1
00:00:03,293 --> 00:00:05,228
It was my friend Abed's birthday.

2
00:00:05,242 --> 00:00:06,808
I had met Abed at community college

3
00:00:06,809 --> 00:00:08,264
almost two years earlier.

4
00:00:08,265 --> 00:00:09,726
His obsession with pop culture

5
00:00:09,727 --> 00:00:11,425
had always alienated him.

6
00:00:11,426 --> 00:00:14,069
He'd quote movies, pretend
his life was a TV show.

7
00:00:14,070 --> 00:00:15,373
He watched Cougar Town.

8
00:00:15,374 --> 00:00:17,808
It was as if he didn't
want people to like him.

9
00:00:18,128 --> 00:00:20,241
Then this year, around Christmas,

10
00:00:20,242 --> 00:00:21,495
he had some kind of...

11
00:00:21,496 --> 00:00:23,783
I don't know... mental episode,

12
00:00:23,784 --> 00:00:26,224
saying people were made
of clay... stuff like that.

13
00:00:26,590 --> 00:00:28,845
He'd seemed okay since,
but when I asked him

14
00:00:28,846 --> 00:00:30,623
if he'd like to do
anything for his birthday,

15
00:00:30,624 --> 00:00:32,937
he told me we should have
dinner, just he and I,

16
00:00:32,938 --> 00:00:35,411
for an important conversation.

17
00:00:35,412 --> 00:00:36,944
It made me nervous.

18
00:00:37,589 --> 00:00:40,150
The restaurant Abed had chosen
wasn't his style at all.

19
00:00:40,151 --> 00:00:42,484
There were cloth napkins, no TVs.

20
00:00:42,567 --> 00:00:44,669
Abed liked chicken fingers, video games,

21
00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:46,195
Quentin Tarantino.

22
00:00:48,170 --> 00:00:49,887
Babysitting him through a full meal

23
00:00:49,888 --> 00:00:51,559
at a restaurant for grown-ups...

24
00:00:52,121 --> 00:00:54,014
I just wasn't up for it.

25
00:00:54,549 --> 00:00:57,007
But I loved Abed. Everyone did.

26
00:00:57,201 --> 00:00:59,675
So I had come there with a
surprise plan of my own.

27
00:00:59,676 --> 00:01:02,013
Hey, uh, could I get a MacAllan, neat?

28
00:01:04,385 --> 00:01:05,615
Jeffrey!

29
00:01:07,994 --> 00:01:09,165
Buddy.

30
00:01:13,117 --> 00:01:14,437
I like your sweater.

31
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,351
Did it come with a Golden Retriever?

32
00:01:17,061 --> 00:01:18,534
You look good too.

33
00:01:20,962 --> 00:01:23,620
I would like a, uh... spritzer.

34
00:01:23,621 --> 00:01:25,390
Abed was being weird.

35
00:01:25,391 --> 00:01:28,783
And by that, I mean he wasn't being weird.

36
00:01:28,928 --> 00:01:32,002
He was hugging, smiling,
making eye contact,

37
00:01:32,003 --> 00:01:35,241
and in 30 seconds, he hadn't
made a reference to anything.

38
00:01:35,672 --> 00:01:37,532
I had come in worried about him,

39
00:01:37,533 --> 00:01:39,215
thinking he needed help.

40
00:01:39,216 --> 00:01:42,232
But seeing him like this made
me more worried than ever.

41
00:01:42,265 --> 00:01:45,304
Get it? Like Pulp Fiction.

42
00:01:46,133 --> 00:01:47,764
It's a wallet that says "Bad mother..."

43
00:01:47,765 --> 00:01:49,442
- Your table's ready, gentlemen.
- Thank you.

44
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,369
Actually, uh, I had an idea.

45
00:01:51,607 --> 00:01:53,840
I saw a very cool burger place
just a few...

46
00:01:53,841 --> 00:01:56,615
Nonsense.
I didn't come downtown for burgers.

47
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:57,969
Come, come.

48
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,058
Uh, I-I'll be right there.

49
00:02:07,535 --> 00:02:09,365
Hey, uh, we're running a little bit late...

50
00:02:09,366 --> 00:02:11,605
No big deal, just a small speed bump.

51
00:02:11,796 --> 00:02:13,636
Well, hurry up. We're waiting.

52
00:02:14,690 --> 00:02:16,533
Surprise!

53
00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:19,795
Guys, no! They're running late.

54
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,336
That was Jeff.
He says there's some kind of speed bump.

55
00:02:24,585 --> 00:02:26,266
Pierce, nobody can hear you.

56
00:02:26,978 --> 00:02:29,547
Well, I'm hot, and my balls
are touching the zipper!

57
00:02:39,737 --> 00:02:49,727
Sync by YYeTs.net
Corrected by Addic7ed.com
www.addic7ed.com

58
00:03:00,423 --> 00:03:02,436
Can you imagine the
expression on Abed's face

59
00:03:02,437 --> 00:03:03,664
when he walks in?

60
00:03:03,665 --> 00:03:06,330
Of course we can imagine it.
It's always the same.

61
00:03:06,331 --> 00:03:07,947
Yeah, but he's gonna say "cool"

62
00:03:07,948 --> 00:03:09,716
at least five times.

63
00:03:10,035 --> 00:03:12,251
It's really great of Jeff
to put this together.

64
00:03:12,252 --> 00:03:13,443
I'm not jealous.

65
00:03:13,444 --> 00:03:14,723
- Hmm?
- Hmm?

66
00:03:15,672 --> 00:03:18,178
Oh, cool, someone got him a briefcase,

67
00:03:18,179 --> 00:03:20,363
like in the movie. What's in it?

68
00:03:20,364 --> 00:03:21,806
Hey, don't touch that!

69
00:03:21,807 --> 00:03:22,900
It's from Jeff, and he says

70
00:03:22,901 --> 00:03:24,854
nobody but Abed can open it.

71
00:03:24,855 --> 00:03:27,330
Why? What's in it?

72
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:30,917
What, I have 3D vision now?

73
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:34,671
- Yes, you do.
- You don't know me!

74
00:03:34,672 --> 00:03:37,926
Everybody just be patient and
don't mess with anything.

75
00:03:37,927 --> 00:03:41,023
I am responsible for this diner
when my boss isn't around.

76
00:03:41,024 --> 00:03:43,203
She will not stop bragging about that.

77
00:03:43,204 --> 00:03:44,247
I know.

78
00:03:44,248 --> 00:03:46,322
Has anyone seen this
movie we're referencing?

79
00:03:46,323 --> 00:03:47,916
Am I the hero or the love interest?

80
00:03:47,917 --> 00:03:49,736
Pulp Fiction?
Yeah, I saw it on an airplane.

81
00:03:49,737 --> 00:03:51,364
It's cute. It's a 30-minute film

82
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:52,868
about a group of friends
who like cheeseburgers,

83
00:03:52,869 --> 00:03:54,502
dancing, and the Bible.

84
00:03:57,581 --> 00:03:59,389
- Jeff's not better than me.
- Hmm?

85
00:03:59,390 --> 00:04:01,067
I said, "hmm."

86
00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,025
Boy, is this menu stuffy.

87
00:04:05,026 --> 00:04:07,554
I don't know about you, but
I'd rather have a nice...

88
00:04:07,555 --> 00:04:10,210
Rillettes de saumon, to start, I think,

89
00:04:10,211 --> 00:04:12,197
and, ooh, squab.

90
00:04:12,198 --> 00:04:14,375
- Very good.
- They don't have quail.

91
00:04:14,376 --> 00:04:15,988
Good to know. Salad.

92
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:18,260
- Excellent choice.
- Yeah, I nailed it.

93
00:04:18,261 --> 00:04:21,018
Um, you forgot this in the bar.

94
00:04:21,019 --> 00:04:23,231
Ah, so I did. I'm sorry.

95
00:04:23,232 --> 00:04:25,086
What a thoughtful gift, Jeff.

96
00:04:25,638 --> 00:04:27,750
I really was a man of singular taste.

97
00:04:27,751 --> 00:04:29,665
Was? Abed, what's going on?

98
00:04:29,666 --> 00:04:30,933
Why are you dressed like Mr. Rogers

99
00:04:30,934 --> 00:04:32,921
and talking like Frasier?
What happened to you?

100
00:04:32,922 --> 00:04:34,218
Oh, where to begin.

101
00:04:34,219 --> 00:04:36,145
I probably mentioned in
the past my fondness

102
00:04:36,146 --> 00:04:37,844
for a TV program called Cougar Town.

103
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:38,910
Here and there.

104
00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:40,266
I even started a Cougar Town fan club

105
00:04:40,267 --> 00:04:41,329
on Facebook.

106
00:04:41,330 --> 00:04:43,210
Not to accomplish anything, mind you.

107
00:04:43,211 --> 00:04:45,420
Simply to express my love for the show.

108
00:04:45,498 --> 00:04:47,930
Well, it ended up being
quite large, this fan club,

109
00:04:47,931 --> 00:04:49,498
and, uh, one morning,

110
00:04:49,499 --> 00:04:51,573
I think it was maybe early March,

111
00:04:51,574 --> 00:04:52,855
I got this Facebook message...

112
00:04:52,856 --> 00:04:55,825
A very nice message from the
people who make Cougar Town.

113
00:04:55,826 --> 00:04:58,530
- Looking for work?
- No, thanking me, Jeff...

114
00:04:58,531 --> 00:05:00,462
you know, for all the support
I generated for the show.

115
00:05:00,463 --> 00:05:02,042
And in the last paragraph, they said,

116
00:05:02,043 --> 00:05:04,648
"If you'd like, you could
come visit the set,"

117
00:05:04,684 --> 00:05:06,147
just like that.

118
00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:07,960
- Well, that's cool of them.
- Mm-hmm.

119
00:05:07,961 --> 00:05:09,040
I guess that kind of makes them

120
00:05:09,041 --> 00:05:11,946
the Pulp Fictions of people.

121
00:05:12,190 --> 00:05:13,654
Man, how great was that movie.

122
00:05:13,655 --> 00:05:15,375
Yeah. So I sold a few
of my action figures,

123
00:05:15,376 --> 00:05:17,009
and I bought a round-trip
ticket to Los Angeles.

124
00:05:17,010 --> 00:05:19,531
- Wait, you went? When?
- Over spring break.

125
00:05:19,532 --> 00:05:21,740
What could I do?
Two days after I got that invitation,

126
00:05:21,741 --> 00:05:23,954
I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff.

127
00:05:24,151 --> 00:05:25,197
Cougar Town.

128
00:05:25,198 --> 00:05:26,563
Look, if you want me
to take it seriously,

129
00:05:26,564 --> 00:05:27,909
stop saying its name.

130
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:28,989
You laugh, Jeff,

131
00:05:28,990 --> 00:05:31,168
but the people were wonderful,

132
00:05:31,392 --> 00:05:32,594
you know, not just the actors,

133
00:05:32,595 --> 00:05:33,936
but the crew, everyone.

134
00:05:33,937 --> 00:05:35,580
There must have been 200 people,

135
00:05:35,581 --> 00:05:37,506
each with a specific function,

136
00:05:37,507 --> 00:05:39,459
but all dedicated to a single purpose.

137
00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:41,508
It was like a village
or like a living thing.

138
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:43,641
And, you know, I'm talking to the director,

139
00:05:43,642 --> 00:05:45,794
and he says, "Why don't you
jump into the background?"

140
00:05:46,050 --> 00:05:47,582
I say, "Nah, wait a minute.

141
00:05:47,583 --> 00:05:49,098
Jump into the background of what exactly?"

142
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:51,079
And he says, "Jump into the
background of this scene.

143
00:05:51,156 --> 00:05:54,095
Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town."

144
00:05:56,186 --> 00:05:57,181
Thank you.

145
00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:59,129
Well, before I can react, this
girl takes me by the hand,

146
00:05:59,130 --> 00:06:00,671
and she stands me behind this patio

147
00:06:00,672 --> 00:06:03,171
where Courtney Cox and the
actors are doing their scene.

148
00:06:03,172 --> 00:06:04,769
And the girl says, "Now,
when you hear 'action,'

149
00:06:04,770 --> 00:06:07,018
I want you to walk from
here to there," right?

150
00:06:07,019 --> 00:06:08,703
That's when I really
started to panic, Jeff,

151
00:06:08,704 --> 00:06:11,924
because if I'm a person
that watches Cougar Town,

152
00:06:11,928 --> 00:06:13,828
how can I be in Cougar Town?

153
00:06:14,563 --> 00:06:16,525
You know, and the more I
start thinking about it,

154
00:06:16,526 --> 00:06:18,851
the less any of it makes any sense at all.

155
00:06:18,852 --> 00:06:20,601
And I just want to turn and
run, but it's too late,

156
00:06:20,602 --> 00:06:22,222
because the director's calling "action."

157
00:06:22,223 --> 00:06:24,152
So before I take my first step,

158
00:06:24,153 --> 00:06:26,744
I realize that I have to stop being someone

159
00:06:26,745 --> 00:06:28,603
who's ever seen the show

160
00:06:28,604 --> 00:06:31,037
and become a character on the show.

161
00:06:31,038 --> 00:06:33,586
Become a man from Cougar Town...

162
00:06:34,096 --> 00:06:35,140
You know, someone born there,

163
00:06:35,141 --> 00:06:37,541
someone whose name, I decide, is Chad.

164
00:06:37,827 --> 00:06:39,870
And I take my first step, as a child might,

165
00:06:39,871 --> 00:06:41,477
learning to walk as Chad.

166
00:06:41,478 --> 00:06:43,248
And with each step, it becomes easier.

167
00:06:43,249 --> 00:06:45,120
And with each step, I
start remembering things

168
00:06:45,121 --> 00:06:47,948
from Chad's life, like his first kiss

169
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,042
under the big tree at Cougar Town field...

170
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,319
Playing soccer
at Cougar Town Junior High...

171
00:06:52,984 --> 00:06:55,142
Finding my first chest hair in the shower,

172
00:06:55,143 --> 00:06:56,712
my first apartment,

173
00:06:56,713 --> 00:06:59,158
my first true love falling
for my best friend,

174
00:06:59,939 --> 00:07:03,354
birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes,

175
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,700
playing charades at Thanksgiving.

176
00:07:07,430 --> 00:07:09,629
Chad had lived, Jeff.

177
00:07:10,606 --> 00:07:12,541
You know, Chad had lived more than Abed.

178
00:07:16,430 --> 00:07:20,604
And then they called "cut,"
and the scene was over.

179
00:07:20,605 --> 00:07:23,008
But I wasn't ready to stop being Chad,

180
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,467
so I said to the director,
"Can we have one more take?"

181
00:07:25,468 --> 00:07:27,806
But they were already moving on.

182
00:07:30,224 --> 00:07:32,241
Courtney had nailed it.

183
00:07:33,221 --> 00:07:34,893
My lips started trembling,

184
00:07:34,894 --> 00:07:37,433
and my... my hands and my feet went numb.

185
00:07:37,434 --> 00:07:38,992
My... my knees buckled,

186
00:07:38,993 --> 00:07:41,306
and as I fell to the floor...

187
00:07:44,126 --> 00:07:46,071
I pooped my pants.

188
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:49,704
I did...

189
00:07:50,118 --> 00:07:51,750
Because the truth is,
Jeff, I had been Chad,

190
00:07:51,751 --> 00:07:53,383
and Chad was dead.

191
00:07:54,388 --> 00:07:58,035
But as Abed, I was still alive,
so someone helped me up.

192
00:07:58,187 --> 00:08:00,706
And the wardrobe lady came over.
She gave me new pants.

193
00:08:00,707 --> 00:08:02,847
I thanked everyone, I apologized,

194
00:08:02,929 --> 00:08:05,814
and then I just got on a bus and
went straight to the airport.

195
00:08:09,117 --> 00:08:13,031
Um, your food's getting cold.

196
00:08:13,032 --> 00:08:15,322
Oh, how silly of me.

197
00:08:28,687 --> 00:08:30,425
Wondering if Abed's new best friend

198
00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:33,353
also got him the best gift?

199
00:08:33,634 --> 00:08:35,483
I got Abed the best gift.

200
00:08:36,118 --> 00:08:40,194
I'd tell you what it is, but
it's an even cooler secret.

201
00:08:42,170 --> 00:08:44,712
Britta, you promised
that this private party

202
00:08:44,713 --> 00:08:45,994
would be done by 8:00.

203
00:08:45,995 --> 00:08:47,622
You're doing this during
the peak business hours

204
00:08:47,623 --> 00:08:49,104
for nostalgic-themed diners.

205
00:08:49,105 --> 00:08:51,025
Oh, is that true?
Has that been researched?

206
00:08:51,026 --> 00:08:52,108
It has, Annie.

207
00:08:52,109 --> 00:08:53,552
After they get frightened
by the evening news,

208
00:08:53,553 --> 00:08:55,459
many seek the comforting
foods and soothing music

209
00:08:55,460 --> 00:08:56,947
of a pre-racial America.

210
00:08:56,948 --> 00:09:01,855
I'll give you all of my
tips from my next shift.

211
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:03,777
Oh, your tips.

212
00:09:04,965 --> 00:09:08,224
All your tips? Wait, wait, all of them?

213
00:09:08,225 --> 00:09:12,117
Like, all the tips the
customers leave for you?

214
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,187
Wow, is there any way we can
go ahead and spread that out

215
00:09:14,188 --> 00:09:16,877
over two years so I don't
get slammed on my taxes?

216
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:19,384
Oh, my goodness.

217
00:09:19,385 --> 00:09:20,550
I know.

218
00:09:20,842 --> 00:09:23,155
- Everyone hates Britta.
- Mm.

219
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:31,104
Of course, you know the
real point of that story.

220
00:09:31,105 --> 00:09:33,065
I don't, but that's okay. Chew.

221
00:09:33,942 --> 00:09:35,634
The point is, I'd been a fool.

222
00:09:35,635 --> 00:09:37,409
Nah, everybody poops their pants.

223
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,079
No, no, no, I was a
fool long before that.

224
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,142
You know, I look back at my life
and I think, "Who was that?

225
00:09:41,143 --> 00:09:43,408
Why did he care so much about so
many things that didn't matter?"

226
00:09:43,409 --> 00:09:44,678
Yeah, who needs Cougar Town?

227
00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:46,039
Who needs any pop culture whatsoever?

228
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:47,803
TV, movies... to hell with all of it.

229
00:09:48,351 --> 00:09:51,253
You know what I was, Jeff?
I was that wallet.

230
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,448
On the surface, a reference
to some cinematic drivel,

231
00:09:53,449 --> 00:09:55,815
but on the inside... empty.

232
00:09:55,816 --> 00:09:59,563
- But you love Tarantino.
- No, no, not anymore.

233
00:09:59,564 --> 00:10:01,540
That's why I wanted to
have this dinner with you.

234
00:10:01,616 --> 00:10:03,905
This is the first birthday of my new life.

235
00:10:03,906 --> 00:10:04,950
You know, the wallet's cute, Jeff,

236
00:10:04,951 --> 00:10:07,007
but I'd like to exchange
it for a better gift.

237
00:10:07,008 --> 00:10:08,542
I'm not leaving here until you've given me

238
00:10:08,543 --> 00:10:10,581
my first real conversation.

239
00:10:12,516 --> 00:10:14,320
Yay.

240
00:10:19,934 --> 00:10:22,307
Okay, you want to have
a real conversation?

241
00:10:22,308 --> 00:10:25,530
Here's as real as I get
under the circumstances.

242
00:10:25,531 --> 00:10:28,788
It's nice that you've learned
to dial back your love of TV.

243
00:10:28,789 --> 00:10:31,302
But I'd really like you to
come have a milkshake with me.

244
00:10:31,303 --> 00:10:33,316
But before you do, I'd like you to remember

245
00:10:33,317 --> 00:10:35,724
how much you enjoy Pulp Fiction.

246
00:10:36,237 --> 00:10:38,472
Now, that's as far as I can go
without defeating the purpose.

247
00:10:38,473 --> 00:10:40,679
I'm really tilting the bean can here.

248
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:42,808
Pulp Fiction, milkshakes, bean cans?

249
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,132
Listen to how we talk to each other.

250
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:47,287
We're like robots exchanging
catchphrases and references.

251
00:10:47,288 --> 00:10:48,881
And you think pointing that out counts

252
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:50,312
as a real conversation?

253
00:10:50,313 --> 00:10:51,910
You know how many fake people are talking

254
00:10:51,911 --> 00:10:53,695
about how fake the world is right now?

255
00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:54,868
Okay, well, I'm new at this,

256
00:10:54,869 --> 00:10:56,403
so can you start our real conversation?

257
00:10:56,404 --> 00:10:57,915
I don't believe there's such a thing.

258
00:10:57,916 --> 00:11:01,330
Conversation was invented by
humans to conceal reality.

259
00:11:01,331 --> 00:11:04,885
We use it to sweet-talk our
way around natural selection.

260
00:11:04,886 --> 00:11:07,341
You know who has real conversations?
Ants.

261
00:11:07,342 --> 00:11:10,258
They talk by vomiting chemicals
into each other's mouths.

262
00:11:10,259 --> 00:11:11,972
They get right down to brass tacks.

263
00:11:11,973 --> 00:11:13,774
Blehh! "Which way's the picnic?"

264
00:11:13,775 --> 00:11:15,469
Blehh! "That way."

265
00:11:15,787 --> 00:11:17,792
Humans are more evolved. We lie.

266
00:11:17,793 --> 00:11:19,266
- Not all the time.
- That's a lie.

267
00:11:19,267 --> 00:11:21,799
- We don't lie when we're alone.
- Biggest lie ever.

268
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,067
Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away

269
00:11:24,068 --> 00:11:25,212
from the bathroom mirror.

270
00:11:25,213 --> 00:11:27,013
We do most of our lying alone.

271
00:11:27,014 --> 00:11:28,728
How's it even possible
to lie when you're alone?

272
00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:30,352
You can call a phone-sex line.

273
00:11:30,353 --> 00:11:32,568
- That's lying to yourself.
- No, that's just being honest

274
00:11:32,569 --> 00:11:33,904
with a stranger about being lonely.

275
00:11:33,905 --> 00:11:35,927
What if you're dishonest
about why you're lonely?

276
00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:38,319
What if you're a good-looking
guy who calls a phone-sex line

277
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,582
and tells them he weighs 400 pounds,

278
00:11:40,583 --> 00:11:43,706
just so he can hear a woman say
she's attracted to him anyway?

279
00:11:43,707 --> 00:11:46,369
- I don't believe that happens.
- Wrong. That's me.

280
00:11:46,370 --> 00:11:48,321
I did that last week.

281
00:11:48,322 --> 00:11:49,954
Why would you pay a woman on the phone

282
00:11:49,955 --> 00:11:50,979
to think you're fat?

283
00:11:50,980 --> 00:11:53,181
Because I'm scared that
if I were overweight

284
00:11:53,182 --> 00:11:54,906
that no one would like me.

285
00:11:56,554 --> 00:11:58,689
God, that feels good to admit.

286
00:12:00,414 --> 00:12:02,195
Abed, the point being...

287
00:12:04,243 --> 00:12:05,379
The point being,

288
00:12:05,380 --> 00:12:07,892
you don't have to worry about being normal

289
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:10,948
or... or real or whatever this is tonight.

290
00:12:11,035 --> 00:12:15,080
The world is a sick place
full of sick, sick people.

291
00:12:19,507 --> 00:12:21,869
Can I tell you something
I've never told anyone else?

292
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:24,572
Yes.

293
00:12:26,825 --> 00:12:29,782
It's got to be so cool,
whatever he got him.

294
00:12:30,049 --> 00:12:32,554
You know what I'm saying.
Winger's a man of means.

295
00:12:32,798 --> 00:12:35,883
He's with your boy right
now having a fancy dinner.

296
00:12:36,194 --> 00:12:40,919
Baby chickens, diamond
forks, brand-name sodas.

297
00:12:41,046 --> 00:12:43,623
Then he's gonna bring him back here,

298
00:12:43,786 --> 00:12:46,212
give him whatever's in
there, and that's that.

299
00:12:46,582 --> 00:12:48,314
Troy who?

300
00:13:00,370 --> 00:13:01,920
Is that what I think it is?

301
00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:03,448
It is.

302
00:13:03,665 --> 00:13:05,496
Certificate of authenticity...

303
00:13:05,497 --> 00:13:07,642
He must have got it on eBay or something.

304
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,937
Jeff got Abed the actual briefcase

305
00:13:09,938 --> 00:13:11,721
from the movie Pulp Fiction!

306
00:13:12,073 --> 00:13:13,748
What are you guys doing?

307
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,042
Chang made me open it!

308
00:13:15,043 --> 00:13:17,048
He seduced me with his dark Chinese powers.

309
00:13:17,049 --> 00:13:18,546
Why do you leave him alone with me?

310
00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:20,469
Guys, I am putting my job on the line

311
00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:21,756
for this stupid party,

312
00:13:21,757 --> 00:13:23,958
and the least you can do is not ruin it.

313
00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:28,042
No! No!

314
00:13:35,187 --> 00:13:37,602
Dude, I know I'm preaching to the choir,

315
00:13:37,603 --> 00:13:41,277
but you are a bad friend.

316
00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:42,881
I'll kill you!

317
00:13:53,638 --> 00:13:56,657
And I said, "No, that's a girl's costume."

318
00:13:56,658 --> 00:13:58,006
And my mom said, "It's fine.

319
00:13:58,007 --> 00:14:00,333
Indian boys have long hair and braids too."

320
00:14:00,334 --> 00:14:02,446
There was only 45 minutes
left to trick-or-treat,

321
00:14:02,447 --> 00:14:04,149
so what could I do?

322
00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:08,975
I put the damn thing on,
and I went door-to-door.

323
00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:12,517
And everyone was going,
"Oh, what a pretty little girl."

324
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,276
And by the third house...

325
00:14:15,903 --> 00:14:17,615
I stopped correcting them.

326
00:14:18,595 --> 00:14:20,881
I mean, why draw attention to it?

327
00:14:22,775 --> 00:14:23,961
And, honestly,

328
00:14:23,962 --> 00:14:26,299
once the shame and the fear wore off...

329
00:14:28,297 --> 00:14:31,004
I was just glad they thought I was pretty.

330
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,959
God, this is incredible...

331
00:14:37,622 --> 00:14:40,843
I mean, to be able to talk this openly.

332
00:14:41,396 --> 00:14:43,407
I mean, why can't people be like this?

333
00:14:43,408 --> 00:14:45,270
I mean, what's wrong with this world?

334
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:53,359
What do you want?

335
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,383
So this is what you're
doing while we wait.

336
00:14:55,384 --> 00:14:58,085
Just go home, Pierce.
The party's canceled.

337
00:14:58,086 --> 00:15:00,997
Pretty gay, man. Pretty gay.

338
00:15:03,898 --> 00:15:06,322
Why is Pierce dressed as
the gimp from Pulp Fiction?

339
00:15:06,433 --> 00:15:07,586
Oh.

340
00:15:07,587 --> 00:15:10,575
The wallet, milkshakes...

341
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,514
Did you set up a surprise
Pulp Fiction birthday party?

342
00:15:12,515 --> 00:15:14,964
Yeah, at the greasy fork,
but that doesn't matter now.

343
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:18,227
What matters is this... talking.

344
00:15:18,534 --> 00:15:20,192
It everything okay?

345
00:15:20,193 --> 00:15:21,934
Uh, yes. Just the check, please.

346
00:15:21,935 --> 00:15:25,202
Oh, I'm sorry. So you're ending early?

347
00:15:25,203 --> 00:15:26,626
Because in my dinner with Andre,

348
00:15:26,627 --> 00:15:29,960
- the waiter brings...
- Check, check, check. Bye.

349
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:35,249
- Abed?
- Mm-hmm?

350
00:15:35,420 --> 00:15:37,601
What's my dinner with Andre?

351
00:15:37,820 --> 00:15:40,771
It's just a movie about, uh, two guys

352
00:15:40,772 --> 00:15:42,780
talking at a restaurant.

353
00:15:44,468 --> 00:15:46,304
So this wasn't...

354
00:15:46,307 --> 00:15:48,785
A real conversation?

355
00:15:48,786 --> 00:15:50,214
You were doing another movie?

356
00:15:50,215 --> 00:15:51,560
A movie about a real conversation.

357
00:15:51,561 --> 00:15:53,908
Did you poop your pants
on the set of Cougar Town?

358
00:15:54,732 --> 00:15:56,194
That shouldn't matter.

359
00:15:56,546 --> 00:15:58,467
This is why we don't hang out!

360
00:15:59,395 --> 00:16:01,403
Well, thanks for getting me fired, jerks.

361
00:16:01,404 --> 00:16:03,410
- The party's over.
- Cool. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

362
00:16:03,411 --> 00:16:04,566
Yeah, it is.

363
00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:08,553
Do you guys know where Abed's
really cool present is?

364
00:16:08,621 --> 00:16:09,840
Because I'm returning it.

365
00:16:09,841 --> 00:16:12,569
Um, it's back at the diner. It's fine.

366
00:16:12,570 --> 00:16:14,413
It probably just needs some detailing.

367
00:16:18,248 --> 00:16:21,617
Man, I really wish you
two got along better.

368
00:16:22,738 --> 00:16:24,812
Ooh, no-no juice.

369
00:16:26,795 --> 00:16:28,810
Ah, that's good no-no juice.

370
00:16:32,268 --> 00:16:34,172
For the damages

371
00:16:34,173 --> 00:16:36,537
if you promise to give Britta her job back.

372
00:16:37,269 --> 00:16:38,932
$800, and she stays fired.

373
00:16:38,933 --> 00:16:40,145
Deal.

374
00:16:49,510 --> 00:16:51,060
Annie told me about the briefcase.

375
00:16:51,788 --> 00:16:53,883
- Thank you.
- What a waste.

376
00:16:54,207 --> 00:16:55,438
Not really.

377
00:16:56,702 --> 00:16:57,244
Did you buy it

378
00:16:57,245 --> 00:16:59,706
from Willy's 100% Authentic
Cinema Treasures on eBay?

379
00:16:59,707 --> 00:17:02,013
- Yep.
- Yeah, Willy exaggerates.

380
00:17:02,299 --> 00:17:04,660
I got Indiana Jones' real whip from him.

381
00:17:04,661 --> 00:17:06,133
He moves about 70 of those a year.

382
00:17:06,134 --> 00:17:07,418
Oh, good. I thought I flushed

383
00:17:07,419 --> 00:17:08,627
a bunch of money down the toilet.

384
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,660
But it's great to know that the
real Pulp Fiction briefcase

385
00:17:10,661 --> 00:17:12,072
is safe somewhere.

386
00:17:12,252 --> 00:17:13,773
You're mad at me.

387
00:17:14,221 --> 00:17:15,878
I spent a week planning a party

388
00:17:15,879 --> 00:17:17,184
just to make you happy.

389
00:17:17,185 --> 00:17:18,926
And then I bailed on the
party and ruined it,

390
00:17:18,927 --> 00:17:20,252
again, just to make you happy.

391
00:17:20,253 --> 00:17:22,150
Then it turns out, while
I was wasting my time

392
00:17:22,151 --> 00:17:23,459
trying to make you happy,

393
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:27,063
you were making yourself
happy all over everyone else

394
00:17:27,064 --> 00:17:30,127
by doing yet another stupid movie spoof.

395
00:17:30,128 --> 00:17:31,660
I prefer the term "homage."

396
00:17:33,668 --> 00:17:35,251
It wasn't about making me happy.

397
00:17:36,077 --> 00:17:38,160
I chose my dinner with Andre,
because it's about a guy

398
00:17:38,161 --> 00:17:39,656
who has an unexpectedly enjoyable evening

399
00:17:39,657 --> 00:17:42,110
with a weird friend he's
been avoiding lately.

400
00:17:44,039 --> 00:17:45,948
You think I've been avoiding you?

401
00:17:46,485 --> 00:17:48,196
You and I hung out more last year.

402
00:17:49,038 --> 00:17:50,398
It makes sense.

403
00:17:50,610 --> 00:17:52,308
Everyone else is growing
and changing all the time,

404
00:17:52,309 --> 00:17:54,027
and that's not really my jam.

405
00:17:54,872 --> 00:17:56,835
I'm more of a fast-blinking,
stoic, removed,

406
00:17:56,836 --> 00:17:58,704
uncomfortably self-aware type...

407
00:17:58,867 --> 00:18:00,130
Like Data...

408
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:02,656
Or Johnny-5 or Mork

409
00:18:02,657 --> 00:18:04,830
or Hal or K.I.T.T. or K-9...

410
00:18:04,831 --> 00:18:06,270
Or Woodstock and/or Snoopy.

411
00:18:06,271 --> 00:18:07,740
Of course, Spock probably
goes without saying...

412
00:18:07,741 --> 00:18:10,635
Abed, I don't need you to grow or change.

413
00:18:11,355 --> 00:18:14,290
And take it from someone who
just had a meaningless one,

414
00:18:14,291 --> 00:18:16,810
sometimes emotional
breakthroughs are overrated.

415
00:18:17,281 --> 00:18:20,342
And, seriously, I need you to keep

416
00:18:20,343 --> 00:18:23,542
a tight, heavy lid on the
"Little Indian Girl" story.

417
00:18:23,543 --> 00:18:25,827
- Sure.
- Tight, heavy lid.

418
00:18:25,828 --> 00:18:27,439
Cool. T.H.L.

419
00:18:30,302 --> 00:18:31,697
Still friends?

420
00:18:35,593 --> 00:18:37,750
Because nobody paid for
dinner at the restaurant,

421
00:18:37,815 --> 00:18:39,744
and I do not have this kind of money.

422
00:18:45,768 --> 00:18:47,596
I went back to pay the bill.

423
00:18:47,676 --> 00:18:49,479
The restaurant was closed.

424
00:18:54,179 --> 00:18:56,784
Surprise!

425
00:18:57,772 --> 00:18:59,944
- Surprise.
- It was Abed's idea.

426
00:19:01,564 --> 00:19:04,302
The group had stayed behind
to salvage the party.

427
00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:09,174
The waiter had felt bad
for spilling the beans

428
00:19:09,175 --> 00:19:12,190
about Abed's homage, so he let us stay.

429
00:19:19,372 --> 00:19:22,532
As parties go, it was quiet, dark,

430
00:19:22,533 --> 00:19:24,138
and a little lame.

431
00:19:28,369 --> 00:19:31,738
We'd had better parties, and
we'd had worse parties.

432
00:19:43,695 --> 00:19:45,310
But I doubt I'll ever forget

433
00:19:45,311 --> 00:19:48,085
my dinner with Andre dinner with Abed.

434
00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:00,732
- Thanks.
- Abed, please...

435
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,202
- Allow me.
- Okay. Thanks.

436
00:20:07,893 --> 00:20:09,183
Let me see.

437
00:20:09,672 --> 00:20:11,124
Mm, that's not good.

438
00:20:12,652 --> 00:20:14,489
They said "market price."

439
00:20:15,811 --> 00:20:18,768
What market are you shopping at?

440
00:20:24,185 --> 00:20:25,530
I'm going to run.

441
00:20:25,531 --> 00:20:26,726
- Me too.
- Okay.

442
00:20:26,727 --> 00:20:27,764
- On three.
- One...

443
00:20:27,765 --> 00:20:28,975
- Two...
- Three.

444
00:20:29,174 --> 00:20:39,164
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