1 00:00:11,223 --> 00:00:13,642 Say when. 2 00:00:15,644 --> 00:00:17,104 When. 3 00:00:17,187 --> 00:00:19,356 Yeah, you'll never guess who's here. 4 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:21,108 Think '90s. 5 00:00:21,191 --> 00:00:24,862 No, BoJack Horseman from Horsin' Around. 6 00:00:24,946 --> 00:00:26,697 No, I mean, he got a little fatter, 7 00:00:26,781 --> 00:00:28,282 but it's definitely him. 8 00:00:28,365 --> 00:00:30,868 He looks really sad. It's hilarious. 9 00:00:32,035 --> 00:00:33,579 Get over here now. 10 00:00:37,291 --> 00:00:39,084 I told you, I don't know where it is. 11 00:00:39,167 --> 00:00:41,670 Don't put things in my butt if you want them back. 12 00:00:43,171 --> 00:00:46,008 And hold for Princess Carolyn, please. 13 00:00:46,091 --> 00:00:47,217 Thanks, Laura. 14 00:00:54,266 --> 00:00:56,184 BoJack, it's your favorite agent. 15 00:00:56,268 --> 00:00:57,895 Yeah, some agent, you couldn't even get me 16 00:00:57,979 --> 00:00:59,396 in the room for War Horse. 17 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,231 There were, like, ten horses in that movie. 18 00:01:01,315 --> 00:01:02,900 I didn't need to be the warhorse. 19 00:01:02,984 --> 00:01:04,693 Listen, dummy, I want to make sure you're all set 20 00:01:04,777 --> 00:01:06,361 for your first day with Diane tomorrow. 21 00:01:06,445 --> 00:01:08,572 Is she gonna ask me a bunch of personal questions? 22 00:01:08,656 --> 00:01:10,950 The woman we're paying to ghostwrite your memoir? 23 00:01:11,033 --> 00:01:12,409 Yeah, probably. 24 00:01:12,493 --> 00:01:14,286 Okay, all right, there's no need to get... 25 00:01:14,369 --> 00:01:16,455 What, catty? Are you gonna say catty? 26 00:01:16,538 --> 00:01:19,708 - I was not gonna say catty. - Oh, what were you gonna say? 27 00:01:19,792 --> 00:01:22,461 I was gonna say catty because you're a cat. 28 00:01:22,544 --> 00:01:24,296 Goodbye, BoJack. 29 00:01:24,379 --> 00:01:26,173 Laura, I know you're listening. You got it, right? 30 00:01:26,256 --> 00:01:28,216 Laura, do not respond to him. Goodbye, BoJack. 31 00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:31,261 She got it. 32 00:01:34,932 --> 00:01:36,558 Oh, my God. Take another one. 33 00:01:36,642 --> 00:01:38,894 Take another one. 34 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,358 Excuse me, I just wanted you to know 35 00:01:44,441 --> 00:01:46,610 that you ruined someone else's night tonight, 36 00:01:46,694 --> 00:01:48,487 and I hope you have enough decency 37 00:01:48,570 --> 00:01:50,739 to at least feel a little bit crappy about it. 38 00:01:50,823 --> 00:01:52,033 Excuse me? 39 00:01:52,115 --> 00:01:53,909 I was actually already in a bad mood, 40 00:01:53,993 --> 00:01:55,494 but I thought maybe for one night, 41 00:01:55,577 --> 00:01:58,539 I could go out to a bar and try to forget about myself, 42 00:01:58,622 --> 00:02:00,123 but now because of you and your friends, 43 00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:02,459 I feel more self-conscious than ever. 44 00:02:02,543 --> 00:02:03,794 If we were bothering you so much, 45 00:02:03,878 --> 00:02:05,504 why didn't you just leave? 46 00:02:05,587 --> 00:02:07,840 Because I didn't think of that, and now I feel stupid. 47 00:02:07,923 --> 00:02:09,050 Look, I have a right to be here. 48 00:02:09,132 --> 00:02:10,551 No! 49 00:02:10,676 --> 00:02:13,554 Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty, 50 00:02:13,637 --> 00:02:15,305 you're used to getting away with things, 51 00:02:15,389 --> 00:02:17,683 but I want you to know that your actions 52 00:02:17,766 --> 00:02:20,227 have an effect on others, and I hate you, 53 00:02:20,310 --> 00:02:22,104 and you are a horrible person, 54 00:02:22,187 --> 00:02:25,148 and you not understanding that you're a horrible person 55 00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:29,236 doesn't make you less of a horrible person. 56 00:02:29,319 --> 00:02:31,279 You think I'm pretty? 57 00:02:39,204 --> 00:02:40,748 Well, that was another in a long series 58 00:02:40,831 --> 00:02:42,499 of regrettable life choices. 59 00:02:42,583 --> 00:02:44,126 What'd you say? 60 00:02:44,209 --> 00:02:47,212 I was tweeting about all the weird stuff you do in bed. 61 00:03:46,855 --> 00:03:48,149 - Good morning. - Ah! 62 00:03:48,231 --> 00:03:49,191 Why are you here? 63 00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:50,525 I slept here. 64 00:03:50,609 --> 00:03:51,902 Yeah, but why are you still here? 65 00:03:51,986 --> 00:03:53,403 Breakfast. 66 00:03:53,487 --> 00:03:55,238 That better not be my last Toaster Strudel. 67 00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:56,657 No, there were three left. 68 00:03:56,740 --> 00:03:57,950 Well, get out of here. 69 00:03:58,033 --> 00:04:00,035 My memoirist is gonna show up soon, 70 00:04:00,119 --> 00:04:01,620 and I don't need you... 71 00:04:01,703 --> 00:04:03,413 - What's your name? - Pam. 72 00:04:03,497 --> 00:04:07,459 I don't need you Pam-ing up the place when she gets here. 73 00:04:07,542 --> 00:04:10,129 - Hey, BoJack. - Ah! Why are you here? 74 00:04:10,212 --> 00:04:12,422 - You told me to come at 9:00. - That doesn't sound like me. 75 00:04:12,506 --> 00:04:14,424 I have your email right here. 76 00:04:14,508 --> 00:04:17,385 "Diane, why don't you come over Tuesday morning at 9:00? 77 00:04:17,469 --> 00:04:19,262 Also, you should bring this email with you 78 00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:20,931 because I might not remember it because I just took 79 00:04:21,015 --> 00:04:23,184 a bunch of horse tranquilizers, ha ha. 80 00:04:23,266 --> 00:04:24,601 Also, please don't put in my book 81 00:04:24,685 --> 00:04:26,478 that I use horse tranquilizers, ha ha. 82 00:04:26,561 --> 00:04:28,772 I just use a small dose to help me fall asleep at night 83 00:04:28,856 --> 00:04:30,398 and then a much, much larger dose 84 00:04:30,482 --> 00:04:31,942 to get me through the day. 85 00:04:32,026 --> 00:04:33,485 Also, I'm drunk. 86 00:04:33,568 --> 00:04:36,655 Also, I'm alone, so alone, so, so alone. 87 00:04:36,738 --> 00:04:38,448 Please don't put that in my book, 88 00:04:38,532 --> 00:04:40,993 book, book, book 'em, dildo. 89 00:04:41,076 --> 00:04:42,828 Does it taste like magenta in here?" 90 00:04:42,911 --> 00:04:44,579 Then I think you fell asleep on the keyboard 91 00:04:44,663 --> 00:04:46,915 because it just says the letter "B" 27 times. 92 00:04:46,999 --> 00:04:48,625 That does sound like me. 93 00:04:48,709 --> 00:04:50,585 Well, anyway, this is my businessperson... 94 00:04:50,669 --> 00:04:52,129 Excuse me? 95 00:04:52,213 --> 00:04:54,006 Here to help me with some business needs. 96 00:04:54,089 --> 00:04:56,008 - All very above board. - Uh, what'd you say? 97 00:04:56,091 --> 00:04:57,509 No need to mention her in the book either, 98 00:04:57,592 --> 00:04:58,802 unless it's a business book. 99 00:04:58,886 --> 00:05:02,014 - Ha ha, classic BoJack. 100 00:05:02,097 --> 00:05:03,807 Why are you here? 101 00:05:03,891 --> 00:05:07,228 Oh, funny story, I'm filming a reality show later, 102 00:05:07,310 --> 00:05:11,273 so I thought I'd drop by with the old tennis ball and chain. 103 00:05:11,356 --> 00:05:14,235 That is neither funny nor a story 104 00:05:14,317 --> 00:05:16,153 nor a reason for you to drop by. 105 00:05:16,237 --> 00:05:18,113 Aw, he just wanted to come over and brag 106 00:05:18,197 --> 00:05:19,656 about his reality show. 107 00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:23,118 Get this, I am starring in a pilot presentation 108 00:05:23,202 --> 00:05:25,287 for a celebrity reality show. 109 00:05:25,370 --> 00:05:26,580 It's pretty cutting edge, huh? 110 00:05:26,663 --> 00:05:28,082 Yeah, if it's 2003. 111 00:05:28,165 --> 00:05:30,667 Ha ha. Don't tell VH1 that. 112 00:05:30,751 --> 00:05:33,087 Seriously, though, please don't tell VH1 that. 113 00:05:33,170 --> 00:05:35,547 We are calling it Peanutbutter and Jelly. 114 00:05:35,630 --> 00:05:36,924 Get it? 115 00:05:37,007 --> 00:05:39,426 - Because I'm Mr. Peanutbutter. - Okay, who's jelly? 116 00:05:39,509 --> 00:05:41,136 No, no, no. It's like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 117 00:05:41,220 --> 00:05:42,554 It's wordplay. 118 00:05:42,637 --> 00:05:44,139 You may have too forgiving a definition 119 00:05:44,223 --> 00:05:45,266 of the word "wordplay." 120 00:05:45,348 --> 00:05:47,142 Well, it's a working title. 121 00:05:47,226 --> 00:05:49,978 Well, it could be working harder, and that's wordplay. 122 00:05:50,062 --> 00:05:51,313 How'd you even get in here? 123 00:05:51,396 --> 00:05:52,606 Your roommate let us in. 124 00:05:52,689 --> 00:05:54,649 Mi casa es su casa. 125 00:05:54,733 --> 00:05:56,735 And that is the last of the Toaster Strudels, 126 00:05:56,818 --> 00:05:58,237 and now my morning is ruined. 127 00:05:58,320 --> 00:05:59,696 Could you guys keep it down, okay? 128 00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:01,531 I'm kind of on a date right now. 129 00:06:01,615 --> 00:06:03,992 In America, 130 00:06:04,076 --> 00:06:07,329 I am actually considered very handsome. 131 00:06:08,830 --> 00:06:10,332 Okay, I'm gonna go get breakfast, 132 00:06:10,415 --> 00:06:12,293 and when I get back, I want everyone out of my house 133 00:06:12,375 --> 00:06:17,714 except for you and you and... 134 00:06:17,798 --> 00:06:19,967 - Who are you again? - The girl you had sex with. 135 00:06:20,050 --> 00:06:22,177 Right. You definitely should have already been gone. 136 00:06:25,430 --> 00:06:26,932 I really shouldn't eat chocolate 137 00:06:27,015 --> 00:06:28,683 'cause it can literally kill me. 138 00:06:28,767 --> 00:06:30,311 Oh, I know. 139 00:06:30,393 --> 00:06:33,272 - But I love chocolate. - Story of my life. 140 00:06:41,822 --> 00:06:43,782 Hey, excuse me. 141 00:06:43,865 --> 00:06:46,785 Yes, I am BoJack Horseman, star of Horsin' Around. 142 00:06:46,868 --> 00:06:48,287 Yeah, okay, I don't care. 143 00:06:48,370 --> 00:06:49,871 Those are my muffins. 144 00:06:49,955 --> 00:06:51,706 I'm sorry, I... I don't understand. 145 00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:53,917 Did you bring them into the store with you? 146 00:06:54,001 --> 00:06:56,461 No, but I was going to buy them. 147 00:06:56,544 --> 00:06:58,421 That's the last box, and I had dibs on them. 148 00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:00,966 Really? You had dibs? 149 00:07:01,049 --> 00:07:02,801 Yeah, dibs. 150 00:07:02,884 --> 00:07:04,178 I just put them down for a second 151 00:07:04,261 --> 00:07:05,762 while I went to the bathroom. 152 00:07:05,846 --> 00:07:07,306 Look, I don't even want the muffins. 153 00:07:07,389 --> 00:07:09,224 I was just looking at them, but I got to say, 154 00:07:09,308 --> 00:07:11,476 if you put muffins down, they're not your muffins. 155 00:07:11,559 --> 00:07:12,936 So what, I was supposed to take them 156 00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:14,562 into the bathroom with me? 157 00:07:14,646 --> 00:07:16,439 You didn't even put the muffins in a cart. 158 00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:17,607 You just left them out here. 159 00:07:17,691 --> 00:07:19,734 Yeah, in the produce section. 160 00:07:19,818 --> 00:07:22,196 Clearly, muffins aren't supposed to be in the produce section. 161 00:07:22,279 --> 00:07:24,906 That wasn't a sign to you that maybe someone else had dibs? 162 00:07:24,990 --> 00:07:26,658 Look, I don't want to get into a whole thing here. 163 00:07:26,741 --> 00:07:28,869 Then give me the muffins. 164 00:07:28,952 --> 00:07:31,955 No, 'cause maybe now I want the muffins. 165 00:07:32,039 --> 00:07:33,915 You think that because you're a pseudo-celebrity, 166 00:07:33,999 --> 00:07:35,458 normal rules don't apply to you? 167 00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:38,253 Pseudo? Would you say that to Eric McCormack? 168 00:07:38,337 --> 00:07:40,381 Look, I've had a rough morning, so I don't need... 169 00:07:40,463 --> 00:07:42,049 You've had a rough morning? 170 00:07:42,132 --> 00:07:45,427 I spent the last ten months... 171 00:07:45,510 --> 00:07:47,262 Hey! 172 00:07:47,346 --> 00:07:49,890 Sorry, wasn't listening. See ya. 173 00:07:49,973 --> 00:07:52,976 You're going to regret this, BoJack Horseman. 174 00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:54,269 Oh, really? 175 00:07:54,353 --> 00:07:56,646 I'm gonna regret buying muffins? 176 00:07:56,730 --> 00:07:59,816 What, have they got a lot of saturated fat in them? 177 00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:01,902 Oh, man, they do have a lot of saturated fat. 178 00:08:01,985 --> 00:08:03,945 Why'd I buy these? 179 00:08:08,491 --> 00:08:10,702 Man, I really regret buying those muffins 180 00:08:10,785 --> 00:08:13,038 and then eating them all on the drive home. 181 00:08:13,121 --> 00:08:14,789 Well, my date with Ayako went really well. 182 00:08:14,873 --> 00:08:15,874 Thanks for asking. 183 00:08:15,957 --> 00:08:17,334 I specifically didn't ask, 184 00:08:17,418 --> 00:08:18,919 and I'll thank you to respect 185 00:08:19,002 --> 00:08:20,587 my total lack of interest in your personal life. 186 00:08:20,670 --> 00:08:21,963 She's hilarious. 187 00:08:22,047 --> 00:08:23,965 I never met a girl who was so curious 188 00:08:24,049 --> 00:08:25,759 about American bank routing numbers. 189 00:08:25,842 --> 00:08:27,010 Still not interested. 190 00:08:27,094 --> 00:08:28,387 Should we get started on the book? 191 00:08:28,470 --> 00:08:29,846 What's your hurry? 192 00:08:29,930 --> 00:08:31,265 What do you guys think I should get Ayako 193 00:08:31,348 --> 00:08:33,267 for our 12-hour anniversary? 194 00:08:33,350 --> 00:08:36,228 She wants a framed picture of my mother's maiden name. 195 00:08:36,311 --> 00:08:37,604 Okay, let's get to work. 196 00:08:41,566 --> 00:08:43,026 Let's start at the beginning. 197 00:08:43,110 --> 00:08:45,028 What was your childhood like? 198 00:08:45,112 --> 00:08:47,239 - Normal. - Normal? 199 00:08:47,322 --> 00:08:50,451 Yeah, it was, uh, normal... normal childhood stuff. 200 00:08:50,533 --> 00:08:52,619 Here's your omelet. 201 00:08:52,702 --> 00:08:53,995 I'm sorry it's not as good 202 00:08:54,079 --> 00:08:55,914 as the omelets your secretary makes, 203 00:08:55,997 --> 00:08:58,083 but then you're not married to your secretary, are you? 204 00:08:58,166 --> 00:09:01,211 Well, maybe if my secretary also refused to get an abortion, 205 00:09:01,295 --> 00:09:02,337 I would be. 206 00:09:02,421 --> 00:09:04,298 Mommy, can I have an omelet? 207 00:09:04,381 --> 00:09:06,216 You're the birthday boy. 208 00:09:07,801 --> 00:09:09,303 Normal childhood, 209 00:09:09,386 --> 00:09:11,972 and then just get right into the big, famous part. 210 00:09:12,055 --> 00:09:13,765 Look, if you're not ready to talk, we can wait. 211 00:09:13,848 --> 00:09:15,392 I am ready to talk. 212 00:09:15,476 --> 00:09:16,977 Why wouldn't I want to talk about my parents? 213 00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:18,312 They're so normal. That's crazy. 214 00:09:18,395 --> 00:09:20,147 You sound like a crazy person, not me. 215 00:09:20,230 --> 00:09:21,564 Stop being so crazy, crazy. 216 00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,358 Why are you calling me crazy? 217 00:09:23,442 --> 00:09:26,278 Okay. Was your father... 218 00:09:26,361 --> 00:09:27,904 Hold on, I got to take this. Hello? 219 00:09:27,988 --> 00:09:29,864 Hey, BoJack, I've got Princess Carolyn for you. 220 00:09:29,948 --> 00:09:31,492 - It's urgent. - Great, put her on. 221 00:09:31,574 --> 00:09:32,742 Just a sec. I'll see if she's available. 222 00:09:36,746 --> 00:09:39,458 BoJack, are you watching MSNBSea right now? 223 00:09:39,541 --> 00:09:40,875 Great question. 224 00:09:40,959 --> 00:09:42,294 Well, I didn't fall down on my remote, 225 00:09:42,377 --> 00:09:44,587 randomly changing the channel to MSNBSea 226 00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,881 while simultaneously crippling myself, 227 00:09:46,965 --> 00:09:50,511 thus physically forcing me to watch MSNBSea, so no. 228 00:09:50,593 --> 00:09:53,180 No, I'm not watching MSNBSea right now. 229 00:09:53,263 --> 00:09:55,015 Yeah, well, Hamlet, you might want to turn it on. 230 00:09:55,098 --> 00:09:56,141 They're talking about you. 231 00:09:56,224 --> 00:09:57,809 Ooh! Good things, I hope. 232 00:10:02,147 --> 00:10:04,691 Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, 233 00:10:04,816 --> 00:10:07,235 a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. 234 00:10:07,319 --> 00:10:08,487 Welcome to the program, Neal. 235 00:10:08,570 --> 00:10:09,654 Thank you, Tom. 236 00:10:09,737 --> 00:10:11,490 Hey, I met this guy. 237 00:10:11,573 --> 00:10:13,783 All Neal wanted when he got home... 238 00:10:13,867 --> 00:10:17,204 and I emphasize, from Afghanistan... 239 00:10:17,287 --> 00:10:20,999 was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. 240 00:10:21,082 --> 00:10:23,168 When he went to the supermarket and called dibs 241 00:10:23,251 --> 00:10:24,461 on the last box... 242 00:10:24,545 --> 00:10:26,338 Well, tell us what happened, Neal. 243 00:10:26,421 --> 00:10:30,509 BoJack Horseman, from the '90s sitcom Horsin' Around, 244 00:10:30,592 --> 00:10:32,553 refused to respect my dibs. 245 00:10:32,635 --> 00:10:35,096 Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman? 246 00:10:35,180 --> 00:10:37,098 Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party. 247 00:10:37,182 --> 00:10:38,683 Oh, not the sneezing pic... 248 00:10:38,766 --> 00:10:40,435 Why do they always use the sneezing picture? 249 00:10:40,519 --> 00:10:42,604 In the '90s, we laughed at your antics. 250 00:10:42,687 --> 00:10:44,981 Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," 251 00:10:45,065 --> 00:10:46,816 we chortled in rapturous glee. 252 00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:50,445 But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women 253 00:10:50,529 --> 00:10:52,739 on the frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. 254 00:10:52,822 --> 00:10:55,409 A sick, sick joke, indeed, 255 00:10:55,492 --> 00:10:57,744 and you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer, 256 00:10:57,827 --> 00:11:00,581 for, to me, there is nothing the least bit funny 257 00:11:00,663 --> 00:11:04,251 about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL. 258 00:11:05,877 --> 00:11:09,047 Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL? 259 00:11:09,130 --> 00:11:10,632 I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL. 260 00:11:10,715 --> 00:11:12,092 I just thought he was the regular kind of seal. 261 00:11:12,175 --> 00:11:14,177 This is classic Hollywood elitism. 262 00:11:14,261 --> 00:11:16,221 BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, 263 00:11:16,304 --> 00:11:17,931 that makes him better than everybody. 264 00:11:18,014 --> 00:11:20,559 Well, guess what, BoJack, now I'm on TV, 265 00:11:20,642 --> 00:11:22,310 so now I'm better than everybody! 266 00:11:22,394 --> 00:11:24,271 That's right, Neal. 267 00:11:24,354 --> 00:11:26,856 You didn't even have dibs, you stupid sea cow. 268 00:11:26,940 --> 00:11:29,109 You guys think I should call in and set the record straight? 269 00:11:29,192 --> 00:11:31,694 BoJack, these people feed off controversy. 270 00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,863 If you dignify the story with a response, it's just gonna fan... 271 00:11:33,947 --> 00:11:35,490 I'm now receiving word 272 00:11:35,574 --> 00:11:38,452 that we've got BoJack himself on the phone. 273 00:11:38,535 --> 00:11:39,827 Sorry, stopped listening. 274 00:11:39,911 --> 00:11:41,413 You were ramping up to a "yes," right? 275 00:11:41,496 --> 00:11:43,081 BoJack, what you did today 276 00:11:43,164 --> 00:11:45,250 was a slap in the face of America's heroes. 277 00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:48,711 Will you apologize? 278 00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:51,047 Okay, enough about America's heroes. 279 00:11:51,131 --> 00:11:52,757 Can we talk about dibs? 280 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,842 Because he didn't even really have dibs. 281 00:11:54,926 --> 00:11:56,303 If he had legitimate dibs... 282 00:11:56,386 --> 00:11:57,762 Oh, I had dibs on the muffins. 283 00:11:57,845 --> 00:12:00,140 I hid them in the produce section! 284 00:12:00,223 --> 00:12:01,683 You left them totally out in the open. 285 00:12:01,766 --> 00:12:03,184 That's hiding? 286 00:12:03,268 --> 00:12:04,603 How did you survive in Afghanistan? 287 00:12:04,686 --> 00:12:05,853 Those are my muffins! 288 00:12:05,937 --> 00:12:07,814 You give me back my muffins! 289 00:12:07,897 --> 00:12:09,441 Hey, guess what, I can't give them back 290 00:12:09,524 --> 00:12:10,651 'cause I ate them all, okay? 291 00:12:10,692 --> 00:12:12,277 Dude. 292 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,321 Hold on, just to be clear, since this morning, 293 00:12:14,404 --> 00:12:16,323 you ate all the muffins? 294 00:12:16,406 --> 00:12:18,074 Yeah, I ate them all in one sitting 295 00:12:18,158 --> 00:12:20,452 because I have no self-control and I hate myself. 296 00:12:20,535 --> 00:12:22,329 Is that what you want to hear? 297 00:12:22,412 --> 00:12:23,705 Neal, was it a small container of muffins, 298 00:12:23,788 --> 00:12:25,373 like two to four muffins? 299 00:12:25,457 --> 00:12:28,251 No, Tom, there were a good deal more than that. 300 00:12:28,335 --> 00:12:30,295 Can you remember exactly how many muffins were in the box? 301 00:12:30,378 --> 00:12:32,255 Yeah, there were exactly 12! 302 00:12:32,339 --> 00:12:36,050 I ate 12 muffins, and I didn't even want one! 303 00:12:36,134 --> 00:12:38,303 There's your goddamn news story, 304 00:12:38,386 --> 00:12:41,931 the mystery of my missing goddamn self-respect! 305 00:12:46,060 --> 00:12:47,770 How'd I come off? 306 00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:51,525 Well, that went slightly better than the worst 307 00:12:51,650 --> 00:12:56,321 it could have possibly gone, so hooray? 308 00:12:59,949 --> 00:13:01,326 It's not even about the muffins. 309 00:13:01,409 --> 00:13:03,370 Everyone is just out to get me 310 00:13:03,453 --> 00:13:05,246 because I'm famous and so well-adjusted. 311 00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:06,998 Well, at least you've got some privacy. 312 00:13:07,081 --> 00:13:09,584 My boyfriend's filming a reality show at our house. 313 00:13:09,668 --> 00:13:11,586 If I want to be alone, I have to go to the roof 314 00:13:11,670 --> 00:13:13,547 because it's the only place they don't have insurance to film. 315 00:13:13,630 --> 00:13:14,797 You go on the roof? 316 00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,799 Yeah, just to get some work done. 317 00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:18,134 Is that really weird? 318 00:13:18,218 --> 00:13:19,886 No, it's adorable. 319 00:13:19,969 --> 00:13:22,055 When I was a kid, I used to climb onto the roof 320 00:13:22,138 --> 00:13:24,098 with my dad and look at the stars. 321 00:13:24,182 --> 00:13:25,183 What about you? 322 00:13:25,266 --> 00:13:27,060 Were you close with your father? 323 00:13:27,143 --> 00:13:29,354 Happy Father's Day, Daddy. 324 00:13:29,437 --> 00:13:31,105 What is this supposed to be, a lima bean? 325 00:13:31,189 --> 00:13:32,607 It's a heart. 326 00:13:32,691 --> 00:13:35,318 That's some shoddy craftsmanship, son. 327 00:13:35,402 --> 00:13:37,404 - I tried my best. - No, you didn't. 328 00:13:37,487 --> 00:13:39,030 You slacked off and took the easy way out. 329 00:13:39,113 --> 00:13:40,448 In this world, you can either 330 00:13:40,532 --> 00:13:42,033 do things the easy way or the right way. 331 00:13:42,116 --> 00:13:43,451 You take a boat from here to New York, 332 00:13:43,535 --> 00:13:45,203 you gonna go around the horn like a gentleman 333 00:13:45,286 --> 00:13:47,955 or cut through the Panama Canal like some kind of democrat? 334 00:13:48,039 --> 00:13:49,499 Um, the canal? 335 00:13:49,583 --> 00:13:53,211 You go around the horn the way God intended! 336 00:13:53,294 --> 00:13:54,295 Uneventful. 337 00:13:54,379 --> 00:13:56,506 - What? - What? 338 00:13:56,590 --> 00:13:58,341 I asked if you were close with your father, 339 00:13:58,425 --> 00:14:00,385 and you sat here in silence for five minutes 340 00:14:00,468 --> 00:14:02,679 and then said, "Uneventful." 341 00:14:02,763 --> 00:14:05,432 You know what, this is a really good conversation, 342 00:14:05,515 --> 00:14:07,016 and I definitely want to keep having it, 343 00:14:07,100 --> 00:14:09,060 but I just keep thinking about the muffins thing, 344 00:14:09,143 --> 00:14:11,104 so maybe we could put a pin in this 345 00:14:11,187 --> 00:14:12,564 thorough deconstruction of my past, 346 00:14:12,647 --> 00:14:13,815 so I can put that other thing 347 00:14:13,898 --> 00:14:15,567 to bed before it spirals out of con... 348 00:14:15,650 --> 00:14:17,235 I had dibs! 349 00:14:17,318 --> 00:14:19,821 - My dibs were on those muffins! - Your dibs were void! 350 00:14:19,904 --> 00:14:23,658 I spent a year in Afghanistan making America safer, 351 00:14:23,742 --> 00:14:25,786 and this is the thanks I get? 352 00:14:25,868 --> 00:14:28,871 Really, you, specifically, made America safer? 353 00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:31,541 Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree 354 00:14:31,625 --> 00:14:32,626 that the troops are heroes. 355 00:14:32,709 --> 00:14:34,461 I don't agree to that. 356 00:14:34,544 --> 00:14:37,171 Maybe some of the troops are heroes but not automatically. 357 00:14:37,255 --> 00:14:38,799 I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. 358 00:14:38,881 --> 00:14:40,592 Most people are jerks already, 359 00:14:40,675 --> 00:14:42,594 and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him 360 00:14:42,677 --> 00:14:43,928 it's okay to kill people 361 00:14:44,011 --> 00:14:46,640 suddenly turns that jerk into a hero. 362 00:14:48,433 --> 00:14:49,601 What? 363 00:14:50,852 --> 00:14:54,606 Did you just say you think the troops are jerks? 364 00:14:54,689 --> 00:14:56,941 Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you? 365 00:14:59,820 --> 00:15:01,195 I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. 366 00:15:01,279 --> 00:15:02,405 No, no, no. 367 00:15:02,489 --> 00:15:04,574 - The troops are jerks? - Oh, God. 368 00:15:04,658 --> 00:15:06,075 Most people are jerks already, 369 00:15:06,159 --> 00:15:07,535 and it's not like giving a jerk a gun... 370 00:15:07,619 --> 00:15:10,163 Hello? 371 00:15:10,246 --> 00:15:11,706 Princess Carolyn needs to talk to you immediately. 372 00:15:11,832 --> 00:15:12,915 Great, put her on. 373 00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:14,751 She's actually just getting out of a meeting. 374 00:15:14,835 --> 00:15:17,170 - Can you hold for a sec? - You called me. 375 00:15:21,341 --> 00:15:23,593 Ugh. 376 00:15:26,387 --> 00:15:27,639 - BoJack. - Ah! 377 00:15:27,722 --> 00:15:29,349 I'm gonna level with you, honey. 378 00:15:29,432 --> 00:15:33,102 This whole you hating the troops thing is not great. 379 00:15:33,186 --> 00:15:34,479 I don't hate the troops. 380 00:15:34,562 --> 00:15:37,565 I just hate one specific troop. I don't even hate him, really. 381 00:15:37,649 --> 00:15:40,026 I just think that he's wrong about the muffins. 382 00:15:40,109 --> 00:15:41,944 I know, BoJack... just like always, 383 00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:43,488 You're right, and everyone else is wrong. 384 00:15:43,571 --> 00:15:44,572 But if you don't swallow your pride, 385 00:15:44,656 --> 00:15:46,282 this is never gonna let up. 386 00:15:46,366 --> 00:15:48,034 - I know you're stubborn... - I'm not stubborn. 387 00:15:48,117 --> 00:15:49,703 - I'm proud. - That's kind of the same thing. 388 00:15:49,786 --> 00:15:51,329 No, it's an important distinction. 389 00:15:51,412 --> 00:15:53,080 Okay, fine. You're not stubborn. 390 00:15:53,164 --> 00:15:55,375 But I'm about to tell you something very important, 391 00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:57,794 so I want you to listen carefully. 392 00:15:57,878 --> 00:16:00,004 I'm getting another call. 393 00:16:00,087 --> 00:16:01,506 I'm gonna have to put you on hold. 394 00:16:08,095 --> 00:16:11,098 It is now day three of the great BoJack jerk-off... 395 00:16:11,182 --> 00:16:12,726 Really? 396 00:16:12,809 --> 00:16:14,853 That's the name we came up with for this? 397 00:16:14,936 --> 00:16:17,647 Who came up with that? Was it Randy? 398 00:16:17,731 --> 00:16:19,941 Did Randy come up with that? 399 00:16:20,024 --> 00:16:21,651 Anyway, the former television actor 400 00:16:21,735 --> 00:16:23,695 who hates our troops has not left his home 401 00:16:23,778 --> 00:16:25,655 since his controversial remarks on Monday 402 00:16:25,739 --> 00:16:27,281 about how he hates the troops. 403 00:16:27,365 --> 00:16:29,158 BoJack Horseman makes me sick. 404 00:16:29,242 --> 00:16:31,703 He voiced his opinion, even though it was unpopular, 405 00:16:31,786 --> 00:16:34,330 and that's the most cowardly thing a person can do. 406 00:16:34,414 --> 00:16:38,626 After we made love, he covered himself in sheets like an Arab. 407 00:16:38,710 --> 00:16:40,127 At this very moment, 408 00:16:40,211 --> 00:16:42,463 Congress is voting on a major education bill 409 00:16:42,547 --> 00:16:44,090 that could completely restructure the... 410 00:16:44,173 --> 00:16:46,050 Joan, I'm sorry to interrupt you, 411 00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:48,845 but we've got some big news on the BoJack Horseman front. 412 00:16:48,929 --> 00:16:52,306 It appears that BoJack's Lexus is coming out of the garage. 413 00:16:52,390 --> 00:16:54,183 This is very big news, indeed. 414 00:16:54,267 --> 00:16:56,895 Any comment on BoJack's controversial remarks this week? 415 00:16:56,978 --> 00:17:00,106 Uh, nope. 416 00:17:01,566 --> 00:17:02,817 So where are we going? 417 00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:05,027 Don't worry, I've got a plan. 418 00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:06,320 Whoa! 419 00:17:06,404 --> 00:17:08,072 Jeez. 420 00:17:08,155 --> 00:17:12,493 Ayako, hey, I need you to get me three tickets to Kyoto. 421 00:17:22,336 --> 00:17:23,713 Hey, I meant I was rich 422 00:17:23,797 --> 00:17:26,507 because I have friends like George Bailey. 423 00:17:32,931 --> 00:17:33,932 Hello? 424 00:17:34,015 --> 00:17:35,934 Well, I'm out of ideas. 425 00:17:36,017 --> 00:17:39,020 We can hide out at my place while we make a plan. 426 00:17:42,398 --> 00:17:45,026 Yeah, great, just get me away from the cameras. 427 00:17:46,569 --> 00:17:48,529 Do we really need to be filming this? 428 00:17:48,613 --> 00:17:50,114 It's for my reality show. 429 00:17:50,197 --> 00:17:51,950 You never know when gold's gonna strike. 430 00:17:52,033 --> 00:17:53,868 Yeah, gold doesn't strike. 431 00:17:53,952 --> 00:17:55,578 That's why you never know. 432 00:17:55,662 --> 00:17:57,580 BoJack, be nice. 433 00:17:57,664 --> 00:17:59,248 Just pretend they're not there. 434 00:17:59,332 --> 00:18:00,750 Okay. Well, I... 435 00:18:00,834 --> 00:18:02,460 Could you speak up, please? 436 00:18:02,543 --> 00:18:04,420 - I'd like to... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 437 00:18:04,504 --> 00:18:05,505 That's too loud. 438 00:18:06,631 --> 00:18:08,382 I want to fix this as quickly as possible. 439 00:18:08,466 --> 00:18:10,176 I don't care who was right about the muffins anymore, 440 00:18:10,259 --> 00:18:11,761 even though I was definitely right. 441 00:18:11,845 --> 00:18:14,263 I just want my privacy back, so I can finish writing 442 00:18:14,347 --> 00:18:17,183 my tell-all memoir, so everyone will pay attention to me again. 443 00:18:17,266 --> 00:18:19,185 I've already reached out to the McBeal camp. 444 00:18:19,268 --> 00:18:22,480 He's willing to publicly forgive you if you publicly apologize 445 00:18:22,563 --> 00:18:25,107 and present to him a box of muffins as a symbol 446 00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:27,610 of your great admiration for the American military 447 00:18:27,694 --> 00:18:28,695 and everything they do. 448 00:18:28,778 --> 00:18:30,154 But I ate the muffins. 449 00:18:30,237 --> 00:18:31,280 I know. We got another box. 450 00:18:31,364 --> 00:18:32,740 It's in the cupboard. 451 00:18:32,824 --> 00:18:34,450 Oh, you were saving those? I ate those too. 452 00:18:34,534 --> 00:18:36,494 We've been here for ten minutes! 453 00:18:36,577 --> 00:18:38,371 It's okay, we'll get more muffins. 454 00:18:38,454 --> 00:18:40,707 I'll get the muffins, and they're on me. 455 00:18:40,790 --> 00:18:43,543 I just found out I got 80 bucks in the bank. 456 00:18:43,626 --> 00:18:46,170 I'm helping! Hooray! 457 00:18:46,253 --> 00:18:47,421 So where are we gonna do this? 458 00:18:47,505 --> 00:18:49,173 Do I have to go on MSNBSea? 459 00:18:49,256 --> 00:18:51,843 No, we should do it somewhere people will actually see it. 460 00:18:51,926 --> 00:18:54,554 Oh, why don't you do it on Peanutbutter and Jelly? 461 00:18:54,637 --> 00:18:57,181 You can't call a show Peanutbutter and Jelly 462 00:18:57,264 --> 00:18:58,558 if there's no jelly. 463 00:18:58,641 --> 00:19:00,267 It's a pun. 464 00:19:00,351 --> 00:19:02,062 It's not a pun if it only works one way. 465 00:19:02,144 --> 00:19:03,604 Is this a necessary conversation 466 00:19:03,688 --> 00:19:05,398 to be having right now? 467 00:19:05,481 --> 00:19:07,149 Look, I know tempers are high, 468 00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:09,069 but let's not take it out on the great title 469 00:19:09,151 --> 00:19:10,444 for my reality show, 470 00:19:10,528 --> 00:19:13,197 which we all agree is really clever. 471 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:16,076 We can edit this to make me look smart, right? 472 00:19:18,953 --> 00:19:20,371 How's this look? Looks good? 473 00:19:20,454 --> 00:19:23,083 - Okay. - Marker, sound, speed. 474 00:19:23,165 --> 00:19:25,085 Well, here I am, hanging out 475 00:19:25,167 --> 00:19:27,253 with my good friend BoJack Horseman, 476 00:19:27,336 --> 00:19:29,005 enjoying each other's company, 477 00:19:29,089 --> 00:19:31,382 as we often do. 478 00:19:31,465 --> 00:19:33,342 Yes, this is all very authentic and natural. 479 00:19:34,594 --> 00:19:36,554 Oh, someone's at the door! 480 00:19:36,637 --> 00:19:38,723 I will see who it is. 481 00:19:41,101 --> 00:19:43,310 Wow, this is a surprise. 482 00:19:43,394 --> 00:19:44,645 Neal McBeal. 483 00:19:44,729 --> 00:19:46,397 Hello, sir. 484 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,734 Thank you for inviting me into your home. It is lovely. 485 00:19:49,817 --> 00:19:54,488 BoJack, is there anything you'd like to give Neal McBeal? 486 00:19:54,572 --> 00:19:55,698 Ahem. 487 00:19:55,782 --> 00:19:57,909 Oh, yeah, Todd? 488 00:19:57,992 --> 00:19:59,160 What the hell is this? 489 00:19:59,243 --> 00:20:00,620 I tried to buy the muffins, 490 00:20:00,703 --> 00:20:03,039 but my bank card got declined for some reason. 491 00:20:03,123 --> 00:20:05,041 But don't worry, I still saved the day 492 00:20:05,125 --> 00:20:08,294 because I found this bag of stale hamburger buns. 493 00:20:08,377 --> 00:20:10,421 I'm sorry? 494 00:20:10,504 --> 00:20:12,757 Yeah, they're just giving them away behind In-N-Out. 495 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,051 Why does anybody pay for anything? 496 00:20:15,135 --> 00:20:16,552 Ow. 497 00:20:16,636 --> 00:20:19,013 Uh, Neal, as a token of my admiration, 498 00:20:19,097 --> 00:20:24,018 please accept this bag of stale hamburger buns. 499 00:20:24,102 --> 00:20:26,479 - What? - Yes, hamburger buns. 500 00:20:26,562 --> 00:20:30,108 It's a symbol for how we throw our veterans 501 00:20:30,191 --> 00:20:32,777 in the trash, sadly, far too often. 502 00:20:32,860 --> 00:20:34,737 I'm listening. 503 00:20:34,821 --> 00:20:36,572 We send our muffins overseas, 504 00:20:36,656 --> 00:20:39,033 and they come back as stale hamburger buns, 505 00:20:39,117 --> 00:20:41,995 but that doesn't mean we should love them any less, 506 00:20:42,078 --> 00:20:43,579 because in their own way, 507 00:20:43,663 --> 00:20:47,583 aren't stale hamburger buns just as good? 508 00:20:47,667 --> 00:20:49,877 Mmm. 509 00:20:49,961 --> 00:20:51,253 American made. 510 00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:55,257 So what you're saying is, 511 00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:57,677 you think I'm a hero. 512 00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:58,970 Well, I don't know if I... 513 00:20:59,053 --> 00:21:03,933 Say it, BoJack. Say I'm a hero. 514 00:21:04,017 --> 00:21:05,434 You're a hero. 515 00:21:05,518 --> 00:21:09,022 The troops are all heroes, every single one. 516 00:21:09,105 --> 00:21:10,857 Great. 517 00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:13,526 And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word 518 00:21:13,609 --> 00:21:15,903 and actually disrespects those we mean to honor 519 00:21:15,987 --> 00:21:19,115 by turning real people into political pawns. 520 00:21:19,199 --> 00:21:21,993 Okay, you can let go of the bag now. 521 00:21:22,076 --> 00:21:24,537 Also, I am not deeply ambivalent 522 00:21:24,620 --> 00:21:26,956 about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military 523 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,000 by a nation that claims to value peace 524 00:21:29,083 --> 00:21:31,878 telling our children that violence is never the answer 525 00:21:31,961 --> 00:21:35,048 while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard. 526 00:21:35,131 --> 00:21:37,758 Yeah, me neither. I think we're in agreement here. 527 00:21:37,842 --> 00:21:40,887 Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate 528 00:21:40,970 --> 00:21:43,931 that this conversation is taking place on reality television, 529 00:21:44,015 --> 00:21:45,516 a genre which thrives on 530 00:21:45,599 --> 00:21:47,518 chopping the complexities of our era 531 00:21:47,601 --> 00:21:51,105 into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases. 532 00:21:51,189 --> 00:21:53,149 Okay. 533 00:21:53,233 --> 00:21:54,984 And finally, I don't... 534 00:21:55,068 --> 00:21:58,821 Hey, look, Mr. Peanutbutter got a bucket stuck on his head. 535 00:21:58,905 --> 00:22:01,949 Guys, guys, where am I? Can someone tell me where I am? 536 00:22:02,033 --> 00:22:04,202 Hey, where'd he get that bucket from? 537 00:22:04,285 --> 00:22:05,995 Who gave him a bucket? 538 00:22:08,455 --> 00:22:11,167 Uh, actually, I had another point I wanted to make. 539 00:22:11,251 --> 00:22:14,336 Yeah, but who doesn't love a dog with a bucket on his head? 540 00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:15,546 Come on. 541 00:22:15,629 --> 00:22:17,339 Bucket! Bucket! 542 00:22:17,423 --> 00:22:18,674 Bucket! 543 00:22:18,758 --> 00:22:22,762 Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! 544 00:22:22,845 --> 00:22:25,139 Hey, can anyone find a handle? 545 00:22:27,183 --> 00:22:29,769 Oh, thank you, my friend. 546 00:22:29,852 --> 00:22:31,604 You're a real hero. 547 00:22:31,687 --> 00:22:32,980 Unbelievable. 548 00:22:33,064 --> 00:22:34,356 What's your name, young lady? 549 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,234 Well, my real name's Angela, 550 00:22:36,317 --> 00:22:37,818 but my friends call me Jelly. 551 00:22:37,902 --> 00:22:40,780 What? Oh, my God, did we get that? 552 00:22:40,863 --> 00:22:43,365 Please tell me we got that. 553 00:22:50,873 --> 00:22:52,292 You want a day-old hamburger bun? 554 00:22:52,374 --> 00:22:54,501 I'm all right. How'd it go down there? 555 00:22:54,585 --> 00:22:56,921 You know what the problem is with everybody? 556 00:22:57,004 --> 00:22:59,590 They all just want to hear what they already believe. 557 00:22:59,673 --> 00:23:01,550 No one ever wants to hear the truth. 558 00:23:01,634 --> 00:23:03,052 I want to hear the truth. 559 00:23:03,136 --> 00:23:04,637 I don't know if you want to tell it, though. 560 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,180 What do you mean? 561 00:23:06,264 --> 00:23:10,017 Mr. Normal Childhood, Mr. Uneventful Father? 562 00:23:10,101 --> 00:23:11,602 Look, I can write you the standard 563 00:23:11,685 --> 00:23:13,687 empty-calorie celebrity tell-some, 564 00:23:13,771 --> 00:23:15,189 if that's what you're looking for, 565 00:23:15,273 --> 00:23:16,316 but I thought you might want more than that. 566 00:23:16,398 --> 00:23:17,942 I do. 567 00:23:18,025 --> 00:23:19,568 Well, then you're going to have to open up 568 00:23:19,652 --> 00:23:21,154 and give me something real. 569 00:23:21,237 --> 00:23:22,696 What, you think I can't open up? 570 00:23:22,780 --> 00:23:23,864 Well, I don't know if you can or not. 571 00:23:23,948 --> 00:23:25,491 You certainly haven't. 572 00:23:27,243 --> 00:23:31,664 Okay, from now on, full truth, warts and all. 573 00:23:31,747 --> 00:23:34,334 You're not gonna make me look like an asshole, are you? 574 00:23:34,416 --> 00:23:36,502 I don't know, are you an asshole? 575 00:23:38,045 --> 00:23:41,257 Okay, full truth, here we go. 576 00:23:41,341 --> 00:23:42,925 You want to know about my parents? 577 00:23:43,009 --> 00:23:45,011 They drank a lot. 578 00:23:45,094 --> 00:23:46,846 My father was a failed novelist. 579 00:23:46,929 --> 00:23:49,890 My mother was the heiress to the Sugarman sugar cubes fortune, 580 00:23:49,974 --> 00:23:51,351 and my dad resented her for it. 581 00:23:51,433 --> 00:23:53,019 He used to make me cry with him 582 00:23:53,102 --> 00:23:54,812 while listening to Cole Porter records. 583 00:23:54,895 --> 00:23:56,772 He made me build my own tree house, 584 00:23:56,856 --> 00:23:58,607 and then he tore it down while I was at summer camp 585 00:23:58,691 --> 00:24:00,526 because instead of hearty, Christian nails, 586 00:24:00,609 --> 00:24:04,822 I used screws, which he called fancy Jew nails. 587 00:24:04,905 --> 00:24:07,908 Like I said, totally normal.