If you love romantic comedies,
you're seen as an emotional wreck.
Because when a romantic comedy ends, even if you know it inside out,
you feel your heart clench and, often, like an idiot...
you cry.
You can't avoid the trap. Know why?
All set?
Yeah...
Because liking such films
usually means your emotional life is a failure.
And my emotional life is a total disaster.
I found the woman I love in bed with a guy I hate.
It's not romantic when she throws you out either.
Not romantic at all.
BABY ON BOARD
Sorry.
"Super Gamer"...
Pinpin Penguin can't talk to you. He's a character.
No, he doesn't exist.
- Gentlemen, new game! - Very realistic.
Thank you.
- Seen the time? - Give me a break.
They need a new US correspondent.
Why? Bob the Blob's ideal.
300 lbs, the mind of a kid, he's the best.
Maybe, but he's dead.
How?
Yoga.
He did a headstand, all his bones snapped and he pancaked.
- You knew him? - No.
But it's a shock.
Nasty way to go.
What's worse than getting dumped? Dying.
But even worse is going home to your folks at 35.
My folks are great.
When Sarah left me, they gave me their apartment
so I could get straight while they were away.
Good morning.
My old gym teacher!
"Back on April 16"
Luckily, from September to April,
my folks follow the exodus of the elderly to the Riviera.
I had six months to get myself straight and forget Sarah.
That's where I was at...
Okay. Forgetting...
That'll be dead easy.
"The-is-his...
"man's-on...
"hat-head".
Who can put that in order?
- Ginger? - The man's hat is on his head.
Very good. Your turn now.
Come and write a sentence in the wrong order.
AN-IS-ELEPHANT-KÉVIN
That's not nice. It hurts Kévin.
Mom says he has rotten teeth.
Totally rotten!
Okay, you can all go.
Except Ginger. You and Kévin can sort this out.
The principal will love to see what you wrote.
It's not in order.
Ginger, you shouldn't write things like that.
Ginger, apologize now!
Over to you.
- I have to fetch Lucas. - I have a squash game!
Thanks.
Right! I want you
to apologize right now to your classmate here
and... All right.
Very good.
Well...
You've chosen Maxi Softi and you're a winner!
You've won something.
Maxi Softi, maximum softness, maximum resistance!
Tom?
Thomas Walkovic?
Florence... Florence Baron.
How long since I saw you? Ten years?
- More like twenty. - Hurry it up!
Meet my daughter, Lisa. There's Lucas too, seven, at home.
An old school friend.
You're not alike.
Do you have kids?
- No. - Are you married?
No.
Are you?
Seven years now. Seven and a half in October.
- That's great. - Yes.
You still live around here?
Yeah, but only temporarily.
Want to come to dinner sometime?
Saturday. Will Saturday do?
I'll give you my address and phone number, if you can't make it.
There...
It's easy to find. There's a map on the back.
See you Saturday, I hope, Thomas Walkovic.
Just think...
Testing!
Are you the Maxi Softi winner?
Lucas, come and eat!
Lucas, Come on!
Not helping me?
No, I'm not.
Stop sulking. We don't have to invite him.
So don't invite him.
Hi, girls. Anybody there?
Your wife's invited an old flame over. Some bum!
What?
It's nothing. He's an old school friend.
True, he does look like...
- A bum. - Does he have a job?
I just got a three-room place in that he could take.
You won't dump your seedy places on my friends.
- Fine. - Lucas, come and eat!
My last visit's at 8:00,
so I'll be home around 9:00. That okay?
See you later. See you later, kids.
Lots of love.
Honestly, you...
You're...
It's obvious she loved him.
You've always gone for weird guys.
Yes! New level!
you've won...
Tom!
Thomas!
I don't understand! Tell me!
I love you!
Shit...
Just a second!
- Hello. - Hello.
Please, come in.
I came on foot, that's why.
The neighbour I've heard so much about!
I'm just the husband.
Pascal... Tom...
Tom... Pascal...
Shoes!
Shoes?
House rules.
The signs are handy.
Okay, Tom, what's your size?
Size eight.
I buy and sell all the time.
I'm not an estate agent. I'm a trader.
As soon as I buy, I sell again.
- What are you in? - Your ass.
Sorry, that slipped out. A dumb joke from work.
I test video games.
No kidding? For a magazine?
- "Super Gamer". - Seriously?
- No... - I love it!
Great, she will...
Look. Who are you? What's your alias?
Captain Laser.
You're Captain Laser?
I love your stuff. It's so funny!
Care to tell me who this Captain Laser is?
Look...
Him! He adds brilliant notes.
He invented "in your ass".
I love him!
Video games are too violent.
I let Lisa have a console...
After I agreed to live with his junk.
- Lisa! - It's a compromise.
Lisa isn't my daughter. Although I love her as if she was.
My dad's in India and sends hash for Xmas. Cool, huh?
That'll do, Lisa!
What? It's not true?
What's that one?
That one?
Anger, of course!
See that? That's doubt.
And over there,
my mother.
He used to sculpt a lot.
Yes, but with one dependent child, then another...
you go into real estate.
You could have done both.
- Do video games pay well? - Pascal!
What did I say?
Lucas, time for bed. Say goodbye to Tom.
Lisa, can you put him to bed?
Goodbye, sir.
Bye, young man.
Come here, kiddo.
Off you go.
Can I visit you at work?
Anytime. Just call ahead.
Cool. Bye, Captain.
- Check he does his teeth. - Good night.
- I want my Pokemon brush. - I'll find it.
- Where is it? - In your ass.
That'll last a week.
In my mind, it was obvious.
She was the woman of my life. I was really in love.
Just imagine
how I felt on learning they'd been seeing each other for a year.
In other words, when I moved into her place,
she saw me lugging all that stuff
yet knew that she was going to leave me.
That's cruelty, right?
I mean, a dishwasher... A dishwasher weighs a ton!
Ever carried a dishwasher?
Anyway...
She was a jazz violinist.
Did I say that?
- Yeah... - Yeah...
Jazz violinists are really cruel.
So cruel!
Want a ride home?
No, I'm okay.
I feel good here. It helps me...
But don't let me get you down.
Sorry...
A text message.
What?
Sarah got text messages too.
She was cheating on me.
Who has text messages at 1:00 a.m. apart from lovers?
At the time, you don't even notice.
It's pathetic.
Totally pathetic.
Flo... Show me your phone.
Show me your phone! Let me see that message!
Hi...
- I suppose you saw Pascal. - Briefly.
Why are you all wet?
I don't know. The lawn.
He peed on you.
Shit...
I came to bring the slippers back, with a note to apologize.
I didn't know if I'd screwed up a little or a lot.
I have the answer now.
Right...
- If I can help... - Forget it.
Super Gamer...
Who's calling?
Delivery has been suspended.
My mailing list has you as deceased.
Yes, really.
You can't slam "Super Dragster 3".
Tried it? It's crap.
I don't care! It's three pages of advertising!
That rules our ratings?
It always has.
And, this time, they sent me a pair of really sophisticated glasses...
Where's the old list?
- In your ass. - In your ass.
There's a girl here for you. Her name's Lisa.
- Lisa? - She says you told her to drop by.
Oh, right...
Hi there.
- Hi! - What a surprise.
I leave messages but you never call.
You've grown?
Yeah.
How are things at home?
Great. Pascal's left, Mom's crying all the time.
Fantastic.
Show me round?
We're closing the issue.
- Chill out. - Just a quick look then.
Super Gamer. Pretty disappointing, huh?
He broke my specs!
- I didn't! - Look!
That guy with the curly hair
is Goldilocks, our chief editor.
The most adult guy here.
This is Saddam Ulcer, also known as Blaster.
That's the Torch.
- Glop... - And Not Glop.
Exactly.
Another example of A.I., Fat Bill.
Relaxing over there, Mr. Umbrella.
Say hello to Lisa, one of our loyal readers.
Hi, Lisa.
- C'mon, guys! - It's okay.
Hi, Lisa!
I'll leave you to it.
- "Super Dragster 3"? - Know it?
Yeah, I have a pirated copy. It's crap.
- Rate it out of ten. - Three.
Truth belongs to the readers. So stuff you!
Okay, get to work. We have to finish by Monday.
Come here.
You'll be my co-pilot.
Okay. What does the co-pilot do?
When I say "potato chip", feed me. Chip!
Still at it?
What's wrong?
Potato chip OD. What do we do?
You drive now?
Fuck...
Try another gear.
Shut your mouth!
She'll murder me.
Maybe not.
Get out!
Thanks.
Bye.
Come on.
- Drive! - Oh, right.
If a guy told you your wife was unfaithful,
would you hold that against him?
What?
If a guy told you she was unfaithful...
I'm not married.
Imagine you are.
Okay.
What's she like?
No idea. Imagine any woman you want.
Wow...
Her, yeah...
Or her.
No, not her.
- There's no rush. - Okay.
- Okay, got her! - She's cheating on you.
- Already? - But you don't know about it.
You just told me.
Okay...
So are you mad at me for telling you?
You're the one who said I had a girl.
Drink your cocoa.
- A psycho test, huh? - Drink your cocoa.
Sweetheart, it's your mother.
What a tragedy. Such a shock for your father and me.
Pascal had so many qualities. And a good job too.
Frankly, we never liked Sarah.
I found her pretty.
She wasn't right for him. Too much character.
She had character.
That's what I'm saying. She wasn't right for you.
Believe me, you'll be happier without her.
Believe me, after a certain age,
it's tough getting over a separation.
Remember Aunt Lucie? She wanted to be free at 45
and now she's alone with her artificial hip.
To cheer you up, I've mailed you one of my flans.
Those you love so much.
You should get it soon. Call me if you don't.
There's a tracking number too...
It's Mom. I've been thinking. Get Mrs. Rodriguez in to clean.
He doesn't need Mrs. Rodriguez!
She can keep him company over Christmas and cook for him.
Her number's on the fridge.
Florence, it's Mom.
Guess what? That flan got sent back in a terrible state.
It's here for you.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Can I see that grey cat?
- The grey one. - That one.
He's cute. An excellent choice.
- Do you know cats? - Not at all.
It's a Chartreux with grey fur when it's a kitten. Look, it's grey.
All cute and grey. Light grey even.
As he grows, his fur can get darker, black even.
But, in theory, he'll stay grey.
If he turns black, call me.
He's an excellent choice.
I'll get the big box now.
Tell me what you think.
Hi.
You smell better now.
Thanks.
How are you?
Okay.
Better.
Getting a dog?
- I hate cats. - Me too.
- But you like dogs. - No, not really.
What'll you call him?
I don't know.
Pretty name. Greek, right?
Here we are.
The box, the cat and the litter... 350 euros, please.
That much?
Well, yes. He's grey after all.
How much for nothing?
In that case, nothing.
Wonderful. That's what we'll do.
Clings, doesn't he?
- He'd like to stay with you. - Maybe, but no.
Too expensive, pal.
I've just saved 350 euros.
Let's celebrate. I'll buy you coffee.
Even a soda if you want.
Or fresh orange juice. But that's my limit.
- I won't take the dog either. - Really?
- Bye. - Bye.
Let me see... Charlotte!
Come on...
Tea?
Coffee.
She was one of his clients. A dance instructor.
When he told me, I threw him out.
He called to say it was for the best.
I begged him to stay.
And he came back.
To take everything he had ever bought.
I felt so humiliated.
So I got some paper and drew a line on it.
Good move.
On the left, what's worse without him,
and on the right, what's better.
It was so depressing.
I found only one positive point.
The chance to meet a decent guy at last.
I know I'll meet him soon.
Aren't you being a bit too positive?
You have to be.
- True. - How's your love life?
How can I put it?
I've lost Sarah, she was the woman of my life
and I'm finished.
You'll meet someone.
But not as good as Sarah.
Different.
Much less better.
- Not very positive. - You think so too?
- You know what? - What?
Draw up a list.
The last time I tried to pick a guy up, I was ten.
It was that fat kid, Jean-Claude.
- I hate trying to pick up girls. - Why?
Because it's a drag. You have to lie all the time.
- You don't have to. - You do. You have to.
You can't be honest. If you were, you'd say,
"Hi there, I want to make love to you,
"then hurry home to play 'Puzzle Bubble'."
- It doesn't work. - I guess.
Or if she does accept, you have to call her back.
"My dear woman, I'll never love you
"but you give head so superbly and skilfully that I'm afraid
"I can't live without you."
And that's impossible.
Can't you imagine picking up someone you actually like?
No way, that's impossible. Totally impossible!
Picking up a girl you can fall in love with is hell.
You talk to her...
You go to pieces. Impossible!
There's no solution to it.
If Sarah hadn't picked me up, I'd never have gone out with her.
She'd never have dumped me. Maybe I'd be happier now.
Fatter, but happier.
I was 17. I was mad about him.
When he asked me to go to India,
I followed and gave up school.
In no time, there I was,
smoking pot by the Ganges
with some naked old guy who weighed 70 pounds.
Talk about exotic!
I know what you mean. I went to Brittany once.
Yoan said that contraception wasn't natural. So we had Lisa.
And then he decided having kids wasn't natural either.
I went back to my parents.
Ringing their bell, I felt useless, in sandals with Lisa in my arms.
A mother at 17.
I decided to stop screwing up.
If you have any catching up to do, I can help you there.
Here we are.
And now...
It's odd coming back here.
- Isn't that the park where we... - Yes.
Near the sandbox there.
- I'm still mad at you. - Why?
You used your tongue.
- Not just that once. - I hated it.
You kept drooling in my mouth.
It was gross.
You know what?
Surprisingly, I've had a good day.
Surprisingly, so have I.
I guess we'll have to see each other again.
I'm afraid so.
Okay. See you, Thomas Walkovic.
See you, Florence Baron.
Thanks.
Next time, we'll kiss.
Okay.
His Majesty says the worlds are varied
and that one can drive seven different vehicles.
This special joystick is sold with the game for 119 earth euros.
His Majesty has some Star Trek T-shirts.
Only one XXL.
They never bring my size.
Want to play Puzzle Bubble tonight?
Actually, I have a... a date.
More interesting than Puzzle Bubble?
Yeah.
- It's a girl. - No.
- It is. - It isn't.
- Are you the edibles officer? - Yes.
Extra anchovies on His Majesty's pizza.
- Extra cheese too. - Okay.
- It's a girl. - It isn't.
It's obvious.
- Why lie? - I'm not.
Just say it's a girl.
- Films can be so dishonest. - What?
The trouble starts after the film ends.
Hold on...
Films like that make us unhappy. The stuff they show is impossible.
They're made for each other. Anyone can see that, except them.
What does that mean anyway?
Weren't you meeting the man of your life soon?
Maybe but it requires organization.
Organization?
I have to know what kind of guy before I start looking.
You know what kind of guy you need? That's good.
Hey...
What?
Want the list of his qualities? Or his failings?
- You have a list? - Two.
Plus a list of all the single men I know,
with qualities and failings to compare with the ideal man's profile.
- With ratings for qualities. - Of course.
For example, a non-smoker rates 4.
Carry on smoking, you're way down the list.
I'm on it?
Of course. I know you and you're single.
The two criteria to get on it.
So what have you put?
Let me see...
Puerile, irresponsible, cowardly,
fearful, disorderly, smoker,
heavy drinker and no glamour.
I stand a good chance then.
Any serious competition?
Actually, you're the only one.
But I've thought it over and you owe me a husband.
True.
You know a lot of people?
It depends.
You mean real people or video game characters?
Ever made love?
Of course you have. What a dumb question.
And you?
Ever made love?
Yeah...
How do you waste the giant toad?
Hi...
Come on up.
Seeing the New Year in?
Well, it is New Year's Eve.
Yeah. The pits.
Want to come?
Florence wants to meet people. She could meet you.
No.
I'd rather finish this.
If I can stay here?
Cool. You'll be back late?
- No. Why? - Because I'm kind of tired, see.
Since I'm already here, maybe I could stay the night.
Good evening.
What?
Lady Di, meet my pal. My pal, Lady Di.
Delighted.
- Not ready? - I am.
So I'm overdressed, right?
It's not the ostrich show, it's a party.
And like this?
Much more casual.
Let's go. We'll stop off at my place...
I haven't been to a party for ten years.
I might have forgotten what to do.
- Nothing's changed. - Set me straight.
We get there, then what?
Okay...
The tricky moment is arriving. We don't know anyone.
We get spotted and put in one of three categories.
What categories?
Fuckable, unfuckable or shacked up.
I remember. Then we get a drink, looking relaxed.
Right.
Now we check the others out.
Shacked up.
Shacked up but fuckable.
Too easily fuckable.
Spotted someone?
The guy in the black jacket.
Shacked up. He has two glasses. Plus he's a faggot.
What do we do now?
We sit here and we drink.
Together, we look shacked up, meaning we're not seen as unfuckable.
How do we change categories?
- Take your sweater off. - Really?
- Got a bra on? - Yes.
Take that off too.
My character has a vorpal blade!
Anyone hassles me,
I roll the dice
and slice his head off!
Happy New Year!
Where were you?
Happy New Year, Toto!
- I'm going. - No! It's great here!
Too great for me!
Stay! We'll have fun!
Stay, Toto!
Happy New Year!
I'll use the bathroom.
What's going on?
Bad night?
Lisa made tea. Want some?
What the hell is this?
- A guy can make love... - She's 15, asshole!
Going on 16.
You're banging a 15-year-old!
Cut it out, will you? That's a sick way to talk!
Aren't you happy for me?
You're not hungry?
You're a pig!
- You're a real pig! - I'm not!
Does Florence know?
No.
- You won't tell her? - No, you will.
That's cool.
You'll tell her.
Are you crazy? She's 15.
I don't believe it!
Shower's free, baby.
It's too soon after my meal.
Go and wash.
You big kid. He's hopeless.
Something wrong?
You're not bothered by me and Fat Bill?
Of course not.
We're totally in love.
Your pal's too much!
Peace is on its way
Is refusing a blow-job rude?
- What? - I'm serious.
It depends. If he asks politely...
I'm sick of being single.
Guys get so touchy if you turn them down.
I know...
Did you have a good time?
You don't look too hot.
You left early though.
What's wrong?
You're weird.
I was born weird.
You need to unwind a bit.
Relax. You're so tense...
I need to relax.
Relax.
There. This make you relax.
We must put energy back because you have no energy left.
That's why you can't relax.
Rest half an hour to restore energy.
- Where are you going? - Relax...
I need to use the bathroom.
What?
I need to pee.
It's true, it is kind of relaxing.
Here. This is the bathroom.
Thomas?
You're into acupuncture now?
I don't know.
Tom, meet Dexter.
We have a gig tomorrow. Cole Porter, if you're interested.
Sure. Are you two together?
We met in New York.
Ah, yes.
The city of skyscrapers...
- Urinate or not urinate? - Urinate.
Okay then...
I'll leave you to it.
See you tomorrow maybe.
It was good to see you.
Yes, maybe.
What?
- I just bumped into Sarah. - OK.
Whiskey, beer or hot toddy?
Know how many people live in Paris?
This is the only liquor I have.
The probability of meeting her
at the lowest point in my life is infinitesimal!
Thanks.
Jesus, I'm an atheist and God hates me too.
The acupuncturist wasn't your lowest point?
She was with her new guy.
A jazzman.
So...
Dexter... A blend of Wesley Snipes and David Beckham.
Dexter Coleman?
She's with Dexter Coleman?
He's famous?
Kind of. He's Dexter Coleman.
I'm dumb. I should play the trumpet too.
Women prefer a Dexter Coleman to a Captain Laser.
That's true.
What?
- Something wrong? - No.
When we were kids, you always took your gum out first.
Before we kissed.
Are you sure?
Yes...
But I...
I was putting my gum down.
I'll go now.
- I ruined your evening. - It's okay.
The keys are on the table.
Lock up after you.
Let's go, Lucas!
Super Gamer... Hello.
Sorry, all our testers are in a meeting.
I can't disturb their soccer game. Can I take a message?
- You fucked Lisa's mom? - Yes.
It just happened.
We didn't think it over first.
What do I do now?
I should call her and tell her,
"We screwed up, too bad."
But if she doesn't agree and enjoyed it,
because I did,
I'll make her unhappy and I don't want to do that.
You fucked Lisa's mom? What will Lisa say?
Do we care?
She's her mother though.
So?
I wouldn't want you fucking mine.
She's great but I don't want to fuck her.
You never know!
Maybe you're a major mom-fucker.
Are you crazy?
Too easy. Want me to fuck yours?
Cut it out, okay.
Not a pretty image, is it?
So keep away from my mom!
You're as dim as a 5-watt bulb.
- Was it good? - That's not the issue.
- So it wasn't good. - It was!
Very good, in fact.
The trouble is he's fragile and I don't want to hurt him.
Men love to be hurt. It's true.
Give him the bungee treatment.
Sleep with him, then reject him.
The more you reject them, the better the sex.
Stop it, that's depressing. No, I'll call him.
I'll call him and suggest we just stay friends.
- What? - He's seen you naked.
- So? - Too late. He's seen you naked.
Each time you meet, he'll imagine you naked.
Either he sleeps with you in his mind
or he sleeps with you... with you.
Don't even think about it!
There must be a way.
I just need to think.
I'm sure there is.
- I'm expected. - Go on in.
Good evening.
Very smart.
I dress up for separations.
We're not together.
That's what I was thinking but...
I thought maybe you thought we were.
When you said you'd been thinking,
I thought you'd decided to dump me.
So I dressed up smart.
I've been thinking too.
- We're not together? - No.
- So you're not dumping me. - Nope.
That's cool.
So, what did you think about?
Well, um...
For starters... it was very enjoyable.
For me too.
I thought it would be a shame to stop...
But you don't want anything serious.
Good because you're not my type.
- Not at all. - Not at all.
So...
How can we go on...
while remaining...
- You're asking me? - No, I know how.
- Ah... - OK.
"The Five Laws of Sexual Friendship"?
Here.
What do we want exactly?
To stay friends, making love from time to time, with no ties.
So we need rules.
Read it, it's clear.
We can discuss the various points.
"Article 1: we're honest with each other.
If one of us lies, it's over.
Article 2: if we fall in love with someone else, it's over."
Only natural.
"Article 3: if one of us becomes too clingy,
it's over."
It's not at all romantic.
Not at all.
That's good.
"Article 4: if one of us wants it to end, it ends.
Article 5..."
The last one.
"If one of us sleeps with someone else,
we talk about it."
- We'll deal with that when it happens. - OK.
Hold onto it. I have a copy.
Well? Do you agree?
You don't.
- You think it can't work? - No, it can.
If we follow the rules.
When you think, you really think!
I fancy some more crab.
- Okay? - Okay.
POT MARIGOLD NON TOXIC
MONDAY, APRIL 16
Yes...?
Come on...
Is this okay?
- How do I look? - Hyper elegant.
It my dad's suit. My late dad's.
His aftershave too?
What's that?
That's my family emblem. I thought it might help.
Maybe...
Let's go.
She'll never agree anyway.
Come on, she will. She's really cool, believe me.
- You're sure? - Positive.
- Totally? - One hundred percent.
Sure, sure, sure?
Yes!
- Hi. - Hi. Okay?
I guess.
You told her?
Told her what? Everything?
Hey...
Mom, meet Fat Bill, my sweetheart.
My mother, Florence.
- Come here! - What?
I don't want you seeing that elephant! You're only 15, dammit!
At 15, you were banging a guy who'd never heard of condoms!
I knew that would happen.
It's not easy for her. Try to understand.
Give her time.
You think I'm a moron or something?
No...
You hesitated a lot.
That's not an easy question.
Lisa...
I've been waiting for her since I was 15.
We're made for each other.
She's the woman of my life.
The first one always feels that way.
- Really? - Yes.
I'm not staying here.
Let's go to your place.
My mom's at home.
She is?
Good, I need a new mom.
She's all yours.
Okay?
Whatever I say will annoy you.
Your fat friend bangs my daughter at your place?
That's one way to look at it.
"Article 1: we're honest. If one of us lies, it's over."
You want to end it?
"Article 4: if one of us wants it to end, it ends."
Rules help. You don't need to talk.
Can I use it?
It's my fault.
I screw up. I have kids. If I screw up, my kids will too.
- They're in love. - Bullshit!
You may watch loads of half-baked romantic movies,
but you know shit about love!
And you do?
I lived with someone for seven years!
Without you, I'd still be with him
and I'd be happy!
OK.
I'm not dressed for this.
We weren't together!
Don't insult screwing up.
We screwed up for four months and I've never screwed up better!
So don't talk crap!
I need a change in my life.
Yep...
- She lives with him now? - Not really.
She won't tell me.
She only leaves her room to eat or to go off somewhere.
I can't punish her.
- Jason, stop that. - That's Brandon.
Should I let her do this?
What else can you do? The message is clear.
"Mom, I'm sexually active.
P.S. I love fat men. Your loving daughter."
I found lubricant in her room.
You searched her room? Shame on you!
What brand of lubricant?
I thought we'd stopped speaking.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY
THAT I ACTED LIKE A...
SINCE WE PARTED, MY LIFE IS...
Cube-shaped, with red arms?
NOT MY BEST PIECE, TRUE.
BUT I HAVE A SHOW NEXT SATURDAY
IF YOU CAME, I'D BE...
Shut up...
Hello?
It's Florence. How are you?
- Great. And you? - I'm okay.
Would you be interested in apologizing for what you did?
Apologizing? You dumped me.
Well, you lied to me.
Because you're too uptight for the truth.
That you never told me!
- You're too uptight. - Okay, enough.
Sure you're okay?
I don't have a baby-sitter for Lucas.
Going out?
Yeah...
- Where? - In your ass.
Liar.
So you want me to baby-sit.
I thought it could be a way of making up for things
but I'll manage.
I was going to a party but if it'll help you...
Really? You'll do it?
I'm not apologizing.
Can you be here in an hour?
- An hour? - Too soon?
No, the time to get there.
You're fantastic!
You're welcome.
Bang on time.
Okay, I apologize.
I should have told you about Lisa and Fat Bill.
That's true. Anyhow, I'm glad you're here.
It sounded important.
And with me out, my folks are less embarrassed to make love.
Lucas! Come down. Tom's looking after you tonight.
I'll be back by 11:00. Lucas has eaten. Lucas!
In bed by 10:00 but I've put the clock forward
so you can grant him an extra 15 minutes.
In bed by 10:00.
That's how it is. See you later.
- Be good. - You too.
She's really elegant.
- Why's she dressed like that? - No idea.
Has she met someone?
You don't know anything.
Drinking my whisky and Coke?
I'm sure she's met someone.
Girls are like that.
When they decide to meet someone, they do.
How the hell do they do it?
Got a sweetheart?
Here.
Yeah, save that hassle for later.
I love Jennifer but she's with Jason.
What's so special about Jason?
He has better grades.
She's after a stable guy.
What do you do?
I eat flowers.
Yes...
- Does it work? - She thinks it's weird.
Stop right there. I've used the weird guy ploy and it's a dud.
Do you like my mom?
She's always saying nasty things about you.
Really?
Yeah, but in the beginning, Jennifer
was always saying nasty things about Jason.
So that means... you think your mom loves me?
Maybe.
Listen...
Will you help me out?
Momma,
I'm Darth Vader.
And I order you to listen to this message,
this message
that comes from up there!
Come on, son.
Let's clean you up.
Be more careful with your baby-sitters.
We'll clean up tomorrow.
Yes...
Is your New York correspondent still dead?
Have you noticed that we men
can't urinate like dogs? It's physically impossible.
It must be to do with the axis.
I accept.
What do you mean?
It's a long way.
When can I go?
Yeah, yeah...
There's paperwork to sort out. Two or three weeks.
Perfect.
Super Gamer is proud to count you among...
our only permanent correspondent in the USA.
You speak English?
Yes.
You're going to New York because of my mom?
For real?
No, not at all.
I swear. I'm not the kind to run away from trouble.
Sure!
What do you do?
- We're okay. - We're okay.
We're onto a deal, thanks to Saddam.
This guy knows a shitload of stuff about mom psychology.
That's right. I noticed their story was strangely similar
to "Gone With the Mutant".
In that movie, there's a pubescent young girl
who is in love with a fat mutant.
It all works out
since they use the marriage ploy.
When they marry, her mother sees she's in love
and even marries a mutant herself.
Exactly.
So...
we're getting married.
Married?
I don't want to get you down, okay,
but you'll need your mom's consent.
Only on this planet.
In another space-time, anything is possible.
That's where this guy really knows his stuff.
Not bad, huh?
"Lisa and Fat Bill marry on Qo'nosh."
Qo'nos! Honestly...
What do you think?
- Your mom will agree on Qo'nos? - Yes
She already has.
You're serious?
It was that or she lost her daughter for good.
It's an honour for me to celebrate love.
In the icy void of space, two beings can meet at times.
And these rare encounters give birth to stars.
You are now husband and wife.
May your descendants permeate the galaxy.
Gorok to you all!
You're beautiful.
Stay in touch.
That's what you pay me for.
Oh yeah...
Yeah, you're right.
- Are you well? - Ah yes.
Excuse me.
You've made up with everyone, I see.
Except you.
I'll make it easy for you.
Congratulations for Lisa. And for Pascal.
I wanted to tell you...
I...
I wasn't very receptive last time.
Not at all.
It was your usual reaction. Without any sensitivity.
Without any sensitivity? I'm insensitive?
Yes, totally insensitive.
I'm not insensitive.
No one's more insensitive than you!
Excuse me...
Can we have some quiet?
Thanks.
My best friend, Cynthia, will say a few words.
Go ahead.
Moving forward,
Lisa, you're the best friend ever.
It's really great you've found happiness and...
It's true that we all found it really weird of you
wanting to go out
with Mr. Fat Bill here.
But, in fact, you were right
because in fact
love is stronger than anything.
And so I wanted to say,
I want to say...
I'm totally in love with Xavier.
Xavier, I love you.
There.
Bravo!
You first.
I'm a really sensitive girl, okay.
I'm a bundle of sensitivity.
In fact, the slightest thing can make me...
Spare me the act.
It's not an act.
I'm just abnormally sensitive, that's all!
"Starsky & Hutch" makes me cry.
Which episode?
- What? - Which episode?
When Starksy's wounded in a diner.
No good. That one's sad.
That's typical of you!
You've always been a bad sport. You hate losing!
I hate losing?
I love losing!
I'm a total loser!
What would my life be if I didn't love it?
Look at me, I'm losing you again and I couldn't be happier.
You're happy? Stay happy!
I'm happy too, to see you get out of my life!
I mean it.
I can live with a jerk who sells hovels
and bangs clients on the side! Isn't that fantastic?
I don't need you to be happy.
I'm a fulfilled woman. And really sensitive too!
- I keep running after you! - You can't run!
You can't even say you love me!
Who's saying who loves who here? I am!
And I'm useless at it!
You knew what I was saying?
Sure...
But I thought I wasn't your type.
So? Does that stop us?
You're sure?
Of course I'm not.
I leave for New York tomorrow at 8:00.
Okay, I'm sure, you're the one.
It's too late now.
Umm...
And can't you...
stay?
And can't you... not go?
Of course. I understand.
The list of your qualities in case you asked why I like you.
You're not asking?
Keep it. I have a copy. Read it on the plane.
Shall we kiss?
- Why not? - You'll use your tongue again.
Well then...
Goodbye, Thomas Walkovich.
Goodbye, Florence Baron.
- Come on, hurry. - Where are we going?
What is it?
I forgot to say. Mr. Lee called.
And I'm leaving you.
Go back to sleep.
Did anyone else pack this case?
My mother.
She just gave me a hand.
Thank you.
I can explain.
Wait..
It's this guy. We met as kids. We were nine.
I was a brunette and he was fat
and the trouble now is
he's out there.
It's too late?
It's too late.
Thanks.
Sorry.
Never mind.
Look after my son! I'll be right back.
Open the door!
That's not really what happened.
She'd have had to be at the airport
but she never came.
As if I would have after the way you dumped me!
Plus, I didn't have a ticket for the flight.
Right...
But the main thing is I came in the end right?
- Six months later! - I had to get organized,
sell the house, get leave...
I'm not denying that. It's just a bit less romantic.
But more economical.
I got a flight half-price on the Net.
You're right. She's right.
That's right.
Life here is the usual. Tom wakes...
- At 11:00 - At 12:30.
That way we have lunch together.
I lunch, he breakfasts.
Maybe, but after I work my butt off
before picking Lucas up at 4:00.
Twice, so far. And don't we know it!
Well, anyhow... Lisa and Fat Bill visit us regularly.
They want a child but Fat Bill's sperm count is nil.
No, the doctor said he had sperm, he just didn't know where.
There, that's it.
In short, the usual.
Yeah, the usual.
What does this remind you of?
- The Paris suburbs. - Exactly. The same architect, I reckon.
- This is good. - You bet.
Stop it! For the first time ever, everything seems perfect.
That's right.
Apart from the gum stuck to my butt...
- Very romantic! - It's pretty uncomfortable...
- That's funny. - No it's not.
Look...