It's too much garlic.
- You're telling me it's too much garlic? - Why don't you tell me, Carm?
Yeah, it's too much.
What did I say?
You know, that thing that, uh… Um…
It didn't… You know, it didn't work out, so…
Which thing?
Rental cars.
The thing. Yeah.
Sorry.
- Can I ask you something? - For fuck's sake, Carm.
- What, dude? Like, what? - What?
- What were you gonna say? - Forget it, Mike.
"Everybody thought it was stupid. You do this all the time.
- You fucking…" What were you gonna say? - No. Mike.
I was gonna ask if you gave a shit about it.
If I give a shit about what, Carm? Fucking what people say?
- No, I don't give a shit about that. - No.
If you just gave a shit about the rental car business.
I don't… I don't… No.
No, I don't give a shit about that.
You need to stir that. I mean, for Christ's sake, I hear it sticking.
All right.
How'd you raise the money?
Second time you asked me that.
It's the second time you didn't answer.
You need money, Carm?
What if I wanted to open a restaurant?
- What the fuck is that? - What?
- Why a restaurant? - Why not a restaurant?
- You already have a restaurant. - But this would be a different restaurant.
Tell me more.
Look, every one of our good memories, they happen in restaurants, right?
Like the Homer's Ice Cream after baseball.
Uh…
You know, Omega, after that weird birthday party with Mom.
- You know, we couldn't stop laughing. - Yeah, fuckin…
Look, like, all this good shit, it happened to us in restaurants
'cause restaurants are special places, right?
Yeah.
And people go to restaurants to be taken care of.
All right? They go to restaurants to celebrate, to relax,
to not have to think about anything else for a minute.
Now, people go to restaurants to feel less lonely.
You know, even Dad.
What do you mean "Dad"?
I don't know. The only time I can remember him being even remotely happy,
was when he would talk about that, uh, Irish place you love so much.
You remember that? Jesus Christ.
What?
You remember that place? You remember what it's called?
- No, I don't remember. - It was a shithole.
It smelled like a dumpster. It was fucking hell.
- Well, he loved it. - Yeah.
Do you, like, do that? You think about Pop?
What was he like?
Um…
I don't know, like…
Like, when was the last time you talked to him?
- I don't know. - Yeah.
You feel that?
That's pretty much it.
Carmy, that's what he's like.
He was an asshole.
- Well, everybody loves restaurants. - Hmm.
- Even assholes. - I don't know, man.
I'm in a restaurant every single fucking day of my life.
I've definitely met thousands of people who definitely do not love restaurants.
- They would love ours. - Why is that?
- Because it would be ours. - Carmy, listen.
Just because you've, like, been to fucking Napa, you know,
it doesn't make this a not-fucked business.
- Just because you put grass on plates… - I know that.
- …and fucking, it's like… - I know that. It's fucking hard.
- Right? It's fucking hard. - You have no fucking idea.
And that's what makes it special, right?
It's fucking hard… …and it's gnarly,
and it's brutal, and it's specific,
and not everybody can do it.
- That's right. - But I can do it, Mike.
Look, we could do this.
Right? We could take care of people.
We can make it calm. We can make it delicious.
We could play good music.
People would want to come in there to celebrate. All right?
They'd want to come in there after they had great days.
And they'd want to come in there even more after they had shitty ones.
We can make people happy, Mike.
You and me?
Yeah, you and me.
You, like…
You really thought about this, huh?
- I know what it smells like. - Mmm.
What do you call it?
We could call it Mikey's.
I think…
I think I got a better one.
Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.
Hello? Hello!
You know,
some guys would look at this glass and they would say,
"You know, that glass is half empty."
Other guys would say, "That glass is half full."
I think of you as a "glass is half-empty" kind of guy. Am I right?
What would you do if you were stuck in one place,
and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?
You're gonna have to be a little more specific.
I, um…
I wasn't good enough, and I need to be better.
Okay, I-I don't know if that's the takeaway.
What's the takeaway?
Uh…
The Trib ate here three times at three different restaurants.
And the food sounded good.
Sometimes.
They didn't like the vibe.
They didn't like the chaos. And yeah, frankly, I don't know if I do either.
You think I like chaos?
I mean, I…
I think you think you needed to be talented.
You would be just as good. You would be great.
You know… Maybe even better of, you know, a cook
without this need for, like, mess.
Congrats. That knocked the wind right out of me.
- Well, you don't need it. - Air?
Dysfunction.
You're shutting down.
I can feel you shutting down.
You can feel it in this place.
I have no idea, like, where you are.
I don't like dysfunction.
Okay, well, what do you like?
I like this.
Okay, that was, like, maybe the most miserable delivery
of someone liking something, I think, ever.
Yeah, I told you I'm trying to be better.
Okay. Maybe just try to be less miserable first.
That hurt.
Good.
Okay. So, uh, what happened with the bear?
Review kicked me in the nards.
- No. I mean the bear at the store. - What'd she tell you happened?
She came home from your house, and now she thinks you're mad at her.
No, no, no. No. Let me tell you…
She wanted a bear that cost a hundred bucks, and I said no.
And then she got pissed, and I didn't back down.
Okay, cool. That's all you gotta say.
She said she deserved it.
And I wasn't taking "no" for an answer, and I don't know.
Does Frank buy her a lot of shit?
Maybe you guys just parent differently now, and I'm out of the loop, maybe.
What are you talking about?
Look, I try to establish and set rules
by fostering an independence to help her develop self-control.
- Cool. - Not unlike the way I run my business.
Mm-hmm. She's seven, Richard.
You know what, Tiff, I'm sorry. I gotta take this. I'll call you back.
Fuck.
Anybody know where the…
How about you stare at it for one more minute and then we throw it away?
Throw it away now. I'm good.
Gladly.
- Yo. - Yo.
You good?
You ever feel like you're stuck in the same day, like, over and over again?
Like Groundhog Day?
Yeah, like you can't get to tomorrow.
I have before.
Yeah, what'd you do? Like, how'd you… how'd you fix it?
Well, started working here.
I tried that.
Excellent.
Ma'am.
- Sir. - What's going on out here?
Creating opportunity.
All right. A new system?
For me, yes. And setting up new delivery app.
And trying to keep the window as busy as possible.
No problem there. The review loved your sandwiches. Nice work.
They liked other things too.
Yeah, maybe.
I gotta get faster.
The review said the pasta was late.
All three visits. I've been fucking up, man.
Well, we're in a new system.
They should have reviewed in a few weeks.
I feel like the only way I can look at it is like, I gotta get my head in the game.
I gotta focus. I gotta get faster, you know?
Take some of the positive, take some of the negative.
Head down, good work. That's my system.
Good system, sir.
System, baby.
Yeah.
- Morning, sports fans. - Hi.
- Hi, Mr. Kalinowski. Computer. - Hi, honey.
- Hey, Syd. - There's something we want to show you.
- Tremendous. - Computer, display.
- Outlet? - Uh, yeah. Right there.
Sorry, Nat keeps calling.
Yo, yeah. I think I know what this is about. I've got Unc and Computer here.
So I'm gonna put you on speaker. Is that all right? Okay, one sec.
- Hi, Sug. - Hi.
- My sweet darlin'.
I can probably guess what's going on over there.
I don't know if you could. We've got Computer plugging a clock into the wall.
Uh, why?
Why are you plugging a clock into the wall?
Props are proven to be effective.
Uh, anybody read anything good lately?
Just curious.
Okay, moving on, moving on.
This clock is displaying 1,440 hours.
Anybody know how long that is?
- Three months. - Two months.
- Fuck me. - Neph, I don't know what you're worse at,
math or calling people back.
Anyway, that clock is telling you officially how much money we have left.
Okay, but we've got ten months to pay you back.
- Nine months. - Nine months.
- Jesus Christ. - Which leaves a gap of?
S…
Seven months.
Okay. So?
Computer, um, say it a different way.
We have an option in the deal.
If the business starts to bleed profusely, we're allowed to act.
Act? So what does that mean?
It's just a tourniquet, buddy. When that clock shows zero,
this restaurant needs to, uh, cease operations.
Really sorry.
- Sydney. - Okay.
Am I wrong though in thinking that two months
is actually a pretty good parachute.
- Yeah, I agree. - No, no, you're both right.
Then what's the problem?
First off, it's fine to "okay parachute,"
for which we owe a great deal of praise to the gentleman running The Beef window,
'cause that business is shockingly rocking.
Secondly, this parachute doesn't take into consideration any repayment of loans,
produce terms, and delivery terms,
- reservation no-shows. - Mmm.
My sampling shows no growth or escalation, which is the sign of a dead business.
Third, you're talking about a healthy parachute.
- This is not that. - What's making our parachute unhealthy?
- Yeah. - Full of holes.
What kind of holes are we talking about?
Fucking bazooka-sized holes, courtesy of Chicago fucking Trib.
Well, there were nice words.
Absolutely, but there were also words like "confusing" and "show-off-y."
- And "dissonance." - Mm-hmm.
Tell me, Nicholas, what does that word mean to you personally?
Harmonically fucked, James.
Computer. What are you telling us?
- Did you read my charts? - Absolutely not.
I color coded them for you.
Well, I tried, and no offense, the colors were weird and it was depressing.
- Yeah, I read the charts. - And?
They got depressing.
Right, so, you know, unless there's a marked difference,
like a giant fucking difference, like, "Holy shit, that changes everything.
That's a gigantic fucking change."
If that doesn't happen, this is this.
Clock runs out, you close a month ago.
- Unc, is this real? - I'm so sorry, darlin'.
I got to put the restaurant back on the market. Try and recoup something.
I like to bring about the inevitable instantly,
- unlike my partner over here… - Shut the fuck up.
…who would drag the thing along like a kid's wagon
- that doesn't have its wheels on anymore. - Shut up!
Oh, shit.
What's this?
Yeah, what's going on? Hey, Computer. Hey, Unc.
- Greetings, Neil. - Hi, my love.
- Hey, Nat. - Hey, Sugar Bear.
- Anybody care to catch these two up? - We have a two-month parachute.
- Sick. - No, wrong.
- Why wrong? - Holes.
- What kind of holes? - Big ones, honey.
Once the parachute runs out, they're suggesting…
No, not suggesting. Telling.
They're telling us that we're gonna have to close the restaurant,
because after that point…
Would be like beating a dead horse.
Yeah, like blasting a fucking wet crap all over it before you throw it off a cliff.
Then running it over with a Panzer tank.
Before you set it on fire and run it through the fucking wood chipper.
And then scraping it up, then drowning it.
- After which… - I think we get it.
Just, thank you, though.
May I speak for a moment?
Please.
Um…
All right. Uncle J, Uncle Computer.
Am I correct to assume that this presentation
has something to do with a little unsavory article in the paper of record?
- Would be safe to assume that. Yeah. - All right.
This is what I wanna say. This, um…
Just like we practiced.
All right, um…
I read that article very carefully.
Uh, I admit, initially, I did bristle and dismiss it
as the musings of some "scustumad" millennial jagoff.
No offense.
But upon reflection and, uh, further rereading and a cigarette,
I realized that there was a lot of truth in that article.
Some bullshit but also a lot of truth.
Uh, I've been doing a lot of work on myself.
I don't think that's a secret. And, um, it made me realize that I…
I'm dropping the ball. All right? There's no excuse.
That man came in three times. I should have known it.
Not 'cause he's a critic. Because he's a repeat guest.
There's no excuse for that. And I am very, very sorry.
- Richie, stop. Hold on. Stop. - I appreciate that.
- No. Richie. - I think I should be the one
that's taking the blame.
Enough of martyr Carmen. Let me just finish.
- I'm trying to tell you it's my fault. - But you're not listening to me.
No, you're not listening.
- Okay, bye. - I'm the one changing the menu.
I didn't get to the point…
- I'm telling you I'm doing… - I hired people to help me.
Stop hiring… fucking hiring people!
Everybody quit. I needed to replace them. That's science.
- Who quit? - Eric, Debbie and David.
Who the fuck are Eric, Debbie and David?
Debbie was really nice to me, and then Eric's kinda whatever.
- But David is the best. - Fuckin' dissonance, bro.
Okay.
- What about when we get the star? - If.
If we get the star.
Right?
Yeah, as strange as it seems.
What, the sound of her laughter may sing in your dreams?
Oh, Rodgers and Hammerstein. 1958, '58.
Yeah, '58.
I'm serious.
Carmen, this has never been more serious. Okay? Never ever.
We're gonna get the star.
Well, you got that amount of time to get it.
- Yo, Uncle Computer. - Yo, Chuck.
I wanna let you know we got a robot.
So nobody freak out when you see it riding around outside.
- We're listening. - His name's Chuckie.
And what does Chuckie do?
Chuckie delivers. I got it for free with a delivery app.
- Delivery app? - Excellent work.
- Nice work. - Carry on.
Thank you, Chef.
So, just so we're clear, nobody can spend any more money, right?
I'm looking right at you, Richard.
- Chuck's buying droids. - It was free.
- Fucking gratis. - Look, I'm not hiring anybody else, okay?
Anybody else? Who'd you hire?
Nonnegotiables.
So…
what seems to be the biggest issue?
Whatever this is.
Holes. Like, holes.
Got it. Let's start with signals.
We're gonna communicate without saying anything.
How do we do that?
If I'm making direct eye contact, and I make this motion, you come to me.
- How do I know you're looking at me? - Because he's looking right at you.
- Thank you, Gary. - Got it.
- Chefs Carmen and Sydney. - Chef.
Can you devote a daily 20-minute meeting to discuss menu with all staff?
Yes, Chef.
And then, uh, paupiette of Dover sole with artichoke and white truffle. Good?
Um, maybe again. Slower.
Next up is the wine list.
Gary, feeling good about pairings?
Yes, Chef.
The years are getting tricky.
How are you doing with what goes with what?
I'm getting better at it. It's just the class is so technical.
A lot of stuff is just going over my head.
Mmm.
I have a friend I want you to see.
Okay. I got one.
Yes, Mr. Kalinowski.
What happens if a four-top cancels day of, like, happened just fucking now?
- Shit. - Fuck.
- It's fine. We're overbooked. - We don't overbook.
I know. I do.
Computer, your chart suggests midweek we average two no-shows a night,
- so I'm gonna overbook by two tables. - What if everyone shows?
They call that a champagne problem.
Go, Chuckie, go.
- What's this? - Green means we're on time.
Red means we're behind.
- Green good, red bad. - You got it.
Okay.
We're also gonna have a timing problem.
One's for the night. One's for the turn. One's for the dish.
We need each course out under three minutes.
You're my clock.
What do you say, Chef?
Yes, Chef.
Shit.
- Marcus, you prepped for tonight? - Almost, Chef.
Sounds like Marcus needs extra hands at pastry.
- Can somebody back him up? - I'm there.
Thank you, Tina.
Oh, also, somebody stands up, do not fold the napkin.
Okay? This is not a passive-aggressive establishment.
That's good. I hate when people fuck with our shit.
Exactly.
Don't slow down. You're almost there.
That kind of efficiency doesn't seem cost efficient.
- Oh, we'll spend less and spend better. - Like it in theory.
Richie, motherfucker. Our flower budget is fucking crazy, okay?
I know, and I apologize, okay?
I blame it on my elegance. I will happily reduce.
Yeah, okay, but, like, actually reduce. Like, fucking reduce, reduce.
Natalie, I apologize. You don't need to raise your fucking voice at me right now.
Don't order so many fucking flowers.
Sorry, baby.
Okay, I won't. I'm sorry. I love you.
I love you too.
Wait. Are you mad at me?
Anybody got anything?
That's reassuring. I'm on expo.
Richie, Neil, Gary, Rene, and Garrett, you're out front.
Everybody else, back here.
Seven hours to service, two hours to Beef window.
- Every second counts. Let's get to work. - Chef!
You good, Chef?
Yes, Chef. Thank you.
- Door! - Doors!
- Doors!
- Fire two hazelnuts, two no shellfish. - Chef!
- Tina, waiting on two beef. - Yes, Chef.
We need to walk four cavatelli. Fire cauliflower.
We need 12 panna cotta all day.
Almost there, Chef. One minute.
And that's a paupiette of Dover sole.
Pick up six canapé.
…which has a beautiful, flaky, delicate texture.
- Refire cauliflower. - Yes, Chef. Ready to go.
That is complemented beautifully
by the artichoke soubise and sunchoke puree below.
Fire three sardine. Fire two sardine. Fire six romanesco, one no egg.
Fire six romanesco, two no egg.
How long on six lambs? Dragging hard.
Fire four lamb chops, two sub veg.
- Hands. - Marcus, need mignardises for B4, B5 now.
Refire tomato broth.
Refire bass.
Tina, waiting on ten cavatelli, six by four by two.
- Coming right up, Chef. - Thank you, Chefs.
Marcus, what do you have next?
Um, I'm walking two more peach. Peach cakes.
The board is fire.
Walk four cavatelli. One gluten-free to P3.
Dragging eight cavatelli.
- Syd, can you get eyes on pasta count? - Yes, Chef.
Waiting on six chocolate tart.
- How long? - One minute, Chef.
Fire four trout. Dragging six lamb chop.
We've got six more after this and then we're good.
- Heard. - Order in six, one no shellfish.
- Thank you, Chef. - Got you.
How long sardines for six? Pick up six canapé.
- Tina, waiting on two beef. - Hands, please.