Why is everyone wearing
those hats?
Is the dean planning
another event,
or is the Greendale Hat Club
struggling to be noteworthy?
You're talking about it.
I talk about stuff
that annoys me.
Speaking of the dean...
Guten Tag, homies.
I hope you'll all be attending
Oktoberfest.
Don't often get to celebrate
German culture.
It's not often we want to.
Yeah.
A little goes a long way.
True.
Greendale's Oktoberfest
has never drawn huge crowds,
probably due to our
diversity,
so this year, we are adding
some color. Kick it.
I'm gonna give this to you,
Troy.
"Pop and Locktoberfest."
The central event
will be a pop-and-lock-a-thon.
Winner gets to annex Poland.
Kidding.
The winner gets an iTunes
gift card. Okay.
Oh, a break dance contest.
What should we name our team?
Gonna go hang myself
in my closet.
I'm coming with.
Is it me,
or is this campus getting
more cartoonish every day?
It's exciting. I painted
a tunnel on the library.
When it dries,
I'm going for it.
See that guy over there?
The one wearing
the Gucci suit
in a lightweight woven
wool-mohair?
We used to work together.
Cool.
So he's from your origins?
This is all I need.
Excuse me, sir.
You're all my friend needs.
Your mouth isn't
curved upwards.
Did I misread something?
Aw, Tango?
Sundance.
We worked with
different partners.
Got it.
Hey.
What brings you to Greendale?
I'm a teacher. Wait,
that's worse than the truth.
I'm a student.
I'm in no position to judge.
I'm here for an NA meeting.
Narcotics Anonymous?
Remember when you asked
for my secret,
I said yoga? I lied.
I'm Abed.
Abed, this is Alan Connor.
This guy and I used to wipe
the courtroom floor
with prosecutors.
DA called us
The Litterbugs,
we put so much trash back
out on the street.
Come here, come here.
You still ticklish?
Stop that.
Hey, let's get a drink, huh?
Are you allowed?
Yeah, I quit doing blow,
not being rad.
All right, let's do it.
Jeff can't go.
He has class.
Well, those cargo pants would
suggest otherwise. Heh, heh.
What has this place
done to you?
You have no idea.
Hat Club.
Now you have some idea.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE"
PLAYING]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO]
So...?
So?
Anyone that's been in a team
pop-and-lock-a-thon
knows you need seven people
to stand a chance.
We have seven.
Oh, do you?
Word on campus
is Winger's too busy
hanging with his
cool lawyer friend.
Slow news day.
That's your Carson?
Jon Stewart.
You depress me.
Look, we'll get back to you.
All right, well,
don't take too long.
And don't rip off this exit.
Where is Jeff?
Obviously hanging with Alan.
Those two are like
Siamese twins
attached at
the cell phone holster.
I haven't met him yet.
Shouldn't we be happy that
Jeff found an old friend?
Alan is to Jeff what
Rob Lowe is to James Spader
in 1990's Bad Influence.
He's a bad influence.
You saw it?
Hey, guys, I'm gonna be
a little bit late today.
Alan and I are gonna take
a quick sidebar.
Or any bar.
Oh, he's got Britta down.
You look familiar.
It's possible.
Have you or someone you know
been injured at work? Oh.
Yes, a shrimp boat
ran over my cousin.
That's serious. Call me.
Jeff, you need
to be respectful of time.
Shirley, if I killed a man,
as a Christian,
would you forgive me?
I would.
Then either that man's life
is worth less than your time,
or it's okay for me to be late.
Ha, ha. Oh, no.
You've still got
the moves, man.
If they gave away awards
for mind games,
the statue would be Jeff Winger
doing it to a brain.
Come on, Jeff's bush-league.
I gave seminars on manipulation.
I can reach into a man's soul
and unravel it with one tug.
Cool. Hit me.
You're bald.
So are you.
I'll kill you, you...!
Come here.
Mistrial.
Ha, ha, ha.
Come on, man.
I have hair.
Father, I have hair.
On a tax evasion case?
Yeah.
God, I miss talking
about this stuff.
You should visit the office.
Right. I can't
show my face there
after getting busted
like that.
You know what
lawyers call someone
who defrauds the state bar,
cheats on his LSATs and
cons his way into a firm?
Best lawyer ever.
Seriously?
Hey, tomorrow night.
Office party.
You're my guest.
Oh, no.
Come on, you just said
you missed it.
I do. I really, really do.
What does Alan have
that we don't?
A butt for Jeff's wiener.
Heh.
I mean,
we all have butts too.
We have butts,
just not for the same thing.
I'm trying to
say they're gay.
I don't like how much drinking
and carousing they do.
It's a gateway to narcotics.
Narcotics!
I know how I know Alan.
But I'm not allowed to say.
Which means that you met him
in Narcotics Anonymous.
Why bring it up
if you're not allowed?
Because...
He said something at a meeting
about something bad he did.
He might have done it to Jeff,
but I can't say what it is.
Okay, you've gone from
precious to annoying.
What if you don't say it,
but we guess?
Like charades?
With this group, I'm watching.
Four words.
"Alan got Jeff disbarred."
Uh...
Those junkies weren't
thinking about rules
when they were shooting
up scag.
Jeff,
Alan narced on you.
"Narced"? Hm.
But he's, like, way too
primo for that, Frank Zappa.
I think he turned you in
to the state bar.
I was in NA
and he bragged about it.
He doesn't recognize me
because my hair's longer,
my skin's clearer.
I've lost a lot of weight...
Annie.
He said he turned me in?
He said he sent an e-mail
that got a rival co-worker fired
around the time
you got caught.
They never covered this
on Yo Gabba Gabba,
but that's circumstantial.
Any other meaningless
conspiracy theories?
Yes. Did you know that Go-Gurt
is just yogurt?
Know what a therapist calls
this kind of relationship?
A gold mine.
Codependent.
You guys don't want me
to be happy.
You want me to need you.
It's getting claustrophobic.
I used to run full-speed
through the boundless wilderness
and now I'm in the zoo
where the horizon is wallpaper
and the air is stale
and nothing is ever
at stake.
In other words,
we're not cool.
I never said that.
You may have heard it.
I may have thought it.
It may be true.
But I never said it.
See you at
the pop-and-lock-a-thon?
No, Abed, I'm going
to a cool party
at my cool former law firm
from when my life was cool.
Fine, you can be on the team.
New deal. If we win,
I get to be in the study group.
The stakes
have never been higher.
Just want to thank everybody
for coming.
You know, when I became
a lawyer, I had a dream.
I had a dream that one day
I'd be head of a firm
so nobody would be able
to talk about the big,
weird hole in my hand.
Everybody talks about it
behind my back. That's okay.
You know, I would.
What's great, though,
is that you don't stare
or ask any questions.
And as a reward
for your restraint,
I got a little something
for you.
There. That ought to keep you
going till Christmas.
Everybody have fun tonight.
Anyone else with that hand
would wear a glove.
He controls a room with it.
He's the master.
Well, he sure is
a fan of yours.
Oh, um...
Hey, when you talk to him,
will you mention me?
He keeps passing me over
for partner.
Alan, did you invite me here
with an ulterior motive?
God, I miss this place.
God, it's a sea of Wingers.
This whole place reeks
of moral ambiguity.
Actually, that was me.
I apologize.
Now, you guys are
new to high society,
so just follow my lead
and you'll be fine.
First, why are you here?
Second, I don't care. Leave.
As a matter of fact, Jeff,
we were invited.
Why would anyone do that?
Hey, you guys made it.
Come on in.
Before this gets
more embarrassing,
what is your misguided plan?
To apologize to you for casting
aspersions on your friend.
And to show you we can be cool.
Hey, is that Jeff Winger?
Find Annie and leave.
Ted. Hey, man.
What's going on?
Wow, hey.
Once Annie gets
Alan's office number,
you break into his office.
Hack into his e-mails
and find proof
that he screwed Jeff over.
Fourth floor, 470.
First he said it was 69.
I wanna rub Purell on my brain.
You are so missed here.
If we had five guys
with your balls,
we wouldn't need 30 lawyers.
True, but we'd
need a good doctor.
Ted, stop hitting
on my date. Ha, ha, ha.
I'm kidding. We can share.
Ha, ha, ha.
I get the head.
I love the brain in there.
Ow, ow, ow.
I'll eat it.
Hey, everybody,
Jeff Winger's here.
Hey.
Should we notify someone
that our team is not gonna make
it to the pop-and-lock-a-thon?
You actually think
anybody cares?
Checking in for
the Heather Pop-and-Locklears?
Okay. And where's the rest
of your team?
They'll be here.
You're allowed to start
by yourself.
But you won't stand a chance
without someone...
They'll be here.
I brought stuff people use
for capers.
Suction cup. Credit card.
Chloroform.
The credit card doesn't work,
the chloroform does.
Annie, go back
and keep lookout.
Why me, lookout?
Why not you guys?
If someone comes up, Kanye
and Kumar get taken to jail.
You get taken to dinner.
You guys, I'm the smartest one
in this whole group
and all I've been used
for is bait and distraction.
Ugh! Go on your stupid mission.
I hope it sucks.
What did she say?
I don't know.
All I heard was "suck."
I'm surprised Alan
hasn't made partner.
I'm surprised
I haven't fired him.
Why? He's got a better
win record than I do.
He's a spineless
trust fund jag off.
I'll tell you what,
Jeff.
You're the best liar
I ever employed.
If you can look me
in the eye
and tell me you actually
like Alan,
I'll make him
a full partner.
Well, I only ever really
liked one person.
My mom.
And she liked my dad.
And after all the dust
and the custody was settled,
the guy I really admired...
Not liked, admired.
was the lawyer
leaving the courthouse
in the great-looking suit
and a sky-blue Mercedes SLK.
Sweet ride.
Sweet job. Sweet life.
He didn't care.
He couldn't care.
And the less he cared,
the better he was.
We are a special breed
because we rise above
the sloppy stuff
and look at the bottom line.
You wanna like your employees?
Open a hair salon.
You wanna win?
Make Alan partner.
The student
has become the master.
Thank you, Jeff.
You make me wanna be
a worse man.
Just because
you can't work cases
doesn't mean you can't work.
Be a consultant.
Ted, that would be amazing.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Jeff,
I'm sure you know Philip.
Did you know that
if I sleep with Philip
once a month,
I can use his beach house
in Rio whenever I want?
Wow, you guys are really
onto something.
I think you've found the world's
newest profession.
Guys, guys. I actually
have a civil case
against that bitch
that stole my husband.
Don't sue a stripper.
Why not?
She's a stripper.
Life sued her and she lost.
Where's Pierce? Jeez, why am I
even worried about him?
Hey. Did you know
there's an island in Indonesia
where you can hunt people?
We need to talk.
I think this is it. Print it.
Nice.
Excuse me.
Who are you guys?
This is not your office.
I can explain.
Let me explain.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know what to do.
Oh, my God.
I usually have one foot out
of reality.
Even I'm freaking out
right now.
You chloroformed
the janitor?
Stop yelling! You got caught!
You're the one yelling.
We're in trouble.
We have to do something.
I don't know what to do.
My whole brain is crying.
Guys, guys, guys.
Hey, hey. I have an idea.
Okay, it may sound
a little weird, but trust me.
What's happening?
Oh. We all got chloroformed.
Somebody chloroformed
all of us.
And now we're regaining
consciousness together.
I don't understand.
Who is she?
Why is she holding a rag?
That was the worst idea ever.
Can we run away now?
Yeah.
Sorry.
It is the fourth straight hour
and Ben Chang
is still on his own.
One can only imagine
what is driving him
to push himself
to such limits.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS]
My body hurts.
Are you jealous because
we were fitting in
with your cool friends?
No.
I'm distracted watching
you mutate.
Britta, you're not a whore.
Shirley, Jesus turned
the other cheek.
He didn't garnish wages.
Pierce, do I even need
to say this?
It is bad
to hunt man for sport.
Badass.
This is the e-mail that
Alan sent the bar association.
He stabbed you in the back,
Jeff. He's a bad friend.
You're right.
He's a bad friend.
But he's a good lawyer.
I appreciate you guys caring,
but you have to understand
that I don't.
Caring is lethal around here.
It's a disease.
You guys have it. I don't.
So if you do care about me,
don't infect me.
Now go win
that pop-and-lock-a-thon.
I'll see you Monday.
It's like watching a soul
slip through our fingers.
But what more can we do?
Would you stop?
Tango.
I don't know how you did it,
man,
but you're looking
at the firm's next partner.
If I wasn't actively repressing
my bi-curiosity,
I'd kiss you
on your beautiful mouth.
Well, maybe you can return
the favor one day.
Oh, maybe I can return it
right now.
You probably know it
was someone here
at the firm
who turned you in.
God, this is really hard.
Alan, it's okay.
You can tell me.
It was Thompson.
Thompson.
Yeah.
Thompson, that adopted
three at-risk teens
and donated his kidney
to a temp.
All an act. Yeah.
Why do you think he quit
right after you left?
Well, his wife died.
Did she, Jeff?
Did she?
Anyway, congrats.
Hey, let's go do some shots
with Phil, huh?
No, you go ahead. I, uh...
I think I caught something
at Greendale.
College chicks.
I get you. Ha, ha, ha.
You're bad.
Come on, it hurts.
Ben, you need to switch up
your moves.
Whoa, do my eyes
deceive me?
Troy Barnes tagging in
for the save.
Only two teams left.
The Poppy Lockstockings and
the Heather Pop-and-Locklears.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS]
Troy, what's wrong?
I don't know. My heart's
just not in it.
Maybe we should quit.
I mean, who even cares
about this anyway?
Next up,
looks like Jeffrey Winger.
Oh, Jeffrey, you're back.
Did you miss me?
Took you long enough.
Oh! Now we got it.
Hey, hey!
Yes.
Moves McGee.
Whoo!
Did you punch Alan in his
rotten face and storm out?
Hell, no.
That guy is useful to me.
Thanks to you,
I've got leverage over
a spineless jag
that just made partner.
That is the place
I want to work.
But I prefer to hang out
with cool people.
People so cool, they care.
Aw.
And now, the puppet.
Jeffrey.
Ah, no parking
on the dance floor, Winger.
Heh, heh, heh. No, I'm serious.
You're disqualified.
The winners are
Poppy Lockstockings.
No!
I've been popping and locking
for five hours
and you threw it all away.
The contest doesn't matter.
What's important
is we have each other.
Then can I be in your
study group?
Well, that wasn't the deal.
We lost, so...
That was dope what we did.
That was so good.
The puppet too.
The puppet was surprising.
I rolled my ankle during that,
you know that?
You know what?
He's bringing us down.
Let's move him.
Can we move him?
Psst! Troy, it's me.
Abed?
I made through.
I'm a cartoon now.
That's impossible.
Nothing's impossible in here.
Animals talk, your heart is
shaped like a heart
and the smell of pie
can make you float.
You have to believe, Troy.
Wait, you don't have to believe.
I didn't.
I may have done
some damage there.