1
00:00:02,090 --> 00:00:04,789
Good afternoon, Greendale.

2
00:00:04,789 --> 00:00:07,057
I am your dean
with a few corrections

3
00:00:07,057 --> 00:00:09,023
to the fall class catalogue.

4
00:00:09,023 --> 00:00:12,157
Cosmology should be
Cosmetology.

5
00:00:12,157 --> 00:00:14,090
Astrology should be
Astronomy.

6
00:00:14,090 --> 00:00:16,590
The students on the cover
should be smiling,

7
00:00:16,590 --> 00:00:18,423
but that's a matter
of opinion.

8
00:00:18,423 --> 00:00:21,057
Whoever is growing
a small patch of cannabis

9
00:00:21,057 --> 00:00:22,423
behind the gymnasium,

10
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:25,157
congratulations,
you have won a cruise.

11
00:00:25,157 --> 00:00:28,123
Report to security
to claim your tickets.

12
00:00:28,123 --> 00:00:30,457
In order to increase awareness
of homelessness,

13
00:00:30,457 --> 00:00:32,923
security has been given
binoculars.

14
00:00:32,923 --> 00:00:34,623
In campus news,

15
00:00:34,623 --> 00:00:37,457
the debate over our library's
PA system continues,

16
00:00:37,457 --> 00:00:40,457
with some students suggesting
its volume be lowered,

17
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,957
while others question
its very purpose.

18
00:00:42,957 --> 00:00:45,557
More on that story
as it unfolds.

19
00:00:45,557 --> 00:00:47,523
That dude makes a lot
of announcements.

20
00:00:47,523 --> 00:00:49,257
I like it.
It makes every 10 minutes

21
00:00:49,257 --> 00:00:50,623
feel like a new scene
of a TV show.

22
00:00:50,623 --> 00:00:53,057
The illusion lasts until
someone says something

23
00:00:53,057 --> 00:00:54,623
they never say on TV,

24
00:00:54,623 --> 00:00:56,990
like how much life is like TV.
There, it's gone.

25
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,990
Jeff's running late again.

26
00:00:58,990 --> 00:01:00,756
What a shame.
We should get started—

27
00:01:00,756 --> 00:01:04,057
No, I think we should wait
for Jeff before we start.

28
00:01:06,023 --> 00:01:08,157
But when Jeff gets here,
we could talk to him,

29
00:01:08,157 --> 00:01:09,890
as a group,
about his tardiness.

30
00:01:09,890 --> 00:01:12,157
Oh, come on now. Don't use
that word around Abed.

31
00:01:12,157 --> 00:01:15,190
If you want me to have
a chat with Jeff, I'd do it.

32
00:01:15,190 --> 00:01:18,190
We've got a bond going,
kind of, sort of like brothers.

33
00:01:18,190 --> 00:01:20,157
Hope your mom didn't make you
take baths together.

34
00:01:20,157 --> 00:01:21,890
One of you
would have been like 30.

35
00:01:21,890 --> 00:01:24,190
That's funny.
Jeff probably comes late

36
00:01:24,190 --> 00:01:26,957
so he doesn't have to
sit through your tardiness.

37
00:01:26,957 --> 00:01:29,490
Sorry, Abed.

38
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:31,423
Hey, will you guys have
some self-respect?

39
00:01:31,423 --> 00:01:33,090
You are
obsessing over someone

40
00:01:33,090 --> 00:01:34,523
who does not give you
a second thought.

41
00:01:34,523 --> 00:01:37,457
In Guatemala,
journalists are being killed

42
00:01:37,457 --> 00:01:38,657
by their own government.

43
00:01:38,657 --> 00:01:40,657
What's happening
in Guatemala?

44
00:01:40,657 --> 00:01:42,357
Nothing.

45
00:01:42,357 --> 00:01:43,990
Journalists
are being murdered?

46
00:01:43,990 --> 00:01:46,357
Every day in that country,

47
00:01:46,357 --> 00:01:48,190
people are being killed
for speaking out.

48
00:01:48,190 --> 00:01:50,223
The worst part of it is,
when it's all over...

49
00:01:50,223 --> 00:01:52,789
Spoilers.
it's as if it never happened.

50
00:01:52,789 --> 00:01:54,957
- Hey, Abed.
- Hm?

51
00:01:54,957 --> 00:01:58,123
Real stories,
they don't have spoilers.

52
00:01:58,123 --> 00:02:01,223
You understand that TV
and life are different, right?

53
00:02:01,223 --> 00:02:02,457
Hey.

54
00:02:05,390 --> 00:02:07,990
My lady.
My lord.

55
00:02:07,990 --> 00:02:09,756
Hey, baby.
Hi, sweetie.

56
00:02:09,756 --> 00:02:11,357
You smell nice. Vitamin P.

57
00:02:11,357 --> 00:02:14,290
Morning, Jeffrey. People were
jazzed to see me too.

58
00:02:14,290 --> 00:02:16,190
Word them up.
Word them everywhere.

59
00:02:16,190 --> 00:02:19,190
Good entrance. Thank you.
It was for you.

60
00:02:23,157 --> 00:02:25,357
Britta.
Hey, Jeff.

61
00:02:25,357 --> 00:02:27,323
Think there's something
that the group

62
00:02:27,323 --> 00:02:28,957
would like
to talk to you about.

63
00:02:31,490 --> 00:02:33,857
Okay. If you're gonna
study with people,

64
00:02:33,857 --> 00:02:35,423
it would be cool
to show up on time.

65
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:37,623
- Oh. Were you waiting?
- No.

66
00:02:37,623 --> 00:02:39,090
- I just got here.
- No.

67
00:02:39,090 --> 00:02:41,023
You guys usually spend
the first 20 minutes

68
00:02:41,023 --> 00:02:42,957
talking about
your interesting lives

69
00:02:42,957 --> 00:02:45,290
and your cool emotional
problems.

70
00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:47,357
I feel like I never have
anything to offer.

71
00:02:47,357 --> 00:02:49,523
- Ohh.
- No. Truth is,

72
00:02:49,523 --> 00:02:52,890
my life is emptier
than this three-ring binder.

73
00:02:52,890 --> 00:02:56,689
Annie, do you have any Spanish
notes that might fit in there?

74
00:02:56,689 --> 00:02:58,423
Wow. Double-spaced.
Thank you.

75
00:02:58,423 --> 00:03:01,323
So, what's a guy gotta do
to get a C around here?

76
00:03:33,789 --> 00:03:35,323
Good study.

77
00:03:35,323 --> 00:03:37,689
- Thanks for good study.
- See you later.

78
00:03:37,689 --> 00:03:40,223
Hey, you know what today is?

79
00:03:40,223 --> 00:03:42,957
It's the two-week anniversary
of my horrible first impression.

80
00:03:42,957 --> 00:03:44,823
There's a card for that?
Not specifically.

81
00:03:44,823 --> 00:03:47,523
But if you think of grandsons
as metaphors for friendship,

82
00:03:47,523 --> 00:03:50,023
I think you'll agree with
this Transformer here

83
00:03:50,023 --> 00:03:52,023
that it's time for ours
to become a man

84
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:53,756
by reading from the Torah.

85
00:03:53,756 --> 00:03:55,457
You're harmless enough
to me.

86
00:03:55,457 --> 00:03:58,123
A life full of ups and downs
has given me douche-ray vision.

87
00:03:58,123 --> 00:04:00,157
But those are good people
in there,

88
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,523
and they trust and respect you,

89
00:04:01,523 --> 00:04:03,722
and watching you exploit them
bums me out.

90
00:04:03,722 --> 00:04:05,123
Exploit them?
They're my friends.

91
00:04:05,123 --> 00:04:06,622
Can I bring your car around?

92
00:04:06,622 --> 00:04:11,090
No, Abed, I don't want you
bring my car around.

93
00:04:11,090 --> 00:04:12,789
I'll bring yours around,
good guy.

94
00:04:12,789 --> 00:04:14,823
You get going, all right?

95
00:04:14,823 --> 00:04:16,689
You're cute but selfish,

96
00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:19,390
and narcissistic to the point
of near-delusion.

97
00:04:21,689 --> 00:04:23,923
She said I was cute.
Tell you what. You take her.

98
00:04:23,923 --> 00:04:25,390
I have less to prove.

99
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:28,656
Jeff, you can't pursue
people so desperately.

100
00:04:28,656 --> 00:04:30,656
It starts to
creep them out.

101
00:04:30,656 --> 00:04:33,257
Why don't we get a beer?
I'll give you advice,

102
00:04:33,257 --> 00:04:36,057
and we can have what the kids
are calling a sausage fest.

103
00:04:36,057 --> 00:04:39,789
I'm not much of a sausage guy,
Pierce. Maybe next time.

104
00:04:39,789 --> 00:04:42,756
Next time then.

105
00:04:42,756 --> 00:04:45,522
Hey.

106
00:04:45,522 --> 00:04:48,622
Britta, will you tell us more
about Guatemala?

107
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,223
I wanna be political.

108
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,823
That's good. You should discover
that stuff on your own.

109
00:04:52,823 --> 00:04:56,357
We need your help. We've been
living on the wrong side.

110
00:04:56,357 --> 00:04:58,990
You're like Jodie Foster
or Susan Sarandon.

111
00:04:58,990 --> 00:05:00,890
You'd rather keep it real
than be likeable.

112
00:05:00,890 --> 00:05:02,589
Can you at least tell us
what to Google?

113
00:05:02,589 --> 00:05:05,323
You could start with the
journalist Chacata-Panecos.

114
00:05:05,323 --> 00:05:08,756
Wrote an article critical of the
government and they killed him.

115
00:05:08,756 --> 00:05:10,990
That's horrible.
Can we have a protest?

116
00:05:10,990 --> 00:05:12,457
I wanna protest something.

117
00:05:12,457 --> 00:05:14,957
A candlelight vigil,
like lesbians on the news.

118
00:05:14,957 --> 00:05:16,589
I could make brownies.

119
00:05:18,290 --> 00:05:20,023
Brownies?

120
00:05:20,023 --> 00:05:22,457
Every once in a while,
a student will ask:

121
00:05:22,457 --> 00:05:25,457
"Señor Chang,
why do you teach Spanish?"

122
00:05:28,823 --> 00:05:30,689
They say it just like that.

123
00:05:30,689 --> 00:05:34,223
"Why do you teach Spanish?"

124
00:05:34,223 --> 00:05:37,556
Why you.

125
00:05:38,689 --> 00:05:40,556
Why not math?

126
00:05:42,990 --> 00:05:45,489
Why not photography?

127
00:05:47,090 --> 00:05:49,556
Why not martial arts?

128
00:05:49,556 --> 00:05:53,923
I mean, surely it must be
in my nature to instruct you

129
00:05:53,923 --> 00:05:56,823
in something that's
ancient and secret

130
00:05:56,823 --> 00:06:00,257
like, building a wall that
you can see from outer space.

131
00:06:00,257 --> 00:06:02,257
Well, I'll tell you why
I teach Spanish.

132
00:06:02,257 --> 00:06:04,722
It is none of your business,
okay?

133
00:06:04,722 --> 00:06:08,390
Now, I don't wanna have
any conversations about what a

134
00:06:08,390 --> 00:06:11,789
mysterious,
inscrutable man I am.

135
00:06:16,857 --> 00:06:20,390
I am a Spanish genius!

136
00:06:20,390 --> 00:06:24,957
In español my nickname
is El Tigre Chino.

137
00:06:28,123 --> 00:06:31,990
Because my knowledge
will bite her face off.

138
00:06:33,689 --> 00:06:38,522
So don't question Señor Chang
or you'll get bit.

139
00:06:38,522 --> 00:06:41,890
Yeah, bit. Yeah, bit.

140
00:06:45,556 --> 00:06:48,622
Okay, Friday mañana,
we'll be having conversations

141
00:06:48,622 --> 00:06:52,057
with the rest of the class,
using some phrases we learned.

142
00:06:52,057 --> 00:06:56,190
You'll be partnering up
in pairs of dos.

143
00:06:56,190 --> 00:06:57,656
Heh.

144
00:06:57,656 --> 00:06:59,257
So if you look
under your desk,

145
00:06:59,257 --> 00:07:03,357
you will find a card with either
a picture or a word on it, okay?

146
00:07:03,357 --> 00:07:05,489
Por ejemplo, Blondie, aqui,

147
00:07:05,489 --> 00:07:08,857
has a card with a picture
of a house on it.

148
00:07:08,857 --> 00:07:10,689
So that means the person
with the card

149
00:07:10,689 --> 00:07:13,456
with the word "casa" on it
is her partner.

150
00:07:13,456 --> 00:07:16,756
Comprende, Star-Burns?

151
00:07:16,756 --> 00:07:21,589
Okay, see you Friday, find your
partners, have a great day.

152
00:07:21,589 --> 00:07:24,656
And what do we say
at the end of every class?

153
00:07:26,857 --> 00:07:29,157
Come on, hands.
Ninety percent of Spanish.

154
00:07:33,890 --> 00:07:36,890
Good.
Abed, Abed, Abed.

155
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,756
Do you want to trade cards?
No.

156
00:07:38,756 --> 00:07:41,456
I'll give you 20 bucks.

157
00:07:41,456 --> 00:07:42,756
No.

158
00:07:42,756 --> 00:07:43,990
Fifty bucks.
No.

159
00:07:43,990 --> 00:07:45,589
Don't want money.
Want your shirt.

160
00:07:45,589 --> 00:07:47,023
What?

161
00:07:47,023 --> 00:07:48,923
I've had my eye on it
since registration.

162
00:07:48,923 --> 00:07:50,789
Fine. Give me your card.

163
00:07:50,789 --> 00:07:53,322
I don't think you understand.
I wanna wear it out of here.

164
00:07:54,990 --> 00:07:57,123
Thanks. Gracias.
Gracias.

165
00:07:57,123 --> 00:07:59,157
What are the odds?

166
00:07:59,157 --> 00:08:01,489
Are you sure you didn't
adjust the odds?

167
00:08:01,489 --> 00:08:04,090
I know Abed's been eyeing
that shirt for three weeks.

168
00:08:04,090 --> 00:08:07,023
It's almost like you gave it
to him so he would switch cards.

169
00:08:07,023 --> 00:08:10,223
I gave Abed my shirt
because I'm not selfish.

170
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,223
Which is I guess
you'll discover

171
00:08:12,223 --> 00:08:14,890
while we are working on this.

172
00:08:14,890 --> 00:08:16,522
Tomorrow night?
Dinner, drinks?

173
00:08:16,522 --> 00:08:19,656
That's something we should
discuss with our partners.

174
00:08:19,656 --> 00:08:22,456
Oh, see, I did switch cards.

175
00:08:25,489 --> 00:08:28,957
Can you believe this?
What are the odds?

176
00:08:28,957 --> 00:08:30,589
That's a nice shirt.
Wanna sell it?

177
00:08:30,589 --> 00:08:31,957
Yes.

178
00:08:34,456 --> 00:08:37,057
What's the moist towelette
industry like?

179
00:08:37,057 --> 00:08:39,722
Oh, believe me,
it's nothing like the product.

180
00:08:39,722 --> 00:08:42,990
No, it's a hard,
dry, large business.

181
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,589
Destroyed all my marriages.

182
00:08:44,589 --> 00:08:47,157
It didn't help any that
I can't have children.

183
00:08:47,157 --> 00:08:49,789
I'm not sterile.
In fact it's a rare condition

184
00:08:49,789 --> 00:08:51,756
called hyper-virility.

185
00:08:51,756 --> 00:08:55,722
My sperm shoot through the egg
like bullets. Heh.

186
00:08:55,722 --> 00:08:57,722
Can you believe that?
I can't.

187
00:08:57,722 --> 00:08:59,322
But you can,
so that's fine.

188
00:08:59,322 --> 00:09:04,289
So the assignment is to write
a Spanish conversation

189
00:09:04,289 --> 00:09:06,622
using those five phrases—
Ooh.

190
00:09:06,622 --> 00:09:08,823
Hemingway's lemonade.

191
00:09:08,823 --> 00:09:10,422
Don't need to make this
a long evening.

192
00:09:10,422 --> 00:09:12,556
What am I,
a piece of garbage to you?

193
00:09:12,556 --> 00:09:15,422
What? No.

194
00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:20,422
Got you. Hey, come on,

195
00:09:20,422 --> 00:09:23,157
let's have one drink
before we work.

196
00:09:25,556 --> 00:09:27,823
Mm, mm, mm.

197
00:09:29,157 --> 00:09:30,890
To the empowerage of words.

198
00:09:30,890 --> 00:09:34,190
To the irony
of that sentence.

199
00:09:35,823 --> 00:09:37,422
So, what's up with you?

200
00:09:37,422 --> 00:09:40,722
It seems like you got a burr
up your ass or something.

201
00:09:40,722 --> 00:09:44,489
Well, I guess that it's, uh...
I think it's Britta.

202
00:09:44,489 --> 00:09:47,123
Forget Britta. All you have
to know about her is her name.

203
00:09:47,123 --> 00:09:50,489
What is she, a water filter?
I mean, heh-heh, she's ugly.

204
00:09:50,489 --> 00:09:53,256
Okay.

205
00:09:53,256 --> 00:09:55,356
Why don't we start
with me saying, donde—

206
00:09:55,356 --> 00:09:57,990
What the hell are you doing?
Our assignment.

207
00:09:57,990 --> 00:09:59,522
Oh, no, no, no.

208
00:09:59,522 --> 00:10:01,289
This is the first time
people are gonna see

209
00:10:01,289 --> 00:10:03,057
Winger and Hawthorne together.

210
00:10:03,057 --> 00:10:05,157
We're gonna show them
we're to be reckoned with.

211
00:10:05,157 --> 00:10:08,023
Come on, let's brainstorm
some story ideas.

212
00:10:10,189 --> 00:10:14,256
Better yet, before we do that,
let's ask ourselves...

213
00:10:15,456 --> 00:10:19,023
what is a story?
Oh, my God in heaven.

214
00:10:19,023 --> 00:10:24,756
Guatemala, we hate

215
00:10:24,756 --> 00:10:27,189
Guatemala, we hate

216
00:10:27,189 --> 00:10:28,990
If you like that brownie,
you're gonna hate

217
00:10:28,990 --> 00:10:31,023
what's going on in Guatemala.
Google it.

218
00:10:31,023 --> 00:10:33,256
Oh, hey, hey.
Hi.

219
00:10:33,256 --> 00:10:34,857
Raise the truth.

220
00:10:34,857 --> 00:10:37,222
Okay, once it gets dark,
I hand out the candles,

221
00:10:37,222 --> 00:10:39,222
and we do what's called
a speechless protest.

222
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:42,589
We put tape over our mouths
and gather hand in hand

223
00:10:42,589 --> 00:10:44,222
in a sea
of outraged silence.

224
00:10:50,057 --> 00:10:51,622
Star-Burns, no, no.

225
00:10:53,256 --> 00:10:55,722
What's gotten into you?
This is not how you do this.

226
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:58,556
We know it's not how you do it.
Because we're doing everything.

227
00:10:58,556 --> 00:11:01,023
But this is tacky and lame.

228
00:11:01,023 --> 00:11:04,389
I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.

229
00:11:04,389 --> 00:11:06,256
What I meant to say

230
00:11:06,256 --> 00:11:08,656
was that this cause
is really personal to me.

231
00:11:08,656 --> 00:11:12,923
Are you saying that
we're not allowed to protest?

232
00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:15,622
Britta,
you sound like Guatemala.

233
00:11:15,622 --> 00:11:18,156
Somebody has a case of
"likes to use fringe politics

234
00:11:18,156 --> 00:11:21,256
to make themselves feel special
but doesn't ever do anything."

235
00:11:21,256 --> 00:11:24,456
Itis.
No, I do things. I—

236
00:11:24,456 --> 00:11:26,189
I went to—

237
00:11:27,689 --> 00:11:30,589
I don't do anything.

238
00:11:32,289 --> 00:11:33,422
What can I do?

239
00:11:35,189 --> 00:11:37,990
You can hang
the Chacata-Panecos piñata.

240
00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:39,990
You guys realize
he was beaten to death?

241
00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:41,890
That's where we
got the idea from.

242
00:11:41,890 --> 00:11:43,522
Poignant.

243
00:11:43,522 --> 00:11:45,356
All right.

244
00:11:48,489 --> 00:11:50,990
Okay, tell me
what I've got so far.

245
00:11:50,990 --> 00:11:52,389
What we have so far?

246
00:11:52,389 --> 00:11:55,256
Well, we have something
incredibly long

247
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,522
and very confusing,
and a little homophobic.

248
00:11:57,522 --> 00:12:01,057
And really, really,
specifically, surprisingly

249
00:12:01,057 --> 00:12:02,756
and gratuitously critical
of Israel.

250
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:06,222
It's called "Two Conquistadors."
Should probably be dos.

251
00:12:06,222 --> 00:12:08,923
I mean, it is Spanish class.
Oh, which reminds me.

252
00:12:08,923 --> 00:12:10,789
The only thing not included
in this epic

253
00:12:10,789 --> 00:12:14,456
are the five phrases required
to get me a passing grade.

254
00:12:15,857 --> 00:12:17,522
You're right.
Needs more work.

255
00:12:17,522 --> 00:12:20,056
What are you guys doing?
I have no idea.

256
00:12:20,056 --> 00:12:22,356
Headed to the demonstration.
What, hippies?

257
00:12:22,356 --> 00:12:24,823
- Some cause Britta's into.
- It's a silent protest,

258
00:12:24,823 --> 00:12:28,256
lots of candles. Gets the ladies
in the mood for social change.

259
00:12:28,256 --> 00:12:29,722
Good chance to put miles
on this shirt.

260
00:12:29,722 --> 00:12:32,789
You realize these conversations
are due in the morning?

261
00:12:32,789 --> 00:12:36,156
Oh, yeah. Right.

262
00:12:37,689 --> 00:12:39,756
What do you wanna do?

263
00:12:41,029 --> 00:12:47,096
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264
00:12:48,589 --> 00:12:49,957
Pfft. Hacks.

265
00:12:49,957 --> 00:12:54,289
Okay, what do we do
about the ending of act two?

266
00:12:54,289 --> 00:12:56,122
I'll tell you
what we're going to do.

267
00:12:56,122 --> 00:12:57,756
We are gonna take this

268
00:12:57,756 --> 00:13:01,556
and we're gonna put it
in a museum for crazy people.

269
00:13:01,556 --> 00:13:04,256
Then we're gonna take this
and memorize five phrases

270
00:13:04,256 --> 00:13:07,789
tomorrow morning before class.
Good night.

271
00:13:07,789 --> 00:13:10,857
Wait a minute. You're bailing
on our first sausage fest?

272
00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:12,622
This is your definition
of friendship?

273
00:13:12,622 --> 00:13:16,489
No, this is my definition
of you trying way too hard

274
00:13:16,489 --> 00:13:19,589
and me finding it harder
and harder to stay polite.

275
00:13:19,589 --> 00:13:22,389
This was a fine way to spend
an evening devoid of hope,

276
00:13:22,389 --> 00:13:25,422
but the woman I kind of like
is out in the moonlight

277
00:13:25,422 --> 00:13:27,256
caring about something
stupid.

278
00:13:27,256 --> 00:13:30,056
This is my chance to show her
that I care enough to act

279
00:13:30,056 --> 00:13:31,989
like I care about it too.

280
00:13:31,989 --> 00:13:34,622
That's all you had to say.
That was it? Oh.

281
00:13:34,622 --> 00:13:37,489
Would've been great if I had
done that two hours ago.

282
00:14:20,122 --> 00:14:23,056
Nice sign.
Thanks.

283
00:14:23,056 --> 00:14:25,356
I like what you've done
with the place.

284
00:14:27,022 --> 00:14:31,022
I think was a little too harsh
on you. I'm not perfect.

285
00:14:31,022 --> 00:14:33,823
I am. I'd be happy
to show you the ropes.

286
00:14:33,823 --> 00:14:35,456
Awesome.

287
00:14:35,456 --> 00:14:39,089
Look at awesome
Jeffrey Winger.

288
00:14:39,089 --> 00:14:41,922
Too awesome for old Pierce

289
00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:45,989
with your hip shirts
and your gelled hair

290
00:14:45,989 --> 00:14:50,489
and your cool tape
over your mouth.

291
00:14:50,489 --> 00:14:52,989
Why is everybody wearing
tape over their mouth?

292
00:14:52,989 --> 00:14:54,756
It's a protest, Pierce.

293
00:14:54,756 --> 00:14:56,456
Oh, good.

294
00:14:56,456 --> 00:14:59,622
Because I know what I'd like to
protest. How much you hurt me.

295
00:14:59,622 --> 00:15:01,956
Conflicts like these
will bring us together

296
00:15:01,956 --> 00:15:03,656
as an unlikely family.

297
00:15:03,656 --> 00:15:05,756
You have horrible breath.

298
00:15:05,756 --> 00:15:09,022
You constantly blow me off, then
you want me to do your homework.

299
00:15:09,022 --> 00:15:11,056
Then you tell me
I'm trying too hard

300
00:15:11,056 --> 00:15:12,956
to be your friend
so you have to go.

301
00:15:12,956 --> 00:15:16,056
You had to come out here
to pretend to care

302
00:15:16,056 --> 00:15:18,989
about the stupid stuff
she cares about.

303
00:15:18,989 --> 00:15:22,056
His words, not mine.
He is paraphrasing.

304
00:15:22,056 --> 00:15:25,322
I got an idea. Why don't you
go get a cup of coffee

305
00:15:25,322 --> 00:15:28,156
and hold some waitress hostage
with a monologue about sperm.

306
00:15:28,156 --> 00:15:31,056
I'll show you
some sperm, buddy.

307
00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:34,056
Is this your idea?
What the hell? I'm on fire!

308
00:15:34,056 --> 00:15:36,689
No, I'm not ready to die.

309
00:15:38,056 --> 00:15:40,589
Oh, he's— He's—

310
00:15:40,589 --> 00:15:43,289
He's jumped in the fountain.

311
00:15:43,289 --> 00:15:46,089
- He's fine.
- Please call 911.

312
00:15:50,522 --> 00:15:53,189
Have you seen it?
We did it, girl. Page three.

313
00:15:53,189 --> 00:15:55,589
It's about Pierce,
but listen to that paragraph.

314
00:15:55,589 --> 00:15:57,656
"The incident occurred
during a protest"

315
00:15:57,656 --> 00:16:00,089
"regarding events
in Guatemala." Awareness!

316
00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:02,022
This is a real damn newspaper.

317
00:16:02,022 --> 00:16:03,356
There's a Marmaduke in here.

318
00:16:03,356 --> 00:16:05,389
It's more than
I ever accomplished.

319
00:16:05,389 --> 00:16:07,422
Did you know about the
ethnic cleansing in Burma?

320
00:16:07,422 --> 00:16:09,089
We need to bust out
that brownie mix.

321
00:16:14,456 --> 00:16:17,056
Morning.
Morning.

322
00:16:17,056 --> 00:16:18,756
Oh, no, I get it.

323
00:16:18,756 --> 00:16:21,956
Garfield's wishing me a Arbor
Day, you'd like a fresh start.

324
00:16:21,956 --> 00:16:24,022
Nice try.
It's actually Secretaries Day.

325
00:16:24,022 --> 00:16:26,222
It says I'm sorry about
crashing your protest

326
00:16:26,222 --> 00:16:28,589
with that drunken,
self-immolating baby boomer.

327
00:16:28,589 --> 00:16:31,556
We don't blame you. Pierce has
always been on my watch list.

328
00:16:31,556 --> 00:16:34,756
That dude is crazy. He told me
girls have two pee holes.

329
00:16:34,756 --> 00:16:36,456
I sang carols at a nursing home.

330
00:16:36,456 --> 00:16:39,222
I've seen the face of dementia,
and last night, I saw it again.

331
00:16:39,222 --> 00:16:43,222
You know what he did
that's really crazy?

332
00:16:43,222 --> 00:16:46,989
He offered me a $100
to switch cards with him

333
00:16:46,989 --> 00:16:49,256
just so he could be
partners with Jeff.

334
00:16:49,256 --> 00:16:51,422
I think he thought getting
closer to Jeff

335
00:16:51,422 --> 00:16:53,689
would bring him respect
in the group.

336
00:16:53,689 --> 00:16:57,089
I think he spent his whole life
looking out for himself,

337
00:16:57,089 --> 00:17:01,889
and he would trade it all
for a shot at some family.

338
00:17:08,022 --> 00:17:09,989
- Hola, class.
- Hola.

339
00:17:09,989 --> 00:17:11,522
Time for our presentations.

340
00:17:11,522 --> 00:17:14,256
First up was supposed
to be Jeff and Pierce,

341
00:17:14,256 --> 00:17:16,456
but Pierce explained
the situation to me.

342
00:17:16,456 --> 00:17:19,656
There was a falling out, things
were said, people were betrayed.

343
00:17:19,656 --> 00:17:21,622
Wow.

344
00:17:21,622 --> 00:17:24,389
Jeff, having heard
Pierce's side of the story,

345
00:17:24,389 --> 00:17:27,822
the only humane thing to do
would be to give you a C

346
00:17:27,822 --> 00:17:29,889
and let Pierce do
his presentation alone.

347
00:17:29,889 --> 00:17:32,822
If that sounds fair to you.

348
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,289
That doesn't sound fair
to me at all.

349
00:17:39,289 --> 00:17:41,788
I understand if you don't
wanna be my friend.

350
00:17:41,788 --> 00:17:43,456
But this thing that
we've created,

351
00:17:43,456 --> 00:17:46,189
it is bigger than
the both of us,

352
00:17:46,189 --> 00:17:49,689
and it deserves
to be done right.

353
00:17:51,656 --> 00:17:53,189
All right.

354
00:17:54,956 --> 00:17:57,422
Okay, um, guys, why are
there costumes involved?

355
00:17:57,422 --> 00:17:59,956
These are short conversations.
They're not supposed to take—

356
00:17:59,956 --> 00:18:01,522
Your breath away?

357
00:18:02,755 --> 00:18:04,822
Well, tough.

358
00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:06,989
You ready, amigo?
Si.

359
00:19:29,489 --> 00:19:31,788
F, F-minus.

360
00:19:31,788 --> 00:19:33,889
What?

361
00:19:33,889 --> 00:19:36,422
What? Did you say S?

362
00:19:40,589 --> 00:19:42,956
So...

363
00:19:42,956 --> 00:19:45,322
that was one of the worst
things I have ever seen.

364
00:19:45,322 --> 00:19:49,389
Which I guess makes being a part
of it a pretty selfless act.

365
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:50,922
So I'm impressed.

366
00:19:50,922 --> 00:19:52,189
How do you know
I didn't do it

367
00:19:52,189 --> 00:19:54,522
just to get another shot
at you?

368
00:19:54,522 --> 00:19:57,056
A smart guy like you would know
that no woman in that class

369
00:19:57,056 --> 00:19:58,422
will be able to look at you

370
00:19:58,422 --> 00:20:00,889
as a sexually viable candidate
ever again.

371
00:20:03,056 --> 00:20:06,456
No, I know.
I thought of that.

372
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:09,189
She looked back.

373
00:20:09,189 --> 00:20:10,456
Aah!

374
00:20:10,456 --> 00:20:13,688
You did an all right job
up there, my friend.

375
00:20:13,688 --> 00:20:15,289
Thanks, Pierce.

376
00:20:15,289 --> 00:20:17,489
You got this thing you do
with your face

377
00:20:17,489 --> 00:20:19,889
when you're trying to be
funny, forces people

378
00:20:19,889 --> 00:20:22,788
to think about how cool
you think you are.

379
00:21:02,788 --> 00:21:04,721
Yeah, boy, boy.

380
00:21:04,721 --> 00:21:07,189
Yeah.
What? It's 2009.

381
00:21:07,189 --> 00:21:08,989
Word.

382
00:21:09,824 --> 00:21:19,814
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