- Okay, how old is Kaylen? - Five. Seven.
- Actually, don't know. - Wow, shit Uncle Gordy.
Yeah, but I think I'm going to come into my own
when they're of drinking age, you know?
What about the other one?
Um, eight... or ten.
And that's Brayden
or Braylen.
Not sure, but he's actually pretty cool.
Okay, we're going to do stickers and lollies.
- Great. - Can't lose.
- Um, what about your mum? - She's the easiest one.
- Okay, Ferrero Rochers. Easy. - Hi, mate.
Can I also get, uh, 20 bucks on Thursday's Powerball auto-pick?
Ta.
What?
- I didn't say anything.
- It's for Mum. - Sure.
Hello, boysy.
- Yass newsagent. I love it.
- Yep.
- "Yass golf day". - Oh.
"Yass babysitter. Missing cat in Yass".
You, uh, you going to do
the Yass thing the whole time we're in Yass?
- Mm-hmm. I'm just kidding. Yass! - Oh, Jesus.
Did you just grow up saying "Yass" to everything?
It must have been so fun.
Actually no, I did leave before the whole Yass juggernaut took off.
- Oh, say it. - Nah.
- Sad. - Hey, just so you know,
I'm going to shake Dad's pockets today for the brewery.
Oh, is he flush?
Yeah, you wouldn't know it because he rarely wears undies,
but he is sitting on a small goldmine.
Ooh, can I help? I'm really good with old men.
- Yes, don't I know it.
- Where are we sleeping tonight? - Uh, what do you mean?
I'm sleeping with my mummy and you're sleeping with my daddy.
- We're a normal family. - Hot.
You ready to meet my parents?
- Yass.
- See, it wasn't hard. - Oh, God, it was.
- Okay.
Drink it in.
Crapp time, baby.
- Can't get in, Mum. You've locked it.
- Hey, get in here, you fuckin' losers.
- Yeah. Yeah, right-o.
- Come on.
- Hello, Mum. - Oh, Gordy.
- Oh, you're looking so muscular. - Oh, come on.
- No, he's not, he's a pussy. - Nah, you are, mate.
- And you must be Ashley. - Yes, hi.
- So nice to meet you, Mrs Crapp. - Oh, it's Dawn.
Yeah, start the day right with a Dawn Crapp.
- Hey, boys, boys, boys!
Get out here! Uncle Gordo's here. Hide the bananas.
- There it is. - Here are you, Gordon.
- Yeah. - Broke again.
No, I'm not. I just, uh, wanted to introduce everyone to Ash
and hang out with my gorgeous family.
What the fuck is that?
Oh, this is our little boy, Colin.
- Looks expensive, Gordon. - Well.
I hope you didn't pay full price for them.
- What's that? - That.
Oh, yeah. I did, actually.
- Stupid.
- Hi, Mr Crapp. - Brian.
Hi, Brian. Hello, hello.
Hey, Pop. Hey, Popsicle. How you going?
- Hey, Pop, it's Gordon. - Hey, Graham.
Yeah, why not? Are you going to show us your, uh, your big letter?
- What? - From the king.
You got a big letter for hitting your century.
Nah, I got rid of it.
- Did you? - Yeah, he's not my bloody king.
Oh, I got you a little... just choccies.
- Oh, you shouldn't have. - That's all right.
Nah, nah, nah. Get 'em out of here. Brayden's a nut-tard.
- Oh! - Oh, Alistair, you fuckin' idiot.
It's anaphylaxis. Hi.
- Oh, um, I didn't know about allergies.
- No, it's fine.
- Gordon didn't mention it. - Nice to meet you.
- I thought it was celiac. - No, I'm celiac.
Oh, sorry, Katie. Hey, always good to see you.
- Yeah. - Hello.
- Hi. - Don't bother. She's on her eggs.
Oh, fuck off.
Okay.
So, how long are you staying?
We're here tonight.
Oh, can't you stay longer?
Mum, I just got here.
I'm, like, I'm here now.
Yes, no, I understand you're busy.
Righto, stop sucking mum's tits, Gordo. The game's about to start.
Shit, yes.
- Oh, come on. - Oh.
But for the players, it's so much more.
Today's all about respect...
- Let's go to the girls' room. - Oh, good. Lovely.
He'd be suspended for the fuckin' season.
- He should be. That's my point. - Yeah.
God, you're a little thing, aren't you?
Oh, I don't know. Yeah, I guess I'm short.
My boys normally go for quite busty girls.
- Don't they, Katie? - Hmm.
Oh, his friend Chiara certainly was.
And you're top-heavy, Katie.
Yeah, kids wrecked 'em a bit.
No, they normally like them like their mum.
I had a reduction in my fifties.
When the boys were little, they were huge.
- Wow. - Blessed in the chest, I used to say.
- I should find a photo. - Oh no.
No, Brian's got them hidden away somewhere.
It's okay.
Used to be massive.
- Were they? - Hmm.
Cute.
- Boys! - Boys, fuck off!
- Get out of here!
- So, what do you do, Katie? - I'm a mum.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, no, no. Kids keep you busy.
- Oh, are you a mum? - No.
Right.
- I'm a dog mum. - So, no.
Well, you know, he relies on me, and he needs a lot of care.
Not the same.
- Isn't it? - No.
Oh.
- Do you have a dog? - Used to.
- What happened? - Got rid of it.
- Why? - 'Cause I had kids.
Get us another beer, love.
- Is that me? - Hmm. Guess so.
Oh, um, Gordon!
- I think your dad wants another beer. - We're watching the game.
Oh no, no, it's okay. I'll get... I'll get it.
- I'll get it. - No, no, no. She'd love to get it.
Oh, it's just Katie and I having a chat, that's all.
Yeah, no, we're done. I'll get it.
Uh, I'll get it. I'll get it. I just didn't know that that was the thing.
Uh, grab us one too, please, sweetheart.
Gordon?
Yes, please?
And make sure it's one of my ones,
not Gordon's fucking coriander piss.
Not piss. Got it.
- Oh, fuck.
Hey, um, speaking of my coriander piss...
What do you want now?
No, no, no, nothing. I was just, um...
I was just... We're just doing
some really... some interesting stuff at the brewery at the moment.
- There's some fermentations... - I am not giving you money.
That's cool. That's cool. I was just, um...
The, um...
No, it's... it's actually pretty exciting at... at the moment.
The bar's pretty good, Dad.
It's not shit, eh?
Well, if it's not shit, why is he asking for money?
I'm not. I'm not asking for money, Dad.
I'm not. I was just...
Yeah, I was just saying...
- Making convo.
- Fuck, all my suggested posts are asses.
- Are you gonna poop? - Oh, for fuck's sake!
- Oh! - It's okay.
I just didn't know if you were going to poop.
No, not. Just a wee.
- Who are you? - Jailyn.
- What you doing there? - Playing mermaids.
You don't want to go outside and play with your brothers?
No.
Okay. Well, I'm going to pull my pants up now.
Yeah.
Could you close your eyes for me?
- Could you actually close them, though?
- I am.
You... you're still looking, and it would be nice
if I could wipe and pull up my pants in private.
- Ashely... - No, hey.
- Oh, it's you. - How are you going?
Uh, it's a pretty tough crowd out there.
- Yeah, not going to lie.
- You're doing great, okay? Don't worry.
If I need you, though, out there, can you not leave me hanging?
Of course. I'm your guy. I've got you. All right?
- Hi, Uncle. - Jesus!
Fra... Hey!
- Hi, J... Jada. - No, Jailyn.
- Ja... - ilyn.
Jailyn. Yes, Jailyn. That's what I said. What did you say?
- You have grown.
Last time I saw you, you were like that big.
You're as big as that doll that you're playing with.
Anyway, how are you going? How's tricks?
- I'm not bad. - Not bad?
- Sorry, can everyone just get out? - Yeah, okay, yeah.
- She's still in... can you get her out?
So, yeah, his back legs will likely never function,
but we just want to give him a good life.
- Pork and fennel?
Yeah, I would have shot it in my day.
Put it out of its misery.
How's your box trifecta looking?
Uh...
Yeah, but we... we fell in love with him.
Didn't we, Gordon?
Yes, we... Yeah, yeah, we did.
Fucking lefties, trying to save everything.
He'd have never cut it in the wild.
Yeah, Dad, most terriers wouldn't. W...
- Thank you. - Yeah.
- Thanks, Katie. - Sausage roll.
Oh.
Are you going to eat that?
Yeah, it looks lovely.
Oh. Uh-huh.
- You're welcome. - Oh, thank you.
Porks are smart as dogs, you know.
- What's the difference? - Good question.
And that is a contradiction that I struggle with
- since becoming a dog owner. - It's a struggle, is it?
- What? - Vietnam was a struggle.
Agent Orange was a struggle.
Just eat the fucking sausage roll.
Hey, um, Dad, did I tell you that, um, Ash is a sixth-year medical student?
She's about to be a doctor. She's totally killing it.
Whoop-dee-doo, then she can bankroll you instead of me.
Has Gordon told you about the brewery lately?
They're doing some really exciting new stuff.
Exciting new stuff? What's he up to now? Bees dick beer?
Caramelised who-gives-a-shit?
Sure, but it's...
it's a massive industry and he's giving it a real go.
Oh, shit, is she going to hit me up for money now?
No, I was just...
It's... it's all right.
I thought you said she was fun.
So far, I haven't seen a single nipple.
What the fuck, man?
What? Dad loves tits.
As if I wasn't going to tell him.
Hmm. Well, the day is young, Brian. You never know your luck.
- I'm going to get a fucking wine. - And more beer.
She is quite fun, actually.
- Really? - She's so young.
She doesn't smile much, but when she does, it doesn't...
- Hey. - Hey.
Just getting some more beers for the guys.
- Oh, you're good, aren't you? - I'm trying to be.
- How old are you?
Um, 30.
Ready to settle down?
Oh, yeah, with the right guy.
And is that not Gordon?
Oh no, yeah, yep.
So, you're ready to settle down with Gordon?
Yes.
He needs a strong woman.
- Someone to keep him focused. - And interested.
- Okay. - Hmm.
Are you and your mum close?
Are we close?
Yes, are you?
Um, let's just say you shouldn't go
to a hardware store if you're looking for milk.
I don't really know what that means.
It's just something that my therapist said to me that I found helpful.
Oh, do you do therapy?
I have done.
Why, what's wrong with you?
Nothing now, all cured.
- Okay, so you don't do therapy anymore?
- No.
- Oh, that's good.
- Have you frozen your eggs?
- Where's my little bartender? - Oh, that's me.
Better get a wriggle on.
Oh, yum, yum.
- What is this? - Hmm?
Oh, Brian's medication.
- Uh, is that all prescribed? - Yeah.
Oh, there might be some zinc in there.
- What are you doing? - Hey.
- What's the photo for? - What photo?
Oh, the, oh... No, it's just for my work group chat.
- Why?
Because it's funny.
- Oh, that's a bit rude, don't you think?
- Yeah.
- Please delete it. - Yeah, okay.
Oh, yeah.
- And from the recently deleted? - Yes. Oh fuck.
Show me.
It's empty.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Coming, Brian.
It's his third reconstruction, so I mean...
Oh, mate, stop being a sook. Get off. Brayden!
Brayden, get your brother and get to the kid's table.
- Get off, babe.
- What are you doing? Ouch!
- Nice having a break from the telly. - Yeah.
There we go.
- Oh, great.
Dad, how about we just don't have telly?
Hey, I got 50 bucks on this game.
Uh, okay, well, do you want... Can we just mute it, maybe?
Like, Ashley's here. It'd be good to talk.
You're joking.
Go on, love.
Good to talk?
- Fine.
- Talk.
Go... Thanks, Gordon.
Um, where'd you grow up?
Here. Next?
For fuck's sake, Dad, come on.
Oh, all right, all right.
Hey, I've got a good one.
Did you hear about the Asian
gynaecologist?
- No, Dad.
- No. - Why not?
Because you only do that, so you can do the voice.
- Yeah, but the voice is classic though.
- Let's not.
- Okay? - Here, love.
Just start on that bit. Start on that. Make sure you chew it.
- Hmm.
You boys have fun in Sydney?
Um, yeah, we're good.
It was brief, but it was good.
Brief? Five days?
No, what are you talking about?
It was five days, Gordon, for fuck's sake.
Hmm, yes, it was.
Yeah, it seemed like such a... Much quicker time.
Um, it was good. We had some good bro time in the end and...
- What about Vegas? - Vegas?
What the fuck?
Yeah, next time we should definitely do Vegas.
- Fucking yeah, great idea, Ash. - Hmm.
But we had a good time up in Sydney, didn't we?
You know, me and you, we... we went to the... to the brewery.
Didn't we, Ash? That was fun.
- Yes, it was great. - Was it?
Hmm.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Hmm.
I like Vegas.
How's the gravy, Brian? Up to your liking?
Oh, perfect, perfect. Mm.
Hey, hey, now.
Uh, as a medical practitioner, I've got a bone to pick with you, Brian.
Oh, gee, I'm trembling.
Your... your pillbox is in need of a pretty big redo.
Can I help you sort that out?
Stay out of it. I've got a system.
I... I can order you a Webster pack.
Just leave it. I know what I'm doing.
I... I take a little red one first thing in the morning.
The morning is blue.
Shush, woman, it's red. No, wait.
- No, it's red.
And it's a little blue one every other morning.
And then I have two white ones with my tea
and a yellow one if I'm feeling a bit frisky.
I don't know if a prescription would say every other morning.
- Are you my doctor? - No.
No. Keith Moorley's my doctor and a bloody good one.
Isn't he a kiddy fiddler?
No, that's Kenneth Murray, my old dentist.
Anyway, here's, uh, here's to all getting together
and meeting Ashley, eh?
Hmm. Yeah, well, you know, there was that time up in Sydney, so...
Nice to meet you, Ash.
Uh, nice, uh, nice to meet you, Amy.
Yeah, good on you, Ashy.
- This is nice. - It's good.
Can you close your fucking mouth while you're chewing, please?
- It's because... - No, no. No, no.
We normally watch the footy, so you can't hear
- what I'm doing, but now I'm talking...
- Listen, can you listen to me?
- Yeah, what? Fuck! - Close your lips
- when you chew your food... - Okay.
- Or you'll fucking choke on it. - Okay, okay, I'm trying, I'm trying.
You're going to teach the kids this bullshit.
Okay.
No, seriously, breathe louder. It's awesome.
So, how long have you been married, you... you two?
We met at my 21st birthday party.
- Oh, wow. - Oh God.
What... what do you think the secret is?
Girlfriends.
Nice, Dad.
Are you, uh, marrying this one?
- Well, um... - I saw Ashley eyeing off
my engagement ring.
Oh, I wasn't.
- Were you? - No.
- Yes, you were. - No, I wasn't.
- Yes, you were. - What? Don't you like it?
It's lovely. I just wasn't eyeing it off.
How you doing, Pop? You doing all right?
- Wonderful. - Great.
- Oh, the beef's so tender.
- Uh, th... thank you, girls. - It's all Dawn and Katie.
- I knew that. - He knows that.
Yeah.
Hey, Collie. Where is he?
Where is... I want to give him a little bit of meat.
I put him outside.
- What? When? - Why?
He's a dog. I didn't want him staring at me whilst I ate.
But he hasn't got his wheels on.
Well, then he... won't get far, will he?
- Fucking hell, Dad.
Sit down!
I won't have my dinner fucked up by a crippled mutt
that should have been dead long before this.
Sit down, kids.
- Oh, that's just... - No. Hey, hey, hey.
- No? No? - No.
No.
Sorry, Dawn. Sorry, Brian. He's our dog.
And I don't feel comfortable with him being outside.
So excuse me.
God.
- Huh?
- Yeah, good mate.
Colin!
Don't worry. He's probably sniffing around the chooks.
Yes, but he doesn't have his wheels on. No, he shouldn't be out here.
Colin!
- Now, Ashley. - Yep?
I said the same thing to Katie when she was shacking up with Alistair.
- Yeah? - Do not get an abortion ever.
Because you'd be killing a little bit of Dawn and I can't have that.
Now, if you get into trouble, ring me. I'll raise it. No questions asked.
Yeah, I... I don't think that... that'll be an issue, you know,
with Gordon and his whole situation, so sorry, I'm just gonna slip off.
Colin!
Colin! Here, boy!
My money's on a red-bellied black snake, Dad.
Please be quiet.
Twenty bucks on an Eastern Brown.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
- Come on, Dad, you fuckin' all right?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good,
I'm just following two fairies looking for a rat in a sack.
Fuck, what's going on, Dad? You're being especially shit today.
- Excuse me? - You've been really hard on Ash.
She's trying to stuff up my pills.
No, Dad, she's not. She's trying to help you.
I'd just... I'd appreciate more of an effort.
I'd appreciate a ten-inch dong, but that's not happening, is it?
- Colin! - Dickhead!
I'm glad I've got you alone because I...
I want to ask your medical opinion of something.
Sure.
Well, Brayden has told Katie that he likes boys.
Okay.
Well, when she was pregnant with him, she...
she had a flu shot, even though I begged her not to.
You think that's the reason?
The reason?
Th... that it affected her hormones or something, you know?
She lost an X or a Y or a...
Oh, God, I don't know how it works.
Look, um, I don't think
that the flu shot has anything to do with that.
I think if Brayden likes boys, he just likes boys.
God help me.
And, PS, don't do that fucking Vegas shit on me.
- Jesus Christ. - What?
She's got no idea. Did you see her face? Fuckin' crickets.
That's not the point, mate. You put me in a spot.
Don't worry about it. You're Gordonising, for fuck's sake.
No, mate. I'm gonna get the third degree from Ash on that one.
Women don't like doing that shit to other women.
What? You sound like a fucking femo, man.
Gordon, your dad. Your dad.
Oh, fuck.
- Dad, you all right? What's going on? - Dad?
- Hey, hey, hey. You fall?
- Dad? Dad? - Are you all right?
- Okay, Heavy, Heavy? - Yeah, um...
- Call triple zero. Go, go, go. - Okay.
- Don't be stupid, I'm fine. - Brian!
- Brian. - Mum, Mum, Mum, it's okay.
His ankles are swollen. I think he's in heart failure.
How long have you had a shortness of breath for?
- Since '92. Get out of the way!
- I'll keep you down. - Stay down, stay down.
Brian! Well, what do I do?
Uh, can you get some aspirin?
- Go. - Oh, Jailyn's got the dog as well.
Sorry, she thought it was a mermaid
- because of that weird bag thing. - Okay.
Um, my... my dad... I think my dad's having a heart attack.
Y... yes.
- W... what's going on? - That's all right.
You're all right, Brian.
We're just calling an ambulance. We'll get someone for you soon.
- You're all right, Dad. - No, you're okay.
- You're all right.
- Come on, Doc. What's the verdict?
Well, we can talk more about a pacemaker,
but these medications are working really well for the moment.
Oh, that's great.
I understand you were set on going home tonight.
You made quite a scene with the nurse.
Yeah, Raiders Cowboys at 7:00.
We would prefer you stay the night,
- but we can't force you to. - Correct.
As long as you don't do anything rigorous,
you should be okay.
I'll make sure he's comfy, and we'll fix his pills, won't we, Ash?
Okay. Let me finish up your paperwork.
- Thanks, Doc. - Take it easy, Brian.
Yeah.
And, uh, thanks, little doc.
Right-o.
- Stop, Dad. Stop, stop, stop. - Wait, Brian.
Wait for the nurse to unhook you. Just be patient.
God, you people.
- Yep. - We're just gonna get Pop some tea.
All right, love.
Why haven't I got a fucking TV up there?
I bet you're glad you came all the way down to Yass.
Hmm. Not really.
Hey, thank you so much for helping with Dad.
You were incredible.
It's fine.
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Or, no. Nah.
What? What is it?
- Like, he almost died... - Hmm.
- So thank God he's okay, obviously. - Yeah.
But your dad was an asshole to me. All day, Gordon.
- And everyone kind of was, actually. - I know. - No...
- you don't know. - Look, he... he's...
Dad's a dinosaur, all right? He just says shit.
But you could have helped me out a bit more.
- Yeah, I was trying to. - When?
You know, he was... he was going me about Vietnam,
and you're just sitting there, like, betting on the races.
Didn't even look like you.
- What does that mean? - When did you start gambling again?
Because you told me that you deleted all the apps.
Oh, Christ. It's something I do with my brother, okay?
- That... I was... I was with my fam. - Oh!
Give me a break. I told Dad about you doing medicine.
- Like, I was helping. - Oh, barely.
That's not fair.
You know... And your mum?
And... and Katie, right?
They're impenetrable. I couldn't get in there.
And Heavy. Oh my God.
Don't. Don't do that. Don't make me complicit
- in that kind of shit ever. - Ash, I can't be held responsible
for them, all right?
They're just... I'm not an activist in my family.
That's not how it works. They're just fucking family.
You know?
I just didn't like you sitting there with them.
Being like them.
- I'm not like them. - But maybe you are.
Are you like Lynelle?
- Sorry, what? - Well, if I'm just like them,
- maybe you're just like Lynelle.
- Lynelle's got a lot of issues,
but she's not a fuckwit, mate, actually.
Your dad is a fuckwit.
Oh, I mean, don't you agree?
- He can be a fuckwit? - I gotta get this tea to Pop.
Oh, Gordon, hey.
- No. - Gordon.
Gordon.
Hey, come on.
Brian! Brian! Nurse!