Hey, Gina!
We got an anonymous gift basket.
Yeah, it's full of treats.
It's got meats, cheeses,
candies,
all the food groups.
The cheese is amazing.
It melts in my mouth
and in my hands.
Hmm, French chocolates,
French cheeses,
tiny French pickles.
Did none of you detectives
think this might be a gift
for Captain Holt from
someone in France?
Like his husband,
par exemple?
What?
No way.
This is a nice present from
an unknown, appreciative citizen
that wanted us to munch.
Hmm, what's this, then?
"Dear Captain Raymond Holt,
thinking of you.
Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph.D."
He even used their pet names.
Oh, no, I ate the
chocolate-covered strawberry.
That's the most intimate
snack of them all.
Holt's gonna be back from
his meeting in 30 minutes.
- What do we do?
- Eat the note!
No!
No.
It's okay.
We can fix this.
Check it out, sir.
A lovely gift basket that Kevin
sent you all the way from Paris.
Straight from Paris!
Stapler, scissors.
Rubber bands.
That man really knows me.
Attention, squad.
I just received a call.
A very important,
very high profile celebrity
was robbed in our precinct.
What celebrity, sir?
Is it a Chris?
Hemsworth? Evans? Pratt? Pine?
Brown? Cross?
Is it a non-Chris?
This is a sensitive matter,
and I can only disclose details
to the lead detective
on the case.
Sergeant, let me know
who's available, ASAP.
Yes, sir.
Sarge, Sarge, Sarge.
You know that
I'm your guy for this.
You can't give
a celebrity case to Amy.
The last movie she saw was a
documentary about spelling bees.
Wrong; it was about
the font Helvetica,
and it played like
an action thriller.
You already have
a case, Peralta.
I assigned it to you
this morning.
That was just some kid with
a little bit of pot on him.
Meanwhile, Chris Rock
is tied up in his basement
calling out for my help,
and you're standing in my way.
Just work the case
I assigned you.
Can't I just give my case
to Hitchcock and Scully?
I mean, they clearly have
a ton of time on their hands.
Hitchcock hasn't even gotten
out of his chair today.
Hey, Jake, I can go
anywhere in this thing.
But... shouldn't.
Hitchcock and Scully
are house mouses.
They do paperwork
and they're good at it.
They don't go out
in the field.
Boyle, you take
the celebrity case.
Me? Instead of Jake?
Have you lost your damn mind?
I am so sorry, Jake.
I don't know what's
wrong with Terry.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna work it with you.
I'm giving my drug bust
to Hitchcock and Scully.
It's time to get these mice
out of their hice.
Oh, that was lame.
Life is meaningless.
We're all gonna die.
Mouses out of their houses.
Yes, I am the greatest.
Every breath is a gift.
Sorry about the roller coaster.
I'm just happy
I'm tall enough to ride.
Hey, Rosa.
Saw you hadn't signed up
for the blood drive yet,
so I brought you the sheet.
Sorry, can't.
I'm... under 17 years old.
Wait, you didn't sign up
last year, either.
Or the year before.
Are you afraid of needles?
I don't like being
stabbed by someone
so they can steal my blood.
I'm crazy.
This is amazing; you're
scared of something I'm not.
I'm tougher than you.
I'm tougher than Rosa.
Eh, I take it back.
I'm so sorry.
Look, it's okay.
We all have fears.
I'm so claustrophobic,
I can't even go
into the downstairs
supply closet.
I hear they have some
hot new binder clips,
but I'll never know.
I'm scared of businessmen.
A whole army of gray-suited
Brads and Chads trying
to suck my soul and redeem it
for frequent flyer miles.
Great, so you guys get it.
- Conversation over, bye.
- No, no, no, no, no.
What if we each agree to face
one of our fears today
for ourselves
and for all of womenkind?
Ugh.
That sounds terrible.
But I'm in.
Fine, I'll do it too.
Guys, come on.
I really think this'll
be good for... oh, wait.
You... we're doing my thing?
Okay.
Thanks for taking us
to lunch, Jake.
Of course.
Get whatever you want.
Oh, man, I already ate.
I guess I'll just have
a cheeseburger deluxe,
couple slices of pie,
maybe an egg cream.
- Okay.
- And a waffle.
So look, a big, important
drug case came across my desk,
and I need your help.
Only problem is, Sarge doesn't
think you can handle it.
- He's right.
- No, he's not.
Look, you're
Hitchcock and Scully.
You guys are legends.
You single-handedly caught
the Prospect Park Flasher.
Well, he was being
chased by other cops,
but he did slip
on my spilled chili.
And who bumped into Scully,
causing the spill? Me.
Damn right, and who fell
asleep under their desks
and caught the janitor
stealing evidence?
We did.
And who sued the department
and got triple-ply toilet paper
in every precinct?
We did.
Terry thinks you guys
are too old and too lazy
to handle this,
but I know what
you're really made of.
You're gonna take this case
and prove him wrong!
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
We're still gonna
eat lunch, right?
Obviously, a high profile
celebrity case such as this one
needs to be handled
with the utmost discretion.
I promise
I'll be professional,
even if it's Dianne Wiest.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm
gonna meet Dianne Wiest!
She's so sexual!
No, our victim...
is John... William...
Weichselbraun.
Remind me who that is again?
You're kidding.
He's a world-renowned oboist,
first chair with the New York
Symphony Orchestra.
Kevin and I are huge fans
of Weichselbraun's work.
We are what the Internet
sometimes refers to as...
Weichselbraun fans.
Not Weichselbrauniacs?
Oh, that's very good.
I'm gonna use that
liberally.
Anyway, Weichselbraun's
$40,000 oboe
was stolen from his apartment,
and you need to find it.
I'd work the case myself
if it didn't smack
of preferential treatment.
Don't worry, sir.
I can handle this.
So you do think it smacks
of preferential treatment?
I don't know what
you want me to say.
Okay, you've convinced me.
I'll work the case with you.
Great.
I think you owe me
an apology.
I'll apologize
to you in hell.
I actually don't know
what this is about.
Sorry I took
such a hard stance.
Holt's celebrity was
just some lame oboist.
Meanwhile, we just linked
your little dumb pot bust
to a major narcotics ring.
This might be the biggest drug
case
the Nine-Nine's had in years.
Cool.
Uh-oh.
I know a real "cool"
when I hear one.
That wasn't a real "cool."
What did you do?
Well...
I may have given
that very huge drug case
to Hitchcock and Scully.
- What?
- In my defense,
I was pretty sure you were
never gonna find out.
I don't know where
Hitchcock and Scully are.
They're not answering
their phones,
and they signed our dealer...
the one link to our drug ring...
out of holding.
I swear, if they mess up
this case, Jake, it's on you.
They're detectives.
They've been on the force
for 500 years.
They know what they're doing.
The only item on Scully's
calendar for the entire year
is "eat peanut butter."
Yeah, we got to find them.
And to do that, we have
to think like they do.
I'm going in.
All right, there's
the butt indentation,
and...
I'm docked.
Ugh.
Still warm.
All right, residual cushion fart
is about a six out of ten.
He's been gone an hour,
maybe two.
- But where?
- Hot dogs.
- They went for hot dogs.
- How do you know?
There's a water stain on the
ceiling in the shape of a bun.
Let's go.
Excuse me, have you
seen Hitchcock and Scully?
Three times a day
for 12 years.
Twice as often since I started
serving sweet wieners.
Sweet wieners?
It's a normal hot dog
with a little chocolate sauce.
- One please!
- No, Jake.
- No, Terry.
- Have you seen them recently?
Half hour ago... they ate, and
then they took off in a hurry.
Half an hour.
They could be anywhere by now.
Nope, there's Scully.
Where's Hitchcock?
I'm taking you guys
off your drug case.
Of course you are.
Jake said you didn't
believe in us.
What? He didn't
believe in you either.
He was just pumping you up with
lies so you'd work his case.
Jake, is this true?
I just thought,
you know,
the two of you might
be better off
mousing around the old house.
Oh, I get it.
Just because I got my finger
stuck in a glue trap once,
I'm a mouse?
I got the cheese out,
by the way.
- Oh, my God.
- Look, man,
we need to know
where Hitchcock is.
I am ordering you
to tell us everything.
Fine.
We're setting up a sting.
I'm going undercover
as Tex Dallas,
billionaire oil man
from Dallas, Texas,
with ties
to the cowboy mafia.
- Oh, boy.
- Hitchcock's my middle man,
Reno Vegas,
mobster from Reno, Las Vegas.
I said my "oh, boy"
too soon.
In 20 minutes, he's going in
totally alone, unarmed,
without a cell phone,
to meet with one of their guys
to set up a buy.
So how do you like
our plan now?
It's a disaster, man!
We got to stop it!
Disaster? Tell me
one thing that's wrong
with Operation Beans.
Operation Beans?
Good afternoon, sir.
I'm Detective Charles Boyle...
From the Nine-Nine.
My precinct.
I'm the captain, Raymond Holt.
Okay.
Uh, please, come on in.
I'll show you the back room
where they broke in.
You're an incredibly gracious
host, Mr. Weichselbraun.
Wow, that pronunciation
is flawless.
I must admit, I'm a bit
of a Weichselbrauniac.
Hmm, I saw you perform Bach's
"Oboe Sonata in G Minor"
at the Brooklyn Academy
of Music.
I was in the front row.
You were escorted out
for gasping too loudly.
Ah.
This is a pretty
modest apartment.
How did you afford a $40,000
oboe in the first place?
I admit that there's
not as much money
in classical music
as there once was...
Which is the real
crime here.
Boyle, can I
talk to you privately?
Sure.
What are you doing?
You just insulted
our celebrity victim
to his face.
You keep saying "celebrity,"
but he's drying his socks
on a George Foreman grill.
This is John William
Weichselbraun,
the Silver Spit Prince.
I'm making myself primary
detective on this case.
You can wait in the car.
Oh, but first, take a picture
of the two of us together.
Make sure we're laughing.
Ha-ha!
Ah.
Okay, so, I'm going to face
my fear of confined spaces.
When I'm ready,
you will shut the trunk
and leave me here
for 30 minutes.
I left a juice box
and a diaper in there for you,
so you're gonna be fine.
Or we could all
give in to our fears
and keep our blood in
our bodies like normal people.
No, Rosa, we are doing
something important here.
We are women, standing up
and supporting each other
and becoming...
New fear: listening
to Amy inspire us.
Be back in
a half hour, Ames.
Wait! Come back!
Come back, I can't do this!
- No, you're the best!
You did it.
How'd it go?
Well, the first ten minutes
were really terrible.
The diaper did not fit.
It was for a baby.
But then I relaxed,
and I found my inner strength.
I think the lesson here is that,
as women, we...
No, no, no, no!
You close that trunk again
and I will kill you!
You hear me?
I will kill you!
We're almost there.
Slow down, Pinto.
I didn't agree to a bean name.
We are not doing
Operation Beans.
You know, the only reason
Hitchcock and I took this case
is because you said
we were great.
I'm beginning to think
you were lying to us.
I was lying!
I already admitted that.
Well, if anything happens,
it's because of you.
- Right, Mung?
- Right.
If Hitchcock dies,
it's 'cause of Pinto.
Terry, I know
that you're mad,
but you don't have
to jump on the bean train.
Uh-oh.
Chickpea!
No!
Looks like they're
taking Hitchcock
inside that building, and it
looks like they're armed.
Dammit, Jake!
You couldn't just do
the case I assigned you?
Hitchcock's life is in danger.
He has a wife, man.
Don't worry.
If anything happens to him,
she'll be taken care of.
If I die, I want you
to marry Lucille.
I can't stand the thought
of you being alone.
Deal. Let's make it
a blood pact.
Oh, look,
I'm already bleeding.
So just
normal friend stuff.
- So what's the plan?
- We stick with Operation Beans.
We knock on the front door.
I say I'm Tex Dallas.
You're my buddy, Alamo,
and you're Black Fred.
Black Fred?
Why Black Fred?
There's no other Fred!
Yeah, but they don't
know that.
I say Terry and I go in
through the roof
and do some recon.
Scully, you stay here and call
for backup in case we need it.
Oh, no way.
That's my partner in there.
I'm going in.
Also, I can't call for help.
I don't have any quarters.
Hard to argue
with that logic.
- You know I...
- Sir, I need to talk to you
about the Weichselbraun case.
Oh, I didn't realize you
were here, Mr. Weichselbraun.
I was in the area,
and the captain is a fan,
so I came by to give him
a little gift, as a thank you.
It's a signed copy
of his book of mouth exercises.
"Reed It and Weep."
"Reed" with two Es?
It's my favorite joke
of all time.
- I'll come back later.
- Oh, nonsense.
I'm sure John...
he insists I call him "John"...
I'm sure John would
appreciate an update
on the whereabouts of his oboe,
wouldn't you, John?
- Yeah.
- Well said, John.
- Did you hear what John said?
- I did,
but it's an open
investigation,
and I don't think it's proper
to share information
with the parties involved.
Well, that's why you're
no longer the primary.
John played oboe for
Lynne Cheney.
I'm sure we can
trust him to be discreet.
Out with it.
Okay, well,
John, you're under arrest.
- What?
- Excuse me?
He staged the robbery
for the insurance money
because he's broke, because
oboists are not celebrities.
This is ludicrous, Boyle.
Do you have one iota
of evidence?
I found the oboe
for sale online.
We traced the IP address back to
Mr. Weichselbraun's computer.
Oh, John.
Okay, Sarge, everyone
knows you're a superhero,
so you lower Scully and I
into that skylight
and then fly down
to meet us.
- You know that's impossible.
- Fine.
We'll lower Scully
down together,
and then flop onto him
like a giant mattress.
No, you go first,
then I lower Scully,
and you...
you get to catch him.
Great.
I love that plan.
Come on.
Whoa!
I got him.
- Look what I found.
- French fries?
What?
No, it's Hitchcock.
Where would I have found
French fries in a weed farm?
Oh, man, look at him.
This is bad.
He hates standing up.
To conquer my fear
of businessmen,
I must walk among them.
I will shake
their clammy hands
and listen to them talk
about things like
how hard Wednesdays can be.
Does this outfit look
drab and lifeless enough?
Also, thanks, Amy,
for letting me borrow it.
You're welcome.
I wore that suit to prom.
Student chaperone.
I guess this
is really happening.
How about those
quarterly write-offs?
And did you hear
about the merger?
Also, we all need to go in
on those flowers for Beth.
Aw, Wednesdays.
Who are you again?
Gina, from Sales.
I have the plant on my desk.
Oh, yeah.
You want to sit with us.
We'll all be
dead so soon.
What?
I would love to sit.
Ugh.
That was a nightmare.
I ate a Caesar salad wrap.
I'm so proud of you,
you lioness.
You faced your fear.
And I emerged victorious.
Yay!
That was a wig?
You didn't think I'd put
my actual hair in a ponytail?
Are you insane?
Oh, there's the boss.
I ask only one time.
Who do you work for?
DEA? FBI? Police?
I'm in the cowboy mafia.
I work for the Dallas
Buyers Club.
- I came up with that name.
- No, you didn't.
It's a movie about AIDS.
You're lying.
Let's try again.
- FBI?
- Oof!
- DEA?
- Police?
- Aah!
Oh no,
he's not gonna last.
Oh, Jake, you got
to do something.
I don't want to
marry Hitchcock's wife.
Here we come, Chickpea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Easy!
Howdy there!
I'd really appreciate it
kindly
if y'all would stop punching
my associate Reno, there.
Let me introduce myself.
My name is Alamo.
This here's Tex,
and this is...
Fred.
Just Fred.
And we are...
the Dallas Buyers Club.
Okay.
We make a deal.
Sounds good.
No, I just told them
to surround you.
Dagnabbit.
Oof!
Look, Sarge, I'm sorry
that we're in this mess,
but on the bright side,
we don't have to deal
with some lame oboist.
You should be apologizing
to Hitchcock and Scully.
You took them out of their
house mouse comfort zone,
and now they might get killed.
You really think
they're going to kill us?
Oh, no, now I'm starting
to panic sweat.
Starting to?
What have you been doing
for the past hour?
- Normal sweating.
- Wait a minute.
If you get killed,
what happens to all your debt?
Loophole!
Oh, you sweaty,
chair-spinning morons.
You're gonna get us
out of here.
Boyle, may I speak to you?
I don't know.
Are you still mad
that I arrested John?
No.
I know he's guilty.
I'm just chagrined.
Deeply chagrined.
I finally understand the old
adage, "Never meet your heroes."
This is just like when I found
out Robert Frost was from...
California.
Or when I saw Mario Batali
with his hair down.
Well, you've handled this case
with the utmost professionalism,
while I've behaved crassly.
I think I've figured out
a way to make it up to you.
Oh, my God,
is Dianne Wiest here?
No, I've hired a trio
of classical musicians
to perform
a Shostakovich cantata,
originally written as
an apology to a dear friend.
Are you stealing
kitchen supplies?
Just let us
have this stuff.
You have so much,
and we have so little.
Perhaps I'll just
buy you a drink instead.
Yeah, that would be best.
Classical musicians
are savages.
They're not gonna
kill you fast, Scully.
They're gonna
make it real slow.
First they're gonna scalp you,
and then they're gonna
rip your tongue out!
No.
That's my cupcake taster!
What are you doing?
Lay off him!
Never! For my plan to work,
he's gotta be basting in sweat.
Hitchcock, you once told me you
could roll that chair anywhere.
Think you could take it
up those stairs?
I once rode a chair home
in a blizzard.
So, yeah, I can go up stairs.
So do it.
Oh, he's amazing.
He's like a big, lazy
Michelle Kwan.
But how's he gonna get
up the stairs?
Jake!
He already did.
Okay, it's go time.
Help!
My man's having a heart attack!
Help!
Hitchcock, now!
Scully!
Grab his gun.
It's not sticky
because I'm so juicy!
Told you I knew
what I was doing.
Black Fred, think quick.
No, no, ow!
That was a gun, man!
Scully, grab that dude's knife
and cut us loose.
We're gonna get the rest
of these guys.
It's time for Operation Beans,
phase two, the refrying.
Sure you're ready to go
through with this?
You know what?
Today was stupid.
But seeing you both overcome
your fears did help me,
and I think we've
all grown as women.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Stab me! Stab me!
Do it, just do it!
- Rosa?
- I'm psyching myself up.
Don't look at them!
Look at me!
Do your job!
Drain me!
There they are!
Everybody give it up
for Hitchcock and Scully.
To thank you
for all you did,
bringing down a drug ring,
we have a little present
for you:
brand-new, top-of-the-line
desk chairs,
extra padding, with adjustable
height and recline.
Hey, chair!
Get ready to meet
your new best friend:
my ass.
That was very nice of you.
They did good.
Also, I was worried
they might want
to go out in the field more,
and I need something to
keep them at their desks.
You really think that that
is going to keep them at their...
and they're both
asleep already.
And the city's
safer for it.
Sleep tight,
you magnificent oafs.
You deserve it.
Fremulon.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh!