Gather around,
glorious turd monsters,
and feast your eyes on
what I hold in this hand:
the future of movement...
a hoverboard.
I don't understand
those things.
Is walking really
so hard for you?
Oh, Ames,
walking's a nightmare.
Yeah, Amy.
Now, friends,
eat my space dust.
Okay, a little harder to control
than I thought.
Okay, there we go.
Whoo!
Think I'm getting
the hang of it.
No, I'm not!
I'm all right.
No!
Ow!
I'm doing it!
You got this?
No, I do not got this,
Terry!
Don't let go of me!
The future of movement
is now!
Whoa!
There he is.
All hail the birthday boy.
Oh, what the hell was that?
Charles, probably shouldn't
have done that
in a police station.
And not celebrate
your birthday properly?
I'd rather get shot.
You do you, Boyle.
I'm doing me.
What's this case?
Oh, this isn't work.
It's research on your mom
since we're finally meeting.
It's very thorough.
Just relax.
She's gonna love you.
You're both strong,
accomplished women
that have seen me naked.
I used to be so good
at meeting grownups.
I'd just sing
"Itsy Bitsy Spider" flawlessly
and ride that wave
till bath time.
But now...
it's anybody's guess.
All right, what I am about
to say will make you very horny,
but you have to try and remember
that we're still at work.
Do you want me to quiz you?
Oh, God, yes.
Wow.
Okay, great.
What is my mother's favorite
drink?
Red wine over ice.
Just like Diane Keaton,
or so she always says.
Favorite topics of conversation?
Jimmy Carter was underrated,
how beautiful
some front doors are.
What's Jane Seymour up to?
And how cool is it
that the ladies across
the street are lesbians?
Great.
Nice work.
Topics to avoid: how my dad
left us and ruined our lives,
how my dad got remarried twice
and ruined our lives,
how my dad moved to Canada
- and ruined our lives.
- You know what?
I'm just gonna steer clear
of your dad entirely.
Smart.
You're gonna be fine,
all right?
She's gonna totally love you.
Are those her dental records?
Gina, are you excited
for our
"Escape the Room"
team-building exercise?
I told you, sir,
it would be far more effective
for the squad to go to Vegas,
and you give us each $5,000.
No, I see no value in that.
But nine coworkers forced to
riddle their way free
from a locked room...
I would spend my $5,000 to buy
backstage passes to Britney,
and then I'd ask her
one question:
You think you're a better
dancer than me?
We are not going
to Las Vegas.
We're going to Long Island City
and we will bond meaningfully,
and that is a direct order.
I'll see you at 8:00 tonight.
Tonight?
Um...
Okay, great.
Jake!
Jakester!
Remember when I did not
email you about
Captain Holt's "Escape the Room"
thing tonight?
No, and I can't go.
Amy and I are going to
my mom's house for my birthday.
Adults don't care about
their birthdays.
You came to work last year
on a horse.
Man, forget you.
Where's Charles?
On a stakeout
with Rosa and Terry.
Police work?
What a waste of time.
So no Jake, no Amy, no Charles,
no Rosa, no Terry.
That leaves me with...
Aah.
Ooh!
- Aah.
Oh, dear God.
Okay, this is the block our
boy Tommy Tran does his drops.
Before we do anything else,
are your body cams turned on?
Why are you so obsessed
with these things?
It's like your stupid babies
all over again.
My babies are not stupid.
Cagney can write
a lowercase I.
It's just a line, right?
Look, I worked hard to get us
included in that pilot program.
Body cams are important,
and I need these field tests
to go well.
I'm gonna go take my position.
"Just a straight line."
Come on!
Unique New York.
I took a Toastmasters class
to prepare for tonight.
Seriously,
it's gonna be fine.
We're just gonna have
some dinner, eat dessert,
play charades,
and then talk for half an hour
about which of her friends
are sick.
We're gonna play charades?
You wait until t-minus
two seconds to tell me that?
Okay.
Movie. Book.
What's the thing for song?
I don't know the thing for song.
Hi, birthday boy.
Hi.
Mom, is something on fire?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You must be Amy.
Let me take you in.
Okay.
I'll just take in this gorgeous
front door of yours.
- Mom, seriously, the fire?
- It's fine.
Things don't burn down
like they used to.
I'm just gonna
put it out.
Well, you know, it's good
enough for Diane Keaton.
It's good enough for me.
I love her.
I mean,
she's no Jane Seymour.
Where is Jane Seymour
now, anyway?
She makes jewelry,
and it's beautiful.
I just bought two brooches for
the lesbians across the street.
Mom, I keep telling you,
if you don't rein it in
a little bit,
you're gonna scare them off.
Well, that's what you said
about Carla,
and I ignored it,
and now I have a friend
with one arm.
I stand corrected.
Oh, must be
your birthday surprise.
You got the '86 Mets?
Be warned, a lot of them
turned out to be drug addicts,
so this could be a bummer.
You ready?
Hey, buddy.
Happy birthday.
Dad?
What are you doing here?
I wanted to surprise you.
Yeah, well I am surprised
that you know it's my birthday.
Actually, Jake...
your father and I are, uh,
seeing each other again.
Oh!
Wow, that's...
that's so interesting.
Oh...
I know this isn't
the best time,
but we are in
your childhood bedroom,
and I do have one question:
did you have a nose ring
in high school?
Yes. Until it got infected
and I almost went blind.
Don't tell anyone.
Cool. It's our secret.
Just gonna check my email
up high.
No new messages.
Amy, can we focus?
What is going on here?
Why is my dad dating my mom?
What does he want?
Money, but she's a public school
art teacher.
That doesn't make any sense.
Maybe that son of a bitch
wants his picture drawn!
Jake, Karen is a grown woman
with a pretty respectable
credit score.
I'm sure she knows
what she's doing.
Amy, I know that you
have a binder,
but you don't know her
like I do.
She's too trusting
for her own good.
She's fallen for more
Nigerian scams than Scully.
She's fallen
for 20 Nigerian scams?
20?
That's insane.
No, she's fallen for 2.
Scully's fallen for 20?
Yeah.
Look, all right,
you know what?
This is fine.
It's just the same
that it's always been.
I have to protect her.
I'm gonna go down there,
and I'm going to express
my concerns to her
in a calm,
rational manner.
What are you doing, Mom?
He's evil!
I'm glad
we got these sweet cams.
What is happening
with your voice?
This is Body Cam Charles.
I got to sound badass
in case anybody watches
the footage, capisce?
Aah!
Oh, I just spilled soup
on the cam!
Why do you have soup
on a stakeout?
Oh, no.
Crap!
Oh, it's not turning back on.
Do you think Sarge
is gonna be mad
that I spilled "fuh"
on the cam?
He definitely will
if you say pho like that
when you tell him.
I'm not gonna
mispronounce it.
Not while you're rolling.
Go get yourself cleaned up!
- See anything, Sarge?
- Not yet.
Don't know why
I didn't go undercover
as someone wearing a scarf.
Terry hates windchill.
Wait, here's our guy.
Got him.
Crap!
I think he made me.
He's headed toward
the restaurant!
You follow.
I'll cover the back alley!
Someone's in here!
Uhh!
Ah!
- Rosa?
- Charles.
You're completely naked.
You have the right
to remain silent.
You have the right
to an attorney.
Where is everyone, Gina?
Perhaps that's
tonight's first puzzle.
I forgot to send
the invitations.
But I was able to rally
the best and brightest
of those available.
Oh, dear God.
Sorry we're late.
Turns out the front door
was a push, not a pull.
Well, maybe we should
just reschedule.
You have three hours
to find the four keys
that will prevent
the apocalypse
and release you
from this room.
Your time starts now.
Well, this is
a sobering reality.
Okay,
I got your favorite cake:
- blue.
- I'm not hungry.
It's a figure of speech.
Obviously, I'll have some.
You know,
I don't think our guest Amy
really wants to
talk about this, Jake.
Can we just move on?
Yes.
Maybe we could talk about
someone we all admire:
President Jimmy Carter.
When I think of
the great...
So how serious is it, Hmm?
Have you guys kissed?
Has he stayed the night?
Has he brought you a chocolate
orange from the airport?
'Cause that's his big move.
Jake, your mother and I
have been seeing each other
for three months.
Oh, you know what?
I oughta throw up
in your face.
I know that you're angry,
but when I was here last year,
you really showed me
what a selfish jerk I was.
You're the reason
that all of this is happening.
Yeah, but I didn't want this.
I just wanted you to
text me a dumb dad joke
every six months.
I can do that.
Just give me your number.
You didn't save my number?
Now, Jake, look.
I know every mistake
your father has made,
and he says
they're all in the past.
Now just blow out your candles.
Okay, great.
Great idea, Mom.
I'll blow out
my birthday candles.
I wished that you would leave.
Damn it, I shouldn't have
said it out loud.
Now it won't come true.
Okay, we have maps,
a pantry, beds, a desk.
Where should we begin?
Do you have any experience
with puzzles?
Yes.
I've never solved one.
This says we have
three questions.
- No.
- Uh-oh.
- How do we get outta here?
- Can't tell you.
- Really?
- Yes.
That's enough!
Sorry about that.
Can we please have
our questions back?
No.
And that's three.
You're done.
Oh, Captain,
how could you?
Hey.
You didn't come back down.
I had to talk to your parents
for, like, an hour,
and I ran out of stuff
from the binder,
and then I did something
really weird.
So... do you know where
the nearest train station is?
I know it sucks
that I did that,
but think about how I feel.
My stupid parents
are borking each other.
And my mom thinks she knows
all the worst things
that my dad did,
but she has no idea.
She doesn't even know
that he cheated on her
with her best friend,
Sheila Bodden.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I saw them.
They were in our car
in the garage having sex.
It's the whole reason I can't
have sex in cars in garages.
That's a very specific
sexual hang-up.
I mean, has it really
held you back?
Well, are we having sex
in car in a garage right now?
No. So, yeah, big time
it's held me back.
I never told her about it
'cause I didn't want
to crush her heart, but...
now I have to use it.
I'm gonna tell my dad if he
doesn't do the decent thing
and leave my mom again...
I'm dropping the Sheila bomb.
Whoa.
I know this is a really
big deal, but I have to ask.
Did you wear this hat
in high school?
Amy!
There's only one way I'm gonna
get my dad alone.
You have to tell my mom
that you need to
- speak with her in private.
- About what?
I barely know her.
Tell her you're plugged up
and you need a laxative.
What? No!
What?
I'm not gonna say that.
Okay, here's the plan:
I drop the bomb
during charades.
I'll just tell him I know
about Sheila... with my body.
Um...
Fast, uh, fast...
"Fast and Furious"?
"Magic Mike"?
I don't know...
Uh, "Crying Game"?
- I don't know.
- Time.
Ah!
Oh.
- I... I didn't...
- No, no, no.
It's fine.
I... it's... I'm...
Um, right,
why would you be?
Yeah, it's not like
I'm always, uh...
Naked.
- Yeah.
Look, man, no one's ever gonna
see that footage.
The case was cut and dry.
It's not like I'm dying
to tell anyone I saw your...
Bennie and the Jets.
Sure.
Whatever.
Hey, I've been looking
for you guys.
I just talked
to our perp's attorney.
He's claiming the drugs
you seized in the bathroom
- weren't his.
- What?
But we saw him throw them
in the garbage.
Yeah.
Normally, it'd be your word
against his,
but lucky for us,
you were wearing body cams!
Yeah, but the thing
about cameras
is that they don't really
tell the full objective truth.
Images can be distorted.
People often seem naked.
Boyle, what are you
talking about?
Boyle is fully nude
in the footage.
Why?
The whole thing?
- No, no, no.
Not the whole thing.
Okay.
It doesn't matter
how much humping I do.
He's still not getting it.
Okay.
Well...
then this is happening.
Hey, Karen, can I talk to you
for a second in private?
I'm a little plugged up.
Oh, well, say no more.
I have an entire cabinet
devoted just to that.
Wow.
TMI, you guys.
Thank you.
Oh, man,
this is so much fun.
Thanks for giving me
a second chance, buddy.
Second chance?
Are you seriously not getting
what I'm charades-ing down
at you?
That was you and Sheila Bodden
humping it up
in the back of our car.
What?
I...
Yeah, that's right.
I saw you.
I saw your weird dad butt,
and I saw her aquamarine leotard
bunched up around her ankles!
It scarred me for life.
I'm sorry.
I... I didn't know you saw that.
Yeah, well, I did,
and I never told Mom about it,
but I swear to you, I will
unless you leave right now.
Should be easy for you since
it's your favorite thing to do
aside from humping it up
with ladies.
You think I'm way more
sexually active than I am.
I mean, I've only
had sex with, like,
400 women.
What?
400?
Oh, my God.
Is that a lot?
I mean, all my friends
are pilots.
I'm on the low end of
average.
- Listen.
I don't want
to hurt your mother.
Please... don't tell her
about Sheila.
Fine, I won't,
provided you leave right now.
Your move, white devil.
So if I'm correct,
this should contain...
key number one!
Yay.
Open the door.
Oh, we need to find
four keys.
And it took half our time
just to find this one
because I had to do it
completely alone.
You're all useless.
Sorry.
I've been a little busy
trying to solve the puzzle
of how does one man
chew so loud
with just one mouth?
- Sorry.
Could you stop kicking
that thing
for one minute, Hitchcock?
The TV's being a dick.
You got to turn it,
like, four times
just to change
the damn channel.
Four times?
Try turning it to...
22, 18, 81, 17.
The coordinates
for the Bay of Pigs.
And the military...
- Nice job.
You broke the TV.
No, I found another key,
you dolt.
So one was in a knight,
the basketball teams were
the Mustangs and Stallions.
We only need two more keys.
This just might work out
after all.
You're damn right it will,
'cause we're a ragtag,
scrappity,
fart-dumb, moron parade,
smart-ass team!
Okay, we're all good.
Raw garlic.
Cures everything.
It sure does,
and it's so delicious.
Uh...
Where's your father?
Oh, Roger, you mean?
He left very suddenly.
Said something about
"being the worst."
- What did you say to him, Jake?
- What?
Why do you assume
that I said something?
He's a leaving jerk,
so he left like a jerk.
This is what he does.
- He's not a monster.
- Yeah, well,
you wouldn't say that
if you knew
- everything that he's done.
- What did he do, Jake?
Nothing.
You know, just, like
super-awful
life-changing things.
No follow-up questions.
Is it worse than the time
he cheated on me
with Sheila Bodden?
Ah.
You knew about that?
Yeah.
I knew about that.
I can't believe
you knew about Sheila.
I also knew about Wendy.
And Bonnie.
Bonnie who wears a wig?
She left it in our bathroom.
That's how I found out.
And also, remember your turtle,
Graham Crackers?
Dad had sex with my turtle?
No, no, no, no, but he...
he stepped on it
getting out of bed.
But you said
Graham Crackers
got married
and moved in with his wife.
How did I not know
any of this stuff?
Well,
because you were a kid,
and kids don't actually know
a lot about their parents.
Jake,
I've dated a lot of men
in the last 20 years.
- You have?
- A lot.
Okay, you don't have to put
so much mustard on it.
And I haven't met
anyone I like.
But I like your father.
And I know he has been
a selfish jerk,
but he really has changed.
Last month
when I had bronchitis,
he flew in on his day off
just to bring me soup.
It was this weird
Canadian soup.
I-I think it was just
all cheese.
But it was really nice.
Man, I feel stupid.
I was just trying
to protect you,
but I clearly
made everything worse.
You have been protecting me
since you were a kid.
Sometimes I think
you got so good at it,
you decided to become a cop
and protect everyone.
Oh, that's a cool thought,
but I became a cop
because of "Die Hard."
I love you.
I love you, too, Mom.
Come here.
You know,
I'm probably remembering
a lot more nakedness
than there actually was.
No, you're not.
Also, no one's gonna see it
on that little TV.
Great news.
We were able to snag
the new flat screen.
4K, baby!
Your honor, Mr. Tran claims
that he had no narcotics on him.
Fortunately, our detectives
were equipped with body cams.
Someone's in here!
I think we all clearly saw
where Mr. Tran threw the drugs
in the trash right before
he was apprehended.
At least it's over now.
Really?
How do we know those were drugs?
Please back that tape up.
No!
Objection!
On what grounds?
That's my penis?
Overruled.
Hey, man, look at that
and tell me what you see.
A naked fool.
No. Between the thighs
and under the testicles,
there's a bag of cocaine.
A bag of cocaine that's gonna
get us a conviction
and prove the value
of body cams.
You know what I see?
A naked hero.
You're right, Sarge.
Thank you.
Now let's zoom in.
Whoop! Over-zoomed.
Well, well, well.
Look who's trying to
skip town.
You told me to.
Right.
Look, I talked to Mom,
and I just want her to be happy.
So can we go back to
my birthday party now?
I'd love that, son.
This is nice.
If you screw this up
and hurt her in any way,
I will throw you in jail
for the rest of your life,
and I can do that now, Dad,
so do not test me.
Okay.
I still liked the hug
even though you used it
to threaten me.
Yeah, well...
I kind of liked
threatening you, so...
Come on.
Okay, so we found
key number three,
thanks to Scully.
I was gonna eat
those peaches anyway.
That leaves just one more key.
Team, what in this room
is speaking to you right now?
Um, I'm intrigued
by the phone.
It looks like it would be fun
to call a friend on it
it and talk about a third friend
behind their back.
Interesting.
The dial tone's not steady.
I think it's Morse code.
I know Morse code!
My dad was a prisoner of war
in Korea,
and I could only talk to him...
Shut up.
Who cares?
Just decode the message.
It's a phone number.
Oh.
Booyakasha.
Ready?
One,
two,
three,
four.
Congratulations.
We did it.
And we did it together
because we're a team.
Should we do it again
next week, sir?
No.
I would hate that.
- Hey, honey.
Thanks for bringing Roger back.
You're very welcome.
Hey, by the way, Amy was really
nervous to meet you,
so don't judge her too harshly
for all the weird singing.
Oh, no.
I'm dating my son of a bitch
ex-husband.
Who am I to judge?
I think she's really great.
I think
you're really great too!
She's very good
at lip reading.
I wouldn't say I'm very good.
I mean, deaf people,
they're the real talents.
Just can't stop.
I'll let you guys talk!
I'll just close my eyes.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.