1
00:00:00,870 --> 00:00:03,841
onto top tabs.

2
00:00:03,843 --> 00:00:07,397
Look at that, I built a
fireplace with my own two hands.

3
00:00:07,399 --> 00:00:09,653
You're so butch.

4
00:00:09,655 --> 00:00:11,940
Aw, I got a little paper cut.

5
00:00:11,942 --> 00:00:13,861
Of course you did.

6
00:00:13,863 --> 00:00:16,065
Your hands are
softer than veal.

7
00:00:17,753 --> 00:00:19,789
Oh, before I forget,
Saturday I'm planning a little

8
00:00:19,791 --> 00:00:21,877
Dungeons and Dragons night
with the guys.

9
00:00:21,879 --> 00:00:24,131
Really? That's how you're gonna
spend your Saturday night?

10
00:00:24,133 --> 00:00:26,252
Oh, come on, I hardly ever get
a chance to play anymore.

11
00:00:26,254 --> 00:00:27,521
Oh, you poor thing.

12
00:00:27,523 --> 00:00:29,558
Is having a real-life girlfriend
who has sex with you

13
00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:32,397
getting in the way
of your board games?

14
00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:35,420
Little bit, yeah.

15
00:00:36,708 --> 00:00:40,213
Oh, great! I've always wanted
to play Dungeons and Dragons.

16
00:00:40,215 --> 00:00:41,616
Yeah, oh, I'm sorry.

17
00:00:41,618 --> 00:00:43,553
I should've mentioned
this earlier.

18
00:00:43,555 --> 00:00:44,756
You're not invited.

19
00:00:46,343 --> 00:00:48,814
Why not?
Amy,

20
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:52,304
from time to time,
we men need to break free

21
00:00:52,306 --> 00:00:55,577
from the shackles
of civility and get in touch

22
00:00:55,579 --> 00:00:58,951
with our primal
animalistic selves.

23
00:00:58,953 --> 00:01:01,239
By rolling dice
and playing make-believe

24
00:01:01,241 --> 00:01:02,725
with little figurines?

25
00:01:02,727 --> 00:01:05,096
Yeah, like a bunch of savages.

26
00:01:06,266 --> 00:01:08,186
Saturday night?

27
00:01:08,188 --> 00:01:09,723
But I've been working
late all week.

28
00:01:09,725 --> 00:01:10,891
That was gonna be our night.

29
00:01:10,893 --> 00:01:12,194
But I have to go.

30
00:01:12,196 --> 00:01:13,512
We play as a group.

31
00:01:13,514 --> 00:01:16,535
If-if I'm not there,
then everyone will blame you.

32
00:01:16,537 --> 00:01:18,958
They'll be all,
"Bernadette ruined everything.

33
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,745
She's the worst."

34
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:23,532
So, you see?

35
00:01:23,534 --> 00:01:26,840
I have to play
Dungeons and Dragons...

36
00:01:26,842 --> 00:01:29,011
for the marriage.

37
00:01:29,013 --> 00:01:31,883
You're an idiot.

38
00:01:31,885 --> 00:01:33,921
I'm your idiot.

39
00:01:33,923 --> 00:01:37,127
Forever.

40
00:01:37,129 --> 00:01:40,918
So, listen, I know we talked
about getting a bite to eat

41
00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,406
in Silver Lake, and then seeing
the Christmas lights

42
00:01:43,408 --> 00:01:46,178
in Griffith Park,
but Leonard's talking about

43
00:01:46,180 --> 00:01:48,516
a big D and D game at his place.

44
00:01:48,518 --> 00:01:51,222
Saturday night just went
from crazy to epic!

45
00:01:51,224 --> 00:01:52,557
Woo-hoo!

46
00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:19,598
== sync, corrected by elderman ==

47
00:02:21,625 --> 00:02:24,496
All right, Sheldon,
to start our quest,

48
00:02:24,498 --> 00:02:27,085
you need to open this little
Christmas gift I got you.

49
00:02:27,087 --> 00:02:28,905
A Christmas gift?

50
00:02:28,907 --> 00:02:31,260
You know I don't
enjoy Christmas.

51
00:02:32,079 --> 00:02:33,597
What's wrong
with Christmas?

52
00:02:33,599 --> 00:02:34,834
Oh, where to begin?

53
00:02:34,836 --> 00:02:37,088
Trees indoors.

54
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:40,746
Overuse of the words
"'tis" and "'twas."

55
00:02:40,748 --> 00:02:43,284
And the absurd custom
of one stocking.

56
00:02:43,286 --> 00:02:46,323
Everyone knows socks
belong in pas.

57
00:02:46,325 --> 00:02:47,793
Who uses one sock?

58
00:02:47,795 --> 00:02:50,264
Pirate with a peg leg?

59
00:02:50,266 --> 00:02:52,853
Actually that helps,
thank you.

60
00:02:53,689 --> 00:02:55,007
Would you just look inside?

61
00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:58,681
Oh, a scroll.

62
00:02:58,683 --> 00:03:00,067
I like scrolls.

63
00:03:00,069 --> 00:03:01,186
They're my third

64
00:03:01,188 --> 00:03:02,538
favorite system of transmitting

65
00:03:02,540 --> 00:03:04,042
the written word.

66
00:03:04,044 --> 00:03:06,831
After stone tablets
and skywriting.

67
00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:09,870
"You have all been
summoned to join

68
00:03:09,872 --> 00:03:12,141
"a thrilling Dungeons
and Dragons adventure.

69
00:03:12,143 --> 00:03:13,177
"Your quest begins

70
00:03:13,179 --> 00:03:15,766
"in a secret northern
village of elves

71
00:03:15,768 --> 00:03:17,518
who have all been massacred."

72
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,657
I like
where this is heading.

73
00:03:19,659 --> 00:03:20,942
"Your task

74
00:03:20,944 --> 00:03:24,082
is to rescue their leader
from a dungeon of ogres."

75
00:03:24,084 --> 00:03:26,069
Oh, that's a saucy twist.

76
00:03:26,071 --> 00:03:27,288
"That leader's name:

77
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:28,908
Santa Claus"

78
00:03:28,910 --> 00:03:31,096
No, no, no!

79
00:03:31,098 --> 00:03:32,766
It's actually, "Ho, ho, ho,"

80
00:03:32,768 --> 00:03:34,687
but you'll get the hang of it.

81
00:03:35,605 --> 00:03:36,774
Thought it'd be fun to make

82
00:03:36,776 --> 00:03:37,943
a quest with a holiday theme.

83
00:03:37,945 --> 00:03:39,112
Fun?

84
00:03:39,114 --> 00:03:41,233
Mixing Dungeons and Dragons
with Christmas is

85
00:03:41,235 --> 00:03:43,487
like making a sandwich
of grape jelly,

86
00:03:43,489 --> 00:03:44,790
the best-tasting jelly,

87
00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:48,414
and petroleum jelly,
the worst-tasting jelly.

88
00:03:48,416 --> 00:03:50,284
Okay, here we go.

89
00:03:50,286 --> 00:03:52,088
"You find yourselves

90
00:03:52,090 --> 00:03:54,292
"in the smoking remains
of Santa's village.

91
00:03:54,294 --> 00:03:56,981
Clearly, a great battle
has taken place."

92
00:03:56,983 --> 00:03:58,517
Oh, man, the first
monster I see,

93
00:03:58,519 --> 00:04:00,856
I'm gonna sneak up behind
him, whip out my wand,

94
00:04:00,858 --> 00:04:04,479
and shoot my magic
all over his ass.

95
00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:09,790
Do you hear yourself
when you say these things?

96
00:04:10,592 --> 00:04:11,727
Okay,

97
00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:13,263
there are ogre
tracks and a trail

98
00:04:13,265 --> 00:04:14,934
of broken candy
canes in the snow.

99
00:04:14,936 --> 00:04:15,969
Sheldon, what do you do?

100
00:04:15,971 --> 00:04:18,858
I signal my contempt
for your cruel plan

101
00:04:18,860 --> 00:04:20,528
to shove Christmas joy
down my throat

102
00:04:20,530 --> 00:04:24,686
by making a gesture that says,
"Get a load of this guy."

103
00:04:25,689 --> 00:04:27,158
Fine. Howard, what do you do?

104
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:31,416
I follow the ogre tracks,
checking for secret doors

105
00:04:31,418 --> 00:04:33,387
along the way.

106
00:04:33,389 --> 00:04:36,259
And you discover a secret door
leading to a dark corridor.

107
00:04:36,261 --> 00:04:38,430
Okay, guys, let's make a plan:
spell casters in the back,

108
00:04:38,432 --> 00:04:39,683
warriors in the front...

109
00:04:39,685 --> 00:04:41,153
No, screw that noise,
I'm going in.

110
00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:44,726
Hang on, Santa,
I'm coming for you!

111
00:04:45,863 --> 00:04:48,751
Okay, you run into
a room full of weapons,

112
00:04:48,753 --> 00:04:50,354
hit a trip wire...

113
00:04:51,909 --> 00:04:54,680
a cannon blows your face off,
you die, you're out of the game.

114
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:58,103
But... a canon?

115
00:04:58,105 --> 00:05:00,090
Am I really out of the game?

116
00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:02,863
Lucky.

117
00:05:02,865 --> 00:05:04,115
Okay, come on, moving on.

118
00:05:04,117 --> 00:05:07,238
Wait, doesn't anyone have
a roof resurrection?

119
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:11,112
Because if you've got
one, I need it bad.

120
00:05:12,783 --> 00:05:15,454
Get in here with your rod
and give it to me.

121
00:05:16,591 --> 00:05:18,160
Okay, you need
to say these things

122
00:05:18,162 --> 00:05:20,247
in your head before
you say them out loud.

123
00:05:21,385 --> 00:05:23,553
Hey, guys.

124
00:05:23,555 --> 00:05:25,140
I don't mean to interrupt
your little game,

125
00:05:25,142 --> 00:05:26,944
but I thought you'd like to see
what you're missing out on.

126
00:05:26,946 --> 00:05:27,996
So...

127
00:05:27,998 --> 00:05:30,251
Bernadette?

128
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,183
Bernadette's wearing
leopard-print pumps

129
00:05:38,185 --> 00:05:41,339
and a rack-tastic red dress
from Forever 21.

130
00:05:47,369 --> 00:05:48,905
And there's Amy,

131
00:05:48,907 --> 00:05:50,574
showing all kinds of ankle.

132
00:05:51,745 --> 00:05:55,584
In an outfit I'm assuming is
from Forever 63.

133
00:05:57,339 --> 00:05:59,509
And I, myself...

134
00:06:01,715 --> 00:06:03,550
am wearing a little
number that got me

135
00:06:03,552 --> 00:06:06,022
out of two speeding
tickets and jury duty.

136
00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:08,945
I know they're making
a rhetorical point,

137
00:06:08,947 --> 00:06:11,065
I just don't know what it is.

138
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:12,919
See you, boys. We
are going drinking.

139
00:06:12,921 --> 00:06:14,673
Uh, wait,
can I come with you?

140
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,977
My character died.

141
00:06:16,979 --> 00:06:19,098
Sorry, Raj,
it's girls' night out.

142
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,219
Maybe another time.

143
00:06:23,727 --> 00:06:25,260
Okay...

144
00:06:25,262 --> 00:06:26,764
Come on.

145
00:06:26,766 --> 00:06:28,099
Ooh!

146
00:06:28,101 --> 00:06:32,107
Girls' night, girls' night!

147
00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:36,917
How does he not hear that?

148
00:06:39,223 --> 00:06:40,391
So, what's the plan?

149
00:06:40,393 --> 00:06:42,061
Are we gonna teach
our fellas a lesson

150
00:06:42,063 --> 00:06:44,432
by getting stinking drunk,
luring strange men

151
00:06:44,434 --> 00:06:46,352
into the bathroom,
and turning the toilet stall

152
00:06:46,354 --> 00:06:48,941
into a temple of the senses?

153
00:06:48,943 --> 00:06:50,411
No!
No!

154
00:06:50,413 --> 00:06:53,533
Geez, who's Forever 63 now?

155
00:06:54,921 --> 00:06:57,491
Can we get another bottle of
champagne for the table?

156
00:06:57,493 --> 00:06:58,493
Don't worry.

157
00:06:58,495 --> 00:06:59,996
It's my treat.

158
00:06:59,998 --> 00:07:01,266
Thanks.
Wow!

159
00:07:01,268 --> 00:07:02,803
You should come
to girls' night more often.

160
00:07:02,805 --> 00:07:04,388
And not just because
if you weren't here,

161
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:06,677
this would be a can of Pabst.

162
00:07:06,679 --> 00:07:08,363
My pleasure; nothing
makes me happier

163
00:07:08,365 --> 00:07:10,033
than the chance
to spoil a lady.

164
00:07:10,035 --> 00:07:11,402
Just ask my dog.

165
00:07:11,404 --> 00:07:13,691
My vet says if I give her
any more foie gras,

166
00:07:13,693 --> 00:07:15,712
she's going to die of gout.

167
00:07:15,714 --> 00:07:18,918
Hey, let's help Raj
meet a girl tonight.

168
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,372
No, no, no, I'm fine.
Okay, wait, are we talking

169
00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:24,145
one-night stand or do we want
to get him into a relationship?

170
00:07:24,147 --> 00:07:26,349
Let's get him laid!

171
00:07:27,269 --> 00:07:30,107
Stop it.
You're ruining girls' night.

172
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,029
Raj, you're a great guy,

173
00:07:33,031 --> 00:07:35,417
you're in a bar full of
single women; let us help you.

174
00:07:35,419 --> 00:07:36,754
Yeah, you're
a real catch.

175
00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:38,340
I know you're shy,
but that doesn't mean

176
00:07:38,342 --> 00:07:40,127
you shouldn't have someone
wonderful in your life.

177
00:07:40,129 --> 00:07:41,462
That's sweet of you.

178
00:07:41,464 --> 00:07:42,749
But what can you do to help?

179
00:07:42,751 --> 00:07:44,185
We'll nose around,

180
00:07:44,187 --> 00:07:46,807
see if we can find a nice girl,
and then introduce you.

181
00:07:46,809 --> 00:07:48,092
Okay.

182
00:07:48,094 --> 00:07:49,478
Well, a couple of things.

183
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,449
Don't tell them
I come from money.

184
00:07:51,451 --> 00:07:54,038
I want them to love me for me.

185
00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:57,779
They must be insanely hot.

186
00:07:59,166 --> 00:08:01,887
Like, nines or tens.

187
00:08:01,889 --> 00:08:03,674
Nines or tens?

188
00:08:03,676 --> 00:08:05,126
Okay, an eight is acceptable

189
00:08:05,128 --> 00:08:08,400
if she's willing to bring
another eight to the hot tub.

190
00:08:08,402 --> 00:08:09,903
Bottom line:
you'll take

191
00:08:09,905 --> 00:08:11,105
any woman who'll
have you, right?

192
00:08:11,107 --> 00:08:12,692
In a New Delhi minute.

193
00:08:14,797 --> 00:08:17,652
I don't remember you buying
these miniatures in my store.

194
00:08:17,654 --> 00:08:19,088
Oh, uh, yeah.

195
00:08:19,090 --> 00:08:21,175
I got 'em on Amazon.

196
00:08:21,177 --> 00:08:22,662
Sure. I get it.

197
00:08:22,664 --> 00:08:24,465
Why support a friend

198
00:08:24,467 --> 00:08:26,720
when you can support
a multinational conglomerate

199
00:08:26,722 --> 00:08:29,643
that is crushing the life
out of that friend?

200
00:08:29,645 --> 00:08:34,018
I know, but when I shop online,
I can do it on the toilet.

201
00:08:34,020 --> 00:08:35,353
Have you seen my store?

202
00:08:35,355 --> 00:08:36,874
The whole place is a toilet.

203
00:08:36,876 --> 00:08:39,361
C-Can we please move this along?

204
00:08:39,363 --> 00:08:40,397
Yeah, sorry.

205
00:08:40,399 --> 00:08:42,869
Uh, you come to the
end of the tunnel

206
00:08:42,871 --> 00:08:44,055
and find a large chest.

207
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,057
What do you do?

208
00:08:45,059 --> 00:08:46,509
And, Howard, do not say,

209
00:08:46,511 --> 00:08:49,565
"I feel up the large chest."

210
00:08:49,567 --> 00:08:51,937
Excuse me,
I'm a married man now.

211
00:08:51,939 --> 00:08:54,391
I wasn't going to say
anything so juvenile.

212
00:08:54,393 --> 00:08:55,360
Great. What do you do?

213
00:08:55,362 --> 00:08:56,362
I walk up

214
00:08:56,364 --> 00:08:57,732
to the large chest,

215
00:08:57,734 --> 00:09:01,790
bury my face in it
and go.

216
00:09:04,697 --> 00:09:06,099
I open the chest.

217
00:09:06,101 --> 00:09:09,188
It's locked, but suddenly
the door behind you slams shut

218
00:09:09,190 --> 00:09:11,894
and now the walls of the room
start closing in.

219
00:09:11,896 --> 00:09:12,979
That's not good.

220
00:09:12,981 --> 00:09:15,702
My character and I
both have claustrophobia.

221
00:09:15,704 --> 00:09:18,272
Glowing letters appear
on the chest that read,

222
00:09:18,274 --> 00:09:20,778
"If squashed to death
you wish not to be,

223
00:09:20,780 --> 00:09:23,299
sing of Svaty Vaclav
and his victory."

224
00:09:23,301 --> 00:09:25,453
Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav?
Walls are getting closer.

225
00:09:25,455 --> 00:09:27,675
Oh, boy, happy place,
happy place.

226
00:09:27,677 --> 00:09:31,349
Wait, Svaty Vaclav was
the Duke of Bohemia.

227
00:09:31,351 --> 00:09:32,652
You're ten seconds away
from getting crushed!

228
00:09:32,654 --> 00:09:33,738
Nine, eight...

229
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:34,740
What are we supposed to do?

230
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:36,526
seven, six...
Wait, wait.

231
00:09:36,528 --> 00:09:39,248
Svaty Vaclav is better known
as Good King Wenceslas

232
00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:41,035
from the beloved
Victorian Christmas carol.

233
00:09:41,037 --> 00:09:42,421
Never heard of it.

234
00:09:42,423 --> 00:09:44,793
Must be the one Christmas song
not written by a Jewish guy.

235
00:09:44,795 --> 00:09:46,930
three, two...

236
00:09:46,932 --> 00:09:48,684
Somebody sing the damn song!

237
00:09:55,917 --> 00:09:57,034
The walls are getting slower.

238
00:10:08,925 --> 00:10:11,262
The walls stop! You're safe!

239
00:10:11,881 --> 00:10:12,932
That was amazing, Sheldon.

240
00:10:12,934 --> 00:10:14,686
How did you know that?
It was simple.

241
00:10:14,688 --> 00:10:17,074
I combined a well-known,
historical fact

242
00:10:17,076 --> 00:10:19,078
about Bohemia with the memory
of my grandparents,

243
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:21,667
Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop,
singing Christmas carols

244
00:10:21,669 --> 00:10:24,255
while I sat in front of the fire
and tried to build

245
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,960
a high-energy particle
accelerator out of Legos.

246
00:10:26,962 --> 00:10:29,298
Okay, continuing
our quest.

247
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:30,400
W-W-Wait.

248
00:10:30,402 --> 00:10:31,687
There's still four more verses.

249
00:10:31,689 --> 00:10:33,439
You don't sing a song
and not finish it.

250
00:10:53,363 --> 00:10:55,331
Looks like he's
doing pretty good.

251
00:10:55,333 --> 00:10:56,450
Of course he is.

252
00:10:56,452 --> 00:10:58,672
Look, that girl just got
dumped by her boyfriend.

253
00:10:58,674 --> 00:11:00,124
She's angry, she's drunk,

254
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:02,262
and her favorite movie
is Slumdog Millionaire.

255
00:11:02,264 --> 00:11:03,247
I mean...

256
00:11:03,249 --> 00:11:05,752
That is some low-hanging fruit.

257
00:11:06,571 --> 00:11:08,407
Oh, here he comes.

258
00:11:08,409 --> 00:11:10,211
So, how'd it go?
Great.

259
00:11:10,213 --> 00:11:11,715
I bought her a couple
of drinks,

260
00:11:11,717 --> 00:11:13,584
and she gave me
her e-mail address.

261
00:11:13,586 --> 00:11:15,288
Ooh!

262
00:11:15,290 --> 00:11:20,581
"Jennifer@not-even-if-you-were-
the-last-guy-on-earth. loser"

263
00:11:21,418 --> 00:11:22,502
What?

264
00:11:22,504 --> 00:11:23,972
I'm sorry, Raj.

265
00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:26,560
Why can't I find someone?

266
00:11:26,562 --> 00:11:28,180
I'm smart, I've got a cool job,

267
00:11:28,182 --> 00:11:30,268
and my naturally
bronzed complexion

268
00:11:30,270 --> 00:11:31,771
means I can pull off
mustard yellow

269
00:11:31,773 --> 00:11:33,642
in a way most guys can't.

270
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,647
Oh, honey,
it's not you, it's them.

271
00:11:36,649 --> 00:11:37,649
No, it's not.

272
00:11:37,651 --> 00:11:40,088
She was too beautiful for me.

273
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:42,626
Why would you say that?
It's true.

274
00:11:42,628 --> 00:11:45,048
I'm always attracted
to women I can't have.

275
00:11:45,050 --> 00:11:46,383
I do it all the time.

276
00:11:46,385 --> 00:11:48,671
I did the same thing
with the two of you.

277
00:11:49,390 --> 00:11:50,391
The two of them?

278
00:11:50,393 --> 00:11:52,980
I don't understand.

279
00:11:52,982 --> 00:11:56,520
Well, uh, there was a time
when I had a thing for Penny,

280
00:11:56,522 --> 00:11:58,040
and I thought she
was into me, too,

281
00:11:58,042 --> 00:12:00,629
because she got drunk and naked
and climbed into bed with me.

282
00:12:00,631 --> 00:12:03,919
But apparently
I misread those signals.

283
00:12:05,422 --> 00:12:08,010
And you liked Bernadette also?

284
00:12:08,012 --> 00:12:09,931
That was before Penny.

285
00:12:09,933 --> 00:12:11,734
I make it a rule
to only fall for

286
00:12:11,736 --> 00:12:14,606
one of my friends'
girlfriends at a time.

287
00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:17,228
I'm very old-fashioned that way.

288
00:12:17,230 --> 00:12:20,001
So at, uh, some point,

289
00:12:20,003 --> 00:12:23,207
you probably had
a thing for me, too.

290
00:12:24,460 --> 00:12:26,764
No, not really.

291
00:12:28,719 --> 00:12:32,475
Oh, come on, Raj,
not even a little bit?

292
00:12:32,477 --> 00:12:35,097
Not that I can think of.

293
00:12:36,434 --> 00:12:39,105
Think harder.

294
00:12:39,941 --> 00:12:41,577
Nope.

295
00:12:42,614 --> 00:12:44,166
I guess the heart wants
what the heart wants.

296
00:12:44,168 --> 00:12:45,169
Or in this case, doesn't.

297
00:12:45,170 --> 00:12:47,973
I mean, at all.

298
00:12:50,429 --> 00:12:52,432
What?

299
00:13:02,671 --> 00:13:04,657
Done?

300
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:08,163
I think the word you're
looking for is "bravo."

301
00:13:09,433 --> 00:13:11,336
Okay, you leave the room
and find yourself

302
00:13:11,338 --> 00:13:13,775
standing before a pool
of melted snowmen.

303
00:13:13,777 --> 00:13:15,027
Melted snowmen?

304
00:13:15,029 --> 00:13:17,198
Are there carrots
and lumps of coal in the water?

305
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,484
I don't know.
What's the difference?

306
00:13:18,486 --> 00:13:20,706
It's a game of
the imagination, Leonard.

307
00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:21,691
Paint a picture.

308
00:13:21,693 --> 00:13:22,743
Fine.

309
00:13:22,745 --> 00:13:24,246
You leave the room
and find yourself

310
00:13:24,248 --> 00:13:25,966
standing before a pool
of melted snowmen.

311
00:13:25,968 --> 00:13:27,869
There are carrots and
lumps of coal in the water.

312
00:13:27,871 --> 00:13:30,726
What happened to the
top hats and the corncob pipes?

313
00:13:30,728 --> 00:13:32,478
You see those, too.

314
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,217
Oh, it's like I'm really there.

315
00:13:37,389 --> 00:13:40,895
I gotta tell you, this-this is
the most holiday fun I've had

316
00:13:40,897 --> 00:13:44,068
since my therapist changed
my anxiety medication

317
00:13:44,070 --> 00:13:46,907
and I stopped caring about
the blood in my stool.

318
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:51,249
Good story.

319
00:13:52,186 --> 00:13:53,470
What are you drinking there?

320
00:13:53,472 --> 00:13:54,522
Little eggnog?

321
00:13:54,524 --> 00:13:55,776
Yes.

322
00:13:55,778 --> 00:13:57,061
What, is there a problem?

323
00:13:57,063 --> 00:14:00,117
No, it's nice to see you
enjoying a holiday beverage.

324
00:14:00,119 --> 00:14:01,269
Pretty Christmasy.

325
00:14:01,271 --> 00:14:03,708
Since when is eggnog
a Christmas drink?

326
00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:06,748
Eggs are available
all year 'round.

327
00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:10,004
I've been known to
enjoy this poolside.

328
00:14:10,006 --> 00:14:12,091
Come on, Sheldon.

329
00:14:12,093 --> 00:14:14,128
You know all the Christmas
stories, and the carols,

330
00:14:14,130 --> 00:14:16,350
you've got an eggnog
mustache going on there.

331
00:14:16,352 --> 00:14:17,636
Just admit it.

332
00:14:17,638 --> 00:14:19,239
You're getting
a little Yuletide spirit.

333
00:14:19,241 --> 00:14:20,742
Oh, don't be silly.

334
00:14:20,744 --> 00:14:23,665
Christmas is a bunch of baloney
created by the tinsel industry.

335
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:26,486
Why is this so important to you?

336
00:14:26,488 --> 00:14:28,590
Honestly, because I had enough
crappy Christmases as a kid

337
00:14:28,592 --> 00:14:30,679
and I'm tired of you
sucking the joy out of them now.

338
00:14:30,681 --> 00:14:32,515
What was so bad
about them?

339
00:14:32,517 --> 00:14:35,438
I grew up in a house
full of crazy academics.

340
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,643
Instead of leaving Santa
milk and cookies,

341
00:14:37,645 --> 00:14:39,947
we had to leave him
a research paper.

342
00:14:41,652 --> 00:14:43,855
And in the morning,
you could tell he'd been there

343
00:14:43,857 --> 00:14:45,625
because the paper
would be graded.

344
00:14:46,795 --> 00:14:48,297
No wonder you love Christmas.

345
00:14:48,299 --> 00:14:50,551
That sounds amazing.

346
00:14:50,553 --> 00:14:52,538
It wasn't amazing.

347
00:14:52,540 --> 00:14:55,377
I got a C-minus
four years in a row.

348
00:14:55,379 --> 00:14:56,881
Yeah, I'm familiar
with your work.

349
00:14:56,883 --> 00:14:58,233
C-minus was your gift.

350
00:15:01,324 --> 00:15:04,078
Amy, I'm really sorry.

351
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:05,832
I didn't mean to upset you.

352
00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:07,168
It's fine.

353
00:15:07,170 --> 00:15:09,405
I'm used to being the girl
who never gets looked at twice.

354
00:15:09,407 --> 00:15:12,428
I didn't have my first kiss
till I was 22,

355
00:15:12,430 --> 00:15:15,584
and the guy only did it so
I'd give him back his insulin.

356
00:15:17,774 --> 00:15:21,981
Sometimes the pancreas wants
what the pancreas wants.

357
00:15:22,817 --> 00:15:24,152
Forget it.

358
00:15:24,154 --> 00:15:25,705
I don't expect
you guys to understand.

359
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:27,291
I understand.

360
00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:29,295
In seventh grade,
I played Spin the Bottle

361
00:15:29,297 --> 00:15:30,949
and it landed on Alina Shankar.

362
00:15:30,951 --> 00:15:32,585
She said if I came near her,

363
00:15:32,587 --> 00:15:35,207
she would break
the bottle and cut me.

364
00:15:35,209 --> 00:15:36,761
You think that's bad?

365
00:15:36,763 --> 00:15:38,798
In college, I passed out
at a frat party

366
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,236
and woke up with
more clothes on.

367
00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:47,031
Sometimes I get so lonely,

368
00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:49,419
I sit on my left hand
until it goes numb,

369
00:15:49,421 --> 00:15:51,674
then I put it in
my right hand and pretend

370
00:15:51,676 --> 00:15:54,161
I'm holding hands
with another person.

371
00:15:54,163 --> 00:15:57,134
I do that, too.

372
00:15:57,136 --> 00:15:59,338
Sometimes the left hand
tries to cop a feel.

373
00:16:01,143 --> 00:16:03,363
And I let it.

374
00:16:04,951 --> 00:16:07,789
It's kind of nice
to talk to someone

375
00:16:07,791 --> 00:16:10,044
who understands what
it feels like to be alone.

376
00:16:10,046 --> 00:16:12,331
It is, isn't it?

377
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:14,201
But you're not alone anymore.
Now you've got Sheldon.

378
00:16:14,203 --> 00:16:15,504
I do.

379
00:16:15,506 --> 00:16:18,560
And don't worry, someday
you'll have somebody, too.

380
00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:19,930
Thank you.

381
00:16:19,932 --> 00:16:23,855
I hope she's half as
lovely and amazing as you are.

382
00:16:24,724 --> 00:16:27,278
Thank you, Rajesh.

383
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,198
He wants me, I'm good.
We can go now.

384
00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:32,588
Damn it.

385
00:16:32,590 --> 00:16:33,958
What?

386
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,795
Now that I know
she doesn't like me,

387
00:16:35,797 --> 00:16:37,899
I'm kind of into her.

388
00:16:39,086 --> 00:16:41,172
All right.

389
00:16:41,174 --> 00:16:45,014
I think I cracked the code
to lower the drawbridge.

390
00:16:45,016 --> 00:16:46,432
Great.
Let's do it.

391
00:16:53,381 --> 00:16:54,833
The drawbridge is lowering.

392
00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:02,683
My carpal tunnel's acting up.

393
00:17:02,685 --> 00:17:04,102
Play through
the pain!

394
00:17:15,324 --> 00:17:17,344
You did it!
The drawbridge is down.

395
00:17:17,346 --> 00:17:18,931
You cross the chasm

396
00:17:18,933 --> 00:17:21,771
and find yourself in
a small dungeon room.

397
00:17:21,773 --> 00:17:24,425
And in the corner,
chained to the wall,

398
00:17:24,427 --> 00:17:27,014
you see a bloodied and beaten
Santa Claus.

399
00:17:27,016 --> 00:17:30,688
He says, "Ho, ho, help me."

400
00:17:30,690 --> 00:17:33,210
Yes, we found Santa!

401
00:17:33,212 --> 00:17:35,214
Christmas is saved!

402
00:17:35,216 --> 00:17:37,886
Don't ever tell
my mother I said that.

403
00:17:38,972 --> 00:17:40,875
I take out
my skeleton key

404
00:17:40,877 --> 00:17:42,646
and run to Santa
to unchain him.

405
00:17:42,648 --> 00:17:44,650
But first, I cast
a spell of paralysis

406
00:17:44,652 --> 00:17:47,104
on Stuart and Howard.
Wait, what are you doing?

407
00:17:47,106 --> 00:17:49,425
You can't talk;
you're paralyzed.

408
00:17:49,427 --> 00:17:53,366
I get right up in Santa's
big, fat face and say...

409
00:17:53,368 --> 00:17:54,903
Well, well, well,

410
00:17:54,905 --> 00:17:57,591
jolly old Saint Nick,
we meet again.

411
00:17:57,593 --> 00:17:59,278
Yeah, I believe
the last time we spoke

412
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:02,351
was in the Baybrook Mall
in Galveston, Texas,

413
00:18:02,353 --> 00:18:04,605
when I was five years old,
isn't that right?

414
00:18:04,607 --> 00:18:06,827
Uh, okay.

415
00:18:06,829 --> 00:18:08,263
My mother
dragged me there

416
00:18:08,265 --> 00:18:10,150
and she plopped me
down on your lap

417
00:18:10,152 --> 00:18:12,454
and you asked me
what I wanted for Christmas.

418
00:18:12,456 --> 00:18:14,408
And I told you "my Pop-Pop,"

419
00:18:14,410 --> 00:18:16,947
because that was the year
my grandfather died.

420
00:18:16,949 --> 00:18:19,786
I missed him
and I wanted him back.

421
00:18:20,639 --> 00:18:23,143
This is weird, right?

422
00:18:26,150 --> 00:18:28,069
Pop-Pop was the only one
in my family

423
00:18:28,071 --> 00:18:29,940
who encouraged me
to pursue science.

424
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,144
But you didn't bring
him back, did you?

425
00:18:32,146 --> 00:18:34,867
Instead, I got Lincoln Logs.

426
00:18:34,869 --> 00:18:38,824
Well, you can build a lot of
neat things out of Lincoln Logs,

427
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:40,678
but Pop-Pop ain't one of 'em.

428
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:44,001
And now you're here
asking me for something...

429
00:18:44,003 --> 00:18:45,337
to save you.

430
00:18:45,339 --> 00:18:49,679
Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle,
but today's not your day.

431
00:18:49,681 --> 00:18:51,232
I'm leaving you here to rot,

432
00:18:51,234 --> 00:18:53,905
and I hope the ogres
feast on your bones.

433
00:18:53,907 --> 00:18:57,461
I take the skeleton key,
and I toss it into the chasm,

434
00:18:57,463 --> 00:18:59,465
and on the way out, I give Santa

435
00:18:59,467 --> 00:19:02,504
a swift kick in his
bowl full of jelly!

436
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,229
Okay.

437
00:19:06,231 --> 00:19:09,435
So Wolowitz and Stuart
are paralyzed, Santa's dead,

438
00:19:09,437 --> 00:19:12,892
and I picked this over
having sex with my girlfriend.

439
00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:32,370
Santa?

440
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:36,863
Oh, hello, Sheldon.

441
00:19:36,865 --> 00:19:39,084
You should be asleep.

442
00:19:39,086 --> 00:19:41,204
Well, then, you shouldn't have
jingle bells on your boots.

443
00:19:41,206 --> 00:19:42,457
Oh...

444
00:19:43,259 --> 00:19:45,914
I've been wanting
to talk to you.

445
00:19:45,916 --> 00:19:50,106
I'm sorry I disappointed you
when you were a little boy.

446
00:19:50,908 --> 00:19:54,597
I-I can do a lot
of magical things,

447
00:19:54,599 --> 00:19:59,157
but unfortunately bringing your
Pop-Pop back isn't one of them.

448
00:19:59,993 --> 00:20:02,113
I understand.

449
00:20:02,115 --> 00:20:05,503
But I-I do have
something special for you.

450
00:20:06,355 --> 00:20:08,125
Close your eyes.

451
00:20:09,980 --> 00:20:12,466
Oh, I hope it's a train.

452
00:20:12,468 --> 00:20:15,657
Oh, it's better than a train.

453
00:20:15,659 --> 00:20:18,913
Two trains?

454
00:20:18,915 --> 00:20:20,650
Better.

455
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:22,838
I'm getting three trains.

456
00:20:24,676 --> 00:20:26,712
Okay, open 'em.

457
00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:32,506
This is for leaving me
in the dungeon

458
00:20:32,508 --> 00:20:35,362
to be eaten alive by ogres!

459
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:36,816
Wait, uh, uh, hang on.

460
00:20:36,818 --> 00:20:37,901
I-In my defense...

461
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:40,406
Ho, ho, ho, ya big dork!

462
00:20:41,325 --> 00:20:46,330
== sync, corrected by elderman ==