Ugh, motorcade duty. So boring.
I'd rather sit around
and listen to you
talk about the right way
to make paella.
There's more than one right way
to make paella, Jake.
There are ten right ways.
- You got classic Valencian,
modern...
No, wait, stop.
I changed my mind.
I've made a horrible mistake.
Hey, Rosa,
just who I was looking for.
Quick question,
can I have your friend
Katie's phone number?
I wanna ask her out.
No, I don't mix
personal and professional.
You're never getting her number.
Never like,
"we're never gonna have
a black president" never?
- 'Cause that happened.
- A real never.
Like if you ever ask me
about this again,
you're never gonna be
able to eat without a straw.
Yeah, okay, well...
you are on the wrong side
of history, my friend.
Katie, huh?
Wow, I can't believe
you're not still pining for Amy.
I mean, I pine for years.
I still think about Mia,
the nurse
that helped my Nana pass.
Yes, I know. You've told me,
like, a hundred times
about the time
your nana collapsed
and accidentally
pulled Mia's pants down.
Best day of my life.
I don't have feelings
for Amy anymore,
so time for me to get out there
- and spread my...
- Legs.
Get out there
and spread my legs?
Well, either way.
No, not either way. Only wings.
Listen up. There's been an issue
with the motorcade.
The Serbian president
is delayed in Washington,
and we can't start locking down
intersections
until he takes off.
Apparently
he's on an important call
with the Albanian president.
Is that Bujar Nishani
or is it still Bamir Topi?
Oh, Ames, let me check.
Hmm, it just says
no one likes you.
There's a three-hour delay
minimum.
Captain Holt
and I will have to leave
for a meeting
at One Police Plaza.
You should all stay
prepped and ready.
Dismissed.
Guys, guys, guys.
Three-hour delay
with no Holt or Terry?
- Do you know what this means?
- Makeovers.
No, Charles.
The Jimmy Jab Games!
Yeah!
The first Jimmy Jabs
were held in 2008,
- when the king of Iraq...
- President, Iran.
- Armen Jimmy Jab.
- Ahmadinejad.
came to New York and we were
on call for nine glorious hours
in case there were protests.
On that day a young genius
named Jake Peralta
used the last piece of his bagel
to create
the first Jimmy Jab event.
The monster mouth bagel toss.
- Ah!
Oh.
And the rest was history.
As soon as Holt and Terry leave,
we will commence
with Jimmy Jab 7,
Circus of Fools.
Jimmy Jabs, Jimmy Jabs...
Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs.
Seems like we're ready
for our meeting
with Deputy Chief Wuntch.
Is that how you plan on sitting?
Leaning back like a
matinee-goer?
Madeline will eat you alive.
That's no better,
hands folded on your lap
like a pervert.
Sir,
what are you so nervous about?
There's a new drug
in the precinct
and we need updated
narcotics field kits.
All we're asking for is $1,200.
How could she say no to that?
Sergeant,
as long as I'm asking for it,
Madeline Wuntch
can say no to anything.
Ugh, may I?
Those are my tissues, Raymond.
If you were planning on
sneezing,
you shoulda brought your own.
Sir, she's a deputy chief.
I'm sure she wants
what's best for the community.
She doesn't care
about the community.
She only cares about
defeating me.
This is war, Sergeant.
The war on Wuntch.
Oh, good. You've named it.
So Jimmy Jabs, huh?
What do you say we make
it interesting this year?
Aha! We could play
for Katie's number.
No. Is this why you wanted
to do Jimmy Jabs?
No. Yes. Why, what gave it away?
You said "aha"
and snapped your fingers.
Oh, you wanna go out
with Rosa's friend Katie?
That's great. She's cool.
I know,
but Rosa has this dumb rule
about not mixing work
with personal stuff.
That's actually
not a bad policy.
I once gave my aunt
a jaywalking ticket,
and things really deteriorated
between us.
But Jake and Katie
would be awesome together.
I know, right?
She's single. I'm single.
She's pretty. I'm pretty.
So it's settled.
If I win you give me her number
and if I lose you don't have to.
I already don't have
to give it to you.
I'll give you $200,
and never ask you
for another number again.
Done.
Hello, Gina.
It's daylight, Boyle.
Why are we talking?
This is an emergency.
I've been filming
my fitness routine
with the precinct camera
to help improve my form.
That's where I got
these tree trunks.
But I realized
that I left the tape
in the camera and now it's gone.
Who cares,
who cares, who cares?
You probably will.
Oh, Boyle,
I love that you're trying
to step up your sex game.
But strength is not your issue.
Stop humming.
And it does not turn me on
when you bend over
and back up into me.
Did someone check out
the camera this morning?
Yes, Hitchcock,
and if he sees it,
he will tell everyone.
- You need to get that damn tape.
- Okay.
We're off.
You'll get word
when the Serbian president
is wheels-up.
You got it, Sarge.
We'll just be here till
you get back.
Calmly
and respectfully prepping.
All right, they're gone!
Ceremonial bagel.
Flask.
Flame.
- Let the games begin.
Welcome to the Jimmy Jabs.
We play for pride.
We play for the phone numbers
of Rosa's friends.
But most importantly,
we play to watch Amy lose.
- Nope. This is my year.
- It's my year, too.
Please
don't align yourself with me.
Why not?
Neither of you
have ever come close to winning.
You're exactly the same,
just a couple of Santiagos.
But the real prize
is the Winchester 3000,
the only chair in the precinct
with minimal staining,
good lumbar support,
and no broken rolly-wheels.
- Over to you, Gina.
- Thank you, Jake.
Okay, guys, as usual,
the loser of each event
is eliminated from the games.
The winner gets a bonus
in the final round.
Our first event is...
"The Mouthathon."
In front of you
is month-old Chinese food
from the fridge.
Go ahead and eat
as much as you can stomach.
On your Mark...
get set... Wahlberg!
I can't do this to my mouth.
She's the love of my life.
Charles is eliminated.
Ugh, I think this ball of soup
is off. I'm out!
I can do this.
I wanna win so bad.
Oh, great. Here, quick.
Let me take a picture.
That's so cute, you've got
a little bit of mold
on the tip of your nose.
I tried. I tried,
but he's unbeatable.
You guys know
this is free, right?
Hello, Deputy Chief Wuntch.
You've aged.
Stay seated.
We can do this out here,
since you've already made
yourselves comfortable.
Sergeant Jeffords,
why don't you just lie down?
I can't sit
any straighter than this.
We're here about a new
and very potent form of ecstasy,
which has surfaced
in our precinct.
Street name, giggle pig.
Hmm, an embarrassing blight
growing right under your nose.
Not unlike that moustache
you had when we first met.
That moustache
was era-appropriate.
The precinct just needs
updated field kits
to help us combat the problem.
This paperwork is a mess.
A semicolon that should clearly
be a full colon?
Was this prepared
by a recent immigrant?
It's just one typo.
It's gibberish. Request denied.
Wow. You were right.
All it took was one mistake.
You think
that semicolon was a mistake?
No, it was
a juicy piece of bait,
and she unhinged her jaw
and swallowed it whole.
So you wanted her
to say no to us?
Rejecting a valid request
for such a petty reason,
that's all the ammunition
I need to go over her head.
I secretly scheduled us
a one-on-one
with Madeline's boss,
Chief Fisker.
You wanna hear
the funniest thing ever?
I also split an infinitive
and she didn't notice.
Hey, buddy.
Did you check out the department
video camera by any chance?
Yeah, I was gonna take it home
and videotape
the top of my head.
I think
I might be thinning up there.
Cool, cool.
So I accidentally left a tape
in there and I want it back.
Why? What's on it?
Nothing... I just really need it
for no reason.
Well,
if you want that tape back,
I gotta get something in return.
Are you blackmailing me?
I don't have any money,
Hitchcock.
I'm still paying
my uncle's funeral bills.
I rear-ended the hearse.
It was a mess.
There's one thing I want
and it's not that big.
I just want you to make me cool
in everyone's eyes.
Not that big?
The Jimmy Jabs has claimed
its first victims.
Boyle, you made no impact.
Also,
Detective Scully has withdrawn
due to food poisoning,
which I think we all saw coming.
All right, the second event
is "Bulky Bulky Run Run,"
the bomb suit foot race.
Sure hope I don't sprain
my arm during the race,
'cause I'm gonna be opening up
a lot of doors
for Katie on our date.
Oh, yeah,
I'm gonna be a gentleman.
What are you doing, Jake?
Trash-talking you
while simultaneously proving
that I will be respectful
of your friend.
It's a tough line to walk.
Gotta loosen up
my flower-buying fingers.
I'm gonna go nuts
on the daisies.
On your Mark...
Get set... Ruffalo!
Go!
I'm doing it,
Charles! I look cool!
- Whaaow!
The next event will be
"Keep Your Cover."
Contestants must craft
an undercover persona
and talk to
as many police officers
as you can
before being recognized.
Pregnant, nice...
Means ya had sex.
Damn right, I did.
And I forgot my birth control.
- Yeah!
- Yah!
I think the belly will draw
attention away from my face.
- Smart, like one big boob.
- Mm-hmm.
Jake will go first,
then Amy, then Rosa.
On your Mark,
get set, Paul Gosselaar!
- Please let me have the tape.
- No dice.
I don't know
how to make you cool.
I'm not even that cool myself.
I mean, sure,
I have a pizza stone.
You have cool friends.
Like Jake.
I just wanna be part
of a conversation
where Jake uses my name
and nobody insults me.
Damn it! You ask too much.
- Ahh.
- I blew it.
I only got through two people.
He's kicking so much.
You wanna feel?
No! That's a bad idea!
Oh, my baby! It's on the side!
Oof. I got to six.
Dumb baby!
People are right,
they ruin everything!
Hey, wait, whoa, whoa!
I wanna try.
Let me be pregnant.
Whoop!
- Adorable.
- Right?
I can't believe I lost again!
I was so psyched up for this.
What happened?
Well... maybe being
so psyched up is what happened.
Like every time
we're doing police work,
you're always super-smart
and you stay calm
and take your time,
but every time we do
dumb games like this,
you get all frantic and act
like a crazy idiot.
My advice: Next time
don't act like a crazy idiot.
Thanks.
That's surprisingly insightful.
Yeah, well, motherhood...
really opens a man's eyes.
I finally feel
as if I'm part of something
- bigger than myself.
- All right.
- Too much?
- Yeah.
Peralta. What the hell?
Where were you?
I got eliminated.
'Scuse me, officer.
Yes, sweetheart?
Sweetheart! Seriously, Hank?
Is that how you talk
to women who come in here?
Jimmy Jabs?
I didn't even make it past
one person.
You're out? I'm in the finals?
And all I have to do to get
Katie's number is beat Amy?
Oh, that's nothing.
Hey! Don't you dare
touch Amy Junior.
- That's right. It's your baby!
Are you sayin' I knocked you up?
- You sure did!
- Jake.
- Hmm?
- Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, sure thing.
- Hold that.
- Sure.
All right, Jake.
You wanna call off the bet?
Seriously?
You're gonna back out now
just 'cause you're losing?
What is this, a riverboat casino
on the river of no rules?
No, I'm giving you
a chance to call off
the bet because it's clear
you don't actually want
Katie's number
because you're still into Amy.
What? That's crazy.
I just spent
the whole day fighting
for another girl's number.
Tsk. You spent the whole day
flirting with Amy.
Yeah, we're joking around
because we're friends
now that I've moved on.
Then prove it.
Beat Amy
and don't flirt with her at all.
Fine. Easy. But you better tell
Katie to clear her schedule out
Thursday for a date,
'cause I am working nights
until then,
and the following weekend
I am out of town.
Let's do this!
Hey, Jake. Question for ya.
When I beat you,
which victory dance should I do?
This one?
Or this one?
Oh, wow, okay.
Both are examples
of victory dances.
No comeback?
After I burned you
with those moves?
- You must be pretty nervous.
- Yep.
- Hey, Jake.
- Hey, Charles.
- Who's this with me?
- Hitchcock?
Well, we should go now.
Wow! What a high!
Do you guys feel
this way all the time?
I did what you wanted.
Give me the tape.
Oh, no, we're not done yet.
Next, I want you to tell
everyone you think I'm handsome.
Make it seem natural.
You are a monster!
So they're calling
the drug "giggle pig"?
Chief Fisker.
Sergeant Jeffords. Raymond.
Deputy Chief Wuntch.
I didn't realize
you'd be attending.
I can tell.
You have more of a fly-catching
gape than usual.
I've examined his proposal.
There's no proof that giggle pig
is a serious problem.
So we're just supposed to wait
until it turns into an epidemic?
You're like
the League of Nations in '36,
just hoping the Abyssinian
Crisis resolves itself.
That's the lesson you draw
from the fall of Addis Ababa?
Raymond, you sound so naive.
And you sound just like
Victor Emmanuel III.
I have no idea who's winning.
I am.
Captain Holt,
how serious a threat
do you really think
giggle pig poses?
- Very serious.
- Or it could be nothing.
- Or it could be the new crack.
- The new crack?
And you only need
$1,200 to fight it?
Well, in an ideal situation,
we would attack the problem
with a lot more fire power,
perhaps even a task force.
That makes sense.
Let's make it happen.
That was amazing!
We got a task force!
More importantly,
Wuntch got served.
Oh, my god.
"Wuntch" sounds like "lunch."
Now, this opens up
so many new avenues...
You got your task force.
I'm surprised.
That's funny, after 20 years,
I'd think you'd be used to me
slam-dunking in your face.
I'm surprised you didn't see
what was going on in there.
I got you riled up,
you oversold giggle pig,
and now you're running
an expensive task force
in a time of budget cuts.
You better make some big
arrests, and quick,
or you'll be the poster boy
for departmental waste.
Slam dunk... returned.
Not if we make those arrests...
Three-point dunk.
You guys really
don't know enough
about basketball
to be doing this.
Join hands, one and all,
for we have reached
the final event
of the Jimmy Jabs,
the obstacle course.
Good luck. You're gonna need it.
Yes. We all need luck.
Thank you for offering me some.
On your mark...
get Seth... Rogen!
Go, Amy!
Contestants must make
it past the barricade hurdles
then use a bean bag gun
to get a snack.
Ah!
You will eat the snack
in its entirety.
- Ha!
- Mmm!
Come on...
close, close, close, close!
Ah!
Ugh!
Next, head down
to the first floor
where you will locate
a pamphlet about bullying.
Then print out a picture of me
using a laptop from 1982.
Whoever grabs
their printout first
is the winner!
Aah!
Surprise twist!
Aah!
What are you doing,
Santiago? Go!
Aah!
It's burning my skin!
No broken rolly wheels!
I did it! I took my time,
I wasn't a crazy idiot
and I won!
I finally wo-on
Oh, yeah
Yes! Ye...
What's going on here?
Someone answer him now!
Santiago!
Peralta!
Boyle?
Hitchcock is very handsome.
Why, thank you, Boyle.
- No one has anything to say?
Captain.
What you just saw
was the Jimmy Jab Games.
It's a bunch of dumb contests
we play to kill the time.
Nobody even cares who wins.
I won!
It's stupid, but we like it.
Clean this up. Now.
Boyle, I'm ready to take this
to the next stage.
You're gonna pierce my ear...
wait. What are you doing
in my locker?
I can't do this.
I can't make you look cool.
Because you're afraid
that Jake and I
are gonna cut you out.
- Well, you're not wrong.
- I'm gonna find that tape.
You think
I'd just leave something
that valuable lying around?
- I got it on me.
- Oh! Gimme that tape!
Ah! Gimme that tape!
Jake! Help me!
- Ugh!
- Ah!
The Serbian president's plane
is wheels up.
Report to your motorcade
positions immediately.
Let's go!
Hey, you gave it a good try.
Sorry you lost.
No. It's for the best.
I let Amy win.
Close, close, close, close!
- Ah!
- Oh!
You're right. I'm not over her.
Boyle, get out.
I need to talk to Jake.
Okay... Bye!
I warmed up the seat.
Ugh, he did warm up the seat.
It's like a fire pit.
Look,
if you're here for your $200,
can I interest you in a check
that will definitely bounce?
- No. You will pay me in cash.
- 'Kay.
Look, I thought I was over Amy,
but clearly I'm not, you know?
- I'm as frustrated as you are.
- I'm not frustrated.
But I am not enjoying this.
It is not like you
to get hung up on a girl.
I don't know what to do.
You call Katie.
That's what you do.
Only way to move on
is to move on
whether you think
you're ready to or not.
Gotta get out there, man.
All right... Thank you.
Good luck.
Are you okay, sir?
I don't want to sound dramatic,
but today has been sub-optimal.
That doesn't leave this office.
Wuntch beat me.
The squad was a disaster.
And in the end,
you know who I'm angriest with?
- Yourself?
- No, Wuntch.
I need this task force
to succeed,
and there's not a detective here
who's adult enough to lead it.
Peralta and Santiago
were cowards,
Diaz was disrespectful,
and I just saw
Hitchcock and Boyle
fighting like children.
Let go of me!
Hitchcock, gimme that tape!
You're squeezing my boobs!
Sir, I know you think
Rosa disrespected you,
but I found her inspiring.
She did what I should have done.
Stand up and tell you the truth.
And what truth is that?
First, everyone else made
this Wuntch-lunch connection
instantly.
Second, Wuntch didn't beat you.
She saddled me
with this task force.
You think
she's consumed with pettiness?
You're no better.
Yes, the task force is risky,
but it gives us a chance to do
a lot of good in the community.
Sir, if you ask me,
you're acting like
a real Victor Emmanuel III.
You used that insult
completely incorrectly.
But...
I suppose I have let Madeline...
distract me from our purpose.
Which is why I think
Rosa should lead the task force.
There's no BS with her.
Agreed... Thank you, Sergeant.
And I know you were lying
about that Wuntch-lunch thing.
That was mine.
How was the motorcade?
Any assassinations?
No. It was boring.
Well, thanks for getting
the tape back.
Oh!
- Got it!
Oh!
I'll see you tonight
at my place?
God, I hate you. Don't be late.
Not a doctor. Shh.