Unpopular opinion.
- Go. - Concerned dads of sick kids are hot.
- Wow. - Can I say that?
Uh, look, you can, but only to me.
And it's... it's like a sliding scale, like,
sicker the kid, hotter the dad.
I think we need to get you out of paediatrics, mate.
- Do we? - Yeah.
The mums are cute too, no doubt, but they're a bit more blamey.
Yeah, right. Well, at least I got to see you do a wee for this.
Oh my God, I'm exhausted. Back-to-back doubles.
Oh, can you show me your meat?
Oh, Ashley,
one cannot simply lift one's lid and show one's meat.
But don't worry, she's been marinated.
She's been slow-smoked for seven hours.
She's been blackened coffee Texas crunched.
She's going to be fucking amazing.
Great. I'm starving. I cannot wait.
Um, and by the way, I would come pick you up,
- but I can't leave the brisket. - Oh no, you're in love.
I get it. Um, I'll be there in like 20.
Oh, that is perfect. Everything's coming up Crapp.
It really is. Okay.
- See you soon. - Bye.
Mm!
Ah!
Oh, wow.
- What the fu...
Hello, this is Ashley.
- Leave me a message I'll probab...
Oh, Gene, Gene.
- Hey, Flash. Howdy doody. - Hey. - I didn't know we were carpooling.
- What? - Blake's house.
- Poker night. - Oh, no, man. That's next week.
No, no, you're bringing the chips.
Yeah, I am. Next week. Next Friday.
Oh, you're kidding me.
Sorry, man. I've... I've actually got plans with Ash tonight.
- Does she know that? - Yes. Why?
Well, I told her about the poker night as she was leaving.
As in, it's tonight?
She did look a bit miffed, actually, now that I think about it.
What did she say?
She didn't say anything. You know, Ash, she just made that face.
Fucking hell. Well, she's turned her phone off, Gene.
Well, she's punishing you. See, come on. Grab a beer.
- Meggles! Meggles! Have you seen Ash? - Oh.
Hey, Gordon. Fine, thanks. How are you?
Uh, sorry. Hey, and sorry about dinner the other night.
That was fucked up. We're good after that, yeah?
Oh, after that, sincere apology. Yeah, we're good.
- We're good. - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm just a bit worried about Ash.
She finished, like, over an hour ago, and I don't know where she is.
- Do you have any ideas? - No. Maybe she went for a run.
A run? At night?
Is she not allowed to run after dark?
Yeah, if she wants. She... What... Is she a runner? I mean...
- Yes. - Is she?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Does the St Claire's fun-run every year.
Big bottom, but great stamina.
Okay, I'm busy, so excuse me.
Uh, hang on. Meggles, Meggles, sorry. Do you have any other thoughts?
I have no idea where she is.
Um, oh, she... she could be at James's.
Why would she be at James's?
Because he's having a party tonight, and she was invited.
I wasn't invited.
I spent seven hours today smoking a brisket so we could have dinner,
so why would she suddenly decide to go
to a party at her ex-boyfriend's place?
To a party at her ex-boyfriend's place?
Yeah, that... that is a really tough choice.
But if she wanted to do that, why wouldn't she just tell me that?
Maybe because you're controlling.
I'm not controlling.
Yeah, I gotta... I gotta go, so.
Am I?
Womenfolk.
Come on, Edna.
- Edna? - Dame Edna.
Dame Edna Everage. Beveridge.
Come on, grab a beverage.
Oh, no. What? No, dude.
- Gordon! - Lynelle.
Oh, thank goodness I'm not in my lace teddy.
- Can you imagine? - No.
Um, I'm actually just looking for Ash. She's not here, is she?
Ashley? No.
Oh, are you two okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, we're fine.
We're just... Probably just crossed wires, whatever.
Um, she's probably having a run or something.
Oh, is she exercising again?
- Oh, I mean... - Oh, how wonderful.
Why wouldn't she tell me? Oh, Ashley.
Yeah. Anyway. You... you haven't heard from her tonight, have you?
No, we've had to turn all our devices off
because Lee's had a whoopsie.
I can check my phone.
Come in. Come in. Lee!
Um, we don't need Lee.
No messages from Ash, I'm sorry.
Um, do you...
You have "find my phone" for Ash, though, don't you?
I had to remove her to put Lee's devices on.
It's a ten-device limit.
Lee has ten devices?
No! God, no. Can you imagine?
No, three of those are mine. Lee has seven.
- You rang? - Hi, Lee.
- Oh, fucking hell. Are you all right?
- Permission to leave the doghouse? - Silly.
Ashley's gone walkabout.
- Well, I suppose she was due. - Due for what?
Well, she gets all worked up about a relationship or work or whatever.
- The issue du jour. - Hmm, and she has to blow off steam.
But she always comes back and she's our gorgeous Ashley.
- Always been that way. - Really?
- Have you tried... - Beware ye all
who attempt to solve the riddle
- of the mad woman.
- Have you tried... - There dragons be.
Have you tried James?
I saw on the gram that he's having a party.
- I... - I saw that, too.
- He's her ex-boyfriend. - Mm-hmm.
"Trust is more important than monogamy",
- Savage Garden. - No, it isn't.
Isn't it? Who is it?
- It's not true, Lee. - Okay, where does James live, then?
Oh, I'll take you.
I've got his favourite casserole in the freezer.
Terrific. Well, I'll keep the home fires burning.
No, you're coming, Lee.
Why?
You know why.
You can't make me.
Then I will go upstairs, unplug the modem, and take it with me.
All right, I'll come.
I'll wait in the car.
You haven't asked me about my T-shirt.
Haven't I? I...
Sorry, I'm probably a bit distracted by your missing daughter, Lynelle.
She's not missing.
Oh, look how worried he is, Lee.
- Yeah. - Women do go missing all the time.
So do men.
Right, that's not quite the same thing, though, is it?
It is so.
Sorry, I... yeah, sorry. Um...
Yes, so, what's happening with your T-shirt, Lynelle?
Oh, it's merch for our new charity, WAWAM,
Women Against Women Against Men.
Ah, right. Is that, like, a feminist group or something, is it?
No. No, no, it's Women Against Women Against Men.
- Women Against Women Against Men. - Against Men. Yes.
Right, so it's sort of the opposite of feminism.
I mean, so many men are under siege today.
- Are they? - Yes.
They've been dethroned by women.
I mean, look at Lee.
Subjected to the spells of some young hussy.
And yes, you know, he maybe got a bit confused,
but suddenly he's lost his job, his reputation, everything.
No, no, not reputation. That's still intact.
I mean, what happens to the girl? Nothing.
Sorry, my understanding was that Lee was fired
because he was having an online affair with a student.
No.
- Angel? - Oh my God, it's Lynelle!
- Oh my God! - How are you?
- I haven't seen you in ages! - I know!
- Is James here? - Yeah, come on in, babe.
Lee. Wait in the car.
Are you sure I can't get you a beer, man?
Hey, hey, man. Uh, no, I'm good, man. I'm, um...
Like...
- I'm good, thank you.
Uh, so you have seen Ash or you haven't seen her?
I haven't, but I've had my head on most of the night.
Right, so, I mean did she...?
Okay.
Is she not allowed to be here or...?
Yeah, man, she's allowed to be here, it's just we had dinner plans.
Oh, I think a party trumps a dinner, man.
Right, not in this case, though, man, because, um, I spent seven hours
slow-smoking a three-and-a-half kilo brisket today.
- Well, there's your clue. - What clue's that?
She's vegetarian.
- No, she's not, actually. - She is.
She was for the two years I was with her.
Well, I'm pretty sure she eats meat now.
- How well do you know her? - Quite well.
Quite well, 'cause I'm her boyfriend.
Oh, well, you've got it sorted, then.
Why don't you girls hang out with Ashley anymore?
- We love Ash, but Gordon hates us.
- Why is he even here? - He's looking for her.
He's all worried.
- Oh. - He's sweet, really.
Excuse me, girls.
- Ash?
Hey, man, do you know who that is in the panda suit?
Uh, I think they're just a panda right now.
Yeah, very good, but do you know... do you know who it is? Is it Ash?
I mean, it could be. I don't know.
Do you... Is it a boy or girl?
Honestly, it's... it's a panda.
Dude, if you're gonna be a dick about it,
I'm just gonna have to go and take the head off.
- Don't, Gordon. - Just... Is it Ash?
- Just yes or no, man. - It's a panda.
- Right, fucking hell.
Hey, is it Ash?
Is it?
You could have just told me if you wanted to be here, okay?
And this is now so fucking weird for me.
Okay, you're not fucking Ash.
You know, you're just some fuckwit in a panda suit.
Just take... Fuckin' take the head off. Take the head off.
Take it off. Take it off. Take it the fuck off.
- Sorry. I'm sorry. - Are you okay?
Fuckin' Ryan.
- What the fuck's the matter with you? - Fuckin' Ryan.
You fucking knew that I thought you were Ash. You knew that.
Why don't you just fuck off, you old pervert?
Nobody wants you here.
You can probably head off, hey?
Dude, yeah. As if I fucking want to be here.
This is, I've done this shit, all right?
I've already done all these parties, all right?
And ours was so much better.
Fucking animal porn? Spare me.
We watched real porn.
Cool, bro.
Yeah, it was.
- Is that your jacket? - Yes.
- Height? - Um, five foot.
- Uh... - We use metrics, sir.
- Oh, really? Um...
Okay, she's a hundred and...
- Who uses metric? - We do.
Okay, a hundred and...
She's like there?
- We'll say 165. - Okay.
- Hair? - Yes, she has.
Uh, blonde.
Oh no, but not, um, super blonde.
She's like... she's like, sometimes she pulls strawberry.
- We'll put blonde. - Uh-huh.
Eye colour?
- Blue. Green. - Well, which?
Green.
Greeny... is there a greenyblue?
- How well do you know this woman? - How well?
You don't know?
Yeah. I'm... Yeah, I'm her boyfriend.
I just... Although, I only met her a couple of months ago, so...
- Right. - No, no, no, no. Don't.
It's not, I'm not like a suspect or anything.
Suspect? Are you reporting a crime?
No, no. I just know that police...
And, you know, when you see true crime podcasts, it's like,
"Oh, look at the boyfriend. He's the one who did it".
- Did what? - Nothing. Nothing's happened.
I hope.
Is there something you want to tell me, sir?
No, absolutely not.
My girlfriend was due home several hours ago
because I was cooking her dinner on my Big Green Egg.
- Have you got a Big Green Egg? - Yeah.
- Really? No way. - Yes.
- I... - I'm an... I'm an EGGhead myself.
- Oh, wow. - What size did you go with?
- Large. - Yeah, see, I was going to get that,
but then the guy told me that the XL is also called the No Regrets model.
- Oh, okay. - He wasn't wrong.
- What were you cooking? - Um, brisket.
Dry rub?
No, no. It was... it was blackened Texas coffee crunch.
- Lovely. That is lovely. - Oh, yeah.
You know, it was... you know, it was marinated in slow smoke.
- It's three-and-a-half kilo brisket. - Let me ask you this.
Do you spritz?
- I have done. - With what? Apple cider vinegar?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, see, I'm... I'm not a spritz guy.
- I never got into it. - Oh, well, there you go.
- Horses for courses. - Hmm.
- And do we have the details on her? - Yes, absolutely.
See, I'll make a note of that.
- Okay. - That, that is a detail.
She was expecting a three, was it three-and-a-half kilo?
- That's right. But her details were...
- Absolutely.
I've got your number, so as soon as I hear anything,
- you'll be the first to know about it.
- She's in the system.
- That was a Texas crunch? - Yes.
- Okay, thanks. - Good luck with the brisket.
- Fuck ya!
No. Fuck it.
- Your hickory chips are fine.
But what you want to do is get your apple smoke chips.
- You wet them. - Mm-hmm.
And then you're gonna want to wrap them...
in Alfoil.
And the thing is,
they'll actually just smoke and smoke and you can reuse them.
Right.
But if you are gonna reuse them...
Sorry, is this going to take much longer or...?
- Oh, we're in a hurry, are we? - No, I'm sorry.
It's just really late and I'm just... Yeah, just about...
- No. No problem.
Do you want to pop the boot for me, please, sir?
Oh.
- Uh, do we... Really? - Pop it.
Yeah.
- Ash, you here?
- Oh, Collie.
- Hello, boy.
- Hello, boy. Oh.
I don't know, mate. I don't know where she is.
Have you seen her? Have you seen her, boy?
Um, and by the way, I would come pick you up
but I can't leave the brisket.
Oh, no. You're in love. I get it.
Um, I'll be there in like 20.
That's perfect. Everything's coming up Crapp.
It really is. Okay.
- See you soon. - Bye.
Oh, see you tomorrow, Gene.
Big night tonight with Gordon.
Uh, yeah, I guess so.
I believe he's providing the chips.
Uh, I'm not sure.
Well, he told me he was. He's not a liar.
Oh, well, if that's what he told you, then cool, cool.
Chippies!
Yep.
Good night.
- This train will stop
at Redfern, Sydenham, Tempe,
Wolli Creek, Arncliffe, Rockdale, Kogarah, and all stations...
Oh no.
Oh, fuck.
Oh no.
This is the last stop. Waterfall.
All passengers, please depart the train.
- Oh no. - This is Waterfall.
Oh, hello.
Oh my...
Thank you, Telstra.
Thank you, God.
Okay.
All right. 04163.
Ah, come on. 04163...
04163. Ah, fuck it!
My mother's number is 04163.
- What do you want?
Lee?
This is my partner's number. I told you not to call.
Um.
You've reached Lynelle Steinhart.
- No! - please leave a message.
Hey.
- Hey.
Do you girls know where the nearest police station is?
Just because all my stuff was stolen on the train.
- There isn't one. - Oh, what?
Yeah, this place is so shit, hey?
I think there's one in, like, Helensburgh.
I don't have a car.
- Oh, yeah. - Damn.
- This place is so shit. Sorry. - Yeah.
Hey, where are you girls going?
Just in the city.
Come on, Jo.
Do you... do you mind if I ride with you?
I won't talk, I promise. I mean, I've just...
- I've got nothing. - Um, s... sorry, I don't think that
- that's right. I mean... - Okay, how about... how about, um...
one of you orders me an Uber with the other phone
and then I'll get all of your details and I will so pay you back
as soon as I get home.
- Um... - I'm asking for help.
- Well, um... - No?
Our mum said that we're not supposed to help...
anybody.
- Sorry. - What?
That's what your mum said?
Women should help each other. Where are you going?
Oi, wait, wait!
Okay, if this is what your generation's like, we're all fucked.
Oh, laugh at me.
We are fucked!
- Hello.
- Is your, uh, kitchen still open?
Is the kitchen still open?
Will she eat much?
She's small, but she looks hungry.
Oh, fuck, all right, but make it quick.
Yes, please follow me.
Oh, thank you, you're so nice.
- Are you finished?
- Do you want to pay the bill? - Ah...
well... actually...
I do, but, um, dessert.
The kitchen is closed.
Oh, well, you didn't say.
That changes things, doesn't it?
Doesn't it?
- Miss? - Yeah.
- That works.
Miss?
Sorry.
Fuck you, you fucking entitled white bitch!
I'll pay you back!
Fuck you!
You okay, love?
- Hey? - Are you okay?
Oh, um...
Not really.
All my stuff was stolen, and, um...
I'm a bit... I'm a bit lost, if I'm honest.
Oh, we'll... we'll get in. I'll give you a lift.
- Are you sure? - Of course.
- Thank you so much. - Oh.
We have just become so reliant on those little rectangles, haven't we?
Totally. I've... I've been completely lost.
It's a real wake-up call.
Gosh, walking by yourself at night.
You know, I'm just glad that I got to you
before any of the men did around here, because...
they can be really bad.
Yeah, well, yeah.
You remind me of my daughter.
Well, I'm... I'm just really glad
that you could give me a lift, Wendy, so thank you.
Oh, not at all.
It gets pretty lonely out here at night, don't you think?
Oh, don't worry about her.
She's in the terrible twos.
She needs me to drive around and around.
So, where are we going?
Oh, I've just got to make a quick stop at home.
I thought we were going into the city, Wendy.
No, no, no, no, we are, but I've just got to do something
very quickly at home.
Oh, you know what? This'll do, actually. I'm good here.
- You can just... - Do you know what? Oh, look,
home sweet home.
- Okay.
Okay. This is it.
- Take a seat. - Ah.
- I'm actually a bit allergic to cats.
Oh, well, I'll just be a sec, but sit down.
It's... it's better.
No.
All done.
Sorry?
Yeah, I'll call you a cab.
Oh.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Thanks so much.
Miss, uh, we're here. Wake up, please.
- Miss, we're here. - Huh?
Oh, thank God.
- Oh my God. - Is that contagious?
What?
Your face. It's a little bit.
Huh?
Oh.
- For fuck's sake. No, it's cats. - Oh.
Cash or card?
Um...
so, listen, sir, I was actually robbed earlier tonight,
but I live here, um, so I can get some money from my boyfriend.
- What? - Yeah, I promise you.
Look, you know what? Um...
- I'll leave my shoes. - No, I don't want your shoes.
These are good. These are new. They're like 90 dollars.
No, no, no, no. You have to pay. You have to pay me now.
- I will. I live here. You have my shoes.
No, no, senr̃ita.
No, senr̃ita.
- Gordon!
- One second.
Gordy!
Oh, rock key, rock key.
What the fuck?
- Gordon! Oh, Collie.
- Oh, boy!
- Hello, boy. Fuck.
Gordon!
Oh.
Jesus Christ...
- Hey, hey, lady, lady!
Fuck you!
Gordon!
Fuckin'... ow!
Oh, yes. Yes.
- Hello. Hello, boy.
Go on.
- All right, here we go, Collie.
Okay.
Oh, fuck it.
Oh, no.
Not now, not now, not now.
- Ah!
I live here.
- I live here.
- G'day. - I live here.
Should you be in a hospital?
No, no. I'm a doctor. I'm just menstruating.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
So, my name's Ashley Molden,
and I was robbed on the train to Waterfall.
Waterfall?
It's a long way away.
- Yeah. - How'd you get here?
Took a cab.
- How'd you pay for the cab?
- Copy that.
She matches the description. - No.
So, we got a dine and dash, taxi fare evasion...
- Oh. - Attempted break-and-enter,
and indecent exposure.
What? To who? I mean, I was just making a pad.
You guys are women.
We're police.
Would you like to get in the car by yourself, or do you need assistance?
- Can someone please talk to me?
Oh no.
- Got a present for you. - Righto.
Excuse me, sir.
I was robbed tonight, and I'm just trying to get home.
- You've been charged with... - Yeah, yeah, yes,
I understand all that. But...
- Have you lost your phone recently? - No.
It's fucked up. And nobody cared.
I mean, these two teenagers, they didn't even...
They wouldn't even help me.
Also, I was abducted by, like, a weird sex couple.
I didn't even tell you that.
And what did they do to you?
Well... nothing.
Uh, they let me go. I don't think that they...
were feeling it, or...
So, if you'd had your phone, you would've paid for your meal,
- your taxi, and everything else? - Yes, yes.
And what about the attempted break-and-enter?
Your phone would've stopped that too?
Yeah, because I live there, with my boyfriend.
- And he can verify that? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, so, his name's Gordon Crapp. - Gordon Crapp?
Yeah.
That's a shocking name.
You know what, forget it. I just want to go to sleep.
So incarcerate me.
- You already are incarcerated. - Good.
Chuck her in there.
Nothing sadder than a cop behind a desk.
Not big enough for the big boy shit, were ya?
Didn't cut it on the streets, did ya?
You rat.
- What happened to her face?
Ms Molden.
Hey?
Your mates here.
- Gordy. - Oh.
- What happened? - Oh!
- What happened?
Oh, I got you.
- Oh, I got you.
Fuck.
Dude.
- Where've you been? - Oh my God!
Oh.