1
00:00:15,019 --> 00:00:16,008
Good morning.

2
00:00:18,422 --> 00:00:21,391
How do we turn this off?
Can you help me turn this off?

3
00:00:21,592 --> 00:00:25,119
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
How do we turn this off?
Can you help me with this?

4
00:00:25,329 --> 00:00:28,298
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
I didn't mean to snap.

5
00:00:28,499 --> 00:00:29,796
Good morning.

6
00:00:30,001 --> 00:00:33,493
Many of you are halfway through
your first week here at Greendale,

7
00:00:33,704 --> 00:00:35,569
and as your dean...

8
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:40,904
I thought I would share a few
thoughts of wisdom and inspiration.

9
00:00:41,112 --> 00:00:45,446
What is community college?
Well, you've heard all kinds
of things.

10
00:00:45,650 --> 00:00:50,178
You've heard it's loser college
for remedial teens,

11
00:00:50,388 --> 00:00:52,413
20-something dropouts,

12
00:00:52,623 --> 00:00:54,420
middle-aged divorcees,

13
00:00:54,625 --> 00:00:57,093
and old people keeping
their minds active

14
00:00:57,295 --> 00:00:59,923
as they circle the drain of eternity.

15
00:01:00,131 --> 00:01:01,996
That's what you've heard.

16
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,930
However, I wish you luck.

17
00:01:06,070 --> 00:01:08,038
[§§§]

18
00:01:09,607 --> 00:01:11,234
Okay, you know— Uh-oh.

19
00:01:11,676 --> 00:01:14,110
Okay, there's more to this speech.
There's actually a middle card
that is missing.

20
00:01:14,312 --> 00:01:16,974
Can we all look around
our immediate areas?
Because I really wanted to...

21
00:01:17,181 --> 00:01:19,547
I'm only half Arabic, actually.
My dad is Palestinian.

22
00:01:19,750 --> 00:01:21,945
He's a U.S. citizen,
he's not a threat to national security
or anything.

23
00:01:22,153 --> 00:01:24,519
Lot of people want to know
after they meet him
because he has angry energy.

24
00:01:24,722 --> 00:01:26,587
Not like angry at America,
just angry at my mom
for leaving.

25
00:01:26,791 --> 00:01:28,053
Although she did leave
because he was angry.

26
00:01:28,259 --> 00:01:29,419
And he was angry
because she's American.

27
00:01:29,627 --> 00:01:31,254
My name's Abed,
by the way.

28
00:01:31,462 --> 00:01:34,920
Abed, nice to know you
and then meet you,
in that order.

29
00:01:35,132 --> 00:01:36,565
Now about that question
that I had?

30
00:01:36,767 --> 00:01:39,531
Oh, uh...
Five after 11
when you asked.

31
00:01:39,737 --> 00:01:40,965
Abed.
Yeah.

32
00:01:41,172 --> 00:01:43,572
What's the deal
with the hot girl
from Spanish class?

33
00:01:43,774 --> 00:01:45,401
I can't find a road in there.

34
00:01:45,610 --> 00:01:48,306
Well, I only talked to her once
while she was borrowing
a pencil.

35
00:01:48,512 --> 00:01:50,571
Her name is Britta,
she's 28,
birthday in October.

36
00:01:50,781 --> 00:01:52,339
She has two older brothers.
One works with children

37
00:01:52,550 --> 00:01:53,949
who have a disorder
I might wanna look up.

38
00:01:54,151 --> 00:01:56,346
And she thinks she's gonna
flunk tomorrow's test.
So she really needs to focus.

39
00:01:56,554 --> 00:01:59,022
And she's sorry if that
makes her seem cold.

40
00:01:59,223 --> 00:02:00,315
Holy crap.

41
00:02:00,524 --> 00:02:05,018
Abed, I see your value now.

42
00:02:06,597 --> 00:02:08,827
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

43
00:02:11,335 --> 00:02:12,324
Absolutely not.

44
00:02:13,871 --> 00:02:17,329
If these guys knew you like I did,
they would have given you
a small office.

45
00:02:17,541 --> 00:02:20,704
Jeff Winger, genius at law.

46
00:02:20,912 --> 00:02:24,404
You gotta stop saying that.
I will never do that. Sit down.

47
00:02:24,615 --> 00:02:26,981
I still cannot figure out
how you got a jury to connect

48
00:02:27,184 --> 00:02:31,177
September the 11th with my DUl,
let alone why that helped.

49
00:02:31,389 --> 00:02:33,323
Well, 2002 was a simpler time.

50
00:02:33,524 --> 00:02:37,358
So, what is my lawyer doing here?
I'm a student.

51
00:02:38,462 --> 00:02:40,487
Well, that cannot be
an inspiring journey.

52
00:02:40,698 --> 00:02:43,030
I am in a bit of a jam.

53
00:02:43,234 --> 00:02:45,930
The state bar has suspended
my license.

54
00:02:46,137 --> 00:02:49,937
They found out my college degree
was less than legitimate.

55
00:02:50,141 --> 00:02:51,768
I thought you had a bachelor's
from Columbia.

56
00:02:51,976 --> 00:02:54,376
Now I have to get one from America.
Oof.

57
00:02:54,578 --> 00:02:58,105
And it can't be an e-mail attachment.
Well, you've picked a fine school.

58
00:02:58,316 --> 00:03:03,083
Yes.
And I'm hoping that our friendship
will yield certain advantages.

59
00:03:03,287 --> 00:03:04,845
You know, academic guidance.
Yes.

60
00:03:05,056 --> 00:03:06,045
Moral support.

61
00:03:06,257 --> 00:03:08,487
Every answer to every test

62
00:03:08,693 --> 00:03:11,287
for every one of the classes
that I'm taking.

63
00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:13,895
Here's my schedule.
Now, Jeff, just by asking that

64
00:03:14,098 --> 00:03:18,467
you have insulted the integrity
of this entire institution.
Oi.

65
00:03:18,669 --> 00:03:21,570
Waster. Not a bathroom.
Not a bathroom.

66
00:03:21,772 --> 00:03:25,674
Okay. Duncan, you did seem
less into integrity

67
00:03:25,876 --> 00:03:28,003
the day that I convinced
12 of your peers

68
00:03:28,212 --> 00:03:30,442
that when you made that U-turn
on the freeway

69
00:03:30,648 --> 00:03:33,412
and tried to order chalupas
from the emergency call box

70
00:03:33,617 --> 00:03:35,915
that your only real crime
was loving America.

71
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,588
Well, I do love America.
I love it very much.

72
00:03:38,789 --> 00:03:39,847
Mm?

73
00:03:40,057 --> 00:03:43,584
I— I love chalupas.
But...

74
00:03:43,794 --> 00:03:45,227
I'll look into it.
Thank you.

75
00:03:45,429 --> 00:03:47,954
Duncan, you are a good man.

76
00:03:48,165 --> 00:03:51,498
Jeff,
are you familiar with the adage
"Cheaters never prosper"?

77
00:03:52,103 --> 00:03:54,537
No. And if I wanted to
learn something,

78
00:03:54,739 --> 00:03:56,536
I wouldn't have come
to community college.

79
00:03:56,741 --> 00:03:58,709
[§§§]

80
00:04:29,607 --> 00:04:32,474
Oh, hey, Spanish.
Yeah, don't hit on me, okay?

81
00:04:32,676 --> 00:04:34,871
Uh, I wouldn't dream of it.

82
00:04:35,079 --> 00:04:38,981
I just wanted to let you know
about my Spanish study group.

83
00:04:39,483 --> 00:04:40,472
Oh, whoa, whoa.

84
00:04:40,684 --> 00:04:44,552
The guy who's playing
"Bejeweled" on his iPhone
all class has a study group?

85
00:04:44,755 --> 00:04:47,690
Can I sign up twice?
I'm taking the class as an easy credit.

86
00:04:47,892 --> 00:04:50,884
I'm actually a Spanish tutor.
Board certified.

87
00:04:51,095 --> 00:04:53,359
Can you say that in Spanish now?

88
00:05:00,638 --> 00:05:02,003
I really need help with Spanish.

89
00:05:02,206 --> 00:05:03,730
Yeah, I was willing to bet.
I'm Jeff.

90
00:05:03,941 --> 00:05:06,375
Or jefe.

91
00:05:06,744 --> 00:05:09,736
The group meets at the library at 4.
Britta. Thanks.

92
00:05:11,449 --> 00:05:13,007
You're gonna be there?

93
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,615
That means,
"See you there."

94
00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:20,351
Shouldn't be too hard to fake
a study group, right?

95
00:05:20,558 --> 00:05:21,582
Huh?

96
00:05:21,792 --> 00:05:24,192
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.

97
00:05:24,395 --> 00:05:26,829
I was raised on TV,
and I was conditioned to believe

98
00:05:27,031 --> 00:05:30,523
that every black woman over 50
is a cosmic mentor.

99
00:05:31,135 --> 00:05:34,104
Were you conditioned to pay
for your damn tacos, Seinfield?

100
00:05:34,572 --> 00:05:36,563
Yes. I'm so sorry.

101
00:05:36,774 --> 00:05:38,036
It's "Seinfeld."

102
00:05:38,242 --> 00:05:40,210
[§§§]

103
00:05:46,450 --> 00:05:48,816
Hey, all right, come on in.

104
00:05:49,019 --> 00:05:52,113
I've got the whole table. Welcome.
Yeah, the whole room.

105
00:05:52,323 --> 00:05:55,315
Here's the contact sheet.

106
00:05:55,526 --> 00:05:57,517
Just put your stuff there.
That's...

107
00:05:58,195 --> 00:06:02,063
Man, the rest of the group
is running late.

108
00:06:02,266 --> 00:06:04,029
But you and I can get acquainted.

109
00:06:04,235 --> 00:06:06,999
You may have noticed this morning,
not so good at the small talk.

110
00:06:07,204 --> 00:06:08,193
Yeah, I like big talk.

111
00:06:08,405 --> 00:06:09,804
What's your deal?
That's not small talk?

112
00:06:10,007 --> 00:06:11,497
What's your deal and is God dead?

113
00:06:12,743 --> 00:06:14,301
All right, you wanna know my deal?
Mm.

114
00:06:14,512 --> 00:06:18,812
I dropped out of high school
because I thought for some reason
it would impress Radiohead.

115
00:06:19,016 --> 00:06:21,917
You'd be surprised
what gets back to those guys.

116
00:06:22,119 --> 00:06:25,145
I joined the Peace Corps.
I did a little foot modeling.

117
00:06:25,356 --> 00:06:27,688
I got tear gassed
at a world trade rally—

118
00:06:27,892 --> 00:06:30,190
Marry me.
Ha. And I guess, Jeff,

119
00:06:30,394 --> 00:06:32,862
my deal is, above all else,
honesty.

120
00:06:33,731 --> 00:06:34,891
Honesty.
Yeah.

121
00:06:35,099 --> 00:06:36,828
You tell me the truth,
I will like you.

122
00:06:37,034 --> 00:06:39,468
You lie to me,
I will never talk to you again.
That's my deal.

123
00:06:39,670 --> 00:06:42,833
That's a good deal.
So, what's your deal?

124
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,337
Uh— I would have to go—

125
00:06:44,542 --> 00:06:47,670
I would have to say, um, honesty.

126
00:06:48,345 --> 00:06:51,576
Because I would say anything
to get what I want,

127
00:06:51,782 --> 00:06:55,183
and I want you to like me. So...

128
00:06:56,120 --> 00:07:00,113
Well, that's a very honest answer.
All right, for now, I like you fine.

129
00:07:00,925 --> 00:07:03,655
Really? Wow. You're easy.
Hell, yeah.

130
00:07:03,861 --> 00:07:06,022
Abed. In the house.

131
00:07:06,497 --> 00:07:08,522
Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!

132
00:07:08,732 --> 00:07:11,200
Whoo. Why?
Britta invited me. Is that cool?

133
00:07:11,402 --> 00:07:14,633
Oh, I can't think of a single
logical reason why not.

134
00:07:14,838 --> 00:07:16,237
Cool.
There you go.

135
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,931
Oh, hey, here.
Put your contact info
down right there.

136
00:07:19,143 --> 00:07:22,010
That's right.
Cool, cool, cool.

137
00:07:22,213 --> 00:07:23,908
Cool, cool, cool.

138
00:07:24,114 --> 00:07:26,241
Hey, this is kind of like
Breakfast Club, huh?

139
00:07:26,450 --> 00:07:27,644
We are in a library.

140
00:07:27,851 --> 00:07:31,184
Yeah. I'm sure we've each got
an issue balled up inside that would
make us cry if we talked about it.

141
00:07:31,388 --> 00:07:34,221
Do you have something
balled up inside you?

142
00:07:34,425 --> 00:07:37,417
Oh, I got a little doozy
in the chamber
if things get emotional.

143
00:07:39,830 --> 00:07:41,263
Hey, text message.

144
00:07:41,465 --> 00:07:43,865
Let's give this bad boy a read.
It's probably just for you.

145
00:07:44,068 --> 00:07:46,798
I've never gotten one of these.
Uh, it's probably— You just—

146
00:07:47,004 --> 00:07:47,993
It's just for your eyes.

147
00:07:48,205 --> 00:07:50,366
"Say you have to pee.
I need to talk to you."

148
00:07:51,508 --> 00:07:53,908
"Say you have to pee."
That is weird.

149
00:07:54,211 --> 00:07:56,441
"Say you have to pee."
Yeah. Do you have to pee?

150
00:07:56,647 --> 00:07:58,308
No. That's so weird.

151
00:07:58,515 --> 00:07:59,504
Well, I'm stumped.
That's very creepy.

152
00:08:00,918 --> 00:08:01,907
That makes two of us.

153
00:08:02,119 --> 00:08:04,178
What's that?
Does it say you have to pee?

154
00:08:04,388 --> 00:08:08,586
No, it's just someone
with a misguided grasp
of abbreviation.

155
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:09,918
I just need five minutes,
you guys.

156
00:08:10,127 --> 00:08:14,530
So go ahead and study
all the verbs in Spanish.

157
00:08:14,732 --> 00:08:16,723
Abed, what's your read on that guy?
Yeah.

158
00:08:16,934 --> 00:08:18,094
[§§§]

159
00:08:18,302 --> 00:08:20,463
You look like Elizabeth Shue.

160
00:08:22,273 --> 00:08:25,765
Just act natural, pretend you're
watching the athletic proceedings.

161
00:08:25,976 --> 00:08:27,910
You couldn't stop me
from watching them.

162
00:08:28,112 --> 00:08:30,637
There's a guy trying out
for track that is older
than the game of poker.

163
00:08:33,083 --> 00:08:34,778
He's kind of trucking.

164
00:08:34,985 --> 00:08:38,921
Suppose I was to say
to you it was possible
to get those test answers.

165
00:08:39,123 --> 00:08:41,751
I would say go for that.
And could have said so
in a text.

166
00:08:41,959 --> 00:08:45,759
I'm asking if you know
the difference between
right and wrong.

167
00:08:45,963 --> 00:08:48,693
I discovered
at a very early age that
if I talked long enough,

168
00:08:48,899 --> 00:08:50,924
I could make anything
right or wrong.

169
00:08:51,135 --> 00:08:55,435
So either I'm God
or truth is relative,
and in either case, booyah.

170
00:08:55,639 --> 00:08:56,731
Oh. Interesting.

171
00:08:56,940 --> 00:08:59,408
It's just, the average person
has a much harder time
saying booyah

172
00:08:59,610 --> 00:09:00,941
to moral relativism.

173
00:09:01,145 --> 00:09:03,579
Duncan, you don't
have to play shrink
to protect your pride.

174
00:09:03,781 --> 00:09:05,248
I accept you're chicken.

175
00:09:05,449 --> 00:09:07,940
You trying to use
reverse psychology
on a psychologist?

176
00:09:08,152 --> 00:09:11,280
No, I'm just using
regular psychology
on a spineless British twit.

177
00:09:11,488 --> 00:09:13,479
I'm a professor.
You can't talk to me that way.

178
00:09:13,691 --> 00:09:14,988
A 6-year-old girl could.

179
00:09:15,192 --> 00:09:16,921
Yes, because
that would be adorable.

180
00:09:17,127 --> 00:09:20,255
No, because
you're a 5-year-old girl,
and there's a pecking order.

181
00:09:20,464 --> 00:09:22,159
Fine, I'll do it.
Thank you.

182
00:09:22,366 --> 00:09:25,130
Yeah, with pleasure. Bye.

183
00:09:25,336 --> 00:09:26,963
Yes, good.

184
00:09:27,171 --> 00:09:30,470
Why am I still shouting?
I'm drawing attention to myself.

185
00:09:30,674 --> 00:09:34,007
You guys aren't going to believe this
but the rest of the group...

186
00:09:35,212 --> 00:09:36,474
is here.

187
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,739
Are you
the board-certified tutor?

188
00:09:38,949 --> 00:09:40,610
That means
you do my homework,
right, Seacrest?

189
00:09:40,818 --> 00:09:42,786
I need to call my babysitter
if we gonna be late.

190
00:09:42,986 --> 00:09:45,181
What board certifies a tutor?
Where's Britta?

191
00:09:45,389 --> 00:09:48,017
Not sure. I invited people
from Spanish class.
Is that cool?

192
00:09:48,225 --> 00:09:50,022
It's the coolest.

193
00:09:51,028 --> 00:09:53,758
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

194
00:09:53,964 --> 00:09:59,129
And bring my jacket,
wallet and keys with me

195
00:09:59,336 --> 00:10:00,997
in case there's a fire.

196
00:10:01,705 --> 00:10:02,694
Should we go with him?

197
00:10:02,906 --> 00:10:04,806
Gonna leave my homework
with Slumdog Millionaire.

198
00:10:05,008 --> 00:10:06,168
That's borderline racist.

199
00:10:10,581 --> 00:10:12,344
And busted.

200
00:10:12,716 --> 00:10:13,705
Listen...

201
00:10:13,917 --> 00:10:15,544
Now you know. I'm a smoker.

202
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,388
Yeah, but they're filtered,
so that makes them safe.

203
00:10:19,590 --> 00:10:22,559
You ready to get started?
Looks like your group showed up.

204
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,490
Not mine. I think Abed took out
a page on Craigslist.

205
00:10:25,696 --> 00:10:27,561
And I was trained
never to say this,

206
00:10:27,765 --> 00:10:30,233
but I think that group
may be untutorable.

207
00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:33,733
Oh, really?
Why don't you and I go study over—

208
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:35,564
Dinner?
Or drinks.

209
00:10:35,773 --> 00:10:38,003
I think, actually,
we should prioritize here

210
00:10:38,208 --> 00:10:40,870
and study first
and then go to dinner.

211
00:10:42,312 --> 00:10:46,214
And if they really prove
to be untutorable,
we'll slip out early.

212
00:10:46,850 --> 00:10:52,049
Oh, they will be untutorable.

213
00:10:56,860 --> 00:10:58,828
[§§§]

214
00:10:59,530 --> 00:11:03,523
All right. Look at this crew.

215
00:11:03,734 --> 00:11:06,259
All ready to study all night.

216
00:11:06,470 --> 00:11:07,562
I can stay at least till 10.

217
00:11:07,771 --> 00:11:09,932
But who studies
with strangers, right?

218
00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:11,198
My name is Jeff.

219
00:11:11,775 --> 00:11:14,107
Jeff, it's a pleasure.
My name is Pierce Hawthorne.

220
00:11:14,311 --> 00:11:16,711
And, yes, that is Hawthorne
as in Hawthorne Wipes

221
00:11:16,914 --> 00:11:19,712
the award-winning moist towelette.
I was just gonna ask.

222
00:11:19,917 --> 00:11:22,317
I'm a Toastmaster.
I should do the introductions.

223
00:11:22,519 --> 00:11:24,077
Definitely.
You know Brittles.

224
00:11:24,288 --> 00:11:26,722
Britta.
Abed. Abed the Arab.

225
00:11:26,924 --> 00:11:28,448
Is that inappropriate?
Sure.

226
00:11:28,659 --> 00:11:30,286
Roy, Roy, the wonder boy—
Troy.

227
00:11:30,494 --> 00:11:32,394
Little princess Elizabeth—
Annie.

228
00:11:32,596 --> 00:11:35,895
And, finally,
this beautiful creature
is named Shirley.

229
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:37,389
Is that even close?

230
00:11:38,602 --> 00:11:40,968
I'd like to know why I had to
find out about this group
on accident.

231
00:11:41,171 --> 00:11:42,638
Way more like Breakfast Club now.

232
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,808
There's breakfast?
We should get started—

233
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:47,602
I've been a part of
study groups that fell apart

234
00:11:47,811 --> 00:11:49,802
because of unresolved tension.

235
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:52,641
Shouldn't we address
Annie's concern?
Did we not invite her?

236
00:11:52,850 --> 00:11:54,477
Sweetie, it's not
behind your back—

237
00:11:54,685 --> 00:11:57,119
Can we stop with the "pumpkins"
and the "sweeties"?

238
00:11:57,688 --> 00:11:59,519
Being younger does not
make me inferior.

239
00:11:59,723 --> 00:12:03,591
if anything, your age
indicates that you've made
bad life decisions.

240
00:12:03,794 --> 00:12:05,762
Shirley has a response to that.
No, no, no. I don't.

241
00:12:05,963 --> 00:12:08,158
It looks like you do.
Shirley, go ahead.

242
00:12:08,365 --> 00:12:10,230
Okay, okay.

243
00:12:10,434 --> 00:12:13,631
I'm sure I've made
some bad life decisions.

244
00:12:13,837 --> 00:12:16,635
And maybe Annie's
decisions will be better.

245
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:20,640
I think she needs to decide
whether she wants to be
considered a child or an adult,

246
00:12:20,844 --> 00:12:23,278
because children get pity,
but not respect,

247
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,311
and adults, they get respect.

248
00:12:25,516 --> 00:12:28,349
They also get their head grabbed
and pushed through jukeboxes.

249
00:12:28,552 --> 00:12:32,852
Okay. Why don't we try learning
"jukebox" in Spanish?

250
00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:34,455
What are you doing?
Pierce.

251
00:12:34,658 --> 00:12:37,024
Let's discuss this creepiness.
Pardon you?

252
00:12:37,227 --> 00:12:38,956
What are you doing?
I'm certified.

253
00:12:39,162 --> 00:12:42,962
Are you unaware that Shirley finds
your advances inappropriate?

254
00:12:44,301 --> 00:12:45,325
What advances?

255
00:12:45,536 --> 00:12:48,369
You have been
sexually harassing me since
the very first day of class.

256
00:12:48,572 --> 00:12:50,938
Sexually harassing?

257
00:12:51,141 --> 00:12:53,006
What—?
That makes no sense to me.

258
00:12:53,210 --> 00:12:55,974
Why would I harass somebody
who turns me on?

259
00:12:56,179 --> 00:12:58,875
Saying she turns you on
is the harassment, dude.

260
00:13:00,117 --> 00:13:01,584
Hey.

261
00:13:02,252 --> 00:13:05,551
I am a prominent business leader
and a highly sought-after
dinner guest.

262
00:13:05,756 --> 00:13:09,055
And I will not take courting advice
from some teenage boy.

263
00:13:09,259 --> 00:13:12,695
Well, this teenage boy
is a quarterback
and a prom king.

264
00:13:12,896 --> 00:13:16,024
You're not prom king anymore, Troy.
This isn't Riverside High.

265
00:13:16,233 --> 00:13:17,860
How'd you know I went there?

266
00:13:18,068 --> 00:13:21,469
Because you're still wearing
your stupid letter jacket,

267
00:13:21,672 --> 00:13:25,199
and, more importantly,
I sat behind you in Algebra.

268
00:13:25,943 --> 00:13:28,503
Were you that girl got hooked
on pills and dropped out?

269
00:13:28,979 --> 00:13:30,276
You're little Annie Adderall.

270
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,846
And you're a stupid jock

271
00:13:33,050 --> 00:13:36,213
who lost scholarship by dislocating
both shoulders in a keg stand.

272
00:13:36,420 --> 00:13:39,150
Keg flip. They're very hard to pull off.
Don't talk to me.

273
00:13:39,356 --> 00:13:41,085
You don't know— I'm a legend.

274
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:49,462
You know what I got for Christmas?

275
00:13:50,334 --> 00:13:52,962
It was a banner year
at the Bender family.

276
00:13:53,170 --> 00:13:55,365
I got a carton of cigarettes.

277
00:13:55,572 --> 00:13:58,564
The old man grabbed me.
He said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny."

278
00:14:00,777 --> 00:14:03,405
No, Dad, what about you?

279
00:14:06,617 --> 00:14:10,576
Well, that actually was from
The Breakfast Club.

280
00:14:12,122 --> 00:14:13,146
Nobody puts Baby
in the corner.

281
00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:16,649
Dirty Dancing. Hello?

282
00:14:16,860 --> 00:14:18,225
It's Professor Duncan.

283
00:14:18,428 --> 00:14:20,487
Come to the parking lot now.

284
00:14:20,697 --> 00:14:23,188
What's wrong with your voice?
I'm disguising it.

285
00:14:25,902 --> 00:14:30,066
I'll be right back.
But while I'm gone, you guys
need to hash this stuff out.

286
00:14:30,273 --> 00:14:33,902
No stone unturned. Go.

287
00:14:37,948 --> 00:14:39,916
[§§§]

288
00:14:42,719 --> 00:14:43,947
Get in the car.

289
00:14:47,157 --> 00:14:51,355
Act as if we've either just finished
or are yet to begin driving.

290
00:14:52,429 --> 00:14:55,865
Every answer to every test
in your curriculum
this semester.

291
00:14:56,066 --> 00:14:58,091
I knew you could do it, buddy.
Thank you.

292
00:14:58,301 --> 00:15:00,531
Whoa, there, grabby grabby.

293
00:15:00,737 --> 00:15:03,831
What do I get?
The satisfaction of being even.

294
00:15:04,041 --> 00:15:06,771
Even, fairness, right, wrong.
There is no God.

295
00:15:06,977 --> 00:15:08,604
Booyah, booyah.
What do you want from me?

296
00:15:09,379 --> 00:15:10,368
Your Lexus.

297
00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:12,844
My car for a semester's worth
of answers?

298
00:15:13,050 --> 00:15:15,018
Will it be just a semester,
though, Jeff?

299
00:15:15,218 --> 00:15:18,483
Won't you be taking
the easy way out
for the next four years?

300
00:15:18,689 --> 00:15:20,384
I want payment in advance.

301
00:15:20,590 --> 00:15:23,150
I want leather seats
with built-in ball warmers.

302
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,818
You know, bluffs this weak
are how your people
lost the colonies.

303
00:15:27,030 --> 00:15:28,998
Have a nice disbarment hearing.

304
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:33,564
What am I supposed to drive?
Take this car. It's good for the earth.

305
00:15:33,770 --> 00:15:37,501
So is wiping your butt with a leaf
but it's not how a man gets around.

306
00:15:43,447 --> 00:15:45,176
Golf cart.

307
00:15:50,687 --> 00:15:52,484
It is a disaster in there.

308
00:15:52,689 --> 00:15:56,090
Yeah. Untutorable.
Do you like Thai food?
I love Thai food.

309
00:15:56,293 --> 00:15:58,591
Wait. So this is a game to you?

310
00:15:58,795 --> 00:16:01,355
You put human beings into
a state of emotional shambles

311
00:16:01,565 --> 00:16:03,260
for a shot at getting in my pants?

312
00:16:03,467 --> 00:16:06,027
Why can't you see that
for the compliment that it is?

313
00:16:07,003 --> 00:16:10,200
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
It was an accident.

314
00:16:10,407 --> 00:16:12,841
I did a little bit of lying
to get close to you.

315
00:16:13,043 --> 00:16:15,773
But how was I supposed
to know that you were
smart and cool.

316
00:16:15,979 --> 00:16:17,446
You look like Elizabeth Shue.

317
00:16:17,647 --> 00:16:19,444
You're unbelievable.
What do you want me to do?

318
00:16:19,649 --> 00:16:23,847
Maybe one decent thing
could be to go in there
and clean up your mess.

319
00:16:26,723 --> 00:16:30,124
Okay, if I do that,
then dinner, right?

320
00:16:32,496 --> 00:16:35,021
Yeah, fine, whatever.
As if there's a dinner on earth

321
00:16:35,232 --> 00:16:38,099
that could make me forget
you are a shallow douche bag.

322
00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:41,896
Oh, you're gonna eat those words
when you see my new car.

323
00:16:49,279 --> 00:16:51,474
All right, everybody.

324
00:16:51,681 --> 00:16:53,649
I wanna say something. Sit down.

325
00:16:54,451 --> 00:16:57,648
Well, you don't have to yell.
I don't appreciate your tone.

326
00:16:59,456 --> 00:17:01,617
What makes humans different
from other animals?

327
00:17:01,825 --> 00:17:03,087
Feet.

328
00:17:03,293 --> 00:17:05,158
No, no. Come on,
bears have feet.

329
00:17:05,362 --> 00:17:09,321
We're the only species
on earth that observes
"Shark Week."

330
00:17:10,133 --> 00:17:13,159
Sharks don't even observe
"Shark Week," but we do.

331
00:17:13,370 --> 00:17:16,897
For the same reason
I can pick up this pencil,
tell you it's name is Steve

332
00:17:17,107 --> 00:17:18,597
and go like this.
Oh.

333
00:17:18,809 --> 00:17:22,575
And part of you dies
just a little bit on the inside.

334
00:17:22,779 --> 00:17:25,748
Because people can connect
with anything.

335
00:17:25,949 --> 00:17:28,440
We can sympathize with a pencil,
we can forgive a shark,

336
00:17:28,652 --> 00:17:31,678
and we can give Ben Affleck
an Academy Award
for screenwriting.

337
00:17:31,888 --> 00:17:33,014
Big mistake.

338
00:17:33,223 --> 00:17:37,785
People can find the good
in just about anything
but themselves.

339
00:17:37,994 --> 00:17:41,122
Look at me.
It's clear to all of you
that I am awesome.

340
00:17:41,331 --> 00:17:43,959
But I could never admit that.
That would make me an ass.

341
00:17:44,167 --> 00:17:47,967
But what I can do is see
what makes Annie awesome.
She's driven.

342
00:17:48,438 --> 00:17:51,635
We need driven people
or the lights go out
and the ice cream melts.

343
00:17:51,842 --> 00:17:54,208
And Pierce,
we need guys like Pierce.

344
00:17:54,411 --> 00:17:57,642
This guy has wisdom to offer.
The Dalai Lama and l—

345
00:17:57,848 --> 00:18:00,544
We should listen to him some time.
We wouldn't regret it.

346
00:18:00,750 --> 00:18:03,981
And Shirley,
Shirley has earned our respect.

347
00:18:04,187 --> 00:18:07,315
Not as a wife, not as a mother,
but as a woman.

348
00:18:07,524 --> 00:18:10,049
Don't test her on that,
because that thing
about the jukebox

349
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:11,955
was too specific
to be improvised.

350
00:18:12,162 --> 00:18:15,893
And Troy.
Who cares if Troy thinks
he's all that?

351
00:18:16,266 --> 00:18:19,895
Maybe he is. You think
astronauts go to the moon
because they hate oxygen?

352
00:18:20,103 --> 00:18:23,470
No, they're trying to impress
their high school's prom king.

353
00:18:23,673 --> 00:18:26,733
And Abed. Abed's a shaman.

354
00:18:26,943 --> 00:18:30,379
You ask him to pass the salt,
he gives you a bowl of soup.

355
00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:32,741
Because you know what,
soup is better.

356
00:18:32,949 --> 00:18:34,348
Abed is better.

357
00:18:34,551 --> 00:18:37,247
You are all better
than you think you are.

358
00:18:37,454 --> 00:18:40,355
You are designed not to believe it
when you hear it from yourself.

359
00:18:40,557 --> 00:18:41,751
Soup?

360
00:18:41,958 --> 00:18:44,358
I want you to look to the person
to your left.

361
00:18:45,729 --> 00:18:47,993
Sorry. Look at the person
sitting next to you.

362
00:18:48,198 --> 00:18:49,563
Look at her. Okay.

363
00:18:49,766 --> 00:18:50,755
This—?
Yeah.

364
00:18:50,967 --> 00:18:53,868
I want you to extend
to that person

365
00:18:54,070 --> 00:18:58,029
the same compassion you extend
to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck.

366
00:18:58,241 --> 00:19:01,768
I want you to say to that person,
"l forgive you."

367
00:19:02,545 --> 00:19:03,534
I forgive you.

368
00:19:03,747 --> 00:19:05,578
I forgive you.
I forgive you.

369
00:19:05,782 --> 00:19:06,771
You little twerp.

370
00:19:06,983 --> 00:19:09,110
Pierce, I'd like you to say,
"l forgive you."

371
00:19:09,319 --> 00:19:11,844
He didn't say it?
I forgive you.

372
00:19:12,389 --> 00:19:14,687
You've just stopped being
a study group.

373
00:19:14,891 --> 00:19:18,486
You have become something
unstoppable.

374
00:19:18,695 --> 00:19:21,960
I hereby pronounce you
a community.

375
00:19:22,632 --> 00:19:24,896
Oh, that's nice.
I like that.

376
00:19:28,939 --> 00:19:30,372
This isn't like Breakfast Club
anymore.

377
00:19:30,573 --> 00:19:32,564
It's Stripes or Meatballs.
Anything with Bill Murray.

378
00:19:32,776 --> 00:19:35,244
I agree with Abed that
tonight has been very special.

379
00:19:36,613 --> 00:19:40,743
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a dinner engagement
with Britta.

380
00:19:40,951 --> 00:19:42,919
Britta?
I lied.

381
00:19:44,421 --> 00:19:45,911
Thanks for calming everyone down.

382
00:19:46,122 --> 00:19:48,784
But since you're not a Spanish tutor,
just a lying creep

383
00:19:48,992 --> 00:19:52,257
who purposely upset everyone
in an attempt to get with me.

384
00:19:52,462 --> 00:19:55,863
I'd appreciate it if you left
and stopped wasting all of our time.

385
00:19:56,066 --> 00:19:57,397
Everybody ready?

386
00:19:59,135 --> 00:20:00,466
Fine.

387
00:20:01,471 --> 00:20:03,302
And I'm happy to report

388
00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:06,441
that one of the benefits of being
a lying creep

389
00:20:06,643 --> 00:20:09,271
is having all the answers
to tomorrow's test.

390
00:20:09,479 --> 00:20:12,812
And I'm happy to share them
with anyone whose time I wasted

391
00:20:13,016 --> 00:20:14,415
more than they wasted mine.

392
00:20:14,617 --> 00:20:18,951
Jeff, if you have all the answers,
why the hell did you start this group?

393
00:20:19,155 --> 00:20:20,986
I don't have a study group.
I made it up.

394
00:20:21,191 --> 00:20:23,955
What about the speech?
Made it up. That's what I do.

395
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,493
I make things up.
And I got paid a lot of money
to do it.

396
00:20:27,697 --> 00:20:31,030
Before I came to this
school-shaped toilet,
I was a lawyer.

397
00:20:31,434 --> 00:20:34,232
Oh, man, this ruins everything.

398
00:20:34,437 --> 00:20:36,337
I thought you were like
Bill Murray in his films.

399
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,370
But you're more like
Michael Douglas in his films.

400
00:20:38,575 --> 00:20:41,135
Yeah?
Well, you have Asperger's.

401
00:20:42,812 --> 00:20:43,801
What does that mean?

402
00:20:44,014 --> 00:20:46,039
Ha, ha. Ass burger.

403
00:20:46,249 --> 00:20:48,274
It's a serious disorder.
It really is.

404
00:20:48,485 --> 00:20:50,680
If it's so serious,
why don't they call it
meningitis?

405
00:20:50,887 --> 00:20:53,082
Heh, heh. Yeah.
Heh, heh.

406
00:20:53,289 --> 00:20:55,280
Ass burger.
Burger for your ass.

407
00:21:01,097 --> 00:21:03,065
[§§§]

408
00:21:18,148 --> 00:21:21,481
Jeffrey, before you say anything,
you might want to think about the gift
you've been given.

409
00:21:21,684 --> 00:21:24,517
An excuse to punch a hippy?
No. No, not that.

410
00:21:24,721 --> 00:21:26,245
An important lesson, my friend.

411
00:21:26,456 --> 00:21:29,687
You see, the tools you acquired
to survive out there

412
00:21:29,893 --> 00:21:31,690
will not help you here
at Greendale.

413
00:21:31,895 --> 00:21:35,126
What you have, my friend,
is a second chance at an honest life.

414
00:21:35,331 --> 00:21:38,027
Why are people trying
to teach me things

415
00:21:38,234 --> 00:21:42,330
at a school that has
an express tuition aisle?
Give me my keys.

416
00:21:42,539 --> 00:21:44,666
No, I have to keep your car
for the lesson.

417
00:21:44,874 --> 00:21:46,501
Don't hit me.
Please don't hit me.

418
00:21:46,709 --> 00:21:48,040
Jeffrey? Jeffrey?

419
00:21:48,545 --> 00:21:52,140
Are we cool? Are we cool?

420
00:21:53,283 --> 00:21:54,272
We cool.

421
00:21:56,553 --> 00:21:58,748
I like you, Jeffrey.

422
00:22:00,323 --> 00:22:02,348
You remind me of myself
at your age.

423
00:22:03,860 --> 00:22:05,623
I deserve that.

424
00:22:07,330 --> 00:22:10,299
You know I've been divorced
seven times?

425
00:22:12,035 --> 00:22:14,560
Sometimes I think
I'm doing something wrong.

426
00:22:20,210 --> 00:22:22,144
You keep getting married.

427
00:22:22,846 --> 00:22:24,313
I never looked at it that way.

428
00:22:28,118 --> 00:22:29,949
Shouldn't you guys be studying?

429
00:22:30,153 --> 00:22:32,815
Yeah, things got
kind of boring
after you left.

430
00:22:33,089 --> 00:22:34,579
Let me ask you
something.

431
00:22:34,791 --> 00:22:37,919
People have been clowning me
about this jacket since I got here.

432
00:22:38,595 --> 00:22:41,996
But, if I take it off
to make them happy, that
just makes me weak, right?

433
00:22:42,198 --> 00:22:45,099
Listen, it doesn't matter.

434
00:22:45,301 --> 00:22:48,600
You lose the jacket to please them,
you keep it to piss them off.

435
00:22:48,805 --> 00:22:52,935
Either way, it's for them.
That's what's weak.

436
00:22:54,010 --> 00:22:56,035
Whoa.

437
00:22:56,813 --> 00:22:58,337
You just wrinkled my brain,
man.

438
00:22:58,548 --> 00:23:00,379
He's good, isn't he?
He's real good.

439
00:23:00,583 --> 00:23:03,677
Shouldn't you be rolling around
on a bed covered in test answers?

440
00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:11,626
I don't have any of the answers.
I'm gonna flunk the test.

441
00:23:11,828 --> 00:23:14,422
If you just, like,
study for an hour,
it's not that hard.

442
00:23:14,631 --> 00:23:16,656
You seem pretty smart.
You got a sports coat.

443
00:23:16,866 --> 00:23:19,494
Well, the funny thing
about being smart

444
00:23:19,702 --> 00:23:22,762
is you can get through most of life
without having to do work.

445
00:23:23,239 --> 00:23:27,141
So I'm not really sure
how to do that.

446
00:23:32,749 --> 00:23:34,376
Please? So sad?

447
00:23:35,885 --> 00:23:37,113
He makes me wanna—

448
00:23:39,956 --> 00:23:42,618
What's going on?
Can you guys hear me?
Am I deaf?

449
00:23:42,825 --> 00:23:44,622
Can you hear me talking right now?
Yes.

450
00:23:44,827 --> 00:23:46,488
That's good.

451
00:23:48,331 --> 00:23:51,789
You know what, Jeff, actually,
we didn't get that far without you.

452
00:23:52,001 --> 00:23:55,334
So if you wanna come
back upstairs...

453
00:23:57,941 --> 00:23:59,203
Really?

454
00:23:59,409 --> 00:24:01,502
Well, it is your study group, so...

455
00:24:01,711 --> 00:24:03,679
Come on, let's study.
Sounds good.

456
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:05,780
Come on.
Pressure.

457
00:24:15,725 --> 00:24:19,058
I'm sorry I called you
Michael Douglas.
And I see your value now.

458
00:24:21,164 --> 00:24:24,656
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

459
00:24:48,324 --> 00:24:50,292
[§§§]