1
00:00:01,123 --> 00:00:02,920
So then the guy says
to the housekeeper:

2
00:00:03,125 --> 00:00:06,390
"Make sure she's dead."
Stop me if you've heard this before.

3
00:00:06,595 --> 00:00:08,495
Would've been nice
27 minutes ago.

4
00:00:08,697 --> 00:00:12,133
The housekeeper says to the guy,
"We don't have a pool."

5
00:00:13,636 --> 00:00:14,625
And the guy says...

6
00:00:14,837 --> 00:00:16,202
Good morning, Greendale.

7
00:00:16,405 --> 00:00:18,703
Just a reminder,
our debate team will bring home

8
00:00:18,908 --> 00:00:21,138
the championship tomorrow
versus City College.

9
00:00:21,710 --> 00:00:22,972
Go, Human Beings.

10
00:00:23,179 --> 00:00:26,239
Great, now I gotta start
the whole joke over again.

11
00:00:26,715 --> 00:00:29,115
Okay, so this...
No! I've got one for you.

12
00:00:29,318 --> 00:00:31,980
A doddering old fool
walks into a bar,

13
00:00:32,188 --> 00:00:35,521
tells a stupid joke, and I crush his
windpipe with my three-ringed binder.

14
00:00:37,393 --> 00:00:39,486
I don't get it.
Britta's trying to give up cigarettes.

15
00:00:39,695 --> 00:00:40,992
Don't tell them my business.

16
00:00:41,197 --> 00:00:44,394
I'll slap that look
off your pointy face.

17
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:49,663
Britta, I'm saying this because I care
about you and you're my friend.

18
00:00:49,872 --> 00:00:51,339
You need to start smoking again.

19
00:00:51,540 --> 00:00:52,939
I really think you should.

20
00:00:53,142 --> 00:00:56,077
You lose weight and your skin
looks great when you smoke.

21
00:00:56,278 --> 00:00:58,838
Guys, I appreciate your support,
but I've got to quit.

22
00:00:59,048 --> 00:01:00,743
Have you thought
about hypnotherapy?

23
00:01:00,950 --> 00:01:03,441
I know a hypnotherapist.
Ten-to-one says it's him.

24
00:01:03,652 --> 00:01:06,849
His name is Pierce Hawthorne.
And I'm very effective.

25
00:01:07,056 --> 00:01:10,651
Can you help me block out people's
voices I find extremely annoying?

26
00:01:10,860 --> 00:01:12,589
Jeff, she's right there.

27
00:01:12,795 --> 00:01:14,285
Pierce,

28
00:01:14,497 --> 00:01:16,431
I would be grateful for your help.

29
00:01:16,632 --> 00:01:19,328
You would? Super. I'll set it up.

30
00:01:19,535 --> 00:01:21,025
What? I feel bad for him.

31
00:01:21,237 --> 00:01:22,636
Plus, I just yelled at him.

32
00:01:22,838 --> 00:01:24,169
You yelled at me too.
Oh.

33
00:01:24,373 --> 00:01:26,034
Did I hurt your feelings,
pointy face?

34
00:01:26,242 --> 00:01:27,834
Wow. Wow.

35
00:01:28,043 --> 00:01:30,637
Have you seen
the film department's website?

36
00:01:30,846 --> 00:01:32,643
What do you think?

37
00:01:33,182 --> 00:01:35,810
All of Abed's films are about us.
What?

38
00:01:36,018 --> 00:01:37,485
Check it out.

39
00:01:39,221 --> 00:01:40,210
What else is new?

40
00:01:40,422 --> 00:01:41,514
Jeff.

41
00:01:41,724 --> 00:01:42,691
Hola.

42
00:01:42,892 --> 00:01:45,622
Jeff, stop being so relaxed.
We need to talk to you about...

43
00:01:45,828 --> 00:01:49,286
You're living out of your car. Why on
earth are you living out of your car?

44
00:01:49,498 --> 00:01:51,625
Those people look just like us.
That's eerie.

45
00:01:51,834 --> 00:01:55,065
Fine, it's true.
I'm living out of my car.

46
00:01:55,437 --> 00:01:56,631
And I don't want anyone's help.

47
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:00,800
We had almost that
exact conversation last week.

48
00:02:01,010 --> 00:02:03,843
Yeah, but Abed posted
this video two weeks ago.

49
00:02:05,247 --> 00:02:06,407
That boy is a soothsayer.

50
00:02:08,751 --> 00:02:11,720
This is wrinkling my brain.
This is wrinkling my brain.

51
00:02:11,921 --> 00:02:13,388
That's wrinkling my brain.

52
00:02:13,589 --> 00:02:15,181
Get a load of these wrinkles.

53
00:02:15,424 --> 00:02:18,552
Heh, heh. Who's that old guy?
Hi. I'm Pierce Hawthorne.

54
00:02:18,761 --> 00:02:19,921
Oh, come on.

55
00:02:26,969 --> 00:02:29,062
There he is.
Oh. Mr. Winger. Hold on.

56
00:02:29,271 --> 00:02:31,831
Did you to hear my announcement?
I hang on every word.

57
00:02:32,041 --> 00:02:33,804
I assume that's sarcasm.
Correct.

58
00:02:34,009 --> 00:02:35,806
You didn't hear?
I'm barely listening now.

59
00:02:36,011 --> 00:02:37,000
Oh, okay.

60
00:02:37,213 --> 00:02:40,410
My debate partner dropped out.
We need you for the championship.

61
00:02:40,616 --> 00:02:43,676
Jeffrey, as debate coach,
I'm offering you an opportunity

62
00:02:43,886 --> 00:02:46,252
to spend a night
drinking from the cup of life

63
00:02:46,455 --> 00:02:49,049
rather than romancing your nether
regions in front of the E! Channel.

64
00:02:49,258 --> 00:02:53,058
Come on, Jeff, who better than
a former lawyer to really stick it

65
00:02:53,262 --> 00:02:56,720
to those City College snobs
and their star debater, Simmons?

66
00:02:56,932 --> 00:02:59,264
Mmm. Pass.

67
00:02:59,802 --> 00:03:01,099
Okay, no, no, no. Wait.

68
00:03:01,303 --> 00:03:02,429
Okay, no, no, no. Look.

69
00:03:02,638 --> 00:03:03,627
Listen, jerk wad.

70
00:03:03,839 --> 00:03:06,000
I'm sorry, that got heated.

71
00:03:06,208 --> 00:03:07,641
Greendale needs a win.

72
00:03:07,843 --> 00:03:10,403
The best compliment
our sports program gets

73
00:03:10,613 --> 00:03:12,638
is that our basketball team
is really gay.

74
00:03:12,848 --> 00:03:14,509
So, what's it gonna take?

75
00:03:14,717 --> 00:03:17,914
A plum parking space? Free meals?

76
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:22,955
A night of companionship,
if you know what I mean?

77
00:03:23,826 --> 00:03:25,726
I'll do it for the parking space.

78
00:03:25,928 --> 00:03:27,896
And if you promise not to
tell me what you mean.

79
00:03:29,265 --> 00:03:30,323
All right. Yeah.

80
00:03:30,866 --> 00:03:33,664
Pierce, thank you.
I really appreciate you helping me out.

81
00:03:33,869 --> 00:03:35,359
And I appreciate the opportunity.

82
00:03:35,571 --> 00:03:38,404
You know, sometimes I think
people don't take me seriously.

83
00:03:38,607 --> 00:03:39,596
What are you gonna do?

84
00:03:39,808 --> 00:03:41,673
Wave a pocket watch
in front of my face

85
00:03:41,877 --> 00:03:44,141
and tell me
I'm getting very sleepy.

86
00:03:45,614 --> 00:03:47,673
Just checking the time.

87
00:03:48,017 --> 00:03:51,748
Now close your eyes
and keep them closed at all times.

88
00:03:52,221 --> 00:03:55,816
And listen to the soothing
sound of my voice.

89
00:03:56,025 --> 00:03:58,653
The only word that
will bring you out is

90
00:03:59,962 --> 00:04:01,429
"gorilla."

91
00:04:01,630 --> 00:04:05,396
Okay, now, focus on the rhythm
of your own breathing.

92
00:04:06,835 --> 00:04:09,326
And when you feel the desire
to light up a cigarette

93
00:04:09,538 --> 00:04:13,099
you will associate these urges with
things in your life that disgust you.

94
00:04:13,309 --> 00:04:14,936
Bad tasting food,

95
00:04:15,144 --> 00:04:16,372
sex with men,

96
00:04:16,578 --> 00:04:18,136
wearing attractive clothing.

97
00:04:21,483 --> 00:04:23,883
Oh, God, I think I really hurt myself.

98
00:04:24,086 --> 00:04:25,553
Somebody help me.

99
00:04:25,988 --> 00:04:27,478
Oh! Britta, wake up.

100
00:04:27,690 --> 00:04:30,124
Why did I put you under so well?

101
00:04:30,326 --> 00:04:32,658
Damn my talents. Aah!

102
00:04:32,861 --> 00:04:36,228
The topic for the debate is,
"Are people inherently good or evil?"

103
00:04:36,432 --> 00:04:38,559
When do you want to
get together to strategize?

104
00:04:38,767 --> 00:04:40,234
Annie, I was a lawyer.

105
00:04:40,436 --> 00:04:41,869
I was a debater for money.

106
00:04:42,071 --> 00:04:44,266
I think I can handle this.

107
00:04:45,841 --> 00:04:46,899
So how was hypnotherapy?

108
00:04:47,109 --> 00:04:52,069
He fell down while I laid there to make
him feel like a good hypnotherapist.

109
00:04:52,281 --> 00:04:54,749
You realize this will never end.
It's already done.

110
00:04:54,950 --> 00:04:56,417
He just wants one more session.

111
00:04:58,587 --> 00:05:00,555
Where's Abed?
I need to talk to him about his films.

112
00:05:00,756 --> 00:05:03,884
That boy is flat-out prescient.
He can read our minds.

113
00:05:07,062 --> 00:05:08,689
I know. You watched my movies.

114
00:05:08,897 --> 00:05:10,262
He's a witch.
Get him.

115
00:05:10,466 --> 00:05:12,696
I'm not a witch.
I'm a student of human character.

116
00:05:12,901 --> 00:05:15,699
I know you guys all so well
I can predict your behavior.

117
00:05:15,904 --> 00:05:20,170
Like, Shirley, I know you're a sweet,
Christian, generous person.

118
00:05:20,376 --> 00:05:22,901
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, that's nice.

119
00:05:23,112 --> 00:05:24,409
I know you have rage issues.

120
00:05:24,613 --> 00:05:26,444
Careful, boy. Oh!
Careful, boy.

121
00:05:26,882 --> 00:05:29,612
Here, check this out. May I? Okay.
Yeah.

122
00:05:31,053 --> 00:05:32,748
Jeff acts like nothing affects him,

123
00:05:32,955 --> 00:05:35,185
but things bother him more
than he lets on.

124
00:05:35,391 --> 00:05:37,552
Hey, I'm top of the class.

125
00:05:39,094 --> 00:05:40,925
He's also very vain.

126
00:05:41,397 --> 00:05:43,024
Pfft! Ridiculous.

127
00:05:43,232 --> 00:05:44,893
Ohh.

128
00:05:46,368 --> 00:05:49,963
Why am I crying? Will I listen
to "Come Sail Away" by Styx again?

129
00:05:50,172 --> 00:05:53,608
Don't worry, Troy, it's just a movie.
I can't predict the future.

130
00:05:54,076 --> 00:05:55,907
I hurt my leg. Ah!

131
00:05:57,913 --> 00:06:00,177
What up, happy people?

132
00:06:00,382 --> 00:06:02,543
You tell me my future
right now, evil wizard.

133
00:06:02,751 --> 00:06:05,811
By the way, I think your shirt's
trying to get out of your pants.

134
00:06:07,523 --> 00:06:12,051
As Golding's Lord of the Flies
demonstrates, man,

135
00:06:12,261 --> 00:06:15,094
when left to his own devices,
will descend

136
00:06:15,297 --> 00:06:18,824
into chaos and evil.

137
00:06:25,841 --> 00:06:30,005
And now, from City College,
Jeremy Simmons.

138
00:06:32,714 --> 00:06:35,478
Jeremy. Jeremy.

139
00:06:35,684 --> 00:06:37,811
Jeremy. Jeremy.

140
00:06:42,157 --> 00:06:45,149
There were 23,000

141
00:06:46,061 --> 00:06:49,155
kidney donations
in America last year.

142
00:06:49,731 --> 00:06:51,096
Man is good.

143
00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:56,863
The average life expectancy
for a man in a community

144
00:06:57,372 --> 00:07:01,536
is 23 years longer
than a man alone.

145
00:07:01,743 --> 00:07:03,711
Man is good.

146
00:07:03,912 --> 00:07:08,440
And just 10 minutes ago,
a bald, bespectacled man

147
00:07:08,650 --> 00:07:11,676
held the door
for a man in a wheelchair.

148
00:07:11,887 --> 00:07:13,286
Man is good.

149
00:07:14,923 --> 00:07:17,483
Oh. Heh, heh. I hate this guy.

150
00:07:17,693 --> 00:07:19,854
By the end of this debate

151
00:07:20,062 --> 00:07:24,089
I will prove with facts and data

152
00:07:24,299 --> 00:07:27,996
that man is inherently good.

153
00:07:30,706 --> 00:07:33,504
Little trick for achieving
the proper competitive mind set.

154
00:07:33,709 --> 00:07:35,540
I always envision my opponent

155
00:07:35,744 --> 00:07:38,042
having aggressive sex
with my mother.

156
00:07:39,150 --> 00:07:45,224
Use the free code JOINNOW at
www.playships.eu

157
00:07:47,256 --> 00:07:49,224
This feels so formal.

158
00:07:50,425 --> 00:07:52,120
Let's just talk.

159
00:07:52,694 --> 00:07:55,219
People are evil. They can't help it.

160
00:07:56,298 --> 00:07:58,232
I didn't catch your name.

161
00:07:58,934 --> 00:08:00,799
It's Jean.
Take Jean here.

162
00:08:01,003 --> 00:08:04,939
She spent a lot of time this morning
making herself look so lovely.

163
00:08:06,108 --> 00:08:09,566
Tell me, how many people bothered
to tell you how great you look today?

164
00:08:10,345 --> 00:08:11,710
None.
Man is evil.

165
00:08:11,914 --> 00:08:14,212
But you just said how great I looked.

166
00:08:14,416 --> 00:08:16,976
For my own selfish purposes.

167
00:08:17,185 --> 00:08:20,416
The fact is, as hot as you look

168
00:08:20,622 --> 00:08:24,956
and it is quite hot,
I wouldn't have said anything.

169
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,185
When I talk about
people being evil,

170
00:08:27,396 --> 00:08:29,489
I could cite quotes,
or dig up statistics,

171
00:08:29,698 --> 00:08:31,859
but those are
just words and numbers.

172
00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:35,901
I think we could have
a little more fun

173
00:08:36,104 --> 00:08:39,767
if I express myself in song.

174
00:08:49,017 --> 00:08:50,609
That's my time, everybody.

175
00:08:50,819 --> 00:08:52,616
Thank you very much. Yeah.

176
00:08:55,691 --> 00:08:57,852
At the end of round one.

177
00:08:58,060 --> 00:09:00,824
City College, 50.

178
00:09:02,764 --> 00:09:05,096
Greendale, eight.

179
00:09:08,637 --> 00:09:10,537
I got eight?

180
00:09:12,341 --> 00:09:13,831
I only got eight?
She got eight.

181
00:09:14,042 --> 00:09:17,341
You got zero.
It's debate, not American Idol.

182
00:09:20,716 --> 00:09:22,479
Nice work, L.A. Law.

183
00:09:22,684 --> 00:09:25,084
All sizzle, no steak.

184
00:09:25,287 --> 00:09:27,778
I don't care, dude.
I'm doing this for a parking space.

185
00:09:27,990 --> 00:09:29,617
Let's go, boys. Come on, let's go.

186
00:09:29,825 --> 00:09:32,157
I wanna see some hustlers
out there. Let's go.

187
00:09:32,361 --> 00:09:35,023
By Zeus.
What sort of jackassery is this?

188
00:09:35,230 --> 00:09:37,130
We're in the middle of a debate.

189
00:09:37,332 --> 00:09:40,130
We reserved the gym
for practice so...

190
00:09:40,335 --> 00:09:41,393
Yup, they reserved it.

191
00:09:41,603 --> 00:09:44,265
Okay, they got us by the short ones.

192
00:09:44,473 --> 00:09:46,998
The debate is suspended
until tomorrow.

193
00:09:47,209 --> 00:09:49,973
Hopefully, by then we can
get our act together.

194
00:09:51,346 --> 00:09:54,213
Oh, great try, Bruce. Great try.

195
00:09:56,718 --> 00:09:59,118
When are we getting
together to prepare for tomorrow?

196
00:09:59,321 --> 00:10:01,448
Never. Because it's stupid
and I don't care.

197
00:10:01,657 --> 00:10:03,454
Bite me.

198
00:10:05,027 --> 00:10:08,360
Maybe Simmons is right.
You really are all sizzle and no steak.

199
00:10:08,563 --> 00:10:11,794
You probably couldn't beat him.
What do you mean, I can't beat him?

200
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,766
You and I are going to study harder
and beat City College tomorrow.

201
00:10:15,971 --> 00:10:16,995
Really?
No.

202
00:10:17,205 --> 00:10:19,400
Who am I, iCarly?

203
00:10:19,608 --> 00:10:22,805
Abed is right, you act like things
don't bother you, but they do.

204
00:10:23,011 --> 00:10:26,071
Look, six months ago
I was a lawyer. I wore suits.

205
00:10:26,281 --> 00:10:29,216
I used to say stuff
like "objection" and "sidebar."

206
00:10:29,418 --> 00:10:31,716
Now I'm losing
a community college debate

207
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,854
to Jeremy "Soul Patch" Simmons.

208
00:10:34,056 --> 00:10:35,353
Hey, Winger.

209
00:10:36,324 --> 00:10:37,848
You like to sing?

210
00:10:38,060 --> 00:10:40,426
I like to sing too.

211
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:45,689
Kick that.

212
00:10:56,244 --> 00:10:58,678
Lay off, Simmons.
Jeff didn't understand the rules.

213
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,438
Yeah?

214
00:11:00,649 --> 00:11:04,380
What's your excuse, eight points?
Dude, leave her out of this.

215
00:11:10,726 --> 00:11:13,889
That's it. Dude, we are gonna
debate the living crap out of you.

216
00:11:15,897 --> 00:11:17,922
We've got some preparing to do.

217
00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:19,532
I liked you better smoking.

218
00:11:19,735 --> 00:11:21,100
I'm so sorry.
No.

219
00:11:21,303 --> 00:11:23,931
You're right,
my feet are long and stupid.

220
00:11:24,372 --> 00:11:25,805
You can't unring that bell.

221
00:11:27,242 --> 00:11:28,903
Oh, no.

222
00:11:29,978 --> 00:11:32,344
That's my newspaper.
What do you need a paper for?

223
00:11:32,547 --> 00:11:34,947
You knew what was gonna happen,
you Magic Eight Ball.

224
00:11:35,150 --> 00:11:37,380
Pierce hurt his leg.
Britta made Troy cry.

225
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,379
What's my destiny?
Am I gonna die in a car?

226
00:11:40,589 --> 00:11:44,218
Is it going to happen soon?
Shirley, I'm just an entertainer.

227
00:11:44,426 --> 00:11:46,257
But if it will make you feel better,

228
00:11:46,461 --> 00:11:48,622
here, let me show you
what I'm working on.

229
00:11:52,367 --> 00:11:54,665
Were... No. Were...

230
00:11:55,137 --> 00:11:57,332
Is that me being
chased down by a werewolf?

231
00:11:57,539 --> 00:11:59,939
Yeah, that's how you'd behave
in that situation. No?

232
00:12:00,142 --> 00:12:02,406
The situation being me
being chased down by a werewolf.

233
00:12:02,611 --> 00:12:03,908
Mm-hm.

234
00:12:09,785 --> 00:12:11,252
And that's Jeff
locking lips with Annie?

235
00:12:11,453 --> 00:12:14,354
Mm-hm. Yeah.
You're a fool.

236
00:12:14,556 --> 00:12:18,048
Stanford students were divided
into prisoners and guards.

237
00:12:18,260 --> 00:12:19,284
The guards immediately
started to abuse...

238
00:12:19,494 --> 00:12:20,461
Ugh!

239
00:12:20,662 --> 00:12:24,393
What's wrong?
I have this pain above my eyebrow.

240
00:12:24,599 --> 00:12:27,295
It's a stress headache.
I got my first one when I was 4.

241
00:12:27,502 --> 00:12:28,594
I hate it.

242
00:12:28,804 --> 00:12:31,534
Well, get to used to it.
You're knee-deep in it, brother.

243
00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:32,729
This is debate.

244
00:12:32,941 --> 00:12:35,341
If you want to win,
you need to prepare.

245
00:12:35,544 --> 00:12:36,533
Well, agreed.

246
00:12:36,745 --> 00:12:40,044
But if you want to win,
you need to loosen up.

247
00:12:40,248 --> 00:12:43,012
Go off-book, robot debater.

248
00:12:43,819 --> 00:12:45,480
Oh, my gosh.

249
00:12:46,755 --> 00:12:48,245
You're right.

250
00:12:49,224 --> 00:12:52,455
Simmons is so good at
using his inherent magnetism

251
00:12:52,661 --> 00:12:56,563
to sell his points and here I am,
like a spinster librarian

252
00:12:56,765 --> 00:12:58,027
with my hair pulled back.

253
00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:00,032
Yeah.

254
00:13:08,710 --> 00:13:11,304
What do you think?
Yeah.

255
00:13:12,647 --> 00:13:14,410
Thanks.

256
00:13:15,183 --> 00:13:17,413
Be careful. Abed thinks
you two are going to kiss.

257
00:13:18,053 --> 00:13:20,419
Ha-ha-ha! Ridiculous.

258
00:13:21,056 --> 00:13:22,921
Us kissing.

259
00:13:23,124 --> 00:13:25,058
That is ridiculous.
Totally.

260
00:13:31,032 --> 00:13:32,761
We should get back to work.
Yes.

261
00:13:32,968 --> 00:13:36,927
Okay. The...
People are inherently evil.

262
00:13:37,138 --> 00:13:39,936
Oh, we can use this Hobbes quote.

263
00:13:40,775 --> 00:13:44,040
"Man is a collection
of base, animal urges."

264
00:13:44,246 --> 00:13:46,908
To act on them
and experience sinful pleasure

265
00:13:47,115 --> 00:13:50,881
"would be morally no different
than taking a breath."

266
00:13:52,587 --> 00:13:54,555
That's poignant, right?
Yeah.

267
00:13:54,756 --> 00:13:56,986
You know,
maybe we should study alone.

268
00:13:57,192 --> 00:13:58,853
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Separately.

269
00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:02,029
That way we can be more
reproductive... Productive.

270
00:14:03,598 --> 00:14:05,122
Bye.
Bye.

271
00:14:10,105 --> 00:14:13,006
Oh, you forgot your phone.
Oh, I can get another one.

272
00:14:14,309 --> 00:14:17,039
The next time you
even see a cigarette,

273
00:14:17,245 --> 00:14:19,805
you will think of things
that disgust you.

274
00:14:25,053 --> 00:14:28,454
And while you're under so deep,

275
00:14:28,890 --> 00:14:32,656
you'll find yourself attracted
to slightly older men.

276
00:14:33,328 --> 00:14:39,028
Perhaps some barrel-chested stud
with just enough, heh, tummy to love.

277
00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:41,031
You'll want to buy him dinner.

278
00:14:41,236 --> 00:14:42,999
Then go back to his hot tub.

279
00:14:43,204 --> 00:14:46,173
You'll invite one of your friends
to join us for a three-way.

280
00:14:46,374 --> 00:14:50,470
Maybe someone with low self-esteem
and slightly larger breasts.

281
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,841
Go to hell, you disgusting pig.

282
00:14:54,049 --> 00:14:55,107
A-ha!

283
00:14:55,317 --> 00:14:57,308
Pierce, I was awake the whole time.
I was faking it.

284
00:14:57,519 --> 00:14:59,646
I know. I saw you.

285
00:14:59,854 --> 00:15:02,118
What do you think I am? Some joke?
No.

286
00:15:02,324 --> 00:15:05,293
No, I was trying to make you
feel better about yourself.

287
00:15:05,493 --> 00:15:08,087
How dare you pity me.

288
00:15:09,264 --> 00:15:11,391
I may be a little older,

289
00:15:11,599 --> 00:15:15,592
my ideas may seem weird,
my fashion sense may cause envy,

290
00:15:15,804 --> 00:15:20,639
but I have a lot to offer
and I will not to be pitied.

291
00:15:27,849 --> 00:15:29,339
Do not help me up.

292
00:15:30,852 --> 00:15:35,016
And as German poet
Franz Wickmeyer once wrote:

293
00:15:37,092 --> 00:15:40,084
"Snow falls from the heavens pure.

294
00:15:41,463 --> 00:15:45,900
We cannot blame the snow
for being soiled by the Earth."

295
00:15:50,538 --> 00:15:52,631
Man is good.

296
00:15:57,746 --> 00:15:59,373
What? That dude gets it.

297
00:15:59,981 --> 00:16:02,415
Jeff Winger will now offer
a two-minute rebuttal.

298
00:16:06,054 --> 00:16:07,385
Hey, sizzle.

299
00:16:07,589 --> 00:16:10,581
What are you going to sing tonight?
I'm in the mood for Sade.

300
00:16:15,730 --> 00:16:19,826
In the Stanford Prison Experiment,
21 out of 21 students,

301
00:16:20,035 --> 00:16:24,734
when given absolute power, abused
and tortured their fellow students.

302
00:16:24,939 --> 00:16:28,898
My competitor likened people
to pure, falling snow.

303
00:16:29,110 --> 00:16:34,776
I would respond, "There is
none righteous, no, not one."

304
00:16:34,983 --> 00:16:39,420
Now, I realize Mr. Simmons' quote
was from the great Franz Wickmeyer.

305
00:16:39,621 --> 00:16:43,455
Mine was just from
a simple desert handyman

306
00:16:43,658 --> 00:16:44,852
named Jesus.

307
00:16:48,630 --> 00:16:50,120
Oh, that's nice.

308
00:16:50,632 --> 00:16:54,728
Survival of the fittest wires an impulse
to eliminate people into our hearts.

309
00:16:54,936 --> 00:16:57,530
Counter point.
Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc.

310
00:16:57,739 --> 00:16:59,263
Rebuttal.
Nuclear bombs.

311
00:16:59,474 --> 00:17:01,465
Nuclear families.
Abu Ghraib.

312
00:17:01,676 --> 00:17:03,803
Apu from The Simpsons.
Double rejoinder.

313
00:17:04,012 --> 00:17:05,639
Telemarketers.
Organ donors.

314
00:17:05,847 --> 00:17:07,212
Hate crimes.
Executions.

315
00:17:07,415 --> 00:17:08,780
Ketchup is a vegetable.

316
00:17:08,983 --> 00:17:11,076
Wow. This is a real barn-burner.

317
00:17:11,286 --> 00:17:12,913
Oh, God, did I just
say cross-burner?

318
00:17:13,121 --> 00:17:15,146
No, you did not.
Oh, good.

319
00:17:15,356 --> 00:17:16,482
We make an amazing team.

320
00:17:16,691 --> 00:17:19,683
I know, we're so in sync,
we're like a perfect duet or great se...

321
00:17:19,894 --> 00:17:22,727
Hey, Professor Whitman.
Your preparation was impeccable.

322
00:17:22,931 --> 00:17:26,389
You remind me of a young me
with slightly worse hair.

323
00:17:26,601 --> 00:17:28,034
I just checked with the judges.

324
00:17:28,236 --> 00:17:30,363
They'll need a miracle
to win in rebuttal.

325
00:17:30,572 --> 00:17:32,767
Simmons is finished.

326
00:17:33,508 --> 00:17:35,533
This is too much for me.

327
00:17:37,612 --> 00:17:38,601
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

328
00:17:39,948 --> 00:17:41,575
He's going off-book.

329
00:17:42,951 --> 00:17:45,442
Why is he ripping the cards,
doesn't he need the cards?

330
00:17:45,653 --> 00:17:47,018
It's a gambit.

331
00:18:26,094 --> 00:18:30,656
He hates me, yet he caught me.

332
00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:34,330
Man is good.

333
00:18:49,184 --> 00:18:51,175
Abed. Abed.

334
00:18:54,355 --> 00:18:56,823
He was horny, so he dropped him.

335
00:19:00,728 --> 00:19:03,822
Man is evil.

336
00:19:09,204 --> 00:19:10,398
Greendale wins.

337
00:19:12,974 --> 00:19:14,703
Huzzah!

338
00:19:16,477 --> 00:19:17,739
Eat that, Simmons.

339
00:19:20,882 --> 00:19:22,474
God.

340
00:19:22,784 --> 00:19:25,150
That off-book enough for you?

341
00:19:30,558 --> 00:19:31,889
Simmons got robbed.

342
00:19:32,093 --> 00:19:34,459
They kissed. You do have powers.

343
00:19:34,662 --> 00:19:35,959
I'm going to die by werewolf.

344
00:19:36,164 --> 00:19:38,098
Shirley, I don't have powers.
Trust me.

345
00:19:38,299 --> 00:19:41,291
In my next film, we discover
Pierce is an actual genius.

346
00:19:41,502 --> 00:19:43,527
That's not gonna happen.
No, it's not.

347
00:19:43,738 --> 00:19:45,865
Pierce, I can't smoke a cigarette

348
00:19:46,074 --> 00:19:48,372
without thinking of a three-way
in your hot tub.

349
00:19:48,576 --> 00:19:50,737
You did it.
Yes.

350
00:19:50,945 --> 00:19:52,970
I did?
You're a genius.

351
00:19:53,181 --> 00:19:54,910
Who's the third?

352
00:19:56,751 --> 00:19:58,378
You did great in there.

353
00:19:58,586 --> 00:20:00,520
Let's take this bacchanalia outside.

354
00:20:00,722 --> 00:20:02,622
Full moon tonight.

355
00:20:05,326 --> 00:20:07,487
Shirley. Shirley.

356
00:20:09,030 --> 00:20:11,498
Well, I'm going this way, so...

357
00:20:11,699 --> 00:20:14,668
Well, congratulations,

358
00:20:14,869 --> 00:20:16,029
buddy.

359
00:20:16,237 --> 00:20:17,363
Thanks,

360
00:20:17,572 --> 00:20:19,267
pal.

361
00:20:24,746 --> 00:20:26,509
Just pat me.

362
00:20:48,303 --> 00:20:51,534
Cut. Cut, let me ask you a question.
Do you hate this?

363
00:20:51,739 --> 00:20:53,138
Do you hate doing this?

364
00:20:53,341 --> 00:20:54,433
Do you?

365
00:20:54,642 --> 00:20:56,701
Can I talk to you for a second?
Just hold on.

366
00:21:04,719 --> 00:21:06,448
Just have fun with it.

367
00:21:07,789 --> 00:21:08,847
Take 36.

368
00:21:09,455 --> 00:21:19,455
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