- Good morning, everybody. - Hi, Jeff.
I brought bagels.
I'd love a bagel.
Be a perfect beginning... For my first day of billiards class.
Did you pick a special outfit... You can look sexy shooting pool?
Shirley, I have no idea what you are talkin' about.
13.
Great, so much for "baggels."
- So much for what? - The baggels.
You dropped 'em.
They're called bagels.
I lived in New York, Troy. I know what a baggel is.
What is wrong with you?
- What? - You say bagel wrong.
I say it the same as you.
Say it again.
Can we just keep studying?
We're on page 258.
- What "padge" was that? - Two "five -ty" eight.
Check this out.
It's a drawing of Abed with...
Hearts all around it.
Strictly speaking, Troy, the bible condemns this friendship.
I didn't draw that.
I bought it used. It must have been whoever had it last.
Obviously,
it's a girl who has a crush on Abed.
this is so romantic.
It's just like the notebook, accept, instead of alzheimer's, Abed has...
Someone who likes him.
Whoever she is, she's fat.
These thick pencil are drawn with a heavy hand.
We gotta find this person for Abed.
Unless it's a boy, we have to find him for Jesus. But, either way,
this is going to be fun.
- Feygnasse Team -
La Fabrique ::.
1x17: Physical Education
Class is over.
I'm trying to get you to leave.
Pick that up.
Senor Chang?
We're trying to figure out whose Spanish book this was before Troy's.
Jenny Adams.
Come on.
If Chinese were psychic,
you'd have started birth control centuries ago.
Her name's in the front of the book, morons.
He's right.
Them, I understand, but how did you not think of that?
I may have been thrown off...
by Britta's pronunciation of "bagel."
How you pronounce bagel? Come on.
You're the worst.
We have a name. Jenny Adams.
It's a fat girl's name. Might as well be Gravy Jones.
It doesn't matter what she looks like.
This will be great for Abed.
It will?
You not excited about talking to her?
- I wasn't planning on it. - What?
Guys, come on. You heard Abed. He's not interested. Drop it.
You need to mind your business. And, Abed,
you need to get with this girl immediately, If not sooner.
Abed, for guys like you,
This opportunity only comes around once in a life...
while.
It's important to date in college.
It's a time of freedom and exploration,
a time when a simple pillow fight...
between two innocent girls could turn into a steamy night of unbridled lust.
Britta knows all about it.
- You are gonna can't buy me love me? - We're gonna what you?
Gonna can't buy me love me. Transform me from zero to hero, geek to chic.
He wants us to love don't cost a thing him.
Can't buy me love was the remake for white audiences.
That's bad when they do that. I can't believe it doesn't insult them.
All right, nobody here...
Is can't buy me love-ing... Or love don't cost a thing-ing anyone.
Because we've all seen enough afterschool specials...
Fat Albert... To know
that Abed only needs to be himself.
Sure glad there are no old people here.
This conversation would probably be total gibberish to them.
Jeff's unprecedentedly right about this.
Abed, when we find this girl,
You're gonna approach her just the way you are, that's good enough.
Yeah, and then you can take her to a nice deli...
And treat her to a baggel.
Nice shooting. Good, clean strokes.
- Thanks. - Form a line, please!
My name...
is coach Bogner.
Welcome to the art of...
pool.
Which is a Phys. Ed. Class.
Which means...
that you all have to wear the proper equipment at all times!
So suit up.
See you back on the felt in five.
You're gonna look like an ass in those.
Shut up, Leonard. I talked to your son on family day.
I know all about your gambling.
Touche.
All right, everybody just hang out and be casual.
My sources tell me that Jenny Adams is the blonde who's reading right there.
That's her?
She's pretty!
Whit which is not a surprise at all, Abed.
Abed, we're gonna be here for moral support.
Go over there and do your thing.
- Be yourself. - Got it.
- Great. - Cool.
- What you doing? - I'm being myself.
Go be yourself by Jenny.
I wouldn't go.
- How do you know that? - A lifetime of observation.
Do you think there a version of you that might go over there?
- Absolutely. - Could you be him?
What was that?
A different version of me. I think it was a vampire.
If this is gonna turn ugly, I can't be here, I'm a two-striker.
No, Pierce, please. Hang on.
Abed, will you excuse us, please?
I know that we're all good people,
and good people believe that people should be themselves.
If Abed is himself, he's gonna die alone.
If we let him be someone else without our help...
Be right back.
I'm out of here.
- You're not in uniform. - Yeah, about that.
We seriously have to wear shorts to play pool?
If you play in this class, it's regulation.
Pool or regulation you?
Do you have something against playing pool
with a full range of motion and optimal comfort?
I'm comfortable in my clothes.
- I bet you are. - I'm sorry?
I said, I bet you're comfortable
dressed like a model instead of an athlete,
sippin' martinis
and smoking Instead of keeping your game.
Listen, man. You're implying I'm some sort of pool poser,
because I don't want to wear a bathing suit.
You're the weird one.
That's weird.
Not me.
- Nobody plays pool like that. - What do you call this?
I call that your personal business, okay?
And I call this class...
the desecration of America's coolest sport.
Yeah, see? Right there. "Coolest sport"!
I want everybody to know what's going on here.
This hipster
is dropping this class.
Because he cares more about what he looks like...
than how he's playing.
Please. You're the one with the rules about clothes.
And, by the way,
I could kick your ass all over that table.
Is that a challenge?
Because if you play me in pool,
you play me in shorts!
And if you can't do that, my point's already made.
I don't have anything to prove to you.
You're stupid.
This is stupid!
Pool in shorts is stupid!
Vanity, thy name is...
his name.
It's first day. I didn't catch it.
Okay, Abed. We know that, normally, you wouldn't approach a girl,
But if you don't learn how, you won't get Jenny.
And you got two days. Then I'm going after her.
What? I'm incentivizing him.
Also, if she's into Abed, let's face it. Anybody could hit that.
Understood, I need to change who I am to someone likable.
No, sweetie. It's not about changing.
- It's about learning. - Learning to change?
Good grief! Clear the chickens off the runway.
I'll be the bad guy. Yes, you need to be someone else.
Someone who gets a girlfriend.
Because I can't think of anything more frightening...
than a half-polish, half-arab virgin in his 30s.
One way or the other, that story ends with an explosion.
Let's try a practice run.
All right, Annie, you sit here, okay?
And be a girl.
Abed, you take a run at her. Let see what you got.
What are you reading?
Pride and Prejudice.
So you're familiar with two sins.
How about a third?
I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.
Then you picked the wrong outfit.
Didn't you?
What are you doing?
Mad Men's Don Draper...
Weird.
- Put your tongue in her ear. - I liked it.
Don't be him. He cheats on his wife.
Be somebody nice, like Mike Brady.
He always had that housekeeper throwing herself at him, he never touched her.
Don't be Mike Brady. Mike Brady's not sexy.
You should be like Jo from Facts of Life.
But, the dude version.
I knew it.
You should be like Calvin.
His best friend was a tiger. He always went on adventures.
If there's a problem, he peed on it.
- Calvin Coolidge? - No, you guys,
Don Draper was clearly the sexiest.
What are you guys doing?
Teaching me to be someone else.
For God's sake. What did I tell you?
For God's sakes, everybody, do whatever you want!
Leave each other alone!
That's a good Jeff. How'd you do that?
10% Dick Van Dyke, 20% Sam Malone,
40% Zach Braff from Scrubs, and 30% Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.
- Zach Braff? - Sorry.
What if you just did Jeff for Jenny?
And your point is?
I don't want any part of this.
And I can't believe that you're still doing it...
after I already explained the obvious lessons,
smacking you in the face.
- Why aren't you in billiards class? - Because I don't look cool in shorts!
'cause I'm not cool in shorts!
That was good.
That was really good.
I don't want to spoil the ending, but... Pride ends up with Prejudice.
Funny.
I know.
Stick with me, and you'll get a laugh or two. That's the Abed guarantee.
I feel like I've seen you before.
- It's working. - I know.
I get that a lot, from art students. I'm told my face is made for sketching.
I'd rather think it was made for kissing.
How'bout for punching?
What are you doing hitting on my girlfriend, ugly?
This is awkward.
My God.
It's a white Abed.
It's like Abed, but employable.
Let's do this, boss?
Let's go, slumdog.
And one last lost and found announcement,
Jeff Winger, I've been informed by coach Bogner
that you left your panties in his pool class.
Better pick those up.
When is he gonna stop doing that?
Do you know he called me a hipster?
Hipster!
Do hipsters walk around wearing $300 jeans from Italy?
Can we please talk about Abed? Thanks to us, his heart's been broken.
I hate to say that I told you so.
So I'll shout it through cupped hands.
I told you so!
We were only trying to help.
Come on. Who are we kidding? Jeff's right...
Abed was happy being Abed, till we had...
to sully his mind with thoughts of love...
and romance... and vaginas.
The big three. That's how they call 'em.
Poor Abed, he's probably too sad to get out of bed this morning.
- About yesterday... - You guys must be pretty upset.
Why would we be upset?
It's important for you that I get a girlfriend.
When Jenny went off with white Abed, It must have really hurt.
- It did. - White Abed?
Jenny's boyfriend is a white guy that's almost identical to Abed.
Joey, that's why the sketch was in Troy's book.
- Does that make Abed "brown Joey"? - If you are racist about it.
You know we just want you to be happy?
Everybody wants me to be happy. Everybody wants to help me.
When they find out they can't, they get frustrated and stop talking to me.
Or trick me into buying them ice cream and shove me into a dryer.
I didn't want it to happen with you, wanted to be sure it felt like you help.
Truth is, lots of girls like me, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable.
And my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so...
I'm used to them approaching me.
So we didn't damage your self esteem or anything?
But self esteem is falling out of my butt.
That's why I changed for you.
When you know who you are and what you like about you,
changing for other people isn't such a big deal.
You're a God.
If you'll all excuse me...
I have a man to beat in pool while wearing shorts.
Is that code for going number one, or number two?
You've inspired me too.
People can mock me all they want.
I don't care how I say the word "baggel."
- She said "baggel." - Would you like another one?
Nice cross corner, Leonard.
Totally.
I'd like to see Jeff Winger try that shot
without the benefit of his stylish clothing.
Would you?
Shouldn't you be at a urban outfitters?
I'll go there later, if I feel like it.
But first, I have to hand someone
their tightly polyester-swaddled ass in a game of pool.
Burn.
Do you wanna talk about clothes like a girl?
Or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned table, like a man?
Balls, like a man.
Rack 'em!
I'll break.
Why? 'cause it looks cool?
I don't know.
You tell me.
Get out of the way.
Let me just clean this side of the table, all right?
There you go. See that?
- What do you think of that? - See, you haven't learned anything!
Except how to look cool playing pool in shorts!
You're wrong.
I'm just having a good time because I love playin' pool.
Liar!
You think you look cool.
How cool...
is this?
Stop projecting your obsession with clothes onto me as an excuse
for when I beat you in a game
of real pool!
You wanna play real pool?
I'll play real pool.
Now who doesn't care how they look?
Me!
- Shouldn't you be stopping this? - Soon, soon.
Just... gathering evidence.
Three to one against Winger. Who's on?
Tres.
You know what, Jeff?
One of us is about to win this game.
But years from now, when the story's retold...
all they're gonna remember...
Is one of us loved clothes.
And the other loved...
the game.
Look at me. Look at me!
You beat me.
From now on, you play pool dressed however you choose.
I choose shorts.
I choose shorts!
Shorts!
You son of a bitch.
You magnificent son of a bitch!
That was awesome.
Let me get in here.
Okay, you're sweaty. All right, all right.
Nice game.
I hope this doesn't sound too...
forward, but...
Could you introduce me to your friend?
You know what?
I know that guy's m.o.,
and I think it's better if you introduce yourself.
- Courtney. - Abed.
Man...
why couldn't I be brown Joey?
- Here's the spanish book. - Thank you.
- Did you finally get your own book? - Something like that.
Wait a second.
It's okay. Let's have cookies.
- My cousin's funeral is today. - That was today?
I knew there was some reason I couldn't do this today.
Poor Demetri.