1 00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:13,014 and they even let the birthday boy pilot the airplane! 2 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,056 There were no survivors. 3 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,520 In other news, the newly formed Hollywoo "Guild of Assistants" 4 00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:20,901 is meeting with industry power brokers today 5 00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:23,819 to negotiate terms for a standard agreement. 6 00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:25,700 I'm optimistic about the coming talks 7 00:00:25,730 --> 00:00:27,278 and confident we can avoid a strike. 8 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:28,990 Our demands are reasonable, 9 00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:31,530 and our services are crucial to this industry. 10 00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:33,124 All right, you little pishers, 11 00:00:33,190 --> 00:00:35,140 let's wrap this up quick so you can all go back 12 00:00:35,170 --> 00:00:37,249 to getting me wrong coffees. 13 00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:39,038 - What do you want? - We have one request. 14 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,622 To not be treated like garbage. 15 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,540 It appears we are at an impasse. 16 00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:50,379 - Where's my dry cleaning? - Where's my car? 17 00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:54,933 I don't know any of my passwords! What's my mother's maiden name? 18 00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:58,353 I'm going into labor! You need to call my doula! 19 00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:04,023 Will somebody please make me a reservation at Little Dom's? 20 00:01:55,010 --> 00:01:58,700 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - www.addic7ed.com ... 21 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:06,075 Oh, no. Did I really drink last night? 22 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:08,127 Doctor Champ, I am so sorry. I... 23 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,551 - Did anyone see me? - You were in here all night. 24 00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,220 Nobody can know about this. 25 00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:13,920 There are 20 struggling addicts 26 00:02:13,940 --> 00:02:15,508 in this building who are counting on me. 27 00:02:15,593 --> 00:02:16,763 Of course. 28 00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,215 I'm gonna go home, take a shower. 29 00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:20,014 - This never happened. - Agreed. 30 00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:23,388 But how do I get out of here without anyone seeing me? 31 00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:27,895 - Whoa! - Okay, okay, easy. 32 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:30,436 This requires a surprising amount of upper-body strength. 33 00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,645 Stop swinging. Just slide down. 34 00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:34,395 Am I being inconspicuous? 35 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,197 Yes. Plus or minus the yelling. 36 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:37,661 - I'm just gonna let go. - Don't... 37 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,790 Thank you, BoJack, for being there to catch me. 38 00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:43,871 Up! 39 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:49,293 Ew. 40 00:02:49,790 --> 00:02:52,300 "I looked in that case first chance I got 41 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,554 and there was that note still tied there. 42 00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:56,932 That line hadn't touched water in its life." 43 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,215 "Doesn't mean nothin', Alma." 44 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:02,974 "Don't try and fool me no more, Ennis. I know what it means. 45 00:03:03,057 --> 00:03:05,767 Jack Twist, Jack nasty!" 46 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,477 The sock puppet players tribute to Ang Lee will continue after this. 47 00:03:11,770 --> 00:03:13,940 Oh. Hello, Jorge. 48 00:03:13,970 --> 00:03:16,454 I have some news. It's about your mother. 49 00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:19,533 Oh, is the news that you're marrying her, 50 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,366 inserting yourself into our family and ruining my life? 51 00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:26,207 Because I already heard that news like 25 years ago, Jorge. 52 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:28,879 - I didn't come to your home to fight. - Then joke's on you 53 00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:31,418 because you didn't come to my home at all. 54 00:03:31,502 --> 00:03:34,012 I just sleep on the couch... 55 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,060 since you and Mom gave me the boot. 56 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:37,378 That was ten years ago. 57 00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,797 Which, by the way, is the only thing you ever gave me. 58 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:43,467 I gave you my name, and you have clearly wasted it. 59 00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:45,556 Do you know what the Chavez name stands for? 60 00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:46,982 Yes, Jorge. 61 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:52,440 Chavez! C for cerebral! H for high-minded! A for analytical! 62 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,993 V for veracious! E for efficacious! 63 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:59,029 And Z for zealously practical. 64 00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:00,703 Feels like a cheat on the Z. 65 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,372 Todd, your mother needs your help. 66 00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,290 Well, then instead of sending her husband, 67 00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:06,909 she should have asked me herself, if it's so important to her. 68 00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:09,706 - She's in a coma. - A rudeness coma? 69 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:11,461 No, a regular coma. 70 00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,591 Oh, my God! Why didn't you open with that? 71 00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:16,757 Please. Your mother needs a kidney. 72 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:20,639 I put her on the donor waiting list, but if you're a match... 73 00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:23,758 Oh. I'm sorry. Of course I would give Mom my kidney. 74 00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:27,056 - Then there's no time to waste... - "Would" give her my kidney. 75 00:04:27,141 --> 00:04:29,941 "Would." You need to work on your listening skills. 76 00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:32,109 I sold my extra kidney just last week. 77 00:04:32,897 --> 00:04:35,937 - Why? - I wanted to buy these sock puppets. 78 00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:40,355 You sold your kidney for... I'm sorry I came. 79 00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:41,986 If you'd like to visit your mother... 80 00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:45,033 Wait. What if instead of visiting my mother, 81 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,658 we got my kidney back? 82 00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:50,541 Come on, Ruthie! Field trip to the organ market! 83 00:05:01,090 --> 00:05:03,700 - Princess Carolyn, this is a catastrophe. - You know it. 84 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,849 This strike has shut down the whole city! 85 00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:07,430 Assistants want respect? 86 00:05:07,510 --> 00:05:09,260 If we respect them, how are we supposed to work 87 00:05:09,290 --> 00:05:10,685 through our rage issues? 88 00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:13,648 On our spouses and children? That doesn't seem fair. 89 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,570 There's gotta be a better way! 90 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:19,028 Uh, maybe we could circumvent giving the assistants what they want 91 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,150 by giving them what they think they want. 92 00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:23,487 You know, like how we satiate TV creators 93 00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:26,123 by giving them little vanity cards at the end of episodes, 94 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,940 then sell the shows to streaming networks 95 00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:29,250 that auto-skip the end credits 96 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,459 so no one even sees the vanity cards! 97 00:05:31,539 --> 00:05:33,829 Yeah, yeah, that's good. But what do assistants want? 98 00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:36,036 iTunes gift cards? Amazon gift cards? 99 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:38,667 I honestly can't think of another thing an assistant would want. 100 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:39,795 When I was an assistant, 101 00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:42,631 the only thing I wanted was not to be an assistant anymore. 102 00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:44,387 Princess Carolyn, I'll say to you 103 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:46,349 what I said to David Levy when we were developing 104 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:48,809 The Addams Family and brainstorming ancillary characters, 105 00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,770 like cousins and whatnot: That's It! 106 00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:59,315 - Hey! Sad dog! - Ha-ha! You know it! 107 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:03,450 Wow. Mr. Peanutbutter and Joey Pogo in the same room? 108 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:07,369 What is this? Two days ago when I almost hit you with my car? 109 00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,620 No! That was outside! 110 00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,952 Listen, I've been trying to get in touch with you. 111 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:14,498 I got a call from this mental health advocacy group. 112 00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:17,592 Those guys are jizzin' their pants over your heroic admission 113 00:06:17,668 --> 00:06:18,878 of your struggle with depression, 114 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,455 and they wanna help you share your story with the world. 115 00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:22,797 The world, huh? 116 00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:26,222 I wanted to set up a meeting, but my assistant went on strike, 117 00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:29,432 and phones, for me, are, like, what? 118 00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:31,644 Even if you had your assistant, it wouldn't do any good. 119 00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:33,734 My reps' assistants are all on strike, too. 120 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:36,810 Oh, bummer. Guess there's no way to get in touch then. 121 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,606 Too bad. I'd love to get together. 122 00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,863 Goodbye, fancy room. 123 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:46,525 Goodbye, chair. Goodbye, Stinky Susan. 124 00:06:46,614 --> 00:06:47,664 Huh? 125 00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:51,445 - Where to? - Um... 126 00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:53,749 Home, I... I guess. 127 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:02,045 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey! Stop the car. Let me out here. 128 00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,170 Wow, already stopping for a drink? 129 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,217 Thank you, your commentary is very helpful. 130 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,340 Five stars, though, right? 131 00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:17,273 - Doctor Champ, what are you doing? - Okay. 132 00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:20,983 This mood about "never have another drop of alcohol again?" 133 00:07:21,065 --> 00:07:23,395 - Are we sure about this? - Okay, Doctor Champ, clearly, you... 134 00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:26,074 I'm sitting here, like, whatever happened to moderation, buddy? 135 00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,914 So, you're telling me the guiding philosophy 136 00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:32,199 of the six months of rehab I just paid for is complete bullshit? 137 00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:34,540 Hey, man, it works for you, it works for you. 138 00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:37,920 As for me? Uh, check, please! 139 00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:40,292 No, that's a figure of speech. I don't want the check. 140 00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,956 Please replenish me with another mar-gar. 141 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,675 Howdy, howdy! 142 00:07:51,762 --> 00:07:54,392 Welcome to Mike and Morgan's House of Organs! 143 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,394 We handle all your matters, from keyboards to bladders. 144 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,897 Mike, give it a rest. 145 00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:02,938 - What's with all the boxes? - We're going out of business. 146 00:08:02,990 --> 00:08:04,004 Oh, no! 147 00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:06,565 I told you we should just stick to the pianos. 148 00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:09,202 You wanted to expand into body parts. 149 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,990 You printed the sign that said, 150 00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:14,453 "For all your organ needs." I was just trying to keep us honest. 151 00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,745 Judging from the foolishness of your business plan, 152 00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:18,249 I assume you don't keep records, 153 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,041 but we're trying to track down my son's kidney. 154 00:08:20,124 --> 00:08:24,000 Oh... Sorry, all our kidneys went to Chicago. 155 00:08:24,020 --> 00:08:25,520 Jeremiah Whitewhale bought us out. 156 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:29,929 - Of Whitewhale Industries? Why? - He's stockpiling organs 157 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,969 because he's a rich old guy who wants to live forever. 158 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:35,969 Oh, no! 159 00:08:36,050 --> 00:08:37,920 Well, this was a pointless excursion. 160 00:08:37,940 --> 00:08:39,187 I'm heading back to the hospital. 161 00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:41,058 I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful. 162 00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:44,895 No. It's my fault for expecting anything different. 163 00:08:47,109 --> 00:08:48,739 Can we offer you anything on your way out? 164 00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:50,529 You want a Wurlitzer or a spleen 165 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:53,703 or an industrial-sized tub of general anesthesia? 166 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,123 Yeah, give me the anesthesia. 167 00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,370 You could sneak in during the party 168 00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:02,325 as long as nobody's estranged husband who's a cop is visiting. 169 00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:03,876 Holiday party, huh? 170 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,630 - What? Where am I? - You're in Chicago! 171 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:09,302 - Hi, I'm Diane. This is Guy. - How you doin'? 172 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,512 Oh! Are you ready for introductions or are you still processing 173 00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:13,972 the whole being kidnapped across state lines? 174 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,223 I'm sorry, what? 175 00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:17,354 We're breaking into the Whitewhale building. 176 00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:19,891 - Why? - To get back my kidney and save Mom 177 00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:22,766 and prove to you that I'm not just a wacky screw-up 178 00:09:22,853 --> 00:09:26,073 who engages primarily in goofy whimsical mess-arounds. 179 00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:28,898 - How did you get me on the plane? - We did a Weekend at Bernie's. 180 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:33,236 As I was saying, 181 00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:35,412 tonight's the Whitewhale employee holiday party. 182 00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:38,121 Security will be tight, but you can use my employee ID to get in, 183 00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:39,912 because I'm technically still on the payroll. 184 00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:42,286 Wait, you didn't quit? We haven't worked there in months. 185 00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:44,583 Nobody's noticed! They keep sending me checks. 186 00:09:44,660 --> 00:09:47,240 Cashing them is my way of very gradually taking down the man 187 00:09:47,260 --> 00:09:48,270 from the inside. 188 00:09:48,290 --> 00:09:50,400 Hey. C... can we sidebar for a minute? 189 00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:52,304 Is this really the best use of your time? 190 00:09:52,380 --> 00:09:53,500 You've been beating yourself up 191 00:09:53,530 --> 00:09:55,183 about how slowly the book's going. So... 192 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,431 But the book is about me and my life, so by living my life, 193 00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:00,314 I am in fact working on the book. 194 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,351 You don't have to write this book if you don't want to. 195 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,435 Of course I want to. 196 00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:06,559 Okay. I'm just saying, since you started, you've been pretty down. 197 00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,567 - Not yourself. Diane... - Actually, pretty down is myself. 198 00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:11,570 Can we talk about this later? We're being rude. 199 00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:13,742 Why don't you offer them one of your fancy beers? 200 00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:17,655 So, all we need to do is get into the party, 201 00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:21,952 figure out where the kidneys are, find my kidney, and sneak out, 202 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:24,168 all without drawing attention to ourselves. 203 00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,878 And be careful, because if Jeremiah Whitewhale catches you, 204 00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:28,459 he can legally murder you. 205 00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:30,631 Now, can I get anyone an imperial stout? 206 00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:32,300 The barley was from Portland, Maine, 207 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:33,763 but the brewery is in Portland, Oregon! 208 00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:35,131 This plan is ludicrous. 209 00:10:35,217 --> 00:10:37,467 Hey, maybe instead of criticizing everything 210 00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:40,313 like you've done my entire life, you can get on board? 211 00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:41,429 It's gonna work out. 212 00:10:41,515 --> 00:10:43,635 Things don't just work out, Todd! 213 00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,596 Of course they do! I don't know why you're so negative! 214 00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:47,897 Do you want to help Mom, 215 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,860 or do you wanna just go back to the hospital and wait? 216 00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:54,151 Okay. I'm in. 217 00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:59,000 I don't feel comfortable negotiating 218 00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:00,446 without my fellow assistants present. 219 00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:01,831 Yeah. This is not about that. 220 00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,871 Good, because our demands haven't changed. 221 00:11:03,950 --> 00:11:06,160 Casey, it's been so thrilling 222 00:11:06,180 --> 00:11:08,650 to see you grow into your role as strike captain. 223 00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:11,540 You know, there's an opening at my company 224 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:12,879 for a development exec. 225 00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:14,553 I don't suppose you'd be interested? 226 00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,182 Oh! Uh... 227 00:11:16,592 --> 00:11:18,552 I'd have to think about it. I've never rea... 228 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,216 You'd get overpaid to read scripts, 229 00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:23,064 company credit card, and a parking spot in the good garage. 230 00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:25,690 - Um... - Plus, your own assistant. 231 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:29,192 An... assistant? 232 00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:30,750 That is, of course, 233 00:11:30,770 --> 00:11:32,500 if the strike ends. 234 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:35,862 Well, that's a very generous offer, 235 00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:38,025 but I'd have to talk it over with my colleagues. 236 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,124 Why? Those are assistants. 237 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:43,489 You're not one of them anymore. You're one of us. 238 00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:45,828 It's a two-year contract. 239 00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:48,213 Sign right there and your troubles are over. 240 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,638 What's so funny? 241 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,352 I was just remembering a funny joke, unrelated to this. 242 00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:06,813 Can you tell me what it is? 243 00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,812 You wouldn't get it. It's about Zsa Zsa Gabor, 244 00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,024 and it's no longer appropriate in today's climate. 245 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,225 You've made the right decision. You're gonna love the new job. 246 00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:15,775 - Welcome to the team, Stacey. - It's Case... 247 00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:20,027 Hmm... 248 00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,405 Hey! 249 00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:26,582 Sign here to run development 250 00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:30,502 for Saoirse Ronan's production company, Saoirse and Rescue. 251 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:33,460 Mm-hmm. 252 00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,379 I can't be an assistant anymore! 253 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,675 Shirley MacLaine threw a cactus at my head 254 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,759 because I set a meeting with the wrong Steve McQueen! 255 00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:46,265 How was I supposed to know she meant the dead one? 256 00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:50,638 Shh. It's okay. Just sign here and orchestrate your own great escape. 257 00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:55,857 Ooh. 258 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:02,567 Okay, I'm going in. 259 00:13:02,656 --> 00:13:05,486 Todd, promise me you'll be perspicacious in there. 260 00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:06,906 Perspicacious? 261 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,214 I don't know the meaning of the word. 262 00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,001 - You're Diane? - Yes! 263 00:13:14,084 --> 00:13:15,964 - Nguyen? - That is correct! 264 00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,545 I find that hard to believe. 265 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,300 Wow, that's racist. 266 00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:21,971 People don't always look like their last names. 267 00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:26,311 For example, I'm white, and my last name is Chavez. 268 00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,274 I thought your last name was Nguyen. 269 00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:32,939 - Oh! Uh, yeah, it is! Todd Nguyen. - Not Diane Nguyen? 270 00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:34,900 Oh, yeah! Diane Nguyen. 271 00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:39,440 That's me, all right, or my name isn't Todd Chavez. 272 00:13:40,027 --> 00:13:41,567 Well, that was a bust. 273 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:45,574 Okay, this time, you're Diane and I'll be Jorge. 274 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,738 Todd, get in the trash can. 275 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,070 I know I'm a disappointment to you, 276 00:13:49,104 --> 00:13:51,786 but I do not live in a trash can, Jorge, 277 00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:54,422 and I haven't for several years now! Hey! 278 00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:01,133 Uh... What? Sorry, I... 279 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,635 Oh. No Espa? ol? 280 00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:08,505 Uh... go ahead. 281 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:15,100 Wow, that was amazing! 282 00:14:15,133 --> 00:14:17,725 No. That was logical and straightforward. 283 00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:24,906 - Another club soda, please. - Nerd! 284 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,619 Doctor Champ, what is your plan? 285 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,579 Just gotta drink enough to be steady. 286 00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:31,329 Then, you take me back to Pastiches and keep me out of trouble. 287 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,230 That way, you don't have to go home 288 00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:35,002 and I can be a good therapy horse. 289 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,100 All my clients get sober, I am a winner, 290 00:14:37,130 --> 00:14:39,092 put my picture on a magazine. 291 00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,549 Look, I can't let you go back there drunk. 292 00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:46,050 You don't care about me! You're scared of this guy. 293 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:50,393 You can't help anybody else unless you're honest with yourself. 294 00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:53,022 - Know what I mean? - No. I never know what you mean. 295 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,940 In fact, maybe I wouldn't be so scared 296 00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,149 if you'd given me real therapy over the last six months 297 00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:59,519 instead of just plying me with folksy aphorisms. 298 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,777 I'm not a therapist! I'm a therapy horse, 299 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,570 a subtle but legally important distinction. 300 00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:07,320 Besides, you wouldn't accept real therapy from me. 301 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,660 - Oh, and why's that? - Gee, I don't know, 302 00:15:09,690 --> 00:15:11,079 maybe because I'm a horse, 303 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,370 so I remind you of your father, 304 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:15,793 so you simultaneously resent me and crave my approval, 305 00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,633 an approval which, ironically, if granted... 306 00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,168 Yeah, I would dismiss immediately 307 00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:21,841 and then use as an excuse to resent you even more, what's your point? 308 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,580 My point is, you're stunted from having healthy relationships 309 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,051 with horses, idiot! 310 00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:27,723 Oh, really? Well, if that were true, 311 00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,971 I would have almost no other horses in my life. 312 00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,224 Right, it's almost as if all your friends 313 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:35,136 and loved ones are humans or dogs or cats... 314 00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,555 But then how do you explain the one horse I do care about, 315 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:40,225 my half-sister Hollyhock, who is also a reminder of my father? 316 00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:43,284 If your theory were true, wouldn't I keep her at arms' length, 317 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:45,890 desperate for her to love me but unwilling to be vulnerable enough 318 00:15:45,910 --> 00:15:46,920 to allow her to hurt me? 319 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,066 You blockhead, she's not your father! 320 00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:53,156 Hollyhock reminds you of the horse you hate the most. Yourself! 321 00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:54,453 Okay, you got me! 322 00:15:54,536 --> 00:15:57,326 My parents gave me an internalized self-hatred of horses. 323 00:15:57,414 --> 00:16:00,134 So, my horse body is a prison that I can never escape. 324 00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:01,749 This manifests in rotten behavior 325 00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:04,245 because I subconsciously believe I deserve to be punished, 326 00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:07,383 but being famous, I'm never punished, so I act out even more. 327 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:10,086 And since this pattern is so woven into my identity, 328 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,860 it is unfathomable to me that it can ever be curbed, 329 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,177 so instead, I drink! 330 00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,180 Uh... Check, please! 331 00:16:16,260 --> 00:16:17,900 So, the only way I can progress is to return 332 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:18,936 to my life as a sober man 333 00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:22,059 and finally hold myself accountable for my actions, past and future. 334 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,477 Oh, my God, is this what therapy is? 335 00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,316 Why do you keep bringing me checks? 336 00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:30,034 Uh... Doctor Champ? 337 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,277 Wow. 338 00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:35,658 Sorry, folks! 339 00:16:35,744 --> 00:16:37,084 This floor's off-limits. 340 00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,832 - Oh, but... - Oh, thank God you're here! 341 00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:41,584 I saw someone at the buffet putting ketchup on a hot dog. 342 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,457 What? Not in my town! 343 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,468 - Wow, you are really good at this. - Let's go. 344 00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:51,929 Ooh, wow. Hmm. 345 00:16:52,460 --> 00:16:55,060 Oh, look. People who selected kidneys 346 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,769 might also enjoy small intestines. 347 00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,690 Just the kidney. We don't need to be up-sold on other innards. 348 00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:02,019 Yes, sir. 349 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,070 Thank you for... this. 350 00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:10,491 Uh. Once your mother is okay, we will never bother you again. 351 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:13,161 - I know that's what you want. - Why would I want that? 352 00:17:15,492 --> 00:17:18,702 - You never understood me. - I raised you as my own flesh. 353 00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:21,497 I was tough on you because I expected big things from you. 354 00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,082 You weren't tough. You were mean. 355 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,167 - Because the world is mean! - Not my world! 356 00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:27,132 I wanted so much for you, Todd. 357 00:17:27,210 --> 00:17:29,800 I wanted to push you to be your best self. 358 00:17:29,820 --> 00:17:31,432 I see now that I failed you. 359 00:17:31,508 --> 00:17:34,298 But you didn't fail me because I am not a failure. 360 00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:36,176 Look... Okay, Todd. 361 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:40,479 Why do you need to be proud of me on your terms? 362 00:17:40,550 --> 00:17:43,120 Why can't you see I'm living a good life? 363 00:17:43,140 --> 00:17:44,300 I have friends. I have a job... 364 00:17:44,340 --> 00:17:47,070 You sleep on the couch and you play with puppets all day. 365 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:50,029 I'm happy, Jorge. What more do you want from me? 366 00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,610 I want to know that you're okay! 367 00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:54,025 Then why haven't you called in ten years? 368 00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:57,124 You don't think I wanted to? I'm not the one who... 369 00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:58,868 What? 370 00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:01,658 She loves you, your mother. 371 00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:05,125 But she's very proud. If you called her, she would talk to you. 372 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:09,053 Well, she can't talk now because she's in a coma, right? 373 00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:10,459 Yeah. 374 00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:15,389 What are they talking about? 375 00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:19,394 Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit. 376 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,813 Chavezes! You got company! 377 00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,482 Get out of there now! Do you read me? 378 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,480 Hello? Hello? 379 00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:28,479 Diane? Why is there a walkie-talkie in our kitchen? 380 00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:30,072 - God damn it! - Uh... 381 00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:34,200 Excuse me? This garage is for shopping center customers only. 382 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,409 Okay, fine, I'll buy a pretzel. 383 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:39,580 - Or you could just leave. - No, now I want the pretzel. 384 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:43,160 Hey, Diane, get me a pretzel, too, please. Love you, okay? 385 00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:45,867 Someone's coming. We have to go. 386 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:47,753 I'm not going until I get my kidney. 387 00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,245 - Todd, this is serious. - Yes, I understand. 388 00:18:50,337 --> 00:18:51,587 You are very serious. 389 00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:54,682 You read serious books and listen to Sirius XM. 390 00:18:54,758 --> 00:18:55,878 We have to go right now. 391 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,928 - Hey! - Why do you always fight me? 392 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,848 Why do you always try to make me leave places? 393 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:02,912 Hey! 394 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:04,433 Stay right where you are! 395 00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:08,229 Whoa! 396 00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:10,569 Um... 397 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:21,286 Uh, I'm sure the other assistants will be here any minute. 398 00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:23,368 Traffic's real bad because of the rain. 399 00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:25,253 No one else is coming, Stuart. 400 00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:28,380 - Uh... because of the rain? - They got promoted. 401 00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:29,498 Your ranks are divided. 402 00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:32,295 Your leadership has abandoned you. Face it, the strike is over. 403 00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:34,971 Whoa. Okay. 404 00:19:35,048 --> 00:19:36,758 We've drawn up a new collective agreement. 405 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,200 You get none of the things you asked for 406 00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:39,512 and you start work again Monday. 407 00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:40,795 Sounds fair. 408 00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:44,306 If I sign this, does that mean I get a promotion, too? 409 00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:47,641 Sure, Stuart. Someday. 410 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,230 Princess Carolyn, I'd love to give you a raise, 411 00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:52,935 but you're thinking like an assistant. 412 00:19:53,020 --> 00:19:55,300 Any day now, you're gonna get promoted 413 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,301 to agent and sign a brand-new contract, 414 00:19:58,322 --> 00:20:02,452 so why are you concerning yourself with these assistantly trifles? 415 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,914 You really think I have what it takes to be an agent? 416 00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:08,745 Someday, sure! But for now, you're my assistant, 417 00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:10,632 and since you've got a similar build 418 00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:13,209 to the angry lady I fell on at the post office, 419 00:20:13,290 --> 00:20:16,320 I need you to try on these apology bikinis 420 00:20:16,350 --> 00:20:19,005 and report back where they pinch. 421 00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:21,052 You got it, boss. 422 00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:22,678 Oh. 423 00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:25,893 - Um... - Stuart, don't sign that! 424 00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:28,564 I just remembered there's a typo on page 12! 425 00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:31,694 Instead of "billable hours," I wrote, "Billy Bob showers!" 426 00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,362 Ooh, that's not gonna fly, P.C. 427 00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,863 That guy hasn't showered since Bad Santa. 428 00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:38,783 Man Who Wasn't There? More like "Man Who Doesn't Wash There." 429 00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,822 Sling Blade? More like "Please Bathe!" 430 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:45,116 Monster's Ball? More like "Monster Balls." Great actor, though. 431 00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,622 Let me fix up a new version 432 00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:48,413 and you can come back and sign it tomorrow. 433 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:49,957 I'll walk you to your car. 434 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,380 Well, this is my car. 435 00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:58,633 - Really? - No. I don't own a car. 436 00:20:58,715 --> 00:21:00,925 So why did we walk three blocks in the rain? 437 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:04,429 I panicked! I've never been in charge of where to go before! 438 00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:07,103 You're clearly out of your depth in these negotiations. 439 00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,312 Take this number. 440 00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:11,732 Wow. This a lot of money, Princess Carolyn. 441 00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:14,522 That's not an offer, it's a phone number! 442 00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:16,443 Oh... 443 00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:20,281 Can you drive me home? 444 00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,567 - Officer, I... - Sir, did this man attack you? 445 00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:26,988 - What? No. - You can tell me if he attacked you. 446 00:21:27,070 --> 00:21:29,040 Hey! Keep your hands where I can see 'em. 447 00:21:29,070 --> 00:21:31,497 Look, this is all a misunderstanding. 448 00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:34,081 I'm just trying to take this kidney back to my mom. 449 00:21:34,167 --> 00:21:36,340 Whitewhale's got like a hundred of these. 450 00:21:36,386 --> 00:21:37,877 He won't even miss this one. 451 00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:40,763 Well, aren't you a little scamp. 452 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,471 Oh, stop! 453 00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:43,721 What? 454 00:21:46,763 --> 00:21:51,483 Armageddon? More like "Arma-gettin' Away From This Stinky Guy!" 455 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,770 What the... ? Hey, who's in my chair? 456 00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:56,729 Mr. Turteltaub, I thought our meeting was at 9 a.m. 457 00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:58,775 - It appears to be 9:03. - Hello. 458 00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:01,067 If you're serious about negotiating, 459 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:03,663 it's imprudent to send the message you don't respect our time. 460 00:22:03,947 --> 00:22:05,867 To start these negotiations on the right foot, 461 00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:08,369 I suggest we adjourn for the day and start in earnest tomorrow. 462 00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:10,872 - On schedule? - Um... 463 00:22:11,204 --> 00:22:13,714 - Okay? - Fabulous. Princess Carolyn. 464 00:22:13,790 --> 00:22:14,830 Judah. 465 00:22:15,292 --> 00:22:19,002 - What the shell was that? - Let the negotiations begin. 466 00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:29,724 Todd, I, uh... owe you an apology. 467 00:22:29,806 --> 00:22:31,976 Oh? 468 00:22:32,059 --> 00:22:35,769 I know I was hard on you when you were growing up, 469 00:22:35,937 --> 00:22:37,397 but I was trying to protect you. 470 00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,271 Nothing came easy for me. 471 00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:43,488 It took hard work, focus, discipline to get me where I am today. 472 00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:45,910 Things didn't just work out. 473 00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:49,329 But I should have you're white. 474 00:22:49,951 --> 00:22:51,501 I forgive you. 475 00:22:51,550 --> 00:22:52,583 She's awake. 476 00:22:52,662 --> 00:22:56,422 Do you wanna come say hello? I'm sure she would love to see you. 477 00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:59,040 Well, she has my number. 478 00:22:59,127 --> 00:23:01,167 - That's cold, Todd. - What do you expect? 479 00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:03,094 I'm a Chavez, right? 480 00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:06,550 Hmm... 481 00:23:10,972 --> 00:23:13,852 - Huh? Where am I? - You're at Partridges, 482 00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:16,024 the rehab clinic founded by Danny Bonaduce. 483 00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:17,170 What about Pastiches? 484 00:23:17,204 --> 00:23:18,863 I told them I was checking you in here. 485 00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:19,939 Why would you do that? 486 00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:22,153 Those people need me to be an example of success. 487 00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:25,069 You can't help anybody else unless you're honest with yourself. 488 00:23:25,278 --> 00:23:28,028 - A wise man told me that. - Who? What wise man? 489 00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:30,235 You did. I was being poetic and you ruined it. 490 00:23:30,325 --> 00:23:32,445 Well, don't listen to me. I'm a drunk! 491 00:23:32,536 --> 00:23:34,786 Yeah. But the first step is admitting it. 492 00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:38,581 You've destroyed me. I can never go back to Pastiches now. 493 00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:40,460 My husband will leave me. 494 00:23:40,540 --> 00:23:42,380 I promised him I would never drink again 495 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:43,714 after what happened to our daughter. 496 00:23:43,797 --> 00:23:45,877 Uh... What happened to your daughter? 497 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,620 You know nothing of my life 498 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:49,966 and you think you know what's best for me? 499 00:23:50,053 --> 00:23:52,143 The only reason I got drunk in the first place 500 00:23:52,222 --> 00:23:54,022 is because of your contraband vodka! 501 00:23:54,090 --> 00:23:55,620 Well, yes, technically, that's true. 502 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,248 Of course you did this to me. 503 00:23:57,436 --> 00:23:59,306 Because I cared about you. 504 00:23:59,396 --> 00:24:02,066 And you ruin people who care about you. 505 00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:04,107 Well, best of luck. 506 00:24:04,270 --> 00:24:06,420 I want you to remember this, BoJack. 507 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,840 I want you to remember what you did to me. 508 00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:14,492 I remember everything. I'm sober now. 509 00:24:45,490 --> 00:24:50,490 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - www.addic7ed.com ...