1 00:00:02,264 --> 00:00:04,694 Gather close that you might hearken 2 00:00:04,814 --> 00:00:07,653 the story of Fat Neil. 3 00:00:07,654 --> 00:00:10,333 Born stout of heart, but large of bone, 4 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,578 his adolescent years were shadowed 5 00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:14,206 by scorn and mockery. 6 00:00:14,207 --> 00:00:17,340 Hey, fatty, fatty. 7 00:00:17,688 --> 00:00:19,688 Outlets of fantasy afforded him 8 00:00:19,755 --> 00:00:22,619 some escape from the darkness throughout high school. 9 00:00:22,827 --> 00:00:26,328 And as a man, he traveled far to a new school 10 00:00:26,329 --> 00:00:27,884 and a new beginning... 11 00:00:28,255 --> 00:00:30,555 Or so he thought. 12 00:00:30,621 --> 00:00:34,788 - Yeah, it's down by Fat Neil. - I'ts Fat Neil 13 00:00:34,852 --> 00:00:36,978 The name became a joke. 14 00:00:37,055 --> 00:00:38,888 I'll have what Fat Neil's having. 15 00:00:38,955 --> 00:00:40,788 The joke became his life. 16 00:00:40,855 --> 00:00:42,088 Yes, Fat Neil. 17 00:00:42,155 --> 00:00:44,555 And Neil fell again into darkness, 18 00:00:44,621 --> 00:00:47,587 only this time, his thoughts turned to an escape 19 00:00:47,588 --> 00:00:50,146 of which we dare not speak. 20 00:00:50,147 --> 00:00:53,047 But pain need not be spoken to be known, 21 00:00:53,122 --> 00:00:53,983 not to all. 22 00:00:53,984 --> 00:00:56,551 It was, strangely, Jeff the Liar, 23 00:00:56,588 --> 00:00:58,388 son of William the Barely Known, 24 00:00:58,454 --> 00:01:00,755 who first became concerned. 25 00:01:00,822 --> 00:01:01,721 Neil. 26 00:01:01,722 --> 00:01:03,995 It was Jeff who pretended to be interested 27 00:01:03,996 --> 00:01:05,462 in Dungeons & Dragons, 28 00:01:05,655 --> 00:01:07,755 in an effort to lift Neil's spirits. 29 00:01:07,822 --> 00:01:09,922 And when Jeff's fake interest 30 00:01:09,988 --> 00:01:12,243 resulted in Neil giving Jeff all his books, 31 00:01:12,244 --> 00:01:15,811 explaining he wouldn't need them anymore... 32 00:01:17,621 --> 00:01:19,721 It was Annie the Dayplanner, 33 00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,721 herself a recovering head case, 34 00:01:21,788 --> 00:01:24,922 that recognized the signs of coming doom. 35 00:01:24,988 --> 00:01:26,289 A council was called. 36 00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,354 Troy the Obtuse... 37 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:30,055 Shirley the Cloying, 38 00:01:30,122 --> 00:01:31,888 Abed the Undiagnosable... 39 00:01:31,955 --> 00:01:33,155 Julian Assange is a modern day... 40 00:01:33,222 --> 00:01:35,388 Britta the Needlessly Defiant. 41 00:01:35,454 --> 00:01:37,341 For reasons that should be obvious, 42 00:01:37,342 --> 00:01:38,633 Pierce the Insensitive, 43 00:01:38,634 --> 00:01:40,734 known also as Pierce the Dickish 44 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,211 and Grandpa the Flatulent, 45 00:01:42,212 --> 00:01:43,646 was not invited. 46 00:01:43,993 --> 00:01:46,393 The group agreed that what Fat Neil needed most, 47 00:01:46,459 --> 00:01:48,626 was to feel like a winner for a change. 48 00:01:48,693 --> 00:01:50,960 They would invite Neil that Saturday, 49 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,593 to a game of Dungeons & Dragons, 50 00:01:52,660 --> 00:01:56,393 designed by Abed to help Neil reclaim his confidence. 51 00:01:56,394 --> 00:01:57,653 For Neil. 52 00:01:57,654 --> 00:01:59,226 At the end of the meeting, 53 00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:01,693 they realized that Chang had been there 54 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,560 and felt too awkward to mention it. 55 00:02:06,288 --> 00:02:07,526 What they couldn't have known 56 00:02:07,593 --> 00:02:09,192 was that they had just scheduled 57 00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:12,726 the most important game of Dungeons & Dragons ever. 58 00:02:12,793 --> 00:02:15,693 A game which not only might save a life, 59 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,092 but which would forever change the balance 60 00:02:18,159 --> 00:02:22,027 between good and Pierce. 61 00:02:22,227 --> 00:02:26,727 Community 2x14 - Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 62 00:02:27,206 --> 00:02:31,706 Sync by vNaru - Corrected by Addic7ed www.addic7ed.com 63 00:02:51,092 --> 00:02:51,993 Hi. 64 00:02:52,059 --> 00:02:53,059 Hey, Neil, 65 00:02:53,126 --> 00:02:55,192 this is gonna be awesome, yo. 66 00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:56,593 So we're just gonna ignore that hate crime, huh? 67 00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:58,660 I'm a dark elf, or a trau. 68 00:02:58,726 --> 00:03:00,560 Shouldn't you be wearing armor or something? 69 00:03:00,626 --> 00:03:02,393 Ha-ha. I'm an elf, not a nerd. 70 00:03:02,402 --> 00:03:03,195 So you guys suddenly just 71 00:03:03,196 --> 00:03:04,496 wanted to play Dungeons & Dragons? 72 00:03:04,693 --> 00:03:06,260 Y-yeah. 73 00:03:06,315 --> 00:03:08,182 - W-why wouldn't we? - Yes. 74 00:03:08,192 --> 00:03:09,626 It's cool, and when you play it, 75 00:03:09,693 --> 00:03:11,092 it makes you happy... 76 00:03:11,159 --> 00:03:12,993 Like a dragon. 77 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:14,268 Okay, hi. 78 00:03:14,333 --> 00:03:15,734 I am your dungeon master. 79 00:03:15,801 --> 00:03:17,333 We will be playing this adventure... 80 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:18,867 "The Cavern of Draconis." 81 00:03:18,934 --> 00:03:20,367 - Ooh! - Neil. 82 00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:21,878 I understand Neil has his own character 83 00:03:21,879 --> 00:03:23,645 named Duquesne that he's been playing for years, 84 00:03:23,834 --> 00:03:25,600 so I made these for you guys. 85 00:03:25,667 --> 00:03:27,380 Now, take your time. Choose your character carefully. 86 00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:30,047 They each have their own unique combination of strength and... 87 00:03:30,534 --> 00:03:31,041 All righty. 88 00:03:31,042 --> 00:03:33,085 Shouldn't there be a board or some pieces 89 00:03:33,086 --> 00:03:34,486 or something to Jenga? 90 00:03:34,667 --> 00:03:36,034 No, no, this is a role-playing game. 91 00:03:36,101 --> 00:03:38,168 It takes place entirely in our collective imagination. 92 00:03:38,234 --> 00:03:39,976 Ooh. Neil. 93 00:03:39,977 --> 00:03:40,820 I tell a story, 94 00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:42,941 and you make choices in the story, okay? 95 00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:44,234 Let's begin. 96 00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:45,867 You are all standing on a country road. 97 00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:47,934 Legend has it the evil dragon Draconis 98 00:03:47,941 --> 00:03:49,707 dwells nearby, guarding a massive pile of treasure. 99 00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:51,114 Working as a team, 100 00:03:51,115 --> 00:03:53,314 your goal is to track down the dragon, kill him, 101 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,168 and then claim the treasure as your own. 102 00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:56,249 Jeff, your turn. 103 00:03:56,250 --> 00:03:57,724 Oh, it's my turn? 104 00:03:57,725 --> 00:04:00,132 Oh, uhm... What do I do, roll dice? 105 00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:01,064 You tell me what you want to do, 106 00:04:01,065 --> 00:04:03,064 then I roll the dice to see if you're successful. 107 00:04:03,433 --> 00:04:04,734 What are my choices? 108 00:04:04,801 --> 00:04:05,761 Okay, you're slowing things down, Jeff. 109 00:04:05,762 --> 00:04:06,496 Shirley, what do you want to do? 110 00:04:06,497 --> 00:04:08,730 I'd like to introduce myself to the group. 111 00:04:08,799 --> 00:04:11,566 Hello. I am a dwarf named Zippity-Do. 112 00:04:11,967 --> 00:04:13,425 Okay, I'm not the best at making up names. 113 00:04:13,426 --> 00:04:17,587 Oh, hey. I'm Marrrrrr. 114 00:04:17,896 --> 00:04:18,977 Boy, you weren't kidding. 115 00:04:18,978 --> 00:04:21,411 Hello, Marrrrrr. 116 00:04:21,492 --> 00:04:23,982 My name is Bing Bong the Archer. 117 00:04:23,983 --> 00:04:25,084 I'm an archer and such. 118 00:04:25,085 --> 00:04:28,914 I'm... Ew! Hector the well-endowed? Abed. 119 00:04:28,915 --> 00:04:30,348 I didn't know you'd just grab one at random. 120 00:04:30,349 --> 00:04:32,482 I made that one with Troy in mind. 121 00:04:32,934 --> 00:04:34,123 Yeah, I bet you did. 122 00:04:34,124 --> 00:04:36,191 Okay, hi! I'm Lavernica. 123 00:04:36,806 --> 00:04:38,373 I have three armors, 124 00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:39,725 boots, 125 00:04:39,792 --> 00:04:40,892 a belt, 126 00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:41,917 a torch... 127 00:04:41,918 --> 00:04:42,871 Wait, let her finish. 128 00:04:42,872 --> 00:04:46,375 Worst introduction ever. Check it. 129 00:04:46,438 --> 00:04:48,672 I am Brutalitops, 130 00:04:49,078 --> 00:04:51,178 the magician! 131 00:04:51,338 --> 00:04:53,135 Magic user, baby... What? 132 00:04:53,136 --> 00:04:55,407 An arrow flies through the air almost hitting Brutalitops. 133 00:04:55,764 --> 00:04:56,904 Six goblins are running toward you 134 00:04:56,905 --> 00:04:58,283 from the tree line, drawing daggers. 135 00:04:58,343 --> 00:04:58,914 Oh! 136 00:04:59,195 --> 00:05:00,785 I attack them using my... 137 00:05:00,988 --> 00:05:02,811 Additional notes. 138 00:05:02,812 --> 00:05:03,880 It has no effect. Britta? 139 00:05:03,881 --> 00:05:06,179 I want to know why these goblins are attacking us. 140 00:05:06,262 --> 00:05:08,470 Maybe these woods are their rightful land, 141 00:05:08,471 --> 00:05:09,880 and from their perspective... 142 00:05:11,546 --> 00:05:13,546 You're the AT&T of people. 143 00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:16,045 - You've been shot by an arrow. - Awww. 144 00:05:16,134 --> 00:05:17,223 Yeah, it hurts. Jeff. 145 00:05:17,282 --> 00:05:18,614 Uh, I take my throwing knife 146 00:05:18,647 --> 00:05:20,514 and throw it, knife-style. 147 00:05:20,982 --> 00:05:22,042 You do ten points of damage. 148 00:05:22,043 --> 00:05:23,076 Look at that. 149 00:05:23,102 --> 00:05:24,890 - What am I not good at? - Sex. 150 00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,458 But the goblins close in, surrounding you on all sides. 151 00:05:27,976 --> 00:05:30,174 I draw my plus-three sword of Duquesne 152 00:05:30,175 --> 00:05:32,623 and attack in a 180-degree arc. 153 00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:34,228 The goblins are terrified as Duquesne draws 154 00:05:34,229 --> 00:05:36,108 his powerful glowing sword from its sheath... 155 00:05:36,323 --> 00:05:39,477 And in one move, slices the throats of three charging goblins! 156 00:05:39,478 --> 00:05:40,904 - Oh! - Oh, that's good. 157 00:05:41,047 --> 00:05:42,100 The rest of the goblins run away. 158 00:05:42,101 --> 00:05:44,598 Great job with the sword, Neil... You saved us. 159 00:05:44,643 --> 00:05:46,428 What would we have done if you didn't exist? 160 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:47,529 Dial it back, Lavernica. 161 00:05:55,429 --> 00:05:57,501 Pierce, what are you doing here? 162 00:05:57,502 --> 00:06:00,136 How about you answer that question? 163 00:06:00,763 --> 00:06:03,016 What the hell is this little tea party? 164 00:06:03,017 --> 00:06:05,159 We're playing Dungeons & Dragons. 165 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:06,626 First of all, gay. 166 00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,600 Second of all, stupid. 167 00:06:09,029 --> 00:06:11,429 And thirdly... 168 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,488 Why was this a secret? 169 00:06:13,489 --> 00:06:15,163 Are you cutting me out of the group? 170 00:06:15,164 --> 00:06:17,565 I guess we must have forgot. 171 00:06:17,896 --> 00:06:20,273 - Mm-hmm. - Yeah, that's what it was. 172 00:06:20,274 --> 00:06:22,574 But you remembered to invite Al Jolson here. 173 00:06:22,929 --> 00:06:25,830 And you remembered to let fatty sit in my chair. 174 00:06:26,588 --> 00:06:28,357 Get out! You're stretching it! 175 00:06:28,376 --> 00:06:30,623 Pierce, can we talk to you outside for a second? 176 00:06:30,755 --> 00:06:32,754 Kind of missed that opportunity already, didn't you? 177 00:06:32,755 --> 00:06:34,719 Yeah, but there's a very specific reason. 178 00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,087 Let's just play, all right? 179 00:06:36,088 --> 00:06:37,137 I don't have a character for you. 180 00:06:37,138 --> 00:06:38,319 I don't care, I just want to play the game. 181 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:39,819 - I don't need a character. - I think you do. 182 00:06:40,282 --> 00:06:42,849 Just put me in the stupid game, now. 183 00:06:43,265 --> 00:06:44,665 Okay, um... 184 00:06:44,731 --> 00:06:46,566 As you watch the goblins retreat, 185 00:06:46,567 --> 00:06:48,914 you notice a 67-year-old naked man with no weapons, 186 00:06:48,915 --> 00:06:50,114 lying in the wet grass, shivering. 187 00:06:50,531 --> 00:06:51,605 His name is... 188 00:06:51,606 --> 00:06:54,406 Pierce Hawthorne, and I'm 66, dick. 189 00:06:54,567 --> 00:06:56,451 In about 13 turns, he will die of exposure. 190 00:06:56,452 --> 00:06:58,463 - Jeff? - I wait 14 turns. 191 00:06:58,464 --> 00:06:59,968 Screw you guys. I'm gonna win. 192 00:06:59,969 --> 00:07:02,134 I go to the naked man, and I give him my cloak. 193 00:07:02,531 --> 00:07:03,384 Oh. 194 00:07:03,386 --> 00:07:06,519 Pierce, I am Duquesne of clan Duquesne. 195 00:07:06,598 --> 00:07:07,965 Dumb name. 196 00:07:08,032 --> 00:07:10,798 I'm gonna take his sword. Can I take his sword? 197 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:12,831 You've got his sword. 198 00:07:12,898 --> 00:07:16,010 Pierce, knock it off. You're playing the game wrong. 199 00:07:16,011 --> 00:07:16,865 We'll see. 200 00:07:16,866 --> 00:07:19,285 Okay, I take the Duquesne sword from the naked man. 201 00:07:19,286 --> 00:07:21,195 I attack him! I attack Black Face! 202 00:07:21,818 --> 00:07:23,684 - It's a critical hit. - Wha... 203 00:07:24,648 --> 00:07:26,186 You've decapitated him. Brutalitops is dead. 204 00:07:26,270 --> 00:07:27,236 What? 205 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,557 No! 206 00:07:29,832 --> 00:07:30,958 Chang... 207 00:07:31,206 --> 00:07:33,107 I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask for your character sheet. 208 00:07:54,639 --> 00:07:56,838 - Still your turn. - I run. 209 00:07:56,885 --> 00:07:58,642 What? You run? 210 00:07:58,643 --> 00:07:59,786 The naked man is running into the woods. 211 00:07:59,787 --> 00:08:02,954 - But he has my sword. - Can we catch him, please? 212 00:08:03,125 --> 00:08:04,220 Well, the cloak that Duquesne gave him, 213 00:08:04,221 --> 00:08:05,389 was an elven cloak of windwalking, 214 00:08:05,392 --> 00:08:08,314 which is double speed, so, no. He's gone. 215 00:08:08,315 --> 00:08:10,309 - Damn it! - It took me ten years 216 00:08:10,310 --> 00:08:12,125 and 50 campaigns to get that sword. 217 00:08:12,368 --> 00:08:13,096 Really? 218 00:08:13,097 --> 00:08:15,562 Maybe I'll wipe my ass with it and throw it off a cliff. 219 00:08:16,689 --> 00:08:18,222 That's for sitting in my chair, fatty. 220 00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,788 I take it that means I'm winning. 221 00:08:28,643 --> 00:08:30,476 Pierce, you've made your point. 222 00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:32,077 You can ruin anything. 223 00:08:32,144 --> 00:08:34,044 Now come back and give Neil his sword. 224 00:08:34,110 --> 00:08:35,377 I can't hear you over the sound 225 00:08:35,443 --> 00:08:37,411 of me rubbing his sword on my balls. 226 00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:38,576 - Pierce! - Ew! 227 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,411 You have... 228 00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:42,277 Successfully rubbed your balls on the sword. 229 00:08:42,344 --> 00:08:43,745 Abed, don't help him. 230 00:08:43,746 --> 00:08:45,610 You're the dungeon master. Just kill Pierce 231 00:08:45,677 --> 00:08:47,576 and give Neil back his sword... He's upset. 232 00:08:47,643 --> 00:08:49,144 I'm the dungeon master... I have to be impartial, 233 00:08:49,210 --> 00:08:50,136 or the game has no meaning. 234 00:08:50,137 --> 00:08:51,636 Can you just give Neil a new sword? 235 00:08:51,777 --> 00:08:52,810 That sword is one of a kind. 236 00:08:52,877 --> 00:08:54,753 It was forged by my ancestors. 237 00:08:54,754 --> 00:08:56,237 I hump it. 238 00:08:56,576 --> 00:08:58,712 That's it. Pierce, Abed, 239 00:08:58,713 --> 00:09:00,579 I need to have a talk with you in the hall. 240 00:09:01,061 --> 00:09:02,301 What? Hey... 241 00:09:02,715 --> 00:09:03,816 - Hey! - That kid in there 242 00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:05,344 is severely depressed. 243 00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:06,810 Oh, yeah, is that what he told you? 244 00:09:06,877 --> 00:09:08,710 From the looks of it, he's been using that line 245 00:09:08,777 --> 00:09:11,110 since he was five years old to get an extra slice of pie. 246 00:09:11,177 --> 00:09:12,944 What the hell is wrong with you? 247 00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:15,475 I don't like being excluded, Jeff! 248 00:09:15,476 --> 00:09:16,810 - Do you? - Yes! 249 00:09:16,877 --> 00:09:20,244 Now, go in there and tell him you're giving him his sword, 250 00:09:20,311 --> 00:09:22,277 or you are out of the study group. 251 00:09:22,344 --> 00:09:24,311 I'm sick of you threatening me 252 00:09:24,377 --> 00:09:25,710 and talking to me like a kid 253 00:09:25,777 --> 00:09:27,674 and giving me that look you give me 254 00:09:27,675 --> 00:09:28,843 like I can't get erections! 255 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:30,740 What? 256 00:09:30,741 --> 00:09:32,500 - Abed, I keep running. - Okay. 257 00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:33,619 But since you're working against the group, 258 00:09:33,620 --> 00:09:35,017 I need to separate you from them. 259 00:09:35,018 --> 00:09:38,800 Good. Who wants to sit with a bunch of fat crybabies anyway? 260 00:09:38,867 --> 00:09:40,867 Call me when you're ready for my next move. 261 00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:44,933 Pierce refuses to give back the sword. 262 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,434 Our new goal is to find him and kill him. 263 00:09:47,501 --> 00:09:48,633 I think I just want to go home. 264 00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:51,234 Neil, do not do that. 265 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,200 We're gonna get that sword back, okay? 266 00:09:53,267 --> 00:09:56,334 Now, is there a way of moving faster than he's moving 267 00:09:56,401 --> 00:09:57,900 in his cape of whatever? 268 00:09:59,543 --> 00:10:00,748 I guess if we had a Pegasus. 269 00:10:00,749 --> 00:10:02,716 If that's sarcasm, I can't tell, 270 00:10:02,867 --> 00:10:05,267 because everything in this game is silly. 271 00:10:05,334 --> 00:10:07,401 Um, Abed, can we get a Pegasus? 272 00:10:07,467 --> 00:10:09,467 I can't give you information like that. 273 00:10:09,533 --> 00:10:12,267 Well, there's got to be a town nearby. 274 00:10:12,334 --> 00:10:14,967 We will go to that town and ask around... 275 00:10:15,034 --> 00:10:16,067 About a Pegasus! 276 00:10:16,134 --> 00:10:17,034 Huzzah! 277 00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:18,167 Is that right? 278 00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:21,366 And so it was that the group 279 00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:23,580 began to describe themselves walking. 280 00:10:24,434 --> 00:10:27,206 And as they described themselves walking, 281 00:10:27,207 --> 00:10:30,095 so did Abed confirm that they walked... 282 00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:30,973 I walk with them. 283 00:10:30,974 --> 00:10:32,171 Until... 284 00:10:32,172 --> 00:10:34,900 This is a local elf tavern, but all races are welcome. 285 00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:36,600 Aw! 286 00:10:36,666 --> 00:10:38,267 Okay, it's a crowded and rowdy evening. 287 00:10:38,334 --> 00:10:39,618 Beleaguered gnomes hurry to and fro 288 00:10:39,619 --> 00:10:40,853 with glasses of mead for the thirsty elves. 289 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,800 Beleaguered? Why are they beleaguered? 290 00:10:42,867 --> 00:10:44,434 - Who cares? - Cares? 291 00:10:44,501 --> 00:10:46,534 Find a waiter and introduce myself. 292 00:10:48,042 --> 00:10:49,975 Argy bargy arg barg barg. 293 00:10:50,134 --> 00:10:52,046 - Why is he a pirate? - He's a gnome. 294 00:10:52,047 --> 00:10:54,767 - He only speaks gnome. - Anybody here speak gnome? 295 00:10:54,833 --> 00:10:56,034 Oh! I do! Lavernica does. 296 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:57,566 Oh, this'll be painless. 297 00:10:57,633 --> 00:10:59,867 Hello, my friend and brother. 298 00:10:59,933 --> 00:11:01,633 How can I help you, dear madam? 299 00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:03,661 Oh, please, no need for such deference. 300 00:11:03,662 --> 00:11:04,828 I am no better than a gnome. 301 00:11:04,829 --> 00:11:05,933 Yes, you are, madam. 302 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,434 You are a human warrior, 303 00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:10,200 which is five species classes greater than I. 304 00:11:10,267 --> 00:11:12,566 That's disgusting. Don't talk like that. 305 00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:13,967 I am so sorry, madam! 306 00:11:14,034 --> 00:11:16,034 Please don't report me for execution! 307 00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:17,600 Oh, no, no, no! I didn't mean that. 308 00:11:17,666 --> 00:11:19,933 Guys, we have got to do something about these gnomes. 309 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,600 - Um... - Britta, ask the stupid gnome 310 00:11:21,666 --> 00:11:23,200 where we can get a Pegasus! 311 00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:24,434 Did someone say "Pegasus"? 312 00:11:24,501 --> 00:11:26,833 A word I understand in every language? 313 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,200 Okay, here's all 314 00:11:33,267 --> 00:11:35,034 the Dungeons & Dragons stuff I could find. 315 00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,234 I had to carry it all the way from my car. 316 00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:40,700 It's very heavy, and my doctor said... 317 00:11:54,566 --> 00:11:56,227 Following the directions given to you by the gnome, 318 00:11:56,228 --> 00:11:58,969 - you arrive at a field full of majestic Pegasi. - Finally. 319 00:11:58,970 --> 00:11:59,799 But they are guarded 320 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,900 by a mysterious and beautiful elf maiden, 321 00:12:01,933 --> 00:12:03,867 who seems drawn to Marrrrrr. 322 00:12:03,933 --> 00:12:06,600 Oh. Okay. Well, I explain that we need a Pegasus, 323 00:12:06,666 --> 00:12:09,034 and, uh, I don't know, 324 00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:10,700 promise to fill it up before we bring it back. 325 00:12:10,767 --> 00:12:11,867 She flirts with you. 326 00:12:11,933 --> 00:12:13,367 - I flirt back. - How? 327 00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,033 - I say something sexy. - Like what? 328 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:15,926 Abed. 329 00:12:16,219 --> 00:12:19,186 Uh... Okay. 330 00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:21,566 Excuse me, I don't normally do this, 331 00:12:21,633 --> 00:12:24,800 but you're the most beautiful creature I've ever seen, 332 00:12:24,867 --> 00:12:27,067 and I would really love a Pegasus. 333 00:12:27,134 --> 00:12:28,933 - Ugh. - Works for me. 334 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,401 You're very handsome, you know. 335 00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:31,967 Yeah. 336 00:12:32,034 --> 00:12:34,367 Well, you know, I'm not really comfortable with this. 337 00:12:34,434 --> 00:12:36,067 My stable has a bedding of heather. 338 00:12:36,134 --> 00:12:38,100 Perhaps you'd be more comfortable indoors. 339 00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:39,533 Abed, try to look at what you're doing 340 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:40,867 and understand that I don't want to. 341 00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:41,932 You've offended the elf maiden. 342 00:12:41,933 --> 00:12:43,598 She seems disinterested in doing business with you today. 343 00:12:43,633 --> 00:12:44,339 What? 344 00:12:44,340 --> 00:12:46,095 All right, come on, can we just do this? 345 00:12:46,096 --> 00:12:49,100 Hi. Hello. I am Hector the well-endowed. 346 00:12:49,167 --> 00:12:51,334 You've got a bunch of Pegasi. Let's make a deal. 347 00:12:51,401 --> 00:12:53,200 What kind of deal? 348 00:12:53,267 --> 00:12:54,867 All right, I take her by the hand 349 00:12:54,933 --> 00:12:56,367 and lead her to the stable. 350 00:12:56,434 --> 00:12:58,900 I light a candle and rip off a piece of my tunic, 351 00:12:58,967 --> 00:13:00,234 which I fashion into a blindfold. 352 00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:03,134 - Oh, Hector, but I don't know... - Shh. Shh. 353 00:13:04,169 --> 00:13:07,870 I place it gently over the elf maiden's eyes. I slowly... 354 00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:34,362 Okay. You both fall back, exhausted but still entwined. 355 00:13:34,429 --> 00:13:36,196 Okay, great. I stroke her hair lovingly 356 00:13:36,263 --> 00:13:37,896 and spoon her for the appropriate amount of time 357 00:13:37,963 --> 00:13:39,263 - before leaving. - How long is that? 358 00:13:39,330 --> 00:13:40,896 Cool, cool, cool. 359 00:13:40,963 --> 00:13:42,829 All right, the elf maiden, thoroughly satisfied, 360 00:13:42,896 --> 00:13:44,029 promises you a flock of Pegasi. 361 00:13:44,096 --> 00:13:45,529 Oh, excellent. 362 00:13:45,596 --> 00:13:47,556 You guys can take a break. I should check on Pierce. 363 00:13:49,635 --> 00:13:50,848 Pierce? 364 00:13:52,152 --> 00:13:53,280 I'm here. 365 00:13:58,252 --> 00:13:59,653 I need to know what you want to do next. 366 00:14:03,185 --> 00:14:06,152 So many things, Abed... 367 00:14:06,219 --> 00:14:08,785 So many things. 368 00:14:09,655 --> 00:14:12,452 Guys... 369 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,452 I am bringing Pierce back into the room, 370 00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:16,593 because while soaring above the forest of Ingold, 371 00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:18,882 you spot his body in an elven cloak in a clearing below. 372 00:14:18,883 --> 00:14:20,649 - Ha! - Ooh! 373 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:22,319 We got you, dummy! 374 00:14:22,519 --> 00:14:23,543 We land. 375 00:14:23,544 --> 00:14:24,945 You land safely in the wooded clearing. 376 00:14:25,352 --> 00:14:26,519 He is facedown, barely moving, 377 00:14:26,586 --> 00:14:27,568 a pool of blood underneath him. 378 00:14:27,569 --> 00:14:28,638 I can't tell you how long 379 00:14:28,639 --> 00:14:30,140 I've dreamed of this moment... in the game. 380 00:14:30,653 --> 00:14:31,792 Uh, Neil's sword? 381 00:14:31,793 --> 00:14:32,893 Clutched in the right hand of the body 382 00:14:32,963 --> 00:14:34,063 is the sword of Duquesne. 383 00:14:34,452 --> 00:14:36,719 Sir, I believe this is yours. 384 00:14:38,091 --> 00:14:38,887 Thank you, Jeff. 385 00:14:38,888 --> 00:14:40,507 Once you get close enough to take the sword, 386 00:14:40,508 --> 00:14:41,541 you can see that this body, 387 00:14:41,852 --> 00:14:44,486 while definitely dying, is not Pierce. 388 00:14:44,553 --> 00:14:45,653 What? 389 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:46,919 I turn it over. 390 00:14:46,985 --> 00:14:48,241 It's the gnome waiter from the tavern. 391 00:14:48,242 --> 00:14:50,641 What? No. Why? 392 00:14:50,885 --> 00:14:52,419 Good-bye, my friend. 393 00:14:52,486 --> 00:14:54,486 Thank you for being so respectful toward me. 394 00:14:54,553 --> 00:14:56,604 Who did this to you, gnome waiter? 395 00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:58,371 I never saw his face. 396 00:14:58,752 --> 00:15:01,919 Just so you know... 397 00:15:01,985 --> 00:15:04,119 My name... 398 00:15:04,186 --> 00:15:05,352 was Kyle. 399 00:15:07,119 --> 00:15:08,985 Kyle. 400 00:15:10,553 --> 00:15:11,952 Britta? 401 00:15:12,019 --> 00:15:14,486 He was an imaginary waiter. 402 00:15:14,553 --> 00:15:16,818 I wouldn't expect you to understand. 403 00:15:19,648 --> 00:15:20,745 Now. 404 00:15:20,746 --> 00:15:23,119 You hear a low rumble on the other side of the tree line, 405 00:15:23,186 --> 00:15:24,619 followed by a shrill screech 406 00:15:24,685 --> 00:15:26,685 and the beating of heavy wings against the sky. 407 00:15:26,752 --> 00:15:28,685 Wait, wings? 408 00:15:28,752 --> 00:15:30,186 What's going on? 409 00:15:30,252 --> 00:15:32,419 Tell me, Abed, are you familiar 410 00:15:32,486 --> 00:15:35,191 with the Amburg region of the Edylmann River basin? 411 00:15:35,192 --> 00:15:36,136 Of course I am. 412 00:15:36,248 --> 00:15:38,525 Then you'll know there's a reflecting pool 413 00:15:38,526 --> 00:15:41,960 with a very special amulet at the bottom of it... 414 00:15:42,003 --> 00:15:44,669 An amulet that allows the wearer 415 00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:47,136 full control over... 416 00:15:47,856 --> 00:15:48,710 Draconis! 417 00:15:48,744 --> 00:15:51,012 The hideous Draconis, an all-powerful red dragon, 418 00:15:51,013 --> 00:15:52,713 crashes through the trees into the clearing. 419 00:15:53,636 --> 00:15:54,788 Riding atop his shoulders, 420 00:15:54,789 --> 00:15:56,190 naked as the day he was born, 421 00:15:56,202 --> 00:15:59,202 and controlling Draconis with the amulet is... 422 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:00,992 Say it! 423 00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:03,152 Pierce Hawthorne. 424 00:16:08,336 --> 00:16:10,002 Scream what I told you to scream! 425 00:16:10,069 --> 00:16:12,202 Pierce Hawthorne is my master! 426 00:16:12,803 --> 00:16:14,474 Prepare to meet your doom! 427 00:16:14,475 --> 00:16:16,909 I run towards Pierce with my broadsword drawn, 428 00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:19,408 - and I attack his... - Time stop! 429 00:16:20,452 --> 00:16:21,325 "Time stop"? 430 00:16:21,326 --> 00:16:22,592 Draconis has tons of spells. 431 00:16:22,793 --> 00:16:24,561 The six of you are completely frozen and helpless. 432 00:16:24,626 --> 00:16:26,593 This is why I wanted to play Chutes and Ladders. 433 00:16:26,660 --> 00:16:28,127 Fine, Pierce. You win. 434 00:16:28,194 --> 00:16:29,760 Just kill us and end this. 435 00:16:29,827 --> 00:16:32,194 Oh, no, killing's too good for you. 436 00:16:32,260 --> 00:16:35,660 Cast "shape change" on Duquesne. 437 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:38,561 What shape do you choose for him? 438 00:16:38,626 --> 00:16:40,194 Fat. 439 00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:41,927 - Pierce, stop it! - Pierce! 440 00:16:41,993 --> 00:16:43,360 Duquesne starts gaining weight. 441 00:16:43,427 --> 00:16:45,760 - How much? - Make him as fat as Fat Neil. 442 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:47,189 Pierce! 443 00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,079 Oh, right, cry. 444 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:52,194 Let it out. 445 00:16:52,260 --> 00:16:56,461 Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy. 446 00:16:56,527 --> 00:16:59,394 You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends. 447 00:16:59,461 --> 00:17:01,194 They asked me to come here. 448 00:17:01,260 --> 00:17:02,626 You know why, right? 449 00:17:02,693 --> 00:17:06,993 I've got some fat news for you, Fat Neil. 450 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:10,927 Don't you know why Jeff Winger, of all people, 451 00:17:10,993 --> 00:17:14,693 led the charge on the "Fat Neil Feel Good" committee? 452 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,593 Way over the line, Pierce! 453 00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:18,494 I'll tell you why. 454 00:17:18,561 --> 00:17:20,253 Because I was there. 455 00:17:24,247 --> 00:17:26,505 Oh, they're down there by Fat Neil. 456 00:17:29,227 --> 00:17:30,525 That's right, Neil. 457 00:17:30,526 --> 00:17:32,493 Your new best friend, Jeff Winger, 458 00:17:32,726 --> 00:17:36,127 coined the name "Fat Neil." 459 00:17:36,194 --> 00:17:37,294 Jeffrey! 460 00:17:43,249 --> 00:17:45,582 Look, before you respond, I can make it up to you. 461 00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:47,182 I'll find a fatter Neil. 462 00:17:48,482 --> 00:17:49,382 Huzzah. 463 00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:52,673 You made up "Fat Neil"? 464 00:17:52,674 --> 00:17:54,264 Someone asked me where the restrooms were, 465 00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:55,974 and you were standing by them, 466 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:59,440 but you were also standing kind of near, uh, other Neil. 467 00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:00,616 So call him Skinny Neil. 468 00:18:00,617 --> 00:18:01,850 He's actually not that skinny. 469 00:18:01,907 --> 00:18:04,136 He's bald! He's black! 470 00:18:04,137 --> 00:18:06,404 Well, I don't look at the world through that lens. 471 00:18:06,793 --> 00:18:08,413 I'm sorry. I shouldn't be high-roading you. 472 00:18:08,414 --> 00:18:09,399 I'm the bad guy. 473 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,162 Now you can all hang out in suspended humiliation 474 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:14,625 and think about what you learned today. 475 00:18:14,626 --> 00:18:18,560 One, don't screw with me. 476 00:18:18,626 --> 00:18:21,693 Two, invite me to your crap. 477 00:18:24,859 --> 00:18:25,589 Is it my turn? 478 00:18:25,590 --> 00:18:26,733 Yes, but you can't move. 479 00:18:27,247 --> 00:18:28,757 That's fine. 480 00:18:29,946 --> 00:18:33,013 For my turn, I feel sorry for Pierce Hawthorne. 481 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:33,877 Save it. 482 00:18:33,878 --> 00:18:35,510 - No, I really do, man. - Good. 483 00:18:35,576 --> 00:18:38,198 For my turn, I rape the Duquesne family... 484 00:18:38,396 --> 00:18:39,295 Again. 485 00:18:39,296 --> 00:18:40,072 Jeez. 486 00:18:40,073 --> 00:18:42,633 For my turn, I pity Pierce too. 487 00:18:42,634 --> 00:18:45,167 Trust me, kitten, I'm having the time of my life. 488 00:18:45,243 --> 00:18:47,042 I won. 489 00:18:47,109 --> 00:18:50,009 I won Dungeons & Dragons, and it was advanced. 490 00:18:50,544 --> 00:18:52,272 - I pity Pierce. - Knock it off. 491 00:18:52,273 --> 00:18:53,872 Yeah, you really outdid yourself this week. 492 00:18:54,068 --> 00:18:56,319 There's a lot of pain in you. I seriously feel bad. 493 00:18:56,337 --> 00:18:58,237 Feel sorry for your new fat BFF. 494 00:18:58,243 --> 00:18:59,676 No, we're done doing that. 495 00:18:59,743 --> 00:19:02,410 He's gonna be fine, aren't you, Neil? 496 00:19:02,476 --> 00:19:05,076 You, Pierce, I really worry about, 497 00:19:05,143 --> 00:19:06,410 at least for my turn, anyway. 498 00:19:06,476 --> 00:19:09,010 Well, how about this? Draconis, unfreeze time. 499 00:19:09,579 --> 00:19:11,139 Done. You guys can move again. 500 00:19:11,140 --> 00:19:13,319 - I breathe so much fire on you... - Hold it. 501 00:19:13,344 --> 00:19:15,335 You just used your move unfreezing time. 502 00:19:15,771 --> 00:19:16,489 Neil? 503 00:19:16,490 --> 00:19:17,989 I take the sword of Duquesne, 504 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,372 and I throw it at the amulet 505 00:19:19,373 --> 00:19:21,200 around the sad, naked man's neck. 506 00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:23,668 That's a difficult shot. You'll need an 18 or higher. 507 00:19:26,410 --> 00:19:27,743 Oh, sweet baby Jesus. 508 00:19:34,643 --> 00:19:36,343 Yeah! 509 00:19:36,410 --> 00:19:39,109 Yes! In your face! 510 00:19:39,176 --> 00:19:40,309 The sword smashes the amulet, 511 00:19:40,376 --> 00:19:41,810 freeing Draconis from its spell. 512 00:19:41,877 --> 00:19:44,890 The red dragon turns his head, grabs Pierce in his mighty jaws, 513 00:19:44,891 --> 00:19:45,895 and swallows him alive. 514 00:19:45,896 --> 00:19:48,196 - Oh, no! - Oh, Neil! 515 00:19:48,823 --> 00:19:50,058 As a reward for freeing him, 516 00:19:50,059 --> 00:19:51,642 he flies your intrepid band to his cavern 517 00:19:51,643 --> 00:19:52,743 where he bestows his treasure upon you. 518 00:19:52,810 --> 00:19:54,276 Congratulations on the completion 519 00:19:54,343 --> 00:19:55,543 of "Cavern of Draconis." 520 00:19:55,610 --> 00:19:57,009 I've been your dungeon master. 521 00:19:57,076 --> 00:19:58,777 - I hope you had a good time. - Whoo! 522 00:19:58,843 --> 00:19:59,976 Excelsior. 523 00:20:10,088 --> 00:20:11,254 Hey. 524 00:20:12,258 --> 00:20:14,173 That was the best game I ever played in my life. 525 00:20:14,597 --> 00:20:15,751 Don't mention it. 526 00:20:15,752 --> 00:20:17,486 Want to play again next week? 527 00:20:19,107 --> 00:20:20,173 Maybe. 528 00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:22,984 Okay. I'll be around. 529 00:20:22,985 --> 00:20:25,100 And so it was that Pierce Hawthorne 530 00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:27,638 saved the life of Fat Neil, 531 00:20:27,639 --> 00:20:31,572 while learning very, very little. 532 00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:34,976 Good night. 533 00:20:39,561 --> 00:20:41,774 How could you possibly want giant ears over a tail? 534 00:20:41,775 --> 00:20:43,809 If you had a tail, people could always tell when you're happy. 535 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,033 Yes, but with giant ears, 536 00:20:45,034 --> 00:20:46,121 you could hear things from miles away, 537 00:20:46,122 --> 00:20:47,778 and you could wear backpacks as earrings, 538 00:20:47,779 --> 00:20:49,079 which would free up your hands. 539 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:50,558 Backpacks already free up your hands. 540 00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:51,843 Guys, what do you think? 541 00:20:56,610 --> 00:20:58,567 We thought our group was meeting now. 542 00:20:59,616 --> 00:21:01,809 Tail is much better. 543 00:21:01,810 --> 00:21:02,530 Thank you. 544 00:21:02,531 --> 00:21:03,617 All in favor of giant ears? 545 00:21:08,465 --> 00:21:10,001 Mm, told ya.