1 00:02:51,220 --> 00:02:54,622 Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Rusty Griswold. 2 00:02:54,780 --> 00:02:58,387 Hope you've enjoyed your 18-minute flight from South Bend. 3 00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:01,862 We'll be touching down at Chicago's Midway very shortly. 4 00:03:02,020 --> 00:03:04,421 We'd like to thank you for flying with us today... 5 00:03:04,580 --> 00:03:08,346 because at Econo Air, we're working hard to win back your trust. 6 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:12,541 - Harry, you mind taking over while I hit the lav? - Sure thing, Rusty. 7 00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:14,111 Thank you very much. 8 00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:18,550 - Oh, and Rusty. - Mm-hm. 9 00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:22,944 I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week. 10 00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:24,340 I was happy to do it. 11 00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:27,822 You know, just because corporate says you're too old to fly doesn't make it true. 12 00:03:27,980 --> 00:03:30,062 You're more qualified than us younger guys. 13 00:03:30,220 --> 00:03:32,461 - Means a lot to me. - Sure thing. 14 00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:34,220 - Oh, and Rusty. - Mm-hm. 15 00:03:34,420 --> 00:03:39,062 I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week. 16 00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:40,625 Yeah. 17 00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:43,390 You bet. 18 00:03:44,380 --> 00:03:46,781 Dad, is that the pilot? 19 00:03:46,940 --> 00:03:48,066 It sure is. 20 00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:50,666 - He just came from the cockpit. - Whoa. 21 00:03:54,420 --> 00:03:56,024 - Hey there, little guy. - Hi. 22 00:03:56,180 --> 00:03:57,909 Is this your first time on a plane? 23 00:03:58,060 --> 00:03:59,425 We were planning on driving... 24 00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:02,823 but, uh, Tyler here has been begging us to go on his first airplane. 25 00:04:02,980 --> 00:04:04,106 - Oh, is that right? - Uh-huh. 26 00:04:04,260 --> 00:04:06,991 Do you think I can be a pilot when I grow up? 27 00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:08,983 Heh. Yeah, well, I don't see why not. 28 00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:13,201 You just have to study hard and listen to your parents, all right? 29 00:04:15,900 --> 00:04:17,470 - Okay, heh. - Sorry about that. 30 00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:19,429 - Little bit of rough air. - It's okay. 31 00:04:19,580 --> 00:04:20,661 Yeah, yeah. 32 00:04:20,820 --> 00:04:22,345 Don't worry about it, heh. 33 00:04:23,340 --> 00:04:25,547 Hey, we call that "turbulence," all right? 34 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:27,225 That's when the plane passes... 35 00:04:33,780 --> 00:04:35,111 So sorry. 36 00:04:35,260 --> 00:04:37,786 Okay, you folks enjoy the rest of your flight. 37 00:04:42,420 --> 00:04:43,467 Let me give you a hand. 38 00:04:43,620 --> 00:04:46,863 Can you please stay the fuck away from us? 39 00:04:50,940 --> 00:04:54,228 Harry, you took us up to 60,000 feet. What are you doing? 40 00:04:54,380 --> 00:04:55,461 Oh, Rusty. 41 00:04:55,620 --> 00:04:59,420 I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week. 42 00:05:13,260 --> 00:05:16,981 Or the time that Pan Continental put us up at the Ritz in Barcelona. 43 00:05:17,140 --> 00:05:19,871 You know, I'll tell you one thing about the Spanish women: 44 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,421 - They, uh, love them some airline pilots. - Heh. They do. 45 00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:25,901 I never took the uniform off, except when I did. 46 00:05:36,580 --> 00:05:37,706 Ladies. 47 00:05:42,460 --> 00:05:44,508 All full. You have to wait for the next one. 48 00:05:44,660 --> 00:05:46,230 - But I was... - You were what? 49 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:49,865 I'll catch the next one. 50 00:05:50,020 --> 00:05:52,102 See you around, Econo Air. 51 00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:10,670 - The third time this month. - I know. 52 00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:13,107 Do something about him. He's always picking on me. 53 00:06:13,260 --> 00:06:16,264 I know he is. I'm so sorry, honey. Hey. 54 00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,588 - Hi. What's going on here? - You'll see. 55 00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:20,947 Kevin, get down here, please. 56 00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:24,024 - Look what he did to my guitar. - Aw. Again? 57 00:06:24,180 --> 00:06:26,547 God. You told Mom and Dad? 58 00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:28,065 You have such a vagina. 59 00:06:28,260 --> 00:06:30,069 Okay, enough, enough. Now, young man... 60 00:06:30,260 --> 00:06:32,740 we talked about the bullying of your older brother. 61 00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:36,427 That's right. We don't make fun of someone just because they're different. 62 00:06:36,780 --> 00:06:39,386 - I don't have a vagina. - I'm just saying, if you did... 63 00:06:39,540 --> 00:06:42,544 it wouldn't be okay for Kevin to tease you about your vagina. 64 00:06:42,700 --> 00:06:45,021 Why are you making it sound like I have a vagina? 65 00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:47,911 I know you don't have a vagina. I'm not doing that. 66 00:06:48,060 --> 00:06:51,746 - Kevin, apologize to your brother, please. - Fine. I'm sorry. 67 00:06:51,900 --> 00:06:52,981 Now go to your room. 68 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,626 Ah. I was in my fucking room. 69 00:06:55,780 --> 00:06:58,943 - Whoa, hey, Kevin? Get back down here. - Ah. 70 00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:01,667 Now listen. 71 00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:05,027 There are a lot of boys who are born with vaginas. 72 00:07:05,180 --> 00:07:06,466 It's very hard for them. 73 00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:09,624 - Honey. Why? - It's a teachable moment, hon. 74 00:07:09,780 --> 00:07:12,624 Gender fluidity, right? It's a very serious issue. 75 00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:15,306 - I'm not gender-fluid. - It doesn't matter if you are. 76 00:07:15,460 --> 00:07:17,781 The point is your mom and I would love you... 77 00:07:17,940 --> 00:07:20,147 even if you were completely blank down there. 78 00:07:20,300 --> 00:07:22,223 Okay, this is not the point. 79 00:07:22,380 --> 00:07:23,791 Kevin, just go to your room. 80 00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:28,340 Hey, James, don't get your gender fluid on me. 81 00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:30,264 - Awesome. - Stop. It's not a fluid. 82 00:07:30,420 --> 00:07:32,070 And what about my guitar? 83 00:07:32,220 --> 00:07:33,710 It's ruined. 84 00:07:34,140 --> 00:07:35,505 Let me have a look. 85 00:07:44,020 --> 00:07:45,590 There you go. That'll do for now. 86 00:07:45,740 --> 00:07:48,505 Now get washed up. The Petersons are coming over for dinner. 87 00:07:49,540 --> 00:07:50,621 Okay, baby. 88 00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:55,623 Oh, gosh. I'll get you a new guitar, okay? 89 00:07:55,780 --> 00:07:58,943 - Oh, use the Vitamix. The dry bit. - Just grind it. Yeah. 90 00:08:00,420 --> 00:08:01,706 Sheila. 91 00:08:02,420 --> 00:08:04,582 - So do you have to work tomorrow? - So, um, Sheila. 92 00:08:04,740 --> 00:08:07,550 - I want to go to the movies with my friends. - Sheila. 93 00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:10,306 - What? - Do you like school this year? 94 00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:11,507 It's okay. 95 00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:14,021 "So do you like school this year?" 96 00:08:14,180 --> 00:08:16,911 That's seriously what you sound like. Just shut up. 97 00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:22,502 God, I'm telling you, Russ, you've gotta get one of these go-kart kits. 98 00:08:22,660 --> 00:08:23,707 - What? - Oh, yeah. 99 00:08:23,860 --> 00:08:26,386 Gary and I spent the last two months building this. 100 00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:29,710 We took her out this morning for the first time. 101 00:08:29,860 --> 00:08:31,828 Holy moly. 102 00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:36,940 - Fun? - No, no, it was terrible. Yeah, it was fun. 103 00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:38,585 Hot damn, it's a go-kart. 104 00:08:39,140 --> 00:08:40,949 G-man, get over here. 105 00:08:41,140 --> 00:08:43,142 - G-man, G-man, G-man. - Uh-oh. 106 00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,382 Oh, my God, my G-man. I love him. 107 00:08:45,820 --> 00:08:47,390 Get in there. What? 108 00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:50,763 What? What? Get in there. Get in there. 109 00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:55,106 Oh, man. I love you so much. 110 00:08:55,580 --> 00:08:58,186 Tell Mr. Griswold how dope our go-kart is. 111 00:08:58,340 --> 00:09:02,345 It's got a Zanardi chassis and a four-stroke Briggs & Stratton engine. 112 00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:05,703 - Wow, and you guys built this together? - We worked on it every day... 113 00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:09,228 after homework and toothbrushing. I love... Get over here, man. 114 00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,462 Work it, Sugar Ray. Come on, Sugar Ray. 115 00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,509 He's working me over. 116 00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:17,470 I'm gonna eat your face! 117 00:09:17,620 --> 00:09:18,985 Kevin, James, get over here. 118 00:09:19,180 --> 00:09:20,227 No. 119 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,745 Come on, heh. Oh, there you are. 120 00:09:25,820 --> 00:09:28,664 - Dad, stop. What are you doing? - Come on, man, we're sparring. 121 00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:31,591 - We do this all the time. - No. We never do this. 122 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:35,182 - Hey, don't hit your old man. - I don't wanna be a part of this. 123 00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,625 What are you doing? 124 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,703 - This is how accidents happen. - Sacrifice! 125 00:09:41,860 --> 00:09:44,750 Dad, let go of me. Stop. Why did you do that? 126 00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:48,861 I'm sorry, man. Come on. I was just fooling around. 127 00:09:49,020 --> 00:09:50,749 - That wasn't fun. - Like we always do. 128 00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:52,311 We never do that. 129 00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:55,304 Hey, what do you say you and I build a go-kart together? 130 00:09:55,980 --> 00:09:57,186 If we have to. 131 00:09:57,340 --> 00:09:59,866 Yeah, all right, G-man, heh! 132 00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:02,261 Get out of here. Get out of here, G-man. 133 00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:06,427 Did you just steal my son's nickname? 134 00:10:12,060 --> 00:10:14,427 I'm not sure about... Oh, shoot. Dang it. 135 00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:18,062 Wow, your ring is getting loose, there, Deb. Are you losing weight? 136 00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:20,302 Yeah. I am. You know what I've been doing? 137 00:10:20,460 --> 00:10:21,507 Spinning. 138 00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:24,067 Yeah, it's a great stress reliever. 139 00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:26,905 I'm gonna tell you what's an even greater stress reliever. 140 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,869 And that is a week in Paris. 141 00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:31,466 Oh, my gosh! I saw that on Instagram. 142 00:10:31,620 --> 00:10:33,110 All your pictures were so great. 143 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,540 - So you did see them. - Yeah. 144 00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,988 Funny, because I was gonna ask how come you didn't like any of them. 145 00:10:38,140 --> 00:10:39,824 What do you mean? I just said I did. 146 00:10:39,980 --> 00:10:42,950 All my other friends, uh, who saw my Paris pics, they clicked "like." 147 00:10:43,140 --> 00:10:45,905 You were the only one who didn't click "like." 148 00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:49,866 Oh. I guess I just didn't get around to actually clicking "like" on them. 149 00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:52,745 Okay, because look at this one. Now, in this one we have... 150 00:10:52,940 --> 00:10:55,147 - Sheila and Gary wearing berets. - I know. 151 00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:58,031 - Right? - Heh. I like that one so much. It's so cute. 152 00:10:58,180 --> 00:11:00,228 - But you didn't "like" it. - Okay. 153 00:11:00,380 --> 00:11:02,542 Here are the four of us at the Arc de Triomphe. 154 00:11:02,740 --> 00:11:06,540 Didn't "like" that. Didn't "like" my children. Didn't "like" my man kissing on me. 155 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:10,307 I promise you the second you guys leave I am gonna go upstairs online... 156 00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:13,185 and I am gonna click "like" on every single one of them. 157 00:11:13,380 --> 00:11:17,590 Honestly, honey, it really makes no difference to me. 158 00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:21,670 So are you guys going anywhere special this summer? 159 00:11:21,820 --> 00:11:23,822 No. I wish. Yeah. No. 160 00:11:23,980 --> 00:11:28,781 We are renting the same cabin that we've been renting for 10 years in Cheboygan, Michigan. 161 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:31,381 The boys call it "Che-boring," Michigan. 162 00:11:32,140 --> 00:11:34,950 - Isn't that funny? - Why don't you just go someplace else? 163 00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:39,469 No, we can't. Rusty loves it so much. I'd break his heart if I told him we hate the cabin. 164 00:11:39,620 --> 00:11:42,191 - Oh, boy. I understand. - Yeah. 165 00:11:42,780 --> 00:11:45,829 I understand. Well, you know what the good news is? 166 00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:47,101 Hmm? 167 00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:51,191 Honestly, even if you go there and you don't have a great time, baby... 168 00:11:51,340 --> 00:11:54,742 at least you know that I will click "like" on all your photos. 169 00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:56,504 Jesus Christ, Nancy. 170 00:11:56,820 --> 00:11:57,867 Look! 171 00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,506 Look! 172 00:11:59,860 --> 00:12:02,340 What the fuck is this? 173 00:12:02,820 --> 00:12:03,867 Louie! 174 00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:17,029 What the fuck is this? Hey, madam. 175 00:12:17,180 --> 00:12:20,821 How much capellini are you throwing away? 176 00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:25,190 What are you doing, Melinda? What are you doing? 177 00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,105 Guys, I have exciting news. 178 00:13:02,340 --> 00:13:03,387 James has AIDS? 179 00:13:03,540 --> 00:13:05,508 What? No. That's horrible. 180 00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:07,862 - I'd be excited. - Well, what is it? What is it? 181 00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:10,785 - The four of us are gonna take a little trip. - Paris. 182 00:13:10,940 --> 00:13:12,942 Hmm. No, much better. 183 00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:16,229 We're driving to Walley World. 184 00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,502 - What? - This family's in a rut. 185 00:13:18,660 --> 00:13:21,504 We gotta shake things up, right? Spend a little quality time. 186 00:13:21,660 --> 00:13:24,789 It wouldn't hurt for the boys to learn to get along a little better. 187 00:13:24,940 --> 00:13:27,341 - Uh, by locking them in a car together? - Yeah. 188 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,946 - This is some bullshit right here! - Hey, language. 189 00:13:30,140 --> 00:13:33,144 Well, it is. I'm gonna miss the first week of wrestling practice. 190 00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:35,382 We'll find a wrestling range along the way, heh. 191 00:13:35,540 --> 00:13:36,951 That's not even a thing. 192 00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:40,263 And, Dad, no offense, I just don't wanna do my first big road trip... 193 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,343 to some corporate theme park, you know? 194 00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:48,189 I'd like to explore the real America, like Jack Kerouac or the Merry Pranksters. 195 00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:50,502 - Don't say weird shit! - Ah. Ow! 196 00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:52,304 Kevin, bullying! Guys, come on. 197 00:13:52,460 --> 00:13:55,703 My trip to Walley World when I was a kid was the best time I ever had. 198 00:13:55,860 --> 00:13:59,910 So you just wanna redo your vacation from 30 years ago? 199 00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:02,381 Don't you think that's gonna be kind of a letdown? 200 00:14:02,540 --> 00:14:05,942 No, no, no. We're not redoing anything. This will be completely different. 201 00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:10,424 For one thing, the original vacation had a boy and a girl. This one has two boys. 202 00:14:10,580 --> 00:14:14,346 And I'm sure that there will be lots of other differences. 203 00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:17,504 - I've never even heard of the original vacation. - Doesn't matter. 204 00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:20,664 The new vacation will stand on its own, okay? 205 00:14:21,020 --> 00:14:22,067 Come on, honey. 206 00:14:22,220 --> 00:14:24,382 What do you say? We can drive out and fly back. 207 00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:27,229 Oh, what the heck, heh. 208 00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:29,906 Couldn't be as bad as that stupid cabin, right, honey? 209 00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:31,471 - That's the spirit. - All right. 210 00:14:31,660 --> 00:14:33,264 Ugh. Fuck me. 211 00:14:33,420 --> 00:14:35,787 Are we gonna drive all that way in your little car? 212 00:14:36,580 --> 00:14:37,945 Not exactly. 213 00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:53,343 Come on, guys, heh. How come you didn't follow me just then? 214 00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:57,186 - Oh, you wanted us to? - Yeah, that's why I dangled the key like that. 215 00:14:57,340 --> 00:14:58,990 - Oh, well... - Why else would I...? 216 00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:00,983 You could've just said, "Come with me." 217 00:15:02,380 --> 00:15:04,109 Look what your dad rented. 218 00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:06,260 What the hell is that? 219 00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:07,467 Kevin. 220 00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:11,342 - That's a 2015 Tartan Prancer. - Did you say "Tartan," honey? 221 00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:13,389 Yeah. Tartan's the Honda of Albania. 222 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,309 Why'd you get an Albanian car, Dad? 223 00:15:15,460 --> 00:15:17,667 Renting a family car on Memorial Day weekend... 224 00:15:17,820 --> 00:15:21,745 doesn't leave you with a lot of options. But this baby is pretty sweet. 225 00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:25,461 It's got all the latest Albanian technology. Check it out. Plug-in hybrid. 226 00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,509 Oh, wow, eco-friendly. Good. 227 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:32,621 So any time we run out of juice, we can just pull right over, and plug in. 228 00:15:32,780 --> 00:15:34,669 I don't know what that is. 229 00:15:34,820 --> 00:15:36,868 Never seen an outlet for that, heh. 230 00:15:37,060 --> 00:15:38,346 Should it retract, or...? 231 00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:41,185 You would think it would retract. It just... 232 00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:42,751 No, it doesn't. 233 00:15:42,940 --> 00:15:44,271 Cupholder? 234 00:15:44,420 --> 00:15:48,266 I think you coil it. You just coil it like that. Right? Then you close it right up. 235 00:15:48,420 --> 00:15:50,343 Doesn't matter. Still got two gas tanks. 236 00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:52,867 - Why two? - Carry twice as much gas. 237 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:56,581 - Why not just have one big tank? - It's twice the gas, buddy. 238 00:15:56,740 --> 00:15:58,583 Actually the same volume. Two small... 239 00:15:59,900 --> 00:16:01,390 It has six ashtrays. 240 00:16:01,580 --> 00:16:02,786 Six, wow. 241 00:16:02,940 --> 00:16:04,783 Hope you guys like smoking. 242 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,424 - Right? - Yeah. 243 00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:09,469 What's with all the mirrors? 244 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,267 Safer. 245 00:16:12,820 --> 00:16:14,151 But... 246 00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:17,941 Oh. And this is amazing. I can control the entire car from the fob. 247 00:16:18,140 --> 00:16:21,144 - What do all the buttons mean? - No clue. But we'll figure it out. 248 00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:23,541 Honey, is that a swastika on there? 249 00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:25,748 Yeah. We won't use that. 250 00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:27,546 This is my favorite part. 251 00:16:30,420 --> 00:16:32,184 - Slam the door on my arm. - Heh. What? 252 00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:35,867 It has a sensor. It won't let you slam the door on your arm or leg. 253 00:16:36,020 --> 00:16:38,830 - I'm not doing that. - The rental guy showed me. Just do it. 254 00:16:38,980 --> 00:16:40,345 - Okay. - Do it! 255 00:16:41,740 --> 00:16:43,151 - Do it. - This is kind of fun. 256 00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:44,347 Slam it. 257 00:16:44,540 --> 00:16:45,701 All right. There you go. 258 00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:47,471 - Oh! Oh! - Oh, my God! 259 00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:49,110 - Oh, my gosh! - Goddamn it! 260 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:52,110 Oh, my God! Why did you have me do that? 261 00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:57,423 Oh, I didn't have the sensor activated. 262 00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,311 - Okay. - I'm an idiot. 263 00:16:59,460 --> 00:17:01,542 - Do it again. - No, absolutely not. 264 00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:04,067 - It'll be fine. I just activated it. - I won't do it. 265 00:17:04,220 --> 00:17:05,745 - Don't be chicken. - Fine. 266 00:17:07,740 --> 00:17:09,708 - Shit! - Heh. 267 00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:12,221 - Why did you do that? - Really? 268 00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:13,620 You're right. I'm sorry, heh. 269 00:17:13,820 --> 00:17:17,461 - Ugh! Nobody slam their arm in the door. - Can I slam it on James' balls? 270 00:17:17,660 --> 00:17:20,186 - You admit I have balls? - They hang out of your vagina. 271 00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:22,422 - Stop that. Please. - Plenty of time for that. 272 00:17:22,620 --> 00:17:25,430 - Go get packed. We're hitting the road today. - Okay. 273 00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:28,060 Guess we're leaving today. All right. Let's go, guys. 274 00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,511 Huh. 275 00:17:42,140 --> 00:17:43,630 Hey, honey. What's all that? 276 00:17:43,780 --> 00:17:45,987 Well, uh, this is my dream journal... 277 00:17:46,140 --> 00:17:47,471 whimsy log... 278 00:17:47,620 --> 00:17:48,860 wish diary... 279 00:17:49,020 --> 00:17:50,067 my poems. 280 00:17:50,220 --> 00:17:55,181 And, uh, this bad boy is going to be a stream-of-consciousness travel log, so... 281 00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:56,986 Yeah. 282 00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:01,383 Come on, honey. Every boy that age has a stack of diaries. 283 00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,230 Okay, gang. 284 00:18:03,780 --> 00:18:05,782 Seat belts on. 285 00:18:06,620 --> 00:18:07,826 Two full tanks of gas. 286 00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:09,311 Honey, GPS check? 287 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:10,786 Yes, yes. Roger that. Okay. 288 00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:15,822 Your destination is 2560 miles ahead. 289 00:18:15,980 --> 00:18:18,551 Walley World, here we come. 290 00:18:48,820 --> 00:18:50,310 Well, we're almost out of gas. 291 00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:54,342 What? How is that possible? We've been driving for less than an hour. 292 00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:08,302 Dad, what's so special about Walley World? 293 00:19:08,460 --> 00:19:11,145 I mean, we have plenty of theme parks at home. 294 00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:16,261 Well, Walley World is home of the one and only Velociraptor. 295 00:19:16,420 --> 00:19:18,184 What the hell is that? 296 00:19:18,340 --> 00:19:22,310 It's only the newest, scariest roller coaster in the country. 297 00:19:22,860 --> 00:19:25,625 Four hundred and fifty feet tall, 110 miles an hour... 298 00:19:25,780 --> 00:19:27,942 triple corkscrew loop. 299 00:19:28,540 --> 00:19:30,030 Yeah. Oh, hey, look at this. 300 00:19:30,180 --> 00:19:32,831 Looks like we got ourselves a little old convoy. 301 00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:34,345 Let's say hi. 302 00:19:35,620 --> 00:19:39,386 - Oh, my goodness. It has a CB radio in it? - Yeah, comes standard in all Prancers. 303 00:19:39,540 --> 00:19:41,383 - This way we can talk to truckers. - Okay. 304 00:19:41,540 --> 00:19:44,020 Now, guys, you just have to speak their lingo. 305 00:19:44,220 --> 00:19:46,985 I'm gonna ask him if there's any police up ahead. 306 00:19:47,260 --> 00:19:49,103 Breaker 1-9 to Rubber Ducky. 307 00:19:49,260 --> 00:19:51,786 You got any Smokey the Bears in your kitchen? Over. 308 00:19:53,020 --> 00:19:55,307 You're clean and green for the next 20 klicks. 309 00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:57,064 - Ha-ha. He replied! - I know! 310 00:19:57,220 --> 00:20:00,827 - What did that even mean? - I have no idea, but who cares? 311 00:20:00,980 --> 00:20:03,711 - He seems nice. - He does seem nice, doesn't he? 312 00:20:03,860 --> 00:20:05,703 Copy that, good buddy. Over. 313 00:20:05,860 --> 00:20:08,067 - Can I try, Dad? - Yeah, course. 314 00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:10,029 When you finish talking, say "over." 315 00:20:10,180 --> 00:20:11,830 - Okay. Cool. - Okay. 316 00:20:12,460 --> 00:20:16,067 Breaker 1-9, my friend Jessie says all truck drivers are rapists. 317 00:20:16,220 --> 00:20:17,984 - Are you a rapist? - Kevin, no, no. 318 00:20:18,140 --> 00:20:19,346 Sorry. Over. 319 00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:21,502 - No, no, no. - What are you doing? 320 00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:24,266 - What? It's a question. - Well, you're ruining it. 321 00:20:25,380 --> 00:20:27,587 Sorry about that there, good buddy. 322 00:20:28,220 --> 00:20:31,667 You know how little boys are when their mouths get going, heh. I don't... 323 00:20:31,820 --> 00:20:33,788 Not to imply that you are... 324 00:20:34,540 --> 00:20:38,465 fond of when little boys' mouths get going in any way. 325 00:20:38,660 --> 00:20:41,903 I am not suggesting that you are a sex offender. 326 00:20:42,060 --> 00:20:43,550 - Or a pedophile. - Okay, no. 327 00:20:43,740 --> 00:20:46,266 Yeah, so that's the CB radio, guys. 328 00:20:46,420 --> 00:20:48,104 Neat, huh? 329 00:20:48,260 --> 00:20:51,742 - Hey, Dad, what's a pedophile? - Hmm. Well, Kevin, when a man and a boy... 330 00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:55,188 - love each other very much... - No. No. 331 00:20:57,660 --> 00:20:59,662 - I have to piss. - Me too. 332 00:20:59,820 --> 00:21:01,868 Go with him, please, and keep an eye on him. 333 00:21:02,020 --> 00:21:03,351 - Okay. - Thank you. 334 00:21:05,740 --> 00:21:08,869 Look at that. The boys are bonding already. 335 00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:10,425 Isn't this the best? 336 00:21:10,580 --> 00:21:12,070 Yeah. 337 00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:17,627 Do you remember, back when you were just getting your pilot's license... 338 00:21:17,780 --> 00:21:19,430 and you and I would sit there... 339 00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:24,108 and we'd talk about all those, like, overseas trips we would take and stuff? 340 00:21:24,620 --> 00:21:28,341 Yeah, of course that's when I thought I was gonna fly for one of the big guys. 341 00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:31,424 I know it's not the most glamorous airline, but Econo Air... 342 00:21:31,620 --> 00:21:33,065 it's been pretty good to us. 343 00:21:33,620 --> 00:21:37,909 As far as I'm concerned, right here with you and the boys, this is paradise. 344 00:21:40,580 --> 00:21:43,663 - There was a hole in the side of my stall. - You found a glory hole. 345 00:21:43,820 --> 00:21:46,744 - Russ, no. - All right, let's hit the road. 346 00:22:28,420 --> 00:22:30,468 Go to sleep! Go to sleep! 347 00:22:43,140 --> 00:22:45,142 - What's wrong with you? - I wanted to see... 348 00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:48,144 how long you could hold your breath before you black out. 349 00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:50,746 Don't do that. I could have died. 350 00:22:50,900 --> 00:22:52,265 Whatever. 351 00:22:56,980 --> 00:22:58,982 Goddamn it. Kevin! 352 00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:14,228 Hey, honey, why'd we get off the highway? 353 00:23:14,380 --> 00:23:17,589 Thought it would be fun for the kids to see where you went to college. 354 00:23:17,740 --> 00:23:20,664 Oh, God. Why would that be fun for them, honey? 355 00:23:20,820 --> 00:23:23,790 You could give us a tour. One of them could study there one day. 356 00:23:23,980 --> 00:23:25,982 Oh, no. No way, man. 357 00:23:26,140 --> 00:23:28,984 I've got my sights set on something a little more Ivy League. 358 00:23:29,140 --> 00:23:31,507 Oh. Little fucker. 359 00:23:31,700 --> 00:23:34,226 - What, Ma? - I love you. That's what I said. 360 00:23:34,380 --> 00:23:36,064 - I love you too. - I said, I love you. 361 00:23:36,220 --> 00:23:37,790 Let's just see how far it is. 362 00:23:38,140 --> 00:23:43,021 - You are 9.2 miles from destination. - All right. Check the best route. 363 00:23:44,940 --> 00:23:47,671 Oh, I changed the language. 364 00:23:49,860 --> 00:23:51,191 That's not it, heh. 365 00:23:53,060 --> 00:23:54,266 What is that? 366 00:23:54,740 --> 00:23:59,143 - Uh, I don't know. Korean? - Oh, God, it's horrible. Just please turn it off. 367 00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:02,031 The menu's all in Korean now. I don't know what to press. 368 00:24:02,180 --> 00:24:04,262 Why is it so much angrier than the other voices? 369 00:24:04,420 --> 00:24:05,467 Why don't we just...? 370 00:24:05,620 --> 00:24:08,146 Honey, it doesn't like when you touch it, okay? 371 00:24:08,300 --> 00:24:10,871 Just leave it alone. Let it calm down. 372 00:24:22,900 --> 00:24:25,824 Wow, this place has not changed a bit. 373 00:24:26,380 --> 00:24:28,382 - Isn't that sorority row? - Hmm. 374 00:24:28,540 --> 00:24:30,110 Let's go check out your house. 375 00:24:30,300 --> 00:24:33,429 Oh, no, honey. Don't you think we should get back on the road? 376 00:24:33,580 --> 00:24:35,662 No, come on. It'll be fun. 377 00:24:35,820 --> 00:24:38,061 It's just a boring old house. 378 00:24:57,460 --> 00:24:58,985 Yeah, that's what's up. 379 00:24:59,140 --> 00:25:01,984 I cannot believe that they are still doing this. 380 00:25:03,860 --> 00:25:05,191 What is it? 381 00:25:05,540 --> 00:25:08,191 Uh, it is the Tri-Pi Chug Run. 382 00:25:08,380 --> 00:25:10,542 You have to chug a big pitcher of beer... 383 00:25:10,700 --> 00:25:13,749 and then you have to get through the course as fast as you can. 384 00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:16,301 And you did this? Because you hardly drink. 385 00:25:16,460 --> 00:25:18,861 No, yeah. But, honey, it's for charity, see? 386 00:25:21,740 --> 00:25:24,311 Hi. Would you like to donate to ass burgers? 387 00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:26,264 Oh, no. We're just stopping by. 388 00:25:26,420 --> 00:25:28,582 I was a Tri-Pi a long time ago, so... 389 00:25:29,100 --> 00:25:31,307 In fact, the Chug Run was my idea. 390 00:25:31,460 --> 00:25:33,588 - It was? - Yeah. 391 00:25:33,980 --> 00:25:37,029 - Wait, are you Debbie Fletcher? - Yeah. 392 00:25:37,540 --> 00:25:38,701 Oh, my shit. 393 00:25:38,860 --> 00:25:40,988 Oh, my shit! I can't believe it's you! 394 00:25:41,140 --> 00:25:43,381 Guys, come here! Bring over the book! 395 00:25:43,580 --> 00:25:46,504 - It's Debbie fucking Fletcher. - How do you know who I am? 396 00:25:46,660 --> 00:25:49,630 Oh, my God, are you kidding me? You're like a legend at Tri-Pi. 397 00:25:49,780 --> 00:25:52,545 - You're Debbie Do-Anything! - Debbie Do-Anything? 398 00:25:52,700 --> 00:25:54,748 - Go play. - Yeah, look. 399 00:25:54,900 --> 00:25:57,824 - See? - Oh, God. 400 00:25:57,980 --> 00:26:01,063 - Is it true you climbed the clock tower naked? - Of course not. 401 00:26:01,220 --> 00:26:03,382 Did you really show your tits to anyone who asked? 402 00:26:03,540 --> 00:26:05,622 - Honey, we should go. - Hang on. 403 00:26:05,780 --> 00:26:09,705 - I heard you stuck a finger in the dean's dick. - Did you really burn down Taco Bell? 404 00:26:09,900 --> 00:26:11,504 I heard you fucked Anthony Hopkins. 405 00:26:11,660 --> 00:26:13,947 I heard that, if people bop you on your head... 406 00:26:14,100 --> 00:26:16,023 gold coins come out of your butt. 407 00:26:16,180 --> 00:26:18,023 - Okay, ladies, heh. - What? 408 00:26:18,940 --> 00:26:22,786 I think I know my wife pretty well, and she wouldn't have done any of those things. 409 00:26:22,940 --> 00:26:27,070 But you know what? What's important is not whether I did them or I didn't do them. 410 00:26:27,220 --> 00:26:30,827 What's important is that you guys are idolizing very bad behavior here. 411 00:26:30,980 --> 00:26:33,711 Uh, ew, you don't sound like Debbie Do-Anything. 412 00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:35,430 I had a feeling she was all hype. 413 00:26:35,580 --> 00:26:37,662 Bet she didn't even come up with the Chug Run. 414 00:26:37,820 --> 00:26:39,424 Hey, wait a minute. Excuse me. 415 00:26:39,580 --> 00:26:42,743 I did come up with the Chug Run, all right? 416 00:26:42,900 --> 00:26:43,981 And I ran it. 417 00:26:44,180 --> 00:26:45,466 - Sure you did. - No, I did. 418 00:26:45,620 --> 00:26:47,384 - In 16 seconds, okay? - Okay, hon. 419 00:26:47,980 --> 00:26:50,460 - Prove it. - She can't do it now. She's old. 420 00:26:50,620 --> 00:26:51,701 Excuse me, girl? 421 00:26:51,900 --> 00:26:54,506 I didn't mean it like that. I just mean... you're old. 422 00:26:58,980 --> 00:27:00,141 Oh, yeah. 423 00:27:00,300 --> 00:27:02,871 Never heard that laugh before. I don't like it. 424 00:27:03,020 --> 00:27:04,101 Hold my bag. Uh-uh. 425 00:27:04,260 --> 00:27:07,548 Why? You're not actually going on this thing. 426 00:27:07,700 --> 00:27:11,182 Yes, I am. This Chug Run raised thousands of dollars for charity, all right? 427 00:27:11,380 --> 00:27:15,146 I might not have gotten good grades while I was here, but at least I did something. 428 00:27:15,340 --> 00:27:18,742 It sounds like you did a lot. You stuck your finger in the dean's penis. 429 00:27:18,900 --> 00:27:23,110 It's not important what I stuck my finger in and what I burnt down. What is important... 430 00:27:23,260 --> 00:27:26,230 - is that these bitches are disrespecting me. - "Bitches"? 431 00:27:26,380 --> 00:27:27,586 Bring it on. 432 00:27:29,540 --> 00:27:31,508 No one's calling me old. Fuck you. 433 00:27:31,660 --> 00:27:34,709 All right, boobs, pitcher. Let's go. Come on, come on, come on. 434 00:27:40,620 --> 00:27:42,861 Tri-Pi, motherfuckers! 435 00:27:57,940 --> 00:27:59,624 Oh, Jesus Christ. 436 00:28:08,500 --> 00:28:11,310 Three! Two! One! 437 00:28:17,700 --> 00:28:19,145 Oh, honey. 438 00:28:32,740 --> 00:28:33,980 What's Mom doing? 439 00:28:34,140 --> 00:28:36,871 She's, uh, teaching these bitches a lesson. 440 00:28:48,380 --> 00:28:51,224 This is the best thing I've ever seen. 441 00:28:53,540 --> 00:28:54,701 Go! Go! Go! 442 00:29:00,500 --> 00:29:03,026 Why is she puking so much? 443 00:29:03,460 --> 00:29:05,144 It's for ass burgers. 444 00:29:19,380 --> 00:29:21,667 Tri-Pi, motherfuckers. 445 00:29:34,380 --> 00:29:36,906 Mom, you should try and stay hydrated. 446 00:29:38,380 --> 00:29:40,951 What? What are you doing? 447 00:29:43,140 --> 00:29:44,710 How about some tunes? 448 00:29:47,460 --> 00:29:49,781 Oh, my God. I can't believe it. 449 00:29:49,940 --> 00:29:51,704 I love this song. 450 00:29:51,860 --> 00:29:54,625 Guys, it's Seal. 451 00:29:55,220 --> 00:29:57,063 Heh. Everybody sing it with me. 452 00:29:57,340 --> 00:30:02,551 There used to be a graying tower Alone on the sea 453 00:30:02,700 --> 00:30:03,747 Come on, guys. 454 00:30:03,900 --> 00:30:09,589 You became The light on the dark side of me 455 00:30:09,740 --> 00:30:10,980 Deb? 456 00:30:11,180 --> 00:30:15,629 Love remained A drug that's the high and not... 457 00:30:15,780 --> 00:30:16,827 Guys? No? 458 00:30:17,020 --> 00:30:19,148 Did you know that when it snows 459 00:30:19,300 --> 00:30:20,461 Kevin? James? 460 00:30:20,620 --> 00:30:21,826 My eyes become large 461 00:30:21,980 --> 00:30:23,345 Is this a man or a woman singing? 462 00:30:23,500 --> 00:30:26,151 It's a man. And the coolest man ever. 463 00:30:26,300 --> 00:30:27,790 He overcame lupus. 464 00:30:27,940 --> 00:30:34,266 Baby, I compare you To a kiss from a rose on the gray 465 00:30:34,420 --> 00:30:37,185 I can't believe no one in this family wants to sing. 466 00:30:37,340 --> 00:30:39,502 stranger it feels, yeah. 467 00:30:39,660 --> 00:30:40,900 Batman Forever? 468 00:30:41,060 --> 00:30:43,506 that your rose is in bloom 469 00:30:43,660 --> 00:30:44,786 Val Kilmer. 470 00:30:44,940 --> 00:30:48,422 A light hits the gloom on the gray 471 00:30:53,180 --> 00:30:54,420 He's come back to kill us. 472 00:30:56,620 --> 00:30:58,463 - Gun it, Russ! - Gunning it. 473 00:31:01,940 --> 00:31:03,590 You gotta go faster, Dad! Go faster! 474 00:31:03,740 --> 00:31:06,220 - The Prancer doesn't go any faster! - What do we do? 475 00:31:06,380 --> 00:31:08,189 Maybe if I press this rabbit button... 476 00:31:08,340 --> 00:31:10,786 - ... it'll give it a boost or something. - Yes, try it. 477 00:31:13,980 --> 00:31:16,631 - Why is there a button for that? - And why is it a rabbit? 478 00:31:16,780 --> 00:31:17,861 Okay... 479 00:31:18,020 --> 00:31:19,909 - Uh, rocket. Here you go. Try that. - Yes. 480 00:31:20,580 --> 00:31:21,627 What? What's happening? 481 00:31:21,780 --> 00:31:23,384 - Why am I swiveling? - I don't know! 482 00:31:23,540 --> 00:31:25,030 - Grab the wheel! - It won't stop! 483 00:31:25,180 --> 00:31:28,104 - Hit the gas! Hit the gas! - Okay, I'm trying to hit... 484 00:31:31,420 --> 00:31:33,229 We're gonna die! 485 00:31:36,620 --> 00:31:39,703 - Okay, I got the wheel. I got the wheel. - Okay, okay. 486 00:31:40,460 --> 00:31:41,825 Okay, what are we gonna do? 487 00:31:42,020 --> 00:31:43,909 - I have an idea. - What? 488 00:31:44,260 --> 00:31:45,750 - Handbrake turn. - What? 489 00:31:45,940 --> 00:31:49,911 Pull the wheel left, yank the handbrake, do a 180, cross the median, drive past him. 490 00:31:50,060 --> 00:31:52,666 - You know how, Dad? - If Vin Diesel can do it, so can I. 491 00:31:52,820 --> 00:31:54,982 - Why are you as good as Vin Diesel? - Hang on. 492 00:32:06,700 --> 00:32:08,907 That's not what I was trying to do. 493 00:32:09,060 --> 00:32:11,461 - Everybody okay? - Oh, shit! 494 00:32:21,740 --> 00:32:23,583 - Go, Dad! Go, go! - Oh, my God. 495 00:32:45,540 --> 00:32:47,030 - Oh, shit! - Goddamn it. 496 00:32:55,900 --> 00:32:58,471 All right, boys. This is you. 497 00:32:58,620 --> 00:33:01,146 - I call both beds. - You get one bed. 498 00:33:01,300 --> 00:33:03,507 If you need anything, Mom and I are next door. 499 00:33:03,660 --> 00:33:06,709 Oh, uh, I think I saw a hot tub, Dad. Is it okay if I take a soak? 500 00:33:07,580 --> 00:33:09,184 Yeah. Yeah, sure. 501 00:33:09,340 --> 00:33:11,502 But if anyone tries to shove you in their car... 502 00:33:11,660 --> 00:33:13,788 give them a good scratch like I showed you. 503 00:33:13,940 --> 00:33:14,987 - I will. - All right. 504 00:33:15,140 --> 00:33:16,301 - Attaboy. - Thanks. 505 00:33:18,020 --> 00:33:19,510 So... 506 00:33:19,700 --> 00:33:24,262 how come you never told me about the whole Debbie Do-Anything thing? 507 00:33:24,460 --> 00:33:26,508 Heh. Come on, that was so long ago. 508 00:33:26,660 --> 00:33:29,106 Yeah, but it's part of who you are... 509 00:33:29,260 --> 00:33:30,944 and I wanna know all about you. 510 00:33:31,100 --> 00:33:34,343 All right. Well, that's fair. What do you wanna know? 511 00:33:34,500 --> 00:33:36,502 How many guys did you sleep with before me? 512 00:33:36,660 --> 00:33:38,230 No, no, no. 513 00:33:38,380 --> 00:33:40,109 - No, no, no. - Oh, come on. 514 00:33:40,260 --> 00:33:42,183 Come on. That's not important. 515 00:33:42,340 --> 00:33:44,866 - No, I know. But I'm just... - You really need to know? 516 00:33:45,060 --> 00:33:46,710 - It just... - Oh, okay. 517 00:33:46,900 --> 00:33:48,664 - I'm just curious. - Okay, okay. 518 00:33:49,140 --> 00:33:51,461 Um, let's see. 519 00:33:56,580 --> 00:33:57,661 And then... 520 00:33:58,500 --> 00:34:00,104 Kind of taking you a little while, heh. 521 00:34:00,260 --> 00:34:02,661 Okay, uh, so around... 522 00:34:03,100 --> 00:34:04,340 - Th... - Three. 523 00:34:05,020 --> 00:34:09,184 Three. That's actually reassuring, because, heh, it's the same as me. 524 00:34:09,380 --> 00:34:11,701 No, didn't say three. 525 00:34:12,740 --> 00:34:14,469 Thirteen? Thirteen? 526 00:34:14,620 --> 00:34:16,782 - Nope. - And it's not three? 527 00:34:16,940 --> 00:34:18,180 It's around 30. 528 00:34:18,340 --> 00:34:19,705 Thirty! Phew. 529 00:34:20,140 --> 00:34:21,551 Wow, holy cow. 530 00:34:21,700 --> 00:34:24,465 See, now I feel like you're judging me. 531 00:34:24,620 --> 00:34:25,860 I'm judging me. 532 00:34:26,780 --> 00:34:30,387 - Your number is so much higher than mine. - Yes, it is a big number... 533 00:34:30,540 --> 00:34:33,146 but it doesn't matter. Honey, it doesn't matter. 534 00:34:33,300 --> 00:34:36,065 You're so cool. I feel like a loser. 535 00:34:36,220 --> 00:34:38,700 You are not a loser, okay? 536 00:34:38,860 --> 00:34:42,865 Yeah? Because, uh, I had to work pretty hard just to get those three. 537 00:34:44,020 --> 00:34:47,581 Had to take care of Jenny's grandfather for months before she slept with me. 538 00:34:47,740 --> 00:34:50,425 - And he was racist. - Please, don't base it on me. 539 00:34:50,580 --> 00:34:52,150 I was, like, crazy back then. 540 00:34:52,340 --> 00:34:55,708 I was completely immature and acting out... 541 00:34:55,860 --> 00:34:58,625 and just really, like, free with my body... 542 00:34:58,780 --> 00:35:00,942 and that's just not who I am anymore. 543 00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:02,505 That's not who we are. 544 00:35:02,660 --> 00:35:05,345 Well, we're pretty free with our bodies. 545 00:35:05,500 --> 00:35:06,911 But you have to admit... 546 00:35:07,100 --> 00:35:09,148 I feel like we've gotten... 547 00:35:09,780 --> 00:35:14,263 like, less free with our bodies. 548 00:35:14,420 --> 00:35:16,627 But we have sex every week with our bodies. 549 00:35:16,820 --> 00:35:18,310 We do. But... 550 00:35:18,460 --> 00:35:21,669 I mean, it's gotten a little routine, babe. 551 00:35:21,820 --> 00:35:26,030 You know, you always are lighting that same Yankee Candle and everything. 552 00:35:26,180 --> 00:35:31,186 And I don't know, it might be nice to mix it up a little bit every once in a while. 553 00:35:31,340 --> 00:35:32,501 Okay? No big deal. 554 00:35:32,660 --> 00:35:34,628 I'm gonna go take a shower, okay? 555 00:35:34,780 --> 00:35:36,669 I'm gonna take one with you. 556 00:35:37,740 --> 00:35:40,664 - Hmm? - Uh... We'll have sex in it. 557 00:35:40,820 --> 00:35:42,424 Yeah. In the shower. 558 00:35:43,420 --> 00:35:46,742 How's that for getting free with our bodies, Debbie Do-Anything? 559 00:35:46,900 --> 00:35:48,504 - I like that. - Yeah. 560 00:35:48,660 --> 00:35:50,730 Oh, Russ. 561 00:35:52,500 --> 00:35:54,468 Just be careful not to drop the soap. 562 00:35:54,620 --> 00:35:55,951 Oh, I won't. 563 00:35:58,340 --> 00:35:59,501 What? 564 00:36:00,340 --> 00:36:03,423 - This is fun and different. - I know. It is. 565 00:36:03,740 --> 00:36:06,550 You are so cute when you get excited about stuff. 566 00:36:07,940 --> 00:36:10,147 You're, like, so cute always. 567 00:36:10,300 --> 00:36:12,621 Aw, honey. 568 00:36:14,700 --> 00:36:17,590 Oh, my... Holy shit! Are those mushrooms? 569 00:36:17,740 --> 00:36:18,866 Looks like somebody... 570 00:36:19,020 --> 00:36:20,909 - blew their head off in there. - Oh, God. 571 00:36:21,860 --> 00:36:23,430 So should we, uh...? 572 00:36:23,580 --> 00:36:25,309 Should we get in or...? 573 00:36:26,420 --> 00:36:28,229 No, right, heh? 574 00:36:28,380 --> 00:36:31,987 Yeah. I'm gonna see if there's something to clean that with. 575 00:36:32,140 --> 00:36:34,222 Hmm. Maybe the housekeeping left a... 576 00:36:34,380 --> 00:36:37,224 Oh, well, here's a Brillo Pad. 577 00:36:37,380 --> 00:36:38,791 I'll just... 578 00:36:38,940 --> 00:36:40,430 - Russ. - Yeah. 579 00:36:40,580 --> 00:36:41,866 That's not a Brillo Pad. 580 00:36:42,020 --> 00:36:43,306 It's a ball of pubic hair. 581 00:36:45,940 --> 00:36:47,624 - Oh, my gosh. - There's so much of it. 582 00:36:47,780 --> 00:36:51,023 Who has that much pubic hair? It's not even possible. 583 00:36:51,180 --> 00:36:53,547 No, not one person. That's all different colors. 584 00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:57,582 That's from like 30 different guys. 585 00:36:57,740 --> 00:36:59,424 Oh, shut up, Russ. 586 00:36:59,620 --> 00:37:01,031 No. I'm sorry. 587 00:37:01,180 --> 00:37:04,024 Through the curtains hanging in the window 588 00:37:04,220 --> 00:37:08,225 In the evening on a Friday night 589 00:37:10,100 --> 00:37:12,910 Little light shining through the window 590 00:37:13,100 --> 00:37:18,186 Lets me know everything's gonna be all right 591 00:37:19,380 --> 00:37:23,863 Summer breeze makes me feel fine 592 00:37:24,460 --> 00:37:27,464 Blowing through the jasmine in my mi... 593 00:37:27,660 --> 00:37:28,707 You're pretty good. 594 00:37:30,140 --> 00:37:33,667 Jeez, sorry. 595 00:37:33,820 --> 00:37:36,141 I, uh, heh, didn't mean to scare you. 596 00:37:37,900 --> 00:37:39,629 - Hi. - Hi. 597 00:37:39,780 --> 00:37:43,102 - You were in the Jeep. - And you were in that plastic bag. 598 00:37:43,940 --> 00:37:45,908 That was my stupid brother. 599 00:37:46,060 --> 00:37:47,903 Gotcha. Big brothers suck. 600 00:37:48,060 --> 00:37:49,141 Oh, no. 601 00:37:49,300 --> 00:37:51,621 Yeah, big, heh. 602 00:37:51,780 --> 00:37:52,941 I'm Adena. 603 00:37:53,540 --> 00:37:54,826 James. 604 00:37:55,020 --> 00:37:56,988 - I have a penis. - What? 605 00:37:57,140 --> 00:37:58,665 It's on your guitar. 606 00:38:00,100 --> 00:38:02,182 - Same brother. - What an asshole. 607 00:38:02,340 --> 00:38:03,944 Yeah. 608 00:38:04,100 --> 00:38:05,784 You wanna go in? 609 00:38:05,940 --> 00:38:07,305 Absolutely. 610 00:38:08,300 --> 00:38:10,223 Well, what have we here? 611 00:38:10,380 --> 00:38:13,187 Little Romeo and Juliet situation? 612 00:38:14,420 --> 00:38:16,900 My name's Russ. Pleased to meet you both. 613 00:38:18,140 --> 00:38:21,462 I'm just a stranger, passing through town. 614 00:38:21,620 --> 00:38:25,227 But I couldn't help noticing how incredibly handsome this young man is. 615 00:38:25,380 --> 00:38:27,223 What's your story? You got a girlfriend? 616 00:38:27,380 --> 00:38:28,666 No. 617 00:38:28,820 --> 00:38:30,549 What? No girlfriend? 618 00:38:31,740 --> 00:38:34,027 Cute boy like that? Somebody's gonna snatch you up. 619 00:38:34,180 --> 00:38:35,864 - Do you want me to call the cops? - No. 620 00:38:36,060 --> 00:38:37,585 And he plays guitar? 621 00:38:37,740 --> 00:38:39,151 Dream boy. 622 00:38:39,940 --> 00:38:41,066 - Make a muscle. - I'd... 623 00:38:41,220 --> 00:38:42,346 - Do it. - ... rather not. 624 00:38:42,500 --> 00:38:44,184 Take your shirt off. Make a muscle. 625 00:38:44,340 --> 00:38:46,149 - I really don't want to. - Don't be shy. 626 00:38:46,300 --> 00:38:48,109 - Show us what you're working with. - All right. 627 00:38:48,260 --> 00:38:50,945 Um, I should go. 628 00:38:52,500 --> 00:38:54,628 Are you sure that you'll be okay? 629 00:38:54,780 --> 00:38:56,020 I think so. 630 00:38:56,180 --> 00:38:57,591 Okay. 631 00:39:00,500 --> 00:39:01,626 Bye. 632 00:39:02,220 --> 00:39:03,267 Dang it. 633 00:39:03,700 --> 00:39:06,624 - Dad, why would you do that? - Saw you talking to her. 634 00:39:06,780 --> 00:39:09,863 - Figured you could use a wingman. - I didn't need a wingman. 635 00:39:10,020 --> 00:39:13,741 - Well, heh, looks like you did. She left. - That's because you were approaching... 636 00:39:13,900 --> 00:39:15,948 You know, James, when I was your age... 637 00:39:16,140 --> 00:39:20,623 Grandpa Clark sat me down and we had a little chat. 638 00:39:20,780 --> 00:39:25,024 Seeing you with that girl made me realize that we haven't had that chat yet. 639 00:39:25,180 --> 00:39:26,670 - We don't need that chat. - Yeah? 640 00:39:26,860 --> 00:39:30,228 Come on, I know it's embarrassing, but it'd be a lot more embarrassing... 641 00:39:30,380 --> 00:39:33,224 if you found yourself tummy to tummy with a lady friend... 642 00:39:33,380 --> 00:39:36,224 - and didn't know what goes where. - I know what goes where. 643 00:39:36,380 --> 00:39:37,506 - You do? - Uh-huh. 644 00:39:37,660 --> 00:39:38,946 - You sure? - Yep. 645 00:39:39,100 --> 00:39:41,944 All right, all right. Well, I just want you to know... 646 00:39:42,100 --> 00:39:46,150 I'm here to answer any questions you might have about that stuff. 647 00:39:46,340 --> 00:39:48,820 No matter how uncomfortable it seems. 648 00:39:50,860 --> 00:39:52,385 Yeah, okay. 649 00:39:52,540 --> 00:39:55,589 - Yeah, right. Here it comes. - Yeah. All right. Okay. 650 00:39:56,060 --> 00:40:00,668 Uh, there were some kids at school who were talking about... 651 00:40:00,820 --> 00:40:01,901 rim jobs. 652 00:40:02,060 --> 00:40:05,303 - Hmm. - So, what's that? What's a rim job? 653 00:40:05,580 --> 00:40:07,423 - Rim jobs. - Yeah. 654 00:40:07,900 --> 00:40:10,141 - Is that R-I-M? - Mm-hm. 655 00:40:11,700 --> 00:40:13,623 Rim job. Country of origin. 656 00:40:13,820 --> 00:40:16,187 I don't know. Um, America. 657 00:40:16,340 --> 00:40:17,990 Can I hear it in a sentence? 658 00:40:19,180 --> 00:40:21,228 - What's a rim job, Dad? - Oh. 659 00:40:22,860 --> 00:40:25,022 Well, rim job. 660 00:40:25,380 --> 00:40:28,907 I would guess a rim job is when you kiss someone with your mouth closed. 661 00:40:29,060 --> 00:40:31,711 Right? So you're only using the rim of your mouth. 662 00:40:32,460 --> 00:40:33,871 - That's it? - Sure. 663 00:40:34,020 --> 00:40:37,149 It felt like it was something way dirtier. 664 00:40:37,300 --> 00:40:39,268 No, I mean, what else could it be? 665 00:40:40,100 --> 00:40:41,306 Any other questions? 666 00:40:41,460 --> 00:40:43,064 I guess not. 667 00:40:43,260 --> 00:40:44,625 Good talk, James. 668 00:40:46,060 --> 00:40:50,145 Now, I hope you're not too old to let your dad give you... 669 00:40:50,300 --> 00:40:51,790 a good-night rim job. 670 00:42:06,580 --> 00:42:09,231 Looks like we might get to Aunt Audrey's before dinner. 671 00:42:09,380 --> 00:42:10,984 Will Uncle Stone be there? 672 00:42:11,140 --> 00:42:13,222 Yeah, I suppose he will. 673 00:42:13,380 --> 00:42:16,543 - Uncle Stone is cool. - You have to be cool to be a celebrity. 674 00:42:17,100 --> 00:42:18,989 Heh. He's not exactly a celebrity. 675 00:42:19,140 --> 00:42:21,188 I mean, he's a local weatherman. That's all. 676 00:42:21,340 --> 00:42:24,184 Uh, actually, Audrey said that the networks are interested in him. 677 00:42:24,340 --> 00:42:25,387 - Yeah? - Oh, yeah. 678 00:42:25,580 --> 00:42:26,945 All right. Well, good for him. 679 00:42:27,100 --> 00:42:30,468 - Think Uncle Stone will let me ride his horse? - I don't see why not. 680 00:42:30,620 --> 00:42:32,987 - Do you think I can shoot his guns? - No, you cannot. 681 00:42:33,700 --> 00:42:37,261 Too bad. I would've shot you right off that fucking horse. 682 00:42:39,500 --> 00:42:42,583 I never would've imagined my sister marrying such a conservative. 683 00:42:42,740 --> 00:42:46,267 Yeah, but just because Stone's political beliefs are different than ours... 684 00:42:46,420 --> 00:42:48,707 doesn't mean he's not good-looking. I... 685 00:42:48,900 --> 00:42:50,629 A good person. 686 00:42:52,900 --> 00:42:54,311 - You said it. - Uh, honey... 687 00:42:54,460 --> 00:42:55,507 Hey, look at that! 688 00:42:55,660 --> 00:42:58,470 Hot springs up ahead. We've always wanted to do that. 689 00:42:58,660 --> 00:43:00,742 Oh, honey, we don't wanna be late to Audrey's. 690 00:43:00,900 --> 00:43:03,062 So we're a few minutes late. 691 00:43:03,220 --> 00:43:07,020 We're on vacation. Right? Come on. Let's have some fun. 692 00:43:07,740 --> 00:43:08,787 Okay. 693 00:43:16,820 --> 00:43:18,788 - Oh. Look at the line. - This will take forever. 694 00:43:18,940 --> 00:43:22,262 Come on, guys. How often do we get to soak in hot water? 695 00:43:22,420 --> 00:43:23,910 Every time we take a bath. 696 00:43:24,380 --> 00:43:26,508 No, this is different, okay? This is natural. 697 00:43:26,660 --> 00:43:29,140 This water was heated in Mother Nature's bowels. 698 00:43:29,300 --> 00:43:30,631 Oh. Gross. 699 00:43:31,100 --> 00:43:33,068 There's gotta be another way in. 700 00:43:34,020 --> 00:43:36,705 I'm gonna ask this gentleman. I bet he'd know. 701 00:43:36,900 --> 00:43:38,345 Excuse me, sir. 702 00:43:38,500 --> 00:43:39,831 - Hi there. - Hey. Hi. 703 00:43:40,020 --> 00:43:44,150 Hey, we were wondering. Is there another entrance to the hot springs? 704 00:43:44,300 --> 00:43:46,541 Like a secret entrance the locals use? 705 00:43:46,700 --> 00:43:50,864 - Line can get pretty long this time of year, huh? - Yeah. Yeah, it sure can. 706 00:43:51,020 --> 00:43:52,431 Yeah, I'll tell you what you'll do. 707 00:43:52,580 --> 00:43:55,663 Uh, can you see that dirt road? That path there on the left? 708 00:43:55,820 --> 00:43:58,426 - Yeah. - If you just follow that all the way up... 709 00:43:58,580 --> 00:44:00,423 that'll take you to the hot springs. 710 00:44:00,580 --> 00:44:02,469 All right, perfect. Thank you. 711 00:44:02,620 --> 00:44:05,590 Oh, no, no. You bet. Y'all have a good time. 712 00:44:05,740 --> 00:44:07,708 - Oh, will do, heh. - Heh. 713 00:44:07,900 --> 00:44:09,470 Hey, what's your pet rat's name? 714 00:44:09,620 --> 00:44:11,304 Is my pet what? 715 00:44:11,780 --> 00:44:14,226 What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? 716 00:44:15,580 --> 00:44:16,741 I don't know him. 717 00:44:27,460 --> 00:44:31,146 Honey, are you sure about this? I mean, nobody else is going this way. 718 00:44:31,660 --> 00:44:35,790 Yeah, well, most people think inside the box. 719 00:44:36,420 --> 00:44:38,661 But you know who thinks outside the box? 720 00:44:38,820 --> 00:44:40,663 Uncle Stone? 721 00:44:40,820 --> 00:44:43,471 Me. Your father. 722 00:44:47,900 --> 00:44:51,222 Um, honey, I don't see any hot springs. 723 00:44:51,380 --> 00:44:54,304 Well, the guy said it was right at the end of this road, so... 724 00:44:54,460 --> 00:44:58,670 Well, the guy also did not know he had a rat on his shoulder, so there's that. 725 00:44:58,860 --> 00:44:59,907 Hold on. 726 00:45:08,780 --> 00:45:11,260 Wow, honey, this is beautiful. 727 00:45:11,420 --> 00:45:13,866 - Isn't it? - Yeah. 728 00:45:15,140 --> 00:45:16,585 All right, everyone. 729 00:45:16,740 --> 00:45:19,220 In your bathing suits. Now! Heh. 730 00:45:20,660 --> 00:45:24,346 Looks like we found our own private hot spring. 731 00:45:25,180 --> 00:45:28,582 - I say we call it "Griswold Springs." - Heh. 732 00:45:29,620 --> 00:45:32,351 - The water's perfect. - Oh, my God. It's so nice. 733 00:45:32,500 --> 00:45:34,264 Why does it smell like rotten eggs? 734 00:45:34,420 --> 00:45:36,900 - That's the sulfur, buddy. It's natural. - Yeah. 735 00:45:37,060 --> 00:45:39,142 Yeah. And it's really good for you too. 736 00:45:39,300 --> 00:45:42,031 Actually, the minerals that are in this mud here... 737 00:45:42,180 --> 00:45:44,103 they draw toxins out of your body. 738 00:45:44,740 --> 00:45:45,787 Can you believe that? 739 00:45:45,940 --> 00:45:47,101 Cool, right? 740 00:45:51,180 --> 00:45:52,227 Oh, wow. 741 00:45:53,100 --> 00:45:56,547 Mm. This is perfect. 742 00:45:56,940 --> 00:45:58,624 It's exactly what we needed. 743 00:45:58,780 --> 00:46:01,021 Oh, yeah. Good call, Griswold. 744 00:46:03,700 --> 00:46:05,862 - Oh, man. - Yeah. 745 00:46:06,020 --> 00:46:08,261 - Oh, yeah. That's it. - That's it. That's it. 746 00:46:08,420 --> 00:46:10,946 I can feel my body detoxifying. 747 00:46:16,140 --> 00:46:17,187 You know... 748 00:46:18,300 --> 00:46:21,747 it tastes a little shitty, but I think that's part of it. That's okay. 749 00:46:21,940 --> 00:46:23,465 This is wonderful. 750 00:46:28,580 --> 00:46:30,662 That is the stuff. 751 00:46:31,660 --> 00:46:32,741 What is that, honey? 752 00:46:32,900 --> 00:46:34,823 On your ear. What's on your ear? 753 00:46:35,140 --> 00:46:36,221 What is that? 754 00:46:37,820 --> 00:46:38,946 It's an ear! 755 00:46:41,100 --> 00:46:42,989 Look, James. Found a dart. 756 00:46:43,180 --> 00:46:44,545 Are you crazy? 757 00:46:44,700 --> 00:46:47,306 Oh, my God! Everybody out of Griswold Springs! 758 00:46:47,460 --> 00:46:49,428 - Get out of the poop! - That was nasty! 759 00:46:50,620 --> 00:46:51,667 All over me! 760 00:46:52,260 --> 00:46:54,069 I don't like Griswold Springs. 761 00:46:55,420 --> 00:46:56,467 Is that our car alarm? 762 00:46:58,540 --> 00:46:59,701 What? 763 00:47:00,300 --> 00:47:04,669 Ugh. How come that local guy didn't tell us there are thieves in these woods? 764 00:47:05,860 --> 00:47:06,907 Oh, right. 765 00:47:08,340 --> 00:47:09,387 He took my guitar. 766 00:47:09,540 --> 00:47:11,429 Oh, my God. He took all our money, Russ. 767 00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:13,349 All right, not a best-case scenario. 768 00:47:13,500 --> 00:47:14,831 But, hey. 769 00:47:14,980 --> 00:47:16,584 He left your book. 770 00:47:16,740 --> 00:47:20,108 So, I guess we get the last laugh. 771 00:47:20,260 --> 00:47:21,307 Oh, really, honey? 772 00:47:21,500 --> 00:47:23,707 We're naked and covered in human waste. 773 00:47:23,860 --> 00:47:26,864 Oh, come on, sweetheart. We don't know that it's human. 774 00:47:34,300 --> 00:47:37,270 This is so embarrassing. I feel like your cousin Eddie's family. 775 00:47:37,420 --> 00:47:41,061 It's no big deal. We'll just tell Stone and Audrey what happened. 776 00:47:41,220 --> 00:47:42,790 Kids, remember what happened? 777 00:47:42,980 --> 00:47:45,381 We pulled over to rescue a baby from a burning car... 778 00:47:45,540 --> 00:47:48,544 and somebody stole all of our stuff while we were distracted. 779 00:47:48,740 --> 00:47:51,311 And why are we naked and covered in feces? 780 00:47:51,460 --> 00:47:52,985 I don't remember. 781 00:47:53,140 --> 00:47:55,461 That's right. We don't remember. 782 00:48:14,020 --> 00:48:15,545 Oh, my God. 783 00:48:16,740 --> 00:48:18,549 Oh, come on. 784 00:48:21,500 --> 00:48:24,470 - What're we gonna do? - Can you give me a hand with this? Please? 785 00:48:24,620 --> 00:48:27,226 Just... Yeah. 786 00:48:27,380 --> 00:48:28,905 Oh, gosh. 787 00:48:29,060 --> 00:48:31,506 - I can't. I can't get it off. - Just use your spit. 788 00:48:31,700 --> 00:48:32,826 Oh, okay. 789 00:48:34,420 --> 00:48:35,581 Focus on the balls. 790 00:48:35,740 --> 00:48:37,902 If you guys wanna stop, that'd be good too. 791 00:48:39,940 --> 00:48:42,147 Stay on the balls. I've got the shaft. 792 00:48:43,100 --> 00:48:44,181 Hi, y'all! 793 00:48:44,940 --> 00:48:46,624 Hey. Oh, my goodness. Hi. 794 00:48:46,780 --> 00:48:48,145 What happened? 795 00:48:48,780 --> 00:48:50,066 Well, that's a... 796 00:48:50,260 --> 00:48:51,989 It's a crazy story... 797 00:48:52,140 --> 00:48:53,869 Dad got scammed by a guy at a park. 798 00:48:54,020 --> 00:48:56,227 - Kevin. - Same old Rusty. 799 00:48:56,380 --> 00:48:57,870 You'd buy water from a faucet. 800 00:49:01,980 --> 00:49:04,108 Anyway, you guys look disgusting. 801 00:49:04,260 --> 00:49:06,661 I have some clothes I was gonna give to the church... 802 00:49:06,860 --> 00:49:08,908 if you guys wanna borrow some of those. 803 00:49:09,060 --> 00:49:10,550 - Great. Thank you, Audrey. - Yeah. 804 00:49:10,740 --> 00:49:12,708 - Come on inside. - All right. 805 00:49:12,860 --> 00:49:14,589 Boy, y'all stink. 806 00:49:18,220 --> 00:49:20,109 Oh, I don't like that. 807 00:49:21,060 --> 00:49:24,303 Man, this place makes our house look like shit. 808 00:49:24,500 --> 00:49:29,825 Well, Kevin, that's only because a dollar goes much further out here than it does in Chicago. 809 00:49:30,460 --> 00:49:33,111 Especially when you make a lot more of them, heh. 810 00:49:34,180 --> 00:49:35,420 Just messing with you. 811 00:49:35,580 --> 00:49:38,663 Shoot, you boys are growing faster than a weed under a faucet. 812 00:49:38,820 --> 00:49:41,585 - You still rassling, son? - Uh-huh. 813 00:49:41,780 --> 00:49:43,464 Uh-huh. Oh, come on. Show me what you got. 814 00:49:47,420 --> 00:49:51,311 - Hey, Kevin. Get off your brother, please. - They're just having themselves a rassle. 815 00:49:51,460 --> 00:49:54,509 - It's what brothers do. - Hey, oh, look at you guys. 816 00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:58,147 Hot damn. Debbie Griswold. You just keep getting prettier. 817 00:49:58,300 --> 00:50:00,462 - Oh, stop. - No, I mean it. 818 00:50:00,980 --> 00:50:03,870 You could make hot water come out of the cold faucet. 819 00:50:05,860 --> 00:50:07,510 Oh, heh. That's very sweet. 820 00:50:07,660 --> 00:50:10,266 You know, I remember the night you first wore that dress. 821 00:50:10,460 --> 00:50:12,701 - You remember that night? - I remember that night. 822 00:50:12,860 --> 00:50:15,625 - I'll never forget that night. - Neither will I, baby. 823 00:50:15,780 --> 00:50:17,111 You're my fucking husband. 824 00:50:17,300 --> 00:50:19,348 Oh, betcha, I am. I'm your caveman. 825 00:50:20,820 --> 00:50:22,629 I'll rip you in half. 826 00:50:23,660 --> 00:50:25,628 I wanna have all your babies. 827 00:50:25,780 --> 00:50:27,908 Oh, baby. 828 00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:32,306 I hit the fucking jackpot with you. 829 00:50:32,460 --> 00:50:34,383 Oh, God, what I'm gonna do to you tonight. 830 00:50:36,060 --> 00:50:38,381 Who wants to see Stone's man cave? 831 00:50:40,460 --> 00:50:41,507 Yeah. 832 00:50:41,700 --> 00:50:43,145 Is this Charlton Heston? 833 00:50:43,300 --> 00:50:45,302 Yep, Chuck was a good friend. 834 00:50:45,500 --> 00:50:48,709 I can't tell you how many nights we spent drinking bourbon together... 835 00:50:48,860 --> 00:50:50,828 crying about the state of this country. 836 00:50:50,980 --> 00:50:53,586 It's true, they did. They literally cried together. 837 00:50:53,740 --> 00:50:56,823 Hmm. Somehow I don't see you crying, though, Stone. 838 00:50:56,980 --> 00:50:58,505 Yeah, that's, uh... 839 00:50:58,660 --> 00:51:00,469 That's kind of embarrassing, right? 840 00:51:01,260 --> 00:51:02,910 Not embarrassing to me. 841 00:51:03,100 --> 00:51:06,149 Even the strongest faucet sometimes lets out a few drops, heh. 842 00:51:06,300 --> 00:51:08,541 What is with these faucets? 843 00:51:08,700 --> 00:51:10,384 Everyone thought that F-4 twister... 844 00:51:10,540 --> 00:51:12,986 - was gonna bypass Harris County. - Not my Stone. 845 00:51:13,140 --> 00:51:17,862 I had a feeling that that low-pressure system was gonna make a beeline for Mission Bend. 846 00:51:18,500 --> 00:51:22,585 Thanks to my report, those people had an extra 15 minutes to evacuate. 847 00:51:22,780 --> 00:51:26,148 - Ah. - Governor Perry said he saved 2000 lives. 848 00:51:26,300 --> 00:51:29,110 That's how many we lost at Pearl Harbor... 849 00:51:29,260 --> 00:51:32,469 so basically he stopped Pearl Harbor. 850 00:51:32,620 --> 00:51:35,351 That's when the national news called. Now, between us... 851 00:51:35,500 --> 00:51:36,706 it's looking good. Ain't it, honey? 852 00:51:38,860 --> 00:51:42,501 Course none of that would've been possible without my sugar mama here... 853 00:51:42,660 --> 00:51:45,504 working day and night to put me through meteorology school. 854 00:51:45,660 --> 00:51:48,789 I liked working, baby. I didn't mind it one bit. 855 00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:51,062 Well, you never have to do it again, darling. 856 00:51:51,220 --> 00:51:52,870 But it kind of gave me purpose. 857 00:51:53,020 --> 00:51:55,729 Nope, never again. That is a promise. 858 00:51:56,500 --> 00:51:59,026 Wow, Uncle Stone, I may not agree with your politics... 859 00:51:59,180 --> 00:52:02,229 - but that doesn't mean I don't admire you. - Well, thank you. 860 00:52:02,380 --> 00:52:06,271 But the man you should admire the most is sitting right next to you. 861 00:52:06,820 --> 00:52:08,504 But there's nobody there. 862 00:52:08,660 --> 00:52:11,140 Oh, I don't mean that chair. I mean your pa right here. 863 00:52:11,300 --> 00:52:12,540 Okay, heh. 864 00:52:12,700 --> 00:52:14,748 - He doesn't save anybody's life. - Doesn't he? 865 00:52:15,500 --> 00:52:19,505 Well, every time he flies that little plane of his, he's saving lives by not crashing. 866 00:52:19,660 --> 00:52:20,786 And in my book... 867 00:52:21,340 --> 00:52:22,626 that makes him a hero. 868 00:52:23,420 --> 00:52:25,741 Thank you. You know, a lot of people actually... 869 00:52:25,900 --> 00:52:30,303 Not to mention, he also snagged himself one sweet slice of foxy pie in your mama there. 870 00:52:30,460 --> 00:52:33,464 You gotta stop that today. Stop it. 871 00:52:34,420 --> 00:52:37,026 You know what I always wanted to know was... 872 00:52:37,620 --> 00:52:40,783 when did you first know the weather? 873 00:52:42,140 --> 00:52:43,187 You all right, Deb? 874 00:52:43,380 --> 00:52:45,303 - What? - Hey, there's a cow. 875 00:52:46,780 --> 00:52:48,544 Oh, not a cow. That's a steer. 876 00:52:48,700 --> 00:52:53,562 That there is $6000 worth of juicy, purebred Angus beef. 877 00:52:53,680 --> 00:52:57,423 It's Stone's new passion, raising cattle. He's even named them. 878 00:52:57,620 --> 00:53:01,067 Uh-huh. Old Sebastian here loves him some ribs. 879 00:53:01,260 --> 00:53:02,421 Here you go, boy. 880 00:53:02,580 --> 00:53:04,742 Yeah. Oh, that's it. 881 00:53:07,140 --> 00:53:10,110 - Dad, isn't that...? - Cannibalism? Yeah. 882 00:53:10,260 --> 00:53:14,106 You boys get up early tomorrow, you can watch me herd these suckers into the corral. 883 00:53:14,300 --> 00:53:16,143 - Oh! - Wait a minute, wait a minute. 884 00:53:16,300 --> 00:53:17,711 You herd them yourself? 885 00:53:17,900 --> 00:53:19,470 Heh, I'm a man, aren't I? 886 00:53:19,620 --> 00:53:21,031 Yes. 887 00:53:22,220 --> 00:53:25,667 Uh, hey, Stone, not sure if you need a hand out there, but I'd love to help. 888 00:53:25,820 --> 00:53:29,108 Sure thing. If you're up for it I can always use an extra set of hands. 889 00:53:29,260 --> 00:53:32,742 Well, I was born with an extra set of hands. 890 00:53:33,660 --> 00:53:35,503 That's an odd thing to say, heh. 891 00:53:36,060 --> 00:53:38,427 But I reckon this'll be the highlight of your trip. 892 00:53:38,580 --> 00:53:42,187 Well, the real highlight, of course, will be when we get to Walley World... 893 00:53:42,380 --> 00:53:46,385 and I take my family on the Velociraptor. 894 00:53:46,540 --> 00:53:50,226 I think it is so weird. I don't know why you want to go back to Walley World... 895 00:53:50,380 --> 00:53:51,825 after Dad flipped out there. 896 00:53:52,020 --> 00:53:56,150 Audrey, Dad flipped out because he loved us and wanted us to be close. 897 00:53:56,300 --> 00:53:59,810 And we were. And that's all I want for my family. 898 00:54:00,740 --> 00:54:02,424 You're such a clown. 899 00:54:02,580 --> 00:54:03,945 You're a clown. 900 00:54:04,100 --> 00:54:05,909 Babe, baby, I think Rusty's right. 901 00:54:06,060 --> 00:54:10,463 You know, family is the most important thing there is. 902 00:54:10,660 --> 00:54:12,469 Little something... 903 00:54:15,460 --> 00:54:17,701 Maybe we'll take baby Cooper on a trip this summer. 904 00:54:17,860 --> 00:54:19,146 Yeah, not to Walley World. 905 00:54:19,340 --> 00:54:20,990 - Oh, God, no. - Because that'd be stupid. 906 00:54:21,140 --> 00:54:23,347 That'd be stupid. How about Paris? 907 00:54:26,380 --> 00:54:29,190 And then we get back I can maybe get a part-time job? 908 00:54:29,340 --> 00:54:32,264 Well, not while there's breath in my body, sweetheart. 909 00:54:37,100 --> 00:54:39,671 You know, honey, I am really happy for your sister. 910 00:54:39,860 --> 00:54:40,907 - Yeah? - Seriously. 911 00:54:41,060 --> 00:54:43,904 She and Stone seem really in love. It's nice. 912 00:54:44,060 --> 00:54:47,064 These pants Stone gave me are really stretched out in the crotch. 913 00:54:47,220 --> 00:54:49,382 Weird. Why would they be stretched out in the...? 914 00:54:49,540 --> 00:54:51,190 - God, I don't know. - Holy shit. 915 00:54:51,340 --> 00:54:53,627 How much you think they paid for this house? 916 00:54:54,940 --> 00:54:58,422 Whoa. Oh, okay, whoa. 917 00:54:58,580 --> 00:55:00,742 Oh, should I see if Audrey has a Yankee Candle? 918 00:55:00,900 --> 00:55:03,551 Fuck the Yankee Candle. I wanna do this now. 919 00:55:04,700 --> 00:55:07,943 - Oh, God, you're so sexy. Oh, my God. - Oh, what has gotten into you? 920 00:55:09,220 --> 00:55:10,426 What? What, what? 921 00:55:11,340 --> 00:55:12,865 This is because of him, isn't it? 922 00:55:13,060 --> 00:55:14,391 What? Who? 923 00:55:15,220 --> 00:55:16,790 Because of who? 924 00:55:16,980 --> 00:55:18,311 Because of Stone. 925 00:55:18,460 --> 00:55:20,781 - What? - That's why you're jumping my bones. 926 00:55:20,980 --> 00:55:23,028 - You're thinking of him. - That's ridiculous. 927 00:55:23,180 --> 00:55:25,228 Then how come the one night we're with him... 928 00:55:25,380 --> 00:55:29,863 - you turn into some kind of sexual character? - I don't know where you're going with this... 929 00:55:30,020 --> 00:55:32,387 - Where's your wedding ring? - Oh, my God. 930 00:55:32,540 --> 00:55:34,907 Before we got here, you took off your wedding ring? 931 00:55:35,060 --> 00:55:37,028 No, I didn't, Rusty. It was loose. 932 00:55:37,180 --> 00:55:38,625 You remember how loose it was? 933 00:55:38,780 --> 00:55:40,862 And I must've just dropped it somewhere. 934 00:55:41,020 --> 00:55:44,069 What was the plan? Show up with no ring, he'll think you're single? 935 00:55:44,220 --> 00:55:46,871 How will he think I'm single if I'm here with my husband? 936 00:55:47,020 --> 00:55:48,704 I don't know. It was your plan. 937 00:55:48,860 --> 00:55:50,942 It was not my pl... Okay. 938 00:55:52,220 --> 00:55:57,351 Yes, Stone is an impressive man, okay? 939 00:55:57,540 --> 00:55:59,429 But I married you, Rusty. 940 00:55:59,580 --> 00:56:01,821 And I am so sorry that I lost my ring... 941 00:56:02,020 --> 00:56:05,911 but I would never, ever, ever take it off on purpose. 942 00:56:08,620 --> 00:56:10,941 I know, I know. I just... 943 00:56:13,220 --> 00:56:15,746 I freaked out. I'm sorry. I just... 944 00:56:17,060 --> 00:56:18,300 We'll get you another ring. 945 00:56:18,500 --> 00:56:20,150 I liked that one. 946 00:56:22,620 --> 00:56:24,304 Hey, y'all decent? 947 00:56:24,500 --> 00:56:25,911 - Yes. Hi. - Hey. 948 00:56:26,060 --> 00:56:29,826 Okay. Just wanted to make sure y'all had everything you needed for the night. 949 00:56:30,540 --> 00:56:31,666 Yep. 950 00:56:32,660 --> 00:56:33,786 All right. 951 00:56:34,540 --> 00:56:37,749 Man, it sure is beautiful here this time of year, ain't it? 952 00:56:38,780 --> 00:56:41,101 And quiet. Listen. 953 00:56:41,780 --> 00:56:43,191 You hear that? 954 00:56:45,380 --> 00:56:47,781 - No. - Exactly. It's perfect silence. 955 00:56:47,980 --> 00:56:49,220 Hmm. 956 00:56:50,060 --> 00:56:52,062 Yeah, yeah. 957 00:56:52,220 --> 00:56:56,145 Well, uh, TV remote. Okay, let me show you. 958 00:56:56,300 --> 00:56:58,428 I've got, uh, channels... 959 00:56:58,620 --> 00:57:00,031 and the volume. 960 00:57:00,180 --> 00:57:01,545 On. Off. 961 00:57:02,060 --> 00:57:03,983 - Pretty straightforward. - Yeah. 962 00:57:04,140 --> 00:57:06,347 - Yeah. - Great. 963 00:57:06,500 --> 00:57:07,547 All right. 964 00:57:07,700 --> 00:57:11,500 Well, uh, if you get thirsty, there's fresh milk in the fridge... 965 00:57:11,660 --> 00:57:14,664 and have yourselves a good night. 966 00:57:14,820 --> 00:57:16,948 - Uh-huh. - Okay. 967 00:57:17,140 --> 00:57:19,302 - Night, Stone. - Good night, Stone. 968 00:57:20,020 --> 00:57:21,146 Man. 969 00:57:22,820 --> 00:57:24,231 Yeah. 970 00:57:27,340 --> 00:57:28,501 Okay. 971 00:57:31,260 --> 00:57:34,230 He totally just came in here to show off his six-pack. 972 00:57:38,260 --> 00:57:39,671 Hey, morning. 973 00:57:39,860 --> 00:57:41,862 Ugh, barely. 974 00:57:42,020 --> 00:57:43,749 How come you gotta do this at 6 a.m.? 975 00:57:43,900 --> 00:57:46,107 Well, I gotta be at the station by 7:30... 976 00:57:46,260 --> 00:57:48,911 for Stone Crandall's AccuWeather Report. 977 00:57:49,740 --> 00:57:51,583 Hey, you ever ride one of these things? 978 00:57:52,580 --> 00:57:53,991 No, never have. 979 00:57:54,140 --> 00:57:58,862 But, uh, can't imagine it's more complicated than an Airbus A318. 980 00:57:59,020 --> 00:58:01,546 Heh, yeah, well, that's the spirit. 981 00:58:01,700 --> 00:58:05,022 Now, the key here is to move back and forth along the edge of the herd. 982 00:58:05,180 --> 00:58:08,309 You keep your distance, though. You don't want to spook them. 983 00:58:08,460 --> 00:58:10,110 Got it. 984 00:58:10,260 --> 00:58:11,625 Okay. 985 00:58:12,700 --> 00:58:13,781 Are there helmets? 986 00:58:14,340 --> 00:58:16,422 Yeah, I keep them with the tampons. 987 00:58:16,980 --> 00:58:18,925 Just basic safety. 988 00:58:25,900 --> 00:58:27,265 This is exciting! 989 00:58:27,460 --> 00:58:30,191 It's my favorite way to start the day. 990 00:58:30,700 --> 00:58:32,429 This, and making love to your sister. 991 00:58:33,060 --> 00:58:34,300 Thank you for that. 992 00:58:39,140 --> 00:58:40,471 Come on, let's go! 993 00:58:41,300 --> 00:58:43,507 It looks like we got us a couple of mavericks. 994 00:58:43,660 --> 00:58:46,504 You take the one on the left. I'll take the one on the right. 995 00:58:46,660 --> 00:58:48,503 Unless you need my help with yours. 996 00:58:48,660 --> 00:58:50,105 No, I think I got it. 997 00:58:50,260 --> 00:58:52,308 Last one to the corral's a rotten cowpoke. 998 00:58:58,420 --> 00:58:59,865 Let's go! 999 00:59:00,020 --> 00:59:02,102 Go! Get up! Get up! Get up! Let's go! 1000 00:59:03,780 --> 00:59:04,827 Whoa! 1001 00:59:12,220 --> 00:59:13,506 Hey! 1002 00:59:14,900 --> 00:59:16,140 Holy shit! 1003 00:59:17,860 --> 00:59:18,941 Oh, my gosh! 1004 00:59:26,140 --> 00:59:27,790 Is the cow okay? 1005 00:59:27,980 --> 00:59:31,063 No, the cow's not okay, Russ. You drove plumb through him. 1006 00:59:31,220 --> 00:59:32,790 Oh, no, Sebastian. 1007 00:59:35,180 --> 00:59:36,591 Gross. 1008 00:59:50,540 --> 00:59:51,826 Hey, gang, uh... 1009 00:59:52,500 --> 00:59:54,901 Maybe for lunch we could find a burger place. 1010 00:59:55,180 --> 00:59:56,944 You know, like a, uh... 1011 00:59:57,620 --> 01:00:00,782 Like a drive-through burger place. 1012 01:00:02,300 --> 01:00:04,507 I don't know, Dad. I think we should, uh... 1013 01:00:04,660 --> 01:00:06,901 steer clear of that. 1014 01:00:07,100 --> 01:00:09,706 - Good one, James. - All right, enough, you guys. 1015 01:00:09,860 --> 01:00:14,182 Dad hit a cow, okay? Let's just move on. 1016 01:00:14,980 --> 01:00:16,948 - Oh, I got one. - Yeah? Let's hear it. 1017 01:00:17,340 --> 01:00:19,422 James is a piece of shit. 1018 01:00:19,580 --> 01:00:21,662 You kind of missed the point there, buddy. 1019 01:00:58,980 --> 01:01:01,745 - Hey, hey. - What? What is it? What's wrong? 1020 01:01:01,900 --> 01:01:03,106 - Is everything okay? - Yeah. 1021 01:01:03,260 --> 01:01:04,750 - No, nothing's wrong. - Okay. 1022 01:01:04,900 --> 01:01:06,948 - Well, what? - I have an idea. 1023 01:01:07,220 --> 01:01:10,110 And it's gonna sound crazy, but hear me out, okay? 1024 01:01:10,260 --> 01:01:11,910 - Okay. - Okay. 1025 01:01:12,620 --> 01:01:14,987 We're right near the Four Corners Monument... 1026 01:01:15,140 --> 01:01:18,064 which is where four states come together in one spot. 1027 01:01:18,220 --> 01:01:20,826 - So? - Let's go have sex on it. 1028 01:01:21,420 --> 01:01:22,501 What? Heh. 1029 01:01:23,780 --> 01:01:27,466 Yeah, that way we can make love in four states at the same time. 1030 01:01:27,620 --> 01:01:28,701 Wait. 1031 01:01:29,140 --> 01:01:30,710 You're serious? 1032 01:01:31,260 --> 01:01:34,469 Yeah. I mean, you're the one who said we should mix it up. 1033 01:01:34,620 --> 01:01:37,624 What's more mixed-up than sex on a public monument? 1034 01:01:38,660 --> 01:01:40,662 Um, pretty sure Debbie Do-Anything would do it. 1035 01:01:40,860 --> 01:01:42,942 Okay, well, Debbie Do-Anything was a dumb-ass. 1036 01:01:43,100 --> 01:01:45,148 Maybe that's what we need. 1037 01:01:45,300 --> 01:01:47,382 To be dumbasses together. 1038 01:01:48,380 --> 01:01:50,030 What about the kids? 1039 01:01:50,860 --> 01:01:52,430 Well, Kevin's kind of a dumb-ass. 1040 01:01:52,620 --> 01:01:53,746 No, no, honey. 1041 01:01:53,900 --> 01:01:55,982 What are we gonna do about them? 1042 01:01:56,260 --> 01:01:58,422 They're fine. They're fast asleep. 1043 01:01:58,580 --> 01:02:00,947 We'll be back before they know we're gone. 1044 01:02:01,740 --> 01:02:02,866 - Okay. - Yeah? 1045 01:02:03,020 --> 01:02:04,590 All right, let's do it. 1046 01:02:20,980 --> 01:02:22,186 Mom? 1047 01:02:23,220 --> 01:02:24,267 Dad? 1048 01:02:30,020 --> 01:02:31,704 - James? - Mom? 1049 01:02:33,300 --> 01:02:36,543 - Adena? - Are you, like, stalking me or something? 1050 01:02:36,700 --> 01:02:38,782 No. What? No. 1051 01:02:38,940 --> 01:02:40,669 I'm kidding. 1052 01:02:40,820 --> 01:02:41,901 - Relax, heh. - Oh! 1053 01:02:44,740 --> 01:02:49,382 Hey, what happened with that perv who was hitting on you in Arkansas? 1054 01:02:50,460 --> 01:02:52,349 That was actually my dad. 1055 01:02:53,220 --> 01:02:55,382 He was trying to be my wingman. 1056 01:02:55,540 --> 01:02:57,781 Oh, my God. 1057 01:02:58,540 --> 01:03:00,941 He's a really shitty wingman. 1058 01:03:04,100 --> 01:03:06,421 So no guitar tonight? 1059 01:03:07,140 --> 01:03:08,790 It got stolen. 1060 01:03:09,420 --> 01:03:10,910 That sucks. 1061 01:03:11,860 --> 01:03:13,669 I really liked hearing you play. 1062 01:03:15,100 --> 01:03:16,147 You did? 1063 01:03:16,300 --> 01:03:18,951 Yeah, I've always had a thing for musicians. 1064 01:03:21,620 --> 01:03:23,748 Well, good... 1065 01:03:23,900 --> 01:03:26,870 because I've always had a thing for... 1066 01:03:27,460 --> 01:03:28,985 pretty girls. 1067 01:03:31,740 --> 01:03:33,185 Well played. 1068 01:03:35,500 --> 01:03:37,707 See? You don't need a wingman. 1069 01:03:46,300 --> 01:03:47,665 Here it is. 1070 01:03:48,020 --> 01:03:49,784 Oh, my God. This is so illegal. 1071 01:03:49,940 --> 01:03:52,750 - I know, it's so hot, right? - Yeah. 1072 01:03:52,900 --> 01:03:55,313 I am hard as a faucet right now. 1073 01:03:56,020 --> 01:03:58,910 - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Oh. No. I like it. 1074 01:03:59,060 --> 01:04:00,107 - Yeah? - Yeah. 1075 01:04:00,260 --> 01:04:01,307 - Yeah? - I do. 1076 01:04:01,500 --> 01:04:03,901 - You like it when I slap that ass? - I do, I do, heh. 1077 01:04:04,060 --> 01:04:07,348 - Good. I'm gonna beat the shit out of your ass. - Whoa, Russ. 1078 01:04:07,500 --> 01:04:09,389 Okay, right here? 1079 01:04:14,700 --> 01:04:17,465 - We're about to have sex outside. - I know. Heh, I know. 1080 01:04:17,620 --> 01:04:20,191 - Do you want me to put a finger in? - In what? 1081 01:04:20,340 --> 01:04:21,466 - Never mind. - Okay, okay. 1082 01:04:22,020 --> 01:04:23,351 Y'all wanna keep it down? 1083 01:04:23,500 --> 01:04:26,106 - Yeah! Yeah! - Hey, watch it, man! 1084 01:04:26,260 --> 01:04:28,740 - Get your leg off me! - You're so slippery and sweaty! 1085 01:04:28,900 --> 01:04:31,983 If you're here to have sex on the Corners, we're next. Get in line. 1086 01:04:32,220 --> 01:04:33,665 - Oh, my gosh. - Oh, God. 1087 01:04:38,020 --> 01:04:39,670 Oh, God! 1088 01:04:40,380 --> 01:04:42,189 Oh, God! They're in every state! 1089 01:04:42,340 --> 01:04:43,751 So many boobies out here! 1090 01:04:43,900 --> 01:04:45,390 You two! Freeze! 1091 01:04:45,540 --> 01:04:46,746 Go, go, go! 1092 01:04:46,900 --> 01:04:47,947 Hands up! 1093 01:04:48,100 --> 01:04:49,943 - Run! Honey, run! - Get your shoe! 1094 01:04:50,100 --> 01:04:52,421 Drop the flashlight! 1095 01:04:52,580 --> 01:04:56,505 You do know public indecency is a crime in the state of Utah? 1096 01:04:56,660 --> 01:04:57,707 Yes. Sorry, officer. 1097 01:04:57,860 --> 01:05:00,989 - See, we're married, and we wanted to just... - Save it for the judge. 1098 01:05:01,140 --> 01:05:05,384 It makes me sick how you deviants show up and desecrate this holy place every night. 1099 01:05:05,540 --> 01:05:07,986 - Turn around. Hands behind your back. - What? 1100 01:05:08,140 --> 01:05:09,790 Not so fast, Tommy. 1101 01:05:09,940 --> 01:05:12,420 Shoot for sherbet. What are you doing here, Kyle? 1102 01:05:12,580 --> 01:05:16,187 These people are clearly in the state of Colorado. That's my jurisdiction. 1103 01:05:16,340 --> 01:05:18,149 Juris-dick in my ass, Kyle. 1104 01:05:18,340 --> 01:05:21,025 Look at her left foot. Smack-dab in Arizona. 1105 01:05:21,180 --> 01:05:24,070 You weed-legalizing, Mile-High piece of shit. 1106 01:05:24,220 --> 01:05:27,269 - Hey, there's no reason for that language. - Sorry, Officer Mormon. 1107 01:05:27,460 --> 01:05:28,905 You don't like that? I have an idea. 1108 01:05:29,100 --> 01:05:31,467 Why don't you plug up your ears with Mitt Romney's dick? 1109 01:05:31,660 --> 01:05:32,866 - Ha, ha. - Hey. 1110 01:05:33,060 --> 01:05:36,348 Oh, looks like New Mexico decided to wake up from his siesta. 1111 01:05:36,500 --> 01:05:39,504 - What's the trouble? - Tell you what the trouble is, dreamcatcher. 1112 01:05:39,660 --> 01:05:42,061 You are wearing entirely too much goddamn turquoise. 1113 01:05:42,220 --> 01:05:43,585 Hey, we can do this without... 1114 01:05:43,740 --> 01:05:47,267 - disrespecting each other's traditions. - Oh, go fuck your wives, Tommy. 1115 01:05:47,420 --> 01:05:49,866 This is what I'm telling you. Every night we do this. 1116 01:05:50,020 --> 01:05:53,911 You know what this border represents? It's just an idea. That's all I'm saying. 1117 01:05:54,060 --> 01:05:57,826 - If it's just an idea, then I'll just get the perp... - Ah! My house! 1118 01:05:57,980 --> 01:05:59,266 - Hey! - Stay out of my state. 1119 01:05:59,420 --> 01:06:02,151 - What are you gonna do now? - Get your feet off of my state! 1120 01:06:02,300 --> 01:06:03,631 You wanna stomp on my foot? 1121 01:06:03,780 --> 01:06:05,350 - You back... - Is that what you want? 1122 01:06:05,540 --> 01:06:06,985 Hey, I wasn't even in it! 1123 01:06:07,140 --> 01:06:09,666 Don't you kick in here! Don't start... 1124 01:06:09,820 --> 01:06:11,026 How about this, then, huh? 1125 01:06:12,260 --> 01:06:14,308 - We got a live weapon! - Oh, shit! Oh, shit! 1126 01:06:14,460 --> 01:06:16,906 - Think I'm afraid of that? - I'm not afraid of you. 1127 01:06:17,060 --> 01:06:20,140 - How about that, huh? - Oh, yeah, like I'm afraid? 1128 01:06:22,420 --> 01:06:25,185 - Are we...? I don't want it in my mouth. - Let's not do that. 1129 01:06:25,340 --> 01:06:28,389 - I'll take that all in, dude. - That's enough! Everyone get down! 1130 01:06:28,540 --> 01:06:31,942 - Get down on the ground! Get down! - Get down! Get down on the ground! 1131 01:06:32,100 --> 01:06:34,546 I'm cooperating! I'm the one who's cooperating! 1132 01:06:34,740 --> 01:06:37,550 - You get down too. You get down too. - Get down on the ground! 1133 01:06:37,740 --> 01:06:39,105 - Hands where? - Your right side. 1134 01:06:39,260 --> 01:06:40,671 - Sides or front? - Side to side. 1135 01:06:40,820 --> 01:06:42,265 - Let's do this. - Everyone down? 1136 01:06:42,420 --> 01:06:44,661 - Okay. - I think I'm done. 1137 01:06:49,500 --> 01:06:52,071 You can really see all the stars out here. 1138 01:06:53,020 --> 01:06:54,101 Yeah. 1139 01:06:56,620 --> 01:06:59,464 So, what do you feel like doing? 1140 01:06:59,660 --> 01:07:02,186 Heh. I don't know. 1141 01:07:09,660 --> 01:07:11,662 Can I give you a rim job? 1142 01:07:14,140 --> 01:07:15,949 - Whoa. - No. 1143 01:07:17,020 --> 01:07:18,260 - What? - I don't know. 1144 01:07:18,420 --> 01:07:20,900 - What's wrong with you? - I don't know. I'm sorry. 1145 01:07:21,100 --> 01:07:22,750 What did you wanna do? 1146 01:07:22,900 --> 01:07:26,268 I don't know. I thought maybe we could... 1147 01:07:26,420 --> 01:07:27,581 kiss or something? 1148 01:07:27,740 --> 01:07:29,788 Well, yeah, that's what I thought I... 1149 01:07:29,940 --> 01:07:31,783 Yeah. Okay. 1150 01:07:35,900 --> 01:07:37,106 Ow. 1151 01:07:37,340 --> 01:07:39,069 Where's Mom and Dad, dork? 1152 01:07:39,260 --> 01:07:41,262 I don't know. Just go back inside the thing. 1153 01:07:41,420 --> 01:07:43,422 You were about to let that dingus kiss you? 1154 01:07:43,580 --> 01:07:45,230 Shut up, Kevin. 1155 01:07:45,380 --> 01:07:48,031 - Who is that? - My stupid little brother. 1156 01:07:48,180 --> 01:07:50,547 I thought you said he was your big brother. 1157 01:07:50,700 --> 01:07:52,862 - I... Damn it! - Dingus. 1158 01:07:53,020 --> 01:07:56,069 - Why do you take that from him? - Am I supposed to hit him back? 1159 01:07:56,220 --> 01:07:58,063 - He's a little kid. - He's a little shit. 1160 01:07:58,220 --> 01:08:03,067 - You don't have to let him push you around. - I kind of thought I was taking the high road. 1161 01:08:03,220 --> 01:08:06,588 Yeah, that seems to be working out for you. 1162 01:08:07,700 --> 01:08:08,940 You know what? 1163 01:08:12,060 --> 01:08:13,550 Fuck it. 1164 01:08:15,180 --> 01:08:17,467 Okay, so you wanna do this now? 1165 01:08:17,620 --> 01:08:19,543 Bring it, bitch. 1166 01:08:21,380 --> 01:08:22,427 Wait, what? 1167 01:08:22,580 --> 01:08:23,786 No, no, no. 1168 01:08:24,500 --> 01:08:28,141 Wow, this is so easy. You are such a little boy. 1169 01:08:29,580 --> 01:08:32,504 Unh! There's gonna be a few changes, all right? No more bullying. 1170 01:08:32,660 --> 01:08:35,027 - Stop it. I'm telling Mom. - Shut your mouth. 1171 01:08:35,180 --> 01:08:36,341 You gonna stop bullying? 1172 01:08:36,500 --> 01:08:38,070 You're hurting my tummy. 1173 01:08:38,220 --> 01:08:40,507 Say you're gonna stop, you little piece of... 1174 01:08:40,740 --> 01:08:42,708 - ass. - Wait, what? 1175 01:08:42,860 --> 01:08:44,749 - "Piece of ass"? - You know what I mean. 1176 01:08:45,340 --> 01:08:47,468 What are you doing to my face? 1177 01:08:47,660 --> 01:08:49,025 - This hurts, doesn't it? - Dude. 1178 01:08:49,180 --> 01:08:52,627 - How do you like your ears getting messed up? - It's really not that bad. 1179 01:08:52,780 --> 01:08:55,863 - I'll tap you on the forehead. - That's not how you beat someone up. 1180 01:08:56,020 --> 01:08:57,545 Very dehumanizing. 1181 01:08:57,700 --> 01:08:59,543 Your forehead's gonna be so sore. 1182 01:08:59,700 --> 01:09:01,589 Stop it! What are you doing? 1183 01:09:01,740 --> 01:09:05,187 - How do you like your lips getting tickled? - This is really weird. 1184 01:09:05,340 --> 01:09:07,069 Just smush your cheeks. 1185 01:09:07,220 --> 01:09:11,111 - You gonna stop bullying? - Fine, I'll stop bullying. Just stop doing this. 1186 01:09:13,500 --> 01:09:14,626 Thank you, Adena. 1187 01:09:14,780 --> 01:09:16,066 This has been... 1188 01:09:16,340 --> 01:09:18,104 the best night of my life. 1189 01:09:23,900 --> 01:09:25,789 Weird fucking family. 1190 01:09:27,780 --> 01:09:29,544 Well, that was awful. 1191 01:09:32,820 --> 01:09:34,788 At least the kids never woke up. 1192 01:09:44,100 --> 01:09:46,910 Passengers on the left side of the Prancer will notice... 1193 01:09:47,100 --> 01:09:49,307 the Grand Canyon out the window. 1194 01:09:49,460 --> 01:09:52,589 That's right. Last stop before Walley World. 1195 01:10:04,700 --> 01:10:05,747 So, guys... 1196 01:10:05,900 --> 01:10:09,063 when we visited the Grand Canyon when I was a kid... 1197 01:10:09,220 --> 01:10:11,302 we barely had a chance to look at it. 1198 01:10:11,460 --> 01:10:13,224 This time... 1199 01:10:13,380 --> 01:10:15,781 we're gonna do a whole lot more than look. 1200 01:10:16,460 --> 01:10:18,861 - Oh, cool. - Sweet. 1201 01:10:24,340 --> 01:10:26,069 Hi, folks! Hi! 1202 01:10:26,260 --> 01:10:28,183 All right, let's see, who do we got here? 1203 01:10:28,340 --> 01:10:29,751 You must be... 1204 01:10:29,900 --> 01:10:31,550 the Fung family. 1205 01:10:31,740 --> 01:10:32,901 Huh? 1206 01:10:34,020 --> 01:10:36,102 I'm just messing! You're the Griswolds, right? 1207 01:10:36,260 --> 01:10:37,546 Yes, that's right. 1208 01:10:37,700 --> 01:10:41,591 Heh, right. The little guy's face was like, "Fungs?" 1209 01:10:43,540 --> 01:10:45,861 Anyway, I'm Chad. I'm gonna be your guide. 1210 01:10:46,020 --> 01:10:48,751 - Okay. Hi, Chad. - You couldn't have come on a better day. 1211 01:10:48,900 --> 01:10:50,140 I'll get you all geared up. 1212 01:10:50,300 --> 01:10:52,462 And, guess what, the river's running way high... 1213 01:10:52,660 --> 01:10:55,186 so I think we're in for a pretty sweet ride, guys. 1214 01:10:55,340 --> 01:10:56,865 - Let's roll. - All right. 1215 01:10:57,020 --> 01:10:58,590 Let's do this. 1216 01:10:58,780 --> 01:11:01,750 Okay, gang, joke time is over. Let's get serious for a second. 1217 01:11:01,900 --> 01:11:04,631 Go over a couple safety procedures before we hit the water. 1218 01:11:04,780 --> 01:11:08,910 First off, do any of you know this river? Because this is actually my first time. 1219 01:11:10,500 --> 01:11:12,548 I'm kidding, ha, ha. 1220 01:11:12,740 --> 01:11:16,222 Been doing this about three and a half years. Know the river inside and out. 1221 01:11:16,380 --> 01:11:18,747 Got my guide certificate from a Cracker Jack box. 1222 01:11:20,260 --> 01:11:22,740 Guys, it's a joke. See the little kid's face? He's all: 1223 01:11:22,940 --> 01:11:24,942 "A Cracker Jack box? A what?" 1224 01:11:27,220 --> 01:11:29,302 All you gotta do is follow my instructions... 1225 01:11:29,460 --> 01:11:32,066 and we got a 50-50 chance of coming back alive. 1226 01:11:33,980 --> 01:11:36,506 I'm kidding, guys. See the little kid's face, he's all: 1227 01:11:36,660 --> 01:11:39,550 "I'm coming back alive! I don't wanna die!" 1228 01:11:40,900 --> 01:11:43,346 Sorry, hang on a second. I'm getting a call from my fiancée here. 1229 01:11:43,500 --> 01:11:46,504 Just got engaged two weeks ago, so I think I'm gonna take this... 1230 01:11:46,660 --> 01:11:49,709 or the river's not gonna be the only hot water I'm in today. 1231 01:11:50,300 --> 01:11:51,825 River's actually very cold. 1232 01:11:51,980 --> 01:11:53,027 Hey, boo. 1233 01:11:54,100 --> 01:11:55,750 - Wow, this is awesome. - Ah. 1234 01:11:55,900 --> 01:11:59,871 We're about to set sail through one of America's greatest aquatic treasures. 1235 01:12:00,060 --> 01:12:02,347 - Kevin, don't hit your brother. - I didn't. 1236 01:12:03,940 --> 01:12:06,671 You heard what he said about the "aquatic treasures," right? 1237 01:12:06,860 --> 01:12:09,067 - Yeah. - And you didn't wanna hit him? 1238 01:12:11,420 --> 01:12:13,024 - Well, that's progress. - Wow. 1239 01:12:13,180 --> 01:12:16,104 I don't understand, though. Like, what are you even saying? 1240 01:12:16,340 --> 01:12:18,229 But just like that? 1241 01:12:18,380 --> 01:12:20,747 I love you. You love me. 1242 01:12:20,900 --> 01:12:24,188 Tanya, please. Please, just let's think about this for a second, honey. 1243 01:12:24,380 --> 01:12:27,589 You're all that I have in this world. Tanya, no, babe. 1244 01:12:27,740 --> 01:12:31,381 No, Tanya, no. Please, don't hang up. No, no! Goddamn it! 1245 01:12:51,700 --> 01:12:53,702 Who's ready to go on the river? 1246 01:12:53,900 --> 01:12:56,631 Um, are you okay, Chad? 1247 01:12:56,780 --> 01:12:58,145 Oh, yeah. 1248 01:12:58,300 --> 01:13:00,587 Turns out I'm not engaged anymore. 1249 01:13:00,740 --> 01:13:01,821 So... 1250 01:13:03,860 --> 01:13:05,146 All aboard. 1251 01:13:06,820 --> 01:13:08,310 I don't know about this, Russ. 1252 01:13:08,900 --> 01:13:10,390 Oh, come on. 1253 01:13:10,660 --> 01:13:11,900 He's kidding. 1254 01:14:04,820 --> 01:14:08,142 Get it together! 1255 01:14:24,660 --> 01:14:25,900 Oh, shit. 1256 01:14:27,700 --> 01:14:29,589 Everybody out of the boat. 1257 01:14:51,100 --> 01:14:52,670 Can we go home now? 1258 01:14:52,860 --> 01:14:53,907 What? 1259 01:14:54,100 --> 01:14:55,909 We're a day away from Walley World. 1260 01:14:56,060 --> 01:14:58,984 Dad, I don't think any of us really care about Walley World. 1261 01:14:59,140 --> 01:15:02,064 The boys are right, Russ. I mean, we almost died back there. 1262 01:15:02,220 --> 01:15:04,621 I mean, isn't it time that we just cut our losses? 1263 01:15:05,100 --> 01:15:07,706 I cannot believe what I'm hearing. 1264 01:15:08,060 --> 01:15:10,391 Oh, my God. 1265 01:15:11,020 --> 01:15:15,070 Huh! All right, that has to be a sign, right? We were meant to finish this trip. 1266 01:15:15,260 --> 01:15:17,422 Come on, guys, everybody sing it with me. 1267 01:15:17,580 --> 01:15:23,622 There used to be a graying tower Alone on the sea 1268 01:15:25,180 --> 01:15:26,341 We're losing the station. 1269 01:15:26,500 --> 01:15:28,070 - We're not losing anything. - Yes... 1270 01:15:28,220 --> 01:15:30,063 We just have to listen a little harder! 1271 01:15:30,540 --> 01:15:33,942 Love remained A drug... 1272 01:15:34,100 --> 01:15:35,909 Okay, no, no, no. It's gone. It's gone. 1273 01:15:36,060 --> 01:15:37,346 - Just let it go. - Fine. 1274 01:15:37,500 --> 01:15:40,902 Just thought we could all sing Seal together like normal families do. 1275 01:15:42,340 --> 01:15:44,104 - Oh, crap. - Now what? 1276 01:15:44,260 --> 01:15:47,309 - We're almost out of gas. - Oh, my God. 1277 01:15:47,500 --> 01:15:48,547 It's all right. 1278 01:15:48,700 --> 01:15:52,500 I'm sure we will find a place to fill up around here before we run out. 1279 01:15:54,460 --> 01:15:55,541 Man. 1280 01:15:56,140 --> 01:15:57,710 No signal at all. 1281 01:15:59,900 --> 01:16:02,221 Wonder if the Prancer has roadside assistance. 1282 01:16:02,420 --> 01:16:06,186 - How would we even call them? - Maybe it's one of the buttons on the fob. 1283 01:16:06,340 --> 01:16:08,547 Seriously? You're gonna keep pressing buttons? 1284 01:16:08,700 --> 01:16:11,670 - Well, we never tried the top hat. - Oh, jeez. 1285 01:16:12,700 --> 01:16:13,861 Oh, my God! 1286 01:16:15,420 --> 01:16:17,627 Well, now we know what the top hat does. 1287 01:16:18,540 --> 01:16:22,101 I'm not gonna do the swastika. All that's left is the muffin. 1288 01:16:24,620 --> 01:16:25,951 Come on, muffin. 1289 01:16:28,620 --> 01:16:29,826 - What? - It started. 1290 01:16:29,980 --> 01:16:31,425 - Yes. - All right. 1291 01:16:31,580 --> 01:16:33,867 Oh, must be the extra gas tank. 1292 01:16:34,020 --> 01:16:35,067 - Right? - The muffin. 1293 01:16:35,220 --> 01:16:36,824 Dad to the rescue. 1294 01:16:36,980 --> 01:16:38,630 Thank God. Wait, where's it going? 1295 01:16:38,780 --> 01:16:39,941 Wait! Wait a minute! 1296 01:16:41,500 --> 01:16:42,786 - Make it stop! - I don't know how! 1297 01:16:42,940 --> 01:16:44,351 I'll hit the muffin again! 1298 01:17:05,020 --> 01:17:08,263 - All right, we can handle this. - Oh, no, no, no. Please, don't say that. 1299 01:17:08,420 --> 01:17:11,742 Do not say that we can handle this, Russ. Okay? 1300 01:17:11,900 --> 01:17:13,425 - We can. - No, we can't! 1301 01:17:13,580 --> 01:17:14,866 We can't! 1302 01:17:15,020 --> 01:17:18,103 From the moment we left for this trip, nothing has gone right. 1303 01:17:18,300 --> 01:17:20,871 Can you please just admit that this was a mistake? 1304 01:17:22,500 --> 01:17:24,980 But it wasn't. Right? We all wanted to go. 1305 01:17:25,180 --> 01:17:26,341 - I didn't. - Me neither. 1306 01:17:26,500 --> 01:17:27,547 Me neither. 1307 01:17:27,700 --> 01:17:28,781 You wanted to go. 1308 01:17:28,940 --> 01:17:32,990 All right, I think tempers are getting a little hot right now. We just have to, uh... 1309 01:17:34,700 --> 01:17:36,916 We just all have to... 1310 01:17:38,580 --> 01:17:40,025 Fuck me! 1311 01:17:40,420 --> 01:17:41,626 I give up! 1312 01:17:41,820 --> 01:17:43,982 All I wanted to do was take my fucking family... 1313 01:17:44,140 --> 01:17:46,984 on a fucking trip to Walley World, and ride the fucking Velociraptor! 1314 01:17:47,180 --> 01:17:49,945 Ow. There's a rock in that. 1315 01:17:52,100 --> 01:17:55,309 I guess I'm the asshole for trying to bring my family closer together. 1316 01:17:55,500 --> 01:17:59,027 What do I get? Kids who don't wanna be with me, and a wife who's miserable. 1317 01:17:59,180 --> 01:18:00,784 - Russ... - Oh, come on, Debbie. 1318 01:18:00,940 --> 01:18:05,389 You know it's true. You think you settled for me. You think I'm a loser regional pilot. 1319 01:18:05,540 --> 01:18:06,826 Well, guess what. 1320 01:18:06,980 --> 01:18:09,631 I get offers from international carriers all the time... 1321 01:18:09,860 --> 01:18:11,862 and I turn them down. Why? 1322 01:18:12,060 --> 01:18:14,745 I don't wanna be away from you and the kids that long. 1323 01:18:14,940 --> 01:18:16,271 I'm an idiot. 1324 01:18:16,420 --> 01:18:20,709 I should take one of those jobs and fly off to the Pyramids of Zambezi... 1325 01:18:20,900 --> 01:18:23,301 and the Lost Gardens of... 1326 01:18:23,460 --> 01:18:24,746 wherever the fuck! 1327 01:18:25,380 --> 01:18:26,666 Just forget it. 1328 01:18:26,820 --> 01:18:29,107 Forget this whole stupid trip. 1329 01:18:30,020 --> 01:18:31,624 You people are on your own. 1330 01:18:31,780 --> 01:18:34,021 I'm sure you'll find a better husband and father. 1331 01:18:34,180 --> 01:18:36,945 A cowboy with a huge six-pack... 1332 01:18:37,100 --> 01:18:39,102 who will take you to Paris... 1333 01:18:39,260 --> 01:18:40,750 and wrestling... 1334 01:18:41,620 --> 01:18:43,065 and books. 1335 01:18:43,260 --> 01:18:44,341 What...? 1336 01:18:44,860 --> 01:18:46,191 Wait, where are you going? 1337 01:18:46,380 --> 01:18:48,030 Fuck if I know! 1338 01:18:48,500 --> 01:18:50,901 Ow. God! 1339 01:18:51,260 --> 01:18:54,389 These tumbleweeds are all filled with things that are hard! 1340 01:19:02,620 --> 01:19:03,667 What the...? 1341 01:19:11,140 --> 01:19:12,710 Oh, no. 1342 01:19:14,580 --> 01:19:15,741 Help. 1343 01:19:16,100 --> 01:19:17,340 Help. 1344 01:19:18,060 --> 01:19:19,300 Help! 1345 01:19:19,580 --> 01:19:21,070 Help! 1346 01:19:21,500 --> 01:19:22,547 Stop! 1347 01:19:22,700 --> 01:19:24,190 Come on. Go, go, go. 1348 01:19:24,860 --> 01:19:26,225 Help! 1349 01:19:28,460 --> 01:19:29,507 No! 1350 01:19:31,340 --> 01:19:32,751 Help! 1351 01:19:44,220 --> 01:19:45,631 - Don't you kill him! - Dad! 1352 01:19:45,820 --> 01:19:47,231 I'm so sorry. 1353 01:19:47,380 --> 01:19:49,826 When I called you a pedophile, I was... 1354 01:19:49,980 --> 01:19:51,027 No! No, no, no! 1355 01:19:51,180 --> 01:19:53,990 No! Not in front of my family! 1356 01:19:55,220 --> 01:19:57,700 Your wife left this in a truck stop in Missouri. 1357 01:19:58,100 --> 01:19:59,704 Thought you might want it back. 1358 01:20:00,500 --> 01:20:02,025 Oh, my God. 1359 01:20:02,300 --> 01:20:03,745 Wait, wait. 1360 01:20:03,900 --> 01:20:05,470 Is that my ring? 1361 01:20:07,020 --> 01:20:09,671 This man's been trying to return it to us the whole time. 1362 01:20:11,060 --> 01:20:13,188 I don't know how I could ever thank you. 1363 01:20:13,340 --> 01:20:14,830 No thanks necessary. 1364 01:20:15,180 --> 01:20:18,226 - It was on my way. - So you're not a rapist? 1365 01:20:23,420 --> 01:20:25,468 Looks like your car's pretty messed up. 1366 01:20:26,620 --> 01:20:27,781 Where you headed? 1367 01:20:28,780 --> 01:20:30,020 Um... 1368 01:20:31,740 --> 01:20:33,344 Home, I guess. 1369 01:20:33,500 --> 01:20:36,868 Well, I can take you as far as San Francisco. Will that help? 1370 01:20:38,900 --> 01:20:41,744 Yeah. Yeah, that'll work. 1371 01:20:42,180 --> 01:20:43,227 Thank you. 1372 01:20:43,420 --> 01:20:44,626 All right, come on, guys. 1373 01:20:44,780 --> 01:20:45,861 Thank you. 1374 01:20:49,100 --> 01:20:51,467 - He still didn't answer me. - Oh, Kevin. 1375 01:21:07,500 --> 01:21:10,265 Well, thanks for the ride. Really appreciate it. 1376 01:21:10,420 --> 01:21:13,867 You never told us why you keep that teddy bear on the front of your truck. 1377 01:21:14,020 --> 01:21:16,705 - Oh, yeah. - It makes the kids feel more comfortable. 1378 01:21:16,860 --> 01:21:18,385 Oh, yeah? You have kids? 1379 01:21:18,580 --> 01:21:19,786 Nope. 1380 01:21:20,580 --> 01:21:22,070 Right. Take care. 1381 01:21:26,980 --> 01:21:29,984 Well, I guess that's that. 1382 01:21:30,140 --> 01:21:32,905 Yeah. We'll get a flight home tomorrow. 1383 01:21:33,060 --> 01:21:35,666 Do not stay here. Worst bed and breakfast we've been to. 1384 01:21:35,820 --> 01:21:39,586 They ought to shut this place down. The owner is a lunatic. 1385 01:21:40,100 --> 01:21:42,509 You all come back now, you hear? 1386 01:21:43,460 --> 01:21:46,145 Hey, look who made it. 1387 01:21:46,300 --> 01:21:48,701 Ellen! Oh, there you are. They're here. 1388 01:21:48,900 --> 01:21:49,981 Hi, Dad. 1389 01:21:50,140 --> 01:21:52,108 - We were so happy to get that call. - Hi. 1390 01:21:52,260 --> 01:21:53,705 How was your trip? 1391 01:21:53,860 --> 01:21:55,544 - It's a long story. - Give me a hug. 1392 01:21:55,740 --> 01:21:57,822 - Hi, Grandpa. - Oh. Come here, you two. 1393 01:21:57,980 --> 01:22:00,745 Oh, my gosh. You're getting so big. 1394 01:22:00,900 --> 01:22:03,380 - Come on, let's go inside. - Grandpa, you don't have to. 1395 01:22:03,580 --> 01:22:05,025 - No, I can do it. Really. - Russ. 1396 01:22:05,180 --> 01:22:07,501 - Clark. - Oh, no. I got this. 1397 01:22:07,660 --> 01:22:08,900 I'm fine. 1398 01:22:09,140 --> 01:22:11,029 This really hurts. 1399 01:22:11,180 --> 01:22:14,104 Then the muffin made the car explode, but it didn't matter. 1400 01:22:14,300 --> 01:22:16,826 Our luggage and all of our stuff was already stolen... 1401 01:22:16,980 --> 01:22:20,063 - by the guy with the rat on his shoulder. - Even took my guitar. 1402 01:22:20,220 --> 01:22:22,029 Oh, James, that's terrible. 1403 01:22:22,180 --> 01:22:24,786 A musician without his instrument is as bad as... 1404 01:22:24,980 --> 01:22:26,823 a shoemaker without a toilet seat. 1405 01:22:28,020 --> 01:22:29,863 Ah, I may have something for you. 1406 01:22:41,940 --> 01:22:43,305 It's very fragile. Look. 1407 01:22:43,500 --> 01:22:45,741 - You take care of that. - Wow, Grandpa. 1408 01:22:45,900 --> 01:22:47,504 Thank you so much. 1409 01:22:47,660 --> 01:22:49,150 - Cool. - Yeah. 1410 01:22:49,340 --> 01:22:52,344 Doesn't look like much, but that's a very special guitar. 1411 01:22:52,500 --> 01:22:55,390 - It was given to me by Bob Dillon. - The Bob Dylan? 1412 01:22:55,540 --> 01:22:56,871 No, a Bob Dillon. 1413 01:22:57,020 --> 01:22:59,068 D-I-L-L-O-N. 1414 01:22:59,260 --> 01:23:00,864 - An accountant friend of mine. - Oh. 1415 01:23:01,060 --> 01:23:03,427 But it was given to him by Jimmy Hendricks. 1416 01:23:03,580 --> 01:23:05,787 - The Jimi Hendrix? - No. 1417 01:23:06,100 --> 01:23:09,183 So how's the B-and-B business going? 1418 01:23:09,340 --> 01:23:12,628 Oh, we love it, are you kidding? It's a great fit for us. We love visitors. 1419 01:23:12,820 --> 01:23:15,790 We love having people around to care for. We're people people. 1420 01:23:15,940 --> 01:23:19,308 - Hey, guys. You mind if we join you? - We're occupied right now. Beat it. 1421 01:23:22,260 --> 01:23:24,911 Ah, it's getting late. Go to bed, okay? 1422 01:23:25,060 --> 01:23:26,710 - Okay. - Yeah. I'll run you upstairs. 1423 01:23:26,860 --> 01:23:30,581 - Good night, Grandma and Grandpa. Thank you. - Nighty-night. Sleep tight. 1424 01:23:31,700 --> 01:23:34,465 Ah, well, you've certainly had an adventure. 1425 01:23:34,620 --> 01:23:37,987 Well, yes. "Adventure" is one way to put it. 1426 01:23:38,580 --> 01:23:40,423 - How's Audrey? - Oh, she's great. 1427 01:23:40,900 --> 01:23:43,471 Yeah, she and Stone, they seem to be very happy. 1428 01:23:43,620 --> 01:23:45,031 Key word there is "seem." 1429 01:23:45,180 --> 01:23:48,184 - What do you mean? - Their marriage is a sham. 1430 01:23:48,340 --> 01:23:50,627 - What? - Well, they sleep around on each other. 1431 01:23:50,780 --> 01:23:53,147 - Been doing it for years. - Oh, my gosh. 1432 01:23:53,300 --> 01:23:58,591 I just wish Audrey had found a more solid marriage like you and Rusty. 1433 01:24:13,180 --> 01:24:15,182 Hey, Russ, can we talk? 1434 01:24:16,940 --> 01:24:20,183 I knew we had some problems. Is it this bad? 1435 01:24:21,540 --> 01:24:23,747 Is our marriage dying? 1436 01:24:23,900 --> 01:24:25,186 No. 1437 01:24:25,740 --> 01:24:28,311 No, a marriage only dies when you stop trying. 1438 01:24:28,460 --> 01:24:30,781 And you have never stopped trying. 1439 01:24:31,700 --> 01:24:33,190 I just think... 1440 01:24:33,340 --> 01:24:34,830 maybe I did. 1441 01:24:35,340 --> 01:24:36,387 What do you mean? 1442 01:24:37,220 --> 01:24:39,382 I've only been thinking about myself, you know? 1443 01:24:39,540 --> 01:24:42,589 I wanted to change the routine, and go on exotic trips and... 1444 01:24:42,780 --> 01:24:45,147 Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. 1445 01:24:46,660 --> 01:24:51,029 I was crazy to think I could make us closer by locking us in a car for a week. 1446 01:24:51,180 --> 01:24:53,148 No, but you were doing that for us. 1447 01:24:53,300 --> 01:24:58,750 You have been trying so hard to make this trip memorable for me and the kids... 1448 01:24:58,900 --> 01:25:01,471 - and I didn't appreciate that. - But why would you? 1449 01:25:01,620 --> 01:25:04,783 I mean, I've put you through some serious shit. 1450 01:25:04,940 --> 01:25:07,591 Literally, a pool of shit in Arkansas. 1451 01:25:10,580 --> 01:25:12,503 You deserve better. 1452 01:25:13,460 --> 01:25:15,542 What, better than you? 1453 01:25:15,900 --> 01:25:20,303 How many men would sacrifice their careers for their family like you have? 1454 01:25:20,620 --> 01:25:22,907 Oh, I didn't sacrifice anything. 1455 01:25:23,340 --> 01:25:25,547 I have everything I've ever wanted. 1456 01:25:38,060 --> 01:25:40,108 - Debbie. - Yeah? 1457 01:25:40,300 --> 01:25:43,190 Will you continue to be my wife? 1458 01:25:43,340 --> 01:25:45,308 I wondered when you'd give that back to me. 1459 01:25:45,460 --> 01:25:47,622 I was wondering if you still wanted it. 1460 01:25:47,780 --> 01:25:48,941 I do. 1461 01:25:56,940 --> 01:25:57,987 Wait a minute. 1462 01:25:58,140 --> 01:25:59,266 Are we gonna do this? 1463 01:25:59,420 --> 01:26:01,787 Oh, yeah. I'm gonna pound the shit out of you. 1464 01:26:01,940 --> 01:26:03,101 - Russ. - What? 1465 01:26:03,260 --> 01:26:04,705 Lock the door. 1466 01:26:04,860 --> 01:26:07,704 I'm gonna lock the shit out of that door. 1467 01:26:10,980 --> 01:26:13,460 - Hey, Dad. - Morning, Rusty. 1468 01:26:13,620 --> 01:26:17,830 Could you drive us to the airport this afternoon? There's a flight back to Chicago at 4. 1469 01:26:17,980 --> 01:26:19,391 Chicago? 1470 01:26:19,540 --> 01:26:21,269 What about Walley World? 1471 01:26:21,420 --> 01:26:24,788 Oh, no. We've, uh, had enough. 1472 01:26:24,940 --> 01:26:28,740 - This trip's been a nightmare. - Well, that's what family vacations are. 1473 01:26:28,900 --> 01:26:31,301 - But you can't give up, Russ. - Well, why not? 1474 01:26:31,460 --> 01:26:36,500 I mean, they always say "it's not the destination, it's the journey," right? 1475 01:26:36,660 --> 01:26:37,900 The journey sucks. 1476 01:26:38,060 --> 01:26:40,631 That's what makes you appreciate the destination. 1477 01:26:40,820 --> 01:26:43,187 You had a dream to take your family to Walley World. 1478 01:26:43,340 --> 01:26:45,468 Never let that go. 1479 01:26:45,620 --> 01:26:47,145 I know I didn't. 1480 01:26:51,420 --> 01:26:54,230 How would we even get to Walley World? We don't have a car. 1481 01:26:54,380 --> 01:26:55,825 Hey, come on. 1482 01:26:57,500 --> 01:26:59,025 You leave that to me. 1483 01:27:10,100 --> 01:27:11,784 Oops, wrong door. 1484 01:27:26,860 --> 01:27:28,862 Could I, uh, take the Nissan? 1485 01:27:29,020 --> 01:27:31,591 Ha, ha. No, no. 1486 01:27:43,140 --> 01:27:45,461 Wait, Dad, I thought we were going to the airport. 1487 01:27:45,620 --> 01:27:48,351 Boys, when your father makes you a promise, he keeps it. 1488 01:27:48,500 --> 01:27:50,548 - That's not right. - This sucks. 1489 01:28:10,660 --> 01:28:13,982 - Wow, this place is huge. - Ha, ha. 1490 01:28:14,140 --> 01:28:15,824 This is dope as fuck. 1491 01:28:15,980 --> 01:28:17,141 Kevin. 1492 01:28:17,900 --> 01:28:19,902 Told you you guys would love it, right? 1493 01:28:20,420 --> 01:28:21,626 Hey, Dad. 1494 01:28:22,980 --> 01:28:25,631 - It really is dope as fuck. - I know, right? 1495 01:28:25,780 --> 01:28:26,941 - Guys! - Oh, wait! 1496 01:28:32,220 --> 01:28:33,551 There she is. 1497 01:28:33,700 --> 01:28:35,350 The Velociraptor. 1498 01:28:35,980 --> 01:28:38,790 - I can't believe we actually made it. - Heh, I know. 1499 01:28:40,340 --> 01:28:42,741 - You guys ready for the ride of your life? - Oh, yeah. 1500 01:28:42,940 --> 01:28:45,227 If I'm being honest, it looks a little daunting. 1501 01:28:45,380 --> 01:28:47,906 - Come on. Race you to the ride. - Yeah, go, go! Faster! 1502 01:28:48,060 --> 01:28:49,300 Come on! 1503 01:29:02,900 --> 01:29:04,902 Two more hours, guys. 1504 01:29:09,460 --> 01:29:11,588 Oh, my gosh. 1505 01:29:11,740 --> 01:29:14,220 - All right, guys. Get psyched. - Yes. 1506 01:29:14,380 --> 01:29:16,826 This is it. This is why we came all this way. 1507 01:29:21,300 --> 01:29:22,870 Excuse us. 1508 01:29:24,220 --> 01:29:26,951 - What was that? - Last ride tonight. Park's closing. 1509 01:29:27,100 --> 01:29:28,511 - No, we were next. - What? 1510 01:29:30,460 --> 01:29:32,701 - That's not okay. - Should be a misunderstanding. 1511 01:29:32,980 --> 01:29:34,505 Hey, excuse me. 1512 01:29:34,700 --> 01:29:36,384 You just cut in front of us. 1513 01:29:36,900 --> 01:29:40,109 No, see, we bought the Platinum Pass so we get to skip the lines. 1514 01:29:40,260 --> 01:29:41,671 Fifth time today on this one. 1515 01:29:41,820 --> 01:29:46,701 Right, well, we just drove 2500 miles to ride this ride... 1516 01:29:47,140 --> 01:29:48,949 so you can't just take our spot. 1517 01:29:49,500 --> 01:29:51,025 Wait a minute, you... 1518 01:29:51,380 --> 01:29:52,506 Econo Air. 1519 01:29:52,660 --> 01:29:53,821 Yeah? 1520 01:29:54,340 --> 01:29:56,866 Good to see you. All right, I'll tell you what. 1521 01:29:57,020 --> 01:30:00,547 Why don't you and your family go fuck yourselves? 1522 01:30:05,820 --> 01:30:06,981 I'm sorry, guys. 1523 01:30:09,500 --> 01:30:10,661 Oh, my God! 1524 01:30:13,220 --> 01:30:14,346 Okay. 1525 01:30:14,740 --> 01:30:16,105 You're a dead man. 1526 01:30:24,860 --> 01:30:27,022 - Get off! - Oh, it's on. 1527 01:30:27,180 --> 01:30:28,227 Kevin, no! 1528 01:30:31,860 --> 01:30:33,271 No, you're not gonna fight. 1529 01:30:33,420 --> 01:30:36,185 - I'm not gonna stand here like a little bitch. - What? 1530 01:30:36,700 --> 01:30:37,781 Oh, shit. 1531 01:31:12,100 --> 01:31:14,944 No, Kevin. Kevin, no. Kevin, come on. 1532 01:31:17,460 --> 01:31:19,622 You people are fucking crazy. 1533 01:31:19,780 --> 01:31:22,670 - What kind of a family are you? - We're the Griswolds. 1534 01:31:22,820 --> 01:31:24,345 See you around... 1535 01:31:24,500 --> 01:31:26,343 you piece of ass. 1536 01:31:27,780 --> 01:31:29,191 - Let's do this. - All right. 1537 01:31:29,340 --> 01:31:33,026 - I haven't been in a fight like that for years. - First car, all right. 1538 01:31:33,820 --> 01:31:36,187 Man, our family fucked that family up. 1539 01:31:36,340 --> 01:31:39,105 - We did. - Did you see how I scratched that girl's arm? 1540 01:31:39,260 --> 01:31:41,786 Oh, I saw it, honey. You gave her a good scratch. 1541 01:31:41,940 --> 01:31:44,227 My fingers still hurt a little, but I'll be okay. 1542 01:31:44,380 --> 01:31:45,427 Oh, boy. Here we go. 1543 01:31:45,620 --> 01:31:47,622 - Hold on. - Oh, gosh! 1544 01:32:14,420 --> 01:32:20,401 There used to be A graying tower alone on the sea 1545 01:32:20,540 --> 01:32:27,264 You became The light on the dark side of me 1546 01:32:27,420 --> 01:32:33,826 Love remained A drug that's the high and not the pill 1547 01:32:33,980 --> 01:32:36,631 But did you know That when it snows 1548 01:32:36,780 --> 01:32:43,628 My eyes become large And the light that you shine can be seen? 1549 01:33:08,380 --> 01:33:10,462 - Russ? - Yeah? 1550 01:33:10,620 --> 01:33:13,510 Is it supposed to stay upside-down like this? 1551 01:33:13,660 --> 01:33:15,389 Yeah, I don't think so. 1552 01:33:15,580 --> 01:33:16,661 Oh. 1553 01:33:16,860 --> 01:33:18,749 Dad, are we stuck? 1554 01:33:19,020 --> 01:33:20,670 Looks that way, pal. 1555 01:33:21,700 --> 01:33:23,862 My eyes, they're starting to bulge. 1556 01:33:24,020 --> 01:33:25,943 I'm sure they'll have us down any minute. 1557 01:33:31,780 --> 01:33:35,341 Well, guys, what'd you think of Walley World? 1558 01:33:38,020 --> 01:33:39,146 Yeah. 1559 01:33:40,740 --> 01:33:44,870 Listen, boys, I can't tell you how much it's meant to me to spend all this time with you. 1560 01:33:45,340 --> 01:33:47,468 I love you more than anything in the world. 1561 01:33:47,660 --> 01:33:50,823 And if I could, I'd spend every single day with you. 1562 01:33:51,860 --> 01:33:53,464 So we'll see you in a week. 1563 01:33:54,420 --> 01:33:57,390 - Wait, what's going on? - Petersons will pick you up at O'Hare... 1564 01:33:57,540 --> 01:34:00,430 - and you'll stay with them. - Where are we going? 1565 01:34:00,620 --> 01:34:03,590 Someplace I should've taken you a long time ago. 1566 01:34:03,740 --> 01:34:06,027 How did you get free tickets to Paris? 1567 01:34:06,220 --> 01:34:08,029 I used my connections as a pilot. 1568 01:34:08,220 --> 01:34:10,507 Oh, you're amazing, heh. 1569 01:34:11,180 --> 01:34:16,145 Well, you are my queen, and you deserve to be treated like one. 1570 01:34:20,580 --> 01:34:23,789 I know it's not exactly first-class... 1571 01:34:24,180 --> 01:34:26,467 - or coach... - Honey... 1572 01:34:26,700 --> 01:34:29,306 - it's perfect. - Yeah? 1573 01:34:39,620 --> 01:34:40,701 So... 1574 01:34:41,100 --> 01:34:42,340 how long is the flight? 1575 01:34:42,500 --> 01:34:44,531 Twelve hours. 1576 01:34:45,300 --> 01:34:46,631 Perfect.