Ahem. It's that very special
time of year, Greendale.
A time for me to remind you
that your school acknowledges
no specialness
to this time of year.
You do, of course,
have a constitutional right
to lend this season
the significance
of your choosing
in any of our designated
holiday zones.
Merry Christmas.
Don't you mean
season's greetings?
Shirley,
you know it's Christmas.
As a Christian,
I've learned to be sensitive
to other cultures' jealousies.
What are we doing this year?
I'm taking a relaxation course
next semester.
I was gonna use the break
to do the reading in advance.
I'm shutting myself in
with my video games.
Fake-murdering people is gonna
be my new holiday tradition.
Hm. This is disappointing.
What do you care, Abed?
You're Muslim.
Don't your people spend
this season
writing angry letters
to TV Guide?
True. Religiously,
I'm Muslim.
But I've always been a fan
of Christmas.
And this is the most
important Christmas in history.
I'm assuming that's why
we're all stop-motion animated.
I vote we let it go.
What did you say we were, Abed?
We're stop-motion animated.
I don't understand.
I never understand
what any of you are saying.
You guys don't see it?
I noticed it this morning.
That's how I knew
it was special.
We've clearly entered
a new medium.
Does "clearly" mean
the same thing
to you as it does
to normal people?
It's probably Arabic
for "not clearly."
Ha, ha, ha. Huh?
You really expect me to tarnish
the high-five for that?
You guys really don't see
what I'm seeing?
That worries me a little.
I think it worries all of us.
Is there something
that we can do to help you
with your situation, Abed?
You could move around more.
Not much point in being
animated if you don't.
And I think we should commit
to the format.
Starting with a song.
You start.
I'm sure we'll join in.
Okay, we got him.
He's down.
Now, how many fingers
am I holding up?
And, more importantly,
are they still made of clay?
Three, and I told you,
we're not clay.
We're silicone dolls
with foam bodies
over ball-and-socket
armatures.
Fascinating.
And publishable.
And you say you have
no memory of this morning?
You don't recall the crisis
that caused you
to take shelter
in this delusion?
It's not a delusion.
Very, very publishable.
Abed, I've been
a professor of psychology
here at Greendale
for many years.
And I think I see
a solution to this
that might also help you
with your situation.
I'd like to do
extensive sessions with you,
including hypnosis.
I don't need therapy.
Nobody said you did.
I just think it would benefit
you and, incidentally, me
to get to the real meaning
of all this.
You're right. I need to find
the meaning of Christmas.
Ah. Well...
If I can,
everything will go back
to normal.
Asterisk.
Abed.
The dean says
if you don't get help,
they might kick you out
of school.
Why would I wanna be in
a school that hates Christmas?
He's got a point.
Kidding.
I don't suppose you know
the meaning of Christmas.
Apparently, it means getting
fondled by singing mental cases.
My snowman is alive.
I'm not a snowman.
I'm Chang.
What the hell's wrong with you?
I thought I made you.
Yeah, you made me need to cry
in the shower tonight.
It's a text from Britta.
She says,
"The meaning of Christmas
is in the study room."
Now that you started it,
how about 10 more seconds
on the third button, eh?
You lied to lure me
into group therapy?
Surprise.
Pierce.
You promised not to do that.
Surprise.
Not cool.
Ah, hold on, Abed.
I'm not just
a psych professor.
I'm also
a Christmas wizard.
You are?
I am.
And I can help you find
the meaning of Christmas.
Right, guys?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, this feels safe.
Shut up, Winger.
What do you think, Abed?
Christmas wizard. Hm.
I guess I can see that.
Have a seat, then.
Nothing to be afraid of.
All your friends are here.
They just want to help.
I'm here for the cookies.
So, what do we do?
With your permission,
I'd like to put you into
a state of Christmasnosis
and take you
on a magic journey.
To Winter Wonderland?
Sure.
Your own personal
Winter Wonderland.
Come on, everyone.
You all know how magic
Christmas journeys work.
You are playing with
so much fire.
Shut up, Winger.
Hands on the table.
Eyes closed.
Heads relaxing.
Necks relaxing.
Don't relax Pierce any lower.
Screw you.
Abed, focus on
the sound of my voice
and let yourself relax.
With each breath, you'll feel...
It's beginning.
All right, then.
The table's moving.
Like a rocket
about to take off.
Now it's leaving the floor
as the walls and
the ceiling fly away.
We're in outer Christmas space.
There's Planet Holly.
And Planet Jolly.
Oh, and what's
that up ahead?
Ah. It's Planet Abed.
Subtle.
We're descending
onto Planet Abed now.
It's the most Christmassy planet
in the universe.
Its atmosphere
is 7 percent cinnamon.
Oh.
We're here. Winter Wonderland.
See how sparkly?
What, are you crazy?
All I see is the study...
Ooh. Sparkly wonderland.
During our journey,
you've transformed into
Christmas versions
of yourselves.
Jeff-in-the-Box.
Uh-huh.
Troy Soldier.
Cool. Do I have a gun?
You have a drum.
Cool.
Britta, you're Britta-Bot.
Uh...
Just go with it.
Bleep, bloop.
Teddy Pierce.
Bleep, bloop for me too.
Ballerannie.
Oh. Heh.
Baby Doll Shirley.
Baby what?
What the hell?
Well,
we are making fabulous
and unexpectedly
intense progress.
Now, what I'd like to do
is visit
the cave
of frozen memories.
Pass. Let's head
for the North Pole.
The meaning of Christmas
will be there.
Um... Well, yeah.
Yeah, sure, cheers.
And I actually think I know
a shortcut to the North Pole
through the cave
of frozen memor...
We can take Gumdrop Road
and stop at the cave.
I wouldn't call it a shortcut,
but you got us here,
so I'll throw you a bone.
Let's move, folks.
This isn't going to be fun,
easy or safe.
Shut up, Winger.
Mm-hm.
A journey through
Winter Wonderland
tends to test your commitment
to Christmas.
So when I say test, I mean
Wonka-style. I'm talking dark.
My advice: stay honest,
stay alert,
and for the love of God,
stay between the gumdrops.
Look up there, Abed.
I think I see
the cave of frozen memories.
A great place...
It's actually the cave
of frozen peas.
It's a common mistake.
Don't worry, I got this.
Terrific.
Abed, did you say
my Christmas self
was a baby?
Are you sure you didn't say
I was a Christmas angel?
Because you respect me too much
to imagine me as a baby.
Maybe if you cry enough,
he'll change you.
You know why
you were a robot, right?
I'm progressive
and kick-ass.
How about heartless
and Godless?
I think he gave us
random identities.
I mean, me, a ballerina?
It's not like I'm that thin
and graceful, right?
Annie, it's because
you're fragile
and tightly wound.
Cut the chatter,
and keep your eyes
on the prize.
We're looking for
the meaning of Christmas.
I happen to know
the meaning of Christmas.
And I'm the only one
here that does.
So I would appreciate
a level of respect
even if I'm a guest
in your therapy wonderland.
Therapy?
I am freezing Shirley
with my wand.
And I am ejecting her
from Planet Abed
with a remote-control
Christmas pterodactyl.
Oh, nice.
Now we're talking.
Point being, if you're not
interested in helping Abed,
there's no reason
to be here.
Cookies.
That's wonderful.
Let's get back to
the magic journey and wrap up.
Some of us have
women to sleep with.
You guys hear that?
Humbugs.
Humbugs?
Yeah, a whole swarm
of them. See?
Everyone stay
perfectly sincere.
Humbugs are attracted
to sarcasm.
Wow. Somewhere,
Tim Burton got a boner.
Jeff, don't be sarcastic.
Oh, are they on me now?
Oh, no.
They're eating him alive.
If only he could find the power
to not be a smug douche.
Oh, no can do.
I'm just a horrible guy.
Guess I'll have
to go get laid.
Ooh.
Can I sing this one?
Annie, nice.
Get what I did with
the word "presence"?
Carol Canyon.
Instead of oxygen,
plants produce
Christmas songs.
Will it cost a lot to walk here?
No. Public domain.
You know Jesus was born
in the middle of April, right?
The church
moved his birthday
so they could steal
the solstice from pagans.
Season's greetings
from Britta Perry.
Maybe you could sing
a song about it.
I don't sing. And if I did,
I wouldn't sing Christmas songs.
I guess that means
you're gonna have me ejected
for not loving
Christmas enough.
Nope, not for that.
Let's get to the cave
of frozen memories.
Man, it is cave-like in here.
What do you mean,
cave-like? It's a cave.
Nothing to be afraid of.
The cave of frozen memories
is a safe place
where we can observe
suppressed experiences
without being affected
by them.
Can you show me how to do it?
Sure.
Here. I'm focusing
on a part of the cave
and I'm seeing
my 10th Christmas.
All right? Now you try
with this morning.
I can't see your 10th Christmas.
How do you know that's you?
Well, it's my house on
52nd Street in Islington.
What room are you in?
What color are the walls?
Our living room.
Cream-colored plaster.
There's an oil painting
of a forest above the sofa.
I'm reading
Paddington books.
Mom got me Paddington
every year.
Where's your dad?
It's Christmas.
Where's your dad?
I don't know. We never know.
Mom won't stop crying.
I'm going to America
with Grandma.
He is good.
We lost our wizard.
We don't need him, never did.
And nobody needs this cave.
Initiate self-destruct.
Self-destruct initiating.
This slide goes directly
to Pine Tree Station.
We can catch a train
to the North Pole from there.
The wizard
didn't bring us here
to find the meaning
of Christmas.
And I can't have anyone
going beyond this point
that's on his side.
With you to the end,
man. Always.
Like I said,
I came for the cookies.
Ahh!
I'm not ejecting you
for not liking Christmas music.
I'm ejecting you for lying
to trick me into therapy.
Abed, they will
kick you out of school.
I was trying to save you.
Bye, Britta.
Damn. It got real
up in that memory cave.
I know, right?
Speaking of real,
this has been great.
But the cookies are gone,
and I have to take a giant leak.
We should be at the North Pole
by 9:00 Eastern Candy Time.
You guys see
the countryside?
There's
the Menorah Mountains.
And Jehovah Witness Bay.
Thanks for adding that, man.
This is nicer than
all the Christmases
I ever celebrated.
But you're Jewish.
On my mom's side.
But my dad's Episcopalian. And
before the divorce,
the holidays were a minefield
of overlapping rituals.
I like the rituals.
My parents are divorced too.
My mom's Polish.
She loves Christmas.
Every year, she visits
on the same day. December 9th.
Every year,
we sit and watch
Rudolph,
the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Together. Every year.
But, Abed,
today is December 9th.
It's the last day
of classes.
Yeah.
That can't be right.
She comes every year.
Today must be December 8th.
Because she comes
every year.
Okay, Abed.
Time to stop the train.
After you emasculated me
in the ice caves,
I went to your dorm room.
I know what happened now.
It doesn't matter.
I just need to get
to the North Pole.
Abed,
there is no North Pole.
We're in the study room,
and I'm not
a Christmas wizard.
I know.
You're a Christmas warlock.
You're trying
to destroy Christmas
because you blame
your sadness on it.
I'm crawling out
the window.
No, you're not.
Snap out of it.
Whoa, whoa.
Who taught you therapy?
Michael Jackson's dad?
I am a professional.
And you are
tampering with
a highly-delicate
book deal.
I mean, human being.
Oh. Now we're losing him.
I'm on the roof of the train.
Oh, great.
Well, I'm teleporting there.
Because I can do that
because I'm a wizard.
Bloink.
Abed, there is no train.
This is not real.
I can't hear you.
I'm going to the front car.
You're very clever,
but it stops here.
There's no more journey.
It's just you
against reality.
And reality always wins.
Abed, I'm unhitching the cars,
okay?
What? Oh, give me a break.
Do you know what you're doing?
Bloink.
We're learning to teleport.
And we're helping our friend
find the meaning of Christmas.
You're actually grabbing me
in real life, delinquent.
We'll keep him away, Abed. Go.
Find the meaning
of Christmas.
At the very least
take notes.
Oof. All right,
where are we?
Christmas train?
I didn't wanna go home.
It's depressing there
this time of year.
What are we looking at?
Santa's workshop.
Okay. So meaning
of Christmas, right?
You see it?
Well, can't it just be
anywhere? Like, there?
Good job, Pierce.
It's the first season
of Lost on DVD.
That's the meaning of Christmas?
No, it's a metaphor.
It represents lack of payoff.
Correct.
Thinking there was something
you could do to save Christmas,
turning yourself into
an animated character
in search of
the holiday's meaning,
these were mechanisms
you used to escape this.
This Christmas card.
Left where you dropped it
on the floor of your dorm.
"Abed, I can't make it
this year.
"I have a new family now.
"You'll meet them one day.
"You're a man now.
"Take care of Dad.
Wash your dupa."
Mommy's moved on.
New family. New life.
There's nothing left
to do now but heal.
And share the experience
with as many reputable
journals as possible.
Great, look what you did
to the kid.
What's your article
gonna be called?
"Worst Shrink Ever"?
Hey, this is not my fault.
This is what Christmas
does to people.
We put too much meaning into it,
and it lets us down.
We beg to differ.
What are you doing back here?
Saving Christmas.
Everybody, point your magic
Christmas weapons at him.
Oh, brother.
This is ridiculous.
You are enabling a delusion.
The delusion
you're trying to cure
is called Christmas,
Duncan.
It's the crazy notion
that the longest,
coldest, darkest nights
can be the warmest
and brightest.
Yeah, and when we all agree
to support each other
in that insanity,
something even
crazier happens.
It becomes true.
Works every year.
Like clockwork.
Try telling that
to your catatonic friend.
I got a better idea.
Why don't we sing it?
Wait, what?
Let's not go overboard.
Will you commit
to something?
Let's sing it.
Yeah, let's sing.
Can we sing
while we blow Duncan away?
Absolutely.
Ow! Ah. Ah.
You start, Britta.
Mm.
And Christmas pterodactyl.
All right, all right.
I'm leaving.
Initiate self-destruct.
Don't you think
that's a little bit...?
I get it.
The meaning
of Christmas is...
the idea that Christmas
has meaning.
And it can mean
whatever we want.
For me, it used to mean
being with my mom.
Now it means
being with you guys.
Thanks, Lost.
Wow. I feel
so much better now.
I guess we don't need to be
stop motion anymore.
Well, why not just keep it going
for the rest of Christmas?
It just feels so right.
You ever get
the urge to just...?
Merry Christmas.
Oh, there. I said it.
Uh-oh.
We're stop motion again.
Oh. Don't worry, man.
I did this.
You did?
Yeah, it's cool.
Huh. Why?
Well, I always liked
the way fake food looked
on those animated shows.
Get a load of these things.
They stepped up a notch in
terms of visual deliciousness.
I know what you mean.
Look at that perfect bite.
It's odd that
I see this too though.
Yeah.
We're weird that way.
I'll say.
Ah. That's better.
So weird.