Thank you.
When I say hey, you say ho.
Hey. Ho!
That's basically how Hitler Rose to power.
"What up, Jamal?"
Thank you.
My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish.
She used to like to dress up as herself
and then act like a fuckin' bitch all the time.
But you know, they say if you wanna know
what a girl's gonna look like, look at her mother,
you know, so I'm so glad I broke up with her,
'cause she would've been, you know...
Dead.
I want your baby!
I'm keeping him.
Guys, I'm a realist! I'm a realist.
I try not to romanticize reality.
You know, like when life gives you lemons,
you probably just found lemons.
But at the same time,
I don't deny the beauty in the world
'cause there is so much beauty, because life
can be so symmetrical,
it gives birth to this almost silent poetry,
you know, like a hermaphrodite playing the keytar,
or a young amish boy trying to blow out the light bulbs
on his birthday cake,
or a girl... a girl who's terrible at grammar
saying, "mama, you raised me good."
And then being pushed down a well.
Symmetry.
Here's some racial humor for you.
White people are like this... "eh."
Black people are like this... "what?"
We're destined to fight forever. Blood in the streets.
If I had a dime... ha!
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy
asked me for change, I'd still say, "no."
No. Nope.
Yo' mama so fat! Yo' mama so ugly!
Yo' mama so stupid!
Your mother's breasts sag with such severity
that the late great surrealist artist Salvador dali
mistook them for clocks.
Um, thank you.
I... I believe...
I believe firmly that women are always right.
I do. I do.
Oh, I should rephrase that.
I, uh...
Don't.
This song is called "men and women"!
It's cute.
What?
I don't.
It's true.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Pick that wedge!
I'm 19 years old. I'm a young comedian.
I hate that term "young comedian."
I prefer "prodigy."
And people pigeonhole me,
you know, as a comic, which is so disingenuous.
'Cause I'm not a comedian. I'm an artist.
And I don't do comedy shows. I do one-man shows.
I've been doing them... 1998 was my first one-man show.
It was a show about Jews in Nazi Germany
called "under the floorboards."
No, no, no, watch and then judge.
This is a scene from "under the floorboards."
Hey.
Shh!
Then in '99...
'99, I did a piece called "the catholic orgasm."
I'll do a scene from that.
2000... um...
2000, I did a piece called "the inappropriate musician."
Mike...
Mike, back off the ledge, Mike.
Mike, think about your kids.
You want them to grow up without a father?
Is that what you want, Mike? Mike, please, listen to me!
I'm your friend! Mike! Mike, no, Mike!
No, Mike!
He's saved.
And then in, um, 2001,
I did John steinbeck's "the grapes of wrath,"
except I adapted it into a story
about an intergalactic sexual predator
called "the rapes of grath."
2002, I did a piece...
If you're familiar with the piece "the elephant man"
I did a piece based off that called "bulldog man"
and I'll do a monologue from that right now.
2000, uh...
2000... thank you. That was a good one.
I got a danza nomination for that.
It's right after the Tonys. 2000...
2003 I did a piece
called "the native American in the magic show."
How?
2004, I did a piece called "smeagol from lord of the rings
having sex with a black girl.
Oh! Precious.
Two thou...
2005, I did a piece called
"Charlie brown getting molested."
What are you doing? Hello, is anybody here?
What are you doing? Let go of me!
What are you doing?
Good grief!
So, 2000, um..
Thank you. Yeah.
That was a good one.
2005, 6? 5?
Doesn't matter. I'm lying.
2000...
2006, I did a piece called "the figure skater's father."
My son? What does he do?
He's a, uh...
He's an athlete.
What kind of athlete?
He's a, uh...
He's a f...
He a...
He's a f...
2000...
2007, I did a piece called "the juggler's wife."
"Please stop juggling!"
2008...
I did a dark piece that caused a lot of controversy
because I played a slave in the 1780s,
but I didn't wear makeup, 'cause as an artist,
I feel I'm qualified to tell any story.
And it was a piece called "whiplashes,"
and it's raw, hard art, so if you're averse to that,
you might want to look away.
But this is the climactic scene from "whiplashes."
You'll have to answer to god for this.
Ow.
You're a dick.
And then, um...
2009, which is the final piece
before the piece I'm doing currently, um...
I did a really emotional piece.
It means a lot to me, so forgive me if I break down,
but it's called the "the boy and his dog."
It goes like this.
Get out of here, all right? Go, please.
I can't afford to keep you anymore, I just can't.
Just... don't make this harder than it has to be.
Just... I hate you.
Is that what you need to hear from me?
I hate you, okay? I hate you.
I hate you!
And it's just not me.
My dog hates Mexicans, too.
Oh, god. Gotta love irony.
I, um...
I believe in the zodiac.
I do, I do, completely.
I'm a Leo. I love "Titanic."
But this is something a little bit morbidly ironic.
My grandmother, she was a cancer,
and she was actually killed
by a giant crab.
This is a song about the idea of irony.
So strap in.
Peta? Fuck it.
Take it off, big boy!
Thank you, it's a medium.
Um...
We live in a binary reality. We do.
It's a world of black and white.
There's only two types of people in this world,
you know, those who can finish lists...
What is art? What is art?
Is art something gay people do to get back at their fathers?
Could be. What is an artist?
What makes a great artist, great artists like myself,
like the great director Michael bay.
Like the great Irish actor, Shaquille O'Neal.
We ask questions, you know?
Questions nobody else dares to ask.
Questions like...
Where are all the sour patch parents?
Questions like if Mickey's a mouse
and minnie's a mouse, and Donald's a duck,
and Daisy and goofy, if they're all animals,
and they can talk, why is pluto just a fuckin' dog?
Why... did they just forget to anthropomorphize him, or worse,
is Mickey keeping a mentally handicapped dude as pet?
I'm not making light of it. That's fucked up.
How does it fit into that universe, that paradigm?
Goofy's a dog. He's talking. This one, crawling around.
Guys, I would never bash Disney. I would never bash Disney.
I think Disney teaches young kids
such important lessons.
The Princess fairy tales teach young girls
such important lessons.
You know, like cinderella,
it doesn't matter where you come from
or how poor you are as long as you're incredibly hot.
Snow white, you know, which encourages children to,
you know, give midgets nicknames.
Sleeping beauty, you know,
which encourages, uh...
Date rape.
Maybe not... maybe not that one.
I was doing a show recently on the border
of Hannah, Montana, and south Dakota fanning.
And a guy came up to me after the show,
and said, "Bo, why don't you ever tell stories
about people coming up to you after the show?"
And I said, "'cause they're never funny."
I would fuck you.
This is a listening show.
Um...
Yeah.
Be quiet, america doesn't want to hear you clap.
Do it, though, when I need it.
When I need it!
I've always wanted a black girlfriend,
not as joke, just 'cause like,
then when we 69, I can call it "yin yanging."
Guys, see...
Easy, look, it's 21st-century racism.
It's racism in light of itself.
The only reason I'm making these claims is because the stigmas
about race are already there and I'm just playing off that.
'Cause I think racism itself is so ridiculous,
and they understand that, so if after the show,
you see a black guy beating me up,
he's doing it ironically.
Okay?
I'll sleep with you!
We all will!
Ya done?
Of course all the women that said that were in the dark.
I, um...
No, I bet you're gorgeous in the dark.
Um...
Okay.
Yeah!
Yeah.
What the fuck?
Let US pray.
Don't feel like you can't participate,
by the way, if you're not Christian,
'cause this is a prayer for all faiths, so...
Dear Jesus of nazareth...
First of all, I'd like to thank you
for calling yourself Jesus of nazareth.
It's sort of like the lord of the rings or something.
"I am Jesus of nazareth, son of orflek, the butcher."
We know, lord, that you so loved the world from John 3:16,
you so loved the world that you sent your only son
to die for US, your only son, but at the same time,
we're all your children, so in your eyes,
we're a bunch of girls.
So help US as we struggle
with the temptations of lesbianism, amen.
I, uh...
People come to me all the time... All the time,
they say the same thing, you know,
"Bo, you're an artist. How do we fix Africa?"
I read recently that there are over 22 million people
living with HIV aids in Sub-Saharan Africa.
Yeah. It was a snapple fact.
How do we fix it? How do we fix it?
This.
Because laughter...
Laughter is the best medicine,
you know, besides medicine.
You guys like impressions?
Why?
That was socrates.
We've done a lot of laughing... Lot of laughing.
Great for a comedy show. Hey, break the fourth wall.
Ma'am. Fifth wall... ma'am at home.
We've done a lot of... We've done a lot of laughing.
But we haven't done a lot of thinking.
And I'd like to do that now, and what better
to stop comic inertia than a little bit of poetic friction?
I've written some haikus.
Haikus are Japanese poems consisting of 17 syllables,
3 lines, 5, 7, 5.
I find them to have a certain clearness in their cogency,
sort of a soundness in their simplicity, if you will.
So what we'll do now hopefully is read these haikus,
think for a little bit, and then we'll go back
to the jokes and the laughing
and we'll have benefited from the time we took to think.
So if could just, you know,
put up with these, think for a bit, hopefully,
and then we'll go back to the jokes,
but these are my haikus.
I saw a rainbow on the day my grandma died.
Fucking lesbian.
For 15 cents a day, you can feed an African.
They eat pennies.
Old people's skin sags
because it is being pulled towards the underworld.
Missed that.
A kid insulted my mother so I said,
"your mama is so black!"
"Do unto others as you would have them do to you."
Said the rapist.
My aunt used to say, "slow and steady wins the race."
She died in a fire.
Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
or masturbate in the daytime.
It's true.
Even if he is your friend,
never, ever call an Asian person.
And finally...
Bono, if you wanna help poor people,
sell your tinted shades, you cunt.
Thank you, this next piece...
This next piece is called "sonnet 155"
or "if Shakespeare had written a porn."
And it goes like this.
I saw the morning dew betwixt thine thighs
as I removed my source of grecian power.
As if king midas dared to touch the skies,
upon thy body fell a golden shower.
Thy body's temple's two church bells had rung.
Upon thy chest, a roll of pearls bestowed.
The sun had set, thy set with weary hung.
I thought, how black a night, and blew a load.
I said what light through yonder beaver breaks?
It is the yeast.
And now my belly's yellow.
My pole gives cause to storms and earthy quakes,
but 'tis not massive, I am no othello.
And when that final moment came to pass,
like Christ, I came a-riding on an ass.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, William Shakespeare...
William Shakespeare was a verbal contortionist.
He can bend his words
the way a contortionist bends his frame,
and I would hope that he could
with a name like William Shakespeare.
William Shakespeare... Some of you seem lost.
Look, say your name was Robert frost,
and you couldn't write, that would suck.
Well, I guess you could always go as Bobby frost
and own an ice cream truck.
He was balanced like a simile and could stack metaphor five,
six at a time and rhyme
into the very last line of a soliloquy
which finally said outright what the previous 77
we're only hinting at.
He had puns and quips and tons of trips
with sons with ships,
with nuns with hips and buns and lips,
but I have something that Shakespeare never had.
Penicillin.
See, it hadn't been invented yet.
Back then, they only had quillicillin, hey-oh!
Sorry, it's not that hard, bard.
I'm sorry, I got a bone to pick with you, William.
So if you could just listen up here
and listen to this theater queer's theater query here
and maybe act like a real artist for once in your life.
Say Van gogh and, "lend me your ear."
You're not a writer.
You're a writer like hulk hogan's a street fighter.
You write these dramas, you accumulate your wealth,
you hold nature as t'were mirror of yourself.
Just 'cause you're messed up doesn't mean we are, too.
Just 'cause you wanna bang your mom
doesn't mean that Danish princes do.
What? Who? Hamlet, Shakespeare. Yeah, that's right.
The young prince whose father died
at the hands of his uncle with whom his mother lied.
Sound familiar? It's the fucking "lion king"!
You stole from a Disney movie, you androgynous douche.
What's next, the story of a French king
on a quest to find his lost son Nemo?
Oh, and by the way, poetic talent is really easy to fake
when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.
"To be or not to be?" That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
and by opposing end them, to die...
To sleep no more, and by a sleep,
to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks
that flesh is heir to.
'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
To die, to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream.
Aye, there's the rub, for in that sleep of death,
what dreams may come
when we have shuffled off this mortal coil?
Must give US pause.
Like, what?
This next song is about quantum mechanics.
This next song...
I was raised very well, you know, like a field of corn.
I was also raised very Christian,
like the children of the corn.
And christians get angry at me, they do,
because I say things like,
"why the long nose, pope-nocchio?"
They think I'll gonna go to hell.
Truth is, I've been to Christian hell,
and I wrote a song about it.
I was surrounded by catholicism at a young age
and I was also in a garage band for 20 minutes.
This is the product of that. Hit it.
He was messin' around.
He's... he... Jesus is sort of like...
But my dog just had leg surgery.
If you could fix that first?
Jesus?
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger,
and I also wanted to be a comedian,
but only one of those sort of worked out.
I'd like to try to do both, though now
in a bit that I call "theoretical dick jokes."
Goes like this.
My penis is so small I often have trouble finding it
because it's so gratefully influenced by
quantum mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space-time.
And when I'm having intercourse with a woman,
she can only know where my penis is or how fast it's moving
'cause it's small enough and light enough to be fully
governed by the Heisenberg uncertainty principle.
I've got an eating disorder.
Yeah, more like nutritional entropy.
So...
Never said I was funny, okay? So stop staring at me.
Segues are weird.
How old is too old to stop believing in, like,
the tooth fairy, like, 12?
I have a cousin who is 18, yeah.
Still believes in gay marriage.
It's like...
I know what you guys are thinking...
"oh, Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects.
You know, "is there anything off-limits,
"anything you don't find funny,
anything you think is too sacred to laugh at?"
And the truth is, there is.
White people.
I think we've been through enough.
I find numbers to be fascinating
and more specifically than numbers, I find statistics
to be particularly enlightening, thought-provoking even.
I've gathered some here. These are all 100% true.
When you leave this theater and enter the world devoid of art,
you can check these, and they will come back
'cause they are true.
I don't want them to blow your mind,
but maybe you'll hear one of these and go,
"oh, my god, never thought of that."
So these are my statistics.
Approximately 33.33%
of the Jonas brothers have diabetes.
One out of every four kids with the initials a.D.D.
Actually has it, and four out of four kids
with the initials a.D.H.D. Have an annoying,
self-righteous mother who wouldn't just shut the fuck up
and take her husband's last name.
Here's a fun one.
One of the every 44 u.S. Presidents can dunk.
It's Millard Fillmore, you racists.
The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes.
It's a fact!
I'm not making light of it. It's numbers.
All right, you guys are offended by that one,
you're definitely gonna be offended by the next one.
But you have to understand something...
I am, too.
I think this is fucked up.
.27% of all jenga games are played on 9/11.
Now...
It's fucked up! Stop playing jenga on 9/11.
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop playing jenga...
That was awkward.
This next one blew my mind. Blew my mind.
And you're not gonna believe this when you hear it.
But go home, check it. I swear to god it's true.
The average person...
Has one fallopian tube.
The average penis length is 51/2 inches.
And finally, the average penis length of a man
who googles "average penis length" is 31/2 inches.
Thank you.
Yeah, Bo!
Yeah.
Thank you.
I went to the movies the other day because I went to see
the 20th anniversary of "schindler's list" in 3-d.
And I went into the girls' bathroom to look for my camera.
And I saw a container that said "sanitary napkins only."
Ladies...
Don't put all your eggs in one basket!
That's a joke!
This song...
This song isn't funny at all, but it helps me sleep at night.
Old comics... Older comics from, like,
the '80s and the '70s, they think that my act is hacky
because it relies on music and other things,
and they're such comedy purists,
and they don't think my comedy can stand on its own,
which isn't true because, right,
I am a comedy purist at heart,
and I can do comedy without the gimmicks.
And it can still be good. I'll show you that right now.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch?
Names.
I'm not a traditional stand-up, um, but I'd like to be.
I love traditional stand-up comedy,
and a lot of my heroes are traditional stand-up comics,
and I've been watching a lot of it,
and I think I've sort of figured out the trick to it.
So I'll give you my traditional stand-up act now.
It's in its infancy so please be gentle.
Uh...
My wife, right?
We never have sex, like, ever, which is funny.
Something else is I never know what she's saying.
You know, she'll say something, and I'll be, like...
Something else is, she's, like, constantly emasculating me,
and I'm making her resent herself for getting older,
so we're looking into a divorce, which is funny.
Something else is she can't drive.
The only thing she can drive is drive me crazy!
You know, when she back-talks, I hit her.
I hope you all enjoyed the show.
Thank you so much for coming, and if you didn't, you know...
When life gets you down...
Make a comforter.
I feel like hip-hop...
Used to be a voice for the voiceless, you know?
And now it's become, at least in the mainstream,
a symbol of misogyny...
Gay panic...
Fiscal irresponsibility, you know?
So I figure...
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Like to break it down for y'all.
I came from the streets with nothing.
Now I'm making hit records.
For my people still living in the streets,
still living in poverty,
I wanna tell you, I'm doing this for you.
My success...
Is your success.
And you may be thinking, "hey, if you really believe that,
"why don't you use some of your money
"to help rebuild the neighborhood
instead of putting spinning rims on a gold jetski?"
And to that I say...
Uh-oh, chorus is coming up.
Oh...
Okay.
Yeah.
I'm bad at sex. Get it?
Yeah, what?
Yeah, that's sad.
If you want to take it all wear African neck rings.
'Cause, like, man.
Spells "semen."
This song's gonna end really awkwardly.
Thank you. I'll do one...
Thank you guys so much for coming.
I hope you have a great night, and you're the best.
See you, Boston! Whoa, Boston!
Red Sox.
Go, mo Vaughn.
Is he here?
I wrote it before! I'm fine.
Nobody to read her fucking diary.
Yeah, hominid tree.