Hey, Jakey, the place
on the corner
is serving lemonade,
and you get to keep the jar.
It's pretty cool.
Yes, that's very cool, Scully.
Mm-hmm.
Will you excuse me
just one moment?
Oh, sure.
Guys, guys, guys!
Scully has a mason jar
full of lemonade.
You called us in here
to tell us that?
No, I called you in here
to change your lives!
For, you see,
a mere five minutes ago,
Hitchcock introduced me
to his new goldfish,
who lives in...
An identical
mason jar!
Oh, this isn't
gonna end well.
There are
two possible outcomes,
and we're gonna bet on
which one happens first.
So, will Hitchcock
put fish food
in Scully's lemonade,
or will Scully drink
Hitchcock's goldfish?
Now, you would think that
putting fish food
into lemonade...
Hitchcock just drank
his own fish.
What?
Nooo!
Ames, you're
two minutes late.
I called
all the emergency rooms.
I know.
I went home from your place
to shower,
and I'm so tired
that I fell asleep
while shaving my legs.
But we went to bed so early.
Property Brothers
was over at 10:00.
I mean... sex.
We do it.
She's tired
from all the doing it.
- Who are you talking to?
- Precinct.
- Come on, man.
- Yeah.
No, I was up all night
because your dumb, lumpy
mattress is so uncomfortable.
What?
But I gave you the good lump.
Ugh, please stop talking
till I finish eating my coffee.
Ooh, a lover's quarrel.
No, I'm just tired.
I didn't ask
for part two.
Never fear, Amy,
for I have the solution
to all of your problems:
highly potent liquid speed.
Oh, you gonna
love that stuff.
Devon, we're cops.
Read the room.
But I know you'll be excited,
because I busted Devon here
with four vials of this,
which is a new drug called...
Taxi!
You actually found some?
Yup.
Your CI was right.
It's popping up
on the corners.
Man, my snitches
are the best.
The key is to always send them
handwritten thank-you notes.
Oh. So what do you say?
Shall we take this partnership
from the sheets to the streets?
Ooh, our first case
as a couple.
- Why not?
- Hey, guys.
I just discovered
a new drug too.
It's called "your relationship,"
and I'm high on it.
Charles, I'm gonna need you
to back off, man.
- Roger that.
- Yeah.
All right.
I'll take one.
Now, go sell your candy
to everyone else, stupid.
Hey, hey, hey.
You can't call a kid stupid.
What if he's really stupid?
Terry, this is Sam,
my little brother
from Brooklyn's Big Brothers.
I think it's funny
when she calls me stupid.
- No one cares, stupid.
- Screw you, Rosa.
Sam's selling candy to pay
for his basketball uniforms.
He's a forward.
I taught him how to elbow.
Cool?
Now, go home
and do all your homework,
or I will end you.
Don't let Rosa fool you.
She's not that scary.
She used to do ballet.
No way.
Which gave me
the physical skills I need
to strangle you with my feet.
Now scram.
I love being a mentor.
It's called "taxi"
because it's yellow,
and it takes you
where you need to be.
Drug dealers have gotten
so creative.
It used to just be "crack,"
and then they'd be like,
"Hey, we got a new one.
What are we gonna call this?"
And they'd go,
"I don't know, crank?"
This is certainly worth
following up on.
Santiago, take Boyle,
and work the case.
Oh, but Jake...
I mean, Detective Peralta
brought in the perp, so...
Good point.
Peralta and Boyle
can work the case.
Actually, sir, I think
we were kind of hoping
we could work
the case together.
Oh, are you two
no longer...
Smooshing booties?
Yes, that's exactly
how I was gonna
finish my sentence.
- Figured.
- We are still dating.
It's all above board.
HR gets daily updates
and are BCC'd on
all our emails to each other.
That's why HR Jim
keeps high-fiving me.
As a rule, I don't put couples
in the field together,
but you are two
of my best detectives,
so I will allow it.
Just don't let
any personal issues
distract you from your work.
You have nothing
to worry about.
There's no personal issues here.
- We've never even had a fight.
- It's true.
Our only close call
was when Jake didn't know
who Will Shortz was.
Really?
Never heard of the Puzzlemaster?
This is who
you want to be with?
I shouldn't get involved.
Good luck with the case.
Thank you.
Whoa, what's up with you,
Furiosa?
I'm in a huff,
that's what,
because of what just happened
in the garage.
What?
Nuh-uh.
How am I supposed to...
come on!
Some clown clown-parked
his clown car
in Captain Holt's spot
and halfway into mine.
What a clown!
- Sporty?
- Mm-hmm.
- Convertible?
- Yeah, that's the one.
Oh, I hate people
who drive sports cars.
You're not Gloria Estefan,
and this isn't Miami.
- Charles.
- Hey, Captain.
Get ready to join me
in the huff zone.
- No.
- Some creep had the gall...
I saw you drove Gertie
to work this morning,
- huh, Captain?
- Oh, yes.
Kevin and I finally brought her
up from the country.
Gertie is our convertible.
I think you'd like her.
She's a real peppy broad.
Oh, I didn't realize
that was your car.
My car?
Oh, "Raymond Holt"
may be on the title,
but no man can own her spirit.
Anyway, I'm sorry, Boyle.
I interrupted you.
You were saying something
about some creep.
Just some strangler
that I was... arrested.
I was talking about some
strangler that I arrested.
Well, good job.
Put the paperwork on my desk.
Thank you.
Great.
Now I have to go
find a strangler.
- Hey.
So I marked all the corners
where taxi has been
spotted on this map.
You'll probably notice
right away
that it makes
the shape of a boob.
This looks great.
Confirms Devon's story.
He says his dealer
hangs out here,
in the underboob.
He said he'll
point him out to us.
So you approach on foot
from the south,
and me and Devon
will be in an unmarked car here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Me and Devon"?
Didn't you mean
"Devon and I"?
- Oh, God.
- I corrected your grammar!
Are you so proud of me?
Are you horrified?
Are you super horny?
I'm just really tired.
Leave me alone.
Don't you mean
leave "I" alone?
No, that one felt wrong.
I guess we're equally
bad at grammar.
I'm not bad at grammar.
I'm exhausted because you refuse
to get a new mattress!
All right, why don't you
just get a new back?
I didn't mean that.
We're not fighting.
We can totally work together.
We're fine.
Yeah, that wasn't a fight.
That was just sexy
workplace banter.
Exactly.
I mean, mattresses
are also sexy
'cause that's where you do it.
Yeah.
And grammar is
a system of language
involving syntax
and semantics.
Also sexy.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Point is, we're good.
- Yeah.
All right.
You're almost to the corner.
You sure you're not
gonna be spotted?
Absolutely.
My cover makes me invisible.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you have two minutes
to talk about the environment?
Nailed it.
Now no one will make eye
contact with me.
I think it's cute.
You're like an idealistic
grad student.
Ah, you like that?
You want me to tell you
about the time
that I backpacked
through the Netherlands?
Ooh, did you fold all
your stuff up really small
to fit into one carry-on?
Is that what you want me
to have done?
Hey, there's my dealer.
Jake, grey jacket. 6:00.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you have two minutes
to talk about the environment?
NYPD! Freeze!
We got a rabbit!
He's headed for the building.
I'll just stay here.
All right; let's split up
and meet around back.
NYPD! Freeze!
Jake, he's coming your way!
- Ooh!
- Ugh!
- Nice takedown.
- Thanks.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
Nothing, nothing.
Let's just take this guy in.
No. What is it?
It's just... this mattress
looks just like
your mattress at home.
What?
No, it doesn't.
I mean, sure, there are
a couple of similarities, but...
oh, man.
It's the exact same one.
Ugh!
I have a dumpster mattress!
All right. That settles it.
We're going mattress shopping.
Seriously?
Oh, this is the best.
I'm so proud of you.
You know, once we get it,
we'll have to break it in.
Oh, I hear what you're saying:
mattress trampoline.
Wait, no.
You were talking about sex.
- Yeah.
- Then mattress trampoline.
- Sure.
- Okay.
Diaz, your friend
Sam is here.
Nice.
That little dum-dum
finished his homework early.
Where is he?
Before I answer,
maybe we could brew a pot
of nice, relaxing kava tea,
- and then...
- Spit it out.
Sam was brought in
for shoplifting a phone.
I also have chamomile!
That might calm us down.
Oh, if you want calm,
there's some ludes in evidence,
if anybody would ever
let me get them out.
Hey!
What were you thinking?
I made a mistake!
The phones were
just lying there,
and I didn't
think things through.
I'm sorry, Rosa.
Rosa is your friend
from before you were a criminal.
You are dealing
with Detective Diaz now,
and she is gonna make sure
you rot in juvie
for the rest of your life.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Can I talk to you
for a minute?
It feels like you're being
a little harsh.
Thanks. Good note.
I was going for extremely harsh.
I'll turn it up.
Diaz, he's just a kid.
Can't you just let him off
with a warning?
Sometimes,
being as tough as possible
doesn't lead
to the best outcome.
This isn't Cagney
calling Lacey a poopy-head.
I'm not just gonna
give him a time-out.
Time-out?
Are you kidding?
"Poopy-head" means
no "Doc McStuffins" for a week!
Terry hates bathroom talk.
Gina.
Gina, I screwed up, big time.
Charles, given your
daily life experiences,
you're gonna have to
be more specific.
Gertie!
There's only one option for me:
burn my face off with acid
and disappear forever.
Yes, you should do that,
or you could just
tell him what happened.
I mean, he parked in two spots.
It's kind of his fault.
Just have some B-bone, Boyle.
You know
that's my smallest bone.
Come on. It's just a car.
He's not gonna be that mad.
Son of a bitch!
Okay. I misjudged that one.
Oh, what did
he do to you, Gertie?
What did he do?
It was an accident, sir.
Yes, an accident:
the buffoon's apology.
This is your fault, mister.
Interesting.
Charles?
Do you feel that's the case?
Um, your car
is pretty far over the line.
Mm.
So it's kind of
your fault too.
Pass the blame.
The buffoonery is endless.
You're gonna pay
for what you've done.
And it won't be cheap.
They'll have to custom-mix
the color
because they no longer make
raspberry sherbet.
They're all so beautiful.
And they're all
about to be tested...
bouncy-styles.
I love this mattress.
And it loves
having you in it.
God?
- It's Brian.
- Oh.
And I'm obsessed with
giving you a good night's sleep.
Hello, Brian.
Coming on a little
strong there, buddy...
and I'm diggin' it.
How much to take
this bad boy home?
Actually, that's one of our
more reasonable models.
Oh. Holy Moses!
That is much too much money.
Well, you spent twice that
for Mr. Met to come
to your birthday party.
Yeah, and it was worth it.
Mr. Met used my bathroom.
Number two.
That's a memory
I will cherish forever.
Look, mattresses
are expensive,
but they're an investment.
It's gonna be in your life
for a long time.
True, but it's also
still just a mattress, you know?
It's a lot of money
to spend on a rectangle
that's filled with springs
and goose hair.
- You know it's feathers.
- I didn't.
And it would be
money well spent,
because it would allow me
to actually sleep in your bed.
But I already have
a mattress.
It just doesn't seem worth it.
Okay, well, to me,
it sounds like you're saying
I'm not worth it.
So I'm gonna go sleep
in my grown-up mattress
that I bought this century,
and you're not invited.
You know, she's right about
mattresses being an investment.
Back off, Brian.
Morning.
You look well-rested.
Yes, because I slept
in my own bed.
I was tossing
and turning.
Jake told me
about your fight,
and I'm so worried
about you two.
Thank you, Charles.
What do I have to do,
buy the mattress myself?
Done.
- Problem solved.
- No.
It would make him
so happy.
Good job on the bust
yesterday.
How was it, working together
as a couple?
- So good.
- So great.
- Yeah.
- Super mellow and chill.
Yeah.
- She slapped my butt once.
- Mm-hmm.
We're definitely
falling in love.
- All right.
- Good, good, good.
We found something strange
on the dealer you brought in:
two matchbooks
from the same hotel.
He's refusing to give up
his supplier,
but this could be something.
That's weird.
Look at this.
The same two matches
are missing from both books:
third one on the bottom row,
and fifth one from the top.
- Coincidence?
- No way.
No one would
take matches out like that.
Trust me; I smoked
four cigarettes in college.
One to completion.
That's a code.
A code?
Exciting.
I'll go get my pencil case.
I bet it's a room number.
Third floor, fifth room.
Room 305.
- That's definitely it.
- Well, great.
Great, great.
Santiago has solved it.
I want you two
to go undercover
as a couple
to stake out the room.
You should be
very convincing,
given that you're currently...
what was it?
"Smooshing booties."
Great, and thank you
for saying it that way.
It made us both
feel very comfortable.
Sure did.
Hey, I've been
looking for you.
Before you decide
what to do with Sam,
there's someone I think
you should talk to.
Ms. Miriam.
Surprise!
I tracked down
your old ballet coach.
I brought her in
to remind you of the effect
a kind, nurturing presence
can have on a young life.
Hello, dear.
Have you continued to dance?
No, Ms. Miriam.
Well, there's
no surprise in that.
You always were a lazy ox.
- What's this now?
- Look at your posture.
You look as if you should be
ringing the bells at Notre Dame.
Ms. Miriam was not
nurturing at all.
All right, ox.
Let's see what you've got.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Eyes up.
Shoulders down.
Well, that wasn't terrible.
See, Sarge?
Tough love works.
Damn it!
Terry proved the wrong point.
Aw, Chuckles.
You're looking even more
broken than usual.
Yeah, I should have never
have tried to stand up
to Captain Holt.
Why didn't I just beg for mercy?
It's my signature move:
"The Charles."
No, you are actually
in the right in this sitch.
The captain
is being irrational.
But he's about to learn
himself a lesson.
Right about...
Nah...
Oh, my!
Ow.
Timed it perfectly.
What?
What did you do
to my cupcake?
This is yours?
Why on Earth is your cupcake
on my chair?
Because it's very
special to me,
so I can put it
wherever I want.
This is your fault.
Now you have to buy me
a new cupcake.
This is outrageous.
You expect me to avoid...
oh, I see.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you do.
- The cupcake was Gertie.
- Yes.
- Your butt was Charles's car.
- Yes.
The chair
was the parking space.
Yes, I get it.
Your office was the garage.
Yes, I'm telling you
I understand the lesson.
And I was the brilliant
Gina Linetti in both scenarios.
All right.
We're done here.
'Kay.
You're a great captain.
Jake, why don't you
just sit down?
No, thank you.
I can see the feed better
from here.
It's really comfortable.
All right.
I'll sit.
Nope, my butt
hates expensive things.
No.
You know what your butt hates?
Making any sort of
sacrifice for us,
because it's not serious
about this relationship.
Okay, first of all,
my butt is so serious
it should be wearing
spectacles.
And second, your butt
is the butt
that is not serious
about this relationship.
My butt is totally serious.
I've made all kinds of changes.
I bought orange soda for you.
Okay!
For the last time,
Orangina is not orange soda.
Yeah, because it's better.
Uh, okay, now you're
just being crazy.
Ugh, you're not even taking
this argument seriously.
All right.
You want to get serious?
How come you haven't told
your mom that we're dating?
Yeah, that's right.
I saw the text she sent you
about setting you up
with some dude named Gary.
You read my texts?
It buzzed when you were
in the bathroom.
Who doesn't bring their phone
with them into the bathroom?
That's, like, the whole reason
to go in there.
I haven't told her because
I haven't had the chance.
What?
You talk to her, like,
every week.
You basically stalk her.
Why don't you just admit
that you don't want
to tell her about me?
Jake, it's not about you.
Look, the minute I tell her
that I'm dating someone,
she's gonna call me
all the time
and ask me a million
annoying questions.
Wow, it sounds like
such a huge drag.
I guess I'm just not
"worth it."
Boom... used the thing
you said to me
in a different argument
in this argument.
I win the argument.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is bad.
Well, you started it...
or I did.
- I can't remember at this point.
- No, Jake.
Look at the screen.
Oh, no.
For the last time,
Orangina is not orange soda.
Yeah, because it's better.
Uh, okay, now you're just
being crazy.
You're not even
taking this...
You do have to admit,
it was a pretty good point
about Orangina, though.
Your turn, Peralta.
Thank you, Santiago.
Okay.
I know you're mad,
but before you say anything,
yes, we screwed up.
And yes, you warned us.
And yes, I don't know
where I'm going with this.
But I do know this:
I have reached
the end of my sentence.
Oh, my God. Did that work?
- Not at all.
- Oh.
I can't believe
you let a personal argument
derail your investigation.
I would characterize it more
as a professional
police disagreement.
- I listened to the tape.
- Oh, no.
Yeah, well, then you know
that it was a straight-up
crazy bitch fight.
Look, I know we screwed up
the case, and I'm sorry.
But if it's any consolation,
I think we also screwed up
our relationship.
Peralta, have a seat.
I believe this might help.
When Kevin and I
first started dating,
he taught at a small
college upstate.
It was two hours away
by train or bus,
but only 30 minutes by car.
Is this another one
of your riddles?
You rode to work
on his shoulders.
One set of footprints. No?
- No.
- Okay.
Neither of us owned a car,
and I didn't want to buy one
because that would mean
admitting that
I cared for Kevin.
He had the same fear,
and so visits were rare,
and I was miserable.
Then one spring day,
Kevin showed up at my door
having purchased Gertie.
He took the leap,
and I'm so grateful that he did.
I only regret that I didn't
do it first.
Do you understand?
Absolutely.
100 percent.
The train is your
old mattress.
- Yeah.
- The car is your new mattress.
- I got it.
- Kevin is you.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm Santiago.
Loud and clear.
100 percent.
So I took care of Sam.
Uh-oh.
That sounds ominous,
like you went
all Ms. Miriam on him.
I let him off with a warning.
See, thing about Ms. Miriam
is she made me a good dancer,
but she ruined
my childhood.
She was constantly riding me
about my posture
and my technique
and my pink hair.
- Pink hair.
- Never speak of that.
Copy.
She's the reason
I quit ballet,
and I sure as hell
don't want Sam
to quit the Big Brother program
'cause of me.
This is totally
how I thought this Ms. Miriam
thing was gonna go.
Another flawless Terry plan.
Boyle, I thought
you should know.
I just got Gertie back
from the garage.
She looks as good as new.
Better, even,
because after 12 years,
they finally got
the Annie Lennox cassette
out of the tape player.
Oh, I love her.
Here's a check
for the full amount.
You don't owe me anything.
It was my fault,
and I behaved poorly,
as Gina made abundantly clear.
Oh, speaking of,
you still owe me $14
for that cupcake.
- Hey.
What's up?
Two things.
I ran the footage
from the hotel
through facial recognition
software and got a match:
Grady Lamont.
This is his current address.
That's good, I guess.
Yeah, it's six years old.
Well, druggies are lazy?
He deals in uppers.
- We're screwed.
- Yup.
What's the second thing?
Well, the Captain and I
were jamming
on some personal issues,
just going back and forth.
I honestly think I helped him
more than he helped me.
- I'm not buying any of that.
- No.
Amy Santiago...
I want to change
mattresses for you.
That's the best thing
I've ever heard.
I'm sorry I didn't
do it sooner.
I think I was just scared
that you were gonna realize
you're way better than me.
Like, you're Orangina,
and I'm orange soda.
Are you kidding?
You're Orangina.
Ugh.
Don't say that.
Look.
I was scared too.
I'm gonna call my mom tonight.
Okay.
Let's buy this baby.
Calling up the website,
finding the mattress,
adding to cart,
signing in as "guest"...
That is not an option.
Creating an account...
You don't have to buy it
right this second.
Nope, this is a big
romantic gesture,
and I'm nailing it.
Shipping address...
not the same as billing address.
Got to enter both of those.
Jake, Jake, look!
There's our guy.
Oh, perfect timing.
Submit order.
Province? Oh, no.
We're on the Canadian website.
Click on the American flag.
- Jake!
- Yeah.
We'll do this later.
Let's go!
Not a doctor. Shh!