1 00:00:05,924 --> 00:00:07,883 The series is called "Crooshin' USA." 2 00:00:07,884 --> 00:00:08,968 What does that mean? 3 00:00:08,969 --> 00:00:12,513 Crooshness is hard to define, but I also don't know it when I see it. 4 00:00:12,514 --> 00:00:13,599 Oop. Pardon my reach. 5 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,558 Well, I'm always trying to get more girls interested in agriculture. 6 00:00:16,559 --> 00:00:21,105 You might say I've got my eyes on them. Potato eyes, that is. 7 00:00:21,106 --> 00:00:22,231 - Guy? - Mm-hmm. 8 00:00:22,232 --> 00:00:26,777 Hey, girls! It's Diane, outside Idaho's largest potato supplier, 9 00:00:26,778 --> 00:00:28,278 - Starch Farms. - Hello! 10 00:00:28,279 --> 00:00:29,378 Let me get this straight. 11 00:00:29,379 --> 00:00:31,910 Your farm harvests five types of potatoes, 12 00:00:31,911 --> 00:00:33,325 two types of onions, 13 00:00:33,326 --> 00:00:35,731 and is also a front for a local sex trafficking ring? 14 00:00:35,732 --> 00:00:37,499 How'd you get started 15 00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:39,123 in sex trafficking? 16 00:00:39,124 --> 00:00:41,542 Uh... 17 00:00:43,958 --> 00:00:45,964 I don't think I'm getting that microphone back. 18 00:00:46,965 --> 00:00:49,675 This is the second straight year this Michigan resort's food 19 00:00:49,676 --> 00:00:52,177 has tested positive for avian botulism. 20 00:00:52,178 --> 00:00:53,470 Wow, two years in a row. 21 00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:55,681 It's like the Tom Hanks of poisoning people. 22 00:00:55,682 --> 00:00:57,558 They said the jewelry is safe for humans now, 23 00:00:57,559 --> 00:01:00,602 but I've been wearing this for a week, and... 24 00:01:01,813 --> 00:01:03,981 Can we get more B-roll so we have something to cut away to 25 00:01:03,982 --> 00:01:05,357 when I have to scratch my nose? 26 00:01:05,358 --> 00:01:06,831 I thought scratching your nose 27 00:01:06,832 --> 00:01:08,163 was your way of saying hello to me. 28 00:01:09,446 --> 00:01:11,309 Don't you find it a little convenient 29 00:01:11,310 --> 00:01:12,698 that the mayor has yet to restore 30 00:01:12,699 --> 00:01:14,158 clean drinking water to this part of... 31 00:01:14,159 --> 00:01:18,412 No, it's quite inconvenient. You think this is convenient? 32 00:01:18,413 --> 00:01:21,874 The East Side is a lower-income area, ergo the residents 33 00:01:21,875 --> 00:01:24,084 are not huge campaign donors, ergo... 34 00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:26,754 No, the mayor didn't target that neighborhood, 35 00:01:26,755 --> 00:01:29,298 he was just that stupid when it came to water filtration. 36 00:01:29,299 --> 00:01:32,217 He was just stupid enough to think he wouldn't get caught, ergo... 37 00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:34,679 Say "ergo" one more time. 38 00:01:35,388 --> 00:01:36,722 - Ergo. - Nah. 39 00:01:36,723 --> 00:01:38,265 No, no, no, no. 40 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:39,266 This is Diane Nguyen... 41 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,476 This is Diane... This is Di... 42 00:01:40,477 --> 00:01:43,021 This is Diane Nguyen, and that's the Croosh! 43 00:01:43,722 --> 00:01:45,172 - Let me see. - Did you hear 44 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:46,398 about Philip Morris Disney Fox 45 00:01:46,399 --> 00:01:50,444 AT&T AOL Time Warner PepsiCo Haliburton Skynet Toyota Trader Joe's? 46 00:01:50,445 --> 00:01:52,446 - What about them? - They got acquired by Whitewhale. 47 00:01:52,447 --> 00:01:55,449 Oh, shit. Well, how many companies are there now? 48 00:01:55,450 --> 00:01:56,867 Four? 49 00:01:56,868 --> 00:01:58,577 - What is it? - I'm sorry, Diane. 50 00:01:58,578 --> 00:02:00,828 Look, I asked for two beds, I swear. 51 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:01,854 Huh. 52 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:04,750 I mean, this is unprofessional. One bed! 53 00:02:04,751 --> 00:02:06,710 What are we supposed to do with just one bed? 54 00:02:06,711 --> 00:02:08,341 Quite a pickle. 55 00:02:08,342 --> 00:02:11,423 I should march right back down to that front desk and tell them... 56 00:02:13,176 --> 00:02:16,595 Thank you... for helping me with my one bed bit. 57 00:02:16,596 --> 00:02:18,514 It's a good bit. 58 00:02:20,518 --> 00:02:28,518 Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com 59 00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,863 Dear Diane, hello. 60 00:03:15,864 --> 00:03:17,406 This is a letter. 61 00:03:17,407 --> 00:03:19,825 Rehab is making me write a letter to a friend 62 00:03:19,826 --> 00:03:21,910 because I guess letter writing is therapeutic? 63 00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:24,205 I hear it did wonders for the Zodiac killer. 64 00:03:24,539 --> 00:03:28,501 Anyway, rehab's going fine. A lot of hikes and movie nights and yoga 65 00:03:28,918 --> 00:03:31,421 and I think next week we're doing a color war. 66 00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:35,215 And it's good that I'm here, and it's good that I'm not drinking 67 00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:38,260 or taking pills, but I keep thinking about how this isn't real life. 68 00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:42,557 It's summer camp. Temporary. Easy. 69 00:03:42,891 --> 00:03:44,076 As nice as this is, 70 00:03:44,077 --> 00:03:46,560 I know that someday I'll have to go back to the real world. 71 00:03:46,561 --> 00:03:48,854 Hey, Lady, listen, can you put him on the phone, please? 72 00:03:48,855 --> 00:03:50,333 I don't care if he doesn't wanna talk to me. 73 00:03:50,334 --> 00:03:52,566 I'm his father. No, Lady... 74 00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:55,236 Anyway, that's my letter. 75 00:03:55,237 --> 00:03:56,370 I probably won't even send it, 76 00:03:56,371 --> 00:03:58,825 but if you're reading this, I guess I did? 77 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,867 Your friend, BoJack. 78 00:04:01,659 --> 00:04:03,494 P.S. Horseman. 79 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:08,540 I'm only in Chicago for a week. 80 00:04:08,541 --> 00:04:11,168 I don't think it's selfish to wanna see my son. 81 00:04:11,169 --> 00:04:13,170 Yeah, but you gotta give your ex notice. 82 00:04:13,171 --> 00:04:14,546 Whose side are you on? 83 00:04:14,547 --> 00:04:16,674 Uh... Hey, look out the window. 84 00:04:17,217 --> 00:04:18,675 Wow, there she is! 85 00:04:18,676 --> 00:04:21,383 The second windy, muddy, big-shoulders city by the lake. 86 00:04:21,384 --> 00:04:22,683 Look! Willis Tower. 87 00:04:22,684 --> 00:04:24,973 Oh, and look, the new Whitewhale building! 88 00:04:24,974 --> 00:04:26,202 You cannot be excited 89 00:04:26,203 --> 00:04:28,101 about a giant corporation like Whitewhale 90 00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:29,686 setting up shop in your hometown. 91 00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:31,521 I'm just excited we got a new big building. 92 00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:34,150 In your face, Dubai. 93 00:04:38,655 --> 00:04:40,530 - Hmm... - Ah... 94 00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:42,241 - Not bad. - It's because the bread 95 00:04:42,242 --> 00:04:44,076 is made from lake water and lard. 96 00:04:44,077 --> 00:04:46,495 From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro. 97 00:04:46,496 --> 00:04:48,330 Today, your phone is ringing. 98 00:04:48,331 --> 00:04:49,892 Here's what you need to know 99 00:04:49,893 --> 00:04:53,794 about people who still use their phone to call people. 100 00:04:53,795 --> 00:04:55,811 - Hey, Stefani. - Hey, girl! 101 00:04:55,812 --> 00:04:57,881 - No, no, it's Guy. - Hey, Guy! 102 00:04:57,882 --> 00:05:01,051 I got you on speaker. Diane's eating the best sandwich of her life. 103 00:05:01,052 --> 00:05:02,469 It's okay. 104 00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:05,264 Diane, I love that you still eat sandwiches. 105 00:05:05,265 --> 00:05:08,475 Flaws like that are what make you relatable to regular women. 106 00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:09,851 - What? - Meanwhile, 107 00:05:09,852 --> 00:05:12,573 I am adoring your cross-country exposition 108 00:05:12,574 --> 00:05:15,065 of the ugly underbelly of American capitalism. 109 00:05:15,066 --> 00:05:16,108 So croosh. 110 00:05:16,109 --> 00:05:19,278 But I wonder if you could make room in the rotation 111 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:21,405 for a few feel-good stories? 112 00:05:21,406 --> 00:05:23,365 Stefani, our videos are making a difference. 113 00:05:23,366 --> 00:05:25,845 Yeah, a difference in how bummed I am. 114 00:05:25,846 --> 00:05:28,161 There's gotta be some good news out there. 115 00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:29,997 We'll see what we can do! 116 00:05:29,998 --> 00:05:32,582 - Why'd you say yes? - We can do feel-good stories. 117 00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:34,376 What about that girl who opened up a lemonade stand 118 00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:35,836 to pay for her dad's cancer treatment? 119 00:05:35,837 --> 00:05:37,462 How is that a feel-good story? 120 00:05:37,463 --> 00:05:39,525 "Hey, America! We're the only developed nation 121 00:05:39,526 --> 00:05:40,876 without subsidized healthcare, 122 00:05:40,877 --> 00:05:43,260 so this child joined the workforce in a desperate bid 123 00:05:43,261 --> 00:05:44,511 to keep her father alive!" 124 00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:45,762 Okay. How 'bout this? 125 00:05:45,763 --> 00:05:48,015 Local cameraman has a pretty good thing going, 126 00:05:48,016 --> 00:05:49,850 where he gets to travel all over the country, 127 00:05:49,851 --> 00:05:51,285 and fool around in hotel rooms 128 00:05:51,286 --> 00:05:53,478 with his beautiful, smart, feisty producer... 129 00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:56,231 and he's pretty sure this passionate, intelligent, 130 00:05:56,232 --> 00:05:58,275 warrior for truth likes it, too, 131 00:05:58,276 --> 00:05:59,545 so maybe these two knuckleheads 132 00:05:59,546 --> 00:06:00,902 should swallow their pride for a second 133 00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:02,697 and make some feel-good videos. 134 00:06:09,454 --> 00:06:10,537 Hey, girls. 135 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:11,538 - Hey, Diane. - Hey. 136 00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:14,124 Tell me about the Every Animal Girl Company. 137 00:06:14,125 --> 00:06:16,793 We are two best friends who got tired of seeing dolls 138 00:06:16,794 --> 00:06:19,463 promoting unrealistic beauty standards. 139 00:06:19,464 --> 00:06:20,464 Take Ginny here. 140 00:06:20,465 --> 00:06:23,425 Most giraffe dolls have necks one inch shorter by scale 141 00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:24,634 than the average girl giraffe. 142 00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:25,719 Not our Ginny. 143 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:30,057 Her neck is long and proud, for all our necky gals out there. 144 00:06:30,058 --> 00:06:32,017 As a necky gal, I love that. 145 00:06:32,018 --> 00:06:34,978 And is it true that all your dolls are made out of recycled material? 146 00:06:34,979 --> 00:06:36,646 - Uh... No. - Yes! 147 00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:38,565 - Sorry? - Well, traditionally... 148 00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:41,194 The first batch, um... 149 00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:44,071 The important thing is we're two best friends. 150 00:06:44,072 --> 00:06:45,322 Okay, what's going on? 151 00:06:45,323 --> 00:06:47,282 Uh... 152 00:06:47,283 --> 00:06:50,410 Okay. We are excited to announce that as of today, 153 00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:54,331 the Every Animal Girl Company has been purchased by Toys Galore, 154 00:06:54,332 --> 00:06:57,167 a subsidiary of Whitewhale Consolidated Interests. 155 00:06:57,168 --> 00:06:59,920 Yay! Toys Galore! 156 00:06:59,921 --> 00:07:01,547 - Uh... - Huh? 157 00:07:01,881 --> 00:07:03,048 "Yay..." 158 00:07:03,049 --> 00:07:06,927 A small, independent start-up bought out by a huge conglomerate. 159 00:07:06,928 --> 00:07:09,971 It must be so empowering to see your success grow. 160 00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:12,116 What a happy story for two best friends. 161 00:07:12,117 --> 00:07:14,017 Now, about the recycled materials? 162 00:07:14,018 --> 00:07:16,455 Well, it's unclear what role recycling 163 00:07:16,456 --> 00:07:17,855 will play in the future of this company. 164 00:07:17,856 --> 00:07:21,024 Right now, we're mainly focused on empowering young girls, 165 00:07:21,025 --> 00:07:24,361 and closing the main Chicago factory so we can relocate overseas 166 00:07:24,362 --> 00:07:25,654 for cheaper labor. 167 00:07:25,655 --> 00:07:27,030 Right before the holidays! 168 00:07:27,031 --> 00:07:29,074 Feel-good. 169 00:07:29,075 --> 00:07:32,786 What an exciting, empowering time for you! 170 00:07:32,787 --> 00:07:34,372 I know. 171 00:07:35,581 --> 00:07:37,791 You think you can edit that down into something feel-goody? 172 00:07:37,792 --> 00:07:40,001 For sure. It'll have to go up late, though, 173 00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:42,587 because I'm having some friends over to watch the game tonight. 174 00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:44,257 God, I'm freezing. 175 00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:47,592 - Aw. - So, you, uh... 176 00:07:47,593 --> 00:07:48,947 You wanna watch the game with us? 177 00:07:48,948 --> 00:07:50,679 Are you asking me to meet your friends? 178 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,473 No, I just figure, since you're staying with me anyway... 179 00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:54,495 I would be delighted. 180 00:07:54,496 --> 00:07:56,726 Wait, it's not the Chicago Baby Humans game, is it? 181 00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:58,186 It's just a mascot. 182 00:07:58,187 --> 00:08:01,815 And there goes Waa-Waa, the Baby Human, stumbling around 183 00:08:01,816 --> 00:08:04,151 like the furless featherless dolt he is. 184 00:08:04,152 --> 00:08:05,755 What's he got there? 185 00:08:05,756 --> 00:08:07,946 Don't drink that poison, you crazy human! 186 00:08:07,947 --> 00:08:11,032 - We don't drink poison. - Diane, he's not a literal human. 187 00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:13,869 Waa-Waa is a tribute to your proud human heritage. 188 00:08:13,870 --> 00:08:16,246 - I'm very flattered. - Anyway, meet the gang. 189 00:08:16,247 --> 00:08:18,790 Everyone, this is Diane. My, um... 190 00:08:18,791 --> 00:08:21,168 Ah... You know, my... The woman that I work with. 191 00:08:21,169 --> 00:08:22,462 - Hi. - 'Sup, dude? 192 00:08:24,046 --> 00:08:25,505 - Hmm... - You okay? 193 00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,884 Yeah. Sorry, just... I'll be right back. 194 00:08:40,104 --> 00:08:42,105 - Diane, I'm really sorry, but... - It's fine. 195 00:08:42,106 --> 00:08:44,065 I wasn't expecting, ya know, in front of your friends. 196 00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:45,942 - He just showed up. - We haven't put a label on us. 197 00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:47,960 - I'm not looking for... - The speech and debate tournament 198 00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,542 was canceled on account of cyberbullying. 199 00:08:49,543 --> 00:08:50,780 Wait, what are you talking about? 200 00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:52,949 - My son is here. He surprised me. - Oh, shit. 201 00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:56,286 I usually don't bring women around my kid unless it's serious. 202 00:08:56,287 --> 00:08:57,837 - I get it. - Do you mind staying at a hotel? 203 00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,831 - Oh, yeah. Totally. - He'll be gone first thing tomorrow. 204 00:08:59,832 --> 00:09:01,500 What if he sees me go out? Is the coast clear? 205 00:09:01,501 --> 00:09:03,344 You should maybe go out the window. 206 00:09:03,345 --> 00:09:04,605 This makes sense. 207 00:09:04,606 --> 00:09:05,712 But what about my stuff? 208 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,197 I'll pack your bag and throw it out to you. 209 00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:09,549 Okay, good. Bye. Thank you for inviting me to your party. 210 00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:10,550 You have a lovely home. 211 00:09:11,219 --> 00:09:14,596 Dear Diane, hello. I am writing you another letter. 212 00:09:14,597 --> 00:09:15,866 Today sucks. 213 00:09:15,867 --> 00:09:18,683 There's this new lady here, Beverly, and she took my snack kit. 214 00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:22,730 And that is so classic Beverly. Probably. I just met her. 215 00:09:23,231 --> 00:09:25,774 The whole point of the snack kits is they're communal, right? 216 00:09:25,775 --> 00:09:28,092 They're these bags full of snacks that we take on our morning hikes, 217 00:09:28,093 --> 00:09:29,463 and we put them together the night before, 218 00:09:29,464 --> 00:09:31,722 as like a team-building thing. 219 00:09:32,657 --> 00:09:35,338 Yesterday, I decided to throw an extra bag of candied nuts 220 00:09:35,339 --> 00:09:37,327 into a snack kit, something just for me. 221 00:09:37,328 --> 00:09:38,537 And I marked my bag with a "B" 222 00:09:38,538 --> 00:09:40,088 so I'd know which one to grab in the morning. 223 00:09:40,089 --> 00:09:41,141 "B" for "BoJack." 224 00:09:41,142 --> 00:09:42,887 But then today, I see Beverly, 225 00:09:42,888 --> 00:09:45,210 who, again, just got here, waltzing around the house 226 00:09:45,211 --> 00:09:46,722 with my snack kit, saying, 227 00:09:46,723 --> 00:09:49,256 "Oh, somebody made a special kit just for me! 228 00:09:49,257 --> 00:09:52,634 B for Beverly! I must have a secret admirer!" 229 00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:54,386 Again, just got here! 230 00:09:54,387 --> 00:09:55,845 The story of my life 231 00:09:55,846 --> 00:09:57,430 is that I never get anything nice. 232 00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,891 You'd think that I'd learn to adjust my expectations by now. 233 00:09:59,892 --> 00:10:01,560 But, no. Once again, 234 00:10:01,561 --> 00:10:04,646 I was the idiot who got my hopes up about candied nuts 235 00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:08,943 and now I am disappointed with no one to blame but myself. 236 00:10:09,944 --> 00:10:11,778 Anyway, what's new with you? 237 00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:13,393 Just kidding, you can't say anything, 238 00:10:13,394 --> 00:10:14,656 this is a letter! 239 00:10:14,657 --> 00:10:17,076 Okay, talk soon. BoJack. 240 00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:26,167 From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro. 241 00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:27,294 Today, your... 242 00:10:27,295 --> 00:10:29,838 - Hello? - Diane, your last video... 243 00:10:29,839 --> 00:10:32,382 Okay, I know it wasn't as feel-good as maybe you wanted... 244 00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:34,050 Are you kidding? I feel great! 245 00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:36,177 You made a big impression with the guys at Whitewhale. 246 00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:39,682 - Really? - I'll say. They bought Girl Croosh! 247 00:10:40,192 --> 00:10:41,214 - What? - Well, 248 00:10:41,215 --> 00:10:42,559 technically they bought Fuddruckers 249 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:43,834 and merged it with Dow Chemical 250 00:10:43,835 --> 00:10:46,521 to create a new media venture called Spronk! 251 00:10:46,522 --> 00:10:48,565 - Hold on... - Spronk acquired Univision, 252 00:10:48,566 --> 00:10:51,735 which will incorporate Girl Croosh into the Gizmodo-branded mist 253 00:10:51,736 --> 00:10:52,986 of advertorial. 254 00:10:52,987 --> 00:10:55,447 - That's terrible! - Not for me! I'm gonna be rich! 255 00:10:55,448 --> 00:10:58,366 - You already are rich! - Oh, yeah! 256 00:10:58,367 --> 00:11:00,804 Oops. Well, anyway, good luck with Spronk, 257 00:11:00,805 --> 00:11:03,371 which is currently rebranding as Content Spew. 258 00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:06,793 - So spew that content, girl! - Bye! 259 00:11:08,377 --> 00:11:10,171 Oh, "spronk" me. 260 00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:16,886 Pardon our dust while we finish construction. 261 00:11:17,261 --> 00:11:18,873 Can I get you a Pepsi Cola? 262 00:11:18,874 --> 00:11:20,639 Or anything else from the vast Whitewhale 263 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,287 agglomeration of fine beverages? 264 00:11:23,726 --> 00:11:25,394 Uh, I think we're good. 265 00:11:26,312 --> 00:11:27,312 Hmm. 266 00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:30,668 I'm sorry about last night. 267 00:11:30,669 --> 00:11:32,317 It's fine. Let's just watch the movie. 268 00:11:32,318 --> 00:11:33,385 Welcome! 269 00:11:33,386 --> 00:11:35,570 Here at Whitewhale Consolidated Interests, 270 00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:38,162 we do it all through the free-market magic 271 00:11:38,163 --> 00:11:39,868 of the Whitewhale Way! 272 00:11:40,284 --> 00:11:42,515 That's right, Mr. Whitewhale! 273 00:11:42,516 --> 00:11:44,621 Who? Why? Where? Whence forth are you two, 274 00:11:44,622 --> 00:11:49,459 and how did you manifest in my office? Be gone, ghastly ghouls! 275 00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:53,171 We're no spooky specters! My name's Vert! 276 00:11:53,172 --> 00:11:54,798 Vertical Integration! 277 00:11:54,799 --> 00:11:57,217 And I'm Ollie, the Oligopoly. 278 00:11:57,218 --> 00:11:58,445 You summoned us here 279 00:11:58,446 --> 00:12:01,888 to tell your new employees about the Whitewhale Way! 280 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:05,975 Well, best be quick about it, you unholy apparitions. 281 00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:09,521 The Whitewhale Way was developed by Ezekiel Whitewhale, 282 00:12:09,522 --> 00:12:12,463 who started small with a modest petroleum refinery 283 00:12:12,464 --> 00:12:14,526 he inherited from his father. 284 00:12:14,527 --> 00:12:17,529 One day he looked around and said, 285 00:12:17,530 --> 00:12:18,571 "Wait one minute! 286 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,259 While I'm refining this oil, 287 00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:22,158 someone else is getting rich drilling it, 288 00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:25,620 and another someone's sellin' it to the common commuter!" 289 00:12:25,621 --> 00:12:28,665 So, he bought his own rig and opened a chain of gas stations. 290 00:12:28,666 --> 00:12:32,043 By controlling both the means of production and the delivery system, 291 00:12:32,044 --> 00:12:35,672 Ezekiel cornered the market, and choked out the competition 292 00:12:35,673 --> 00:12:38,341 until they had no choice but to sell to him, too! 293 00:12:38,342 --> 00:12:41,386 And that's vertical integration! 294 00:12:41,387 --> 00:12:43,304 Pardon me. 295 00:12:43,305 --> 00:12:45,974 F-f-f-f-fast forward to the 1980s, 296 00:12:45,975 --> 00:12:49,477 when Jeremiah took our company to the next level. 297 00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:50,956 He bought a telephone company, 298 00:12:50,957 --> 00:12:52,897 a sports team, and when he didn't like 299 00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:54,941 the way the newspapers were talking about him, 300 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,776 he bought his own newspaper! 301 00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,131 Well, I must have been a hungry whale 302 00:12:59,132 --> 00:13:01,781 because I just kept gobbling up companies. 303 00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:05,577 Fast forward to today, and it looks like I gobbled up you! 304 00:13:05,578 --> 00:13:08,580 Are we supposed to be charmed by this? 305 00:13:08,581 --> 00:13:11,602 Welcome to the Whitewhale family. 306 00:13:11,603 --> 00:13:15,297 Everywhere you are, that's where we'll be. 307 00:13:17,089 --> 00:13:19,174 Here's a list of your new sister companies. 308 00:13:19,175 --> 00:13:22,762 Please be mindful of them as you spew your content. 309 00:13:25,389 --> 00:13:27,974 So we can't make videos about any of these subsidiaries? 310 00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:31,603 Monsanto, JP Morgan Chase, Marie Osmond? 311 00:13:31,604 --> 00:13:34,272 Oh! There it is, the Every Animal Girl Company. 312 00:13:34,273 --> 00:13:36,424 You don't really think Whitewhale bought Girl Croosh 313 00:13:36,425 --> 00:13:37,748 just to kill our video? 314 00:13:37,749 --> 00:13:40,069 And you couldn't just tell a feel-good story about two friends 315 00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:41,321 who started a business. 316 00:13:41,322 --> 00:13:42,947 Maybe this is for the best. 317 00:13:42,948 --> 00:13:45,742 You can get a new job in Chicago, spend more time with your kid. 318 00:13:45,743 --> 00:13:47,202 Yeah, and you can go back to LA, 319 00:13:47,203 --> 00:13:49,245 where you won't have to borrow my coat all the time. 320 00:13:49,246 --> 00:13:50,963 Didn't you wanna write another book? 321 00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,916 I have this book of essays I've been brewing in my head. 322 00:13:52,917 --> 00:13:55,460 It's called, "One Last Thing and Then I Swear to God I'll Shut Up 323 00:13:55,461 --> 00:13:57,731 About This Forever: Dispatches from the Frontlines 324 00:13:57,732 --> 00:13:59,693 of the War on Women: Arguments, Opinions, 325 00:13:59,694 --> 00:14:01,591 Reflections, Recollections, The Razor Tax..." 326 00:14:01,592 --> 00:14:02,592 Is this still the title? 327 00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:04,928 I kind of got lost in the middle and couldn't find a way out. 328 00:14:04,929 --> 00:14:06,179 No, no, it's good, 329 00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:08,497 I just think you want to save some of it for the inside of the book. 330 00:14:08,498 --> 00:14:11,851 I guess that's it for us, though, right? 331 00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:16,815 - I guess so. Unless it isn't it for us? - What do you mean? 332 00:14:16,816 --> 00:14:19,651 What if we did one more video about anything we wanted 333 00:14:19,652 --> 00:14:21,130 and posted it on the website 334 00:14:21,131 --> 00:14:23,112 before they realize we still have all the passwords? 335 00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:26,866 - We could do a story about Whitewhale. - Oh, yeah! 336 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,868 Now, there's a feel-good story. 337 00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:32,915 Me feeling good about takin' those assholes down! 338 00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:45,760 Diane, this is Isabel, star reporter at The Tribune. 339 00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:47,720 She's been hunting Whitewhale for years. 340 00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:52,267 - Call me... Isabel. - Okay. 341 00:14:52,268 --> 00:14:54,477 All my days, the beast has haunted me. 342 00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:57,313 The hunt consumes my every waking moment. 343 00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:59,984 You might even say Whitewhale is my... 344 00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:03,112 green light at the end of the dock. 345 00:15:03,654 --> 00:15:05,415 - What? - That's a Gatsby reference. 346 00:15:05,416 --> 00:15:07,324 - Read a book. - Isabel, be nice. 347 00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:10,368 I wish I had the energy, but my obsession has ruined me. 348 00:15:10,369 --> 00:15:14,831 Destroyed my relationships, obliterated my career. And for nothing. 349 00:15:14,832 --> 00:15:16,977 I had one contact on the warehouse floor, 350 00:15:16,978 --> 00:15:18,501 Matt Minnowman. 351 00:15:18,502 --> 00:15:20,169 - Hmm. - Then he disappeared. 352 00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:22,589 - Maybe there's your story. - Not your story? 353 00:15:22,590 --> 00:15:24,443 Mm. My editor thought I was getting 354 00:15:24,444 --> 00:15:26,718 "too invested" in the Whitewhale beat, 355 00:15:26,719 --> 00:15:28,887 so he moved me to the Holiday Gift Guide desk. 356 00:15:28,888 --> 00:15:32,348 Now the search for the season's hot toy torments my waking days. 357 00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:34,981 Are spirographs the new fidget spinners? 358 00:15:34,982 --> 00:15:37,230 The answer eludes me at every turn. 359 00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,484 I can't believe it. We got a lead. 360 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:45,403 Hey, do you wanna walk back to my place? 361 00:15:45,404 --> 00:15:48,865 Are you kidding? It's so cold. How is it snowing in October? 362 00:15:48,866 --> 00:15:50,844 There are basically two seasons here: 363 00:15:50,845 --> 00:15:52,744 bitter winter, unbearable humidity. 364 00:15:52,745 --> 00:15:54,788 You'll learn to love it. 365 00:15:56,465 --> 00:15:59,083 Dear Diane, I'm sure you are dying to know 366 00:15:59,084 --> 00:16:01,711 how this Beverly secret admirer situation is going, 367 00:16:01,712 --> 00:16:03,838 - so I'll cut right to the chase. - Oh! 368 00:16:03,839 --> 00:16:07,425 I started writing "BH" on my snack kits to clear up any confusion 369 00:16:07,426 --> 00:16:08,636 about who the extra nuts are for. 370 00:16:10,054 --> 00:16:13,932 But now Beverly thinks "BH" stands for "Beverly, here-ya-go." 371 00:16:13,933 --> 00:16:16,684 "Beverly here ya go"? Why would the "H" stand for... 372 00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:19,103 You know what? Doesn't matter. 373 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,981 The dumbest part is that Beverly doesn't even eat candied nuts. 374 00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:23,116 She's allergic. 375 00:16:23,609 --> 00:16:24,817 So she usually just ends up 376 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,194 giving her nuts to me. 377 00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:28,238 Doctor Champ would probably say that means something. 378 00:16:28,656 --> 00:16:30,551 That the universe has a way of looking out for us 379 00:16:30,552 --> 00:16:32,241 if we just stop fighting it, but... 380 00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:33,660 I don't know. 381 00:16:33,661 --> 00:16:36,038 Anyway, I guess it's working. 382 00:16:36,664 --> 00:16:40,041 Hope things are working for you, too. BoJack. 383 00:16:43,087 --> 00:16:44,170 Were you up all night? 384 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,130 I was following up on this Matt Minnowman. 385 00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,883 Turns out there was an "accident" at the warehouse. 386 00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:50,760 - What? - He stayed late to finish some work. 387 00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:52,804 "Look at me, I'm just doing some work. It's no big deal." 388 00:16:52,805 --> 00:16:54,430 Next morning, they found him dead. 389 00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:55,556 Oh, shit. 390 00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:58,476 This guy was trying to get the word out about working conditions, 391 00:16:58,477 --> 00:17:00,979 and then he died in the warehouse. 392 00:17:00,980 --> 00:17:03,189 I got the names of some coworkers, let's get our hands 393 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,273 on the security footage. 394 00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:06,275 Did you know your cereal was made by Whitewhale? 395 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,360 I threw it out to be safe. 396 00:17:07,361 --> 00:17:09,570 Microchips... Oh, my God, you're looking at me like I'm crazy. 397 00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:12,156 You think I'm obsessed. Am I totally scaring you off right now? 398 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,034 No. You're glowing. 399 00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:15,703 Hmm. 400 00:17:19,915 --> 00:17:21,958 We were working 17-hour days. 401 00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:24,961 We were spread thinner than a shitty New York slice of pizza 402 00:17:24,962 --> 00:17:27,047 and working harder than the '96 Bulls. 403 00:17:28,549 --> 00:17:30,717 Okay, so Matt's stationed here... 404 00:17:30,718 --> 00:17:33,595 So, what, he walked to the other side of the room just to die? 405 00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,263 That's where he died, all right. 406 00:17:35,264 --> 00:17:37,640 Management left his body out there on the floor. 407 00:17:37,641 --> 00:17:40,435 Almost like it was a warning to the other workers. 408 00:17:40,436 --> 00:17:41,603 Wow. 409 00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:44,564 I just don't think you can attribute it to intentional cruelty. 410 00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:46,357 - It's callousness. - Can't it be both? 411 00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:48,484 Whitewhale's not evil. They're just capitalists. 412 00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:49,902 What's the difference? 413 00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,321 From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro. Today... 414 00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:53,942 - Hello? - Mister Whitewhale 415 00:17:53,943 --> 00:17:55,071 would like to meet you 416 00:17:55,072 --> 00:17:56,553 at the Chicago Whitewhale building 417 00:17:56,554 --> 00:17:57,827 tomorrow at 2:00. 418 00:17:57,828 --> 00:18:00,246 Bring your camera. 419 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,643 Oh, shit. If they know what we're doing, 420 00:18:02,644 --> 00:18:04,208 why would they wanna talk to us? 421 00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:05,668 I guess we'll find out. 422 00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:07,837 I'm kind of weirdly excited. 423 00:18:07,838 --> 00:18:10,883 - Hey. I got you something. - What? Shut up! 424 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,509 - Huh. - Ah. 425 00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:15,261 - You don't like it. - No, I love it. 426 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:18,640 It's just I won't get much use out of a coat like this in LA. 427 00:18:18,641 --> 00:18:19,724 No. It's for here. 428 00:18:19,725 --> 00:18:22,268 Is this your way of asking me to move to Chicago? 429 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:23,664 No. 430 00:18:23,665 --> 00:18:27,106 Not everything is some kind of secret underhanded conspiracy. 431 00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:28,915 Sometimes a coat's just a coat. 432 00:18:28,916 --> 00:18:29,942 Okay. 433 00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:31,797 But I also don't know why it's so obvious 434 00:18:31,798 --> 00:18:33,005 that you go back to LA. 435 00:18:33,006 --> 00:18:35,073 - I live there. - But there's nothing for you there. 436 00:18:35,074 --> 00:18:37,344 - Excuse me? - I just don't understand 437 00:18:37,345 --> 00:18:38,910 why you're so into punishing yourself. 438 00:18:38,911 --> 00:18:41,223 - I am not... - And it's not just yourself, 439 00:18:41,224 --> 00:18:42,663 because every time you get cold, 440 00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:43,905 guess who has to give you his coat. 441 00:18:43,906 --> 00:18:46,250 Oh, sorry, does that inconvenience you? 442 00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:49,295 No. I just don't know why I should suffer 443 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,964 because you have this ideological objection to feeling good. 444 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:54,634 Are you... I would love to feel good. 445 00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:57,386 What a luxury. How nice for you that you can do that 446 00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:58,971 while the world burns around you. 447 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:01,724 This is not even about the world, this is about you and me. 448 00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:03,392 "You and me"? What's "you and me"? 449 00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:05,436 - Don't... - No, no, tell me, Guy, please, 450 00:19:05,437 --> 00:19:08,231 because I would love some clarification. Am I your girlfriend? 451 00:19:08,232 --> 00:19:11,776 Am I the, um, "you know, woman that I work with"? 452 00:19:11,777 --> 00:19:13,861 - Come on, Diane. - What is this? 453 00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:17,533 I... Just take the coat. 454 00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:20,285 I think I should go back to the hotel. 455 00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:44,308 I didn't know if you'd come. 456 00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:48,480 Well, we got a job to do, right? Could get chilly up there. 457 00:19:51,942 --> 00:19:54,569 I don't know what kind of video you're putting together, 458 00:19:54,570 --> 00:19:57,363 but I wanted to let you know I don't mind. 459 00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:58,781 You're not gonna stop us. 460 00:19:58,782 --> 00:20:01,284 I don't want to stop you, I just said that. 461 00:20:01,285 --> 00:20:05,204 See, when you put out stories about us being "evil" or "callous" 462 00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:07,874 or whoever the bad guy in Harry Potter is, 463 00:20:07,875 --> 00:20:11,271 people think our business is uncompromised by morality 464 00:20:11,272 --> 00:20:13,045 and our stock goes up. 465 00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:15,634 So, it doesn't bother your shareholders 466 00:20:15,635 --> 00:20:16,839 that one of your employees died 467 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,384 in a work-related accident? 468 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:20,928 - What accident? - Matt Minnowman's body was found 469 00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:22,180 in your warehouse. 470 00:20:22,181 --> 00:20:23,819 Oh, him, sure! 471 00:20:23,820 --> 00:20:25,766 But that was no accident. I killed him. 472 00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:27,393 - What? - I murdered him! 473 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,020 Like "murdered" murdered him? 474 00:20:29,021 --> 00:20:31,522 Well, I didn't murder of crows him. 475 00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:34,775 He took too many bathroom breaks and encouraged the other employees 476 00:20:34,776 --> 00:20:36,527 to take bathroom breaks as well. 477 00:20:36,528 --> 00:20:37,672 And you're not worried 478 00:20:37,673 --> 00:20:40,114 it's going to get out that you killed an employee? 479 00:20:40,115 --> 00:20:42,575 Like in the video we're shooting right now? 480 00:20:42,576 --> 00:20:43,595 Didn't you hear? 481 00:20:43,596 --> 00:20:46,996 Congress just passed a bill legalizing murder if you're rich. 482 00:20:46,997 --> 00:20:48,291 No, they didn't... 483 00:20:48,292 --> 00:20:50,041 - Oh, my God, they did! - What? 484 00:20:50,042 --> 00:20:51,905 Hold on. Just because it passed the House 485 00:20:51,906 --> 00:20:53,586 - doesn't mean the Senate will... - Really, Diane? 486 00:20:53,587 --> 00:20:55,129 Okay, but the president could still veto... 487 00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:56,380 Really, Diane? 488 00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:58,633 All right, sure, but the Supreme Court. Okay, I get it. 489 00:20:58,634 --> 00:21:00,593 Look, don't take it so hard. 490 00:21:00,594 --> 00:21:02,363 If you wanna do something about it, 491 00:21:02,364 --> 00:21:05,348 just make a billion dollars and murder me! 492 00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:10,978 Barbara, let's make sure they get a nice Whitewhale Company gift bag 493 00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:13,190 on their way out. 494 00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:19,154 Well, we can still post the video. 495 00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,281 Why? 496 00:21:22,074 --> 00:21:26,703 Yeah, right, well, um, safe travels. It's been real. 497 00:21:27,204 --> 00:21:29,623 Yeah. It's been real. 498 00:21:33,001 --> 00:21:35,586 I'm not gonna beg you to stay, if that's what you're waiting for. 499 00:21:35,587 --> 00:21:36,712 I'm not waiting for anything. 500 00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:38,400 I'm not that guy who says, 501 00:21:38,401 --> 00:21:40,925 "Diane, please don't go, I'm in love with you. 502 00:21:40,926 --> 00:21:43,219 Stay here in Chicago and write your book of essays 503 00:21:43,220 --> 00:21:45,055 and come with me to baseball games. 504 00:21:45,056 --> 00:21:46,367 They've got a pretty good theater scene 505 00:21:46,368 --> 00:21:47,851 here and a big shiny bean and you could... 506 00:21:49,476 --> 00:21:51,687 You could be so happy in your warm winter coat." 507 00:21:52,062 --> 00:21:54,897 - I don't need you to say... - I'm not gonna be that guy, all right? 508 00:21:54,898 --> 00:21:56,668 But if you wanted to stay, 509 00:21:56,669 --> 00:21:58,820 I could make things so good for you, Diane. 510 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,280 - Listen... - No, no, I get it. 511 00:22:02,281 --> 00:22:04,615 No, listen. Guy. 512 00:22:04,616 --> 00:22:08,619 I feel so shitty all the time. 513 00:22:08,620 --> 00:22:11,974 I feel like the whole world is pushing in on me, 514 00:22:12,432 --> 00:22:15,042 except for when I'm with you. 515 00:22:15,043 --> 00:22:18,425 You have been such a good thing for me. 516 00:22:19,047 --> 00:22:21,267 But I can't be with you 517 00:22:21,268 --> 00:22:24,552 if you're the only good thing in my life. 518 00:22:24,553 --> 00:22:27,014 It's too much pressure. I'm sorry. 519 00:22:28,849 --> 00:22:31,225 Diane! Don't get on that train! 520 00:22:31,226 --> 00:22:32,754 Guy, I just told you... 521 00:22:32,755 --> 00:22:34,395 I know, but you're going to the airport. 522 00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:37,064 That train's going to Cottage Grove, you're gonna get screwed! 523 00:22:37,065 --> 00:22:38,650 Oh, no. 524 00:22:40,235 --> 00:22:44,239 Dear Diane, it was Beverly's last day yesterday. 525 00:22:44,865 --> 00:22:48,075 Everyone is real excited for her, but she spent the whole day sulking 526 00:22:48,076 --> 00:22:51,121 because she never found out who her secret admirer was. 527 00:22:51,455 --> 00:22:54,290 Frankly, it was getting pretty annoying, so finally I just say, 528 00:22:54,291 --> 00:22:56,584 "It was me! I'm in love with you!" 529 00:22:56,585 --> 00:23:00,339 And she goes, "Oh. I was hoping it was Mario." 530 00:23:00,756 --> 00:23:02,549 And then she starts crying. 531 00:23:03,216 --> 00:23:04,402 And everyone looks at me like, 532 00:23:04,403 --> 00:23:07,221 "Way to go, you made Beverly cry on her last day". 533 00:23:08,847 --> 00:23:10,793 So, the thing I keep thinking about is... 534 00:23:11,558 --> 00:23:14,226 was it worth it for Beverly to be happy for a little bit, 535 00:23:14,227 --> 00:23:16,228 even though it ended up sad? 536 00:23:16,229 --> 00:23:18,604 Or would it have been better if the whole thing never happened? 537 00:23:19,316 --> 00:23:20,858 Every time someone leaves rehab... 538 00:23:20,859 --> 00:23:23,444 it makes you think about your own progress. 539 00:23:23,445 --> 00:23:25,593 Some days it feels like you're not progressing at all, 540 00:23:25,594 --> 00:23:27,990 other days you think, "Well, maybe a little." 541 00:23:27,991 --> 00:23:29,909 The main thing I think about is how stupid I am 542 00:23:29,910 --> 00:23:31,494 that I didn't do this sooner. 543 00:23:31,495 --> 00:23:34,830 I wasted so many years being miserable because I assumed 544 00:23:34,831 --> 00:23:36,666 that was the only way to be. 545 00:23:37,334 --> 00:23:39,002 But I don't wanna do that anymore. 546 00:23:40,170 --> 00:23:43,422 Also, am I crazy or have I gotten really good at writing letters? 547 00:23:44,758 --> 00:23:46,385 This is BoJack, by the way. 548 00:23:50,972 --> 00:23:53,182 - Hey. - Hey. 549 00:23:53,183 --> 00:23:55,757 I was thinking about these grilled cheese sandwiches 550 00:23:55,758 --> 00:23:58,354 I used to make, back when I first moved to LA. 551 00:23:58,355 --> 00:23:59,939 - What? - I was dirt-broke 552 00:23:59,940 --> 00:24:03,081 and I had no friends and no job, and I got obsessed 553 00:24:03,082 --> 00:24:05,903 with perfecting the art of the grilled cheese sandwich. 554 00:24:05,904 --> 00:24:07,738 - Makes sense. - Partly because it was cheap, 555 00:24:07,739 --> 00:24:09,990 but also because while I was doing it, 556 00:24:09,991 --> 00:24:12,451 I wasn't thinking about how depressing my life was. 557 00:24:12,452 --> 00:24:13,494 Okay. 558 00:24:13,495 --> 00:24:15,704 So, on the plane I was thinking, 559 00:24:15,705 --> 00:24:17,832 I should make another grilled cheese sandwich 560 00:24:17,833 --> 00:24:21,293 because I haven't in a long time, but I love them 561 00:24:21,294 --> 00:24:24,338 - and they always make me feel better - about things. 562 00:24:24,339 --> 00:24:25,956 - Look, Diane, I gotta... - And the thing about 563 00:24:25,957 --> 00:24:28,249 making your own grilled cheese sandwich is 564 00:24:28,250 --> 00:24:31,255 you can do it anywhere. You know? 565 00:24:32,264 --> 00:24:33,514 Yeah? 566 00:24:33,515 --> 00:24:36,309 Yeah. So, I guess that's another good thing. 567 00:24:36,310 --> 00:24:40,146 Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com