A handgun bullet travels at more than 700 miles per hour.
Hey, woah, absolutely not. No.
Look, if you don't wanna do it, you don't have to do it.
- Okay, good, I don't want to do it. - Fine.
Goddamn!
I'm alive!
That's amazing!
I know, right? So...
- You ready to go again? - Absolutely not.
Fine.
Don't just say "fine", and then shoot me in the chest. 'Cause it's not cool.
Like, at all.
Okay! Jeez.
I always wondered why no one tried to be a superhero before me.
It turns out somebody had. Mindy Macready.
After her dad died, his old partner on the force, Marcus, became her guardian.
- Nice backpack. - Thanks.
Steal it from a six-year old?
Marcus dropped her off everyday.
And as soon as he was gone, so was she.
No one in school found out 'cause she hacked into the server
and gave herself the award for perfect attendance.
Hit-Girl and Big Daddy had been the real deal.
Mindy was gonna keep wearing the mask, as long as there are criminals to take down.
But no matter how many drug dealers she's stopped...
She couldn't stop feeling alone.
Me? I've given up being a superhero 'cause it was way too dangerous.
The only problem? I was dying of boredom.
Like most high school seniors, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.
Hell, I didn't know what channel I wanted to watch.
It's just TV, Dave, not peace in the middle east.
My best friends Todd and Marty have no clue
I was the first superhero to go public.
Did you guys watch Spiderman last night?
Is it weird that Aunt May gets me kinda hard?
Not if you're a granny slammer.
They may wear costumes but it isn't Halloween.
They're real life superheroes.
In the two years since the first ordinary citizens donned capes and masks,
the movement has started to spread.
I became a superhero because of Kick-Ass.
Yeah, you just come home from work, you grab your gear and you go out on patrol.
Help us make the streets safe.
I inspired all those people to get off their asses.
And now I was stuck on mine.
So that night after dinner, I decided to get my own costume out.
- I'm sorry. - Woah! Can't you knock?
You know, buddy, it's perfectly normal
- for you to touch yourself. - Jesus, Dad, get out!
If I was even thinking about a Kick-Ass sequel, I had to get serious.
Hey!
Hey, can we chat?
Please, Mindy.
Get in the cab. The meter's running.
I wanna team up, like Batman and Robin.
- Nobody wants to be Robin. - What's wrong with Robin?
- Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin? - Robin wishes he was me.
What I'm trying to say is, we should be partners. You and me, like the Dynamic Duo.
- I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play B-League. - So, train me.
I wanna walk the walk, and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero.
Aren't you tired of being on your own?
Don't you wanna know someone's there for you?
Someone who's got your back.
- And you'll do anything I say. - Anything.
Hit me.
You're a fifteen- year-old girl...
What the hell?
Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch.
Oh, God.
Mindy beat me like morning wood, every day for three weeks.
Come on, guard up! Left, right.
Guard up!
Even with my damaged nerve endings, it hurt like hell.
In a weird way, I kinda liked it. It gave me a sense of purpose.
- What's happened to your face? - Nothing.
Like we were driving towards something.
That's amazing!
All the other people putting on masks were just playing superhero.
We were training to really do it.
I couldn't tell my girlfriend Katie, or Marty and Todd.
But I didn't care. We're having too much fun.
Left, right, left.
Our own superhero team.
This is gonna be balls.
What the hell, mom? Did you delete the news off the DVR?
- Yes, yes, I did, Christopher. - That was the one with Kick-Ass!
Christopher, you've got to stop obsessing over this superhero!
He's not a superhero, Mom. He's a murderer.
He blew up Dad with a bazooka, for fuck's sake!
Your father died in a fire.
A fire? What is your problem?
You! You are my problem.
I am trying to raise you to be a, a normal boy.
That's why we moved to Long Island after your father's accident.
A bazooka is not an accident, you delusional bitch.
- This conversation, is over. - Great! Then I'm leaving.
Come on, Javier, be cool.
Sorry, Chris, but your mom pays me not to be cool.
I hate you! You home-school me like I'm a prisoner!
You threw away my Red Mist costume, God!
I am not the problem, you are! I wish you were dead!
Mommy?
- Don't touch that. - I'm sorry, what is it?
It's a last resort. Like, if all else fails and you're about to die.
Are you not scared? To die?
Are you scared you're never gonna grow into your big boy pants?
I'm serious. What if Spider-Man or Batman got killed one night? It could happen.
If you're scared of dying, one thing is certain. You are going to die.
My Daddy was never afraid of dying.
Look where that got him.
He knew he might have to make the ultimate sacrifice one day.
And that's why he made me promise I'd never stop defending this city.
Cross my heart.
Hope to die.
Your dad was insane. You know that, right?
You're wrong, Dave. My Daddy was the first real superhero.
Not you or Red Mist. It was my Daddy.
And it was an honor to serve by his side.
- Hey, Mind, how was school? - Super crazy.
Miss Mullins was out today so we had Mr. Cooper teach us Biology. Such a grump...
Oh, really, that's weird, because Principal Emhoff called me yesterday.
Yeah, you were supposed to get an award for perfect attendance but, you didn't attend.
I followed you this morning. I saw you get into a cab
with some boy and I lost you guys over the bridge.
So now you wanna tell me where you really were today?
I'm really sorry, Marcus, I don't wanna make...
Cut the waterworks, Mind. You're fifteen, not five.
Okay.
Look, he asked me to cut class and go to the mall. So, yeah. Yeah, I did.
This has nothing to do with you being Hit-Girl?
I'm not gonna find any, ninja blades, or throwing stars under your bed?
No. I just wanted him to like me, okay?
Sweetie, you know skipping school is not a way to get boys to like you.
- I'm so stupid. - Hey, hey...
You're one of the smartest little girls I know.
Let's go get some pizza.
- Why, you mean I'm not grounded? - Well, just, consider this a warning.
Hey, you sure you wanna give all your mom's things away?
What the hell am I supposed to do with all her stuff?
Damn, she had a nice pair of guns.
Dude, she's dead! Don't talk about her tits!
- I was talking about these. - Oh, those. Those were my Dad's.
Why don't you keep them?
- You sure? - Yeah. I mean they belong to you, right?
Come on, Chris. You're your own man now.
- Just, just be careful, alright? - Yeah.
Whoa!
- Definitely, definitely, don't wanna keep those! - No, no, I'll take care of it!
Take the day off. Later!
- Hey. - So...
You ready for your first field test?
- What am I supposed to do with these? - Put them on, and, uh, go fishing.
- I'm the whitest pimp ever. - That's the idea!
Take your next right, comes out on Flatbush.
Are you sure I should be doing this without my gear?
That's the point. Kick-Ass isn't a costume. Kick-Ass is who you really are.
Dave Lizewski is the mask.
Well, my mask is about to get its' teeth kicked in.
Hey, queer bait.
Where you going with those bags, man?
Tell him you're on your way to fuck his mother with a Tobin strap-on.
I'm just taking a walk.
Really isn't what I do, I usually just call the cops.
Who are you talking to, man?
I'm just trying a call. There's, no, uh, service around here?
This sucks, man. Give me the bags, faggot.
Before I make you suck my fat cock, huh?
Come on.
Can you believe I let Mindy beat the snot out of me for weeks
just so I can get my ass kicked again? So much for a team.
You ready to die, faggot?
You know, all the homophobic shit makes you sound super gay.
If I ever catch you robbing again, shitburger,
I'mma go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off.
Promise me you're done with the life of crime?
I promise.
Pants on fire.
- What did you think? - I think you almost got me killed!
No, what did you think of my line?
"Pants on fire". I wrote a whole bunch full...
Run! I'll tell them you saved me. Go!
Female suspect fleeing Flatbush.
Under five feet, masked, armed with nunchucks and a sword.
- Hey, Mind. - Hey, Marcus, what's up?
I see you answered your phone. That means you're not in school.
I was, but I wasn't feeling so good. And so, the nurse decided to send me home.
Poor thing.
Well, I'm almost home. I'll make you some soup and we can watch Jeopardy.
- Alright, I'll see you soon, okay? - All right.
Shit!
You got my soup?
Let me take your temperature first.
- You're really clammy. - I'll feel better after a nap-nap.
Close your eyes. Then I'll make you that soup.
Is that blood?
Damn it, Mindy. I can't do this anymore.
Your father was like a brother to me. He was a great cop and a hero.
But Big Daddy, that was not your father, okay?
That was someone who robbed you of your childhood.
And this...
Hit-Girl. That's not who you are.
You are Mindy Macready.
You're just starting high school.
I understand that you don't know who that person is, yet, but you will.
You just gotta try.
I don't want to...
You don't know what you want. You can't.
You're not an adult, not yet.
Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15 years than most adults have in their lifetime.
That note that your father gave you,
the one you were supposed to open if anything ever happened to him.
What did it say?
That you would take care of me.
And that you were supposed to listen to me, right?
Well, listen up. I want you in school,
I want you to stop talking to that boy
and I want you to promise me that this is never gonna happen again.
Cross my heart.
Hope to die.
Good.
Mindy. What the hell?
First, you almost get me killed, then you stand me up.
Dave, I'm sorry.
- You are? - I am.
For everything.
Okay, great.
I mean, apologetic isn't a word I'd use to describe you.
How many times do I have to say it?
Look, let's get out of here.
You gotta ease up, I think I might've broken a rib.
Dave, I'm done...
- With training? - With everything.
Wait, you mean everything?
You can't. You're Hit-Girl. We were gonna start a team.
You can't just quit, this is who you are.
Not anymore, Dave.
I'm sorry, but it's over. I'm done.
Just leave me alone.
Would you stop apologizing!
I don't know what's worse.
That you're fucking a ninth-grader or that you just got dumped by one?
Pedophile freak!
- It's not like that! - What is it like? Please, tell me.
I can't. It's to do with the "Kick-Ass" thing.
I've got a secret for you.
You remember Malick?
Dude who volunteers at your needle exchange?
His baton is so much bigger than "Kick-Ass'"
- No. - Yeah.
- And by "baton", I mean penis. - Yeah, I got that, thanks.
15 ditching 20, pervert.
A freshman, Dave! You salty dog.
What's the problem? Grass in the field, play ball, right?
No, Todd.
Chris, your tutor's here. Chris!
Chris, your tu...
Holy shit!
What the hell is that?
My Destiny.
Chris, just, just 'cause your Mom like to get a little freaky, now...
I know what my role is in this, Javier...
My dad was a crime boss, so it just makes sense...
I'm a supervillain. It's evolution.
Come on, c'mon, just put those things down before you hurt somebody, Chris.
- Nah, that's my name. - Okay, okay, uhh, Red, Red Mist...
Red Mist was my superhero name. Henceforth, I'll be known as...
The Motherfucker.
After Mindy quit, I decided to stop hitting
the heavy bag and start hitting the streets.
- Hey, Kick-Ass! Welcome back! - Yeah!
You're the best, man!
Only problem? I was still on my own.
So I went online and found a Physics professor calling himself "Dr. Gravity".
Sure, he wasn't Hit-Girl, but I had to start somewhere.
This is the Zero-G device I invented.
- It can levitate any object up to a ton. - For real?
Hell, no, man! This is a baseball bat wrapped in tin foil! But it fooled you!
Hey, can I get a Diet Mountain Dew, please?
I'm not even a Physics professor. Just a copyright I put,
an ad thing, you see. But that's why I love this stuff.
You can be anyone you want.
- You done many team-ups before? - Kind of. Yeah. No, not really.
I was getting kinda nervous about being on my own.
Yeah, me too. I've never even been in a fight.
Well, hopefully, you won't have to.
Hey, I printed a guy talking about forming a team if you're interested.
I don't know how serious he is, but his picture was pretty hardcore.
Are you kidding me? That's why I contacted you.
I didn't wanna freak you out by bringing it up too soon, y'know?
I'll show you his profile after I hit the men's room.
You're uncle Ralph's not gonna be happy about this, Chris.
- That's not my name. - I'm not calling you that, forget it.
Javier, you worked for my Dad.
Then you worked for my Mom. Now, you work for me.
I'm probably the richest kid in New York City.
But if you don't like that, find yourself another motherfucking job, okay?
Yo, Kick-Ass!
- Man, am I glad to see you. - Is there anything I can do to help, sir?
Yeah, I was hoping you can help me get a million hits on YouTube!
Come on. Come on!
- God! - Run, Kick-Ass! Run!
Jersey Shore, motherfucker!
What, not interested in a fair fight, huh?
That is not a fair fight.
Team meeting tomorrow! I'll e-mail you the address.
Beware Dr. Gravity!
You have to admire the Doctor's enthusiasm.
I couldn't wait to meet his friends.
Hands in the air, spud roll.
Empty the register and don't do anything stupid.
Come on! Hey, where are your security cameras?
- We don't have them. - Seriously?
- Too expensive. - What the fuck!
- How is this gonna go viral? - You want to be filmed?
Shut up and just get on the ground!
And you better tell people The Motherfucker was here!
What's wrong with you, boy?
Get on the floor too, Gandalf, or I will bust a cap in your ass!
You're gonna bust your own face when that gun kicks if you don't hold it properly.
Just, get on the ground!
God! Will you hurry up?
I told ya!
Go! Go, go, go!
Start the car! Go, go, go, go, go! Fuck!
That was amazing! I feel so alive!
I know who I am, I know why I'm here.
I'm gonna fuck, this world, up! They will know The Motherfucker's name!
You got to find me some badass MMA types to train me, okay?
Like a, like a Chuck Liddell, or whoever.
Fuck, I don't care how much it costs.
I just wanna be able to kill Kick-Ass with my bare hands.
I gotta Tweet about this.
Alright, you ready?
- I don't know. Am I? - Yes, you are. You look great.
And Barbara's daughter, Brooke, is really nice.
What am I supposed to talk to them about?
I'd rather be waterboarded than listen to Justin Bieber.
- You're gonna be fine. - I'm gonna be a disaster.
How do you know that?
Because it's a slumber party, for fuck's sake?
Dollar. Jar.
You're gonna need a bigger jar.
Pretty cool, huh? This is how the beer gets delivered.
Dude, you got a secret elevator through underground headquarters.
Yeah, the guy I told you about owns this place.
- Just like a real-life Batcave. - I know, right?
This is the single greatest thing I've ever seen.
Welcome to "Justice Forever".
Hi, Detective Williams! This must be Mindy.
It is. Hi, Brooke.
So, you girls have some fun, and I'll pick you up in the morning, okay?
I'll be the one with the slit wrists.
No, you're gonna be the one that gets the awesome manicure.
- I am? - Hm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
- Say "hey" to Mindy, ladies. - Hey.
I know you. You're that freshman who took a ride on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.
I did not ride his...
If you just blew him. You're totes a virgin, right?
- She didn't blow him. Look at her. - Then what? Rimjob? Handjob? Fingerbang?
Sweet Ryan Seacrest. You at least kissed him, right?
Totes.
You've never kissed a boy, have you?
- Oh, my God, that is so adorbs. - Maybe, she's a dyke.
Maybe, I'll jam my foot up your snatch!
- Oh, she's super-bitchy, I likes! - What's the big deal, anyway?
What could be so great about gagging on some douchebag's tongue?
It's pretty fucking great!
You know how you feel when you watch that video by Union J?
Holy shit, you don't know?
This, will change, your life.
You guys love this shit like the fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?
Who's Stan Lee?
- What the fuck was that? - I know, right? I'm soaked.
That is who you are, Mindy. You may not dress like us, or talk like us,
but when it comes to boys, we're all the same.
Twilight, Channing Tatum, Union J. It's biology, bitch.
Don't fight it.
I am...
I gotta go.
But we were gonna go get high on bath salts at Logan's house.
Mindy, I wanna give you a chance that, the rest of the girls in our class would kill for.
Don't you wanna walk out the door everyday in skin-tight clothes,
knowing that everyone worships you?
Don't you wanna sneak out at night, raise a little hell and show the world what
a strong, independent woman is capable of?
Don't you wanna belong?
- Can I wear this to Logan's? - Yay! It's gonna be so much fun.
So, we tried the cops. And tried the newspapers.
And even set up a, y'know, a thing, on the internet for people to help us find Tommy.
But we got nothing.
We never saw our son again.
I came up with the name "Remembering Tommy",
and we've been doing this 3 nights a week.
Colonel Stars and Stripes found us online.
That's terrible, guys. I'm really sorry.
I became "Night Bitch" after my sister was murdered and found in a dumpster.
Oh, shit.
Doesn't bring her back, but at least I'm doing something positive about it.
- Insect Man? - Yeah. I'm...
I've been bullied my whole life for being gay.
So, now I stand up for the defenseless.
That's why I don't wear a mask.
Too much like being back in the closet.
Long as your heart is in the right place, we don't care what you put in your mouth.
- Fist bump. - Thank you, thank you, sir.
Well, I became "Battle Guy" after my parents were
mugged and killed coming home from the opera.
Did I tell you guys that that sick bastard
maxed out their credit cards on porno sites?
I just hope that we get the chance to say hello to this guy someday
so I can personally levitate his soul from his body.
Oh, my God, Marty?
Yeah, I know I recognized your voice.
No, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know a Marty.
- Hey, asshole, it's me. Dave. - Dave?
- Why are you dressed like Kick-Ass? - Because, I'm Kick-Ass!
- You two know each other? - Yeah, like, since we were five.
What's all this bullshit about your parents getting killed?
Language!
- What? - Battle Guy? Care to update your resume?
I'm trying to figure out how to explain this without
sounding like a complete idiot right now.
Yeah, I'm not sure that's possible, Batman.
I'm not, either.
Okay, well, when I found you guys online,
you were all swapping these awesome origin stories.
I mean, Colonel, you're ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.
Yo!
- Don't take the Lord's name in vain. - I'm sorry.
I just, I didn't think you guys would let me
join the team unless I had a good story, too.
All right. We'll let you off the hook this time, Battle Guy.
- Want to see something cool? - Yeah!
I thought this could be our meeting room.
Woah! This is so cool!
Now this little renovation was totally clandestine.
Which means nobody knew about it.
I know it's not much, but this is just the beginning.
Together, we can make a real difference.
If you'd consider it, Kick-Ass, we'd be honored to have you join us.
Hell, yeah!
That's what I'd like to hear!
Alright! Time for initiation. Turn around and I'll unzip ya.
I'm sorry, what?
I'm just joking. Let's get down to business.
There you are. We saved you a seat in the caf, but you never showed.
Yeah, I usually head over to the Olive Garden to carb-load.
I haven't had white sugar since my first birthday.
Do we need an intervention?
Come on. The best way to tighten up a tummy is the varsity dance team.
The signing sheet just went up.
It's still blowing my mind, "Kick-Ass".
It's like finding out your best friend's always been Will Smith. Y'know.
- Hey, guys. What you talking 'bout? - Nothing.
- Nothing? - Yeah, Todd, nothing.
All right, see you around, guys.
Todd, wait!
- Watch it! - Watch me end your life!
C'mon, forget it. He's just one of those dickheads
that follows The Motherfucker on Twitter.
Who?
The Motherfucker. He's some guy planning to be the world's first supervillain.
He's got like a thousand followers already.
What an asshole.
Get some!
You got this, Motherfucker!
- You really think he got a shot? - I wouldn't take his money if I didn't.
MMA is like chess, it's all about the moves.
And your boy really knows his stuff.
Time to die, asshole.
- Are you alright? - I'm cool.
Good jab! Nice jab, buddy!
Come on, stay loose, baby. Walk it off, walk it off!
Shit! Oh, you broke my leg!
- Come on. Do something. - Let's take a break.
Yeah, let's take a break, guys! Come on.
Street rules, bitch!
Chuck! Get this girl off me!
Hey, what are you doing, man?
You all right, Chris? You all right, buddy?
- Get off me, I was winning! - No, you were crying.
You know what? Screw this.
My superpower, is that I'm rich as shit.
Hey, you wanna work for me, huh?
You wanna beat people up for me?
- Sure. - Alright!
Let's get you a mask and a costume and we will call you...
"Black Death".
Woah, you don't think that's just a little bit incredibly racist?
I don't give a shit! I want you to put the word out.
That I'm willing to pay top-dollar for every hired hitter in town.
- Come on, let's just talk about it first. - The money talks.
You wanted me to be my own man. This is what it looks like.
Alright, alright, I'll make some calls.
Yes! Anybody else who wanna be a supervillain?
I promise I'll pay better than Chuck "Little Dick" Liddell!
What did you call me?
No, no, man. He took a hit to the head, he doesn't know what he's saying.
I've been studying privately with Coach Podell.
And by studying, I mean my mom paid her off to make me varsity.
So, if you're half-decent I'll make sure she puts you on the team.
- At least as an alternate. - You did that for me?
Besties stick together.
If Brooke wants a pet, she should just get a dog.
She's just trying to recreate Mindy in her own image.
All right ladies, have a seat, let's get started.
Mindy Macready.
Chill.
As long as you don't fall on your face, you're in.
Go.
Four attackers...
No escape.
- Oh my God! You'd totally make captain. - So much better than Brooke's.
Oh, my God.
A bunch of people with made-up names,
standing around in homemade costumes,
searching the web for unsolved crimes?
The comic book heroes all have billion-dollar bases
and headquarters on the moon.
But this is the real world.
- Scales, like red, white and blue. - Ist's awesome!
- Brick. - Alright.
- What do you think? - I think it does the job.
People should get what they deserve.
A family living in the street deserves a hot meal.
An inebriated college girl deserves to make it home safe at night.
And a pervert, a pedophile...
deserves a visit from Eisenhower.
It's fun!
Now you don't wanna hit with your closed fist.
Because you might break your hand, then you're defenseless.
You wanna hit with open palm!
Open palm!
I never made varsity football, or got cast in the school play.
Hell, I never even made honor roll.
Dropped like a bitch!
But if I had, I kinda believed it would've felt a lot like this.
"When the cops can no longer, protect and serve,
be warned, mugger, heads up, perv!
We got the strength, we got the nerve,
to give those in need, what they deserve!"
Justice Forever!
We were in the ultimate clique.
It didn't matter that no one else knew. We knew.
We felt like rockstars.
Doctor, good job. Battle Guy...
Good night, Colonel, Thanks for everything.
No, son, thank you.
You showed us that every man can make a difference.
Without Kick-Ass, none of us would be here.
That's from the heart. Don't let it go to your head.
So...
I'm not really that tired.
- Okay. - Let's leave the masks on.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
First big mission is tonight. And it's not community service.
We're taking out some real bad guys.
- Come on, can't your team handle it? - They're not you, Mindy.
Remembering Tommy owns a dry fruit business
- and Night Bitch teaches ballet. - Night Bitch?
What is she, a superhero or a softcore porno?
Maybe a little bit of both.
Oh, God! You're frogging her?
I'm gonna vom.
Hey, you're like a ninja.
Can't you just sneak out? After Marcus goes to sleep?
You don't get it, Dave.
I made a promise to Marcus.
So break it. You're a superhero, remember?
Mindy Macready is just a disguise.
Yeah, I don't know what kind of superhero "Night Whore" is,
but if you really think I'd ever break my word,
you obviously have no idea of who I am.
I know that making dance team doesn't make you stop being who you are.
I know Hit-Girl couldn't give a shit about what high school girls are into.
I know that you wouldn't go on a date if your life depended on it.
- Go to hell, Dave. - What? You know I'm right.
Hey, roid-rage.
- Me? - Yeah.
You wanna take me on a date sometime?
Yeah! Sure, umm...
My name is, umm, Simon.
Great, "um, Simon."
It's a date.
- Mindy! I'm sorry. - Is there a problem, Mind?
Good. 'Cause I don't like problems.
Dave, you've been sneaking out at night?
Mrs. Napier said she thought she saw you leaving at 2 in the morning.
Miss Napier's crazy, dad. She tried to teach her dog Spanish.
Are you on drugs?
Seriously?
I gotta ask. You're my best bud and you're growing up so fast.
Promise me you're not doing anything foolish?
Yeah, I promise.
Good enough for me, pal.
You're too smart to do anything stupid.
Justice Forever!
I'm glad you got that out of your system.
Todd texted me. Again.
What a looser.
Dude, how badass is Colonel Stars and Stripes?
Yeah, I still can't believe he's an ex-mob enforcer.
I mean, how do you go from that to being a superhero?
He's a born again Christian.
- Shut up! - Yeah!
Let's hope he can handle tonight.
I guess we're about to find out.
Hey, where's the rest of the team?
Dr. Gravity has the flu and Remembering Tommy got Book of Mormon tickets, so...
That's okay.
The five of us should do.
How did you say this guy made his money, sir? Prostitution?
Not just girls. Kids. Ships them in from villages back home.
- Boneheads in blue take a blind eye. - How do you know he's here tonight?
Because Thursday night is poker night.
Same five lowlifes every week. They're not even hard to find.
- So what's the plan? Are we sneaking in? - I thought we'd knock.
- What? - More polite.
Stay frosty, team.
I used to eat punks like this for breakfast.
Jehovah's Witness!
I'm sorry, I just zoned out for a second.
Did you say that we're going up against five gangsters?
The bouncer makes six.
- And three quarters. - What the fuck do you want?
Good evening, young man. We'd like a word with Jimmy Kim.
If it's not too inconvenient.
Get the fuck out of here before I tear your head off, you old fuck.
- I'm sorry. - I think we're in trouble.
I just don't understand why people feel the need to use that kind of language.
Here we go.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Battle Guy?
What did I tell you about taking the Lord's name in vain?
Sorry, sir.
Eisenhower, at the ready.
Insect Man, I want you right behind me.
Everybody else, spread out, catch some strays.
Oh... and try to have fun.
Otherwise, what's the point?
Nice party. Anybody wanna dance?
Where are you going?
Very nice!
Watch the bunny!
Night Bitch! Behind you!
I got his right arm.
You know, you shouldn't talk with your mouth full. It's very rude.
Come on!
Who the hell are you?
- We're the good guys. - No, you're the fucking dead guys.
Eisenhower.
- Where are the girls? - Come on, man. I've got a heart problem.
Oh, yeah?
You want me to solve that for you?
Okay. The girls are upstairs in the apartments.
My little brother, he's only a kid. He's just a college kid.
- Kick-Ass, Night Bitch. - On it!
Ralph D'Amico is gonna end you for this.
- It hurts! - Yeah, there's a dog on your balls.
You want money? There's fifty grand in the table.
Please, just make him stop! Please!
You think you can buy us? Is that what you think?
We're not here to steal from you. We're here to send a message.
To all the other bottom-dwellers.
We're shutting you down.
C'mon. There's a van waiting outside from the women's shelter.
It'll take you someplace safe.
Go! Go!
Wait, we can't leave. We have no money.
Battle Guy, how much did they have on the table?
I'd say fifty grand.
- You got plenty now. - Thank you.
Good job, guys.
Very tidy. Very tidy.
I can't believe you pulled a gun on that guy.
Were you really gonna shoot him?
I'll let you in on a little secret.
Empty. Don't tell the bad guys.
Pardon my language, Colonel, but you have got some serious balls.
Certainly more than Mr. Kim.
"There's a dog on my balls!"
- Goddamn it! Javier! - What happened?
Some douche just posted a link to a story about a whorehouse.
Says that Kick-Ass' team took them out.
- What the hell, where's my crew? - Chris, everybody's just...
Could you ladies excuse us for a second?
No, they're my sidekicks, they can listen to what we have to...
They're not your sidekicks, Chris. They're prostitutes and witnesses. Come on.
Alright. Sorry. No offense.
Everybody's just too afraid of your uncle Ralph to take the job.
- But he's in prison. - Doesn't matter. He runs the family now.
And he wants everybody to lay low.
But fortunately for you, Big Tony doesn't know how to lay low so he's here.
I don't remember a Big Tony. Is he huge?
He's ironic.
Five-foot-four, but mean as shit.
He's got such a hard-on for killing people.
- He's little, and he kills. - Right.
Call him "The Tumor".
Who's next?
Alright. We got an ex-Triad member, looking for work.
Easy! "Genghis Carnage"! Come on!
You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris.
Archetypes. Keep going.
Alright, we got a Katryna Dubrovsky.
- Wait, wait, wait, a chick? - Yeah.
- You're saying you hired a chick? - Yeah.
Former KGB. She was locked up in the gulag until she ate her cellmate.
"Mother Russia".
Mother Russia and Motherfucker both on the same team? That doesn't work, Chris.
I am not asking for suggestions, asshole.
Just get them costumes and get them ready.
Shit. Javier, thank you.
I couldn't do this without you.
You're pretty much like the only real family I have left.
Not a problem, man. I got your back.
It's kinda like you're the Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.
- Did you just call me your fucking butler? - Yeah, is it not a compliment?
Shit. My bad.
There wasn't much action those nights.
I mean, there was always a little action, with Night Bitch.
The reality of being a superhero, is lots of patrols.
But that didn't stop people from begging to join up.
With all our new members, it seemed kinda shitty not to ask Todd.
Stop peeking man, you're gonna ruin it.
Check, it, out!
You can't fight crime in that.
You're pants are so tight, you got frog eye.
- What the hell's frog eye? - Male cameltoe.
I'm not really sure about these names you've come up with, either.
Whoop-ass, Kickass-Man, Doctor Kick-ass?
- Yeah? - Yeah, they all kinda seem, derivative?
Let me translate that: you can't just copy Dave's name, you nobgobbler!
Okay, umm...
Oh, wait.
Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it.
"Ass-kicker".
- Seriously? - You're such a dick, Marty.
I know this is why you guys don't text me back. I'm not an actual idiot.
Well, you could've fooled me, "Ass-licker".
You know what, screw you guys.
- Todd. - No, really.
Fuck you guys. I'm gonna form my own team.
Todd, wait, come on!
Todd was right. We are being dicks.
But the truth is, the only person who I really wanted on the team was Mindy.
But she was too busy trying not be a superhero.
Okay, Mind, he's here.
Your first big date. How are you feeling?
Like the first time Big Daddy sent me into a crack den with nothing but a pen knife?
I've got some butterflies.
You just be yourself and you let me be nervous.
Don't worry about me.
I can kill a man with his own finger.
A word of advice: I wouldn't open with that.
Thanks for letting me finally take you out.
Well, I...
How else was I gonna get you to stop calling?
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
- Where are we going? - To a party.
Why is this party in the middle of nowhere?
Because that's where keg parties are usually are, right?
- I guess we're the first ones here. - This isn't where you have a party, moron.
- This is where you dump a dead body. - What's your problem?
I'm sorry.
I'll stop being such a bitch.
You actually seem like a nice guy.
So, umm...
You wanna hook up?
I'm not a total idiot.
Simon, get back in the car.
Now!
Yay! You made it.
- Brooke? - This, is to celebrate you.
Celebrate?
What a total loser you are. And...
We ditch losers.
Poor Mindy. What did you think?
The cool kids saw something special in you, and,
invited you to your first party?
Where you'd sip your first beer and, finally suck face for the first time?
You're not special.
Fuck with the queen bee and, you're gonna get stung.
Date ditch.
Party at my house!
Simon... You can drive us.
Dave?
Oh, my God, Mindy?
Holy shit. What are you doing?
It's just...
I needed to see my Robin, I guess.
Are you okay?
I don't know what to do.
Those girls, they're...
They're evil.
It's just high school. Who gives a shit.
You should be out there in the real world.
Making it a better place.
- Dave, I can't. - I know, you promised your dad.
But he's not here anymore.
This is your life. You got to live it.
How am I supposed to face them tomorrow?
I'm so embarrassed.
Why? You're smart, you're beautiful, you're funny.
You're the strongest person I've ever met. You can do anything.
And you're Hit-Girl!
It doesn't matter if you're wearing a mask or make-up.
That's who you really are.
So what should I do? Cut their tongues out?
- No, definitely not. - I'm fucking with you.
Just beat them at their own game.
By being yourself.
Well, if you really wanna be popular, consider two little words:
Sex tape.
Lois, you don't need these assholes.
If I can dress like them, so can you.
It's a gift. From some drug dealer who went missing.
Just because you dress like us, doesn't mean that you can be like one of us.
It doesn't matter what costume I wear, yours or mine.
I'm a superhero. That's who I am.
Okay, Captain Muffin-muncher. Have fun playing make-believe.
This, is all make- believe, Brooke.
The reality is, you're an evil bitch.
Who's just as bad as the worst criminal scum.
You wanna get real, Mindy? In the real world, I win.
I go to an awesome college, I marry a hot guy,
and I make adorable babies for my nanny to take care of
while we vacate in Paris.
My life is gonna rock. And yours is gonna suck.
And no matter how slutty you dress,
no boy is ever gonna wanna kiss that hole you call a mouth.
So why don't you spare us all the whining and slit your wrists now.
'Cause the only thing that's gonna ruin my day
is looking at your face one more second.
Told her.
What's that? A ghetto cellphone?
Gonna call for help with a comeback?
Actually, my daddy bought this from a disgruntled darpo employee.
You see it was designed for crowd control but deemed too severe.
It emits a pulse that creates spontaneous nausea and diarrhea.
He called it the "sick stick".
Well, either your dad got ripped off,
or you're back in make-believe land, sweetheart.
Because we feel fabulous.
Not for long.
Oh, my God!
You get away from me. Please. You win.
I don't want to win. I just want to make the world a better place.
Dad.
You home? Dad?
Is this what you've been up to while I'm out
working nights saving for your college? You've been,
dressing up and fighting people? There is blood on these stick-things.
What are you doing in my room?
I was looking for drugs. I was worried about you.
- Okay, well now you can stop. - No. Now I'm even more worried.
Jesus, Dave. Drugs would have been better. This is deranged.
- Some people do a lot worse. - Oh, the people you hang out with?
No, the people I hang out with are superheroes.
There is no such thing, Dave. This is the real world, with real consequences.
- When are you gonna grow up? - If it means turning into you, never.
I don't wear that mask 'cause I'm ashamed of who I am. Not like you.
What's that supposed to mean?
You're out of work. You're here doing crunches.
Why? So you'd look like someone else?
Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing?
Your life has no meaning, dad. When you're gone, who's gonna notice?
Where the hell are you going?
Oh, I'm leaving. That's what you do when you grow up.
Did he say why he wanted to see me?
When your uncle Ralph calls, don't ask questions.
That's the kid?
Chris, just be cool and you'll be fine.
- Hey, how you doing? - Good, Uncle Ralph.
Listen, Chris things have been tough all around since your dad, you know...
While I've been tryin' to get family back on track for many years...
- Uncle Ralph, they record these things. - It's fine. The warden's a pal.
Now listen to me. It's okay to have a bit of fun.
But you can't go hiring a gang of heavy-hitters.
- Javier should have told you. - No, it doesn't matter.
Uncle Ralph, I am gonna make Kick-Ass pay for what he did to us.
Chris, you need to forget that punk.
It's more important that you stay out of this.
You're not like me, or your dad. You're, uhh...
Special.
You can't tell me what to do anymore.
- I know who I am now. - Oh, yeah? And who's that?
The Motherfucker.
You think you're the big bad guy, huh?
Let me show you what real evil looks like.
Hello?
- Javier, what's going on? - Chris, what's up?
What are you doing on Lou's phone, huh?
You dropped yours in the toilet again?
Everything okay?
Thank you for that. I needed it.
- For what comes next. - Don't be stupid, Chris.
Just get out of town for a while. Go to college or something.
Why? You just taught me everything I needed to know.
Voila! Presto and alaca-damn!
Them boys designed a very tasty logo.
What's the matter, girl? Do you hear something?
Come on, let's go see. Come on!
Anybody out here?
I don't see anything.
You'll have to stay in there until you calm down, you lunatic.
I wonder what's bothering you.
I know. Tonight, you die.
- Ladies first. - You will not shoot me.
You are superhero. You help people. You do not hurt them.
That's supervillain territory. Or as I call my little gang,
- The "Toxic Mega-Cunts". - Hi.
Yeah, like your head.
That's gotta hurt.
I did my homework on you, Colonel.
You used to be Sal Bertolinni, didn't you?
Did a few jobs for my dad back in the day before you got born again.
I used to hang with, a lot of losers.
Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal? Dressed like an idiot?
- Who are you supposed to be? - I'm The Motherfucker!
And I'm here to end Kick-Ass. Not just kill him,
I am gonna shit on everything that he loves.
Let's trash this place, guys.
Miranda Swedlow.
Who's that, Sal? She one of the whores on your team?
Night Bitch. All snuggled up to Kick-Ass.
Looks like our boy's got a new hot pocket!
Want me to kill his dog?
The dog? Jesus Christ, I'm not that evil.
Cut the old man's head off. Are you guys hungry? I'm starving.
- Come on. - Pizza, can we get pizza?
We're getting pizza.
Don't worry. I kill you first.
Justice, Forever...
A Brooklyn resident was found decapitated last night.
According to Twitter, a man claiming to be the world's first supervillain...
I told you, no TV. You're grounded, remember?
Marcus, I know I made you a promise.
But I can't keep being someone I'm not. When I see evil, I have to stop it.
Mindy what you did to those girls at school, was unacceptable.
- You could've really hurt them. - You're right. I could have.
But instead, I sent them home with tummy aches. Boo-fucking-hoo!
I don't get it. This obsession that you have with revenge is not healthy.
If you don't let me, and the police do our jobs,
then there's gonna be nothing that I can do for you.
You're never gonna have a normal life,
and you'll probably end up like your father.
Marcus, they cut a guy's head off. Who else is going to stop them?
Kick-Ass? You?
You go to your room and do your homework.
Now!
Hey, guys. We're signing a sympathy card for the Colonel's sister.
You wanna go 5 bucks each so we can send flowers from the team?
Did you guys see The Motherfucker's Twitter page?
Who is this guy? And what's his problem with us?
I don't know, man, but he has got some elephant-sized balls.
He's been bragging on the web about what they did to the Colonel.
- Can that be traced? - I tried. His IP address is masked.
Alright, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna organize a fight.
There're a lot of guys online who's said they're in if we need them.
Are you kidding me? This isn't West Side Story.
We didn't join up to be in a gang. We did it so we could help people.
Sharon's right. We need to leave this to the cops.
Well we better start walking in pairs.
The Motherfucker's tweeted that the Colonel was just the beginning.
Anybody seen Night Bitch?
You sure she's on their team?
Stupid gash. It's posted on a superhero page that she's dating Kick-Ass.
So, yeah, I'm damn sure.
Hello, Night Bitch!
I think she wants to take the party upstairs!
We're gonna have a party.
She closed the door!
Don't worry, darling. I'm not gonna kill you.
I want you to give a message to your boyfriend.
Let go!
You're done banging superheroes, baby!
It's time to see what evil dick feels like.
Shit!
What's wrong?
What are you doing?
Come on!
God, okay, I'm just... I'm not in the mood!
I guess evil dick feels limp.
Hurt her...
bad.
Cops are coming.
Leave it to Mother Russia. She makes ten times what we do.
Fifty thousand per week, plus expenses.
Hey, watch out!
Reverse it, reverse it!
Damn!
Don't move! Freeze!
Fifty thousand. She's worth it!
Why is he backing up? Why's there a lawnmower on the trunk?
We need back-up! Eight men down!
I think you mean ten.
Let's bounce!
Put the word out. I'm building an evil army.
All psychopaths and ex-cons welcome.
I don't think you can have a problem, when people hear about this.
They just disappeared?
All they have to do is take off their masks.
No one's gonna recognize them once they're back in their street clothes.
Your attention, please!
Feds traced the IP addresses for all those other costumed freaks.
Now we got every law enforcement agency in the state working to hit them at once.
Why is Kick-Ass on this list? His crew does community service.
I don't give a shit! Anyone wearing a mask, is getting detained.
We're putting an end to this tonight!
A lot of people have said the cops were too heavy-handed that night.
But you gotta put it in context.
The police didn't mind our real-life superhero stuff
as long as we were picking up litter, or helping old ladies cross the street.
But suddenly, it was serious.
Suddenly we represented everything that was wrong with society.
Freeze!
Dad had warned me that the real world had real consequences.
Once they pulled up, he must've been feeling pretty damn vindicated.
Shit, Dave, what have you done?
Police, open up!
- Hey. - Hi.
Uh, me, Kick-Ass?
You're actually pretty cute under that mask.
I'm so sorry about what happened.
Don't be.
It's my own fault.
We're gonna find these assholes and make this right.
What's the point?
I mean we're really superheroes but as much as we're really dating.
We don't even know each other's names.
I think it's time to get back to the real world.
I thought we were trying to make it a better place.
Then why is it worse?
Maybe Night Bitch was right. Which means Dad was, too.
I mean, things have gone out of hand.
Maybe it was time for me to stop crashing at Marty's, and start apologizing.
Dad?
- That's my Dad! - Your dad's Kick-Ass?
- What? - Yeah, he just gave himself up.
You don't understand. He's doing this to protect me. Dad!
Dad! What...
- Mindy? - Dave?
I need your help.
My dad's been arrested. They think he's Kick-Ass. Can you talk to Marcus?
- I'm grounded. - So?
So that means I can't get involved.
- Okay, look. Wait a second. - I wish I could help.
Mindy, are you on the phone?
I got to go, okay?
- I'm sorry, Dave. - Mindy, wait, wait.
- Hey, what the hell are you thinking? - Yeah? I can ask you the same thing.
I can't believe you lied to them.
I'm not supposed to do nothing while you went to jail.
I chose this. You should let me deal with the consequences.
I thought you wanted me to grow up.
Well when you get a kid of your own one day, you'll understand.
I'mma tell them the truth.
No, hey, it'll just make things worse. Look,
I spoke to my attorney, and he said they gotta let me out by tomorrow.
No actual crimes committed.
There are people out there who wanna kill Kick-Ass.
Well, the cops are out there looking for them.
So the safest place for Kick-Ass is right here, locked away.
Dave I don't know how you got into all this shit but,
you got to promise me that you will never dress up in that outfit again.
You hear me?
I promise.
This evil lair owns!
- Do people still say that? "Own"? - Yeah, of course.
- Your shark, something's wrong. - I think it's the wrong kind of water.
- What the hell, Eyal? - It's fine, Chris.
They're supposed to lie at the bottom of the tank.
It's just their way of, how you say, settling into their environment.
Don't screw me on this, okay? You said we'd be running in two days,
we don't even have a men's wing yet.
Don't worry.
- What's with the bags of shit? - It's fertilizer for the bombs!
You're not a supervillain if you don't have a plan to destroy the city.
It will not work. You need the chemical kind.
Do I have to do everything myself? Just fix it.
You must relax. Everything is going as planned.
No, no, no. Except that it's not, okay?
That sad sack is not Kick-Ass. I've seen Kick-Ass, he's at my age.
- That guy is old enough to be his father. - No shit, right?
I'm sorry, who are you?
I... volunteered for your army, like the others.
Right, I appreciate that. Thanks for joining the cause.
This is the VIP area for the core group.
I just thought it's funny you said that. Because he is Kick-Ass' father.
- Who? - Mr. Lizewski, he's Kick-Ass' dad.
- Shut up! - Yeah.
- You're not telling anyone? - No!
But you, my friend, have just earned lifetime access to my VIP area.
Go take a seat. Alright?
Hey, get the kid a Frappuchino. Let me put his little punk ass back to work.
Okay.
Come on.
Can I help you?
The Motherfucker wants us to take a picture with you.
Helps that my dad is a really good lawyer.
I don't think my beautiful ass would last too long in prison.
That's weird. Chris D'Amico just texted me a picture.
Red Mist? Whatever happened to that guy?
What is it?
Dude, what's wrong?
The next few days passed in a fog.
It didn't matter that I told the police about Chris.
They couldn't find him.
The cops did show up at dad's funeral.
Not out of respect, but because they were scared that something would happen.
My dad was a decent man.
All he ever did was try and give me a good life.
And I told him no one would notice when he was gone.
I love you, pal.
I love you too, Dad.
You guys came.
We would love to help you track down this Chris D'Amico d-bag, but,
we just got out on parole.
No, it's fine. I'm not looking for revenge.
The last thing I promised my dad, was that I was gonna give this up.
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
But you started this.
And now I'm ending it.
Dave, I'm so sorry.
Do you hate me for not helping?
No, not even a little bit. You were right.
You gave it up.
If I had too, my dad would still be alive.
The only person I blame is myself.
That's him!
Get down!
Mindy!
- Over here! - Dave!
Come on!
Oh my God!
Get him!
Get that car over here.
Mindy!
You're gonna put this on.
I'm not gonna do it.
There's nothing that you can do to hurt me.
You wanna bet?
Game on, cocksuckers.
There's a girl on the roof!
She's still up there!
- I think I got her. - Go check!
Get out there!
Pull over, pukeface.
We know Chris D'Amico's The Motherfucker. Where is he hiding?
Eat a dick!
You're gonna eat yours if you don't start talking.
Go ahead and shoot me, you little bitch.
There's nothing you can do that'll make me talk.
Hold on. I can't do this right now. It's my dad's funeral.
Dave, your father loved you.
Just like my daddy loved me. And I know it hurts.
But maybe... maybe that's the real meaning of being a superhero.
It's taking that pain and turning it into something good.
Something right.
Remember what you told me?
"This is your life. You got to live it."
Now help me find some pliers. I'm gonna make this guy eat his own dick.
Seriously?
- Hello? - Marcus?
Mindy, what's going on? Are you okay?
I'm fine.
We know where TheMotherfucker's hiding.
He recruiting an army of supervillains and making homemade bombs.
Marcus, he wants to burn the city down.
You promised me.
I know you see me as this little girl.
But I'm not, and I never was.
You're right. Daddy did take my childhood away.
But I'm not so sure that was a bad thing.
Marcus, he gave me a gift. A gift that I can't escape no matter how hard I try.
Allow me to spend the next four years of my life trying to figure out who I am.
Because I already know.
I'm Hit-Girl.
Posted the address. You think they'll show?
Chris has an army.
These real-life superdweebs've been waiting their whole lives for a call like this.
- You okay? - What, yeah. No, I'm, I'm fine.
Here, take this.
Last resort really isn't my style.
Dave, this isn't a comic book.
Real people are gonna die tonight. My Daddy was prepared for anything.
Are you?
Yeah.
I am.
They should be back by now.
It's definitely dead. It says on the internet, you're supposed keep it on freshwater.
It is just hungry. We must feed it.
Why are you looking at me?
Oh, we gotta get this shit started!
Oh ho, yeah!
Have I got a show for you, bitches!
Motherfucker!
Alright, party people! We are gonna kill Kick-Ass,
the very first superhero. Together.
We are gonna cut him up into little pieces and feed that shit to MC Shark,
and post it all over YouTube. For reals!
- He's kidding, right? - Motherfucker don't kid.
That's not it. I'm gonna give each
and every one of you, party favor fertilizer bombs.
And we are gonna get our riot on! That's what it means to be evil.
We, my friends, are the real one percent.
And tonight we're gonna fuck this city up, or my name is not...
Chris D'Amico!
That is not my name!
No, you're right.
Your new name's Little Bitch.
Oh, this is perfect.
Are you really that stupid?
There's two of you, and a whole army of us.
Do you really have such a hard-on to die?
No, that's why we brought our friends.
What's the matter, Chris? Shit hit your shorts?
Yeah. And I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face.
You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad.
Your dad?
You blew up my dad with a bazooka!
Are you ready to die, little girl?
I might be, if I have to keep looking at that shit stain you call a face.
Hold him down! I want to see what his guts look like.
That's enough from you boys.
Nicely done, sweetheart.
That all you got?
No, I got my lethal Zero-G device.
Bullshit.
No shit.
Are you okay?
Yeah, thanks. "Ass-kicker".
Nice.
Jesus, you're such a pussy.
What is the point of wearing a mask if you can't do what you want?
I wanted to do good.
No, people want to win the lottery.
People want, to fuck Scarlett Johansson.
You think you can kill me, with little needle?
That's not what it's for.
It's called adrenaline, bitch.
What was that? A cheap shot?
That, was for the colonel.
That's for Night Bitch.
And that's for my dad.
- What the hell are you doing? - Saving your whiny ass.
No, I won't let you foul this. I'd rather die!
What is wrong with you, dude? This is not a comic book, it's real-life!
When you're dead, it's done! There's no sequel.
You made this real. You started it! Now I'm gonna finish it.
I'll be immortal, like an evil Jesus.
Wait!
Dave! I'm so sorry.
The feeling was, indescribable.
Chris D'Amico, dead.
His wanna-be supervillains, defeated.
But did we make the world a better place?
Or did we just finish something that began, when I first put on this mask?
The cops are coming.
They'll take care of the bad guys. We better skedaddle before they get here.
- We did it. - Fuck, yeah.
Hey, language.
You're right. If we're gonna dress like heroes, we should act like heroes.
He'd be proud of you, Dave.
He'd be proud of all of us.
You know we can never do this again, right?
It's over.
One last time.
What do you say, Hit-Girl?
You in?
Why the hell not?
Justice Forever!
Thanks for the ride. I'll see you at school.
I'm leaving New York, Dave.
I can't go home. I can't put Marcus in that position.
Why, he won't arrest you. You've just saved the city.
Yeah, well, I also killed 6 guys with a cop's gun.
Vigilantes don't get a free pass.
You can't go.
- People need you. - They've got you now.
I'm not like you.
You don't have to be a badass to be a superhero, Dave.
You just have to be brave.
What was that?
That was my first kiss.
Be nice or I'll rip your ass out through your mouth.
When Mindy left,
that's when I finally understood where my life was going.
Just like it had to eventually happen.
When real people try to be superheroes,
eventually, it had to end, too.
Superheroes can't exist in the real world for a reason.
It's because the real world, needs real heroes.
And not some punk in a wetsuit playing dress-up.
But a genuine badass...
who can really kick ass.
No! Please.
Don't go!
Is anybody there?
Hello?
Some help, please!
A shark bit my fucking dick off, and I can't get some water?