1 00:00:27,135 --> 00:00:28,719 Guardian of the universe. 2 00:00:28,804 --> 00:00:30,554 Protecting us against the forces of evil. 3 00:00:30,639 --> 00:00:31,764 The superpowers of this man... 4 00:00:31,848 --> 00:00:32,848 He can catch a bullet, 5 00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,183 halt a speeding train. 6 00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:36,685 And leap tall buildings in a single bound. 7 00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:38,479 - Up in the sky... - Is it a bird? 8 00:00:39,022 --> 00:00:40,314 A mailman by day... 9 00:00:40,398 --> 00:00:41,899 City's guardian by night. 10 00:00:41,983 --> 00:00:45,152 Defending the citizens of New York from the forces of evil. 11 00:00:45,237 --> 00:00:48,447 The world has been protected by a group of extraordinary men and women 12 00:00:48,532 --> 00:00:50,533 who have dedicated themselves to fighting crime. 13 00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:52,618 Mysterious traveler from another dimension. 14 00:00:52,702 --> 00:00:56,914 He has powers far beyond the capabilities of mere earthlings. 15 00:01:08,009 --> 00:01:11,011 I always wondered why nobody did it before me. 16 00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:16,433 I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows, 17 00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:21,272 you'd think that one eccentric Ioner would have made himself a costume. 18 00:01:22,858 --> 00:01:25,734 I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? 19 00:01:26,027 --> 00:01:27,862 Are schools and offices so thrilling 20 00:01:27,946 --> 00:01:30,156 that I'm the only one who ever fantasized about this? 21 00:01:32,284 --> 00:01:33,868 Come on, be honest with yourself. 22 00:01:35,078 --> 00:01:38,706 At some point in our lives, we all wanted to be a superhero. 23 00:01:54,890 --> 00:01:56,932 That's not me, by the way. 24 00:01:57,392 --> 00:02:01,437 That's some Armenian guy with a history of mental health problems. 25 00:02:02,147 --> 00:02:05,191 Who am I? I'm Kick-Ass. 26 00:02:15,368 --> 00:02:18,996 That's me, back before any of this crazy shit happened. 27 00:02:20,165 --> 00:02:24,168 I guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. 28 00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:27,880 I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, 29 00:02:27,964 --> 00:02:30,466 but there was nothing special, either. 30 00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:32,885 - Asshole. - I wasn't into sports. 31 00:02:32,969 --> 00:02:35,554 I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer. 32 00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:39,308 I didn't have a piercing or an eating disorder 33 00:02:39,392 --> 00:02:41,518 or 3,000 friends on MySpace. 34 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:45,356 My only superpower was being invisible to girls. 35 00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:49,902 And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. 36 00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:53,280 Like most people my age, I just existed. 37 00:03:04,292 --> 00:03:05,876 Good morning, class. 38 00:03:05,961 --> 00:03:09,380 Please open your books to Act 2, Scene 2. 39 00:03:10,465 --> 00:03:13,842 Kick in my bedroom door, and you'd probably find me watching TV 40 00:03:14,511 --> 00:03:16,220 or talking to my friend Todd on Skype... 41 00:03:16,304 --> 00:03:18,889 - Are you watching Family Guy? - Nope. 42 00:03:18,974 --> 00:03:22,851 Me, either. Check out nippleslip. Com. It's good. 43 00:03:26,231 --> 00:03:29,316 Or jerking off, mostly to my English teacher. 44 00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:32,403 Dave Lizewski. 45 00:03:32,487 --> 00:03:36,156 Don't think I haven't noticed you looking at my tits, Dave. 46 00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:40,202 I want your hands all over me, Dave. 47 00:03:40,829 --> 00:03:41,996 Please. 48 00:03:43,331 --> 00:03:45,874 Sure, a lot of what got me through the average school day 49 00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:49,420 was making deposits in the whack-off warehouse for later. 50 00:03:49,504 --> 00:03:51,255 Though to be honest, 51 00:03:51,339 --> 00:03:53,799 it didn't take much to set me off. 52 00:03:54,592 --> 00:03:57,261 I swear, when my hormones balance out, 53 00:03:57,345 --> 00:03:59,638 shares in Kleenex are gonna take a dive, man. 54 00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:07,438 Dave Lizewski, shouldn't you be looking at Hamlet right now? 55 00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,106 Yes, Mrs. Zane. 56 00:04:11,401 --> 00:04:12,735 I'm sorry. 57 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:17,364 But don't get me wrong. I like girls my own age, too. 58 00:04:18,199 --> 00:04:20,242 Especially Katie Deauxma. 59 00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:21,327 Hey, gorgeous. 60 00:04:22,037 --> 00:04:23,120 Hey. 61 00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:27,708 Oh, no. 62 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:33,172 You meant Erika. I know. I knew that. 63 00:04:33,381 --> 00:04:34,882 I was just kidding. 64 00:04:35,383 --> 00:04:36,925 Okay, cool. 65 00:04:37,594 --> 00:04:39,011 Oh, my God. 66 00:04:43,141 --> 00:04:45,184 Hey. Look, I'm Todd's mom. 67 00:04:47,729 --> 00:04:49,730 That's funny. This is your dad. 68 00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:52,024 No, that's still my mom, actually. 69 00:04:54,611 --> 00:04:56,070 What the fuck! 70 00:04:56,529 --> 00:04:58,197 I was just a regular guy. 71 00:04:58,281 --> 00:05:03,077 No radioactive spiders, no refugee status from a doomed alien world. 72 00:05:03,411 --> 00:05:06,580 You know what? Todd said they do still make Count Chocula. 73 00:05:06,664 --> 00:05:09,583 They just don't sell it at the store anymore. 74 00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,462 My mother was killed by an aneurism in the kitchen... 75 00:05:13,546 --> 00:05:16,298 - Mom? as opposed to a gunman in the alley. 76 00:05:16,383 --> 00:05:17,466 So if you were hoping for any, 77 00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:20,803 "I will avenge you, Mother!" 78 00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:22,096 You're out of luck. 79 00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:24,390 In the 18 months since my mother died, 80 00:05:24,474 --> 00:05:28,102 the only epiphany I had was realizing that life just goes on. 81 00:05:28,186 --> 00:05:30,479 Did they change the bee's face? 82 00:05:31,606 --> 00:05:32,606 No. 83 00:05:40,657 --> 00:05:43,325 How come nobody's ever tried to be a superhero? 84 00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:44,493 Boy, I don't know. 85 00:05:44,577 --> 00:05:46,662 Probably 'cause it's fucking impossible, dipshit. 86 00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:49,915 What, putting on a mask and helping people? How's that impossible? 87 00:05:49,999 --> 00:05:52,126 That's not superhero, though. How is that super? 88 00:05:52,210 --> 00:05:55,712 Super's like being stronger than everybody and flying and shit. That's just hero. 89 00:05:55,797 --> 00:05:58,715 No, it's not even hero. It's just fucking psycho. 90 00:05:58,800 --> 00:05:59,842 Mmm. 91 00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:02,302 Hello? Bruce Wayne? He didn't have any powers. 92 00:06:02,387 --> 00:06:04,763 Yes, but he had all the expensive shit that doesn't exist. 93 00:06:04,848 --> 00:06:07,057 I thought you meant, like, "How come nobody does it in real life?" 94 00:06:07,142 --> 00:06:08,434 Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant. 95 00:06:08,518 --> 00:06:11,186 Dude, if anybody did it in real life, they'd get their ass kicked. 96 00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:13,313 - They'd be dead in, like, a day. - A day. 97 00:06:13,398 --> 00:06:15,232 Yeah, okay, I'm not saying they should do it. 98 00:06:15,316 --> 00:06:17,109 I just can't figure out why nobody does. 99 00:06:17,777 --> 00:06:21,238 Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes, 100 00:06:21,322 --> 00:06:23,490 you'd think one would give it a try. 101 00:06:24,325 --> 00:06:26,452 Jesus, guys, does it not bug you? 102 00:06:26,536 --> 00:06:28,245 Why thousands of people wanna be Paris Hilton 103 00:06:28,329 --> 00:06:29,705 and nobody wants to be Spider-Man? 104 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:32,708 Yeah, what's with that? She has, like, no tits at all. 105 00:06:32,792 --> 00:06:35,252 Maybe it's the porn tape. He doesn't have a porn tape. 106 00:06:35,336 --> 00:06:37,004 You guys never saw One Night in Spider-Man? 107 00:06:39,716 --> 00:06:40,841 Guess who? 108 00:06:45,096 --> 00:06:48,765 Is it me or do you kind of feel sorry for Chris D'Amico? 109 00:06:48,850 --> 00:06:51,477 Yeah, it must be terrible to have a rich dad and everything you want. 110 00:06:51,561 --> 00:06:52,644 I wish you wouldn't have said anything 111 00:06:52,729 --> 00:06:55,105 - 'cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying. - Right. 112 00:06:55,190 --> 00:06:57,733 The fact that he's always on his own? 113 00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:03,697 We should, like, talk to him. See if he wants to hang out with us. 114 00:07:03,781 --> 00:07:05,616 I didn't say we should talk to him. I just... 115 00:07:05,700 --> 00:07:07,159 Think about it. Come on, it'd be awesome. 116 00:07:07,243 --> 00:07:10,245 If he was our friend, no one would ever fuck with us again. 117 00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:11,538 Well, go on then, Todd. You wanna... 118 00:07:11,623 --> 00:07:12,623 - I can get up. - No, no... 119 00:07:12,707 --> 00:07:15,125 - You wanna go talk to him? I can move. - Dave... Dave should go. 120 00:07:15,210 --> 00:07:17,419 - Dave should go. - Why? 121 00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:18,962 - Dave, you should totally go. - Go. 122 00:07:19,047 --> 00:07:20,714 - You're a dick. - Don't be afraid, Dave. 123 00:07:20,798 --> 00:07:22,341 You're a pussy. 124 00:07:29,390 --> 00:07:30,641 Fuck off. 125 00:07:36,731 --> 00:07:37,898 Did you spray anything over there? 126 00:07:37,982 --> 00:07:41,068 Yeah, I think I might have just shat in my pants a little. 127 00:07:41,486 --> 00:07:43,278 - See you later. - God, see you. 128 00:07:43,613 --> 00:07:46,240 If that guy would have spoken to me like that, I would have kicked his ass. 129 00:07:46,324 --> 00:07:48,575 Todd, when have you ever kicked anyone's ass? 130 00:07:48,660 --> 00:07:51,203 Whatever, man. I would have just gone for his knees. 131 00:07:51,287 --> 00:07:53,830 - You're not making sense. - What I'm saying is the centrifugal force 132 00:07:53,915 --> 00:07:56,917 of Batman's batarang would undoubtedly penetrate the Joker's force field, 133 00:07:57,001 --> 00:07:58,502 - leaving him totally vulnerable to the... - All right... 134 00:07:58,586 --> 00:07:59,586 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 135 00:07:59,671 --> 00:08:01,421 - Pussy patrol. - Fuck. 136 00:08:01,589 --> 00:08:04,466 - Phones, money. - Dude, not again, come on. 137 00:08:06,719 --> 00:08:08,011 - Phone. - I don't have one. 138 00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:10,931 - Someone else jacked it last week. - Pussy. 139 00:08:11,182 --> 00:08:13,684 - Give me the bag. - It's just comics. 140 00:08:13,768 --> 00:08:15,686 Yo, you want to get cut? 141 00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:28,282 Look at this asshole just watching. 142 00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:35,455 Come on, be honest with yourself. 143 00:08:36,291 --> 00:08:38,709 Would you do anything differently? 144 00:08:40,378 --> 00:08:43,589 We see someone in trouble and we wish we could help, 145 00:08:43,673 --> 00:08:45,132 but we don't. 146 00:08:49,470 --> 00:08:53,390 The world I lived in, heroes only existed in comic books. 147 00:08:54,892 --> 00:08:59,313 And I guess that would have been okay if bad guys were make-believe, too. 148 00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:01,648 But they're not. 149 00:09:02,650 --> 00:09:06,069 Frankie, I'm telling you, man, I swear I'm not making this up. 150 00:09:06,321 --> 00:09:10,824 This fucking guy comes out of nowhere, kicks our asses, 151 00:09:10,908 --> 00:09:12,909 and steals all the coke. 152 00:09:12,994 --> 00:09:14,745 This would be the guy that looks like Batman? 153 00:09:14,829 --> 00:09:16,580 I didn't say he looked like Batman. 154 00:09:16,664 --> 00:09:19,458 You did, Tre. You said the guy looked like Batman. 155 00:09:19,542 --> 00:09:21,585 - He said like a mask and stuff. - And a cape. 156 00:09:21,669 --> 00:09:23,837 - Yeah, like Batman. - I didn't say "Like Batman." 157 00:09:23,921 --> 00:09:25,505 I never said "Batman." 158 00:09:25,590 --> 00:09:26,673 Okay. 159 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,761 Let me tell you the problem I got with that, Tre. 160 00:09:30,845 --> 00:09:34,556 Our mole with the Russians tells things a little different. 161 00:09:35,642 --> 00:09:39,811 According to him, you sold him my coke and you took the money. 162 00:09:39,896 --> 00:09:41,730 That's a fucking lie! 163 00:09:42,231 --> 00:09:46,276 I can't believe that you would believe this shit from a fucking Russian, man! 164 00:09:46,361 --> 00:09:49,363 Let me see, Tre. Hey, what's more likely, huh? 165 00:09:49,781 --> 00:09:54,660 That you're a greedy little cocksucker or all my coke was stolen by Superman? 166 00:09:54,952 --> 00:09:56,620 - Batman. - I never said Batman! 167 00:09:56,704 --> 00:09:57,871 Enough! 168 00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:04,378 Now my son is waiting out there in the car to go to the movies, 169 00:10:04,462 --> 00:10:06,046 and I ain't gonna disappoint him. 170 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,216 Joe, you're in charge. 171 00:10:09,634 --> 00:10:11,009 - Frank... Frankie! - That's gotta be the worst 172 00:10:11,094 --> 00:10:13,470 fucking excuse I ever heard, Tre. 173 00:10:20,895 --> 00:10:23,939 - Sorry you had to wait, buddy. - The movie is starting in 10 minutes. 174 00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:27,317 It's okay. We're cool. We're only gonna miss the trailers. 175 00:10:27,402 --> 00:10:29,319 Yeah. But I want to get some popcorn. 176 00:10:29,404 --> 00:10:31,238 When we get in there, get Chris some popcorn. 177 00:10:31,322 --> 00:10:33,532 - Okay? - You fucking motherfuckers! 178 00:10:33,616 --> 00:10:34,991 What do you want to drink? You want a Pepsi? 179 00:10:35,076 --> 00:10:38,370 - Yeah, that's fine. - Get him a Pepsi, and I'll have an Icee. 180 00:10:38,454 --> 00:10:39,621 Mixed. 181 00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:42,040 Like when they mix the red one and the blue one. 182 00:10:44,293 --> 00:10:46,086 And a pack of Twizzlers. 183 00:11:07,608 --> 00:11:09,818 The comic books had it wrong. 184 00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:14,906 It didn't take a trauma or cosmic rays or a power ring to make a superhero. 185 00:11:16,534 --> 00:11:20,287 Just the perfect combination of optimism and naivety. 186 00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:56,865 You are fucking awesome. 187 00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:01,703 Come on then, bring it on! 188 00:12:28,856 --> 00:12:30,106 Daddy, I'm scared. 189 00:12:30,191 --> 00:12:32,108 Come on, Mindy, honey. 190 00:12:32,193 --> 00:12:34,945 Be a big girl now. There's nothing to be afraid of. 191 00:12:35,279 --> 00:12:37,864 - Is it gonna hurt bad? - Oh, child. 192 00:12:38,449 --> 00:12:40,242 Only for a second, sugar. 193 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:43,370 A handgun bullet travels at... More than? 194 00:12:43,454 --> 00:12:45,956 - 700 miles an hour. - 700 miles an hour. 195 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:50,126 So at close range like this, the force is gonna take you off your feet for sure, 196 00:12:50,711 --> 00:12:53,338 but it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest. 197 00:12:53,881 --> 00:12:55,298 I hate getting punched in the chest. 198 00:12:56,551 --> 00:12:58,885 You're gonna be fine, baby doll. 199 00:13:06,310 --> 00:13:08,562 How was that? Not so bad. 200 00:13:09,146 --> 00:13:12,065 Kind of fun, huh? Now you know how it feels. 201 00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:15,694 You won't be scared when some junkie asshole pulls a Glock. 202 00:13:15,778 --> 00:13:18,572 - I wouldn't have been scared anyways. - That's my girl. 203 00:13:18,656 --> 00:13:22,993 All right, up you get. Come on. Two more rounds and then home. 204 00:13:23,202 --> 00:13:24,911 - Again? - Uh-huh. 205 00:13:25,621 --> 00:13:28,331 Look, only if we can go by the bowling alley on the way back. 206 00:13:28,791 --> 00:13:30,333 The bowling alley? 207 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,794 Yeah. And ice cream after. 208 00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:34,296 Huh. 209 00:13:35,089 --> 00:13:37,507 Okay. Two more rounds. 210 00:13:37,758 --> 00:13:43,054 No wincing, no whining, and you got yourself a deal, young lady. 211 00:13:43,139 --> 00:13:46,016 Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae. 212 00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:47,934 Good call, baby doll. 213 00:13:51,272 --> 00:13:54,816 So, have you thought a little more about what you might want for your birthday? 214 00:13:55,610 --> 00:13:56,985 Can I get a puppy? 215 00:13:58,487 --> 00:13:59,738 You wanna get a dog? 216 00:13:59,947 --> 00:14:01,865 Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one. 217 00:14:01,949 --> 00:14:04,367 And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha. 218 00:14:09,624 --> 00:14:11,333 I'm just fucking with you, Daddy. 219 00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:14,127 Look, I'd love a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife. 220 00:14:15,087 --> 00:14:16,379 Oh, child. 221 00:14:16,631 --> 00:14:18,965 You always knock me for a loop. 222 00:14:19,050 --> 00:14:20,133 - You know what? - What? 223 00:14:20,217 --> 00:14:22,177 - I'm gonna get you two. - Two? 224 00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:25,305 One balisong. Two balisong. That's what you get. 225 00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:47,035 "The glass of fashion and the mold of form 226 00:14:47,119 --> 00:14:50,747 "The observed of all observers quite, quite down! 227 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:54,000 "And I, of ladies most deject and wretched..." 228 00:15:00,007 --> 00:15:01,299 I'll be honest, 229 00:15:01,384 --> 00:15:05,470 there wasn't a whole lot of crime-fighting in those first few weeks. 230 00:15:05,554 --> 00:15:08,723 But even so, my new vocation kept me plenty busy. 231 00:15:14,021 --> 00:15:15,021 Shit. 232 00:15:15,106 --> 00:15:17,065 I called it preparation. 233 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:24,948 But if you called it fantasizing, it would have been hard to argue. 234 00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:29,035 All I knew was I'd never felt so good about myself. 235 00:15:46,178 --> 00:15:47,262 Fuck! 236 00:15:48,347 --> 00:15:51,558 Okay, maybe I was still in the beta-testing phase, 237 00:15:52,143 --> 00:15:53,893 but it was a start. 238 00:16:10,911 --> 00:16:12,537 What the fuck are you looking at? 239 00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:15,707 - Nothing. - Get the fuck out of here. 240 00:16:20,921 --> 00:16:23,006 Like every serial killer already knew, 241 00:16:23,090 --> 00:16:26,718 eventually, fantasizing just doesn't do it for you anymore. 242 00:16:27,219 --> 00:16:29,095 It was time to engage. 243 00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:33,058 Hurry up, man. 244 00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,103 What the fuck? 245 00:16:46,030 --> 00:16:47,739 What the fuck you looking at? 246 00:16:48,699 --> 00:16:51,409 I said, what the fuck are you looking at? 247 00:16:56,248 --> 00:16:58,708 Two cheap-shit losers screwing with a car 248 00:16:58,793 --> 00:17:02,253 that someone probably worked their ass off to pay for. 249 00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:05,340 - Say what? - Leave it be, man. 250 00:17:06,675 --> 00:17:09,219 This motherfucker is obviously high. 251 00:17:09,970 --> 00:17:11,387 I'm not high. 252 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,307 I just think it sucks you guys think you can do what you want. 253 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:18,436 Just walk away from the car and we can forget about this. 254 00:17:21,315 --> 00:17:23,024 You're crazy, man. 255 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:24,943 Fuck this shit. 256 00:17:38,582 --> 00:17:41,251 - Shit! - Let's get out of here! 257 00:18:22,585 --> 00:18:24,794 I came around for just long enough to beg the medic 258 00:18:24,879 --> 00:18:27,463 not to tell anybody about the costume. 259 00:18:27,882 --> 00:18:29,883 He promised he wouldn't. 260 00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:33,928 All I knew was my dad was gonna kill me. 261 00:18:49,153 --> 00:18:51,821 Why can't I have a gun? I'm a security guard. 262 00:18:51,906 --> 00:18:54,240 You're a doorman now. You don't get a gun no more. 263 00:18:54,325 --> 00:18:55,658 Look at me. I look like a putz. 264 00:18:55,743 --> 00:18:59,829 You look sharp. Look at all them buttons. Do your job. Open the fucking door. 265 00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:04,334 Have a nice day. 266 00:19:32,321 --> 00:19:35,031 - Good morning, Frank. - Hey, Joe, how you doing? 267 00:19:35,115 --> 00:19:37,116 - Great. - Want some coffee? 268 00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:39,494 Uh, maybe later. Morning, Ange. 269 00:19:39,578 --> 00:19:40,620 - Good morning. - Chris. 270 00:19:40,704 --> 00:19:42,372 Good morning, Joe. 271 00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:44,958 Frank, we got a thing. 272 00:19:46,710 --> 00:19:48,670 It's a big thing, Frank. 273 00:19:51,715 --> 00:19:52,840 Okay. 274 00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:54,968 Sorry, hon. 275 00:19:55,594 --> 00:19:56,803 Do what you got to do. 276 00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,268 Chris, where do you think you're going? 277 00:20:03,352 --> 00:20:05,603 - I got to talk to Dad. - Christopher. 278 00:20:05,688 --> 00:20:07,146 Frank, honey! 279 00:20:09,650 --> 00:20:11,025 Where do you think you're going? 280 00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:13,903 I don't... I don't mind you talking business, Dad. 281 00:20:13,988 --> 00:20:15,196 I was just gonna sit in there quietly. 282 00:20:15,281 --> 00:20:17,824 I mean, I should probably start learning this stuff anyway, right? 283 00:20:17,908 --> 00:20:19,450 Hey, go finish your oatmeal. 284 00:20:19,535 --> 00:20:23,496 God damn it! I'm gonna be 18 in eight months, for Christ's sakes. 285 00:20:23,664 --> 00:20:24,831 Fuck. 286 00:20:26,709 --> 00:20:28,126 Take a seat. 287 00:20:31,171 --> 00:20:34,048 - So what's the problem? - Our Russian says that Tre just sold him 288 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,551 another five keys at half price. 289 00:20:37,011 --> 00:20:38,928 Which Tre? Tre Tre? 290 00:20:39,013 --> 00:20:40,680 Right. Dead Tre. 291 00:20:41,181 --> 00:20:43,016 So now I'm getting fucked in the ass by a ghost? 292 00:20:43,350 --> 00:20:44,976 Or Tre was telling the truth. 293 00:20:45,519 --> 00:20:50,356 What, this is my choice, I gotta believe in ghosts or superheroes? 294 00:20:50,733 --> 00:20:52,775 Well, not the part about the superhero, Frankie, 295 00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:56,195 but just that he might have really been gaffled by somebody. 296 00:21:00,242 --> 00:21:03,870 I think we'd better invite our Russian over for a friendly chat, 297 00:21:05,914 --> 00:21:08,041 see what's really going on. 298 00:21:23,474 --> 00:21:24,724 Hey, early birdie. 299 00:21:24,850 --> 00:21:28,186 Aw! You beat me to it. I wanted to get you breakfast this morning. 300 00:21:29,396 --> 00:21:31,397 Happy birthday, sweetheart. 301 00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:34,233 Check this out. 302 00:21:42,993 --> 00:21:44,994 Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! 303 00:21:45,079 --> 00:21:46,496 Oh, my gosh. 304 00:21:46,914 --> 00:21:47,955 Dad. 305 00:21:51,168 --> 00:21:52,251 Wow. 306 00:21:52,586 --> 00:21:53,920 Watch, Dad. 307 00:21:54,296 --> 00:21:55,963 Okay, pop quiz. 308 00:21:56,048 --> 00:21:57,673 What's the proper name for one of those? 309 00:21:57,758 --> 00:22:00,259 Easy, balisong. It's Filipino. Ask me another. 310 00:22:00,344 --> 00:22:01,511 Excellent, good. 311 00:22:01,595 --> 00:22:07,475 The AR-15 was a lighter, smaller caliber version of what design? 312 00:22:07,935 --> 00:22:10,937 Eugene Stoner's AR-10. Now give me a hard one. 313 00:22:11,271 --> 00:22:12,772 The name of 314 00:22:14,274 --> 00:22:17,443 John Woo's first full-length feature? 315 00:22:17,778 --> 00:22:20,029 Tie han rou qing, The Young Dragons. 316 00:22:20,406 --> 00:22:21,781 Daddy, look. 317 00:22:22,074 --> 00:22:24,492 Hey, come on, you're not looking. 318 00:22:26,662 --> 00:22:29,872 The point is, some fucker is killing our guys. 319 00:22:30,374 --> 00:22:32,458 Until we find out who that is, I don't wanna see 320 00:22:32,543 --> 00:22:35,211 any of you bitches sitting around on your asses, all right? 321 00:22:35,295 --> 00:22:36,963 What the fuck do you... 322 00:22:37,381 --> 00:22:38,423 Hello? 323 00:22:39,007 --> 00:22:40,508 Hey, Joe, yeah. 324 00:22:40,759 --> 00:22:42,927 No, he's just training right now. 325 00:22:43,303 --> 00:22:44,303 One second. 326 00:22:45,013 --> 00:22:46,681 Dad, phone! 327 00:22:48,976 --> 00:22:50,852 - Dad, the phone's for you. - Who is it? 328 00:22:51,145 --> 00:22:52,437 It's Joe. 329 00:22:56,775 --> 00:22:58,234 - What's the problem? - Yeah, Frank, 330 00:22:58,318 --> 00:23:00,278 turns out we ain't got the vise here no more. 331 00:23:00,362 --> 00:23:01,612 - Really? - Uh-uh. 332 00:23:02,322 --> 00:23:04,740 But we do got a brand-new industrial microwave. 333 00:23:04,825 --> 00:23:05,992 They use it for treating the lumber. 334 00:23:06,076 --> 00:23:07,785 Well, that is neat. 335 00:23:08,495 --> 00:23:10,246 I think you must be confusing me with someone 336 00:23:10,330 --> 00:23:12,331 who gives a shit about the fucking lumber! 337 00:23:12,416 --> 00:23:14,709 Yeah, okay, all right, Frank. All right, I'm sorry. 338 00:23:14,793 --> 00:23:16,252 - I'm sorry, okay? get the information. 339 00:23:16,336 --> 00:23:17,962 All right, okay! 340 00:23:19,339 --> 00:23:20,506 All right, come on. Go ahead. 341 00:23:20,757 --> 00:23:24,260 Hey, look, the guys tell me he's Tre Fernandez. What do I know? 342 00:23:24,344 --> 00:23:26,095 - Shut up. - Now you say Fernandez is dead. 343 00:23:26,180 --> 00:23:28,139 - Get inside. Shut up! - Okay, no, he lied! 344 00:23:28,223 --> 00:23:30,641 - He lie about... - Fucking mamaluke. 345 00:23:30,809 --> 00:23:32,018 He lied! 346 00:23:32,853 --> 00:23:34,687 Does this work like a regular microwave or what? 347 00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:37,648 Fuck do I know? We're not making a fucking Hungry-Man dinner here. 348 00:23:37,733 --> 00:23:39,358 Just turn it on. 349 00:23:42,321 --> 00:23:43,321 Here we go. 350 00:23:43,405 --> 00:23:46,157 Okay, I wanna know who sold you our coke. 351 00:23:46,658 --> 00:23:49,744 And don't tell me somebody who's dead this time. 352 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:56,083 Can he hear you? I don't think he can hear you. 353 00:23:57,586 --> 00:24:01,130 I said, who really sold you our coke? 354 00:24:05,010 --> 00:24:06,177 Who 355 00:24:06,637 --> 00:24:08,679 sold you 356 00:24:09,389 --> 00:24:11,265 our coke? 357 00:24:14,353 --> 00:24:15,895 Shit. Shit. 358 00:24:21,401 --> 00:24:24,779 This is awesome! I look like fricking Wolverine. 359 00:24:25,697 --> 00:24:28,324 They still have that metal detector at your school? 360 00:24:28,408 --> 00:24:30,785 Yeah, it's gonna have a meltdown. 361 00:24:33,288 --> 00:24:35,706 Dave, I need to ask you something. 362 00:24:37,584 --> 00:24:38,709 Okay. 363 00:24:39,044 --> 00:24:40,670 The police report, 364 00:24:40,754 --> 00:24:42,004 they found you naked. 365 00:24:42,089 --> 00:24:44,507 You said you didn't remember why. 366 00:24:45,133 --> 00:24:47,260 The muggers, they didn't... 367 00:24:48,595 --> 00:24:49,679 What? 368 00:24:52,099 --> 00:24:53,808 No! Jesus. 369 00:24:54,309 --> 00:24:56,477 No, I... I wasn't even... 370 00:24:57,771 --> 00:24:59,772 In the ambulance, they threw my clothes away 371 00:24:59,856 --> 00:25:01,983 - 'cause of the blood. - Right. 372 00:25:02,234 --> 00:25:03,609 Okay, okay. 373 00:25:04,403 --> 00:25:06,195 Dad. Dad. 374 00:25:09,241 --> 00:25:11,993 Seemed like no time at all before I was back on my feet. 375 00:25:12,077 --> 00:25:14,287 - Dave's what? - Shh. Not now. 376 00:25:15,330 --> 00:25:17,373 Apart from some messed up nerve endings, 377 00:25:17,457 --> 00:25:20,543 the doctors had managed to fix me up pretty good. 378 00:25:20,627 --> 00:25:22,211 - Did you feel that? - No. 379 00:25:22,296 --> 00:25:25,590 You're like fucking Jason Bourne or something, man. That owns. 380 00:25:25,674 --> 00:25:27,675 - How about that? - No, Marty! 381 00:25:27,843 --> 00:25:29,677 Give it a fucking rest, man. 382 00:25:29,761 --> 00:25:31,095 I've only been back half a day, 383 00:25:31,179 --> 00:25:33,097 and you're already making me miss the hospital. 384 00:25:33,181 --> 00:25:36,058 He's right. I'm sorry. I'm acting totally childish. 385 00:25:36,143 --> 00:25:38,477 - Stop with the fork. - I apologize. 386 00:25:49,698 --> 00:25:50,865 Hey. 387 00:25:53,327 --> 00:25:54,785 Dave, hey. 388 00:25:56,038 --> 00:25:57,580 Oh. Hey. 389 00:25:58,624 --> 00:26:00,750 How are you? You look better. 390 00:26:01,460 --> 00:26:04,462 I'm good. Yeah, much better. 391 00:26:04,546 --> 00:26:06,380 Hey, you're into comic books, aren't you? 392 00:26:07,299 --> 00:26:09,842 Well, me and Erika sometimes hang out after school 393 00:26:09,926 --> 00:26:12,386 at this really great store Atomic Comics. 394 00:26:12,471 --> 00:26:15,264 They make the best white chocolate mocha latte. 395 00:26:15,349 --> 00:26:16,474 Yeah? 396 00:26:18,352 --> 00:26:22,063 Well, I could buy you one sometime if you, you know, like, 397 00:26:22,147 --> 00:26:24,106 need someone to talk to. 398 00:26:26,193 --> 00:26:27,860 Sure. Thank you. 399 00:26:27,944 --> 00:26:30,655 Okay, sweet. Well, I'll see you later. 400 00:26:30,739 --> 00:26:31,864 Mmm. 401 00:26:34,660 --> 00:26:35,910 - Man, did you see that? - Yeah. 402 00:26:35,994 --> 00:26:38,162 Katie Deauxma just offered to buy me coffee. 403 00:26:38,246 --> 00:26:41,040 Yeah. You know, I really don't think that's what it looks like. 404 00:26:41,124 --> 00:26:43,834 - What are you talking about? - The point is, 405 00:26:43,919 --> 00:26:46,462 Katie Deauxma's all about the lame ducks. 406 00:26:46,546 --> 00:26:47,963 What's this got to do with me? 407 00:26:48,048 --> 00:26:50,549 I've been trying to figure out how to tell you this. 408 00:26:51,677 --> 00:26:53,928 - There's a rumor going around... - Right. 409 00:26:54,012 --> 00:26:55,513 that you... - What? 410 00:26:55,597 --> 00:26:57,473 are gay. - Gay? 411 00:26:57,599 --> 00:26:59,016 What kind of rumor is that? 412 00:26:59,101 --> 00:27:00,393 Well, you know, I mean, getting mugged... 413 00:27:00,477 --> 00:27:02,895 - You guys have been mugged! - Yeah, I know, but, 414 00:27:02,979 --> 00:27:05,564 you know, we didn't get beat up and have all our clothes taken off. 415 00:27:05,649 --> 00:27:08,526 That's not even true. The medic threw my clothes away. 416 00:27:09,569 --> 00:27:11,821 You know, don't worry about it. Rumors don't mean shit. 417 00:27:11,905 --> 00:27:13,823 - We know the truth. Yeah. - Right? 418 00:27:13,907 --> 00:27:16,242 And who knows, buddy, this might even get you laid. 419 00:27:16,326 --> 00:27:19,620 No, not if she thinks he's gay, Todd. You fucking retard. 420 00:27:19,705 --> 00:27:21,497 Thanks, Marty, this is really fucking helping me. 421 00:27:21,581 --> 00:27:22,665 I'm just being honest! 422 00:27:26,545 --> 00:27:28,796 I was getting back to my old self. 423 00:27:29,256 --> 00:27:33,467 I should have quit, of course, but you can't just reprogram yourself. 424 00:27:34,094 --> 00:27:37,263 What you want, who you are, your purpose in life. 425 00:27:37,639 --> 00:27:39,765 Oh, no, I'm just standing around, you know. 426 00:27:40,642 --> 00:27:42,143 No, I'm not! 427 00:27:42,227 --> 00:27:43,269 It is what it is. 428 00:27:43,353 --> 00:27:45,271 How about that, huh? 429 00:27:46,940 --> 00:27:49,734 Oh, yeah. Didn't see that, did you? 430 00:27:49,818 --> 00:27:51,694 I think it's best that you just walk away. 431 00:27:51,778 --> 00:27:53,070 Well, maybe you shouldn't do that. 432 00:27:53,405 --> 00:27:56,282 What? Are you looking at me? Well, this is my business. 433 00:28:08,295 --> 00:28:11,380 Me? My hardware was fixed now. 434 00:28:11,923 --> 00:28:15,301 I was back and running Kick-Ass version 2.0. 435 00:28:25,020 --> 00:28:26,896 Excuse me, have you seen this cat? 436 00:28:26,980 --> 00:28:29,315 - No. - No? Okay, thank you. 437 00:28:29,608 --> 00:28:32,359 Excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen this cat? 438 00:28:34,613 --> 00:28:36,989 I'm sorry. Did you see this cat? 439 00:28:37,741 --> 00:28:39,533 No? Okay. 440 00:29:00,514 --> 00:29:01,972 Oh, great. 441 00:29:03,350 --> 00:29:06,310 Here, kitty. Here, Mr. Bitey. 442 00:29:12,025 --> 00:29:13,609 Come on... No, no, no, no, no! 443 00:29:13,693 --> 00:29:15,444 No, no, no. Mr. Bitey, come on. 444 00:29:15,946 --> 00:29:18,531 Back here, come on. Let's get you home. Come on. 445 00:29:31,503 --> 00:29:33,337 Fuck you, Mr. Bitey! 446 00:29:37,008 --> 00:29:40,219 - Oh, God, I'm so sorry, man. - You fucking green... 447 00:29:41,888 --> 00:29:43,556 Get up. Get him up. 448 00:29:44,182 --> 00:29:46,308 - Get up. - Thanks, freak. 449 00:29:49,104 --> 00:29:52,565 - Hey, leave him alone! - Fuck off, man. It's none of your business! 450 00:29:55,527 --> 00:29:56,902 Yes, it is. 451 00:30:25,015 --> 00:30:26,765 Hey! Call 911! 452 00:30:32,272 --> 00:30:35,065 Hey, there's a dude dressed like a superhero out there 453 00:30:35,150 --> 00:30:36,400 fighting a bunch of guys. 454 00:30:41,072 --> 00:30:42,323 It's fucking awesome! 455 00:31:10,477 --> 00:31:12,061 Leave him alone! 456 00:31:18,151 --> 00:31:20,486 Give it up, man. Just walk away. 457 00:31:21,780 --> 00:31:22,905 No. Never. 458 00:31:24,282 --> 00:31:25,866 What the fuck is wrong with you, man? 459 00:31:25,951 --> 00:31:29,995 You'd rather die for some piece of shit that you don't even fucking know? 460 00:31:30,789 --> 00:31:32,206 And three assholes 461 00:31:32,290 --> 00:31:34,333 laying into one guy while everybody else watches, 462 00:31:35,835 --> 00:31:38,003 and you want to know what's wrong with me? 463 00:31:40,507 --> 00:31:42,633 Yeah, I'd rather die. 464 00:31:43,259 --> 00:31:44,885 So bring it on! 465 00:31:48,974 --> 00:31:50,099 You're fucking crazy, kid. 466 00:31:54,396 --> 00:31:55,437 Fuck. 467 00:31:57,190 --> 00:31:58,816 Thank you. 468 00:31:58,900 --> 00:31:59,942 What? 469 00:32:01,152 --> 00:32:02,194 Thank you. 470 00:32:05,490 --> 00:32:07,741 That fucking rocked. Who are you? 471 00:32:10,286 --> 00:32:11,829 I'm Kick-Ass. 472 00:32:16,376 --> 00:32:18,961 - Dude, you gotta check this shit out. - What is it? 473 00:32:19,045 --> 00:32:20,629 on the latest corruption scandal. 474 00:32:20,714 --> 00:32:22,214 And coming up after the hour, 475 00:32:22,298 --> 00:32:25,759 a costumed vigilante has become the latest Internet phenomenon 476 00:32:25,844 --> 00:32:29,304 after a Hamilton Park resident filmed the man's remarkable intervention 477 00:32:29,389 --> 00:32:30,848 in a gang-related attack last week. 478 00:32:30,932 --> 00:32:32,725 - This is awesome. - Fuck, yeah. 479 00:32:33,059 --> 00:32:35,602 Welcome to this special edition of Eye on New York. 480 00:32:36,104 --> 00:32:38,647 How far would you go to help your fellow man? 481 00:32:38,898 --> 00:32:42,151 This colorful individual has been all over the news this week 482 00:32:42,235 --> 00:32:45,320 after a video of his intervention of street-gang violence 483 00:32:45,405 --> 00:32:48,323 became the most-watched clip on the Internet. 484 00:32:48,408 --> 00:32:51,785 Three assholes laying into one guy while... 485 00:32:51,870 --> 00:32:58,000 My MySpace, 38 friends. Kick-Ass's MySpace, 16,000 and counting. 486 00:32:58,418 --> 00:33:01,920 This thing was going crazy, and I was loving it. 487 00:33:02,005 --> 00:33:05,591 And finally, we want to know who is this man? 488 00:33:05,675 --> 00:33:09,261 Does anyone have any idea who this wetsuit crusader is? 489 00:33:09,637 --> 00:33:12,181 He must be someone's son, someone's brother, 490 00:33:12,265 --> 00:33:14,183 - someone's next-door neighbor. - Holy shit. 491 00:33:14,267 --> 00:33:16,018 - Have you seen him? - What happened? 492 00:33:16,102 --> 00:33:18,520 What happened? This guy happened. 493 00:33:19,898 --> 00:33:22,149 It's a great day for America, everybody. 494 00:33:22,233 --> 00:33:26,028 Yeah, everybody's favorite superhero right now, Kick-Ass, right? 495 00:33:26,112 --> 00:33:29,364 Kick-Ass! Yeah! 496 00:33:30,366 --> 00:33:34,495 I like Kick-Ass! His costume is crappy. 497 00:33:34,746 --> 00:33:36,330 He looks like a transvestite... 498 00:33:36,414 --> 00:33:39,541 You know what? Everyone likes Kick-Ass. 499 00:33:39,626 --> 00:33:41,919 Did you see the clip? He was actually pretty good. 500 00:33:42,003 --> 00:33:44,630 Good at getting his ass kicked. 501 00:33:44,714 --> 00:33:48,175 He should call himself Ass-Kick instead. 502 00:33:48,259 --> 00:33:49,468 That doesn't even make sense. 503 00:33:49,552 --> 00:33:52,471 Transvestite that is Kick-Ass will take you down, I say! 504 00:33:52,555 --> 00:33:54,389 That guy's gonna end up dead, that's what I think. 505 00:33:54,474 --> 00:33:56,767 Are you serious? The guy owns. 506 00:33:56,851 --> 00:33:59,561 I'd e-mail his site if I had a problem worth fixing. 507 00:33:59,646 --> 00:34:01,814 What? Are you kidding me? I got 100 guys who can fix a problem, 508 00:34:01,898 --> 00:34:04,274 you'd hire some putz in pantyhose? 509 00:34:04,359 --> 00:34:07,653 Well, I wouldn't wanna get in the way of your business, where I'm not wanted. 510 00:34:07,737 --> 00:34:10,239 Please, I know you have mistaken me for Kick-Ass, 511 00:34:10,323 --> 00:34:12,282 but I am not Kick-Ass. 512 00:34:30,927 --> 00:34:33,929 - You don't actually read comics? - Yeah, I just started. 513 00:34:34,013 --> 00:34:35,514 I got recommended some. 514 00:34:35,598 --> 00:34:38,642 Like Scott Pilgrim and Shojo Beat, that kind of thing. 515 00:34:38,726 --> 00:34:41,603 I'm not really into the whole superhero thing, though. 516 00:34:42,438 --> 00:34:45,983 So I guess you're not gonna line up for that new Kick-Ass comic then? 517 00:34:46,067 --> 00:34:47,109 I guess not. 518 00:34:47,944 --> 00:34:50,445 But you know what? I was seriously thinking of mailing his site. 519 00:34:50,530 --> 00:34:53,031 I mean, I could really use some help from a guy like that right now. 520 00:34:53,283 --> 00:34:55,701 Help? Really? What with? 521 00:34:56,744 --> 00:34:58,579 You know I volunteer at the needle exchange. 522 00:34:59,747 --> 00:35:00,873 No, I didn't. 523 00:35:00,957 --> 00:35:04,543 Well, there's this one guy Rasul, and I felt so sorry for him. 524 00:35:04,627 --> 00:35:08,714 And the more I found out about his upbringing and stuff, I just... 525 00:35:10,758 --> 00:35:14,553 Wow, that's weird. I'm usually the one playing therapist. 526 00:35:17,265 --> 00:35:19,391 Can I make a confession? 527 00:35:20,059 --> 00:35:23,854 Ever since I was little, I've always wanted a friend 528 00:35:24,564 --> 00:35:26,106 like you. 529 00:35:27,025 --> 00:35:28,609 - Is it okay to say that? - Yeah. 530 00:35:28,693 --> 00:35:30,319 I mean, that's not homophobic, is it? 531 00:35:32,071 --> 00:35:34,907 I mean, I don't think you're all the same or anything. 532 00:35:43,750 --> 00:35:46,084 Of course not, no. 533 00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:48,253 Thank you. 534 00:35:52,467 --> 00:35:56,762 I don't know if I was everything Katie had always dreamed her gay BFF would be, 535 00:35:56,846 --> 00:35:58,513 but I tried my best. 536 00:35:58,598 --> 00:36:02,226 But more importantly, I talked her into mailing Kick-Ass. 537 00:36:03,269 --> 00:36:07,356 Long story short, this particular lame duck of hers 538 00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:10,108 turned out to be more of a lame cobra. 539 00:36:10,652 --> 00:36:12,945 She didn't want the money back that she'd given him 540 00:36:13,029 --> 00:36:16,281 or an apology for the black eye he'd given her. 541 00:36:16,366 --> 00:36:18,492 She just wanted him to get that they were through 542 00:36:18,576 --> 00:36:20,202 and leave her alone. 543 00:36:20,286 --> 00:36:24,623 And let's be real, no other request could have given me more pleasure. 544 00:36:41,808 --> 00:36:45,310 Who the fuck are you supposed to be, the Green Condom? 545 00:36:46,104 --> 00:36:49,064 You know it ain't Halloween for another few months, kid? 546 00:36:49,148 --> 00:36:50,274 I'm here to see Rasul. 547 00:36:52,485 --> 00:36:54,319 Who the fuck are you? 548 00:36:54,404 --> 00:36:56,905 I'm... I'm a friend of Katie's. 549 00:37:02,996 --> 00:37:05,080 Kids nowadays in their tights. 550 00:37:19,512 --> 00:37:22,472 So, which one of you guys is Rasul? 551 00:37:29,439 --> 00:37:33,483 I'm Rasul. Can't you tell by my big titties? 552 00:37:37,071 --> 00:37:39,364 What is this? Trick or treat or something? 553 00:37:40,575 --> 00:37:42,617 Fuck! Now I'm dead. 554 00:37:44,037 --> 00:37:47,456 I have a message for Rasul about Katie Deauxma. 555 00:37:50,835 --> 00:37:53,128 - Katie? - You're Rasul? 556 00:37:53,838 --> 00:37:57,632 Okay. You gotta stay away from Katie now. It's over. 557 00:37:58,009 --> 00:38:01,511 So if you just leave her alone, everything will be fine. 558 00:38:02,221 --> 00:38:03,388 What? 559 00:38:04,599 --> 00:38:08,518 Yo, kid, who the hell are you? And what is this? 560 00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:11,813 I'm Kick-Ass. Look me up. 561 00:38:12,315 --> 00:38:14,608 And this is me giving you a message. 562 00:38:14,692 --> 00:38:16,735 Leave Katie alone. 563 00:38:29,332 --> 00:38:30,582 Or what? 564 00:38:35,046 --> 00:38:37,381 Or I'll come back 565 00:38:38,925 --> 00:38:40,675 and break your fucking legs. 566 00:38:45,848 --> 00:38:47,391 I'm right here now, baby. What's up? 567 00:38:49,811 --> 00:38:51,103 Oh, fuck! 568 00:38:58,194 --> 00:38:59,444 Hold him. 569 00:39:06,285 --> 00:39:08,328 You are so fucking dead, man. 570 00:39:23,261 --> 00:39:26,930 Okay, you cunts, let's see what you can do now. 571 00:39:27,765 --> 00:39:32,227 Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. 572 00:39:42,196 --> 00:39:43,321 Oh, shit! 573 00:39:52,999 --> 00:39:54,040 What the fuck? 574 00:40:21,819 --> 00:40:23,236 Hey, I got one of those. 575 00:40:41,297 --> 00:40:42,547 Come on. 576 00:40:43,341 --> 00:40:44,424 So you want to play. 577 00:41:01,359 --> 00:41:02,734 What the fuck? 578 00:41:05,947 --> 00:41:09,241 Oh, dude, that is one gay-looking Taser. 579 00:41:12,203 --> 00:41:14,579 Relax, we're on the same team. 580 00:41:15,748 --> 00:41:16,957 - Hey, get up. - No... 581 00:41:23,256 --> 00:41:26,800 Now, Hit Girl, we always keep our backs where? 582 00:41:27,593 --> 00:41:29,386 To the wall, Daddy. I know. 583 00:41:30,513 --> 00:41:32,055 It won't happen again. 584 00:41:32,640 --> 00:41:35,100 - Nice shot, by the way. - Thank you. 585 00:41:52,994 --> 00:41:54,286 Let's go. 586 00:41:55,663 --> 00:41:58,915 Hey, hey, asshole. Can't use the front door now. 587 00:42:13,639 --> 00:42:15,265 Wait, wait, wait! 588 00:42:16,142 --> 00:42:17,309 What? 589 00:42:18,352 --> 00:42:19,436 Who are you? 590 00:42:19,812 --> 00:42:20,979 Me? 591 00:42:21,897 --> 00:42:23,398 I'm Hit Girl. 592 00:42:24,984 --> 00:42:26,985 And that's Big Daddy. 593 00:42:33,743 --> 00:42:34,993 Come on. 594 00:42:39,874 --> 00:42:40,915 Come on! 595 00:43:17,787 --> 00:43:21,206 Hit Girl and Big Daddy, they were the real deal. 596 00:43:23,876 --> 00:43:25,085 Me? 597 00:43:25,711 --> 00:43:28,463 I was just a stupid dick in a wetsuit. 598 00:43:44,063 --> 00:43:45,689 What is this? What am I looking at here? 599 00:43:46,482 --> 00:43:49,818 It was Sal's phone. They found it in his hand. 600 00:43:49,902 --> 00:43:51,986 He must have taken that right before he died. 601 00:43:52,488 --> 00:43:56,658 I know this sounds fucked up, Frankie, but that guy in the picture, 602 00:43:57,159 --> 00:44:00,245 I think it's that superhero nutjob from the TV. 603 00:44:00,538 --> 00:44:01,579 Who? 604 00:44:02,540 --> 00:44:03,748 Kick-Ass? 605 00:44:04,458 --> 00:44:05,709 One guy? 606 00:44:06,585 --> 00:44:09,379 Hold on, you're telling me one guy killed eight of my men tonight? 607 00:44:14,260 --> 00:44:18,012 Eight at Sal's place, four at that kid Rasul's. 608 00:44:19,724 --> 00:44:21,808 We have no merchandise on the street at all? 609 00:44:21,892 --> 00:44:23,059 Right. 610 00:44:25,771 --> 00:44:27,897 - One guy? - I think. 611 00:44:28,607 --> 00:44:32,277 Man, if you're right, we're gonna look like the biggest bunch of pussies in New York. 612 00:44:32,945 --> 00:44:34,279 What do you want me to do? 613 00:44:35,448 --> 00:44:40,118 I want Kick-Ass's fucking head on a stick, and I want it now. 614 00:44:49,962 --> 00:44:51,963 I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear. 615 00:44:52,298 --> 00:44:55,967 Good move, Ass-Kick. Let's keep it that way. 616 00:44:57,595 --> 00:44:58,803 You know what this is? 617 00:44:59,930 --> 00:45:03,475 It's all the cartridge crap that comes out of your gay little Taser when you fire it. 618 00:45:03,809 --> 00:45:07,270 You do know the police could have traced this right back to you if they'd found it? 619 00:45:07,354 --> 00:45:10,023 But lucky for you, I picked it up. 620 00:45:11,692 --> 00:45:12,734 Thank you. 621 00:45:13,778 --> 00:45:17,697 Let's call it insurance. Makes it easier for us to take your word. 622 00:45:17,907 --> 00:45:20,950 See, we like you, but we don't trust you. 623 00:45:22,328 --> 00:45:24,954 Don't take it personal, though. We don't trust anybody. 624 00:45:25,039 --> 00:45:31,085 I rerouted your IP address. Finding you was way too easy. 625 00:45:32,004 --> 00:45:35,089 Oh, shit. Shit, I hadn't thought... 626 00:45:35,382 --> 00:45:38,051 My God, I... I owe you. 627 00:45:38,677 --> 00:45:41,971 You know what? I'm thinking of just shutting my site down anyway. 628 00:45:42,056 --> 00:45:44,390 Quitting. I mean, this is... 629 00:45:44,642 --> 00:45:48,353 It's fucking insane. I'm in way over my head. 630 00:45:48,646 --> 00:45:50,939 It's a shame. You have potential. 631 00:45:51,023 --> 00:45:53,983 Your call, but you know we're around if you need us. 632 00:45:55,528 --> 00:45:57,362 How do I get a hold of you? 633 00:45:57,446 --> 00:46:01,699 You just contact the mayor's office. He has a special signal he shines in the sky. 634 00:46:01,784 --> 00:46:03,368 It's in the shape of a giant cock. 635 00:46:04,703 --> 00:46:07,121 You need us, put on your website that you're on vacation. 636 00:46:07,206 --> 00:46:10,375 We'll find you. Hit Girl, back to headquarters. 637 00:46:12,044 --> 00:46:13,503 Sweet dreams. 638 00:46:19,468 --> 00:46:21,135 I need you to get rid of Kick-Ass. 639 00:46:21,220 --> 00:46:22,804 Yo. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's up? 640 00:46:22,888 --> 00:46:24,222 What's up? 641 00:46:24,390 --> 00:46:28,017 Kick-Ass is killing my men, Gigante, that's what's up. 642 00:46:28,102 --> 00:46:29,769 My condolences, Frank. 643 00:46:29,979 --> 00:46:33,273 But I'm afraid I can't help you out on this one. 644 00:46:33,357 --> 00:46:35,233 Little bit outside my jurisdiction. 645 00:46:35,609 --> 00:46:37,068 Outside your jurisdiction? 646 00:46:37,403 --> 00:46:39,362 You're a fucking cop, and he's breaking the law. 647 00:46:39,446 --> 00:46:42,740 That's so inside your jurisdiction, it's ball-deep in your jurisdiction's ass. 648 00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:46,870 Listen, cops pay me to nail the bad guys, you pay me not to. 649 00:46:47,454 --> 00:46:48,997 Everything else is in the gray area. 650 00:46:49,081 --> 00:46:51,499 Yeah. Fuck you very much, Vic. Just do it, okay? 651 00:46:53,544 --> 00:46:55,378 Un-fucking-believable. 652 00:46:56,589 --> 00:46:58,756 Where's Cody? He's late. 653 00:46:59,300 --> 00:47:03,428 Thank you, Cody. We appreciate your co-operation. 654 00:47:03,804 --> 00:47:07,390 Let me out now? I gave you all them names and addresses. 655 00:47:08,434 --> 00:47:09,851 Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody. 656 00:47:09,935 --> 00:47:12,437 You and your crazy midget friend can go bash whoever you want... 657 00:47:12,521 --> 00:47:15,189 Hey, come on. Hey, I know some very bad people uptown, 658 00:47:15,274 --> 00:47:18,359 really nasty individuals. Let me go. Hey, come on! 659 00:47:18,861 --> 00:47:20,862 Hey, don't do this! You don't need to do this! 660 00:47:20,946 --> 00:47:22,989 Come on. Oh, shit... Please! 661 00:47:23,073 --> 00:47:25,742 Hey! God! No, please, please! 662 00:47:25,951 --> 00:47:27,243 Come on, no, no! 663 00:47:47,056 --> 00:47:48,556 What a douche. 664 00:48:02,196 --> 00:48:04,864 You have done self tan before, right? 665 00:48:05,282 --> 00:48:07,617 Yeah, like, I do it all the time. 666 00:48:08,535 --> 00:48:11,913 Murder, superheroes breaking into my bedroom, 667 00:48:11,997 --> 00:48:14,999 my life had turned into some fucked-up dream I couldn't wake up from. 668 00:48:16,794 --> 00:48:19,671 Even the good parts were totally surreal. 669 00:48:20,089 --> 00:48:22,674 Oh, hey, I read those old Ditko Spider-Mans you gave me. 670 00:48:22,758 --> 00:48:25,134 They're actually pretty good. 671 00:48:25,219 --> 00:48:26,260 Yeah, they are. 672 00:48:28,263 --> 00:48:31,724 And it's been a whole week since I've heard from Rasul. 673 00:48:34,186 --> 00:48:35,687 That's great. 674 00:49:30,909 --> 00:49:35,663 Once upon a time, there were two supercops, called Daddy and Marcus, 675 00:49:36,290 --> 00:49:39,625 who were very good at getting bad guys. 676 00:49:40,127 --> 00:49:42,879 Frank D'Amico was the baddest guy of them all, 677 00:49:42,963 --> 00:49:45,965 and he came up with a plan to get rid of Daddy. 678 00:49:50,012 --> 00:49:53,097 Being framed as a drug dealer was the worst possible thing 679 00:49:53,182 --> 00:49:55,600 that could have happened to Daddy. 680 00:49:57,436 --> 00:50:01,064 Prison was not his natural habitat. 681 00:50:01,148 --> 00:50:02,857 He was very upset. 682 00:50:06,487 --> 00:50:10,031 With Daddy in prison, his pregnant wife was all alone 683 00:50:11,784 --> 00:50:13,493 and could not cope. 684 00:50:16,163 --> 00:50:20,416 But all clouds have a silver lining, and out of her death, 685 00:50:24,088 --> 00:50:25,797 Mindy was born! 686 00:50:26,381 --> 00:50:29,217 Marcus became the child's guardian, 687 00:50:29,301 --> 00:50:32,220 and Daddy started a plan of his very own. 688 00:50:34,223 --> 00:50:38,392 Five years later, he left prison, and he was ready. 689 00:50:42,314 --> 00:50:45,775 Now, it was time for Mindy to get ready, too. 690 00:50:53,617 --> 00:50:55,535 How'd you find me, Marcus? 691 00:50:56,161 --> 00:50:58,788 One of us is still a cop, remember? 692 00:51:07,381 --> 00:51:09,215 Is this how you brainwashed Mindy? 693 00:51:09,299 --> 00:51:11,759 You say brainwashed. I say made it into a game. 694 00:51:12,094 --> 00:51:13,928 You call this playing, Damon? 695 00:51:14,138 --> 00:51:17,140 Vigilante justice, mass murder. Come on, partner. 696 00:51:19,518 --> 00:51:21,018 So where is she? 697 00:51:21,562 --> 00:51:23,229 - She's safe. - Can I see her? 698 00:51:25,107 --> 00:51:26,482 I miss her. 699 00:51:28,235 --> 00:51:29,861 I miss you both. 700 00:51:30,612 --> 00:51:34,157 I appreciate your concern. But you need to go now. 701 00:51:40,539 --> 00:51:43,875 I should warn you, that asshole Gigante is looking for Kick-Ass. 702 00:51:44,042 --> 00:51:45,960 He got something to do with you, Damon? 703 00:51:46,044 --> 00:51:49,213 You started some kind of fucked-up superhero club? 704 00:51:49,548 --> 00:51:52,884 - Never heard of him. - Okay, well, heads up, all right? 705 00:51:53,218 --> 00:51:55,011 You keep carrying on like you've been carrying on, 706 00:51:55,095 --> 00:51:58,222 it's only a matter of time before Gigante is looking for you. 707 00:51:58,307 --> 00:52:01,893 He's been on Frank D'Amico's payroll ever since you passed up the opportunity. 708 00:52:02,978 --> 00:52:05,313 You know I'm not gonna stop. 709 00:52:06,273 --> 00:52:09,734 Not until D'Amico and his whole damn operation 710 00:52:10,277 --> 00:52:13,696 are burnt to ashes and buried. 711 00:52:15,407 --> 00:52:17,325 It ain't gonna bring her back, Damon. 712 00:52:18,619 --> 00:52:20,995 This is not the life for Mindy. 713 00:52:23,916 --> 00:52:26,000 You owe that kid a childhood. 714 00:52:27,085 --> 00:52:28,836 I'll tell you who owes her a childhood! 715 00:52:29,796 --> 00:52:31,464 Frank D'Amico! 716 00:52:50,567 --> 00:52:52,109 Holy shit. 717 00:52:54,613 --> 00:52:57,031 I don't fucking believe it. 718 00:53:00,369 --> 00:53:01,994 Follow him, around the corner. 719 00:53:02,996 --> 00:53:04,455 Not too fast. 720 00:53:07,626 --> 00:53:09,335 What's with the high-fives? 721 00:53:09,962 --> 00:53:12,672 I'll give you a motherfucking high-five. 722 00:53:13,257 --> 00:53:16,300 High-fiving bullshit. Keep going, keep going. 723 00:53:17,386 --> 00:53:18,886 Not too close. 724 00:53:23,433 --> 00:53:27,645 He's going in the alley. 725 00:53:28,146 --> 00:53:31,941 Okay, when I tell you, stop the car. Ready? 726 00:53:35,737 --> 00:53:37,655 Hey, Kick-Ass. 727 00:53:38,490 --> 00:53:39,991 How you doing? 728 00:53:41,910 --> 00:53:43,286 Kill my men, huh? 729 00:53:43,620 --> 00:53:45,496 Take my fucking coke? 730 00:53:45,580 --> 00:53:47,581 Whoa! Whoa! Boss, what are you doing? 731 00:53:47,666 --> 00:53:49,709 - Boss, we gotta go, man. Come on, let's go. - Fucking scumbag! 732 00:53:49,793 --> 00:53:52,003 Frank, Frank, Frank, come on, he's had enough. Come on. 733 00:53:52,087 --> 00:53:54,046 He's had enough. Come on. 734 00:53:54,589 --> 00:53:57,174 What the fuck are you looking at? Huh? 735 00:53:59,052 --> 00:54:00,219 Frank. 736 00:54:09,896 --> 00:54:12,231 Come on, come on, come on, come on, let's go. We gotta go. 737 00:54:13,317 --> 00:54:15,860 Shit. Come on, come on, get in. 738 00:54:22,743 --> 00:54:26,120 He was so young. No one should have to die that way. 739 00:54:26,204 --> 00:54:29,457 I mean, I just can't believe he's dead, that's all. 740 00:54:31,209 --> 00:54:33,878 Oh, I know. But, Katie, 741 00:54:35,005 --> 00:54:38,549 guys like Rasul, they get mixed up in stuff... 742 00:54:39,009 --> 00:54:42,345 No, I know, I know. But what if it was my fault? 743 00:54:42,429 --> 00:54:43,471 What if Kick-Ass did it? 744 00:54:43,555 --> 00:54:45,514 I mean, I feel like I should call the cops or something. 745 00:54:45,599 --> 00:54:47,391 What? You're talking crazy. 746 00:54:47,934 --> 00:54:50,603 There's no way. He probably didn't even read your e-mail yet. 747 00:54:50,937 --> 00:54:52,980 - Yeah. - You've got nothing to worry about. 748 00:54:54,858 --> 00:54:56,567 I'm so glad you're here. 749 00:54:57,194 --> 00:54:58,361 I was such a mess. 750 00:54:59,071 --> 00:55:00,446 That's okay. 751 00:55:00,530 --> 00:55:03,783 - No problem. - You're the best. 752 00:55:05,786 --> 00:55:10,247 I hope it's okay to say this, but... It so sucks that you're gay. 753 00:55:14,169 --> 00:55:16,420 I don't fucking believe this. 754 00:55:18,715 --> 00:55:22,635 What kind of children's enter-fucking-tainer is that? 755 00:55:22,719 --> 00:55:23,761 Huh? 756 00:55:23,929 --> 00:55:29,141 What kind of kid has a... A Spider-Man party, sure, but a fucking Kick-Ass party? 757 00:55:29,226 --> 00:55:31,936 What, are they selling paper plates and napkins down at the store now? 758 00:55:32,020 --> 00:55:34,438 Frank, you're scaring me. You're losing it. 759 00:55:34,773 --> 00:55:37,733 Since when did you start getting your hands dirty again? And in public! 760 00:55:37,818 --> 00:55:40,194 Since when I ask you fucks to deliver me Kick-Ass, 761 00:55:40,278 --> 00:55:43,656 - and you don't deliver, that's when. - Hey, give me a break. It's been a week. 762 00:55:43,740 --> 00:55:47,118 We e-mailed him. We got half the crew out doing petty crimes as bait. 763 00:55:47,202 --> 00:55:48,869 We're busting our asses here. 764 00:55:49,955 --> 00:55:52,039 What the hell are you doing? 765 00:55:52,124 --> 00:55:53,874 You're back on the powder now, as well? 766 00:55:53,959 --> 00:55:57,962 "Mommy, I want a Kick-Ass party." Dumb little fucks. 767 00:55:59,214 --> 00:56:01,841 - I know a way you can get him. - Oh, shit. 768 00:56:01,925 --> 00:56:03,509 Chris, how long you been there? 769 00:56:03,593 --> 00:56:04,969 What the hell are you doing? Get the hell out. 770 00:56:05,053 --> 00:56:06,387 Do you want to hear it or not? 771 00:56:07,180 --> 00:56:09,682 - Hear what? - Okay, look, 772 00:56:09,766 --> 00:56:12,726 you're a superhero and you're lonely, but you can't trust anyone 773 00:56:12,811 --> 00:56:14,478 'cause either they'll expose your secret identity... 774 00:56:14,563 --> 00:56:16,814 Comic books this kid reads all fucking day long. 775 00:56:16,898 --> 00:56:20,734 The point is there's only one way a superhero can trust a stranger. 776 00:56:20,819 --> 00:56:24,155 And I can be that stranger. You just gotta give me a chance. 777 00:56:24,239 --> 00:56:26,532 I know I can do it. I just need a few things. 778 00:56:28,410 --> 00:56:29,452 Like what? 779 00:56:31,455 --> 00:56:33,414 I need these things. 780 00:56:37,502 --> 00:56:39,336 What, are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is this? 781 00:56:39,421 --> 00:56:41,255 It's everything I need. 782 00:56:41,339 --> 00:56:43,632 And you might have to screw someone over, like Louie, or something. 783 00:56:43,717 --> 00:56:47,219 - Louie? Hey, Chris. - Or somebody. It doesn't have to be Louie. 784 00:56:47,637 --> 00:56:49,013 - Tony! - Tony. 785 00:56:49,848 --> 00:56:51,348 - Tony? - I hate Tony. 786 00:56:51,433 --> 00:56:53,017 Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag. 787 00:56:53,226 --> 00:56:56,604 I swear, Dad, if you let me do this, it's gonna work. 788 00:57:01,359 --> 00:57:02,443 Tony. 789 00:57:02,861 --> 00:57:06,113 Tony Romita, one of America's most-wanted crime kingpins, 790 00:57:06,198 --> 00:57:07,948 was arrested in Queens today 791 00:57:08,033 --> 00:57:10,951 after a 911 call from someone claiming to be a superhero... 792 00:57:11,036 --> 00:57:13,537 So, how are things going with Katie? 793 00:57:14,706 --> 00:57:16,040 Oh, just peachy. 794 00:57:16,541 --> 00:57:18,125 We had a sleepover and spent the whole night 795 00:57:18,210 --> 00:57:21,545 watching the entire Ugly Betty box set and did pedicures. 796 00:57:22,130 --> 00:57:25,049 I'm telling you, the longer you wait, the worse it's gonna get. 797 00:57:25,383 --> 00:57:29,094 I know. I was gonna tell her. It's just, she seems so happy. 798 00:57:29,179 --> 00:57:31,388 - I don't know when's the right time. - Now's your chance. 799 00:57:32,849 --> 00:57:35,184 - She didn't see that, did she? - Hey, guys. 800 00:57:35,936 --> 00:57:37,686 - Hi! - Hi, sweetie. 801 00:57:38,396 --> 00:57:40,814 Oh, did you watch the TV? The new superhero guy? 802 00:57:40,899 --> 00:57:42,733 - How cool is that? - What? 803 00:57:42,901 --> 00:57:45,402 - Hey, look. - Oh? Could you turn it up, please? 804 00:57:45,487 --> 00:57:46,904 Check this out. dressed as Kick-Ass. 805 00:57:46,988 --> 00:57:51,867 But it seems that far from being put off, this individual, who calls himself Red Mist, 806 00:57:51,952 --> 00:57:54,119 has decided to take crime-fighting to a new level, 807 00:57:54,204 --> 00:57:57,414 as his actions last night proved. Red Mist, how do you see it? 808 00:57:57,499 --> 00:58:00,000 Well, I guess folks have just had enough of living in fear, you know, 809 00:58:00,085 --> 00:58:03,087 and Kick-Ass really proved that one individual can make a difference. 810 00:58:03,171 --> 00:58:07,007 So if anyone out there needs help, I'll be fighting crime 25/8. 811 00:58:07,092 --> 00:58:10,010 And I'm just one click away. Redmist. Org. 812 00:58:11,596 --> 00:58:15,182 Can we turn that off now? What's so special about that guy? 813 00:58:15,267 --> 00:58:18,018 He caught, like, a drug dealer, some most-wanted guy. 814 00:58:18,353 --> 00:58:20,062 You saw him bringing out like a ton of stuff. 815 00:58:20,146 --> 00:58:21,689 That's pretty cool. 816 00:58:22,065 --> 00:58:24,400 He's got a way better costume than Kick-Ass, too. 817 00:58:24,484 --> 00:58:25,943 - He's got a cape. - Yeah. 818 00:58:26,027 --> 00:58:28,279 - Capes rock. - Yeah, I'm kind of feeling the cape. 819 00:58:28,363 --> 00:58:30,072 He looks good. 820 00:58:30,782 --> 00:58:33,367 What, better than Kick-Ass? 821 00:58:33,451 --> 00:58:36,328 I mean, they're both kind of hot. I just think Red Mist has a better body. 822 00:58:36,788 --> 00:58:38,372 Don't you think, Dave? 823 00:58:38,790 --> 00:58:39,832 Uh... 824 00:58:39,916 --> 00:58:41,834 Yeah, Dave, what do you think? 825 00:58:42,294 --> 00:58:44,962 Is he the kind of guy you'd go for, with all that leather? 826 00:58:46,214 --> 00:58:49,425 No, Marty. No, he's not really my type. 827 00:59:43,605 --> 00:59:44,855 Kick-Ass! 828 00:59:45,982 --> 00:59:47,024 Red Mist. 829 00:59:48,276 --> 00:59:50,569 Oh, shit! Fuck me, that kind of hurt. 830 00:59:51,863 --> 00:59:54,448 - Are you okay? - Yeah, no, I'm cool. 831 00:59:54,616 --> 00:59:57,743 I can't believe you're here, man. Like, you're my hero. 832 00:59:58,411 --> 01:00:01,163 You inspired me. No Kick-Ass, no Red Mist. 833 01:00:01,373 --> 01:00:03,207 - Seriously. - Wow. 834 01:00:03,750 --> 01:00:07,294 - Hey, really? - Straight up. And listen, if you... 835 01:00:07,379 --> 01:00:10,172 I don't know, if you wanted me to be your sidekick or something... 836 01:00:11,049 --> 01:00:12,341 You wanna be my sidekick? 837 01:00:12,634 --> 01:00:16,053 Yeah, man! You and me together, we would own! 838 01:00:16,680 --> 01:00:18,555 You wanna go fight some crime? 839 01:00:18,973 --> 01:00:20,391 What you mean, like, right now? 840 01:00:20,975 --> 01:00:24,144 Yeah, man, come on. I got something I wanna show you. 841 01:00:24,229 --> 01:00:26,146 Uh, I mean, like, to be honest with you, 842 01:00:26,231 --> 01:00:29,024 I only ever fight crime between like 9:00 and 2:00, weekdays. 843 01:00:29,109 --> 01:00:31,985 - So I'm gonna need to get back pretty soon. - Mmm-hmm. 844 01:00:35,573 --> 01:00:36,907 Sweet! 845 01:00:39,411 --> 01:00:42,121 - Is that yours? - Meet the Mist Mobile. 846 01:00:51,548 --> 01:00:54,258 SatNav. Got my iPhone, so I can check the websites 847 01:00:54,342 --> 01:00:56,719 for emergencies when I'm driving around. 848 01:00:56,803 --> 01:00:59,680 Got a little bit of mood lighting right there. 849 01:00:59,764 --> 01:01:01,974 Rearview camera, no big deal. 850 01:01:02,058 --> 01:01:04,393 Check this, you're gonna fucking love this. 851 01:01:08,606 --> 01:01:10,065 The mist. 852 01:01:13,570 --> 01:01:14,778 Hey. 853 01:01:14,904 --> 01:01:16,739 That's right, we're superheroes. You love us. 854 01:01:22,203 --> 01:01:24,580 - Smoke? - No. 855 01:01:24,664 --> 01:01:27,499 I feel a little weed takes the edge off things when I'm on patrol, you know? 856 01:01:27,584 --> 01:01:31,587 Going up against a crowd can get kind of scary, don't you think? 857 01:01:33,131 --> 01:01:34,298 Something wrong? 858 01:01:35,800 --> 01:01:39,136 Yeah. You're so not how I expected. 859 01:01:45,268 --> 01:01:47,019 Oh, I got this e-mail from this chick. 860 01:01:47,103 --> 01:01:49,813 She said this guy's been following her home from work. 861 01:01:50,398 --> 01:01:53,484 I got her address and stuff. You wanna check it out? 862 01:01:53,568 --> 01:01:55,778 - Sure, why not? - Cool. 863 01:02:03,328 --> 01:02:05,329 So we're sitting there totally naked, right? 864 01:02:05,497 --> 01:02:06,914 I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about 865 01:02:06,998 --> 01:02:08,957 "the first thing that comes up." 866 01:02:18,551 --> 01:02:21,303 - Yeah? - Just got the text. He's on his way. 867 01:02:21,679 --> 01:02:23,180 He did very good. 868 01:02:23,848 --> 01:02:26,517 - Don't kill him till I get there. - Right. 869 01:02:32,232 --> 01:02:35,275 Looks like reading all them comics paid off, huh? 870 01:02:35,360 --> 01:02:37,611 Your boy did good, Frankie. 871 01:02:39,697 --> 01:02:41,406 He's his father's son. 872 01:02:52,961 --> 01:02:54,336 I forgot. 873 01:03:25,785 --> 01:03:27,327 What the fuck? 874 01:03:31,457 --> 01:03:33,000 Shit. 875 01:03:34,419 --> 01:03:37,087 - Hey, what are you doing? - There are people in there. 876 01:03:37,255 --> 01:03:39,590 Yeah. Shouldn't we call the fire... 877 01:03:41,426 --> 01:03:42,509 Shit! 878 01:04:01,112 --> 01:04:02,112 Mikey. 879 01:04:03,781 --> 01:04:05,032 Fuck. 880 01:04:06,075 --> 01:04:08,243 - Shit. Fuck. - Red Mist! 881 01:04:10,163 --> 01:04:12,706 Red Mist! Red Mist! 882 01:04:19,672 --> 01:04:22,299 Hey. Hey, man, can you hear me? Hey. 883 01:04:26,304 --> 01:04:27,804 Jesus Christ! 884 01:04:35,146 --> 01:04:38,231 Red Mist! Red Mist! 885 01:04:38,942 --> 01:04:40,817 Where the fuck are you? 886 01:05:15,436 --> 01:05:19,356 We gotta get the hell out of here. Dude, move your fucking ass! 887 01:05:37,917 --> 01:05:39,876 Holy shit! 888 01:05:40,336 --> 01:05:43,046 - Did you see those bodies? - Yeah, man. 889 01:05:45,967 --> 01:05:48,635 - Why'd you save the teddy? - What? 890 01:05:49,303 --> 01:05:51,430 I don't know, man. Come on. 891 01:06:04,527 --> 01:06:05,694 Come. 892 01:06:06,320 --> 01:06:07,946 What the hell are you doing, Frank? 893 01:06:08,031 --> 01:06:09,990 You know I can't be here. What if somebody saw... 894 01:06:10,074 --> 01:06:12,325 That motherfucker Kick-Ass burnt down my warehouse 895 01:06:12,410 --> 01:06:14,161 and killed my men, Gigante. 896 01:06:14,245 --> 01:06:16,163 Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Kick-Ass? 897 01:06:16,622 --> 01:06:18,248 - Are you sure? - You gotta help me, Vic. 898 01:06:18,750 --> 01:06:21,585 My son was there, and he's still missing. 899 01:06:21,753 --> 01:06:23,712 They're all dead! 900 01:06:23,796 --> 01:06:25,756 Everybody in the warehouse is dead. 901 01:06:27,133 --> 01:06:29,468 Put the gun down, Vic. It's Chris. 902 01:06:30,261 --> 01:06:31,720 Chris is Red Mist? 903 01:06:31,804 --> 01:06:34,014 It's not Red Mist you gotta worry about. It's Kick-Ass. 904 01:06:34,098 --> 01:06:36,933 No, no, no, it's not. Kick-Ass is just some geek, Dad. 905 01:06:37,018 --> 01:06:40,687 You don't have to worry about him. You need to watch this. 906 01:06:42,273 --> 01:06:44,775 - Why, what does it do? - Are you fucking kidding me? 907 01:06:44,859 --> 01:06:47,486 - What? - God damn it, just sit down. 908 01:06:52,658 --> 01:06:54,534 What are you doing? What the hell is that thing? 909 01:06:54,619 --> 01:06:57,496 You bought this to spy on the nanny when I was a kid. Don't you remember? 910 01:06:58,456 --> 01:07:00,874 - What, and you put it in the warehouse? - Yeah, I thought it'd be cool 911 01:07:00,958 --> 01:07:03,919 to put the unmasking of Kick-Ass on the Internet, okay? 912 01:07:04,212 --> 01:07:05,462 Watch. 913 01:07:09,509 --> 01:07:11,009 I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about 914 01:07:11,094 --> 01:07:14,137 "the first thing that comes up." 915 01:07:16,808 --> 01:07:19,643 - Yeah? - Just got the text. He's on his way. 916 01:07:20,144 --> 01:07:21,520 He did very good. 917 01:07:21,604 --> 01:07:23,563 - Don't kill him till I get there. - Right. 918 01:08:38,890 --> 01:08:40,307 Who the hell is this guy? 919 01:08:41,100 --> 01:08:42,601 I don't know, Dad. 920 01:08:43,394 --> 01:08:46,146 But Kick-Ass told me we're not the only superheroes in town. 921 01:08:46,230 --> 01:08:48,064 Maybe he knows who this guy is. 922 01:08:49,984 --> 01:08:52,235 I want this place locked down. 923 01:08:52,862 --> 01:08:55,405 Nobody comes in, nobody goes out. 924 01:08:57,074 --> 01:08:58,992 Not until somebody finds this cocksucker 925 01:08:59,076 --> 01:09:02,162 and pulls his fucking lungs out through his ass. 926 01:09:05,416 --> 01:09:07,918 Listen, they're on to you. 927 01:09:08,002 --> 01:09:10,378 Do you hear me? They're on to you. 928 01:09:10,463 --> 01:09:13,089 I thought they were looking for Kick-Ass. 929 01:09:13,174 --> 01:09:16,801 Not anymore. Gigante just put on a little movie-show for us. 930 01:09:16,886 --> 01:09:21,473 Different superhero in a warehouse, killing a whole bunch of D'Amico's guys. 931 01:09:21,807 --> 01:09:23,642 I'm gonna take a wild guess that was you. 932 01:09:24,727 --> 01:09:27,229 - I killed all the cameras. - Apparently not. 933 01:09:27,313 --> 01:09:30,357 Look, bro, you need to get ghost. Hide yourself quick. 934 01:09:31,150 --> 01:09:32,275 Appreciate it. 935 01:09:36,656 --> 01:09:37,822 Mindy, 936 01:09:38,741 --> 01:09:40,200 no more homework, baby doll. 937 01:09:41,452 --> 01:09:43,954 It's time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye. 938 01:09:51,963 --> 01:09:57,050 X-Men, the Fantastic Four, right now, I envy the crap out of them. 939 01:09:58,094 --> 01:10:02,347 Everything was out of control. I didn't know what the hell to do. 940 01:10:02,556 --> 01:10:06,768 You okay, buddy? You look tired. Early night tonight, maybe? 941 01:10:06,852 --> 01:10:08,728 And there was no one I could talk to about it. 942 01:10:08,813 --> 01:10:10,563 Dave? Hello? 943 01:10:10,982 --> 01:10:12,857 Yeah, you bet I will. 944 01:10:15,319 --> 01:10:16,945 I'd never felt more alone. 945 01:10:20,866 --> 01:10:26,246 I'd always dreamed of being a superhero, but this was a nightmare. 946 01:10:30,751 --> 01:10:33,878 It was time to stop wearing this stupid costume. 947 01:10:37,466 --> 01:10:40,427 But there was one last thing I needed it for. 948 01:10:42,513 --> 01:10:46,308 What's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker? 949 01:10:47,143 --> 01:10:49,477 Spider-Man gets the girl. 950 01:10:57,153 --> 01:10:59,362 Hey, I'm Kick-Ass. 951 01:11:04,160 --> 01:11:06,286 I'm Kick-Ass. You mail me? 952 01:11:07,496 --> 01:11:08,913 Wait... 953 01:11:09,623 --> 01:11:11,875 Fuck! Fuck! 954 01:11:12,084 --> 01:11:15,211 Fucking freak in a mask! Get out of my house! 955 01:11:15,296 --> 01:11:17,130 I'm not gonna hurt you, all right? 956 01:11:17,214 --> 01:11:19,090 No, no, no! It's me, it's me! 957 01:11:19,175 --> 01:11:21,801 All right? I was only trying to surprise you. I'm... 958 01:11:21,886 --> 01:11:24,304 - Dave? What the fuck are you doing? - I'm sorry. 959 01:11:24,388 --> 01:11:27,307 - Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass? - Because I am Kick-Ass. 960 01:11:27,683 --> 01:11:31,436 - What are you talking about? - And I'm also not gay. 961 01:11:32,480 --> 01:11:35,106 - Fuck! - And I'm an idiot and a shit friend. 962 01:11:35,191 --> 01:11:36,775 I lied to you, I know. 963 01:11:36,859 --> 01:11:39,277 - Oh, my God. - I know. If it makes you feel any better, 964 01:11:39,362 --> 01:11:43,490 I don't think you can hate me any more right now than I hate myself. 965 01:11:44,075 --> 01:11:45,742 Please, I'm... 966 01:11:46,827 --> 01:11:49,037 Look, I'm really, really sorry. 967 01:11:50,790 --> 01:11:56,920 I've never met anyone who's as beautiful and as kind and lovely as you. 968 01:12:01,258 --> 01:12:02,967 You deserve better. 969 01:12:21,445 --> 01:12:23,446 - Dave. - Yes? 970 01:12:24,949 --> 01:12:26,783 My mom has the burglar alarm on downstairs, 971 01:12:26,867 --> 01:12:29,536 so you should probably use the window. 972 01:12:35,126 --> 01:12:36,251 Or... 973 01:12:40,965 --> 01:12:42,632 Or you could just stay. 974 01:12:44,301 --> 01:12:45,385 Stay? 975 01:12:46,137 --> 01:12:47,637 What, like when we have a sleepover? 976 01:12:54,728 --> 01:12:57,397 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. 977 01:12:59,483 --> 01:13:00,608 Wow. 978 01:13:29,930 --> 01:13:32,182 We gotta get over it, 979 01:13:32,266 --> 01:13:36,102 on top of it, and then into it, right in the middle of it. 980 01:13:36,187 --> 01:13:38,021 Daddy, I think I found one. 981 01:13:38,105 --> 01:13:41,399 It's perfect, and they can deliver it in three days. 982 01:13:42,151 --> 01:13:44,944 Uh, it's 300,000 bucks. 983 01:13:45,029 --> 01:13:47,113 Can you think of anything else you'd rather spend it on? 984 01:13:47,198 --> 01:13:49,449 Oh, my gosh! 985 01:13:50,242 --> 01:13:52,911 - That is cool. - Yeah. 986 01:13:54,205 --> 01:13:56,039 Add to shopping cart. 987 01:13:56,457 --> 01:13:57,540 Okay. 988 01:14:00,211 --> 01:14:03,463 Out of Kick-Ass and Red Mist, who do you think would win in a fight? 989 01:14:03,839 --> 01:14:06,799 Why are they fighting? That seems stupid. 990 01:14:06,884 --> 01:14:10,803 - What do you think? - I don't know, but I think Kick-Ass is cuter. 991 01:14:10,888 --> 01:14:12,138 - Really? - Mmm-hmm. 992 01:14:13,057 --> 01:14:16,726 I, for one, would definitely fuck his brains out if I got the chance. 993 01:14:18,729 --> 01:14:19,938 You would? 994 01:14:20,022 --> 01:14:21,105 Definitely. 995 01:14:21,690 --> 01:14:24,984 Do you feel like checking out that new Kate Hudson movie 996 01:14:25,069 --> 01:14:26,819 where she's like a shoe designer, can't get a guy? 997 01:14:26,904 --> 01:14:30,281 - I think we could make the next showing. - Hell, yeah. 998 01:14:32,451 --> 01:14:34,536 I guess we're not invited. 999 01:14:35,246 --> 01:14:37,163 All right. You know what? Come here. 1000 01:14:37,248 --> 01:14:40,124 I'm going to convert you to a comics reader right now. 1001 01:14:40,584 --> 01:14:44,712 Suddenly, I understood why superheroes only existed in comic books. 1002 01:14:44,797 --> 01:14:48,174 I got why people didn't risk their lives for strangers. 1003 01:14:48,259 --> 01:14:50,552 Because for the first time in my life, 1004 01:14:50,636 --> 01:14:53,096 I had something worth living for, 1005 01:14:53,180 --> 01:14:54,847 something to lose. 1006 01:14:56,767 --> 01:14:58,935 Katie worried about me getting hurt, 1007 01:14:59,019 --> 01:15:01,688 so I promised her my Kick-Ass days were over. 1008 01:15:01,772 --> 01:15:04,857 And the truth was I hardly missed it at all. 1009 01:15:05,192 --> 01:15:07,944 I hadn't even checked the website for, like, a week. 1010 01:15:11,448 --> 01:15:13,449 Okay, I'm off then. 1011 01:15:14,201 --> 01:15:16,661 - No Katie tonight? - Tomorrow. 1012 01:15:16,954 --> 01:15:20,206 Wednesdays, she's got one of those volunteer things. 1013 01:15:20,291 --> 01:15:23,042 You seem like a different guy, you know that? 1014 01:15:23,127 --> 01:15:27,297 Your mom would have been so happy to see you out of your shell like this. 1015 01:15:27,381 --> 01:15:29,048 Have a good night. 1016 01:15:39,893 --> 01:15:42,312 - Hey, baby. - Hey, what's going on? 1017 01:15:42,938 --> 01:15:44,522 I gotta do a Kick-Ass thing. 1018 01:15:45,024 --> 01:15:47,358 What? I thought you were done with that. 1019 01:15:47,443 --> 01:15:49,611 This is the last time. I totally swear. 1020 01:15:50,779 --> 01:15:51,988 I worry about you. 1021 01:15:52,823 --> 01:15:55,199 Well, I wish you wouldn't worry. 1022 01:15:55,534 --> 01:15:57,076 I can't help it. I do because I... 1023 01:15:59,496 --> 01:16:01,331 I care about you a lot. 1024 01:16:04,335 --> 01:16:06,502 I care about you a lot, too. 1025 01:16:37,618 --> 01:16:38,951 This better be pretty serious, dude, 1026 01:16:39,036 --> 01:16:41,454 'cause I promised my girlfriend that I'm done with all this shit. 1027 01:16:41,538 --> 01:16:44,374 How about both of us being dead? Is that serious enough for you? 1028 01:16:44,917 --> 01:16:47,126 Dead? How? 1029 01:16:47,378 --> 01:16:49,587 It turns out those dead guys from the warehouse 1030 01:16:49,672 --> 01:16:53,091 had some bad motherfuckers for friends, and they think we did that shit. 1031 01:16:53,175 --> 01:16:55,176 There's a price on our heads, man. 1032 01:16:55,260 --> 01:16:57,512 A price on our heads? What is this, the Wild West? 1033 01:16:57,596 --> 01:17:00,390 I'm not messing with you, dude. They found out where I lived. 1034 01:17:00,474 --> 01:17:02,183 They trashed my place. I'm fucking screwed. 1035 01:17:02,267 --> 01:17:04,894 - And you're gonna be next, okay? - What? 1036 01:17:08,190 --> 01:17:09,273 Shit. 1037 01:17:10,567 --> 01:17:11,693 What do we do? 1038 01:17:14,947 --> 01:17:17,740 Remember you mentioned that there are other superheroes? 1039 01:17:18,158 --> 01:17:19,200 Yeah? 1040 01:17:20,119 --> 01:17:21,828 Well, do you think they can help us? 1041 01:17:31,171 --> 01:17:33,589 Hot chocolate, extra marshmallows. 1042 01:17:36,760 --> 01:17:40,138 Man, that looks even cooler than it did in the picture. 1043 01:17:40,222 --> 01:17:44,559 Child, you know, that's because in the picture, it didn't have Gatling guns. 1044 01:17:44,852 --> 01:17:46,102 Nice job. 1045 01:17:46,687 --> 01:17:48,020 I'm gonna take mine to bed, okay? 1046 01:17:48,105 --> 01:17:50,523 Okay, baby doll. Sleep tight. 1047 01:17:50,607 --> 01:17:53,151 Thanks. Kick-Ass? 1048 01:17:53,235 --> 01:17:54,444 Mmm-hmm. 1049 01:17:54,528 --> 01:17:57,155 You go get dressed. I'll tell him to meet us at Safe House B. 1050 01:17:57,239 --> 01:17:59,365 We'll have our hot chocolate when we get back. 1051 01:17:59,450 --> 01:18:01,325 - Okay, Daddy. - Come on. 1052 01:18:10,794 --> 01:18:12,128 - There you go. - All right. 1053 01:18:12,588 --> 01:18:14,839 - Do you know where that is? - No, but I'll just put it in the GPS. 1054 01:18:14,923 --> 01:18:17,467 - It's what it's for. - All right, let's go. 1055 01:18:18,677 --> 01:18:19,802 Shit. 1056 01:19:55,732 --> 01:19:57,400 Okay, okay, okay. 1057 01:20:05,075 --> 01:20:09,829 Well, here you are and Red Mist, too. 1058 01:20:15,335 --> 01:20:17,753 - Pleasure to meet you. - Good to meet you, sir. 1059 01:20:18,380 --> 01:20:19,964 Please, come in. 1060 01:20:20,465 --> 01:20:21,799 After you. 1061 01:20:25,053 --> 01:20:27,054 Hit Girl, manners, honey. 1062 01:20:29,808 --> 01:20:31,434 Hi, I'm Hit Girl. 1063 01:20:32,728 --> 01:20:38,441 No! 1064 01:20:40,277 --> 01:20:42,486 Your ass is mine! Come on. 1065 01:20:42,571 --> 01:20:43,946 No, he's with me. He's okay. 1066 01:20:44,031 --> 01:20:46,532 Shut the fuck up, kid. Your daddy's the boss. You go home. 1067 01:20:46,617 --> 01:20:49,869 Are you shitting me? No, he's fine. He's with me. 1068 01:20:50,037 --> 01:20:51,162 Let him go. 1069 01:20:51,246 --> 01:20:53,039 Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. 1070 01:20:53,123 --> 01:20:54,999 Hot damn. I always wanted one of these. 1071 01:20:55,083 --> 01:20:56,751 - You're seriously gonna take that? - Yes. 1072 01:20:56,835 --> 01:20:57,919 Come on, sweet cheeks. 1073 01:21:02,424 --> 01:21:04,050 If you don't get your wannabe superhero ass in the car... 1074 01:21:04,134 --> 01:21:05,676 - That's funny. you're gonna have a lot of trouble 1075 01:21:05,761 --> 01:21:07,595 - on your hands. - That's really funny. You're so fired. 1076 01:21:07,679 --> 01:21:10,222 - Kick-Ass... - Get him out of here. Get him out of here. 1077 01:21:10,307 --> 01:21:12,558 - Get him in the van. - Let go of me. Put me down. 1078 01:21:12,643 --> 01:21:14,268 Kick-Ass, I'm sorry! 1079 01:21:14,770 --> 01:21:16,979 - Get in the car. - Get in there! 1080 01:21:29,660 --> 01:21:31,827 You better fire this asshole. 1081 01:21:31,995 --> 01:21:33,496 Ignore him... 1082 01:21:34,498 --> 01:21:35,831 A bazooka? 1083 01:21:38,293 --> 01:21:40,503 - Okay. - We had a deal, Dad. 1084 01:21:40,587 --> 01:21:43,255 We had a fucking deal that I would get you the guy who did it, 1085 01:21:43,340 --> 01:21:46,968 and all I'm asking is you let Kick-Ass go. He didn't do anything wrong. 1086 01:21:47,052 --> 01:21:50,721 Chris, you got to look at this from my point of view. Okay? 1087 01:21:50,806 --> 01:21:53,641 I gotta send a public service message to the people out there 1088 01:21:54,017 --> 01:21:56,519 that being a superhero is bad for your health. 1089 01:21:56,603 --> 01:21:59,230 And the Big motherfucker? Nobody knows who he is. 1090 01:21:59,314 --> 01:22:02,858 - Yeah, but that's not fair! - Yeah, life's not fair, kid. Get over it. 1091 01:22:02,943 --> 01:22:04,318 What are you gonna do to them? 1092 01:22:05,195 --> 01:22:07,530 You really wanna be a part of my business? 1093 01:22:10,242 --> 01:22:11,283 Yeah. 1094 01:22:11,368 --> 01:22:14,537 Then sit down, shut up and watch. 1095 01:22:23,422 --> 01:22:26,632 Frank, we're ready. Enjoy the show. 1096 01:22:26,717 --> 01:22:28,843 - Are you controlling this right now? - I sure am. 1097 01:22:28,927 --> 01:22:31,303 Big Brother, watch and learn. 1098 01:22:31,972 --> 01:22:33,347 Welcome back. Breaking News. 1099 01:22:33,432 --> 01:22:36,142 A worldwide web broadcast of the New York superhero 1100 01:22:36,226 --> 01:22:39,520 who calls himself Kick-Ass is about to be shown live. 1101 01:22:39,604 --> 01:22:42,440 Rumors have it that this will be Kick-Ass's farewell appearance, 1102 01:22:42,858 --> 01:22:44,942 that he will announce his retirement from crime fighting. 1103 01:22:45,360 --> 01:22:47,486 But as word of mouth continues to spread, 1104 01:22:47,571 --> 01:22:49,071 Internet providers are predicting that 1105 01:22:49,156 --> 01:22:52,742 it could be one of the most widely-viewed live events in web history. 1106 01:22:53,285 --> 01:22:54,368 Wait, where's Dave? 1107 01:22:54,453 --> 01:22:56,454 There are no clues as yet as to the exact nature... 1108 01:22:56,538 --> 01:22:59,373 - Holy shit. Have you guys noticed... - He's with Katie. 1109 01:22:59,458 --> 01:23:01,625 - Obviously. come to a standstill to watch. 1110 01:23:01,710 --> 01:23:03,294 Why else would I be here? 1111 01:23:03,378 --> 01:23:06,756 There's no idea as to who is behind the broadcast of this show, 1112 01:23:06,840 --> 01:23:09,383 but we could see widespread server crashes... 1113 01:23:10,302 --> 01:23:12,344 Dave, why didn't you tell me this is what you were doing? 1114 01:23:12,429 --> 01:23:14,305 You're on the news. Call me. 1115 01:23:14,389 --> 01:23:17,641 We go now over live to the countdown clock as we are moments away. 1116 01:23:30,238 --> 01:23:31,614 Show time. 1117 01:23:33,700 --> 01:23:35,576 Hello, boys and girls. 1118 01:23:36,036 --> 01:23:37,495 Now, this... 1119 01:23:38,747 --> 01:23:40,206 Well, you know who this guy is. 1120 01:23:40,290 --> 01:23:43,125 And this guy here is Big Daddy. 1121 01:23:43,794 --> 01:23:45,961 And these are my friends. 1122 01:23:46,046 --> 01:23:48,089 Come on in, guys, say hello. 1123 01:23:48,173 --> 01:23:51,550 Yeah, yeah, there they are. Hello, hello. 1124 01:23:51,635 --> 01:23:55,096 Now Big Daddy and Kick-Ass are gonna help us 1125 01:23:55,180 --> 01:23:59,725 show you why being a hero is a bad idea. 1126 01:24:00,268 --> 01:24:01,727 You know what a silent "K" is? 1127 01:24:02,229 --> 01:24:04,105 That's when "K" is at the beginning of the word, 1128 01:24:04,189 --> 01:24:07,024 but you don't pronounce it. Like in the word "Knuckleduster." 1129 01:24:07,109 --> 01:24:09,652 Show them what a knuckleduster can do, guy. 1130 01:24:10,529 --> 01:24:11,695 That must have hurt! 1131 01:24:11,780 --> 01:24:12,822 Let's see that again from the other side. 1132 01:24:12,906 --> 01:24:15,241 Go on. Yeah, I think it did. 1133 01:24:15,325 --> 01:24:19,787 Now in France, they say the word "stick" like this, baton. 1134 01:24:20,163 --> 01:24:21,747 We got some of Kick-Ass's batons. 1135 01:24:21,832 --> 01:24:24,208 We're gonna show you what they can do. Go ahead, boys. 1136 01:24:28,004 --> 01:24:31,674 In America, we say "stick" like this. Baseball bat. 1137 01:24:32,843 --> 01:24:36,428 Which is very good for hitting knees and stomachs. 1138 01:24:36,513 --> 01:24:39,014 It's also good for hitting balls. 1139 01:24:39,975 --> 01:24:42,059 Know what else we do? We don't do them individually. 1140 01:24:42,352 --> 01:24:46,105 We do them all together. Gentlemen, please. 1141 01:24:46,189 --> 01:24:49,233 Yeah. Oh, this looks very painful. 1142 01:24:52,863 --> 01:24:55,114 Due to the distressing nature of the images, 1143 01:24:55,198 --> 01:24:56,949 we are unable to broadcast the events 1144 01:24:57,033 --> 01:24:58,826 currently streaming live on the Internet. 1145 01:24:58,910 --> 01:25:01,162 - Fuck. - No. No, no, no. 1146 01:25:03,373 --> 01:25:05,416 Despite initial speculation that this may be 1147 01:25:05,500 --> 01:25:07,459 some kind of hoax or publicity stunt, 1148 01:25:07,544 --> 01:25:10,796 it is now clear that the hostages are in genuine danger, 1149 01:25:10,881 --> 01:25:15,259 that all signs point to the intention to stage a live execution in the next few minutes. 1150 01:25:29,232 --> 01:25:32,985 Even with my metal plates and my fucked-up nerve endings, 1151 01:25:33,069 --> 01:25:35,738 I got to tell you, that hurt. 1152 01:25:38,074 --> 01:25:39,575 The kerosene. 1153 01:25:39,910 --> 01:25:41,452 Yes, the silent killer. 1154 01:25:41,536 --> 01:25:45,414 But not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind. 1155 01:25:45,874 --> 01:25:47,166 Katie, 1156 01:25:47,250 --> 01:25:48,584 my dad, 1157 01:25:49,211 --> 01:25:50,586 Todd and Marty. 1158 01:25:51,046 --> 01:25:55,174 And all the things I'd never do, like learn to drive, 1159 01:25:55,842 --> 01:25:58,385 or see what me and Katie's kids would look like 1160 01:25:58,470 --> 01:26:00,387 or find out what happened on Lost. 1161 01:26:00,472 --> 01:26:01,555 Spicy, spicy. 1162 01:26:01,640 --> 01:26:03,265 And if you're reassuring yourself 1163 01:26:03,350 --> 01:26:06,518 that I'm gonna make it through this since I'm talking to you now, 1164 01:26:07,437 --> 01:26:09,188 quit being such a smartass. 1165 01:26:09,773 --> 01:26:15,319 Hell, dude, you never seen Sin City, Sunset Blvd., American Beauty? 1166 01:26:16,279 --> 01:26:19,323 And this, for all you cavemen out there, 1167 01:26:20,450 --> 01:26:21,992 is fire. 1168 01:26:23,036 --> 01:26:24,203 No. 1169 01:26:30,043 --> 01:26:31,168 I know. 1170 01:26:31,753 --> 01:26:33,295 Fire. Fire is good. 1171 01:26:34,839 --> 01:26:36,924 Fire is our friend. 1172 01:26:37,801 --> 01:26:39,176 Yeah, yeah. 1173 01:26:45,475 --> 01:26:46,517 Gentlemen, 1174 01:26:48,895 --> 01:26:50,271 time to die. 1175 01:26:56,152 --> 01:26:57,194 What the... 1176 01:27:02,075 --> 01:27:05,703 What the fuck just happened? Hey, hey. Somebody find the lights. 1177 01:27:06,246 --> 01:27:07,413 Hello! 1178 01:27:08,665 --> 01:27:09,873 Jimmy. 1179 01:27:18,717 --> 01:27:20,050 Jesus Christ. 1180 01:27:21,177 --> 01:27:23,095 Bobby? Bobby? 1181 01:27:56,546 --> 01:27:57,921 Get the lighter! 1182 01:27:58,882 --> 01:28:01,383 It's on the floor right over there. Find the lighter. 1183 01:28:07,223 --> 01:28:08,474 I got it. 1184 01:28:22,739 --> 01:28:25,449 - No! - Take cover, child. 1185 01:28:30,997 --> 01:28:34,750 Now switch to Kryptonite. 1186 01:28:35,168 --> 01:28:36,543 Kryptonite. 1187 01:29:06,032 --> 01:29:09,868 Go to Robin's Revenge! 1188 01:29:09,953 --> 01:29:11,662 Robin, Robin. 1189 01:29:56,833 --> 01:29:58,333 Show's over, motherfuckers. 1190 01:30:03,715 --> 01:30:06,508 Yeah! I think I'm in love with her, dude. 1191 01:30:06,885 --> 01:30:09,386 She looks like she's about 11 years old, but... 1192 01:30:09,471 --> 01:30:12,806 I can wait! I solemnly vow to save myself for her. 1193 01:30:13,850 --> 01:30:17,019 That should be really difficult for you. Are you okay? 1194 01:30:17,437 --> 01:30:19,021 - Yeah. - Whoa! 1195 01:30:37,874 --> 01:30:39,208 Good job. 1196 01:30:47,800 --> 01:30:50,093 I'm so proud of you, baby doll. 1197 01:30:52,805 --> 01:30:54,264 Are you okay? 1198 01:30:57,936 --> 01:30:59,061 Uh-huh. 1199 01:30:59,979 --> 01:31:03,273 But getting shot, Daddy, it hurt a lot more than when you did it. 1200 01:31:05,193 --> 01:31:08,904 That's 'cause I used low velocity rounds, child. 1201 01:31:13,743 --> 01:31:15,619 You're the kindest daddy in the whole world. 1202 01:31:16,287 --> 01:31:17,746 No, I just... 1203 01:31:20,750 --> 01:31:22,125 I love you. 1204 01:31:27,423 --> 01:31:37,423 I love you, too, Daddy. 1205 01:31:40,395 --> 01:31:41,770 Sleep tight. 1206 01:32:00,999 --> 01:32:02,291 What's your name? 1207 01:32:03,376 --> 01:32:05,043 I mean your real name. 1208 01:32:05,420 --> 01:32:08,005 A superhero never reveals his true identity. 1209 01:32:08,089 --> 01:32:10,674 What? Look, you can't go on... 1210 01:32:12,302 --> 01:32:14,469 However you lived before, 1211 01:32:18,057 --> 01:32:19,182 it's over. 1212 01:32:21,603 --> 01:32:24,479 Is there anybody else? Your family or... 1213 01:32:24,564 --> 01:32:26,898 Look, I can take care of myself. 1214 01:32:27,650 --> 01:32:29,401 I saved your sorry ass. 1215 01:32:30,320 --> 01:32:34,281 What about money, huh? All right, 'cause you got to think long term. 1216 01:32:34,365 --> 01:32:36,992 I've got $3 million in a suitcase. 1217 01:32:38,119 --> 01:32:40,495 That "long term" enough for you? 1218 01:32:43,249 --> 01:32:45,459 It's not all about the money. 1219 01:32:46,753 --> 01:32:48,086 I owe you. 1220 01:32:49,631 --> 01:32:51,673 If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead. 1221 01:32:53,009 --> 01:32:55,010 And if it wasn't for you, 1222 01:32:56,512 --> 01:32:57,679 my dad wouldn't be. 1223 01:33:15,198 --> 01:33:16,323 Look, uh, 1224 01:33:17,408 --> 01:33:20,952 pack up whatever you need and we'll go back to my place. 1225 01:33:22,372 --> 01:33:24,414 I just need to clean my... 1226 01:33:25,041 --> 01:33:26,208 Just go. 1227 01:34:20,888 --> 01:34:24,307 Whoa! I meant like pajamas and clothes and stuff. 1228 01:34:24,392 --> 01:34:26,226 You can't take that stuff to my house. 1229 01:34:26,310 --> 01:34:28,019 You know what my dad really would have wanted? 1230 01:34:33,901 --> 01:34:36,570 He would have wanted me to finish what we started. 1231 01:34:37,780 --> 01:34:39,448 And that's exactly what I'm gonna do. 1232 01:34:56,841 --> 01:34:59,092 Is this Frank D'Amico's place? 1233 01:34:59,761 --> 01:35:01,428 All that security? 1234 01:35:01,929 --> 01:35:05,348 - Are you crazy? - My mom already died for nothing. 1235 01:35:06,726 --> 01:35:09,770 So I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing, too. 1236 01:35:12,148 --> 01:35:13,648 You can't do this on your own. 1237 01:35:16,068 --> 01:35:17,319 Exactly. 1238 01:35:20,072 --> 01:35:21,656 Do you wanna deal with owing my dad? 1239 01:35:23,826 --> 01:35:25,994 Then shut the hell up and pick your weapon. 1240 01:35:35,213 --> 01:35:36,671 Is that what I think it is? 1241 01:35:38,341 --> 01:35:39,674 Damn straight. 1242 01:35:39,759 --> 01:35:42,260 Oh, and you better start reading the instructions, 1243 01:35:42,345 --> 01:35:45,806 'cause you're gonna be using it in about five minutes. 1244 01:35:52,980 --> 01:35:56,483 Yo, listen up. We got five minutes, then I want you back on your posts. 1245 01:35:56,567 --> 01:35:58,068 And don't leave a mess. 1246 01:36:12,792 --> 01:36:15,710 - Everything okay? - Everything's all right, boss. 1247 01:36:17,505 --> 01:36:19,381 I can't believe I got my gun back. Look at that. 1248 01:36:20,049 --> 01:36:21,716 You know, it's not the... 1249 01:36:25,888 --> 01:36:27,222 Let her in. 1250 01:36:30,518 --> 01:36:33,562 It's a little kid. What's the matter with you? 1251 01:36:37,733 --> 01:36:39,568 You okay, sweetheart? 1252 01:36:39,735 --> 01:36:40,777 I... 1253 01:36:41,696 --> 01:36:43,321 I lost my mommy and daddy. 1254 01:36:44,073 --> 01:36:45,615 She lost her mommy and daddy. 1255 01:36:47,076 --> 01:36:49,286 You want to use my cell phone? 1256 01:36:50,288 --> 01:36:52,622 Now can you remember the number? 1257 01:37:01,883 --> 01:37:02,966 Help! 1258 01:37:36,292 --> 01:37:38,710 Had I ever been a real superhero? 1259 01:37:39,629 --> 01:37:42,255 The most I'd ever had to offer the world was good intentions 1260 01:37:42,340 --> 01:37:45,634 and a slightly elevated capacity to take a kicking. 1261 01:37:47,470 --> 01:37:50,972 With no power comes no responsibility. 1262 01:37:52,183 --> 01:37:55,477 Except that wasn't true. 1263 01:38:43,651 --> 01:38:44,859 - Did you hear that? - Holy shit. 1264 01:38:44,944 --> 01:38:46,695 Take cover, please. 1265 01:40:11,864 --> 01:40:13,073 Shit. 1266 01:40:14,033 --> 01:40:15,075 No. 1267 01:40:17,119 --> 01:40:18,244 Shit. 1268 01:40:21,332 --> 01:40:22,832 What the fuck? 1269 01:40:27,379 --> 01:40:29,214 Get in here. Help me out! 1270 01:40:34,470 --> 01:40:37,097 Holy fuck, Fashion, everybody's dead. 1271 01:40:39,308 --> 01:40:41,267 She's behind the counter. She's out of ammo, okay? 1272 01:40:56,992 --> 01:40:59,119 Do you think they got them? 1273 01:40:59,203 --> 01:41:01,162 If they didn't, he will. 1274 01:41:02,498 --> 01:41:04,082 Get out there. 1275 01:41:04,250 --> 01:41:05,250 Now? 1276 01:41:05,334 --> 01:41:06,668 Yeah, now. 1277 01:41:17,263 --> 01:41:18,513 What the fuck is going on? 1278 01:41:18,597 --> 01:41:20,390 We got her trapped. She's unarmed. 1279 01:41:20,474 --> 01:41:22,767 So what in the hell are you guys waiting for? 1280 01:41:22,852 --> 01:41:24,477 - Go get her. - Go on, man. 1281 01:41:24,562 --> 01:41:26,437 - Go get her. - I ain't got no fucking gun. 1282 01:41:26,522 --> 01:41:28,189 I'm not going in. 1283 01:41:29,859 --> 01:41:31,192 You do now. 1284 01:41:32,236 --> 01:41:33,528 Now move. 1285 01:41:53,465 --> 01:41:56,384 Fuck this shit. I'm getting the bazooka. 1286 01:41:58,804 --> 01:42:01,556 Bazooka? 1287 01:42:03,017 --> 01:42:05,518 It's only me, boss. Everything's under control. 1288 01:42:17,907 --> 01:42:22,160 Under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, you dumb-ass. 1289 01:42:24,205 --> 01:42:25,246 Sir? 1290 01:42:27,249 --> 01:42:28,416 Do it. 1291 01:42:49,772 --> 01:42:50,980 I always wanted to say this. 1292 01:42:53,776 --> 01:42:56,277 Say hello to my little friend! 1293 01:43:27,810 --> 01:43:29,269 Dirty motherfuckers! 1294 01:43:55,337 --> 01:43:56,671 Holy shit. 1295 01:44:05,264 --> 01:44:07,640 That is one weird-sounding bazooka. 1296 01:44:07,725 --> 01:44:08,808 Stu! 1297 01:44:14,398 --> 01:44:15,523 Fuck! 1298 01:44:25,617 --> 01:44:26,868 Get him. 1299 01:44:36,128 --> 01:44:37,920 Playtime's over, kid. 1300 01:44:38,088 --> 01:44:40,757 I never play. 1301 01:44:41,967 --> 01:44:43,301 Oh, really? 1302 01:46:01,130 --> 01:46:02,505 Ruin my business, huh? 1303 01:46:04,425 --> 01:46:07,301 Kill every single fucking guy on my payroll? 1304 01:46:37,291 --> 01:46:39,333 God, I wish I had a son like you. 1305 01:46:46,258 --> 01:46:48,301 Time for a family reunion. 1306 01:46:49,970 --> 01:46:51,095 Hey. 1307 01:46:51,847 --> 01:46:54,765 Why don't you pick on someone your own size? 1308 01:47:13,952 --> 01:47:15,953 - Are you okay? - Yeah. 1309 01:47:17,498 --> 01:47:18,915 Time to go home. 1310 01:48:55,971 --> 01:48:57,263 Thanks, Kick-Ass. 1311 01:48:57,806 --> 01:48:59,140 My daddy, 1312 01:49:01,768 --> 01:49:03,811 he would have been proud of both of us. 1313 01:49:14,406 --> 01:49:15,448 Dave. 1314 01:49:16,491 --> 01:49:17,992 Dave Lizewski. 1315 01:49:18,368 --> 01:49:19,660 I know that, dumb-ass. 1316 01:49:31,048 --> 01:49:32,214 Mindy. 1317 01:49:33,842 --> 01:49:35,384 Mindy Macready. 1318 01:49:51,985 --> 01:49:53,736 - Have a good day. Bye. - Bye. 1319 01:49:56,490 --> 01:49:59,533 Mindy moved in with Marcus, and he enrolled her at my school. 1320 01:49:59,618 --> 01:50:01,243 - Bye. - Good luck. 1321 01:50:02,287 --> 01:50:06,165 First school she'd ever been to, on the promise that I'd look out for her. 1322 01:50:07,376 --> 01:50:08,376 Hey. 1323 01:50:08,460 --> 01:50:09,960 Not that she needed me to. 1324 01:50:10,045 --> 01:50:11,504 Hey, new kid. 1325 01:50:11,838 --> 01:50:12,880 Hi. 1326 01:50:13,382 --> 01:50:14,840 Lunch money. 1327 01:50:15,384 --> 01:50:16,509 Now. 1328 01:50:24,393 --> 01:50:27,019 Kick-Ass was gone, but not forgotten. 1329 01:50:28,146 --> 01:50:31,315 And my world was much safer with all the new superheroes. 1330 01:50:32,567 --> 01:50:34,777 They said I was their inspiration, 1331 01:50:35,237 --> 01:50:37,988 but all I did was make a door into a world I'd dreamed about 1332 01:50:38,073 --> 01:50:40,074 since I was a little kid. 1333 01:50:40,742 --> 01:50:43,160 A world full of superheroes, huh? 1334 01:50:45,539 --> 01:50:47,581 As a great man once said, 1335 01:50:50,419 --> 01:50:52,878 "Wait till they get a load of me."