Really? Hi!
I looked everywhere.
Hey.
Happy New Year!
Hi.
Everyone have a good break?
I discovered a new muscle
to work out.
Ladies, you'll thank me
come tank-top season.
I checked all of
Pierce's wardrobes
for portals
to magical worlds.
All I found
was something called
Emmanuelle in Space
on laser disc.
I couldn't watch it
but it sounded sexy.
"Laser disc."
I joined a group
that cleans the city.
We picked up litter
and dredged the river.
Dredged it for what?
You know, garbage and stuff.
Tires. Condoms.
Needles.
Ha. At one point
we found a finger.
Why are you using
your I-love-butterflies voice?
What? Am I?
I don't know.
Volunteer work is nice.
You do nice things
with nice people.
Ooh.
Somebody's finding river fingers
with a cute boy.
What? No.
Well, okay, yes,
but it doesn't matter.
It's not like I'm seeing anyone.
There's just a guy.
A guy that goes to Greendale?
Is it the Russian guy
that looks like a short
Johnny Depp?
Is it the guy who looks
like Vince Vaughn
but smells like fish?
I don't wanna talk about it.
I have someone in my life
that I'm happy to talk about.
Again with the Jesus.
Jesus is always in my life.
But things have been
looking better every day
with my ex-husband.
Is it the guy
that looks like Anderson Cooper?
No.
Is it black Michael Chiklis?
No.
White George Foreman?
You guys are talking
about the same person.
He's bi-racial, his name is
David, and he's a human being.
Stop guessing. It's just a
friend. Change the subject.
"Chang" the subject.
Aah!
What are you doing up there?
It's the beginning of a new
semester of anthropology.
I'm here to get
what I was promised.
Sure. Who has
Chang's pile of nothing?
You know what I mean.
I am sick of the runaround.
I'm here to demand an answer
about whether I'm joining
the study group.
If we have to give
an immediate answer,
it would have to be no.
Take your time.
Sleep on it.
Then get back to me,
or else.
Jeff, you did say
we would let him in eventually.
That was before he started
using his name as a pun.
It makes me so Changry.
Oh, God, it's happening to me.
Let's get back to who Annie
loves. Is it Fat Neil?
Bluestreak?
Optimus Prime?
I know some of these
are Transformers.
Who cares?
Let's just study.
We haven't had
our first class yet.
Can we talk about something
other than Annie's love life?
We could talk about
my love life.
Is it Jean Claude Van Overbite?
We should learn
people's names.
I agree with brown
Jamie Lee Curtis.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE"
PLAYING]
Duncan's late.
I hope he didn't drive his car
into another marathon.
How can you wanna
date your ex-husband
after what he did to you?
He apologized.
Oh, he apologized.
I guess that completely
un-bangs that stripper.
Well, forgive me
for being forgiving.
Oh, that's right,
you don't know how.
I'm relieved Shirley is seeing
her ex-husband and not Chang.
Why would she be with Chang?
Why do I have to say
everything I'm thinking?
I wish my mouth
was further away from my brain.
I wish my brain
had its own brain.
I wish Chang hadn't had sex
with Shirley.
What? When?
Where?
How?
I can't talk about it.
Troy, I'm your roommate.
I can keep a secret.
Remember that Halloween party
that none of us can remember?
I don't remember anything
we can remember.
Well, Chang left me a message
that night saying they did it.
But you can't tell anybody.
You have my word
as your roommate,
and that is a bond
I will never violate.
You can't tweet it either.
We never discussed new media.
Sorry all that stuff
got dragged out
about me having a crush
on somebody.
Why would you be sorry
about that?
You know, awkward.
You don't think
I actually care, do you?
No, I just didn't want you
to think I thought you cared.
Greetings, welcome to your
second semester of anthropology
where it is about to get real.
Now, I forget
where we left off last year.
Uh... Fat Neil.
The Bronze Age?
Thank you, Fat Neil.
Neil's fine.
Not from an actuarial
standpoint.
Now, please forgive
my lateness,
but I wasn't sure
how to find Greendale sober.
Yes, you heard me right,
I have stopped drinking,
mainly due to the fact
that I could no longer
get an erection.
Now that I'm on the wagon,
you can expect both this class
and my penis
to be more focused
and rewarding.
Also, there's gonna be
more than one diorama.
Ugh.
Lame.
I am so sorry.
I train seeing-eye dogs
and today was graduation.
I couldn't leave without
shaking all their little paws.
Rich.
Jeff.
Rich.
Annie.
Annie? Rich?
You're taking anthropology?
You made it sound so fun.
We spent the holiday break
dredging a river together.
We found...
A finger, yeah. Hmm.
Sounds gruesome, but I'm used
to seeing that kind of thing.
Because I'm a doctor.
That's terrific.
You're valuable.
I can't believe Rich actually
enrolled in our class.
It means he likes me,
right?
Why wouldn't he?
He is so sweet.
Yeah, sweet and wise.
He has lived
such a long, full life.
How old is he again?
Thirty-something.
He has a landline
and uses the word "album."
You don't think
he's too old for me?
No.
No, come on, by that logic,
I wouldn't have a shot
with anybody at this table.
Ugh.
Speaking of creepy,
sober Duncan is worse
than drunk Duncan.
This class is about to
get really hard.
I have an idea about that.
Rich is really smart
and he knows a lot
about anthropology.
If we start
studying with him,
it could help a lot,
plus, you know...
Heh-heh.
Oh, you know what, though?
I just realized.
So unfair to so many people,
right?
Britta,
you're always talking about
how we have no one
of Latin descent.
Pierce, you're looking
for someone old enough
to find your racism subversive.
I could go on and on.
There's a process.
It takes time.
Well, then I say
we gather all the candidates
and make an informed,
democratic decision.
We can have a mixer,
invite the people
we're submitting
for consideration.
All in favor of tonight?
Oh, I am.
Thank you, I'm finished.
No, I'd say you got
about two more good years.
Oh, everyone,
this is Andre.
My ex-husband
and boyfriend.
He came to spend the day
with me.
Hey, nice to meet you guys.
I've heard a lot about you.
We haven't heard
a lot about you
or what you've done
or with who.
Well, I hope
you give me a chance
to make up for everything
you haven't heard.
Hey, how about a round
of soft serve on me?
Isn't he handsome?
Shirley, I've been fed a lot
of soft serve by a lot of guys.
Sometimes it's rent money,
sometimes it's
Chili Peppers tickets.
And, yeah, I'll admit it,
one time it was a gym bag
full of nickels.
But it never lasts
and they never change.
Britta, I'm a grown-ass woman
and I made my decision.
How do you know
it's the right one?
Because I'm pregnant, okay?
I was going to wait
to share my exciting news,
but now's a good time
to tell you
that I am eight weeks along.
Which is a little surprising.
Halloween.
What?
Nothing.
Thanks for coming,
fellow anthropology students.
For the first semester,
you knew us as
"that study group."
But tonight,
we wanna get to know you.
Please forgive the spread.
The vending machines
haven't been restocked.
So help yourselves
to Tropical Skittles,
cigarettes or mouth wash.
And have a good time.
Okay.
I have to figure out
if Shirley did it
with her ex-husband
the week after Halloween.
How are you gonna do that?
I got moves.
So bun in the oven.
Guess it's no surprise,
after working on it.
I wouldn't quite say
working on it,
just kind of happens.
Oh, yeah, I do.
Especially
when the season's right.
Oh. Dead leaves.
Pumpkins everywhere.
Nature's Viagra, right?
I guess.
And then when all the pumpkins
just start to rot
and all the children
have removed their outfits
because they've already
gotten their candy.
You know, I'm gonna go talk
to some other people, all right?
So?
His mind is like a fortress.
Why not tell Shirley,
"Look, you slept with Chang,"
and let her deal with it?
If someone had sex with Chang
and get to not remember
it happened,
that's a gift from God.
I'm not taking
that away from her.
Here's a good reason.
You ever find parsley
in your teeth
that your friends
hadn't told you about?
Now imagine your teeth
are a uterus,
and the parsley
is a half-Chinese baby.
Hey, guys,
I want you to meet someone.
My name's Quendra,
I spell it with a Q-U.
She's thinking
about taking anthropology.
So maybe she would make
a nice addition or two
to our study group.
Something to consider.
Are you Abed?
I love Star Wars.
That's Troy.
I love footballs.
We're dealing with
heavier things
than your shameless lobbying.
Rich brought kettle corn.
Kettle corn?
That's a fun-time snack.
I make it in my garage.
I spell kettle corn
with a Q-U.
Well, don't.
What is this?
What's going on?
It's a mixer.
Why is everyone
from anthro class here?
Are you guys picking
a new study group member?
You didn't invite me?
Didn't know how to reach you.
What are you talking about?
I'm everywhere.
We didn't know
how to reach you.
That's not true.
That's a lie.
We didn't know how to reach you.
It's a mixer.
It's a mixer. It's a mixer.
It's a mixer.
Works every time.
This is so good.
Fifty dollars? What a pig.
You can't make this at home.
Jeff, I think
we should vote now.
Most people left
after we ran out of Skittles.
Come on, it's pretty obvious
Rich is the best candidate.
Yeah, looks like he's our guy.
I'll be right there.
This can't be happening.
I agree.
You can't talk,
then do a slow clap.
You don't know that.
But I know this.
Unless you want a front row seat
to Annie loves Richie,
it's time to "Chang"
your point of view.
It's not even clever.
You keep using it
as the word "change."
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Just do me a favor.
Let me do all the talking
and follow my lead.
Deal.
Seriously,
do you have brain damage?
Rich is also board-certified
in pediatrics.
Once a month he flies down
to volunteer in the rainforest
fixing children's
cleft palates
and teaching them
acoustic guitar.
Other than that, well,
his kettle corn
speaks for itself.
I couldn't agree more.
Looks like this is
an open-and-shut case.
Did someone say case?
Because I haven't made mine yet.
What? What's your case?
Ben Chang is my case.
You can't be serious.
Oh, I'm serious, baby.
I am Yahoo Serious.
I'm Serious FM.
Welcome to the
World Serious of Seriousness.
Sponsored by Honey Nut Seri-os.
Are you stalling right now?
Stalling?
Ha-ha-ha.
Stalling.
No, Annie.
In fact, you're gonna wish
I was stalling.
Oh, I just got it. Thank you.
Oh.
I wanna say
some names to you.
Want some?
Jeffrey Dahmer.
Ted Bundy.
Rich.
What do they have in common?
We don't know them very well.
What do we know about Ben Chang?
We know he's nuts.
Let him finish.
We know he's dangerous.
Unpredictable. Selfish.
We know he uses his name
to make bad puns.
Guilty as Chang'd.
When he talks,
he over- and under-emphasizes
words at random.
When he eats,
he holds his fork
like a murderer's knife,
gnawing at
its skewered payload
like a deranged
woodland rodent.
Bring it home.
He smells like Band-Aids.
We know he dresses
like a Cuban cab driver.
We know he exhibits...
Nay, flaunts, proudly,
obvious symptoms
of over half a dozen disorders
you wouldn't wish
on your worst enemy's pets.
Feel the heat.
We know these things
about Ben Chang.
And so much more than we ever
wanted to know about him.
Why?
Because it's there.
It's on the surface.
What you see
may be what you don't want,
but it's also what you get.
Wow.
Who is this kettle corn
popping phantom?
This human question mark?
This number eight scoop
of vanilla tapioca
with a PhD in Being Swell
and a masters in
Everybody Loves Me?
Who is it?
We may never know.
I only know one thing.
Nobody is this good a person.
And nobody
can get any worse than this.
He's horrible.
Now.
Who's voting for Chang?
Who's voting for Rich?
Uh...
Shirley.
Oh, wow. What you gonna do,
baby?
I don't know.
Shirley, this is the best
kettle corn I've ever had.
If you don't vote for Rich,
I'll shatter your world.
You gonna what?
I'll shatter your world.
I heard you.
I vote for Chang.
Yes, yes. In your face.
Yes.
No. No.
Yes.
Chang and Shirley
had sex on Halloween.
Huh?
What?
You may be pregnant
with his baby.
No, no, no. Mm-mm.
Pierce!
She crossed me.
Is that why
you were interrogating me
about my sexual activity?
Troy?
Chang left me a voicemail
on Halloween
to say that you two did it.
I could hear you
in the background.
Shirley,
what is he talking about?
I don't remember
that night.
Nobody
remembers anything.
Oh. Now I understand
these photos.
Do you mind if I forward these
to my brother?
Oh! I want this man
out of here.
Well, you just voted him in,
so...
What is wrong with you?
Shirley is in crisis.
This isn't silly anymore.
I don't understand.
Just wait, baby.
I don't understand either,
but we can work this out.
We'll figure it out.
Andre, no.
I think that this is
a good time to go.
ANNIE & PIERCE:
Rich, no.
You finally did it,
Jeff Winger.
You finally hurt this group
in a way that will never heal.
Kettle corn.
There you are.
Can you explain to me
what you've been doing?
Well, Annie, when a man loves
food and beverages very much,
and they pass
through his system...
I'm not in the mood, Jeff.
Explain your behavior
with Rich today.
Sorry not everyone
is as in love
with Dr. Do-No-Wrong
as you are.
And don't say it's because
I'm jealous of him.
Oh, come on, Jeff.
I'm sick of this.
One minute,
I'm too young to date,
the next, you're trying
to get rid of guys I like.
Either you want me, or you
don't. What's it gonna be?
I wish I could give you
an answer that makes sense.
Relationships
are complicated.
And we're in
the men's room.
Fine.
Well, I'm gonna ask Rich out.
Nothing complicated
about that.
There you are.
Did I walk into
the wrong bathroom?
You have to find Andre and talk
to him. Shirley is devastated.
Since when do you want him
in her life?
I'm not a fan of the guy,
but I'm a fan of Shirley
and this is what she wants.
There you are.
Mezzanine?
Hmm. Nice sweater.
Mm.
My dad gave it to me.
So, um...
Look, I'm not mad at Shirley.
You're not?
No, I'm mad at myself.
You know, if I hadn't
left her like I did,
none of this
would've happened.
You ever have something
that you didn't
truly appreciate
until you didn't have it
anymore?
Oh, yeah. Keristina.
Old girlfriend?
Almond facial scrub.
They only make it in Finland.
The old me would have been
long gone by now.
I didn't think
I could ever change
but the love of a good woman
makes anything possible.
Looks like I'm gonna be
a daddy again.
Yeah, but...
Hey.
It doesn't matter
who the baby's father is,
I'm in for the long haul.
If it's mine,
he's gonna be
a great football player.
And if it's Chang's,
we'll go for golf.
Hey.
Annie just texted me.
She asked Rich out.
Cool.
He said no.
He said she's great,
but too young.
Don't say anything until
I've said what I gotta say.
I've known you
for almost two years now,
and I've never taken you
as seriously as I should have.
You are the strangest,
coolest,
most genuine person
I've ever met,
and the thing
that scares me about you
is how good
you make me wish I was.
Help me, Rich.
Help me become like you.
I mean,
I am so amazing,
but I'm not perfect.
You are.
Give me that power
so I can abuse it.
Heh. Jeff,
you are one funny bunny.
You can't just fake
being good
in order to get away
with doing bad things.
I completely understand.
And do you understand
that I still have to try?
And if you don't help me,
you're a bad person.
You got me there, guy.
Come on in and dry off.
Oh. Smells delicious.
Are you baking?
Yeah, muffin tops.
Today we'll show you
how to make kettle corn
with Dr. Rich.
How do I get
one of those giant spoons?
Well, actually,
I carved this one myself
after lighting struck
an oak tree in my backyard.
And then, I made my nephew
a rocking horse.
That's adorable.
Nice. Smells heavenly.
What sets your kettle corn
apart?
Well, it's a secret ingredient,
a couple extra pinches
of love.
Oh. You can't beat that.
That feels good.
Not this again.
Rich, you know they're doing
a fake morning show.
There are no cameras.
I know.
It's just a fun way
to start the day.
So grab a paddle, partner,
and hop on in here.
You know what,
that does sound...
Yeah.