All right everyone,
as you know,
the NYPD intends to shutter
one precinct in Brooklyn.
I'll be evaluating
the Nine-Nine
and sending my findings
to the Deputy Commissioner.
Are there any questions?
Yeah, Veronica, are you
sure you're the best person
for that job, given
our, um, you know...
- Sexual past.
- Thank you, Detective Boyle.
Sergeant Jeffords,
don't be silly.
I won't let the fact that you
and I have a history together
affect the decision
I have to make
in any way whatsoever.
Well that's certainly
good to hear.
I mean, sure, it took me years
of intense therapy to get over
and it's given me
a fear of intimacy
that has affected
every subsequent relationship,
but there's no reason
I can't remain unbiased.
The way you just said that
makes it seem
like you actually are biased.
I have no idea what you mean.
That is all.
Okay, the plan is clear.
Sarge, you divorce Sharon,
abandon your children,
get back together
with that monster.
- The precinct is saved.
- I'm not leaving my family.
Come on!
You didn't even consider it!
Why... won't...
you print?
Ah, screw this.
No, no, no, no!
Not again!
What is going on here?
Stupid printer won't print out
my stupid resume
which means I can't send it
to any decent stupid precincts
when this stupid place
shuts down.
That's not gonna happen.
Why are you being
such a Gloomy Gus?
- I'm a Realistic Randy.
- Didn't go with Rosa, huh?
Ugh, I'm gonna have to meet
a whole new group of people.
I hate people.
Life sucks.
Nothing good ever happens.
That's not true.
Come on!
What does Captain Holt
always tell us?
Be a good cop, do your job,
things'll work out.
Yep, just this morning,
I found this old bag
on the street
and it has a cupcake inside.
See?
Scully found a garbage cake.
And I found us...
a dream case.
Involving one
Ms. Cassie Sinclair.
- From Serve & Protect?
- Yeah.
- That is my favorite cop show.
- Yeah.
Apparently her laptop was stolen
and it had...
"sensitive materials" on it.
You know what that's code for...
- Bank account numbers.
- Nudies!
One or the other...
I'm not a pervert.
The point is, Gloomy Gus,
- not everything is terrible.
- Maybe you're right.
Maybe life isn't
a miserable, unending,
- maggot-filled pile of crap.
- Yeah, there you go.
Let's go find some nudies
or bank account numbers...
both would be helpful.
Guys, we gotta do something
about Veronica.
She's really out to get us.
We just need to find out
what horrible thing Terry did
to this woman so he can
apologize and make it right.
I've been wracking my brain.
I can't think of anything.
- Did you cheat on her?
- No! I would never do that.
Did you date
one of her friends
- right after you broke up?
- Uh-uh.
I cut off ties with
all our mutual friends.
Even Tommy.
Terry loved Tommy!
Tommy turned Terry on to tennis.
Well, you did
something to her.
We'll just have to get Veronica
to tell us what it was.
It's time for
a little girl talk.
You really think
you can handle girl talk?
Relax. I got this.
Hey Veronica.
It's time for some girl talk.
Let me see that bra!
Excuse me?
Didn't work.
What else we got?
Hey! Huh?
- Whoa, this is dope.
- Dope it right.
- Welcome to the dream factory.
- Hey, man.
We gotta be cool, all right?
I know you have some fantasy
about being a movie star.
I don't fantasize
about being a movie star.
I fantasize about meeting one.
And being invited to a party
at George Clooney's villa,
where he pranks me and then
we prank Matt Damon together
and then Damon's like
"Peralta, you got the goods.
You're gonna be the star
of my next movie."
Wait, maybe I do
want to be a movie star.
- Heads up. Here she comes.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Ms. Sinclair.
I'm Detective Diaz.
This is Detective Peralta.
Oh, I like the way
you wear your badge.
- Can I steal that?
- Absolutely.
Oh, hey, here's another little
nugget for you, if you'd like.
Thanks
for coming down to the precinct.
Oh, and one more thing...
I'm a cop.
Wouldn't the person
already know that
- if they were at the precinct?
- No, it works.
- So you had your laptop stolen?
- Yeah, last night.
Someone broke into my trailer,
jimmied the lock.
I found out this morning
from the second A.D.
Ah, A.D.,
Announcing Department.
- Assistant Director.
- Oh, that's even better.
Hey, hi, Cassie, who's this?
Well, this is Peralta
and Diaz, from the NYPD:
- They're here about the laptop.
- Oh.
I didn't think you were gonna
involve the cops in this,
but well, that's okay,
here they are.
I'm Gary Lurmax.
I'm the Executive Producer.
Your name comes up at the end
of every episode
with that parrot that says:
"Talk to my lawyer!"
Well, that's actually Walter,
my pet African grey.
Ah, so cool.
Anyways, we're real cops.
Should we look
at the crime scene?
Captain, can we talk?
Boyle, you know my feelings
about bathroom conversations.
Steadfastly against.
I know; I just don't want
Veronica to overhear.
I know what she's going through.
I've been broken up with
six times.
Really? Only six?
Yep. Oh wait.
Does it count
if they end the relationship
but still want to be friends?
- Yes.
- Oh, then 210.
My point is, I'm worried
that Veronica
will never forgive Terry.
Is there anyone above her
that you can appeal to?
She reports
to Deputy Commissioner Grayson.
I've already tried
to set up a meeting with him.
He's on vacation
with his family in the Poconos.
Okay, so maybe we find out
where he's staying
and just happen to run into him
and accidentally strike up
a little convo
about the Nine-Nine.
That seems rather underhanded.
Desperate times call for
Desperate Housewives.
- What?
- Measures. I said measures.
Frankly, sir,
I know it's not protocol,
but we don't have
any other option.
Yes. Good point.
It's not protocol.
But it just might work.
You know, Boyle,
you're a bad influence on me.
I've never been
a bad influence on anyone!
Should I bring
my leather jacket?
It's ankle-length and fitted.
I won't bring it;
it's too nice.
Well, I always keep my laptop
in this bag,
but this morning, it was gone.
Nine times out of ten, in a
case like this, it's a stalker.
Whoever jimmied the lock didn't
know what they were doing.
I concur.
This was a real hack job.
Hi, Mark Devereaux.
He plays Detective
Cole Tracker on the show.
Yeah, he does.
And if I know Cole Tracker,
the next thing
you're going to say is...
So what's it gonna be:
rock, paper, scissors...
or gun?
You watch the show.
I like that.
So get me up to speed.
Who's been in here
since the incident?
- What's he doing?
- Ohh.
I think he must be one
of those actors who has to
stay in character all the time.
I heard Dustin Hoffman did this
on the set of Tootsie
- and everyone hated it.
- On, no.
He just thinks he's a detective
because he's been playing one
for 15 years.
- I can hear you.
- Ah, look at that time.
They need you on set, Cassie.
I'll walk you over.
Ooh, has anyone noticed
this crumb?
Might wanna bag that.
Send it to the boys at the lab.
Well, what have we here?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't touch that.
Isn't this the case
the laptop was in?
Yes, but in real life,
when we handle evidence,
we gotta wear gloves.
I never wear gloves
on the show.
Fans love to see my fingers.
Almost as much as they love
seeing my feet.
Google it.
- Nah.
Check it out.
Devereaux gave me his card
and said, "Call me if you can
think of anything else."
Just like on the show!
Does he know
we're the real cops?
- I don't think so.
- Hey, guys.
You know, you two have
a really compelling dynamic.
Would you ever consider being
Consulting Producers
- for the show?
- Absolutely!
- What does that mean?
- Well, we pay you to come in
in your off hours,
talk to the writers,
tell them your stories,
lend the show
a little authenticity.
Wow, I can't believe I've been
talking to people for free
all these years like an idiot!
Great. I'll run it
by the studio.
He's gonna run it
by the studio, Rosa.
I told you, if we're good cops,
you do your job,
things will work out
and they do.
I don't know, man.
Something's weird.
I think the job offer is bogus.
He's trying to buy us off.
Look, I don't know about you,
but I can't be bought off.
And it's gonna take a hell of
a lot more than some job offer
to make me compromise
the integrity of the badge.
Hey, Jake, catering send over
some chicken fingers.
Oh!
What is wrong with you?
We're working a case we'll
definitely gonna solve,
we're hanging out
with cool people,
Don't ruin this with
all your Rosa-ness.
Think about it.
That producer guy
didn't want us here at all.
And then after watching us work
for, like, two seconds,
he offers us a job?
It doesn't make sense.
That's just how
show biz works, you rube!
Listen to yourself.
You're letting all of this
cloud your judgment.
I love clouds; they keep
the sun away on hot days.
He doesn't want us
to solve this crime,
so he's buying us off.
It's shady.
I love the shade; it keeps
the sun away on hot days.
Besides, he's a rich guy...
what's his motive
for stealing a laptop?
Leverage. He and Cassie have
been fighting over her contract.
- It's been all over the news.
- The trades.
They call them
"the trades" here.
We read those in our trailers
after we wrap
and before we go home.
Fun fact: stars use the word
"home" too.
- They're just like us.
- That job offer wasn't real.
- None of this is real.
- Yes, it is!
All right?
I know Hollywood
and I know what's real!
For example, this door is fake.
Not a real door.
It's a "doorn't."
As in "doorn't open this."
And doorn't ruin
my dreams!
Okay, Sarge, we just want
to walk through your breakup
step by step.
That doesn't mean we think
you did anything wrong.
Start talking, butthead!
I didn't do anything!
I respect women. I'm a feminist.
I believe women should be
on all the money.
I wanna pay for a sandwich
with a $10 Ellen DeGeneres.
Maybe you hurt Veronica's
feelings without meaning to?
Nope. I planned the
perfect breakup.
We got dinner
at a mid-range restaurant...
nice enough to show I care,
but not so nice she thought
a proposal was coming.
I even got her
a classy breakup present,
plus a gift receipt, in case
she wanted to exchange it.
And I said just the right words.
You deserve the world.
You deserve someone
that can make you happy
and it is the greatest
displeasure of my life
that I cannot be that man.
Thank you, Terrence.
I'm not saying you're lying,
Mr. Jeffers,
but if that's how things
went down,
why is Veronica so angry,
you stupid liar?
- I don't know!
- You don't know.
Well, we could stay here
all night
until your story starts
making sense.
I want to
figure this out, too,
but I have to go home
eventually.
You think anyone cares
about your damned plans?
I know I don't.
Do you care, Amy?
No, I don't.
Okay, so remember, this is
Deputy Commissioner Grayson
and his smoking hot wife.
You'll recognize her
because she looks
like an older Patti LuPone.
And you're sure this is
the floor they're staying on?
Yes, I called his secretary
and pretended to be his mother.
Or, should I say,
"The Lady Grayson."
- Very sly.
- It's a little trick
I picked up from
the original bad boy...
a Mr. Bugs Bunny.
Commissioner Grayson,
is that you?
I'm sorry, do I know you?
Raymond Holt.
Captain of the Nine-Nine.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm on vacation. You?
- Vacation.
While we're on
the subject of things...
are you by any chance
in charge
of the Brooklyn
precinct contraction?
I don't want
to talk about that.
If you have an issue,
bring it up with your auditor.
- Well our auditor is actually...
- Listen, fellas.
If you think you're helping your
precinct's cause, you're not.
Hey, sexy.
You ready to go?
Oh, that's my goddaughter.
What?
So Grayson's a philanderer.
What's that gotta do
with the price of onions?
I don't know, sir.
This could be an opportunity.
I mean, WWBD: right?
What Would Bugs Do?
Good question.
What would Bugs do?
Bugs would blackmail Grayson.
Then I, sir, am no Bugs.
I won't break the law.
I'm not saying blackmail him
blackmail him.
We just insinuate
that we know what's going on
and let him fill in the blanks.
Oh, so it's like...
he blackmails himself?
Uh-huh, you just go up
to him and say,
"Commissioner Grayson,
how's your... wife?"
Commissioner Grayson,
how's your wife?
No, that just sounds like you
really wanna know how she is.
Insinuate... maybe add a pause
before "wife."
Commissioner Grayson,
how's your...
wife?
- Too long.
- Fouled hit.
- Ugh, this is not my
strong suit.
- No, no, sir, sir, sir.
You're doing great.
Just forget the pause.
Use your eyebrows...
like this.
How's your...
"pump, pump, pump" wife.
How's your...
pump, pump, pump wife.
Eh, it was a little bit better
in my head.
Try this. How's your...
"pump" wife "pump, pump."
End on a double pump?
That's risky.
He'll see right through me.
How about...
"Pump, pump"
how's your... "pump"?
- You forgot to say wife.
- Ah, good note.
How 'bout this?
How's your... "pump" wife
"pump" Grayson "pump"?
That's the one.
I really don't think anyone
in the crew would've done it.
We're like a family.
Yes, and as someone who's
about to marry into that family,
so to speak, I tend
to agree with you, Sarah.
It seems highly unlikely
anyone from the crew
or producers would be involved.
Hey, Sarah,
what's the status
on the toilet seat heater
for my trailer?
It's day four of cold
butt cheeks going on over here.
I'm sorry, but this
is official police business.
Putting the screws to her?
I got this.
Sarah. You're a P.A.
What do you make a year?
Two, three hundred
thousand dollars?
30.
30 hundred thousand dollars
a year?
- 30 thousand.
- Oh. Ooh.
And yet Cassie Sinclair
pulls down millions
sitting on her butt
while you bust your hump
running her errands.
I bet that makes you angry,
angry enough
to steal her laptop?
My gut says yes.
- Okay, that's enough.
- You're right.
She's not gonna talk.
Sometimes I wonder
why I do this job.
You don't.
Okay, what about the
Executive Producer, Gary Lurmax?
Do you know where he was
on the night of the robbery?
He's normally in his office
after wrap.
Although, last night he did
ask me to tell him
when Cassie left her trailer.
Hm, interesting.
Or completely useless.
No way to know for sure.
Sarah, one more question.
Those donuts, are they...
- They're all free.
- Okay, great.
Yeah, I wanted to make sure
Cassie was out of her trailer
because we were running behind,
and we needed
to make our day.
Is that normally
an Executive Producer's job?
Well, I'm trying
to be more hands on...
- network pressure, overages.
- Overages, sure.
I get those on my cell phone.
You know, it's been great
watching you work.
Could I introduce you
to the writers?
It'd just take
a couple of minutes, tops.
They're very awkward.
They can't talk
much longer than that.
Lead the way, hombre.
Hey, if you name
a character after me,
- that could be his catch phrase.
- I love that.
- Thank you, Gare Bear.
- I'll go grab 'em.
- Great.
- Hey, man.
Focus up.
We have a case to work.
That's why we gotta
meet the writers.
I mean, one of them
probably did it.
You heard Gary...
they're awkward.
They're probably
all perverts.
Jake, wake up.
You're being manipulated
by our prime suspect.
He's not our prime suspect,
all right?
He's subprime at best.
Subprime mortgage
crisis reference.
The point is,
you just have to
think the worst of everyone
because that's how you see life.
It's sad.
You're sad
and you're being a bad cop.
All right, I know you're just
trying to hurt my feelings,
but I'm in such a good mood
about all of this
that there's literally
nothing you can say
that'll bring me down.
"Lead the way, hombre"
is a terrible catchphrase.
Nice try trying to hurt
my feelings 'cause you didn't.
Looks like they left
housekeeping one hell of a tip.
A finger tip.
And that's how I would lift up
a bloody finger with my pen.
That is great.
Oh, in this episode,
the perp is a cannibal.
Should I aim
away from his stomach
so I don't taint the evidence?
Yeah, that's definitely
how I take down a cannibal
when I do it.
Right.
What are you doing?
Talking to Cassie
and the writers,
who, b-t-dubs,
all have alibis.
Also, Gary said that the studio
approved us as producers.
I'm having my agent
look over the paperwork.
Okay, fine,
I don't have an agent.
I'm using
my parents' divorce attorney.
He's my uncle.
He was disbarred.
Well, while you were
off in fantasy land,
I solved the case.
Wait a minute, Rosa!
Security camera
across from Cassie's trailer
- caught this yesterday.
- Gare Bear took the laptop?
Come on. No one could've
seen this coming.
Except for you.
You saw it coming, obviously.
Hey there, bud.
We've been going for a while...
you feeling hungry?
Starving, thanks.
Oh, come on!
You get a yogurt
when I get the truth.
Oh God, it's in the grout.
It's gonna smell in
here forever.
I told you,
I did everything right.
I even gave Veronica plenty
of time after her mom's death.
Wait, what does that mean?
I was gonna break up with her,
but then her mom passed,
so, like a gentleman,
I waited.
That way she wouldn't
have to deal with
too much pain all at once.
How long did you wait, Jeffords?
I don't know, a year,
year and a half.
- Sarge!
- Seriously?
What? I was being considerate.
Believe me, she had her fun
for those 18 months.
- Terry puts out.
- All right.
Also, there's no way
she even knows I waited.
The gift you bought her,
did you buy it
when you first wanted
to break up with her
or when you finally did it?
The first time!
But why would that matter...
the gift receipt.
They all break eventually.
Get him out of my sight.
Ah, Commissioner Grayson.
Captain Holt, I told you,
I'm not going to get involved.
I know.
I just wanted to say...
to you...
What's wrong with your face?
Do I need to call a doctor?
No, I'm clearly trying
to communicate...
Captain! There you are.
- We have an... emergency.
- I'm taking care of it.
Okay, I don't know
what this is.
But I'm going to leave.
Why did you stop me?
- I was making progress.
- I know, sir.
But I have to say something.
I love the Nine-Nine.
And the main reason why is you.
Not Jake.
Yes, clearly,
it's mostly Jake.
But it's also you
and the standard that you've set
for us with
your unwavering morals.
I'd rather we split up
than stay together
and compromise who we are.
Well, thank you, Boyle.
You're right.
No matter what happens,
we'll feel better knowing
we didn't resort to blackmail.
I agree.
From now on,
the only black male I want
anything to do with is you.
That was incredibly
inappropriate.
I know, but
I had thought of it
and I was so proud,
I just had to say it out loud.
- Let's just go.
- Great.
What's going on?
You can't just come in here.
- We have a warrant.
- Boom!
And that's a real one,
not a prop.
Or have you forgotten
the difference?
- Even when it comes to people?
- What?
"People" is me.
You used me like a prop.
I thought it was pretty clear.
Rosa got it.
- Nope.
- Detectives, you don't know
what you're talking about.
- Found it.
- Oh, look at that.
Security cam caught you
breaking into Cassie's trailer
and walking off
with this backpack.
You know what, you Hollywood
types make me sick.
- Detective...
- For the record,
your show stinks.
I've watched over 200 episode
of it and I've never liked one.
- Open the bag, Detective.
- Happy to.
I can't wait to see
the look on your face
when I pull out Cassie's compu...
just a bunch of pills.
Cassie has
a painkiller problem.
The show tries
to protect her from herself.
That's why I was surprised
she called the cops,
but thanks for busting in here
and telling me
how much you hate my show.
And scene.
That was a great example
of a cop making a mistake.
That's the kind of thing
we can go over more
when I come in on Monday
for my first day of work.
No, you can forget
about the job.
But you're still gonna name
a character after me?
Well, I think
we figured out her size:
34 Double Dead.
- You all right, man?
- No.
Could have been Detective
Peralta saying that perfect pun.
I'm sorry the consulting job
didn't work out.
Do you wanna head back
and do some more interviews?
What's the point?
You were right.
Everything sucks.
We're never gonna solve
the case,
I'll never work
in show business,
and I'll never drink
another smoothie.
Now you're getting it.
Everything is awful.
Our precinct is getting
shut down
and we're never gonna
work together again.
I'll end up living in a car
with a dog I can't feed
playing sad songs on a harmonica
I can't afford.
Never gonna
see each other again.
The harmonica will get
repossessed, I'll be all alone
with my hungry dog
and harmonica-less silence.
And we won't be friends
anymore.
Wait, what?
You don't actually think that
we won't be friends anymore
if the precinct gets shut down?
Rosa, we will never
not be friends.
Thanks, man.
- Get your hand off me.
- Yep.
Forgot the Rosa rule.
No touchy.
Oh, my God.
I just solved the case.
Season 8, episode 16, in which
Detective Cole Tracker
catches
the Brooklyn Bra Butcher.
While wearing gloves.
But Detective Peralta,
I thought Mark said
his character never wears gloves
on the show.
Oh, now that you mention it,
that does ring a bell.
- That's my move.
- Oh, I'm aware.
You told us
you never wore gloves
when you picked up
Cassie's laptop bag.
A double Tracker.
You wanted us
to see you holding the bag
because your prints
were already on it.
From when you stole
the laptop.
Cassie's only been on the show
two years,
but there's already talk
of her getting a spin-off.
You were gonna post
her personal photos
- and humiliate her.
- Ridiculous.
I've never been more
insulted in my life.
Your theory is outrageous.
And what's more,
it's just a theory.
I don't know how cops
around here do things,
but where I come from,
we're burdened
with a little thing
we like to call evidence,
of which you don't have a shred.
We found Cassie's laptop
in the trunk of your car.
I stand correct.
Yeah, you got me.
I did it. Good job.
- Terrence.
- Veronica.
I'm sorry for how I handled
our breakup back in the day.
I was trying to be a good guy,
to be nice.
But sometimes,
to be nice to someone,
it means you have to be
honest with them,
even if it hurts their feelings.
Thank you for saying that.
Now you don't have to
forgive me,
but could you please at least
give the precinct a shot?
- I would love to do that.
- Thank you so much!
Except I've already
turned in my report.
Was it... positive?
No.
It was real bad.
I made this saddle
out of your sister.
And now I'm going to put it
on your back.
And your sister and I are
gonna trot you
all around the apartment.
What's wrong with you?
I'm Jake Peralta, the grossest
pervert of all time.
Hi-ya! NYPD!
You're under arrest,
you unbelievable creep!
You'll never take me alive!
Rot in hell, Jake Peralta.
They used my name!
Fremulon.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.