PERALTA?
YOU MISSED SCULLY'S BIRTHDAY.
WE MISSED SCULLY'S BIRTHDAY,
(Amy)
I HAD TO GO TO THE VET
THAT'S BETTER THAN MY EXCUSE.
TO MY GIRLS' BAT MITZVAHS.
SCULLY'S BIRTHDAY,
LET'S GIVE HIM CASH.
EVERYONE, PUT IN $20 EACH:
UH...
YES, I'LL COVER YOU.
HUH?
WE'RE SORRY
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YES, THE CAPITAL OF ECUADOR
OH.
YOU'RE THE BEST.
(all)
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THE FAKE BIRTHDAY WORKED!
YOU'RE A GENIUS!
WE'RE BOTH GENIUSES!
I'M RUNNING THIS TASK FORCE,
GOT IT?
FIND OUT IF IT'S GIGGLE PIG.
WORK YOUR C:I.s.
HEY.
SORRY I'M LATE.
IN WHAT WORLD DOES "EVERYTHING"
NOT INCLUDE BEEF JERKY?
HERE'S WHAT'S UP.
SECOND GUY WE'VE BROUGHT IN
THAT'S HAD ONE OF THESE KEYS.
HUH.
OLD WARDROBE/PORTAL
IT'S GOT "USPS"
WE'RE UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE
YOU'RE MY FRIEND,
AND I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
I'M GONNA PUSH YOU UP,
WHAT?
MAN.
NOT BETTER.
HERE WE GO!
AGAIN?
MAN?
I'M SORRY.
LET'S START FRESH.
HI!
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
I'M JUST A LITTLE ON EDGE
BECAUSE I'M TRYING
I CAN'T TAKE THE STRESS
TEDDY!
I'M GOING COLD TURKEY,
WE'LL DO EVERYTHING
OR, PLAN B: I COULD ARRANGE
THIS ONE'S
WE'RE LOOKING
AGENT JACK DANGER?
CODE FOR "BADASS."
AH, HERE WE ARE:
ARE YOU DANGER?
JACK DANGER?
IT'S ACTUALLY PRONOUNCED
"DONG-ER."
IT'S DERIVED
MEANING "PRUDENCE
IN FINANCIAL MATTERS."
OH, JACK DONGER:
USPIS?
U.S. POSTAL
IN 1772,
UNDOUBTEDLY THE GREAT MAN'S
IN AMERICA?
I AM.
1,200 INSPECTORS TACKLING
LITTLE BROTHERS?
YOU'RE JUST A LOCAL COP.
UH, WE'RE HERE
YES.
WE ACTUALLY HAVEN'T USED
UH, NO EMAIL:
I'LL SEND IT TO YOU
WITH A ROBOCOP?
I'VE LITERALLY DRAWN SKETCHES
HEY, HOW'S COLD TURKEY GOING?
BUT
FOOD...
YOU'RE NOT CLOSED!
IT'S 6:00!
I NEED MY MUSHU PORK!
I NEED MY MUSHU!
I FINALLY STOPPED EATING?
YOU GOT TOO BIG TO FIT
THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR?
ARE YOU READY TO REBOOT?
WHEN I'D FEEL A FOOD CRAVING,
AAH!
WHOO!
I'M ALL GOOD!
YOU TRY!
NOW!
DO IT AGAIN!
IT'S SO COLD!
IT'S REALLY COLD!
I'M GLAD DANGER WAS USEFUL.
IT'S "DONG-ER."
"DONG-EST."
CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE BEING
RIGHT?
THEM "THE LITTLEST VICTIMS."
"FROM NOW ON"?
YUP.
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.
PLEASE TELL ME I DON'T HAVE
HI.
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE WE'RE THIS
PROUD NATION'S FIRST DEFENSE
OH.
[singing along
to marching band music]
SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
B-SIDE'S GOT
THANK GOD WE'RE HERE.
THERE'S A BOX UP THERE.
OH, YEAH: THAT IS SOME SWEET
SEE IF HE'S SEEN
UH, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY
DON'T LIKE COPS,
THEY DO?
THAT'S WHY THE PHRASE
INTO PEOPLE'S LIVES
IS "GOING POSTAL."
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
"GOING POSTAL" MEANS THAT...
I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!
THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS.
AND CHECK OUT THE BOX?
WHAT'S THE POINT
OF THAT THING?
I'D BE LYING IF I SAID
IT DIDN'T LOOK INSANELY COOL.
I WOULDN'T.
IT'S GIGGLE PIG.
YES!
STOP!
WHOA!
OW, OW, OW,
HELP ME UP!
HELP!
DON'T DITCH ME!
HE'S GONE.
YOU OKAY?
NO, I'M RATTLED.
HEY.
HMM?
AMY?
OH, I WAS JUST GOING
I'VE BEEN TRAINING.
THAT I GOTTA SEE!
DIDN'T WORK.
I DON'T LIKE
GO, RAZZMATAZ:
IT'S BUGLE BOY,
YOU'RE GOING ME
GREAT!
I'M SORRY, LET ME GET
20 YARDS FROM YOU:
AND HE GOT AWAY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT?
I'M SORRY, ROSA, CAN I TALK
TO YOU IN PRIVATE FOR A SECOND?
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW DONGER
WHAT A FAX MACHINE IS?
IT'S NOT JUST
THAT DONGER'S ANNOYING.
HE'S THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TOOL.
NO, TOOLS CAN BE USEFUL:
HE'S THE WORLD'S SMALLEST TOOL.
I'M THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TOOL.
GOD! DO YOU SEE
WHAT HE'S DOING TO ME?
DIDN'T JUST RANDOMLY START
THERE'S CLEARLY
LET'S JUST PUT THIS
WITH THIS BEHONKUS?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
"BEHONKUS" MEANS, BUT YES.
"BEHONKUS" MEANS BUTT,
I'M ASKING YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FRIEND.
ABOUT HOW USPIS "MAILED DOWN"
I'M GONNA GIVE HIM
DON'T HAVE THAT ADDRESS.
OH, I KNOW:
SO HOW DO YOU FEEL?
I'M IN A STATE
SO...
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.
STEAL YOUR BELT?
WHAT HUSBAND?
SHE'S A WIDOW.
I... UH-OH, I HAVE TO GO:
IN THERE?
NO.
WHY DO I SEE SMOKE?
THAT'S STEAM.
I'M IN THE SHOWER.
DOING WITH OLD POSTAL KEYS?
MM, BARKING UP
DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES.
REALLY?
IF IT WASN'T A MISTAKE,
WHO COLLECTED THE KEYS?
BOOM!
THAT'S OUR LIST OF SUSPECTS.
"THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE KEY."
OH.
THAT'S A NO-GO.
ALL RIGHT?
ONCE THEY KNOW WE'RE ONTO THEM,
THEY'RE DONE WITH THE BOXES.
I'M A FEDERAL AGENT.
YOU'RE NOT FBI.
YOU'RE NOT ATF.
"SURPRISINGLY, WE EXIST."
"NOS CUSTODIMUS QUOD LINGUS."
"WE GUARD WHAT YOU LICK."
THAT'S WORSE!
NO, FORGET IT:
I'M NOT GIVING YOU
WE'RE GONNA KEEP SURVEILLING
THEN WE'LL GO
HEY, IF YOU'RE HUNGRY,
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'M GONNA GO
I'M GONNA PRINT OUT
IT'S KIND OF RISKY, JAKE.
ROSA'S GONNA BE MAD.
I'LL BE LOOKOUT.
JAKE!
WHAT? IS HE COMING?
NO, BUT THERE'S
THERE'S BANANA BREAD TOO!
WHAT?
THIS PRINTER IS SO SLOW!
UGH, THIS PLACE
IS THE WORST!
THAT'S THE GUY
OPEN UP!
I'M GONNA
NO, LET ME DO IT:
THAT'S NEVER GONE WELL.
YES, BUT I'VE BEEN PRACTICING.
POLICE!
HANDS IN THE AIR!
I DID IT!
YES!
THAT'S THE BAD GUY.
YUP, YUP.
(Amy)
WHAT'S GOING ON?
IS THIS A DREAM?
NO, I'M NOT HOLDING
AMY, I'M TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR
AND, AMY,
YOU DON'T KNOW THIS
'CAUSE I DON'T NECESSARILY
BUT IN MY EARLY 20s,
AND IT'S GONNA DO
(all)
I'M NOT HEARING EVERYONE.
I FEEL IT!
AMY!
WHAT? I'M NOT
CHEATER!
WE'RE TRYING
I CAN'T DO IT.
MY FRIEND!
WHAT THE HELL?
MM.
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
IF I'D LISTENED TO HIM, I NEVER
THERE'S A HUGE GIGGLE PIG
I DIDN'T DO IT
WE'RE FRIENDS
YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT?
DONGER'S FURIOUS.
HE'S ON HIS WAY OVER HERE NOW
BECAUSE THEY'RE
WHAT!
HE CAN'T DO THAT.
HE CAN.
THEY'RE A FEDERAL AGENCY.
SCULLY'S ELBOW BLISTERS.
IT'S HORRIBLE AND I DESERVE IT.
I DIDN'T FOLLOW HER ORDERS
WHAT?
NO!
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
I'VE BEEN TERRIFIED
I'M SORRY I WAS A JERK.
I'M SORRY I SAID
"FOREVER" STAMPS ARE A LIE
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
AND I'M NOT BUYING IT
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SORRY AND
I DON'T THINK YOU RESPECT USPIS.
A HISTORY OF THE USPIS."
OH, GREAT READ!
IN THE 16TH CENTURY
DO YOU WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT?
FROM WASHINGTON D:C.
LET'S JUMP AHEAD TO 1820...
YOU'RE JUST GONNA JUMP
A WHOLE DECADE?
I'M DYING
INSPECTOR'S SICKLY WIFE
OH, THANK YOU:
DELROY WON'T TELL US WHERE
THE SHIPMENT'S GOING TONIGHT
THIS PHONE NUMBER?
IT DOESN'T EXIST.
WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?
BUT THEY'RE NOWHERE NEAR HERE.
27889, THAT'S WASHINGTON,
80751, THAT'S STERLING,
MR. POSTMAN!
THAT'S WHERE THE GIGGLE PIG
DELIVERY'S GONNA BE?
YUP.
COULD YOU PLEASE KNOCK IT OFF?
IT'S LIKE WORKING INSIDE
OH NO,
YOU'RE PUTTING YOURSELF
"FAMILIAR WITH?"
MM.
A DANGLING PREPOSITION?
I'M SETTING AN EXAMPLE.
I MADE AN ERROR AND I'M NOT
I'M JUST GONNA
IT'S GOING DOWN.
NO, I ACTUALLY WANT TO DO IT:
UGH, SO I HAVE TO SUFFER?
I'LL MAKE IT QUICK.
I DIDN'T FOLLOW
I'M A JERK, I'M SORRY.
SO THAT'S WHAT ETERNITY
WHAT'S THE PLAN?
WHAT?
OH, SURE, WHATEVER YOU NEED:
ON IT.
NO, I'M JUST KIDDING,
YOU'RE COMING IN WITH US.
READY?
TWO, ONE.
POLICE!
DOWN!
GO OUT THE BACK DOOR!
GET DOWN!
UNH!
HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!
UNH.
WHAT HAPPENED?
DO I HAVE A BRUISE?
YES! I'M GOING ON THE WALL
DID WE CATCH ALL THE BAD GUYS?
YUP, WE GOT 'EM.
YOU'RE LYING IN RAT TURDS.
IT'S ALL PART OF THE JOB,
IT'S ALL PART OF THE JOB.
SHH.