It's H-A-W-T...
Guys, what happened?
Apparently, they found him
unconscious on a park bench.
Oh, my God, is he okay?
We don't know,
we just got here.
He's ready for visitors now.
He's in 1023.
Hi.
Oh, welcome, my old friends.
Welcome.
Pierce, what happened?
We were all so worried.
It was the pills.
They just took me over.
I saw awful,
horrible things.
Demons, Aliens, Critters 3,
something called
Bruce Willis' Surrogates.
Oh.
Abed, what are guys doing?
It's okay, just act natural.
Pierce asked me
to document his life
for historical purposes.
At first, I said no.
At the risk of sounding
overly sensitive,
I feel bored by Pierce
as a subject.
But I'm excited
about the narrative
of the documentary format.
It's easier to tell a story
when you can cut to people
explaining things.
I've called everyone here
so that I could put my house
in order,
bequeath parting gifts,
say my final words
to each of you.
Final words?
You're gonna kill us?
No, dummy,
the pills wiped me out.
I'm dying.
I'm not really dying.
Over the last few weeks,
it's become apparent
how little respect
this group has for me.
So I summoned them here
to exact my revenge.
See? Fish in a barrel.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
I'm so sad,
I don't know what to do.
Usually if I need to cheer up,
I make fun of Pierce,
but now
it'd just make me sadder.
It's Gregory Hines
all over again.
I'm sure he'll be fine.
You know how dramatic
Pierce gets.
Remember when
he had the hiccups
and pulled the fire alarm?
Just relax.
He's here
because we relaxed.
No, he's here
because he relaxed.
A handful of pills
at a time.
That's all over now,
we're here for him.
So there's no point
in feeling bad.
We know there's no point,
we just felt like feeling it.
Yeah, Jeff,
what are you, Abed?
Oh, sorry, Abed.
No problem.
Doesn't bother me.
Mr. Hawthorne is ready
to commence his bequeathings.
Shouldn't you be telling
that to an orderly?
He's gonna give us gifts.
Oh, cool.
I mean...
Cool.
I don't want Pierce to die,
but if I'm gonna get
bequeathed upon,
I'd liked to be bequeathed
a drum kit
or a signed photo
of actor LeVar Burton.
Those would be
my top two wishes.
My third wish would be
a million wishes.
But I'd just use them all
on a million signed photos
of actor LeVar Burton.
Hello, Pierce.
Hey.
Hi. I got you some things
from the gift shop
to cheer you up.
I got you
a John Grisham novel
and a funny
little coffee mug.
See how the flea's doormat
says "Dog Sweet Dog"?
Shirley, we both know
that you and I are the most
hated in the group.
We do?
And since in my absence,
you'll be
the new blacksheep or...
I'm sorry, that's offensive.
Black swan.
I want you to have this.
It's a compact record,
and it contains an audio file
of your group
talking about you
while you're
out of the room.
It's all here,
burnt into this diskette
by optical lasers.
I don't believe you.
It sounds like science fiction...
No, I don't believe
there's anything on that.
Then I guess
this is goodbye forever.
Goodbye, Pierce.
Smell you later.
He said it's a recording
of you all
talking behind my back.
That's ridiculous.
That's what I told him
because you all don't do that,
right?
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
OVER PA]
Mr. Hawthorne is requesting
Sour Face.
Knock, knock.
Is that you, death?
It's Britta.
Oh.
I just wanna tell you
that you don't have
to give me anything.
I'm happy
to spend time with you.
Know what Dylan Thomas
said about death?
No, tell me.
Okay, bluff called.
You're the selfless one
in the group, right?
Haven't thought about myself
in years.
That's what makes you
the perfect recipient
of this bequeathment.
It's a check for $10,000
with the payee line blank.
So that you can give it
to the charity of your choice.
Wow.
Pierce, this is surprising.
After what you gave Shirley,
we thought you were playing
mind games. Thank you.
If you're so inclined,
you could always write
your own name in there.
Toodles.
I don't wanna die
in a place like this.
People shouldn't die
in the place
People magazines do.
I hope to die
surrounded by my family.
Only way I'd agree to be
by family.
Me and Abed have an agreement.
One dies,
stage it
to look like a suicide
caused by the cancellation
of Firefly.
We're gonna get that show
back on the air, buddy.
How'd it go?
Huh?
Oh, fine. He gave me
a check for $10,000
to give to the charity
of my choice.
See? He's not messing with us.
Maybe he just hates Shirley.
What?
Yeah, maybe.
I need to research
a few charities
because some take a lot
off the top.
You think you're giving money
to people that need it,
and you're really giving it
to some middle man
who's gonna pay off their
parking tickets, credit cards,
and keep from getting
kicked out of her place in...
April. Hah.
He'd like to see Annie next.
You know what? No.
He'll see Jeff next.
But you're not...
Or what?
You'll do twice
as much work as a doctor
for half the pay?
Thank you?
Called a "complisult."
Part compliment, part insult.
He invented them,
I coined the term.
See what I just did there?
That was an "explanabrag."
Hello, Jeffrey.
Pierce.
I've thought about this day
many times,
but I've always imagined it
differently.
For starters, I thought
you'd be the one in bed
and I'd be a hologram.
What?
Never mind.
There's no time for that now.
Pierce. It's starting to seem
that you're using
the social leverage
afforded you
by your alleged deathbed,
to exact complicated acts
of psychological vengeance
on those closest to you.
Vengeance? Oh, no.
I was never one
to hold a grudge, Jeffrey.
My father held grudges.
I'll always hate him for that.
You get along
with your father?
I got along without him.
Oh. That's no good.
You don't want your dad to die
before you tell him
how you feel.
I'm sure.
Let's nip this in the bud.
Pierce, we're sorry we didn't
respond quickly enough
to your pill addiction.
Is there any chance
that apology is enough?
Are you ready
to be bequeathed upon, Jeff?
Yeah. Blow my mind.
I found your father.
Did you now?
William Winger,
born Oklahoma City, 1945.
1974,
married Doreen Fitzgerald,
divorced in 1983.
Most recently,
residing in Dorchester.
Currently sitting
in a Town Car
on its way
to this very hospital.
Should be here
in an hour or so.
Give or take a father.
That it?
Yep.
All right,
see you at the funeral.
And so it is bequeathed.
What are you gonna say
to your dad?
I'm not gonna say anything.
I won't have to because Pierce
is playing head games with us.
Decided not to listen to it.
What?
I'm not gonna listen to the CD
of you guys talking about me
because I forgive you.
How do we know
what we're being forgiven for?
We don't even know
what's on there.
And you never have to.
Hmm?
What if he is coming?
What are you gonna say to him?
Here.
I'll be him, I'll be him.
Hi, hey.
Hi, I'm Jeff's dad, hi.
Hi, Jeff's dad,
I'm Britta's dad.
What? Why?
Got drunk,
didn't have a condom.
And her mom gets freaky
when she hears Oingo Boingo.
Wish I could relate but, like
my son, I'm a closet homosexual.
Don't apologize.
You're talking to the guy
that banged Britta's mom.
I have no standards.
What do you say
we take a tumble?
You're under arrest,
I'm an undercover cop.
It's not illegal to be gay.
It is here in Iran.
Not when we're
in the Green Zone.
That's Iraq.
Well, what do I know?
I'm Jeff Winger's
dumb gay dad.
My father was a two-bit con man
of so little substance,
he couldn't leave a trail
if he wanted to.
I don't care if Pierce hired
Scotland Yard,
he isn't gonna track him down
from a hospital bed.
Money can't just make
people appear.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Troy Barnes.
Pierce Hawthorne sent me.
Hey, Troy?
Hi. I'm LeVar Burton.
Pierce got LeVar Burton
to come here for Troy?
Is there anyone
he can't produce?
Now I'm really getting mad.
Why am I the only one
he decided to torture?
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
OVER PA]
I told Pierce
a thousand times
I never wanted to meet LeVar
in person!
I just wanted a picture!
You can't disappoint
a picture!
I hate you, Pierce! Aah-hah!
I hate you so much!
Annie, I forgive you.
Annie Edison?
Your bequeathal is at hand.
Do you have a regular job
here?
Annie, I know
you're being strong for me,
I give you permission
to weep.
I'm crying on the inside.
Gross. Well, in any case,
I wanna give you this.
It's been in my family
for six generations.
Now it's yours.
Thank you.
Wheelchair assist
in Admitting.
Could I please have
a wheelchair assist
in Admitting, please?
Mm-mm.
Do you wanna see your dad?
He's not coming.
But do you wanna see him?
No.
Then why aren't you leaving?
Because I don't care
and I'm not gonna let him think
that I care.
Your dad or Pierce?
There is no dad.
And get this thing
out of my face.
And don't you dare
intercut this
with footage of me
freaking out.
Aah! Ha-ha-ha.
Is there footage of you
freaking out?
Abed, I'm gonna kill you
and Pierce and Britta
and anyone else who thinks
I care about any of this.
So do you go to school
nearby?
Well, are you more familiar
with me
from Star Trek
or Reading Rainbow?
Reading Rainbow was the show
I hosted and produced
for 25 years on PBS.
Ever seen it?
Oh. Set phasers to "love me."
What does it mean?
What do you mean?
No riddles. You're screwing
around with everyone.
You gave me a tiara,
what does it mean?
Are these blood diamonds?
Are they Holocaust diamonds?
No.
Well, what does it mean?
It means you're my favorite.
What does that mean?
I did it,
I gave away the money.
The Red Cross.
You know what that makes me?
A terrible person
because if that camera
wasn't on me,
I would have taken that money
right out of the mouths
of crippled, starving,
malaria-ridden refugee kids.
And now I know that forever.
Thanks, Pierce.
Britta,
you've got to forgive yourself.
I've forgiven all of you
for the horrible things...
Oh, for crying out loud.
We're gonna listen to it.
I don't wanna listen to it.
Britta, please. Britta.
Britta, wait. Britta.
I'll be right back.
Don't learn anything
without me.
So how much do we all hate
Shirley?
Pierce, knock it off.
Hey, James Bond,
stop trying to record us
with that stupid spy pen.
We can see the blinking light.
Why do you keep trying
to record us bad-mouthing?
He thinks friendship
is a competition,
he's trying
to get the upper hand.
You think Shirley's
any different?
Yes.
Moron.
Hello.
We do owe you an apology.
We shouldn't have said
those things about you.
I guess the lesson here
is that I sometimes use guilt
as a weapon.
What are you doing?
Oh, just shooting
a talking head.
Or did you want me to be
the only one
who didn't have one?
No, go ahead.
I think it stems
from when I was...
So you found my father?
Yes, he's on his way.
I mean,
if this is too much to handle,
I completely understand,
and I can call it off.
Actually,
I think I'm ready to see him.
Good. Good for you.
Oh.
I should probably tell you.
If you're lying to me,
if my father isn't coming,
if a car pulls up and anyone
other than my father steps out,
say, an actor,
or you in a wig,
if you pull any Ferris Bueller,
Parent Trap, Three's Company,
F/X, F/X2: The Deadly Art
of Illusion ********,
I will beat you.
And there will be nothing
madcap or wacky about it.
Understood?
Crystal.
Hi.
Hey.
I'm LeVar.
Oh, I know.
I was a huge fan of Rebop.
It was canceled
before I was born,
but I scored
some VHS copies.
I was nostalgic
from a very early age.
Cool.
Hey, you know, I assumed
that Troy was a fan,
but he hasn't said a word
since I got here.
And now I've gotta catch
this flight...
No, no, you can't go.
He loves you. He talks
about you all the time.
How much would it cost
to change your flight
till tomorrow?
Is $261 enough?
Because that's all I've got.
That's all you've got?
Yeah.
No, you keep your money.
I'll reschedule.
Oh, my God, Thank you.
He's gonna be so happy.
You know,
you are a very generous friend.
But you're really stupid
with your money.
It's not that I'm selfish,
it's just that
I'm really stupid
with my money.
Which is why
I'll never have a lot of it.
And because
I'm a really generous friend.
Problem solved,
dilemma deleted.
Britta for the win.
Oh. Thank God
he didn't take it.
Could you imagine bouncing
a check to Kunta Kinte?
Hello?
Jeffrey? This is your father.
Uh-huh.
It's me,
here in this sedan.
See? I'm waving.
I'm sorry I can't come
any closer, my boy.
This is too difficult.
You look too much
like your mother.
No, don't come closer.
As you were.
I have to catch a flight
to Katmandu,
but I just wanted to say,
cherish the new friends
that you've made.
They're your true family
now.
No, don't open... It'll be
too hard on both of us. Aah!
Son of a...
Jeffrey, I'm dying.
Quiet.
Jeff!
No, no, no.
When you improvise a plan,
sometimes you hit
a speed bump,
and sometimes you hit it
so hard,
that you soar
through the air,
far beyond
your initial expectations.
I set out to take revenge
on Jeff Winger,
to scare him
with the ghost of his father.
Instead, I took over the role
of his father.
Helped make him
a better man.
It'll be a long time
before Jeff Winger
underestimates me again.
Ha-ha-ha... Ow, ow, ow!
Why would you
do something like this?
Come on, Jeff.
What?
Because I'm sick of you people
not taking me seriously.
You forget my birthday.
You don't invite me to your
Dungeons & Dragons games
or your secret trampoline.
You guys think
I'm some kind of a joke.
This isn't disproving
the theory.
Good point.
What'd you say?
No, Jeff.
What did you say?
Apparently, I need to say
some things to my father.
Things that I may have
screamed at Pierce instead.
I'm not saying
he doesn't deserve it,
but my father deserves it
too.
Pierce?
I figured out your test.
Crowns, presents,
punishments, favorites.
You're trying to show me
the dangers of my own elitism.
My constant striving
to be the best.
So I'm re-queathing
this tiara.
If I become the person
who thinks it's their place
to pick favorites
and torture the rest,
I'll die sad and alone.
And that's what you were trying
to teach me.
Very good, Annie. You pass.
She's actually
just my favorite.
I thought
the documentary format
would be like
fish in a barrel.
But as is the case
with a real barrel of fish,
after a while it can become
cramped, chaotic and stinky.
Fortunately,
if your documentary
is turning out
just as messy as real life,
wrap it up
with random shots
which, when cut together
under a generic voice-over,
suggest a profound
thematic connection.
I'm not knocking it.
It works.
Guys.
Oh.
ANNIE & SHIRLEY:
Aww.
Jeff and I became kind of like
father and son today.
No, we did not.
Troy, I am telling you, man,
this salmon is really good.
Would you mind
passing me the pepper?
Oh, well.
More fish for Kunta.