Whoa, this has gotta stop.
- Yeah, no, no, no.
- What? - Phoebe!
Keep Peppy back there.
Berlin, you stay here with Peppy, darling, I'll be right back.
Are those dog treats?
No, they're not.
They're... mine.
Don't eat it.
This is harassment now, guys.
I'm gonna have to call the cops.
Oh, come on, mate. He's our dog.
Not anymore he's not, mate. Wake up.
What is wrong with you?
Sorry, this is harassment now.
Yeah, I just told 'em.
- We're calling the police. - Yeah, no, I told them all this.
- I didn't hear that, did I? - Just don't...
Can you please just give him back? We really...
- We made a mistake. - Please.
No, sorry. You gave him to us two weeks ago.
You can't just have him back.
We changed our minds an hour later.
Yeah, one hour or one minute, doesn't matter, mate.
- Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's the law, is it, mate?
Yeah, the law.
Pretty big part of society, mate. Look it up.
Well, maybe I'll look you up at the same time.
- Maybe I'll look you up as well, you...
- Yeah?
- I'll look you up! Big time, mate! - Okay.
Peppy is happy.
- He is a part of our family. - I'm sorry,
but Peppy is the lamest name for a dog I've ever fuckin' heard.
Well, you really shouldn't say "sorry" and then follow it up with an insult.
Well, no, I guess I'm saying I feel sorry for you...
Oh, you don't have to feel sorry for me
because you are stalking families in playgrounds.
We're not stalking you. This is a fuckin' public place.
- It's a free country. - You're a joke. You're a joke.
Would you stop? Why don't you grow up and have a baby?
- I don't want a baby. - Ladies!
- Look at you! - What is that supposed to mean?
No, no, no, no, no... arguing
on such a beautiful day as this.
No. You must smile.
And you gentlemen, that's your job.
Do not let these ladies frown like this, right?
- Ugh... - Enjoy this moment and every moment.
Blessings!
- Whatever, mate. - Yep. Blessings.
We're not getting anywhere with this.
- Look, how about this, all right? - Yeah.
- Oh my God!
Happy, mate?
I'm so sorry, but as I told you on the phone,
we're very busy here.
- Mm. Did Yvette get the... - Dr Yvette.
Did Dr Yvette get the letter that we sent through?
It just basically says ra-ra-ra, we're the owners, if she could sign...
She's aware of the letter.
- Great.
If she could just sign that...
This isn't Dr Yvette's problem.
You gave the dog away.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
No one talks about the other tenth though, do they?
Actually, if you could just get us a copy of the receipt
for the surgery we paid for...
Oh yeah!
That would be really helpful.
$12,000.
It's probably better than a letter.
We already issued a receipt.
No, I know you did, but I don't have it.
That's a shame.
Not really because you have a record of it here and you can print it for us
It's our policy not to reissue receipts.
- Why? - It's since COVID.
Why?
Which I didn't get.
- Mm, everyone had... probably had it. - Doesn't matter.
- You just didn't know you were sick. - We're getting off-track.
Is this a personal thing because Yvette and I were together at one...
Shh!
Oh, fuck.
There will be no letter.
There will be no receipt.
You know what?
Good.
- I don't care. Fuck this. - Yeah.
Can I just... so sorry.
Are you going on a break soon, or...?
- No. - Have you just been on one?
No.
Why the fuck have you got sunglasses on your head?
You're a psycho.
I mean, do we even need a pet? You know?
It is a bit of a handbrake.
Like, we should just be able to,
you know, fly to Rome at a moment's notice.
- Do you want to go to Rome? - Sure.
I mean, we're not, but...
Yeah, 'cause you don't have any money.
No, I know. I mean, you couldn't get time off anyway.
I could ask for it.
No, that's just an example of what we could do without a dog.
You know what though? Mum. Mum could take him.
No. I don't want to... No.
- What?
- I wouldn't want to leave him with Lee.
They broke up.
And he's not gonna fuck a dog.
Well, we're not going to Rome!
You guys going or... what?
- Oh, ah, no, no, we're not... - Yeah, no, we can head off.
- Well, no, where are we going? - I don't know.
Guys, I'm running late.
Are you? Well, how's that our problem?
- Gordon. - What?
So, are you going or not?
No, mate, we're not going. Read the room!
Oh, okay. Oh, wow.
- Arsehole. Yup. - Move along.
I said you could have...
Well, I said she could have it.
She's an arsehole.
You're an arsehole.
- She's running late.
Again, how is that our problem?
Modern life, man.
Yeah, we have modern life right here.
We're all good though, aren't we?
Yeah.
- I just didn't get the Rome thing. - Oh, forget about Rome.
I've got an idea.
Uh, hello. Is that Matt?
Who is this?
Hi, Matt. It's... it's Gordon Crapp.
Uh, we met a couple of weeks ago about, um, your dog Bandit?
I'm not fuckin' taking him back, mate. I told the kids he died.
That's cool.
Yeah, yeah, it's, ah...
No, we actually felt bad about all that, really, and we...
and we wanted to compensate you a little bit.
What are we talking?
$100?
Okay, so you want to give me $100
and I give you nothing.
Well, you would need to just give us a letter
- stating that you did sell him to us. - Backdate.
And, and backdate it to two weeks ago.
So, you want to give me $100
to perjure myself.
No one said perjure.
- That... that sounds bad. - Yeah.
Well, it is bad, love, because it's illegal.
I'll do it for a thousand.
- Done. - No, no, $500 tops.
And we can give you free beer for...
Listening.
Don't do that. Don't!
a year!
- That's a terrible fuckin' deal.
- Is it?
Huh. Done!
Youse are fuckin' dumb.
Okay, cheers.
We'll text you the details. Thanks, Matt.
Dickheads.
Don't touch that axe again, please.
Wackadoo. Found a park, fuckheads.
Okay, yeah, she is mean.
Yes.
Come on, man, it's time to grow up.
You're not a baby, are you?
No. No.
You're a man.
When I was your age, I had kids, dude.
I had a house.
I had a whole bunch of stuff.
I was a grownup.
Come on, Brett.
It's time to move out.
I believe in you, bud.
All right, what's next?
Happy Bat Mitzvah, Josh.
Hey.
What's up?
My parents got a cameo of Kevin Bacon telling me to move out.
- What? - Can you believe that?
What? Like... like...
Footloose, like, A Few Good Men Kevin Bacon?
They're telling me to move out. They're trying to kick me out.
How much would it have cost to get him?
Exactly!
That could have been like what? Three months' rent for me!
Oh my God!
I'm Two Degrees of Kevin Bacon!
- I think you're missing the point. - No, I'm not.
Kevin Bacon wants you to move out of your house.
Well, yeah.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
- You gonna do it? - No way!
But I can't afford shit.
Why would I go?
'Cause you're in your thirties.
Or forties? I can't tell.
- Thirties, dick. - Yeah.
And it's my home just as much as it is theirs.
- Do you pay rent? - Not the point.
It might be the point. Where's Chiara?
In the cool room.
- Send me that link. - No.
I mean, yeah. It is pretty cool.
Brett, it's Kevin Bacon...
- What...?
- Hey. - What are you doing?
Meh, just on the phone to the...
Were you taking a photo of...?
- No. - Yes, you were.
For my dermatologist.
Are you sexting?
- Sort of. - Okay.
Okay. Do I know the guy?
Not a guy.
- What? - Mm.
Meggles. Oh my God!
Oh my... Who are you?
I don't know. I don't know.
I've got no idea what I'm doing.
She started the tit pic thing.
I mean, is this what the kids are doing?
I mean, I've fed three humans with these things.
I'm stoked that anyone wants to look at them.
Wow.
- This is... - This is good.
Sure.
- Big. - Yeah.
- Oh, and the cool room because... - Because...
- Yep. - Logical.
Just don't tell Brett.
- No. No. - 'Cause...
Yeah, yeah.
Um...
- So, what I was... - What?
- Brett! Brett! - Gordon!
- No, no, no! No, don't! Stop! - Brett! Brett! Brett!
- Check this out. - Stop.
Stop. Huh?
- Nothing. Just saying hi. - What?
- Oh, hi. - Did you want to say anything?
You're a fucking child, Gordon.
- Yeah, your mum is. - What's going on?
I'm sort of...
seeing Meggles.
I'm sorry, I didn't want to tell you.
Why?
Well, I don't know. Because you liked her.
Oh, that's why you wear vests now.
What? I've always worn vests.
No, no, I get it. New identity.
But may I suggest a change of, ah...
flavour. Yeah?
Lipstick lesbian?
- Thanks for that. - Yes.
A little more Portia, a little less Ellen.
Such a cutting-edge reference, Gordon.
No, no, no, they have their types.
I've seen documentaries about this very thing.
Those weren't documentaries, mate.
We're all out of sync.
I mean, this whole "getting Colin back" thing,
it's really... it's taking its toll.
It's okay. You'll get him back and you'll be fine.
Even if we do get him back,
I mean, he's gonna die one day.
Don't.
And then what? I mean, do we need to find another Colin?
Let's just slow down.
Do I even want a boyfriend? You know?
Or do I just...
want a dog?
Okay, that's a fair fucking question.
Buenos dias, senr̃itas.
Thank you so much for deciding to attend.
I know that your time is much more valuable than ours.
Sorry. Sorry, doing this, so.
Now, with your permission, we'll move on to security passes.
Now, apparently, some of you feel it's too much of a hassle
to turn in your security passes once a month to have them reissued.
To turn in your security passes once a month to have them reissued.
Guys.
It's very simple.
On the last day of the month or your last shift, they're in.
- Before you leave the building...
you pay a visit to Peggy.
- Downstairs, ground floor. - Oh my God.
- What? - Head of Security.
Whoa. Really don't think I should be seeing those.
- Hot though, right? - Yeah.
- They're good.
- Not on a Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.
That's... that's Jeannie. Leave Jeannie alone.
- Look at you. - You scan your pass first.
- So simple for you two. - Then you pop it into...
What? She's married with three children.
One hundred going to hell.
Sorry, doctors, am I interrupting your social time?
Oh, kind of.
Kidding.
Sorry, Gene.
I'm not here for my own benefit.
Yeah. Sorry.
You will not take your security passes home and expect an exemption.
- You will not leave them...
- I think I'm really into her.
She's clearly into you. Those nips are rock-hard.
No. No, no, no, no. I've had a gutful of this.
- Sorry, Gene. - Oh, no, no. Sorry.
You two, you clearly don't need to be here,
so why don't you pay a visit to bed seven?
- Your old friend Mango Man is back.
- No, no, not Mango Man. - No, Gene, please.
No, no, no, no, no, no. You had your chance.
Mango Man. Bed seven.
Come on, quick sticks.
Gene, why? Why is he here again?
Why does that keep happening?
He's here because he needs help, Ashley.
This is a hospital.
Yeah, but who actually believes
that he keeps gardening in the nude
and accidentally falling on mangoes
so hard that they get lodged in his arsehole?
Rectum, Ashley.
Really, he needs a social worker, Gene.
Oh, no, what he needs is a digital rectal examination toot sweet.
It's not even mango season.
This is the one.
What do you want to call it?
"Brett Sweat."
Oi! Crapp!
Oh. G'day, Matt. Thanks for coming.
Parking's shithouse.
Uh, should be some around the back.
Uh, it's already fuckin' full.
All right, take a seat.
Hello, mate. Can I help you?
Justin Shelley.
Mr Burston's lawyer in this matter.
"Justin of the Peace."
Google me. Almost four stars on True Local.
Over 30 reviews. 31, hopefully.
Do we really need a lawyer, mate? It's a...
Yes, Gordon.
Sorry, are you listening to something, or...?
Oh, just changing a flight.
Um, so I will need you to sign here,
initial there,
and date, thank you.
Only the green works, by the way.
- Okay.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey. Chiara O'Brien, co-owner. What are we signing?
All good, Chi, I've got this one.
- Um... what, free beer? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's for the...
And that includes unlimited and gratis consumption
of any of the taps and/or bottled ales.
Okay, what are we actually signing?
All good. All good.
Yeah, this is pursuant to all RSA regulations...
- Okay, Gordon, you're not signing this.
- This is good.
- I've got this, Chi.
- No, you're not signing this. Stop that.
- Chiara, this is my business meeting. - No, this is not happening.
- This is good. Fine. - I'm smarter than you. I am co-owner.
No, you're undermining me in front of these men.
- Ow, you're hurting me! - Yeah.
- I'm trying to. - Okay, I'm not doing it.
Okay, I won't do it. I won't do it, guys.
Let's just take a beat here.
Hey, no, that's not enforceable unless I sign.
Fully enforceable.
Signed now.
Uh, and here is the letter.
What is this?
Oh, I've tea-stained it for that authentic backdated look.
No extra cost.
It's meant to be two weeks.
Mate, I'm not putting my name on that.
It looks like a fuckin' treasure map.
Okay, all right, well, I can do one with lemon juice.
- Do you have a microwave? - Oh, Jesus.
Matt, this is meant to just be just a normal, human letter.
All right.
Let me grab a free beer and I'll whip up some options.
No free beer for you, mate. He doesn't get any free beer.
- Appendix A, clause 4. - Huh.
- Oh, so he does get free beer. - Yeah, a bit. A little bit.
I'll have a lager please, babe.
Definitely.
- Just popping out to get that. - Cheers.
Matt, this isn't good enough, mate. Come on.
What do you fuckin' want from me, Gordon?
Thanks for doing this.
Yeah, it'll just take two minutes and you can head off.
Yeah, well, traffic on the bridge
at this time of night's a fuckin' nightmare, so.
- Oh, you're... - Hi.
- No... way! - What?
I fuckin' knew I knew this place.
- No bloody way! - Hey!
How have you been?
I thought you moved up to Terrigal!
Oh, yeah, no, we did,
but Jill's old man's a bit crook, so we've moved back down.
- Oh, shit. - Yeah.
How do you know each other?
Phoebe! Guess who's here?
I put in their pool.
- He put in their pool. - Put the pool in.
- Oh my God! - Oh!
- Wait, what are they doing? - Oh, don't worry about them.
But look at you! You look amazing!
Oh, well, I was nine months pregnant by the time you finished the pool.
Where's the baby?
Hardly a baby anymore.
- She's out walking the dog. - She's walking.
- Yeah, so, about the dog. - Speaking of which...
- Matt, do the thing. - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, what's going on?
- Yes. Go.
Ah, fuck, ah...
- So, your dog... - Yes.
Used to be my dog.
- You're joking. - You're bloody kidding me.
- Now... - Our dog, actually.
- Get in here, I'm gonna get you a beer.
- Are you serious? Oh my God!
- I can't believe this. - Come on.
- No, hang on, no, no, wait. - Wait.
Matt. Matt. If you do this...
We have a deal, mate. If you do this, there's no free beer for you.
These... these are my mates, mate.
Fuck ya free beer. It tastes like piss anyway.
- Hey, how are you? - I just can't believe this!
That was your big move, was it? Bringing him.
Yeah.
Good to see ya. Fuck off.
No, no, no. Come on.
Hey, Angus, Angus, Angus! Come on!
Hey, come on, mate.
That's bullshit!
That is bullshit!
No, calm... well...
Calm down.
- We've got to go. - Fuck it, no, no, no, no.
- Come on, no. No. - Come on. Come on.
He put their pool in.
You know?
Come on.
- Come on.
No, you're better than that. Come on.
- Gordy, don't be a baby. Come on. - Fuck that.
- Okay, fuck that. We're gonna lawyer up.
- Yeah.
- That was bullshit! - It was bullshit.
That's, that's just fuckin' Law of the Jungle shit.
- Like... - Oh my God, it's Colin!
- It's Colin. It's Colin. It's Colin. - Where?
- He's there. Colin. - What?
- Pull over. Pull over, that's him. - What?
Get down, get down. He's with Berlin. He's with Berlin.
That's him. Okay, what do we do?
Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
- Everyone's saying it. - Yeah.
- So? - Rock, paper, scissors.
- For who does it? - Yeah.
- I think it's a two-person job. - Okay.
I think one grabs Col, the other one grabs...
Yeah, I'll do that. You do her.
No! I'm not grabbing a seven-year-old girl!
She's eight!
Mate.
- Get out of the car. - Hang on, let's get a plan...
- Get out of the car. - Let's get a plan.
We don't need a plan. Just go.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. We can't.
Can't do this. We can't do this.
There's too many people.
And she'll probably just tell her parents anyway
and then that's...
- That's a whole 'nother level. - Yeah.
- There goes our boy.
- Oh my...
Fuckin' hell, man!
- Sorry! - It is a footpath!
Shh.
- Dickhead. - I know.
- They, they could go on the road. - I know. I know.
What are you... what are you doing?
No? No.
Well, what are we gonna do with his stuff?
We're not giving up.
Ash, what else can we do?
He brought us together, Gordon. We're not giving up.
Maybe that was his job, you know?
He brought us together. That was his destiny.
Do you believe in that stuff?
Nah.
Oh.
But...
Ashy, we are...
like, you and I are
starting something with or without Collie?
Aren't we?
I mean, I'm not trying to marry you or anything.
God forbid.
We are...
What do the kids say? Dating?
Going out?
- We say "stepping about the town". - Yes.
- Well, we're... we're that, aren't we?
- Yeah.
We are. It's just that Collie was our...
he was our little constant.
- You know? - Mm.
Even with our...
like, our age gap and the different friendship groups
and just where we're at in our lives,
and your knees,
like, he was the thing that we had in common.
Okay, what are you talking about? We got other stuff in common.
Do we? Sure.
I mean, I live here with you,
but what... what is that?
- Boxing bag. - Yes, but is it ornamental?
It didn't used to be, but...
Actually, you know what? Great idea.
Let's get into boxing together.
- Nah, I don't want to. And... - You know what?
You don't want to start on a heavy bag anyway. You want a smaller one.
- A lighter one. - Yeah, I need more lower body...
- That's fine. - Focus anyway.
You know what? Let's scratch boxing.
Boxing? Get rid of it.
What is your favourite kind of music, Gordon?
Probably bubblegrunge.
- What is that? - Or phonk.
Don't mind a bit of phonk.
Phonk, phonk phonk, phonk, Phonk, phonk, phonk
- Don't just say "phonk" over and over.
- I think that's what they do.
But Ash, who gives a shit?
We can figure this stuff out as we go.
But will we? Yeah.
Of course.
Like, maybe this is a good thing, you know?
Without Collie... And look, don't get me wrong.
I'm fuckin' sad about that.
But that's the reality.
But maybe without him, just you and me,
we can just see what we have.
We can just see what we have.
- Where is he? - Hey, whoa.
- Jesus! - Angus, calm down.
Look, just tell us where he is or we're calling the cops.
- Huh? - Wait, wait, wait.
You don't know where he is?
Berlin walked him, he was safe in the backyard,
and now he's gone. We know what's happened.
Ah, well, obviously, you don't because we don't have him.
Oh, hand him the fuck over!
Mate, I think you might have had a little bit to drink, okay?
- Have you?
I've had two fuckin' standard drinks, you goose!
- I'll fuckin'...
- Angus, stop it! Oh, stop it!
- Stop it! - I'm a judo champion!
- This is not... - Oh my God!
- Judo champion! - You're not helping! Stop it!
Gordon.
- Colin! - Peppy!
What is going on?
- That's our dog. - No, no.
Uh, I'm sorry. Who are you?
- I'm his owner. - Mm-hmm.
No, you are no such thing.
I'm this dog's vet, and these people paid for his substantial vet bills.
Uh, they gave him to us.
Right, well, he was found on the street and his chip was scanned.
His chip? Oh, his...
- Fuck, he was chipped! - Chipped.
Yep. We chipped him when you brought him in.
- It's standard practice. - Oh, fuck yeah.
Yeah, and that's ten-tenths of the law.
- This is horseshit! - Ha!
- You know what? I've got a cop, mate. - Oh my...
- I'm gonna call him.
- Excuse me, you will do no such thing.
This is not your dog
and you seem to be a drunk person, actually.
- I've had two standard drinks.
Oh, Angus. Come on.
It's over. Okay?
It's over.
I think Berlin might have left the side gate open.
- Yeah, but... - We'll get another dog.
He's not Peppy.
Can I keep this?
No. No, that's mine.
- Great. Get nothing.
Hey.
How full-on was that...
that jogging guy today?
- Oh! - Oh my God.
- So full-on. - That was terrible.
You think he made it?
Yeah. He's good. Gonna be okay.
Is he?
Nah. Dead.
Oh. Yeah.
Yvette, thank you so much.
I can't even begin to...
I just... thank you!
- You are so welcome. - Hey.
- Hey, you're the boy. - Collie, who's the boy?
I'm just doing my job.
Well... thank you.
I... I'm really...
I'm blown away. Thank you.
Would you mind walking me to my car? I'm just parked up here.
Sure, yeah, of course.
- Uh, I'll be... - Yeah. Take your time.
Hello, baby.
- Good boy!
Aw, I missed you. I missed you.
Aw, hi.
Hey, thanks again for everything.
Oh, it's no problem.
And, and after-hours as well.
I mean, you could have called.
Glad you didn't, but...
It's fine.
And, um...
Hey, I don't know if it was relayed to you,
but your assistant has been very...
I'm pregnant.
Hmm?
I'm pregnant.
It's yours and I'm keeping it.
Huh...
Fuckin'... really?
Really?
Fuck.