1 00:00:05,050 --> 00:00:07,926 1x05 - "Live Fast, Diane Nguyen" 2 00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:14,724 Come on! 3 00:00:14,807 --> 00:00:17,476 Oh, is it this guy? Never travel without it. 4 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:19,478 Stop holding up the line, idiot! 5 00:00:19,562 --> 00:00:21,397 It's not his fault. He's just doing his job. 6 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,065 It's your fault, dummy. 7 00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:25,109 I'm sorry, sir, no liquid over three ounces. 8 00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:27,236 This is Pappy Van Winkle, friend. 9 00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:30,406 Do you know how old this bourbon is? If this was a person, 10 00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:32,533 I would've stopped having sex with it a year ago. 11 00:00:32,617 --> 00:00:34,994 - I'm sorry, sir. - Do you know who I am? 12 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:36,704 Come on. 13 00:00:36,788 --> 00:00:38,330 I'm actually a huge celebrity on my way to New York 14 00:00:38,414 --> 00:00:40,666 for an important meeting with a book publisher, 15 00:00:40,750 --> 00:00:45,463 who wants to publish a book about me because I am famous. 16 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:46,923 - That's not... - Fine, you want me to dance? 17 00:00:47,006 --> 00:00:48,007 I'll dance. 18 00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:52,011 Give me ten seconds, Diane. 19 00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,639 This guy's being a total fascist. Diane? 20 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:57,016 - Diane? - Over here, BoJack. 21 00:00:57,099 --> 00:00:58,643 How'd you get through so fast? 22 00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,269 I followed the basic requirements for air travel 23 00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:01,687 that have been in place for over a decade. 24 00:01:01,771 --> 00:01:04,398 - Ugh, weird. - Sir, whoever you are, please... 25 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,818 Really? You've never heard of my TV show? 26 00:01:06,901 --> 00:01:08,694 You know very well who I am. 27 00:01:08,778 --> 00:01:10,822 And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to New York. 28 00:01:10,905 --> 00:01:12,448 Ah, no. 29 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:13,866 - More? - Come on! 30 00:01:13,950 --> 00:01:15,576 Oh, you know what? Could be this. 31 00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:17,244 Oh, my God, he's got a gun. 32 00:01:17,328 --> 00:01:19,497 Relax, it's a lighter. 33 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,499 How much lighter fluid can I take on the plane? 34 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:24,251 And before you answer, remember, I'm a celebrity. 35 00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:26,545 We're gonna need a full body cavity search. 36 00:02:27,023 --> 00:02:28,900 Thanks for coming to New York for this. 37 00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:31,027 Let's just say, it's better for everyone's kneecaps 38 00:02:31,110 --> 00:02:33,362 if I stay out of California for a little bit. 39 00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:35,781 Always nice to get a change of scenery, am I right? 40 00:02:35,865 --> 00:02:37,825 I think the New York air's been good for my health. 41 00:02:37,909 --> 00:02:41,787 I mean, I did find a lump, but hey, who needs health insurance 42 00:02:41,871 --> 00:02:45,541 when you've got BoJack Horseman writing a book, huh? 43 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,334 How's it coming along? 44 00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:50,517 It's great. I'm pumping out heartfelt anecdotes and witty 45 00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:54,258 observations left and right, and this one is spinning it all into gold. 46 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,385 Your telephone is ringing. I'm Ira Glass. 47 00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,930 Thank you for being a sustaining member of public radio. 48 00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:00,639 Everyone has a story, 49 00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:02,516 and your phone's story is that it's ringing. 50 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,811 - Excuse me. Hello? - Hurry back, superstar. 51 00:03:05,895 --> 00:03:07,354 I don't think Diane's working out. 52 00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:11,025 - What? Why? Is Diane no good? - She's too good. 53 00:03:11,109 --> 00:03:13,569 I don't know if Diane is damaged enough to tell my story. 54 00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:15,654 She's so... functional. 55 00:03:15,738 --> 00:03:18,908 Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Horseman, she's too functional. 56 00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:22,036 Why don't I just get on the phone and call a less functional... 57 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,955 What are you talking about? 58 00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:27,041 - This is a very bad time, BoJack! - All right. 59 00:03:27,125 --> 00:03:29,509 You need to promise me that your book 60 00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:32,004 will be on the shelves and making money by October! 61 00:03:32,088 --> 00:03:33,672 All right. Jesus. 62 00:03:33,756 --> 00:03:34,924 Uh-huh? Uh-huh. 63 00:03:35,007 --> 00:03:38,343 Uh-huh. Got it. Sorry I took so long. 64 00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:39,887 Who was that? The library? 65 00:03:39,971 --> 00:03:42,347 Thanking you for never returning a book late? 66 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,266 That was my brother Tommy. My dad just died. 67 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,851 Oh, my God. 68 00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,352 Did we talk about firming up the release date? 69 00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,229 - I was thinking late September. - I am so sorry. 70 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,065 It's fine, he was old and also the worst. 71 00:03:51,149 --> 00:03:54,610 Such a terrible tragedy really puts everything in perspective. 72 00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,779 Where does that leave us as far as the book of it all? 73 00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:59,448 Not a problem. I just got to swing by Boston 74 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:02,326 and give my condolences real quick. BoJack can come with me. 75 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,207 We'll get some work done while we're there, and then 76 00:04:04,208 --> 00:04:06,038 that way the whole trip won't be a total waste of time. 77 00:04:06,122 --> 00:04:08,415 Great. Call me if you need anything, 78 00:04:08,499 --> 00:04:11,419 but hang up after one ring, and I'll call you back 79 00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:14,338 from the phone booth where my wife and I are living. 80 00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:23,931 Todd, stop singing your dumb scrambled eggs song. 81 00:04:24,015 --> 00:04:25,349 Who said that? 82 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,978 If you're wondering who said that, it's this note that you're reading. 83 00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:33,024 You're hearing my voice in your head, because that's how reading works. 84 00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:34,441 Oh, yeah. 85 00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,673 As you might've noticed, Todd, I've left you home alone 86 00:04:36,674 --> 00:04:38,821 for the day, and frankly, I already regret that decision. 87 00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:41,448 Here's what you need to do. Nothing. 88 00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:43,450 Don't touch my stuff, and don't make a mess. 89 00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:44,869 Pick me up at the airport tomorrow, 90 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:48,330 and until then, don't do anything. 91 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,420 Well, seal's broken. Might as well enjoy myself. 92 00:04:58,549 --> 00:04:59,884 Whee! 93 00:05:01,219 --> 00:05:03,512 Cheers to bath time. 94 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:08,642 Great story, Todd. I love our friendship. 95 00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:14,481 Here we go! The great Toddini! 96 00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:16,067 And here we have the home 97 00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:21,530 of a truly dynamic and unique talent, TV's own David Boreanaz. 98 00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,241 Ohh! 99 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:27,203 Sounds like we have some fans of Person of Interest on board, 100 00:05:27,286 --> 00:05:30,330 or Castle, or whatever his show is. 101 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,791 Sorry, dudes, you got the wrong house. 102 00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:34,334 Aww. 103 00:05:34,418 --> 00:05:39,173 Crikey, I would've paid $50 U.S. to see where David Boreanaz lives. 104 00:05:39,257 --> 00:05:41,133 He's the American Hugh Jackman. 105 00:05:41,217 --> 00:05:43,761 - Oh, yeah, 50 bucks? - He's so good in Burn Notice. 106 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,596 What? 50 bucks? 107 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,389 In that case, come on in, friends. 108 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,474 Some guy named David Boreanaz lives here. 109 00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:52,436 Hooray! 110 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,063 Hey, so listen, 111 00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:55,981 I really want to be here for you in your time of need, 112 00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:57,691 but I'm not really good with funerals or death 113 00:05:57,775 --> 00:05:59,318 or families or feelings or people. 114 00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,153 Don't worry. You can wait in the car. 115 00:06:01,237 --> 00:06:02,821 It's probably better you don't meet my brothers. 116 00:06:02,905 --> 00:06:05,116 They're narrow-minded, mean-spirited dirtbags. 117 00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:07,034 I wish I had brothers growing up. 118 00:06:07,118 --> 00:06:10,621 Touch football on the weekends, noogie parades on the reg. 119 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,540 Life as an only child can get pretty lonely. 120 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:16,627 Daddy, do you want to meet my imaginary friend? 121 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:21,173 Imaginary friends are freeloaders invented by communists to rip-off welfare. 122 00:06:21,257 --> 00:06:23,384 Why don't you do something productive, like bang your 123 00:06:23,385 --> 00:06:25,510 head against the wall until your brain isn't so stupid? 124 00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,054 Okay, Daddy. 125 00:06:27,138 --> 00:06:29,699 Yeah, well, I was pretty lonely, too. My family made my 126 00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:32,351 life miserable, and then they never forgave me for leaving. 127 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,019 So, what, you're like the black sheep? 128 00:06:34,103 --> 00:06:35,854 No, Gary's the black sheep. He's adopted. 129 00:06:35,938 --> 00:06:37,648 I'm just the member of the family nobody likes. 130 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,524 And my dad was the worst of them all. 131 00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:41,423 You told me that you and your father used to 132 00:06:41,424 --> 00:06:43,279 sit on the roof and look at the stars together. 133 00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,948 Oh, yeah, I was just trying to get you to open up, 134 00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,951 so I used an old writer's trick called "me lying to you." 135 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,120 Oh, yeah? Well, I'm using an old me trick 136 00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:52,663 called "that hurts my feelings." 137 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,901 And the truth is, I used to sit alone on the hill out by the 138 00:06:55,902 --> 00:06:59,211 dump and dream of waking up as Chelsea Clinton, but with my hair. 139 00:06:59,295 --> 00:07:02,131 - You do have great hair. - I know. 140 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,427 That's us. I'll just pop in for a quick hi and bye. 141 00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:10,306 Then we'll be on our way. Ten minutes, swear to God. 142 00:07:10,389 --> 00:07:12,766 You can play with this kaleidoscope I got you at the airport. 143 00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:16,561 What? A kaleidoscope? I'm not five... 144 00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:19,023 Shapes and colors the likes of which I've never seen. 145 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,899 Hello. 146 00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:23,735 Hey, yeah, Deedee came home! 147 00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:26,738 Gary, Marty, Artie, Deedee's back! Come here! 148 00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:28,448 Game. Watching the game. 149 00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:29,825 Can't look up from the game. How you doing? 150 00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:32,911 Marty, it's a game from '86. You've seen it a hundred times. 151 00:07:32,995 --> 00:07:34,746 And how many times does Buckner break your heart? 152 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,290 100 times. 153 00:07:36,374 --> 00:07:38,209 Aw, thank God you're here, Deedee. 154 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:39,751 Pops is wicked departed. 155 00:07:39,835 --> 00:07:41,753 Oh, yeah, man. He departed so hard. 156 00:07:41,837 --> 00:07:43,964 And I do not like them apples, Deedee. 157 00:07:44,048 --> 00:07:45,299 Yo, Deedee, get me a beer. 158 00:07:45,383 --> 00:07:46,591 Yeah, make that two, Deedee. 159 00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:48,719 Gary, Marty, I just got home. 160 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:53,391 Ooh, Princess Diane doesn't want to get her brother a beer. 161 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,893 Hey, Ma, come look what the Pats dragged in. 162 00:07:55,976 --> 00:08:00,689 Oh, hello! Look who decided to come home. 163 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:05,569 Queen Deedee blesses us with her presence. To what do I owe the honor? 164 00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,446 Look, I'm just here to offer my condolences. 165 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:11,450 Oh, sure, in and out, like a Protestant on Christmas. 166 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:12,910 Why would you want to stick around, 167 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,328 be with your family in their time of need? 168 00:08:14,412 --> 00:08:17,122 - Come on, Ma. - Don't fight while the game's on. 169 00:08:17,206 --> 00:08:20,167 - It's bad Juju. - It's the '86 World Series. 170 00:08:20,251 --> 00:08:22,753 - They lose. - Ah, why'd you have to... 171 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,880 Oh, we're just a bunch of savages, right? 172 00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:27,383 We're not like your fancy California friends. 173 00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:30,969 Your George Clooney and your California Raisins. 174 00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:33,347 Oh, come off it, Ma. She don't mean no harm. 175 00:08:33,431 --> 00:08:35,640 For five years she didn't come home. 176 00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:38,394 Why don't you make like A-Rod and blow. 177 00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:41,063 Well, this was clearly a huge mistake. 178 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,982 Ah, don't go. Deedee, please. 179 00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:45,650 Why not? Ma doesn't want me here. 180 00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,611 Ma don't know what she wants. 181 00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:50,530 She wants you here. We all do. Ain't that right, Marty? 182 00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:51,782 Can't look up from the game. 183 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,576 Besides, we need your help organizing all the funeral stuff. 184 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:57,162 We didn't go to college. We're not smart like you. 185 00:08:57,246 --> 00:08:59,873 Fine, I'll help. Is there a number for me to call? 186 00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:02,542 Yeah, try 1-800-The-Internet, dummy. 187 00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,336 Jeez, do some legwork, Dee. 188 00:09:04,420 --> 00:09:06,797 And do it quick. The ice is melting. 189 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,799 Oh, my God. Is that dad? 190 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,676 Did someone draw balls on his forehead? 191 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,471 That was before we knew he was dead. 192 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,431 We just thought he was wicked hung over. 193 00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:20,519 In your face, Dad! In your face forever. 194 00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:24,982 Welcome to the home of David Boreanaz, 195 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,817 famous from television shows 196 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:31,113 such as dramas on networks. 197 00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,948 That will be $50 please. 198 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:36,410 Oy, mate, this picture of David Boreanaz fell apart. 199 00:09:36,494 --> 00:09:38,950 Oh, no, no, no, I'll handle that. Why don't you just 200 00:09:38,951 --> 00:09:41,499 go look through David Boreanaz's underwear drawer, okay? 201 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,251 - It's in his bedroom. - Oh, knickers. 202 00:09:44,335 --> 00:09:45,919 Hey, what do you think you're doing? 203 00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:47,879 Uh-oh, am I reading something again? 204 00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:50,508 No, this is your conscience. 205 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,093 BoJack trusted you to take care of his house. 206 00:09:53,177 --> 00:09:55,387 Is this really... What are you doing? 207 00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:06,231 It's a great day on Todd's phone. How can I help you? 208 00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,941 Are you trying to cut me out of this David Boreanaz deal? 209 00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:09,485 I'm your agent, damn it. 210 00:10:09,568 --> 00:10:11,362 How'd you find out about Boreanaz House? 211 00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:13,238 Don't worry, I'm not just gonna sit here 212 00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:15,324 batting a ball of yarn around while you do the real work. 213 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,369 I want to take your project to the next level. 214 00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:20,162 We need to go bigger. 215 00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,414 Have you thought about attaching Mila Kunis to this thing? 216 00:10:22,498 --> 00:10:26,585 - Attach her? How? - You do your job. I'll do mine. 217 00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,712 Who is this? 218 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,550 Ah, out of combinations. Now I'm bored. 219 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,968 Diaaaaane! 220 00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,389 - You show me nothing... - What do you want from me? 221 00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,391 You have no right to barge in here after five years 222 00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:44,144 - and judge us, Diane. - I'm just saying Marty could lend a hand 223 00:10:44,228 --> 00:10:46,146 instead of sitting on the couch watching the game all day. 224 00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:50,067 - Ah, Deedee. - You know very well his leg's still sore 225 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,818 from the accident at the quarry. 226 00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:54,988 Yeah, he's got to rest up if he's gonna be a wide receiver for B.C. 227 00:10:55,072 --> 00:10:56,823 He didn't get into B.C. 228 00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,825 Ah, what's the point of getting off the couch anyway? 229 00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:00,994 All the jobs are going to immigrants these days. 230 00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:02,996 What do you... We're immigrants. 231 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,998 - How do you figure? - We're Vietnamese? 232 00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:07,459 Step off! We're American as fuck. 233 00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:08,960 And that's the same crap you always pull... 234 00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:11,922 What do you want from me? Come on! 235 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,925 Excuse me. Yes, hello, I'm looking for Diane. 236 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,594 Does anyone here speak English? 237 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,096 Pull over and park the car. 238 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,973 Is that the frickin' horse from Horsin' Around? 239 00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:24,809 Again, does anyone here speak English? 240 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:28,522 - Oh, no way... - What? A TV star! 241 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,109 Boreanaz house. 242 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,486 Seventy-five each. Children and seniors free. 243 00:11:34,570 --> 00:11:36,935 Please stay behind the ropes and keep your 244 00:11:36,936 --> 00:11:39,575 hands and belongings on your person at all times. 245 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:42,369 Next we'll head to the kitchen where... Is that Mila Kunis? 246 00:11:42,453 --> 00:11:43,995 Ooh! 247 00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:46,831 Note the letters B.H. on all hand towels and linens. 248 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,917 That stands for "Boreanaz House." 249 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:55,340 Yeah, do you pick up bodies? 250 00:11:55,424 --> 00:11:57,426 Is that a service you provide? Corpse removal? 251 00:11:57,509 --> 00:12:00,804 Hey, BoJack, you ever meet any Boston celebrities? 252 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,681 Well, one time at Bristol Farms, 253 00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:05,767 Ben Affleck and I did reach for the same bunch of grapes. 254 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:10,439 Oh, he eats grapes just like us? Hey, Ma, Ben Affleck eats grapes! 255 00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,107 He don't eat grapes! 256 00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:14,818 BoJack said he fed Affleck grapes. 257 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:17,154 He was graping it up with the Daredevil himself. 258 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:21,366 - This is the greatest day of my life. - Oh! 259 00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:23,287 Hey, I don't suppose you boys would have any 260 00:12:23,288 --> 00:12:25,370 interest in maybe playing some touch football later? 261 00:12:25,454 --> 00:12:28,165 Are you kidding? Touch football with a star like you? 262 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,208 That would be mad wicked pisser. 263 00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:31,751 Ooh, you know what else we got to do? 264 00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:34,713 We got to watch the Cryane video. 265 00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:36,340 Ooh, that sounds good. What's that? 266 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:39,468 - No, we don't need to revisit that. - When Deedee was 16, 267 00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:42,220 we made up a secret pen pal for her named Leo. 268 00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:45,599 Guys, I really would rather not discuss it. 269 00:12:45,683 --> 00:12:47,518 We all took turns writing her letters, 270 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:50,770 pretending to be this sensitive boy from Cambridge. 271 00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,523 It was wicked messed up. 272 00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:55,900 "Oh, Diane, we're two misunderstood souls. 273 00:12:55,984 --> 00:13:00,280 Everyone else is a phony. Yours forever, Leo." 274 00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:04,368 - What? That is amazing. - After six months of letters, 275 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,870 we hired a homeless guy to pretend to be Leo 276 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:09,414 and take her to the homecoming dance. 277 00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:10,832 - Look at her. - Watch, watch this part. 278 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:14,042 I like your boutonnière. 279 00:13:14,077 --> 00:13:17,422 Why don't we watch this every day? 280 00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:18,798 - Look at her face. - Now that's a good prank. 281 00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:21,635 - I was humiliated. - Yeah, you wouldn't get it. 282 00:13:21,719 --> 00:13:23,470 It's a brothers thing, right, brothers? 283 00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:26,890 Whoo! That's Cryane for you. What a pussy. 284 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:30,143 You know, it's nice that years later we can all laugh about this. 285 00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:32,062 Yep, my therapist thinks the same thing. 286 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,022 I'm gonna go meet with the funeral director. 287 00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:35,691 Any of you boys want to come? 288 00:13:35,774 --> 00:13:37,609 Nah, I ain't so big on funeral homes, Deedee. 289 00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:39,236 All them dead bodies, they give me the jeebies. 290 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,780 Yeah, Deedee, why do we got to go? 291 00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:45,283 Fine, none of you have to go. I'll take care of everything. 292 00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:47,118 Thank you, Diane. We all really appreciate it. 293 00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:50,424 - Come on, BoJack. - Why you got to take BoJack with you? 294 00:13:50,459 --> 00:13:51,248 Boo! 295 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,751 - Boo! - Boys, you have stolen my heart 296 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,502 like Dave Roberts stole second base. 297 00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:57,713 Hey! He knows our things! 298 00:13:57,796 --> 00:14:00,257 I must go now, but I'll see you all at the funeral, okay? 299 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,801 And when I do, you're all getting noogies. 300 00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:03,885 - Funeral! - Yeah! 301 00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:04,969 Whoo-hoo! 302 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,179 Funeral! 303 00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:07,472 Funeral! Funeral! 304 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:13,270 And now, a very special treat just for our platinum members. 305 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:19,276 Let's take a peek at the slumbering Mr. Boreanaz himself. 306 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:22,946 Get out of my room, Todd! I'm David Boreanaz. 307 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,573 Ohh! 308 00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:26,116 And thus concludes our tour. 309 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:27,951 Have a Boreanderful day. 310 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:32,289 Tell me about your father. 311 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:35,991 Well, he was a mean, sadistic alcoholic, who never supported 312 00:14:35,992 --> 00:14:39,254 anything I did and actively delighted in seeing me fail. 313 00:14:39,337 --> 00:14:43,091 Hmm, I see. Sounds like you're looking for 314 00:14:43,092 --> 00:14:44,884 our Piece of Shit Dad Package. 315 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,804 That would be too good for my father. 316 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,212 Hmm, I see. Might I then suggest our 317 00:14:50,213 --> 00:14:54,185 Piece of Shit Dad Package Would Be Too Good For Him Package. 318 00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:58,022 - Yeah, that's the one. - Excellent choice. 319 00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:00,066 Hey, can I suggest something? 320 00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:02,319 You might want to loosen up a little. 321 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,154 I think you could actually learn a thing or two 322 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,948 - from your brothers. - Are you kidding? 323 00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,075 If I was like my brothers, nothing would ever get done. 324 00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:12,238 I'm just saying, if you can't find a way to let off 325 00:15:12,239 --> 00:15:15,081 some steam you're going to explode. 326 00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:16,916 God damn it! Are you god damn kidding me? 327 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,502 I keep getting calls from this unlisted number. 328 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,420 Ignore. Who are these assholes? 329 00:15:20,504 --> 00:15:22,130 Why don't you just answer, and then you'll know? 330 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:23,841 Oh, they'd just love that, wouldn't they? 331 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:27,302 Ugh, how are we supposed to blackmail him if we can't reach him? 332 00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:29,763 Maybe we got to get him where he lives? 333 00:15:29,847 --> 00:15:34,184 - You mean... ? - That's right, his house. 334 00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:37,061 What the... Whose house is this? 335 00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:39,230 Is that David Boreanaz? 336 00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:42,150 I could've sworn BoJack Horseman lived here. 337 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:43,819 Hey, let's keep these lines moving, huh? 338 00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:47,197 You want to stop and chat, you gotta pay for the extended stay ticket. 339 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,199 Ah, so much, so much, so much. 340 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,285 Another five Gs, T-Bag, and we are in the pink. 341 00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:53,787 I don't know, Princess Carolyn. 342 00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:57,457 I ran out of shoeboxes for the money, and the books aren't adding up. 343 00:15:57,541 --> 00:16:00,442 Plus the men's lav needs to be serviced, and I had to 344 00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:03,505 fire Janine in the gift shop for stealing Boreabble heads. 345 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:06,299 I mean, how did I end up with all this responsibility? 346 00:16:06,383 --> 00:16:08,510 Hey, I'm not screwing around here, small fry. 347 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:12,070 - You better make those numbers sing. - I don't think these offshore 348 00:16:12,071 --> 00:16:14,766 banks we've been using are 100% legal. 349 00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:17,227 Yeah, well, my mother told me never to slap an idiot. 350 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,603 What? Ow! 351 00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:20,605 Now we're both breaking the rules. 352 00:16:20,689 --> 00:16:23,425 You listen, and you listen good. I've gotten used to 353 00:16:23,426 --> 00:16:26,110 a certain lifestyle since Boreanaz House went public, 354 00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:27,779 and I'm not going back to the old way. 355 00:16:27,863 --> 00:16:30,657 Mommy likes her shoes, see? And her pearls. 356 00:16:30,741 --> 00:16:33,993 Oh, I'm in too deep. I don't know what to do. 357 00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:35,537 I'll tell you what you should do. 358 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:36,705 Who said that? 359 00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:38,248 It's me, David Boreanaz. 360 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,584 Is that what David Boreanaz sounds like? 361 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,712 Uh, sure. Let me give you some advice. 362 00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:46,924 As we say on my show... I want to say, New Girl? 363 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,342 just keep doing what you're doing, and you'll be fine. 364 00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,511 Wow, thanks, Davie B. 365 00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:54,431 Never call me that! 366 00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:59,937 - Unbelievable. - It's 4:00. I don't think anyone's coming. 367 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,689 Unbe-goddamn-lievable! 368 00:17:02,773 --> 00:17:07,193 All those jerk wads had to do was show up, and they couldn't even do that! 369 00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:08,653 Where's the body even? 370 00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:10,989 Beg your pardon, minor hiccup. 371 00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:15,285 My goons went to pick your father up, but nobody was home. 372 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:18,496 For a nominal fee, we can scrounge up another body for you. 373 00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:22,626 Would you care to peruse our loaner closet? 374 00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:27,505 Hey, assholes! Where were you? 375 00:17:27,589 --> 00:17:29,883 I planned the whole funeral, like you asked me to, 376 00:17:29,967 --> 00:17:33,226 - and nobody showed. - Yeah, we realized dad wouldn't 377 00:17:33,227 --> 00:17:35,013 have wanted some stuffy funeral. 378 00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:37,265 He would've wanted his body to be chopped up into chum 379 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:40,978 - and thrown in Derek Jeter's fat face. - Yeah, suck it, Jeter! 380 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,729 Wait, what? Where is Dad? 381 00:17:42,813 --> 00:17:44,481 We got him chummed. He's in the truck. 382 00:17:46,817 --> 00:17:50,821 - You chummed Dad? - It's what your father wanted, honey, 383 00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:53,782 but then you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? 384 00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:56,660 Let me get this straight. So instead of coming to the funeral 385 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,704 that I paid for and spent all day organizing, 386 00:17:59,788 --> 00:18:02,833 you had Dad's body ground into chum, 387 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:06,252 so you could throw his mushy remains on Derek Jeter? 388 00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:10,590 No, not just on Derek Jeter. We're gonna throw it into his fat face. 389 00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:12,091 - Yeah, his fat face. - In his fat face. 390 00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:13,510 The Yankees are in town this week. 391 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:14,928 The planets are aligning, Deedee. 392 00:18:15,012 --> 00:18:17,514 Tommy, you begged me to stay and help. 393 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,976 Why does everything always got to be about big-shot Diane? 394 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:25,438 - Too good for her home. - I don't think I'm too good for my home. 395 00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:27,440 Yeah, guys, you got it all wrong. 396 00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:30,861 Diane isn't a big-shot. She's my ghostwriter. 397 00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:34,489 She's writing a book that's not even gonna have her name on it. 398 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:37,868 You think this is how she expected her life would be going at 34? 399 00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:41,038 She lives with her rich boyfriend and doesn't pay rent. 400 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,624 She's not too good for anything. 401 00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:47,293 - What? - Diane's a freeloader? 402 00:18:48,503 --> 00:18:52,507 - Even I pay rent. - BoJack helping? 403 00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,014 Whoa. 404 00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:03,768 This is why I told you to wait in the car! 405 00:19:03,852 --> 00:19:06,396 Oh, she snapped. Here comes Cryane. 406 00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:09,107 Hey, hey, Deedee, come on. 407 00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:13,152 Diane, you are making a public spectacle of yourself. 408 00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:15,697 Deedee, what are you doing with Dad's keys? 409 00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,198 Put those back. 410 00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:18,700 Oh, come on, that's Dad's truck. 411 00:19:18,783 --> 00:19:20,118 Dad's chum is in the back. 412 00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:21,703 No! No, no, no! 413 00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:24,163 Suck a dick, dumb shits! 414 00:19:24,247 --> 00:19:26,833 Well, that crazy clam did it. She took Pops. 415 00:19:26,917 --> 00:19:30,145 Oh, no, what are we gonna do? 416 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,380 And it's a one-hopper back to the pitcher. 417 00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:36,134 Easy out at first. So what we're gonna do is nothing? 418 00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,261 Sox are on, and I haven't seen this one. 419 00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:40,263 Does anyone know where she might have gone? 420 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:42,140 Ah, she used to run off like this all the time 421 00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:45,518 in high school, too. Who knows where crazy goes? 422 00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:47,812 I think I know where she went. 423 00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:51,108 Wait, you can't leave. The party's just getting started. 424 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,526 I don't know, Diane was pretty upset, 425 00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:57,405 - and she's got your dad. - Oh, don't go, BoJack. 426 00:19:57,488 --> 00:19:58,990 You're like the fifth brother I never had. 427 00:19:59,074 --> 00:20:01,701 - I... Really? - Yeah, don't leave, bro. 428 00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,829 After this, we'll go play touch football and do a noogie parade. 429 00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,290 Ah, um... 430 00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:09,584 Everyone please disperse. 431 00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:13,588 This is an unlawful gathering. Disperse immediately. 432 00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,134 Oh, this isn't looking good, Princess Carolyn. 433 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,011 - What are we gonna do? - What do you mean, we? 434 00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:22,639 Princess Carolyn always lands on her feet. 435 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:23,723 Ha! 436 00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:25,516 Mr. Boreanaz, I presume. 437 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:29,062 Um, would you like a Boreabble head? 438 00:20:29,146 --> 00:20:32,816 The amazing thing is, the house looks just like BoJack's house. 439 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,692 They must have the same architect. 440 00:20:34,776 --> 00:20:36,319 Anyway, how are things with you? 441 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:37,862 Not good. 442 00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:40,448 I should've known it was a waste of time to come back here. 443 00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:43,451 Oh, that's awful. Well, when you get back, 444 00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,453 I'll give you one of my patented Peanutbutter hugs. 445 00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:47,371 Crunchy and creamy. 446 00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:51,042 You know that patent wasn't approved, but I'll take it. 447 00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:55,172 - I have to go. BoJack's here. - BoJack, well, what's he doing... ? 448 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:58,800 Hey. Sorry I said all that stuff about you. 449 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:01,011 It's all true, isn't it? 450 00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:04,806 I found this letter back at the bar. I think it's for you. 451 00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,601 Look, just read it. I think you'll like it. 452 00:21:08,685 --> 00:21:13,397 "Dear Diane, it's me, your old pen pal Leo. 453 00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:16,567 This definitely isn't BoJack Horseman writing this." 454 00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:17,861 Keep reading. 455 00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:19,863 "You're a good person, Diane, 456 00:21:19,946 --> 00:21:22,157 and that's the most important thing. 457 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,950 Even if no one appreciates you, 458 00:21:24,034 --> 00:21:26,619 it's important that you don't stop being good. 459 00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:29,998 I like how you always bring your own bags to the grocery store, 460 00:21:30,081 --> 00:21:32,709 and how you're always organized to go places. 461 00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:36,754 I like how you chew gum on the airplane so your ears will pop. 462 00:21:36,838 --> 00:21:39,757 A lot of people might not appreciate that about you, 463 00:21:39,841 --> 00:21:43,427 but I do. Yours forever, Leo." 464 00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:46,014 That's the best letter he ever wrote me. 465 00:21:46,097 --> 00:21:49,100 Look, take it from someone with his own shitty parents, 466 00:21:49,184 --> 00:21:50,977 family is a sinkhole, 467 00:21:51,061 --> 00:21:53,146 and you were right to get out when you had the chance. 468 00:21:53,230 --> 00:21:55,782 The stupid thing is, even now I still just want 469 00:21:55,783 --> 00:21:58,068 them to be proud of me and think I did good. 470 00:21:58,151 --> 00:21:59,944 Is that really stupid? 471 00:22:00,028 --> 00:22:01,238 - Yep. - No, it isn't. 472 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,532 Yeah, it is. You want those guys to be proud of you? 473 00:22:04,615 --> 00:22:06,826 I guess I was just hoping to get some modicum of closure. 474 00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:10,621 Closure is a made up thing by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets. 475 00:22:10,705 --> 00:22:14,792 It, like true love and the Munich Olympics, doesn't exist in the real world. 476 00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:18,421 The only thing to do now is just to keep living forward. 477 00:22:18,504 --> 00:22:20,965 Yeah, but every time I come back here they... 478 00:22:21,049 --> 00:22:24,302 So don't come back here. What's great about Los Angeles 479 00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:26,930 is nobody cares about where you're from or who you are. 480 00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:29,933 It's a superficial town where you can worry about stupid shit 481 00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:31,475 like keeping your pool clean, 482 00:22:31,559 --> 00:22:33,270 and what artisanal nuts to put on your salad. 483 00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:36,189 - I do like salad. - Oh, it's the best. 484 00:22:36,273 --> 00:22:39,650 - Why do you think people keep moving there? - Thanks, BoJack. 485 00:22:39,734 --> 00:22:43,947 The good news is, your dad can't hurt anyone ever again. 486 00:22:45,531 --> 00:22:47,491 Uh-oh. 487 00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:58,336 Thank you so much, Derek Jeter. 488 00:22:58,419 --> 00:23:00,797 I thought a big baseball hotshot like you 489 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,759 would be too busy to help us old ladies across the street. 490 00:23:04,842 --> 00:23:07,428 I always have time to look out for my elders, 491 00:23:07,511 --> 00:23:09,472 Yankee fan or no. 492 00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:11,349 Is that a barrel of chum? 493 00:23:17,772 --> 00:23:20,108 Um, I'll meet you inside. I have to make a call. 494 00:23:20,191 --> 00:23:22,235 Okay. 495 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,366 It's Herb. You know what to do. 496 00:23:28,449 --> 00:23:34,372 Hey, Herb, look, I think we have some unfinished business. 497 00:23:34,455 --> 00:23:36,958 It seems like life's too short to hold grudges 498 00:23:37,041 --> 00:23:39,336 and stuff like that, you know what I'm saying? 499 00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:42,046 About life being too short? Well, of course you know what I'm saying. 500 00:23:42,130 --> 00:23:45,466 You're the one with terminal... I feel like I'm doing all the talking here. 501 00:23:45,549 --> 00:23:47,385 So anyway, I thought maybe we could chat. 502 00:23:47,468 --> 00:23:49,470 Why don't you give me a call, okay? 503 00:23:49,553 --> 00:23:53,224 Um... so smell you later? 504 00:23:53,308 --> 00:23:56,602 This is BoJack. Horseman. Obviously. 505 00:23:58,021 --> 00:24:01,024 Ugh, who keeps calling me? 506 00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:04,610 Come on, BoJack. Pick up, pick up. 507 00:24:04,694 --> 00:24:06,112 I'm sure he'll pick up. 508 00:24:06,196 --> 00:24:08,865 It's BoJack. You know what to do. 509 00:24:55,953 --> 00:24:57,247 Boxer versus raptor.