All right, ladies,
I don't get a lot of time here,
so what you say
we make like Boyle's mom
and you debrief me?
Didn't happen,
and I should know.
She tells me everything.
Yeah, not everything, Chucky.
She took off my undies.
Hey, Peralta. What is that?
- This?
- Yeah.
Oh, nothing. Just...
Open-and-shut case.
Well, it looks like
a pretty fat file for a dunker.
- What is it?
- Just...
Some old lady has a missing...
torso that we can't find.
Put it in the major crimes pile.
We already gave them
all of our felonies.
It's because I got a bet going
with the captain of the A4
to see whose squad
can solve the most cases.
Winner chooses
a tattoo for the loser,
guess what I'm getting him.
Calvin peeing
on the Tasmanian Devil?
No, it's supposed to be
a bad tattoo.
You're really stupid
in the morning, aren't you?
Captain, we all want you
to win that bet,
but do you think maybe
we could keep a few real cases?
I'm gonna keep it
real simple for you.
We only solve
misdemeanors, wieners. Say it.
We only solve misdemeanors...
Wieners.
Congratulations. You just
called yourselves wieners.
Dismissed.
Good morning.
For whom?
For you-m.
Okay, I can't keep lying.
Wuntch is here.
Oh, there it is.
The shriveled husk
of Raymond Holt.
Look, Gina,
is that a talking raisin?
Enough foreplay.
I'm here to discuss
the department's
new smuggling task force.
The task force?
I thought you'd be handing me
another vapid PR assignment.
I am. We need to choose a phrase
to replace the phrase
"task force."
Our research suggests
it's too aggressive.
What? I like it.
Task force sounds like
some sort of body spray
for hot dudes.
And one more thing.
Since your little stunt
with the subway poster,
I think you could use
some supervision.
Bob will be keeping
an eye on you.
It's gonna be fun, Ray.
But I'm his boss.
Oh, ouch.
How demeaning.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Sarge,
you got to check this out.
Jake, what are you doing?
We can't work real cases.
This is a B and E.
It's so much more than that.
Look at these photos.
Perp came in through
the back window,
set up the living room
to look like a kid's tea party,
didn't steal anything.
Do you know what this means?
The victim still has
their stuff?
The perp wasn't there
to take anything...
except lives.
Sorry,
I always wanted to say that.
I think this is the work
of the Oolong Slayer.
Seems like a stretch.
If this is the Oolong Slayer,
why isn't there a body?
I don't know,
maybe he got spooked
before the vic got home,
or it could be...
Jake, you want a case so bad,
you're making one up.
The slayer hasn't struck
in five years.
Chief Garmin set up
a task force to find the guy
and turned up nothing,
and most importantly,
the vulture's orders were
"Only misdemeanors, wieners."
Why follow people's directions
when you could pick them up
and throw them out the window?
Hmm?
Whoa, whoa.
Was that the sound
of a juicy file I heard
plopping down on Peralta's desk?
Yeah, it was.
You just lost your overtime
privileges for the month.
Everybody, listen up.
Anyone caught working on a case
that I didn't assign
loses their overtime.
- Capooch?
Capooch.
Uncapooch.
You didn't say, "No take backs."
Ah, there you are.
I got something special
for the two of you.
Great, what do you got?
A month from today
is my birthday.
I need you
to throw me a party, all right?
Make it epic, surprise me.
Are you asking us
to plan you a birthday party?
Yeah, Helen Keller.
Pay attention.
Did you choose us
because we're women?
Women love planning parties.
It's in the Bible.
Unbelievable.
What a waste of time.
Disagree.
This is an amazing use of time.
We have complete control over
that dummy's party.
We can ruin it.
Yeah, fun.
I'll just mess up
a captain's orders on purpose.
It'll be so...
I can't even fake it.
Yeah, baby,
I can pick up the crib,
after I get the groceries
and before I start
painting the nursery.
Yeah, I can draw a cloud.
I don't need a stencil.
Okay, I'll get the stencil.
I don't know when I'll be home.
I'll text you, okay?
Ugh. All this paperwork
is gonna straight-up kill me.
How are you so chipper?
Oh, simple.
I eat a cacao nib
every time I close a case.
- A what?
- A cacao nib.
They're these happy little
chocolaty delights
from deep
in the Peruvian rain forest.
Here, try one.
Do I look like a man who snacks?
You look like eight circles
with suspenders on.
But these aren't bad for you.
They're full of fiber
and antioxidants.
Go ahead, try one.
Okay, fine.
Just one.
Damn, these are good.
And they're organic
and fair trade.
Terry loves responsible
agricultural practices.
Uh-oh.
Jake,
you should not be here IRL.
Gina, my old friend
who I grew up with.
So good to see you,
I missed you so much.
Is Holt in?
Of course he is,
but he's in a meeting,
and you can't be seen
stopping by
for chits and/or chats.
You need to leave.
Gina,
I'm not here to waste his time.
I have an extremely dope,
possibly even disgusting case,
and I need to discuss it
with him.
A case? Extra no.
If Wuntch finds out he's working
on a case, she'll punish him.
She's on the warpath
right now, Jake.
The warpath.
Okay, copy that.
Loud and clear.
Don't want to cause a problem.
I will skraight-up skedaddle
with no further a-do-do.
What's going on?
Gina said
we couldn't be seen together,
and I need your help.
Looks like we've both got
a bad case of jerk boss.
Yes, yours is an idiot,
and mine
is a fork-tongued lizard witch.
The Oolong Slayer.
He's back.
I knew
you would confirm my hunch.
He's back
to his cool-ass psycho ways.
Great news, right?
Aside from a serial killer
being on the loose.
- What's your plan?
- I'll work the case in secret.
Wrong.
We're gonna work
the case in secret.
Holy crap.
No one can know about this,
understood?
Understood.
What? I hang out
in the men's room all the time.
The acoustics are amazing.
If I recall correctly,
the Oolong Slayer
last struck five years ago.
He left behind
no DNA or fingerprints,
but he did leave
his calling card,
a tea bag in his victim's mouth.
Yeah, how cool...
I mean, awful is that?
Very cool, I mean awful.
What's our strategy?
One, reexamine all
the task force's files.
Two, check all B and Es
against the slayer's MO,
and three,
think of something supercool
to say when we arrest him.
My leading contender?
"You're going to jail
for oolong time."
- Jake, that's really good.
- Right?
Let's not overlook the fact
that he turned his crime scenes
into tea parties for dollies.
Which suggests
preadolescent trauma
leading to a pattern
of criminality
that probably began
as a juvenile.
I'm taking
an abnormal psych class,
and everyone in it
is obsessed with me.
You look into the B and Es
and I'll check out
the juvie angle.
Now, before we begin in earnest,
I'd like to propose a toast.
That's what globes are for.
A 25-year-old port
seems appropriate.
I would have gone 10.
I don't know what port is.
To catching a serial killer.
To Rihanna,
because I love Rihanna.
Okay.
Case closed.
What time is it?
That's right, it's nib o'clock.
Whooo, new case, new nib.
Read 20 words, that's a nib.
That nib was kind of small.
Hey, Sarge?
You may want to slow down
on those things.
Things?
These are the precious jewels
of the rain forest, Boyle.
I don't mean to overstep here,
but you're looking a little...
Fat.
Oh, boy.
How dare you?
You can't comment on my body.
This is a workplace.
Now I'm feeling objectified
by your male gaze.
Absolutely not.
Sir, just listen.
No, I don't want to listen.
You are trying to shame me,
and that will not fly.
Okay.
Now I need some more nibs
just to calm down.
Jake, dope alley.
- I know.
I think this is where
Batman's parents got killed.
I'll take your word for it.
The juvie angle didn't pan out.
Neither did the B and Es,
but I traced the label
on the slayer's oolong.
He got it
at Chang's Medicinal Tea Shop.
Good work, Peralta.
Breakthrough selfie?
Why not?
Breakthrough.
So what's the plan, boss?
We create a diversion
while Gina copies
his customer files.
My thumb drive
looks like a watermelon,
because I adore the summertime.
- Oh, I love that.
- Let's do this.
Hey, pal, that's my ginkgo.
It's my ginkgo now, old man.
I'm still young enough to beat
that ginkgo out of your hands.
Hey, knock it off back there.
This is so much fun.
Hit me in the face.
That was a terrible suggestion.
Oh.
All right.
Western medicine rules!
All right, sluggers.
Let's see what you got
for the big b-day bash.
I thought
you wanted us to surprise you.
It's a figure of speech,
Detective Stupid-ago.
Well, I was thinking a DJ,
two signature cocktails,
passed hors d'oeuvres
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Passed hors d'oeuvres?
What's this,
a fundraiser for French dorks?
So no passed hors d'oeuvres?
I can't even answer that.
All right, tough guy.
What you got planned?
I don't know.
Meet at a bar and...
drink there.
That's it?
Well,
still better than Santiago's.
Look, this is real
important to me, all right?
My brother's hot wife
is gonna be there,
and I haven't seen her
since his funeral.
- Wow.
- Yeah, right?
You only get one shot
at your brother's widow.
. Just go.
- Oh.
- Partner.
Not many people buy that tea,
and only one has been doing so
since the killings first began,
and he has a record. His name?
Braxton O'Reilly.
He's a maniac.
Arrested in '84
for torturing an animal?
Oh, this is our guy.
Oh, man, just a squirrel?
Still counts.
Let's get that psycho.
NYPD: nobody move.
Where is Braxton O'Reilly?
Where is that psycho monster?
He's dead.
Our condolences.
You were working a case.
I freaking knew it.
You're a liar.
And you.
You can't do anything
except disobey orders
and screw up.
I'm disappointed too.
- No one cares, Bob.
- I'm sorry.
And after all your
so-called detective work,
you didn't even get
the right guy.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond...
- It was an error...
- Do not interrupt me.
Raymond, Raymond,
Raymond, Raymond.
Seven times, once for every day
your juicy, insubordinate ass
is suspended.
Same goes for you, Peralta.
Except for the juicy ass part,
cause your ass is stupid.
Now get the hell out
of my office.
Wait a minute, sir.
You know what?
Screw this.
It's ten days now.
Shouldn't have gone back in.
I am skraight-up depressed.
Amy's been doing her best
to cheer me up.
She gave me this sticker
this morning just for waking up.
Ew, it's like
you're dating your teacher.
I know. It's so hot.
Meanwhile,
Holt won't even talk to me.
- How is he, by the way?
- Honestly, terrible.
I've only heard
from him once this week,
and that was to tell me
he'd finally come up
with a new, non-threatening term
for task forces.
Y'all ready for this?
- Do groups.
- Wow, that sucks tremendously.
Can I have another port?
You're still drinking
that stuff?
Yeah, Holt got me hooked on it.
I even gota bottle for my house.
It's classing up the booze
and take-out menus shelf.
Wait a minute.
I think I just figured
something out. I got to go.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Uh...
No, pay your bill.
Damn, who raised you?
Oh, my God.
You friended The Vulture?
Well,
he's not telling us anything,
so it's the only way
to figure out what he likes.
Maybe this will help.
He just said
his favorite color is underboob.
Look, Amy,
you're a good detective.
You don't have to perfectly plan
some butthead's birthday party.
I'm sorry, but I believe
that hard work pays off.
- Shut up.
- Excuse me?
No, shut up and look.
You're completely right.
Your hard work just paid off.
The Vulture is in a band?
Fantastic Jack
and the Junkyard Rats.
Just when I thought he
couldn't be any more the worst,
he out-the worsts himself.
- I have an idea.
I don't know why you insisted
on eating here, Gina.
It seems like
your average greasy spoon.
Pardon me. Did one of you order
the hot plate of justice?
Peralta,
what are you doing here?
Saving New York City
from a maniacal...
Excuse me?
Are those my eggs?
You kind of interrupted
an incredible moment,
but here, take that.
No, no,
we can't be seen together.
Gina, did you know about this?
Uh, tricking you
was the only way
I could get you to talk to him.
Plus, you know I heart intrigue.
Sir,
take a look at these photos.
None of the victims had
any alcohol in their apartments.
Not even a dusty bottle.
You want to know why?
Because they were all sober.
They all attended
12-step programs.
None of them the same one,
but they all have
the same leader,
a creep with a record
of torturing animals.
I'm talking dogs.
I found the Oolong Slayer,
and his name is...
I never do this,
but I kind of ordered rye.
Ma'am, I'm not a waiter, okay?
I'm trying to blow
my friend's mind over here.
Could someone get
this lunatic some rye?
His name is James Dylan Borden,
and he works the night shift
at creep-a-palooza
the mannequin factory
in Red Hook.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
Are you insane?
We were just suspended
for screwing up this case.
I shouldn't even be
talking to you.
Wuntch can probably
hear us right now.
She has super sonar hearing,
because she's a bat.
Sir,
we're tracking a serial killer.
There's nothing better.
We're living the dream.
That's your dream.
Mine was to run the nine-nine,
and
that will never happen again.
Just give the case
to major crimes.
- Wow.
Never thought
I'd live to see Holt side
with the vulture and Wuntch.
Mark the day, Gina.
May 18th at 4:00 p.m.
Oh, honey.
We're well into October.
Really?
Hey, Charles.
I thought you should know.
I heard what you said,
and it really sank in.
I'm off the nibs.
- Really?
- Of course.
I'm Terry Jeffords,
and when I put
my mind to something, I do it.
My resting heart rate is six.
Six, Boyle.
You know,
the rest of you could learn
a little something from me.
Sure, sometimes we fall down,
but it's how we get back up
that matters.
We need to look our failings
in the eye and say,
"Not today, not today, nibs."
Oh, sergeant.
Fine! I'm not better.
These nibs are just
too damn delicious.
I don't think the nibs
being too yummy is the problem.
I think right now,
there's too much on your plate...
metaphor intended.
- You're stress eating.
- That's even worse!
The stress isn't going anywhere.
I'm about to have my third kid,
and they just get
more stressful over time, man.
Oh, nibs, what am I gonna do?
Help me.
Why would a psycho
want to work here?
Got you.
Looking for me?
Nope,
just taking my gun for a walk
through the nightmares factory.
Nice try, cop.
But you and I are gonna
have a little tea party.
Am I invited? Drop the weapon.
Okay, slayer.
Prepare to go
to jail for oolong time.
Now say, "punk."
Punk.
Punk!
I said it.
- Thank you, Peralta.
- What are you thanking me for?
You're the one who showed up
and stopped him
from shooting me
in my beautiful face.
No, for giving me
one last chance to be a real cop
before going back
to a lifetime of PR drivel.
Sir,
we just caught a serial killer.
I've wanted this
since I was four years old.
- That's troubling.
- We did something special here.
I'm honored
our names will appear
next to each other
on the arrest report.
No, no.
I think
you should take sole credit.
Wuntch will only use it
to sink me.
I'm glad
your dream came true, Peralta.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
the drivel calls.
Hey, turd monkeys.
It's time to celebrate me.
Let's rock!
Whoo!
His tearaway pants
just got stuck.
Hiring him to play his own party
is straight-up brilliant.
Yep, because everything he does
is a prank on himself.
Wow,
you're an evil genius.
Next time
I want to hurt someone,
I'm coming straight to you.
Aw, that's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
All right, this next song
is called "Moms in the Shower."
Sarge, I know you have
every right to be stressed out.
A new kid on the way,
Sharon's on bed rest,
global warming...
This preamble
is making me nibby.
Get to the point.
I got the squad to volunteer
a little bit of their off time
to help you and your family out.
I'll make dinner once a week,
everyone else volunteered
babysitting time,
and Hitchcock offered massage
sessions for your wife...
- What?
- So I pepper sprayed him.
You're a good man, Charles.
How can I ever thank you?
Start taking care
of yourself again.
I miss those gross,
overly large muscles.
Lay off my body, dude.
I clearly got some stuff
to work through.
Chief Garmin,
thanks for meeting with me.
So I have a guy in custody
on an attempted B and E.
You scheduled a meeting
with the chief of detectives
to tell me that?
I did.
I should probably also mention,
he's the Oolong Slayer,
and
this is every bit of evidence
you'll need
to put him away for good.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Right?
I spent a decade looking
for this monster,
and you found him
all on your own.
Yeah, pretty easily, actually.
I imagine that'll look
pretty bad for you.
- Excuse me?
- Unless, of course, I decided
to withhold that information,
keep it just for myself
as a secret.
Tell everyone it was you
who figured it out.
Why would you do that?
What do you want?
Your own do group?
No, I actually had
something else in mind.
Captain Holt?
This can't be real.
Someone please see him before
I punch myself in the face.
- Hello, squad.
Oh, my God. Captain?
Good news.
The vulture is out,
and I'm back.
Glad you're back, captain.
We really missed you.
How'd you get them
to reinstate you?
I didn't. I guess
someone just had my back.
Wait, where's Gina?
She wanted to make
a proper entrance.
Or was I never really gone?
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.