Okay, squad,
the funeral's at 3:00,
followed by a reception
at Shaw's Bar.
I want you all
on your best behavior.
Yeah, and all eyes
are gonna be on us
because Frick and Frack here
killed Captain Dozerman.
Hey, we accidentally
startled a man
with a genetic heart condition.
If you really think about it,
his parents killed him.
All right, whatever.
Look, there's a horse race
going off in Dubai.
I got serious money on it.
Dismissed.
Oh, yeah, we should all
check out that race.
God.
He is the worst captain
we've ever had.
He drew boobies
on my bulletproof vest.
He stared at me for 90 seconds
while he ate an entire peach.
He heard that I speak Spanish,
and he made me fire
his housekeeper.
She was Polish.
At least he doesn't practice
his crane kicks with you.
I said not to move!
I didn't move.
Listen, guys.
Jake and I were talking
last night.
Pillow talk alert!
Set the scene.
Spooning or face-to-face?
Charles.
Spooning.
Anyway, we came up
with a plan.
Jake is going to befriend
the Vulture
so he lays off of us.
It's true.
I'm gonna bro down with him.
If everything goes
according to plan,
we should be beer pong
doubles partners
by the end of the week.
Now somebody get me
a puka shell necklace.
I'm going full douche.
Okay.
Hey, 'sup, bro?
'Sup, Jake?
Got a little update
for you
on that Deberg assault case.
Turns out the victim's wife
was super hot.
Yeah, I read the file.
She's a mom.
Not interested.
True that.
So listen, I've been thinking.
We got off
on the wrong foot here.
And I believe it's 'cause
we're just
too damn similar.
- You do?
- Absolutely.
We both love
premium tequila...
Yeah.
- Robin Thicke.
- Oh, yeah.
- Gots to have my puks.
- Gots to.
And of course,
most importantly: nip slips.
Let me ask
you a question, Jake.
You also like
Okinawan martial arts?
Because you left this
in my back.
Hmm?
What I'm saying, Einstein,
is that you stabbed me
in my back.
How so?
We came up with a plan.
Jake is going to befriend
the Vulture
so he lays off of us.
Busted.
I knew that you were faking it.
I'll bet you don't even
like nip slips!
So, what, you bugged
the briefing room?
No, Scully butt-dialed me
yesterday
and he still hasn't hung up.
Once again, Scully's butt
is the downfall
of this precinct.
Look, Jake, I know
that you and Santiago
are trying to take me down.
You guys go home.
You lay in bed together.
You plot against me.
Well, no longer.
I want you to dump Santiago,
and that's an order.
What?
You can't do that.
It's completely against
the rules.
Okay, Sonia Sotomayor.
I would never break
the rules.
But what I could do,
for totally
"unrelated reasons,"
is have you busted
back down to a beat cop.
No, don't do that,
all right?
I can learn to love
nip slips.
No, you either love them,
or you don't.
It's too late.
You dump Santiago,
or you kiss
that detective badge
good-bye.
Beat it.
First time back
in the Nine-Nine.
Mm.
I really miss these people,
the whole crew...
Jake, Terry, bleh.
I forget all their
other names.
Just remember, we're here
as PR representatives.
I don't want to be disruptive.
Too bad.
We're like rock stars
to these people.
They're gonna go nuts,
just like...
I would hate it
if these doors opened
and everyone stopped working
to applaud us.
Hmm, nothing.
You must be loving this.
Yes.
What?
He's ordering us
to break up?
Look, we can deal with this.
We just need a new plan.
I got it.
We lie, tell him we broke up,
and then date in secret.
Great! And you'd be okay
lying to your captain?
- Okay, new plan.
- Uh-huh.
Captain Holt
is here today.
Yes, genius!
He loves us,
and he's got tons of sway
in the department.
He'll tell the Vulture
to back down.
Yeah, he'll be all...
"Vulture, I must insist
that you desist."
I really think
this is gonna work.
Also, if you ever want
to bust out
that Holt impression at home,
I'd be okay with that.
Oh, okay.
Duly noted, super disturbing,
but I'm definitely gonna do it.
Hey, G-spot!
Rosa, Charles, oh,
I missed you guys so much.
Really, 'cause when you left,
you made a pretty big deal
of deleting us
from your phone.
Girl, that was just
the showman in me.
PR is so boring.
I need some Nine-Nine drama,
stat.
I don't think
we're that dramatic.
I've been gone one week.
Jake and Amy are dating,
and they've killed a person.
Come on, Charles.
You got to have something
weird and tragic going on.
Nope.
Not unless you call
hooking up with a girl
at a funeral "weird and tragic."
Home run!
Her name
is Lieutenant Singh.
She's super hot.
We were seated next
to each other two funerals ago.
And there was hard eye contact
all through "Danny Boy."
Last funeral, we made out
in the parking lot.
This time...
Something
naughty this way comes.
Ugh. What do you even know
about this person?
Oh, we don't know
anything about each other.
She says she likes that
about us.
It's just pure
animal attraction.
This is creepy
and unlike you.
You even know
her first name?
Oh, um, do animals
in the wild
know each other's names?
Look, all I know is,
Charles Boyle
is going to that funeral,
and he's going to put
the "bone"
back in boneyard.
Hmm, strange to be
on this side of the desk.
Why?
Oh, right,
you used to work here.
You know I made a lot
of improvements since you left?
I got a fridge
for my protein shakes.
I got a kettlebell station.
I got a wolf
that I killed in Utah.
I'm fairly certain
that's a dog.
Yeah, it was dark.
Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I need you
to sign these...
Captain Holt, I didn't
realize you were here.
Sergeant Jeffords, hello.
Welcome back.
Hey, you know, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
Hugs are a form of inappropriate
workplace touching.
Trust me,
I'm very familiar
with the sexual harassment
guidelines.
That'll be all.
Well, I won't take up
too much of your time.
Because the Nine-Nine
was Captain Dozerman's
last precinct,
you will be seated
at the front of the funeral.
I wanted to alert you
that there'll be press,
cameras...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, cameras?
Crap, nobody said anything
about cameras.
I got to rock the bells.
There we go.
Oh, I noticed in the bullpen
that you had changed
the case numbering system.
I found, when I was
commanding officer, that...
I'm gonna stop you
right there.
You're not commanding officer
anymore.
I was making a suggestion.
Yeah, look, you did a lot
of good for this place
while you were here,
which is great for me,
because I get
to take credit for it.
But you're not a real cop
anymore.
You're a desk jockey.
This is my precinct now.
And the sooner that you
accept that, the better.
Yes, well,
I know my way out.
'Cause you used to work here.
I keep forgetting.
Everybody does.
Well, well, if it isn't
Captain Raymond Jacob Holt.
It's great to see you
back at the Nine-Nine, sir.
Yes.
There it is,
that classic Jake Holt banter,
zingers just flying around.
It's like you never left.
No, I most definitely left.
Okay.
Well, I know how much
you love hot goss,
so you probably heard
Amy and I have been dating.
And we would love
your approval.
No.
But that's not
what this is about.
It sure is not.
Sir, the Vulture
is out of control.
All right, he told me
if I don't dump Amy,
he's gonna demote me.
You got to help us.
Let me stop you
right there, Peralta.
I'm not the Chief of Detectives.
I'm not the Vulture's boss.
I'm just some guy in PR.
- But we thought...
- I can't save your ass.
I don't work here anymore.
And the sooner you accept that,
the better.
Well, looks like somebody's
got a bad case
of the funeral crankies.
Okay, guys,
I know Captain Dozerman
was a nightmare
and that none of us
liked him.
But I'm gonna need all of you
to pretend like you're sad.
Everyone make a sad face.
Scully, you are nailing it!
My wife just texted.
She's leaving me.
Good, use it.
Now, anyone seen
Captain Holt?
He seemed a little down
when he came in.
Yeah, he let me
choose the music
on the way over here,
which leads me to believe
he's given up on life.
I got to go find him.
Now, be respectful
and grieve your asses off.
I don't know
why this is happening.
Scully, I love it!
Everyone follow his lead.
So what are we gonna do
about the Vulture?
I've got a new plan.
Pretend like we're talking.
- We are talking.
- Exactly.
It's working already.
Now I'm going to coolly
run my hands
through my hair.
Look where my elbow's
pointing.
It's Davis Garmin,
Chief of Detectives.
Holt said he could
overrule the Vulture.
Exactly.
The only question now is,
will he believe us?
Yes, 'cause we're gonna
take a page
from the Vulture's book.
- "The Big Book of Small Butts"?
- What?
It's the only thing
I've ever seen him read.
No, we're gonna secretly
record the Vulture
telling you to dump me.
Then we'll play it
for Chief Garmin.
Then...
We're gonna totally
have sex on top
of each other.
You get to keep your job.
Yes, that.
Ooh, Charles,
your jump-off is here.
Hello, Detective.
Hello, Lieutenant.
Real tragic
about the captain.
Yes, real tragic.
I like the way
your butt looks today.
I've been doing lunges
in the shower.
Well, this got upsetting
real quick.
I want to live
in this moment forever.
I got us a motel room
across the street.
Meet me there in 15 minutes.
I'll meet you, all right.
M-E-A-T.
Still think it's creepy?
Yes.
Charles, it is not like you
to have sex
with a total stranger.
Really, tell that to me
in an hour
when we've had sex 23 times.
There you are.
You okay, sir?
No.
Until this morning,
some small part of me
still believed I would be
captain of the Nine-Nine again.
What a fool I was.
I should never have returned.
It's like visiting
your childhood home
and seeing it's been replaced
by a denim pants store.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Slow down, sir.
You didn't even stop
and sniff the bouquet.
You always
sniff the bouquet.
Maybe the old Holt did.
But the new Holt
chugs Beaujolais
from a Burgundy glass
without a care.
Oh, it's a Sauternes glass.
Look, the alcohol has
rendered me a simpleton.
Maybe you should just
call it a day.
I can't.
I've been asked to deliver
a toast here after the funeral,
a message of hope.
This is what I have so far.
"Pain..."
That's it.
One tweak...
maybe you should lose
the word "pain"
and then get in a cab
and go home.
Maybe I will.
But first, you're gonna have
one drink with me, Sergeant.
For old times' sake?
- One drink, and then we go.
- One drink.
My tolerance has really
changed since I had kids!
Hey, Captain.
I was looking for you inside.
One thing I won't do
is fart in church.
This is God's house.
Oh.
Respectful.
So listen, remember
when you said to me
that I have
to dump Santiago
or else you're gonna bust me
down to beat cop?
What I remember, Jake,
is you pretending to be my bro
and me being like,
"I'm onto you, dillweed.
Oh, uh, sorry, could you
say that one more time?
I couldn't hear you
over the bagpipes.
Ugh, one second.
Excuse me, could you stop
playing that?
Just trying to have
a conversation.
I'm warming up, man.
Sorry.
Yeah, I know.
We just need two minutes.
No can do.
The funeral's about to start.
Everyone wants
to hear me honk, so...
Do you really need
to warm up, though?
I mean, you're just gonna make
a terrible wall of sound.
First of all, that's offensive
to me as half Scottish.
Second of all, you think
you could do better?
Blow my bag.
Look, we just need
a couple of minutes to chat.
That's it.
I'm not gonna stop playing
until you blow it.
All right, just give it to me.
All right?
Prepare to hear me play
the bagpipes perfectly.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Point proven.
Yeah, I think I've heard
just about enough
of this catfight.
I'm out.
Wait, Captain! Sir!
Your boyfriend... sorry,
your ex-boyfriend is pathetic.
You should be glad
that I ordered him to dump you.
Swish, Kobe.
Got it.
Yes! You're amazing!
That was "We Are the Champions."
Ugh, it's impossible
to find Garmin
with everybody mourning
all over the place.
It's like they have no respect
for our sneaky plans.
I know.
Oh, look, there he is.
Oh, great.
Hi there.
Sorry, this area
is reserved
for close personal friends
of the deceased.
Ah, well, that is us.
Dozerman and I were
pretty much besties.
Went on an annual
fishing trip together.
Cayuga Lake,
caught a lot of Coho salmon.
We are both so bummed
that he's dead.
Super bummed.
Oh, right on.
Come in.
Thanks.
Blessings to you.
- Blessings?
- I don't know.
It's my first time
in a church.
All right,
how did you do that?
Simple detective work.
There was a floral arrangement
up front with a picture
of Dozerman and 30 of his
friends holding a big fish.
Cayuga Lake, I pulled
straight from the guest book.
And Coho salmon?
Well, that's just something
I know about
from being a man of the world.
Our special today
is Coho salmon on a...
Sounds disgusting.
Do you have chicken fingers?
Impressed?
Mm-hmm.
And horrified
by your eating habits.
Well, if I'm so unhealthy,
how come I never
go to the bathroom?
Okay, let's get to Garmin.
Yeah.
Hi, I'm Margaret Dozerman.
How did you know my husband?
Oh, Mrs. Dozerman,
your husband was a great man.
Some of my fondest
memories of him
were on our fishing trips.
You went on those trips?
I did, indeed.
They called me "the Coho King."
Pretty much single-handedly
organized those things myself.
So you were the one who
brought all the prostitutes?
Uh...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Can we slow down?
Why?
Are you not into this?
No, no, no.
My friends are just
in my head.
They think it's weird
that we don't know anything
about each other.
I think it's hot.
Totally, I'm glad we're
not interested in each other
as human beings.
Oh, how about if you
tell me things about yourself
and then I tell you how little
I care about them?
Okay.
Okay, here goes.
I'm an only child.
- Not interested.
- I was born in Delaware.
Who even asked you?
I like this.
I don't care what you like.
But maybe you could tell me
one more thing.
She's a vegan!
What is going on?
You're right.
I couldn't help myself.
I wanted to know about her.
And I got what I deserved...
a vegan, a gluten-free vegan!
Charles, you need
to calm down.
No.
You called it, Rosa.
So go ahead.
Laugh at me!
Laugh!
Laugh it up!
Can I wait till
after the funeral?
Shh!
Of course you can.
Sir, my life stinks.
Sharon's on bed rest.
My favorite mango yogurt
got discontinued.
And my kids think
their preschool teacher's
a stupidface.
Everyone I work with
is a stupidface.
Especially Bryce.
- Sir?
- Hmm?
- Sir?
- Hmm?
- Sir?
- Hmm?
Can I be honest?
Precinct's not the same
without you.
The Vulture's the worst.
My mango yogurt...
Yes, you already mentioned
the yogurt.
'Cause it's important!
When I saw you
in the office this morning,
I wanted to give you
the biggest hug.
But the Vulture
told you not to,
and you had to listen.
He's your captain now, Terry.
I hate going to work
and you're not there.
Everything is garbage.
Hmm.
"Everything is garbage."
I should put that
in my message of hope.
That's a really good idea!
It took my husband and me
years of counseling
to get over those little
backwood orgies of yours.
He had sex with five prostitutes
in one weekend.
- Ugh!
- That's bananas!
I had no idea.
I was probably
too busy praying.
You said you planned
the trips.
- Yeah, I did say that.
- Called yourself the Coho King.
All right, look.
I'm not the Coho King.
My name is Jake.
And your husband
was only my captain
for, like, a day.
Wait a second.
Are you the Jake
that killed him?
No, I'm prostitute Jake.
I love prostitutes.
You need to go.
You should leave right now.
You need to leave
right now.
It's okay, Margaret.
Come on.
Oh, Chief Garmin,
wait, I just...
need to play you one
quick recording of my boss.
You recorded me?
That's not cool, Jake.
Well, we were just taking
a page out of your book.
Yeah? What are you
gonna do next, huh?
Are you gonna start wearing
leather bracelets, hmm?
Good luck pulling off
that chunky-B
with those skinny little
girl wrists of yours.
Congratulations.
You're no longer a detective.
You're a beat cop again.
I just crushed your dreams.
Okay, I know things
seem really bad right now,
but we just need a minute
to think.
[bagpipes playing
"Amazing Grace']
Come on, man!
Okay, so the Vulture
has your phone.
But new plan...
Jake, we've had lots
of plans,
and none of them
have worked.
Yeah, but this is a good one.
The new plan is: no plan.
We wing it!
Probably won't work,
but I said it
with a lot of confidence.
Jake, you got demoted.
We said this relationship
wasn't gonna get
in the way of our careers,
and it has.
So what?
We'll figure it out.
I'll make my way
back to detective.
Or maybe you won't.
I'm not gonna let you
throw away your dream job.
Amy, this is good.
This is a six-day
relationship.
We don't know what it is.
And now
for a message of hope.
Ah, a message of hope,
right on time.
Everything is garbage.
Oh, no.
You find something
you care about,
and it's taken from you...
your colleague,
your dream job,
your mango yogurt.
Whoo!
Never love anything.
That's the lesson.
To Captain Dozerman.
Captain Dozerman.
Thank you, sir.
I'll take it from here.
Very poetic.
If I might offer
a counter-toast of sorts.
Captain Dozerman and I,
we weren't together
for very long.
In fact, as coworkers,
our relationship
was only six days.
But that's not nothing.
It was long enough
for me to know
that we had something special.
And sure,
there may be obstacles.
Him having passed away,
for example.
But I'm not giving up on us.
And I don't care
if I get demoted.
I just care
about being with you...
Captain Dozerman,
an adult man
who has passed
into the nether world.
Move over, Peralta!
Move over!
Okay.
And if I may do a third toast.
It'll be focused primarily
on the mango yogurt.
Don't boo me!
I lost something important
too, shoot.
Thought I might
find you here.
So not a big fan
of my speech, huh?
No, I loved it.
I mean, I wish it hadn't
been at a wake.
And I wish you hadn't
kept referring to me
as your dead boss.
Yeah, it pretty much
sucked butt
but still was somehow
the best of the three toasts.
Hmm.
Look, I don't want
to break up.
But I don't want
to get demoted either.
I just don't know what to do.
I'm all out of plans.
I have one.
Holt saves your ass.
Captain.
I was moved
by your speech, Peralta.
Thank you, sir.
That's very nice of you to say.
- The syntax was problematic.
- Less nice.
And your vocabulary
is a true indictment
of the public school system.
Seems like you're just
slamming me now.
But the fact that you're
not willing to give up
in the face of adversity
is inspiring.
I love the Nine-Nine,
and I'm not gonna turn
my back on the squad.
So I fixed your problem
with the Vulture.
- Really?
- I may just be a guy in PR.
But what does the Vulture
love more than anything?
Garbage Pail Kids?
No. Publicity.
Captain Pembroke,
how would you like
your face
on the NYPD website?
Really?
Yes!
In exchange
for media attention,
the Vulture will not
bust you down
or stand in the way
of you two dating.
Sir, I don't know
how to thank you.
Anything for the Nine-Nine.
Thank you, sir.
He totally approves of us.
Whatcha doing there,
Boyle?
Trying to get drunk enough
to have sexual intercourse
with a vegan.
Why can't I just think
with my junk
like a modern man?
Why do you want
to do that?
I got divorced,
and I was crushed.
My fiancÃ©e left.
I cried for weeks.
My only relationship
that wasn't
totally devastating
when it ended
was my casual sex carnival
with Gina.
Yeah, okay,
but which
of those relationships
made you happiest
before it ended?
My marriage? Vivian?
Yeah, because you connect
with them emotionally,
something we did not do
because I'm a higher level
of being,
like Her from the movie "Her."
Dude, you can't go through
life trying not to get hurt.
You should try to be happy.
So you think I should
look for someone
I can have emotional
intercourse with.
I wish you hadn't said it
like that, but yeah.
And I should start
right here at this funeral.
I'd probably wait.
Nope, no time to lose.
Put on your sunglasses.
I need to see if there's
anything in my teeth.
Ugh.
Oh, yeah.
Charles Boyle
is ready for love.
Well, never wearing
these again.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh!