Ladies and gentlemen,
prepare to start clapping,
'cause I just made
a major drug bust.
Talking about four kilos
of cocaine,
$200,000 cash,
and my new partner,
a tarantula.
I call him Jake Jr.,
AKA Spidey Klum,
AKA Mrs. Doubtspider,
AKA Joe Spiden,
AKA Tarantula Basset,
AKA Spi-dermot Mulrooney.
- AKA Tarantulina Jolie.
- What?
No, Charles,
have you seen this spider?
That's a terrible name.
Sorry.
Why do you have that thing?
Because they were gonna
throw him away,
but I couldn't do that
to my furry little... ah!
He's actually
really scary up close.
It's horrifying
from everywhere.
Terry hates creepy crawlers.
Seriously, I'm not going
to your apartment
if that thing is there.
All right, fine,
then he'll just live here
and help me solve crimes.
Get used to him, everyone,
'cause me and this spider
are partners for life.
He's gone.
I left the cage unlocked,
and he's gone.
Somebody find him!
Stay off the ground!
I'm good.
I'm out of here.
He couldn't have gone far...
unless he can fly.
Can tarantulas fly?
Jake, you better
find that spider.
And I'm not coming back here
until you do.
Uh, sarge,
I think I found it.
Why are you
looking at me like that?
- Oh, no.
- Oh, my gosh.
It's on my head!
A whole hour
until we testify.
Hey, donut holes.
Don't mind if I do.
Ugh!
Fish?
Fish donuts, Boyle?
What is wrong with you?
It's takoyaki.
I'm drowning my sorrows
in octopus balls.
I've been online dating;
it's a total disaster.
I've only had one match,
and it was a pretty obvious
catfish situation.
My name Yennifer.
You give me social security?
Oh, Yennifer...
Now, I see that
as a positive story.
Out of all the identities
he could have stolen,
he chose yours,
and you want to know why?
Because I posted
my annual income?
Because you posted
your annual income, you moron.
Excuse me,
is that takoyaki?
Yeah, from Senka,
right down the street.
Oh, I love that place.
The chef lets me take
octopus hearts home for my dogs.
Oh, lucky!
How many dogs do you have?
Oh, too many.
Three.
That's how many I have.
Oh.
All right, wait,
quick question.
How do you keep them
off the bed?
I gave up.
I sleep on the floor.
Me too.
It's better for your back.
Wow.
Well, nice meeting you.
What are you doing?
She's walking away.
I got nervous.
She eats octopus balls,
and she sleeps
on the floor.
She's the perfect woman.
Oh, my God.
Sorry, I was aiming
at somebody else,
but now that I have
your attention, Charles?
He was aiming
at a terrible cwim... criminal,
he probably saved the world.
Do you want to
have tak-takoyaki at the...
um, on the bench over there?
Sure, I was hoping
you'd ask.
My work here is done.
Ugh, still fish.
Oh, God.
Santiago, thank you
for coming in.
It's no secret the NYPD
has an image problem.
Yeah, when I told
my garbage man I was a cop,
he said, "Gross."
He had someone else's
Band-Aid stuck to him.
Police approval ratings
are... pardon my language...
in the commode.
All the headlines
are about the bad cops,
but there are good cops too,
and I want to put up posters
that showcase some of our best.
I'd like you to be
on the first one.
Shut up, Ray.
I mean,
interesting, Captain.
I'll think about it.
Wow, this is a bad idea.
First off, Amy has
an epic lack of swagger.
Uh, I'll have you know
I have swagger.
I ooze swagger.
Right.
More importantly,
putting up a bunch of photos
of smiling cops
isn't gonna change
how people feel about us.
I think this campaign
is very promising.
Santiago, what's your take?
Oh, right, let's hear
an unbiased opinion
from your straight-up Swimfan.
I think it's
a great idea, sir.
Well, you can
count me out.
I will not pose
for your posters.
I didn't ask you,
and you're not a police officer.
Yeah, I'm out.
Sarge, permission to arrest
Hitchcock and Scully.
I told you before,
it's not harassment
unless you can
prove intent to fart.
No, it's not that.
They robbed me.
They ate my moose tracks
ice cream.
That's funny.
I wouldn't think
you like moose tracks.
My boyfriend Marcus
introduced me to it.
- What?
It is a delicious treat
for all ages.
Damn, Rosa, okay.
Look, I think they've been
skimming people's desserts
for weeks,
but I can never prove it.
Did you see them
take your ice cream?
No, but Hitchcock has
fudge stains all over his chest.
He's always got fudge stains
all over his chest.
- Ugh.
- They'll deny everything.
We need hard proof.
So let's get it.
Step one: put a delicious
pie in the fridge
and cover it with poison.
That's step one?
What's step two?
Tell their widows
they were thieves.
Hey,
where'd she go?
You guys were hitting it off.
I half expected to see you
sitting in her lap by now.
She is amazing.
- Her palate is wide and deep.
- Gross.
And at one point
when she wasn't looking,
I snuck a whiff of her hair.
Of course you did.
She uses one of my
top three shampoos:
Tahitian Coconut,
extra lather.
Sounds good, Boyle.
Did you get her number?
Oh, we lost track of time.
She had to go back into court.
When she's done,
I'm gonna ask her out.
Oh, okay, okay.
So what's the plan?
Going straight from here
to the spa.
Couples massage.
Okay, seems a little intense,
but given how your
other weirdness lined up,
I say go for it.
- Oh, here she comes.
- Oh, okay.
- How do I look?
- You look great.
I've got a good
feeling about this.
Genevieve,
I know we just met,
and I don't want
to be too forward...
Charles.
But sometimes you just get
a feeling about a person...
Charles.
And I've got
that feeling about you.
I like you...
Charles, look down.
I think tonight we...
oh, shoot.
They just gave me
ten years in prison.
She didn't say no.
Hey, buddy.
Got you some of those
fish donuts you like so much
to cheer you up.
Although, full disclosure,
I couldn't find
where they sold them,
so that's just
a chocolate éclair
with lox on it.
Oh, thanks, Jake,
but I don't need cheering up.
You can eat it yourself.
Nope.
So what, you're not upset
about falling hard
for a lady who was
immediately thrown in jail?
No, because she's
not actually guilty.
They say she robbed
her own art gallery
for the insurance money,
but that makes no sense.
She would have made more
if the art had sold.
This piece,
"Breastfeeding Knight,"
was worth twice what she got
from the insurance company.
Wow, look at that.
Not to sound
overly intellectual,
but dem knight boobies
is crazy.
I get art.
Also, I talked to
Genevieve's lawyer.
He's a total disaster.
I have a couple questions about
a beautiful client of yours,
Genevieve Mirren-Carter.
She got hit by a tow truck
and sued the driver?
No, she was accused
of insurance fraud.
Oh, good, because I blew
that tow truck case.
Straight-up forgot
to go to court.
Well, they found one of the
stolen paintings at her house.
But she said she didn't
know how it ended up there.
- She's being set up.
- Framed.
Art joke.
Continue.
My hunch is that it's
a jealous ex-lover.
A girl like that, three dogs,
makes her own turkey stock,
that's the kind of woman
you don't get over.
Look, I know you think
my judgment's clouded
because I like her
a little bit...
You doodled your
wedding invitation.
No, that's our
joint tombstone.
My mistake.
But as a cop,
I really don't
think that she did it.
Something is off
about the case.
Okay, Boyle.
I trust your gut.
Let's go free
an innocent woman.
Nice!
My dreams are coming true.
You and me getting
my lady off together.
I mean, you know
how that sounds, right?
Look strong but fair.
But approachable.
But professional.
And fun.
But not too fun.
This is your job.
Can you handle all that?
Sir, "fun but not too fun"
was my campaign slogan
when I ran for prom queen.
Did you win?
No.
Ames?
I want to say you look great.
Thank you.
You didn't let me finish.
Dot, dot, dot,
for you.
Great news is,
it doesn't matter,
because this campaign,
like three out of five
Backstreet Boys,
is inconsequential.
That's enough, Gina.
All I'm saying as a...
if not the...
voice of the streets is,
this tisn't gonna work.
And all I'm saying as a...
if not the...
boss here is,
if you're not gonna support me,
you can leave.
Fine.
I will leave.
I'm gonna go get
a mani-pedi,
and I'm gonna do some
serious subtweeting,
so you might want to
keep off the net.
Diaz.
Look what I found
in Hitchcock and Scully's
trash can:
ice cream spoon.
Son of a bitch.
You hungry, hungry hippos
ate my ice cream.
Why was this in your trash?
And who throws away a spoon?
It's the easiest
utensil to clean.
I don't even think
it's ice cream.
It's probably medicine.
You know, I'm on
lots of medicines, Rosa.
I'm sick all over.
This is ice cream,
and I'm gonna prove it.
Sarge, no.
It's been in their mouths.
What am I doing?
Well, I guess
your little investigation
has hit a dead end.
I'll be back.
Don't move.
Not a problem.
I hate moving.
Let it go.
Interesting.
Yeah, something definitely
doesn't add up.
Did you know there's
a sausage you can drink?
What?
Are you even talking
about the case?
We got distracted.
She has an amazing tongue.
Strong, supple,
great bud density.
Okay, I'm gonna
take over the questioning.
Yeah, I'm
too close to this.
Disgusting eating habits.
Hi, Genevieve.
I'm just gonna ask you
a couple of questions now,
and Detective Boyle
will just sit there
and keep waving at you,
I guess.
Now then,
is there anybody
you can think of
besides yourself
that has access
to the gallery after hours?
No, just me,
and the vault is
only accessible
through fingerprint ID.
Does Charles
have a girlfriend?
I just saw her mouth my name.
What did she say?
Is she asking
if I'm circumcised?
What?
No.
Who asks that?
Stop interrupting.
Sorry about that.
Okay, next question.
Can you think of anyone
that might be
trying to set you up?
Maybe an employee
or a rival of some kind?
Maybe my ex-boyfriend Nick.
He's an artist,
a terrible one.
He was always in debt
and begging for money.
That's why we broke up.
Maybe he's resentful.
Dirtbag ex.
Oh, that was
my theory, remember?
Tell her it was my theory.
- Okay.
- Wait, give me a second.
I want to look smart
when you say it.
Okay.
Uh, hey, Genevieve,
Detective Boyle wanted me
to let you know
that he, a college graduate,
had a similar theory
that it could have been
an ex-boyfriend.
Wow.
He is so smart.
Wow, it actually worked.
I've got to
hand it to you, buddy
whatever you're putting down,
she is picking up.
Oh, good.
- Oh, one more thing.
- Boyle has another question.
Tell her
when this is all over,
I'm gonna rub her body
in pâté,
and then rub it off her
with a cornichon.
I'm just gonna
give the phone back.
Okay.
Hi.
Guard got nauseous,
so we had to stop.
Hmm, that's weird.
Do you think it's because
you're the two
most disgusting people
in the universe?
- Could be.
- Yeah, check this out.
Remember the ex-boyfriend
that she mentioned, Nick?
Call him Mr. Butthead.
Okay, well,
apparently Mr. Butthead
just bought a brand-new gallery
in Dumbo to showcase his art,
which is weird,
because Genevieve said
he was always in debt.
Looks like somebody just
came into a ton of money.
Oh, and you think
she's gonna want to
get back together with him
now that he's rich.
Damn it!
No, Boyle.
He probably got the cash
from selling the stolen art.
Your hunch was right.
Yeah, it was.
Come on, Jake,
sing with me.
That's not gonna happen.
I will literally never...
♪ We're gonna solve,
We should probably
leave this prison.
Yep.
Okay, here's my cover.
My name is Sherwin LeMonde,
sculptor, painter,
full-time barista.
But once I sell my first piece,
part-time barista.
Oh, nice.
I'm Donald Hoberman-Seitz.
I wear glasses.
Is that all you got?
Sorry, I spent
the cab ride here imagining
me and Genevieve kissing.
Okay, just let me
do the talking.
Wine?
Yes, thank you so much.
Oh, wow,
I love your outfit.
I'm an artist,
so I get that it's
more than just tight.
Nick likes to
coat women in latex.
He's fascinated by the idea
of the human chrysalis
in society's pupation.
Hmm, cool.
Human chrysalis
and whatnot.
Yeah, whatnot.
It's a whatnot.
Yeah, yeah.
I have no idea
what a chrysalis is,
but serious question:
if she farts in that thing,
does it blow up like a balloon?
You have to assume
that it would.
You have to, right?
- Yeah.
- Art is so intense.
It really is.
Look, there's Nick.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
- Is this your work?
- Yes.
It's good.
I haven't talked to anyone here,
but it almost seems like
you're going for
a human chrysalis thing.
I'm glad you like it.
I wish I could take credit,
but this is society.
I'm just holding up
the mirror.
Hmm?
Wow.
You meant that literally.
Very cool.
Anyhow, I'm a fellow artist
named Sherwin.
I'm Donald Hoberman-Seitz.
I wear glasses.
So anyway,
I was wondering.
How'd you get your own gallery?
It must be really expensive.
Art's not about
the money, man.
Totally.
It's more about
the other things.
Right on.
This painting is called
"Genevieve 416."
What's that all about?
Well, April 16th was the day
my ex, Genevieve, and I
covered ourselves with paint
and made love on that canvas
for 24 hours straight.
That's pretty pathetic, dude.
You seem pretty obsessed
with Genevieve, huh?
- Excuse me?
- Donald.
I bet it really hurt
when she dumped you.
- What?
- Donald, your glasses.
Where were you July 21st,
Mr. Butthead?
Uh...
Uh, duh, uh...
you were robbing
Genevieve's gallery.
You framed her,
and I should
arrest you right now.
- What are you, cops?
- What?
No, we're artists.
And as artists,
we question everything,
including certain people's
whereabouts on particular dates.
Get out of here.
Fine, but we're taking this,
because you don't
deserve that memory.
That painting is $95,000.
I don't want it anyway.
Your penis was on it.
Sorry about that.
Donald is...
sucks.
Hey, you dumdums.
Ice cream.
Moose tracks ice cream.
How do you know?
Yep, it's
definitely ice cream.
- Knew it!
- They're going down.
Also, whoever used this spoon,
their body ain't right.
Okay, let's say
it is ice cream.
But I didn't eat it;
I couldn't have.
I'm lactose intolerant.
Me too.
I'm super lactose intolerant.
You're lying.
Have you ever
seen us eat dairy?
You know no one can bear
to watch you eat.
Check.
And...
check.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay.
I got to say, Boyle.
Nick was pretty defensive.
Yeah, and he's
a terrible artist.
All he does is
have sex on canvases.
Any fourth grader
could do that.
But...
they shouldn't.
No.
Hey, Nick doesn't like cops,
but he didn't do anything wrong.
And how would you know?
I'm his assistant, Dvora.
He would never
set up Genevieve.
He's still in love with her.
He keeps boxes of
her old stuff lying around.
Ooh, can we look at,
smell, and handle them?
I mean, you know,
for the investigation.
We're cops.
Please, take the boxes.
I want them out of here.
Oh, okay, great.
You wouldn't happen
to know where he was
on July 21st, would you?
Actually, I would.
He did a performance art piece
that entire month.
He lived in a cage on the street
and never left it.
The whole thing's on video.
Okay, great.
Totally.
We'll just go around back
and pick up the boxes.
Oh, one more thing.
Where in this "cage"
did he go to the bathroom?
- Bucket.
- Okay, gross.
Have a good night.
Sir, I saw my poster
on the subway this morning.
Well, you must feel
like a celebrity,
a regular Ira Glass.
They put a Hitler
mustache on me.
Yes, this is unfortunate,
but let's not overreact
to one graffito.
It wasn't just one.
People drew on
every single poster.
They put devil horns,
target on my face,
this one says, "Die Pig,"
and worst of all,
they didn't put the comma
between "Die" and "Pig."
This is easily dealt with.
I'll just issue
a statement saying
vandals will be prosecuted.
It's not just vandalism, sir.
People have
real complaints too.
"End stop and frisks."
"Stop racial profiling."
"Unlawful arrest is a crime."
I see.
I think Gina was right
about the campaign, sir.
Hmm.
I'm surprised she hasn't marched
in here to say, "I told you so."
She wouldn't do that.
You're right, Amy.
For once in your life,
you're 100% right.
I would never say that.
Did you have enough time
to read it all?
Yes.
Okay, good.
Yep, it's true.
He sat in a cage for a month.
Eww,
the bucket checks out.
This is insane.
Anything is art.
Here, watch this.
A statue of Jesus
made out of cigarette butts.
Boom, I'm a millionaire.
- That's actually pretty good.
- I know.
And I could
call it "Holy Smokes."
Should we really do this?
No, right?
That's crazy; you can't just
become an artist out of nowhere.
- Jake.
- What?
- The case.
- Yeah.
So Nick has an alibi;
that's not great.
But we have a box
of Genevieve's stuff
from the gallery.
I'm sure there's something
in here that will exonerate her.
- Right.
- Oh, my God.
Socks and shoes.
This is exactly
the type of stuff I own.
This is kismet.
Oh, no,
what's this?
It's a receipt
for a storage unit
that she didn't
tell anyone about.
- It's probably nothing.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- I'm sure it's nothing.
- Yeah.
- It's totally nothing.
- No.
It's a bunch of
stolen art.
Hey, buddy.
Sorry about Genevieve.
It's okay.
I'm resigned to
my life of solitude.
Just me and my five dogs.
Wait, I thought
you only had three dogs.
I just adopted two
online right now.
Oh, this pit bull hates kids.
That's fine;
I'll never have any.
Add to cart.
Okay, let me just grab that.
Listen to me, Charles.
You're gonna be fine.
There are plenty
of women out there.
Strong, beautiful, smart women.
How about her?
She's very beautiful.
With my luck,
she's probably a car thief.
Don't be ridiculous.
- Hey, Scully.
- Yeah?
Who's the babe?
Just booked her
for elder abuse.
Elder abuse,
that's nice.
All right, fine.
We shouldn't be
doing this at a precinct.
I really thought I was gonna
get Genevieve out of prison.
Then we'd cover
ourselves in paint
and make love for 25 hours,
one more hour than her and Nick.
Boyle, you would hate that.
Your little hummingbird heart
would explode.
I wish I didn't have a heart.
I'm off to
the cheese shop...
And I'm buying by the wheel.
- The cheese wheel.
- Yeah, I got it.
Gina, as you predicted,
there was some backlash
to the poster campaign.
Yes, I'm the Nostradamus
of your shame.
I think a problem
the police have had
is our inability
to admit our mistakes,
so this campaign
was, um...
a mistake.
You told me that,
but I got defensive
and didn't listen.
I should have been
open to criticism,
as this department should be
open to criticism.
That's why I'm
replacing these with...
These.
My email address
is at the bottom,
and I intend to respond
to every message I receive.
Before we put them up,
I want to hear your thoughts.
I love them.
Once again, my advice has,
like, saved the city.
I came up with the slogan.
It's tacky to
take credit for stuff.
We're here to apologize.
I can't prove you took
my moose tracks,
so I shouldn't have
yelled at you.
I'm impressed.
It takes a big person to admit
when they're being
a total dumdum.
We want to
make it up to you.
We got you a pizza.
Only one pizza
for both of us?
Oh, my God.
That was an obvious
setup, you morons.
You're eating cheese.
You're lying about
being lactose intolerant.
No, we weren't.
Some things are
just delicious enough
to suffer the consequences.
I'm diabetic, but I still
eat sugar out of the bag.
Ugh!
Just admit you took
my moose tracks.
Admit it!
Admit...
It.
Yeah, we ate it.
And we're eating your pizza.
So who's the moron now?
Ooh, stomach.
Oh, yeah.
It's coming.
They admitted it.
That's a victory, right?
No, Terry.
There are no winners here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Coming through,
coming through!
Move it!
Move, move, move,
move, move, move, move!
Getting in a little late there
this morning, Boyle.
Where you been?
Cursing out my own shadow
for hanging out
with a loser like me.
Also an eye doctor
appointment.
Well, there's something
in the holding cell
that might cheer you up.
That's Nick's assistant.
Why is she here?
After you left last night,
I was thinking about
the 24-hour sex painting,
"Genevieve 416."
Check out the date
on this receipt
from the storage locker
with the stolen art.
April 16th.
- 416!
- Exactly.
She couldn't have rented it,
because she was busy
getting busy.
Oh, good one.
This is fantastic.
I mean, I'm not happy
that she was having sex
with another man,
but I'm okay with it
if that's what gets her off.
Do you seriously
not hear it,
because it almost seems
intentional at this point.
Why would Dvora
set Genevieve up?
Because she's
in love with Nick.
She used one of those
latex casts of Genevieve's hand
to get the fingerprints
so she could
break into the gallery.
Wow, I can't believe
you kept working the case
even after I gave up.
That was a nice thing to do.
Charles, I didn't
do it to be nice.
I did it to be amazing.
And I think you're
a great detective,
and I trusted your gut.
Go get your girlfriend
out of prison.
Oh, thanks, man.
Next time you see me,
I'm gonna be all out of orgasms.
No, you can't say that
while you're hugging someone.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.