[CHEERING
AND BLOWING NOISEMAKERS]
That was weird.
We only sang the last two words.
What happened to
the "happy birthday" part?
He's a Jehovah's Witness,
doesn't celebrate birthdays.
We kept the language
on the cake compliant.
"Hello during
a random dessert,
"the month and day of which
coincide numerically
with your expulsion
from a uterus."
You guys.
I never cry, but...
All right, happy expulsion,
Troy.
But after cake,
we cram, for realsies.
Guys, finals
are coming up.
This group is starting to use
occasions to avoid studying.
Last week we had fondue
and played Boggle
because Shirley's niece
took her first bath.
With bubbles.
Thank you, it's a milestone.
Funny, last week
was my birthday
and nobody noticed
and nobody cared.
Pierce, you don't remember
the huge party we threw?
We need to talk about
those painkillers.
I don't think
you remember anything...
Huge party, you were like,
"The best party of my life."
Nutritious.
Got you!
Of course
I remember my birthday.
What a party.
Yeah, you still owe me
for the keg deposit.
Oh, you think
I don't know that?
Troy.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE"
PLAYING]
"Detroit"? No way,
this is sold out everywhere.
Not everywhere.
I got a cousin in Detroit,
they're not crazy about it.
This is how you turn 20.
Thanks.
There's strawberries
under there.
Let me help you.
I broke my legs,
not my gender.
Okay.
While we're
watching this unfold,
some birthday facts
to enjoy.
Troy's birthday is tomorrow,
December 4th.
Also born that day,
Tyra Banks, Marisa Tomei
and French cinematographer
Claude Renoir.
Yes, jackpot.
On the Chinese calendar,
Troy is a horse, like me.
Purposeful,
self-possessed and gregarious.
No, I'm pretty sure
I'm a snake.
I remember,
I'm determined,
self-possessed
and mendacious.
Pierce, what are you doing?
Explain yourself.
Who made
this crappy cake anyway?
A cake maker at a cake store.
He did it wrong.
Troy, we're 1990, we're horses.
I was born in '89.
Then you were born
21 years ago.
Which would make me 20
because everyone is 10
for two years.
Because fifth grade
is really hard for everyone.
Mom, how many lies
have I been living?
Troy, do you realize at
midnight, you are turning 21?
As in the legal drinking age.
Whoa.
This party
just became unacceptable.
We're going out.
Yep.
You were just complaining
about too many parties.
Lame ones, this is real.
What makes it real?
Think of it as Troy
taking his first bath,
only the bubbles
are his manhood.
Yes.
I wanna bathe in manhood.
Aw.
I'm taking you
to I Street.
Ugh. Douche Street.
Oh, of course
you hate cool bars.
I don't suppose you've ever
even been to I Street.
No, but I also
haven't been to Beirut.
But I'm sure
I will go one day
because I hear they have
lots of important cultural...
It's my birthday.
Unlike I Street,
which is douchey.
Let's hear your great
suggestions.
The Red Door.
Oh, yeah, the Red Door.
The Red Hipster.
Not hipster. Hipsters
haven't discovered it yet,
it's underground.
Why don't we go someplace fun,
like Peg Leg Pablo's?
They serve virgin mudslides.
Those are milk shakes.
All you think about
is yourselves.
Think about me. I'm 19,
I can't get into bars.
Well...
I'll bring you a mudslide.
Okay, well, have fun.
Fine, I'll get Annie an ID.
A fake ID?
It will be real,
it just won't be yours.
I will see you
at the Red Door.
Nice try. We're not going
to Red Poet's Society.
We're not going
to Douche Street either.
Name the least offensive bar
you've ever been to.
One, two, three.
Flannahan's Hole.
Flannahan's Hole, done.
Troy, you riding with me?
Do you even have to ask?
Do you wanna ride in my van?
I'm not disabled.
I don't need people
helping me do normal things
and doting over me.
Why don't you just leave...?
Okay, I'll beat you there.
I don't think this girl
looks very much like me.
Come on.
She's a white brunette.
So is Anne Hathaway.
Go on.
What's your friend doing
with other people's IDs?
People sell their ID
when they're leaving the state
and need cash.
So she's a drifter.
A floater.
An urchin.
Caroline Decker
from Corpus Christi, Texas.
Texas?
Do I need an accent?
You don't need
an accent.
Howdy, y'all.
I'm Caroline Decker.
Please don't do that.
I guarantee.
That's Cajun.
I should research
Corpus Christi.
Annie, relax.
I'm not a relaxed person.
I think ahead.
I prepare.
I don't improvise my life
like Caroline Decker.
Who probably has
really bad credit
and an unfinished
mermaid tattoo.
What?
Flannahan's Hole is closed.
That's not a...
I'm not being clever.
I mean it's out of business.
Well, that's what they get
for trying to please everyone.
So now what?
There's a place
at Third and Water.
It's fun-divey,
but not staph-infection-divey.
It's either got
a gross name
or an ironically fancy one,
possibly both.
Oh, The Ballroom. Good.
Go to Third and Water.
Wait, what?
That wasn't the deal.
Shirley's pushing back.
Why, because they
don't have plastic menus?
Why, because they don't...
Don't repeat that.
Jeez. Look, just...
The women are your problem,
and the men
are going to The Ballroom.
And now I guess
I am being clever.
So plastic menus
are bad?
See, this is the kind of stuff
I need to learn.
Plastic menus seem like
a great idea to me.
You spill something,
your mom says,
"Troy, you're ruining
Fuddruckers for everyone."
Troy, you're entering the next
chapter of your life.
Sadly,
it's the final chapter,
but it's also the longest,
and if you play it right,
the best.
You and I,
we're just two guys now.
Peers. Equals.
So awesome.
Maybe later you'll let me
drive your car.
No way.
No.
Hello, former enemy.
He's 21 at midnight. Cool?
Yeah, happy birthday.
Thanks.
I don't like this place.
Ugh. You've made that clear,
Shirley. Oy vey.
Caroline Decker
from Corpus Christi.
You don't need an accent.
My ID says Texas.
They'll be suspicious.
They're not gonna
question your ID,
because you're a hot girl.
We're good for business.
The hotter you are,
the more they'll risk the fine.
Howdy.
All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Can't be too careful.
I understand.
Hey, hey, Shirley.
Welcome back.
You don't know me.
Okay?
Yeah.
You don't know me.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
This place is all right.
Yeah, it's okay.
These pictures must be
of all the regulars.
You think someday I'd
make it up to this wall?
I don't say this often, Troy,
but dream a little smaller.
Can I get you guys anything?
Oh! Uh... I'm okay.
Another Macallan, neat.
Vodka, neat,
four olives.
I'm waiting till midnight.
Aw.
Sweetie?
Water.
Oh, where's that accent from?
Corpus Christi, Texas.
78418.
What are you doing in town?
Not much, I reckon.
Just drifting, floating.
Spitting in the wind.
General waywardness.
Alrighty.
Annie, you're in the bar.
You don't have to be
from Texas anymore.
I don't know how it works.
I'm not a barfly, Britta.
They have "Asteroids."
Slide out.
Okay. Okay. Oh, okay.
I'm gonna go take
a little look around.
Me too.
Annie, don't accept any drinks.
Or invitations
to the bathroom.
So, what are you gonna order
for your first legal drink?
What should I get?
Whatever.
No wrong answers.
I like beer.
Don't order beer.
You've had beer.
What should I get?
What do you think
you might like?
It's your world now.
Follow your heart.
My Uncle Carl
played a big role in my life.
He taught me
how to throw a football.
He passed away this year.
His favorite drink
was a seven and seven.
Don't order that.
That's an awful drink.
A high-school drink
for girls.
Actually, I'll have a root beer
instead of that water.
Sure thing.
Thank you kindly.
Y'all are so nice
in this town.
I'm Caroline.
From Corpus Christi.
I grew up on a trout farm.
Deedily doo.
Doo-doo-doo.
Oh, careful.
You score any higher on this,
the Rylans are gonna recruit you
to fight the Ko-Dan Empire.
The Last Starfighter.
Did you get the
25th anniversary Blu-ray?
Was Scorpius half-Scarran,
half-peacekeeper?
Frell, yes,
I got Starfighter on Blu-ray.
You're a fan of the sci-fi
original series Farscape.
Can I buy you a drink?
You got some ID?
Very funny, punk.
Get out of my way.
I don't know how people
like you even get jobs.
Do you need help, man?
Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?
Heh-heh.
A little turning of the tables?
The turning of what tables?
I don't know,
leave me alone.
So I punched her.
Right in the face.
Your probation officer?
Didn't you get in trouble?
Hell, yes,
I got in trouble.
Wasn't the first time,
won't be the last.
I'm not exactly known
for my sound judgment.
Back in Corpus Christi,
they call me
Capricious Caroline.
What's "capricious" mean?
It probably means
I'm too busy living life
to be learning $5 words.
Ha-ha! Hot damn.
With an aged Scotch,
never use ice.
Never use ice, got it.
Why?
Destroys it.
At most, what you want,
two drops of spring water.
Activates the flavor.
Good Lord.
Do they have the rules
to poser drinking
on the wall at I Street?
Do they?
Poser drinking?
Hey, Ms. Vodka-Neat-Four-Olives.
What's that called?
The too-cool-to-care-tini?
Is it?
The forced starkness
of that drink order
turns horn-rimmed heads
at the Red Door.
I can't wait to understand
these arguments.
Hey, y'all, another round.
Everybody holding up?
I'll be back
in two shakes of a rabbit's ass.
Who the hell was that?
I gotta go see a woman
about the female equivalent
of a horse.
Classy. Way to show
Troy the ropes.
Shut up, I Street.
That woman is a hurricane.
Yeah.
Hurricanes are bad, Troy.
I know.
I think the wormhole
Crichton fell through
moved him across
not only space, but time,
which suggests Sebaceans
are our future selves
and Crichton
longs for a planet
that no longer exists.
Huh.
Hey, you're really
nursing that beer.
What kind of wormhole could
move you one place to another
within the galaxy
on the same day?
Speaking of wormholes,
what do you say we use one
to teleport this conversation
someplace a little more private?
That doesn't make sense.
Wormholes and teleportation
are different.
That's what
I've been talking about.
I noticed.
Cheers.
I followed that band Phish,
spells it with a P-H.
I just lived in parking lots.
I don't like their music,
did it to see if I could.
And guess what. I could.
So, what now?
I don't know.
Even if I planned it,
plans just fall off me
like chicken crap
off an armadillo.
Annie's the one
that plans things, not me.
Annie's my friend.
She goes to school here.
Thinks she's got it
all figured out.
She wants to major
in healthcare management.
What does that even mean?
No idea.
I'll tell you what it means.
It means a master's degree.
Followed by an internship.
She's got the next 15 years
of her life all mapped out
and all she's gotta do now
is just follow it
or screw it up.
Another soda?
Actually, give me a screwdriver.
I got no place to be.
What am I, Annie?
The first season, it's better
than the third season.
The fourth season,
when you watch...
Okay, um, what's your name?
Abed.
Abed, I'm Robert.
Hey, Robert.
Abed, would you like
to have gay sex with me?
No, thank you.
Wow.
Okay, so,
what is wrong with you,
that you can sit here
this whole time
and never pick up on the fact
that a man is hitting on you?
Oh, I actually did pick up
on it after a while.
And?
I really like talking
about Farscape.
It's a really good show.
Stargate is better.
Battery depleted.
Oh, man.
Wait. You guys,
you guys.
Hey there,
what you been up to?
I was just praying for these
poor souls in these photographs.
Oh, that's nice,
but, um, you missed one.
We found it in the ladies' room.
Give that to me.
No, no.
Come on,
don't feel bad.
This makes us
like you way more.
You think this is really funny?
A little.
I had some bad years.
With a chaser.
Come on.
It's a funny picture
because you act so perfect
all the time.
And because you look
like a zombie.
But it's not funny
when you're sad.
We're on your team.
Relax, sit down.
It's my birthday.
Give it to me.
I will see you all on Monday.
Sheesh.
Mm-hm.
Boo Town.
Shirley, wait.
What?
Nothing, get out of my way.
I can't get out of your way.
I'm stuck in this...
The chair broke...
I mean, I can't get...
Could you please help me?
Pretty please?
Thank you, Shirley.
You're welcome, jackass.
Hey, it's my birthday
and technically
I'm not allowed to drink it
for another 45 seconds.
It'll be 30 seconds by the time
I'm done saying this,
but can I have
a seven and seven?
It's on the house.
Happy birthday, kid.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
I'd rather have
my eyes gouged out.
A radio playing
would be horrible...
My big boy. Big, big boy.
You're my big boy.
Troy.
I think I owe you a birthday.
I'm cool. I actually always
wanted to drive this thing.
What?
Oh, is this my car?
Don't crash it.
I'm not gonna crash it.
Crash it, Troy.
Go to sleep, Britta,
go to sleep.
Crash his car, Troy.
This seems like a dark chapter
in our story.
Go to sleep, Abed.
Cool.
Hey, that's the place that
we should've gone to tonight.
Yeah, I Street, exactly.
That's the Red Door, stupid.
Do you see a sign
that says I Street?
I Street is too cool
to have a sign.
It's called I Street
after the street it's on.
The Red Door is on I Street.
I Street has a red...
Hey.
It's the same bar?
You two have been saying
one bar's lame
and the other one
is awesome all night,
and it's the same bar?
Well, he probably goes
there on Friday nights,
which is lame.
You wish...
Stop, just stop.
I just spent
the last two years
thinking that you guys knew
more than me about life,
and I just found out that
you guys are just as dumb as me.
Duh-doy.
Yeah. Duh-doy.
Got it. Duh-doy.
Duh-doy.
You can take me home first.
I only live
a few blocks from here.
You do?
Annie, this is a really
terrible neighborhood.
Yeah.
This is my apartment.
Weird night, huh?
Yeah,
alcohol makes people sad.
It's like the Lifetime movies
of beverages.
I pretended to be
a different person.
Abed does that
three times a week.
I did it because
I didn't wanna be me.
I did it because
I'm not sure who I am.
We went to school together
for four years
and you didn't even know me.
Yeah, but I know you now.
You're Annie.
You like puzzles,
little monsters on your pencil
and some guy
named Mark Ruffalo.
You're a fierce competitor
and a sore loser.
And you expect everybody
to be better than who they are
and you expect yourself
to be better than everyone.
Which is cool.
Good night.
I guess everyone's gonna be
embarrassed on Monday, huh?
Nah. Everybody just got
a little bit drunk.
Nobody did anything
that bad, right?
No, wait, wait, wait.
What are we doing?
Yeah, what are we doing?
This is a bad idea, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
I flew off
the handle earlier.
I apologize.
They were making out.
Abed.
Why do it in front of me?
I'm not a coat rack.
Abed, no one likes
a tattletale.
Happy birthday, Troy.
Thanks.
You're a man now.
Don't think
this will be big enough.
Just try it, we're close.
All right.
Breathe in.
All right.
Arms.
There we go.
There we go, yeah.
One hundred and fifty-seven.
We did it.
That you?
Yeah.
Little help?
Hurry. I think it's a girl.
Left side or right side?
Left side.
Got it.
Tell me when I'm close.
Okay.