that happily-ever-afters exist only in the pages
and in the naive minds
And yet, on this bright,
a talking teddy bear is about to marry
Happy endings can
And America doesn't give
Do you,
take this teddy bear to be your lawfully
take th is woman to be your lawfully
Then, by the power
I now pronounce you
Ladies and gentlemen,
Teddy, this is
I'm gonna go fifty shades of bear
Hey, congrats,
Oh. Thank you so much
Hey, this is my new boyfriend,
H e's a gou rmet chef. So he knows how
Rick and I are actually about
Oh, you guys
No, we're just gonna go home and tie
Ha! Fuck you.
Hey, buddy.
Are you still shaking off that hangover from
Oh!
Oh, my God. She's fucking
She's totally begging. Get it.
Look at her.
Oh, yeah.
than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
That's bigger than the average bear
You know what's fucked up? Dude, that's
Oh, shit!
I'm fine. I was thinking
Oh, Johnny,
It's been six months since you guys
I know, I know.
Being back in
I mean, everything seemed like it was
Yeah. Well, you're
Hey, hey!
You guys wanna celebrate with a little
Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam.
if I did drugs
I just did a line with a dude
and I bet you
I'm steppin ' out
Yeah, steppin' out
Can't go wrong
This is the best
I'm starving. What the hell are
I'm cooking your fucking steak.
What do I think
I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think
Look at this, look at this.
What are you buying over there, Tami?
I need clothes for work.
What do you mean? You wear a smock,
Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out
Oh, no, no,
You're just buying weed,
I was talking. I was just talking, just now,
Well, I have to
I never get to
Are you gonna let
You're always
Are you gonna let
It's important to
I am trying to climb
Nobody's in there
Oh, what am l
You're acting like
Like an asshole! That's what
You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put
I am the face
The face of the business?
Jesus Christ! Listen to you!
I should've married Robert DiCicco.
Fine! Fine!
He treated
And he had a dick!
Oh, newsflash! Boston whore has
What the fuck did you
What did you
Jesus!
You wanna call me
Yeah, I wanna
I'll fucking throw shit!
Oh. Wow. There, see!
I'm really fucking scared of you,
Why don't you come down
Yeah, why don't you
and make me come
I am gonna come up there and I'm gonna kick
Yeah, why don't you
Get your ass up here
Shut the fuck up,
Hey, shut up,
Run the fuck back
Get the fuck
People are
Hey, I'm really sorry!
Yeah, she's
Have you guys at least tried
Oh, God, yeah.
_250 and we didn't
$250? Dude,
I mean, doesn't your insurance cover
Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for
but I came back
she was looking
It seems like every
you're two clicks away
See, I'll google
Here. Look, it says,
I don't know, man.
ormymarriageis
Here you go,
We're gonna be
but I'm going to
at my friend's apartment,
Oh, thanks, Allison. But I got an
Well, if you change your mind,
I put my cell number
Oh, my God!
What do you mean, "What?"
Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants
John, you've been saying that for over
about every chick that
You got to get back
No, don't start
Look, I wasted
with the wrong girl
I'm not gonna make that same
Jesus, Johnny, you don't got
You just got to bang her and maybe
It's always good to find new
Yeah, I got
(SIG HS) It's okay. I just wish he wasn't
Yeah. Hey, can I get
with just a splash
Wish I could help you,
Come on, one drink and I promise
that Jay Leno comes in here
Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
There we go.
I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I've been led to understand that Trix are
l... I mean, they say, uh, "Trix are for kids"
And is that
So if I purchase these Trix,
No. No, you.. .
You do u nderstand that I myself
Uh, I was able to
Okay, I'm going to bring these back
Uh, yeah, yeah.
And, uh,
Uh, no, that's.. .
I won't forget what you've done
J Honest to God Joy, I don't know
J I mean how the hell
a broken marriage
Well, I'll tell you one way.
You see them two
Look at them.
Because they got that little baby
they'd just be two
waiting for
Why, you said it twice.
y'al I better have a baby or your marriage is over.
Tami, listen, I just
Will you just listen
Why? So you can give me shit
No! Look, I'm sorry about that,
I was an asshole
Tami, listen.
Okay? And.. .
to fight like we've been doing
I don't know, Teddy. Something's got to change,
Because I can't do this no more.
I know, I know, I know.
See, I think,
it'll teach us how to
You better not be
J I swear to God
I think you'd make
Oh, my God!
I would, like, kick so much ass at mommin'!
So what do you say?
Oh, baby, I love you, too!
Let's make a baby!
Okay, you ready? Oh, shit.
Here it comes. Okay, okay.
Let's all go to cout
We're a bunch of
a whole hallway
You don't know me and
That felt smooth. That felt really smooth.
Hey, so, uh, listen,
I got some big news
Tami-Lynn and I are
Yeah, yeah,
Dude, that's fucking awesome!
Wait, wait, wait. How... How.. .
Well, yeah, that's the thing. We... We, uh.. .
And, um, I'm wondering,
Sam Jones would say
You want Flash Gordon
Yeah, I mean,
Wou Id that be wei rd? Would he be
No, I think
And plus, your baby
Well, that was the logic
All right. I'll shoot
and see if I can
You come with me?
I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey,
Yeah, go ahead.
Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter?
Well, what the hell are you doing looking
What are you talking about, "private shit"?
There are literally
Well, I've been meaning
Jesus Christ. Look at
Clockwise rim job.
, Yeah, wel l sometimes you like seeing
You sick bastard! Look at this!
Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?
There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny!
I'm so glad I'm finally caught.
Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call,
You got to get back out there
because you are spiraling
All right, fine, I will. Just stop looking
The next chick you meet, you are getting back
All right. Now, let's get rid
What do you mean?
No, no, no. That shit can
We got to smash your
No, the circuits could still be reconstructed
We got to bury it
So, uh, basically that's it.
So what do
You'd really be
Well.. .
Oh, look, I did a lot
and my sperm count's
Yeah, I ittle fel la's having his own
No! Gonna need it for protein
Come on, guys. I mean, are we done here?
That Sister, Sister marathon
Can't believe it.
That was really
I know. And after
piece-of-shit movie,
Ah!
Johnny, please, just help me
He's the only guy in the world
is even close to
Ted, it's I nsane. We could get in
But not if nobody
We sneak into his house,
and sneak out with the sperm.
And think how awesome
Would be
All right, I'll help you. But we got to have
Hey! Um, are you,
and your air conditioner's
so I'm supposed to
Uh, okay.
Okay. Um, I just may need
I got to get some parts,
You could just, uh, write that to John and Ted.
And you're not a cheater. I mean, I think your
It's around back.
Take the damn raincoat off.
Piss off! I don't wanna get
Two League MVPs,
guaranteed first
Now let's give him a handjob
Wait, what do you mean,
What are you talking about? You're the one
Yeah, but it's got
It's got to be skin on skin,
No, it doesn't.
Look, I've never done this before.
You do it to yourself.
You're an ad ult with a poster of this guy
You're telling me
Yeah, I want it! You know I want it,
What if he doesn't like the way I'm doing it?
Pull yourself together,
He's gonna love it.
Mr. Brady, we just need
What are you doing here?
TED; Oh, God!
Take your goddamn
Holy shit!
J Come on
Hey, Ted, let me
Why didn't you
Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man? You were the first
But you've just
that I just... You know, I didn't want to put you
And plus,
I didn't think
Just so you know, I'm totally willing
Really? You'd.. .
Ted, you're my best friend.
Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's house
Johnny, thank you!
Hey, thunder buddies
Come on. We got to get out of here
_ll units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive.
Someone's trying to steal
What is that?
What are you doing?
What do you mean
What are you doing
I'm doing this for you. I'm getting ready.
You got your hand on your dick.
I'm trying
so when I get in there
Sitting out here in public,
Where do you think you are? Red Lobster?
What do you think
Forget it.
smoked pot for two
Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right?
I'm sorry, I just don't
I got to feed with
Right this way. I'll show you where to
I know,
Oh, right, yeah, sorry,
I've been out of
I don't talk to pretty girls that often.
Hey, when I'm done here,
Oh. I don't mean this. I meant, like,
Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah. Too bad. You're missing
Um, do I just spit in
a lube or something?
Video? I like Asian
There's lube
All right,
U h, excuse me. Where's your
Down that hallway,
Oh. No way!
Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you guys
It's the intermediary station
No. My friend is, uh, yanking out a sample
, Oh, well that's a good friend.
Yeah, whatever,
N ow, wait. You look fam I I iar. Are you that teddy
See, I was trying
where I'd seen you
So, how did you get into this line of work?
Not especially, but I love
fulfill their dreams
It's amazing
This is where we perform our pre-implantation
We can eliminate
such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy,
The list goes on
Ew. I mean, awesome!
Excuse me, Doctor,
You wanna see it? Huh?
I can see it from here,
Dude, take a closer look.
No, no, no!
You got to take a closer look.
He's beautiful. Come on!
Oh, shit!
Fuck! Dude,
Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod! You were
We got to find something
There's containers over there.
No, no,
You need two of them. You got to scoop
TED; Oh!
Oh, my God!
Hang on. I got to
No!
Look, I'm so sorry! We swear to God,
Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected
Ah, you hear that,
You're covered in
No, make sure you
information on our
This has to be the biggest, most impressive rollout
Hi, Donny.
Now this is
so I want a full
I noticed you always
so I put fresh cakes
You're an important man. You should never
See, most people
I need a full report on all the placement
Contact Bob Jennings
I won't be able to perform
Wait, what?
Tami-Lynn, according to your test results,
Wait, Doc,
I mean, maybe you should check again
Tami-Lynn, because of your history
your ovarian canal
What are you talking about? It looks fine.
Forgive me,
Yeah, but I bet this
You probably see this kind of stuff
When I saw this, I threw up.
Bottom line is,
I don't understand, okay? None of this
It's okay. It's okay, honey. Come on, let's just go.
No, what does
Does it mean we
I don't know.
Well, I have gone
and vetted your
and I'm afraid this
, Well, first of all
of Tami-Lynn's
Hey, I did
Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.
and, honestly, it's the more
I was reluctant to
Ted, in the eyes of the state,
The state official
that technically, you are
Not according to
You know what, Teddy?
What do you mean,
made it sound like your status had gone under
Your adoption request may have raised
if they choose to
it may leave you
Hey. I just got off work
Is that for real? Did they actually
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
What does that even mean?
What, like garbage
J I mean maybe more like a hammer
What the hell
They can't change your whole life just by
Bullshit!
One minute, you in Africa,
in the river,
J Then all of a sudden
1 across the world
Wow! You make
Why the hell is this
I don't have a driver's license,
I mean, hell, this is
Ted, can I see you
but I'm gonna have to let you go.
What? Why? I've been busting my ass at this job
I just got a call from
I can't legally keep you on as an employee
because I've been informed that you're technically.. .
Technically not a person.
I'm sorry. But as of today, you're fired.
"Dear Ted,
"has been terminated due to
"Dear Ted, your Discover card
"Dear Ted, you are no longer
It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be
I don't understand. We would have made
"the state of Massachusetts
"that due to an oversight
"you r marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty
"and, therefore, invalid
You fucking
I mean, Tami's
You know, I never would even have
if I had known it was gonna cause me
This whole thing is
I mean, if you ask me,
What do you mean?
Hell yeah!
We'll get a lawyer
the fucking government
Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of them
who gets shot in the head, then turns all retarded
Yes. You know what, we get out there
We take that shit all the way up to Judge Judy
But we don't know any lawyers. All our
Oh, we just google "Boston lawyers." Ah.
Jesus. Look at
This is a very complicated case
Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some
Well, everybody says
Listen, your case is
What is your
Uh, all of our holdings are tied up
Yeah, Read I ng Rai I road, B&O Railroad
We're working on Short Line. Um, I own Atlantic
And I own four houses
I was thinking about just tearing them down
I won second prize in a beauty contest.
Are you guys just
Tell you what, I'm gonna go
and I'll be back
I'll tell you
My niece recently
and I've hired her on as a junior associate
I could assign her to
And then you would get
and I would get a more
Yeah, sure,
Um, are those hard candies,
Uh, those aren't
this is my buddy, John.
Um, my uncle says that you guys
but do you mind if
Well, you know, I just don't want
frozen songs during
It's just this is
Ted has already lost his job, his marriage
I know. My uncle
Right. You see, the thing is, we don't
because the stakes
We can't just
We got to make sure we're making
We really
but I think what
just take a seat
Yeah, we really feel like
You don't mind the pot,
Oh, absolutely, me, too.
I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot
Good to meet you. John.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my God! So you're Sam L. Jackson!
That's fucking great!
You ever seen any movie ever?
It reminds me of
last summer called
Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called
"How Long Has
No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called
You know, I'm surprised a lawyer
I mean, aren't you
the War on Drugs
Please, the War on Drugs
It's just a way
to inflate law
and lock up minorities
And you, my friend,
They've denied you the same rights
just because
and I say that's a violation
So what do you say?
I'm having some trouble
I'm having a really
Johnny, it's okay,
You're doing fine. You're doing great.
No, I'm scared. All right.
, I know. Come on it's okay, though.
You just have to
How far away
Hey, it's okay. One foot in front
All right, I got Dred Scott v. Sandford
and Brown v.
I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator,
I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp,
and The Importance of Being Earnest,
Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few test questions.
J You're on the stand
"Ted, do you consider yourself
Objection!
Overruled!
Guilty!
Hearsay! Briefcase!
In my chambers!
I rest. We could totally
Oh, my God! I'm gonna
You're going to learn
That's just like me. That's exactly what
Well, it's
You know, Ted, if you Iegally become a person,
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Mr. T's character
You've never seen Rocky?
I'm not gonna remember
j ust because you're singing a song
You don't know Samuel L. Jackson
You are literally
My pop culture references are Hamlet,
No, but I'm pretty sure
Yeah, Sam, you really
Oh, really? Um, can either of you tell me who wrote
Judy Blume?
Why are you saying,
You just said "Eff
What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
H is name's "Fuck
, Well, then what's the "F"
No. It's got to be "Fuck."
It's got to be "Fuck."
Why the hell
Well, because otherwise,
Yeah, he's hiding
Come on, read between the lines, Sam.
That's completely
Yeah, wel I, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang.
Um, one of the janitors
Fresh cakes!
Well, Donny, I'm extremely busy with the Comic Con
I'm told that you have an open-door policy
for new toy ideas
Yeah, I suppose
Thank you. Thank you.
I can make this company
a little boy named
that his teddy bear
Somehow, one of
Yes, I'm aware
Well, Ted is suing
if he loses, the state
a non-entity with
That means
we could take him back, with only a trivial degree
And why would
Sir, if we could cut him open to see
we could manufacture millions of Teds for
Hasbro would double
We just have to make sure
You use every back channel,
and you get the best Iawyer in the world
When Ted's rights
No one's going to kick up a legal fuss
You're a hell of a lot smarter than
Now, what exactly
Mr. Jessup, I'm not interested
I just want a Ted
All right. I think I can
But let's make
We never had
Goldner and the board cannot know about this
That was such
I've never had Pringles on
It's the least I can do with all you're doing
Oh, I haven't done
Well, you know, we wanted to take
but, uh, all we got is Tami's income these days
Things are getting
Yeah, I've had to do
BJs here! Get your BJs!
Toothless and ready to go.
Hey, listen,
U h, Tami, what do you say you and me
and give Sam and Diane here
Hey, you go pull
What do you think
Oh, it's nothing. That's his way of saying
We should probably focus our attention
You know, I am a little bit curious. How is it that a guy
Well, I was married at one point,
No. I mean, we'd make it work
but she was always
I really tried everything I could to be the man
One day I woke up and I just realized
You know, as much as I love this person, we're completely
At least you
Some people go through
trying to make it work
So, we're gonna
Hey, Johnny, come on. It's almost 7: OO. We got to get up there.
Hey, Sam,
On Tuesday nights, we get fucked up
How's your workout?
Eat my pussy!
Jesus, what the hell
It's everybody
You sons of bitches! What the fuck is your.. .
That's the lottery!
That's what you get
I don't care what any fucking piece of paper says.
J And I swear to God
I'm gonna
Wait a minute.
But they patted us down on the way in here.
Who's that buttnut
That is why we've been working so hard.
It's our bad luck
He's never lost
Mr. Wild, your opening statement,
I would first like to thank the ladies and gentlemen
for taking time out
to be a part of
Now, the case we'll be examining today
You know, it really is a very special,
It's a gift from God bestowed upon
But if we suddenly decide
Does your dog
Suddenly, being human doesn't seem so special
I'm confident you'll make
Thank you, Mr. Wild,
I got to be honest
I'm a little nervous.
Wel I, not because I'm a junior attorney
And not because
at the fact that
No, I'm... I'm nervous because
l' m nervous that you're going
by smooth talk
and forget about the most important
A hundred
a slave by the name
sued to prove that he was a person and
And as history has shown us,
In every
we are only able to recognize
And when the next conflict
we're once agai n blind to it
"Well, this is different,"
It is the same beast, just wearing
and it's happening
So I urge you, Iadies and gentlemen
not to be a footnote
Don't wait too long
Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently
why did you not choose to have
Because Teddy
And, uh, why does Ted not possess a, uh,
N o, asshole, he ain't got a dick
Yeah! How's your tongue taste in your own ass,
Yeah! How'd you.. .
how would you categorize
So you don't see him
No, he's not my property.
He's way more of a person
1 I mean
What the fuck is that?
weird soccer-mom-looking
Your Honor?
when and where did
Oh, what do you mean? My parents got him
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that.
Child World toy store.
There's no need for hostility,
I saw you eating lunch alone!
Your Honor?
I hope your kids
Now, you said your
as one might purchase a baseball glove
You know what?
This court is
that I'm not as good
and this is exactly what you've been
Sorry, sorry.
This is exactly
to the homos,
1 Ms. Jackson
or I'll hold both of you
I'm standing up for me and I'm standing up
Your Honor, I'd like to call
Objection. She's not his wife.
I love my wife. Okay?
More than anything
We're married. I don't care
So you're saying you are capable
Hey, it must be weird
having a doll up here
with no kid pointing to where his uncle
Yeah, I am capable.
Ted, do you believe
A-ha! What it is, man!
Ted. Right, right.
Look, I'm not
I don't know exactly what
And I don't think I ought to be treated
Aware of his
you were an employee at Hasbro from 1976
Yes, I supervised the stuffing of
And what is that
A synthetic
ls there anything else
The bear products are affixed with an electronic
which can be programmed to say any one
would you please
J Please follow the instruction
Also in the news,
is beginning to get
for its civil
Ted, the bear,
came to life back in the mid-'80s
is suing to prove
Okay, so what are we even talking about here?
What we're talking about is a civil rights issue. This bear has rights.
Oh, come ont He does nott He's a toy.
Then why are you calling it a "he"?
Look, we call the Statue of Liberty "she,"
but we all know it's an object made of copper and steel.
Oh, good point.
Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient. He is. Mmm-hmm.
Now, come ont
Are any of you gonna sit there and tell me
that this stuffed doll is a person?
No. Not at all.
We all agree all the tíme.
I don't think he should want to be
After all, you know,
sleeping and cuddling
That's cute when
When you're a person,
Ted, do you have anything to say
I'm sory, Your Honor.
And live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
What is taking
Oh, is it bad that
It's not good or bad.
that they're probably
Johnny, it may be time
I mean saying his
Betelgeuse.
You fucking crazy?
that guy running
No, Johnny,
He'll help us.
You are meddling with powers
Mr. Willer, has the jury
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
U m, in the case of Ted v. The Commonwealth
we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth
The plaintiff is hereby
The definition entails
and will be recognized
by the Commonwealth
The cou rt wishes to thank the jury
Are you sure
Remember, you're
Hasbro can have
J And when I have him I'll call you
Should we say it
Say it. Just say it.
I don't want to.
This isn't
Why is he being treated differently
It's what
Putting different people
and making them
No, I'm sorry! I thought
The reality is you have
Nobody's blaming you for this.
and l...
Oh, so what are
I mean, we can't take this lying down, right?
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna
He is the top civil rights attorney
Wait. Is he the one who got that female
Yeah, that had a sad ending though,
She was at
and somebody handed her
and...
It was very sad.
You know what? If anyone can get this verdict
but we've become such
I feel like he might take it
Hey, Johnny,
Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan.
I defended Ted Clubber Lang
Hi, Mr. Meighan. Thank you so much
Oh, you've been following
Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling.
if, um, maybe you would consider helping us
Well, yeah. I mean, it would have to be
because we're not really working
But I think you'll be impressed
Oh! Ha-ha!
Yeah, great.
Okay, I'll see you
He said he'll meet with us on Friday
I don't want to jinx it,
Oh, my God! You hear that, Johnny?
I still get a shot!
Oh, my God!
Are you thinking
Let's go down to the improv
So first we need a historical event.
Okay,
All right, let's start
Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real.
All right, we've heard
Let's maybe give somebody else
How about a location?
The offices
Okay, seriously, sir, uh, I just need
Okay, I heard "Starbucks."
All right, Starbucks. Okay, now,
We're giving you
J Come on
All right. We'll be back
You go kick some ass because I am not taking off
I love you too, baby.
If you wanna sit
Just fuck your own brother
Oh, why can't you
Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel bag that says "Arizona State"?
Because that's
What, you went
, Oh, man that's why
Hello?
Arizona State. Hey, how many times you been fucked on a houseboat?
Did you write
on the collected
J Yeah. Yeah I did. I got
So do you say "Arizona State University"
This is perfect. We're gonna get to
Hey, Sam,
Everybody always says
They're all
No, I love it.
Have some Cookie Crisp. You need
Why do you think
Because you've been staring at it,
Hey, what's the deal here? You guys ever gonna
No, I'm just saying. You look like you're
Where the hel l's my coffee? I've been
I'm so sorry, sir. I forgot.
Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not building rockets.
Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a Cookie Crisp
I used to pitch for the softball team
Oh, yeah? Was your mascot
Oh, my God!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Now, we're assholes.
J I swear to God I'll kick your goddamn ass!
Uh, sir, I apologize
Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies. I'm sowwy.
Well, under the circumstances,
Oh, my God. Now we're even
Go get my Cookie
You guys making
Uh, no, ma'am. We're just
Let's try to keep your boyfriend
We'll just get the check.
John, did you see that? She was totally giving
She was giving you
Some women just
No, you have "Give us the ring,
We got two hours of driving left and
Yeah, we got to be
I'll drive.
Who cares?
every once in a while
I've been kicked around
J I want to feel useful
Twenty minutes
Ah! Ah!
1 Well, Sam it's been 20 minutes.
Hey, listen, Sam,
That barn just
No, no, it's my fault.
I should never
You were wrong to do that.
But that and the trial are the only two things
I can't see shit
We're gonna have to wait till tomorrow
Uh, wait. Are we gonna
Yeah, it'll be fine. We just got to find
You know what this is?
It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and
I've only had it
and it was one of
What the hell is
doing out in
They should've sent
Please tell me that's not the only bong
Yeah, Sam. This puts us in kind of
I mean, we wanna
I don't have any
Is this hilarious? I got it at
It's so stupid.
I don't wanna put a big glass cock
Oh, you think
Johnny, you walked
How about th is? I'm gonna go
and I'm gonna see if I can find a soda can
Yeah, see if you can
Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the South
She gets.. .
You know?
to get stoned with me.
Wow. That's the cornerstone
I agree.
So, you think this Meighan guy
I mean, honestly,
But we're going
Listen, I just really
for all you've done,
I know it's not
There are more important things
I don't know what
that wish you made
And it seems to me that once the law
how soon before
Who gets subiugated
You're really smart,
How come
Dude, have you seen
I'm supposed to date
with a wife-beater
and a shamrock tattoo
I couldn't
but I got to tell you, there's some awesome shit
Take a look at this. I found a cowboy hat
Hey, be careful
No, it's okay.
And my fucking nose
Jeez, I wonder who
Maybe we should find someplace else.
We're in the middle
if we get out of here by dawn, we should
A little bit.
To shine upon me
Till I'm all alone
And found me love
Then you went and
The games that
if all of my nights
You're takin' all the light
And saving it up
J Come on put your legs
Was it just kissing last night?
Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.
Oh, we're gonna
but just stuff it
We don't wanna
Oh, what the fuck?
God dam n it! What the hell's
Oh, I fucking owe you,
What do you mean?
Oh, shut up
Watch it. Jesus! Watch where
It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right of way!
Hey, what the hell you doing walking around dressed
It's Comic Con, you idiot! We're going to
You're the idiots,
would never be
Yeah, you're his boss and you two guys
Yeah, bite me,
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey! Come on.
Yeah, that's two
Yeah, sorry, guys.
Nah, it's okay. I'm sorry you have
Oh, hey, come on.
This Patrick Meighan's
And there is our
Ms. Jackson?
Mr. Meighan,
Thank you so much
Not at all. It's my pleasure.
Oh, this office is
I think I want to sleep on a bed
I don't want to waste
Ted, I've been
And while I'm sympathetic
I'm sorry to say
What?
You want to be human
J That's a hard sell
See, the important
is making a contribution
Assisting in
The drugs, the parties,
Mr. Meighan, we've come
because you said
You could've been
Could've been a leader,
Hey, Ted! Come on!
He doesn't mean that. Please forgive me,
that you've had any positive effect
Well, that's not true. He's had a positive
Would that positive effect
for purchasing
Well, how the fuck do you prepare for
You know why
The precedent it sets would affect
And unfortunately, the public doesn't judge
And you can't appeal
N onetheless, I wish you all the best
And from what
at one point in your career that would've
I'm sorry you're not
Are those Tootsie Rolls
Those aren't
So that's it.
Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man.
I let you guys down
Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam.
And, look, regardless of
you're still the best thing that's happened
That's great! That's fucking great!
I'm glad you guys
What do you mean, "What?"
And you're sitting there
and she's probably
Well, don't yell at us, dude!
Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time
Sam could've won this thing and I wouldn't be
Like garbage or
Hey, we've been fighting right alongside you
And remember,
who's been pushing me
I finally meet someone and you're giving me
Oh, no, you're right.
You're right, it's fine.
I got no job,
But you have fun porking Gollum here,
She's a model.
JOHN; Ted!
I thought that was you.
Hey, what's going on?
I just feel at home among the outcasts.
Well, you know, Rick and l,
Dress up like we're into this shit
Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew.
Uh-huh. All right, well, good luck with
Right on.
God damn it, that underwear
I was such a big fan of yours
Oh, thanks a lot.
Hey, do you think I could take a picture
Great, great!
Uh, okay, why are we
I just don't want you to get mobbed
Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken for an
All right,
It's been some time,
What, you mean since
That wasn't
I have some big plans
I need you to come
He could be anywhere.
We should just
What do you mean? We have to find him
He's a teddy bear on his own in New York,
Johnny, Johnny, it's me.
Ted, where are you? Dude, we've been looking
, I'm at Comic Con but, John, it's Donny!
He's after me.
What the fuck?
What's the matter?
We got to get to
I really love
Especially that song they sing
You just can't
Crazy son of
What are you doing
You better be planning
He just reminds me
You see
Hi. Have any of you guys seen a talking teddy
Shh. They're about to an nounce
Who's Superman?
I'm just kidding. I'm fucking with you.
And if that is
Hasbro will be
of Transformers
We've got a brand-new
that is gonna be.. .
let's take a look at
with all of our
Come on, there's an empty
Yeah, there was
U n CO n SC I O U S n OW,
Jesus! Why did you
I've been following him around
This was the only chance I could get him alone.
Uh, yeah, he had
He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl
so we' re gon na take him back
Hey, guys, be careful out there. Some nerd
Hey, watch that floor.
Man, it's a goddamn party
Hey, I remember
You get a nose job?
Yes, you did,
Hey, we just ran
He got a little wasted, so these two dudes took him
Did you see
Yeah, yeah. Back hallway,
What the fuck? What the fuck's
He really is
You son of a bitch!
Kidnapping only applies to people.
Yeah, so is
What do you say there,
Right there. Death to Ming.
What the hell is
Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right?
But it was a good time for you to vandalize
Look, Donny, Donny!
Think about what
You remem ber? You cut me open, that's it!
I won't be any
We're gonna figure out
and then we're gonna
One for every
One that loves me
Look, Donny,
God, that sounds fucked up.
What if I gave you
your pants while
Ted!
Get away from him,
Ted, you okay, buddy?
Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go. Come on,
You're on your own, Danny. I can't be implicated
Killing him at Fenway Park
You don't deserve him, John.
I've been wanting
Listen, Johnny, I wanna tell you
Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't have brushed
Just listen to me.
All right? I was just hurting
And that, in the eyes of the world
But you know what?
It doesn't matter what the world calls me.
And that's all
if you two want to be together, nothing
Aw, buddy,
J And for what it's worth
As much as anybody
Sam, that means the world coming from someone
Oh, my God. John!
John!
Are you okay?
John, hey.
Jesus Christ, that's the starship Enterprise.. .
Johnny? John, come on,
We need an ambulance
The guy dressed like
All right, two can play this Where's Waldo shit,
Johnny, you got to
Hi. How is he?
I don't know, Ms. Jackson.
Oh, my God, John!
Hello?
Something's wrong. What's going on?
We have a Code Blue in Room 134!
I'm sorry. You three are gonna
What the hell is going on?
The doctors will do
but I need you to go to the
He was stable a minute ago
The monitor says he's in asystole. He's not
Start compressions.
Give him a milligram
You were my thunder buddy
And you gave up your own life
I don't know how
I got you, motherfucker!
Holy shit! Zombie!
You should have seen
Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because I made you
You made me think
Well done, man. High five.
What's going on, is this guy just won the bullshit comedy
You are the fucking greatest, man.
Wait. How was the doctor
They got me out of it with the paddles.
So I talked him into
Hey, Doc, it worked out
No problem.
You asshole!
Do you know how devastated
I put a frowny face
How am I supposed to
You could change your relationship status
You're gonna have to do a lot better than that.
How about, "in a relationship
Well, we'll have
Hey, if you guys
me and Teddy
No, no, honey, honey, they're classy,
I'm happy to see everyone
Mr. Meighan.
Is it all right
Yeah, he saved my ass
You know why?
of you smart-ass Harvard lawyers
And as soon as I'm done
I'd like to take
What?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my gosh! I don't believe it!
Maybe we don't want you now.
No, yeah, we want you.
What made you
Well, when I saw
that he was willing to
Reminded me of why I chose to do
anyone who can inspire that kind of love
The anthropologist and ethicist
argues that the standards for personhood
an ability to understand
We're all in agreement
As for complex emotions
we all saw
of Ted agonizing
Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities
It's right there
And I believe that a just court must,
grant basic human rights
just as
and the Thirteenth Amendment did
So, ladies and gentlemen
Well, Johnny, this is the second time
Hey, you were
Ted!
This is quite a victory
ls there any statement
now that
_nd so
Ted and Tami-Lynn
7 an d soon afterward they adopted a fine,
Johnny,
Oh, Teddy,
Oh! And we got something for him, too.
Hey, you know, maybe someday,
and you guys can do
Oh! It smells like somebody's got
Teddy, it's your turn
T___. Oht fuck me!
T___. That can't be normal.
He's not sick,
Yeah, that's what
T_Q_. Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
T___. All right. Here, catch.
Oh, Teddy,
Holy shit!
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