Heads up... there's
our perp, looking all
perpy, just perping
his way down Perp Street.
- Take a picture!
- Give me one second.
This light is really
unflattering for his complexion.
It doesn't have
to be perfect.
Tom Olson is a bad dude.
He's held up four electronic
stores at gunpoint.
Man, I wish you hadn't read
that Annie Leibovitz book.
Quit calling it a book.
It was a visual journey.
You probably think I should
shoot this in color
instead of black and white.
Yes!
Shoot color!
Why have you been shooting
black and white?
Wait.
Where's he going now?
Come on.
Damn it.
NYPD! Freeze!
He's trapped!
Top-of-car foot chase!
My birthday wish
finally came true!
Keep it up, Jake!
He's yours!
I know!
I feel like the coolest person
in New York City!
Ooh, nice pimp walk,
pimp.
Well, thank you,
pimpin' playa.
Whoa.
That is not a pimp walk.
That's a limp walk.
You sure you should
be here today, Jake?
I mean, you
wiped out hard.
It wasn't so much
a wipeout
as it was a controlled
power fall, Sarge.
Well...
That's his
disagreement squeak.
You wiped out.
What'd the doctor say?
Welcome; we haven't
seen you in 11 years.
Haven't been to the
doctor in 11 years.
How trill is that?
Your tone's braggy,
but your words
are real sad.
Hmm.
Did he clear you
for active duty?
First of all, the
doctor was a woman.
There's a such thing
as women doctors, Sarge.
I lied for effect.
It was a man.
And he said that I
was perfectly fine,
except for three
cracked ribs
and a broken toe,
which were right next
to two other broken toes.
Did he clear you or not?
He did not. All right.
Let's get to work, guys.
We got a perp to catch.
Oh, forget that.
Uh-uh. No. Look.
There's a APB out
for your guy.
Lots of cops
are looking for him.
You don't need
to be here.
Sarge, I know this case
better than anyone,
and I am this close
to solving it.
Your fingers are
really far apart.
Yeah, I also have a hairline
fracture in my thumb.
Mankind's least important
finger... am I right?
Sarge, please.
Please.
Please, please, please.
Just let me stay
on the case, all right?
I promise I won't go
into the field
or do anything dangerous.
Fine.
You can work the case
from right here,
but you are tied
to your desk.
Ooh.
Tied to my desk.
Mr. Grey will see
you now, Sarge.
You wanted to see me, sir?
We have a situation,
and it's bad.
Check your e-mail.
- No.
- Yes.
Kevin insists
on you and Marcus
joining us for dinner
at our house.
But we agreed to keep
our personal
and professional
lives separate.
It is weird enough
I am dating your nephew
without dragging your
husband and dog into it.
You think I want this?
Because I do not want this.
Sadly, Marcus and Kevin
can be held off no longer.
Okay.
So what's
our play here?
My stomach's
a little off.
I could say
I'm sick.
Well, I've used the sick
excuse for you eight times.
I think they're
catching on.
You could say
you're sick.
No one would ever
believe that.
No.
This is happening.
But don't worry.
I have a plan to keep things
from getting too personal.
I'm inviting some
intimacy buffers.
Dinner party at your house?
Oh, mama!
I will be there.
All I ask is that you
clear the furniture
out of your living room
so I can show Kev
some of my new dance opera.
Why just some of it?
Do the whole thing.
Yes; nothing would
make me happier.
See you Thursday
at 8:00.
Copy that, Cap-I-tan!
Later, skater.
Yes.
This is wonderful.
The dinner's not
for four days,
and you're already
freaking out.
Excuse me.
Did you not just hear me
say, "Later, skater"?
All right. Fine.
There's a slight chance
that, in the past,
I may have tried a little
too hard around the captain.
So this time, I'm gonna
be super chill.
Good plan.
Whoa!
It just says
you got uninvited.
What?
Oh, honey.
Oh. I get it.
You're joking.
See? I'm cool.
I get jokes.
Boyle, have you
seen Jake?
No.
I was out getting him
some healing broth.
I was torn between
chicken or beef,
but then it hit me.
Goat!
What happened?
I heard a bang!
No. No bang.
Everything's totally normal.
Really?
It looks, to me, like
you did something stupid
like try to lift
a heavy box.
Sarge, come on.
In my condition?
Suck it, MacGyver.
Pretty elegant
solution, right?
No!
Everything
fell everywhere.
All you had to do
was sit at your desk.
What is your problem?
I don't have a problem.
I'm just trying
to solve this case,
and everyone's
making a huge deal
because I have
a few minor injuries
to my ribs, ankle,
hand, toes, and jaw.
- Jaw?
- Yeah, that just happened.
I got hit in the face
with a box.
But look.
I'm fine.
- I promise you.
- No, you're not.
I'm done with this,
Peralta.
Go home and get better.
Now!
All right, fine.
But I'm taking this box
of evidence with me.
If you can pick it up,
you can take it.
Deal.
See? I'm fine.
Yo, yo, yo!
Miss me, miss me,
now you got to kiss me!
I'm talking to you.
Jake, what are you doing here?
It's only been four days.
You're supposed to take
a full week off of work.
Come on, Sarge.
Does it look like
I'm on the job?
Okay then.
What are you doing here?
Taking your advice
to rest and relax
to the next level.
Swinging by
to pick up Charles,
and then we're headed
to sunny, beachy,
only recently devastated
by a financial crisis
Atlantic cit-ay!
That's right,
suckers.
Jake and I are going on
the coolest vacation ever.
Official trip nickname:
AC/DC.
Atlantic City
Dudes Club.
Yeah.
That's gonna change.
But check it out, Sarge.
Boyle and I
are staying at...
Damn.
This place is luxe.
Yeah, I've been trying to get
Jake down there forever.
Had I known all it'd
take was a few broken bones,
I would've hit him with
a baseball bat years ago!
Mm-mm.
Sarge, it's a spa
and a casino.
A spasino!
One of the room service options
is a carving station.
And what's this?
I'm using a blanket
as a napkin.
That's fancy.
Real fancy.
All right.
Well, that sounds
good, Jake.
Sounds like you guys
are gonna have fun.
Oh... oh, we will
'cause we're staying at...
Jake, this is not
the Ravenna.
No, it is not, but it
is the world-famous
Seafam Motel!
I think the "O"
fell off.
Pretty cool, right?
The Ravenna had
a four-star restaurant.
This place has a weird
amount of dead seagulls,
even for AC.
All right. Fine.
It's not a vacation.
It's a stakeout.
My perp has a brother
who lives in this dump,
and I think he's hiding out
with him here.
Seriously?
I was looking forward
to this trip.
I can't believe
you lied to me.
It wasn't a lie.
It was...
an illusion!
All right. It was a lie.
I'm sorry.
I had to make it
sound really cool
so you'd drop everything
and come with me.
I can't let Olson walk,
and I can't catch him alone.
Plus, this is gonna
be super fun!
New trip nickname:
AC/DC.
Atlantic City
Detectives Club.
Oh... Okay! Fine!
You know I can't say no
to a good trip nickname.
There he is.
Ugh! Arm! Rib!
Arm! Rib! Shoulder?
Ooh.
Marcus. Detective Diaz.
What a surprise.
I didn't expect you
for another 91/2 minutes.
See?
Told you it was rude
to be early.
Well, let's cancel the entire
evening and try again next year.
Hey.
She is hilarious.
I thought you might need
some help setting up.
Oh, I'll put these
in some water.
Thank you.
Marcus, you can help
with the boeuf bourguignon.
I subbed shallots
for onions in the mirepoix.
No!
Are you kidding?
I have no idea
what he's talking about.
I'm sorry.
We're screwed.
I should just
break up with him.
No, no, no, no.
Santiago is always on time.
We only have to make
small talk for...
8 minutes
and 45 seconds.
We better keep it impersonal.
Acceptable topics include
what constitutes a grain,
the Hubble
Space Telescope,
orchid varietals,
the birth
of the transistor...
We only have to fill
8 minutes.
Sure, but think
about it as 480 seconds,
and you'll see
why I'm concerned.
Oh, my God.
Uh-oh, Amy.
Train's moving
real slow.
We're gonna
be epically late.
Keep your reaction
short and to the point.
I'm running out of mem.
Sorry, Gina.
I hope we're late.
That's how the
fashionable crowd lives.
I told you... tonight,
I'm gonna have fun.
What?
I'm being chill.
Why are you looking
at me like that?
Because
something stinks,
and it's definitely
the food you brought.
I think it smells great.
It's my mom's famous
nicoise salad.
Amy, all your
cooking stinks.
Why would you
even get involved
with tuna and egg?
No one else seems
to mind it.
We mind!
We really,
really mind.
Just throw it out.
I will not
throw it out,
but I will
open a window
because I'm a nice person.
And I'm an even
nicer person!
Bye-bye, salad!
No!
Yo!
Still no movement.
How was the
snack machine?
Ah. Snacks abound!
Told you this place
was awesome.
My theory is that
Olson and his brother
have been using it
as a home base
while they rob places
up and down the coast.
Fascinating.
Do you desire
a crispened potato?
Ah, don't mind
if I dooble.
Wait a minute.
"Crispened potato."
Why are you
fancy-talking?
How dare you, sir?
I speak the common tongue.
There it is again.
You only do that
when you're lying
or hiding something.
Hiding? Ha!
Pish-posh!
Housekeeping!
That's not housekeeping!
That's betrayal!
I can't believe
you called the sarge!
Hey, Sarge.
Don't "Hey, Sarge,"
me, Peralta!
I'm about to break the rest
of your damn body!
Okay. Fine.
I accept my fate.
Just take a picture
of my penis first,
for posterity, and then
do what you must.
Amy says that we should
start dinner without her.
Then she writes,
"Whatevs," colon,
hyphen, closed parenthesis.
Great.
It's much nicer
just the four of us.
I mean, we can
really get into it.
Yeah, let's do
just that.
So Marcus, what
orchids can you name?
Oh, that's easy.
None.
Uh, well, here are the
orchids that I can name.
Beclardia, Beloglottis,
Benthamia, Diphylax,
Dipodium, Evotella...
Raymond, you know
how much I love
hearing you talk
about orchids...
Great.
Then there's Eriaxis...
But I would love to hear
more about our guest.
Rosa, tell us
about your family.
I have one.
You got to give him
more deets than that.
Her father's a teacher.
They're from
Bensonhurst.
Speaking of which,
have they finished
repairing the Hubble
Space Telescope?
Yes.
Six years ago.
So do you have
siblings?
I have...
two sisters.
I have to leave this.
Phew! Great idea.
Take a breather.
That was way
too personal.
No one needs to know
you have sisters.
New topic:
the moons of Jupiter.
I think I might
be pregnant.
Oh.
Oh...
Oh, n...
No.
I came down here
to stop you
from doing
something stupid.
I called the ACPD
and told them
we had a possible perp
at this motel.
They're sending
a squad car.
Wow, Boyle.
The fact that you
would sell me out
after I brought you
to Atlantic City
on a half-expenses-paid,
best-friend trip.
I know. I'm sorry.
It's just... I was worried
about you getting hurt.
No, Charles!
Don't apologize!
We're mad at him!
I had to miss family dinner
to drive my ass out here.
Well, no one asked
you to do that.
Actually, I did.
Remember?
I betrayed you.
Charles, what are you
doing, bud?
I just dug you out of this.
Peralta, we're going home
as soon as that squad car
gets here.
Until then, you sit tight.
You're on time out.
That's your time-out chair.
Fine, but first,
I have to go to the bathroom.
And it will be work,
due to my injured tailbone
and bruised bladder.
What the hell?
Oh.
Please be Olson.
You're not Olson.
Oh, no.
Uh-oh.
This stinks.
I should be at home,
taking care of my real babies.
Not some big, dumb work baby.
I know you're upset, Sarge,
but I think the fact
that you came
all the way down here
has really taught Jake
a lesson.
Help!
And I'm wrong.
He's done something dumb.
- Help! Help!
- Cover yourself, Jake.
It's your friend
Charles Boyle from work!
Hey, guys.
What the hell
are you doing
out there, Peralta?
Would you believe
that my urine stream
was so powerful that it...
- No!
- Okay.
I thought I saw
our perp,
and I know I'm not
supposed to be working,
but technically,
I wasn't working
because it
wasn't our guy.
Get out of the bathroom!
Yeah.
We're gonna go sit
on those gross beds
and talk about the fact
that you have
a real problem!
Okay, I get
that you're mad,
and we are definitely
gonna talk,
but I still haven't,
technically,
gotten to go pee, so
if you wouldn't mind...
I don't care.
You have lost
the right to pee.
You can fidget,
little man.
Well, it's gonna be on you
when we're all covered
in my whiz.
Get your ass
out there.
Are your bosoms tender?
I'm gonna pretend that you
didn't just ask me that.
Are your senses
heightened?
I think I might
be pregnant,
not bitten by
a radioactive spider.
Kevin asked me
about my sister.
She just told me
she's pregnant,
and that made me think...
I've been feeling
run down lately,
my stomach's been weird,
and I just did
the math in my head
and I think I'm
a little bit late.
Late to...
Oh, right. Right.
Your...
What if I'm pregnant?
Do I tell Marcus?
What do I do with a baby?
How do you take care
of those things?
Why are their heads so soft?
Before you spiral
any more,
you should take
a pregnancy test.
Yes. Smart.
Immediately.
Oh.
Immediately
immediately.
Very well.
I'll figure out a way
to get you out of here
without arousing
suspicion.
Now I'm regretting
blowing through my orchid
material so quickly.
Jake, you put work ahead
of everything else,
and it's not healthy.
Remember Cagney and Lacey's
third birthday party?
I hired you
as Jakels the Clown.
How'd that go?
And Jeremy the giraffe
has a very long neck!
That's it.
That little girl
was strangled!
You were thinking that
at a kid's party.
Life is more
than just
whatever case
you're working on.
If you don't figure out
how to balance things,
you're gonna burn out
or get hurt.
Oh, look.
You did get hurt.
Okay! Fine.
You guys make
some great points,
but counterpoint:
I am right all the time.
There's our perp.
All right. Let's go!
Jake!
Observe him
from a safe distance
while we wait for the
Atlantic City PD to show up.
My exact instinct
as well, Sarge.
Good thinking.
Oh, no.
Are you certain we have
to cut the party short?
Yes; unfortunately,
Detective Diaz
has an unexpected emergency
to take care of.
All right.
Do you need
to go as well?
No; it's not quite
captain-worthy.
But still advanced enough
that Detective Diaz's talents
are best qualified
to handle the...
Non-emergency
emergency.
Yes. Precisely.
See? She's great.
I should go do that.
Now.
Yes.
- Hey. What's up?
- Hi.
Sorry we're so late.
Actually,
the party is over.
What?
The party is over!
Oh, I see.
You heard me.
You were just
taken by surprise.
Very well.
Good night.
But... oh!
All I wanted to do
was impress Captain Holt,
and you know what?
It didn't matter.
It didn't matter
that we were late,
it didn't matter
that I was chill,
and it didn't matter
that the rats ate my salad.
Oh, no.
I definitely saw them
running away from it.
You know what,
my friend?
It's time to be chill
for real.
Mmm.
Yes, Gaga! Yes!
That's the spirit!
We should go.
Yep.
Damn ACPD:
They should
be here by now.
He's looking at us.
Pretend to use
the ice machine, Boyle.
Gladly!
Why is it so fun
to get hotel ice?
It feels wasteful,
but also, like,
"I bought this room.
I deserve this ice."
Shh!
He's on the move.
Okay.
I'll follow him
till the ACPD get here.
Damn it!
Stay put, Peralta!
I will!
Don't worry!
I'm just gonna let
Sarge follow him.
I'm gonna stay right here.
I can't do it.
I'm gonna cut him off
in the alley!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ha! Shortcut!
You just got Jaked!
Oh!
Oh, Jake!
Oh! Ooh!
Jake! You okay?
No, Sarge.
I got hit by a car!
You happy now?
Broken ribs
and a million
broken toes weren't
enough for you?
In retrospect,
they were plenty.
Yes.
The worst part is,
Olson got away.
That's the worst part?
You could've died, man.
I wasn't hurt
that badly.
The doctor said all
my bleeding was internal.
That's where the blood's
supposed to be.
Look,
I know you're angry
because I disrespected you
as a boss.
No!
I'm upset my friend
doesn't want my help
because he insists
on being an idiot!
You know what?
You're a lost cause.
I'm done trying
to help you.
Terry's leaving.
Wait.
My second year on the force,
I was working a drug case,
tracking this
drug dealer for months.
Then, suddenly,
he disappeared
right before Memorial Day,
which I was supposed
to take off
for a guys' weekend
with some friends.
But how?
We didn't know each other yet.
Oh.
Other friends.
While I was gone,
the dude resurfaced
and got into a shootout
with another drug dealer.
Two civilians got shot.
Meanwhile I was sipping
pina coladas in Philly.
From that day on, I vowed
to never take time off
during a case.
Also, I don't love Philly.
Jake, I get it.
- Philly sucks.
- Yeah.
But why didn't you
ever tell us?
I was embarrassed
about the choice I made.
People got hurt
because of me.
Perps get away.
People get hurt.
That's part of the job.
But if you don't give
yourself a break,
you'll be no use to anyone.
Because you'll be dead.
Real talk alert!
Okay.
I get it.
I'd give you a hug,
but right now,
my body has
the structural integrity
of a chocolate soufflÃ©.
Ooh!
I am so hungover.
Did we steal these
sunglasses last night?
No.
You paid the bodega guy
$200 for them.
And his shirt.
Ooh.
That explains why
I have a triple XL
Scarface hoodie
on my couch.
Eh, worth it.
It was a pretty
fun night.
Hey, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry
for cancelling
the party so abruptly.
There was a non-emergency
emergency.
Your loss.
Amy made a salad
and a cake,
and they were...
Amazing.
Well, let's put
a make-up dinner
in the calendar.
Or we could just
go with the flow.
See what happens.
I don't give a... what?
Too much.
I mean, that
would be great.
Thank you, sir.
Captain.
Detective Diaz.
I'm not pregnant.
I see.
I just wanted
to say thank you.
Talking to you
was really helpful.
Maybe mixing our personal
and professional lives
isn't as disgusting
as it sounds.
Yes, I agree.
And...
I'm glad
I could help.
Now, let's never
talk about...
Stop pointing at it.
Yes. Of course.
Um...
Dismissed?
Yo!
Welcome back,
Peralta.
You look rested.
Thank you.
I am.
I caught up on a lot
of very important
daytime television.
I tried grapefruit juice
for the first time... terrible...
and one day,
I even bought
the newspaper.
It was raining, and I
needed a cheap umbrella.
Impressive.
And how's your
broken everything?
Doctor gave me
the all-clear
to come back to work,
and I'm allowed to have
light, non-strenuous sex,
provided I stretch
before and after.
Nice.
Well, it's great
to have you back.
Your perp got picked up
by some uniforms
in the Seven-Eight,
but I have a couple other
B&Es you could jump on.
Oh, actually, Sarge,
I'm not back-back
just yet.
I decided to take
two more vacation days.
A friend of mine said
I needed to experience
life outside of work.
Smart friend.
Anyways, I figured
I owed Boyle
a legit trip to AC, so.
That's right, y'all!
It's time for
AC/DC: Part Two.
Atlantic City
Destruction Crew.
Actually, not bad.
Because we are going
to destroy
eight different
taffy crawls and one
"Ghosts of the Boardwalk"
bus tour!
Not where
I saw that going,
but I'm still excited!
Ha ho!
This is gonna be epic, bro!
Quick, Sarge!
Punch me in the ribs
as hard as you can!
Not a doctor.
Shh!