Okay, Raj...
hand me the number six Torx screwdriver.
Stop.
We can't do this. It's not right.
Sheldon, you have got two choices.
Put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo or delete stuff before we go out of town.
But once you open the box, you've voided the warranty.
The warranty is a sacred covenant we've entered into with the manufacturer.
He offers to stand by his equipment.
We in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware.
This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.
Okay, then we won't touch the hard drive.
We'll just erase the first season of Battlestar.
There. We're outlaws.
- Here you go, Leonard. Is this big enough? - It's perfect.
For taking daffodils to your unicorn.
It's just for my notebooks. Thanks, Penny.
I love San Francisco. I wish I was going with you.
I understand your envy.
This is a can't-miss symposium.
There are going to be discussions on bioorganic cellular computer devices...
advancements in multi-threaded task completion...
plus a round table on the non-equilibrium Green's Function approach...
to the photoionization process in atoms.
When I go, I usually just get hammered and ride the cable cars.
This conference is a big thing.
The keynote address is delivered by George Smoot.
Oh, my God. The George Smoot?
- You've heard of him? - Of course I haven't.
George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist...
one of the great minds of our time.
His work in black body form...
and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation...
cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.
It's kind of a funny name though.
Smoot.
It's like talking to a chimp.
Okay, now that I've been completely insulted, have a good flight.
- Yeah, I wish. - We're not flying. We're taking the train.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying and costs almost twice as much.
- Well then why are you doing it? - Well, we had a vote.
Three voted for airplane, Sheldon voted for train.
So we're taking the train.
Don't say it like that, Leonard. Say it like, "We're taking the train!"
We're going to the Apple store to make fun of the Genius Bar.
You wanna come?
Oh, I always enjoy that, but I'm a little busy.
What are you doing?
I'm simplifying the task of packing for our trip.
See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing...
it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand.
Then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum...
weather conditions, duration of trip, etc.
Well, that does sound much simpler.
How long is this gonna take?
Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours 11 minutes.
Plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.
Wow.
Teasing the guys at the Apple store seems a little redundant now.
- I don't follow. - I wouldn't expect you to. I'll see you later.
Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.
What on earth are you doing?
Whatever it is, I'm guessing we're doing it wrong.
Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight...
one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes.
On this side, you'll see panoramic ocean vistas...
inaccessible to any other form of transportation.
While on your side you'll be treated to 350 miles...
of Costcos, Jiffy Lubes and cinder block homes with above-ground pools.
- Come on, Raj. - What's wrong with Jiffy Lubes?
No.
- Why not? - That's over the wheelbase.
Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics...
of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?
Sheldon, we've been on this train 90 seconds...
and you've already said a thousand words.
Just tell us where to sit and shut up.
Here.
I'm hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards...
of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails...
- ... your sour disposition will abate. - Yeah, maybe.
Back in the 21st century, people are raising tray tables and putting seat-backs upright...
because it's time to land in San Francisco.
It's not so bad really. At least these trains have modern plumbing.
In India, you squat over a hole in the train and expose your naked buttocks...
to the chilly air of Rajasthan.
He is referring, of course, to third class...
on Indian Railways' magnificent Ranakpur Express...
and its 1200-kilometer journey from Maharashtra to the Bikaner Junction.
Oh, look. Now he's boring on an international scale.
Holy crap, look.
- Is that who I think it is? - It can't be.
What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train?
Maybe John Connor's aboard and she's protecting him from an evil Terminator.
Unlikely. That's a television show, Leonard.
Thank you.
If Skynet did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind...
would be to send Terminators back as actors...
who have played Terminators in films and television...
lulling us into a false sense of security, I.e.:
"That's Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles.
No, Summer, don't kill me! I'm pro-robot."
At least he's off the train crap.
Wheeee.
Sheldon, I owe you an apology.
Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance. I've actually got a shot at a Terminator.
Please. When it comes to Terminators...
you've got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
You're overlooking something.
I have 11 hours with her in a confined space.
Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train...
tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb...
to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
My money's on tuck and roll.
I'm confused.
I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.
- Let me explain to you how this works. - All right.
- That's Summer Glau. - Yes?
That's it.
Hang on a sec.
- Why do you get first crack at her? - Uh, well, let's see. Couple reasons.
One, I saw her first.
No, you didn't. I did.
Fair enough. But then let me move on to number two.
Unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I'm sober.
You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic...
while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Well, you know the old saying.
Pasty and frail, never fail.
Excuse me, but what about me?
Why don't I get a shot?
Fine, go ahead, take a shot.
I've already got a gorgeous blonde back home I can't score with.
I think I'll let you two take this one.
Sheldon, is there a place on this train to get alcohol?
Interesting that you ask.
The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car.
Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level...
- Which way? - Upper level is a bar...
that offers wine tastings if you're going as far as Portland.
Aren't you gonna go talk to her?
I will. I'm just working on my opening line.
She's probably heard every possible line, Howard.
Why don't you try, "Hello?"
No, no, no. That always creeps girls out.
I need to come up with something that's funny, smart and delicately suggests...
that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature.
You're gonna need more than 11 hours.
Oh no.
- What's the matter? - I forgot my flash drive.
- So? - So we have to go back.
Okay, Sheldon, I'm gonna say, "Why?"
And your answer cannot be "Because I forgot my flash drive."
You don't understand.
My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes...
of M-theory effects in the early universe...
I was gonna give to George Smoot at the conference.
Why do you have to give your paper to George Smoot?
It's brilliant. He needs to read it.
So you'll send him an email when we get back.
Then I won't get to see his face light up as he reads it.
- Right. Of course. - Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster.
Well, there's nothing you can do about it, so relax.
Sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails.
You forgot your flash drive You forgot your flash drive
Only 10 hours, 55 minutes to go.
You forgot your flash drive You forgot your flash drive
It's hot in here. Must be Summer.
So, where you gals headed?
Okay, I've found the perfect solution.
We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard.
We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station.
We take a cab back, get my flash drive...
and race to San Luis Obispo, assuming the lights are with us, minimal traffic...
we'll meet the train.
- I've got a better idea. - Are you going to be sarcastic?
Boy, you take all the fun out of it for me.
But, look, Penny's home.
Why don't we call her, have her get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper?
But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.
- So? - The key is hidden in my room.
- So? - Penny'd have to go into my room.
- So? - People don't go in my room.
I see. Well, it seems once again...
you're caught between a rock and a crazy place.
Oh, I hate when that happens.
It's hot in here. Must be Summer. It's hot in here. Must be summer.
It's hot in here. Must be Summer.
- That's cute. - Really? I just made it up.
Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire?
Oh yeah, I loved it.
It's loosely based on my life.
We're putting the play on for one night in this little 99-seat theater.
Can you come? Oh, great.
Do you know 98 other people that might wanna come?
Oh, hang on. Hello?
Listen. I'm about to give you a set of instructions...
which you must follow to the letter.
Just a sec.
Theater's above a bowling alley so it's a little noisy...
but it might be the only chance I'll ever get to play Anne Frank.
And the director is brilliant.
He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery.
Okay, great, I'll see you then.
- Hello? Okay, step four.
Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?
Your dresser? Who is this?
It's Sheldon.
Oh, hey, Sheldon. How's San Francisco?
I'm not in San Francisco. I'm on a tra... Were you even listening to me?
- No, I was talking to my friend. What's up? - What's up? I'll tell you what's up.
I'm in a crisis situation...
I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be...
Give me the phone.
Hi, Penny, it's Leonard.
Hey, Leonard, what's going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?
He's calling to ask you a favor. You might be confused...
because he didn't use the words "Penny," "Sheldon,"please" or "favor."
Okay. Enough chitchat.
Okay, step one: Locate your emergency key to our apartment.
Step two: Enter our apartment. Step three...
Enter my bedroom.
Step four... - Yeah, hang on, getting another call.
No!
Let me tell you something. Personal robots cannot get here soon enough.
And that bright little star peeking her head out early today...
that's Venus.
That is so cool.
You know a lot about space.
Come on. When you were on TV in Firefly, you were actually in space.
You're not one of those guys who believe that?
You mean one of the hopeless geeks? No.
Those are crazy people.
Howard, be a dear and get me another one of these.
Now him, he's one of those geeks.
All right, now before you enter my bedroom unescorted...
I need you to understand that this one time grant of access...
does not create a permanent easement.
Easement.
It's a legal right of access. Good grief.
What? No, don't put me on hold. I... Oh...
Do you believe him?
Normally around women, he has the personality of a boiled potato.
Put one beer in him, and he's M. Knight Charmalarmalon.
Is that what he's drinking? It's not even real beer.
- What? - Look at it.
Non-alcoholic beer.
- Then what's going on? - I don't know.
Some sort of placebo effect, I guess.
Placebo, you say.
Interesting.
Yes, I'm still here. Where am I going? I'm on a train.
Now, what you'll be looking for is a small wooden box...
located between a Hoberman Sphere and a sample of quartz flecked with pyrite.
Hoberman Sphere.
It's a collapsible icosidodecahedron.
No, the thing with the time on it is my alarm clock. My God.
Actually, in India, the names of constellations are different.
Where you have the Big Dipper, we have the Big Curry Pot.
You're making that up.
You got me.
Now, what are you going to do with me?
- Raj. Look. - Yes?
- What am I looking at? - You tell me.
Non-alcoholic beer.
Hi. I'm the small package good things come in.
Okay, I got a box, but there's no key in here. Just letters.
That's the wrong box. Put it back.
Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
Don't read those letters.
Oh, look, she calls you Moon Pie. That is so cute.
Put down the letters!
Hey, Penny. It's Leonard.
Hey, Leonard. How's the train ride?
Delightful. I don't know what you're doing right now...
but there are little bubbles forming in the corner of Sheldon's mouth.
Okay. Yeah, I kind of crossed a line. Put him back on.
Thank you.
- I'm back. - What up, Moon Pie?
No one calls me Moon Pie but Meemaw.
Hey, Penny. Leonard again.
So anyway, in the dream, you and I were ice skating, just the two of us.
And then I picked you up by your ankles...
and twirled you round and round until your legs tore off.
I mean, I tried to stick them back on, but before I could...
you turned into a giant loaf of pumpernickel bread.
What do you think that means?
I really don't know.
I'll give you a little clue.
My favorite sandwich? Salami on pumpernickel.
Is that so?
Did you know the word pumpernickel comes from the German words pumper and knickel.
Which loosely translates to fart goblin?
No. I didn't.
Okay, I found the box. Now what?
You're holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes 10 precise moves to open.
Okay, first locate the panel with the diamond pattern...
and slide the center portion 1 millimeter to the left.
Then, on the opposite end of the box...
slide the entire panel down 2 millimeters.
You'll hear a slight click.
Hang on. Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?
No. It's a novelty I ordered off the Internet. Did you hear the click?
Not yet.
There it is.
Okay, here's another one.
If you married the famous rock guitarist Johnny Winter...
you'd be Summer Winter.
- Uh-huh. - Yep.
Okay, I'm gonna just go for broke here and say I like you.
Yeah?
So here's my question:
Do you see any conversational path that would take us from where we are now...
to a place where I could ask you out and you'd say yes?
No.
Fair enough. I'll leave you in peace.
Thank you.
But before I go...
would you mind if I just take one picture of us together for my Facebook page?
Sure.
Okay. Great.
Can I take one where it looks like we're making out?
Okay, now you're going to insert the flash drive into the USB port.
She calls me Moon Pie because I'm nummy-nummy...
and she could just eat me up.
Now please put the flash drive in the USB port.
The one that looks like a little duck's mouth.
- Hey, how'd it go? - Terminator broke my phone.
Excuse me.
Okay, I'll be honest with you.
I've spent the last two hours imagining various scenarios in my head...
trying to come up with some line to say to you...
but then I finally realized you're a human being, I'm a human being.
I could just say...
Next stop, Santa Barbara.
I'm sorry. This is me.
"Hi, my name's Leonard."
So I'm thinking you won the Nobel Prize, what, three years ago...
so you must deal with a whole lot of "What has Smoot done lately?"
My thought is we continue my research as a team, you know...
Cooper-Smoot, alphabetical...
and when we win the Nobel Prize, you'll be back on top.
With all due respect, Dr. Cooper, are you on crack?
Fine. Smoot-Cooper.
Wow, what a diva.