Tonight is the fucking night, okay?
We've looked like shit for years, and we are developing.
I would say I'm actually mostly developed.
We're finally hot. At least, according to me.
We're getting out there.
We're getting in the cooch, my girl.
We are getting in the puss and we're gettin' wet.
Man, speak for yourself.
Nobody's gonna wanna fuck me this year,
just like nobody wanted to fuck me last year or the year before.
Okay, well, I'm gonna talk to Brittany.
I think that it's time.
Oh, really? It's time?
There wasn't time in the last 11 years
we've all been going to school together?
I've been building tension.
You know, you could say hi to Isabel.
Yeah, okay.
And just what would I say?
Like, "Hey, girl, what's up? How's your boyfriend?
How's his penis?
Still awesome and big and throbbing and, uh, like a male penis?"
They could have broken up, you never know.
The fair is like a completely fresh start.
I'm not doin' that with Isabel, you know what I mean?
Like, I'm... I'm... I'm playin' the long game with her, okay?
- Mmm. - Here's how it's gonna shake out.
I don't speak to the bitch for years.
Bam! It's the 20th high school reunion.
I show up, I'm in a little suit
like the lesbian I am, you know what I mean?
It's probably white, okay?
She looks at me, I look back at her.
What the fuck happened to her?
She's washed up.
I mean Jeff has run her ragged.
That's when my ass swoops in, okay?
That made me so sad. What? Okay.
Josie, tick-tock.
We're not gonna be sexy little high schoolers forever.
Soon we're gonna be old hags in college.
Do you wanna be the only girl virgin at Sarah Lawrence?
Yeah, honestly, maybe.
I might have a good shot that way.
I don't need this negative, really sad attitude. Please.
What the fuck are you wearing?
It's really not too late to turn around, you know?
I think you wanna be here.
Who said that?
- Where'd you get that idea? - I'm just feeling...
You're getting nervous because of how excited you are.
- No. No, no. - Yeah, yeah.
Oh, and we're crossing. And we're getting in there.
No, I can't, I'm sorry. Ahhh! Fuck, my arm!
There's nothing wrong with your arm.
You have Munchausen's.
Look, just follow my lead.
- Hello, ladies. - Oh.
Oh. You know what?
- Just keep going. - How was your summer?
- Good to see you. - Okay, you know what?
Uh, it's not gonna happen, okay?
This school has such a gay problem.
Okay, no. No one hates us for being gay.
Everyone hates us for being gay, untalented, and ugly.
Like, look at Matthieu.
Rock on, man. Killin' it.
I love what you're doing with the school play.
Thanks, bitch.
- Fuck! - Yeah.
Knocks it out of the park, every year.
- Every show. - Yeah.
Ooh. Popcorn.
Don't mind if I do.
- Hey, guys. - Hi, Hazel.
Oh, hey, Hazel. How was your summer?
Were you with your uncle at the slop farm?
If you mean volunteering at the National Meat Association,
yeah, it was good.
What are you guys doing here?
You guys never come to the fair.
What happened to your arm?
Oh, my God, she ate shit is what happened.
She ate literal shit? What the fuck?
- Mmm. - Or did you get beat up again?
No, I just tripped and I—
Or were you jumped? Was it spy camp?
Did you go to juvie?
- Yeah, we went to juvie. - Ladies and gentlemen...
- Oh, my God, it was juvie? - ... it's time to get ready,
get wild, and get horny for our very own Vikings!
Oh, my God, what did you do?
- And the man who will lead us to victory
against the evil, maniacal,
shit-eating Huntington Ferrets,
let's hear it for Jeff!
Jeff! Have my babies!
Jeff, fill me with your seed!
I just don't get why girls like guys like that.
It's like they're like dogs, or pigs, or is there a...
What's the grossest animal?
Jeff, come sign my tits!
Eat my pussy!
That's right.
Oh, fuck. Uh, Hazel.
Gimme that. Josie, take this. Take this.
- Take this. - No.
Really quick. This is the moment.
Stop yelling at me!
Could you give that back really quickly?
- Hey, Brittany. - PJ.
I am loving all the...
holes in your pants.
Thanks.
You look like a little Dutch boy.
Thank you.
So, Britt... Can I call you Britt?
I prefer if you just called me my name.
- Britt-a-nay. Um, but... - No, not that.
Brittany.
Are you thinking of riding the Ferris wheel at all tonight?
I wasn't. I'm going on the puke and duke.
I need to pull trig.
- No, you don't. - Yeah, I do.
I'm gonna say something crazy.
I think you could eat food,
digest it, let it marinate, poop it out.
Mmm, gross.
Maybe this? You want a bite of this?
- Oh, no. - Yeah, this is fucking disgusting. Ugh.
You want a hot dog? We could go get hot dogs.
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, we could get the bun and the ketchup.
- No bun. No. - You gotta get the bun.
- Yes, you could. - No.
No bun. Okay.
Um, Isabel.
Josie was just saying something similar to me.
I don't think so.
I think so. It was really good.
It was super funny.
You're just so— You're skinny too, as well.
I'm Josie, by the way, good evening.
Yeah, you're skinny—
You're real skinny minnie, aren't ya?
You probably should eat.
They're gonna send you to the hospital with how skinny you are.
Uh-oh, call the doctor. Skinny girl, I see.
Okay, do you guys want any of our tickets?
Yeah, yeah. Thank you.
Fuck! Fuck!
I don't want to say it, but we're fucked.
You know what? I'm good.
'Cause it's not gonna happen for me.
If it's not happening here,
then it's definitely not happening at Emerson, okay?
I'm done trying to sow my damn oats.
- No. - I'm packing up my vagina
and I'm fucking Matthieu.
That's the only hope for me.
- No. - It's me and Matthieu, man.
And 'cause he's gay and fearless,
he's probably gonna fuck me without protection.
Then I'm gonna get pregnant.
We're going to have to join a church.
He'll be the gay pastor.
My whole life's fucked!
And yeah, sure, his sermons are good,
but everybody knows he's fruity.
Everybody knows he's fucking fruity!
By the way, our son, Hezekiah, hates us
'cause he knows we're both closeted,
but we try to make it work for him, but he's not happy.
And yeah, guess what?
The deacon's fucking the evangelist, man!
He's fucking the evangelist!
I don't wanna live like that.
Will you come and visit us on Sundays?
Please, will you come and visit us on Sundays?
- Isabel. - Leave me alone!
- Stop following me. - Wait, shut up.
- What? - Look.
- Don't touch me. - Isabel, baby.
My teeny, tiny baby girl.
Why do you always have to flirt with other women?
It doesn't count if they're not in high school.
Especially Mrs. Reilly!
- Josie, offer her a ride. - I don't think so.
Yes, come on.
Irish Catholic.
And I'm regular Christian!
- Josie, ask her. Come on. - PJ, stop.
You're hurting my head.
You're attacking me, and it's giving me a migraine.
And it's giving me PTSD
about all the other times I've had migraines.
- Just do it now. - No.
- Just go fucking ask her. - No. Isabel, would you like a safety ride?
Isabel.
- Oh, no. - Oh, my God.
Isabel...
Get out of the car.
You can't tell me what to do.
- Yeah, no, he can't. - Okay,
I'm sorry that I looked at Mrs. Reilly
and lightly grazed her left tit, all right?
Move, you prick!
Uh, excuse me, she said, "Move, prick."
Don't talk to me, you ugly bitch, okay?
I do not talk to girls in overalls.
- Hey. - Okay, I might be ugly, but these aren't overalls.
Isabel, get out of the freaking car! Get out!
Get out! Come on.
- I feel like we should just drive. - Drive.
- Let's just go.
Please. You're being really mean right now.
- He'll move. - He's not moving.
He's gonna move.
- We're about to drive. - Isabel.
- Drive. He'll move. - Just drive. Josie, go.
- Three, two one... - Pedal to the metal. Drive!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!
Jeff?
Jeff!
- Are you... - Are you okay?
When people move cars, don't people move?
Jeffrey, I'm coming! I'm coming!
You're not alone. You're not alone.
- Back up! Back up! - We didn't even do anything.
No, come here.
- Man down! Man down! - You!
Oh, my God.
- I'm... I'm blacking out. - No, stay with me.
We should go. Let's go.
- Let's go. - Yeah. Okay.
Let's just kind of peel on out.
- Fine. - What did you do to him?
Buckle it for me. Fuck!
You fucking cowards!
You better fucking run!
I don't understand.
What the fuck?
They're not gonna get away with this!
Attention.
The library is out of use again.
Huntington shot up our remaining books,
so there will be no reading again this year. Thank you.
Oh, Brittany was just so cute last night.
Like, "No, I can't eat a hot dog.
I know I won't even digest it.
I have to throw up."
And I was, like, "You can have it."
She's like, "No, not, just...
Maybe, but not the bun."
Oh, it was just really sweet.
You had to be there.
I was there.
Are you serious?
I got "faggot number two" this time?
You're the sidekick, not me.
'Sup, Ted? How's the family?
Sick. Yeah, you know what to do.
Thanks.
Do you feel like people are looking at us? Like, more than usual?
I don't know. Did you period yourself?
Mmm... Mmm-mmm. Hey, Sylvie.
Hi.
Holy shit. Are you guys okay?
What? Yeah.
- Why wouldn't we be okay? - All right, kiddos.
Welcome back to class.
Hey! The prep club worked hard on those.
That belongs to the school.
Oh, cool. So, does your vagina.
Nice try, PJ,
but my vagina belongs to the government.
All right, check it out.
- Today I got a special lesson for all of you. - Josie, so, how'd you do it?
Do what?
Holy shit. Is he okay?
Hey, you good, man?
What the fuck?
- Yeah, okay, so... - What the fuck?
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
Okay, so, did he fight back?
No, literally, how did it go? Did he fight back?
- I hope you broke a bone. - If you need a shoulder
or anything, just let me know...
I heard you did something to him, I just don't know what.
and I'll totally let you lean on me.
No, but like honestly, how did you do it?
Oh, my God. Annie, they went to juvie.
That's how, okay?
Hey. Hey. Hey, you.
Overall bitch.
This is you.
God damn it, Jeff.
What the fuck?
Hey, you couldn't make that analogy with your fists?
Hello, this is Principal Meyers
with an important Huntington update.
So, listen to this girl.
Last night, outside the fair,
a Huntington player followed me home,
pinned me against my car and punched me in the face.
And now my face is totally fucked.
Fuck.
We haven't faced the violence of Huntington for 20 years.
They think they can get in our heads
by picking on our weak and defenseless.
Well, we can't let them break our spirit, folks.
Keep your heads in the game.
They're gonna pork us!
- We're fucked! - I'm screwed.
Hey. Hey, calm down just a little bit.
Oh, great. More violence.
Just what this school needs.
Seriously, that's... that's it?
- That's class? - Latte.
Get my shit.
Solid class.
Hey.
Josie, right?
I heard you, like, beat up my boyfriend last night?
Um, weren't you there?
I heard you guys ate literal shit
- and killed girls in juvie. - Really?
Um, what did you think about that?
Excuse me.
Could the ugly, untalented gays
please report to the principal's office?
Guess that's you guys.
Hello, Principal Meyers. First of all, I want to say, God bless—
Shut up. You know why you're here.
I don't, actually...
For committing a crime against Jeff.
Our quarterback and the most good-looking,
all-American, red-blooded, muscular man this town has ever seen.
Sir, please, look in the mirror.
- Shush. - Okay.
The homecoming game with Huntington is nearly a month away.
Do you know how long we've been working toward this?
- Yes. - Yes. It's everywhere.
- Twenty years. - Couldn't be clearer.
I think I can explain.
I can explain.
Jeff is psychotic, and he tried to murder us.
Ha! Sure.
You're all victims, and girls are always right. Right?
Yeah, actually.
How come you can't buck up
and learn to protect yourselves without running somebody over?
Maybe it's because we're small and he's giant.
So, we needed to use a little machinery.
Did you ever think of that, sir?
- Can we just explain ourselves? - Maybe I should buy a gun.
Okay. What? What? Don't buy a gun. Nobody said buy a gun.
- Can we just calm down, everybody. - Zip it.
- You know what? - What?
- I'm gonna expel you both. - No!
- No! No! - Yes! Yes!
You have to understand that this was a misunderstanding.
- Really? - We were just practicing...
for...
for our self-defense club.
Self-defense— What is that?
- Uh... - Is it like a fight club?
- Well, here's the thing— - Yes! Yes!
- Uh... - Yes! Yes!
A fight club.
Where we fuckin' beat each other up and shit.
- No, we don't. - Yes.
No, we don't. Shut up.
Okay, you know what? I don't care. Fuck it!
- I don't care. - You're over it, okay.
Yeah. You can beat the shit out of each other
while you perform The Vagina Monologues.
Just stay in your lane until you're munching beaver at Wesleyan.
Yes, sir.
I can't believe they're letting you guys start a fight club.
No, they're... they're not. We are not.
What are you talking about? We're gonna do it.
We're doing it.
PJ, I wasn't being serious.
Josie, did you see the way that Isabel and Brittany were looking at us?
- Also, you heard the announcements.
Girls are terrified.
It's perfect. They need this.
Okay, no. They need, like, mace, maybe.
We can't do that, okay? We'd be misleading them.
Guys do that all the time, okay?
That's the point of feminism.
That's not the point of feminism.
You also don't care about feminism.
Your favorite show is Entourage.
You're missing the point!
I don't really think I am. We don't know how to fight.
You guys probably fought girls in juvie.
No, we were lying about that, obviously.
About juvie?
- Yeah, I mean, what? - Why would you lie to me?
You were the one who said we went to juvie.
I just didn't correct you.
Listen, self-defense is instinctual common sense.
You try to punch me in the face, I stop it from happening.
Whatever. I don't care. It's easy.
Look, this is how we do this.
Okay, we start with Taekwondo.
Which I've got covered.
And then you guys can move on to air punches.
Hub-bub-bub-bub.
Who do we know? Who do we know?
I'll bring Stella-Rebecca.
You know Stella-Rebecca?
Stella-Rebecca who models at car conventions
- in Chicago on the weekends? - Yeah, we're family friends.
Okay, great. Well, then bring her.
- Josie. - What?
- We're doing this. - No.
Yeah. Listen to me.
We teach a bunch of girls how to defend themselves
against the evil, Huntington killers.
They are grateful to us.
We build a community, we bond,
we share, we connect.
We're punching each other, adrenaline is flowing.
Next thing you know,
Isabel and Brittany are kissing us on the mouths.
- Jeffrey! - Josie...
Isabel knew your name.
- Back from the dead. - If we do this...
- Mmm-hmm. - Very big "if,"
we just run the risk of becoming
even bigger losers than we already are right now.
And I hate to break it to you, but we're pretty big losers.
And that is the beauty. That is the beauty of this.
Because we are literally at the bottom.
We're the lowest of the low.
- Okay. - We have nowhere to go but up.
Listen, I think this is a good idea, okay?
There's a serious lack of female solidarity at this school.
Not the point, Hazel. Not the point.
Yeah, I mean, we just felt like
there's a serious lack of female solidarity at this school.
Anyways, totally come by. See you later.
What's your plan here?
I don't need a plan.
My mom has a business. All we have to do is yell.
Okay.
What's up, lads?
What the fuck?
- These girls are ugly. - Okay.
Where is Stella?
She was booked for a car convention.
What? It's a Monday.
Um, maybe we should go
before someone cool shows up?
Before I die? Pick one.
Hey, Hazel. Thanks for the invite.
I love David Fincher.
- Oh, my God. Well... - See?
I guess Sylvie's cute if she lost her braces
and stopped huffing paint.
She'll never stop huffing paint.
So, I thought we'd start...
Um...
- Okay. - Sorry.
All right.
Listen up, you cunt-sucking pieces of shit.
Welcome to our fucking fight club.
Um, it's a self-defense club.
It's not really, "Fight."
So, as we know, Huntington is on the prowl,
and they're picking on the weak
and defenseless, meaning all of you.
So, we're gonna teach you how to not take shit.
We're gonna start with dropkicks,
tackling, little bit of knife play.
Then, punch-bucket,
which is when we throw you in a bucket
and we punch you until you bleed.
Before that, perhaps stretches, icebreakers, and trust falls.
Is that what happened to you in juvie?
- Mmm. No. No. - No.
Juvie was way crazier.
One time, this girl's punching me in the rain.
Fall to my knees. It's muddy.
I get up. I'm blind.
Punch her right in the middle of her face.
Broke her fuckin' nose.
Josie?
Care to share?
Yeah, all right.
Juvie was insane.
Once a girl tried to kill me with rat poison,
so I took her outside and I punched her till she died.
So, you killed a girl?
Uh, no.
Because the ambulance came and revived her
and we actually had a really productive conversation
when she came back to life, so...
Um, since Josie literally killed a girl—
She came back to life.
Mmm. But I remember her being dead for at least a couple minutes.
Josie is gonna start by showing you all
how to effectively throw a solid punch.
Josie, if you'll step forward.
No, I don't wanna do that.
- What's the problem? - There's no problem. I just...
No, I'm just not gonna do it.
Come on, they wanna see the punch.
- They don't wanna see it. - They wanna see. Look at them.
They wanna see the punch.
Who am I gonna punch?
Punch me. Just punch me.
- Punch you? - Yeah, come on.
I can punch you.
Yeah. I know how to take a punch.
Something people would always say,
"PJ knows how to take a punch."
Come on up.
Oh!
Oh, fuck!
Will there an advisor for this club?
Because we'll be suspended if there isn't.
Who is gonna be dumb enough to endorse a club
where we punch each other in the face?
The Holocaust. It happened.
Yes, it did.
But how? The seeds were sown in the Treaty of Versailles,
which y'all are gonna reenact while I do some little reading over here.
I mean, he's perfect.
No.
- What? - No.
Please.
Dude, we're not fucking doing this. I broke your nose.
Yeah, and I've never had so many girls look at me in my life.
Fuck! When did you show up?
Hey, guys.
I just wanted to say thank you so much for last night.
It was just so great, and I was thinking,
like, if Huntington and me were in an alleyway
and they were coming at me with, like, swords and, like, knives
and, like, guns and stuff,
and you taught me how to punch like that, then I wouldn't die.
- That's so great, Sylvie. - Okay.
But, unfortunately,
Josie doesn't want to do the club anymore.
What? Why?
I don't know.
Why? It was just so empowering.
What was empowering?
Oh, my God, hi. Um...
Just, we have a fight club. It was our fight club
for, um, female solidarity at this school, which we lack.
Isabel, let's go.
Hi, boo-boo.
I'm so strong.
I mean...
Mr. G, G-man, G-dog.
Great class today.
Hey, uh, girl.
Thanks for coming in today.
We have to come in. It's class.
Try telling Dimitri Walker that.
Little motherfucker came the first week and I ain't seen him since.
Dimitri Walker committed suicide
the first week of school, Mr. G.
Sure, he did.
Anyways, um, we were wondering if you wanted to be our club advisor.
- What kind of club is that? - It's a women's club.
We talk about women's issues.
For example,
periods,
declining egg count,
skirts...
Skirts?
But long ones. Long denim skirts.
Feminism is what she's saying. Feminism as a... as a whole.
Why don't you just ask one of the female teachers?
Mmm. Thought about that, but we hate them.
- Makes sense. - Yeah.
Listen. I'm kind of,
you know, retiling the bathroom.
- Mmm-hmm. - Uh, I gotta be at the co-op.
And I'm also dealing with some relationship drama, so...
Back to the club,
maybe this will be a great way to take your mind off of stuff.
Can I be honest? You're a man
who's not coping with what's going on.
- Yeah. - You know what?
My mom did say I need to pick up a hobby.
And here's one thing
- my mom's always said to me. - Mmm.
Sometimes, when you have a new hobby,
- don't show up. - Yeah.
It's, like, you can be our club advisor,
- but you don't even come to the dang club. - No.
By the way, great way to be an ally.
That's my favorite way to be an ally.
You just say you're doing something
and then you don't do any of those things.
You know what I mean? You say, "I support women." You don't.
Don't come. Yeah.
You know what? I'll sign off on your period club.
- Amazing. - What?
- Yeah. - Really?
- Okay. - So cool.
How many girls go to this school, again?
Oh, my God, and again, they're all sixes at best.
Hey, guys.
Mmm. Well, at least Stella-Rebecca is here.
Are you stressed? Because I'm stressed.
Hey, ladies.
Let's get it popping in this motherfucker.
All right. Um...
Hello, everybody.
Okay, excuse me.
Sorry, I feel... Sorry.
Um...
Everybody, shut the fuck up!
This isn't a little hangout, okay?
Oh, it's not a sleepover, playtime.
There are serious rules that we need to establish, 'kay?
First...
listen.
Second,
be on time.
Yeah.
Except for you. You come whenever you want.
What time is it?
- 3:30. - 3:30!
Club starts at 3:15.
Not 3:16.
Not 3:17,
but the doors close at 3:15.
No exceptions.
I don't care if you're like...
- "Oh, but I had to go to extra help for math
because I... I need to get a full ride
because my mom lives in a trailer
and she loves her boyfriend more than me."
La, la, la. Blah, blah, blah.
Shut up, okay?
My dad left me, and I'm incredibly punctual.
Um, hey, guys. Come on in.
Nice.
Uh, we're just getting started here.
So, um...
Today I think we're gonna start with some body contact.
We're gonna do wrestling.
I think I need a volunteer.
Brittany, you're close to me. You wanna...
I'm sorry. I thought we weren't allowed to be late.
- That's not true. It's about... - Oh, that's about next week.
- Yeah, next week. - So, the rules for next week.
Don't be late.
- But this week is good... - Yeah. No worries.
if you're late. Take it easy.
Okay, I'm sorry. I just want to make sure.
This is a self-defense class, right?
Where we can learn to protect ourselves
against, like, football players.
And Huntington? 'Cause, um, they're gonna pork us.
They're gonna pork us.
I thought we were fighting each other for money.
There's a cash prize, right?
I thought this was to be part of, like,
a local underprivileged female community.
My identity is completely attached to hers,
so I just kind of go wherever she goes.
Everyone's here for a good reason.
So, uh, you know, like...
- Why are we nitpicking reasons? - Yeah. How about this?
- Let's jump in. Right? - Yeah. For sure.
- Love that. - Yeah.
- I'll go. - Great. Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.
I don't know about this shit.
What the hell? You didn't even warn me.
Okay, we didn't get warnings at juvie.
- Look. - We can take it slower.
- Okay. - Maybe, yeah, try that.
Take that route. Little slower.
Look. You just use your natural instincts, just come at me.
Whatever you want, 'kay?
Oh, fuck.
Okay.
That's great. I say that we go again.
- Oh! - Ow, fuck! My back.
Oh, shit. Man, we gotta shut this down.
We don't have to shut it down. She's fine.
- Are you fine? Are you okay? - Yeah, she's okay.
- She's totally fine. - Shut this shit down.
- No, wait, Mr. G. - Shut this shit down.
No, don't blow the whistle. Don't blow the whistle.
I know that,
you know, this is a little messy right now
but, like, the only way
that we can learn how to defend ourselves is by teaching each other.
Huntington is coming.
We need this.
I know that things might seem scary,
but that's okay, because...
because...
Because you're gonna be fucking pros.
- Is what I was gonna say. Yes. - Yeah.
- Right? - Yes.
Crystal, I'm thinking of you.
You are never gonna get assaulted on your birthday again.
- Lucky number seven, okay? - Mmm-hmm.
And I... I'm gonna finally reverse-stalk my stalker.
Yeah, absolutely.
And for me,
I'll be able to kill my stepdad.
- Awesome. - Okay.
And if you believe in yourselves
and you believe in us and then you trust us,
I'm like, "Let's fucking do this!"
- Yeah! - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Yeah. Okay.
So good.
Yeah! Yes!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Yes! Yes, queen, slay!
Yes! Yes!
Slay! Yeah!
Cool.
- Yeah? - Yeah. I'm just gonna go.
Yeah, for sure.
Oh!
- Whenever you want. - I will.
Whoa!
- So, don't do that. Don't do that. - Don't do that, guys.
- That was not... Yeah. - These things you don't do.
So, it's good to learn.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, we'll just do it. What you should do.
- Yeah, yeah. For sure. - Yeah, yeah.
- Wanna go again? - Yeah, why not?
Whoa.
Good job.
- Yeah! - Damn.
Come on!
Yes!
Yeah, okay!
Nice. All right!
Oh, my God! Yes!
Keep it up, guys!
Shake it off. Shake it off. Get back up.
- Good work, guys. - Yeah!
Fight me off, PJ.
Stop smiling, I'm kicking your ass.
Hazel!
You little bitch, it's actually working.
I told you.
I know. I feel like if we keep it up,
we can actually take on Huntington, you guys.
No, if we keep it up, we can put our fingers
inside of each other. Grow up.
All right.
You know, PJ,
I feel like people are actually liking more than just
the hitting and the tackling part of the club.
Yeah, I know. We're empowering them. Duh.
No, I mean, seriously, to have a safe space like this,
it means a lot to people,
and I think that if we took some time to spend a meeting
and actually get to know these girls,
like, it would be really important,
instead of just, like, sweating on them and...
Hazel, that is a genuinely brilliant idea.
- Yeah. - I love talking about my trauma.
I literally jack off after every single
- therapy session. - What?
It just makes girls weirdly horny. It does.
- Don't say "girls." It's you. - Bonjour.
I just wanted to say
I'm loving what I'm hearing about the club.
It seems so supportive of women.
Especially the hot ones.
Yeah, well, all women are hot to me.
Listen, it's really cute and everything,
but we're getting a little close to the game now and, um...
I'm just a bit concerned
it might be taking away attention from our team.
I think that's, like, literally impossible to do.
Okay.
So, we know that the club has been a place
where we can feel empowered physically,
but we also thought it could be
a safe space and a place where we can open up
and talk about our feelings.
Okay, so who's been raped?
Just, you know, raise your hand.
Gray area stuff counts too.
Everybody knows the situation with my stepdad.
He's just obsessed with Friday movie nights.
I mean, God, I get it, you're my new stepdad, but...
fuck, whatever.
You know?
Every time I call the police about my stalker,
they tell me to fill out an online form.
And then the form tells me to call,
so I call and then they say they can't get involved until he tries to kill me.
And he keeps saying he's going to...
but that doesn't count.
So, it's just, like, annoying.
Been there.
We've all been there.
Well, I've been assaulted, like, a million times,
but I'm more annoyed
that everyone knows me for being beautiful and popular
and no one knows that I'm actually smart and super driven.
Like, I literally own a jewelry business and no one talks about it!
See?
Well, ever since my parents' divorce,
my mom has been doing this, like, midlife crisis.
I don't know how that's really sitting with me, you know?
It's been really, really dark.
This has just been really meaningful to me to, like,
get to know some new people who actually want to, like, get to know me.
- I want to bring it back to Brittany for one second. - I can go next,
if that's okay.
I don't really like talking about juvie
and everything that happened this summer, um...
You know, obviously, we get a lot of props or whatever
'cause people think it's so badass.
But, really wasn't.
I mean, unless you consider getting hazed horrifically every single night,
like, badass. I mean, um,
obviously, you know, we had to survive the Tributes
and, you know, I did have to, like,
fight people basically every single night.
People were betting on us and we were given, like,
shivs and rusty pocket knives and splintered wood
and, um, pipes as well.
And, um, we had to just, like, fight people, sometimes to the death.
Um, and I still hear their screams at night,
um, and that guilt probably will, like, always shackle me forever.
I realize now, I don't have to be that person anymore.
Like, I don't have to just let things
happen to me 'cause of you guys.
And, um, I am, like, really grateful
for what the club has become and...
Um...
Just especially, you know, from where we started and, uh...
Yeah, sorry.
I feel like I kinda killed the vibe.
I've never really,
I guess, said that to anyone before. Sorry.
People wanna, like, wrap up maybe or...
I'm going through a divorce.
Whoo! That shit felt good to say.
Ooh, I'll tell y'all,
men... men need therapy.
Yeah.
I think that's a good place to maybe wrap up.
- Hey. - Hey.
Um...
Thank you, um, for that.
Um...
I don't know what you're doing tomorrow,
but I was going to study for Mr. G's women murdered in history test,
if you wanna...
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, sure.
Mom?
Oh, hi, honey.
What are you doing home so early?
Uh...
Are you kidding me?
I had a long day.
Mrs. Callahan, can I have a snack?
First club fundraiser.
I'm so excited. Great turnout, right?
Hello, ladies.
Hi, Bill, Bob, Fred...
I don't know why anyone wants my old, dirty underwear.
It's so weird.
Hey, Britt, uh, don't let 'em touch in between your toes.
Thanks, PJ.
Ah. We're havin' fun.
We're selling panties.
You know, Brittany said she'd make me a custom bracelet.
Very nice.
Do you wanna, um, celebrate?
We could get some chicken on a stick tonight.
Um, I can't. Uh...
Isabel and I have plans, so...
You're hanging out with Isabel?
Yep.
Fuck, you're fast. Oh, my God, okay.
I have to keep up.
Hazel, what is wrong?
Are you constipated or something?
I'm fucking tired.
My mom was up all night fucking the meathead.
What meathead? Hi. Underwear, cars.
- Thanks. - You know, like, the guy.
He's like the crybaby.
With the balls?
He catches them and he... he throws them?
He's like the main guy.
Jeff?
Is your mom hooking up with Jeff?
I just thought Jeff might be her safe word.
Jeff is his name, you idiot.
Just get the hot people confused, Jesus.
I'm good.
Looking good, Stella!
Are you gonna tell her?
Yeah, they said they were in juvie this summer.
Okay, are you sure they're not in the system?
But isn't every kid from Rockbridge Falls sent there?
Hit me! Ow!
Okay, yeah, Essex County. Any others?
Got it. Thank you.
Jeff!
No, yeah, but I thought she was maybe dead.
- Not good. - That's not the best.
- No. No, not great. - That's not a great thing.
I wanted to...
I wanted to tell you that, um, I'm...
I'm very glad that I joined the club.
Me too.
I think it's really impressive
that you and PJ went through everything that you did
and now have decided to help the rest of us.
I mean even that story you told the other day.
You're really, really brave.
No.
No. No, no.
Yes. I mean you almost killed a girl.
You're...
Yeah, you're...
really, really brave.
What?
Actually, Isabel, uh...
- There's, um... - Yeah?
There's something you maybe should know.
Uh...
I mean it's pretty insane.
Okay. What... what is it?
I just, I...
I heard Jeff is cheating on you.
Wait...
Wait, what?
I... I... Sorry, I think I... I heard...
Um, what? Um... Who... who told you that?
Hazel told me that, uh, he and Mrs. Callahan
are at it, pretty much, like, every night,
like, constantly.
I mean, just at it with each other, which is pretty fucked up.
Um, even though I guess it's, technically, it's legal,
it's still just pretty nasty, uh...
Oh.
Thanks.
Jeff so hungy. Hungy hungy, hungy.
Jeff so hungy.
Swoosh!
What the fuck is this?
Is there pineapple in this?
We talked about this, Janice.
Jeffrey's allergic to pineapple.
Eat a bag of dicks.
Well, I wasn't going to do it, but this is the last straw.
How was last night?
Uh, bad, probably, I would say.
Wait, really?
She's walking really fast.
She usually walks a lot slower.
Hi.
Are you having sex with Mrs. Callahan?
Baby, you look so beautiful.
Like, so fucking hot. How... how are you?
Bad. Are you having sex with her?
I'm... I'm...
helping her with her taxes.
Aren't you in eighth grade algebra?
I can't answer that question
because I... I don't know how to read.
She's asking you to your face!
Fuck, that usually works.
Are you cheating on me again?
Baby, no! No!
No, why would... why would I do—
That was one time with your sister, just once,
two, four times.
No, I would never cheat on you again, okay?
I promise you I am not sleeping with her.
I literally saw you yesterday.
Shut up, nerd! I fucked your mom!
Mmm. Mmm.
Wait.
- Yeah, we're done. - Isabel...
I'm getting revenge.
I'm gonna fuck up some football players. And I'm buyin' a gun.
Hell yeah. I'll get my stepdad's.
What about, like, egging?
Yeah, so we can make 'em not refrigerated and smelly?
Ooh, we could cook 'em and be like...
- "You're cooked." - Yes. Yeah.
Or what about, like, a bomb?
Like a... like a super small bomb.
I mean, they're super easy to make,
and I can just put it under his car,
and it can be a distraction.
Yeah, Hazel, let's do terrorism.
Fuck you.
Sylvie, you can't just throw it.
You have to fucking jump with it.
- I'm trying. - Okay, watch me. Just...
Damn, we're, uh... We're really gonna scare them off.
Nice! Nice!
I think I'mma help Isabel keep watch, so...
Okay, well, don't get distracted,
'cause we could be fined, like, $2 for this, so...
Thought you might want some company.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
It's nice everybody's here, like...
vandalizing...
Jeff's house.
It is nice.
I, uh...
Like, how are you doing?
I mean, I think it's for the best.
But I did kind of miss when he would touch my hair
and go, like,
"Shiny, shiny, shiny." You know?
I wanted to tell you this before, but...
I really appreciated you fighting
and speaking loudly at my boyfriend.
I really value
when people use violence and raise their voices for me.
It's actually one of my love languages.
- Is the other one gifts? - The other one is gifts.
Um, I know
everything is, like, really fucked up and...
you still probably miss Jeff, which I get,
but I just think
you deserve way better, Isabel.
'Kay, guys.
Let's make sure we return or donate these, okay?
Does anybody know where the fuck Hazel is?
Like, 15 minutes?
Oh, fuck. Fuck! Fuck!
Okay. Um...
It's gonna blow!
Oh, wow, yeah, it's gonna blow, guys.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Holy shit.
Oh, fuck, there's no door!
- Annie, Annie, back up! - -I'm going, I'm going!
Stop fucking yelling at me!
- I'm going! - Fuck.
Oh, fuck!
Can you listen to me for, like, once...
Ted! Ted-ay! Theodore!
You're awesome! - No, you're awesome.
Great. What are we supposed to do now?
Relax. No one knows it's us.
Hey, guys.
Great show last night.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, you don't. No, it's really all good.
Jeffrey needed a new car, anyway, so...
don't worry about it.
What's wrong, Josie?
You seem a little off.
Your club is over.
You understand?
Good.
All right, well, some of us clearly
have a different definition of egging,
but if we keep our mouths shut, stay calm, we'll be fine.
They're gonna shut us down, aren't they?
What?
No. We don't know that.
- What— Why— - Principal Meyers will believe
whatever Jeff and Tim say.
I don't really see how we recover from this.
Man...
Fuck.
You know, it's been real, guys.
Okay, let's not jump to conclusions
with the goodbyes and...
I'm gonna miss you guys so much.
And like, at least we went out with a bang.
I mean, that was fucking insane!
There was just, like, fire everywhere.
Wait. Stop.
We don't— Wait, no, we don't know that for sure.
PJ, don't be sad it's over. Be happy it happened.
All right, can everyone calm the fuck down, please?
The club is not over, Josie, right?
No matter what,
this club has brought me so much.
I feel...
so much more powerful and, um...
protected.
Me too.
- Great. - Oh, my God, PJ.
Okay, I'm sorry that you didn't get
what you wanted out of this group,
but I think the rest of us did.
Oh. Good for fucking you, Hazel.
I'm glad that you finally wrote one email.
- Accomplished a lot. - I actually did.
I practically ran this club for you and Josie.
Hey, let's calm down, maybe.
You really think that you're the reason that we have this club?
The reason? No.
But I can tell everyone that if you want.
Hazel. Uh, hey, let's calm down, right?
You're really ungrateful.
You're so lucky that we even let you be a part of this.
PJ, you're a liar.
Yeah, well, you have no friends,
and a skank as a mom, so...
Hazel.
PJ...
This doesn't mean it wasn't worth it.
Hazel.
Whoa.
I love God.
Yes, same.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, I always wanted one of these.
But my mom says they hide your figure and make you look ugly.
Um, you can borrow it if you want.
Like, as a joke or...
whatever.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Wow, you and PJ
really have been friends forever.
Oh, I mean, since the first grade, so...
We had the same babysitter, Rhodes.
PJ called her Gay Yoda, but I think she's kind of like a mentor.
Yeah, but you guys, like, could not be more different.
She's so, like...
like...
You know?
- Yeah. - And you're...
You're so, like...
- You know what I mean? - No, yeah, I know.
Josie...
I'm tryna help your jewelry business grow.
- Really? - Yeah.
I don't know if I can hire you because you're like a convict.
Wow.
This is, um, a total shithole.
Kind of a mess. Sorry.
Well, I hear that if you hire a convict,
they give you a tax break.
I fucking hate Mr. G.
Everything he says is so pathetic.
Oh, yeah. I mean,
I feel like he, like, jerks off to a poster
of the 1999 Rockbridge team every single night, so...
Literally the peak of his existence.
Like, what is the point of this assignment?
Who is bell hooks and why do we care?
Oh, sorry, I'm just trying to, like, study over here.
Watch out.
What?
Uh, nothing, I'm just...
I'm just concerned 'cause I'm, like...
Your wrists are so small, and the pen is so heavy that I'm like,
- "Is she getting exhausted?" - Mmm.
I'm surprised you can even see what you're doing
with all the surface area
that yours are taking up.
Wow.
Must be a struggle for you to write.
Okay, does this hurt?
Actually, yeah, that does hurt my tiny, delicate wrists.
Yeah, that was the lightest tap of all time.
- Can you feel that? - Can't even feel that.
- Can't feel anything. - Just like muscles in there.
Um...
Uh...
PJ, I'm... I'm straight.
Oh.
Um...
Yeah. Um...
- I'm... I'm sorry if you misread anything. - No, that's all...
It's all good. I shouldn't have assumed anything.
Um...
I wanted to tell you something.
What?
Like, something that happened last night.
What happened?
With Isabel.
Wait.
Wait, seriously?
That's... that's amazing. That's...
Everybody,
- even the fucking losers... - Even the fucking losers!
make some noise!
I thought you were super Christian.
I know. I just like getting caught up in the festivities.
All right, uh, so we're gonna do the pep rally.
First up, cheerleaders.
Football!
Whoo! Yeah, thank you, ladies. Ooh!
Thank you all for joining us here today, folks.
There's been some
exciting stuff happening at Rockbridge Falls recently.
Oh.
How many of you
know about that little girl fight club that could?
Ay, there go my girls.
Well, do we have a surprise for you.
We're gonna bring... Where is she?
Hazel down.
One of the founding members.
To show us everything the club's taught her
in a fun little challenge.
- Let's go, Hazel! - Go, Hazel!
- What is this? - I... I don't know.
Hazel will be fighting Tucker,
the school's number one boxer.
Wait, I thought I was gonna be fighting PJ?
I know what you're thinking, but don't be alarmed.
Girls can do anything guys can do, right?
Yeah, kick his ass!
Ready?
- Fuck. - Go.
Oh, my God.
- You got this, Hazel. - Come on, Hazel!
You got it.
Shit.
Whoo! Get him!
- The fuck are you doing? - Is she, like,
sort of winning or...
No, leave the skin on his face, will you?
Fuck.
Oh. Oh, my God.
I know what you're thinking.
You may be wondering how a girl under the training of...
of two juvie convicted killers
can't even stand up for herself against a regular old guy.
Well, truth is, they...
they didn't go to juvie.
No.
There's no record of them there.
And according to Hazel...
they never fought anyone at all.
And you know what else?
They didn't start the club to empower women.
They did it to fuck cheerleaders.
What is wrong with you?
It is such a shame.
We were really rooting for you girls.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
Okay.
- Thank you for attending... - Hazel!
- ... today's pep rally. Go Vikings! Fuck Huntington! - Is she okay?
- Hazel! - Whoo!
- Yes! - Yes!
Is that true?
That's why you started this?
No, no, no.
Not... not entirely.
Not entire— Okay.
Listen guys. It doesn't matter...
the reason that we started this, right? Like...
The point of the club
is that we all learn from each other, right?
And... and we had a great time doing it and...
I thought this club was for sisterhood,
but it was for your own selfish interests?
This is the second wave all over again.
Isabel, please, please, wait.
PJ made me do this. I didn't want to.
I would never want to do this.
You're pathetic, Josie.
Mr. G, we're really sorry, we...
All right, look.
You know what? I'm not a fuckin' idiot.
I just look like this.
I wasn't doin' this shit as a distraction.
I actually was doin' this shit 'cause I actually liked y'all group
and what y'all stood for.
- Wait, we can explain. - I trusted you two
and y'all exploited my solidarity.
I played the role of an amazin' ally.
Is this about the time I said
Amelia Earhart was a fake hero?
Because it's true.
Many a guy fly planes without crashing,
but you never hear about them.
And then it's like,
"Oh, it's so hard to be a girl."
"We, like, make less money."
"We had to lose our last names."
"I love you."
"I want to be with you for the rest of our lives."
"Oh, I love the mint green backsplash in the kitchen."
And all of a sudden,
you leave me for a motherfucker named Tony
and suddenly, the fucking kitchen is lime green.
I think...
Yeah, I think that moved away from us.
Oh, you look confused, like how I'm confused right now,
on how you created a fucking fight club to get some cooch.
And for what? Y'all ain't even know how to work that thing.
And I know y'all ain't tickling the pearl,
you know what I'm talking about?
You know what I mean? Caressing the back
of that neck and all type of—
Sorry, I just don't know if you're supposed to be talking to us like that.
Just, like, as a teacher...
Man, I knew women were evil.
Motherfuckers always tellin' me like, "No, that's not true."
But time and time again...
- Women ain't nothing but the fuckin' devil.
I can't fuckin' believe Hazel.
Okay, well, you were pretty horrible to her yesterday.
I'm sorry, what? This is... this is my fault?
I'm not the one who put Isabel on a rampage.
Sorry, what does that have to do with anything?
If Isabel wasn't so desperate to get revenge,
then we wouldn't have blown up Jeff's car
and then he wouldn't be so upset
and then whatever the fuck just happened would not have happened.
Okay, so all of the blame just goes on me then?
Like, none of this can be traced back to you at all?
Well, I mean, yeah, it was your idea to start the whole club.
I didn't want to do this from the beginning.
You know that.
I just followed your lead like an idiot.
You followed my lead when you created that insane story
about girls betting on you to fight other girls with shivs.
You're just mad because I did this.
I... I... I got to be with Isabel on my own.
Without you.
No, you never would have talked to her without me,
ever.
I'm the one who made it happen for you.
You know what's so funny about this whole fucking thing,
all your little schemes,
all your, "Oh, we'll have our year
and we'll fuck so many girls," and whatever?
Is that you're the only one who didn't do anything.
Yeah, well, that's 'cause Brittany's straight, so...
Yeah, no, shit, she's straight.
Does it even matter?
Do you even care? Do you actually like her?
Do you care about anyone other than yourself?
Just find some other girl
to fucking jack off to and do nothing about.
Cool. Yeah, I will.
PJ.
- Ted? - Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Ted.
Ted!
Josie, what the hell?
Why... why... why you look like a scared puppy?
Hey, Rhodes.
Do you have a minute to talk?
If you don't wanna borrow firearms,
- then why are you here? - Um...
Like, for advice?
I'm not your Gay Yoda, Josie.
You're too old for this shit.
Girl, when I was in high school,
people found out I was gay, nobody wanted to be my friend.
And back then it was worse
because they hated you just for being gay.
Not for being gay and untalented.
Mmm.
Sorry, people didn't know you were gay?
Girl, I wore a weave back then, okay?
And I used to say,
"Hey, girl. Hey..."
Look, that's not the point.
You want some advice?
Invest in yourself,
teach people to fear you instead of love you.
I don't wanna, like, deny your advice, obviously.
I just, um...
PJ and I are actually in a fight right now.
So, like...
Like, that's the advice that I need.
I never had many friends, and that's... that's sad.
And as I've gotten old in this world,
it's just gotten more sad.
Okay, um...
I think I'm just gonna go to the game
and then work it out with PJ there.
I wouldn't do that.
Why not?
- It's with Huntington, right? - Yeah.
Well, I'm guessing they've been fucking people up for the past month, right?
- Yeah. - So, they're violent.
What do you think's gonna happen tonight?
I don't know. Football?
Game? Tackle?
Oh, girl.
There is a 50-year rivalry going on.
They always fuck up some unlucky player.
How you don't know—
In '77, they burned him at a stake with his dog.
In '92, they drowned him in a giant kiddie pool.
And in '03, they pulled his body apart with horses.
It's called quartering.
I know... I know what it's called.
So, tonight, I'm stayin' inside
and double boltin' those doors.
If you ever grab a— Nah, I don't care.
I didn't understand a word of that, I'm so sorry.
Just go. Go, just, go. I don't wanna go.
Oh, my God.
- Hey. - How did you find me?
Why are you breathing so heavy?
Okay. I know we're not in a great place right now—
Yeah, because I'm pissed. I'm fuckin' pissed.
Okay, well, I just still think we need to talk
about everything that's, like, going on.
Yeah, cool, well, I don't wanna hear it, so...
Okay, maybe you should reconsider
because I saw Rhodes, she says hi, by the way.
She said this Huntington shit's way darker than we thought.
Apparently, every time Huntington plays Rockbridge,
they try to kill a player and his pets.
The pets?
It's bloodlust, man. That's not the point.
Sounds like I should get
- the fuck out of here now. Okay? - No.
PJ, seriously, come on.
We need to get the club back together,
so we can save them.
What?
Sorry, you're saying you want me and then you
and then all of the girls that fuckin' hate us
to get together and save some fucking football player,
who we hate?
Circle of bad vibes.
Okay, well, obviously, why would you lay it out like that?
Because it sounds insane.
'Cause it is. Why would we do that?
Because we made these girls trust us and then we humiliated them.
They deserve a shot at showing everybody
what they know, what they learned,
how fucking cool they are.
Let's do this for the club.
What do you say?
Can we save the damn day?
Wow.
Pulling out the necklace
- in the final fuckin' hour. - Well...
Yeah.
Mmm. Nice.
Rockbridge, this is the most important day of your life.
Forget your wedding, forget your funeral,
fuck your bar mitzvah.
This is what matters.
Gameday, let's do this!
- Let's go, Vikings! - We're almost there.
Okay, first off, PJ has something to say to Hazel, so...
The apology. Do the apology. Do the apology, instead.
Okay.
I'm sorry that I called your mom a skank.
And I'm sorry
for saying that you have no friends really loud
in front of all of your friends.
And I'm sorry for being an asshole a lot of the time.
Most of the— All of the time.
And I do think that it's nice you always take notes
and then you type them up and email them to everyone...
and I really appreciate it.
Do you forgive me?
Yes.
I don't want to interrupt this gorgeous moment
but we don't have time now
because I got information from a very confidential source
that Huntington is trying to kill
someone on this team tonight.
What are you even talking about, Josie?
Nobody's even over there.
Oh, my God, nobody is even over there.
Well, that is obviously a red flag.
Are we not reading that as a red flag? That's crazy.
- What? - Please, Annie.
Even though you're a Black Republican,
you are the smartest out of all of us, okay?
I mean, obviously I know that. You think I don't know that?
Then help us figure this out.
We need to stop the game. We need to save them.
Wait, wait, hang on. Hazel...
we need a distraction.
Oh, now you want a bomb.
Oh, fuck.
So sorry. Okay. Fuck.
Isabel.
I know you really must hate me right now,
but the club needs you.
To what? Have sex with them?
Guys, we really, really need you. We do.
In your fucking dreams, PJ.
Which you don't deserve to have.
When you sleep,
- it should be, like... - -Rockbridge, are you ready?
total darkness.
- Oh, fuck. - Wow, okay.
Okay, wait, seriously,
maybe if you just listened to us.
- Just listen to us. Whoa! - Brittany.
Here comes your team! - Isabel.
I wouldn't be asking you if this wasn't important!
We don't have time for this.
- Josie, come on. - Hazel!
- Okay, now that you're all... - Ugh. Uh...
warmed up, I want you guys...
Is it the red wire?
Shit, or is it the yellow?
Shawshank your way out.
- Put your hands together... - You got this, Jeff.
- ... and shake your tanks. - You got it!
Hazel! It's starting!
Jeff!
Jeff! Eat my pussy!
Come on, come on!
Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!
- Hurry, Hazel! - It's gonna blow.
- Hazel, come on! - Hazel!
Hazel, come on!
- Hazel, it's not working. - Hazel, it's not going.
- Oh, no. - Fuck. Fucking...
- Maybe turn it off... - Maybe hit it?
No. Give me space. Stop.
Turn it off and then back on.
Jeff!
- I want you to rub Vicks VapoRub on your tanks
and dance around like the fruitbats that you are!
Okay, plan B. We need to get the cheerleaders to make out.
Wait, okay, which cheerleaders do you think?
It's a distraction. We need a distraction.
- Guys. - Hey, guys.
Guys, kiss each other.
Make out. Make out with each other!
We need to delay the game.
Guys! Make out with each other!
Everyone, get your guns out, hide your children
because here comes Huntington.
- Fuck you! Bitch! - What the frick is up?
- Yeah! Get back! - Yeah! Wake up, pussy!
Hold me back!
You're so lucky! You're so fucking lucky.
Hazel! Hazel! Hazel!
What do we do?
Look, look, look.
Oh, wait. I'm gay.
Okay, yeah, I'm not.
I just like gay porn.
This is nothing like porn at all.
Wait.
Is porn even real?
Can we cut the gay shit and get this show on the road?
I came here for some good man-on-man grappling and slapping football!
Can everybody stop looking at the dyke parade?
Who do I have to blow to get this game started already?
- Yes! - Now make 'em eat a bag of urine cakes.
Look, I found empty barrels of pineapple juice.
There is pineapple here.
So, they're gonna poison Jeff then.
Where the fuck is it?
Fuck, I'm thinking really quick.
What if it's in their mouths and they're swishing it around
and then they're gonna spit it out mid-game?
- What? - I hate to say it,
but it might have something to do with their semen.
Obviously, it does not. What is wrong with you?
They kissed on the mouth.
- With tongue. - As a distraction,
and we can do it again if people are asking.
- Wait, when was this? - The bomb didn't work,
and there was no other distractions!
- Yeah, there was... - And because we were...
- They're gonna spray the field. - What?
- Okay, we're gonna have to run. - -No!
- We're gonna have to run. We're gonna have to run. - We can't run. No!
No!
- Oh, my asthma. - No, please!
You don't have asthma.
I feel like I have asthma now!
PJ! Cover the sprinklers.
I got it.
Oh, fuck!
Get back here, you fuckin' weasel!
I'm sorry.
You saved me.
You're... you're welcome?
Oh, no.
- I... Would... - Mmm-mmm. Uh-uh.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
- Whoa. - Hazel!
- Hazel! Hazel! Look out! - Hey.
It's pineapple juice!
- Turn it off! Turn it off! - 'Scuse me.
Turn it off! Please just turn it off!
Yes.
Yes!
Yes, this is the Viking way!
Yes, thank you, thank you.
You did it.
You fucking saved me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thanks.
- What is... - I mean...
- Okay. - I guess we did it.
We did that shit!
I mean...
Really proud of you.
I'm proud of us.
I do wanna say, um,
I feel like you killed that guy.
Oh, yeah. I mean, we killed—
I think we killed...
- You killed that guy... - No.
- Yeah, he's dead. That's dead. - No. Oh, my God.
Yeah, we killed a couple. We killed...
we killed a lot of guys.
I— Let's just— We'll process it later.
- Much later. - Later.
- Yeah. - Um...
Do you wanna...
Yeah.
I just wanna say I'm sorry.
You don't have to forgive me at all or anything.
But I, like, really want you to know how sorry I am.
I was kind of insane,
and the sheer amount of lies I told is...
is shocking,
and it doesn't excuse what I did.
But I really liked getting to know you.
And I still really like you.
- I just... - You know, you didn't have to start, like, a whole
fight club just to date me.
You could have just, like, talked to me.
Oh. Okay, uh, I don't really know
how true that is. You know what I mean...
Man, I knew women were good.
I been sayin' that shit the whole time, man.
Oh, so sorry.
- Yeah! - Oh.
Yes, queen!
Yeah!
Attention, everyone.
It seems like these Huntington players
- are not only shitty... - Yes, queen!
football players,
but they're also dead cheating bitch asses.
Meanin' the Vikings once again win the game!
- Whoo! - Decompose, you fuckers!
Damn it.
That was my thing!
By the way, what the fuck are you wearing?
You got suspenders over your nipples like a goddamn freak.
Not gonna come to any meetings.
It's gonna be fine.
He's so preoccupied with his divor...
Yeah.
I drank before I came to class.
- What? - Sorry.
You got this, Jeff! You got it!
Oh, shit.
You scarin' the shit out of me, boy. You all right?
- Good shit. - I got this.
Y'all were two of my top students, I think.
Oh, no, that was two other students.
But at the end of the day, it don't matter.
This shit is, like, beyond me.
Not Beyond Meat, like the fake meat,
but beyond me, like...
Who does that? Where do they do that at?
Y'all out here forty-two fakin' for the bacon.
You understand what I'm sayin'?
- God, this is the most depressing shit ever.
Oh, wait, fuck me.
Idiot. Idiot!
- She's still laughing because of the last laugh.
No! Fuck!
Cut, cut.
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys. Hi.
Hey, guys. Sorry.
You look like you yodel.
You look super religious.
Get fucked, Janice.
Get railed, Janice.
Eat a dick, Janice.
God, what is happening to this country?
- Why? - Why?
This is not the Viking way!
How old are you? I put whiskey in that.
Actually dealin' with the "D" word.
- Death. - No.
- Dinosaurs. - No.
- Depression? - If you don't...
Deez nuts!