Are you Diana?
You the one Ivan sent?
Yeah.
- Oh, it's all there. - Says who?
You? I don't know you.
Okay, says Ivan.
Who says I trust Ivan?
I don't trust my own fucking granddaughter.
She's a liar.
Okay.
Hmm.
Thank you.
In the future, never hand over the money till you see what you're buying.
It's a dead giveaway you're new at this.
It's all there, sweetheart?
Why? You got somewhere to be?
Maybe.
Now click your heels together three times and get the fuck out of my hair.
Okay.
I like your attitude, though.
Hey.
Hi.
Um…
I'm so sorry, I'm not here for that.
I am. So can you show me some respect?
Yeah, of... of course. I just don't have any cash on me.
So I jus... I just didn't want to engage without the cash.
Unless you take Zelle.
I'm just waiting on my sister who's dropping off an application. So…
Wow. Unbelieva...
- Time check? - Yeah.
Um… Six minutes.
Okay. I told you, you didn't have to worry for ten. That's four under.
What a skill, Morgan. Congratulations.
Can we leave? It smells like bleach in here.
- Okay, yeah. Sure. - Okay.
You know, for a second there, I was actually thinking about doing it.
You do understand you can't just sit at the bottom of the pole
begging people for money, right? You have to, like, work at it.
I don't know. I feel like I'm getting good at this.
Running errands for a strange Russian man?
- Yeah. Kind of. - Okay, Morgan, for sure.
- That's great. - All right.
It's 6:00 a.m.
- So I'm gonna just get back to bed. - You're gonna go? Okay.
- Okay? - I'm up though.
- Did you want to… - Huh?
- Do you want to get food? - No.
Where were you?
Hmm?
Where were you?
I had a parishioner in the hospital with double pneumonia.
Hmm.
- Who was it? - Uh…
Jessica. Do... Uh, Jessica's uncle. Do you... do you...
- I don't know… - Hmm.
You might not have… met him.
Oh. Go back to bed.
I've really been enjoying staying over here the past few nights.
Me too.
You're worried she's been judging us?
I like to think she's pretty progressive.
This is the most fun she's had in years.
Why is it that religion has such a problem
with two people who are in love with each other?
Because God is perfect, but the people who interpret him are not.
So you're just gonna leave me hanging...
I'm sorry, did you say something to me?
Yeah, I said I love you.
I love you too.
Now can you promise me you will honor this moment by having a good day
without twisting it into some kind of problem?
You're so much hotter when you're happy.
Things are good. They're good.
Gnarly rash, gone.
Why did you bring the rash into this?
We were having such a nice… moment.
Oh, come here.
Fuck.
Okay.
Sure you wanna keep these? They're her high school yearbooks.
Nicholas, do you want to keep them?
Because I have to check out in half an hour.
This is like a hotel for people circling the drain.
- Okay. - This is what she wanted.
She wasn't attached to anything.
She was a very unromantic, practical woman.
Okay. I mean, she wanted the necklace.
What necklace?
The necklace she was buried in.
- She wanted that. - Oh, she didn't care about that.
That was more for me. I wanted her to have something nice.
Donate.
Holy shit.
Uh…
I don't know. An old box of tennis ticket stubs?
Oh, she would want Dina to have those. Let's set those aside for Dina Caputo.
Sorry, you don't want anything,
but you want Dina Caputo to have an old box of tennis ticket stubs?
It was just something that they did together.
- I have long suspected… - Okay.
…that your grandmother was a lesbian.
Excuse me?
And that she and Dina would have been together if things had been different.
Dina's had that haircut her entire life.
- I saw them holding hands once. - What?
I think that's why she was so difficult to deal with.
Dad died so young, she never remarried,
and I think it was because she was in love with Dina Caputo. Trash.
Avoiding intimacy for such a long time can really harden a person, hon,
to the point where you fear any semblance of softness.
The truth is, everybody deserves love and a good sex life.
Yeah, I mean, you know.
I know it's been a while since Dad,
but you… you are more than welcome to date.
- There's nothing stopping you from that. - I was talking about you.
- Me? - You think I'm a hard woman?
No, I don't.
You... You think I'm a hard person?
I think that you have made some very selfless decisions in your life,
but if I'm being honest, sometimes I get scared
that your closest relationship is with God.
And don't take this the wrong way, honey,
but God isn't touching your body for pleasure.
All right, Ma. I… I...
No, honey, I know that it's a sacred relationship,
but you know what I'm… talking about.
I mean, yeah, I do, but…
I have a lot of relationships that I'm grateful for in my life, okay?
I'm… I'm choosing… happiness.
You know? So you… you don't need to worry about me.
Okay, well, that's good.
I just felt like I had to say that out loud.
And you did. So…
And I do have sex, Nicholas.
All right, I don't need to hear about that.
No, I do. No. But I'm glad that I come across as some spinster
who tucks herself into bed and says a prayer and goes to sleep.
- I think you're reading into something. - I am not my mother.
Well, all right.
Hi, Mrs. Morelli.
Uh, I just wanted to check in and see if you had any idea about your ETD.
I do not. I will come get you when we're finished,
and I would have killed for this level of attentiveness
when my mother was actually in this room.
Okay.
Jesus Christ.
What?
- What? What are you looking at? - Nothing. I'm not looking at anything.
- What are you thinking? - I'm not thinking anything.
- No, I know. Turn it off. - Okay.
I have my first debate this afternoon.
I have been under a tremendous amount of stress.
So that's a very different situation.
Yeah. Soft.
Trash.
She's just mean…
…for no reason.
And some of the times, I think it's kind of hot.
In like a "pain is pleasure" kind of way.
But some of the times, you know, I just, like, wish that it was easier.
Well, how am I supposed to tell the difference?
Is that a real question or a reaction?
I don't know. Both.
I mean, he's calling me mean. I feel the need to defend myself.
Defend yourself.
Would you describe the current state of your relationship as, uh, combative?
- No. - Fuck, yeah.
I would describe it as me having opinions and Max throwing tantrums.
When you use words like "tantrum,"
can you see how that can be perceived as an attack on Max?
Thank you.
Yeah, you, like, push me for no reason.
Stop saying that. I... It's not for no reason.
I'm pushing you because maybe deep down, right, I am waiting for you to push back,
and you never do.
And it is so unattractive. Like, I want you to get mad.
I'm an only child, Morgan.
I didn't grow up in some emotional war zone like you did, okay?
This is all that I know.
So if that's unattractive to you, fine.
Trust me, you can be very unattractive to me sometimes too.
Okay, see, this is what I'm talking about.
- What are you talking about? - You sticking up for yourself!
Oh! Oh, you want me to talk to you like this all the time?
- Yell and scream? - Not all the time! Maybe sometimes.
- I am so bored a lot of the time. And... - Oh my God.
- Bored. I'm boring. Oh, I'm boring. - I'm not saying you're boring!
- I'm a boring boyfriend. - I didn't say you were boring.
Okay! Okay!
This is good.
But I think we have to bottle this feeling between you two in a way that's…
Well, it's not this.
Look, relationships are supposed to be a safe place.
And, Morgan, perhaps if you're looking to be challenged,
finding outlets outside the relationship might allow for more…
patience and warmth with Max, which…
It's a different kind of excitement.
I just want you to look at me the way that you used to look at me.
I want that too.
Okay, when she ended things after high school and moved to New York,
I thought, "Wow, what a fucking bitch." Right?
But also, like, "There goes the most interesting person I've ever met."
You're saying it like it's like I did something special.
New York is, like, a 30-minute train ride from here.
Okay, but people don't just do that, Morgan.
They don't just, like, oh, leave home to go pursue their dreams.
Yeah...
Then I didn't book any jobs and I ran out of money, so, yeah…
Who fucking cares?
Who cares? You have all these worldly experiences.
I want to experience something worldly with you
that isn't just my mom taking us to Cabo.
We should go to fucking Burning Man.
We're not gonna go to Burning Man, but I get what you're saying, you know?
Like, I understand. I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna step out for one second.
I just have to take this, but I'm... I'm really sorry.
I think you both want the same things.
Okay, what is up with you?
What do you mean?
Uh, I don't know. Something is off.
You... you haven't complained once. You're borderline pleasant.
I'm having a nice day, okay?
I realize that there's no point in making our situation any worse
than it already is.
We don't actually know if these people are criminals.
I mean, you know… I… I don't know.
They could just be overextended and needing a few extra hands.
That's…
We are driving to pick up a stranger from prison. Are you okay?
I'm leaning into joy today, Morgan.
I'm trying to have a nice, happy, meaningful life today.
Don't you find it demeaning, though?
That they send us on these little gofer errands.
It's like they think we're not capable of more.
We don't want them thinking we're capable of more, Morgan. Why would we want that?
I don't know. If you're gonna send me to the strip club, put me on the pole.
- You know? - I've never had that thought.
And what even is a medium-security prison?
Like, what do you even have to do to be "mediumly" secured?
I don't... I don't care.
- It's a very organized system. - Ma'am.
- Pop the trunk. - Oh.
Pop the trunk.
It's strict here.
- Do you have anything in your trunk? - No.
- Is there anything in there? - No.
- Ma'am. - Mm-hmm.
Are you aware that you have six cases of Four Loko in the trunk of your car?
- What? - Fucking Max.
- Who drinks that? - No, I wasn't aware of that.
I can't let you in with drinks in your trunk.
- Come on. - I'm gonna have to walk, then.
Uh, no, I'll go. I'll go. I'll do it.
As much as I'd love to send you into a prison,
Reverend Dardano is supposed to be picking up an incarcerated parishioner…
…he's been counseling, okay? So.
This sucks.
Say a prayer.
Do I have to go around?
Hi, I'm here to take you to your apartment
and offer whatever rehabilitative... reha... rehabilitative services…
Okay.
Hello.
Are you… are you Andrei?
Who the fuck are you?
Oh, I'm, um… I'm Pastor Dardano.
I'm here to take you to your new apartment, um,
and offer whatever rehabilitative services you would like for your reentry.
Um, do you have everything you need, or…?
Where's Ivan?
Oh, right. Um…
Ivan thought it would be better if I came to pick you up,
just optically speaking.
- Why are you whispering? - I don't know.
I'm not quite sure why I'm whispering, actually.
Where's the car?
Oh, okay, so we couldn't park in here, so it's just a quick 10 to 15 this way.
If you want to come with... Okay.
Mm-hmm.
You must be relieved to be out of prison.
- I don't wanna talk! - Okay.
Linda.
Oh, hi. Hi, Annette.
- Hi. - You look fabulous.
Oh, thank you, Annette.
All right, everyone, settle down, please.
Settle down.
First of all, I would like to thank the both of you for being here today.
- Thank you for having us both. - Of course, glad to be here.
All right, well, let me begin with an easy question
to get things rolling.
What distinguishes each of you from the other candidate?
- Linda, we'll start with you. - Yes.
I know... Thank you for the question, Jane.
I know this town like the back of my hand.
I was born here. Um…
My family has owned Morelli's Hardware for over 70 years.
I raised my kids here, and I have watched this town grow,
which is why I have a strong desire
to preserve the Glenview that I know and love
and to restore a sense of safety and security
that has long been associated with it.
Just last week, my son was assaulted on the street for being gay.
That is not the town that I know.
That is not the town that I love.
Now more than ever, we need a leader who has seen this town at its very best.
Tom, same question.
Well, first off, I just want to say that I find it heartbreaking
that Linda Morelli doesn't seem to like this town very much.
Hmm?
I happen to love this town. Always have, always will.
That's not, uh, what I said in the...
Sorry, Linda. It is Tom's time to answer the question. You will get a rebuttal.
- Well… - But I didn't...
Let me just say…
I am in agreement. Hate crimes have no place in this town.
- Well, duh. - Well…
But do we really want someone's mom dictating policy
based on what happens to her kids?
I mean, if her daughter gets a flat tire,
will we suddenly have to, uh, repave every road?
Sorry, Tom, but, uh, is that your answer
to what distinguishes you as a… a candidate?
Because, um, it's easy to critique somebody else's answer
when you haven't an... answered one.
Wow, see, I didn't know you were running for the job of moderator. Huh.
Watch out, Jane.
Uh, okay. Well, as the owner of 38 Jimmy John's,
my employee count is ten times the size of this city council
and likely 20 times the size of whoever Linda's got on staff
at her little, uh, shop.
I know how to manage people, and I know how to manage places.
My opponent, who seems very nice,
feels better suited to run our neighborhood watch programs
than lead our entire municipal government.
Tom, you better be careful there,
because you're starting to sound a little bit misogynistic.
Uh-oh. There it is. I've awoken the beast.
We get it, Linda. You're tough.
I'm starting to understand how you managed to scare off the chief of police.
Excuse me?
Morgan, he's smoking in the car.
- Put the window down. - Yeah.
Jesus.
He put the window back up. Can you...
- What is going on here? - Okay.
So, um…
What were you in for?
- It's better you don't know. - Okay.
Okay, that's the scariest answer…
…you could've possibly given me.
- Thank you. - Oh, God.
Yeah, we have him. We're… We're driving to the apartment.
- No, you're not. - What do you mean, "we're not"?
- Put him on speakerphone. - What do you mean? What...
What do you mean, "No, we're not"? We're… we're in the car with him.
No, you're fucking not!
The apartment won't be ready until tomorrow
because someone asked to have it fucking repainted.
Don't put this on me.
Okay. Well, how long does it take to paint an apartment?
He says two coats. There's no point in only doing one.
- I've slept in worse. - He won't let me in.
The walls are wet. The room stinks.
Who the fuck asked for paint?
- I'm not in… I don't... I don't know, okay? - Hi, Mom.
Morgan, what are you doing on Nicholas's phone? Put me on speaker.
- Oh, I don't think that works right now. - Hold please.
No, Morgan, this is a crisis. I need to talk to both of you.
- What is she saying? - Okay.
The debate was a disaster. We're having an emergency family dinner at the house.
Hello? Who the fuck is that? Who else is in the car?
Nobody else is in the car.
Someone else is in the car? Where are you?
Ma, tonight doesn't really work for me, because I promised Max
we were gonna have a romantic night in.
Uh, okay, well, Nicky, be here in 30 minutes.
- Who is this woman? - I hear someone's voice.
Who the fuck is talking right now?
No... Nobody's talking. It's... Mom, I'm with a parishioner, okay?
I don't think I'm gonna be home, so I… I… I don't think I can make dinner.
No, Nicholas! This is nonnegotiable.
I got raked over the coals by a sandwich king at the debate.
- What? What is she talking about? - I need some help here.
If you need to, bring your friend to dinner.
He's not my friend.
But be here by 7:00. You know how I hate using the warming drawer.
- Lady. - Is that your friend?
Tell him I'm making chicken cacciatore.
I don't know what the fuck is going on.
But someone take me the fucking off of speakerphone right now!
He called me an animal. It was humiliating.
Well, what made him say that? Were you yelling at him?
Was I yelling at him?
No, I was defending myself,
and on top of that, he added absolutely nothing of value
except that his grandfather apparently invented the French dip.
But the most disturbing part of it was, people seemed to side with him.
This is the most delicious chicken I've ever had.
Every night I've dreamed of a meal like this.
Oh.
I think he's crying.
Well, thank you very much. It was my mother's recipe.
She was an excellent cook and a notoriously difficult woman,
which apparently, is not a recessive gene in this family.
- Mom, nobody thinks that, okay? - Mmm.
You are being way too hard on yourself.
Nicky brought it up this morning.
I never said you were turning into your mother.
Can you make my life easier for just one fucking day?
He's scared.
Excuse me?
This Donaldson.
A strong man would not be intimidated by a strong woman.
- Now you know his weakness. - Mm-hmm.
Weakness always exposes itself.
Oof.
- Interesting. - Okay.
I'd like to know more. Nicky, grab another bottle of wine.
Okay.
- Oh, yeah. - Um…
So,
more chicken?
- Mmm. - Okay.
You know, you never actually said how you know my son.
He picked me up from prison.
A-ha.
That's fabulous.
I…
Um, which one?
Good day?
Yeah, actually.
I DoorDashed from that chicken spot we went to
on our first date back in high school.
Didn't ask you, just did it.
Wait, I thought they shut down because of a health code violation.
Yeah. New management.
Fuck, yes!
Yeah. And I lit some candles.
One of them turns into body oil. I don't remember which.
Um, is it weird to eat chicken with your dick out?
It's just something you're gonna have to deal with.
- I see you sprung for the best of. - Mm-hmm.
That's very generous.
And two skinny margs.
Mm-hmm.
Ah...
Rude bitches don't get chicken nuggets. Look again.
Okay.
Fuck.
- Yeah, I'll give you this one. - Mm-hmm.
That was a shocking story.
Clearly, you were framed.
It was a setup.
This is the problem with the judicial system.
- Back in my country, I was a surgeon. - Mmm.
Oh, I want to apologize to you on behalf of America.
I am truly sorry for what we have put you through.
- I had a cab driver just a week ago… - Hm.
…who was a dermatologist in Mumbai.
- And thanks to that wonderful man… - Mmm.
…I now have a checkup on the mole on my neck.
- Okay, um, I should go. - Mmm.
Yeah. Yeah, Kevin's Oura Ring says he hasn't moved in ten hours.
Uh-oh.
So…
Um…
I guess we will just discuss post-debate strategy tomorrow.
Yes, strategy in the morning.
Andrei had some great ideas. I appreciate you.
Oh, fabulous. That's great.
Okay.
Drink some water.
I never noticed how much your skin glows.
Jergens.
Do me a favor.
Do not leave Mom alone with a criminal.
I got him an Airbnb.
She's having a nice time. I think it's sweet.
I will take him home when they start slurring, okay?
Let love in, Natalie.
Okay. I don't know what this radical optimism is, but I don't like it.
Good night.
Take care of her.
Where is she?
- At home, I imagine. - No, she's not.
Ooh.
Oh.
Oh my…
What time is it?
- Mom is having sex with Andrei. - Who?
The man we picked up from prison.
Oh my God.
Okay, okay.
Put the phone up to the wall.
I'm not… You're sick.
That is a sick, sick… I will not do that.
Oh my God, whatever. How's it going? Is she having fun?
From the sounds of it, he's a very generous lover. Yeah.
Well, yeah. That makes sense. He just got out of prison.
She's probably getting railed up there.
I can't.
Why is Natalie calling me?
What is she doing up? It's, like, 12:30. Doesn't she go to bed at 8?
- Can I help you? - Check fraud.
Credit card fraud. Identity theft.
Forgery. Importing an illegal flamethrower.
Nicky, tell me that man is out of our house.
Yeah. Yeah, I dropped him off hours ago. So, yeah, he's gone.
Oh my God. Thank God.
Because, honestly, Nicky, that is, like, the last thing Mom needs right now.
Nat... I won't... And I don't… We're done, okay?
It's done, Natalie. So, um, um, go back to bed.
Tell Mom I miss her.
Yeah. Bye.
- Hi. - What did she want?
Well, apparently, Andrei was in prison for importing an illegal flamethrower.
- A what? - A flamethrower, Morgan.
Importing an illegal flamethrower.
Whoa. Is he singing?
That's singing.
He's good.