1x05 - "Live Fast, Diane Nguyen"
Come on!
Oh, is it this guy? Never travel without it.
Stop holding up the line, idiot!
It's not his fault. He's just doing his job.
It's your fault, dummy.
I'm sorry, sir, no liquid over three ounces.
This is Pappy Van Winkle, friend.
Do you know how old this bourbon is? If this was a person,
I would've stopped having sex with it a year ago.
- I'm sorry, sir. - Do you know who I am?
Come on.
I'm actually a huge celebrity on my way to New York
for an important meeting with a book publisher,
who wants to publish a book about me because I am famous.
- That's not... - Fine, you want me to dance?
I'll dance.
Give me ten seconds, Diane.
This guy's being a total fascist. Diane?
- Diane? - Over here, BoJack.
How'd you get through so fast?
I followed the basic requirements for air travel
that have been in place for over a decade.
- Ugh, weird. - Sir, whoever you are, please...
Really? You've never heard of my TV show?
You know very well who I am.
And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to New York.
Ah, no.
- More? - Come on!
Oh, you know what? Could be this.
Oh, my God, he's got a gun.
Relax, it's a lighter.
How much lighter fluid can I take on the plane?
And before you answer, remember, I'm a celebrity.
We're gonna need a full body cavity search.
Thanks for coming to New York for this.
Let's just say, it's better for everyone's kneecaps
if I stay out of California for a little bit.
Always nice to get a change of scenery, am I right?
I think the New York air's been good for my health.
I mean, I did find a lump, but hey, who needs health insurance
when you've got BoJack Horseman writing a book, huh?
How's it coming along?
It's great. I'm pumping out heartfelt anecdotes and witty
observations left and right, and this one is spinning it all into gold.
Your telephone is ringing. I'm Ira Glass.
Thank you for being a sustaining member of public radio.
Everyone has a story,
and your phone's story is that it's ringing.
- Excuse me. Hello? - Hurry back, superstar.
I don't think Diane's working out.
- What? Why? Is Diane no good? - She's too good.
I don't know if Diane is damaged enough to tell my story.
She's so... functional.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Horseman, she's too functional.
Why don't I just get on the phone and call a less functional...
What are you talking about?
- This is a very bad time, BoJack! - All right.
You need to promise me that your book
will be on the shelves and making money by October!
All right. Jesus.
Uh-huh? Uh-huh.
Got it. Sorry I took so long.
Who was that? The library?
Thanking you for never returning a book late?
That was my brother Tommy. My dad just died.
Oh, my God.
Did we talk about firming up the release date?
- I was thinking late September. - I am so sorry.
It's fine, he was old and also the worst.
Such a terrible tragedy really puts everything in perspective.
Where does that leave us as far as the book of it all?
Not a problem. I just got to swing by Boston
and give my condolences real quick. BoJack can come with me.
We'll get some work done while we're there, and then
that way the whole trip won't be a total waste of time.
Great. Call me if you need anything,
but hang up after one ring, and I'll call you back
from the phone booth where my wife and I are living.
Todd, stop singing your dumb scrambled eggs song.
Who said that?
If you're wondering who said that, it's this note that you're reading.
You're hearing my voice in your head, because that's how reading works.
Oh, yeah.
As you might've noticed, Todd, I've left you home alone
for the day, and frankly, I already regret that decision.
Here's what you need to do. Nothing.
Don't touch my stuff, and don't make a mess.
Pick me up at the airport tomorrow,
and until then, don't do anything.
Well, seal's broken. Might as well enjoy myself.
Whee!
Cheers to bath time.
Great story, Todd. I love our friendship.
Here we go! The great Toddini!
And here we have the home
of a truly dynamic and unique talent, TV's own David Boreanaz.
Ohh!
Sounds like we have some fans of Person of Interest on board,
or Castle, or whatever his show is.
Sorry, dudes, you got the wrong house.
Aww.
Crikey, I would've paid $50 U.S. to see where David Boreanaz lives.
He's the American Hugh Jackman.
- Oh, yeah, 50 bucks? - He's so good in Burn Notice.
What? 50 bucks?
In that case, come on in, friends.
Some guy named David Boreanaz lives here.
Hooray!
Hey, so listen,
I really want to be here for you in your time of need,
but I'm not really good with funerals or death
or families or feelings or people.
Don't worry. You can wait in the car.
It's probably better you don't meet my brothers.
They're narrow-minded, mean-spirited dirtbags.
I wish I had brothers growing up.
Touch football on the weekends, noogie parades on the reg.
Life as an only child can get pretty lonely.
Daddy, do you want to meet my imaginary friend?
Imaginary friends are freeloaders invented by communists to rip-off welfare.
Why don't you do something productive, like bang your
head against the wall until your brain isn't so stupid?
Okay, Daddy.
Yeah, well, I was pretty lonely, too. My family made my
life miserable, and then they never forgave me for leaving.
So, what, you're like the black sheep?
No, Gary's the black sheep. He's adopted.
I'm just the member of the family nobody likes.
And my dad was the worst of them all.
You told me that you and your father used to
sit on the roof and look at the stars together.
Oh, yeah, I was just trying to get you to open up,
so I used an old writer's trick called "me lying to you."
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm using an old me trick
called "that hurts my feelings."
And the truth is, I used to sit alone on the hill out by the
dump and dream of waking up as Chelsea Clinton, but with my hair.
- You do have great hair. - I know.
That's us. I'll just pop in for a quick hi and bye.
Then we'll be on our way. Ten minutes, swear to God.
You can play with this kaleidoscope I got you at the airport.
What? A kaleidoscope? I'm not five...
Shapes and colors the likes of which I've never seen.
Hello.
Hey, yeah, Deedee came home!
Gary, Marty, Artie, Deedee's back! Come here!
Game. Watching the game.
Can't look up from the game. How you doing?
Marty, it's a game from '86. You've seen it a hundred times.
And how many times does Buckner break your heart?
100 times.
Aw, thank God you're here, Deedee.
Pops is wicked departed.
Oh, yeah, man. He departed so hard.
And I do not like them apples, Deedee.
Yo, Deedee, get me a beer.
Yeah, make that two, Deedee.
Gary, Marty, I just got home.
Ooh, Princess Diane doesn't want to get her brother a beer.
Hey, Ma, come look what the Pats dragged in.
Oh, hello! Look who decided to come home.
Queen Deedee blesses us with her presence. To what do I owe the honor?
Look, I'm just here to offer my condolences.
Oh, sure, in and out, like a Protestant on Christmas.
Why would you want to stick around,
be with your family in their time of need?
- Come on, Ma. - Don't fight while the game's on.
- It's bad Juju. - It's the '86 World Series.
- They lose. - Ah, why'd you have to...
Oh, we're just a bunch of savages, right?
We're not like your fancy California friends.
Your George Clooney and your California Raisins.
Oh, come off it, Ma. She don't mean no harm.
For five years she didn't come home.
Why don't you make like A-Rod and blow.
Well, this was clearly a huge mistake.
Ah, don't go. Deedee, please.
Why not? Ma doesn't want me here.
Ma don't know what she wants.
She wants you here. We all do. Ain't that right, Marty?
Can't look up from the game.
Besides, we need your help organizing all the funeral stuff.
We didn't go to college. We're not smart like you.
Fine, I'll help. Is there a number for me to call?
Yeah, try 1-800-The-Internet, dummy.
Jeez, do some legwork, Dee.
And do it quick. The ice is melting.
Oh, my God. Is that dad?
Did someone draw balls on his forehead?
That was before we knew he was dead.
We just thought he was wicked hung over.
In your face, Dad! In your face forever.
Welcome to the home of David Boreanaz,
famous from television shows
such as dramas on networks.
That will be $50 please.
Oy, mate, this picture of David Boreanaz fell apart.
Oh, no, no, no, I'll handle that. Why don't you just
go look through David Boreanaz's underwear drawer, okay?
- It's in his bedroom. - Oh, knickers.
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Uh-oh, am I reading something again?
No, this is your conscience.
BoJack trusted you to take care of his house.
Is this really... What are you doing?
It's a great day on Todd's phone. How can I help you?
Are you trying to cut me out of this David Boreanaz deal?
I'm your agent, damn it.
How'd you find out about Boreanaz House?
Don't worry, I'm not just gonna sit here
batting a ball of yarn around while you do the real work.
I want to take your project to the next level.
We need to go bigger.
Have you thought about attaching Mila Kunis to this thing?
- Attach her? How? - You do your job. I'll do mine.
Who is this?
Ah, out of combinations. Now I'm bored.
Diaaaaane!
- You show me nothing... - What do you want from me?
You have no right to barge in here after five years
- and judge us, Diane. - I'm just saying Marty could lend a hand
instead of sitting on the couch watching the game all day.
- Ah, Deedee. - You know very well his leg's still sore
from the accident at the quarry.
Yeah, he's got to rest up if he's gonna be a wide receiver for B.C.
He didn't get into B.C.
Ah, what's the point of getting off the couch anyway?
All the jobs are going to immigrants these days.
What do you... We're immigrants.
- How do you figure? - We're Vietnamese?
Step off! We're American as fuck.
And that's the same crap you always pull...
What do you want from me? Come on!
Excuse me. Yes, hello, I'm looking for Diane.
Does anyone here speak English?
Pull over and park the car.
Is that the frickin' horse from Horsin' Around?
Again, does anyone here speak English?
- Oh, no way... - What? A TV star!
Boreanaz house.
Seventy-five each. Children and seniors free.
Please stay behind the ropes and keep your
hands and belongings on your person at all times.
Next we'll head to the kitchen where... Is that Mila Kunis?
Ooh!
Note the letters B.H. on all hand towels and linens.
That stands for "Boreanaz House."
Yeah, do you pick up bodies?
Is that a service you provide? Corpse removal?
Hey, BoJack, you ever meet any Boston celebrities?
Well, one time at Bristol Farms,
Ben Affleck and I did reach for the same bunch of grapes.
Oh, he eats grapes just like us? Hey, Ma, Ben Affleck eats grapes!
He don't eat grapes!
BoJack said he fed Affleck grapes.
He was graping it up with the Daredevil himself.
- This is the greatest day of my life. - Oh!
Hey, I don't suppose you boys would have any
interest in maybe playing some touch football later?
Are you kidding? Touch football with a star like you?
That would be mad wicked pisser.
Ooh, you know what else we got to do?
We got to watch the Cryane video.
Ooh, that sounds good. What's that?
- No, we don't need to revisit that. - When Deedee was 16,
we made up a secret pen pal for her named Leo.
Guys, I really would rather not discuss it.
We all took turns writing her letters,
pretending to be this sensitive boy from Cambridge.
It was wicked messed up.
"Oh, Diane, we're two misunderstood souls.
Everyone else is a phony. Yours forever, Leo."
- What? That is amazing. - After six months of letters,
we hired a homeless guy to pretend to be Leo
and take her to the homecoming dance.
- Look at her. - Watch, watch this part.
I like your boutonnière.
Why don't we watch this every day?
- Look at her face. - Now that's a good prank.
- I was humiliated. - Yeah, you wouldn't get it.
It's a brothers thing, right, brothers?
Whoo! That's Cryane for you. What a pussy.
You know, it's nice that years later we can all laugh about this.
Yep, my therapist thinks the same thing.
I'm gonna go meet with the funeral director.
Any of you boys want to come?
Nah, I ain't so big on funeral homes, Deedee.
All them dead bodies, they give me the jeebies.
Yeah, Deedee, why do we got to go?
Fine, none of you have to go. I'll take care of everything.
Thank you, Diane. We all really appreciate it.
- Come on, BoJack. - Why you got to take BoJack with you?
Boo!
- Boo! - Boys, you have stolen my heart
like Dave Roberts stole second base.
Hey! He knows our things!
I must go now, but I'll see you all at the funeral, okay?
And when I do, you're all getting noogies.
- Funeral! - Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
Funeral!
Funeral! Funeral!
And now, a very special treat just for our platinum members.
Let's take a peek at the slumbering Mr. Boreanaz himself.
Get out of my room, Todd! I'm David Boreanaz.
Ohh!
And thus concludes our tour.
Have a Boreanderful day.
Tell me about your father.
Well, he was a mean, sadistic alcoholic, who never supported
anything I did and actively delighted in seeing me fail.
Hmm, I see. Sounds like you're looking for
our Piece of Shit Dad Package.
That would be too good for my father.
Hmm, I see. Might I then suggest our
Piece of Shit Dad Package Would Be Too Good For Him Package.
- Yeah, that's the one. - Excellent choice.
Hey, can I suggest something?
You might want to loosen up a little.
I think you could actually learn a thing or two
- from your brothers. - Are you kidding?
If I was like my brothers, nothing would ever get done.
I'm just saying, if you can't find a way to let off
some steam you're going to explode.
God damn it! Are you god damn kidding me?
I keep getting calls from this unlisted number.
Ignore. Who are these assholes?
Why don't you just answer, and then you'll know?
Oh, they'd just love that, wouldn't they?
Ugh, how are we supposed to blackmail him if we can't reach him?
Maybe we got to get him where he lives?
- You mean... ? - That's right, his house.
What the... Whose house is this?
Is that David Boreanaz?
I could've sworn BoJack Horseman lived here.
Hey, let's keep these lines moving, huh?
You want to stop and chat, you gotta pay for the extended stay ticket.
Ah, so much, so much, so much.
Another five Gs, T-Bag, and we are in the pink.
I don't know, Princess Carolyn.
I ran out of shoeboxes for the money, and the books aren't adding up.
Plus the men's lav needs to be serviced, and I had to
fire Janine in the gift shop for stealing Boreabble heads.
I mean, how did I end up with all this responsibility?
Hey, I'm not screwing around here, small fry.
- You better make those numbers sing. - I don't think these offshore
banks we've been using are 100% legal.
Yeah, well, my mother told me never to slap an idiot.
What? Ow!
Now we're both breaking the rules.
You listen, and you listen good. I've gotten used to
a certain lifestyle since Boreanaz House went public,
and I'm not going back to the old way.
Mommy likes her shoes, see? And her pearls.
Oh, I'm in too deep. I don't know what to do.
I'll tell you what you should do.
Who said that?
It's me, David Boreanaz.
Is that what David Boreanaz sounds like?
Uh, sure. Let me give you some advice.
As we say on my show... I want to say, New Girl?
just keep doing what you're doing, and you'll be fine.
Wow, thanks, Davie B.
Never call me that!
- Unbelievable. - It's 4:00. I don't think anyone's coming.
Unbe-goddamn-lievable!
All those jerk wads had to do was show up, and they couldn't even do that!
Where's the body even?
Beg your pardon, minor hiccup.
My goons went to pick your father up, but nobody was home.
For a nominal fee, we can scrounge up another body for you.
Would you care to peruse our loaner closet?
Hey, assholes! Where were you?
I planned the whole funeral, like you asked me to,
- and nobody showed. - Yeah, we realized dad wouldn't
have wanted some stuffy funeral.
He would've wanted his body to be chopped up into chum
- and thrown in Derek Jeter's fat face. - Yeah, suck it, Jeter!
Wait, what? Where is Dad?
We got him chummed. He's in the truck.
- You chummed Dad? - It's what your father wanted, honey,
but then you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
Let me get this straight. So instead of coming to the funeral
that I paid for and spent all day organizing,
you had Dad's body ground into chum,
so you could throw his mushy remains on Derek Jeter?
No, not just on Derek Jeter. We're gonna throw it into his fat face.
- Yeah, his fat face. - In his fat face.
The Yankees are in town this week.
The planets are aligning, Deedee.
Tommy, you begged me to stay and help.
Why does everything always got to be about big-shot Diane?
- Too good for her home. - I don't think I'm too good for my home.
Yeah, guys, you got it all wrong.
Diane isn't a big-shot. She's my ghostwriter.
She's writing a book that's not even gonna have her name on it.
You think this is how she expected her life would be going at 34?
She lives with her rich boyfriend and doesn't pay rent.
She's not too good for anything.
- What? - Diane's a freeloader?
- Even I pay rent. - BoJack helping?
Whoa.
This is why I told you to wait in the car!
Oh, she snapped. Here comes Cryane.
Hey, hey, Deedee, come on.
Diane, you are making a public spectacle of yourself.
Deedee, what are you doing with Dad's keys?
Put those back.
Oh, come on, that's Dad's truck.
Dad's chum is in the back.
No! No, no, no!
Suck a dick, dumb shits!
Well, that crazy clam did it. She took Pops.
Oh, no, what are we gonna do?
And it's a one-hopper back to the pitcher.
Easy out at first. So what we're gonna do is nothing?
Sox are on, and I haven't seen this one.
Does anyone know where she might have gone?
Ah, she used to run off like this all the time
in high school, too. Who knows where crazy goes?
I think I know where she went.
Wait, you can't leave. The party's just getting started.
I don't know, Diane was pretty upset,
- and she's got your dad. - Oh, don't go, BoJack.
You're like the fifth brother I never had.
- I... Really? - Yeah, don't leave, bro.
After this, we'll go play touch football and do a noogie parade.
Ah, um...
Everyone please disperse.
This is an unlawful gathering. Disperse immediately.
Oh, this isn't looking good, Princess Carolyn.
- What are we gonna do? - What do you mean, we?
Princess Carolyn always lands on her feet.
Ha!
Mr. Boreanaz, I presume.
Um, would you like a Boreabble head?
The amazing thing is, the house looks just like BoJack's house.
They must have the same architect.
Anyway, how are things with you?
Not good.
I should've known it was a waste of time to come back here.
Oh, that's awful. Well, when you get back,
I'll give you one of my patented Peanutbutter hugs.
Crunchy and creamy.
You know that patent wasn't approved, but I'll take it.
- I have to go. BoJack's here. - BoJack, well, what's he doing... ?
Hey. Sorry I said all that stuff about you.
It's all true, isn't it?
I found this letter back at the bar. I think it's for you.
Look, just read it. I think you'll like it.
"Dear Diane, it's me, your old pen pal Leo.
This definitely isn't BoJack Horseman writing this."
Keep reading.
"You're a good person, Diane,
and that's the most important thing.
Even if no one appreciates you,
it's important that you don't stop being good.
I like how you always bring your own bags to the grocery store,
and how you're always organized to go places.
I like how you chew gum on the airplane so your ears will pop.
A lot of people might not appreciate that about you,
but I do. Yours forever, Leo."
That's the best letter he ever wrote me.
Look, take it from someone with his own shitty parents,
family is a sinkhole,
and you were right to get out when you had the chance.
The stupid thing is, even now I still just want
them to be proud of me and think I did good.
Is that really stupid?
- Yep. - No, it isn't.
Yeah, it is. You want those guys to be proud of you?
I guess I was just hoping to get some modicum of closure.
Closure is a made up thing by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets.
It, like true love and the Munich Olympics, doesn't exist in the real world.
The only thing to do now is just to keep living forward.
Yeah, but every time I come back here they...
So don't come back here. What's great about Los Angeles
is nobody cares about where you're from or who you are.
It's a superficial town where you can worry about stupid shit
like keeping your pool clean,
and what artisanal nuts to put on your salad.
- I do like salad. - Oh, it's the best.
- Why do you think people keep moving there? - Thanks, BoJack.
The good news is, your dad can't hurt anyone ever again.
Uh-oh.
Thank you so much, Derek Jeter.
I thought a big baseball hotshot like you
would be too busy to help us old ladies across the street.
I always have time to look out for my elders,
Yankee fan or no.
Is that a barrel of chum?
Um, I'll meet you inside. I have to make a call.
Okay.
It's Herb. You know what to do.
Hey, Herb, look, I think we have some unfinished business.
It seems like life's too short to hold grudges
and stuff like that, you know what I'm saying?
About life being too short? Well, of course you know what I'm saying.
You're the one with terminal... I feel like I'm doing all the talking here.
So anyway, I thought maybe we could chat.
Why don't you give me a call, okay?
Um... so smell you later?
This is BoJack. Horseman. Obviously.
Ugh, who keeps calling me?
Come on, BoJack. Pick up, pick up.
I'm sure he'll pick up.
It's BoJack. You know what to do.
Boxer versus raptor.