1 00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:14,010 As your accountant, I felt it necessary to do this in person. 2 00:00:14,100 --> 00:00:16,770 Us, too. Because we're really accounting on you... 3 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,930 - No. - to get in on the ground floor of this... 4 00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,650 No, don't do this. Please, God, no. 5 00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:21,850 PB Livin' product. 6 00:00:21,940 --> 00:00:24,190 Has this ever happened to you? 7 00:00:24,270 --> 00:00:27,400 Whatever it is, it hasn't happened. Nothing has ever happened to me. 8 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:30,610 - You say you love a toasted bagel. - I would never say that. 9 00:00:30,700 --> 00:00:33,920 - I have celiac disease. - Ding. Bagel's ready. 10 00:00:34,030 --> 00:00:35,620 - But wait. - Son of a— 11 00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:38,160 - Hey. That bagel was too fast. - No. 12 00:00:38,250 --> 00:00:41,630 That's why PB Livin' presents, the Bagel Catcher. 13 00:00:41,710 --> 00:00:44,800 - For all those hard-to-catch bagels. - No, no. Stop. Enough. Enough. 14 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,140 Stop talking! I can't take it anymore! 15 00:00:47,210 --> 00:00:49,130 PB Livin' is filing for bankruptcy. 16 00:00:49,210 --> 00:00:52,340 - I'm shutting you down. - I thought you were a customer. 17 00:00:52,430 --> 00:00:53,890 I don't get what's happening. 18 00:00:53,970 --> 00:00:57,050 What's happening is you two knuckleheads threw thousands of dollars 19 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,890 into a bunch of dumb ideas. 20 00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:02,610 You paid 50 grand to a bunch of kindergartners 21 00:01:02,690 --> 00:01:04,990 for the movie rights to the game "tag." 22 00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:07,270 Our business manager was over the moon for that. 23 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,990 Business manager? Who the hell is your business manager? 24 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:14,610 Business-wise, this all seems like appropriate business. 25 00:01:14,740 --> 00:01:16,280 You two are done. 26 00:01:16,370 --> 00:01:20,540 This company is more in the red than Carrie on prom night. 27 00:01:20,620 --> 00:01:25,500 So, what you're saying is, we're just one great idea away from breaking even? 28 00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:27,960 No. You're— You are out of money. 29 00:01:28,050 --> 00:01:31,680 Mr. Peanutbutter, you need to get a job. 30 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:35,100 - Are you hiring at your accounting firm? - Dude, no. 31 00:01:39,430 --> 00:01:42,140 I'm waiting for my agent. He'll be with me any moment. 32 00:01:42,230 --> 00:01:44,900 Mr. Peanutbutter is going back to work. 33 00:01:45,270 --> 00:01:49,060 Yeah. He's probably just organizing all the amazing opportunities. 34 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:52,730 I haven't heard from him in years, so they've probably been piling up. 35 00:01:53,490 --> 00:01:55,830 Maybe I should just go check on him. 36 00:01:56,870 --> 00:02:00,460 Hello, Ronnie? It's your favorite client, Mr. Peanutbutter. 37 00:02:00,540 --> 00:02:03,210 Well, I'm coming in. I hope you're— Oh! Oh, my God. 38 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:05,200 Ronnie, how'd you get that belt around your neck, 39 00:02:05,290 --> 00:02:07,870 then caught on the filing cabinet, which made your pants fall down 40 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:11,920 while you were researching pornograph— Oh, I see what happened here. 41 00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,230 Morning time, Hollywoo. 42 00:03:10,310 --> 00:03:13,520 - I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type. - And I'm Some Lady. 43 00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,150 Here's a thing written on a card. 44 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:19,540 Last night, major Hollywoo agent Ronnie Bonito was found dead in his office... 45 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,570 Ruh-roh. 46 00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:24,170 in what authorities are calling a mishap of a sexual nature. 47 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:28,580 - What does that mean? - You know, auto-erotic asphyxiation. 48 00:03:28,670 --> 00:03:30,420 Auto-a-what's it who's it? 49 00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:33,330 Oh, is that that thing where you strangle yourself 50 00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:36,050 in an attempt to heighten sexual arousal? 51 00:03:36,130 --> 00:03:37,840 It sure is. 52 00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:43,720 Coming up, a food truck that serves just one thing: gravy. 53 00:03:43,810 --> 00:03:45,400 Did you hear that? New food truck. 54 00:03:45,470 --> 00:03:46,930 - We should go. - I'm in. 55 00:03:47,020 --> 00:03:49,530 Hey, can I get some lunch money? It's pizza day today. 56 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,810 Sure thing, sport. Wait, where is it pizza day? 57 00:03:51,900 --> 00:03:53,530 - In my tummy. - Oh... 58 00:03:53,610 --> 00:03:56,620 Hey, BoJack, would you zip me up? My shoulder is killing me. 59 00:03:56,690 --> 00:03:59,900 I'm not sleeping right. We need to do something about that bed. 60 00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:02,660 Just because I'm nocturnal doesn't mean I wanna be up all night. 61 00:04:02,780 --> 00:04:05,370 - I propped it up with a Golden Globe. - It still wobbles. 62 00:04:05,450 --> 00:04:07,530 - Yeah. Anyway, I got you something. - Oh. 63 00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:10,580 A beeper? BoJack, it's great, but you know, I already have one. 64 00:04:10,670 --> 00:04:12,800 Yeah, you have a beeper, but I don't. 65 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,340 Now, you can page me whenever you want. 66 00:04:15,420 --> 00:04:19,130 Huh. BoJack, I love it, and you're gonna love it, too. 67 00:04:19,220 --> 00:04:21,270 There's all kinds of codes we can send each other. 68 00:04:21,340 --> 00:04:23,180 "Zero, zero, zero" is "call me," 69 00:04:23,260 --> 00:04:27,640 and "1-2-3" is "I miss you" and "8-0-0-8-5" is boobs. 70 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:29,810 What? Boobs? Oh, my God. 71 00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:31,520 What scamp came up with that one? 72 00:04:31,650 --> 00:04:33,320 Okay, I gotta go. Dinner tonight? 73 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,990 Totally. Let's hit that gravy truck. 74 00:04:36,070 --> 00:04:38,120 Okay, love you. 75 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,440 Uh... 76 00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:41,110 Uh... 77 00:04:42,530 --> 00:04:44,070 No, I don't. 78 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,280 Aw... "I love you. No, I don't"? 79 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,120 Uh... Keys. 80 00:04:52,210 --> 00:04:53,290 Uh-oh. 81 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,210 Get out. 82 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,850 Hold it. Hold the elevator. 83 00:05:15,060 --> 00:05:17,940 Ooh. Ah. Ee. Ow. 84 00:05:18,150 --> 00:05:20,070 Goddam it. No. No. Ow. 85 00:05:20,150 --> 00:05:22,480 Oh. Ow. Oh... 86 00:05:22,570 --> 00:05:25,030 Coffee? Hup. 87 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,710 Rutabaga, this day already sucks. 88 00:05:27,780 --> 00:05:30,120 My heel broke while I was at this new food truck, 89 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,370 and I spilled a handful of gravy all over myself 90 00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:35,590 because they don't sell bowls, just gravy. 91 00:05:35,670 --> 00:05:38,720 Should've gone to the bowl truck first. That's where they get you. 92 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,390 Well, I guess the upside to being invisible around here 93 00:05:41,460 --> 00:05:44,760 is that none of these assholes will ever notice what a mess I am. 94 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:47,380 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I see what a mess you are. 95 00:05:47,470 --> 00:05:48,760 Aw... 96 00:05:48,970 --> 00:05:50,760 Do you need the movie-star speech? 97 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,970 No, no, I'll be okay. And how are you? 98 00:05:54,060 --> 00:05:55,940 Gotta look at paint for the new kitchen. 99 00:05:56,020 --> 00:05:58,600 I have to pick a shade that won't clash with the splatter of blood 100 00:05:58,690 --> 00:06:01,150 from when I blow my brains out after talking to Katie 101 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,290 about paint swatches all day. 102 00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:06,040 We do have fun. 103 00:06:10,330 --> 00:06:13,380 So, what's the plan for today? Find a new agent, go on auditions? 104 00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:18,090 No, I'm gonna do exactly what landed me Mr. Peanutbutter's House, oh, so long ago. 105 00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:20,250 Wander around L.A. with an open mind 106 00:06:20,340 --> 00:06:22,720 and an empty stomach until I get discovered. 107 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,550 But also, like, find a new agent and go on auditions, right? 108 00:06:25,630 --> 00:06:27,630 Or should I start stealing food from work? 109 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,010 I'm just gonna go with the flow and leave everything up to destiny. 110 00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:34,560 - Que sera quesadilla. - You know we could lose the house, right? 111 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,520 - Diane. - Right? 112 00:06:36,650 --> 00:06:38,740 Diane, Diane, Diane. 113 00:06:48,990 --> 00:06:49,820 - Diane. - Aah! 114 00:06:49,950 --> 00:06:52,780 I wasn't stealing paper towels to use as dinner napkins. Why? 115 00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:54,370 Here's a funny question for you: 116 00:06:54,450 --> 00:06:56,830 If Mr. Peanutbutter said, "I love you. No, I don't," 117 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,220 would you need to talk about that later and figure out what he meant? 118 00:07:00,290 --> 00:07:02,960 Probably not, right? Because they're meaningless words? 119 00:07:03,050 --> 00:07:04,640 I mean, language evolves, right? 120 00:07:04,710 --> 00:07:06,550 How can anyone know what anything means? 121 00:07:06,630 --> 00:07:08,880 The answer is nobody can. Nothing means anything. 122 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:10,760 So why bother talking about anything? 123 00:07:10,850 --> 00:07:13,860 In this scenario, are Mr. Peanutbutter and I living in our house? 124 00:07:13,930 --> 00:07:17,470 Or are we squatting in an abandoned Barnes & Noble burning books to keep warm 125 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:19,980 as we struggle through our Dickensian-style poverty? 126 00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:20,890 Uh... 127 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,730 "Zero, zero, zero." No idea what that means. 128 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,280 I think it means "call me." 129 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,610 Ignore. Wait, where's the ignore button? 130 00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:29,960 How do I ignore? 131 00:07:30,030 --> 00:07:32,490 I think with a beeper, you just ignore it. 132 00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:35,590 - With what, my mind? - You seem a little stressed out. 133 00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:37,830 That's because as soon as I'm done with work, 134 00:07:37,910 --> 00:07:39,910 I have to have a long, awkward conversation 135 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:44,420 with Wanda about our relationship, unless... I'm never done with work. 136 00:07:44,500 --> 00:07:47,590 Diane, you magnificent bastard. That's it. 137 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,220 I'll be out there in the stands. 138 00:07:55,310 --> 00:07:57,230 And I'll be rooting for you, Secretariat. 139 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,520 Mm. Yeah. 140 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,980 Your line is, "And I'll see you at the finish line." 141 00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:10,940 Yeah, I know. I'm acting. Great. Now I gotta start all over. 142 00:08:11,030 --> 00:08:13,320 Settle in, folks. We could be here a while. 143 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,210 - Ow! Ooh. - Ah, Princess Carolyn. 144 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,870 So good of you to join us eventually. 145 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,210 Sorry I'm late. I had the worst morning. 146 00:08:24,290 --> 00:08:26,670 You know who had an even "the worst-er" morning? 147 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:29,770 - Ronnie Bonito. Because he's dead. - He is? 148 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,090 He decided to strangle the dirty dangle 149 00:08:32,180 --> 00:08:35,850 and now that sweet chariot has come for to carry him home. 150 00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:39,060 Everyone who was here on time is taking a moment. 151 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:42,150 - Of silence? - Yes. 152 00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:45,230 Also to reach out to his former clients. 153 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,910 - To offer their condolences? - Yes. 154 00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:50,730 Also to recruit them to the Vigor roster. 155 00:08:50,820 --> 00:08:54,150 - A Vigor agent is a vigorous agent. - Who do you want me to call? 156 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:58,160 I have ins with a bunch of Bonito's clients including all the major J's: 157 00:08:58,290 --> 00:09:02,260 - Law, Lo, Leno, and J. Abrams. - Oh, that's wonderful news 158 00:09:02,330 --> 00:09:05,620 in the parallel universe in which you were on time today. 159 00:09:05,710 --> 00:09:08,540 In this reality, however, we're all good. 160 00:09:08,630 --> 00:09:10,880 You can lap up the leftovers though. 161 00:09:10,970 --> 00:09:13,600 - "Mr. Peanutbutter"? - Oh, and Princess Carolyn? 162 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:14,940 Get your shoe fixed. 163 00:09:15,010 --> 00:09:17,970 You look like a woman from an '80s deodorant commercial. 164 00:09:24,310 --> 00:09:28,270 Here I go. Destiny, don't fail me now. 165 00:09:30,690 --> 00:09:32,730 Yeah. Hitting the pavement. 166 00:09:32,820 --> 00:09:35,200 This is how it happens for a guy like me. 167 00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:43,750 Ew... 168 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,040 Out of my way, flyer. 169 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:50,960 Ugh. Flyer. Why do you have to be on my shoe in front of this store? 170 00:09:51,050 --> 00:09:53,560 Wait, a second. Shoe. 171 00:09:53,630 --> 00:09:55,260 Store. 172 00:09:55,340 --> 00:09:57,880 Shoe store? Shoe store. 173 00:09:58,050 --> 00:09:59,590 "Team players wanted"? 174 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,680 Oh, I'm such a good team player, 175 00:10:01,770 --> 00:10:04,780 I make all the other team players look like garbage. 176 00:10:04,890 --> 00:10:08,100 Lady Footlocker, meet your lord. 177 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,700 Finish... 178 00:10:17,740 --> 00:10:19,370 line. 179 00:10:19,490 --> 00:10:22,410 Great, we got it. We got one take. 180 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,170 And now we gotta stop for the day. 181 00:10:24,250 --> 00:10:25,460 What? No. Why stop now? 182 00:10:25,540 --> 00:10:29,210 - I'm just getting warmed up. - Union rules. We're done. Go home. 183 00:10:29,290 --> 00:10:30,460 Go home? 184 00:10:30,550 --> 00:10:34,430 Why go home when we could extend this long day's journey into night? 185 00:10:34,510 --> 00:10:37,090 - Drinks on me, folks. - I could use a drink. 186 00:10:37,180 --> 00:10:39,770 - Or six. - Great, Corduroy's driving. Let's go. 187 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:43,440 Ah... 188 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,560 - I really needed this, BoJack. - Me, too. 189 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,810 Yeah, man. This day's been really hard on me. 190 00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:51,070 Ever since I heard about that agent who died from that blue-face blastoff? 191 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:53,070 - Blue-face blastoff? - The strokey chokey? 192 00:10:53,150 --> 00:10:54,570 - The two-neck squeeze? - What? 193 00:10:54,650 --> 00:10:56,860 You know, the one hand on the Adam's apple, 194 00:10:56,950 --> 00:10:59,040 the other one's on the Adam's banana? 195 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,290 Oh, right. Right. Yeah. The auto-erotic— 196 00:11:02,410 --> 00:11:05,200 That could've been me. I used to really be into that stuff. 197 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:06,790 I was a hardcore gasper. 198 00:11:06,870 --> 00:11:08,580 Can't believe you have so many names for it. 199 00:11:08,670 --> 00:11:10,340 Now I can't stop thinking about it. 200 00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,590 I shouldn't even be alive right now. 201 00:11:12,670 --> 00:11:14,340 Don't need to talk about how you masturbate. 202 00:11:14,420 --> 00:11:16,630 - The orgasms you get— - Okay, I guess we do. 203 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,440 It's like seeing a rainbow, but with all the colors. 204 00:11:19,510 --> 00:11:22,140 - So, like a normal rainbow? - But it's too dangerous, man. 205 00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:25,350 They say if you bite down on a lemon right at the point of climax, 206 00:11:25,430 --> 00:11:28,770 the lemon juice gives you the jolt you need to not pass out and die. 207 00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:33,020 But still man, you're just... rolling the dice. 208 00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,190 Okay, this is getting really graphic. 209 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,990 Can we maybe talk about anything else? 210 00:11:37,070 --> 00:11:38,690 - Sure. - Thank God. 211 00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:43,320 Hey, man, it's funny you should mention God, because my new thing is... the Bible. 212 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:44,450 Uh... 213 00:11:44,540 --> 00:11:48,800 Tell me, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal savior? 214 00:11:48,870 --> 00:11:52,080 So, noose-wise, what are we talking? You use a standard sailor's knot 215 00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:54,080 or more like your average birthday-present bow? 216 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,970 - I beeped you, BoJack. - Oh, hey. About this morning— 217 00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:07,980 - It's fine. - Because when I said that— 218 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,350 I said it's fine. You don't love me. 219 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:13,200 That's okay. I don't love you. 220 00:12:13,270 --> 00:12:15,770 - What? - Good night. 221 00:12:18,450 --> 00:12:20,250 Morning time, Hollywoo. 222 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,410 - I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type. - And I'm Some Lady. 223 00:12:23,490 --> 00:12:26,490 On today's show, I sit down with Hank Hippopopalous 224 00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:29,910 to discuss his new smash hit, Hey, I Think You Can Dance. 225 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,830 Can you talk about your process? 226 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,090 When I see someone, and I think they can dance, 227 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:37,040 I say, "Hey, I think you can dance." 228 00:12:37,130 --> 00:12:41,420 And when I think they can't dance, I say, "No, I don't think you can dance." 229 00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:44,220 - And that is pretty much it. - Fascinating. 230 00:12:45,260 --> 00:12:48,350 - So, last night when— - BoJack, it's not a big deal. 231 00:12:48,430 --> 00:12:50,270 You don't love me, I don't love you. 232 00:12:50,350 --> 00:12:52,520 We're having a good time. It's fine. 233 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,690 Can't just say, "I don't love you" to someone. 234 00:12:54,770 --> 00:12:57,110 - You said it to me. - Yeah, but that was different. 235 00:12:57,190 --> 00:12:59,770 - How was that different? - Because you do love me. Right? 236 00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:01,490 - Like a little bit? - No. 237 00:13:01,570 --> 00:13:04,820 Uh, for what it's worth, I love both you guys. 238 00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:07,130 Shut up, Todd. Grown-ups are talking. 239 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,590 Here you go, ma'am. 240 00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:19,290 Jessica Atkinson, come on down. 241 00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:20,590 Mr. Peanutbutter? 242 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:25,510 Would you like to see what's in box number one or box number two? 243 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:29,730 Either way, it's a brand-new pair of shoes! 244 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,020 Oh. 245 00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:37,310 Hup. Carolyn. 246 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,690 - Rutabaga— - Coffee? 247 00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:40,830 I was thinking about you last night 248 00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:44,610 while Katie and I were locked in a fascinating debate about counter granite. 249 00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:47,990 And what if I told you I used to work Ronnie Bonito's desk, 250 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:51,040 and I happen to know that he had a client so hush-hush, 251 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:55,460 - it wasn't even on the master list. - What? Who? Tell me. Whoa! 252 00:13:56,460 --> 00:14:00,880 Beloved novelist J.D. Salinger. What? 253 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,130 The author of Catcher in the Rye? 254 00:14:03,220 --> 00:14:05,600 - And... others? - Yuh-huh. 255 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:08,020 - Isn't he dead? - He's "reclusive." 256 00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:12,270 Dude wanted to be left alone so much, he faked his own death. 257 00:14:12,350 --> 00:14:13,560 Oh, my God. 258 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,310 Why are you giving this lead to me? 259 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,950 - Because I like you, dummy. - Huh. 260 00:14:18,020 --> 00:14:21,650 Now we gotta wait for the fire department to come let us out of this elevator. 261 00:14:26,410 --> 00:14:28,250 - Hey. - Corduroy, what are you doing here? 262 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,490 I need a favor. Can you hold on to this for me? 263 00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:32,960 - Ew. Is this your Bible? - No, no, no. 264 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,040 - It's my choking-off kit. - Your kit? 265 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,500 Yeah. It has all my supplies. 266 00:14:36,580 --> 00:14:39,630 Silk ties, a leather gag, velvet sock. Lemon. 267 00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:42,710 You gotta take this off my hands. I can't trust myself with this. 268 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,840 I don't know if I want your jack-off kit at my house. 269 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,050 Please. I got this girlfriend. She loves me. 270 00:14:47,140 --> 00:14:50,350 If I fall back into the old gasp-and-goo, it'll break her heart. 271 00:14:50,430 --> 00:14:53,180 Wait. So, you're saying if someone loves you, 272 00:14:53,270 --> 00:14:55,900 they don't want you to choke yourself while masturbating? 273 00:14:55,980 --> 00:14:57,860 Yeah. It's really dangerous. 274 00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,980 - All right. I'll take it. - Thanks, BoJack. 275 00:15:00,060 --> 00:15:02,060 I still don't understand why you need a kit. 276 00:15:02,150 --> 00:15:04,110 Can't you just use, like, a belt or a rope? 277 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,120 Oh, I guess. 278 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,040 I mean, I guess you could use anything. 279 00:15:08,110 --> 00:15:12,200 I mean, you could use an iPhone charger, a shoelace, a necktie, a jump-rope... 280 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,670 Hm... 281 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,500 Oh. Ooh. 282 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,680 - Oh, hello. I'm looking for some— - Sorry, no looking allowed. 283 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,380 This store is for customers only. 284 00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:34,010 Okay, then, I would like to buy a bicycle. What would you recommend? 285 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,140 - One with a bell, or—? - You got me. 286 00:15:36,230 --> 00:15:40,360 I don't know anything about bicycles. I'm J.D. Salinger. I faked my own death. 287 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:45,150 Mr. Salinger. Such a pleasure. Princess Carolyn, big fan. 288 00:15:45,230 --> 00:15:47,150 Let me guess, Catcher in the Rye? 289 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,000 And others. 290 00:15:49,070 --> 00:15:51,910 - I wanna say The Hobbi— - Nope. 291 00:15:51,990 --> 00:15:53,370 Look. I'm an agent. 292 00:15:53,450 --> 00:15:55,530 It doesn't matter whether I've read your work. 293 00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:59,660 What matters is I can look you in the eye and tell you I'm a big fan. 294 00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,670 The world is ready for your comeback, and I wanna help. 295 00:16:02,750 --> 00:16:04,130 No, thank you. Not interested. 296 00:16:04,210 --> 00:16:06,000 Did that before, didn't work out well. 297 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:08,170 Fans were relentless. The critics were cruel. 298 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:11,560 And that's why my motto is, "It's better to be alone." 299 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,270 Which, come to think of it, 300 00:16:13,350 --> 00:16:15,940 is probably why I don't sell a lot of tandem bicycles. 301 00:16:16,020 --> 00:16:18,860 But, J.D. Salinger, you are J.D. Salinger. 302 00:16:18,940 --> 00:16:20,940 You are a goddamn American treasure. 303 00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:24,560 But every time I go out in the world, people hound me about my books. 304 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,230 Well, book. 305 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,290 What if I told you there was a place where no one reads books? 306 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:30,530 I'm listening. 307 00:16:30,610 --> 00:16:33,700 A place where people only read headlines, lists and pictures. 308 00:16:33,780 --> 00:16:36,120 A place where people hate reading so much, 309 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:39,790 they hire others to do it for them and don't even pay a living wage. 310 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,760 What do you mean, like, modern reading slaves? 311 00:16:42,830 --> 00:16:44,040 Exactly. 312 00:16:44,130 --> 00:16:46,760 And all those modern reading slaves really wanna be doing 313 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,380 is writing things that, one day, other people will also avoid reading. 314 00:16:50,470 --> 00:16:54,020 - Does such a place truly exist? - Come with me, J.D. Salinger. 315 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,900 Let's go to Hollywoo. 316 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:03,450 Hup! 317 00:17:04,810 --> 00:17:07,770 Oh... 318 00:17:07,980 --> 00:17:09,190 - Hey. - Hey. 319 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,950 - We need to talk. - Okay. 320 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:14,110 You're probably wondering what this beautiful mahogany box is. 321 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,530 - I wasn't wondering that. - It's my auto-erotic asphyxiation kit. 322 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,990 I've decided to do the funky Spider-Man. 323 00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,830 - What? Funky Spider-Man? - I came up with that one myself. 324 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:24,760 Because he hangs, then he shoots webbing. 325 00:17:24,830 --> 00:17:28,540 Wait. Are you saying you want to auto-erotic asphyxiate yourself? 326 00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:29,880 Yes. I do. 327 00:17:29,970 --> 00:17:31,510 Even though it's very dangerous 328 00:17:31,590 --> 00:17:33,170 - and I could die. - Oh. 329 00:17:33,340 --> 00:17:36,470 Now, if you love me, you probably wouldn't want me to do it. 330 00:17:36,550 --> 00:17:39,760 - Okay. I get it. - Since you don't, I should do it, right? 331 00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:42,770 I mean, there's no reason not to... unless you love me. 332 00:17:42,850 --> 00:17:44,310 - Do it. - Wait. Seriously? 333 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:46,070 Seems like you've already made up your mind. 334 00:17:46,150 --> 00:17:48,240 If you're that set on it, knock yourself out. 335 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,950 Only if I do it wrong. 336 00:17:51,030 --> 00:17:53,660 Because as I mentioned before, it's very dangerous. 337 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,070 - Have fun. - I'm serious. I'm really gonna do it. 338 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,460 Great. Put a towel down. Not one of the good ones. 339 00:18:00,950 --> 00:18:02,830 Morning time, Hollywoo. 340 00:18:02,910 --> 00:18:04,660 I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type. 341 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:08,080 And I'm An Actress Or Something, I don't know, sitting in for Some Lady. 342 00:18:08,210 --> 00:18:10,790 - Whoa. What happened to her? - She got kidnapped. 343 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,300 Oh, boy. 344 00:18:12,470 --> 00:18:15,730 Oh, my. Ooh, wow. 345 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:19,010 Oh, hey. Look who survived to masturbate another day. 346 00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:20,900 Well, I didn't do it yet, obviously. 347 00:18:20,970 --> 00:18:22,810 If I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna go all out. 348 00:18:22,890 --> 00:18:25,850 A big job like that needs lumber, and pulleys, lemons, so forth. 349 00:18:25,940 --> 00:18:29,280 I'm not gonna half-ass anything. This is my orgasm we're talking about. 350 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:31,570 Okay. Well, I wish you all the best. 351 00:18:31,650 --> 00:18:33,940 - Not too late to stop me. - I'm not gonna stop you. 352 00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,190 - Good 'cause don't. - All right, we're in agreement. 353 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,700 Stop fighting! 354 00:18:37,780 --> 00:18:39,870 Can't you two see what this is doing to me? 355 00:18:39,950 --> 00:18:42,330 I've been acting out. 356 00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:44,740 Have a great day. 357 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,500 Todd? Get in the car. 358 00:18:46,580 --> 00:18:49,460 It's time to get serious about auto-erotic asphyxiation. 359 00:18:49,540 --> 00:18:52,840 Hooray! Question mark? 360 00:18:56,180 --> 00:18:59,730 Just play it cool, Todd. No one needs to know why we're here. 361 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:03,100 Excuse me, I'm looking for something that will hold up a lot of weight. 362 00:19:03,180 --> 00:19:07,020 Let's say something that could hoist up a horse comfortably by the neck. 363 00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:09,480 Not for suicide purposes. 364 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:12,270 I'm trying to have a more fulfilling orgasm. 365 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:19,030 The world wept when news broke that J.D. Salinger died. 366 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:23,000 - J.D. Salinger died? - But I'm here to tell you, he didn't die. 367 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,910 J.D. Salinger didn't die? 368 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:28,000 As one of the 20th century's most celebrated authors, 369 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:31,040 J.D. Salinger has inspired countless dreamers, 370 00:19:31,130 --> 00:19:33,340 eighth graders and occasionally, assassins. 371 00:19:33,420 --> 00:19:36,460 His spare lyricism and devotion to character 372 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:40,260 will undoubtedly translate into a penetrating dramatic work for this, 373 00:19:40,340 --> 00:19:42,510 the golden age of television writing. 374 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,400 J.D. Take it away. 375 00:19:44,470 --> 00:19:48,850 I wanna do a show where people ask celebrities trivia questions. 376 00:19:48,940 --> 00:19:50,450 - What? - Like a game show? 377 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,850 Yeah. You know because since they're famous people, 378 00:19:52,940 --> 00:19:56,150 I think normal people would wanna see if they know trivia and stuff. 379 00:19:56,240 --> 00:20:00,000 You know, like, Hollywoo stars and celebrities, what do they know? 380 00:20:00,070 --> 00:20:02,160 Do they know things? Let's find out. 381 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,830 What a hoot. I love it, and I don't use that word with just anybody. 382 00:20:05,910 --> 00:20:06,830 What do you call it? 383 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,340 I call it Hollywoo Stars and What Do They Know? 384 00:20:10,420 --> 00:20:12,590 Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out. 385 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,380 It's maybe more of a working title. 386 00:20:14,460 --> 00:20:16,250 I can see it on the marquee already. 387 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,090 - Must be a long marquee. - It's long. 388 00:20:18,170 --> 00:20:21,050 Yeah, yeah. The celebrities can also do physical challenges. 389 00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:21,980 Oh, it's perfect. 390 00:20:22,050 --> 00:20:25,260 We've been searching for a companion for Hey, I Think You Can Dance. 391 00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:27,730 But wait, wait one second. Who's gonna host? 392 00:20:28,140 --> 00:20:30,770 Huh. I've got the perfect guy. 393 00:20:30,850 --> 00:20:34,060 Who wants to be in Nike Airs? 394 00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:37,870 Claire, you are looking off the charts "gorge" in those tennis shoes. 395 00:20:37,940 --> 00:20:41,690 But let me ask you this: Would you like to buy a towel? 396 00:20:42,030 --> 00:20:44,530 Because I'm throwing one in for free. 397 00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:46,500 - He's perfect. - Mm-hm. 398 00:20:46,580 --> 00:20:47,960 Mr. Peanutbutter? 399 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:53,050 How would you like to be the host of J.D. Salinger's new celebrity game show? 400 00:20:53,170 --> 00:20:56,420 What? I knew destiny had a plan for me. 401 00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:58,340 You know, it just goes to show, 402 00:20:58,420 --> 00:21:01,130 with the right attitude, every single one of your dreams 403 00:21:01,220 --> 00:21:02,770 will always come true. 404 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,470 And if your dreams don't come true, 405 00:21:04,550 --> 00:21:08,350 it's probably because you just didn't have the right attitude. 406 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:15,230 Today, one agent did something that no one else could. 407 00:21:15,310 --> 00:21:18,230 I'll give you two hints: catcher and rye. 408 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,190 Oh. Nothing. It's nothing. 409 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:24,370 Charley Witherspoon caught a rye bagel coming out of the toaster. 410 00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:27,410 - Come again? - It was coming fast and hot. 411 00:21:27,490 --> 00:21:31,160 One day, some genius will invent some sort of bagel catcher 412 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,250 that takes the guesswork out of this task, 413 00:21:33,330 --> 00:21:36,500 but until then, Charley gets a gold star. 414 00:21:36,590 --> 00:21:40,890 - Thanks, Dad. I mean, Mr. Dad. - Oh... 415 00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:46,340 Oh, boy. 416 00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:48,180 Hey. Wasn't sure if I'd see you. 417 00:21:48,260 --> 00:21:51,760 Still alive? Because auto-erotic asphyxiation is so risky? 418 00:21:51,850 --> 00:21:53,430 Well, here I am, for now. 419 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:56,140 BoJack... Wait. Did you fix the bed? 420 00:21:56,230 --> 00:21:57,810 Yeah. I was at the hardware store 421 00:21:57,900 --> 00:22:01,230 picking up supplies for my auto-erotic asphyxiation machine. 422 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,570 Because, as you are aware, 423 00:22:02,650 --> 00:22:05,820 I'm preparing to auto-erotic asphyxiate myself. 424 00:22:05,910 --> 00:22:09,830 Figured I'd get stuff for the bed so you could at least get a good night's sleep. 425 00:22:09,910 --> 00:22:11,740 Okay, BoJack. 426 00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:13,830 Wanna talk about the elephant in the room? 427 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,250 Wow. Okay. You know what? 428 00:22:17,330 --> 00:22:19,920 You know what? Here's— First of all— 429 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,300 Wow. All right, I can't even— 430 00:22:24,380 --> 00:22:27,050 You know what? I— 431 00:22:27,140 --> 00:22:27,980 Wow. 432 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:29,890 He is never gonna forget that. 433 00:22:29,970 --> 00:22:31,140 What is this all about? 434 00:22:31,220 --> 00:22:34,060 This isn't about anything but the pursuit of the kind of orgasm 435 00:22:34,190 --> 00:22:36,360 that feels like a rainbow with every color. 436 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,030 - So, a regular rainbow. - No. 437 00:22:38,110 --> 00:22:40,950 So, if you don't mind, as long as you don't love me, 438 00:22:41,030 --> 00:22:43,370 I have a noose to step into. 439 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:45,320 I just need to release this lever, 440 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,820 drop these bags of sand, which act as counterweights, 441 00:22:47,910 --> 00:22:50,330 and then just pull this nozzle. 442 00:22:50,410 --> 00:22:52,910 - Perfect. - Okay. Have fun. 443 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:57,170 - Wait, Wanda. -Okay, fine, you stupid baby. 444 00:22:57,290 --> 00:22:58,540 I love you. 445 00:22:59,210 --> 00:23:01,960 I— I knew it. 446 00:23:02,050 --> 00:23:05,470 But I'm not going to tell you not to do the funky Spider-Man. 447 00:23:05,590 --> 00:23:08,510 - What? - You need to be responsible for yourself. 448 00:23:08,590 --> 00:23:10,380 - That doesn't sound like me. - I know. 449 00:23:10,470 --> 00:23:13,390 But if you love me, too, you won't do it. 450 00:23:17,940 --> 00:23:19,280 - I thought so. - Okay. 451 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:22,740 Just for the record, I never really wanted to do this in the first place, 452 00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:24,910 Me not doing it is not a sign that I love you. 453 00:23:24,990 --> 00:23:27,160 - It's just because I'm a coward. - Okay. 454 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:28,860 - I don't love you. - Sure, you don't. 455 00:23:28,950 --> 00:23:31,410 I don't. Come back here. I don't love you. 456 00:23:31,490 --> 00:23:33,530 You don't make me feel less broken. 457 00:23:37,290 --> 00:23:38,160 I don't get it. 458 00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:42,790 I singlehandedly got a Lady Footlocker store employee a primetime show 459 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:47,210 and resurrected a certified dead man and nobody cared. 460 00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:50,010 - Why do I do anything? - Hey. 461 00:23:50,470 --> 00:23:52,220 Do you need the movie star speech? 462 00:23:52,430 --> 00:23:54,220 Yeah. 463 00:23:54,310 --> 00:23:57,940 Okay. Carolyn, you are the star of a movie. 464 00:23:58,020 --> 00:24:00,940 This is the part of the movie where you get your heart broken. 465 00:24:01,020 --> 00:24:03,900 Where the world tests you, and people treat you like shit. 466 00:24:03,980 --> 00:24:05,560 But it has to happen this way. 467 00:24:05,650 --> 00:24:07,150 Otherwise, the end of the movie, 468 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,370 when you get everything you want, won't feel as rewarding. 469 00:24:10,450 --> 00:24:14,420 There are assholes out there, but in the end, they don't matter. 470 00:24:14,490 --> 00:24:16,700 Because this movie's not about them. 471 00:24:16,790 --> 00:24:18,340 It's never been about them. 472 00:24:18,410 --> 00:24:22,040 All this time, the movie's been about you. 473 00:24:22,170 --> 00:24:23,380 Thanks. 474 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,760 - Carolyn? - Yes, Rutabaga? 475 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:31,130 I think Katie and I are getting a divorce. 476 00:24:32,260 --> 00:24:34,890 Corduroy? I don't want this thing anymore. 477 00:24:34,970 --> 00:24:36,640 Corduroy? 478 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:37,930 Hey, you decent, man? 479 00:24:39,980 --> 00:24:41,610 Oh, sweet Jesus. 480 00:25:26,650 --> 00:25:29,610 Boxer versus raptor. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.