Alright, so you guys wanna hear the story or what?
- Yeah. - Let's go.
Hmm? Hmm?
Let's go, let's go.
Alright, here we go.
Here we go, here we go.
So we're at Ceres, right?
Which was the, the bar at the bottom of
the Board of Trade building, right?
Just this little bar in the lobby, right?
The thing is, the place opened at like 6:30 in the morning
so that when traders, when they lost their ass
when the market opened, they could just,
you know, they could walk over and just get fuckin' hammered
in this little fucking bar.
Anyway, the name Ceres,
it was named after
the Goddess of Agriculture.
- Sorry. - You and your fucking stories.
Someone's jealous they weren't invited, huh?
I would not have gone.
You would've fuckin' gone.
Hey, Carmy, do some parm.
Yeah, I got you. I got you.
Anyway, on top of the building,
there was like a statue of Ceres and her back,
for all of you historians,
was facing towards the east.
And that's because all the trading
had just moved to the Midwest.
So the architect, John Storrs, legend has it,
he built this statue... It was like a, It was like a big "fuck you."
Christ, wake me up when the story starts
and the fucking class is dismissed.
He's trying to tell his story.
I'm trying to tell the fucking story.
So anyway... Just let me add this.
Anyway, so, the point is we're out all night,
we're drunk as shit, we're fuckin' high as shit.
We figured the only place that's still open,
of course, Ceres!
And being 6:45 in the morning,
we are right to assume that the place
is gonna be a fuckin' ghost town, right?
- No, no, no. Fuck off. - Yo, get the fuck outta here
with those raisins.
Mom always added raisins!
We are not fucking doing raisins.
Anyway, Cousin, was it a ghost town?
It was not a ghost town.
Not only was it not a ghost town,
it was a fucking rager.
It was fucking packed!
- It was just like. - Right?
All fuckin' Blackhawk fans,
and, Cousin, who was there?
- Savvy. - Oh!
- Get the fuck outta here! - Fucking Savvy!
- Denis motherfucking Savard. - Number 18!
In the house!
- Okay. - But not only that.
No, no, no. It does not stop there.
Chelios fuckin' Belfour, let's go!
- Right? - Okay, that's cool.
The night before, Savvy had gotten inducted
into the fuckin' Hockey Hall of Fame.
We walk into this giant fuckin' party.
I mean, it's going off, right?
A fucking brouhaha.
And this motherfucker,
he somehow, this curious fellow,
he somehow gets his hands on... What was it?
It was like a, It was like a Ceres pamphlet or some shit?
Yeah, it was behind the bar.
- Right, so he's... - Behind the bar.
He's reading aloud about the history
of the Goddess of Agriculture,
and somehow in that process he somehow decides
that he too has this deep connection to, uh, to agriculture, right?
So he takes out his phone,
and he starts leaving this outgoing message, right?
What was the fuckin' message?
"Hi, you have reached the voicemail
"of Richie Jerimovich,
the Goddess of Agriculture."
So fuckin' stupid.
That shit is genius!
So the goddess over here,
he's trying to leave this message,
but he's a puddle, he keeps fucking up.
It's just getting louder and louder and louder,
and somehow with all the cacophony
and all the fuckin' nonsense,
with all the fuckin' hullabaloo,
we hear this fuckin' voice ring out,
and the voice says, "What are you doing?"
Right?
And right in front of us, this guy,
he turns around, who was it?
- Bill Murray! Bill Murray! - What?
Of course, it's Bill Murray.
Bill fuckin' Murray! He's right there.
Bill fucking Murray actually says to Richie,
he says to him, he goes, "Why are you doing that?"
And Richie says, "Because it's funny."
He fucking says that to Bill Murray, "Because it's funny."
And Bill Murray says, "No, no."
- "No, it's not." - "That is not funny."
He goes, "Give me your phone."
Yeah, yep.
And then he goes...
"What's your name?"
Right?
I mean, Bill Murray says this to me.
The king.
Fuckin' Bill Murray.
Yeah, no, I understand who that is.
If you call me, you can hear it.
- I get it. - Call me.
- I-I-I... - I still got it.
- I believe you... - It's still on my phone.
I'm good.
- Really? - Thank you.
You don't wanna hear it?
You guys were at a bar at 6:45 in the morning?
Uh...
Yeah, but, I mea...
The, the whole point of it is...
Who are the real-world Illuminati? Find out @ saveanilluminati.com
Okay, there we go. That's a good picture. - Checks!
That's better.
She has nice eyes.
She does have nice eyes.
No sense of humor, you know.
- And even worse, Tina, I'll tell you... - Behind.
even actually much worse,
- it's like she got no... - Behind.
no sense of Chicago history, you know what I'm saying?
Whatever, other fish in the sea.
See you in another galaxy, puta.
Yo, listen up!
Okay, I just yelled like that?
Yeah, make it worth it.
Take this green tape off before it gets to us.
It takes five seconds,
'cause once it's soapy and our fingers are pruned,
we can't fuck with this shit, cool?
Yes, Chef!
Thank you for your time.
Two hours to open, Chefs.
- Here, Chef, I think this new dish is dialed. - Great.
- Can we jam on that later? - It's what we were talking about.
- That elevated... - Later is better for me, Chef.
the risotto with etouffee stock.
Hey, T, watch those peppers.
It's easily adaptable,
we can make it for a great to-go.
Are you saying "risotto to-go" to me?
I am barely convinced
we're ready for to-go at all at this point.
I'm just saying if you should dine in,
dine out, plus we're using ingredients
that are just lying around here.
It's pretty smart, let's just try it.
- I don't understand. It's right here. - Chef. Chef.
- You can have a taste.
Hey, listen to me, please.
One, I'm thinking about it.
So hold on, please. Okay?
Two, I know everybody you used to work for,
I called them before hiring you.
And why'd you do that?
Because your resume is excellent and this place is not.
Everybody said you are incredibly smart,
you are incredibly talented.
They also said you are incredibly inpatient
and incredibly green.
Okay, so that's why my business couldn't cut it,
that's why I'm here, that's why you...
That's not what I'm saying, no.
So, So what are you saying?
I'm saying, give me a minute.
Yes, Chef.
Okay. Now, can you make this work
- without ruining the flow? - Yes, Chef.
Did you talk to Manny and Angel?
- Yes, I spoke with them... - They're gonna have a shit-fit...
- already, Chef. - with the pans, okay?
Now, so you know where I'm coming from.
We have finally gotten this to a place
where things are sort of, kind of a little bit chill, right?
I would like to hold on to that as long as I possibly can.
God damn it, Carmy!
Hey, did you get it?
What, What exactly is it I'm-I'm-I'm looking for?
Oh, wow. You are special.
- Yeah. - You know, there is something
called the Internal Revenue Service
and they collect taxes from human beings.
I know this, Natalie.
Yeah, and the people in this place,
they haven't given that government organization anything
in five years.
And somehow I'm a co-owner in this nightmare
and my home will be seized if I don't give them some money.
Okay, so I've spent the last few days
on top of my other job and my life
getting all of your documents in order,
so I can reach an agreement with them
to pay a smaller amount.
So I'm gonna need you to go in there
and to get the payroll records from 2018.
Can you do that for me, please?
- I can do that. I can do that. - Thank you.
Who's, uh, seizing your house, Shug?
Ugh. The IRS, Rich.
Tax shit... Yikes.
- You're yikes. - Yikes.
Okay, go, Carmy.
I know. I know exactly where it is, alright?
Thank you.
Fuck you!
Wait a minute, it's a fuck you.
Why the hell would he organize it like this?
I don't know. I'll ask him when he's not dead.
Ass.
Should I be wearing a gas mask?
No, man, you're good.
Who's that?
Hmm?
Oh, that's Richard Hart.
Hart Bageri in Copenhagen.
That's a bad motherfucker.
Cool.
You good, man?
Yeah, you?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, if you need anything, like whatever, you know.
Like what?
I don't know, like...
Ah, fuck it.
Look, man... when I tried out for the Cubs,
I was playing on the farm team and they wouldn't put me up,
and I was broke.
And I got pretty good at... figuring out places to stay.
Bro, I'm... What? I'm not homeless.
Then what's up with the nest?
Oh, I just started sleeping here
so I could save time on my commute.
I'm just so close to nailing these donuts
and they gotta be perfect.
Okay, good.
So you're a psychopath, cool.
I just want them to be perfect.
You want perfection, bro?
Start with a shower.
It's not even that bad.
Wait, you used to play for the fucking Cubs?
You good?
Yo.
You okay?
Yeah.
It feels weird out there.
Bar closed.
You go there a lot, or...
Nah.
The owner and I don't really see eye to eye.
- Huh. - But nice to know it was there, you know.
It was like a fixture.
Yeah, like Logan...
Wicker... Pilsen.
Yep.
They all suck now.
They're different.
Yeah, they are different.
That's why I keep telling you guys,
stop fuckin' with this place.
You know, you let up a little bit...
everything changes.
You know, you don't realize
this is a delicate ecosystem...
and it's held together by a shared history,
and love and respect.
There's this statue on top of the Board of Trade,
goddess, right?
She has no face.
People are like, "Where the fuck's her face?"
An, uh, a-architect John Storrs, right?
John Storrs goes, "Well, when we put it up there,
"it was the tallest building in the city
"and no one really gonna see her face,
so we didn't bother to put one."
But now, every goddamn building is taller than the next one
and they all just look out at this chick with no face
and it's just...
Yo, what the fuck?
Are you fucking kidding me?
- Is everybody alright? - You good?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Mother fuck!
- Everybody okay, yeah? - Yeah.
- Sounds like a pistol. - Everybody straight?
The fuck is going on around here?
Yo, Richie, don't go out there.
What you doing, bro?
It's getting crazy out here.
Hey, yo. Crooked John.
What's up?
You guys see who shot up my window?
I didn't see it, man.
It scared the shit out of me though.
Sounded like a little marble.
Yeah, right?
Probably some dumb-ass kid fucking with his mom's 22.
Listen, man.
You know, you guys aren't supposed to be hanging out here.
I asked you to hang out down there.
Yeah, don't call the cops.
John... Don't hurt my feelings.
How long have you known me?
Alright, I do not give a fuck what you do
or who you do it with.
All I ask is you do it over there
and, you know, keep it at a reasonable volume.
But we can't chill over there, man.
Why can't you chill over there?
- It's dangerous. - Dangerous?
But you motherfuckers have weapons on you.
It's a different dangerous. Construction dangerous.
The vent went cold, the whole shit's gutted.
They're building a Sweetgreen.
Are you fucking kidding me right now?
You know, the bar's closed too.
It's getting ugly.
Alright, I'll tell you what, do me a favor, okay?
Ask around, and see if you can sniff out
who shot up my shit.
- Check Alice. Alright? - Okay.
In exchange, you guys can hang out here,
but low pro, alright?
I don't want any noise.
I don't want any fucking gangster shit popping off.
I don't want anything that's gonna freak out my customers, okay?
- Alright, alright. - You dig?
- Dug. Respect, alright? - Alright.
Thanks, pal.
You all heard him. Okay?
- Wow, I love coming here.
- Are you okay? - Hmm, yeah, you?
Yeah. Fuck, I don't even know anymore.
Should we call the cops?
No.
They're sweeping glass up.
I know.
- Tuesday afternoon? - Sugar.
I'm gonna lose my house.
Don't co-sign for a drug addict.
Forty-five minutes to open, Chefs!
Yes, Chef.
Keep not processing trauma, Carm.
Dude, what? I can't close.
Yeah, just keep working. It's like nothing ever happened.
A window got shot out, everybody is fine, the end.
'Cause that's what I'm talking about.
- Natalie. - Carmy.
You're pissing me off.
And you're pissing me off!
Fucking go.
What?
I didn't say anything.
Did you find, uh, Sugar's...
I don't know...
No. No, I didn't find it.
Yeah.
Paperwork's not really my jam.
Me neither.
They didn't teach you accounting at, uh... Noma?
They teach you at DeVry?
Yeah.
What is that, oven?
No.
No, it was, um...
Michael's 15th birthday party.
Jan-Carlo and Fak got into a fight,
I tried to break it up, I fell into the barbecue.
Fak.
Is there a name for that thing where
you're afraid of something good happening
'cause you think something bad's gonna happen?
I don't know.
Life?
Other night my kid asked me if
my real last name is "Bad News."
Bad News. Like Bad News Bears?
I guess I'm in her mom's phone as "Richie Bad News."
I go...
Tiff, "What the fuck?"
You know.
She says I'm contagious,
I only call with bad news.
Maybe that's not what you're talking about.
Fuck, I don't know.
Fuck it all.
Alright, put me outta my misery.
Flip it, T.
Hey, look alive, Chefs, we open.
Ba-da-ra-ka. Let's go.
Alright. Come on, step right in. Let's go.
Oh, shit, it's the man with the golden dick.
How are you, Tom?
Good to see you, bro.
Let me get one beef, little hot, little sweet, dip it!
Thanks, Tom.
How is that dog of yours, by the way?
Okay, man?
Got the, the thing off, the cone and everything off?
How are you?
Damn, Chef!
Mm!
Brava.
Thanks, Chef.
Alright, Ebra and Richie are out front.
Tina, you're floating. We good back here, Chefs?
- Yes, Chef. - Alright, shit.
We better watch the heat on the stove, guys.
Those chickens are coming out pretty dark, yeah?
Yo, Sweeps, when was the last time you cleaned out the grease trap?
- It's getting backed up in there. - I'll get to it.
- Still dealing with the circuit breaker. - Thank you, Chef.
Alright, Chef, you think now might be a good time
for you to try this?
Yes, thank you for asking.
Yes.
- This one? - Yes.
It's tremendous, Chef.
Thank you, Chef.
Sauce is a little bit tight.
Yeah, heard, thank you.
Mm! Mm-hmm!
Um, do you think maybe so...
- Fire. - Thank you.
Uh...
Maybe we start rolling it out as a special soon?
- See how it plays. - It's getting closer, yeah.
How... How close?
I told you it was great.
You actually said "tremendous," if you remember.
I didn't tell you it was perfect.
Well, yeah.
I mean, you know, I-I like it.
I think it's great and I'll definitely loosen up the sauce.
- Sydney... Sydney. - Just, you know, I don't understand.
Chef, it's not ready yet.
You understand?
Yes, Chef, I understand.
- Thank you, Chef. - Thank you, Chef.
Hi, um, these are Cola-braised short ribs with risotto,
and they're yours.
- Really? - Yep, I had an extra.
And I'm Sydney, if you need anything else.
Well, thank you, Sydney.
Have a good day.
Hey, Sugar, maybe it's not here.
- No, it's here. - All right.
I knew it was dumb to co-sign, FYI.
I would've done the same thing.
- You wanna fight? - Please.
- I know you're mad at me. - This is just irresponsible.
No, no, no, no. I mean, at your house, all that stuff you said.
I was annoyed.
Yeah, clearly.
Ah, look, I think the thing that just pisses me off,
is, is the thing that I'm probably too embarrassed to admit.
Is that you never ask me how I'm doing.
Like ever.
I know it's childish, but...
that's why I'm mad at you...
I think.
Plus, we never spend any real time together.
This place is eating you alive, you know.
You always blame this place.
What do you mean?
I mean, you blame the restaurant, right?
You don't blame Mom, you don't blame Mikey.
How can I not blame this place?
I just cleaned up shot-out glass
and now I'm covered in carbon.
All of our time, money, work,
gets sucked up into this place.
The only thing we get back is chaos, resentment.
It's bullshit.
Sounds like Mom.
- I'm serious. - I'm serious.
I just want things to be calm.
I just want things to be on solid ground.
- I-I-I want things to feel... - Consistent.
Yeah, consistent.
Yeah.
That's totally reasonable.
Well...
I appreciate you saying that.
Um...
I guess all the time I feel like I'm kind of trapped
because I can't describe... how I'm feeling.
So to ask somebody else how they're feeling,
that just seems, uh...
I don't know, insane?
Okay.
But I'm sorry, you know, you're um...
you're right. I wanna know how you're feeling.
How are you feeling?
Really good.
Just great.
Right.
Yo. Yo, is this it?
Uh...
- Y-Yeah. - Yeah.
- Right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just, uh...
- sitting in this file labeled... - "Shit."
Hey. Checks.
The lowboys look great, guys.
Oh shit! What's he doing?
What's going on with these edges, Chef?
You gotta be cleaner than that.
This knife is shit.
Okay, well, you gotta sharpen it.
When was the last time you sharpened it?
Fuck! Where's my gun?
Any of you motherfuckers take my gun?
Carmy!
What? You know I stay here.
Huh? Fuck me!
He's gonna get him!
Um... Uh...
Hello. Everyone, uh, thank you so much
for your patronage.
Everything's under control.
Um, please enjoy your beefs. Focus on that.
Uh, Chicago, am I right?
Hey, guys!
Hey! Guys!
Guys! Shut up! Please.
Thank you.
What's going on here?
This isn't his space.
Yeah, 'cause you're...
Hey! Hey!
Can we lower our voices, please?
Thank you.
I'm Sydney, let's start there.
I'm Sydney.
John.
Mr. Carl.
Okay, Mr. Carl and John.
Hello, associates, good afternoon.
Uh...
Fuck!
- We didn't take your gun, bro. - Fuck!
Shit.
You apparently know Tina and Gary as well.
Great, so now we all are in various states
of knowing each other.
Cool, okay.
So... So, how do we fix this?
Can't be fixed because this guy's a bitch.
Oh, you fuckin' said it for the last time.
No! No!
- Alright, so we do this every week, yeah?
Sandwiches, civil conversation, no yelling,
no, no smoking where all the food is.
- You know what I mean, alright? - Okay.
- Gonna need a pop too.
Wash down the sandwiches.
RC, Green River, whatever we're working with.
Sure. Great.
Deal only applies to the guys that's out here right now,
so don't go telling your auntie, brother, cousins, friends
to come down here every Tuesday, okay?
- Cool. - Alright.
Cool. Okay, so we good?
Great, you guys take these. I'mma get more of these.
Wild, man. Stay safe out here, G.
Hey, fancy now, my guy?
Yeah, man, real fancy.
This is exactly what happens when you
sweep the Padres but fail the drug test.
Ooh!
It's handled.
Alright, you think we can handle this, Mr. Carl?
Okay.
This fuckin' goon, he pulls up again, right?
Tina, now, this is the third stoplight, right...
Let me get, uh, two dogs, two chickens, four all day, please!
Two dogs, two chickens, four all day.
So finally I roll down the window, right?
And I'm like, "Guy, take a breath, it's a fuckin' Honda,
let's just chill for a second."
Sorry about that, but you're gonna love this next shit.
- Listen to this... - Yeah. I-I-I...
- I'm rocking in here, I'm rocking. - Oh, you rocking?
- Richie, I need you on register... - Yeah, one second here.
Let me just fuckin' tell this story.
- Richie! - Just one second here.
- Richie! - Yeah, one second.
- Richie, now. - Yo!
Will you shut the fuck up for a second!
- Richard, outside! - Outside now.
Damnit, I'm gonna throw some shit at you.
You remember, T, this place used to be cool, man.
You need to go home and cool off.
- What? - You need to get outta here.
You are fuckin' my shit up.
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
I feel like I'm on a different fucking planet right now.
My, My game has improved 300% in two months.
This, This place is, is organized,
and, and, and clean, and, and smooth, and...
Yo, I love Mikey.
You know how much I love that kid,
but, this...
this is real and alive, and...
And what?
And good.
It's good.
Tina.
They're kids, you know.
She doesn't understand. She's a baby, you know.
Walking around thinking that she can handle shit.
This is a delicate fuckin' ecosystem!
I don't need this right now, I really don't.
I cannot fuckin' emphasize enough
how much I don't fuckin' need this shit right now.
I'mma quit.
Quit?
And where you gonna go, Richie?
Where you gonna go?
Alright, let's 86 the ravioli, please, Chefs.
86 ravioli, Chef.
Behind you.
On it, Chef.
Alright.
Alright, can I get two chicken, three beef,
all day, please?
Two chicken, three beef, all day, Chef!
Thank you, Chefs.
I even wanna know what happened out there?
No, you do not.
I just gave some people some leftovers.
Listen, uh, I'm sorry if I was shitty earlier today.
It's all good.
- Yeah? - Hmm.
Can I get two more chicken and peppers, please?
With greens, that's four all day.
Can I hear four all day, please?
Four all day, Chef!
Thank you, Chefs.
Yo, there's VIP on 21, it's Tom Skilling!
So can I get a dessert drop, please?
Yo, Marcus, you hear me?
- Hmm? - Dessert drop.
- Yes, Chef. - Say it back. Please, Chefs!
Okay, we got four beefs here. We need 'em out front, please.
I love this tempo though. Let's keep it up.
Let's take it up another level. More urgency, please.
- Can I get hands, please? - Hands.
Chef Sydney, three chicken up.
Thank you, Chef.
Can I get hands, please?
Hands!
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