1
00:03:02,247 --> 00:03:04,541
Kinda lonesome back here.

2
00:03:04,874 --> 00:03:06,251
Yeah, little help.

3
00:03:07,585 --> 00:03:12,006
Okay, um, just, I have to
keep my hands on the wheel.

4
00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:15,552
Excuse me. Whoo!

5
00:03:16,052 --> 00:03:17,679
Ah, Dopinder.

6
00:03:17,846 --> 00:03:19,848
Pool. Dead.

7
00:03:21,266 --> 00:03:22,517
Hmm, nice.

8
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:24,686
Smells good, no?

9
00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:26,729
Not the Daffodil Daydream.
The girl.

10
00:03:26,855 --> 00:03:28,773
Ah, yes. Gita.

11
00:03:28,857 --> 00:03:30,275
Hmm.
She is quite lovely.

12
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:33,111
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife.

13
00:03:33,194 --> 00:03:34,362
But, um...

14
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,616
Gita's heart has been stolen
by my cousin Bandhu.

15
00:03:38,950 --> 00:03:42,579
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.

16
00:03:43,913 --> 00:03:45,790
Dopinder, I'm starting to think

17
00:03:45,874 --> 00:03:47,709
there's a reason
I'm in this cab today.

18
00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:49,377
Yeah, sir, you called
for it, remember?

19
00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:54,132
No, my slender brown friend.
Love is a beautiful thing.

20
00:03:54,465 --> 00:03:55,884
When you find it,
the whole world

21
00:03:55,967 --> 00:03:57,218
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.

22
00:03:58,469 --> 00:04:00,221
So you gotta hold onto love...

23
00:04:00,597 --> 00:04:01,890
tight!
Ah.

24
00:04:01,973 --> 00:04:03,308
And never let go.

25
00:04:03,391 --> 00:04:04,893
Don't make
the same mistakes I did.

26
00:04:04,976 --> 00:04:06,144
Got it?
Yeah.

27
00:04:06,269 --> 00:04:09,814
Or else the whole world tastes
like Mama June after hot yoga.

28
00:04:10,398 --> 00:04:12,692
Sir, what does
Miss Mama June taste like?

29
00:04:12,817 --> 00:04:15,737
Like two hobos fucking in a shoe
filled with piss. Okay, enough.

30
00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:18,656
I can go all day, Dopinder.
The point is, it's bad!

31
00:04:18,740 --> 00:04:20,491
Hmm, it's bad.

32
00:04:20,825 --> 00:04:23,578
Uh, why the fancy
red suit, Mr. Pool?

33
00:04:23,661 --> 00:04:25,663
Oh, that's because
it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.

34
00:04:25,788 --> 00:04:28,249
And I'm after someone
on my naughty list.

35
00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:29,834
I've been waiting one year,
three weeks...

36
00:04:29,959 --> 00:04:31,836
six days and, oh...

37
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,255
14 minutes to make him fix
what he did to me.

38
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,176
And what did he do
to you, Mr. Pool?

39
00:04:38,259 --> 00:04:39,594
This shit...

40
00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:41,846
Boo!

41
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:03,868
They won't disappoint.

42
00:05:04,535 --> 00:05:06,287
They'd better not.

43
00:05:06,371 --> 00:05:08,665
And what about
next month's shipment?

44
00:05:08,831 --> 00:05:10,375
There won't be one.

45
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:12,126
You're not the only one
with a war to win.

46
00:05:13,378 --> 00:05:14,712
That won't do.

47
00:05:17,715 --> 00:05:20,218
See, we've had
this small disruption

48
00:05:20,343 --> 00:05:21,552
to our supply chain...

49
00:05:25,390 --> 00:05:27,642
We'd appreciate your patience.

50
00:05:30,186 --> 00:05:31,396
Okay.

51
00:05:31,688 --> 00:05:34,148
We'll deliver in full
the following month.

52
00:05:37,652 --> 00:05:38,736
Pleasure doing
business with you.

53
00:05:42,657 --> 00:05:44,409
Fucking mutant.

54
00:05:54,419 --> 00:05:55,920
Oh, shit!

55
00:05:56,004 --> 00:05:57,422
I forgot my ammo bag.

56
00:05:57,755 --> 00:05:58,840
Shall we turn back?

57
00:05:58,923 --> 00:06:00,008
No, no time.

58
00:06:00,425 --> 00:06:01,926
Fuck it. I got this.

59
00:06:02,051 --> 00:06:05,346
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust.

60
00:06:05,430 --> 00:06:06,514
Right here!

61
00:06:08,433 --> 00:06:10,893
That's, uh, $27.50.

62
00:06:11,060 --> 00:06:12,687
I... I never carry a
wallet when I'm working.

63
00:06:12,770 --> 00:06:14,230
Ruins the lines of my suit.

64
00:06:14,605 --> 00:06:15,690
Oh.
But, uh,

65
00:06:15,773 --> 00:06:17,108
how about a crisp high five?

66
00:06:17,233 --> 00:06:18,276
Okay.

67
00:06:18,401 --> 00:06:19,610
Merry Christmas.

68
00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:24,032
And a convivial Tuesday
in April to you too, Pool!

69
00:06:24,115 --> 00:06:27,535
Hey, yeah I wanna shoop, baby.

70
00:06:27,618 --> 00:06:30,455
Shoop shooop
ba-doop, shoop ba-doop.

71
00:06:30,580 --> 00:06:32,457
Shoop ba-doop,
ba-doop, ba-doop.

72
00:06:32,540 --> 00:06:34,459
You're packed and you're
stacked 'specially in the back.

73
00:06:34,584 --> 00:06:37,295
Brother, wanna thank your
mother for a butt like that.

74
00:06:37,378 --> 00:06:39,714
Can I get some fries
with that shake-shake boobie?

75
00:06:39,797 --> 00:06:41,966
If looks could kill
you would be an uzi.

76
00:06:42,091 --> 00:06:43,551
You're a shotgun, bang!

77
00:06:43,634 --> 00:06:44,635
Wha... Oh!

78
00:06:45,386 --> 00:06:48,473
Oh, hello. I know, right?

79
00:06:48,639 --> 00:06:50,558
Whose balls did I have to fondle

80
00:06:50,641 --> 00:06:52,310
to get my very own movie?

81
00:06:52,435 --> 00:06:53,561
I can't tell you,

82
00:06:53,644 --> 00:06:56,147
but it does rhyme
with "Polverine."

83
00:06:56,272 --> 00:06:57,565
And let me tell you,

84
00:06:57,648 --> 00:07:01,652
he's got a nice pair of
smooth criminals down under.

85
00:07:01,903 --> 00:07:05,990
Anyway, I got places to be,
a face to fix and, oh...

86
00:07:06,115 --> 00:07:08,743
Bad guys to kill.

87
00:07:14,165 --> 00:07:15,458
Maximum effort.

88
00:07:25,343 --> 00:07:26,344
Cock shot.

89
00:07:31,349 --> 00:07:32,350
Ha!

90
00:07:34,102 --> 00:07:36,187
Rich Corinthian leather.

91
00:07:38,147 --> 00:07:39,982
I'm looking for Francis!

92
00:07:40,525 --> 00:07:42,193
Have you seen this man?

93
00:07:42,276 --> 00:07:44,278
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

94
00:07:50,535 --> 00:07:51,702
Ow. Ow!

95
00:07:52,161 --> 00:07:53,204
Yanky, yanky!

96
00:08:25,736 --> 00:08:28,072
I've never said this,
but don't swallow.

97
00:08:49,427 --> 00:08:50,928
Shit.

98
00:08:51,554 --> 00:08:53,556
Did I leave the stove on?

99
00:09:11,032 --> 00:09:12,408
Now, breaking news.

100
00:09:12,783 --> 00:09:14,785
A multi-car collision
turned shots fired

101
00:09:14,869 --> 00:09:16,412
on the crosstown expressway
this morning.

102
00:09:16,746 --> 00:09:18,748
Gridlock has kept
police from the scene.

103
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,542
Residents are advised
to remain in their homes.

104
00:09:21,626 --> 00:09:23,127
The assailant
appears to be armed,

105
00:09:23,211 --> 00:09:24,629
dangerous, and wearing...

106
00:09:24,712 --> 00:09:26,130
a red suit.
A red suit.

107
00:09:26,797 --> 00:09:28,049
Deadpool.

108
00:09:28,132 --> 00:09:30,635
Negasonic!
Come, we have mission.

109
00:09:31,719 --> 00:09:34,096
Colossus, wait up.

110
00:09:34,263 --> 00:09:37,475
I've given Deadpool every
chance to join us...

111
00:09:37,642 --> 00:09:39,810
but he'd rather
act like a child.

112
00:09:39,894 --> 00:09:42,230
A heavily-armed child.

113
00:09:42,313 --> 00:09:46,150
When will he grow up and see
benefits of becoming X-Man?

114
00:09:46,234 --> 00:09:48,110
Which benefits?
The matching unitards?

115
00:09:48,402 --> 00:09:50,154
The house that blows up
every few years?

116
00:09:50,279 --> 00:09:51,322
Please.

117
00:09:51,405 --> 00:09:53,783
House blowing up
builds character.

118
00:09:54,283 --> 00:09:56,077
You ate breakfast, yes?

119
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,412
Breakfast is most
important meal of day.

120
00:09:59,330 --> 00:10:03,501
Here, protein bar.
Good for bones.

121
00:10:03,668 --> 00:10:06,003
Deadpool may try to break yours.

122
00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:15,930
Get out of the way!

123
00:10:33,364 --> 00:10:34,865
Hey! Whoo!

124
00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:47,295
Wait!

125
00:10:47,670 --> 00:10:49,714
You may be wondering,
"Why the red suit?"

126
00:10:49,797 --> 00:10:51,716
Well, that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.

127
00:10:52,883 --> 00:10:54,051
This guy's got the right idea.

128
00:10:54,385 --> 00:10:55,720
He wore the brown pants.

129
00:10:57,722 --> 00:10:59,807
Fine!
I only have 12 bullets...

130
00:10:59,890 --> 00:11:01,559
so you're gonna have to share!

131
00:11:01,642 --> 00:11:03,394
Let's count them down.

132
00:11:22,747 --> 00:11:23,914
Shit.

133
00:11:26,917 --> 00:11:28,669
Motherfucker!

134
00:11:29,420 --> 00:11:31,088
10! Shit!

135
00:11:31,172 --> 00:11:32,757
Nine. Fuck.

136
00:11:33,090 --> 00:11:34,175
Eight.

137
00:11:34,258 --> 00:11:35,259
Shit-fuck!

138
00:11:39,055 --> 00:11:40,264
Bad Deadpool.

139
00:11:41,724 --> 00:11:43,851
Seven.
Good Deadpool.

140
00:11:56,781 --> 00:11:57,782
Oh!

141
00:12:06,207 --> 00:12:08,709
Someone's not counting. Six.

142
00:12:28,396 --> 00:12:29,814
Oh!

143
00:12:35,277 --> 00:12:36,487
Four...

144
00:12:38,823 --> 00:12:39,990
Gotcha.

145
00:12:41,617 --> 00:12:42,910
Right up main street.

146
00:12:46,956 --> 00:12:47,915
Three, two!

147
00:12:47,998 --> 00:12:49,917
Stupid! Worth it.

148
00:13:13,983 --> 00:13:15,151
Ah!

149
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,320
I'm touching myself tonight.

150
00:13:19,238 --> 00:13:20,281
Francis!

151
00:13:20,656 --> 00:13:21,866
Francis...

152
00:13:23,868 --> 00:13:26,036
What the shit-biscuit!

153
00:13:26,162 --> 00:13:27,872
Where you at, Francis?

154
00:13:36,839 --> 00:13:37,882
You're not Francis.

155
00:13:45,890 --> 00:13:48,350
Really?
Rolling up the sleeves?

156
00:13:58,736 --> 00:14:00,070
You're probably thinking,

157
00:14:00,196 --> 00:14:01,989
"My boyfriend said
this was a superhero movie...

158
00:14:02,072 --> 00:14:03,574
"but that guy in the red suit
just turned

159
00:14:03,699 --> 00:14:05,910
"that other guy
into a fucking kabab!"

160
00:14:06,076 --> 00:14:10,498
Well, I may be super,
but I'm no hero.

161
00:14:10,831 --> 00:14:12,917
And yeah, technically,
this is a murder.

162
00:14:13,042 --> 00:14:15,252
But some of the best love
stories start with a murder.

163
00:14:15,377 --> 00:14:18,339
And that's exactly
what this is, a love story.

164
00:14:18,422 --> 00:14:19,840
And to tell it right...

165
00:14:19,924 --> 00:14:22,092
I gotta take you back
to long before

166
00:14:22,176 --> 00:14:24,720
I squeezed this ass
into red spandex.

167
00:14:25,721 --> 00:14:28,265
Look, would it help
if I slow it down for you?

168
00:14:28,390 --> 00:14:30,768
I didn't order the pizza.

169
00:14:30,851 --> 00:14:34,688
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
Are you Mr. Merchant?

170
00:14:34,772 --> 00:14:37,733
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who
didn't order the fucking pie!

171
00:14:38,108 --> 00:14:39,276
Then who placed the call?

172
00:14:39,902 --> 00:14:41,195
I did!

173
00:14:43,531 --> 00:14:44,907
Pineapple and olive?

174
00:14:45,449 --> 00:14:48,244
Sweet and salty.

175
00:14:48,410 --> 00:14:49,537
The fuck are you?

176
00:14:49,620 --> 00:14:51,539
The fuck you doing in my crib...

177
00:14:51,622 --> 00:14:52,706
Is it burnt crust?

178
00:14:52,790 --> 00:14:54,625
I... God,
I hope not. Um...

179
00:14:54,750 --> 00:14:56,544
Whoa... Man, look, if this
is about that poker game.

180
00:14:56,627 --> 00:14:58,879
I told Howie, I told him that...

181
00:14:58,963 --> 00:15:02,883
Okay, uh, look,
just take whatever you want.

182
00:15:02,967 --> 00:15:04,093
Thanks.

183
00:15:05,052 --> 00:15:06,303
Sir, before you do
anything to him,

184
00:15:06,428 --> 00:15:07,638
do you mind if I get a big tip?

185
00:15:08,097 --> 00:15:10,891
Uh, Jeremy, is it?

186
00:15:10,975 --> 00:15:12,476
Umm-hmm.
Wade. Wade Wilson.

187
00:15:13,644 --> 00:15:16,564
That is a no go
on the tiperoo, Jer.

188
00:15:16,647 --> 00:15:18,148
I'm not here for him.

189
00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:20,067
I'm here for you.

190
00:15:20,150 --> 00:15:21,569
Oh.

191
00:15:21,652 --> 00:15:23,487
Okay, wow, dodged a big-time
bullet on that one.

192
00:15:23,571 --> 00:15:25,573
Not out of the woods yet.

193
00:15:26,156 --> 00:15:28,492
You need to seriously ease up
on the bedazzling.

194
00:15:28,617 --> 00:15:30,494
They're jeans, not a chandelier.

195
00:15:30,619 --> 00:15:32,830
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kinda give it to me.

196
00:15:32,913 --> 00:15:34,665
Okay, just look, man,
can I have my Sam's card...

197
00:15:34,790 --> 00:15:37,084
I will shoot your fucking cat!

198
00:15:37,835 --> 00:15:40,296
I don't really know what that means.
I don't have a cat.

199
00:15:40,629 --> 00:15:42,339
Then whose kitty litter
did I just shit in?

200
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:48,596
Anyhoo, tell me something...

201
00:15:48,679 --> 00:15:52,349
what situation
isn't improved by pizza?

202
00:15:52,516 --> 00:15:54,768
Do you happen to know
a Meghan Orflosky?

203
00:15:54,852 --> 00:15:56,437
Getting that right?
Orflosky?

204
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,856
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.

205
00:16:00,107 --> 00:16:01,358
Because she knows you.

206
00:16:01,442 --> 00:16:03,611
Jeremy, I belong
to a group of guys

207
00:16:03,694 --> 00:16:05,779
who take a dime
to beat a fella down.

208
00:16:05,863 --> 00:16:07,281
And little Meghan,
she's not made of money,

209
00:16:07,364 --> 00:16:08,616
but lucky for her...

210
00:16:08,699 --> 00:16:10,034
I got a soft spot.

211
00:16:10,784 --> 00:16:12,703
But I'm a...
A stalker.

212
00:16:13,162 --> 00:16:14,622
Threats hurt, Jer.

213
00:16:14,705 --> 00:16:18,208
Though not nearly as badly
as serrated steel.

214
00:16:18,334 --> 00:16:21,378
So keep away from Meghan.

215
00:16:21,462 --> 00:16:22,463
Cool?

216
00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:23,631
Yes, sir.

217
00:16:23,714 --> 00:16:24,715
Then we're done.

218
00:16:25,132 --> 00:16:27,134
Wait.
We are?

219
00:16:27,217 --> 00:16:28,886
Yeah. We're totally done.

220
00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:31,055
You should've seen your face.

221
00:16:31,138 --> 00:16:32,389
I didn't know what to do.
I was so scared.

222
00:16:32,681 --> 00:16:33,724
Soft spot, remember?

223
00:16:35,225 --> 00:16:37,311
You even look in her
general direction again...

224
00:16:37,394 --> 00:16:38,896
and you will learn
in the worst of ways

225
00:16:39,021 --> 00:16:41,065
that I have some hard spots too.

226
00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:44,485
That came out wrong.

227
00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:46,820
Or did it?

228
00:16:59,416 --> 00:17:01,001
Mmm... Meghan?

229
00:17:04,171 --> 00:17:05,589
You've heard the last
of Jeremy. He's sorry.

230
00:17:06,423 --> 00:17:08,258
No friggin' way.

231
00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:14,264
Should've brought
my roller blades.

232
00:17:14,348 --> 00:17:15,766
Show these kids how it's done.

233
00:17:15,849 --> 00:17:19,186
Oh. And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.

234
00:17:19,395 --> 00:17:21,271
Hey, think you could
fuck up my step-dad?

235
00:17:21,355 --> 00:17:22,856
I give a guy a pavement facial,

236
00:17:22,940 --> 00:17:23,941
it's because he's earned it.

237
00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:25,943
Hey, wait!

238
00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:28,862
You're my hero.

239
00:17:28,946 --> 00:17:31,448
No-no-no-no.
That I ain't!

240
00:17:33,117 --> 00:17:35,536
Nope. Never will be.

241
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,538
Oh. Fuck you, Wade.

242
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:41,125
I'm just a bad guy who gets
paid to fuck up worse guys.

243
00:17:42,543 --> 00:17:44,378
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.

244
00:17:44,461 --> 00:17:46,588
It's like a job fair
for mercenaries.

245
00:17:47,464 --> 00:17:49,299
Think of us as really
fucked up tooth fairies...

246
00:17:49,383 --> 00:17:51,969
except we knock out the teeth
and take the cash.

247
00:17:52,094 --> 00:17:55,055
You'd best hope we never see
your name on a gold card.

248
00:17:55,139 --> 00:17:56,974
Buck! Liefeld...

249
00:17:57,391 --> 00:17:58,392
Hey, Wade!

250
00:17:58,726 --> 00:17:59,893
Wade Wilson, patron
saint of the pitiful.

251
00:17:59,977 --> 00:18:01,311
What can I do for you?

252
00:18:01,812 --> 00:18:03,105
I'd love a Blow Job.

253
00:18:03,397 --> 00:18:04,481
Oh, God, me too.

254
00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:06,734
The drink, moose knuckle.
But first...

255
00:18:08,402 --> 00:18:10,320
Hey, and I ain't taking any
babysitting money, all right?

256
00:18:10,446 --> 00:18:12,072
Make sure
that gets back to Ms...

257
00:18:12,156 --> 00:18:13,157
Orlovsky.

258
00:18:13,282 --> 00:18:14,241
Yeah, her.

259
00:18:14,324 --> 00:18:15,617
You sure?
Hmm.

260
00:18:15,909 --> 00:18:18,245
You know, for a merc,
you're pretty warm-blooded.

261
00:18:18,328 --> 00:18:20,247
I bet you let
the kid off easy, too.

262
00:18:20,330 --> 00:18:22,166
Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas.

263
00:18:22,291 --> 00:18:23,500
Just a little light stalking.

264
00:18:23,584 --> 00:18:25,169
I was way worse than him
when I was his age.

265
00:18:25,252 --> 00:18:26,920
I was traveling
to exotic places...

266
00:18:27,004 --> 00:18:29,673
Baghdad, Mogadishu,
Jacksonville,

267
00:18:29,757 --> 00:18:31,175
meeting new and exciting
people. And then, uh...

268
00:18:31,633 --> 00:18:33,510
Killing them. Yeah,
I've seen your Instagram.

269
00:18:33,844 --> 00:18:36,180
So what was Special Forces
doing in Jacksonville, anyway?

270
00:18:36,305 --> 00:18:37,848
That's classified.

271
00:18:37,931 --> 00:18:40,017
They have
a wonderful TGI Fridays.

272
00:18:40,184 --> 00:18:42,436
All right,
Kahlua, Baileys and...

273
00:18:42,603 --> 00:18:43,771
whipped cream.

274
00:18:43,937 --> 00:18:45,981
I give you a Blow Job.

275
00:18:46,482 --> 00:18:47,858
Why do you make me make that?

276
00:18:47,941 --> 00:18:49,693
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...

277
00:18:49,777 --> 00:18:51,111
Take that over to Buck please,

278
00:18:51,195 --> 00:18:53,113
and tell him it's from Boothe.
Little foreplay.

279
00:18:53,197 --> 00:18:55,449
Remind me what good
will come of this?

280
00:18:55,532 --> 00:18:57,534
I don't take the shits.
I just disturb them.

281
00:18:57,659 --> 00:18:58,952
Boothe!
Oh!

282
00:18:59,036 --> 00:19:00,204
Easy, man.
Hold up! Hold up!

283
00:19:00,287 --> 00:19:01,288
What you want?

284
00:19:04,124 --> 00:19:06,376
- Cheers. To your health.
- Fuck you.

285
00:19:06,877 --> 00:19:08,962
Come here, you fat fuck!

286
00:19:09,046 --> 00:19:10,547
That's a new stool.

287
00:19:15,385 --> 00:19:16,887
Stay the fuck down.

288
00:19:19,556 --> 00:19:21,225
Whoa! Took his ass out!

289
00:19:21,308 --> 00:19:23,060
All right, move.
Move, move, move.

290
00:19:23,143 --> 00:19:24,228
Buck, go rest.

291
00:19:25,646 --> 00:19:26,897
Boothe got hit then went down.

292
00:19:30,692 --> 00:19:33,237
Yeah, he's still breathing.

293
00:19:36,031 --> 00:19:37,491
Nobody wins today.

294
00:19:37,574 --> 00:19:39,243
Nice try, Wade.

295
00:19:39,326 --> 00:19:41,411
You got me. I picked
Boothe in the dead pool.

296
00:19:41,495 --> 00:19:42,830
Who did you pick?

297
00:19:42,913 --> 00:19:44,915
Yeah, Wade, about that, um...

298
00:19:45,207 --> 00:19:46,208
No.

299
00:19:46,583 --> 00:19:48,418
You did not bet on me to die.

300
00:19:52,005 --> 00:19:53,423
You bet on me to die. Wow!

301
00:19:53,507 --> 00:19:54,883
Motherfucker, you're
the world's worst friend.

302
00:19:55,342 --> 00:19:57,511
Well, joke's on you.
I'm living to 102.

303
00:19:57,594 --> 00:19:59,680
And then dying.
Like the city of Detroit.

304
00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:02,683
I'm sorry. I just...
I wanted to win money.

305
00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:04,101
I never win anything.

306
00:20:04,184 --> 00:20:05,185
Whatever.

307
00:20:05,269 --> 00:20:06,895
Soldiers of fortune,
drinks on me!

308
00:20:09,356 --> 00:20:11,233
Domestic, nothing imported.

309
00:20:14,027 --> 00:20:15,195
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

310
00:20:15,279 --> 00:20:19,199
Baby, are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?

311
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:22,452
Uh... Tight.

312
00:20:24,121 --> 00:20:26,081
Vanessa.
Wade.

313
00:20:26,415 --> 00:20:28,584
What's a nice place like you
doing in a girl like this?

314
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,211
I'd hit that.

315
00:20:32,462 --> 00:20:34,298
Buck, you best
apologize before...

316
00:20:34,381 --> 00:20:36,633
Yeah, that.

317
00:20:36,884 --> 00:20:38,468
Say the magic words,
Fat Gandalf.

318
00:20:38,594 --> 00:20:40,304
I'm sorry.
Breathe through the nose.

319
00:20:40,387 --> 00:20:42,639
I don't have a filter
between my brain and my...

320
00:20:42,723 --> 00:20:44,641
Let go. Okay.
Hey, oh, oh, oh...

321
00:20:44,725 --> 00:20:45,726
Hakuna his tatas.
He's sorry.

322
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:47,060
I'm working on it.

323
00:20:47,269 --> 00:20:49,229
Get out of here.
Go. Go cast a spell.

324
00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:52,232
Hey. Hands off
the merchandise.

325
00:20:53,775 --> 00:20:55,068
Merchandise? Huh...

326
00:20:55,319 --> 00:20:57,654
So you, uh...

327
00:20:57,821 --> 00:20:59,156
bump fuzzies for money?

328
00:20:59,281 --> 00:21:01,241
Yep.
Rough childhood?

329
00:21:01,325 --> 00:21:02,326
Rougher than yours.

330
00:21:02,451 --> 00:21:03,994
Daddy left before I was born.

331
00:21:04,661 --> 00:21:06,163
Daddy left before
I was conceived.

332
00:21:07,414 --> 00:21:08,749
Ever had a cigarette
put out on your skin?

333
00:21:09,124 --> 00:21:10,417
Where else do you put one out?

334
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:11,752
I was molested.

335
00:21:11,835 --> 00:21:13,503
Me too. Uncle.

336
00:21:13,587 --> 00:21:15,839
Uncles. They took turns.

337
00:21:16,173 --> 00:21:17,507
I watched my own birthday party

338
00:21:17,591 --> 00:21:18,759
through the keyhole
of a locked closet...

339
00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:20,177
which also happens to be my...

340
00:21:20,260 --> 00:21:23,096
Your bedroom. Lucky.
I slept in a dishwasher box.

341
00:21:23,180 --> 00:21:25,182
You had a dishwasher.

342
00:21:25,682 --> 00:21:26,683
I didn't even know sleep.

343
00:21:26,808 --> 00:21:28,602
It was pretty much
24/7 ball gags,

344
00:21:28,685 --> 00:21:30,145
brownie mix and clown porn.

345
00:21:34,191 --> 00:21:35,442
Who would do such a thing?

346
00:21:37,110 --> 00:21:40,530
Hopefully you, later tonight?

347
00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:48,330
Hey, what can I get for,
uh, $275 and a...

348
00:21:49,539 --> 00:21:51,208
a Yogurtland rewards card?

349
00:21:51,291 --> 00:21:53,877
Baby, about 48 minutes of
whatever the fuck you want.

350
00:21:55,379 --> 00:21:57,130
And a low-fat dessert.

351
00:22:04,137 --> 00:22:06,223
Did she just put a gift card
in your mouth?

352
00:22:07,724 --> 00:22:09,810
It's time to put balls in holes.

353
00:22:10,852 --> 00:22:12,396
You said whatever I want.

354
00:22:13,063 --> 00:22:14,064
I get it.

355
00:22:14,481 --> 00:22:15,983
You love skee ball.

356
00:22:16,066 --> 00:22:18,318
Apparently more than
you love vagina.

357
00:22:18,402 --> 00:22:20,654
That's a tough call.

358
00:22:20,737 --> 00:22:22,990
I just wanna get to
know the real you, you know.

359
00:22:23,073 --> 00:22:24,992
Not the short-shorted,
two-dimensional

360
00:22:25,075 --> 00:22:26,994
sex object peddled by Hollywood.

361
00:22:27,077 --> 00:22:28,078
Balls in holes.

362
00:22:29,246 --> 00:22:30,247
Balls in holes.

363
00:22:30,330 --> 00:22:31,748
Prepare to lose tragically.

364
00:22:31,873 --> 00:22:32,916
Bring it, big man.

365
00:22:33,041 --> 00:22:34,042
Okay.

366
00:22:36,420 --> 00:22:37,587
Uh-oh.

367
00:22:38,171 --> 00:22:39,172
Uh-oh.

368
00:22:40,382 --> 00:22:41,758
The limited edition.

369
00:22:41,883 --> 00:22:44,761
Defender of
the Universe ring, por favor.

370
00:22:45,220 --> 00:22:47,723
Okay. Here we go.

371
00:22:48,682 --> 00:22:50,767
Had my eye on
this sucker for a while.

372
00:22:50,851 --> 00:22:52,686
And I will take
the pencil eraser.

373
00:22:52,769 --> 00:22:54,187
Okay.

374
00:22:54,271 --> 00:22:57,024
You are now the protector
of the planet Arus.

375
00:22:57,107 --> 00:22:59,026
And you can erase stuff...

376
00:22:59,109 --> 00:23:00,444
written in pencil.

377
00:23:00,861 --> 00:23:02,195
M'lady?

378
00:23:02,279 --> 00:23:03,530
Well, I hate to
break it to you...

379
00:23:03,613 --> 00:23:05,449
but your 48 minutes are up.

380
00:23:05,949 --> 00:23:08,785
Hey, how many more minutes
can I get for this?

381
00:23:08,869 --> 00:23:11,288
FYI, five mini lion-bots
come together

382
00:23:11,413 --> 00:23:13,373
to form one super-bot, so...

383
00:23:13,707 --> 00:23:16,710
Five mini lion-bots?
Three minutes.

384
00:23:16,793 --> 00:23:17,836
Deal.

385
00:23:17,919 --> 00:23:20,172
What do we do with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?

386
00:23:20,964 --> 00:23:21,965
Cuddle?

387
00:23:26,386 --> 00:23:27,888
How long can you keep this up?

388
00:23:28,096 --> 00:23:29,139
All year?

389
00:23:39,816 --> 00:23:41,651
Happy Valentine's Day.

390
00:23:49,326 --> 00:23:50,911
Happy Chinese New Year.

391
00:23:50,994 --> 00:23:52,329
Year of the Dog.

392
00:23:57,501 --> 00:23:58,668
Relax.

393
00:23:59,294 --> 00:24:01,421
And Happy
International Women's Day.

394
00:24:05,926 --> 00:24:09,012
No. No. No.

395
00:24:11,431 --> 00:24:12,516
Happy Lent.

396
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:17,687
Ow, ow.

397
00:24:17,813 --> 00:24:19,022
Wade?
Sorry.

398
00:24:19,147 --> 00:24:20,524
Happy Halloween.

399
00:24:20,649 --> 00:24:21,691
Happy Halloween.

400
00:24:31,493 --> 00:24:33,203
Happy Thanksgiving.

401
00:24:35,205 --> 00:24:36,373
I love you.

402
00:24:40,210 --> 00:24:42,212
If your left leg
is Thanksgiving...

403
00:24:42,337 --> 00:24:44,005
and your right leg
is Christmas...

404
00:24:45,340 --> 00:24:46,842
can I visit you
between the holidays?

405
00:24:47,676 --> 00:24:48,718
Oh!

406
00:24:48,802 --> 00:24:50,554
That sweater is terrible.

407
00:24:51,805 --> 00:24:53,223
But red looks good on you.

408
00:24:53,348 --> 00:24:54,307
Red's your color.

409
00:24:54,391 --> 00:24:56,226
Brings out the bloodshot
in your eyes.

410
00:24:57,185 --> 00:24:58,228
Listen, I've been thinking...

411
00:24:58,311 --> 00:24:59,312
Really?

412
00:25:00,063 --> 00:25:01,815
about why we're
so good together.

413
00:25:02,190 --> 00:25:03,233
Why's that?

414
00:25:04,067 --> 00:25:07,821
Well, your crazy matches
my crazy. Big time.

415
00:25:08,071 --> 00:25:09,406
Hmm.

416
00:25:10,031 --> 00:25:11,575
And, uh, we're like
two jigsaw pieces,

417
00:25:11,700 --> 00:25:12,909
you know,
the weird curvy edges...

418
00:25:13,243 --> 00:25:15,704
You put them together and you
can see the picture on top.

419
00:25:16,538 --> 00:25:17,581
Right.

420
00:25:18,206 --> 00:25:19,249
Wade...

421
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,419
there's something I've been
meaning to ask you.

422
00:25:22,544 --> 00:25:25,046
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.

423
00:25:27,215 --> 00:25:28,258
Will you, uh...

424
00:25:29,509 --> 00:25:31,386
stick it in my...
Marry me?

425
00:25:33,096 --> 00:25:35,348
Uh... Jinx?

426
00:25:35,432 --> 00:25:36,433
Huh.

427
00:25:37,267 --> 00:25:38,435
Where were you hiding that?

428
00:25:38,518 --> 00:25:39,561
Nowhere.

429
00:25:40,562 --> 00:25:42,189
They say one month's salary.
So, uh...

430
00:25:42,272 --> 00:25:43,273
You mean?

431
00:25:43,356 --> 00:25:44,357
I do.

432
00:25:44,441 --> 00:25:45,442
That's my line.

433
00:25:48,778 --> 00:25:50,447
I love you, Wade Wilson.

434
00:25:51,281 --> 00:25:52,616
You're supposed to...
So that's a...

435
00:25:52,699 --> 00:25:54,117
Yes!
Whoo!

436
00:25:54,910 --> 00:25:55,952
Yes!

437
00:25:58,121 --> 00:25:59,581
I feel just like a little girl.

438
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,214
What if I just held on
and never let go?

439
00:26:07,297 --> 00:26:09,883
Just ride a bitch's back,
like Yoda on Luke.

440
00:26:09,966 --> 00:26:12,302
Oh, Star Wars jokes.

441
00:26:12,802 --> 00:26:14,054
Empire.

442
00:26:15,472 --> 00:26:16,723
Jesus Christ.

443
00:26:16,806 --> 00:26:18,725
It's like I made you
in a computer.

444
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:21,561
Mmm.

445
00:26:22,979 --> 00:26:23,980
Hey.

446
00:26:25,106 --> 00:26:26,483
Perfect.

447
00:26:30,278 --> 00:26:31,738
Let's see.
All right, wee break.

448
00:26:31,821 --> 00:26:33,114
Shake it, yeah.

449
00:26:39,329 --> 00:26:40,497
Here's the thing.

450
00:26:40,914 --> 00:26:42,749
Life is an endless series
of train-wrecks...

451
00:26:42,832 --> 00:26:46,419
with only brief, commercial-like
breaks of happiness.

452
00:26:47,337 --> 00:26:50,006
This had been the ultimate
commercial break.

453
00:26:52,509 --> 00:26:53,843
Which meant
it was time to return

454
00:26:53,927 --> 00:26:55,679
to our regularly
scheduled program.

455
00:26:55,804 --> 00:26:57,597
What the...

456
00:26:57,681 --> 00:26:58,807
Oh, my God. Wade?

457
00:27:05,105 --> 00:27:06,356
You're clowning.

458
00:27:06,856 --> 00:27:08,191
You're not clowning?

459
00:27:08,441 --> 00:27:09,442
I sense clowns.

460
00:27:10,026 --> 00:27:13,363
People react to news of
late-stage cancer differently.

461
00:27:13,530 --> 00:27:16,283
There are certainly options
we can look into.

462
00:27:16,366 --> 00:27:18,159
New drugs are being
developed every day.

463
00:27:22,706 --> 00:27:23,832
So what do we do?

464
00:27:24,332 --> 00:27:26,710
Surely there is
something we can do.

465
00:27:27,836 --> 00:27:30,380
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed
with thyroid cancer...

466
00:27:30,505 --> 00:27:32,882
and there were all these new
experimental drugs from Germany.

467
00:27:33,008 --> 00:27:35,552
Vanessa's already
working on Plan A, B,

468
00:27:35,635 --> 00:27:37,345
all the way through Z.

469
00:27:37,637 --> 00:27:41,182
Me? I'm memorizing
the details of her face.

470
00:27:41,850 --> 00:27:44,227
Like it's the first time
I'm seeing it.

471
00:27:44,311 --> 00:27:45,395
Or the last.

472
00:27:45,478 --> 00:27:46,980
Mr. Wilson...

473
00:27:47,063 --> 00:27:48,481
Mr. Wilson?

474
00:27:48,857 --> 00:27:51,151
Take your time to process this.

475
00:27:52,193 --> 00:27:54,070
It's important not to
do anything rash.

476
00:28:05,665 --> 00:28:08,251
Now, if I were
a 200-pound sack

477
00:28:08,376 --> 00:28:10,837
of assholes named Francis,
where would I hide?

478
00:28:14,758 --> 00:28:15,759
Oh.

479
00:28:36,404 --> 00:28:38,198
A hush falls over the crowd

480
00:28:38,281 --> 00:28:40,617
as rookie sensation
Wade W. Wilson...

481
00:28:40,700 --> 00:28:44,120
out of Regina, Saskatchewan,
lines up the shot.

482
00:28:45,955 --> 00:28:47,624
His form looks good.

483
00:28:48,541 --> 00:28:49,626
Oh!

484
00:28:49,751 --> 00:28:53,546
And that's why Regina
rhymes with fun.

485
00:28:54,130 --> 00:28:56,466
Ladies and gentlemen,
what you're witnessing...

486
00:28:56,549 --> 00:28:58,802
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.

487
00:28:59,803 --> 00:29:01,262
Oh! Giving him the business.

488
00:29:01,721 --> 00:29:02,764
Incoming!

489
00:29:03,890 --> 00:29:07,644
This is taking unsportsmanlike
conduct to a whole new level!

490
00:29:12,982 --> 00:29:14,901
Looking good, Francis.
Well rested.

491
00:29:14,984 --> 00:29:16,653
Like you've been pitching,
not catching.

492
00:29:17,237 --> 00:29:19,155
Ringing any bells? No?

493
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:25,412
How about now?

494
00:29:29,416 --> 00:29:31,584
Wade fucking Wilson.

495
00:29:34,087 --> 00:29:35,338
Well, hello, gorgeous.

496
00:29:35,422 --> 00:29:38,341
Yeah, like I got bit
by a radioactive Shar-Pei.

497
00:29:38,466 --> 00:29:41,594
Yeah. And whose fault
is that, huh, Francis?

498
00:29:41,678 --> 00:29:43,680
Yeah, time to undo what
you did to this butterface.

499
00:29:43,763 --> 00:29:45,432
Please, you should thank me.

500
00:29:45,515 --> 00:29:46,766
Apparently, I made you immortal.

501
00:29:47,100 --> 00:29:48,685
I'm actually quite jealous.

502
00:29:48,768 --> 00:29:51,020
Yeah, but this ain't a
life worth living, is it?

503
00:29:53,106 --> 00:29:54,774
Now, I'm about to do to you

504
00:29:54,858 --> 00:29:57,193
what Limp Bizkit did to
music in the late 90s.

505
00:29:59,362 --> 00:30:00,363
Dad?

506
00:30:03,867 --> 00:30:06,536
I think we can all agree
that shit just went sideways

507
00:30:06,619 --> 00:30:08,455
in the most colossal way.

508
00:30:09,497 --> 00:30:11,458
Well, maybe not the most.

509
00:30:11,958 --> 00:30:15,712
Uh... This is
my most prized possession.

510
00:30:16,296 --> 00:30:17,297
Wham?

511
00:30:17,380 --> 00:30:19,215
No, no, no. Wham!

512
00:30:19,716 --> 00:30:23,178
Make It Big is the album that George
and Andy earned the exclamation point.

513
00:30:24,220 --> 00:30:25,805
So, am I supposed to just smile

514
00:30:25,889 --> 00:30:27,140
and wave you out the door?

515
00:30:27,223 --> 00:30:28,641
Think of it like
spring cleaning.

516
00:30:28,725 --> 00:30:30,059
Only if spring was death.

517
00:30:30,185 --> 00:30:32,562
God, if I had a nickel
for every time

518
00:30:32,645 --> 00:30:34,147
I spanked it to
Bernadette Peters.

519
00:30:35,190 --> 00:30:36,608
Sounds like you do.

520
00:30:37,442 --> 00:30:39,277
Bernadette is not
going anywhere,

521
00:30:39,402 --> 00:30:41,279
because you're not
going anywhere.

522
00:30:41,404 --> 00:30:42,405
Drink.

523
00:30:42,572 --> 00:30:43,907
You're right. Cancer
is only in my liver,

524
00:30:44,032 --> 00:30:45,283
lungs, prostate, and brain.

525
00:30:45,408 --> 00:30:46,576
All things I can live without.

526
00:30:47,785 --> 00:30:48,828
Ha.

527
00:30:48,912 --> 00:30:50,872
You belong here at home.

528
00:30:50,955 --> 00:30:52,415
Surrounded by your Voltron

529
00:30:52,540 --> 00:30:54,584
and your Bernadette,
and your me.

530
00:30:55,919 --> 00:30:59,422
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit-show.

531
00:31:01,090 --> 00:31:03,134
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-
opening-for-the.

532
00:31:03,259 --> 00:31:05,970
Spin-Doctors-at-the-
Iowa-State-Fair shit-show.

533
00:31:08,097 --> 00:31:12,644
And under no circumstances
will I take you to that show.

534
00:31:13,978 --> 00:31:15,647
I want you to remember me.

535
00:31:17,148 --> 00:31:18,942
Not the ghost of Christmas me.

536
00:31:19,067 --> 00:31:20,818
Well, I wanna remember us.

537
00:31:21,319 --> 00:31:22,904
I swear to God, I will
find you in the next life...

538
00:31:22,987 --> 00:31:26,074
and I'm gonna boom-box Careless
Whisper outside your window.

539
00:31:26,157 --> 00:31:27,617
Wham!

540
00:31:30,995 --> 00:31:33,998
No one is boom-boxing shit.
Okay?

541
00:31:36,626 --> 00:31:38,002
We can fight this.

542
00:31:41,172 --> 00:31:43,341
Besides, I just
realized something.

543
00:31:44,175 --> 00:31:46,511
You win.
Your life is officially

544
00:31:46,636 --> 00:31:49,305
way more fucked up than mine.

545
00:31:53,685 --> 00:31:54,686
I love you.

546
00:32:06,364 --> 00:32:07,532
Wade.

547
00:32:09,701 --> 00:32:10,868
Weas.

548
00:32:10,994 --> 00:32:13,454
You look like you need
a Blow Job and a shower.

549
00:32:13,538 --> 00:32:15,623
Though courtesy calls
for the latter first.

550
00:32:15,707 --> 00:32:17,333
How about three shots of Patron?

551
00:32:17,458 --> 00:32:21,129
Or how about Triticum
aestivum, wheatgrass.

552
00:32:21,212 --> 00:32:22,547
Excellent for the immune system.

553
00:32:22,672 --> 00:32:24,674
Jesus Christ.
You sound like Vanessa.

554
00:32:24,799 --> 00:32:25,883
Here, check it out.

555
00:32:26,009 --> 00:32:29,345
She's sending away for all these
colorful clinic brochures.

556
00:32:29,512 --> 00:32:31,222
I'm sure they're
all FDA approved.

557
00:32:31,723 --> 00:32:34,559
Chechnya. Isn't that where
you go to get cancer?

558
00:32:34,726 --> 00:32:37,478
You got China
and Central Mexico.

559
00:32:37,895 --> 00:32:40,064
You know how they
say "cancer" in Spanish?

560
00:32:40,231 --> 00:32:41,232
No.

561
00:32:41,899 --> 00:32:43,484
EI Cancer.
Oh.

562
00:32:43,568 --> 00:32:45,403
I could have guessed that.

563
00:32:45,903 --> 00:32:47,280
Look how happy you look here.

564
00:32:47,363 --> 00:32:48,990
Mind if I keep this?
Put it up,

565
00:32:49,073 --> 00:32:51,492
so I can remember
when you looked alive.

566
00:32:51,993 --> 00:32:53,870
At least now I'm gonna
win the dead pool.

567
00:32:53,995 --> 00:32:56,623
Now that you're gonna die
tragically of cancer.

568
00:32:56,706 --> 00:32:58,499
I got it, Weas. Thanks.

569
00:32:58,583 --> 00:32:59,709
Oh.

570
00:33:01,085 --> 00:33:03,630
And, uh, that guy over there
came in looking for you.

571
00:33:03,713 --> 00:33:06,549
Real Grim Reaper type.

572
00:33:06,674 --> 00:33:08,593
I don't know.
Might further the plot.

573
00:33:12,722 --> 00:33:13,723
Boothe.

574
00:33:13,848 --> 00:33:14,932
Wade.

575
00:33:20,188 --> 00:33:21,230
Mr. Wilson.

576
00:33:21,731 --> 00:33:22,857
How can I help you?

577
00:33:22,940 --> 00:33:25,568
Besides luring children
into a panel van.

578
00:33:25,693 --> 00:33:29,280
I understand you've recently been
diagnosed with terminal cancer.

579
00:33:29,405 --> 00:33:30,490
Stalker alert.

580
00:33:30,573 --> 00:33:32,742
It's my job.
Recruitment.

581
00:33:33,451 --> 00:33:35,912
I'm sorry you've had
such a tough go.

582
00:33:37,038 --> 00:33:39,123
But you're a fighter.
Special Forces.

583
00:33:39,374 --> 00:33:41,709
41 confirmed kills.

584
00:33:42,251 --> 00:33:43,586
One every seven weeks.

585
00:33:43,711 --> 00:33:45,963
Same rate most folks
get a haircut. Hmm...

586
00:33:46,756 --> 00:33:47,965
It's to wash the taste out.

587
00:33:48,091 --> 00:33:51,135
It's tough to forget
being so impressive.

588
00:33:51,552 --> 00:33:53,471
And now you spend your days

589
00:33:53,596 --> 00:33:55,473
sticking up for
the little people...

590
00:33:55,598 --> 00:33:57,141
People change.
What do you want?

591
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:00,645
I represent an organization
that may be able to help.

592
00:34:02,605 --> 00:34:06,275
What if I told you
we can cure your cancer?

593
00:34:06,901 --> 00:34:10,988
And what's more, give you
abilities most men only dream of?

594
00:34:14,659 --> 00:34:16,452
I'd say that you sound
like an infomercial,

595
00:34:16,577 --> 00:34:18,663
but not a good one,
like Slap Chop.

596
00:34:18,788 --> 00:34:20,331
More Shake Weight-y.

597
00:34:20,456 --> 00:34:23,418
The world needs
extraordinary soldiers.

598
00:34:23,501 --> 00:34:25,586
We won't just make you better.

599
00:34:25,670 --> 00:34:28,673
We will make you
better than better.

600
00:34:29,674 --> 00:34:30,967
A superhero.

601
00:34:31,300 --> 00:34:34,095
Look, Agent Smith,

602
00:34:34,178 --> 00:34:36,305
I tried the hero business
and it left a mark.

603
00:34:36,764 --> 00:34:39,350
But if I ever hit "fuck it,"
I'll look you up.

604
00:34:40,101 --> 00:34:41,310
Oh, um...

605
00:34:41,811 --> 00:34:43,312
Shit. We're within
500 yards of a school,

606
00:34:43,438 --> 00:34:44,647
so you may wanna...

607
00:34:49,652 --> 00:34:50,862
His drink's on him.

608
00:34:56,534 --> 00:34:58,244
What did he say?

609
00:35:20,892 --> 00:35:22,477
Hey, what's going on?

610
00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:25,021
Hey. Sorry.

611
00:35:26,481 --> 00:35:28,483
I had a Liam Neeson nightmare.

612
00:35:29,358 --> 00:35:30,818
I dreamt I kidnapped
his daughter

613
00:35:30,902 --> 00:35:32,528
and he just wasn't having it.

614
00:35:40,244 --> 00:35:44,415
Hey, uh, they've made
three of those movies.

615
00:35:45,416 --> 00:35:48,586
At some point you have to wonder
if he's just a bad parent.

616
00:35:48,711 --> 00:35:49,712
Hmm.

617
00:36:03,017 --> 00:36:06,604
The worst part about cancer
isn't what it does to you...

618
00:36:07,021 --> 00:36:09,899
but what it does to
the people you love.

619
00:36:10,191 --> 00:36:12,693
Who knew if this guy
could save my life...

620
00:36:12,777 --> 00:36:15,446
but I knew there was only one
way that I could save hers.

621
00:36:19,617 --> 00:36:21,911
Isn't that what superheroes do?

622
00:36:34,257 --> 00:36:38,302
Okay. Let's pro-con
this superhero thing.

623
00:36:38,970 --> 00:36:40,096
Ow.

624
00:36:40,221 --> 00:36:43,099
They pull down
a gaggle of ass.

625
00:36:43,224 --> 00:36:44,559
Local dry cleaning discounts.

626
00:36:44,642 --> 00:36:46,394
Lucrative film deals,
both origin stories

627
00:36:46,477 --> 00:36:48,604
and larger ensemble team movies.

628
00:36:48,729 --> 00:36:51,524
They're all lame-ass
teacher's pets.

629
00:36:51,858 --> 00:36:53,568
You know, I can hear you.

630
00:36:53,651 --> 00:36:56,529
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to them.

631
00:36:56,612 --> 00:36:58,322
Stay right here.

632
00:36:58,990 --> 00:37:01,075
You've been
warned before, Deadpool.

633
00:37:01,325 --> 00:37:04,912
This is a shameful and
reckless use of your powers.

634
00:37:04,996 --> 00:37:07,081
You will both be coming with us.

635
00:37:07,164 --> 00:37:09,000
Look, Colossus,
I don't have time for

636
00:37:09,125 --> 00:37:11,127
the goody two-shoes
bullshit right now!

637
00:37:11,252 --> 00:37:13,087
And you are?

638
00:37:14,672 --> 00:37:16,465
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

639
00:37:16,591 --> 00:37:19,969
Negasonic Teenage...
What the shit?

640
00:37:20,094 --> 00:37:21,846
That's the coolest name ever!

641
00:37:23,347 --> 00:37:25,933
So, what, you're like,
uh, his sidekick?

642
00:37:26,017 --> 00:37:27,476
No. Trainee.

643
00:37:27,602 --> 00:37:28,978
Let me guess.

644
00:37:29,103 --> 00:37:31,522
X-Men left you behind
on what? Shit detail?

645
00:37:31,647 --> 00:37:32,690
What does that make you?

646
00:37:32,815 --> 00:37:35,151
Pretending you're not here,
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

647
00:37:35,276 --> 00:37:36,485
Can we trade names?

648
00:37:36,611 --> 00:37:38,112
Can we go?

649
00:37:38,195 --> 00:37:40,531
Look!
I'm a teenage girl.

650
00:37:40,656 --> 00:37:42,783
I'd rather be
anywhere than here.

651
00:37:42,867 --> 00:37:45,036
I'm all about
long sullen silences...

652
00:37:45,161 --> 00:37:48,623
followed by mean comments,
followed by more silences.

653
00:37:49,040 --> 00:37:52,251
So what's it gonna be, huh?
Long sullen silence...

654
00:37:52,335 --> 00:37:54,879
or mean comment? Go on.

655
00:37:56,213 --> 00:37:57,340
You got me in a box here.

656
00:37:57,465 --> 00:37:58,466
Aha!

657
00:37:58,549 --> 00:38:00,468
We can't allow this, Deadpool.

658
00:38:00,551 --> 00:38:01,969
Please, come quietly.

659
00:38:02,053 --> 00:38:04,305
You big chrome
cock-gobbler!

660
00:38:04,388 --> 00:38:05,389
That's not nice.

661
00:38:05,473 --> 00:38:06,974
You're really gonna
fuck this up for me?

662
00:38:07,308 --> 00:38:11,646
Trust me, that wheezing bag
of dick-tips has it coming.

663
00:38:11,729 --> 00:38:14,315
He's pure evil.

664
00:38:14,690 --> 00:38:17,985
Besides...
Nobody's getting hurt.

665
00:38:23,240 --> 00:38:25,409
That guy was already up there
when I got here.

666
00:38:25,534 --> 00:38:28,537
Wade, you are better than this.

667
00:38:28,829 --> 00:38:31,165
Join us.
Use your powers for good.

668
00:38:31,248 --> 00:38:32,249
Heads up.

669
00:38:32,375 --> 00:38:33,584
Be a superhero.

670
00:38:33,709 --> 00:38:34,669
Listen!

671
00:38:34,752 --> 00:38:37,088
The day I decide to become a
crime-fighting shit-swizzler...

672
00:38:37,213 --> 00:38:40,508
who rooms with a bunch of other little
whiners at the Neverland mansion...

673
00:38:40,591 --> 00:38:45,429
of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's
Gate-looking motherfucker...

674
00:38:45,554 --> 00:38:47,264
on that day...

675
00:38:47,390 --> 00:38:49,517
I'll send your shiny,
happy ass a friend request.

676
00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:52,103
But until then, I'mma do
what I came here to do.

677
00:38:52,228 --> 00:38:54,855
Either that or slap
the bitch outta you!

678
00:38:54,939 --> 00:38:56,190
Wade...
Hey.

679
00:38:56,273 --> 00:38:57,400
Zip it, Sinéad!

680
00:38:57,525 --> 00:38:58,484
Hey, douche-pool!

681
00:38:58,567 --> 00:38:59,860
And I hope you're watching...

682
00:39:04,615 --> 00:39:06,409
Quite unfortunate.

683
00:39:09,787 --> 00:39:12,039
That does it!

684
00:39:13,457 --> 00:39:14,458
Oh!

685
00:39:14,792 --> 00:39:17,795
Canada!

686
00:39:19,088 --> 00:39:20,047
That's not good.

687
00:39:20,131 --> 00:39:21,257
Wade, please.

688
00:39:21,382 --> 00:39:23,801
Cock shot!

689
00:39:24,260 --> 00:39:25,928
Oh, your poor wife.

690
00:39:26,053 --> 00:39:27,805
You really should stop.

691
00:39:31,434 --> 00:39:33,811
All the dinosaurs
feared the T. rex.

692
00:39:38,482 --> 00:39:40,609
I promise this gets
worse for you, big boy!

693
00:39:40,735 --> 00:39:42,570
This is embarrassing.

694
00:39:42,653 --> 00:39:44,447
Please, stay down.

695
00:39:45,489 --> 00:39:47,908
You ever hear of the one-legged
man in the ass-kicking contest?

696
00:39:47,992 --> 00:39:49,410
Do you have off switch?

697
00:39:49,493 --> 00:39:51,120
Yeah, it's right next
to the prostate.

698
00:39:51,245 --> 00:39:52,288
Or is that the on switch?

699
00:39:52,413 --> 00:39:54,415
Enough!

700
00:40:03,007 --> 00:40:04,842
Let us go talk to the Professor.

701
00:40:05,342 --> 00:40:07,094
McAvoy or Stewart?

702
00:40:07,178 --> 00:40:09,430
These timelines
are so confusing.

703
00:40:10,765 --> 00:40:13,350
"Dead or alive,
you're coming with me!"

704
00:40:13,476 --> 00:40:15,019
You will recover, Wade.

705
00:40:15,311 --> 00:40:16,812
You always do.

706
00:40:21,442 --> 00:40:24,862
You ever see 127 Hours?
Spoiler alert.

707
00:40:28,616 --> 00:40:29,700
Oh, my God.

708
00:40:29,825 --> 00:40:30,868
Nasty.

709
00:40:33,996 --> 00:40:35,289
Oh, there's
the money shot, baby.

710
00:40:36,540 --> 00:40:38,501
Are You There God?
It's Me, Margaret.

711
00:40:49,512 --> 00:40:51,889
Rock, meet bottom.

712
00:40:52,389 --> 00:40:55,392
And when life ends up
breathtakingly fucked...

713
00:40:55,684 --> 00:40:59,855
you can generally trace it
back to one big, bad decision.

714
00:40:59,980 --> 00:41:03,109
The one that sent you
down the road to Shitsburgh.

715
00:41:03,192 --> 00:41:05,986
This? Well, this was mine.

716
00:41:06,862 --> 00:41:08,239
Mr. Wilson.

717
00:41:09,698 --> 00:41:14,120
Nothing warms my heart more than
a change of someone else's.

718
00:41:14,203 --> 00:41:15,913
You finally hit "fuck it."

719
00:41:17,081 --> 00:41:19,083
Just promise
you'll do right by me.

720
00:41:19,750 --> 00:41:21,752
So I can do right
by someone else.

721
00:41:21,877 --> 00:41:23,045
Of course.

722
00:41:23,712 --> 00:41:25,548
And please don't make
the super-suit green.

723
00:41:26,757 --> 00:41:28,259
Or animated.

724
00:41:34,765 --> 00:41:36,350
Move it! Keep moving.

725
00:41:48,445 --> 00:41:50,573
This place seems sanitary.

726
00:41:51,407 --> 00:41:53,534
My first request
is warmer hands.

727
00:41:53,617 --> 00:41:57,413
Oh! And, Jesus,
a warmer table.

728
00:41:58,956 --> 00:42:01,125
We should really come up
with a safe word, fellas.

729
00:42:01,250 --> 00:42:03,085
I'm thinking
"pork and beans."

730
00:42:06,463 --> 00:42:08,591
Easy.

731
00:42:10,593 --> 00:42:12,803
Aren't you a little
strong for a lady?

732
00:42:13,596 --> 00:42:14,972
I'm calling wang.

733
00:42:18,934 --> 00:42:20,102
What's up with the matches?

734
00:42:20,436 --> 00:42:23,105
Oral fixation
or just a big Stallone fan?

735
00:42:24,648 --> 00:42:25,941
Patience, Angel.

736
00:42:26,942 --> 00:42:28,485
All in good time.

737
00:42:28,652 --> 00:42:30,613
Are you here for the
turndown service, or what?

738
00:42:32,156 --> 00:42:33,240
We have another talker.

739
00:42:33,324 --> 00:42:35,242
I'm just excited about my
first day at superhero camp.

740
00:42:35,326 --> 00:42:37,494
Shut the fuck up.

741
00:42:40,789 --> 00:42:42,750
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.

742
00:42:43,792 --> 00:42:45,836
I manage this workshop.

743
00:42:46,962 --> 00:42:50,174
Ah, my welcome speech used to
be full of euphemisms like...

744
00:42:50,299 --> 00:42:51,717
"This may hurt a little."

745
00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:53,802
"This may cause you
some discomfort."

746
00:42:53,928 --> 00:42:56,180
But I've grown blunt.

747
00:42:56,305 --> 00:42:58,849
This workshop is not
a government-led program.

748
00:42:58,974 --> 00:43:02,519
It's a private institution that turns
reclamation projects like yourself...

749
00:43:02,645 --> 00:43:05,981
into men of
extraordinary abilities.

750
00:43:07,650 --> 00:43:10,861
But if you think super-human
powers are acquired painlessly...

751
00:43:11,820 --> 00:43:13,197
Wrong.

752
00:43:13,322 --> 00:43:14,782
I'm injecting you
with a serum...

753
00:43:14,865 --> 00:43:17,534
that activates any mutant
genes lurking in your DNA.

754
00:43:17,660 --> 00:43:21,538
For it to work we need to
subject you to extreme stress.

755
00:43:27,002 --> 00:43:30,214
You've heard that whole "make an
omelet, break some eggs" bit, right?

756
00:43:31,048 --> 00:43:32,508
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.

757
00:43:33,676 --> 00:43:36,178
I was a patient here once
myself, you know.

758
00:43:36,720 --> 00:43:39,223
The treatment affects
everyone differently.

759
00:43:39,556 --> 00:43:42,393
It made Angel inhumanly strong.

760
00:43:42,726 --> 00:43:46,730
In my case,
it enhanced my reflexes.

761
00:43:47,231 --> 00:43:50,192
Also scorched my nerve endings,
so I no longer feel pain.

762
00:43:51,902 --> 00:43:55,739
And, in fact,
I no longer feel anything.

763
00:44:04,248 --> 00:44:07,042
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.

764
00:44:07,376 --> 00:44:09,086
You have something
in your teeth.

765
00:44:10,045 --> 00:44:12,172
Right in the middle there.
Just, I don't...

766
00:44:12,256 --> 00:44:15,301
A little nugget of romaine
lettuce or something.

767
00:44:17,219 --> 00:44:19,596
It's been bothering me
for a long time.

768
00:44:21,056 --> 00:44:22,099
Ah, made you look.

769
00:44:22,391 --> 00:44:24,018
Hey, is Ajax your actual name?

770
00:44:24,101 --> 00:44:25,811
Because it sounds
suspiciously made up.

771
00:44:25,894 --> 00:44:26,979
What is it, really?

772
00:44:27,062 --> 00:44:29,315
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?

773
00:44:29,398 --> 00:44:31,025
Mitch? The Rickster?

774
00:44:31,775 --> 00:44:33,277
Is it Basil Fawlty?

775
00:44:33,610 --> 00:44:35,112
Oh, joke away.

776
00:44:35,571 --> 00:44:36,864
One thing that never
survives this place

777
00:44:36,947 --> 00:44:38,449
is a sense of humor.

778
00:44:38,949 --> 00:44:40,075
We'll see about that.

779
00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:41,577
I suppose we will.

780
00:44:42,953 --> 00:44:44,496
He's all yours.

781
00:44:44,580 --> 00:44:45,581
Oh, come on.

782
00:44:46,290 --> 00:44:47,708
You're gonna leave me
all alone here

783
00:44:47,791 --> 00:44:49,418
with less-angry
Rosie O'Donnell?

784
00:44:53,797 --> 00:44:55,841
This is how it's going to work.

785
00:44:55,924 --> 00:44:58,927
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst
for the serum...

786
00:44:59,595 --> 00:45:02,097
so we're going
to have to make you suffer.

787
00:45:03,807 --> 00:45:05,726
If you're lucky,
the mutant genes will activate

788
00:45:05,809 --> 00:45:08,645
and manifest in
a spectacular fashion.

789
00:45:12,941 --> 00:45:15,736
If not, well, we'll
have to keep on hurting you...

790
00:45:17,613 --> 00:45:18,822
in new and different ways,

791
00:45:18,947 --> 00:45:20,324
each more painful
than the last...

792
00:45:22,993 --> 00:45:25,329
until you finally mutate.

793
00:45:26,955 --> 00:45:28,165
Or die.

794
00:45:35,005 --> 00:45:36,590
You mean a bucket list?

795
00:45:36,673 --> 00:45:38,926
Like a fuck-it list.

796
00:45:39,009 --> 00:45:40,260
I'd really like
to light a spliff

797
00:45:40,344 --> 00:45:41,678
off the Olympic torch.

798
00:45:42,304 --> 00:45:44,098
Pass it to me right after.

799
00:45:44,181 --> 00:45:47,601
Let's not forget naked
tandem base-jumping

800
00:45:47,684 --> 00:45:50,145
with the WNBA's
Sacramento Monarchs.

801
00:45:51,188 --> 00:45:54,316
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.

802
00:45:54,817 --> 00:45:57,694
Finally, giving Meredith
Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven.

803
00:45:57,986 --> 00:46:01,156
No. Receiving a Dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter-Birney.

804
00:46:05,828 --> 00:46:09,206
Making banana pancakes
for my kids.

805
00:46:12,668 --> 00:46:14,711
Vanessa.

806
00:46:18,215 --> 00:46:20,551
I wanna see Vanessa.

807
00:46:20,676 --> 00:46:21,969
You're lovely.

808
00:46:22,052 --> 00:46:25,431
I don't know about
anyone else, but I'm touched.

809
00:46:25,514 --> 00:46:26,515
We were just joking.

810
00:46:26,598 --> 00:46:28,892
No, no. It's okay.

811
00:46:30,060 --> 00:46:31,728
I encourage distractions.

812
00:46:32,521 --> 00:46:34,815
Wouldn't want you giving up
on us, now would we?

813
00:46:34,898 --> 00:46:36,733
Hey, don't take any shit
from him, Cunningham.

814
00:46:37,734 --> 00:46:40,028
How tough can he be...

815
00:46:40,195 --> 00:46:43,073
with a name like Francis?

816
00:46:43,699 --> 00:46:44,741
Francis?

817
00:46:45,075 --> 00:46:46,535
That's his legal name.

818
00:46:47,077 --> 00:46:50,581
He got "Ajax"
from the dish soap.

819
00:46:52,583 --> 00:46:56,211
F, R, A, N, C, I...

820
00:46:56,753 --> 00:46:58,046
Oops!

821
00:46:59,882 --> 00:47:02,718
Snagged the dry cleaning tag
off your lab coat.

822
00:47:04,595 --> 00:47:07,014
FYI, I could probably get you
the superhero discount.

823
00:47:07,097 --> 00:47:08,474
You are so
relentlessly annoying.

824
00:47:08,557 --> 00:47:09,558
Thanks.

825
00:47:09,641 --> 00:47:10,851
Never heard that before.

826
00:47:10,934 --> 00:47:14,146
Why don't you do us all
a favor and shut the fuck up?

827
00:47:14,229 --> 00:47:16,231
Or I'll sew
your pretty mouth shut.

828
00:47:16,732 --> 00:47:17,941
Oh...

829
00:47:18,066 --> 00:47:19,610
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.

830
00:47:19,776 --> 00:47:21,236
See, here's the problem with

831
00:47:21,361 --> 00:47:23,030
round-the-clock torture...

832
00:47:23,113 --> 00:47:26,074
is that you can't really
step it up from there.

833
00:47:28,744 --> 00:47:31,079
Is that what you think?

834
00:47:36,293 --> 00:47:38,795
If this doesn't unlock
your mutation, then, well...

835
00:47:39,630 --> 00:47:40,964
nothing will.

836
00:47:41,423 --> 00:47:42,549
Now, what we're going to do is

837
00:47:42,633 --> 00:47:44,343
lower the oxygen
concentration in the air...

838
00:47:44,426 --> 00:47:47,095
to the exact point you feel
like you're suffocating.

839
00:47:47,304 --> 00:47:48,555
If your brainwaves slow,

840
00:47:48,639 --> 00:47:50,474
meaning you're
about to pass out...

841
00:47:51,141 --> 00:47:52,309
then we'll turn up the O2.

842
00:47:53,310 --> 00:47:54,728
If your heart rate slows...

843
00:47:54,811 --> 00:47:57,439
meaning you're able
to catch your breath...

844
00:47:57,606 --> 00:47:58,941
we'll turn it back down.

845
00:47:59,608 --> 00:48:01,068
And that's where
we'll leave you.

846
00:48:01,151 --> 00:48:03,278
Right there.

847
00:48:03,612 --> 00:48:05,864
Oh, and I thought
you guys were dicks before.

848
00:48:05,948 --> 00:48:08,325
You know
the funniest part of this?

849
00:48:09,117 --> 00:48:11,495
You still think we're making
you a superhero.

850
00:48:12,329 --> 00:48:15,791
You. A dishonorable discharge.

851
00:48:16,500 --> 00:48:18,627
Hip-deep in hookers.

852
00:48:19,294 --> 00:48:20,963
You're nothing.

853
00:48:21,838 --> 00:48:23,340
Little secret, Wade.

854
00:48:24,174 --> 00:48:26,009
This workshop
doesn't make superheroes,

855
00:48:26,134 --> 00:48:28,303
we make super-slaves.

856
00:48:29,346 --> 00:48:31,056
We're gonna fit you
with a control collar

857
00:48:31,139 --> 00:48:33,141
and auction you off
to the highest bidder.

858
00:48:33,850 --> 00:48:35,310
Who knows what
they'll have you doing?

859
00:48:36,144 --> 00:48:39,523
Terrorizing citizens,
putting down freedom fighters.

860
00:48:41,692 --> 00:48:44,528
Maybe just mow
the occasional lawn.

861
00:48:45,028 --> 00:48:47,531
What the fuck is wrong with you?

862
00:48:52,828 --> 00:48:55,497
You're never going home
after this.

863
00:48:55,664 --> 00:48:57,874
Now there's a brave face.

864
00:48:58,875 --> 00:49:00,502
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.

865
00:49:02,838 --> 00:49:06,717
Seriously, you actually have
something in your teeth now.

866
00:49:08,677 --> 00:49:10,012
Enjoy your weekend.

867
00:49:10,387 --> 00:49:12,055
"Weekend"? Back up.

868
00:49:12,180 --> 00:49:13,348
Weekend?

869
00:49:55,057 --> 00:49:57,100
Did I say this was a love story?

870
00:49:57,225 --> 00:49:59,603
No, it's a horror movie.

871
00:50:16,119 --> 00:50:18,205
Fucking hell.

872
00:50:18,288 --> 00:50:21,458
Looks like someone lost his
shot at Homecoming King.

873
00:50:21,625 --> 00:50:23,585
What have you done to me?

874
00:50:23,794 --> 00:50:25,128
I've merely raised
your stress levels

875
00:50:25,253 --> 00:50:26,963
high enough
to trigger a mutation.

876
00:50:27,130 --> 00:50:29,299
You sadistic fuck!

877
00:50:29,966 --> 00:50:31,468
I've cured you, Wade.

878
00:50:32,302 --> 00:50:33,970
Now your mutated cells
can heal anything.

879
00:50:35,097 --> 00:50:37,808
It's attacking your cancer
as fast as it can form.

880
00:50:39,101 --> 00:50:41,645
Yeah, I've seen similar
side-effects before.

881
00:50:42,979 --> 00:50:43,980
I could cure them...

882
00:50:47,609 --> 00:50:49,277
but where's the fun in that?

883
00:50:51,613 --> 00:50:54,157
Now, I'm gonna
shut you in again, Wade.

884
00:50:55,951 --> 00:50:57,953
Not because I need to.

885
00:51:01,832 --> 00:51:03,625
Because I want to.

886
00:51:18,014 --> 00:51:19,141
Oh, well.

887
00:51:19,516 --> 00:51:20,767
Go ahead.

888
00:51:23,812 --> 00:51:25,522
Oh, you smell like shit.

889
00:51:26,815 --> 00:51:28,775
Whoa!

890
00:51:28,859 --> 00:51:29,860
Motherfucker.

891
00:51:30,819 --> 00:51:32,696
Hey, hey, hey. It's all
right, it's all right.

892
00:51:33,822 --> 00:51:35,741
I think we owe him
that one, yeah?

893
00:51:35,824 --> 00:51:38,201
You take off. Go on.

894
00:51:38,994 --> 00:51:40,328
Off you go.

895
00:51:51,339 --> 00:51:53,008
Quick question.

896
00:51:55,218 --> 00:51:57,220
What's my name?

897
00:52:03,018 --> 00:52:04,352
Didn't think so.

898
00:52:06,229 --> 00:52:08,982
Sorry, Francis.
My lips are sealed.

899
00:54:05,473 --> 00:54:06,766
You don't want to kill me.

900
00:54:06,850 --> 00:54:09,185
I'm the only one
who can fix your ugly mug.

901
00:55:05,909 --> 00:55:07,410
What's my name?

902
00:55:13,583 --> 00:55:14,751
Wade.

903
00:56:22,110 --> 00:56:25,155
I didn't just get
the cure to el cancer...

904
00:56:26,656 --> 00:56:29,325
I got the cure to el everything.

905
00:56:32,996 --> 00:56:35,123
But there was only one thing...

906
00:56:35,290 --> 00:56:36,958
that really mattered.

907
00:57:06,362 --> 00:57:07,363
Come on, let's go.

908
00:57:12,827 --> 00:57:15,497
Oh, that must hurt.

909
00:57:16,498 --> 00:57:17,999
Thank you so much.

910
00:57:29,886 --> 00:57:32,055
God, he's so fucking gnarly.

911
00:57:32,180 --> 00:57:33,556
Look at his face.

912
00:57:33,681 --> 00:57:35,975
Oh, my God. Poor guy.

913
00:57:36,059 --> 00:57:37,060
Honey, don't stare.

914
00:57:37,227 --> 00:57:38,394
Freak.

915
00:57:58,748 --> 00:58:02,085
No way. I'm not making
her life as ugly as mine.

916
00:58:02,377 --> 00:58:04,754
Come on, Wade,
it can't be that bad.

917
00:58:05,004 --> 00:58:06,214
Ah, bullshit!

918
00:58:06,381 --> 00:58:09,551
I'm a monster inside and out.
I belong in a fucking circus.

919
00:58:09,676 --> 00:58:12,220
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you...

920
00:58:12,345 --> 00:58:13,721
Oh! Oh.

921
00:58:14,013 --> 00:58:15,098
Do you like what you see?

922
00:58:15,223 --> 00:58:16,391
No.

923
00:58:16,891 --> 00:58:18,351
You look like an avocado

924
00:58:18,434 --> 00:58:20,770
had sex with an older,
more disgusting avocado.

925
00:58:20,895 --> 00:58:21,896
Yeah.

926
00:58:22,063 --> 00:58:24,065
Not gently.
Like it was hate-fucking.

927
00:58:24,232 --> 00:58:26,025
There was something wrong
with the relationship...

928
00:58:26,109 --> 00:58:27,944
and that was the only catharsis

929
00:58:28,069 --> 00:58:29,696
that they could find
without violence.

930
00:58:29,904 --> 00:58:32,323
And the only guy
who can fix this fugly mug...

931
00:58:32,407 --> 00:58:35,076
is the British shitstick
who ran the mutant factory.

932
00:58:35,243 --> 00:58:36,953
And he's gone. Poof!

933
00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:38,830
Yeah, well you gotta do
something to remedy this...

934
00:58:38,913 --> 00:58:39,998
because as of now,

935
00:58:40,081 --> 00:58:41,791
you only have
one course of action.

936
00:58:41,958 --> 00:58:43,084
Damn straight.

937
00:58:43,251 --> 00:58:45,003
Find Francis.
Star in horror films.

938
00:58:45,086 --> 00:58:46,087
What?

939
00:58:46,254 --> 00:58:48,214
Star in your own horror films.

940
00:58:48,298 --> 00:58:49,716
Because you look
like Freddy Krueger

941
00:58:49,799 --> 00:58:52,260
face-fucked
a topographical map of Utah.

942
00:58:53,094 --> 00:58:54,846
Here's what
I'm actually gonna do.

943
00:58:54,929 --> 00:58:56,014
I'm gonna work through his crew

944
00:58:56,097 --> 00:58:57,515
until somebody
gives up Francis...

945
00:58:57,599 --> 00:58:59,976
force him to fix this, then
put a bullet in his skull...

946
00:59:00,101 --> 00:59:01,686
and fuck the brain hole.

947
00:59:01,769 --> 00:59:04,772
I don't wanna see that
or think of it again.

948
00:59:04,898 --> 00:59:06,608
But the douchebag does
thinks you're dead, right?

949
00:59:06,691 --> 00:59:07,525
Yeah.

950
00:59:08,151 --> 00:59:09,736
That's good.
You should keep it that way.

951
00:59:09,819 --> 00:59:11,487
What, like, wear a mask?

952
00:59:11,613 --> 00:59:14,490
Yes. A very thick mask.
All the time.

953
00:59:15,116 --> 00:59:16,201
I am sorry...

954
00:59:16,284 --> 00:59:18,786
you are haunting.

955
00:59:18,953 --> 00:59:20,872
Your face is
the stuff of nightmares.

956
00:59:20,955 --> 00:59:22,248
Like a testicle with teeth.

957
00:59:22,332 --> 00:59:24,042
You will die alone.

958
00:59:24,125 --> 00:59:25,793
I mean, if you could die.

959
00:59:26,336 --> 00:59:28,338
Ideally, for others' sake.

960
00:59:28,463 --> 00:59:29,631
That'll do.

961
00:59:29,964 --> 00:59:31,716
All you need now is a suit
and a nickname...

962
00:59:31,799 --> 00:59:33,635
like Wade the Wisecracker...

963
00:59:34,135 --> 00:59:37,180
or Scaredevil,
Mr. Neverdie.

964
00:59:37,805 --> 00:59:39,140
Oh, shit.

965
00:59:39,641 --> 00:59:40,808
What?

966
00:59:41,643 --> 00:59:43,561
I put all my money
on you and now...

967
00:59:43,645 --> 00:59:45,063
I just realized I'm never
gonna win the, uh...

968
00:59:45,146 --> 00:59:46,189
Dead pool.

969
00:59:50,151 --> 00:59:52,487
Captain Deadpool...

970
00:59:54,322 --> 00:59:55,406
No, just...

971
00:59:55,490 --> 00:59:57,033
Just Deadpool, yeah.
Just Deadpool.

972
00:59:57,325 --> 00:59:59,202
To you, Mr. Pool.

973
00:59:59,494 --> 01:00:00,495
Deadpool.

974
01:00:00,662 --> 01:00:01,996
That sounds like
a fucking franchise.

975
01:00:16,678 --> 01:00:18,680
This shit's gonna
have nuts in it.

976
01:00:19,347 --> 01:00:20,848
Where's Francis?

977
01:00:34,862 --> 01:00:36,531
Where's Francis?

978
01:00:44,872 --> 01:00:46,874
Seltzer water
and lemon for blood.

979
01:00:48,209 --> 01:00:51,045
Or wear red. Dumbass.

980
01:01:09,772 --> 01:01:11,232
Don't make me ask twice.

981
01:01:12,608 --> 01:01:13,901
Where...

982
01:01:14,068 --> 01:01:16,237
is Francis?

983
01:01:16,738 --> 01:01:18,448
He made me ask twice.

984
01:01:18,573 --> 01:01:20,575
Is the mask muffling my voice?

985
01:01:25,288 --> 01:01:26,748
Where's Francis?

986
01:01:29,417 --> 01:01:31,252
Where the fuck is Francis?

987
01:01:39,927 --> 01:01:43,139
You're about to be killed
by a Zamboni.

988
01:01:43,306 --> 01:01:44,515
Where's Francis?

989
01:01:45,933 --> 01:01:47,101
No! Please!

990
01:01:47,769 --> 01:01:50,563
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!

991
01:01:51,773 --> 01:01:54,317
Oh! You little
spider monkey!

992
01:01:57,445 --> 01:02:00,907
Where... is... Francis?

993
01:02:02,116 --> 01:02:03,242
This is confusing.

994
01:02:03,326 --> 01:02:04,660
Is it sexist to hit you?

995
01:02:04,786 --> 01:02:06,245
Is it more sexist
to not hit you?

996
01:02:06,329 --> 01:02:08,623
I mean, the line
gets real... blurry.

997
01:02:09,791 --> 01:02:10,958
WHERE IS FRANCIS?

998
01:02:12,502 --> 01:02:14,462
Tell me where
your fucking boss is

999
01:02:14,629 --> 01:02:15,797
or you're gonna die!

1000
01:02:16,464 --> 01:02:18,007
In five minutes!

1001
01:02:28,142 --> 01:02:29,977
Don't hesitate to call me.

1002
01:02:45,535 --> 01:02:47,703
Nice to see you, Jared.

1003
01:02:48,871 --> 01:02:50,331
I'll take the footlong...

1004
01:02:50,665 --> 01:02:51,666
Fully loaded.

1005
01:03:05,847 --> 01:03:07,181
Whoa, whoa!

1006
01:03:07,348 --> 01:03:08,850
41 confirmed kills.

1007
01:03:09,016 --> 01:03:11,352
Now it's 89.
About to be 90.

1008
01:03:12,186 --> 01:03:13,187
Mr. Wilson?

1009
01:03:13,354 --> 01:03:14,355
Ding-ding.

1010
01:03:15,189 --> 01:03:17,358
You're looking very alive.

1011
01:03:17,567 --> 01:03:19,235
Ha! Only on the outside!

1012
01:03:19,902 --> 01:03:21,404
This is not going to
end well for me, is it?

1013
01:03:21,529 --> 01:03:22,780
This is not gonna
end well for you, no.

1014
01:03:22,864 --> 01:03:23,990
Where's your boss?

1015
01:03:24,073 --> 01:03:25,616
I can tell you exactly...

1016
01:03:27,410 --> 01:03:29,370
Oh, you'll tell me.
But first...

1017
01:03:29,871 --> 01:03:32,123
You might wanna
look away for this.

1018
01:03:32,206 --> 01:03:33,499
Now this little piggy went to...

1019
01:03:35,585 --> 01:03:37,879
Thank you, Agent Smith.

1020
01:03:41,549 --> 01:03:42,550
Taxi!

1021
01:03:44,051 --> 01:03:46,304
Hop in! Great day for a ride.

1022
01:03:48,222 --> 01:03:49,599
And we all know
how this turned out.

1023
01:03:52,560 --> 01:03:54,770
Whoops!
You weren't meant to see that.

1024
01:04:02,737 --> 01:04:04,572
There. All caught up.

1025
01:04:12,580 --> 01:04:14,415
We're here.

1026
01:04:15,082 --> 01:04:18,419
Sorry about bleeding
in all your garbage.

1027
01:04:24,759 --> 01:04:26,761
Seltzer water and
lemon for blood.

1028
01:04:27,261 --> 01:04:28,262
Whoo!

1029
01:04:28,930 --> 01:04:31,474
Some kinds of anger
can't be managed...

1030
01:04:31,599 --> 01:04:33,684
like the kind where
your year-long plan

1031
01:04:33,768 --> 01:04:36,604
ends with the wrong guy
getting dismembered!

1032
01:04:37,271 --> 01:04:40,066
That said, when it comes time
to licking wounds,

1033
01:04:40,149 --> 01:04:41,776
there's no place like home.

1034
01:04:42,443 --> 01:04:44,487
Ah, and I share that home
with someone you've met,

1035
01:04:44,612 --> 01:04:46,948
the old blind lady
from the laundromat, Al.

1036
01:04:47,281 --> 01:04:48,824
God, I miss cocaine.

1037
01:04:49,158 --> 01:04:50,159
Her.

1038
01:04:50,326 --> 01:04:53,955
Fourth-wall break
inside a fourth-wall break.

1039
01:04:54,121 --> 01:04:56,666
That's like 16 walls.

1040
01:04:57,291 --> 01:04:58,751
She's like Robin to my Batman,

1041
01:04:58,834 --> 01:05:02,505
except she's old,
and black, and blind.

1042
01:05:02,797 --> 01:05:04,340
And I think
she's in love with me.

1043
01:05:04,799 --> 01:05:08,177
Wait, pretty sure
Robin loves Batman, too.

1044
01:05:18,187 --> 01:05:19,188
Al?

1045
01:05:21,649 --> 01:05:22,858
Morning, sleepyhead.

1046
01:05:24,485 --> 01:05:26,529
It smells like
old lady pants in here.

1047
01:05:26,696 --> 01:05:28,489
Yes, I'm old.
I wear pants.

1048
01:05:28,698 --> 01:05:30,324
But you're no lady.

1049
01:05:30,533 --> 01:05:33,160
Oh! So comfy.

1050
01:05:33,869 --> 01:05:36,831
Upside of being blind:
I've never seen you in Crocs.

1051
01:05:36,998 --> 01:05:38,291
You mean my big,
rubber masturbating shoes?

1052
01:05:38,374 --> 01:05:39,500
Yes, I know.

1053
01:05:40,001 --> 01:05:42,545
Downside of being blind...

1054
01:05:42,712 --> 01:05:44,880
I hear everything
in this duplex.

1055
01:05:47,216 --> 01:05:48,342
Sit on a stick.

1056
01:05:48,467 --> 01:05:49,468
Bactin?

1057
01:05:49,552 --> 01:05:53,681
Yeah. Bactin should do it.

1058
01:05:54,849 --> 01:05:56,475
How's that Kullen coming along?

1059
01:05:56,559 --> 01:05:58,519
IKEA doesn't assemble itself,
you know.

1060
01:05:58,686 --> 01:06:01,522
You're telling me.
I don't mind the Kullen.

1061
01:06:01,689 --> 01:06:03,566
It's an improvement
on the Hurdal.

1062
01:06:04,233 --> 01:06:06,736
Please. Anything's an
improvement over the Hurdal.

1063
01:06:06,902 --> 01:06:10,406
I'd have taken an Hemnes
or a Trysil over the Hurdal.

1064
01:06:11,032 --> 01:06:13,784
Oh, no, I didn't get excited
till I saw the Kullen.

1065
01:06:13,868 --> 01:06:14,910
Screw, please.

1066
01:06:15,077 --> 01:06:16,370
Here? Now?
Just kidding.

1067
01:06:16,537 --> 01:06:17,663
I know it's been decades.

1068
01:06:17,747 --> 01:06:18,873
You'd be surprised.

1069
01:06:19,582 --> 01:06:20,708
Pretty grossed out.

1070
01:06:22,710 --> 01:06:25,087
Ta... Da.

1071
01:06:30,885 --> 01:06:34,055
I wish I never heard
of Craigslist.

1072
01:06:34,430 --> 01:06:35,681
And I quote,
"Looking for roommate,

1073
01:06:35,765 --> 01:06:37,016
"blind to life's imperfections.

1074
01:06:37,099 --> 01:06:38,184
"Must be good with hands."

1075
01:06:38,267 --> 01:06:40,478
Or would you rather I build
the IKEA: and you pay rent?

1076
01:06:40,561 --> 01:06:42,438
Why such a douche this morning?

1077
01:06:43,230 --> 01:06:44,315
Let's recap.

1078
01:06:44,398 --> 01:06:46,567
The cock thistle that
turned me into this freak...

1079
01:06:46,734 --> 01:06:48,402
slipped through my arms today...

1080
01:06:50,071 --> 01:06:51,238
Arm.

1081
01:06:51,739 --> 01:06:52,740
Catching him was my only chance

1082
01:06:52,907 --> 01:06:54,825
to be hot again,
get my super sexy ex back...

1083
01:06:54,909 --> 01:06:57,161
and prevent this shit from
happening to someone else.

1084
01:06:57,244 --> 01:06:59,163
So, yeah,
today was about as much fun

1085
01:06:59,246 --> 01:07:00,956
as a sandpaper dildo.

1086
01:07:21,936 --> 01:07:23,938
Found out who our friend
in the red suit is.

1087
01:07:26,273 --> 01:07:28,109
Fucking Wade Wilson.

1088
01:07:29,110 --> 01:07:31,445
I suppose I'd wear a mask too
if I had a face like that.

1089
01:07:32,113 --> 01:07:33,614
I only wish I healed the same.

1090
01:07:37,618 --> 01:07:40,287
Still, we'll put him
out of our misery.

1091
01:07:40,454 --> 01:07:41,664
On our terms.

1092
01:07:42,123 --> 01:07:43,833
Right.
And when he heals?

1093
01:07:44,834 --> 01:07:45,835
He can't.

1094
01:07:46,127 --> 01:07:48,546
Not if there's nothing
left of him to heal.

1095
01:07:48,629 --> 01:07:52,633
You know, it's funny.
I almost miss the fucker.

1096
01:07:54,093 --> 01:07:55,469
I like a challenge.

1097
01:07:56,846 --> 01:07:58,848
But he's bad for business.

1098
01:07:59,014 --> 01:08:00,766
Now let's go find him.

1099
01:08:01,642 --> 01:08:02,643
Oh.

1100
01:08:05,187 --> 01:08:06,522
Tylenol PM?

1101
01:08:06,689 --> 01:08:09,191
You can stick that
where you stuck the Bactin.

1102
01:08:09,608 --> 01:08:11,861
I raided my stash
of wisdom tooth Percocet...

1103
01:08:12,027 --> 01:08:16,031
and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.

1104
01:08:18,868 --> 01:08:20,953
But I appreciate the gesture.

1105
01:08:21,829 --> 01:08:26,167
Am I crazy, or is your
hand really small?

1106
01:08:26,333 --> 01:08:28,127
About the size of a KFC spork.

1107
01:08:28,377 --> 01:08:29,378
Ugh.

1108
01:08:30,296 --> 01:08:32,381
I get why you're so pissy...

1109
01:08:32,548 --> 01:08:34,133
but your mood's
never gonna brighten

1110
01:08:34,216 --> 01:08:35,384
till you find this woman...

1111
01:08:35,551 --> 01:08:36,844
and tell her how you feel.

1112
01:08:37,011 --> 01:08:38,554
What do I keep telling you,
Mrs. Magoo?

1113
01:08:38,679 --> 01:08:40,222
She wouldn't have me.

1114
01:08:40,473 --> 01:08:42,057
If you could see me,
you'd understand.

1115
01:08:42,224 --> 01:08:43,225
Looks aren't everything.

1116
01:08:43,392 --> 01:08:44,393
Looks are everything.

1117
01:08:44,560 --> 01:08:46,520
You ever heard
David Beckham speak?

1118
01:08:46,687 --> 01:08:48,731
It's like he mouth-sexed
a can of helium.

1119
01:08:49,148 --> 01:08:50,483
You think Ryan Reynolds
got this far

1120
01:08:50,566 --> 01:08:52,234
on his superior acting method?

1121
01:08:52,401 --> 01:08:53,652
Love is blind, Wade.

1122
01:08:53,736 --> 01:08:54,737
No.

1123
01:08:55,863 --> 01:08:57,156
You're blind.

1124
01:08:57,823 --> 01:09:00,576
So, you're just gonna
lie there and whimper?

1125
01:09:00,743 --> 01:09:02,787
No, I'm gonna wait till this
arm plows through puberty...

1126
01:09:02,870 --> 01:09:03,871
and then I'm gonna come up with

1127
01:09:03,954 --> 01:09:05,039
a whole new Christmas Day plan.

1128
01:09:05,831 --> 01:09:07,041
In the meantime,

1129
01:09:07,166 --> 01:09:08,501
you might wanna leave the room.

1130
01:09:09,168 --> 01:09:11,545
I bet it feels huge
in this hand.

1131
01:09:12,922 --> 01:09:15,382
Go, go, go.

1132
01:09:16,175 --> 01:09:17,760
So, the doctor says,
"The bad news is

1133
01:09:17,885 --> 01:09:19,053
"you don't have
that long to live."

1134
01:09:19,178 --> 01:09:20,679
So, the patient says,
"How long do I have?"

1135
01:09:20,763 --> 01:09:22,640
The doctor says, "Five."

1136
01:09:22,723 --> 01:09:24,308
The guy says, "Five what?"

1137
01:09:24,391 --> 01:09:27,561
And the doctor says,
"Four, three, two..."

1138
01:09:35,444 --> 01:09:37,029
Can I help you ladies?

1139
01:09:39,615 --> 01:09:40,741
Oh, I do hope so.

1140
01:09:44,954 --> 01:09:46,413
I heard you might be
able to point me

1141
01:09:46,539 --> 01:09:49,083
in the direction
of a, um, friend of mine.

1142
01:09:49,625 --> 01:09:50,626
Name of Wade Wilson.

1143
01:09:52,211 --> 01:09:53,212
Sorry.

1144
01:09:53,379 --> 01:09:54,922
I don't know the name.

1145
01:10:02,263 --> 01:10:04,598
Hey, you're not supposed
to be behind the bar.

1146
01:10:08,310 --> 01:10:10,104
I've seen this girl.

1147
01:10:10,271 --> 01:10:11,564
Ah, this must be Vanessa.

1148
01:10:11,647 --> 01:10:12,815
I've heard so much about you.

1149
01:10:17,152 --> 01:10:19,280
Um, sweetheart,
you might wanna look around.

1150
01:10:19,905 --> 01:10:22,491
This isn't really the place
to do something like that.

1151
01:10:23,909 --> 01:10:25,494
Easy, Angel.

1152
01:10:25,661 --> 01:10:27,079
Put the little man down.

1153
01:10:28,622 --> 01:10:30,416
We have everything we need now.

1154
01:10:30,791 --> 01:10:31,834
You sure?

1155
01:10:32,585 --> 01:10:35,504
You don't want any clothes
that are not monochromatic?

1156
01:10:35,671 --> 01:10:38,340
Have fun at your midnight
showing of Blade II.

1157
01:10:40,509 --> 01:10:41,594
Whoo.

1158
01:10:42,011 --> 01:10:43,762
Thanks for having my back, guys.

1159
01:10:48,767 --> 01:10:51,103
Wade, we have a fucking problem.

1160
01:10:51,186 --> 01:10:53,022
And by "we," I mean "you."

1161
01:10:53,939 --> 01:10:55,608
Ah, I can't believe
I'm doing this.

1162
01:10:56,108 --> 01:10:58,819
Is there a word for
half afraid, half angry?

1163
01:10:58,986 --> 01:11:01,030
Yeah, "afrangry", I guess.

1164
01:11:01,196 --> 01:11:02,865
Have you decided what
you're gonna say to her?

1165
01:11:03,032 --> 01:11:04,033
Fuck me!

1166
01:11:04,366 --> 01:11:06,285
Uh, maybe not start with that.

1167
01:11:12,166 --> 01:11:15,336
Hey, coming onto
our stage right now...

1168
01:11:15,502 --> 01:11:17,671
give it up for Chastity!

1169
01:11:21,508 --> 01:11:23,719
Or as I like to call her, Irony.

1170
01:11:23,886 --> 01:11:25,888
Better find her fast
before numbnuts does.

1171
01:11:26,055 --> 01:11:27,473
How do you know she's in here?

1172
01:11:27,640 --> 01:11:30,726
Because I'm constantly
stalking that fox.

1173
01:11:55,751 --> 01:11:59,254
Every time I see her,
it's like the first time...

1174
01:12:00,089 --> 01:12:02,257
Especially from this angle.

1175
01:12:25,739 --> 01:12:27,032
You can't buy love,

1176
01:12:27,116 --> 01:12:29,535
but you can rent it
for three minutes.

1177
01:12:32,788 --> 01:12:35,457
Ah, you weak motherfucker!

1178
01:12:36,250 --> 01:12:37,251
Come on!

1179
01:12:38,460 --> 01:12:39,712
Come on, get it together.

1180
01:12:39,795 --> 01:12:41,797
This isn't about me,
this is about Vanessa.

1181
01:12:45,926 --> 01:12:47,261
Here we go.

1182
01:12:49,888 --> 01:12:51,473
Maximum effort.

1183
01:12:54,977 --> 01:12:56,103
Vanessa.

1184
01:12:58,647 --> 01:13:00,566
Someone out back asking for you.

1185
01:13:00,649 --> 01:13:02,776
Something about, uh,
an old boyfriend.

1186
01:13:30,137 --> 01:13:31,263
I knew it was you.

1187
01:13:33,098 --> 01:13:35,017
The weird, curvy edges.

1188
01:13:36,602 --> 01:13:38,437
Like a jigsaw puzzle.

1189
01:13:48,489 --> 01:13:50,365
You have Wade Wilson
to thank for this.

1190
01:13:59,374 --> 01:14:00,876
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?

1191
01:14:01,043 --> 01:14:02,878
Uh, I saw her head to the back.

1192
01:14:03,003 --> 01:14:04,379
Go get her, tiger.

1193
01:14:27,402 --> 01:14:29,696
Fuck. Fuck!

1194
01:14:32,407 --> 01:14:34,034
Motherfucker!

1195
01:14:34,201 --> 01:14:35,285
Wait, wait.
Let's... Just...

1196
01:14:35,369 --> 01:14:36,370
Cock juggling...

1197
01:14:36,453 --> 01:14:37,454
We can talk about
what we're gonna...

1198
01:14:37,538 --> 01:14:38,539
Jiminy! Fuck face!

1199
01:14:38,622 --> 01:14:39,790
Okay, or you can hit that.

1200
01:14:39,873 --> 01:14:41,667
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fuck! Fuck!

1201
01:14:41,750 --> 01:14:43,127
No, no.
All right. Hey!

1202
01:14:43,210 --> 01:14:44,419
Fuck! Fuck!

1203
01:14:44,920 --> 01:14:45,921
Fuck!
Hey, um...

1204
01:14:46,588 --> 01:14:48,924
Whoa! Whoa!
Relax. Relax. Okay.

1205
01:14:49,091 --> 01:14:50,384
Okay. I think
that's a good start.

1206
01:14:50,509 --> 01:14:52,427
Oh, I'm gonna rip
his motherfucking...

1207
01:14:52,553 --> 01:14:53,554
Wait.

1208
01:14:53,679 --> 01:14:55,139
Find it! Find it.
What?

1209
01:14:55,222 --> 01:14:56,598
I'm gonna get angry.
Okay. All right.

1210
01:14:57,057 --> 01:14:58,725
All right. Okay. All right.

1211
01:14:58,892 --> 01:15:00,102
Here. This is Vanessa.

1212
01:15:00,269 --> 01:15:02,187
What?
No, wait. It's Francis.

1213
01:15:02,354 --> 01:15:04,106
He wants you to come to him.

1214
01:15:05,065 --> 01:15:06,692
What is that?
That's the shit emoji.

1215
01:15:06,775 --> 01:15:08,861
You know, it's the turd with
the smiling face and the eyes?

1216
01:15:08,944 --> 01:15:11,280
I thought it was chocolate
yogurt for so long.

1217
01:15:12,030 --> 01:15:13,115
I need guns.

1218
01:15:13,282 --> 01:15:14,283
Okay, which ones?

1219
01:15:14,449 --> 01:15:15,534
I need all the guns!

1220
01:15:15,617 --> 01:15:16,869
All right. Okay.

1221
01:15:37,556 --> 01:15:38,974
That's about 3,000 rounds.

1222
01:15:39,975 --> 01:15:41,977
We all know
what I can do with 12.

1223
01:15:42,436 --> 01:15:44,563
Hey, hey, careful with
that, Ronnie Milsap!

1224
01:15:44,646 --> 01:15:45,772
We're downrange.

1225
01:15:47,232 --> 01:15:48,650
I was gonna spend the night

1226
01:15:48,775 --> 01:15:50,777
assembling the Borje, but
this is holding my interest.

1227
01:15:51,945 --> 01:15:54,740
I told you, we're going with
the Urvaj, not the Borje.

1228
01:15:54,823 --> 01:15:56,742
Get it through your head
or get out of fuck town.

1229
01:15:56,825 --> 01:15:59,494
Shit. That's all the pieces
in the house.

1230
01:15:59,661 --> 01:16:01,455
Nah, nah... Come on.
Let's go. Cough it up.

1231
01:16:01,830 --> 01:16:03,332
Up, up, up.

1232
01:16:04,458 --> 01:16:05,751
Oh. Down, down, down.

1233
01:16:05,918 --> 01:16:06,919
Fuck you.

1234
01:16:08,754 --> 01:16:11,506
.45 cal. I like it.

1235
01:16:13,634 --> 01:16:14,843
Wade...

1236
01:16:16,094 --> 01:16:18,805
I'd go with you,
but I don't want to.

1237
01:16:21,975 --> 01:16:22,976
Uh...

1238
01:16:23,352 --> 01:16:24,519
Listen, Al...

1239
01:16:25,604 --> 01:16:28,023
if I never see you again,

1240
01:16:28,148 --> 01:16:30,776
I want you to know that
I love you very much.

1241
01:16:31,693 --> 01:16:35,447
And also, uh, there's
about 116 kilos of cocaine

1242
01:16:35,530 --> 01:16:36,782
buried somewhere
in the apartment...

1243
01:16:36,865 --> 01:16:39,660
right next to the cure
for blindness. Good luck.

1244
01:16:45,165 --> 01:16:46,208
You wanna get fucked up?

1245
01:16:56,551 --> 01:16:58,053
Put her down over here.

1246
01:17:08,230 --> 01:17:09,481
Go on then.

1247
01:17:11,900 --> 01:17:14,486
Thanks, dickless.
And I mean you.

1248
01:17:14,903 --> 01:17:18,156
Wow. You're a talker too.
You and Wade.

1249
01:17:18,323 --> 01:17:19,992
I've been trying
to tell you assholes,

1250
01:17:20,075 --> 01:17:21,493
you've got the wrong girl.

1251
01:17:21,576 --> 01:17:23,036
My old boyfriend, he's dead.

1252
01:17:23,203 --> 01:17:26,665
See, I thought that too.
But he keeps on coming back.

1253
01:17:26,915 --> 01:17:28,083
Like a cockroach...

1254
01:17:28,250 --> 01:17:29,584
but uglier.

1255
01:17:30,585 --> 01:17:34,089
Now, I may not feel,
but he does.

1256
01:17:35,173 --> 01:17:37,050
Let's see how he fights
with your head on the block.

1257
01:17:46,018 --> 01:17:47,519
Ripley, from Alien 3!

1258
01:17:48,103 --> 01:17:49,938
Fuck, you're old.

1259
01:17:51,606 --> 01:17:53,859
Fake laugh.
Hiding real pain.

1260
01:17:53,942 --> 01:17:55,277
Go get Silver Balls.

1261
01:17:55,402 --> 01:17:57,738
You guys going for a bite?
Early bird special?

1262
01:17:57,863 --> 01:17:59,031
Oh, like there's something wrong

1263
01:17:59,114 --> 01:18:00,365
with eating before sundown
or saving money.

1264
01:18:00,782 --> 01:18:04,119
No, you know that bad guy
that you let go?

1265
01:18:04,745 --> 01:18:06,538
He's got my girl.

1266
01:18:06,705 --> 01:18:08,081
You're gonna
help me get her back.

1267
01:18:08,457 --> 01:18:10,208
Wade, is that you?

1268
01:18:10,375 --> 01:18:11,835
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,

1269
01:18:11,918 --> 01:18:14,755
and I got an offer
that you can't refuse.

1270
01:18:17,466 --> 01:18:18,508
I'm gonna wait out here, okay?

1271
01:18:18,592 --> 01:18:19,634
It's a big house.

1272
01:18:19,718 --> 01:18:20,802
It's funny that I only
ever see two of you.

1273
01:18:20,886 --> 01:18:24,097
It's almost like the studio
couldn't afford another X-Man.

1274
01:18:27,642 --> 01:18:29,102
And that is why,
in my opinion...

1275
01:18:29,227 --> 01:18:32,397
the movie Cocoon
is pure pornography.

1276
01:18:32,898 --> 01:18:34,566
Who brought this twinkly man?

1277
01:18:34,733 --> 01:18:36,651
Twinkly, but deadly.

1278
01:18:36,818 --> 01:18:39,237
My chrome-penised
friend back there

1279
01:18:39,321 --> 01:18:40,906
has agreed to do me this solid.

1280
01:18:41,448 --> 01:18:43,325
In exchange, I said that I would

1281
01:18:43,450 --> 01:18:45,327
consider joining his boy band.

1282
01:18:45,494 --> 01:18:46,661
It's not boy band.

1283
01:18:46,828 --> 01:18:47,913
Sure it's not.

1284
01:18:48,622 --> 01:18:50,916
So, any luck winning Gita back?

1285
01:18:51,666 --> 01:18:54,002
I tried to hold on tight,
Mr. Pool...

1286
01:18:54,169 --> 01:18:57,798
but Bandhu is more craftier
and handsomer than me.

1287
01:18:58,465 --> 01:19:00,175
Well, I think you're
pretty darn cute.

1288
01:19:06,098 --> 01:19:07,682
Dopinder.
Hmm?

1289
01:19:09,017 --> 01:19:10,018
What was that?

1290
01:19:10,811 --> 01:19:11,978
Uh...

1291
01:19:12,104 --> 01:19:17,692
That was Bandhu in the trunk.

1292
01:19:18,360 --> 01:19:19,611
Ban who?

1293
01:19:19,694 --> 01:19:22,447
My romantic rival Bandhu.
He's tied up in the trunk.

1294
01:19:22,531 --> 01:19:24,157
I'm doing as you said, DP.

1295
01:19:24,282 --> 01:19:26,159
I plan to gut him
like a tandoori fish,

1296
01:19:26,284 --> 01:19:28,036
then dump his carcass
on Gita's doorstep.

1297
01:19:29,371 --> 01:19:30,997
I did not tell him to do that.

1298
01:19:31,123 --> 01:19:33,750
Absolutely not.
It got lost in translation.

1299
01:19:33,834 --> 01:19:37,003
Dopinder, this is no way
to win Gita's heart back!

1300
01:19:37,129 --> 01:19:38,088
I'm so proud of you.

1301
01:19:38,171 --> 01:19:40,340
Drop Bandhu off,
safe and gentle-like.

1302
01:19:40,465 --> 01:19:41,425
Kill him.

1303
01:19:41,508 --> 01:19:43,510
And then, win Gita back...

1304
01:19:43,718 --> 01:19:46,388
the old fashioned way:
with your boyish charm.

1305
01:19:46,555 --> 01:19:48,014
Kidnap her.

1306
01:19:49,474 --> 01:19:50,642
He's super dead.

1307
01:19:51,143 --> 01:19:52,144
Whoa!

1308
01:19:56,064 --> 01:19:57,566
I presume a crisp high five?

1309
01:19:57,732 --> 01:19:59,067
For you? 10.

1310
01:20:00,569 --> 01:20:03,238
Okay, guys, let's get out
there and make a difference.

1311
01:20:03,405 --> 01:20:05,323
You know what to do.

1312
01:20:06,241 --> 01:20:08,869
Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy!

1313
01:20:10,078 --> 01:20:12,080
Time to make
the chimi-fuckin'-changas.

1314
01:20:13,582 --> 01:20:15,167
Not often
a dude ruins your face...

1315
01:20:15,250 --> 01:20:18,170
skull-stomps your sanity,
grabs your future baby mama...

1316
01:20:18,253 --> 01:20:19,880
and personally sees to four

1317
01:20:20,005 --> 01:20:22,382
of your five shittiest moments.

1318
01:20:22,507 --> 01:20:26,678
Let's just say it's beginning
to look a lot like Christmas.

1319
01:20:39,608 --> 01:20:40,901
Hey.

1320
01:20:41,026 --> 01:20:42,277
Where's your duffle bag?

1321
01:21:01,129 --> 01:21:02,547
Bandhu?

1322
01:21:04,090 --> 01:21:06,051
Leave a message
and have a happy day.

1323
01:21:06,218 --> 01:21:07,469
God damn it!

1324
01:21:07,636 --> 01:21:09,221
I'm gonna do this
the old fashioned way...

1325
01:21:09,387 --> 01:21:12,807
with two swords
and maximum effort.

1326
01:21:13,808 --> 01:21:14,809
Cue the music.

1327
01:21:30,992 --> 01:21:33,453
Wade Wilson!

1328
01:21:33,995 --> 01:21:35,580
What's my name?

1329
01:21:35,664 --> 01:21:37,832
Oh, I'mma fuckin'
spell it out for ya.

1330
01:21:40,126 --> 01:21:41,127
Go get some.

1331
01:21:41,294 --> 01:21:42,337
Superhero landing.

1332
01:21:42,504 --> 01:21:43,588
She's gonna do
a superhero landing.

1333
01:21:43,672 --> 01:21:44,673
Wait for it.

1334
01:21:48,009 --> 01:21:49,052
Whoo!

1335
01:21:49,135 --> 01:21:50,303
Superhero landing!

1336
01:21:50,845 --> 01:21:51,930
You know, that's really
hard on your knees.

1337
01:21:52,264 --> 01:21:53,682
Totally impractical.
They all do it.

1338
01:21:54,182 --> 01:21:57,352
You're a lovely lady, but
I'm saving myself for Francis.

1339
01:21:57,519 --> 01:21:58,603
That's why I brought him.

1340
01:21:58,770 --> 01:22:01,982
I prefer not to hit a
woman, so please...

1341
01:22:09,197 --> 01:22:12,284
I mean,
that's why I brought her?

1342
01:22:13,827 --> 01:22:15,870
Oh, no, finish your tweet.
It's not... That's...

1343
01:22:16,037 --> 01:22:17,497
Just give us a second.
Yeah.

1344
01:22:17,664 --> 01:22:18,999
There you go.
Hashtag it.

1345
01:22:20,375 --> 01:22:22,210
Go get her, tiger.

1346
01:22:28,883 --> 01:22:32,637
Oh, I so pity the dude who
pressures her into prom sex.

1347
01:22:33,346 --> 01:22:34,889
All right, then. Fire!

1348
01:22:46,651 --> 01:22:48,153
Finish fucking her the fuck up!

1349
01:22:48,320 --> 01:22:49,321
Language, please.

1350
01:22:49,404 --> 01:22:50,572
Suck a cock.

1351
01:23:16,598 --> 01:23:18,266
Look away, child.

1352
01:23:19,017 --> 01:23:20,352
Look away!

1353
01:23:27,692 --> 01:23:28,902
Wait!

1354
01:23:29,069 --> 01:23:30,111
Wait!

1355
01:23:30,236 --> 01:23:31,237
Cease fire!

1356
01:23:31,321 --> 01:23:32,572
Cease fire!

1357
01:23:32,697 --> 01:23:34,115
Fellas! Hey! Hey!

1358
01:23:35,533 --> 01:23:39,120
You only work for that
shit-spackled muppet fart.

1359
01:23:39,287 --> 01:23:41,414
So, I'mma give you a chance

1360
01:23:41,539 --> 01:23:43,208
for y'all to lay down
your firearms...

1361
01:23:43,375 --> 01:23:46,252
in exchange for preferential,
bordering on gentle...

1362
01:23:46,419 --> 01:23:49,881
possibly even
lover-like treatment.

1363
01:23:51,925 --> 01:23:53,051
Fine.

1364
01:23:53,134 --> 01:23:54,219
Commando!

1365
01:25:06,249 --> 01:25:07,333
Teabag!

1366
01:25:11,838 --> 01:25:12,839
Bob?

1367
01:25:13,840 --> 01:25:14,841
Wade?

1368
01:25:14,924 --> 01:25:16,176
Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you since...

1369
01:25:16,259 --> 01:25:18,511
Jacksonville. Fridays.
Since TGI Fridays.

1370
01:25:19,345 --> 01:25:21,097
Well, what the hell!

1371
01:25:21,681 --> 01:25:23,183
God, come here, you.

1372
01:25:25,351 --> 01:25:27,270
How are the kids?
Good?

1373
01:25:27,854 --> 01:25:29,522
And Gail, she still fixing
that tuna casserole?

1374
01:25:29,647 --> 01:25:31,357
So good.
But bad for the waistline,

1375
01:25:31,441 --> 01:25:32,525
if you know what
I'm talking about.

1376
01:25:37,197 --> 01:25:38,198
Oh!

1377
01:25:39,282 --> 01:25:42,535
Your... On the left.
You are beautiful woman.

1378
01:25:42,702 --> 01:25:43,703
That is so sweet.

1379
01:25:44,037 --> 01:25:45,038
Uh...

1380
01:25:45,205 --> 01:25:46,206
Thanks.

1381
01:25:53,713 --> 01:25:54,714
Yoo-hoo!

1382
01:25:58,384 --> 01:25:59,969
Does he write you notes too?

1383
01:26:00,053 --> 01:26:01,888
He's such a romantic.

1384
01:26:02,305 --> 01:26:03,723
Don't worry, baby.
I'm comin'.

1385
01:26:05,058 --> 01:26:06,059
Fire!

1386
01:26:13,733 --> 01:26:15,151
Hey!

1387
01:26:15,401 --> 01:26:16,402
Climb on!

1388
01:26:53,439 --> 01:26:55,024
Motherfucking...

1389
01:27:06,369 --> 01:27:08,872
Motherfucker should have
worn his brown pants.

1390
01:27:11,624 --> 01:27:12,792
You were right, beautiful.

1391
01:27:13,710 --> 01:27:15,461
Red really is my color.

1392
01:27:16,129 --> 01:27:17,213
Wade?

1393
01:27:17,297 --> 01:27:18,298
Don't worry, baby...

1394
01:27:18,631 --> 01:27:20,633
I'mma get you out
of that shit-box.

1395
01:27:21,134 --> 01:27:23,303
What better way to crawl back
inside that head of yours?

1396
01:27:23,469 --> 01:27:25,221
Oh, you never left.

1397
01:27:25,388 --> 01:27:27,390
But you did, asshole!

1398
01:27:27,557 --> 01:27:28,975
Ah, deep breath, darling.

1399
01:27:30,560 --> 01:27:31,644
Oh, wait.

1400
01:27:32,812 --> 01:27:34,314
Wrong choice of words.

1401
01:27:36,566 --> 01:27:39,319
I hope they blocked pain
to your every last nerve.

1402
01:27:39,485 --> 01:27:40,570
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!

1403
01:27:41,988 --> 01:27:43,990
I hear you grow back
body parts now, Wade.

1404
01:27:44,490 --> 01:27:45,491
When I'm finished...

1405
01:27:45,658 --> 01:27:47,327
parts will have
to grow back you.

1406
01:27:47,493 --> 01:27:48,661
Good one.

1407
01:27:49,579 --> 01:27:51,331
Yep, that was a good one.

1408
01:27:51,497 --> 01:27:52,498
Let's dance.

1409
01:27:53,833 --> 01:27:55,001
And by dance, I mean...

1410
01:27:55,168 --> 01:27:56,252
let's try to kill each other.

1411
01:28:50,890 --> 01:28:53,142
Fine. Fists.

1412
01:28:53,393 --> 01:28:55,228
Oh, sounds like
your last Saturday night.

1413
01:30:17,143 --> 01:30:19,228
Asshole!

1414
01:31:15,535 --> 01:31:16,536
Hang in there, baby!

1415
01:31:17,036 --> 01:31:19,038
Wade!
I gotcha!

1416
01:31:22,458 --> 01:31:24,377
I got a plan.
You're not gonna like it.

1417
01:31:35,054 --> 01:31:36,222
Shit! Shit! Shit!

1418
01:31:42,145 --> 01:31:44,647
Don't worry.
I'm totally on top of this.

1419
01:31:59,829 --> 01:32:01,747
Ah! Damn it!

1420
01:32:02,665 --> 01:32:05,585
Maximum effort!

1421
01:32:47,960 --> 01:32:48,961
Thanks.

1422
01:32:53,966 --> 01:32:55,551
Just take it slow.

1423
01:33:02,266 --> 01:33:03,643
Yoo-hoo!

1424
01:33:05,978 --> 01:33:08,648
Oh, my God! That was so...

1425
01:33:39,679 --> 01:33:41,264
There are no words!

1426
01:33:42,348 --> 01:33:45,935
Me and you are headed
to fix this butterface.

1427
01:33:46,686 --> 01:33:47,853
What?

1428
01:33:50,189 --> 01:33:52,942
You stupid fucking idiot.

1429
01:33:53,359 --> 01:33:57,947
Did you really think there was a cure
for that?

1430
01:33:59,824 --> 01:34:00,825
What?

1431
01:34:01,284 --> 01:34:02,326
You heard me.

1432
01:34:04,120 --> 01:34:05,204
No.

1433
01:34:05,329 --> 01:34:06,539
No!

1434
01:34:13,796 --> 01:34:16,799
So, you mean to say...

1435
01:34:17,550 --> 01:34:21,554
after all this,
you can't fix me?

1436
01:34:22,388 --> 01:34:24,473
It sounds even stupider
when you say it.

1437
01:34:24,557 --> 01:34:26,392
Like the kind of stupid
who admits

1438
01:34:26,475 --> 01:34:29,562
he can't do the one thing
I'm keeping him alive for?

1439
01:34:33,524 --> 01:34:35,234
Any last words?

1440
01:34:37,153 --> 01:34:38,237
What's my name?

1441
01:34:39,363 --> 01:34:40,406
Who fucking cares?

1442
01:34:40,531 --> 01:34:41,532
Wade!

1443
01:34:43,159 --> 01:34:45,536
Four or five moments.

1444
01:34:45,745 --> 01:34:46,746
I'm sorry?

1445
01:34:47,121 --> 01:34:49,498
Four or five moments,
that's all it takes.

1446
01:34:50,082 --> 01:34:51,083
To?

1447
01:34:52,084 --> 01:34:53,419
Be a hero.

1448
01:34:55,546 --> 01:34:58,341
Everyone thinks
it's a full-time job.

1449
01:34:58,424 --> 01:35:00,676
Wake up a hero,
brush your teeth a hero,

1450
01:35:00,760 --> 01:35:02,011
go to work a hero.

1451
01:35:02,511 --> 01:35:04,180
Not true.

1452
01:35:04,388 --> 01:35:07,516
Over a lifetime, there are
only four or five moments

1453
01:35:07,600 --> 01:35:09,769
that really matter.

1454
01:35:10,186 --> 01:35:12,563
Moments when you're
offered a choice.

1455
01:35:12,730 --> 01:35:15,358
To make a sacrifice,
conquer a flaw,

1456
01:35:15,441 --> 01:35:16,901
save a friend...

1457
01:35:17,526 --> 01:35:20,112
spare an enemy.

1458
01:35:20,738 --> 01:35:22,114
In these moments...

1459
01:35:22,907 --> 01:35:25,785
everything else falls away.

1460
01:35:26,410 --> 01:35:28,954
The way the world sees us.

1461
01:35:29,413 --> 01:35:30,414
The way we...

1462
01:35:34,627 --> 01:35:35,753
Why?

1463
01:35:36,921 --> 01:35:38,798
You were droning on.

1464
01:35:38,964 --> 01:35:41,926
Sure, I may be stuck looking
like pepperoni flatbread...

1465
01:35:42,093 --> 01:35:44,887
but at least fuckface
won't heal from that.

1466
01:35:45,137 --> 01:35:47,765
If wearing superhero tights...

1467
01:35:48,224 --> 01:35:49,558
means sparing psychopaths...

1468
01:35:49,725 --> 01:35:51,769
then maybe I wasn't
meant to wear 'em.

1469
01:35:51,936 --> 01:35:54,230
Not everyone monitors
a hall like you.

1470
01:35:54,313 --> 01:35:55,398
Just promise...

1471
01:35:55,481 --> 01:35:57,066
Yeah, yeah,
I'll be on the lookout

1472
01:35:57,149 --> 01:35:59,318
for the next four moments.

1473
01:35:59,443 --> 01:36:00,945
Oh, shit.

1474
01:36:01,112 --> 01:36:04,740
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm just a boy,

1475
01:36:04,824 --> 01:36:06,951
about to stand
in front of a girl...

1476
01:36:07,118 --> 01:36:08,327
and tell her...

1477
01:36:08,494 --> 01:36:10,496
What the fuck
am I gonna tell her?

1478
01:36:10,579 --> 01:36:13,833
Well, hmm,
you better figure it out.

1479
01:36:15,334 --> 01:36:16,585
I can't even tell you...

1480
01:36:16,669 --> 01:36:17,753
I deserved that.
That, too.

1481
01:36:18,504 --> 01:36:20,089
No, no, no,
maybe not the nethers.

1482
01:36:20,172 --> 01:36:22,091
Start talking!

1483
01:36:24,135 --> 01:36:25,678
I'm sorry.

1484
01:36:25,970 --> 01:36:27,430
I'm so sorry.

1485
01:36:28,264 --> 01:36:30,808
For everything,
I'm sorry for leaving...

1486
01:36:32,309 --> 01:36:34,270
I'm sorry for not
cowboying up sooner.

1487
01:36:34,437 --> 01:36:36,105
It's been rough couple of years.

1488
01:36:36,188 --> 01:36:37,189
Rough?

1489
01:36:45,030 --> 01:36:46,866
I live in a crackhouse.

1490
01:36:48,117 --> 01:36:49,452
With a family of 12.

1491
01:36:51,203 --> 01:36:52,705
Every night we spoon for warmth.

1492
01:36:52,788 --> 01:36:55,708
Everybody fights for Noelle.
She's the fattest.

1493
01:36:55,875 --> 01:36:57,460
There's nothing
that we don't share.

1494
01:36:57,543 --> 01:37:01,714
Floor space, dental floss,
even condoms.

1495
01:37:09,847 --> 01:37:12,016
So, you live in a house.

1496
01:37:20,858 --> 01:37:23,819
I should have come
and found you sooner.

1497
01:37:25,237 --> 01:37:26,572
But, baby,
the guy under this mask,

1498
01:37:26,697 --> 01:37:29,241
he ain't the same one
that you remember.

1499
01:37:33,579 --> 01:37:34,830
You mean this mask?

1500
01:37:54,934 --> 01:37:56,560
And this one.

1501
01:37:58,020 --> 01:37:59,772
In case the other fell off.

1502
01:38:02,775 --> 01:38:04,944
All right.
Yeah, just... Ow.

1503
01:38:05,110 --> 01:38:06,695
Like a Band-Aid,
just give it a...

1504
01:38:06,862 --> 01:38:08,948
Owdie 5,000.

1505
01:38:09,031 --> 01:38:10,115
Wait, wait, wait...

1506
01:38:12,034 --> 01:38:13,285
Are you sure?

1507
01:38:15,120 --> 01:38:16,121
I'm sure.

1508
01:38:26,465 --> 01:38:27,466
Wow.

1509
01:38:28,884 --> 01:38:29,969
Yeah.

1510
01:38:36,934 --> 01:38:38,269
Hey.

1511
01:38:40,479 --> 01:38:42,273
After a brief
adjustment period...

1512
01:38:42,815 --> 01:38:44,733
and a bunch of drinks...

1513
01:38:46,151 --> 01:38:48,112
it's a face...

1514
01:38:52,575 --> 01:38:54,159
I'd be happy to sit on.

1515
01:39:01,667 --> 01:39:05,087
I'm not the same
underneath this suit, either.

1516
01:39:05,170 --> 01:39:06,171
No.

1517
01:39:06,755 --> 01:39:08,507
Super-penis.

1518
01:39:08,757 --> 01:39:10,634
Come on, Wade. Language.

1519
01:39:10,843 --> 01:39:12,261
Young one is present.

1520
01:39:13,345 --> 01:39:15,180
What are you still doing?

1521
01:39:15,264 --> 01:39:17,933
Get out of here.
Go make yourself useful!

1522
01:39:18,017 --> 01:39:20,769
You, go be a really
big brother to someone.

1523
01:39:20,853 --> 01:39:22,521
Tell Beast to stop
shitting on my lawn.

1524
01:39:22,646 --> 01:39:24,440
And you, chicken noodle...

1525
01:39:24,607 --> 01:39:26,358
Nothing compares to you.

1526
01:39:26,483 --> 01:39:28,527
Sinéad O'Connor, 1990.
Sorry.

1527
01:39:28,611 --> 01:39:31,280
That's all right.
You're cool.

1528
01:39:33,198 --> 01:39:34,825
What in the ass?

1529
01:39:34,992 --> 01:39:38,037
That was not mean.
I'm proud of you!

1530
01:39:38,454 --> 01:39:41,498
We will make an X-Man
of you yet, Wade.

1531
01:39:41,665 --> 01:39:42,875
For a second there,

1532
01:39:43,000 --> 01:39:44,710
it felt like we were
three mini-lion robots...

1533
01:39:44,835 --> 01:39:47,046
coming together to form
one super robot.

1534
01:39:47,880 --> 01:39:49,048
There's a stupid.

1535
01:39:49,173 --> 01:39:50,215
Yeah.

1536
01:39:53,677 --> 01:39:58,057
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.

1537
01:40:01,810 --> 01:40:02,895
Come here.

1538
01:40:12,821 --> 01:40:15,741
Wham! As promised.

1539
01:40:28,837 --> 01:40:29,922
See?

1540
01:40:30,047 --> 01:40:33,592
You don't need to be
a superhero to get the girl.

1541
01:40:33,676 --> 01:40:36,428
The right girl will bring out
the hero in you.

1542
01:40:37,054 --> 01:40:40,432
Now, let's finish this
epic wide shot. Pull out.

1543
01:40:40,599 --> 01:40:42,101
There we go, that looks nice.

1544
01:40:42,226 --> 01:40:43,268
That's gonna be
about the only thing

1545
01:40:43,394 --> 01:40:44,687
that's pulling out tonight.

1546
01:40:44,770 --> 01:40:47,940
Who doesn't love
a happy ending, huh?

1547
01:40:48,065 --> 01:40:49,525
'Til next time, this is

1548
01:40:49,608 --> 01:40:51,860
your friendly neighborhood
pool guy singin'...

1549
01:40:51,944 --> 01:40:54,196
I'm never gonna dance again.

1550
01:40:54,279 --> 01:40:57,783
The way I danced with you.

1551
01:47:07,652 --> 01:47:09,321
You're still here?

1552
01:47:11,907 --> 01:47:14,951
It's over. Go home.

1553
01:47:16,661 --> 01:47:19,164
Oh, you're expecting
a teaser for Deadpool 2.

1554
01:47:19,247 --> 01:47:21,083
Well, we don't have
that kind of money.

1555
01:47:22,000 --> 01:47:24,920
What are you expecting?
Sam Jackson to show up?

1556
01:47:25,087 --> 01:47:27,672
With an eye patch and a saucy
little leather number?

1557
01:47:27,798 --> 01:47:29,424
Go. Go.

1558
01:47:34,679 --> 01:47:35,639
Oh.

1559
01:47:35,722 --> 01:47:38,266
But I can tell you one thing,
and it's a bit of a secret.

1560
01:47:38,350 --> 01:47:41,436
For the sequel,
we're gonna have Cable.

1561
01:47:41,520 --> 01:47:43,939
Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time travel.

1562
01:47:44,022 --> 01:47:45,107
We have no idea
who we're gonna cast yet,

1563
01:47:45,190 --> 01:47:46,274
but it could be anybody.

1564
01:47:46,358 --> 01:47:47,859
Just need a big guy
with a flat top.

1565
01:47:47,943 --> 01:47:49,611
Could be Mel Gibson,
Dolph Lundgren...

1566
01:47:49,694 --> 01:47:52,114
Keira Knightley.
She's got range. Who knows.

1567
01:47:52,197 --> 01:47:53,615
Anyway, big secret. Shh...

1568
01:47:53,698 --> 01:47:55,617
Oh, and don't leave your
garbage all lying around.

1569
01:47:55,700 --> 01:47:58,161
It's a total dick move.

1570
01:47:59,121 --> 01:48:00,205
Go.