1
00:00:01,699 --> 00:00:03,834
As you know,
all faculty at Greendale

2
00:00:03,834 --> 00:00:05,769
are required to give
extra credit

3
00:00:05,769 --> 00:00:08,672
to students who organize
academically-related events

4
00:00:08,672 --> 00:00:13,611
during what would otherwise
be known as our "free time."

5
00:00:13,611 --> 00:00:15,613
No student
in any department

6
00:00:15,613 --> 00:00:19,216
has ever exercised this option
until now.

7
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Tonight, in the library,
I will be hosting

8
00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:26,957
a Día de los Muertos party.
Just relax, just relax.

9
00:00:26,957 --> 00:00:30,394
Día de los Muertos,
or Day of the Dead,

10
00:00:30,394 --> 00:00:32,863
is sometimes referred to
as Mexican Halloween.

11
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Which is quite offensive
to people

12
00:00:34,798 --> 00:00:38,636
familiar with Mexican Halloween
as a sexual position.

13
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At any rate, if you show up,
you get extra credit.

14
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Me, I don't even get paid.

15
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See you tonight.

16
00:00:49,747 --> 00:00:50,848
Um...

17
00:00:50,848 --> 00:00:52,816
Most of you responded
to my e-vite,

18
00:00:52,816 --> 00:00:55,986
but some of you
remain evasive, so...

19
00:00:55,986 --> 00:00:58,356
Count me in.
This is my first college party.

20
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I got some tequila,

21
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and I just rented Van Wilder 2:
the Rise of Taj, and look.

22
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You took off your wedding ring.

23
00:01:04,995 --> 00:01:07,465
My husband's been gone
for six months.

24
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I think it's time for me
to embrace being single.

25
00:01:09,933 --> 00:01:12,069
Message received.

26
00:01:12,069 --> 00:01:13,871
I'm waiting to hear
from Jeff and Pierce.

27
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I thought I shot you a response
from this pocket phone here.

28
00:01:17,441 --> 00:01:18,809
Access e-mail.

29
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You're not going
to Annie's party?

30
00:01:20,611 --> 00:01:23,814
Oh, it conflicts
with the enjoyment of my life.

31
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I cannot figure out the voice
command part of this thing.

32
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It's like I'm my mother.

33
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Calling mother.

34
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What?

35
00:01:31,555 --> 00:01:32,823
Speaking of enjoying life,

36
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I don't wanna beat
a dead horse,

37
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but are you sure you don't see
anything non-platonic

38
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ever crystallizing between us?
I'm sure.

39
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Good. One of my professors
is really hot.

40
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And I wanted to give you
first right of refusal.

41
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Hello? Pierce?

42
00:01:44,802 --> 00:01:46,637
Mom?
How's school going?

43
00:01:46,637 --> 00:01:48,572
Are you popular?

44
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I am headed through a tunnel
right now.

45
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Wrong number.

46
00:01:54,745 --> 00:01:57,114
Has that boy Jeff
stopped teasing you?

47
00:01:57,114 --> 00:01:59,483
How's your Canadian girlfriend?

48
00:02:01,051 --> 00:02:02,653
I saw your father's ghost
again.

49
00:02:02,653 --> 00:02:04,287
He's still angry.

50
00:02:31,114 --> 00:02:34,117
The Bernoulli Distribution
is the number of successes

51
00:02:34,117 --> 00:02:38,789
in a sequence of
independent yes-no experiments.

52
00:02:38,789 --> 00:02:43,126
Okay. For the quiz, Monday
brush up on chapters 3 and 4.

53
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Bernoulli's one of
my favorites.

54
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Little known fact: statistics
were not his only love.

55
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He's famous for his French sauce
used on meat and poultry.

56
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That's béarnaise.

57
00:02:54,805 --> 00:02:56,507
We may need to settle this
at a restaurant.

58
00:02:56,507 --> 00:02:58,976
That's cute.
A little aggressive.

59
00:02:58,976 --> 00:03:00,744
But as a busy,
confident woman of authority,

60
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I'm attracted to men
who take charge.

61
00:03:02,145 --> 00:03:04,047
Are you being sarcastic
or am I nailing it?

62
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You were nailing it
until you had to ask.

63
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Oh, damn it.
Starting over.

64
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Hey, you in the skirt, date me.
I'd like to, Mr. Winger.

65
00:03:10,788 --> 00:03:12,422
You're tall, you dress nice.

66
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I've graded enough of your tests
to know I'd never feel

67
00:03:14,658 --> 00:03:16,460
mentally inadequate.
Thank you.

68
00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:18,562
Only problem,
I don't date students.

69
00:03:21,665 --> 00:03:23,300
You know, if you agree to go—

70
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Oh. Hey. Awkward.

71
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How small is this campus?

72
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Bastard.

73
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It's fine, I don't care.

74
00:03:29,439 --> 00:03:30,908
It's disgusting
the way men behave.

75
00:03:30,908 --> 00:03:32,776
You ever see that Katherine
Heigl movie poster,

76
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where Gerard Butler
had that heart over his wiener?

77
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That resonated with me.
Okay, fine. But just to repeat,

78
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I don't care what Jeff does.

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Bastard.

80
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I'm barely a student.

81
00:03:41,552 --> 00:03:43,120
I'm older than you,
I drive a Lexus.

82
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I saw Ghost Busters
in the theater.

83
00:03:44,688 --> 00:03:46,790
Look, my gums are receding.
It's uncanny

84
00:03:46,790 --> 00:03:48,425
how many of my buttons
you're finding,

85
00:03:48,425 --> 00:03:50,460
but I have a personal rule
about this and I stick to it.

86
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Have a cup of coffee with me,
I can change your mind.

87
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I know you can.

88
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That's why you're not
getting the chance.

89
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Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo.

90
00:04:00,504 --> 00:04:02,540
Are you coming to my party?

91
00:04:02,540 --> 00:04:04,074
I'm definitely gonna try
to swing by.

92
00:04:04,074 --> 00:04:06,143
Then I can mark you down
as definitely being there

93
00:04:06,143 --> 00:04:07,945
from 7:00 sharp
until question mark?

94
00:04:07,945 --> 00:04:10,113
Here's the thing—
No, here's the thing.

95
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I am putting my foot down,
do you understand?

96
00:04:12,282 --> 00:04:15,786
I am being assertive,
and I am making eye contact,

97
00:04:15,786 --> 00:04:17,621
and it is achieving results.

98
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Are you trying to get
formidable with me?

99
00:04:19,289 --> 00:04:21,759
It worked on Pierce.
Infomercials work on Pierce.

100
00:04:21,759 --> 00:04:25,195
Jeff, you're the cool guy, okay?

101
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If you show up, it will be
the first party I host

102
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where everyone doesn't say
they need to get home in time

103
00:04:29,499 --> 00:04:31,034
for the news.

104
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This won't work.

105
00:04:33,370 --> 00:04:35,839
The last time you did this,
I saved a vial of your tears.

106
00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:37,641
And I've been slowly
building up an immunity.

107
00:04:37,641 --> 00:04:39,743
I was so unpopular
in high school,

108
00:04:39,743 --> 00:04:43,413
the crossing guard
used to lure me into traffic.

109
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This party is a second chance

110
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at being hip, cool,

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laid-back.

112
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Look, I will come to your party.
Thank you.

113
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I'm putting you down
for two bags of ice

114
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and a sleeve of paper cups.

115
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Taking a pill?

116
00:05:18,816 --> 00:05:20,851
Yes, I am.
"Xenolovaden."

117
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My grandpa took that
around your age.

118
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Fantastic.

119
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Helped him
with his going problem.

120
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By the time Grandpa
got up in years,

121
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his memory wasn't great.
He'd mix the wrong pills.

122
00:05:28,358 --> 00:05:30,393
You know how old people are.
Heard stories about it.

123
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One time he ran down the street
with no pants on,

124
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which in the Gaza Strip
is considered a real party foul

125
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so you should probably
be careful.

126
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Look, I really don't need
your advice,

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and I'm not your pantsless
grandpa.

128
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"Pantsless grandpa."

129
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Scary.

130
00:05:49,813 --> 00:05:51,982
You look great.

131
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Hi.

132
00:05:53,450 --> 00:05:54,885
Britta,

133
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you look adorable.
Thank you.

134
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I hate when women use Halloween
as an excuse

135
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to dress up like sluts,
you know?

136
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Yeah.

137
00:06:03,326 --> 00:06:06,964
Okay, everyone.
I think we can begin.

138
00:06:06,964 --> 00:06:10,634
I've got everyone's
personalized cookie tombstones,

139
00:06:10,634 --> 00:06:12,269
por tradición.

140
00:06:12,269 --> 00:06:13,937
And, in a few minutes
we're going to start

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00:06:13,937 --> 00:06:15,939
the Dance of the Dead,

142
00:06:15,939 --> 00:06:17,708
La Danza de los Muertos.

143
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You don't have to keep
doing that.

144
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Party on.

145
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Nice of you to be here,

146
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I'm sure you'd rather be out
with your hot professor.

147
00:06:31,388 --> 00:06:33,190
It's funny.
I enrolled as a selfish loner.

148
00:06:33,190 --> 00:06:35,693
But you and the group have given
me a crash course in friendship.

149
00:06:35,693 --> 00:06:37,494
She blew you off, huh?
She's grading papers.

150
00:06:37,494 --> 00:06:38,896
Professor Slater?

151
00:06:38,896 --> 00:06:40,097
She's not grading papers.

152
00:06:40,097 --> 00:06:41,832
She's at the faculty party.

153
00:06:41,832 --> 00:06:43,934
Oh, look.
It's the eavesdropping matador.

154
00:06:45,068 --> 00:06:47,070
Are you saying
my people are sneaky?

155
00:06:47,070 --> 00:06:48,672
What?

156
00:06:48,672 --> 00:06:51,208
There is a storm building
on the horizon.

157
00:06:51,208 --> 00:06:55,078
You and I will save the night.
Chex mix, pretzels, carrots.

158
00:06:55,078 --> 00:06:57,314
Predictable but appetizing.

159
00:06:58,949 --> 00:07:01,551
Hey. Can I ask you something
I always wanted to ask

160
00:07:01,551 --> 00:07:03,353
the real Batman?
Yeah.

161
00:07:04,421 --> 00:07:05,655
Am I good-looking?

162
00:07:05,655 --> 00:07:07,524
You're a very attractive
young man.

163
00:07:07,524 --> 00:07:09,192
I knew it.

164
00:07:12,529 --> 00:07:14,597
Let's get this party started.

165
00:07:14,597 --> 00:07:16,066
Who are you?

166
00:07:16,066 --> 00:07:18,068
I am the Beastmaster.

167
00:07:19,169 --> 00:07:20,771
From the movie, Beastmaster.

168
00:07:22,405 --> 00:07:25,008
What rock
have you been living under?

169
00:07:25,008 --> 00:07:27,610
What are you going as?
A gay douche bag?

170
00:07:27,610 --> 00:07:28,979
Just kidding.
Nice one.

171
00:07:28,979 --> 00:07:30,480
I'm not much of a costume guy.

172
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,682
You're not much of
a liking-ladies guy either.

173
00:07:32,682 --> 00:07:34,317
Oh. Body blow.

174
00:07:34,317 --> 00:07:35,452
Is that liquor?

175
00:07:36,787 --> 00:07:37,988
Hello.

176
00:07:37,988 --> 00:07:39,422
Here's your drinks, mates.

177
00:07:39,422 --> 00:07:40,791
Oh. Thanks, Urkel.

178
00:07:40,791 --> 00:07:42,125
I'm Harry Potter.

179
00:07:42,125 --> 00:07:44,728
Really?
What up, Urkel?

180
00:07:54,337 --> 00:07:56,706
Hey.
Oh!

181
00:07:56,706 --> 00:07:59,743
All right.
What are you taking?

182
00:07:59,743 --> 00:08:01,111
Huh? Oh.

183
00:08:01,111 --> 00:08:03,113
You know,
the usual cool stuff.

184
00:08:03,113 --> 00:08:07,117
I've got 'ludes, dreamers,
Johnny Boys.

185
00:08:07,117 --> 00:08:11,822
Tell you what, I'll trade you
one of mine for two of yours.

186
00:08:11,822 --> 00:08:14,224
I don't know,
Star-Burns, I'm—

187
00:08:14,224 --> 00:08:17,060
Sorry, I thought I was dealing
with the Beastmaster.

188
00:08:17,060 --> 00:08:19,763
Hey. Who said you weren't?

189
00:08:20,931 --> 00:08:23,133
Saddle up, fruit pie.

190
00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:25,235
Don't mind if I do.
May I?

191
00:08:26,503 --> 00:08:28,371
Here, take this.

192
00:08:28,371 --> 00:08:30,373
Give anyone that shows up
their stupid credit.

193
00:08:30,373 --> 00:08:32,609
You going to the faculty party?
Make me your plus one.

194
00:08:32,609 --> 00:08:33,944
Give it up, Winger.

195
00:08:33,944 --> 00:08:36,246
Professor Slater
doesn't date students.

196
00:08:37,380 --> 00:08:39,817
Or married Asians
who drive mopeds.

197
00:08:39,817 --> 00:08:41,751
I'll give you 20 bucks.

198
00:08:42,786 --> 00:08:44,754
I'll bring the hog around.

199
00:08:56,366 --> 00:08:59,837
Okay, it's time
for the Dance of the Dead.

200
00:08:59,837 --> 00:09:01,571
Everyone form a circle.

201
00:09:01,571 --> 00:09:04,174
Lights. Music.

202
00:09:04,174 --> 00:09:06,877
Is it under genre
or on a specific play list?

203
00:09:08,111 --> 00:09:10,413
Hey, man,
what'd you slip me?

204
00:09:10,413 --> 00:09:13,683
I keep grinding my teeth
and I wanna kiss everybody.

205
00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:15,218
What did you slip me, man?

206
00:09:15,218 --> 00:09:18,088
My heart stopped racing
and I can't pee.

207
00:09:18,088 --> 00:09:20,323
Now, for the first dance,

208
00:09:20,323 --> 00:09:23,560
I would like to invite a very
special guest to the floor.

209
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:24,928
Jeff Winger?

210
00:09:29,632 --> 00:09:31,401
Jeff?

211
00:09:31,401 --> 00:09:32,769
Where's Jeff?

212
00:09:32,769 --> 00:09:35,438
Please slow down.

213
00:09:35,438 --> 00:09:37,207
- Please.
- Stop crying, Winger.

214
00:09:37,207 --> 00:09:39,042
Watch it!

215
00:09:39,042 --> 00:09:40,477
Is Jeff gone?

216
00:09:42,412 --> 00:09:45,248
You know, I'm gonna go.
I don't wanna miss the news.

217
00:09:45,248 --> 00:09:46,383
News.

218
00:09:47,684 --> 00:09:50,387
He just stepped out.
He's gonna be right back.

219
00:09:53,056 --> 00:09:55,192
He's going to
the faculty party.

220
00:09:55,192 --> 00:09:57,827
To be with Professor
Short Skirt? We hate her.

221
00:09:57,827 --> 00:09:59,997
No, it's not about her,
Shirley.

222
00:09:59,997 --> 00:10:01,965
I can't believe that Jeff
would do this to Annie.

223
00:10:01,965 --> 00:10:04,267
Yes, absolutely,
it's about Annie.

224
00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:05,802
We should go find
that bitch's car

225
00:10:05,802 --> 00:10:07,570
and snap off her antenna.

226
00:10:08,972 --> 00:10:11,074
It's like high school
all over again.

227
00:10:11,074 --> 00:10:12,575
Everyone's leaving.

228
00:10:13,643 --> 00:10:15,178
Not me.

229
00:10:15,178 --> 00:10:17,247
I can do this all night.

230
00:10:18,648 --> 00:10:20,250
I love you.

231
00:10:30,127 --> 00:10:31,528
There you go, pretty lady.

232
00:10:31,528 --> 00:10:32,729
What are you doing here?

233
00:10:32,729 --> 00:10:34,564
Showing you my non-student side.

234
00:10:34,564 --> 00:10:36,533
I have to admit,
this outfit is doing it for me.

235
00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:38,201
I may or may not
have been deflowered

236
00:10:38,201 --> 00:10:39,469
by a junior rodeo champion.

237
00:10:39,469 --> 00:10:41,271
You remind me
of my first time too.

238
00:10:41,271 --> 00:10:42,872
You lost your virginity
to Robin Hood?

239
00:10:42,872 --> 00:10:45,208
No, with an attractive woman
at a party.

240
00:10:45,208 --> 00:10:46,876
We seem destined
to repeat history.

241
00:10:46,876 --> 00:10:48,878
I told you, no students.
It's unseemly.

242
00:10:48,878 --> 00:10:50,981
I go out with you,
you tell your friends.

243
00:10:50,981 --> 00:10:52,916
What friends?
I have no friends.

244
00:10:52,916 --> 00:10:54,817
I hate everyone here
but you.

245
00:10:54,817 --> 00:10:56,486
Hey.
What are you doing here?

246
00:10:56,486 --> 00:10:57,687
What are you doing here?

247
00:10:57,687 --> 00:11:00,657
You should be over
at the library with Annie.

248
00:11:00,657 --> 00:11:04,194
Whoa. Yippee ki-yay.

249
00:11:04,194 --> 00:11:05,462
Thought you weren't
a costume guy.

250
00:11:05,462 --> 00:11:07,064
Had to have one to get in,
squirrel.

251
00:11:07,064 --> 00:11:08,831
Oh. So where did you get it?

252
00:11:08,831 --> 00:11:11,434
I wouldn't think any costume
stores would be open this late.

253
00:11:11,434 --> 00:11:13,403
I don't know
what you're getting at.

254
00:11:13,403 --> 00:11:16,206
The words you're looking for
are, "I own a cowboy outfit."

255
00:11:16,206 --> 00:11:18,875
And it is tight too.
Did you buy it like that?

256
00:11:18,875 --> 00:11:20,944
Your toy gun to my head,
I'd say yes.

257
00:11:20,944 --> 00:11:22,946
Hi, Michelle Slater, PhD.

258
00:11:22,946 --> 00:11:24,214
Britta Perry, GED.

259
00:11:24,214 --> 00:11:26,183
Oh, are you a classmate
of Jeff's?

260
00:11:26,183 --> 00:11:27,584
When you say classmate,
it sounds like

261
00:11:27,584 --> 00:11:29,486
we take naps together
and eat paste.

262
00:11:29,486 --> 00:11:31,354
What's great about
community college is

263
00:11:31,354 --> 00:11:34,224
is that a lot of the students
are as mature as the teachers.

264
00:11:34,224 --> 00:11:36,726
Jeff, you must return
to Annie's party.

265
00:11:36,726 --> 00:11:38,295
She's feeling unpopular.

266
00:11:38,295 --> 00:11:40,697
Jeff, Pierce took something
and he is tripping balls.

267
00:11:40,697 --> 00:11:42,865
He's touching people
and dancing weird.

268
00:11:42,865 --> 00:11:45,035
It's like Grumpy Old Men,
but not hilarious.

269
00:11:45,035 --> 00:11:49,672
Okay. Guys, I'm at a grown-up
Halloween party, all right?

270
00:11:49,672 --> 00:11:51,008
You're all being unseemly.

271
00:11:51,008 --> 00:11:53,310
Oh, no.
How are we unseemly?

272
00:11:53,310 --> 00:11:55,912
Why is Urkel ripping
the antenna

273
00:11:55,912 --> 00:11:57,747
off Professor Slater's car?

274
00:11:59,049 --> 00:12:00,517
That's right,
Professor Slim Calves.

275
00:12:00,517 --> 00:12:02,119
This is what you get when
you steal Jeff

276
00:12:02,119 --> 00:12:03,720
from a good woman.

277
00:12:07,790 --> 00:12:09,692
No, Abed.

278
00:12:19,036 --> 00:12:21,471
Is he meowing?
Yeah.

279
00:12:21,471 --> 00:12:23,940
Enough.
I want you guys out of here.

280
00:12:23,940 --> 00:12:26,709
Britta, I don't care about
your high school soap opera.

281
00:12:26,709 --> 00:12:28,345
Abed, you're not Batman.

282
00:12:29,246 --> 00:12:31,448
Pierce, Pierce, Pierce.

283
00:12:31,448 --> 00:12:34,117
Stop grinding on the Women's
Studies department.

284
00:12:34,117 --> 00:12:36,786
You are too old to be tripping.

285
00:12:36,786 --> 00:12:38,888
I'm old?

286
00:12:38,888 --> 00:12:41,124
What do you mean old?

287
00:12:43,226 --> 00:12:44,994
Whose hands are these?

288
00:12:48,798 --> 00:12:51,034
Stop me.
Way to go.

289
00:12:51,034 --> 00:12:54,104
I know I'm not Batman.
You could try not being a jerk.

290
00:12:55,238 --> 00:12:57,140
She's pretty hot.

291
00:12:59,542 --> 00:13:02,011
Well, where were we,
little doggie?

292
00:13:02,011 --> 00:13:04,381
Unseemly.
Yeah, crap.

293
00:13:09,719 --> 00:13:12,389
Shirley?

294
00:13:15,858 --> 00:13:17,727
Shirley?

295
00:13:17,727 --> 00:13:19,529
This is Professor
Robin Hood's office.

296
00:13:19,529 --> 00:13:21,564
What are you doing?
Putting this hose in her desk.

297
00:13:21,564 --> 00:13:24,301
You turn the water on.
Why?

298
00:13:24,301 --> 00:13:26,703
To teach that long neck,
weave-having bank teller

299
00:13:26,703 --> 00:13:29,106
she can't steal another
woman's man, that's why.

300
00:13:30,039 --> 00:13:31,608
Uh...

301
00:13:34,277 --> 00:13:35,712
I have a confession to make.

302
00:13:35,712 --> 00:13:38,181
I think some
of what I just said

303
00:13:38,181 --> 00:13:40,217
may have more to do
with my situation.

304
00:13:40,217 --> 00:13:42,051
Yeah, the long neck,
weave-having bank teller

305
00:13:42,051 --> 00:13:44,154
didn't feel universal.

306
00:13:44,154 --> 00:13:46,323
My ex-husband
came by this morning,

307
00:13:46,323 --> 00:13:49,759
and he asked
for his ring back.

308
00:13:49,759 --> 00:13:50,993
It was his mother's,

309
00:13:50,993 --> 00:13:53,996
and he wants to give it
to his new girlfriend.

310
00:13:53,996 --> 00:13:56,299
Shirley, that sucks.

311
00:13:56,299 --> 00:13:58,568
The best thing that ever
happened to me was him leaving.

312
00:13:58,568 --> 00:14:01,438
I just always thought
he'd come crawling back,

313
00:14:01,438 --> 00:14:03,873
and I'd get to tell him
to go to hell.

314
00:14:05,242 --> 00:14:07,244
He couldn't even
give me that.

315
00:14:09,011 --> 00:14:10,847
You know what the crazy
thing is?

316
00:14:10,847 --> 00:14:13,082
Everything you've done tonight?

317
00:14:15,752 --> 00:14:18,054
It's like I was too proud
to admit I was hurt,

318
00:14:18,054 --> 00:14:21,023
so I had to pretend
that you were.

319
00:14:21,023 --> 00:14:23,059
I totally get that.

320
00:14:23,059 --> 00:14:25,262
I feel better now.

321
00:14:26,129 --> 00:14:27,597
Let's go check on Annie.

322
00:14:31,768 --> 00:14:34,704
Can you believe
I targeted this poor lady?

323
00:14:34,704 --> 00:14:37,840
Look at all these awards,
I bet she's nice.

324
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,742
Yeah.

325
00:14:39,742 --> 00:14:42,845
Nice and pretentious.

326
00:14:52,489 --> 00:14:53,690
Pierce, are you okay?

327
00:14:55,392 --> 00:14:57,627
Hey, man, what's going on?

328
00:14:57,627 --> 00:15:00,096
You have a full-on erection.

329
00:15:00,096 --> 00:15:02,098
Just relax. Relax, man.

330
00:15:02,098 --> 00:15:04,634
Just relax, okay?

331
00:15:07,404 --> 00:15:09,306
You are too old to be tripping.

332
00:15:11,674 --> 00:15:14,377
You're going to die.

333
00:15:14,377 --> 00:15:16,679
You are too old to be tripping.

334
00:15:16,679 --> 00:15:18,681
Tell me about The Beatles,
Pierce.

335
00:15:18,681 --> 00:15:23,119
Tell me about Woodstock
and sputnik, Pierce.

336
00:15:37,166 --> 00:15:38,568
Do I feel a breeze here?

337
00:15:38,568 --> 00:15:40,703
Because someone
just struck out.

338
00:15:40,703 --> 00:15:42,972
She blew you off too,
Chang.

339
00:15:42,972 --> 00:15:45,007
Is that what you have
to fall back on?

340
00:15:45,007 --> 00:15:46,776
Look at me, bro.
Look at me.

341
00:15:46,776 --> 00:15:49,246
I've got the body
of a fifth grader, okay?

342
00:15:49,246 --> 00:15:50,847
If I was working
with what you've got,

343
00:15:50,847 --> 00:15:52,782
she'd be at the Comfort Inn
right now

344
00:15:52,782 --> 00:15:54,351
giving me
a Mexican Halloween.

345
00:15:54,351 --> 00:15:56,986
It's this campus.
It feeds on my coolness.

346
00:15:56,986 --> 00:15:58,255
I got no moves anymore.

347
00:15:58,255 --> 00:15:59,622
Moves?

348
00:15:59,622 --> 00:16:02,024
Everything's a game
to guys like you.

349
00:16:02,024 --> 00:16:05,828
I know one move I bet
you've never tried in your life.

350
00:16:05,828 --> 00:16:07,630
What is it?

351
00:16:16,706 --> 00:16:19,075
Please sleep with me.
Please.

352
00:16:19,075 --> 00:16:20,977
Pretty please.
I'm so lonely.

353
00:16:20,977 --> 00:16:23,313
I haven't slept with anyone
in a very long time,

354
00:16:23,313 --> 00:16:24,714
and you're so good-looking.

355
00:16:24,714 --> 00:16:27,717
Please do me the favor
of having sex with me.

356
00:16:32,922 --> 00:16:34,190
Okay. Stay three steps behind

357
00:16:34,190 --> 00:16:35,525
and promise
you won't tell anybody.

358
00:16:35,525 --> 00:16:38,761
I promise. I promise.

359
00:16:51,073 --> 00:16:53,743
Everybody stay out
of the library.

360
00:16:53,743 --> 00:16:56,613
Pierce, it's okay.
Come out of there.

361
00:16:56,613 --> 00:16:58,114
No, I'm not ready to die.

362
00:16:58,114 --> 00:16:59,816
- You're not gonna die.
- Look at me.

363
00:16:59,816 --> 00:17:02,552
Just keep walking.
Don't make eye contact.

364
00:17:02,552 --> 00:17:05,187
Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

365
00:17:05,187 --> 00:17:06,489
Pierce is freaking out.

366
00:17:06,489 --> 00:17:07,990
You're the only one
that can help.

367
00:17:07,990 --> 00:17:10,126
- What makes you think that?
- Is Jeff there?

368
00:17:10,126 --> 00:17:11,861
He's the only one who can help.

369
00:17:11,861 --> 00:17:14,130
He says he's gonna kill himself
but doesn't want us to call 911

370
00:17:14,130 --> 00:17:17,467
because he doesn't wanna get
in trouble for taking drugs.

371
00:17:20,970 --> 00:17:23,340
I can't believe
I'm doing this.

372
00:17:24,674 --> 00:17:26,509
I, uh...

373
00:17:27,777 --> 00:17:30,913
I think I have to say
good night.

374
00:17:30,913 --> 00:17:33,883
Are you, like, a court appointed
guardian for these people?

375
00:17:33,883 --> 00:17:37,219
No. Um...

376
00:17:37,219 --> 00:17:39,155
They're my classmates.

377
00:17:39,155 --> 00:17:40,657
Good night, Jeff.

378
00:17:46,496 --> 00:17:48,665
Loser!

379
00:17:57,139 --> 00:17:59,275
What in the Pink Floyd?

380
00:17:59,275 --> 00:18:03,646
I'm gonna crush myself to death
with desks and tables, Jeff.

381
00:18:03,646 --> 00:18:05,515
Is that a death
befitting a beastmaster?

382
00:18:05,515 --> 00:18:09,285
I never saw Beastmaster,
I just wanted to be cool.

383
00:18:09,285 --> 00:18:11,354
I'm coming in there, Pierce.

384
00:18:19,829 --> 00:18:22,098
Those floating Mexican
skeletons were right.

385
00:18:22,098 --> 00:18:23,733
My life is over.

386
00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:28,304
Well, when we go to floating
skeletons with our problems,

387
00:18:28,304 --> 00:18:30,973
we get what we pay for,
don't we?

388
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:35,044
I'm old, Jeff.

389
00:18:35,044 --> 00:18:37,747
Pierce, I don't know how
you spent the first 60 years,

390
00:18:37,747 --> 00:18:39,882
but I know
in the last two months,

391
00:18:39,882 --> 00:18:42,318
you've probably doubled
the national average

392
00:18:42,318 --> 00:18:44,887
for amount of life lived
per lifetime.

393
00:18:46,423 --> 00:18:49,258
Well, I do have a young
African-American friend.

394
00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:53,796
Yeah, and more importantly,
you're dressed like a gladiator

395
00:18:53,796 --> 00:18:56,065
in a desk fort that you built
during a bad trip.

396
00:18:56,065 --> 00:18:59,001
If life is just a series
of ridiculous attempts

397
00:18:59,001 --> 00:19:01,070
to be alive,

398
00:19:01,070 --> 00:19:03,640
you're a hero to everything
that's ever lived.

399
00:19:04,674 --> 00:19:07,176
Yeah?
Yeah.

400
00:19:07,176 --> 00:19:09,479
Yeah.

401
00:19:28,798 --> 00:19:30,266
Batman?

402
00:19:30,266 --> 00:19:32,368
Yeah.

403
00:19:32,368 --> 00:19:34,804
Are you staying
for the party?

404
00:19:34,804 --> 00:19:38,708
If I stay,
there can be no party.

405
00:19:40,843 --> 00:19:42,545
I must be out there
in the night,

406
00:19:42,545 --> 00:19:43,913
staying vigilant.

407
00:19:45,281 --> 00:19:48,818
Wherever a party needs
to be saved, I'm there.

408
00:19:49,886 --> 00:19:51,554
Wherever there are masks,

409
00:19:51,554 --> 00:19:53,656
wherever there's tomfoolery
and joy,

410
00:19:53,656 --> 00:19:55,525
I'm there.

411
00:19:57,594 --> 00:19:59,862
But sometimes I'm not
because I'm out in the night,

412
00:19:59,862 --> 00:20:02,431
staying vigilant, watching.

413
00:20:02,431 --> 00:20:04,867
Lurking, running, jumping,

414
00:20:04,867 --> 00:20:07,704
hurdling, sleeping.

415
00:20:07,704 --> 00:20:09,338
No, I can't sleep.

416
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:11,373
You sleep. I'm awake.

417
00:20:11,373 --> 00:20:14,210
I don't sleep, I don't blink.

418
00:20:14,210 --> 00:20:16,245
Am I a bird? No.

419
00:20:16,245 --> 00:20:17,714
I'm a bat.

420
00:20:18,648 --> 00:20:21,083
I am Batman.

421
00:20:21,083 --> 00:20:22,585
Or am I?

422
00:20:23,653 --> 00:20:25,722
Yes, I am Batman.

423
00:20:28,057 --> 00:20:29,626
Happy Halloween.

424
00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:34,063
I'm Batman.

425
00:20:34,063 --> 00:20:36,499
- You sound like Cookie Monster.
- I'm Batman.

426
00:20:36,499 --> 00:20:38,000
That's Batman.

427
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,269
Candy corn
looks like tiny traffic cones.

428
00:20:40,269 --> 00:20:41,771
Yeah, it sure does.

429
00:20:41,771 --> 00:20:43,506
At, like, a candy
traffic school.

430
00:20:43,506 --> 00:20:47,944
Like a little gingerbread man
at the wheel, and he's drunk.

431
00:20:47,944 --> 00:20:49,679
Look out.
We driving.

432
00:20:49,679 --> 00:20:52,214
Yeah, but you keep wanting
to eat yourself.

433
00:20:52,214 --> 00:20:53,482
All day.

434
00:20:53,482 --> 00:20:55,818
That's one of my biggest fears.
What is?

435
00:20:55,818 --> 00:20:57,820
If I ever, like,
woke up as a doughnut.

436
00:20:57,820 --> 00:21:00,356
You would eat yourself.
I wouldn't even question it.

437
00:21:00,356 --> 00:21:02,458
Mm. That would be tasty.

438
00:21:02,458 --> 00:21:05,662
It's cool to know other people
think about this stuff too.

439
00:21:05,662 --> 00:21:09,265
Yeah.
Yeah.

440
00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:20,535
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