No! No, no, no!
You can't take her from me,
you bastard!
Don't do this, Scully.
You have to be strong
for her right now.
What's going on?
Unit's being replaced.
Come on! No!
That machine's been
here forever.
It's basically part
of the force.
Take Scully instead.
Yes, please, take me
to the land of vending machines.
Can we at least have
five minutes
to say a proper good-bye?
Whatever.
Let me just start by saying
that this machine is
the best restaurant in Brooklyn,
and it always had a table
for me.
I knew just where to punch it
to get free food.
Now I have to go back
to punching Hitchcock.
Look, she still has the bags
of baby carrots
I requested they put in.
They're black now,
but they're there.
Good-bye, beautiful machine.
Thank you for your service.
Okay, squad salute.
bagpipes playing Amazing Grace]
You can take her away now.
Well, I think we handled that
with dignity.
Free candy!
Okay, Nine-Nine,
say hello to Michael Augustine,
Brooklyn's most prolific
identity thief.
Last week, he walked
into a government building
and stole a computer
containing
over 100,000
social security numbers.
My C.I. says
that tonight Augustine
will be handing off the laptop
to a buyer from China,
AKA the Land of Dragons.
(Ray)
Make sure that phrase
is not in your official report.
Okay, sorry,
The Country of Dragons.
I want you and Santiago
to tail Augustine
until he makes the drop,
and then arrest him
and the buyer.
Sounds good, although I could
probably just take Boyle.
I know Amy has a ton of work,
so...
- No, I don't.
- Really?
I could have sworn
I overheard you telling Rosa,
"Girlfriend, please.
I got hella open cases."
That's something
you think I said?
Word for word.
No diggity, no doubt.
(Ray)
That's enough.
Peralta and Santiago
will tail Augustine.
Boyle and Diaz will join them
in a surveillance van
unless you have a problem
with that.
Sounds great.
In the immortal words
of Amy Santiago,
"Girlfriend, please."
(Amy)
Hey, did I do something to you?
Are you mad?
Is this because I brushed
all the crumbs off your desk?
What?
No, I don't care about that.
- Do you know where they are?
- In the trash.
All right,
if it's not that,
then why are you trying
to keep me off this case?
Oh, that.
All right, look, the reason
that I didn't want
to work with you is...
should I do this in an accent
so that I can undercut some of
the awkwardness I'm feeling?
- No.
- Good call.
Remember when you told me that
you didn't want to date cops?
That really bummed me out, man.
- Jamaican?
- Yeah, it was a bad choice.
I'm much better at German.
All right, fine.
I was kind of thinking
about asking you out.
Oh, okay.
But I know that
that's not what you want,
and I totally get it.
I think it just took me a while
to totally-totally get it,
and now I totally get it.
Jake, this is weird.
The whole point of me
not dating cops
is so it wouldn't be weird
at work.
Okay, so let's just
make it not weird, right?
This is a case; we work cases
together all the time,
and we're really good at it, so,
you know, we're professionals.
That's all I want,
for us to be professional.
We're in agreement.
It will be good
and professional.
Come in and shut the door.
I have some news, which you
must promise to keep secret.
Madeline Wuntch is making me
head of public relations
for the NYPD:
I'm being forced
out of the Nine-Nine.
I don't wish to make
a big deal of it,
so please limit your reactions
to one second; go.
- What in the world?
- Are you kidding?
That's plenty.
You can't leave us.
I'm not going anywhere.
Madeline's not some
invincible succubus.
She's a regular succubus,
and she can be defeated.
We just need to find the letter.
What letter?
Before our current
police commissioner was hired,
a mutual friend told me Madeline
wrote a letter to the mayor
telling him it was a mistake.
She apparently called her
now-boss a "simpering buffoon".
Amateur; always say
your insults to someone's face.
No paper trail.
A copy of that letter exists
in the mayor's archives.
I can't go snooping around
without alerting Madeline,
so it won't be easy,
and we don't have much time,
but I need you
to find that letter.
Are you with me?
Oh, hell yeah.
I'm turning my phone
into airplane mode.
Oh, my God, she doesn't even
do that on airplanes.
Rosa,
I know you don't like anyone
wishing you a happy birthday,
so crappy day to you.
Still too much.
I assume you're not doing
anything to celebrate tonight.
Anyone over the age
of six celebrating
a birthday should go to hell.
So since you're free,
I need your help moving
this old Ms. Pac-Man machine
I just bought.
Why are you so obsessed
with that game?
Because it's the sexiest
video game ever.
She's insatiable, Rosa.
Insatiable.
Insatiab...
Stop saying "insatiable."
Anyway, I bought
this old machine from a bar,
and I was hoping
you'd help me move it.
- You want me to go to a bar?
- Mm-hmm.
You are obviously trying
to get me
to go to a surprise party.
Did Marcus put you up to this?
What?
No, that's crazy talking.
We just need to be there
at exactly 9:45 p.m.
and not a minute earlier.
Also, there's a particular door
I want us to enter through.
(Amy)
Why is he getting out here?
I thought your C.I. said the
drop was happening in a park.
Maybe he's having dinner
with his sidepiece first.
(Amy)
Augustine has the laptop
with him.
We should just arrest him
right here.
No, the buyer's
the bigger collar.
We've got to follow him in
and wait for the handoff.
Okay, if you're going in,
I've heard this place has
an amazing bone marrow custard.
Not that I've ever
had a bad one.
No.
All right, let's go.
No, wait, we look like cops.
We're never gonna blend in
dressed like this.
Okay, there, how's that?
Uh, I don't know.
All I see is clothes hanging off
of a genderless blob.
You look fine.
Here, wear this.
Jake, you need a jacket
or something.
Well, Scully left
his sports coat back there.
Oh, but it will never fit
Jake's athletic body.
- Unless...
- No, I don't want to do that.
- You have to.
- I'm not gonna do it.
You're doing it.
What?
What do you have to do?
Don Johnson it.
Don Johnson it!
I look like an idiot.
I didn't even have time
to lotion my forearms.
It's so weird
wearing Rosa's jacket.
There's a piece of barbed wire
in the pocket.
Cool.
All right,
do you have a visual on...
the hostess stand?
Hi.
Table for two, please.
I'm so sorry.
There's nothing available.
We're totally booked up.
Oh, no, that's horrible.
Tonight's a really important
night for us.
Johnny and I just got engaged,
and this is where
our first date was.
Oh, yeah,
it would mean so much
to Dora and me.
I would have made a reservation,
but I didn't know
if she was gonna say yes, so...
Oh, I love how nervous you were,
you little goose.
You are just so sweet
together.
You know, I'm sure I can
find room for two young lovers.
Yeah, we are lovers...
together... in beds.
Okay.
Thank you so much for waiting.
- Your table is almost ready.
- Great.
Sorry about springing
the engagement
and romantic stuff on you.
No, no, no.
That was great.
I mean,
it's what got us in here.
Cheek kiss was a bit much.
Very wet.
Well, I don't know
what to tell you.
Dora's sloppy.
Okay,
and if you'll just follow me.
Well, the honeymoon's over,
Dora.
We're back
to being Jake and Amy,
two normal cops working a job.
All right,
there you go.
Thanks.
You're the couple
that just got engaged.
That's us, Johnny and Dora,
a couple for sure.
Okay, according to my sources
in the assistant community,
the letter is right here
in the fourth-floor archives,
cabinet J-13.
Nice job.
What's the plan?
You sneak in
and get the letter.
I'll distract the file clerk.
Apparently, he's very
into bird watching,
so talking to a woman
should blow his mind.
And talking to this woman,
it could kill him.
Here, can you look at this map
of a park
and tell me
where them hot birds hang out?
Well, you're gonna want to,
uh, avoid the, uh,
great lawn, because
it's basically just grackles.
- Ugh, grackles?
- Yeah.
I hate grackles.
They're the worst.
Well, a lot of people think
grackles are just a common bird
up here,
but you know what?
On the West Coast
they don't get grackles.
Can you give some more info
for a novice bird watcher
such as myself?
You have got to know
the difference
between your water birds.
I mean, so many people
don't know the difference
between an anhinga
and a snake bird
and a swamp hawk.
A lot of people don't know
they're all the same bird.
Are those the ones
that sound like Rihanna
kind of when they sing?
I'm not familiar
with who that is.
They're like, "Eh, eh."
That sounds like that might be
a crested woodpecker.
Or is it more like...
Well,
that's a crested titmouse maybe?
Oh, my God, that's it.
Wayne, you are
a damn treasure trove.
We got the letter.
Well done.
Now get me Madeline
and a bucket of water.
It's time to melt a witch.
Who else is going?
Rosa, listen to me,
there is no party.
Just get off my doughnut
already.
Don't lie to me, Boyle,
or you will be eating your bone
marrow custard through a straw.
That's exactly how you're
supposed to eat bone marrow...
- Charles!
- Ah!
All right, there's a party.
I can't give you details.
All I can say is I know you,
and I know you'll have
a good time.
If you knew me, you'd know
I hate surprise parties,
so clearly
you don't know me at all.
What?
We're friends.
I was building up to calling you
"Ro-ro" one of these days.
That will never happen.
In fact, you just lost "Rosa"
privileges.
From now on, you can
call me "Diaz" or "Hey, you."
Come on, Rosa.
Come on, hey, you.
Wow,
champagne and oysters.
You really shouldn't have,
guys.
Well, it's a special night.
So when did you guys meet?
- Last year.
- Five years ago.
We first met five years ago,
but we don't count it,
because...
I was dating a speedboat model
at the time.
And I was dating
a super handsome comptroller
of a major U.S. city.
Anyways, about a year ago, we
bumped into each other at a bar,
and we haven't been able to keep
our hands off each other since.
Mm.
So how did you know
she was the one?
I'd love to answer that.
Um, you know,
just whenever
I look at her face
and the attached physique.
And you?
Uh...
He makes me laugh.
And, you know, there's really
no one else's opinion
who I care about
more than hers, so...
Okay, so enough chitchat.
Let's see the ring.
I don't have it on me.
She has gigantic fingers.
What I mean to say
is that the ring I got
would never have fit
on her fingers,
because they are that
of a giant, behemoth person.
Madeline,
thank you for coming.
Raymond, always a pleasure
to call on a vanquished foe.
I feel like
Jackie Joyner-Kersee
congratulating one
of the other slower runners.
Buckle up.
It's gonna be
a hell of a ride.
(Ray)
Care to sit?
I'm sure
you'd like to take some weight
off your cloven hooves.
Calling me the devil?
How original, Raymond.
Actually I was calling
you a goat, you goat.
Oh.
I'd like to talk
about my promotion.
Very well, but first,
how do I know
you're not wearing a wire?
I need to pat you down.
If you must.
What is going on?
Shh.
I'm watching something.
(man)
Can you get the car
from the valet, babe?
I'm gonna in the back
and say hi to the chef.
Good luck
on your wedding, guys.
Oh, have fun
on your honeymoon.
We will.
We're going to Waco, Texas.
Huh.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
- Waco, Texas?
- I don't know.
It was just on Dateline.
All right, well, Augustine took
the laptop case with him.
He's gonna make the drop.
Let's go.
Look, there's the buyer.
Or maybe he's just actually
saying hi to the chef?
Why isn't he making
the handoff?
Oh, crap, he saw us.
Uh,
Excuse me.
Oh, hey.
We were just looking
for a place to, uh...
Boink.
Yep. Boink.
That's my preferred term
for it as well.
I get it.
Newly engaged kids.
Enjoy.
Thanks.
Good. Good, good, good, good.
We kept our cover intact.
Nice work.
Quick, professional thinking
out there.
Very quick.
Very professional.
- Detective.
- Let's get back on the case.
- Yes.
So how was the restaurant?
Such a normal time!
Why are you being weird?
Amy and I kissed.
What?
To keep our cover from being
blown; we didn't have a choice.
Tell me everything!
Charles, it was just a kiss,
okay?
It was for work.
It was nothing.
Yeah, who cares about a kiss?
Call me if you grab
each other's asses.
He's pulling over.
It's going down.
You guys are so naive.
It's never nothing.
In high school, I played
Daddy Warbucks in Annie,
Becca Murse played Annie,
and we were supposed
to hug onstage.
And at first,
that seemed like nothing too,
but by opening night,
we were full-on making out.
As Daddy Warbucks and Annie?
Mm-hmm.
The audience was not on board.
Playwright sued the school.
Guys, guys,
it's not a handoff.
He's leaving the package.
Okay, you and Rosa
follow Augustine.
Right, and you and Amy
follow your hearts.
No, we're gonna stay
with the package.
And each other forever.
Come on, man!
So here's how I see this
going down.
You plead for your job back.
I refuse.
You start weeping
like a war widow.
Does that sound about right?
Don't count
your gross fish babies
before they've hatched,
Madeline.
How did you get this?
Gina and Terry got it,
you grackle.
(Ray)
It doesn't matter
how I got it.
Sorry, sir, didn't realize that
was how you wanted to play it.
I see you've got an audience
for this little stunt?
Yes, well, who wouldn't want
to see a man fight a crocodile?
Now, Madeline, before one of us
starts weeping like a war widow,
would you like to give me
my precinct back?
It's not that simple; I can't
just reverse your promotion.
You have until tomorrow,
you grackle.
We can't pull him over
this close to the drop site.
It'll alert the buyer.
I say we follow him for a mile.
Copy that.
How's your mom enjoying
the new phone you got her
for her birthday
on March 16th?
Dude, stop saying random facts
to try to prove you know me.
That's not what I'm doing.
I'm simply making small talk
with my friend Rosa,
who went skydiving once.
Enough!
I'm going to the dumb party
but only because
I don't want to hurt Marcus.
I'm still super mad at you.
Mm, like how you're still
super mad at Gilmore Girls
for how the finale went down?
Oh, I just want to see
Lorelai happy, and shut up!
Ah, see? I knew you so well,
I knew it was co... ah!
Hey, seriously,
we're cool, right?
Yeah, totally.
- We're fine.
- Good.
Gosh, you know, I'm actually
a little bit hungry.
I never ended up eating
at that dumb fancy restaurant.
You know what I'm getting
on my way home?
Yeah, you're gonna
go to the Polish place
and get perogies,
potato pancakes,
and a cup of hot chocolate.
That's exactly
what I'm gonna get.
Yeah.
I will be having pizza,
two slices
of meat supreme from Tony's,
served display temperature.
Meat supreme
is a million red flags,
and eating it cold
is just insane.
No, no, no.
It's not cold.
- It's display temperature.
- Jake.
There's a difference, Amy.
No, Jake, he's looking at us.
- Well, this is happening.
- Huh?
NYPD! Freeze!
We are police colleagues!
You're under arrest.
This is a work event.
Hey, can you sign
this arrest report
for Augustine
and the buyer?
Sure.
Great.
Man, I forgot how long
your signature takes.
'm just gonna watch Braveheart
on my phone real quick.
Given the circumstances,
I could see how
that might have seemed like
flirty teasing
or something,
but I was legit
being critical.
You have a problem.
No, even that sounded
like banter now.
All right, there's only one way
out of this for me.
I just got to get super cruel.
Prepare to have your physical
flaws pointed out, Amy.
I'm talking about your tall butt
and your weird elbows.
Jake, it's okay.
Thank you.
This whole night
was really weird.
I know.
I just... ugh.
I want everything
to go back how it was, you know?
It's so awkward.
- Yeah.
- And you're right.
We shouldn't date cops,
'cause we're a great team.
We work great together.
I don't want to mess that up.
Yeah, I don't want
everything to change.
Yeah, me neither.
Okay, then that's that,
Detective Peralta.
Detective Santiago.
See you around the precinct.
Yep.
Tall butt.
Okay, before we go in,
remember you have to pretend
to be surprised.
How's this?
Oh, my God.
It's so much worse
than I imagined.
The energy was great,
but the message was flawed.
All right,
let's get this over with.
Surprise.
What's going on?
I rented this entire bar
so you and I could celebrate
with no people anywhere near us.
I probably should have
hired a bartender, though.
I have no idea
how to make drinks.
This is incredible.
It was all Charles' idea.
I told you I knew you,
Ro-ro.
Thank you.
But never call me "Ro-ro" again.
Oh, but I will.
I've earned this.
Happy b-day,
Ro-ro.
Whoo!
Welcome, Madeline.
Have you thought things over?
I have, but first, how do I
know you're not wearing a wire?
So I've thought it over,
and perhaps you should go ahead
and show that letter
to the commissioner.
And let him fire you?
I'll deny I wrote it.
It will take months
to authenticate,
which will give me
plenty of time
to make some personnel changes
around here.
There's an opening
for a detective
down in Brighton Beach.
I think I'll transfer Diaz
there.
Detective Boyle I'll send
to Long Island City.
Santiago will be a great fit
for Pelham Bay.
And Peralta,
your little pet project,
I'm gonna ship him off
to Staten Island.
Hope he likes breaking up
tanning salon fistfights.
Looks like you've got a decision
to make, Raymond.
What are you gonna do?
(Ray)
Squad, if I could have
your attention please?
I am being transferred
to the public relations office.
I'm leaving the Nine-Nine
effective immediately.
- What the hell?
- I don't understand.
- What the hell?
- Why are you doing this?
What the hell?
I want to say
it has been a pleasure
to have worked alongside all of
you for the past 211/2 months.
I'm sorry
for getting so emotional.
A pretty consistent tone,
actually.
These have been the...
these have been the best years
of my career.
Oh, no.
This is new.
And I know that everyone of you
gave me everything you had,
and I will never forget it.
Go back to being robot captain.
Meep-morp.
Zeet.
Dismissed.
Sir!
I'm coming with you.
- Thank you, Gina.
- I'm also coming.
Not necessary.
- Hey.
Thought I might find you
in here.
I just needed to process
the captain's news.
I feel so bad for him.
So how are you holding up?
I don't know.
I'm still in shock.
You?
Um, basically handling it the
way I dealt with my dad leaving,
just repressing the hell
out of it.
So a lot of change
around here, huh?
(man)
Hey, Jake,
the new captain's here.
Who do you think
it's gonna be?
I have no idea.
I bet it's me.
I just hope I'm ready.
Wow.
Come on, guys.
I know you're sad,
but let's do our best to make
a good first impression here.
Smart. Good call.
Jake, you be up front.
Okay, here we go.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.