1
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,926
Piece of shit. Stupid piece of shit.

2
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:13,055
You're a real stupid piece of shit.
But I know I'm a piece of shit.

3
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,058
That makes me better than
all the pieces of shit

4
00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:16,618
who don't know they're pieces of shit.

5
00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:18,727
Or is it worse? Breakfast.

6
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,395
Oh, I don't deserve breakfast. Shut up.

7
00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:23,232
Don't feel sorry for yourself. Get
breakfast, you stupid fat-ass.

8
00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:26,652
These are cookies.
This is not breakfast.

9
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,153
You are eating cookies. Stop it.

10
00:00:28,237 --> 00:00:30,157
Stop eating cookies, go
make yourself breakfast.

11
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:31,740
Stop it. Don't eat one more cookie.

12
00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:33,450
Put that down. Do not eat that cookie.

13
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,574
I can't believe you ate that cookie.

14
00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:38,080
- Hey, BoJack, we need milk.
- For the baby.

15
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:39,998
- For the what?
- Where is the baby? I saw...

16
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:41,522
- Can I borrow your car?
- What baby?

17
00:00:41,546 --> 00:00:43,252
I don't know. Tina's
gonna make breakfast.

18
00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:45,170
She needs milk. Can I
take the car or what?

19
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,297
Shit. I don't want her driving my car,

20
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:48,741
getting her grubby hands all over.

21
00:00:48,765 --> 00:00:51,165
She's not grubby, she's your
daughter, you piece of garbage.

22
00:00:51,189 --> 00:00:53,595
You're a piece of garbage, a
real shitty piece of garbage.

23
00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:54,780
Uh...

24
00:00:54,835 --> 00:00:57,474
Think, idiot. If she takes the
car, you're trapped here with Mom

25
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,642
and her spooky lazy eyes.

26
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,686
If you get the milk and
leave Hollyhock with Mom,

27
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:02,062
she could tell things about you,

28
00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:04,225
poison your daughter against
you, that what you want?

29
00:01:04,249 --> 00:01:06,567
Okay, how about, um... Hold on.

30
00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:08,402
They're looking. Say something!

31
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:09,570
Open your idiot dumb mouth!

32
00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:10,779
I will get milk.

33
00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:15,231
Milk, milk. What are
they talking about now?

34
00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:18,412
Probably you and what a dumb piece of
trash you are, you fat sack of idiot.

35
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,975
Why not do the world a favor and
swerve into oncoming traffic?

36
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:24,501
No, you don't deserve to die
young, only the greats die young.

37
00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:26,586
Oh, now you think you're
young all of a sudden?

38
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:29,588
One drink.

39
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,676
Whoa. Is it night suddenly?

40
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:33,885
Suddenly sundown.

41
00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:35,595
Suddenly "Sooze-town."

42
00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,472
What was that show?
"Suddenly Sooze-town?"

43
00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:39,182
Brooke Shields... something?

44
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:42,519
Show was on for five years and now
nobody... Oh, my God, is that life?

45
00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:45,022
You're there, you do your
thing, and then people forget.

46
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,732
"Forget it, Jake. It's Sooze-town."

47
00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:49,484
Is that me? Am I the Suddenly
Sooze-town of people?

48
00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:50,569
Shit.

49
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:54,197
Oh, shit. You gotta drive.
Sober up, buddy.

50
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,783
Here we go, sober... now!

51
00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,285
Sober, now!

52
00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:00,871
Come on, you drunk piece
of shit, be less drunk.

53
00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:03,373
Now! Okay.

54
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,340
Idiot. What'd you do all day?
Piece of shit.

55
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:14,801
That's a day you'll never get back. What
was that? You're a real piece of...

56
00:02:14,885 --> 00:02:17,387
- Where have you been?
- Uh...

57
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,930
Did you get the milk?

58
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,807
Uh...

59
00:03:06,675 --> 00:03:11,675
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com.

60
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,657
Stupid piece of shit.

61
00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:22,744
Oh, God.

62
00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:25,872
If you're looking for the
milk Tina ended up getting,

63
00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:28,208
Tina is using it to
make us all breakfast.

64
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,212
Well, it's about time someone
pulls their weight around here.

65
00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:35,132
Henrietta, you should
make a healthy breakfast.

66
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,676
- Okay, that's enough from you.
- For the baby.

67
00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:41,304
No one loves a Fatty Patty.

68
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,640
Uh-oh.

69
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,188
Is my house on a slant or something?

70
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:55,026
- This wall needs to be painted.
- I'm gonna go.

71
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,320
You don't want to stick around,
eat breakfast together?

72
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,614
Great pitch, love your energy.
It's a pass.

73
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:02,993
What are you doing? Go home.

74
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:06,163
You're parked on Mulholland doing
nothing, you could be eating breakfast

75
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,086
with your long-lost
daughter and dying mother.

76
00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:09,499
You are a terrible person.

77
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,960
Use the shoulder, asshole!

78
00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:13,670
He gets it.

79
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:19,509
I know, I wanted to tell you right away.

80
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,970
- Right this way.
- Oh, I gotta go. See you tonight.

81
00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:25,766
If it isn't my favorite
client, Courtney Portnoy,

82
00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,350
and also another client, Todd.

83
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:31,062
It's always nice to be included
in a sentence someone says.

84
00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:34,566
Ms. Taken was a miserable failure.

85
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:37,068
- Princess Carolyn...
- But Courtney, more importantly,

86
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:40,030
audiences are going to adore
your tour de force performance

87
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,370
as the forceful
denim-clad court reporter

88
00:04:42,417 --> 00:04:44,475
in The Court Reporter Sported Jorts,

89
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:47,537
the jet-setting jort-sporting
court reporter story.

90
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:50,791
Yes, the film is spectacularly
romantic and well-titled,

91
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,626
but I need a change in representation.

92
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,795
No! Courtney! Before you fire me...

93
00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:59,508
I'm not gonna fire you. Heavens, no!
I fired my agents.

94
00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:02,469
Oh, good. Yeah, agents are replaceable.

95
00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:05,180
A manager is forever.
That's the takeaway here.

96
00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:07,808
I think you'll fall in
love with my new agent.

97
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,018
- Love her already. Who is she?
- He.

98
00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:11,937
Yes, he, he, ha, ha.

99
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,523
- Now tell me her name.
- Rutabaga Rabitowitz.

100
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,982
Oh, fish.

101
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,027
We got a nice bounce off
of Court's engagement.

102
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,863
"Court" is what I'm calling Courtney
for wordplay-related reasons

103
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:24,027
that'll become apparent at
the end of this sentence,

104
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:26,451
but that bounce has lost its pounce,

105
00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:28,495
and if we want to keep
this name in the news,

106
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:31,206
we're going to need a full-court press.

107
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:35,418
So what do you do after an engagement?

108
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:38,171
D-d-d-doy! Wedding of the century.

109
00:05:38,196 --> 00:05:39,222
Whoa!

110
00:05:39,247 --> 00:05:42,683
We're talking floral arrangements.
We're talking procession of elephants.

111
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:46,012
We're talking Jaden Smith in
a Clockwork Orange costume,

112
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,806
reading a poem he wrote...

113
00:05:47,856 --> 00:05:50,576
Does that poem rhyme? No! What are
you, crazy? Of course it doesn't.

114
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,228
And, uh-oh, was someone looking
for Sebastian Janikowski,

115
00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:54,604
because here's the kicker...

116
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:58,525
We do the whole thing the weekend
before the movie drops. Bam!

117
00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:00,208
- Weekend before the movie drops?
- Boom!

118
00:06:00,232 --> 00:06:01,653
- That's this weekend.
- Ka-zow!

119
00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:03,321
- Four days from today.
- Ooh.

120
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:04,864
Today? That's today!

121
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:08,368
Which is why it's so perfect.
No notice is the new notice.

122
00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:11,246
This wedding is so fancy we don't
care if you have other plans.

123
00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,373
- Total status move.
- You're right.

124
00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,125
Being engaged is one thing,

125
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,794
but I'm not sure I want
to actually get married.

126
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:21,131
We can draw up a standard
Hollywoo sham-marriage contract:

127
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:22,909
Three years, non-exclusive,

128
00:06:22,964 --> 00:06:24,283
- huge payday.
- Oh.

129
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:26,303
And I presume you'll be
arranging everything.

130
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:29,764
As Courtney's agent I'm happy to
help, but I believe traditionally

131
00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:32,392
it's the bride's manager
who plans the wedding.

132
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:34,352
Okay.

133
00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:39,024
Idiot. Stupid animal. Oaf.

134
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:41,192
You are just the prettiest thing.

135
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:43,862
- Yes, you are.
- Who are you talking to?

136
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:47,115
Keep it down, oaf. You'll
make the baby cry.

137
00:06:47,158 --> 00:06:48,221
- Baby?
- Yes, you are.

138
00:06:48,260 --> 00:06:51,578
She kept asking where the baby was,
so I had Tina get her this doll.

139
00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:55,081
- She's totes into it.
- Mom is "totes" into a baby?

140
00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:57,525
Is it possible the baby got
dipped in brandy at some point?

141
00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,836
Or cigarettes, or regressive
ideas about immigrants?

142
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,881
- I think she just wanted a baby.
- Coochie-coochie-coo...

143
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:05,133
You shouldn't indulge her delusions.
It's not right.

144
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:08,511
But she seemed really down. And
you're never around anymore.

145
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,263
It was getting depressing
to look at her.

146
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,349
That's why I made her this pillowcase.

147
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:15,310
You just put this over her
head and everything is fine.

148
00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:16,686
Dark in here.

149
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,522
Hello?

150
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:23,735
So they're airing an F.H.B.A.
Miami marathon this weekend.

151
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:25,236
Does anyone want to come over?

152
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,323
Oh, I actually have a big announcement.

153
00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:31,534
I'm marrying Courtney
Portnoy this weekend.

154
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,787
- Wow! Great, Todd. Good for you.
- That's amazing.

155
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:37,666
I know it's pretty wild for an
asexual to get married, but...

156
00:07:37,749 --> 00:07:40,418
Not really. John and I are
aces and we're married.

157
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:41,502
- Really?
- Yeah.

158
00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:42,824
Our wedding was nautical-themed.

159
00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:45,256
Why nautical? Is that,
like, an asexual thing?

160
00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:47,217
No, man. We just really like boats.

161
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,886
Asexual just means you're
not interested in sex.

162
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,389
Some asexuals are also a-romantic,

163
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,975
but others have relationships
like anyone else.

164
00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:56,851
But involving boats?

165
00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,479
I feel like you're getting really
hung up on the boats thing.

166
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:02,482
So, it's not weird for
an ace to get married?

167
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:06,653
No, if you found someone who really
accepts you for who you are, go for it.

168
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:10,740
I will! I mean, I am. I mean, am I?

169
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:22,293
Mmm! Beatrice, this coffee is amazing.

170
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,714
You stupid garbage fire.
Everything sucks.

171
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:28,174
BoJack, did you see what
your mother is doing?

172
00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:29,551
Isn't it incredible?

173
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:32,220
Yeah, making breakfast at three
in the afternoon. So with it.

174
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:36,266
Isn't this baby well-behaved?
Hardly ever cries.

175
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,727
Probably because you're such
a good mother, Beatrice.

176
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:39,811
Don't say that.

177
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:42,105
I was very nervous to
have a baby in the house,

178
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:45,358
but it turns out, all it
needed is a mother's love.

179
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:50,488
Oh, when you grow up, you can
be anything you want to be.

180
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:53,491
Lousy baby. What did it
ever do that was so great?

181
00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:54,909
Am I jealous of a doll?

182
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,914
Maybe if that doll wasn't so smug,

183
00:08:56,961 --> 00:08:58,771
looking at me with its
creepy doll eyes...

184
00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,030
She's tricking you, Hollyhock.

185
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:02,459
- This is not what she's really like.
- Who cares?

186
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:06,046
Whatever beef you have with your mom,
that's just a sweet confused old lady.

187
00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:08,173
- She's right.
- Wrong. She's in there.

188
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:11,051
- She knows exactly what she's doing.
- You are so paranoid.

189
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:14,179
Please stop fighting. All this
shouting is bad for the baby.

190
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:16,973
Where was that keen parenting
insight 50 years ago?

191
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:20,018
Henrietta, you're unfit to be a parent.

192
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:21,861
- I'm unfit?
- It's true, jackass.

193
00:09:21,885 --> 00:09:24,898
You think it's so hard to be a
parent to a doll? I could do that.

194
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:27,984
Hey, look, I'm cradling the baby.
Hope I don't drop it!

195
00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:31,863
Oh, no! I dropped it,
but it's not crying.

196
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,365
Guess it's okay. I'm an amazing parent.

197
00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:37,535
What if I left it in its room all day
and didn't feed it or change it?

198
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:40,622
Oh, that's okay, too. I
must be mother of the year!

199
00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,665
- BoJack.
- I know! What if for 18 years straight

200
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:46,169
I just tell it how worthless it is
every day, how it embarrasses me,

201
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,213
how my life would be better
if it was never born?

202
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,423
Would that be a good idea?
Probably, right?

203
00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:54,552
Give me the baby back, you worthless
waste of my husband's jism!

204
00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:58,098
- Oh, so you do know who I am.
- Govern yourself, Henrietta.

205
00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:01,351
Hey, you think the baby would be okay
if I threw it over the side of my deck?

206
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,811
Probably, right?

207
00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:04,312
BoJack, don't.

208
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:05,480
Do it.

209
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:08,108
Nah, I'm just kidding around.
Here you go, Mom.

210
00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:10,735
Oh, no! My hands are so slippery!

211
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,445
Oh, no! Oh, oh, oh!

212
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:17,117
No!

213
00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:19,369
Nice arm.

214
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,705
Why did you do that?

215
00:10:26,119 --> 00:10:28,777
You goddamn piece of shit idiot asshole.

216
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,715
This is what you do. This
is what you always do.

217
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,551
This is why Mom loves
Doll more than you.

218
00:10:34,576 --> 00:10:36,160
She's right. Doll never hurt anybody.

219
00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:38,304
Doll wouldn't throw you over
the side of a mountain.

220
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,723
Gotta make things right.
Gotta get Doll back.

221
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,935
Okay, one drink. And then, Doll back.

222
00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,604
You screw-up. You're making
your daughter hate you.

223
00:10:46,686 --> 00:10:49,166
Which is good, because look what
happens when people love you.

224
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,568
Look at Penny. And Herb. And Sarah Lynn.

225
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,279
It's because you made
them love you, BoJack.

226
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,614
You gotta fix this, dummy.
How can you fix this?

227
00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,241
Princess Carolyn? She hates your guts.

228
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,118
Todd? No. Diane? Yes! Oh, good.

229
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,620
Good old responsible Diane,
she'll know what to do.

230
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,164
Oh... aah...

231
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,417
Oh.

232
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,419
"California can't wait."

233
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,087
Am I Ace of Base right now?

234
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:14,132
Because all that I want is
another one of these babies.

235
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,633
BoJack Horseman?

236
00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:18,761
What is this, a will.I.am-style
celebrity endorsement video?

237
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,638
- Where's Diane?
- Oh, she's on the roof.

238
00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:23,558
Boy, will she be surprised
to see you. Diane!

239
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:24,893
What are you doing?

240
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,978
No, not like this. She
doesn't know I'm here.

241
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,355
First time she sees me can't
be drunk asking for help.

242
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:30,959
- What's wrong? You need help?
- Idiot.

243
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,864
You gotta get me outta here.
Where did I park?

244
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,068
- Um...
- Beep. Beep, beep?

245
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:35,653
You shouldn't be driving right now.

246
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,406
Why don't I make like Eddie Money
and take you home tonight?

247
00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:41,117
No, I can't go home. Not without Doll.

248
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,078
Also, Eddie Money doesn't do the
taking home in "Take Me Home Tonight,"

249
00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:47,582
so if you're taking me home,
then I would be Eddie Money.

250
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:49,834
Okay, something's going on with you.

251
00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,961
- It's not like you to be so testy.
- Yes, it is.

252
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,255
Everyone, take the rest of the day off.

253
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:58,384
My pal BoJack needs a friend day.
California can wait!

254
00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:02,138
Elton, you have to play this wedding.

255
00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:04,781
We want one of those Stranger
Things kids to be the ring-bearer.

256
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:05,850
They're still little?

257
00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:08,603
You're gonna do a duet with a
hologram of Nat King Cole.

258
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:11,356
Or, if that's cost-prohibitive,
Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes.

259
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:13,239
Puberty? Can we give
them something for that?

260
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,026
- Great.
- Fabulous.

261
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:16,361
We are killing this.

262
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:19,364
We are doing to this wedding
what Rob Durst did to that lady

263
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:22,158
and what Fred Durst did to his career.

264
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,827
I have terrible news. It's Meryl Streep.

265
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:27,413
Did Meryl Streep die?

266
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:28,998
No, she's retiring.

267
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,166
Mr. McGregor!

268
00:12:30,264 --> 00:12:31,928
You cannot just walk
into a room and say,

269
00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:33,917
"I have terrible news
about Meryl Streep."

270
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:36,172
Her retirement party is
scheduled for this Saturday.

271
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,840
All of Hollywoo will be attending.

272
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,634
This Saturday? No, no, no!

273
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:42,345
How is #TortneyChortnoy
supposed to compete with that?

274
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,429
We're toast.

275
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:47,475
Unless, uh, we could somehow get
Meryl to postpone her party?

276
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:51,396
Hmm... what if we put together
a project so enticing

277
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,064
she couldn't help but climb aboard?

278
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:56,609
- One more gig...
- Means no more retirement.

279
00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:59,612
But what could we possibly offer
her that she hasn't already done?

280
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:03,992
- Ah. What does every actor want to do?
- Direct.

281
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:05,284
- Direct!
- Yeah.

282
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:08,204
But the dream of any director
is to work with Meryl Streep.

283
00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:11,499
You think Meryl wants to direct a bunch
of actors who aren't Meryl Streep?

284
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,876
- Hah! What a nightmare!
- Okay, all right. Okay, fine.

285
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,336
But, okay, okay, and this...

286
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:19,340
What if all the actors in the
movie were Meryl Streep?

287
00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:22,135
- What? No!
- Are you suggesting some sort of.

288
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:24,429
The Klumps type situation

289
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,180
where Meryl Streep plays every role?

290
00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,559
Bingo-bongo, weirdo-beardo.
All the greats have done it.

291
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,812
Peter Sellers, Sir Alec Guinness,
Flo from the Progressive ads.

292
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:34,605
Let's take this to the Streep.

293
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:40,028
Hey, look. Maybe this is a baby?

294
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:41,529
Mmm.

295
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:43,114
- Welcome...
- Hey, hey!

296
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,451
to the nightmare, non-sexy version of
Three's Company that my life has become.

297
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:49,996
Oh, good. Instead of getting the
doll back, like you said you would,

298
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,749
you disappeared for a few
hours and found a friend.

299
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,542
For your information,
we are on the case.

300
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:56,669
Just need a whiff of your
mom to track the scent.

301
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,714
Uh, excuse me, young lady,
I'm looking for a Beatrice,

302
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:03,092
but you're way too young and
attractive to be that mean old crone.

303
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,677
- What?
- What are you doing?

304
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:08,556
Okay, I'm picking up on
some fruity overtones.

305
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:12,435
Oak, desert sage... No,
I'm just kidding around.

306
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:13,686
It's smelling humor.

307
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:16,272
Is this the best time to be
workshopping your tight five?

308
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,900
Okay, got it. Ooh, this way?

309
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:21,110
No! No, no. That way!

310
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,240
Out the door! Come on! Here we go!

311
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:36,542
Look at him. Not a care in the world.
How does he do it?

312
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:39,003
This is the place.

313
00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,883
- Oh, hi, I'm...
- BoJack Horseman.

314
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:46,010
- Felicity Huffman?
- Looking for this?

315
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,970
- Yes!
- Well, keep looking, buddy!

316
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:50,640
You're a real piece of
shit, you know that?

317
00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:52,767
Yes.

318
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:00,441
So, instead of talking
through your issues,

319
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:03,152
your new thing is to just
get in really big fights

320
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,029
and then have hot angry sex?

321
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:08,032
- Yeah, but it kind of works.
- Does it?

322
00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:10,535
I'm sorry, I feel like
we always talk about me.

323
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:12,120
What's going on with you, Roxie?

324
00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:15,289
- I'm actually glad you asked, I...
- Okay.

325
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,718
Hey, Diane, can I get
your advice on something?

326
00:15:17,782 --> 00:15:19,382
Yeah, of course. I'm not doing anything.

327
00:15:19,406 --> 00:15:22,547
- Um...
- So, I have this friend,

328
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:26,801
and his name is Darnarius McQuimberton.

329
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,970
Oh, yeah, I think I read
an article about him

330
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,514
in Real, Not Made-Up, Person Magazine.

331
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:34,767
Darnarius is supposed to
get married this weekend.

332
00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:38,980
And it's going to be an amazing wedding,
but it's kind of based on a lie.

333
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,481
Should he go through with it?

334
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:43,943
Well, all weddings are lies, right?
Sort of.

335
00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:45,862
You're making this big declaration

336
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,406
about how you're gonna stay
with this person forever,

337
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:49,949
but you don't actually know that.

338
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:52,702
You're just saying it. The
whole thing is a farce.

339
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:56,664
- Yeah, that's true.
- But it's a lie based on truth.

340
00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,416
Like, at the center of the farce

341
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:01,085
there's this nugget of
something real and pure.

342
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:04,005
And that strange beautiful something

343
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,424
is why you put up with
everything else, right?

344
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:07,508
I guess so.

345
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:11,554
And sometimes it's hard to
remember that pure, shining thing

346
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:14,599
because it's been painted
over with so many arguments

347
00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:17,143
and compromises and disappointments.

348
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:20,271
But you have to believe it's
still down there somewhere,

349
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:21,939
even if you can't see it.

350
00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:26,235
And maybe even the belief in it is
more important than the thing itself,

351
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,946
but only as long as
you still believe it.

352
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:32,241
- Does that make sense?
- Yeah. Thanks, Diane.

353
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:36,412
You've given me and
Darquimbertus McNarington

354
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,080
a lot to think about.

355
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:44,545
That was good advice. I'm,
like, a really good friend.

356
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,842
- What?
- Okay.

357
00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:53,387
So that doll actually belongs to my mom.
She's very sick, very frail.

358
00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:55,598
And I know you're really
mad at me because...

359
00:16:55,645 --> 00:16:58,285
Think, shit-for-brains, think. Why
is Felicity Huffman mad at you?

360
00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,645
You cut her off in traffic,
got her fired off a project,

361
00:17:00,709 --> 00:17:03,749
talked shit about her at an AIDS benefit
and didn't realize your mic was on.

362
00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:07,777
I have been living directly under
your house for the last 15 years.

363
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:11,572
Do you have any idea how much shit you
throw over the side of your deck?

364
00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:15,535
Beer bottles, lit cigarettes,
scripts where the lead is female.

365
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:18,371
One time, a mountain of
regurgitated cotton candy

366
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:22,750
sat on that hill for a month
before sliding into my hot tub.

367
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:24,293
Who you think has to deal with that?

368
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:27,338
I assume your maid or
gardener or something?

369
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:30,591
Well, yeah. But it's
still super-obnoxious.

370
00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,260
You're not getting that doll back.

371
00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:33,427
Citizens, citizens.

372
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:35,471
As the future governor of California,

373
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:39,058
I pride myself on probably being
able to reach compromises

374
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:40,977
across the ideological spectrum.

375
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,521
- Oh! What if we cut the baby in half?
- What?

376
00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:44,730
- Why would we do that?
- No.

377
00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:46,524
So you both agree that's a bad idea.

378
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,943
Perhaps you're not so
different after all?

379
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:51,320
- Peanutbutter.
- How is that...?

380
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:54,949
Felicity Huffman, you are a beloved
star of film and television.

381
00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:59,120
BoJack, you have also appeared
in film and television.

382
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,330
What's that like? Discuss.

383
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:04,292
I'm sorry for my acquaintance.
I'm actually a big fan.

384
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:06,335
I hope she has no follow-up questions.

385
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,546
Really? So you've probably
seen my new show,

386
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:10,441
- F.H.B.A. Los Angeles.
- What?

387
00:18:10,466 --> 00:18:11,518
Yup, love it.

388
00:18:11,543 --> 00:18:13,533
How'd you like to do an arc for sweeps?

389
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,053
Ugh, TV? No. I just got
out of that sinkhole.

390
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:18,889
He'll do it, if you
give us our doll back.

391
00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,225
Hup... ho... hup!

392
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:22,829
What's your status?

393
00:18:22,853 --> 00:18:24,395
I have breached Compound Streep.

394
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,440
If I don't make it out of this alive,
just know I have already seen heaven

395
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,108
and it is Meryl's rose garden.

396
00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:31,152
- And the offer?
- I put it under a big box

397
00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:32,445
that's propped up by a stick.

398
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:34,363
If she goes to look and
the box falls on her,

399
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,490
she's contractually
obligated to do the movie.

400
00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:38,701
Yeah, I know what
"packaging talent" means.

401
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,144
Okay, she's walking up to the box.

402
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:43,289
She's sniffing around, and...

403
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:46,334
We got Meryl!

404
00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:48,294
All right! Yes!

405
00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:51,345
What if I throw myself off my deck

406
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:52,798
into Felicity Huffman's backyard.

407
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,259
If she found my dead
body, that'd show her.

408
00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:56,510
Why are we at a bar?

409
00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:58,512
We're just celebrating
getting Doll back.

410
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:01,724
You don't want to bring the
doll back to your mom?

411
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,407
I will. We're just having a drink first.

412
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,019
- Relax.
- Okay.

413
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,812
He knows you're terrible.

414
00:19:06,861 --> 00:19:09,541
He's the biggest idiot in the world,
even he knows you're terrible.

415
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:12,276
So when did you get a daughter?
She's new, right?

416
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,655
- Or was she always part of the gang?
- I met her about a month ago.

417
00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:18,115
- Whoa!
- Yeah. And it was great, at first.

418
00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:19,909
But now I can feel her getting attached,

419
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,744
and I just know I'm
gonna BoJack things up.

420
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,079
"BoJack things up?"

421
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,873
You mean, show up somewhere
and be the life of the party?

422
00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:28,316
Then share a laugh with your
good friend, Mr. Peanutbutter?

423
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:31,003
No, obviously I meant screw
everything up until she hates me.

424
00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:32,463
I don't think I can take that.

425
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:35,716
Maybe this time, don't do the
thing that makes her hate you.

426
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,052
I don't want to, but every
time she looks at me

427
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:39,679
with those big innocent eyes,

428
00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:42,122
all I can think about is every
shitty thing I've ever done,

429
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,350
and I think, "I don't
deserve that kind of love."

430
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:47,353
Look, BoJack, I don't know a lot
about balancing a state budget

431
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,355
- or how a bill becomes a law.
- Uh...

432
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:51,399
I don't know a lot
about a lot of things.

433
00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:55,194
Everybody deserves to be loved.

434
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:03,035
So we put together an all-star wedding
and a Meryl Streep movie in one day!

435
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,663
- You got to admit, we're a good team.
- Rutabaga...

436
00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:08,833
I know it wasn't always smooth sailing
for the Good Ship You and Me,

437
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:11,168
but now you've got a boyfriend
and I've got a family,

438
00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:14,505
and since we have to work together
again, we're a good team.

439
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:16,340
Tell me you didn't miss this.

440
00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:18,926
- Todd is on line two.
- Aaah! Do you go through the walls?

441
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:21,637
Todd! Have you finished
your groomsmen list?

442
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,889
We gotta figure out how
many parachutes we need.

443
00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:27,101
Uh, guys, I... I can't marry Courtney.

444
00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:28,561
- What?
- No!

445
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:32,648
I've been doing some thinking, and
marriage is like a Tootsie Pop.

446
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,984
The lollipop part is a lie,

447
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,820
but at the center of the
lie there's a truth.

448
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:41,031
That's the Tootsie Roll, and
that's why people get married.

449
00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:45,286
But if I married Courtney it would
be a lie without any truth in it,

450
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:48,914
like a Tootsie Pop with
just the lollipop part

451
00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:50,791
and nothing in the middle.

452
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:54,336
So, a lollipop? That's
still pretty good.

453
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:55,880
I guess it's a bad analogy.

454
00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,590
But I don't want a fake marriage.

455
00:20:57,673 --> 00:21:00,009
I'm sorry I didn't realize that before.

456
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:03,262
Okay, Todd. You gotta do
what's right for you.

457
00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:05,598
Thanks, Princess Carolyn. Whoa...

458
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:11,103
All right, blue sky time. Wedding's off.
Can we spin this somehow?

459
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:13,189
Courtney got jilted,
play the sympathy card?

460
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,065
I guess we could put out a statement.

461
00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:16,192
That's your solution?

462
00:21:16,239 --> 00:21:18,879
What happened to the guy from this
morning with all the big ideas?

463
00:21:18,903 --> 00:21:21,864
Oh, that guy dies at six.
This guy's gotta get home.

464
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,992
I got seven kids and a wife who's
really into me co-parenting,

465
00:21:25,075 --> 00:21:26,869
or, as she calls it, "parenting."

466
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:30,206
Well, can't you tuck the kids into
bed, read them some script coverage

467
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:32,792
of the film adaptation of Good
Night Moon and then come back?

468
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:35,711
- This is important.
- Well, my kids are important.

469
00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:37,588
Fine, both things are equally important.

470
00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:39,840
Oh, my God, thank God
you're not a mother.

471
00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:42,218
You would be hilarious at it.

472
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:45,387
Hey, today was fun. I'll
call you in the morning.

473
00:21:45,471 --> 00:21:47,306
We'll figure this out.
We'll deal with it.

474
00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:52,937
If you'd like to never see him again,
I have ways of getting rid of him.

475
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,563
What kind of ways?

476
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:57,983
Asking him politely to not come back.
Actually, that's only one way.

477
00:21:58,055 --> 00:22:00,295
I apologize for misleading you
about the number of ways.

478
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:02,112
He's a jerk, right? It's not just me?

479
00:22:02,196 --> 00:22:03,781
I worked with guys like him at F.M.E.

480
00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:06,534
When I left, I swore I would never
work at a big agency again,

481
00:22:06,617 --> 00:22:08,994
because I can't work
with people like that.

482
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,278
You don't think I'm like that?

483
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,832
No, because you care about
people other than yourself.

484
00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:15,709
And for what it's worth, you
will be a wonderful mother.

485
00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:18,420
- You're not just saying that?
- I never just say anything.

486
00:22:18,504 --> 00:22:19,713
I choose words very carefully,

487
00:22:19,797 --> 00:22:21,966
with an eye towards
precision and expediency.

488
00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:23,717
I'm surprised you haven't noticed that.

489
00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:26,011
- Good night, Judah.
- Mm-hmm.

490
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:45,406
Okay.

491
00:22:45,489 --> 00:22:48,784
- It's about time, Henrietta.
- You're welcome.

492
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,127
Go talk to her, idiot.

493
00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:00,921
Drink first. No, you stupid alcoholic.

494
00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:03,591
Talk to your daughter. You're
ruining her. You know that, right?

495
00:23:03,674 --> 00:23:05,514
No matter what, your
poison is already in her.

496
00:23:05,551 --> 00:23:07,344
There's nothing you can do.
That's not true.

497
00:23:07,428 --> 00:23:08,948
Yeah, it is, you stupid piece of shit.

498
00:23:09,013 --> 00:23:12,766
You're a real stupid piece of shit, and
everywhere you go you destroy people.

499
00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:14,393
Your mother never loved you.

500
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:16,796
That's why Sarah Lynn died,
Charlotte'll never forgive you.

501
00:23:16,820 --> 00:23:19,540
What you gonna do to Hollyhock? What
you gonna do, asshole? Shut up!

502
00:23:28,365 --> 00:23:30,409
Got Doll back. No big deal.

503
00:23:30,492 --> 00:23:33,829
Where do you go, when
you disappear all day?

504
00:23:35,831 --> 00:23:38,334
Just drive around.
Sometimes I go to a bar.

505
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,461
Sometimes I pull over by
the side of the road,

506
00:23:40,544 --> 00:23:42,504
just sit there for hours.

507
00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:43,589
Why?

508
00:23:45,633 --> 00:23:47,593
And you'd rather do that

509
00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:49,678
- than spend time with me?
- Hollyhock...

510
00:23:49,762 --> 00:23:52,264
I know you didn't ask for
this dorky 17-year-old

511
00:23:52,348 --> 00:23:53,682
to just show up at your door.

512
00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:55,766
And I'm sorry if I'm annoying,
but I didn't ask...

513
00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:58,187
- No, Hollyhock, I'm glad you're here.
- Oh.

514
00:23:58,270 --> 00:24:00,773
If I'm shitty, that's
just because I'm shitty.

515
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:03,776
You're allowed to be mad at me, but
you need to know that whatever I do,

516
00:24:03,859 --> 00:24:05,277
it's not your fault.

517
00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:12,284
I know. I mean, I know, but I
don't always know, you know?

518
00:24:12,352 --> 00:24:15,472
Like, sometimes I have this tiny voice
in the back of my head that goes, like,

519
00:24:15,496 --> 00:24:18,916
"Hey, everyone hates you! And they're
not wrong to feel that way!"

520
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:21,043
I know what you mean.

521
00:24:21,126 --> 00:24:25,547
That voice, the one that tells you
you're worthless and stupid and ugly?

522
00:24:25,631 --> 00:24:28,342
- Yeah?
- It goes away, right?

523
00:24:28,425 --> 00:24:32,054
It's just, like, a dumb teenage-girl
thing, but then it goes away?

524
00:24:33,389 --> 00:24:34,390
Yeah.

525
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,100
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com.

526
00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:26,859
Boxer vs. Raptor,