1 00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:08,925 Hey, it's Hollyhock. 2 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:12,053 Leave a message, if you're a hundred. 3 00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:13,054 Hey, Hollyhock. 4 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,807 Um, you still haven't returned my last call, which is fine. 5 00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:18,143 I just... I know you're going back to school soon, 6 00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:21,146 and you should know I won't be there. 7 00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:24,357 Because of... everything you've probably heard about. 8 00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:27,610 So, if you were worried you'd have to see me, you won't. 9 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,070 But I would love to talk. 10 00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:31,448 It's BoJack. 11 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:38,413 Welcome to Burritos and Mo! Home of burritos and much, much mo! 12 00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:42,375 - Give me a large number three. - Oh, my God. Ellie! Look at the monitor. 13 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:45,003 It's fricking BoJack Horseman. Don't worry, I muted it. 14 00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:48,256 - He looks like crap. - Yeah. His tie is all loosened up, 15 00:00:48,339 --> 00:00:51,009 which is like the universal sign for having a shitty day. 16 00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:53,529 Probably because he just came from court. It's all over the news. 17 00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:56,639 He just settled with Sarah Lynn's family for five million dollars. 18 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,243 Makes sense. He seemed like a real psycho in that interview 19 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,867 - he did a few months back. - Yeah. Guys. 20 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,205 I'm surprised he'd still wanna show his face in public. 21 00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:04,540 - Hey! - His face is everywhere. 22 00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,191 - The cover of every magazine. - Okay. 23 00:01:06,274 --> 00:01:08,985 Even got the number-one slot for Hundred Most Hatted Men. 24 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,112 - No, it... - Most Hatted Men? What is that? 25 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:13,823 List of men in hats, I guess. He was wearing a fedora. 26 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,116 It was Most Hated Men! 27 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,320 What? 28 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:19,287 It was the Hundred Most Hated Men, it was a newsboy cap, 29 00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:21,130 and I can hear everything you've been saying! 30 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:22,415 Uh... 31 00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:25,710 - Get his bags, Ellie! - You said you muted it! 32 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:32,300 - Have a burrito-ful day! - Hey! You suck, asshole! 33 00:02:31,359 --> 00:02:33,629 I don't think it's wise to be burning Bridges at this juncture. 34 00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:35,530 I'm sorry, just don't like Beau. 35 00:02:35,613 --> 00:02:37,115 - Greetings, strangers! - Maude? 36 00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:38,741 That's what they want you to think! 37 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,911 I'm Maude's twin sister Fergus, we have never met before, 38 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,831 and I'd be delighted to accept a job at this company. 39 00:02:44,914 --> 00:02:47,333 - What? - As you know, I have 12 children. 40 00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:49,669 What sort of day care services do you provide here? 41 00:02:49,752 --> 00:02:52,046 Has this ever happened to you? 42 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,590 Todd? At the office? 43 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,675 Can we wrap whatever this is up? 44 00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:57,886 I'm supposed to head over to the "Birthday Dad" set. 45 00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,554 I wanna run a day care at VIM! 46 00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:02,932 I've mastered the art of looking at one baby and I'm ready for more. 47 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,185 You do have several employees with children. 48 00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:06,828 If you employ Todd through the company, 49 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:09,272 you could offer him a raise and still save money on taxes. 50 00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:10,190 Great. It's done. 51 00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:12,901 Hooray! Corporate tax loophole! 52 00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,944 Plus, we can carpool to the office. 53 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:19,157 Which leads me to my next point. I am moving out to live with Maude. 54 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,784 It's me! It's Maude. I don't really have a twin sister. 55 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,662 Hey, that's fantastic! Where are you moving to? 56 00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:25,747 Um... 57 00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:28,833 - You can stay here! Live with me forever! - Cut! 58 00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:31,461 The line is, "Thank you for the birthday pizza. 59 00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:32,795 Today, I am your dad." 60 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,173 - Oh, sorry! - Let's take five? 61 00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:38,218 - Hey, champ. Everything okay? - I'm just distracted. 62 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:41,763 Ever since Pickles left, I've been so lonely in that big, empty house. 63 00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:44,891 I've always had a wife or a girlfriend, someone to take care of. 64 00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:46,851 Princess Carolyn, you're perpetually alone. 65 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,979 - How do you manage? - One day at a time, buddy. 66 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:52,124 I went to the doctor to see if he could make me feel better, 67 00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:54,108 he said, "You should check out this Internet meme, 68 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,444 it always cheers me up: Sad Dog." 69 00:03:56,527 --> 00:04:00,365 And I said, "But Doctor, I am Sad Dog." 70 00:04:01,115 --> 00:04:04,953 Guys, I'm really sorry this keeps happening. 71 00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:08,915 When I got home, I found my wife and daughter had moved out. 72 00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:10,708 All they left behind was this picture. 73 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,419 - Okay. Rude. - Shh! 74 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,797 It's the stock photo that came in the frame. 75 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:21,302 My wife kept asking me to put in a picture of our family, but I was always too drunk. 76 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:24,097 But because of all of you and my sponsor Leo, 77 00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:27,183 I'm no longer just the man who's not in this picture. 78 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:31,646 I'm a different, better man who is also not in this picture. 79 00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:33,022 Who's next? 80 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,320 - Um, okay, I'll speak. - Ugh. 81 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,406 Things have been pretty brutal for me lately. 82 00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:43,032 - Most people hate me... - Mm-hmm. 83 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,910 I just lost five million dollars, so that's not great. 84 00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:49,163 Could probably use a Leo of my own right about now. 85 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,582 Wow, tough room. 86 00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:54,961 This AA meeting is a tough room. 87 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,886 Hey, I'll be your sponsor. 88 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:05,179 Oh! Um... 89 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:07,056 I know what you're thinking, "Vance Waggoner? 90 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,641 That guy's gonna be my sponsor? 91 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:11,436 The guy Charlie Sheen once called 'a little much'?" 92 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:13,062 - Uh... - "Vance Waggoner? 93 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,982 That guy's got more domestic assault convictions than Sean Penn!" 94 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,108 And now you're thinking, 95 00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:19,402 "Did Sean Penn get convicted of domestic assault 96 00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:21,380 or was it just alleged? I gotta look that up later." 97 00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:22,804 - I'm sure... - Now you're thinking, 98 00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:25,742 "Why would someone this cool and put-together wanna sponsor me, 99 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:28,036 - dumb slob BoJack Horseman?" - That's not... 100 00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:31,789 Wait. I've been where you've been, BoJack. And everyone abandoned me. 101 00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:35,084 If you need someone to talk to, give me a call, okay? 102 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:39,672 My number is 555-555-8008. 103 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,966 Because sometimes life turns you upside-down, 104 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:47,430 and when you're upside-down, my number is boobs. 105 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:53,853 Hello? 106 00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:55,772 Diane! How are the revisions going? 107 00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:58,941 Good! Usually at this stage I hate everything I've ever written 108 00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:02,904 and I feel like a worthless hack, but this book actually isn't terrible. 109 00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:05,406 Great, so when can we expect the not-terrible sequel, 110 00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:08,117 "Ivy Tran Two: A Tran for All Seasons"? 111 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,788 I don't know, Ivy Tran was fun but I'm a grown-up writer. 112 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,671 There are other things I wanna write. Did you know Eleanor Roosevelt... 113 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,085 - Interesting. - I didn't even tell you the thing. 114 00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,754 I know. I was interested in you not telling me. 115 00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:20,963 Okay, good bit. 116 00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:21,923 In the meantime, 117 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,676 if you're interested in writing books that people actually read, 118 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,389 you'll get to work on "Ivy Tran Two: Last Tran to Clarksville." 119 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,307 - Eleanor Roosevelt once... - Interesting! 120 00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:38,106 And those congressional turd-weasels 121 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:41,734 actually called this legislation the "Anti-Corruption Bill!" 122 00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:44,362 That's like if BoJack Horseman wore a T-shirt that said, 123 00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:47,615 "I am not a ginormous dick-weasel!" 124 00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:49,826 Hey, that is an unfair drive-by! 125 00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:53,121 Now, I know this Photoshop is not up to our program's usual standards, 126 00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:55,081 but in our graphic department's defense, 127 00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:58,584 none of them could spend ten minutes looking at this ass-weasel 128 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:01,087 without their uteruses literally throwing up. 129 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:02,755 Ugh! 130 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:05,925 Yes? 131 00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:08,010 BoJack, it's your very good accountant Gaz. 132 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:10,471 - I'm here with... - Your very good lawyer Chaz! 133 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:11,931 Okay. 134 00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:14,767 The good news is the Sarah Lynn settlement isn't gonna kill us. 135 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:15,726 What's the bad news? 136 00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:18,604 The bad news is you're being sued for a hundred million dollars. 137 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,648 - What? - Remember in your interview, 138 00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:24,986 when you disparagingly referred to yourself as "a Xerox of a Xerox"? 139 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:26,904 The Xerox Corporation did not appreciate 140 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,282 being implicated in your untoward behavior. 141 00:07:29,365 --> 00:07:32,660 Just so I'm clear, Sarah Lynn's death cost me five million dollars, 142 00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:36,372 but saying something bad about a brand is gonna cost me a hundred million? 143 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,833 When you frame it that way, it almost seems comical! 144 00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:40,168 But it is not comical, 145 00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:43,254 because a hundred million dollars is a lot of money you do not have. 146 00:07:43,337 --> 00:07:44,505 Okay, so what's the move? 147 00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,175 Funny you should mention "move." 148 00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,418 Your accountant told me you wanted to sell your house? 149 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,971 - Okay, I'm gonna call you back. - So, I sold your house! 150 00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:54,390 Wow-ee! It looks better than the pictures! 151 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,350 - You sold my house? - Golly, are you...? 152 00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:58,074 Sylvester Stallion. From the Rocky movies. 153 00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,771 Oh! Hey, you kids wanna go check out the pool? 154 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,374 - Yeah! - I love my new life! 155 00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:03,232 You sold my house? 156 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:07,862 I found this sweet, sweet family from Ohio whose kid just got cast in a movie! 157 00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:09,798 I wanted to make sure the ink dried on the mortgage 158 00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:12,992 before they find out the movie's being shot in Saskatchewan. 159 00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:13,993 So, where do I go? 160 00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:16,120 What do I look like, a real estate agent? 161 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,289 - Wait. - Yeah? 162 00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:19,499 Your mail came. 163 00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:22,543 - Now leave. You're harshing the buzz. - But... 164 00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:29,257 Huh? 165 00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:49,612 - Well, I'm all moved in. - Me too. 166 00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:54,617 Wow! Got a promotion and my own apartment all in the same day. 167 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:59,163 - I never realized my boyfriend was butter. - You're right. I am on a roll! 168 00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,540 What should I do next? 169 00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:04,752 Chavez residence, this is Jorge. Please state the purpose of your call 170 00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:07,129 so I can most appropriately modulate my tone. 171 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,423 Hey, it's Todd. Is Mom there? 172 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,300 Ah! Todd! Yes. 173 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,095 Oh. She's resting at the moment. Can I take a message? 174 00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:17,890 I just wanted her to know that I don't have anything to prove to her, 175 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:20,643 but I got a new job and an apartment, 176 00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:23,312 so if I did have something to prove to her, 177 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,107 - I'd have proven it by now. - Well, that's wonderful, Todd. 178 00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:29,694 Yes. And quite mature. And she won't even talk to me. 179 00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:32,339 - Does she know I'm butter? - I'm glad to hear you're on a roll. 180 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:34,049 We'd love to see your home once you're settled. 181 00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:37,535 What's that supposed to mean? I'm settled! I'm a grown-ass Todd! 182 00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:40,204 - No, I just meant... - I don't need to impress you! 183 00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:42,748 Why don't you come to my fancy, sophisticated 184 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:46,168 housewarming party tomorrow night and see for yourself! 185 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,004 Consider us there. What can we bring? 186 00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,964 Two chairs! 187 00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:52,049 We could throw together a party, right? 188 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,759 Um... 189 00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:55,803 - No. - I need a job. 190 00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:56,762 There are no offers. 191 00:09:56,846 --> 00:10:00,474 - Can you check? Ask around? - I'm checking. I'm asking around. 192 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:04,520 - There are no offers. - But I'm broke and homeless. 193 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,982 I can get you a small role on "Birthday Dad." 194 00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:10,943 Great. Have my pages delivered to me at the Chateau Marmoset. 195 00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:13,529 - You just said you're broke! - And homeless. 196 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,531 You are not staying at a fancy hotel. 197 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,991 Who else would have me? 198 00:10:17,074 --> 00:10:19,827 You could stay here! Live with me forever! 199 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,961 And flip! Morning, sunshine! 200 00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:30,965 I hope I didn't wake you with the delicious smell 201 00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:32,298 of a well-balanced breakfast. 202 00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:35,009 - Less talky. More coffee. - You got it, roomie! 203 00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:37,178 Coffee maker, make! 204 00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:40,640 Took the liberty of doing your laundry and this letter was in your pocket. 205 00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:43,643 Ooh-hoo! A mysterious pen pal! 206 00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,812 Is it a secret admirer or the snowman killer still at large? 207 00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,689 It's from Hollyhock. But... 208 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:51,901 I can't open it. What if she says she never wants to hear from me again? 209 00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:56,155 Or maybe it says "I got rid of my TV three months ago. What's new, BoJack?" 210 00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:57,531 I should just call her. 211 00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,935 If I could talk to her, I feel like I could explain that... 212 00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:03,496 Hey, it's Hollyhock. Leave a message, if you're a hundred. 213 00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:05,665 Hey, Hollyhock. It's me again. 214 00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:08,143 And his good friend and roommate and coworker, Mr. Peanutbutter! 215 00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,710 It's our first day of work together! 216 00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,837 I got your letter and I haven't read it yet, 217 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:13,839 but I'm going to and... 218 00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:17,343 It's really great to hear your voice... your voicemail voice. 219 00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:19,553 Just give me a call. It's BoJack. 220 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:21,722 - Ready to go? - What about this breakfast? 221 00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:25,393 We don't have time for that! You can feed me while I drive, let's go! 222 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,650 Easy. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop! 223 00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:34,694 Hey, Judah. I need your advice. 224 00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:36,946 I'm trying to throw a sophisticated adult party 225 00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:38,072 to impress my parents 226 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:41,325 and I have no furniture or sophisticated adult friends. 227 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:45,413 I'm alarmed. Do you not consider me a sophisticated adult or a friend? 228 00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:48,457 Judah, this is no time for one of your famous Judah tantrums! 229 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,752 Sounds like you need to throw together a scheme in a short amount of time. 230 00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,421 In situations like this, I often think, 231 00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,005 - "What would Todd do?" - And? 232 00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:56,569 He'd probably scour VIM's talent list 233 00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:58,652 for underemployed actors, tell them they've been hired 234 00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,554 for a site-specific immersive theater piece as cosmopolitan partygoers, 235 00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:04,390 invite just enough real friends to lend it an air of legitimacy 236 00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:05,951 and raid the "Birthday Dad" set for furniture. 237 00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:09,270 That's brilliant! Todd, I've done it again! 238 00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:11,647 Let's go, babies! 239 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,608 Uh... Babies. Come on! 240 00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:20,447 War. 241 00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:22,450 And for what? 242 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,869 A couple trophies? A parade? 243 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,121 No. Not for me. 244 00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:29,248 Maybe I'm just a crazy, old birthday person, 245 00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,584 but I think war is bad. 246 00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:35,171 Great job, Mr. Peanutbutter. You're changing hearts and minds. 247 00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,339 Isn't this great? Working together? 248 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,550 For the next take, can we get Dead Body Number Four 249 00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:41,427 to face away from the camera? 250 00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:42,970 - Oh! That's you! - Yeah. 251 00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:45,806 Exciting! 252 00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:47,610 All the way away from the camera. 253 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,978 I can't really breathe. 254 00:12:51,061 --> 00:12:53,314 That's okay. Let's run it again. 255 00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:57,276 Cool dressing room. 256 00:12:57,359 --> 00:12:58,652 And great work on that scene. 257 00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:01,197 You really seemed like a hollowed-out corpse. 258 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,157 Once animated by the fire of life, 259 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:06,952 now consumed by horror and regret, and for what? 260 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:08,138 Great. You wanna get dinner? 261 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:11,207 Oh, I'd love to, buddy, but I have like five more scenes to shoot. 262 00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:15,127 Oh. Of course, yeah. I'll see you back at the house then? 263 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:19,256 Yeah. Oh! I'm probably going to head right to Todd's fancy party after work. 264 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,716 Todd's having a fancy party? 265 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,444 Mr. Peanutbutter, we're ready for the scene 266 00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,970 where you help an American soldier and a Taliban insurgent 267 00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,694 realize they both have the same birthday. 268 00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:29,225 - It's Christmas. - Ugh. 269 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,443 BoJack! 270 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,487 Greetings, cast! 271 00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:42,404 As you know, 272 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:46,200 you have been hired to play urbane, civilized party guests. 273 00:13:46,283 --> 00:13:48,077 So, if at any point tonight 274 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,746 a "member of the audience" tries to talk to you, 275 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,374 please say one of the three following phrases 276 00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:55,918 that elegant adults say all the time: 277 00:13:56,043 --> 00:14:01,215 "I'm starting to think smart phones are actually making us less connected." 278 00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:05,135 - Oh, yeah! - "Well, that's politics for you!" 279 00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:10,808 Or, "Sir, you cannot remove your shoes inside this Applebee's." 280 00:14:10,891 --> 00:14:12,184 Ooh! 281 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,061 - Hey! - Hello. 282 00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,062 What's that? 283 00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:18,607 It's a case of Ass-Jolt, Pickles' favorite alcoholic energy drink. 284 00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:21,402 I don't need them anymore. 285 00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:24,697 - Oh, fish, I forgot a gift. - You have two options. 286 00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:27,199 This sourdough starter or a haiku I wrote on a grain of rice 287 00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:29,368 - and then suspended in a bottle. - Uh... 288 00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,429 Why don't we just say they're both from both of us? 289 00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:32,538 Yeah. 290 00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:36,790 - Ugh. - And you don't wanna open it? 291 00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:39,545 I'm not ready. As long as I don't read it, she's still in my life. 292 00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:42,590 It's good to have people that remind us why we stay sober. 293 00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:44,300 That's what my daughter is for me. 294 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:48,846 Here's your sandwich. Chef made it just for you. 295 00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:50,848 Hmph, hmph, hmph. 296 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:54,101 Okay, do I have a horn? 297 00:14:54,184 --> 00:14:57,062 Because everybody keeps looking at me like I'm some kind of freak. 298 00:14:57,146 --> 00:15:00,274 Well, if you've got a horn, you're the ugliest unicorn I ever saw. 299 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,443 You'd be kicked out of the unicorn kingdom 300 00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:06,030 because you couldn't get a date to the marshmallow cotillion. 301 00:15:06,113 --> 00:15:09,033 Yeah, or because I snorted up all the magic fairy glitter. 302 00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,493 "This summer: Dumbass Unicorn." 303 00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:14,496 That's so stupid. No, that's exactly what they'd do. 304 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:18,292 It would be like "Nasty Unicorn: The Unicorn Who Parties." 305 00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:20,502 Yeah, and his horn is like a corkscrew, 306 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:23,172 and he tries to open a bottle of wine, but it gets stuck, 307 00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,382 so now he's got this wine bottle on his head, 308 00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:27,009 just dripping wine down his face, 309 00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,094 like... 310 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:30,346 "Nasty Unicorn. 311 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,306 He puts the 'U' in 'Eff you.'" 312 00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:36,143 Okay, but it wouldn't be "Nasty Unicorn." It would be "Horny Unicorn"! 313 00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:38,646 Oh, shit, that's amazing. Now we have to do it. 314 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:40,230 What do you mean "do it"? 315 00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:43,359 The movie. You're the Horny Unicorn. I'll direct. We're doing it. 316 00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:46,737 Yeah. I'm not really the guy people wanna see in movies right now. 317 00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:50,282 Yeah, they don't wanna see you be Secretariat or raising orphans. 318 00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:52,242 But they will see you be a rude dude 319 00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:55,454 who says all the things polite society is too limp-dicked to say. 320 00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:58,540 This is your way back in. This is how you get that love back. 321 00:15:58,749 --> 00:15:59,833 "The Horny Unicorn"? 322 00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:03,671 Yeah, 'cause deep down, he's wounded. He's misunderstood. 323 00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,274 It's not his fault he's the way he is! 324 00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:07,341 - And people are gonna see that! - Yeah? 325 00:16:07,424 --> 00:16:11,261 Yeah! He's like, "Hey, buddy! I never asked to be the horny unicorn! 326 00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,949 What? You think I like it that I gotta jizz rainbows every 20 minutes 327 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,391 to keep my horn from going soft?" 328 00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,267 I don't know. 329 00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:19,395 Come on. I know you need the money. 330 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,605 When are you gonna stop punishing yourself? 331 00:16:26,443 --> 00:16:29,947 Flip it. No, you gotta... Flip the thing. Flip it. 332 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:32,741 Hey, Sonny, do you know where the advance copy of my book is? 333 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,201 Your stupid book about the mall? 334 00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:36,704 Haven't seen it. 'Cause I would never even notice it. 335 00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:39,832 'Cause it's for losers. Girl losers. 336 00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:41,375 You can just say losers. 337 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,753 Girls can be losers without specifying that they're girls. 338 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,691 Will you let me know if you see it? I need to get revisions to my publisher. 339 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,758 Sounds like a "you" problem. 340 00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:52,511 Girl loser. 341 00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:01,353 - Hello. - We're here for the party? 342 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:02,563 We brought a plant. 343 00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:05,274 Uh, just one sec. 344 00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:10,070 I'm starting to think smart phones are actually making us less connected. 345 00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:12,906 - They are! - Well, that's politics for you. 346 00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:16,243 - It is! - Hey, man. Uh... 347 00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:18,620 - What's going on? - We're here for the party. 348 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:19,997 We brought a plant. 349 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:24,001 Look... BoJack, don't make me ask you to leave. 350 00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:25,895 - You don't have to... - Come on, dude. Let us in. 351 00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:28,273 - This plant's heavy as tits. - I don't want a whole thing here. 352 00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:31,884 My mom is coming and I haven't spoken to her in ten years, 353 00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,802 and I can't risk anything happening. 354 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,554 What do you think is going to "happen"? 355 00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:38,766 I don't know, man, but something always happens with you 356 00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:44,188 and usually I've been cool because I know you're always dealing with your own shit, 357 00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:45,981 but I can't risk it tonight. 358 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,817 I'm sober. Nothing is going to happen. 359 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,944 Yeah, bro, what do you think's gonna... Oh, shit. 360 00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:52,154 Ugh! 361 00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:55,741 I'll see you around. 362 00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,496 We spent like 30 bucks on that plant. 363 00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:08,170 Yes, I have made mistakes. So, now what? I'm just supposed to go away forever? 364 00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:09,922 I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. 365 00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:12,299 This is where you find out who your real friends are. 366 00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:15,094 Part of being sober is leaving behind all the people 367 00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,489 who can't stop seeing you as the person who pissed in the fountain 368 00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,515 - at my own daughter's sweet 16. - Yeah? 369 00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:23,185 You think you owe them something because they tolerated you at your worst, 370 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:27,064 but these people enjoy seeing you fail because it lets them feel superior. 371 00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:30,234 They don't know how to process it when you're no longer the huge screw-up 372 00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:33,362 who hijacked a Meals On Wheels van to bring my friends to a strip club. 373 00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:36,156 - I don't know... - I do. You know what else I know? 374 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,991 You gotta go where the love is. 375 00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:40,077 Yeah. Maybe. 376 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,287 That's why we gotta make "Horny Unicorn." 377 00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:45,999 Because it's gonna make a billion dollars and drive all those assholes crazy! 378 00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:48,228 It would be good to have something to keep me busy. 379 00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:49,962 See? That's what I'm talking about! 380 00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:52,339 There he is! There's my Horn-corn! 381 00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:55,592 - Ah, shit. My daughter's in trouble. - What is it? 382 00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:57,469 You mind if we swing by EWE.S.C. real quick? 383 00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:59,596 EWE.S.C.? I'm trying to keep a low profile. 384 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,558 - I don't think a college campus... - BoJack, this is my daughter, okay? 385 00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,310 She's the one person I care about, the one thing keeping me sober. 386 00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,563 - Why do you need me to go with you? - Unbelievable. 387 00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:09,791 When everyone else abandoned you, who was there for you? 388 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,650 When the world judged you and ridiculed you? 389 00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,861 And now, the one time I need something from you... 390 00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:15,237 Okay. I'm in. 391 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,948 Or as the horny unicorn would say, "Am I in?" 392 00:19:18,031 --> 00:19:20,033 Oh, you're in, baby! 393 00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:27,040 No. No. Come on, come on, come on! Come on! 394 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:30,419 - What the hell, Diane? - Ah! I'm working! I'm just taking a break. 395 00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:34,089 - Oh, you found my book? - Yeah, and it sucked. Totally unrealistic. 396 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,049 - You read my book? - I've been reading it. 397 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,069 Obviously, I wasn't gonna say it in front of my friends, 398 00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:41,346 because it's a book for girl babies, but anyways it didn't even make sense! 399 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:42,264 What do you mean? 400 00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:46,560 Like, you say the book takes place in Chicago, but Ivy lives in Schaumburg. 401 00:19:46,643 --> 00:19:49,855 Schaumburg, Diane? Schaumburg's not Chicago. 402 00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:51,166 It's in the Chicago metropolitan... 403 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:55,027 Oh, my God, what's next? Evanston, Chicago? 404 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:59,448 Morton Grove, Chicago? Naperville, Chicago? 405 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,993 - That's what you sound like! - Okay, it's not too late to change it. 406 00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:04,369 Good. And while you're at it, 407 00:20:04,494 --> 00:20:06,705 - I've got some other questions. - Yeah? 408 00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:10,417 Like, okay. When Ivy told Moose that he wasn't her best friend anymore 409 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,920 and Moose said, "You're still my best friend 410 00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:15,255 whether you like it or not..." 411 00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,049 - was that real? - What do you mean? 412 00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:18,342 Like, did that really happen, 413 00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:20,802 that someone could be someone's best friend still 414 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,446 even when they're disappointed in them? 415 00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:25,474 Um, yeah, Sonny, that's real. 416 00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:29,353 Okay. And you know how Ivy kept her dad's watch in her locker 417 00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:32,940 because even though he wasn't around she still knew that he loved her? 418 00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:36,235 - Was that real, too? - Well, the book is fiction. 419 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:40,072 Yeah, no, I get it, I just... parts of it felt real, you know? 420 00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:41,406 Yeah. I know. 421 00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,576 It's cool that you wrote a book. I mean, I think girls are gonna like it. 422 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,329 Especially girls who, like, don't have good self-esteem. 423 00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:49,665 - I hope so. - So, when's the next one coming out? 424 00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:53,168 Just in case you need me to check it for other mistakes, you know. 425 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:58,340 Well, if I get started right away, it should be out by next fall. 426 00:20:58,423 --> 00:21:01,385 - Cool. You gotta flip it. - Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit! 427 00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:06,890 - Jagger! Jagger! - Shh, shh. 428 00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:08,892 Hey, hey, hey, keep it down maybe? 429 00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,770 Oh, my God, Dad, is this seriously happening? 430 00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:13,790 - Why are you here? - You knew what you were doing 431 00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:15,458 when you liked your mother's Instagram post 432 00:21:15,482 --> 00:21:17,162 of her on the beach with her new boyfriend. 433 00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:19,111 - What? - It was a good picture! 434 00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:20,195 That's why we're here? 435 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:23,365 Every month, you get five Instagram likes on my account 436 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,033 and five on your mother's account. 437 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,427 You heard what the judge mandated! 438 00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:28,388 Hey, man, let's just go. Okay? People are starting to... 439 00:21:28,412 --> 00:21:29,997 - Are you BoJack Horseman? - No. 440 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,290 - Yeah, you are. - NoJack. 441 00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:34,418 Were you trying to get my attention? 'Cause you got it now, baby! 442 00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:36,712 - Dad! - The story got picked up by TMZ! 443 00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:37,796 You're ruining my life! 444 00:21:37,879 --> 00:21:39,691 You're making me look like a real cuck, Jagger. 445 00:21:39,715 --> 00:21:41,967 I'm getting cucked by my own daughter! 446 00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:43,969 You don't even know what that word means! 447 00:21:44,052 --> 00:21:45,304 I just want you to know, 448 00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:47,306 - I think you got a real bum deal. - Oh, yeah? 449 00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,683 You got massively sandbagged in that interview, bro. 450 00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:53,270 - You were trying to apologize. - Thank you. 451 00:21:53,353 --> 00:21:56,815 Everything these days is all "patriarchy" this and "male gaze" that. 452 00:21:56,898 --> 00:21:59,168 And, well, I think it's cool you're pushing back against that. 453 00:21:59,192 --> 00:22:00,485 Well, no, I'm not pushing back. 454 00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:05,615 No, Bo, I'm saying it's cool. You can relax here. This is a safe space. 455 00:22:05,699 --> 00:22:07,492 - Okay. - You're embarrassing me! 456 00:22:07,576 --> 00:22:09,369 Oh, yeah? How's this for embarrassing? 457 00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:15,250 Your last spon-con post for L'Oréal? It came off as disingenuous! 458 00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:18,503 You know I love my wide array of L'Oréal products! 459 00:22:18,587 --> 00:22:21,506 From game days with the gals to cram sessions at the creamery, 460 00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:24,343 L'Oréal gives me the confidence to shine my brightest! 461 00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:26,011 Do you wanna come back to Delta House? 462 00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:28,930 I think those guys would be super-stoked to meet you. 463 00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:31,224 - They'd be stoked? - Super-stoked. 464 00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:32,577 All right, let's get out of here. 465 00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:35,788 My daughter sucks, which is surprising because I did such a good job raising her. 466 00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:37,314 Let's make one more stop. 467 00:22:39,107 --> 00:22:42,611 - Hey! Looking good! - Well, that's politics for you! 468 00:22:43,695 --> 00:22:45,864 - Hello? - Your mother isn't feeling well. 469 00:22:45,947 --> 00:22:47,616 She's still recovering from her surgery. 470 00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:48,867 Oh. 471 00:22:48,950 --> 00:22:52,371 Does that mean you're not coming to my refined, upscale party 472 00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:56,124 that I totally didn't just throw together only to impress you? 473 00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:59,461 I'm sorry, uh, no. But thank you for inviting us. 474 00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:02,964 Jorge, I'm trying to connect to her. 475 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,425 I know. Please keep trying. 476 00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:12,724 I'm starting to think that smart phones are actually making us less connected. 477 00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:20,357 And then I passed out in the pool. Sploosh! 478 00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:23,026 Luckily, Lindsay Lohan was there to perform CPR. 479 00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:26,238 She still credits me for being the reason she got sober... that time. 480 00:23:26,321 --> 00:23:27,864 Wow. 481 00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:31,284 - Who's Lindsay Lohan? - She's a celebrity from the olden days. 482 00:23:31,368 --> 00:23:33,870 Olden days? Jesus. 483 00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:35,247 Hey, look, buddy, I gotta go. 484 00:23:35,330 --> 00:23:36,766 I'm gonna walk this co-ed back to her room. 485 00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:38,500 'Cause, you know, there's pervs out there. 486 00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:40,543 Are you serious? You're supposed to be my sponsor. 487 00:23:40,585 --> 00:23:42,480 So, what, I gotta hang out with you all the time? 488 00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:45,590 Relax, okay? I'll call you tomorrow, we'll set up "Horny Unicorn." 489 00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:47,175 Enjoy your people. 490 00:23:47,759 --> 00:23:48,760 Okay. 491 00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:51,888 Hey, man. Hey! No pictures! 492 00:23:51,972 --> 00:23:53,348 - Delete that. - Come on. 493 00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:56,518 Hey, no. You come on. I'm not here to be your cool story later. 494 00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:58,311 Okay, sorry. 495 00:23:58,395 --> 00:23:59,688 I shouldn't be here. 496 00:24:06,611 --> 00:24:09,048 The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected. 497 00:24:09,072 --> 00:24:10,240 Goodbye. 498 00:24:10,323 --> 00:24:11,408 What? 499 00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:22,710 Huh.