1
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sync & correction by f1nc0
- Addic7ed.com ~

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I think, the most important thing here

3
00:00:10,884 --> 00:00:14,179
is that we're honest with each other
and ourselves. Do you agree?

4
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Uh, yes?

5
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It says, here, you failed
your last six health inspections.

6
00:00:18,350 --> 00:00:19,850
- Ooh.
- How are you still in business?

7
00:00:19,851 --> 00:00:23,105
I wanna say moxie?
But possibly spunk.

8
00:00:23,188 --> 00:00:26,275
I can't believe
I fell asleep at your house.

9
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- These shoots are messing up my rhythm.
- It's so weird waking up at 6:00 p.m.

10
00:00:29,903 --> 00:00:32,906
Don't worry. I'm not gonna make a habit
of spending the night or day.

11
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I get it. We work together,
we make sex together,

12
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we don't talk about feelings,

13
00:00:36,285 --> 00:00:39,162
and yet sometimes
a begrudging respect can blossom into...

14
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- Nope.
- "Blossoms into nothing"

15
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is what I was gonna say.

16
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You cut me off, so you look stupid.

17
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Well, you look stupid when you sleep.
Look, I took some dumb pictures.

18
00:00:47,754 --> 00:00:49,464
- All right.
- Stupid. Real stupid.

19
00:00:49,548 --> 00:00:51,550
- You can delete some.
- You have a weird eye.

20
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- Obsessed much?
- This is what it would look like

21
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if corpses could drool.

22
00:00:55,095 --> 00:00:57,598
- Hi, excuse me, can I get The BoJack?
- What is that?

23
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It's an off-the-menu item
for those in the know.

24
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Obviously, I'm BoJack
and I always order the BoJack sandwich.

25
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That's kooky.

26
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Why would your name be a sandwich name?

27
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Because I own this restaurant
and I'm a celebrity.

28
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So, are all sandwiches named
after celebrities?

29
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Is chicken salad a celebrity?

30
00:01:14,781 --> 00:01:17,075
No, that's just a thing
they put in the sandwich.

31
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That's not someone's name.

32
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Can't it be both? My name is Pickles.

33
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- What?
- I'll have a burger.

34
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BoJack, I'm going to the can.
Have fun with the waitress.

35
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- Um.
- It's me, Pickles, from before.

36
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- It's cool dating a celebrity.
- Okay.

37
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I'm also dating a celebrity.
Should we start a club?

38
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- I call vice president.
- I'm not dating anyone.

39
00:01:38,347 --> 00:01:40,349
And if I had to guess,
I'd say neither are you.

40
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Guys in this town, especially celebrities,
are not exactly the settle-down type.

41
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That's why I hit the jackpot with my guy.
He doesn't have a problem committing.

42
00:01:47,522 --> 00:01:50,692
In fact,
he just got out of his third marriage.

43
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A celebrity who just got divorced.
Yeah. No way he'll break your heart.

44
00:01:54,946 --> 00:01:57,908
Do you think Mr. Peanutbutter and I
are moving too fast?

45
00:01:57,991 --> 00:01:59,785
I don't know you or your relationship,

46
00:01:59,868 --> 00:02:01,578
but I have been around the block
a few times.

47
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I was even on an ABC procedural,
called The Block, which aired a few times.

48
00:02:04,873 --> 00:02:09,586
The key is to have zero expectations,
and then you'll never be disappointed.

49
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Hmm.

50
00:02:10,837 --> 00:02:12,505
Yeah, zero expectations,

51
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which also seems to be the mantra
of this restaurant.

52
00:02:15,592 --> 00:02:16,884
Thank you.

53
00:03:07,432 --> 00:03:10,451
5x03 - Planned Obsolescence

54
00:03:13,233 --> 00:03:14,358
She looks dead.

55
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But I'm not a doctor, I'm a sassy cop.

56
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Poor girl had dreams.

57
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And there's nothing more precious
than dreams.

58
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Philbert takes a drag of his cigarette,
then kneels down to inspect the corpse.

59
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Cut!

60
00:03:25,537 --> 00:03:27,998
BoJack,
you said the stage directions again.

61
00:03:28,081 --> 00:03:31,084
Sorry. My brain is kinda muddled.
It's these night shoots.

62
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I think it works.

63
00:03:32,252 --> 00:03:36,089
John Philbert doesn't play by the rules.
He says his stage directions out loud.

64
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It's confusing, which means
the show is daring and smart.

65
00:03:39,217 --> 00:03:41,344
- Hey, wanna go check out craft services?
- Mm-mm.

66
00:03:41,428 --> 00:03:43,555
How could whatever you're listening to
be more fun

67
00:03:43,638 --> 00:03:45,682
than hearing me rant
about the fruit spread?

68
00:03:45,766 --> 00:03:47,466
Is your rant honeydew related?

69
00:03:47,476 --> 00:03:48,893
It's in the honeydew area,

70
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but the specifics are
what keep it fresh each time.

71
00:03:51,313 --> 00:03:52,438
Uh-huh.

72
00:03:57,402 --> 00:03:58,694
- Are you ready to go?
- Yeah.

73
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Sorry, I didn't realize how late it got.

74
00:04:00,655 --> 00:04:02,198
If only there was an easy way

75
00:04:02,199 --> 00:04:04,659
to keep track
of what time it is right now.

76
00:04:04,743 --> 00:04:06,443
- I'll go change.
- No, keep your suit on.

77
00:04:06,495 --> 00:04:08,914
My parents are gonna be impressed
I'm dating an executive.

78
00:04:08,997 --> 00:04:11,500
Cool!
I've never impressed parents before.

79
00:04:11,583 --> 00:04:12,833
I believe that.

80
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Listen, I haven't told my family
I'm asexual,

81
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so it might be best if, for tonight,
we just pretend we're sexually active.

82
00:04:20,050 --> 00:04:21,843
I mean, it's a family dinner.

83
00:04:21,927 --> 00:04:25,263
What are the odds they're going to ask
questions about our sexuality, right?

84
00:04:25,347 --> 00:04:26,263
Right...

85
00:04:28,141 --> 00:04:29,809
Right.

86
00:04:29,810 --> 00:04:31,510
Yeah...

87
00:04:33,814 --> 00:04:35,514
Yeah.

88
00:04:37,192 --> 00:04:39,486
- Hmm.
- Aha! Whoa. Slow down.

89
00:04:39,569 --> 00:04:41,530
- Stop. We're here.
- Mr. Peanutbutter?

90
00:04:41,613 --> 00:04:45,033
Am I Steve Carell taking a dramatic role
in Little Miss Sunshine,

91
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and you are the American public
that only knows him for his comedic work?

92
00:04:48,453 --> 00:04:50,153
Because... surprise!

93
00:04:50,163 --> 00:04:54,000
Oh, my God. Are you the umlaut
in Chloë Sevigny's name, right now?

94
00:04:54,084 --> 00:04:57,003
Because I don't know why you're here,
but I'm glad you are.

95
00:04:57,087 --> 00:05:00,131
As Courteney Cox said when she discovered
a rotting corpse in the woods

96
00:05:00,215 --> 00:05:03,301
near the Cougar Town set,
"Good God, I hope you're not busy."

97
00:05:03,385 --> 00:05:04,510
- What?
- This is a thinker.

98
00:05:04,511 --> 00:05:05,761
- You'll get it later.
- Okay.

99
00:05:05,762 --> 00:05:07,931
I have a very fun plan for tonight.

100
00:05:08,014 --> 00:05:11,518
I just heard that they're going to blow up
the International Space Station.

101
00:05:11,601 --> 00:05:15,021
- Oh, my God. Blow it up? Why?
- No one knows why space people do things.

102
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But I thought we could road trip
out to the desert

103
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and witness the explosion
in all her glory.

104
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That sounds amazing!

105
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I'm so glad you're as excited as I am,
and not mad at me

106
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for trying to surprise you
with something nice.

107
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Yeah! But... are we moving too fast?

108
00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:34,040
A wise lady, in the bathroom,
told me some stuff.

109
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- Ooh, she sounds smart. Better listen.
- I think her name was Hamburger.

110
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Maybe we should wait, some days,
before going on another date.

111
00:05:39,921 --> 00:05:43,258
Okay. If that's how you feel,
you stay here and do nothing,

112
00:05:43,341 --> 00:05:44,884
and I'll go have this amazing,

113
00:05:44,885 --> 00:05:46,803
once-in-a-lifetime
experience all by myself.

114
00:05:46,887 --> 00:05:50,098
It does sound cool.
I could also drive to the desert.

115
00:05:50,181 --> 00:05:52,142
If we're both going,
we might as well carpool.

116
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That's smart! But just to be clear,
we're slowing things down.

117
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It's not a date.

118
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Exactly.

119
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Is this that mysterious,
brown hors d'oeuvre

120
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I ate at Mark McGrath's pool party,
last week?

121
00:06:02,110 --> 00:06:04,362
Because... oh, boy. Not a date.

122
00:06:07,073 --> 00:06:08,783
and finally, Carnegie.

123
00:06:08,867 --> 00:06:11,870
Thus, concludes the two-item list
of acceptable melons.

124
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Always with the earbuds.

125
00:06:14,414 --> 00:06:15,623
What are you listening to?

126
00:06:15,624 --> 00:06:17,082
Hey! No... Ugh!

127
00:06:17,083 --> 00:06:18,877
What is this?

128
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,962
- This is so corny.
- It's not corny.

129
00:06:21,046 --> 00:06:22,923
I mean,
it's technically a musical about corn,

130
00:06:23,006 --> 00:06:24,465
but it's actually sophisticated.

131
00:06:24,466 --> 00:06:27,928
Wait a second.
Are you... into musicals?

132
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I sense you'll make this a thing.

133
00:06:29,429 --> 00:06:33,224
Well, well, well, the stone-hearted cynic,
who thinks feelings are for suckers,

134
00:06:33,308 --> 00:06:35,393
has a secret soft spot for sappy musicals.

135
00:06:35,477 --> 00:06:36,894
- Okay.
- When you say, "Okay,"

136
00:06:36,895 --> 00:06:40,315
do you mean okay like "correct,"
or okay like "OK-lahoma"?

137
00:06:42,025 --> 00:06:46,029
Step-ball-change, step-ball-change,
shuffle off to Buffalo, and big finish.

138
00:06:46,112 --> 00:06:47,321
- BoJack, watch out!
- Whoa!

139
00:06:47,322 --> 00:06:49,407
- Ah... oh, God.
- Ouch! God damn it!

140
00:06:49,491 --> 00:06:53,119
Once again, my life has been worsened
by a brush with musical theater.

141
00:07:03,004 --> 00:07:05,590
Driver, can you put on
something less romantic?

142
00:07:05,674 --> 00:07:08,718
I have a podcast
about the space station explosion.

143
00:07:08,802 --> 00:07:12,055
Oh, good idea!
Nothing is less romantic than learning.

144
00:07:12,138 --> 00:07:14,140
From Girlcroosh,
I'm Diane Nguyen

145
00:07:14,224 --> 00:07:15,724
and this is the Crooshcast.

146
00:07:15,725 --> 00:07:20,355
Oh. My ex-wife has a podcast.
This is probably weird for you.

147
00:07:20,438 --> 00:07:24,734
No, it would only be weird
if we were on a date, but we're not, so...

148
00:07:24,818 --> 00:07:27,404
I'm here with Laika,
the first woman in space.

149
00:07:27,487 --> 00:07:29,572
Laika, why are we blowing up
the space station?

150
00:07:29,656 --> 00:07:33,827
On International Space Station,
everything ten years old.

151
00:07:33,910 --> 00:07:36,871
All phone chargers is for original iPhone.

152
00:07:36,955 --> 00:07:39,165
Hotcha! I make jokes.

153
00:07:39,249 --> 00:07:42,002
But is always designed to go exploded.

154
00:07:42,085 --> 00:07:44,379
Is called "planned obsolescence."

155
00:07:44,462 --> 00:07:46,162
Planned obsolescence.

156
00:07:46,172 --> 00:07:48,174
Sounds like a good description
of my last marriage.

157
00:07:48,258 --> 00:07:50,885
- Well, that's probably enough of this.
- No. Leave it on.

158
00:07:50,969 --> 00:07:54,222
Now he's dating a girl
about 20 years younger than him.

159
00:07:54,305 --> 00:07:56,558
Honestly, she's the one I feel bad for.

160
00:07:56,641 --> 00:07:59,853
- Why does she feel bad for me?
- We should put on something else!

161
00:07:59,936 --> 00:08:01,061
You got it.

162
00:08:01,062 --> 00:08:04,691
Coming up, we got a brand-new single
from Twenty-One Pilots.

163
00:08:04,774 --> 00:08:06,526
Ew, back to the podcast.

164
00:08:09,362 --> 00:08:13,366
- Todd is the president of ad sales.
- Mm, look at you.

165
00:08:13,450 --> 00:08:16,119
- And he went to a really good college.
- I did?

166
00:08:16,202 --> 00:08:17,202
That's very impressive.

167
00:08:17,203 --> 00:08:19,998
I'm afraid we don't know a lot
about the world of big business.

168
00:08:20,081 --> 00:08:21,582
As I'm sure Yolanda has told you,

169
00:08:21,583 --> 00:08:24,127
I'm but a humble,
best-selling, erotic novelist

170
00:08:24,210 --> 00:08:26,588
and my wife is a world-famous,
adult, film star,

171
00:08:26,671 --> 00:08:30,842
and Yolanda's identical twin sister,
Mindy, is a sex advice columnist.

172
00:08:30,925 --> 00:08:33,303
Wow! Yolanda told me all of that.

173
00:08:33,386 --> 00:08:38,016
That's all really great information,
that I was already privy to.

174
00:08:38,099 --> 00:08:40,602
Well, the important thing is
that Yolanda is happy

175
00:08:40,810 --> 00:08:45,273
and she's finally found a man, woman,
or object to have sex with.

176
00:08:45,356 --> 00:08:48,234
Todd is very accomplished
at sexual intercourse. Aren't you, Todd?

177
00:08:48,318 --> 00:08:51,696
Yeah, I'm the best at the sex.
Hooba, hooba.

178
00:08:51,863 --> 00:08:53,030
Um...

179
00:08:53,031 --> 00:08:55,700
- Are you trying to say "hubba, hubba"?
- Uh...

180
00:08:55,825 --> 00:08:59,162
You know, Todd, I have a bit
of a reputation, myself.

181
00:08:59,245 --> 00:09:01,581
- Whoa!
- Okay, we should be hitting the road.

182
00:09:01,664 --> 00:09:03,833
Oh, but you must stay for erotic dessert.

183
00:09:03,958 --> 00:09:07,337
You know, I saw the erotic dessert
in the kitchen.

184
00:09:07,420 --> 00:09:10,799
Who knew you could make
such a realistic anus out of marzipan?

185
00:09:10,882 --> 00:09:13,093
You can thank my husband.
He posed for the baker.

186
00:09:13,218 --> 00:09:17,597
Wow, you know,
it really puts the "um" in "yum."

187
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:20,433
I insist you spend the night
and make love in my home.

188
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,300
- Uh...
- I can't think of a reason,

189
00:09:22,435 --> 00:09:25,146
you wouldn't want to have sex
in your parents' house.

190
00:09:25,230 --> 00:09:27,273
Unless, you don't enjoy sex.

191
00:09:29,234 --> 00:09:33,404
No! Of course we'll spend the night,
and... fornicate.

192
00:09:36,032 --> 00:09:39,119
Hey, I got a suggestion for that scene
where you make your big confession.

193
00:09:39,202 --> 00:09:41,621
- Oh, yeah?
- I was thinking you could maybe confess...

194
00:09:43,540 --> 00:09:44,456
Whoa, hey!

195
00:09:44,457 --> 00:09:47,669
- BoJack, shut up and get in here.
- Okay, look at that! Found an emotion.

196
00:09:47,752 --> 00:09:49,462
I'm gonna tell you
something very personal.

197
00:09:49,587 --> 00:09:53,091
When I was a little girl, my mom took me
to see A Kernel of Truth on Broadway.

198
00:09:53,174 --> 00:09:54,091
It wasn't a big hit.

199
00:09:54,092 --> 00:09:57,011
Yeah, I know. I Googled the reviews
so I could mock you.

200
00:09:57,095 --> 00:09:59,556
That Frank Rich could be
a real frank bitch, am I right?

201
00:09:59,639 --> 00:10:01,683
Well, I was six and it blew my mind.

202
00:10:01,766 --> 00:10:04,602
I spent my childhood dreaming of, one day,
getting to sing on Broadway.

203
00:10:04,686 --> 00:10:06,437
But, I guess, I wasn't good enough.

204
00:10:06,813 --> 00:10:10,275
So now I get steady TV work,
which is fine, and I'm fine,

205
00:10:10,358 --> 00:10:12,235
but I still listen to that musical

206
00:10:12,318 --> 00:10:14,821
because it reminds me of a time
when I was less jaded,

207
00:10:14,946 --> 00:10:18,616
when I believed I could do anything,
and that makes me feel good.

208
00:10:19,325 --> 00:10:20,450
Oh, my God, Gina.

209
00:10:20,451 --> 00:10:23,371
I-I didn't realize how much
this musical meant to you.

210
00:10:24,038 --> 00:10:27,208
- And that... that's even funnier!
- Oh!

211
00:10:27,292 --> 00:10:28,500
Oh, come on!

212
00:10:28,501 --> 00:10:31,504
You know if this were reversed,
you'd be giving me shit.

213
00:10:31,588 --> 00:10:32,754
Ugh!

214
00:10:32,755 --> 00:10:36,384
Hey, Gina, I'm sorry. I was just teasing.
I was... It was...

215
00:10:36,467 --> 00:10:38,511
Gina, come out of the bathroom.

216
00:10:39,387 --> 00:10:41,431
Gina? Oh, right.

217
00:10:45,059 --> 00:10:47,729
So, he make for you
room, that you always have dream of,

218
00:10:47,812 --> 00:10:50,023
and this is why you leave?
Seems like overreaction.

219
00:10:50,106 --> 00:10:51,565
Oh, thank you!

220
00:10:51,566 --> 00:10:53,651
Okay, we're gonna take a break.

221
00:10:53,735 --> 00:10:55,319
I'm getting kinda hungry.

222
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,864
We could stop at a restaurant,
but that's kind of a date thing.

223
00:10:57,947 --> 00:11:01,201
Well, fast food doesn't count, right?

224
00:11:01,284 --> 00:11:03,411
- Look, there's a KFC at the next exit.
- Perfect.

225
00:11:05,121 --> 00:11:08,625
Welcome to KFC,
which stands for Kiki's French Cuisine.

226
00:11:08,708 --> 00:11:10,167
Hon hon hon!

227
00:11:10,168 --> 00:11:11,868
Oh.

228
00:11:14,839 --> 00:11:18,426
I'm not sure I want to wear the pajamas
your dad gave me.

229
00:11:18,509 --> 00:11:20,345
I'm sorry you have to deal with all this.

230
00:11:20,428 --> 00:11:23,890
Is it just me
or was your sister flirting with me?

231
00:11:23,973 --> 00:11:25,934
Ugh, when we were in high school,

232
00:11:26,017 --> 00:11:28,144
I was still trying to figure out
my sexuality,

233
00:11:28,228 --> 00:11:31,773
so, I dressed as Mindy,
and tried to seduce her boyfriend.

234
00:11:31,981 --> 00:11:34,275
- Hmm.
- I quickly realized I wasn't into it,

235
00:11:34,359 --> 00:11:36,527
but Mindy found out,
and now that I have a boyfriend,

236
00:11:36,611 --> 00:11:40,281
she probably wants to have sex with you
to get revenge. Typical sister stuff.

237
00:11:40,365 --> 00:11:42,283
I thought sisters were doing it
for themselves.

238
00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:44,202
I mean, what does she need me for?

239
00:11:44,285 --> 00:11:45,285
Todd,

240
00:11:45,286 --> 00:11:48,248
can you help me move some furniture?
My husband has a hernia.

241
00:11:48,331 --> 00:11:50,416
Yeah, no, I noticed in the marzipan.

242
00:11:51,459 --> 00:11:53,753
So, what, uh,
furniture do you want me to...

243
00:11:53,836 --> 00:11:55,504
Oh, no! Your garment fell.

244
00:11:55,505 --> 00:11:57,382
This must be so embarrassing for you.

245
00:11:57,465 --> 00:11:59,759
Just as I suspected.
You're not sexual at all.

246
00:11:59,842 --> 00:12:01,134
Like, heck I'm not.

247
00:12:01,135 --> 00:12:03,513
Any ordinary man would be madly aroused

248
00:12:03,596 --> 00:12:07,183
by the body that starred in every single
porn version of a John Hughes movie:

249
00:12:07,267 --> 00:12:10,478
Sixteen Cans, Titty in Pink,
The Breakfast Chub, Homo Bone...

250
00:12:10,561 --> 00:12:12,814
- I gotta go.
- Cum Kind of Wonderful,

251
00:12:12,897 --> 00:12:16,067
Penis Bueller Gets Off, Planes,
Trains and Autoerotic-mobiles.

252
00:12:18,736 --> 00:12:20,320
When the cock crows midnight,

253
00:12:20,321 --> 00:12:23,116
meet me under the old willow tree
in the backyard for sex.

254
00:12:23,199 --> 00:12:25,285
Zoinks!

255
00:12:27,745 --> 00:12:28,870
Okay, quick update.

256
00:12:28,871 --> 00:12:31,582
Mindy wants to meet me
for backyard sex at midnight,

257
00:12:31,666 --> 00:12:33,208
and your mother knows I'm asexual.

258
00:12:33,209 --> 00:12:34,501
She showed me her boobs.

259
00:12:34,502 --> 00:12:36,421
Please tell me you said, "Ahh-ooga!"

260
00:12:36,504 --> 00:12:37,462
Oh, I didn't!

261
00:12:37,463 --> 00:12:41,134
Oh, no! She'll disown me!
We gotta convince her you're super horny.

262
00:12:41,217 --> 00:12:43,177
- How?
- If Mindy told my mom

263
00:12:43,261 --> 00:12:46,347
that you made a pass at her,
that would prove you're not asexual.

264
00:12:46,431 --> 00:12:49,183
Here's the plan.
We'll wait until the cock crows midnight.

265
00:12:49,267 --> 00:12:50,434
Who is this cock?

266
00:12:50,435 --> 00:12:51,560
When she's at the backyard,

267
00:12:51,561 --> 00:12:53,271
I'll sneak in her room
and wear her clothes.

268
00:12:53,354 --> 00:12:55,815
I'll pretend I'm Mindy
and tell my mother you made a pass at me.

269
00:12:55,898 --> 00:12:58,026
Okay, this sounds a little complicated,

270
00:12:58,109 --> 00:13:01,529
but I think I can handle
exactly this amount of complication

271
00:13:01,612 --> 00:13:05,158
as long as things don't become
one bit more complicated.

272
00:13:07,285 --> 00:13:10,788
Hey, I'm sorry I made fun of your dream.

273
00:13:10,872 --> 00:13:12,957
It's okay.
Just don't tell anyone about it.

274
00:13:13,124 --> 00:13:15,710
Good news; too late.
I talked to Flip and Princess Carolyn

275
00:13:15,793 --> 00:13:17,493
about how you're
into this Broadway crap...

276
00:13:17,545 --> 00:13:19,245
- What?
- ... and they said maybe you can sing

277
00:13:19,255 --> 00:13:20,965
in the nightclub episode.
Can you believe it?

278
00:13:21,049 --> 00:13:23,551
- Oh, my God.
- It's your big break, and I helped!

279
00:13:23,634 --> 00:13:25,260
I don't want help.
Why would you do that?

280
00:13:25,261 --> 00:13:27,096
I know you don't want me
doing nice things

281
00:13:27,180 --> 00:13:30,350
because I'm not your boyfriend,
and you're a sentient wall of spikes,

282
00:13:30,558 --> 00:13:33,144
but they want to hear you sing
at the next break.

283
00:13:33,227 --> 00:13:34,144
Here's a song!

284
00:13:35,396 --> 00:13:37,106
Gina, this is your dream,

285
00:13:37,190 --> 00:13:39,233
and there's nothing more precious
than dreams.

286
00:13:39,317 --> 00:13:40,776
It doesn't work that way.

287
00:13:40,777 --> 00:13:43,571
You're used to being the star,
so good things always happen to you.

288
00:13:43,654 --> 00:13:44,780
I'm not the star.

289
00:13:44,781 --> 00:13:47,116
I'm the third on the call sheet
for Murder Hospital,

290
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,900
or Who Called the Monkey Paramedics.

291
00:13:48,910 --> 00:13:50,745
And maybe if I'm lucky, when I'm 60,

292
00:13:50,828 --> 00:13:53,122
I can get ajuicy season arc
on the right cable show

293
00:13:53,206 --> 00:13:55,291
where everyone goes,
"Who's this 60-year-old woman?

294
00:13:55,375 --> 00:13:57,752
She came out of nowhere."
Then I win an Emmy in a movie

295
00:13:57,835 --> 00:13:59,378
where I play Benjamin Bratt's mother.

296
00:13:59,379 --> 00:14:02,507
Gina, I know, but what I'm saying is,
what if you are the star?

297
00:14:02,590 --> 00:14:04,300
- I'm not.
- But what if you are?

298
00:14:04,884 --> 00:14:07,595
If you don't try, you'll never know.
You'll spend the rest of your life

299
00:14:07,678 --> 00:14:09,806
wondering if you could have made it
or not.

300
00:14:09,889 --> 00:14:13,810
Is that what you want?
Always the Bratt's mom and never Da Brat?

301
00:14:16,646 --> 00:14:17,687
Okay.

302
00:14:17,688 --> 00:14:18,855
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

303
00:14:18,856 --> 00:14:21,567
- Just... so I don't have to wonder, right?
- Exactly.

304
00:14:21,651 --> 00:14:25,196
I'm gonna go get ready.
This is dumb, but thank you, BoJack.

305
00:14:36,124 --> 00:14:38,000
You know, this is actually really freeing.

306
00:14:38,084 --> 00:14:41,045
I feel like, I can say all the things
I would never say on a date.

307
00:14:41,129 --> 00:14:44,424
Like that I've never seen The Wire,
and I don't think I'm gonna.

308
00:14:44,507 --> 00:14:47,051
Well, I'd never tell a date
that I get the New York Times,

309
00:14:47,135 --> 00:14:49,429
but I only read the style section
and throw the rest away.

310
00:14:49,512 --> 00:14:51,096
I don't have or want children,

311
00:14:51,097 --> 00:14:54,225
but I silently judge every parent
that I see in public.

312
00:14:54,308 --> 00:14:56,269
I sleep with a chew toy,
since I was a kid.

313
00:14:56,352 --> 00:14:58,855
I still have feelings for Diannnne.

314
00:14:59,897 --> 00:15:02,733
Oh. That's much less fun
than the other things.

315
00:15:02,817 --> 00:15:04,517
Uh, listen...

316
00:15:04,527 --> 00:15:06,904
Let's just finish our meal
and go see the explosion.

317
00:15:17,373 --> 00:15:19,073
And I'm the cock.

318
00:15:20,251 --> 00:15:22,003
Here I come.

319
00:15:23,463 --> 00:15:25,163
Okay.

320
00:15:28,551 --> 00:15:30,261
Ah! Mrs. Buenaventura!

321
00:15:30,344 --> 00:15:32,513
I was trying to understand
how someone could be like you,

322
00:15:32,597 --> 00:15:33,889
so I did a little research.

323
00:15:33,890 --> 00:15:36,184
Did you know a computer can do more
than just find porn?

324
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:38,728
I use my laptop to flatten pie dough.

325
00:15:38,811 --> 00:15:41,647
This concept of asexuality intrigues me.

326
00:15:41,731 --> 00:15:44,859
I've grown tired of the whole world
thinking of me as a sex object.

327
00:15:44,942 --> 00:15:48,279
For once in my life I would like to have
a close, intimate experience

328
00:15:48,362 --> 00:15:50,323
that has nothing to do with sex.

329
00:15:51,407 --> 00:15:53,951
Asexualize me
like one of your French girls, Todd.

330
00:15:54,035 --> 00:15:54,951
Gulp!

331
00:16:03,753 --> 00:16:06,881
I can't believe he didn't show up.
Only makes me want him more.

332
00:16:07,632 --> 00:16:09,332
Hmm.

333
00:16:09,509 --> 00:16:11,209
Mom, are you there? It's me, Mindy.

334
00:16:11,260 --> 00:16:13,471
You can tell
because I'm dressed like a slut, as usual.

335
00:16:13,554 --> 00:16:18,017
Mindy, come down here.
I have a question only you can answer.

336
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:19,800
Oh, okay.

337
00:16:23,189 --> 00:16:25,316
If you really want to be asexual,

338
00:16:25,399 --> 00:16:28,444
first, you have to put on
every piece of clothing you own.

339
00:16:28,528 --> 00:16:31,280
That's how we make sure
we don't look sexy.

340
00:16:31,364 --> 00:16:34,367
So, leave me and go do that.

341
00:16:34,450 --> 00:16:37,537
Very well, but I'll be back
to not have sex with you.

342
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:40,748
Ooh, I'm getting less excited
just thinking about it.

343
00:16:40,831 --> 00:16:42,531
Hoo-hoo! Hooba, hooba.

344
00:16:43,543 --> 00:16:45,243
Ooh.

345
00:16:45,336 --> 00:16:48,464
- I need some advice, Mindy.
- That's me. I'm definitely Mindy.

346
00:16:48,548 --> 00:16:49,839
So you keep saying.

347
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:53,010
Look, I'd like to give
your sister Yolanda this.

348
00:16:53,094 --> 00:16:54,427
The last barrel

349
00:16:54,428 --> 00:16:58,182
of your great grandmother's secret recipe
personal lubricant.

350
00:16:58,266 --> 00:17:00,726
As you know, when a Buenaventura
is about to make love

351
00:17:00,810 --> 00:17:02,227
for the first time in our home,

352
00:17:02,228 --> 00:17:05,064
we always give them a barrel
of the family lube.

353
00:17:05,147 --> 00:17:06,273
Uh, well...

354
00:17:06,274 --> 00:17:09,360
Antique lube of this purity
is worth at least $100,000.

355
00:17:09,527 --> 00:17:10,860
Ah-ooga!

356
00:17:12,947 --> 00:17:15,741
Hello, baby, it's me,
your girlfriend Yolanda.

357
00:17:15,825 --> 00:17:17,409
I came to ravage you.

358
00:17:17,410 --> 00:17:21,455
There's something different about you,
but I can't put my finger on it.

359
00:17:21,539 --> 00:17:23,239
Todd, take off your pants
and get in bed.

360
00:17:23,291 --> 00:17:24,207
Wait. What?

361
00:17:24,208 --> 00:17:25,960
My dad is about to give us
very expensive lube

362
00:17:26,043 --> 00:17:27,502
just for having sex in this house.

363
00:17:27,503 --> 00:17:29,203
And which sister are you?

364
00:17:29,213 --> 00:17:31,048
What the hell are you doing in here?

365
00:17:31,132 --> 00:17:34,343
Todd, tell Mindy to get her ass
out of here, so we can get nasty.

366
00:17:34,427 --> 00:17:36,429
I'm Yolanda.
Get away from my boyfriend!

367
00:17:36,512 --> 00:17:37,637
Don't listen to her, Todd.

368
00:17:37,638 --> 00:17:40,182
I'm clearly Yolanda
because I'm dressed like a dumb loser.

369
00:17:40,266 --> 00:17:42,852
I'm so confused. I'm Todd, right?

370
00:17:42,935 --> 00:17:46,147
Maybe, this'll clear things up.
Mindy's the one who's about to die!

371
00:17:46,522 --> 00:17:48,983
Oh, dear, I'm too late.

372
00:17:49,066 --> 00:17:51,777
They're already having sex.
They don't need the lube.

373
00:17:51,861 --> 00:17:53,111
Ouch! That hurts!

374
00:17:53,112 --> 00:17:54,905
Or maybe they do need the lube.

375
00:17:54,989 --> 00:17:56,824
Ha! Can't see me now, world.

376
00:17:56,907 --> 00:18:00,036
Angelica, as I jizz and breathe,
what the hell are you wearing?

377
00:18:02,538 --> 00:18:04,238
- Oh, no! The lube!
- Oh, dear!

378
00:18:04,457 --> 00:18:06,500
Oh! That's too slippery!

379
00:18:06,584 --> 00:18:08,336
- Ho, oh, oh, oh!
- Oh, my God!

380
00:18:08,586 --> 00:18:10,504
- Ah! Oh!
- Oh!

381
00:18:10,713 --> 00:18:14,008
Oh, no! Our grandma's
sexily spinning in her grave.

382
00:18:14,091 --> 00:18:18,679
Todd, you gotta save the lube!
Just plug the hole with your erect penis!

383
00:18:18,763 --> 00:18:19,679
What? No.

384
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,600
It's the only thing
that'll fit the hole perfectly.

385
00:18:22,683 --> 00:18:24,351
There has to be another way.

386
00:18:24,352 --> 00:18:27,146
Surely it's erect since you've been
just having sex with my daughter,

387
00:18:27,229 --> 00:18:29,899
so unless you've been deceiving me,
this whole time, in my own home,

388
00:18:29,982 --> 00:18:33,194
there's no logical reason, for you,
not to whip out your erect penis

389
00:18:33,277 --> 00:18:35,237
and plug the damn hole!

390
00:18:35,321 --> 00:18:36,821
Todd, the lube!

391
00:18:36,822 --> 00:18:39,241
I'm gonna try my big toe.
That's the penis of the foot.

392
00:18:39,325 --> 00:18:40,742
Oh, God, be careful!

393
00:18:40,743 --> 00:18:42,870
- Whoa! Look out!
- No! Whoa!

394
00:18:44,413 --> 00:18:46,916
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- I can't look!

395
00:18:47,458 --> 00:18:49,158
No!

396
00:18:59,470 --> 00:19:01,305
Before I start, just to give some context

397
00:19:01,389 --> 00:19:03,089
because the song
doesn't make sense if...

398
00:19:03,099 --> 00:19:04,799
Okay, so, it's 1712,

399
00:19:04,809 --> 00:19:08,020
and American colonist Sybilla Masters
is perfecting her invention.

400
00:19:08,104 --> 00:19:10,690
Can we lose the liner notes
and get to the singing?

401
00:19:10,773 --> 00:19:13,943
I'm a producer. I can't just sit around
having conversations, all day.

402
00:19:14,026 --> 00:19:17,530
Oh, yeah, sorry. Of course.

403
00:19:44,014 --> 00:19:45,390
Aw, shucks!

404
00:20:12,084 --> 00:20:13,784
I'm sorry. I'm gonna go.

405
00:20:14,378 --> 00:20:17,965
Thank you. And I'm sorry. And...
I'm sorry.

406
00:20:19,842 --> 00:20:22,261
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
That was weird.

407
00:20:22,344 --> 00:20:24,138
You know what, she was nervous, and...

408
00:20:24,221 --> 00:20:26,974
BoJack, I don't know what kind
of power games you two are playing,

409
00:20:27,057 --> 00:20:28,349
but keep it in the bedroom.

410
00:20:28,350 --> 00:20:30,436
That was just mean, to her and to us.

411
00:20:30,519 --> 00:20:33,105
No. I thought she'd be good.
I was trying to do a nice thing.

412
00:20:33,189 --> 00:20:36,400
And I would like to be judged solely
on my intentions this time.

413
00:20:40,654 --> 00:20:43,532
Interloper!
You ruined our family heirloom.

414
00:20:43,616 --> 00:20:47,203
Ah! I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

415
00:20:51,415 --> 00:20:54,043
That's for trying to trick Todd

416
00:20:54,126 --> 00:20:55,251
into having sex with you!

417
00:20:55,252 --> 00:20:58,547
And that's for having sex
with my boyfriend in high school!

418
00:20:58,631 --> 00:21:00,089
I never had sex with him!

419
00:21:00,090 --> 00:21:02,635
Yes, you did!
The whole school knew about it.

420
00:21:02,843 --> 00:21:03,802
No, I didn't.

421
00:21:03,803 --> 00:21:08,057
I was going to, but I ran away because I'm
asexuaaaaaaaaal!

422
00:21:12,394 --> 00:21:14,355
You know,
it felt good to finally tell them.

423
00:21:14,438 --> 00:21:16,357
I was surprised
how cool they were with it.

424
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:18,609
Yeah, I kind of forgot
that despite our differences,

425
00:21:18,692 --> 00:21:20,068
they're family and they love me.

426
00:21:20,069 --> 00:21:23,447
So, I guess all that sneaking around
was completely pointless.

427
00:21:23,531 --> 00:21:25,825
Hey, you're right!
What a silly waste of time.

428
00:21:28,118 --> 00:21:30,704
- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Of course.

429
00:21:30,788 --> 00:21:33,415
Why did you tell your family
I went to college?

430
00:21:33,499 --> 00:21:36,710
Oh, I don't know, I guess
I just wanted you to seem impressive.

431
00:21:36,794 --> 00:21:41,590
- Impressive to who?
- Todd... To whom.

432
00:21:43,008 --> 00:21:45,886
- Yolanda, we need to break up.
- What?

433
00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:49,139
The only thing we have in common
is that we're asexual.

434
00:21:49,223 --> 00:21:54,019
I'm sure there's a guy out there for you,
whom's smart and accomplished

435
00:21:54,103 --> 00:21:56,897
- and whom went to college...
- And also doesn't want to have sex?

436
00:21:57,398 --> 00:21:59,483
Yeah. Probably.

437
00:22:00,109 --> 00:22:04,405
- But what if there isn't?
- Well, then let's make a deal.

438
00:22:04,488 --> 00:22:08,617
How about if neither of us meet
anybody else by the time we're a hundred,

439
00:22:08,701 --> 00:22:10,076
we give this another shot?

440
00:22:10,077 --> 00:22:13,289
When we're a hundred? I don't know.
Are you gonna steal my dentures

441
00:22:13,372 --> 00:22:15,749
and use them to build
some sort of motorized nutcracker,

442
00:22:15,916 --> 00:22:17,960
but then the nutcracker's AI
becomes self-aware

443
00:22:18,043 --> 00:22:21,088
and leads all the other dentures
in the nursing home in a toothy revolt?

444
00:22:21,171 --> 00:22:25,217
I wanna say no, but probably yes.

445
00:22:25,301 --> 00:22:28,304
Well, then, I guess I'll see you
when we're a hundred.

446
00:22:31,682 --> 00:22:34,059
Come on, you're shivering.

447
00:22:34,143 --> 00:22:36,854
- Please, just take the blanket.
- No, I'm okay.

448
00:22:36,937 --> 00:22:40,149
Are you the type of war dramatized
in The Hunt for Red October?

449
00:22:40,232 --> 00:22:41,774
Because you're cold.

450
00:22:41,775 --> 00:22:44,528
That one doesn't even make sense.
How do you hunt a month?

451
00:22:44,612 --> 00:22:47,448
I know that it was really hard
to hear what I said in the restaurant,

452
00:22:47,531 --> 00:22:50,993
but... I want you to know
everything about me,

453
00:22:51,076 --> 00:22:52,201
even the hard stuff.

454
00:22:52,202 --> 00:22:55,372
I get it. This is a bad time for you
to start a relationship.

455
00:22:55,456 --> 00:22:57,249
Of course it's a bad time!

456
00:22:57,333 --> 00:22:59,033
I just signed divorce papers.

457
00:22:59,043 --> 00:23:01,086
But I can't control
when I meet someone special.

458
00:23:01,170 --> 00:23:04,798
So, what am I supposed to do, just pretend
I don't want to see you every night?

459
00:23:04,882 --> 00:23:06,926
But what if I'm like the space station?

460
00:23:07,009 --> 00:23:10,095
After a while, you get bored of me
and replace me with someone new.

461
00:23:10,179 --> 00:23:11,763
Look, I don't know the future.

462
00:23:11,764 --> 00:23:13,682
This could end in heartbreak
for both of us.

463
00:23:13,766 --> 00:23:15,466
I mean, most relationships do.

464
00:23:15,476 --> 00:23:18,604
And if I'm honest,
it's not usually me that gets bored.

465
00:23:18,687 --> 00:23:21,607
But I'd like to see where it goes
because... I like you.

466
00:23:21,690 --> 00:23:23,274
And we have fun together.

467
00:23:23,275 --> 00:23:26,236
And every time we see each other,
I like you a little more.

468
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:31,867
Hmm. Hey, am I Taylor Swift's grudge
against Katy Perry, right now?

469
00:23:31,951 --> 00:23:36,163
Because even though it makes no sense,
I want to be held for a superlong time.

470
00:23:36,413 --> 00:23:39,041
- Mmm.
- Mmm.

471
00:23:56,392 --> 00:23:58,092
- Hey, Gina.
- Hi.

472
00:23:58,102 --> 00:24:00,229
Look, I'm sorry. I thought...

473
00:24:00,312 --> 00:24:02,815
Hey, from now on,
let's just stick to the original rules

474
00:24:02,898 --> 00:24:05,234
- and not get in each other's business.
- Yes, of course.

475
00:24:05,317 --> 00:24:08,153
- I'm sorry. I didn't even...
- For the record, you were right.

476
00:24:08,404 --> 00:24:10,823
If I didn't sing there,
I would have spent the rest of my life

477
00:24:10,906 --> 00:24:12,866
not knowing
if I ever could have made it or not.

478
00:24:13,158 --> 00:24:14,617
Now I know. So, good.

479
00:24:14,618 --> 00:24:16,996
You had a bad audition.
It doesn't mean that everything...

480
00:24:17,079 --> 00:24:18,162
I said it's fine.

481
00:24:18,163 --> 00:24:21,417
You did your good deed,
so, you can feel good about yourself.

482
00:24:21,917 --> 00:24:23,711
- Hmm.
- I'm going to bed.

483
00:24:24,128 --> 00:24:25,838
If you want to have
sex with me, you can.

484
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:27,548
Otherwise, I'll see you in the morning.

485
00:24:27,631 --> 00:24:31,468
O-Okay. Uh... Hmm.

486
00:24:52,655 --> 00:24:55,655
sync & correction by f1nc0
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