1 00:00:01,265 --> 00:00:03,765 Okay, squad, 2 00:00:01,265 --> 00:00:03,765 the funeral's at 3:00, 3 00:00:03,807 --> 00:00:05,974 followed by a reception 4 00:00:03,807 --> 00:00:05,974 at Shaw's Bar. 5 00:00:06,015 --> 00:00:07,974 I want you all 6 00:00:06,015 --> 00:00:07,974 on your best behavior. 7 00:00:08,015 --> 00:00:09,306 Yeah, and all eyes 8 00:00:08,015 --> 00:00:09,306 are gonna be on us 9 00:00:09,348 --> 00:00:10,974 because Frick and Frack here 10 00:00:09,348 --> 00:00:10,974 killed Captain Dozerman. 11 00:00:11,015 --> 00:00:13,015 Hey, we accidentally 12 00:00:11,015 --> 00:00:13,015 startled a man 13 00:00:13,057 --> 00:00:14,974 with a genetic heart condition. 14 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,849 If you really think about it, 15 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,849 his parents killed him. 16 00:00:16,890 --> 00:00:18,057 All right, whatever. 17 00:00:18,099 --> 00:00:19,682 Look, there's a horse race 18 00:00:18,099 --> 00:00:19,682 going off in Dubai. 19 00:00:19,723 --> 00:00:21,099 I got serious money on it. 20 00:00:21,181 --> 00:00:22,974 Dismissed. 21 00:00:23,015 --> 00:00:26,057 Oh, yeah, we should all 22 00:00:23,015 --> 00:00:26,057 check out that race. 23 00:00:26,099 --> 00:00:27,223 God. 24 00:00:27,265 --> 00:00:29,348 He is the worst captain 25 00:00:27,265 --> 00:00:29,348 we've ever had. 26 00:00:29,390 --> 00:00:31,348 He drew boobies 27 00:00:29,390 --> 00:00:31,348 on my bulletproof vest. 28 00:00:31,390 --> 00:00:34,057 He stared at me for 90 seconds 29 00:00:31,390 --> 00:00:34,057 while he ate an entire peach. 30 00:00:34,099 --> 00:00:35,057 He heard that I speak Spanish, 31 00:00:35,099 --> 00:00:36,765 and he made me fire 32 00:00:35,099 --> 00:00:36,765 his housekeeper. 33 00:00:36,807 --> 00:00:37,765 She was Polish. 34 00:00:37,807 --> 00:00:38,974 At least he doesn't practice 35 00:00:39,015 --> 00:00:40,015 his crane kicks with you. 36 00:00:43,974 --> 00:00:45,140 I said not to move! 37 00:00:45,181 --> 00:00:46,140 I didn't move. 38 00:00:46,181 --> 00:00:47,181 Listen, guys. 39 00:00:47,223 --> 00:00:48,390 Jake and I were talking 40 00:00:47,223 --> 00:00:48,390 last night. 41 00:00:48,431 --> 00:00:50,015 Pillow talk alert! 42 00:00:48,431 --> 00:00:50,015 Set the scene. 43 00:00:50,057 --> 00:00:51,515 Spooning or face-to-face? 44 00:00:50,057 --> 00:00:51,515 Charles. 45 00:00:51,557 --> 00:00:52,807 Spooning. 46 00:00:52,849 --> 00:00:54,348 Anyway, we came up 47 00:00:52,849 --> 00:00:54,348 with a plan. 48 00:00:54,390 --> 00:00:57,390 Jake is going to befriend 49 00:00:54,390 --> 00:00:57,390 the Vulture 50 00:00:57,431 --> 00:00:58,932 so he lays off of us. 51 00:00:58,974 --> 00:00:59,932 It's true. 52 00:00:59,974 --> 00:01:01,099 I'm gonna bro down with him. 53 00:01:01,223 --> 00:01:02,223 If everything goes 54 00:01:01,223 --> 00:01:02,223 according to plan, 55 00:01:02,223 --> 00:01:03,265 we should be beer pong 56 00:01:02,223 --> 00:01:03,265 doubles partners 57 00:01:03,306 --> 00:01:04,682 by the end of the week. 58 00:01:04,723 --> 00:01:07,099 Now somebody get me 59 00:01:04,723 --> 00:01:07,099 a puka shell necklace. 60 00:01:07,223 --> 00:01:09,015 I'm going full douche. 61 00:01:30,431 --> 00:01:31,431 Okay. 62 00:01:32,932 --> 00:01:34,390 Hey, 'sup, bro? 63 00:01:34,431 --> 00:01:35,890 'Sup, Jake? 64 00:01:35,932 --> 00:01:37,015 Got a little update 65 00:01:35,932 --> 00:01:37,015 for you 66 00:01:37,057 --> 00:01:38,932 on that Deberg assault case. 67 00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:42,223 Turns out the victim's wife 68 00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:42,223 was super hot. 69 00:01:42,223 --> 00:01:44,515 Yeah, I read the file. 70 00:01:42,223 --> 00:01:44,515 She's a mom. 71 00:01:44,557 --> 00:01:45,473 Not interested. 72 00:01:45,515 --> 00:01:47,306 True that. 73 00:01:47,348 --> 00:01:50,057 So listen, I've been thinking. 74 00:01:50,099 --> 00:01:52,099 We got off 75 00:01:50,099 --> 00:01:52,099 on the wrong foot here. 76 00:01:52,223 --> 00:01:54,057 And I believe it's 'cause 77 00:01:52,223 --> 00:01:54,057 we're just 78 00:01:54,099 --> 00:01:55,431 too damn similar. 79 00:01:55,473 --> 00:01:56,557 - You do? 80 00:01:55,473 --> 00:01:56,557 - Absolutely. 81 00:01:56,598 --> 00:01:58,473 We both love 82 00:01:56,598 --> 00:01:58,473 premium tequila... 83 00:01:58,515 --> 00:01:59,473 Yeah. 84 00:01:59,515 --> 00:02:00,849 - Robin Thicke. 85 00:01:59,515 --> 00:02:00,849 - Oh, yeah. 86 00:02:00,890 --> 00:02:02,557 - Gots to have my puks. 87 00:02:00,890 --> 00:02:02,557 - Gots to. 88 00:02:02,598 --> 00:02:05,057 And of course, 89 00:02:02,598 --> 00:02:05,057 most importantly: nip slips. 90 00:02:05,099 --> 00:02:06,849 Let me ask 91 00:02:05,099 --> 00:02:06,849 you a question, Jake. 92 00:02:06,890 --> 00:02:08,598 You also like 93 00:02:06,890 --> 00:02:08,598 Okinawan martial arts? 94 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:11,015 Because you left this 95 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:11,015 in my back. 96 00:02:11,057 --> 00:02:12,015 Hmm? 97 00:02:12,057 --> 00:02:13,348 What I'm saying, Einstein, 98 00:02:13,390 --> 00:02:14,765 is that you stabbed me 99 00:02:13,390 --> 00:02:14,765 in my back. 100 00:02:14,807 --> 00:02:16,223 How so? 101 00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:17,515 We came up with a plan. 102 00:02:17,557 --> 00:02:18,640 Jake is going to befriend 103 00:02:17,557 --> 00:02:18,640 the Vulture 104 00:02:18,682 --> 00:02:20,099 so he lays off of us. 105 00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,974 Busted. 106 00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,974 I knew that you were faking it. 107 00:02:22,015 --> 00:02:23,974 I'll bet you don't even 108 00:02:22,015 --> 00:02:23,974 like nip slips! 109 00:02:24,015 --> 00:02:25,431 So, what, you bugged 110 00:02:24,015 --> 00:02:25,431 the briefing room? 111 00:02:25,473 --> 00:02:27,306 No, Scully butt-dialed me 112 00:02:25,473 --> 00:02:27,306 yesterday 113 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,640 and he still hasn't hung up. 114 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,265 Once again, Scully's butt 115 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,265 is the downfall 116 00:02:30,306 --> 00:02:31,390 of this precinct. 117 00:02:31,431 --> 00:02:32,974 Look, Jake, I know 118 00:02:31,431 --> 00:02:32,974 that you and Santiago 119 00:02:33,015 --> 00:02:34,223 are trying to take me down. 120 00:02:34,265 --> 00:02:36,807 You guys go home. 121 00:02:34,265 --> 00:02:36,807 You lay in bed together. 122 00:02:36,849 --> 00:02:38,223 You plot against me. 123 00:02:38,223 --> 00:02:39,598 Well, no longer. 124 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,974 I want you to dump Santiago, 125 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,974 and that's an order. 126 00:02:42,015 --> 00:02:43,306 What? 127 00:02:42,015 --> 00:02:43,306 You can't do that. 128 00:02:43,348 --> 00:02:45,099 It's completely against 129 00:02:43,348 --> 00:02:45,099 the rules. 130 00:02:45,223 --> 00:02:46,431 Okay, Sonia Sotomayor. 131 00:02:46,473 --> 00:02:48,015 I would never break 132 00:02:46,473 --> 00:02:48,015 the rules. 133 00:02:48,057 --> 00:02:49,932 But what I could do, 134 00:02:48,057 --> 00:02:49,932 for totally 135 00:02:49,974 --> 00:02:52,640 "unrelated reasons," 136 00:02:49,974 --> 00:02:52,640 is have you busted 137 00:02:52,682 --> 00:02:54,223 back down to a beat cop. 138 00:02:54,223 --> 00:02:56,473 No, don't do that, 139 00:02:54,223 --> 00:02:56,473 all right? 140 00:02:56,515 --> 00:02:58,057 I can learn to love 141 00:02:56,515 --> 00:02:58,057 nip slips. 142 00:02:58,099 --> 00:02:59,807 No, you either love them, 143 00:02:58,099 --> 00:02:59,807 or you don't. 144 00:02:59,849 --> 00:03:00,890 It's too late. 145 00:03:00,932 --> 00:03:02,265 You dump Santiago, 146 00:03:00,932 --> 00:03:02,265 or you kiss 147 00:03:02,306 --> 00:03:03,682 that detective badge 148 00:03:02,306 --> 00:03:03,682 good-bye. 149 00:03:06,099 --> 00:03:07,515 Beat it. 150 00:03:08,557 --> 00:03:10,223 First time back 151 00:03:08,557 --> 00:03:10,223 in the Nine-Nine. 152 00:03:10,265 --> 00:03:11,057 Mm. 153 00:03:11,099 --> 00:03:12,431 I really miss these people, 154 00:03:12,473 --> 00:03:15,682 the whole crew... 155 00:03:12,473 --> 00:03:15,682 Jake, Terry, bleh. 156 00:03:15,723 --> 00:03:17,557 I forget all their 157 00:03:15,723 --> 00:03:17,557 other names. 158 00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:20,223 Just remember, we're here 159 00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:20,223 as PR representatives. 160 00:03:20,265 --> 00:03:21,265 I don't want to be disruptive. 161 00:03:21,306 --> 00:03:22,390 Too bad. 162 00:03:22,431 --> 00:03:23,765 We're like rock stars 163 00:03:22,431 --> 00:03:23,765 to these people. 164 00:03:23,807 --> 00:03:25,223 They're gonna go nuts, 165 00:03:23,807 --> 00:03:25,223 just like... 166 00:03:27,431 --> 00:03:28,765 I would hate it 167 00:03:27,431 --> 00:03:28,765 if these doors opened 168 00:03:28,807 --> 00:03:30,890 and everyone stopped working 169 00:03:28,807 --> 00:03:30,890 to applaud us. 170 00:03:35,223 --> 00:03:37,515 Hmm, nothing. 171 00:03:37,557 --> 00:03:40,223 You must be loving this. 172 00:03:40,223 --> 00:03:41,807 Yes. 173 00:03:41,849 --> 00:03:42,807 What? 174 00:03:42,849 --> 00:03:44,099 He's ordering us 175 00:03:42,849 --> 00:03:44,099 to break up? 176 00:03:44,223 --> 00:03:45,057 Look, we can deal with this. 177 00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:46,223 We just need a new plan. 178 00:03:46,223 --> 00:03:47,223 I got it. 179 00:03:47,223 --> 00:03:48,390 We lie, tell him we broke up, 180 00:03:48,431 --> 00:03:49,723 and then date in secret. 181 00:03:49,765 --> 00:03:52,640 Great! And you'd be okay 182 00:03:49,765 --> 00:03:52,640 lying to your captain? 183 00:03:52,682 --> 00:03:54,057 - Okay, new plan. 184 00:03:52,682 --> 00:03:54,057 - Uh-huh. 185 00:03:54,099 --> 00:03:55,932 Captain Holt 186 00:03:54,099 --> 00:03:55,932 is here today. 187 00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:57,057 Yes, genius! 188 00:03:57,099 --> 00:03:58,223 He loves us, 189 00:03:58,265 --> 00:03:59,640 and he's got tons of sway 190 00:03:58,265 --> 00:03:59,640 in the department. 191 00:03:59,682 --> 00:04:00,932 He'll tell the Vulture 192 00:03:59,682 --> 00:04:00,932 to back down. 193 00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:02,057 Yeah, he'll be all... 194 00:04:02,099 --> 00:04:04,223 "Vulture, I must insist 195 00:04:04,265 --> 00:04:06,306 that you desist." 196 00:04:06,348 --> 00:04:08,015 I really think 197 00:04:06,348 --> 00:04:08,015 this is gonna work. 198 00:04:08,057 --> 00:04:09,765 Also, if you ever want 199 00:04:08,057 --> 00:04:09,765 to bust out 200 00:04:09,807 --> 00:04:11,306 that Holt impression at home, 201 00:04:11,348 --> 00:04:12,849 I'd be okay with that. 202 00:04:12,890 --> 00:04:14,598 Oh, okay. 203 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,223 Duly noted, super disturbing, 204 00:04:16,265 --> 00:04:17,849 but I'm definitely gonna do it. 205 00:04:19,099 --> 00:04:20,431 Hey, G-spot! 206 00:04:20,473 --> 00:04:23,431 Rosa, Charles, oh, 207 00:04:20,473 --> 00:04:23,431 I missed you guys so much. 208 00:04:23,473 --> 00:04:25,099 Really, 'cause when you left, 209 00:04:23,473 --> 00:04:25,099 you made a pretty big deal 210 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,473 of deleting us 211 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,473 from your phone. 212 00:04:26,515 --> 00:04:28,765 Girl, that was just 213 00:04:26,515 --> 00:04:28,765 the showman in me. 214 00:04:28,807 --> 00:04:30,057 PR is so boring. 215 00:04:30,099 --> 00:04:32,598 I need some Nine-Nine drama, 216 00:04:30,099 --> 00:04:32,598 stat. 217 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:33,807 I don't think 218 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:33,807 we're that dramatic. 219 00:04:33,849 --> 00:04:35,265 I've been gone one week. 220 00:04:35,306 --> 00:04:37,223 Jake and Amy are dating, 221 00:04:35,306 --> 00:04:37,223 and they've killed a person. 222 00:04:37,223 --> 00:04:38,765 Come on, Charles. 223 00:04:38,807 --> 00:04:41,099 You got to have something 224 00:04:38,807 --> 00:04:41,099 weird and tragic going on. 225 00:04:41,223 --> 00:04:42,306 Nope. 226 00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:43,348 Not unless you call 227 00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:43,348 hooking up with a girl 228 00:04:43,390 --> 00:04:44,431 at a funeral "weird and tragic." 229 00:04:44,473 --> 00:04:46,015 Home run! 230 00:04:46,057 --> 00:04:47,265 Her name 231 00:04:46,057 --> 00:04:47,265 is Lieutenant Singh. 232 00:04:47,306 --> 00:04:48,640 She's super hot. 233 00:04:48,682 --> 00:04:50,473 We were seated next 234 00:04:48,682 --> 00:04:50,473 to each other two funerals ago. 235 00:04:50,515 --> 00:04:53,390 And there was hard eye contact 236 00:04:50,515 --> 00:04:53,390 all through "Danny Boy." 237 00:04:53,431 --> 00:04:55,890 Last funeral, we made out 238 00:04:53,431 --> 00:04:55,890 in the parking lot. 239 00:04:55,932 --> 00:04:57,306 This time... 240 00:04:57,348 --> 00:04:59,223 Something 241 00:04:57,348 --> 00:04:59,223 naughty this way comes. 242 00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:01,265 Ugh. What do you even know 243 00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:01,265 about this person? 244 00:05:01,306 --> 00:05:02,890 Oh, we don't know 245 00:05:01,306 --> 00:05:02,890 anything about each other. 246 00:05:02,932 --> 00:05:04,265 She says she likes that 247 00:05:02,932 --> 00:05:04,265 about us. 248 00:05:04,306 --> 00:05:07,223 It's just pure 249 00:05:04,306 --> 00:05:07,223 animal attraction. 250 00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:09,265 This is creepy 251 00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:09,265 and unlike you. 252 00:05:09,306 --> 00:05:10,265 You even know 253 00:05:09,306 --> 00:05:10,265 her first name? 254 00:05:10,306 --> 00:05:12,640 Oh, um, do animals 255 00:05:10,306 --> 00:05:12,640 in the wild 256 00:05:12,682 --> 00:05:14,223 know each other's names? 257 00:05:14,223 --> 00:05:16,390 Look, all I know is, 258 00:05:14,223 --> 00:05:16,390 Charles Boyle 259 00:05:16,431 --> 00:05:17,557 is going to that funeral, 260 00:05:17,598 --> 00:05:19,015 and he's going to put 261 00:05:17,598 --> 00:05:19,015 the "bone" 262 00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:20,223 back in boneyard. 263 00:05:22,598 --> 00:05:24,348 Hmm, strange to be 264 00:05:22,598 --> 00:05:24,348 on this side of the desk. 265 00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:25,390 Why? 266 00:05:25,431 --> 00:05:27,223 Oh, right, 267 00:05:25,431 --> 00:05:27,223 you used to work here. 268 00:05:27,223 --> 00:05:28,974 You know I made a lot 269 00:05:27,223 --> 00:05:28,974 of improvements since you left? 270 00:05:29,015 --> 00:05:30,932 I got a fridge 271 00:05:29,015 --> 00:05:30,932 for my protein shakes. 272 00:05:30,974 --> 00:05:32,223 I got a kettlebell station. 273 00:05:32,223 --> 00:05:34,682 I got a wolf 274 00:05:32,223 --> 00:05:34,682 that I killed in Utah. 275 00:05:34,723 --> 00:05:35,890 I'm fairly certain 276 00:05:34,723 --> 00:05:35,890 that's a dog. 277 00:05:35,932 --> 00:05:37,265 Yeah, it was dark. 278 00:05:37,306 --> 00:05:38,306 Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt, 279 00:05:37,306 --> 00:05:38,306 but I need you 280 00:05:38,348 --> 00:05:39,807 to sign these... 281 00:05:39,849 --> 00:05:42,223 Captain Holt, I didn't 282 00:05:39,849 --> 00:05:42,223 realize you were here. 283 00:05:42,265 --> 00:05:43,348 Sergeant Jeffords, hello. 284 00:05:43,390 --> 00:05:44,723 Welcome back. 285 00:05:44,765 --> 00:05:46,099 Hey, you know, I'm gonna 286 00:05:44,765 --> 00:05:46,099 stop you right there. 287 00:05:46,223 --> 00:05:48,265 Hugs are a form of inappropriate 288 00:05:46,223 --> 00:05:48,265 workplace touching. 289 00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:49,849 Trust me, 290 00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:49,849 I'm very familiar 291 00:05:49,890 --> 00:05:51,557 with the sexual harassment 292 00:05:49,890 --> 00:05:51,557 guidelines. 293 00:05:51,598 --> 00:05:53,932 That'll be all. 294 00:05:53,974 --> 00:05:56,057 Well, I won't take up 295 00:05:53,974 --> 00:05:56,057 too much of your time. 296 00:05:56,099 --> 00:05:58,057 Because the Nine-Nine 297 00:05:56,099 --> 00:05:58,057 was Captain Dozerman's 298 00:05:58,099 --> 00:05:59,431 last precinct, 299 00:05:58,099 --> 00:05:59,431 you will be seated 300 00:05:59,473 --> 00:06:00,849 at the front of the funeral. 301 00:06:00,890 --> 00:06:02,640 I wanted to alert you 302 00:06:00,890 --> 00:06:02,640 that there'll be press, 303 00:06:02,682 --> 00:06:03,473 cameras... 304 00:06:03,515 --> 00:06:04,807 Whoa, whoa, whoa, cameras? 305 00:06:04,849 --> 00:06:06,265 Crap, nobody said anything 306 00:06:04,849 --> 00:06:06,265 about cameras. 307 00:06:06,306 --> 00:06:07,640 I got to rock the bells. 308 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:10,932 There we go. 309 00:06:10,974 --> 00:06:12,431 Oh, I noticed in the bullpen 310 00:06:10,974 --> 00:06:12,431 that you had changed 311 00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:13,723 the case numbering system. 312 00:06:13,765 --> 00:06:15,223 I found, when I was 313 00:06:13,765 --> 00:06:15,223 commanding officer, that... 314 00:06:15,223 --> 00:06:16,723 I'm gonna stop you 315 00:06:15,223 --> 00:06:16,723 right there. 316 00:06:16,765 --> 00:06:18,223 You're not commanding officer 317 00:06:16,765 --> 00:06:18,223 anymore. 318 00:06:18,265 --> 00:06:19,515 I was making a suggestion. 319 00:06:19,557 --> 00:06:21,223 Yeah, look, you did a lot 320 00:06:19,557 --> 00:06:21,223 of good for this place 321 00:06:21,223 --> 00:06:22,682 while you were here, 322 00:06:21,223 --> 00:06:22,682 which is great for me, 323 00:06:22,723 --> 00:06:24,099 because I get 324 00:06:22,723 --> 00:06:24,099 to take credit for it. 325 00:06:24,223 --> 00:06:25,473 But you're not a real cop 326 00:06:24,223 --> 00:06:25,473 anymore. 327 00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,723 You're a desk jockey. 328 00:06:26,765 --> 00:06:28,223 This is my precinct now. 329 00:06:28,265 --> 00:06:32,348 And the sooner that you 330 00:06:28,265 --> 00:06:32,348 accept that, the better. 331 00:06:32,390 --> 00:06:36,015 Yes, well, 332 00:06:32,390 --> 00:06:36,015 I know my way out. 333 00:06:36,057 --> 00:06:37,348 'Cause you used to work here. 334 00:06:37,390 --> 00:06:39,265 I keep forgetting. 335 00:06:39,306 --> 00:06:40,515 Everybody does. 336 00:06:42,306 --> 00:06:46,223 Well, well, if it isn't 337 00:06:42,306 --> 00:06:46,223 Captain Raymond Jacob Holt. 338 00:06:46,265 --> 00:06:47,849 It's great to see you 339 00:06:46,265 --> 00:06:47,849 back at the Nine-Nine, sir. 340 00:06:47,890 --> 00:06:49,099 Yes. 341 00:06:49,223 --> 00:06:50,890 There it is, 342 00:06:49,223 --> 00:06:50,890 that classic Jake Holt banter, 343 00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:52,306 zingers just flying around. 344 00:06:52,348 --> 00:06:53,306 It's like you never left. 345 00:06:53,348 --> 00:06:55,348 No, I most definitely left. 346 00:06:55,390 --> 00:06:56,765 Okay. 347 00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:59,223 Well, I know how much 348 00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:59,223 you love hot goss, 349 00:06:59,223 --> 00:07:01,015 so you probably heard 350 00:06:59,223 --> 00:07:01,015 Amy and I have been dating. 351 00:07:01,057 --> 00:07:02,557 And we would love 352 00:07:01,057 --> 00:07:02,557 your approval. 353 00:07:02,598 --> 00:07:03,682 No. 354 00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:04,723 But that's not 355 00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:04,723 what this is about. 356 00:07:04,765 --> 00:07:05,807 It sure is not. 357 00:07:05,849 --> 00:07:07,223 Sir, the Vulture 358 00:07:05,849 --> 00:07:07,223 is out of control. 359 00:07:07,265 --> 00:07:08,640 All right, he told me 360 00:07:07,265 --> 00:07:08,640 if I don't dump Amy, 361 00:07:08,682 --> 00:07:09,723 he's gonna demote me. 362 00:07:09,765 --> 00:07:10,890 You got to help us. 363 00:07:10,932 --> 00:07:12,015 Let me stop you 364 00:07:10,932 --> 00:07:12,015 right there, Peralta. 365 00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:13,057 I'm not the Chief of Detectives. 366 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,306 I'm not the Vulture's boss. 367 00:07:14,348 --> 00:07:16,223 I'm just some guy in PR. 368 00:07:16,265 --> 00:07:18,306 - But we thought... 369 00:07:16,265 --> 00:07:18,306 - I can't save your ass. 370 00:07:18,348 --> 00:07:19,348 I don't work here anymore. 371 00:07:19,390 --> 00:07:21,890 And the sooner you accept that, 372 00:07:21,932 --> 00:07:23,265 the better. 373 00:07:26,390 --> 00:07:28,765 Well, looks like somebody's 374 00:07:26,390 --> 00:07:28,765 got a bad case 375 00:07:28,807 --> 00:07:30,348 of the funeral crankies. 376 00:07:33,057 --> 00:07:34,099 Okay, guys, 377 00:07:34,223 --> 00:07:36,223 I know Captain Dozerman 378 00:07:34,223 --> 00:07:36,223 was a nightmare 379 00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:37,723 and that none of us 380 00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:37,723 liked him. 381 00:07:37,765 --> 00:07:40,306 But I'm gonna need all of you 382 00:07:37,765 --> 00:07:40,306 to pretend like you're sad. 383 00:07:40,348 --> 00:07:42,223 Everyone make a sad face. 384 00:07:42,223 --> 00:07:44,099 Scully, you are nailing it! 385 00:07:44,223 --> 00:07:46,223 My wife just texted. 386 00:07:44,223 --> 00:07:46,223 She's leaving me. 387 00:07:46,223 --> 00:07:47,473 Good, use it. 388 00:07:47,515 --> 00:07:48,640 Now, anyone seen 389 00:07:47,515 --> 00:07:48,640 Captain Holt? 390 00:07:48,682 --> 00:07:50,473 He seemed a little down 391 00:07:48,682 --> 00:07:50,473 when he came in. 392 00:07:50,515 --> 00:07:51,849 Yeah, he let me 393 00:07:50,515 --> 00:07:51,849 choose the music 394 00:07:51,890 --> 00:07:53,723 on the way over here, 395 00:07:51,890 --> 00:07:53,723 which leads me to believe 396 00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:55,057 he's given up on life. 397 00:07:55,099 --> 00:07:56,306 I got to go find him. 398 00:07:56,348 --> 00:07:59,223 Now, be respectful 399 00:07:56,348 --> 00:07:59,223 and grieve your asses off. 400 00:07:59,223 --> 00:08:00,765 I don't know 401 00:07:59,223 --> 00:08:00,765 why this is happening. 402 00:08:00,807 --> 00:08:01,807 Scully, I love it! 403 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:03,223 Everyone follow his lead. 404 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,431 So what are we gonna do 405 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,431 about the Vulture? 406 00:08:07,473 --> 00:08:09,348 I've got a new plan. 407 00:08:07,473 --> 00:08:09,348 Pretend like we're talking. 408 00:08:09,390 --> 00:08:10,348 - We are talking. 409 00:08:09,390 --> 00:08:10,348 - Exactly. 410 00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:11,348 It's working already. 411 00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:12,515 Now I'm going to coolly 412 00:08:12,557 --> 00:08:14,265 run my hands 413 00:08:12,557 --> 00:08:14,265 through my hair. 414 00:08:14,306 --> 00:08:15,390 Look where my elbow's 415 00:08:14,306 --> 00:08:15,390 pointing. 416 00:08:15,431 --> 00:08:16,765 It's Davis Garmin, 417 00:08:16,807 --> 00:08:18,223 Chief of Detectives. 418 00:08:18,223 --> 00:08:19,390 Holt said he could 419 00:08:18,223 --> 00:08:19,390 overrule the Vulture. 420 00:08:19,431 --> 00:08:20,682 Exactly. 421 00:08:20,723 --> 00:08:22,390 The only question now is, 422 00:08:20,723 --> 00:08:22,390 will he believe us? 423 00:08:22,431 --> 00:08:24,348 Yes, 'cause we're gonna 424 00:08:22,431 --> 00:08:24,348 take a page 425 00:08:24,390 --> 00:08:25,473 from the Vulture's book. 426 00:08:25,515 --> 00:08:27,223 - "The Big Book of Small Butts"? 427 00:08:25,515 --> 00:08:27,223 - What? 428 00:08:27,265 --> 00:08:28,431 It's the only thing 429 00:08:27,265 --> 00:08:28,431 I've ever seen him read. 430 00:08:28,473 --> 00:08:30,473 No, we're gonna secretly 431 00:08:28,473 --> 00:08:30,473 record the Vulture 432 00:08:30,515 --> 00:08:31,974 telling you to dump me. 433 00:08:32,015 --> 00:08:33,348 Then we'll play it 434 00:08:32,015 --> 00:08:33,348 for Chief Garmin. 435 00:08:33,390 --> 00:08:34,348 Then... 436 00:08:34,390 --> 00:08:35,348 We're gonna totally 437 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,306 have sex on top 438 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,306 of each other. 439 00:08:37,348 --> 00:08:38,557 You get to keep your job. 440 00:08:38,598 --> 00:08:39,807 Yes, that. 441 00:08:42,431 --> 00:08:44,390 Ooh, Charles, 442 00:08:42,431 --> 00:08:44,390 your jump-off is here. 443 00:08:44,431 --> 00:08:45,598 Hello, Detective. 444 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:46,974 Hello, Lieutenant. 445 00:08:47,015 --> 00:08:48,557 Real tragic 446 00:08:47,015 --> 00:08:48,557 about the captain. 447 00:08:48,598 --> 00:08:50,431 Yes, real tragic. 448 00:08:50,473 --> 00:08:52,015 I like the way 449 00:08:50,473 --> 00:08:52,015 your butt looks today. 450 00:08:52,057 --> 00:08:53,473 I've been doing lunges 451 00:08:52,057 --> 00:08:53,473 in the shower. 452 00:08:53,515 --> 00:08:55,306 Well, this got upsetting 453 00:08:53,515 --> 00:08:55,306 real quick. 454 00:08:55,348 --> 00:08:58,057 I want to live 455 00:08:55,348 --> 00:08:58,057 in this moment forever. 456 00:08:58,099 --> 00:09:00,223 I got us a motel room 457 00:08:58,099 --> 00:09:00,223 across the street. 458 00:09:00,223 --> 00:09:03,223 Meet me there in 15 minutes. 459 00:09:03,265 --> 00:09:04,723 I'll meet you, all right. 460 00:09:04,765 --> 00:09:06,557 M-E-A-T. 461 00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:11,557 Still think it's creepy? 462 00:09:11,598 --> 00:09:13,015 Yes. 463 00:09:13,057 --> 00:09:14,932 Charles, it is not like you 464 00:09:13,057 --> 00:09:14,932 to have sex 465 00:09:14,974 --> 00:09:16,306 with a total stranger. 466 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,932 Really, tell that to me 467 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,932 in an hour 468 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:20,932 when we've had sex 23 times. 469 00:09:23,807 --> 00:09:25,431 There you are. 470 00:09:25,473 --> 00:09:26,431 You okay, sir? 471 00:09:26,473 --> 00:09:27,765 No. 472 00:09:27,807 --> 00:09:29,849 Until this morning, 473 00:09:27,807 --> 00:09:29,849 some small part of me 474 00:09:29,890 --> 00:09:32,473 still believed I would be 475 00:09:29,890 --> 00:09:32,473 captain of the Nine-Nine again. 476 00:09:32,515 --> 00:09:34,057 What a fool I was. 477 00:09:34,099 --> 00:09:35,598 I should never have returned. 478 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,431 It's like visiting 479 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,431 your childhood home 480 00:09:37,473 --> 00:09:40,890 and seeing it's been replaced 481 00:09:37,473 --> 00:09:40,890 by a denim pants store. 482 00:09:44,057 --> 00:09:46,557 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 483 00:09:46,598 --> 00:09:48,598 Slow down, sir. 484 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,932 You didn't even stop 485 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,932 and sniff the bouquet. 486 00:09:50,974 --> 00:09:52,515 You always 487 00:09:50,974 --> 00:09:52,515 sniff the bouquet. 488 00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:53,682 Maybe the old Holt did. 489 00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:55,431 But the new Holt 490 00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:55,431 chugs Beaujolais 491 00:09:55,473 --> 00:09:58,515 from a Burgundy glass 492 00:09:55,473 --> 00:09:58,515 without a care. 493 00:09:58,557 --> 00:10:00,723 Oh, it's a Sauternes glass. 494 00:10:00,765 --> 00:10:04,473 Look, the alcohol has 495 00:10:00,765 --> 00:10:04,473 rendered me a simpleton. 496 00:10:04,515 --> 00:10:06,557 Maybe you should just 497 00:10:04,515 --> 00:10:06,557 call it a day. 498 00:10:06,598 --> 00:10:08,099 I can't. 499 00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,765 I've been asked to deliver 500 00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,765 a toast here after the funeral, 501 00:10:10,807 --> 00:10:13,849 a message of hope. 502 00:10:13,890 --> 00:10:15,640 This is what I have so far. 503 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,181 "Pain..." 504 00:10:25,557 --> 00:10:27,140 That's it. 505 00:10:27,181 --> 00:10:28,640 One tweak... 506 00:10:28,682 --> 00:10:30,723 maybe you should lose 507 00:10:28,682 --> 00:10:30,723 the word "pain" 508 00:10:30,765 --> 00:10:32,557 and then get in a cab 509 00:10:30,765 --> 00:10:32,557 and go home. 510 00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:34,348 Maybe I will. 511 00:10:34,390 --> 00:10:38,099 But first, you're gonna have 512 00:10:34,390 --> 00:10:38,099 one drink with me, Sergeant. 513 00:10:38,140 --> 00:10:39,515 For old times' sake? 514 00:10:39,557 --> 00:10:41,390 - One drink, and then we go. 515 00:10:39,557 --> 00:10:41,390 - One drink. 516 00:10:46,765 --> 00:10:49,807 My tolerance has really 517 00:10:46,765 --> 00:10:49,807 changed since I had kids! 518 00:10:58,515 --> 00:11:00,557 Hey, Captain. 519 00:11:00,598 --> 00:11:02,306 I was looking for you inside. 520 00:11:02,348 --> 00:11:04,515 One thing I won't do 521 00:11:02,348 --> 00:11:04,515 is fart in church. 522 00:11:04,557 --> 00:11:06,099 This is God's house. 523 00:11:06,223 --> 00:11:07,890 Oh. 524 00:11:07,932 --> 00:11:09,223 Respectful. 525 00:11:09,223 --> 00:11:10,640 So listen, remember 526 00:11:09,223 --> 00:11:10,640 when you said to me 527 00:11:10,682 --> 00:11:13,015 that I have 528 00:11:10,682 --> 00:11:13,015 to dump Santiago 529 00:11:13,057 --> 00:11:15,223 or else you're gonna bust me 530 00:11:13,057 --> 00:11:15,223 down to beat cop? 531 00:11:15,223 --> 00:11:17,640 What I remember, Jake, 532 00:11:15,223 --> 00:11:17,640 is you pretending to be my bro 533 00:11:17,682 --> 00:11:19,682 and me being like, 534 00:11:17,682 --> 00:11:19,682 "I'm onto you, dillweed. 535 00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:26,223 Oh, uh, sorry, could you 536 00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:26,223 say that one more time? 537 00:11:26,223 --> 00:11:27,890 I couldn't hear you 538 00:11:26,223 --> 00:11:27,890 over the bagpipes. 539 00:11:30,473 --> 00:11:31,515 Ugh, one second. 540 00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:33,015 Excuse me, could you stop 541 00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:33,015 playing that? 542 00:11:33,057 --> 00:11:34,265 Just trying to have 543 00:11:33,057 --> 00:11:34,265 a conversation. 544 00:11:34,306 --> 00:11:36,015 I'm warming up, man. 545 00:11:34,306 --> 00:11:36,015 Sorry. 546 00:11:36,057 --> 00:11:37,265 Yeah, I know. 547 00:11:36,057 --> 00:11:37,265 We just need two minutes. 548 00:11:37,306 --> 00:11:38,682 No can do. 549 00:11:38,723 --> 00:11:40,431 The funeral's about to start. 550 00:11:40,473 --> 00:11:42,223 Everyone wants 551 00:11:40,473 --> 00:11:42,223 to hear me honk, so... 552 00:11:42,265 --> 00:11:43,640 Do you really need 553 00:11:42,265 --> 00:11:43,640 to warm up, though? 554 00:11:43,682 --> 00:11:45,473 I mean, you're just gonna make 555 00:11:43,682 --> 00:11:45,473 a terrible wall of sound. 556 00:11:45,515 --> 00:11:47,473 First of all, that's offensive 557 00:11:45,515 --> 00:11:47,473 to me as half Scottish. 558 00:11:47,515 --> 00:11:51,390 Second of all, you think 559 00:11:47,515 --> 00:11:51,390 you could do better? 560 00:11:51,431 --> 00:11:52,723 Blow my bag. 561 00:11:52,765 --> 00:11:54,265 Look, we just need 562 00:11:52,765 --> 00:11:54,265 a couple of minutes to chat. 563 00:11:54,306 --> 00:11:55,640 That's it. 564 00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:57,223 I'm not gonna stop playing 565 00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:57,223 until you blow it. 566 00:11:57,265 --> 00:11:58,223 All right, just give it to me. 567 00:11:58,265 --> 00:11:59,849 All right? 568 00:11:59,890 --> 00:12:01,473 Prepare to hear me play 569 00:11:59,890 --> 00:12:01,473 the bagpipes perfectly. 570 00:12:01,515 --> 00:12:03,223 Okay. 571 00:12:05,223 --> 00:12:06,099 Oh, my God. 572 00:12:06,223 --> 00:12:07,431 Point proven. 573 00:12:07,473 --> 00:12:08,723 Yeah, I think I've heard 574 00:12:07,473 --> 00:12:08,723 just about enough 575 00:12:08,765 --> 00:12:09,765 of this catfight. 576 00:12:09,807 --> 00:12:10,765 I'm out. 577 00:12:10,807 --> 00:12:13,223 Wait, Captain! Sir! 578 00:12:13,223 --> 00:12:16,932 Your boyfriend... sorry, 579 00:12:13,223 --> 00:12:16,932 your ex-boyfriend is pathetic. 580 00:12:16,974 --> 00:12:19,765 You should be glad 581 00:12:16,974 --> 00:12:19,765 that I ordered him to dump you. 582 00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,765 Swish, Kobe. 583 00:12:25,223 --> 00:12:26,223 Got it. 584 00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:29,015 Yes! You're amazing! 585 00:12:33,849 --> 00:12:35,223 That was "We Are the Champions." 586 00:12:37,431 --> 00:12:39,015 Ugh, it's impossible 587 00:12:37,431 --> 00:12:39,015 to find Garmin 588 00:12:39,057 --> 00:12:41,015 with everybody mourning 589 00:12:39,057 --> 00:12:41,015 all over the place. 590 00:12:41,057 --> 00:12:43,306 It's like they have no respect 591 00:12:41,057 --> 00:12:43,306 for our sneaky plans. 592 00:12:43,348 --> 00:12:44,557 I know. 593 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,223 Oh, look, there he is. 594 00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:47,306 Oh, great. 595 00:12:47,348 --> 00:12:48,557 Hi there. 596 00:12:48,598 --> 00:12:49,890 Sorry, this area 597 00:12:48,598 --> 00:12:49,890 is reserved 598 00:12:49,932 --> 00:12:51,849 for close personal friends 599 00:12:49,932 --> 00:12:51,849 of the deceased. 600 00:12:51,890 --> 00:12:53,265 Ah, well, that is us. 601 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:55,015 Dozerman and I were 602 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:55,015 pretty much besties. 603 00:12:55,057 --> 00:12:56,807 Went on an annual 604 00:12:55,057 --> 00:12:56,807 fishing trip together. 605 00:12:56,849 --> 00:12:58,640 Cayuga Lake, 606 00:12:56,849 --> 00:12:58,640 caught a lot of Coho salmon. 607 00:12:58,682 --> 00:13:01,223 We are both so bummed 608 00:12:58,682 --> 00:13:01,223 that he's dead. 609 00:13:01,265 --> 00:13:02,849 Super bummed. 610 00:13:02,890 --> 00:13:04,849 Oh, right on. 611 00:13:02,890 --> 00:13:04,849 Come in. 612 00:13:04,890 --> 00:13:05,932 Thanks. 613 00:13:05,974 --> 00:13:08,057 Blessings to you. 614 00:13:08,099 --> 00:13:08,932 - Blessings? 615 00:13:08,099 --> 00:13:08,932 - I don't know. 616 00:13:08,974 --> 00:13:10,390 It's my first time 617 00:13:08,974 --> 00:13:10,390 in a church. 618 00:13:10,431 --> 00:13:11,431 All right, 619 00:13:10,431 --> 00:13:11,431 how did you do that? 620 00:13:11,473 --> 00:13:12,974 Simple detective work. 621 00:13:13,015 --> 00:13:14,682 There was a floral arrangement 622 00:13:13,015 --> 00:13:14,682 up front with a picture 623 00:13:14,723 --> 00:13:16,974 of Dozerman and 30 of his 624 00:13:14,723 --> 00:13:16,974 friends holding a big fish. 625 00:13:17,015 --> 00:13:19,057 Cayuga Lake, I pulled 626 00:13:17,015 --> 00:13:19,057 straight from the guest book. 627 00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,473 And Coho salmon? 628 00:13:20,515 --> 00:13:21,390 Well, that's just something 629 00:13:20,515 --> 00:13:21,390 I know about 630 00:13:21,431 --> 00:13:22,557 from being a man of the world. 631 00:13:22,598 --> 00:13:24,557 Our special today 632 00:13:22,598 --> 00:13:24,557 is Coho salmon on a... 633 00:13:24,598 --> 00:13:25,557 Sounds disgusting. 634 00:13:25,598 --> 00:13:27,099 Do you have chicken fingers? 635 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:28,557 Impressed? 636 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:28,557 Mm-hmm. 637 00:13:28,598 --> 00:13:30,099 And horrified 638 00:13:28,598 --> 00:13:30,099 by your eating habits. 639 00:13:30,223 --> 00:13:31,223 Well, if I'm so unhealthy, 640 00:13:31,265 --> 00:13:33,640 how come I never 641 00:13:31,265 --> 00:13:33,640 go to the bathroom? 642 00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:37,015 Okay, let's get to Garmin. 643 00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:37,015 Yeah. 644 00:13:37,057 --> 00:13:38,974 Hi, I'm Margaret Dozerman. 645 00:13:39,015 --> 00:13:40,682 How did you know my husband? 646 00:13:40,723 --> 00:13:43,557 Oh, Mrs. Dozerman, 647 00:13:40,723 --> 00:13:43,557 your husband was a great man. 648 00:13:43,598 --> 00:13:45,473 Some of my fondest 649 00:13:43,598 --> 00:13:45,473 memories of him 650 00:13:45,515 --> 00:13:46,932 were on our fishing trips. 651 00:13:46,974 --> 00:13:48,057 You went on those trips? 652 00:13:48,099 --> 00:13:49,057 I did, indeed. 653 00:13:49,099 --> 00:13:51,473 They called me "the Coho King." 654 00:13:51,515 --> 00:13:53,640 Pretty much single-handedly 655 00:13:51,515 --> 00:13:53,640 organized those things myself. 656 00:13:53,682 --> 00:13:57,223 So you were the one who 657 00:13:53,682 --> 00:13:57,223 brought all the prostitutes? 658 00:13:57,223 --> 00:14:00,223 Uh... 659 00:14:00,223 --> 00:14:02,015 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 660 00:14:00,223 --> 00:14:02,015 Can we slow down? 661 00:14:02,057 --> 00:14:03,765 Why? 662 00:14:02,057 --> 00:14:03,765 Are you not into this? 663 00:14:03,807 --> 00:14:05,099 No, no, no. 664 00:14:05,223 --> 00:14:07,099 My friends are just 665 00:14:05,223 --> 00:14:07,099 in my head. 666 00:14:07,223 --> 00:14:08,431 They think it's weird 667 00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,265 that we don't know anything 668 00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,265 about each other. 669 00:14:10,306 --> 00:14:11,974 I think it's hot. 670 00:14:12,015 --> 00:14:14,057 Totally, I'm glad we're 671 00:14:12,015 --> 00:14:14,057 not interested in each other 672 00:14:14,099 --> 00:14:16,974 as human beings. 673 00:14:17,015 --> 00:14:20,223 Oh, how about if you 674 00:14:17,015 --> 00:14:20,223 tell me things about yourself 675 00:14:20,265 --> 00:14:22,765 and then I tell you how little 676 00:14:20,265 --> 00:14:22,765 I care about them? 677 00:14:22,807 --> 00:14:24,682 Okay. 678 00:14:24,723 --> 00:14:25,974 Okay, here goes. 679 00:14:26,015 --> 00:14:27,223 I'm an only child. 680 00:14:27,265 --> 00:14:29,099 - Not interested. 681 00:14:27,265 --> 00:14:29,099 - I was born in Delaware. 682 00:14:29,223 --> 00:14:30,223 Who even asked you? 683 00:14:30,223 --> 00:14:31,807 I like this. 684 00:14:31,849 --> 00:14:33,682 I don't care what you like. 685 00:14:35,974 --> 00:14:38,431 But maybe you could tell me 686 00:14:35,974 --> 00:14:38,431 one more thing. 687 00:14:38,473 --> 00:14:40,223 She's a vegan! 688 00:14:40,223 --> 00:14:42,015 What is going on? 689 00:14:42,057 --> 00:14:43,765 You're right. 690 00:14:42,057 --> 00:14:43,765 I couldn't help myself. 691 00:14:43,807 --> 00:14:44,974 I wanted to know about her. 692 00:14:45,015 --> 00:14:46,473 And I got what I deserved... 693 00:14:46,515 --> 00:14:50,015 a vegan, a gluten-free vegan! 694 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,932 Charles, you need 695 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,932 to calm down. 696 00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:53,723 No. 697 00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:53,723 You called it, Rosa. 698 00:14:53,765 --> 00:14:55,515 So go ahead. 699 00:14:53,765 --> 00:14:55,515 Laugh at me! 700 00:14:55,557 --> 00:14:56,557 Laugh! 701 00:14:56,598 --> 00:14:57,723 Laugh it up! 702 00:14:57,765 --> 00:14:59,640 Can I wait till 703 00:14:57,765 --> 00:14:59,640 after the funeral? 704 00:14:59,682 --> 00:15:02,723 Shh! 705 00:15:02,765 --> 00:15:03,765 Of course you can. 706 00:15:05,431 --> 00:15:07,557 Sir, my life stinks. 707 00:15:07,598 --> 00:15:09,431 Sharon's on bed rest. 708 00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:12,890 My favorite mango yogurt 709 00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:12,890 got discontinued. 710 00:15:12,932 --> 00:15:15,682 And my kids think 711 00:15:12,932 --> 00:15:15,682 their preschool teacher's 712 00:15:15,723 --> 00:15:17,723 a stupidface. 713 00:15:17,765 --> 00:15:21,598 Everyone I work with 714 00:15:17,765 --> 00:15:21,598 is a stupidface. 715 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:23,223 Especially Bryce. 716 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,557 - Sir? 717 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,557 - Hmm? 718 00:15:24,598 --> 00:15:25,557 - Sir? 719 00:15:24,598 --> 00:15:25,557 - Hmm? 720 00:15:25,598 --> 00:15:26,765 - Sir? 721 00:15:25,598 --> 00:15:26,765 - Hmm? 722 00:15:26,807 --> 00:15:28,557 Can I be honest? 723 00:15:28,598 --> 00:15:30,348 Precinct's not the same 724 00:15:28,598 --> 00:15:30,348 without you. 725 00:15:30,390 --> 00:15:32,390 The Vulture's the worst. 726 00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,015 My mango yogurt... 727 00:15:34,057 --> 00:15:35,348 Yes, you already mentioned 728 00:15:34,057 --> 00:15:35,348 the yogurt. 729 00:15:35,390 --> 00:15:37,015 'Cause it's important! 730 00:15:37,057 --> 00:15:40,306 When I saw you 731 00:15:37,057 --> 00:15:40,306 in the office this morning, 732 00:15:40,348 --> 00:15:42,807 I wanted to give you 733 00:15:40,348 --> 00:15:42,807 the biggest hug. 734 00:15:42,849 --> 00:15:44,473 But the Vulture 735 00:15:42,849 --> 00:15:44,473 told you not to, 736 00:15:44,515 --> 00:15:45,598 and you had to listen. 737 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,223 He's your captain now, Terry. 738 00:15:47,223 --> 00:15:50,223 I hate going to work 739 00:15:47,223 --> 00:15:50,223 and you're not there. 740 00:15:50,265 --> 00:15:52,473 Everything is garbage. 741 00:15:52,515 --> 00:15:55,932 Hmm. 742 00:15:52,515 --> 00:15:55,932 "Everything is garbage." 743 00:15:55,974 --> 00:15:58,515 I should put that 744 00:15:55,974 --> 00:15:58,515 in my message of hope. 745 00:15:58,557 --> 00:16:00,682 That's a really good idea! 746 00:16:00,723 --> 00:16:03,431 It took my husband and me 747 00:16:00,723 --> 00:16:03,431 years of counseling 748 00:16:03,473 --> 00:16:05,431 to get over those little 749 00:16:03,473 --> 00:16:05,431 backwood orgies of yours. 750 00:16:05,473 --> 00:16:07,682 He had sex with five prostitutes 751 00:16:05,473 --> 00:16:07,682 in one weekend. 752 00:16:07,723 --> 00:16:09,099 - Ugh! 753 00:16:07,723 --> 00:16:09,099 - That's bananas! 754 00:16:09,223 --> 00:16:10,265 I had no idea. 755 00:16:10,306 --> 00:16:11,473 I was probably 756 00:16:10,306 --> 00:16:11,473 too busy praying. 757 00:16:11,515 --> 00:16:13,223 You said you planned 758 00:16:11,515 --> 00:16:13,223 the trips. 759 00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:16,223 - Yeah, I did say that. 760 00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:16,223 - Called yourself the Coho King. 761 00:16:16,223 --> 00:16:17,099 All right, look. 762 00:16:17,223 --> 00:16:18,974 I'm not the Coho King. 763 00:16:19,015 --> 00:16:20,099 My name is Jake. 764 00:16:20,223 --> 00:16:21,390 And your husband 765 00:16:20,223 --> 00:16:21,390 was only my captain 766 00:16:21,431 --> 00:16:22,390 for, like, a day. 767 00:16:22,431 --> 00:16:23,515 Wait a second. 768 00:16:23,557 --> 00:16:26,348 Are you the Jake 769 00:16:23,557 --> 00:16:26,348 that killed him? 770 00:16:27,557 --> 00:16:29,348 No, I'm prostitute Jake. 771 00:16:29,390 --> 00:16:30,598 I love prostitutes. 772 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:31,598 You need to go. 773 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:32,765 You should leave right now. 774 00:16:32,807 --> 00:16:33,849 You need to leave 775 00:16:32,807 --> 00:16:33,849 right now. 776 00:16:33,890 --> 00:16:35,223 It's okay, Margaret. 777 00:16:33,890 --> 00:16:35,223 Come on. 778 00:16:35,223 --> 00:16:37,223 Oh, Chief Garmin, 779 00:16:35,223 --> 00:16:37,223 wait, I just... 780 00:16:37,223 --> 00:16:39,515 need to play you one 781 00:16:37,223 --> 00:16:39,515 quick recording of my boss. 782 00:16:41,223 --> 00:16:42,765 You recorded me? 783 00:16:42,807 --> 00:16:44,223 That's not cool, Jake. 784 00:16:44,223 --> 00:16:46,057 Well, we were just taking 785 00:16:44,223 --> 00:16:46,057 a page out of your book. 786 00:16:46,099 --> 00:16:47,390 Yeah? What are you 787 00:16:46,099 --> 00:16:47,390 gonna do next, huh? 788 00:16:47,431 --> 00:16:49,223 Are you gonna start wearing 789 00:16:47,431 --> 00:16:49,223 leather bracelets, hmm? 790 00:16:49,265 --> 00:16:50,765 Good luck pulling off 791 00:16:49,265 --> 00:16:50,765 that chunky-B 792 00:16:50,807 --> 00:16:52,431 with those skinny little 793 00:16:50,807 --> 00:16:52,431 girl wrists of yours. 794 00:16:52,473 --> 00:16:53,431 Congratulations. 795 00:16:53,473 --> 00:16:55,057 You're no longer a detective. 796 00:16:55,099 --> 00:16:57,057 You're a beat cop again. 797 00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:59,348 I just crushed your dreams. 798 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,682 Okay, I know things 799 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,682 seem really bad right now, 800 00:17:05,723 --> 00:17:07,223 but we just need a minute 801 00:17:05,723 --> 00:17:07,223 to think. 802 00:17:07,223 --> 00:17:10,223 [bagpipes playing 803 00:17:07,223 --> 00:17:10,223 "Amazing Grace'] 804 00:17:10,265 --> 00:17:11,265 Come on, man! 805 00:17:15,765 --> 00:17:17,807 Okay, so the Vulture 806 00:17:15,765 --> 00:17:17,807 has your phone. 807 00:17:17,849 --> 00:17:19,348 But new plan... 808 00:17:19,390 --> 00:17:20,765 Jake, we've had lots 809 00:17:19,390 --> 00:17:20,765 of plans, 810 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,057 and none of them 811 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,057 have worked. 812 00:17:22,099 --> 00:17:23,431 Yeah, but this is a good one. 813 00:17:23,473 --> 00:17:25,473 The new plan is: no plan. 814 00:17:25,515 --> 00:17:26,765 We wing it! 815 00:17:26,807 --> 00:17:27,849 Probably won't work, 816 00:17:26,807 --> 00:17:27,849 but I said it 817 00:17:27,890 --> 00:17:28,974 with a lot of confidence. 818 00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:30,099 Jake, you got demoted. 819 00:17:30,223 --> 00:17:32,057 We said this relationship 820 00:17:30,223 --> 00:17:32,057 wasn't gonna get 821 00:17:32,099 --> 00:17:33,807 in the way of our careers, 822 00:17:32,099 --> 00:17:33,807 and it has. 823 00:17:33,849 --> 00:17:35,557 So what? 824 00:17:33,849 --> 00:17:35,557 We'll figure it out. 825 00:17:35,598 --> 00:17:37,223 I'll make my way 826 00:17:35,598 --> 00:17:37,223 back to detective. 827 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,723 Or maybe you won't. 828 00:17:38,765 --> 00:17:40,807 I'm not gonna let you 829 00:17:38,765 --> 00:17:40,807 throw away your dream job. 830 00:17:40,849 --> 00:17:42,223 Amy, this is good. 831 00:17:42,265 --> 00:17:44,515 This is a six-day 832 00:17:42,265 --> 00:17:44,515 relationship. 833 00:17:44,557 --> 00:17:46,640 We don't know what it is. 834 00:17:46,682 --> 00:17:48,515 And now 835 00:17:46,682 --> 00:17:48,515 for a message of hope. 836 00:17:48,557 --> 00:17:50,557 Ah, a message of hope, 837 00:17:48,557 --> 00:17:50,557 right on time. 838 00:17:50,598 --> 00:17:52,473 Everything is garbage. 839 00:17:52,515 --> 00:17:53,515 Oh, no. 840 00:17:53,557 --> 00:17:55,057 You find something 841 00:17:53,557 --> 00:17:55,057 you care about, 842 00:17:55,099 --> 00:17:56,557 and it's taken from you... 843 00:17:56,598 --> 00:17:58,223 your colleague, 844 00:17:58,223 --> 00:18:00,682 your dream job, 845 00:18:00,723 --> 00:18:01,682 your mango yogurt. 846 00:18:01,723 --> 00:18:02,765 Whoo! 847 00:18:02,807 --> 00:18:07,306 Never love anything. 848 00:18:09,557 --> 00:18:11,223 That's the lesson. 849 00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:12,557 To Captain Dozerman. 850 00:18:12,598 --> 00:18:14,099 Captain Dozerman. 851 00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:15,223 Thank you, sir. 852 00:18:15,223 --> 00:18:17,265 I'll take it from here. 853 00:18:15,223 --> 00:18:17,265 Very poetic. 854 00:18:17,306 --> 00:18:20,348 If I might offer 855 00:18:17,306 --> 00:18:20,348 a counter-toast of sorts. 856 00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:22,431 Captain Dozerman and I, 857 00:18:22,473 --> 00:18:24,598 we weren't together 858 00:18:22,473 --> 00:18:24,598 for very long. 859 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,390 In fact, as coworkers, 860 00:18:26,431 --> 00:18:29,390 our relationship 861 00:18:26,431 --> 00:18:29,390 was only six days. 862 00:18:29,431 --> 00:18:30,932 But that's not nothing. 863 00:18:30,974 --> 00:18:32,306 It was long enough 864 00:18:30,974 --> 00:18:32,306 for me to know 865 00:18:32,348 --> 00:18:34,015 that we had something special. 866 00:18:34,057 --> 00:18:36,265 And sure, 867 00:18:34,057 --> 00:18:36,265 there may be obstacles. 868 00:18:36,306 --> 00:18:39,515 Him having passed away, 869 00:18:36,306 --> 00:18:39,515 for example. 870 00:18:39,557 --> 00:18:41,431 But I'm not giving up on us. 871 00:18:41,473 --> 00:18:43,515 And I don't care 872 00:18:41,473 --> 00:18:43,515 if I get demoted. 873 00:18:43,557 --> 00:18:48,265 I just care 874 00:18:43,557 --> 00:18:48,265 about being with you... 875 00:18:48,306 --> 00:18:51,390 Captain Dozerman, 876 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,015 an adult man 877 00:18:53,057 --> 00:18:54,473 who has passed 878 00:18:53,057 --> 00:18:54,473 into the nether world. 879 00:18:54,515 --> 00:18:56,390 Move over, Peralta! 880 00:18:56,431 --> 00:18:58,057 Move over! 881 00:18:58,099 --> 00:18:59,099 Okay. 882 00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:02,223 And if I may do a third toast. 883 00:19:02,265 --> 00:19:06,099 It'll be focused primarily 884 00:19:02,265 --> 00:19:06,099 on the mango yogurt. 885 00:19:07,306 --> 00:19:08,557 Don't boo me! 886 00:19:08,598 --> 00:19:10,849 I lost something important 887 00:19:08,598 --> 00:19:10,849 too, shoot. 888 00:19:13,890 --> 00:19:16,223 Thought I might 889 00:19:13,890 --> 00:19:16,223 find you here. 890 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,390 So not a big fan 891 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,390 of my speech, huh? 892 00:19:18,431 --> 00:19:20,306 No, I loved it. 893 00:19:20,348 --> 00:19:22,807 I mean, I wish it hadn't 894 00:19:20,348 --> 00:19:22,807 been at a wake. 895 00:19:22,849 --> 00:19:24,223 And I wish you hadn't 896 00:19:22,849 --> 00:19:24,223 kept referring to me 897 00:19:24,223 --> 00:19:25,265 as your dead boss. 898 00:19:25,306 --> 00:19:26,807 Yeah, it pretty much 899 00:19:25,306 --> 00:19:26,807 sucked butt 900 00:19:26,849 --> 00:19:29,015 but still was somehow 901 00:19:26,849 --> 00:19:29,015 the best of the three toasts. 902 00:19:29,057 --> 00:19:30,015 Hmm. 903 00:19:30,057 --> 00:19:31,390 Look, I don't want 904 00:19:30,057 --> 00:19:31,390 to break up. 905 00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:32,723 But I don't want 906 00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:32,723 to get demoted either. 907 00:19:32,765 --> 00:19:34,682 I just don't know what to do. 908 00:19:34,723 --> 00:19:36,057 I'm all out of plans. 909 00:19:36,099 --> 00:19:37,890 I have one. 910 00:19:37,932 --> 00:19:39,807 Holt saves your ass. 911 00:19:39,849 --> 00:19:40,849 Captain. 912 00:19:40,890 --> 00:19:42,306 I was moved 913 00:19:40,890 --> 00:19:42,306 by your speech, Peralta. 914 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:43,682 Thank you, sir. 915 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:43,682 That's very nice of you to say. 916 00:19:43,723 --> 00:19:45,515 - The syntax was problematic. 917 00:19:43,723 --> 00:19:45,515 - Less nice. 918 00:19:45,557 --> 00:19:47,348 And your vocabulary 919 00:19:45,557 --> 00:19:47,348 is a true indictment 920 00:19:47,390 --> 00:19:48,473 of the public school system. 921 00:19:48,515 --> 00:19:49,807 Seems like you're just 922 00:19:48,515 --> 00:19:49,807 slamming me now. 923 00:19:49,849 --> 00:19:51,765 But the fact that you're 924 00:19:49,849 --> 00:19:51,765 not willing to give up 925 00:19:51,807 --> 00:19:54,223 in the face of adversity 926 00:19:51,807 --> 00:19:54,223 is inspiring. 927 00:19:54,223 --> 00:19:55,390 I love the Nine-Nine, 928 00:19:55,431 --> 00:19:57,473 and I'm not gonna turn 929 00:19:55,431 --> 00:19:57,473 my back on the squad. 930 00:19:57,515 --> 00:19:59,348 So I fixed your problem 931 00:19:57,515 --> 00:19:59,348 with the Vulture. 932 00:19:59,390 --> 00:20:01,682 - Really? 933 00:19:59,390 --> 00:20:01,682 - I may just be a guy in PR. 934 00:20:01,723 --> 00:20:04,431 But what does the Vulture 935 00:20:01,723 --> 00:20:04,431 love more than anything? 936 00:20:04,473 --> 00:20:05,473 Garbage Pail Kids? 937 00:20:05,515 --> 00:20:07,015 No. Publicity. 938 00:20:07,557 --> 00:20:08,723 Captain Pembroke, 939 00:20:07,557 --> 00:20:08,723 how would you like 940 00:20:08,765 --> 00:20:10,431 your face 941 00:20:08,765 --> 00:20:10,431 on the NYPD website? 942 00:20:10,473 --> 00:20:11,890 Really? 943 00:20:11,932 --> 00:20:13,515 Yes! 944 00:20:11,932 --> 00:20:13,515 Yes! 945 00:20:13,557 --> 00:20:14,974 In exchange 946 00:20:13,557 --> 00:20:14,974 for media attention, 947 00:20:15,015 --> 00:20:16,265 the Vulture will not 948 00:20:15,015 --> 00:20:16,265 bust you down 949 00:20:16,306 --> 00:20:17,890 or stand in the way 950 00:20:16,306 --> 00:20:17,890 of you two dating. 951 00:20:17,932 --> 00:20:19,557 Sir, I don't know 952 00:20:17,932 --> 00:20:19,557 how to thank you. 953 00:20:19,598 --> 00:20:22,140 Anything for the Nine-Nine. 954 00:20:22,181 --> 00:20:23,807 Thank you, sir. 955 00:20:23,849 --> 00:20:26,057 He totally approves of us. 956 00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:28,390 Whatcha doing there, 957 00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:28,390 Boyle? 958 00:20:28,431 --> 00:20:30,765 Trying to get drunk enough 959 00:20:28,431 --> 00:20:30,765 to have sexual intercourse 960 00:20:30,807 --> 00:20:32,348 with a vegan. 961 00:20:32,390 --> 00:20:33,515 Why can't I just think 962 00:20:32,390 --> 00:20:33,515 with my junk 963 00:20:33,557 --> 00:20:34,598 like a modern man? 964 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:35,598 Why do you want 965 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:35,598 to do that? 966 00:20:36,682 --> 00:20:38,598 I got divorced, 967 00:20:36,682 --> 00:20:38,598 and I was crushed. 968 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,890 My fiancée left. 969 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,890 I cried for weeks. 970 00:20:40,932 --> 00:20:42,431 My only relationship 971 00:20:40,932 --> 00:20:42,431 that wasn't 972 00:20:42,473 --> 00:20:43,890 totally devastating 973 00:20:42,473 --> 00:20:43,890 when it ended 974 00:20:43,932 --> 00:20:45,849 was my casual sex carnival 975 00:20:43,932 --> 00:20:45,849 with Gina. 976 00:20:45,890 --> 00:20:46,890 Yeah, okay, 977 00:20:46,932 --> 00:20:48,390 but which 978 00:20:46,932 --> 00:20:48,390 of those relationships 979 00:20:48,431 --> 00:20:50,473 made you happiest 980 00:20:48,431 --> 00:20:50,473 before it ended? 981 00:20:51,515 --> 00:20:53,099 My marriage? Vivian? 982 00:20:53,140 --> 00:20:55,181 Yeah, because you connect 983 00:20:53,140 --> 00:20:55,181 with them emotionally, 984 00:20:55,223 --> 00:20:56,890 something we did not do 985 00:20:56,932 --> 00:20:58,682 because I'm a higher level 986 00:20:56,932 --> 00:20:58,682 of being, 987 00:20:58,723 --> 00:21:00,473 like Her from the movie "Her." 988 00:21:00,515 --> 00:21:02,849 Dude, you can't go through 989 00:21:00,515 --> 00:21:02,849 life trying not to get hurt. 990 00:21:02,890 --> 00:21:04,348 You should try to be happy. 991 00:21:04,390 --> 00:21:06,306 So you think I should 992 00:21:04,390 --> 00:21:06,306 look for someone 993 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:07,849 I can have emotional 994 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:07,849 intercourse with. 995 00:21:07,890 --> 00:21:09,849 I wish you hadn't said it 996 00:21:07,890 --> 00:21:09,849 like that, but yeah. 997 00:21:09,890 --> 00:21:11,473 And I should start 998 00:21:09,890 --> 00:21:11,473 right here at this funeral. 999 00:21:11,515 --> 00:21:12,515 I'd probably wait. 1000 00:21:12,557 --> 00:21:14,223 Nope, no time to lose. 1001 00:21:14,223 --> 00:21:15,515 Put on your sunglasses. 1002 00:21:15,557 --> 00:21:16,849 I need to see if there's 1003 00:21:15,557 --> 00:21:16,849 anything in my teeth. 1004 00:21:16,890 --> 00:21:18,306 Ugh. 1005 00:21:20,515 --> 00:21:23,099 Oh, yeah. 1006 00:21:23,223 --> 00:21:26,015 Charles Boyle 1007 00:21:23,223 --> 00:21:26,015 is ready for love. 1008 00:21:27,765 --> 00:21:29,849 Well, never wearing 1009 00:21:27,765 --> 00:21:29,849 these again. 1010 00:21:32,431 --> 00:21:34,057 - Not a doctor. 1011 00:21:32,431 --> 00:21:34,057 - Shh!