 What kind of athlete? 127 00:14:31,886 --> 00:14:33,387 He's a, uh... 128 00:14:37,225 --> 00:14:38,786 He's a f... 129 00:14:38,810 --> 00:14:40,287 He a... 130 00:14:40,311 --> 00:14:42,313 He's a f... 131 00:14:44,148 --> 00:14:46,183 2000... 132 00:14:48,653 --> 00:14:53,133 2007, I did a piece called "the juggler's wife." 133 00:14:53,157 --> 00:14:56,443 "Please stop juggling!" 134 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,759 2008... 135 00:15:01,783 --> 00:15:04,762 I did a dark piece that caused a lot of controversy 136 00:15:04,786 --> 00:15:06,266 because I played a slave in the 1780s, 137 00:15:06,671 --> 00:15:08,732 but I didn't wear makeup, 'cause as an artist, 138 00:15:08,756 --> 00:15:10,734 I feel I'm qualified to tell any story. 139 00:15:10,758 --> 00:15:13,737 And it was a piece called "whiplashes," 140 00:15:13,761 --> 00:15:16,740 and it's raw, hard art, so if you're averse to that, 141 00:15:16,764 --> 00:15:18,742 you might want to look away. 142 00:15:18,766 --> 00:15:21,185 But this is the climactic scene from "whiplashes." 143 00:15:27,308 --> 00:15:29,310 You'll have to answer to god for this. 144 00:15:31,813 --> 00:15:33,281 Ow. 145 00:15:45,042 --> 00:15:48,021 You're a dick. 146 00:15:48,045 --> 00:15:51,131 And then, um... 147 00:15:51,632 --> 00:15:53,634 2009, which is the final piece 148 00:15:54,135 --> 00:15:56,613 before the piece I'm doing currently, um... 149 00:15:56,637 --> 00:15:58,138 I did a really emotional piece. 150 00:15:58,639 --> 00:16:00,679 It means a lot to me, so forgive me if I break down, 151 00:16:01,142 --> 00:16:02,619 but it's called the "the boy and his dog." 152 00:16:02,643 --> 00:16:04,645 It goes like this. 153 00:16:07,148 --> 00:16:09,150 Get out of here, all right? Go, please. 154 00:16:09,650 --> 00:16:11,652 I can't afford to keep you anymore, I just can't. 155 00:16:11,936 --> 00:16:14,738 Just... don't make this harder than it has to be. 156 00:16:15,239 --> 00:16:16,216 Just... I hate you. 157 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:17,718 Is that what you need to hear from me? 158 00:16:17,742 --> 00:16:19,470 I hate you, okay? I hate you. 159 00:16:19,494 --> 00:16:21,579 I hate you! 160 00:16:25,032 --> 00:16:27,084 And it's just not me. 161 00:16:29,370 --> 00:16:31,171 My dog hates Mexicans, too. 162 00:16:50,725 --> 00:16:53,036 Oh, god. Gotta love irony. 163 00:16:53,060 --> 00:16:55,062 I, um... 164 00:17:02,069 --> 00:17:04,047 I believe in the zodiac. 165 00:17:04,071 --> 00:17:05,549 I do, I do, completely. 166 00:17:05,573 --> 00:17:07,551 I'm a Leo. I love "Titanic." 167 00:17:07,575 --> 00:17:11,555 But this is something a little bit morbidly ironic. 168 00:17:11,579 --> 00:17:14,024 My grandmother, she was a cancer, 169 00:17:14,048 --> 00:17:16,083 and she was actually killed 170 00:17:16,584 --> 00:17:18,586 by a giant crab. 171 00:17:22,089 --> 00:17:23,567 This is a song about the idea of irony. 172 00:17:23,591 --> 00:17:27,070 So strap in. 173 00:18:42,136 --> 00:18:43,720 Peta? Fuck it. 174 00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:09,256 Take it off, big boy! 175 00:20:09,757 --> 00:20:11,234 Thank you, it's a medium. 176 00:20:11,258 --> 00:20:14,237 Um... 177 00:20:14,261 --> 00:20:17,491 We live in a binary reality. We do. 178 00:20:17,515 --> 00:20:18,909 It's a world of black and white. 179 00:20:18,933 --> 00:20:21,328 There's only two types of people in this world, 180 00:20:21,352 --> 00:20:23,580 you know, those who can finish lists... 181 00:20:23,604 --> 00:20:26,667 What is art? What is art? 182 00:20:26,691 --> 00:20:29,670 Is art something gay people do to get back at their fathers? 183 00:20:29,694 --> 00:20:32,055 Could be. What is an artist? 184 00:20:32,079 --> 00:20:34,159 What makes a great artist, great artists like myself, 185 00:20:34,448 --> 00:20:35,866 like the great director Michael bay. 186 00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:38,252 Like the great Irish actor, Shaquille O'Neal. 187 00:20:41,756 --> 00:20:45,235 We ask questions, you know? 188 00:20:45,259 --> 00:20:48,739 Questions nobody else dares to ask. 189 00:20:48,763 --> 00:20:51,265 Questions like... 190 00:20:51,716 --> 00:20:54,218 Where are all the sour patch parents? 191 00:21:00,191 --> 00:21:02,119 Questions like if Mickey's a mouse 192 00:21:02,143 --> 00:21:03,620 and minnie's a mouse, and Donald's a duck, 193 00:21:03,644 --> 00:21:05,122 and Daisy and goofy, if they're all animals, 194 00:21:05,146 --> 00:21:09,626 and they can talk, why is pluto just a fuckin' dog? 195 00:21:09,650 --> 00:21:13,130 Why... did they just forget to anthropomorphize him, or worse, 196 00:21:13,154 --> 00:21:15,632 is Mickey keeping a mentally handicapped dude as pet? 197 00:21:15,656 --> 00:21:17,634 I'm not making light of it. That's fucked up. 198 00:21:17,658 --> 00:21:20,137 How does it fit into that universe, that paradigm? 199 00:21:20,161 --> 00:21:22,321 Goofy's a dog. He's talking. This one, crawling around. 200 00:21:25,633 --> 00:21:29,169 Guys, I would never bash Disney. I would never bash Disney. 201 00:21:29,670 --> 00:21:31,948 I think Disney teaches young kids 202 00:21:31,972 --> 00:21:33,450 such important lessons. 203 00:21:33,474 --> 00:21:35,452 The Princess fairy tales teach young girls 204 00:21:35,476 --> 00:21:36,820 such important lessons. 205 00:21:36,844 --> 00:21:38,238 You know, like cinderella, 206 00:21:38,262 --> 00:21:39,790 it doesn't matter where you come from 207 00:21:39,814 --> 00:21:42,817 or how poor you are as long as you're incredibly hot. 208 00:21:45,152 --> 00:21:49,499 Snow white, you know, which encourages children to, 209 00:21:49,523 --> 00:21:51,992 you know, give midgets nicknames. 210 00:21:58,199 --> 00:21:59,760 Sleeping beauty, you know, 211 00:21:59,784 --> 00:22:02,763 which encourages, uh... 212 00:22:02,787 --> 00:22:04,347 Date rape. 213 00:22:04,371 --> 00:22:06,539 Maybe not... maybe not that one. 214 00:22:09,126 --> 00:22:11,354 I was doing a show recently on the border 215 00:22:11,378 --> 00:22:13,857 of Hannah, Montana, and south Dakota fanning. 216 00:22:13,881 --> 00:22:16,383 And a guy came up to me after the show, 217 00:22:16,884 --> 00:22:18,578 and said, "Bo, why don't you ever tell stories 218 00:22:18,602 --> 00:22:20,163 about people coming up to you after the show?" 219 00:22:20,187 --> 00:22:21,787 And I said, "'cause they're never funny." 220 00:22:24,692 --> 00:22:27,587 I would fuck you. 221 00:22:27,611 --> 00:22:29,589 This is a listening show. 222 00:22:29,613 --> 00:22:32,115 Um... 223 00:22:35,619 --> 00:22:37,120 Yeah. 224 00:22:37,621 --> 00:22:41,908 Be quiet, america doesn't want to hear you clap. 225 00:22:42,159 --> 00:22:43,720 Do it, though, when I need it. 226 00:22:43,744 --> 00:22:44,878 When I need it! 227 00:22:47,464 --> 00:22:49,943 I've always wanted a black girlfriend, 228 00:22:49,967 --> 00:22:51,945 not as joke, just 'cause like, 229 00:22:51,969 --> 00:22:56,066 then when we 69, I can call it "yin yanging." 230 00:22:56,090 --> 00:22:57,674 Guys, see... 231 00:22:57,892 --> 00:23:00,570 Easy, look, it's 21st-century racism. 232 00:23:00,594 --> 00:23:02,656 It's racism in light of itself. 233 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,991 The only reason I'm making these claims is because the stigmas 234 00:23:05,015 --> 00:23:08,078 about race are already there and I'm just playing off that. 235 00:23:08,102 --> 00:23:10,580 'Cause I think racism itself is so ridiculous, 236 00:23:10,604 --> 00:23:12,444 and they understand that, so if after the show, 237 00:23:12,606 --> 00:23:13,967 you see a black guy beating me up, 238 00:23:13,991 --> 00:23:17,053 he's doing it ironically. 239 00:23:17,077 --> 00:23:18,078 Okay? 240 00:23:30,841 --> 00:23:33,343 I'll sleep with you! 241 00:23:34,845 --> 00:23:36,630 We all will! 242 00:23:43,304 --> 00:23:44,305 Ya done? 243 00:23:47,808 --> 00:23:50,337 Of course all the women that said that were in the dark. 244 00:23:50,361 --> 00:23:52,863 I, um... 245 00:23:53,364 --> 00:23:55,366 No, I bet you're gorgeous in the dark. 246 00:23:55,866 --> 00:23:57,868 Um... 247 00:23:58,369 --> 00:24:00,204 Okay. 248 00:25:16,647 --> 00:25:17,591 Yeah! 249 00:26:55,746 --> 00:26:57,273 Yeah. 250 00:27:48,048 --> 00:27:49,599 What the fuck? 251 00:27:59,977 --> 00:28:01,871 Let US pray. 252 00:28:01,895 --> 00:28:03,456 Don't feel like you can't participate, 253 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:04,958 by the way, if you're not Christian, 254 00:28:04,982 --> 00:28:08,461 'cause this is a prayer for all faiths, so... 255 00:28:08,485 --> 00:28:10,487 Dear Jesus of nazareth... 256 00:28:12,322 --> 00:28:14,134 First of all, I'd like to thank you 257 00:28:14,158 --> 00:28:16,102 for calling yourself Jesus of nazareth. 258 00:28:16,126 --> 00:28:18,188 It's sort of like the lord of the rings or something. 259 00:28:18,212 --> 00:28:21,691 "I am Jesus of nazareth, son of orflek, the butcher." 260 00:28:21,715 --> 00:28:25,218 We know, lord, that you so loved the world from John 3:16, 261 00:28:25,719 --> 00:28:28,698 you so loved the world that you sent your only son 262 00:28:28,722 --> 00:28:31,784 to die for US, your only son, but at the same time, 263 00:28:31,808 --> 00:28:33,786 we're all your children, so in your eyes, 264 00:28:33,810 --> 00:28:35,311 we're a bunch of girls. 265 00:28:40,317 --> 00:28:41,878 So help US as we struggle 266 00:28:41,902 --> 00:28:43,880 with the temptations of lesbianism, amen. 267 00:28:43,904 --> 00:28:45,498 I, uh... 268 00:28:45,522 --> 00:28:48,384 People come to me all the time... All the time, 269 00:28:48,408 --> 00:28:50,386 they say the same thing, you know, 270 00:28:50,410 --> 00:28:52,361 "Bo, you're an artist. How do we fix Africa?" 271 00:28:57,451 --> 00:29:02,015 I read recently that there are over 22 million people 272 00:29:02,039 --> 00:29:04,517 living with HIV aids in Sub-Saharan Africa. 273 00:29:04,541 --> 00:29:07,987 Yeah. It was a snapple fact. 274 00:29:08,011 --> 00:29:10,596 How do we fix it? How do we fix it? 275 00:29:11,098 --> 00:29:12,098 This. 276 00:29:12,599 --> 00:29:14,577 Because laughter... 277 00:29:14,601 --> 00:29:16,579 Laughter is the best medicine, 278 00:29:16,603 --> 00:29:18,521 you know, besides medicine. 279 00:29:22,309 --> 00:29:23,810 You guys like impressions? 280 00:29:25,812 --> 00:29:29,292 Why? 281 00:29:29,316 --> 00:29:30,817 That was socrates. 282 00:29:32,569 --> 00:29:34,447 We've done a lot of laughing... Lot of laughing. 283 00:29:34,471 --> 00:29:37,517 Great for a comedy show. Hey, break the fourth wall. 284 00:29:37,541 --> 00:29:39,519 Ma'am. Fifth wall... ma'am at home. 285 00:29:39,543 --> 00:29:43,106 We've done a lot of... We've done a lot of laughing. 286 00:29:43,130 --> 00:29:45,191 But we haven't done a lot of thinking. 287 00:29:45,215 --> 00:29:47,217 And I'd like to do that now, and what better 288 00:29:47,718 --> 00:29:50,196 to stop comic inertia than a little bit of poetic friction? 289 00:29:50,220 --> 00:29:51,698 I've written some haikus. 290 00:29:51,722 --> 00:29:54,200 Haikus are Japanese poems consisting of 17 syllables, 291 00:29:54,224 --> 00:29:56,119 3 lines, 5, 7, 5. 292 00:29:56,143 --> 00:29:59,072 I find them to have a certain clearness in their cogency, 293 00:29:59,096 --> 00:30:01,074 sort of a soundness in their simplicity, if you will. 294 00:30:01,098 --> 00:30:04,077 So what we'll do now hopefully is read these haikus, 295 00:30:04,101 --> 00:30:06,079 think for a little bit, and then we'll go back 296 00:30:06,103 --> 00:30:07,580 to the jokes and the laughing 297 00:30:07,604 --> 00:30:10,083 and we'll have benefited from the time we took to think. 298 00:30:10,107 --> 00:30:12,552 So if could just, you know, 299 00:30:12,576 --> 00:30:15,078 put up with these, think for a bit, hopefully, 300 00:30:15,579 --> 00:30:17,056 and then we'll go back to the jokes, 301 00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,082 but these are my haikus. 302 00:30:27,924 --> 00:30:30,876 I saw a rainbow on the day my grandma died. 303 00:30:33,797 --> 00:30:34,797 Fucking lesbian. 304 00:30:45,192 --> 00:30:49,872 For 15 cents a day, you can feed an African. 305 00:30:49,896 --> 00:30:51,898 They eat pennies. 306 00:30:59,656 --> 00:31:01,634 Old people's skin sags 307 00:31:01,658 --> 00:31:04,387 because it is being pulled towards the underworld. 308 00:31:04,411 --> 00:31:07,414 Missed that. 309 00:31:14,721 --> 00:31:17,984 A kid insulted my mother so I said, 310 00:31:18,008 --> 00:31:20,010 "your mama is so black!" 311 00:31:29,569 --> 00:31:33,189 "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." 312 00:31:35,692 --> 00:31:37,493 Said the rapist. 313 00:31:47,087 --> 00:31:52,459 My aunt used to say, "slow and steady wins the race." 314 00:31:55,379 --> 00:31:57,214 She died in a fire. 315 00:32:05,105 --> 00:32:08,201 Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones 316 00:32:08,225 --> 00:32:11,311 or masturbate in the daytime. 317 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,398 It's true. 318 00:32:19,202 --> 00:32:21,681 Even if he is your friend, 319 00:32:21,705 --> 00:32:24,708 never, ever call an Asian person. 320 00:32:34,751 --> 00:32:36,229 And finally... 321 00:32:36,253 --> 00:32:38,255 Bono, if you wanna help poor people, 322 00:32:38,755 --> 00:32:41,140 sell your tinted shades, you cunt. 323 00:32:54,855 --> 00:32:56,015 Thank you, this next piece... 324 00:32:56,356 --> 00:32:58,801 This next piece is called "sonnet 155" 325 00:32:58,825 --> 00:33:00,803 or "if Shakespeare had written a porn." 326 00:33:00,827 --> 00:33:02,805 And it goes like this. 327 00:33:02,829 --> 00:33:05,308 I saw the morning dew betwixt thine thighs 328 00:33:05,332 --> 00:33:07,283 as I removed my source of grecian power. 329 00:33:07,667 --> 00:33:10,229 As if king midas dared to touch the skies, 330 00:33:10,253 --> 00:33:12,622 upon thy body fell a golden shower. 331 00:33:16,009 --> 00:33:18,738 Thy body's temple's two church bells had rung. 332 00:33:18,762 --> 00:33:21,574 Upon thy chest, a roll of pearls bestowed. 333 00:33:21,598 --> 00:33:24,360 The sun had set, thy set with weary hung. 334 00:33:24,384 --> 00:33:28,554 I thought, how black a night, and blew a load. 335 00:33:32,559 --> 00:33:35,037 I said what light through yonder beaver breaks? 336 00:33:35,061 --> 00:33:36,562 It is the yeast. 337 00:33:44,821 --> 00:33:46,632 And now my belly's yellow. 338 00:33:46,656 --> 00:33:49,469 My pole gives cause to storms and earthy quakes, 339 00:33:49,493 --> 00:33:52,355 but 'tis not massive, I am no othello. 340 00:33:52,379 --> 00:33:55,358 And when that final moment came to pass, 341 00:33:55,382 --> 00:33:57,860 like Christ, I came a-riding on an ass. 342 00:33:57,884 --> 00:33:58,884 Thank you very much. 343 00:34:08,011 --> 00:34:10,790 Thank you, William Shakespeare... 344 00:34:10,814 --> 00:34:12,792 William Shakespeare was a verbal contortionist. 345 00:34:12,816 --> 00:34:14,293 He can bend his words 346 00:34:14,317 --> 00:34:15,795 the way a contortionist bends his frame, 347 00:34:15,819 --> 00:34:16,796 and I would hope that he could 348 00:34:16,820 --> 00:34:18,297 with a name like William Shakespeare. 349 00:34:18,321 --> 00:34:19,799 William Shakespeare... Some of you seem lost. 350 00:34:19,823 --> 00:34:21,250 Look, say your name was Robert frost, 351 00:34:21,274 --> 00:34:22,802 and you couldn't write, that would suck. 352 00:34:22,826 --> 00:34:24,754 Well, I guess you could always go as Bobby frost 353 00:34:24,778 --> 00:34:26,305 and own an ice cream truck. 354 00:34:26,329 --> 00:34:29,809 He was balanced like a simile and could stack metaphor five, 355 00:34:29,833 --> 00:34:31,093 six at a time and rhyme 356 00:34:31,117 --> 00:34:32,597 into the very last line of a soliloquy 357 00:34:33,119 --> 00:34:34,597 which finally said outright what the previous 77 358 00:34:34,621 --> 00:34:36,065 we're only hinting at. 359 00:34:36,089 --> 00:34:37,567 He had puns and quips and tons of trips 360 00:34:37,591 --> 00:34:38,591 with sons with ships, 361 00:34:39,092 --> 00:34:40,570 with nuns with hips and buns and lips, 362 00:34:40,594 --> 00:34:43,573 but I have something that Shakespeare never had. 363 00:34:43,597 --> 00:34:45,599 Penicillin. 364 00:34:47,100 --> 00:34:49,078 See, it hadn't been invented yet. 365 00:34:49,102 --> 00:34:52,081 Back then, they only had quillicillin, hey-oh! 366 00:34:52,105 --> 00:34:53,165 Sorry, it's not that hard, bard. 367 00:34:53,189 --> 00:34:54,667 I'm sorry, I got a bone to pick with you, William. 368 00:34:54,691 --> 00:34:56,536 So if you could just listen up here 369 00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:58,421 and listen to this theater queer's theater query here 370 00:34:58,445 --> 00:35:00,006 and maybe act like a real artist for once in your life. 371 00:35:00,030 --> 00:35:02,091 Say Van gogh and, "lend me your ear." 372 00:35:02,115 --> 00:35:03,116 You're not a writer. 373 00:35:03,617 --> 00:35:05,595 You're a writer like hulk hogan's a street fighter. 374 00:35:05,619 --> 00:35:08,097 You write these dramas, you accumulate your wealth, 375 00:35:08,121 --> 00:35:11,100 you hold nature as t'were mirror of yourself. 376 00:35:11,124 --> 00:35:13,102 Just 'cause you're messed up doesn't mean we are, too. 377 00:35:13,126 --> 00:35:14,486 Just 'cause you wanna bang your mom 378 00:35:14,628 --> 00:35:15,605 doesn't mean that Danish princes do. 379 00:35:15,629 --> 00:35:17,557 What? Who? Hamlet, Shakespeare. Yeah, that's right. 380 00:35:17,581 --> 00:35:18,901 The young prince whose father died 381 00:35:19,132 --> 00:35:20,526 at the hands of his uncle with whom his mother lied. 382 00:35:20,550 --> 00:35:24,170 Sound familiar? It's the fucking "lion king"! 383 00:35:27,173 --> 00:35:30,119 You stole from a Disney movie, you androgynous douche. 384 00:35:30,143 --> 00:35:32,178 What's next, the story of a French king 385 00:35:32,679 --> 00:35:35,181 on a quest to find his lost son Nemo? 386 00:35:37,734 --> 00:35:40,796 Oh, and by the way, poetic talent is really easy to fake 387 00:35:40,820 --> 00:35:44,740 when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make. 388 00:35:47,661 --> 00:35:50,664 "To be or not to be?" That is the question. 389 00:35:51,164 --> 00:35:53,643 Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer 390 00:35:53,667 --> 00:35:55,645 the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, 391 00:35:55,669 --> 00:35:58,064 or to take arms against a sea of troubles, 392 00:35:58,088 --> 00:36:00,623 and by opposing end them, to die... 393 00:36:01,007 --> 00:36:03,019 To sleep no more, and by a sleep, 394 00:36:03,043 --> 00:36:05,595 to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks 395 00:36:06,096 --> 00:36:08,074 that flesh is heir to. 396 00:36:08,098 --> 00:36:10,076 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. 397 00:36:10,100 --> 00:36:13,579 To die, to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream. 398 00:36:13,603 --> 00:36:17,166 Aye, there's the rub, for in that sleep of death, 399 00:36:17,190 --> 00:36:19,168 what dreams may come 400 00:36:19,192 --> 00:36:20,872 when we have shuffled off this mortal coil? 401 00:36:21,194 --> 00:36:23,122 Must give US pause. 402 00:36:23,146 --> 00:36:24,647 Like, what? 403 00:36:34,741 --> 00:36:38,220 This next song is about quantum mechanics. 404 00:36:38,244 --> 00:36:39,245 This next song... 405 00:36:43,917 --> 00:36:46,362 I was raised very well, you know, like a field of corn. 406 00:36:46,386 --> 00:36:48,314 I was also raised very Christian, 407 00:36:48,338 --> 00:36:49,815 like the children of the corn. 408 00:36:49,839 --> 00:36:51,399 And christians get angry at me, they do, 409 00:36:51,841 --> 00:36:53,342 because I say things like, 410 00:36:53,843 --> 00:36:55,344 "why the long nose, pope-nocchio?" 411 00:36:55,845 --> 00:36:58,324 They think I'll gonna go to hell. 412 00:36:58,348 --> 00:36:59,825 Truth is, I've been to Christian hell, 413 00:36:59,849 --> 00:37:01,183 and I wrote a song about it. 414 00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:26,485 I was surrounded by catholicism at a young age 415 00:37:26,509 --> 00:37:28,594 and I was also in a garage band for 20 minutes. 416 00:37:29,095 --> 00:37:30,880 This is the product of that. Hit it. 417 00:38:36,613 --> 00:38:37,973 He was messin' around. 418 00:38:37,997 --> 00:38:41,834 He's... he... Jesus is sort of like... 419 00:39:23,326 --> 00:39:24,606 But my dog just had leg surgery. 420 00:39:25,078 --> 00:39:26,972 If you could fix that first? 421 00:39:26,996 --> 00:39:29,942 Jesus? 422 00:41:01,257 --> 00:41:03,235 I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, 423 00:41:03,259 --> 00:41:04,737 and I also wanted to be a comedian, 424 00:41:04,761 --> 00:41:06,238 but only one of those sort of worked out. 425 00:41:06,262 --> 00:41:08,264 I'd like to try to do both, though now 426 00:41:08,765 --> 00:41:10,709 in a bit that I call "theoretical dick jokes." 427 00:41:10,733 --> 00:41:12,267 Goes like this. 428 00:41:13,736 --> 00:41:15,714 My penis is so small I often have trouble finding it 429 00:41:15,738 --> 00:41:17,716 because it's so gratefully influenced by 430 00:41:17,740 --> 00:41:20,219 quantum mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space-time. 431 00:41:20,243 --> 00:41:22,221 And when I'm having intercourse with a woman, 432 00:41:22,245 --> 00:41:24,223 she can only know where my penis is or how fast it's moving 433 00:41:24,247 --> 00:41:26,225 'cause it's small enough and light enough to be fully 434 00:41:26,249 --> 00:41:28,169 governed by the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. 435 00:41:28,201 --> 00:41:29,228 I've got an eating disorder. 436 00:41:29,252 --> 00:41:31,730 Yeah, more like nutritional entropy. 437 00:41:31,754 --> 00:41:33,232 So... 438 00:41:33,256 --> 00:41:36,259 Never said I was funny, okay? So stop staring at me. 439 00:41:38,628 --> 00:41:40,105 Segues are weird. 440 00:41:40,129 --> 00:41:43,108 How old is too old to stop believing in, like, 441 00:41:43,132 --> 00:41:45,077 the tooth fairy, like, 12? 442 00:41:45,101 --> 00:41:48,998 I have a cousin who is 18, yeah. 443 00:41:49,022 --> 00:41:50,916 Still believes in gay marriage. 444 00:41:50,940 --> 00:41:53,025 It's like... 445 00:41:55,611 --> 00:41:57,122 I know what you guys are thinking... 446 00:41:57,146 --> 00:41:59,625 "oh, Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects. 447 00:41:59,649 --> 00:42:01,627 You know, "is there anything off-limits, 448 00:42:01,651 --> 00:42:03,452 "anything you don't find funny, 449 00:42:03,619 --> 00:42:05,704 anything you think is too sacred to laugh at?" 450 00:42:06,205 --> 00:42:08,707 And the truth is, there is. 451 00:42:10,710 --> 00:42:11,711 White people. 452 00:42:18,134 --> 00:42:20,136 I think we've been through enough. 453 00:42:24,924 --> 00:42:27,009 I find numbers to be fascinating 454 00:42:27,343 --> 00:42:29,154 and more specifically than numbers, I find statistics 455 00:42:29,178 --> 00:42:31,657 to be particularly enlightening, thought-provoking even. 456 00:42:31,681 --> 00:42:33,659 I've gathered some here. These are all 100% true. 457 00:42:33,683 --> 00:42:36,123 When you leave this theater and enter the world devoid of art, 458 00:42:36,319 --> 00:42:37,796 you can check these, and they will come back 459 00:42:37,820 --> 00:42:38,821 'cause they are true. 460 00:42:39,322 --> 00:42:41,300 I don't want them to blow your mind, 461 00:42:41,324 --> 00:42:43,302 but maybe you'll hear one of these and go, 462 00:42:43,326 --> 00:42:44,803 "oh, my god, never thought of that." 463 00:42:44,827 --> 00:42:47,329 So these are my statistics. 464 00:42:49,415 --> 00:42:51,917 Approximately 33.33% 465 00:42:52,418 --> 00:42:54,420 of the Jonas brothers have diabetes. 466 00:43:00,626 --> 00:43:03,105 One out of every four kids with the initials a.D.D. 467 00:43:03,129 --> 00:43:05,131 Actually has it, and four out of four kids 468 00:43:05,631 --> 00:43:07,351 with the initials a.D.H.D. Have an annoying, 469 00:43:07,633 --> 00:43:09,611 self-righteous mother who wouldn't just shut the fuck up 470 00:43:09,635 --> 00:43:11,219 and take her husband's last name. 471 00:43:16,559 --> 00:43:18,337 Here's a fun one. 472 00:43:18,361 --> 00:43:21,864 One of the every 44 u.S. Presidents can dunk. 473 00:43:26,452 --> 00:43:28,954 It's Millard Fillmore, you racists. 474 00:43:31,207 --> 00:43:35,711 The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes. 475 00:43:37,213 --> 00:43:38,974 It's a fact! 476 00:43:38,998 --> 00:43:41,000 I'm not making light of it. It's numbers. 477 00:43:43,002 --> 00:43:45,481 All right, you guys are offended by that one, 478 00:43:45,505 --> 00:43:47,483 you're definitely gonna be offended by the next one. 479 00:43:47,507 --> 00:43:49,785 But you have to understand something... 480 00:43:49,809 --> 00:43:52,371 I am, too. 481 00:43:52,395 --> 00:43:54,847 I think this is fucked up. 482 00:43:56,899 --> 00:44:00,379 .27% of all jenga games are played on 9/11. 483 00:44:00,403 --> 00:44:02,164 Now... 484 00:44:02,188 --> 00:44:03,868 It's fucked up! Stop playing jenga on 9/11. 485 00:44:04,273 --> 00:44:06,251 Stop it. Stop it. 486 00:44:06,275 --> 00:44:09,778 Stop playing jenga... 487 00:44:11,781 --> 00:44:13,759 That was awkward. 488 00:44:13,783 --> 00:44:17,262 This next one blew my mind. Blew my mind. 489 00:44:17,286 --> 00:44:19,565 And you're not gonna believe this when you hear it. 490 00:44:19,589 --> 00:44:22,067 But go home, check it. I swear to god it's true. 491 00:44:22,091 --> 00:44:25,070 The average person... 492 00:44:25,094 --> 00:44:27,596 Has one fallopian tube. 493 00:44:36,355 --> 00:44:38,333 The average penis length is 51/2 inches. 494 00:44:38,357 --> 00:44:40,335 And finally, the average penis length of a man 495 00:44:40,359 --> 00:44:42,838 who googles "average penis length" is 31/2 inches. 496 00:44:42,862 --> 00:44:44,146 Thank you. 497 00:44:50,536 --> 00:44:52,097 Yeah, Bo! 498 00:44:52,121 --> 00:44:53,122 Yeah, Bo! 499 00:44:55,791 --> 00:44:57,876 Yeah. 500 00:44:58,377 --> 00:44:59,855 Thank you. 501 00:44:59,879 --> 00:45:03,358 I went to the movies the other day because I went to see 502 00:45:03,382 --> 00:45:06,385 the 20th anniversary of "schindler's list" in 3-d. 503 00:45:08,387 --> 00:45:11,390 And I went into the girls' bathroom to look for my camera. 504 00:45:12,892 --> 00:45:17,873 And I saw a container that said "sanitary napkins only." 505 00:45:17,897 --> 00:45:19,315 Ladies... 506 00:45:21,817 --> 00:45:23,795 Don't put all your eggs in one basket! 507 00:45:23,819 --> 00:45:25,821 That's a joke! 508 00:45:53,132 --> 00:45:55,517 This song... 509 00:45:55,768 --> 00:45:58,937 This song isn't funny at all, but it helps me sleep at night. 510 00:48:28,371 --> 00:48:30,899 Old comics... Older comics from, like, 511 00:48:30,923 --> 00:48:34,186 the '80s and the '70s, they think that my act is hacky 512 00:48:34,210 --> 00:48:35,930 because it relies on music and other things, 513 00:48:36,295 --> 00:48:37,773 and they're such comedy purists, 514 00:48:37,797 --> 00:48:40,299 and they don't think my comedy can stand on its own, 515 00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:42,744 which isn't true because, right, 516 00:48:42,768 --> 00:48:44,302 I am a comedy purist at heart, 517 00:48:44,804 --> 00:48:46,404 and I can do comedy without the gimmicks. 518 00:48:46,806 --> 00:48:49,141 And it can still be good. I'll show you that right now. 519 00:48:49,392 --> 00:48:52,478 What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? 520 00:48:52,978 --> 00:48:54,779 Names. 521 00:49:08,210 --> 00:49:12,190 I'm not a traditional stand-up, um, but I'd like to be. 522 00:49:12,214 --> 00:49:14,142 I love traditional stand-up comedy, 523 00:49:14,166 --> 00:49:17,195 and a lot of my heroes are traditional stand-up comics, 524 00:49:17,219 --> 00:49:18,697 and I've been watching a lot of it, 525 00:49:18,721 --> 00:49:21,650 and I think I've sort of figured out the trick to it. 526 00:49:21,674 --> 00:49:24,202 So I'll give you my traditional stand-up act now. 527 00:49:24,226 --> 00:49:27,205 It's in its infancy so please be gentle. 528 00:49:27,229 --> 00:49:29,708 Uh... 529 00:49:29,732 --> 00:49:31,734 My wife, right? 530 00:49:35,738 --> 00:49:38,216 We never have sex, like, ever, which is funny. 531 00:49:38,240 --> 00:49:40,218 Something else is I never know what she's saying. 532 00:49:40,242 --> 00:49:43,505 You know, she'll say something, and I'll be, like... 533 00:49:43,529 --> 00:49:46,475 Something else is, she's, like, constantly emasculating me, 534 00:49:46,499 --> 00:49:48,477 and I'm making her resent herself for getting older, 535 00:49:48,501 --> 00:49:51,096 so we're looking into a divorce, which is funny. 536 00:49:51,120 --> 00:49:53,181 Something else is she can't drive. 537 00:49:53,205 --> 00:49:55,173 The only thing she can drive is drive me crazy! 538 00:49:55,708 --> 00:49:57,308 You know, when she back-talks, I hit her. 539 00:50:04,350 --> 00:50:05,851 I hope you all enjoyed the show. 540 00:50:06,352 --> 00:50:10,699 Thank you so much for coming, and if you didn't, you know... 541 00:50:10,723 --> 00:50:14,085 When life gets you down... 542 00:50:14,109 --> 00:50:15,610 Make a comforter. 543 00:50:24,153 --> 00:50:26,932 I feel like hip-hop... 544 00:50:26,956 --> 00:50:31,219 Used to be a voice for the voiceless, you know? 545 00:50:31,243 --> 00:50:33,188 And now it's become, at least in the mainstream, 546 00:50:33,212 --> 00:50:37,216 a symbol of misogyny... 547 00:50:39,718 --> 00:50:41,219 Gay panic... 548 00:50:43,222 --> 00:50:46,201 Fiscal irresponsibility, you know? 549 00:50:46,225 --> 00:50:49,654 So I figure... 550 00:50:49,678 --> 00:50:51,229 If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. 551 00:53:08,317 --> 00:53:12,764 Like to break it down for y'all. 552 00:53:12,788 --> 00:53:14,873 I came from the streets with nothing. 553 00:53:17,376 --> 00:53:19,878 Now I'm making hit records. 554 00:53:20,329 --> 00:53:22,857 For my people still living in the streets, 555 00:53:22,881 --> 00:53:24,359 still living in poverty, 556 00:53:24,383 --> 00:53:27,696 I wanna tell you, I'm doing this for you. 557 00:53:27,720 --> 00:53:30,532 My success... 558 00:53:30,556 --> 00:53:32,400 Is your success. 559 00:53:32,424 --> 00:53:34,705 And you may be thinking, "hey, if you really believe that, 560 00:53:34,810 --> 00:53:36,287 "why don't you use some of your money 561 00:53:36,311 --> 00:53:38,289 "to help rebuild the neighborhood 562 00:53:38,313 --> 00:53:41,099 instead of putting spinning rims on a gold jetski?" 563 00:53:43,902 --> 00:53:46,404 And to that I say... 564 00:53:49,408 --> 00:53:50,885 Uh-oh, chorus is coming up. 565 00:54:56,391 --> 00:54:58,426 Oh... 566 00:55:04,850 --> 00:55:05,850 Okay. 567 00:55:57,703 --> 00:56:00,298 Yeah. 568 00:56:40,112 --> 00:56:41,780 I'm bad at sex. Get it? 569 00:56:46,201 --> 00:56:47,729 Yeah, what? 570 00:56:57,045 --> 00:56:59,190 Yeah, that's sad. 571 00:57:40,305 --> 00:57:42,283 If you want to take it all wear African neck rings. 572 00:57:42,307 --> 00:57:45,093 'Cause, like, man. 573 00:57:52,901 --> 00:57:54,796 Spells "semen." 574 00:58:01,360 --> 00:58:03,972 This song's gonna end really awkwardly. 575 00:58:03,996 --> 00:58:05,781 Thank you. I'll do one... 576 00:58:06,365 --> 00:58:07,725 Thank you guys so much for coming. 577 00:58:07,749 --> 00:58:09,827 I hope you have a great night, and you're the best. 578 00:58:09,851 --> 00:58:12,480 See you, Boston! Whoa, Boston! 579 00:58:12,504 --> 00:58:14,005 Red Sox. 580 00:58:18,510 --> 00:58:20,428 Go, mo Vaughn. 581 00:58:47,656 --> 00:58:50,635 Is he here? 582 00:59:28,080 --> 00:59:29,865 I wrote it before! I'm fine. 583 00:59:39,257 --> 00:59:41,292 Nobody to read her fucking diary. 584 01:00:07,619 --> 01:00:08,596 Yeah, hominid tree.