1 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,239 Look, nothing's easy. 2 00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:38,158 But I wouldn't be talking to you now 3 00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:40,743 if I didn't believe that it wasn't too late for us. 4 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,079 So what are we doing here? 5 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,373 I don't know about the rest of you, 6 00:02:45,456 --> 00:02:49,460 but I'm here to put on the best goddamn production of Hedda Gabler 7 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:52,589 this supermax prison has ever seen! 8 00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:55,341 So let's take it back to Mrs. Elvsted's entrance, 9 00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:59,387 and remember, if you're on stage, I can see you, you're in character, 10 00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:02,098 you have an opinion about the return of Ejlert Løvborg. 11 00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:04,893 Oh, shit, is it 10:30 already? 12 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,269 Okay, look, guys, I gotta go, 13 00:03:06,352 --> 00:03:08,539 but I'll be back tomorrow and we'll pick up rehearsals Monday. 14 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:11,083 If everyone could be off-book by then, that would be phenomenal. 15 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:13,151 Schlesinger, if you have time to fashion a shiv 16 00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:15,153 and organize a jump on the rats in Block C, 17 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:17,030 you have time to learn your lines, 'kay? 18 00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:18,990 Priorities. 19 00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:28,458 There he is! 20 00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:31,544 Uh-oh! America's most wanted over here, huh? 21 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,631 - Thanks for picking me up. - The jury finds you guilty 22 00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:37,175 of being a super-cool dude, am I right? 23 00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:38,718 You're extremely clever, can we go? 24 00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:43,139 I sentence you to life... filled with my friendship! 25 00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:45,767 If this is my only other option, I choose prison. 26 00:03:48,102 --> 00:03:51,147 So you were just planning on wearing this to the wedding? 27 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:54,108 Really leaning on that "optional" in black tie optional. 28 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,461 These are the clothes I went in with. 29 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:57,487 I didn't know I'd be going to a wedding in a year. 30 00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:01,574 That's why you always gotta pack a spare suit, just in case. 31 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:04,786 - What are you in for again? - Officially, breaking and entering, 32 00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:06,788 but I think it was kind of for everything. 33 00:04:06,871 --> 00:04:08,706 Ah, a little bit of everything. 34 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:11,209 Like the varied cuisine at your favorite small plate 35 00:04:11,292 --> 00:04:13,461 lazy Susan restaurant, right? 36 00:04:13,544 --> 00:04:15,505 - Pardon? - Do you have a favorite 37 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,423 establishment of that sort? 38 00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:21,135 A favorite small plate lazy Susan restaurant? Hell if I know. 39 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,721 BoJack, it means so much that you would say that. 40 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:26,200 I actually am a little hungry. Where could we get lunch around here? 41 00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:27,308 Elefino! 42 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,644 No? Oh, how about the diner? 43 00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:39,362 So, do you spend a lot of time with them, as a couple? 44 00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:42,448 Well, I see Princess Carolyn a lot at "Birthday Dad" events. 45 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:45,285 Emmys, Golden Globes, Critic's Choice Awards, Peabody Awards. 46 00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:48,037 The Nobel Prize for Television they created just for our show. 47 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,956 But Judah usually stays home with Ruthie. 48 00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:52,935 - I can't believe she's getting married. - Thought it would be with you, huh? 49 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:56,087 I thought it would be with nobody because I wasted all her best years. 50 00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:57,588 Turns out her best years are now. 51 00:04:57,755 --> 00:05:00,466 Well, joke's on me. I couldn't even waste the right years. 52 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,278 I'm shocked she could get me out for the weekend. 53 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,512 - When are you getting out for real? - Few months. 54 00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:07,849 Wow. What are you gonna do next? Big plans post-big house? 55 00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:09,309 Big Momma's House reboot? 56 00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:11,894 Reboot of the franchise Big Momma's House, starring you? 57 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:15,148 My main goal right now is just not screwing up this weekend. 58 00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:16,607 You won't screw it up. 59 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,609 I'm sure I'll find a way. 60 00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,528 Mm. 61 00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:24,032 Can you get me another suit? 62 00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:27,386 You think Diane's gonna be there? 63 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:30,204 Everyone's going to be there. It's the party of the year. 64 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,540 I haven't talked to Diane since, uh... 65 00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:35,670 - What about you? Are you seeing anyone? - Oh, I'm too busy with my show. 66 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,545 Those birthdays aren't gonna dad themselves! 67 00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:38,880 What is this show? 68 00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:41,924 Besides, I'm really trying to focus on myself right now. 69 00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:43,468 I had this breakthrough recently. 70 00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:45,470 One day, in therapy, I just blurted out, 71 00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:48,681 "Is my problem with women any movie directed by Christopher Nolan? 72 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:53,394 Because, yes, women are involved, but it's really never about the women. 73 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:54,479 It's about me." 74 00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:56,814 - That's actually somewhat astute. - It occurred to me: 75 00:05:56,898 --> 00:06:00,360 Are my self-destructive patterns and unexamined cycles of co-dependency 76 00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:02,528 the popular Jim Carrey character The Mask? 77 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,113 Because "somebody stop me"! 78 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,240 Are all of your breakthroughs phrased like that? 79 00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:09,619 Um, are all of my breakthroughs a British prog-rock band from the '70s? 80 00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,996 - Because yes. - Ugh! 81 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:15,750 W-What are we doing here? Is this where the wedding is? 82 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:18,795 - I just have to make a real quick stop. - At the Griffith Observatory? 83 00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:20,981 - I have a press event. - You took me to a press event? 84 00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:23,007 It was on the way. 85 00:06:23,424 --> 00:06:25,760 Ah! No. What do you... I can't be here. 86 00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:28,388 It'll take 15 minutes, 20 tops. 87 00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,556 Definitely not more than two and a half hours. 88 00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,685 Hello, everybody! 89 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:38,314 You all know and love me as the titular Birthday Dad. 90 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:42,026 I've also been known for other roles: Sad Dog, fracking advocate, 91 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,821 finder-outer of what Hollywoo stars and celebrities know 92 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,064 and whether they know things, 93 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:50,618 but some of you might remember me as the notorious Stealer of the "D"! 94 00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:51,536 Ooh! 95 00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:54,539 Now, to celebrate the success of "Birthday Dad," 96 00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:57,875 I thought it was time I gave a birthday present back! 97 00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:00,211 I called up my favorite sign company and said, 98 00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:02,588 "I wanna give this whole town the 'D'! 99 00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:03,840 'D' for Dad. 100 00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:05,550 'Birthday Dad, ' that is!" 101 00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:06,509 Yay! 102 00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:09,178 So, without further a-dad, 103 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,932 let's say goodbye to the era of Hollywoo forever, 104 00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:15,309 and say hello to... 105 00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:19,021 Holly... woob? 106 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,189 Huh? 107 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,817 No, I said "D" as in "Birthday Dad." 108 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,653 No, obviously I meant the "Dad" part of "Birthday Dad," 109 00:07:25,736 --> 00:07:27,405 I assumed that went without saying. 110 00:07:27,488 --> 00:07:29,866 Look, I gotta go, but the next time I need a sign made 111 00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:33,119 I'm going to strongly consider going with a different company. 112 00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:35,705 Okay, next stop: wedding! 113 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,933 I'm not ready for this. You gotta take me back to jail. 114 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:40,418 What? Come on, Shawshank, you're gonna be fine. 115 00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:43,337 No, I can't be around people. I can't face them, I'm not ready. 116 00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:45,899 - What do you think is gonna happen? - I don't know! I never know. 117 00:07:45,923 --> 00:07:47,925 I just know that something bad is gonna happen 118 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:49,010 if I go to that wedding. 119 00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:50,803 How about this? We'll go to the wedding 120 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,473 and if you get there and you wanna leave, we can leave. 121 00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:54,640 - Yeah? - Yeah. 122 00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,642 And if you wanna stay, I'll stay there with you. 123 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:57,935 I will not leave your side. 124 00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:59,353 - You sure? - Of course. 125 00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:01,397 I'm here for you, buddy. No matter what. 126 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,024 Unless I see my good friend Erica 127 00:08:03,107 --> 00:08:05,318 and get distracted by some noteworthy aspect 128 00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:06,712 of her character or presentation, 129 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:10,406 but, BoJack, what are the odds that would... 130 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:20,457 Hmm. 131 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:22,626 Huh. 132 00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:26,005 - BoJack! Thank God I found you! - What? What is it? 133 00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:28,382 The fireworks are going to start in ten minutes. 134 00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:29,884 There's no time to explain. 135 00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:32,887 We need to go down to the beach so I can sit on your shoulders! 136 00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:36,390 - What? Why? - I just said there's no time to explain! 137 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:39,101 Did you go to jail for being a bad listener? 138 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:41,521 - Come on, we gotta go! - Okay. 139 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:45,566 Whoa! Ho-oh! 140 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:49,529 Oh, wow! That's like a 3-D one! 141 00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:50,988 So... 142 00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,573 why did we need to be on the beach? 143 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:55,117 Oh, you just seemed really overwhelmed at the party. 144 00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:58,204 - I thought you could use some air. - Oh. Thanks. 145 00:08:58,287 --> 00:09:00,331 But then why are you on my shoulders? 146 00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:02,458 So I could get a better view of the fireworks. 147 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:06,128 Okay, get down. Oh, okay. 148 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,380 It's good to see you. 149 00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:09,173 How'd you get out of the supermax? 150 00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:11,676 Did a helicopter crash into the side of the building 151 00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:13,094 and then you just walked out? 152 00:09:13,177 --> 00:09:16,180 What? No. I'm just here for the wedding. I'm going back tomorrow. 153 00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:17,515 Oh, bummer. 154 00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:20,434 No, it's good. I think the routine is good for me. 155 00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:25,439 - I'm staying out of trouble, at least. - Hooray! Staying out of trouble, at least! 156 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,441 I'm trying to set little goals for myself. 157 00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:30,486 Like, in a couple months, I'll beat my record for being sober. 158 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,196 - Nice! - Yeah, so that's... 159 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:36,576 that's something to aim for, but then, uh, after that, um... 160 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:39,078 After that, you'll beat your record again. 161 00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:41,122 Every day, you'll set a new record. 162 00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:43,708 Sure. But it's easy now. In jail. 163 00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:45,876 I don't have to make any choices for myself. 164 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,170 I worry about what's gonna happen when I get out. 165 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:51,132 - What if I relapse again? - Then you'll get sober again. 166 00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:53,342 Let me tell you something. 167 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:54,786 I was at the office the other day, 168 00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:57,263 doing the "Hokey Pokey" with some work associates... 169 00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:58,848 - Uh-huh. - ... and I realized 170 00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:00,891 everyone misunderstands that song. 171 00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:01,975 "The Hokey Pokey"? 172 00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:05,646 Yeah, there's way too much emphasis on the "hokey pokey" part. 173 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,523 That is what it's all about. 174 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,108 No. That's exactly what I mean. 175 00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:11,235 - That's not what the song is saying. - Okay. 176 00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:15,698 And I was thinking about my mom, you know, my relationship with my mom. 177 00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:18,367 It's weird. You know, awkward. 178 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:22,371 I feel like she doesn't really get me, but, you know, she's trying. 179 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,372 And a couple years ago, 180 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:27,251 I never thought I would have any kind of relationship with her. 181 00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:28,419 Like, I was sure of it. 182 00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:29,378 What changed? 183 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:33,215 I don't know. I did? Or... Or she did? 184 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:36,594 Or, um, we... are? 185 00:10:36,677 --> 00:10:39,513 - Huh. - So, that's what I'm talking about. 186 00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:41,015 It's like the song says. 187 00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:44,644 "You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around." 188 00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:48,939 You turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. 189 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,927 Yeah, I don't know if the songwriters put that much thought 190 00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:54,153 into the existential significance of the lyrics. 191 00:10:54,236 --> 00:10:56,322 They literally rhyme "about" with "about." 192 00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:58,949 But isn't the point of art less what people put into it 193 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,702 and more what people get out of it? 194 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,829 - Is that the point of art? - Maybe. 195 00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:08,334 Or maybe art doesn't need a point. Maybe that's why it's called art. 196 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,878 I can't tell if you're being smart or stupid. 197 00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,338 Oh, I never know. 198 00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:14,924 I think you had it for a moment and then you lost it. 199 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:19,470 Oh, well! It was nice while it lasted, right? 200 00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:23,641 Sure. It was nice while it lasted. 201 00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,190 Ugh! 202 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,195 Huh! Not bad. 203 00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:38,155 Hey, there he is! 204 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,324 Oh, my God, that was an incredible wedding. 205 00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:41,659 Yeah? It wasn't too much 206 00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:43,744 with the fireworks, and the cirque performers, 207 00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:45,621 and the procession of exotic peafowl? 208 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,832 No, you produced the hell out of it. 209 00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:50,418 What'd you think about the part where the priest got murdered 210 00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:53,587 and Judah had to figure out which bridesmaid was the culprit? 211 00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:55,589 A little outside the box, as far as weddings go, 212 00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:56,882 but it worked in context. 213 00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:58,426 I thought so, too! 214 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:01,762 Congratulations. And Judah, too. Where is he? 215 00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:04,598 I think he's going over some contracts. 216 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:06,434 We're putting together an all-female reboot 217 00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:07,685 of 12 Angry Men. 218 00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:10,855 It's called "11 Angry Women." 219 00:12:10,938 --> 00:12:13,524 - Not 12? - You gotta leave room for a sequel. 220 00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:16,986 So your groom is doing paperwork during his own wedding reception? 221 00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:20,906 Oh, we had our real wedding a week ago. This one's just for the industry. 222 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,159 - What? - I invited the town's top talent, 223 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:25,619 took away their phones, and shuffled them together. 224 00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:27,163 Give 'em some booze, get 'em chatty, 225 00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:28,831 next day, they're calling me, 226 00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,794 "Hey, could you put me in touch with so-and-so?" 227 00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:33,878 - Boom! I've attached myself as a producer! - Does that really work? 228 00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:38,215 Hey, Jennifer Jason Leigh! Have you met regular Jason Lee? 229 00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:41,719 You're my two favorite Jason Lees. Discuss. 230 00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:44,555 Well, I am offended I wasn't important enough for your real wedding, 231 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:47,641 but I'm flattered I'm important enough for your industry one. 232 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:50,728 Are you kidding? "Horny Unicorn" is tracking huge. 233 00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,229 - What? - All of Hollywoob 234 00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:53,814 is buzzing about your comeback. 235 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,025 No. Did you say "Hollywoob"? 236 00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:58,068 If this movie does what it's supposed to, 237 00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:01,822 the district attorney's not the only one who's gonna wanna lock you into something. 238 00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,824 I'm not sure I should take on more projects. 239 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:07,203 I started this drama program at prison and we're doing Hedda Gabler. 240 00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:10,164 I mean, it's not Strindberg, but, you know, we're having a good time. 241 00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:13,083 I thought that maybe when I got out, I could go back and volunteer. 242 00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,835 Oh! Well, that sounds fabulous! 243 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,838 Yeah, but... I didn't even think that I'd have other options. 244 00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:19,799 A year ago, everyone in this town hated me. 245 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,217 People have short memories. 246 00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,719 It's the best and worst thing about people. 247 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,930 Well, maybe there's a way I could do both? 248 00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:27,765 - I've really enjoyed teaching. - Oh! Oh. 249 00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,141 Maybe I could direct something? 250 00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,506 - I'm sorry I said anything. I... - Well, I mean, hold on. 251 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,479 Yeah, I shouldn't just jump into something, 252 00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:36,774 but if there's a good opportunity, I'd be stupid not to take it, right? 253 00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:39,257 I mean, we both know how hard it is to get heat in this town. 254 00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:41,612 Think it over. I'm sure you'll make the right decision. 255 00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:43,823 Well, a decision. 256 00:13:47,284 --> 00:13:50,579 - Hey, you wanna dance? - Yeah. 257 00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:56,252 - What? - Oh! Aw. 258 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:01,423 You know, I had this weird idea when I heard you were getting married 259 00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,760 that I'd get here and there'd be some disaster, 260 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:08,639 and I knew that either I would cause it or, just maybe, 261 00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:10,516 I would be the only one who could fix it. 262 00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:11,725 A disaster, huh? 263 00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:15,354 Not like a "disaster" disaster, like a sitcom disaster, you know? 264 00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:18,333 Like, it would be time for the wedding and no one would know where to find you. 265 00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:20,276 - No one but you, right? - Yeah. 266 00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:24,989 And I'd find you in some special spot and I'd say, "Come on, it's time to go." 267 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:27,491 And you'd say, "What am I doing, BoJack?" 268 00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:30,578 And then what, I'd run off with you? 269 00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:32,621 No, I would talk you into going through with it, 270 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,708 and it would be like a symbol of how much I'd grown, 271 00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:37,418 that I could let you go. 272 00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:39,295 I'm sorry to disappoint you. 273 00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:40,713 No, I mean, I'm happy for you. 274 00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:43,257 Just... it's a better story if you had cold feet. 275 00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:47,011 It's a better story for you. I think I like it better this way. 276 00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:48,679 I guess you're right. 277 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,056 What would you have said to me? 278 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,934 Oh, I don't know. I would have said, uh, 279 00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:57,521 - "Come on, man. Do it." - Oh, wow. 280 00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:01,066 No, no, no. I would... Okay. Hold on. Tell me what you're afraid of. 281 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:05,029 In this make-believe scenario that you came up with? 282 00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,822 - Yeah. - Okay. 283 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,534 Well, I guess I'm afraid of losing some part of myself. 284 00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:14,079 I'm afraid that if I let someone else take care of me 285 00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:15,956 that I'm not really me anymore. 286 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,418 I'm afraid of getting too comfortable, you know, going soft. 287 00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:23,464 I'm afraid that this could be the best thing that ever happened to me 288 00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:27,009 and if it doesn't make me as happy as I'm supposed to be, 289 00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,762 that means I'm a lost cause. 290 00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:31,472 - Holy shit. - What? 291 00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,807 I don't know, those are some really good arguments. 292 00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:35,893 - Are you kidding me? - Okay, okay, look. 293 00:15:35,976 --> 00:15:38,312 Yes, all those things could be true, but on the other hand, 294 00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:41,148 what if you deserve to be happy 295 00:15:41,231 --> 00:15:43,817 and this is a thing that will make you happy? 296 00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:47,196 And maybe don't worry about whether you'll be happy later 297 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,949 and just focus on how you're happy right now? 298 00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:52,242 - Oh, is it that easy? - No. 299 00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,053 But you're here because, at some point, 300 00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:56,747 Princess Carolyn thought this was a good idea. 301 00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:59,249 And I think we oughta listen to her. 302 00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:01,669 Because she's the smartest woman I know. 303 00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,754 That's true. She is. 304 00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,465 So, what do you think? Are you gonna marry him? 305 00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:10,135 Well, I already got the dress. 306 00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:13,138 But you didn't need me to say any of that, did you? 307 00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:14,682 I guess I didn't. 308 00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:17,851 Hey, if I do decide to get back into the business 309 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:19,228 when I get out of prison... 310 00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:22,106 I mean, I probably won't, but if I do, 311 00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,858 I'm gonna need representation. 312 00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:28,404 Someone who can look out for me, help me make the right decisions, 313 00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:29,863 keep me out of trouble... 314 00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:33,158 I can recommend some excellent people. 315 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,008 Hey. 316 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:53,512 - Thought I might find you here. - I'm trying to quit. 317 00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:55,764 Yeah, you look like you're trying really hard. 318 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,224 Don't be shitty. 319 00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:00,477 I haven't seen you in a while. You doing okay? 320 00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,229 Yeah, I'm doing okay. 321 00:17:02,312 --> 00:17:04,898 - I mean, you know, okay. - Sure. 322 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,568 I'm working on this middle-grade fiction series. 323 00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:09,862 I mean, who am I, Rick Riordan? 324 00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:11,196 Who's Rick Riordan? 325 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:14,366 Yeah, good point. What have you been up to? 326 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:17,286 Well, let's see, um, I've been getting into podcasts, 327 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,121 went through a Sudoku phase, and, uh, 328 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,749 - oh, I'm in prison, so... - Right. That's still happening? 329 00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:25,002 Oh, it's very much happening. I've also got a new movie coming out. 330 00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:26,670 Oh, yeah, with Vance Waggoner, right? 331 00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:28,395 I know what you're thinking, but he's... 332 00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,062 You don't need to explain yourself to me. 333 00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,967 I know you think I'm some kind of a sell-out, 334 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,654 but it wasn't like other opportunities were banging down my door... 335 00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,948 - I'm not arguing with you. - Because of "Horny Unicorn"... 336 00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:40,052 I'm not going to help you work through whatever you're trying to work through. 337 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,269 I just came out here to smoke. You came to me. 338 00:17:42,352 --> 00:17:45,147 - Because I wanted to talk to you. - About what? "The Horny Unicorn"? 339 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:47,274 No, about... I don't know. 340 00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:51,987 - I just wanted to talk to you. - I miss talking to you. 341 00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:57,659 I wish I had my phone right now. 342 00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:58,994 Yeah, I know what you mean. 343 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,930 I never know what to do with my hands at parties. 344 00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,664 No, I wish I had my phone 345 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,542 so I could play you the last voicemail you left me. 346 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:08,462 Did you remember that, that you left me a voicemail? 347 00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:10,422 Ooh. 348 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:13,383 I thought you were sober. You told me you were sober. 349 00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,637 And things were good in my life and I was thinking about my future, 350 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,807 and then I woke up one morning and I had this voicemail. 351 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:21,016 Look, I-I wasn't in the... 352 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,103 You were happy on the voicemail. You sounded happy. 353 00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,230 Or lightly sardonic, or glibly nihilistic, 354 00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:28,107 or however you'd describe that thing you get 355 00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:30,502 that's the closest to the emotion normal people call happy. 356 00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,569 - I'm sorry... - And you were clearly intoxicated, 357 00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:35,823 and you were talking about swimming. "I'm going swimming," you said. 358 00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:38,408 "Since nothing matters anyway, and nobody cares about me, 359 00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:40,428 - I might as well go swimming, right?" - I'm so sorry. 360 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,663 "Call me back if you don't want me to go swimming. 361 00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:45,207 Otherwise, I'm just gonna assume you don't care." 362 00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:48,919 I thought you were dead. 363 00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:51,356 For seven hours, I couldn't get in touch with anyone 364 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:52,714 and I was sure you were dead, 365 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:57,594 and it was my fault for leaving you, for feeling good, for not worrying. 366 00:18:57,678 --> 00:19:01,014 When I left for Chicago, you promised me you were gonna be okay, 367 00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:03,642 but I made you promise me that. 368 00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:06,395 - Was I selfish for believing you? - No. 369 00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:08,480 Why did you call me? You knew I was in Chicago. 370 00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:11,316 I don't know. I was drunk and... and I was high. 371 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,985 And I just... I wanted to talk to you. 372 00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:18,949 When I found out you weren't dead, I was angry. 373 00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:24,872 I was relieved, but I was also angry that I'd given you that power over me. 374 00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:28,333 I was angry at you for a really long time. 375 00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:30,252 Are you still angry at me? 376 00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:34,381 No. I don't know. What good has being angry at you 377 00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,008 - ever done for me? - I'm sorry. 378 00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:38,218 I wish I could have been the person you thought I was, 379 00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:40,530 - the person who would save you. - That was never your job. 380 00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:44,266 Then why did you always make me feel like it was? 381 00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:47,686 I don't know, maybe it's everybody's job to save each other. 382 00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:49,396 I don't know. 383 00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:53,525 Anyway, I'm glad you're alive. 384 00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:54,943 I am, too. 385 00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:59,907 So, you're still in Chicago, then, or...? 386 00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:03,076 When I got that voicemail, 387 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:08,457 my boyfriend at the time wanted me to move to Houston with him. 388 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,334 I wanted to move with him. 389 00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:13,253 But after you called, I got scared. 390 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:15,547 - Oh, no. - I didn't trust myself. 391 00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:19,301 I was happy and I didn't trust that. So I stayed in Chicago. 392 00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:24,056 We tried to make it work long distance, but it was hard. 393 00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:27,017 Eventually, I just thought, "This is stupid." 394 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,144 So, what, you broke up with him? 395 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,605 No. I moved to Houston. 396 00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:33,315 To be with your boyfriend at the time? 397 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,859 Yeah. Plus, the winters in Chicago are cold as shit, 398 00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:37,629 I don't know why anyone would build a city there. 399 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,154 No wonder that cow started that fire. 400 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,948 I get it. I'm on Team Cow. 401 00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:44,701 But your boyfriend at the time, he's not your boyfriend anymore? 402 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,537 He is not. 403 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,249 - Wow. - Yeah. 404 00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:54,002 How'd you learn how to trust it? The happiness? 405 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,880 I didn't. But I trust him. 406 00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,927 It's hard to imagine you in Houston. 407 00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:03,887 Oh, I'm like a totally different person now. 408 00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:05,305 - Are you? - No? 409 00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:09,935 Yes? I wear fewer jackets. I smile more. 410 00:21:10,018 --> 00:21:13,981 Sometimes I look back at my LA years, and I think, "Who was that person?" 411 00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:16,483 Does she ever come back, that Diane? 412 00:21:16,858 --> 00:21:18,360 Sometimes. 413 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,487 I felt her when I got back to LA. 414 00:21:20,570 --> 00:21:23,198 I feel her now that I'm talking to you. 415 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,783 But it's not you? 416 00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:26,743 I mean, it's all me. 417 00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:29,871 I'd love to say, "No, she's gone forever." 418 00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:33,625 But I was terrified of coming back here for the wedding. 419 00:21:33,709 --> 00:21:36,669 - Seeing Mr. Peanutbutter. Seeing you. - What'd you think was gonna happen? 420 00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:40,841 I don't know, I would spin out, start questioning everything, 421 00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:41,842 blow everything up. 422 00:21:41,925 --> 00:21:44,428 But that didn't happen, did it? 423 00:21:44,511 --> 00:21:46,430 No. That didn't happen. 424 00:21:46,513 --> 00:21:49,516 But was part of you kinda hoping that it would? 425 00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:51,059 Mm. 426 00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:53,145 You ever miss the mess? 427 00:21:53,228 --> 00:21:55,272 No, "miss" is the wrong word. 428 00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:57,024 Sorry, Miss. 429 00:21:57,107 --> 00:22:00,527 I'm glad I lived in LA, but I'm not nostalgic for it. 430 00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:03,196 I'm glad I knew Mr. Peanutbutter, 431 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,532 - even though he's not in my life anymore. - Yeah? 432 00:22:05,615 --> 00:22:09,453 I think there are people that help you become the person that you end up being, 433 00:22:09,536 --> 00:22:11,747 and you can be grateful for them 434 00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:15,167 even if they were never meant to be in your life forever. 435 00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:17,711 I'm glad I knew you, too. 436 00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:19,171 "Knew," huh? 437 00:22:19,254 --> 00:22:20,255 Mm. 438 00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:22,924 Hey, wouldn't it be funny 439 00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:25,927 if this night was the last time we ever talked to each other? 440 00:22:29,806 --> 00:22:32,559 - Um, anyway, I... - I need to tell you... 441 00:22:32,642 --> 00:22:34,287 No. You don't have to... You don't owe me anything. 442 00:22:34,311 --> 00:22:36,897 No, I need to tell you: Thank you. 443 00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:40,567 And it's going to be okay. 444 00:22:40,650 --> 00:22:43,528 And I'm sorry. 445 00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:47,324 And... thank you. 446 00:22:50,535 --> 00:22:51,370 - Wait. - Why? 447 00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:53,955 I know. I know. But can I just tell you a funny story? 448 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,165 Sure. 449 00:22:55,248 --> 00:22:57,751 But it better be very funny. 450 00:22:57,834 --> 00:23:00,504 I don't wanna lie to you, it's only kind of funny. 451 00:23:02,839 --> 00:23:04,734 So we have this movie night at the prison, right? 452 00:23:04,758 --> 00:23:07,386 And we get to vote on what movies we wanna see. 453 00:23:07,469 --> 00:23:09,179 But of course the whole thing's rigged, 454 00:23:09,262 --> 00:23:12,557 because Big Andy's favorite movie is The Family Stone, 455 00:23:12,641 --> 00:23:15,268 so Big Andy gets his guys to vote for it every week, 456 00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:17,771 and so every week we watch The Family Stone. 457 00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:20,899 Hold on, whose favorite movie is The Family Stone? 458 00:23:20,982 --> 00:23:22,651 I mean, yeah, it's a fine movie... 459 00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:24,295 - But every week? - That's what I'm saying! 460 00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:27,572 So, one day I'm like, "If I see Luke Wilson teach Sarah Jessica Parker 461 00:23:27,656 --> 00:23:30,700 how to let her freak flag fly one more time, I'm gonna snap." 462 00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:33,036 I don't understand, is movie night mandatory? 463 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,955 - No. - So why don't you just not go? 464 00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:37,058 What am I, a philistine? I support the arts, sue me. 465 00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:38,125 Okay, sorry. 466 00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:41,086 But I know a guy who volunteers in the library, 467 00:23:41,169 --> 00:23:44,464 which is where they keep the DVDs, so I make a deal with him. 468 00:23:44,548 --> 00:23:48,385 "I'll give you my Jell-O for a month if The Family Stone goes missing." 469 00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:49,928 I feel like this doesn't end well. 470 00:23:50,011 --> 00:23:52,973 So, movie might comes around, time for another Christmas in Connecticut, 471 00:23:53,056 --> 00:23:56,685 but then, uh-oh, the DVD's gone, what do we do? 472 00:23:56,768 --> 00:23:59,729 So Big Andy's getting really upset, and his guys are all riled, 473 00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:01,398 and then I go, "Fellas, fellas, fellas! 474 00:24:01,481 --> 00:24:03,775 Why don't we watch Pieces of April this week? 475 00:24:03,859 --> 00:24:06,069 Change of pace. Patricia Clarkson's in it and..." 476 00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:06,987 And? 477 00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:09,156 - Prison riot. - Oh, shit, really? 478 00:24:09,239 --> 00:24:12,117 No. Worse. Big Andy falls in love with Pieces of April, 479 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,161 so now we watch Pieces of April every week. 480 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:16,746 You kind of made your own bed on that one. 481 00:24:16,830 --> 00:24:18,373 Story of my life. 482 00:24:22,669 --> 00:24:25,297 I'm sorry, that sounds awful. 483 00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:28,633 Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? Life's a bitch and then you die, right? 484 00:24:28,925 --> 00:24:30,177 Sometimes. 485 00:24:30,260 --> 00:24:33,096 Sometimes life's a bitch and then you keep living. 486 00:24:33,346 --> 00:24:34,346 Yeah. 487 00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:38,643 But it's a nice night, huh? 488 00:24:39,227 --> 00:24:40,227 Yeah. 489 00:24:41,521 --> 00:24:42,898 This is nice.