Gregor Minsk, the counterfeiter
I've been chasing
for two years,
has finally resurfaced.
And he's just as evil
as ever.
Right. You hate him
because he has a typo
on his counterfeit bills.
No.
Because he passed $4 million
in fraudulent bills, Jake.
But also,
two Rs in "pluribus?"
I mean, did none of those
cashiers take Latin?
Okay, let's give Amy
a round of applause
for whatever that was.
Police briefing.
Still in progress.
And you did great.
But let's get serious,
people.
Tomorrow is the wedding.
My mom is marrying,
shudder,
Charles' dad,
toilet emoji.
We are gonna be
brother and sister.
To think this started
with us just going to town
or each others
sexy parts.
Charles, promise me
that is not in your toast.
It's not.
Come on, man.
Look, I need everything
to be perfect.
Status update, Rosa.
How are the flowers?
I don't know.
Yellow.
Terr-bear?
I had my tuxedo altered
to make it tighter
like you wanted.
Delicious.
Jake, have you checked in
with the jeweler?
Yes.
They said the ring
will be ready at 2:00
on the wedding day.
I'm gonna pick it up
on my way to the ceremony.
This is very important, Jake.
Are you sure
you can handle it?
Uh, well, let's see.
Easy, last-minute,
and crucial as hell.
Meets all
the Peralta criteria.
Good.
These tasks
are top priority
around here, people.
I don't care how many
criminals go free.
All right?
Dismissed.
Uh, I'm not done
with my briefing yet.
I said dismissed!
Guys, guess who
I'm about to see.
The Bubes?
Michael Buble?
Okay, you're the only one
who calls him that.
And no.
Jenny Gildenhorn.
The girl who dumped you
at your bar mitzvah?
Yes. I can still see
her slow-dancing
with Eddie Fung.
I'll never forgive that bitch
for what she did to you.
Well, you better
forgive her because
she's about to become,
uh, my girlfriend.
Turns out Gina's mom
is friends
with Jenny Gildenhorn's mom,
and Jenny is gonna be
at the wedding.
That's right.
I'm finally gonna get
the slow-dance
that Fung denied me.
Is she even single?
Uh-huh.
For the first time
since we were 13.
Eddie Fung was replaced
by Colin Brandow,
then Ethan Stokes,
then Tanya Astor,
don't tell her mother,
then she met her husband,
Matt Hench,
who she divorced
three months ago.
Probably because
he's a major loser.
I mean, Assistant
U.S. Attorney?
Get a real job.
You really kept tabs
on her, huh?
It's most of what
I do here.
A-ee. A-ee.
What's happening?
Is Charles having
a stroke?
No, he's warning me
you're here
so I won't talk
about other girls.
Just thought it might be
weird for you,
because of your history.
It's not weird at all.
Yeah.
I told Amy I liked her,
she told me she was deeply
in love with me,
and it's all in the past.
I did not say "love"
or "deeply."
It's in the past, Amy.
Move on!
Rosa, I had a question
about Marcus and the wedding.
I'm not bringing Marcus.
You guys broke up, huh?
Mm, just hit it
and quit it.
We are so similar.
We did not break up.
I'm just not totally sold
on the relationship yet,
and I don't wanna bring him
to some stupid wedding
where he might get
all romantic and say,
"I love you."
I mean, what am I
supposed to do then?
Say "I love you" back?
I've only said "I love you"
to three people.
My mom, my dad,
and my dying grandpa.
And one of those
I regret.
Which one?
Grandpa.
He beat cancer,
so now I look like an idiot.
Wow, man.
Would either of you
like a starring role
in the wedding
of the century?
I already told you,
I'm not go-go dancing.
Well, someone's
getting in that cage.
But more importantly,
my mom's priest dropped out,
so I need one of you two
to step up.
Who would be better equipped
to deliver a heartfelt,
emotional speech about love?
I have to imagine
it's not me.
I could do it.
I'm already ordained.
Mario, Karen, yesterday
was chest and shoulders.
Today, and for the rest
of your life,
it's heart and soul.
Smart.
You tailored the ceremony
to the bride
and groom's interests.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's totally what I was doing.
I mean, working out
is not the only thing
I feel comfortable
talking about.
Uh, what would you say is your
mom's favorite move at the gym?
My mom likes champagne,
baked ziti, the Bahamas.
Charles's dad probably lives
under a bridge
and uses a puddle
as a mirror.
I don't know.
You figure it out.
Okay.
I got the ring.
Let's go.
Okay, thanks.
Try to stay off heroin.
Your mom?
No.
That was my informant.
She spotted my counterfeiter
four blocks from here.
We have to go check it out.
Uh, but I wanted to get to
the wedding early
and reserve a seat so Jenny
can sit on my right side.
I'm been practicing
my crying
and it turns out
this is my juicier duct.
Please? I've been chasing
this guy for two years.
What if it was
your collar?
I would have caught him
nine months ago
in a shootout on top
of a ferris wheel.
Minsk is my nemesis.
He's my Eddie Fung.
Fung.
All right,
that I understand.
We'll check out
your lead,
then we'll go
to the wedding.
Let's go find
Eddie Fung.
Minsk.
Right. Minsk.
Fung.
Oh, Regina, everything is
so beautiful.
Well, as long as you're happy,
I'm happy.
Rosa, ah, there you are.
Can you help my dad
with his cuff links?
Sure.
I would do it,
but it's bad luck
for a boy to see his father
on his wedding day.
Oh, well, in that case,
no.
Rosa, please.
It's a slippery slope
from uncuffed sleeves
to Lynn just wearing
an old turtleneck
down the aisle.
Actually, my dad
can really rock a turtleneck.
Gives him a sexy
Elliott Gould vibe.
Charles, shut up.
Rosa, go find Lynn Boyle
and cuff his ass.
There you go.
Thanks.
You nervous?
Oh, not at all.
I love Darlene Linetti
with all my parts.
Wow.
I can't ever imagine
being with someone
and not having any doubts.
I have little doubts.
Tiny little doubts.
You think that's
a problem?
I mean, not if you're sure
she's the one.
Yes.
Of course.
But I was sure about
my five other weddings, too.
Please, don't tell Charles.
He only... he only knows
about three.
Back-to-back Catfish
situations, you know?
Same kid both times
actually.
That's okay.
Just took you a while
to get it right.
Yeah, or maybe I'm just
doing the same thing
over and over again.
Lynn Boyle rushes headlong
into another mistake.
Like that time
I tried water aerobics
and I broke my neck.
This is a disaster.
All right, I'm gonna
go get Charles.
I wonder what Jenny Gildenhorn
will be wearing tonight.
Do you think she'll be in her
high school
field hockey uniform?
That'd be crazy, right?
Yes, it'd be crazy if that's
what she wears to a wedding.
Yeah, you're right.
Ah, well, I hate to say it,
but there's no sign of Minsk.
We should really get going.
Jenny awaits.
Oh, my God.
Look!
Fung.
Minsk!
Right, Minsk.
I know it's Minsk.
Let's go!
Clear.
He's gotta be in here
somewhere.
Clear.
I love this.
Tux on, gun out.
I feel like James Bond
and you're my mysterious
femme fatale
that I've been
partnered with, Maxi Pads.
Maxi Pads?
I don't know!
I didn't want to make
the name too sexual
and I panicked!
Clear.
If we catch this guy
in the next 15 minutes,
we can still make the wedding.
So what's your opening line
gonna be with Jenny Gildenhorn?
I was thinking I'd go with,
"Jamie Gordenhorn?"
You know, make it seem like
I haven't been staring at her
on the Internet
for the past 20 years.
Or you could call her
by her real name.
Girls like that.
I don't know.
I think girls like
being deceived.
No?
Okay.
Clear.
So, you're really okay with me
and Jenny Gildenhorn, huh?
Totally.
Stuff with us
is in the past.
We talked about that.
I know.
But that was before you
saw me in this dope-ass tux.
I mean, you must be
freaking out.
Oh, I am.
I'm really into rented clothes.
I love how many butts
have been in them.
I know you're
making fun of me,
but that sexy voice
is kinda getting me going.
But more importantly, this is
a fancy outfit, all right?
I sprang for the
three button jacket.
It was $8 extra.
He's heading for the alley.
Whoa, hey.
Dad, it's your son
under here.
Charles Boyle.
Rosa said you had
a personal question.
No, I'm not. I'm not.
I'm just second-guessing
every decision I ever made.
Oh, my God, why did I buy
a cube-shaped car?
Because you love it.
Dad, listen...
Oh!
Let's just sit down...
Oh!
Screw a 2,000-year-old
tradition.
I'm taking the bag off.
Okay, Dad, listen.
Everyone gets nervous.
Everyone gets cold feet.
I was nervous
before I married Eleanor.
She ended up
cheating on you
with the guy from
the mattress commercials.
Sleepy Stu?
Don't bring up
Sleepy Stu.
Rosa thinks I should
call off the wedding.
That is not what I said.
This is why I don't talk
to people.
I just asked him
if he was feeling nervous.
Rosa, you know how suggestible
Boyle men are.
I saw one Samuel L. Jackson
movie,
and I work a Kangol hat
for three years.
Ah!
There has been a mix-up
and the caterer has cooked
one of the doves,
so I need some good news.
How is that speech going?
Do you want to hear it?
Yes.
"Darlene and Lynn,
"I want you to remember
the words of Luther Vandross:
"'A thousand kisses
from you...
"'A thousand kisses from you
"'is never too much...'"
Every time he reads it,
he breaks down.
I thought you had
done this before.
Well, yeah, but that was just
workout metaphors.
You told me to get gorgeous
with it,
and it took me to some
very real places.
Terry, I'm sorry,
but you're fired.
Captain, the speech is yours.
It needs to be emotional
and poetic.
Can you do it?
Well, my first Captain
used to call me
Emily Dickinson.
Great.
Of course, he meant it as
an insult about my sexuality,
but don't worry.
I am good at emotion.
NYPD!
We know you're here, Minsk!
Freeze!
Hey!
Gregor Minsk,
you're under arrest.
Oh!
I can't let Jenny see me
like this.
I ripped my cummerbund.
It's okay.
I have an extra one.
You can borrow it.
From my high school
jazz band uniform.
I'm only gonna tell you this
because you were
a great partner today.
Uh-huh?
I played French horn.
I still do.
Oh, whaaaaaaaaat?
The guests are all here
and nothing is ready.
We don't have a ring, the cake
says, "Darlene and Lunn,"
and the smoke machine
is not working.
I could crouch by the altar
and vape.
You are a stone-cold atrocity.
Okay, we just need to make sure
nothing else goes wrong.
Charles...
Hmm?
Where is your dad?
Where is Lunn?
Um, he's still having a little
trouble with his cuff links.
You know us Boyle men
and our clumsy ham hands.
Please say you're not
gonna reference
your ham hands in your toast.
Well, you made me take out
the brother-sister sex stuff,
so there was this big hole
on page 18.
Page 18?
Made it!
Made it in time.
Ew, Amy!
Your dress is filthy.
Luckily I brought you
a spare outfit.
Hmm?
I knew I was gonna hate
whatever you chose.
Oh, my God.
It's Jenny.
She's here.
Okay, how do I look?
You look great.
Go get her, Bond.
Thanks, Maxi Pads.
Jenny Gildenhorn?
I didn't know you were
coming to this.
Jake Peralta?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
How are you?
I'm good.
Wow.
Oh, sorry I'm
a little bit ruffled.
I arrested a very dangerous
counterfeiter on my way here.
Ah, look at that.
One of my three jacket buttons
is unbuttoned.
Must have happened
during the fight.
That's embarrassing.
Hey, I don't know anyone here.
Want to sit together?
Uh, yes, I would.
After you.
Uh, Jake, wait!
What are you doing?
Give me the ring.
You sound like Gollum.
That means nothing to me.
I don't see those movies.
I'm too pretty.
Okay.
Well, not to worry.
I've got the ring right here.
Nope.
Those are my mints.
I eat mints.
No big deal.
Um... uh-huh...
I lost the ring.
Oh, my God.
I must have dropped the ring
somewhere around here
during the takedown.
I'm so stupid!
No, it's my fault.
I made us go after Minsk.
Please don't climb in here.
I don't want you
smelling like garbage
for your slow-dance
with Jenny Gildenhorn.
Oh, don't worry.
The only thing
I'm gonna smell like
is the Jason Priestly cologne
I wore in middle school.
It's just called "Brandon,"
and it is overpowering.
Jake! Look!
Oh, my God!
You found it!
And you're on one knee.
Are you proposing?
Yes.
Will you, Jacob Peralta,
accept this ring
and bring it with me to our
weird friends' parents' wedding?
Yes.
A thousand times, yes!
Oh!
Tight.
Yeah, it's so tight, dawg.
And no, I mean the ring
is actually tight.
Amy, it's stuck.
The ring is stuck.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me try.
We have to get this off.
Jenny's gonna think
I'm married.
Also it'll ruin
Lynn and Darlene's wedding.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's just us here.
You don't have to pretend
like you care about them.
Okay.
Jake has the ring.
I found an extra place setting
for your psychic.
Strange, she said
you wouldn't be able to.
Because she's a fraud.
You need to start seeing
my psychic.
Best of all, I fixed this!
It's working!
How'd you do that?
I grew up with a smoke machine
in the apartment, Charles.
I liked to enter the kitchen
in the morning with vivacity.
Regina, you're amazing.
Everything's just perfect.
Thank you for making this
the third-best day of my life.
Third?
First was having you.
Second was sleeping
with a roadie
for the Steve Miller Band.
Oh!
I love you, Mom.
I love you.
Grab some of those
if you're throwing 'em out.
Mwah!
My mom.
You did so great.
I, however, hit a small snag.
No!
Do not take off that tux, Lynn!
What are you doing?
We had a deal.
I said,
"If you hurt my mother,
I will cut off
your son's testicles."
You're right.
Cut 'em off!
No!
Okay.
As much as I would love
to do that,
I would like my mom
to be happy.
So can you please have a seat?
Mm-hmm.
And just explain to me
what is going on.
I'm worried I'm just
rushing into this.
I barely know your mom.
I don't even know
her favorite kind of soup.
Is it tomato?
Nobody likes soup, Lynn.
You're a family
of soup-haters.
What have I done?
Look.
Do you know
why my mom loves you?
Because you take big risks.
Like how you got her that dog
on your second date.
Those kind of things
just blow up in my face
half the time.
I mean, the dog
worked out great, but...
The dog was a disaster.
She hates it.
But she loved that you took
that shot.
Do you know who never,
ever rushes into anything?
Cowards.
That's exactly right, Rosa.
Cowards.
And you're a weirdo.
I'd call you a hobbit...
Yeah.
A human pile
of mashed potatoes...
Mm-hmm.
But you are no coward,
Lynn Boyle.
Lynn Linetti.
I'm taking your mother's name.
Oh!
You're making this hard.
My mom loves you.
You love her.
Now follow your big,
weird heart.
Oh, you're right.
It's time for a wedding!
Pants, Dad!
Pants!
A wedding with pants!
Yeah.
Wedding's starting soon.
How are things going?
I was just ordained at
www.internetministry4cheap.com,
but I'm having some trouble
with my speech.
All I've got so far is a poem.
Ooh, a poem.
Sounds romantic.
"Marriage is a contract
between two adults
of different families."
It's a haiku...
and a fact.
It works on two levels.
Uh, it feels
a little impersonal.
What did the officiant say
when you got married?
Not much.
When gay marriage was legalized,
we weren't sure if or when it
was gonna be struck down,
so speed was of the essence.
Do you, Kevin...
Yes.
And do you...
Yes, yes, we do!
We're married!
I remarked afterwards
that I wished the officiant
had been more efficient.
It was very funny.
Kevin still talks about it.
Aha! Maybe I should open
with that zinger.
- It is amazingly funny.
- Oh.
I'm just not sure this
is the right crowd for it.
No zinger?
No haiku?
Then I have nothing.
Maybe I should wing it.
it sustains you.
It's like... oatmeal.
Okay, okay.
Not bad for winging it.
I lied.
Took me two hours
to write that.
- How do I look?
- Oh!
You look incredible!
- Up high!
- Down low!
Butts, butts, butts.
You're the worst family
in history,
but at least you're ready.
Scully's run out of songs.
Right now, he's singing.
Best rock and roll song
ever written.
Tied with Kokomo.
Hey!
So we have good news
and we have great news.
The good news is
we found the ring.
The great news is
we'll never lose it again.
What are you trying to say?
The ring is stuck
on his finger.
I told him not to be cute
about it.
I'm cute about everything.
Okay, okay, what do we do?
I could pull the ring off,
but it might hurt
your little fingers.
That's fine.
I just won't look
so I don't know when
you're gonna do it.
Jenny!
No!
Okay, this is your last chance
to carry me bodyguard-style,
so...
Absolutely not.
20 years later
and I've been Funged again.
She Funged me!
She doesn't seem
that great.
We just saw her making out
with a guy
she barely even knows.
No, it's not her fault.
Did you see that guy's
tux jacket?
Four buttons.
We did this.
Our sex made this happen.
Charles, mic's on.
We can hear all this, bud.
I'm Captain Raymond Holt.
Welcome.
Marriage is a contract...
but it's so much more than that.
Marriage is love.
It's commitment,
it's joy, it's understanding,
it's patience, it's anger,
it's reconciliation,
it's everything.
It's like oatmeal.
It... sustains you.
Darlene, do you take Lynn to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
Lynn, do you take Darlene
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Yeah!
Get it, Daddy!
Yeah!
I gotta hand it to you,
Captain.
That was some ceremony.
It wasn't difficult.
I simply said what I wish
had been said
when Kevin and I got married.
Oh, then I never would have
heard your hilarious
"efficient-officiant" quip.
Mmm, you're right.
I regret nothing.
But all this does make me think
I might enjoy a more...
festive expression of our
commitment to one another.
Are you suggesting we hold
an honest to goodness wedding?
Nothing too elaborate.
We're not the Kardashian-Wests,
after all.
They are a musician
and a celebrity personality
who recently wedded.
Yes, yes, I know.
They were answers on Jeopardy.
I think you mean questions.
You guys are fun.
He's not playing
my playlist.
Congratulations, Charles.
Marcus!
Rosa said you weren't coming.
Yeah, I wasn't.
Just got the call
about an hour ago.
Oh, but, hey.
I'm DVR-ing Bones,
so no spoilers.
Don't worry.
I don't watch.
Too scary.
I'm gonna ask the DJ
to play Kokomo,
and get this place turnt up.
So... I didn't ask you
to the wedding
because I was being a coward.
I was scared things
were moving too quickly,
but I don't give a crap.
I love you.
That's all I wanted to say.
If you had plans tonight,
you can get out of here.
I love you too.
Doesn't have Kokomo.
You guys are in the middle
of something.
I'm gonna go to the car,
get my CDs.
How is this song playing?
Hey.
Sorry you missed your chance
with Jenny Gildenhorn.
It's not a big deal.
She's just a girl
that I've been obsessed with
since I learned what love was.
Well, we got
the bad guy today.
Thank you for
helping me.
And I know it's not
Jenny Gildenhorn,
but if you wanted
to slow-dance tonight,
I know somebody who'd be
into that.
Okay.
Perfect.
This is Gina's
great-aunt Susan.
Hi.
She's been asking
about you all night.
She thinks you're very handsome.
Says you have a dancer's frame.
Well, you have a good eye,
milady.
Shall we?
Oh... you.
She's very handsy.
Not a doctor.
Shh.