And that's how
Paleolithic hunting tribes
overtook early
agricultural civilizations.
Oh. That's an interesting
answer, Miss Edison.
Is it right?
Don't know, don't care.
But so far,
you're all getting A's.
Yes!
You're welcome.
Are you sure everyone
should get A's?
It seems unfair to the people
that actually studied.
Throw paper balls at her head
until she sits down.
Sitting. I'm sitting.
Good.
Very good.
A-pluses for all of you.
Professor Duncan,
you are such a great teacher
when you're drinking.
Thank you, Darrell.
It's Troy.
Hey, it the man wants to give
Darrell an A, let him do it.
Nice shot.
Oh, thanks.
A toast
to the easiest school,
the dumbest dean...
And the ultimate
blow-off class: anthropology.
Who knew?
Cheers.
Yeah.
Hey, Shirley.
Hm?
You're not drinking.
Someone is cruising
for an A-minus.
Oh, no, no,
I'm with child.
If it's my child, it's okay
to have a drink or two.
Chang babies love the sauce,
you know?
Alcohol and duck.
Zoink.
This is not your child,
Chang. It's Andre's.
How do you know?
Because I don't see any locusts.
Besides, a woman knows
these things.
Women have a connectedness
to their bodies
that you would
never understand.
You have a booger.
I know,
it's part of me.
Hey, can we please do the exam?
Question number two:
How awesome is it
that this class is fake?
Yeah.
Here is to never
telling the dean.
Yeah.
Cheers.
Hi.
And that is what Jews
do at weddings.
Anthropology.
L'Chaim!
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE"
PLAYING]
Professor Duncan, class,
this is Mr. Jacobson.
He's a writer who's doing
a piece on me for Dean Magazine.
Ah!
I know, right?
Keep taking your exam.
Don't let my presence
distract you.
I'm sort of a father figure
to the kids around here
for my outside-the-box
approach to education.
You know, like that film,
Children of the Corn.
Uh, professor.
What?
Proceed.
Yes.
The anthropology final.
Do you know what?
I have left the exam paper
in my office,
but it is a real doozy.
There is an interactive element,
a performance component,
and I don't wanna tip it,
but there may be a lump of clay
coming to everyone in the room.
So toodle-loo. Cheerio.
Wowee.
This is a real college.
So after this, we should check
out the World Food Festival
in the parking lot.
No way.
There are lunch trucks with 18
different nationalities of food.
You know what?
Not different, equal.
Equal to whites. You know what?
Better than whites.
I think that sounds
like an awesome thing
to do immediately.
I bet the reader of
Dean Magazine would love it.
Yeah.
Mm.
I'm good.
I'd like to stay here
and check out
this unorthodox exam.
Oh...
Shirley, you okay?
Uh-huh.
Just a little indigestion.
I've been having it
all morning.
Are you sure
it isn't a contraction?
No, no. It's way
too early for any of that.
My other two
came right on schedule.
Maybe even a little late.
Jordan was in here so long,
he came out
with a driver's license.
I'm kidding.
That's not true. Ooh.
Chang babies
are always premature.
We gestate fast because we're
better at obtaining nutrients.
Some need only
eight months,
depending on how much
of the mother they eat.
Oh... Uh...
Shirley, that is
full of chemicals.
I wouldn't expose
your baby to that.
Actually, my doctor said
antacid is safe to take.
Let me guess who paid
for that study: big antacid?
Shirley, chew on
a eucalyptus root
and, I know it sounds
gross, pig saliva.
It's the same active
ingredient as antacid.
They dress it up
with a fancy name.
How dare they?
Wanna see a movie today?
Word.
Cool.
Hey, guys,
why do you do that?
Do what?
It's cool.
How?
I don't know.
It just is.
Well, let me in.
Let me in to the handshake.
I'll give you $1000.
Indecent Proposal.
Woody.
Demi.
Nice.
You two
gonna fall in love?
No. I don't know. Tsh.
No.
So have you considered
natural childbirth?
Are you kidding me?
I'll take whatever they got.
Epidural is a proper
Christian woman's
only chance to get wrecked.
From what I'm told,
the real high is the endorphin
rush of a chemical-free birth.
I read an article
that said
some women can
actually achieve or...
Uh, uh... No, no, no.
Thank you
for the conversation.
I know
what you're talking about.
That's not something a woman
does on her child's head.
But...
Listen, backseat birther,
Shirley's
on her third kid.
She doesn't need a slacker
with two one-eyed cats
governing her body.
First of all, together,
my cats can do anything.
Secondly,
you're disqualified
from this conversation
the moment
you decided to grow a wang.
I regret nothing.
I feel sorry for the airhead
you're gonna knock up at 70.
You're gonna be sitting
in the waiting room
playing solitaire while a life
is created 10 feet from you.
Oh, and you're gonna squat
in a babbling brook
and a beautiful star child
is gonna slide out
on a ray of sunshine
while your cats each half watch,
because you're so natural.
Okay. Oh, boy. Okay. Oh, boy.
Can someone please get
every mop on campus?
Um... Did you break water?
Is that broken water?
That's broken water!
Chang baby!
Just nice and easy. Careful.
Oh, Father, God Almighty,
this isn't happening.
It's too soon.
I don't want my baby's first
memory to be Star-Burns.
Oh, goodness. Okay,
this is not a big deal.
Wait, I mean,
it is a big deal.
It's just not a big bad deal,
it's a big good deal.
If I could have
everyone's attention...
We'd like not to have
your attention.
Okay, give me your attention.
This student is having a baby.
What am I talking about?
You already know.
Okay, here's what it is.
I'm gonna go get my Prius,
I'm gonna pull around the back
and I'm gonna drive her
to the hospital.
I drive a Prius,
which is pretty cool.
Dean, go!
Dean gone.
Can you please call Andre?
He's "Sugar Boots" in my phone.
That hurts, Shirley.
Oh, I'll get it,
because I am here for you.
We came so close
to having one class
that wasn't all about them.
Remember when they took
that trip on St. Patrick's Day?
God, that was
a good week.
This has got to be
a Chang baby.
Changs are never
born in hospitals.
More like taxicabs,
hardware stores,
bank lines, sewers.
My nephew Jin
was born on a treadmill
at Bally Total Fitness.
Twenty-percent incline.
Sugar Boots says
he'll meet us at the hospital.
Now, can somebody do
something about him?
I'm saying, nobody
needs to freak out.
A Chang is hearty
to the core.
We come out healthy.
That's why there's
a billion of us.
Ever try Googling me?
Can't be done.
Ben, you have to stop
freaking her out.
Hey, show me some respect.
I might be that child's
estranged father.
Well, what's it
gonna be?
What?
I wanna buy the rights to your
handshake. We have a deal?
We're about to take
Shirley to the hospital.
This is not the time.
Oh, it's the time.
According to my watch,
it's 1000 o'clock.
TROY & ABED: Deal.
Great.
So how does it work?
I don't know,
we just do it
when one of us says
something awesome.
All right.
Betty Grable.
I said, "Betty Grable."
No.
Yes.
No.
Do it.
Make your money, whore.
Who's Betty Grable?
Yeah, that's the stuff.
Try to take deep breaths
and relax.
Where is the dean?
Oh, my God,
everything's wet.
Ugh. Oh, That's okay.
Ooh.
That's okay
because it is natural.
It's natural.
Are you uncomfortable,
Britta?
You wish.
Ooh!
Okay.
Four hundred, 500.
It's like a million bucks
in dog dollars.
Word.
What happened?
Something's off.
It's like buying
candy from a baby.
What did you do?
You ruined it.
Give him back the money.
No, no, no, the money
doesn't matter anymore.
Once you've sold something out,
you can't get it back.
You didn't even like
our handshake.
I hated it.
Now it's gone.
You two are dumber
than Jackie Coogan.
He divorced Betty Grable.
Pierce tainted our special
handshake with his blood money.
Now we can't
get the magic back.
Holy crap, you two, for real?
Yeah.
Nobody cares about
your handshake.
A baby is coming out of
Shirley's vagina 2 feet from us.
Her contractions are
six minutes apart.
So unless her cervix is
dilated more than 8 centimeters,
we have time to get her
to a hospital.
I delivered a baby
earlier this year.
Where was I
when that happened?
I don't know,
off in the background.
Did you pull
your car up?
Uh, no.
It's been overturned.
What?
Okay, look,
I don't wanna
alarm anyone,
but the World Food Festival
has taken a dark turn.
I guess some
national ethnicities
don't play nice with others
and things have turned
into a bit of a race...
kerfuffle.
You mean "riot"?
Let's use "kerfuffle"
for now, okay, Mr. Winger?
Oh, God. I was just trying
to feed hungry foodies.
I'm going to call an ambulance.
There's ambulances out there.
They're overturning
those too.
I mean, I didn't even know
there was a difference
between North
and South Korean barbeque.
I mean, M.A.S.H. lasted
longer than that war.
Get over it. Am I right?
Don't print that.
Let's just quit
jotting. Quit...
Stop writing!
911 says it's gonna
take over an hour
because of a race kerfuffle.
Ooh. Lake Wobegon days!
Abed, what do we do?
Shirley, pretend
I'm saying this
in a soothing,
non-robotic voice.
We won't make it
to the hospital.
I'm gonna have this baby
at a hospital
with my husband,
the father of my baby.
Unless that father is me.
In which case, what you need
to do is elevate your legs
over your head while facing
the northeast corner of room.
But try not to look at the door,
that's bad luck.
Chang babies
are very superstitious.
Also, if you can visualize
a rabbit riding a dragon
it'll increase his chances
of winning lotteries.
Ben, corner.
Listen, Shirley, we're having
the baby right here, right now.
Okay.
Get every blanket
and coat you can find.
Anything soft
for Shirley to lie on.
Annie, call Andre and
tell him to meet us here.
What can I do?
Stop rubbing her shoulders.
What are you doing?
Being natural.
Jeff, help me move
Shirley to the ground.
All right, just stand
right here.
Okay. Okay.
Easy. Easy.
Troy, blankets.
Here we go. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
I just need to take a look
and see how far along you are.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I don't feel comfortable
with you taking a tour
of my nethers.
I'd prefer if it was
one of the girls.
I can do it. I can do it.
I'm good at looking.
I am here for you.
Okay, what do I do?
Look and see if the baby's head
has reached the cervix.
No problo, Rob Lowe.
I take it the head
has reached the cervix.
Oh, God. Okay. Oh, God.
All right.
Not to worry.
This kind of thing
happens all the time.
Are a lot of babies
born in classrooms?
Well, a lot more are
conceived. Heh, heh, heh.
No, Paul,
that's off the record.
And not true. Sort of.
Annie.
Gotta go.
Due to a conflict of genitals
I've been disqualified
from delivering Shirley's baby.
I'm gonna walk you
through it.
I can't deliver a baby.
I'm not prepared.
I need to take a class,
shadow a nurse,
or at least
have my mom hug me first.
Oh, God. I'm seeing spots.
Oh, my Lord! Why are you
doing these things to me?
How have I failed you?
Oh!
Someone's gotta calm her down.
I got this.
Shirley, look at me.
Look at my face.
Connect with me.
Ha-ha-ha!
What in the hell?
I don't know what to do.
Chang! Where's Chang?
What's up, baby?
You said Chang babies
all come this way?
Yup, like a bullet
from a gun.
And they're all okay?
Hell, yeah. More than okay.
Super babies.
Seven generations
of little scrappers
born in
the worst conditions
you can imagine.
Tell me.
My cousin slid out feet first
in a Pickle Barrel.
My uncle was born
during rainy season
in a Mongolian
sheep pasture.
My brother, born under
a crowded noodle bar
while my grandfather
finished his shrimp.
Nothing can stop us.
Not the hurricanes,
not the Communists,
not the feds,
not the Girl Scouts.
What are you doing?
Get in there.
Me? Forget it,
I'm the worst.
Well, that's a discussion
for a different time.
Britta, there is something
in you
that wants to take care
of people so bad
that you'll do it
until you puke.
That's what Shirley
needs right now.
Are you saying
I'll be a good mom?
Heh, heh, what? No.
Man, you will really
force anything, won't you?
Just get in there and force
that baby out of Shirley.
Step aside, people.
Britta for the win!
Get out of my way.
Okay, I'm ready.
Abed, walk me through this.
Okay, at each
contraction,
you need to tell
Shirley to push.
That's it?
Don't tell any doctors
I said this,
but the bus pretty much
drives itself.
Who is the bus
in this scenario?
Push. Push. Push.
TROY & ABED:
Push. Push. Push.
Bring it on. Good.
Push.
Come on, Shirley.
The head is out!
Now, feel around the neck
for the umbilical cord.
There's no cord.
I think
that's a good thing.
I am nailing this.
You're doing great too.
Chang, more stories.
Okay, so in World War II,
a lot of us were rounded up
in labor camps, mining mostly.
Hundreds of Changs were born
underneath the earth.
Most spent their first
five years underground.
Hey, I'm here.
Oh, Andre.
Okay. Hi, baby.
It's gonna be all right.
Okay.
Ma'am, we can take it
from here.
Guys, I got it.
I'm in the zone.
Come on, Shirley.
Push, push, push.
Push it. Push it.
Here it comes.
It's Baby Greendale.
You guys don't have
to name it that.
I don't claim that power.
I'm merely the deliverer.
Britta, focus.
Oh, doy. Okay, come on, Shirley.
ABED & ANNIE:
Push! Push! Push!
Oh, it's a boy!
And it's also
a black person.
Not that that's important.
Are you sure it's yours, baby?
Yes.
It's definitely his.
I never told you this part,
but all Changs
are born with tails.
You kind of dodged
a bullet there.
Did that just happen?
It's back.
It never left.
Hi. Aw.
We did it, Sugar Boots.
No, you did it, baby.
Congratulations, sir.
After a fierce campaign,
I happily concede
this baby to you.
Pretty classy of me.
Thank you, Chang.
Couldn't have done this
without you.
No bigs.
Andre?
Yeah?
I think I wanna
name him after Ben.
What?
Hm?
Really?
Yeah, I mean,
you may not be his father,
but you helped bring him
into the world.
All right, well, we'll have
our own little baby Ben Bennett.
Ben Bennett? Oh, damn.
Mm-hm.
Okay. No, no, no,
that's fine.
Ben Bennett.
Hi, Ben Bennett.
Oh, look,
he said "Chang."
No.
No, he didn't.
See? Nothing to it.
Yeah.
Can you believe that's how
we come into this world?
Screaming, crying
and covered in crap.
Then somewhere along the lines
we get it into our heads
that we're destined
for greatness.
We are. I just yanked
a little dude out of my friend.
Yeah.
I guess we passed
anthropology.
Look at how teeny his hands are.
They're so little. His fingers
are like Good & Plenties.
I know, I wanna eat them.
Which is lame.
Totally.
This has been quite a day.
You can expect a cover story
in the next issue.
In a good way?
Like, an article about
what a good dean I am?
Absolutely.
I did it. Heh, heh.
I did it.
I am a good dean.
I am a good dean!
Ha-ha-ha! Whoo!
Are you sure
you wanna do this?
People do it in movies,
but there are
real-world consequences.
I know, but if we
take that test today,
we are definitely
going to fail it.
Okay, let's do it.
What are you guys doing?
Cancel school today or
we tell everybody about this.
Deal.